My name is Matthew Aaron. I grew up in Barnsdall, Oklahoma; population 1500, to a nice, Christian family. I heard the bible preached weekly; twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday. Knowing Jesus didn’t guarantee that nothing bad would ever happen to my family. I experienced most of my sexual, mental and physical abuse at the hand of family. Mom was bi-polar, dad was religious and my only brother had issues of his own. These were my early life influencers.
I felt different than other boys at an early age. That feeling later morphed into a belief that I was born gay. Eventually, I saw the feelings for what they were; I was born different, but I was not born gay. Later, in prayer, God would pose the question to me, “What if I created you different for my purpose and not for homosexual purposes?” It was the divine revelation I needed to navigate the waters of Christianity and homosexuality.
I felt attractions to other guys as a young boy. Some would automatically label me as gay. Heck, even I did. Those feelings felt as natural to me as the skin that enveloped me. It was only through much prayer, personal research and numerous conversations with family that I traced the cultivation of homosexuality in my life back to specific events and encounters; like seeing pornography for the first time at 6 years old. Or having my mom threaten to kill herself with a shotgun, also at the age of 6. Then losing my best friend to a car accident at the age of 7. My early life was fertile ground for satan to attempt to destroy the life God had planned for me.
I was born artistic, sensitive and creative. I was not born gay. I may have “came out” as gay man at the age 18, but it was more surrender to the dark side, than walking into the light. For the next ten years I would set astride the proverbial fence between Christianity and homosexuality, trying desperately to reconcile my two worlds. It was my faith in Jesus, my continuous disappointment with my gay life and a Biblical belief that homosexuality is sinful, that led me to walk away from my gay life December 22, 1998.
One day God brought Romans 14:12 to my mind. "So then each of us will give an account of himself to God." Suddenly the course of my random life was intersected by a not so random God. Everything I had ever learned and suppressed about God and homosexuality, came rushing back to the forefront of my mind.
I have an undying, unrelenting love for the people of the LGBTQ+ community. The truth is that an LGBTQ+ devoted life is not a life devoted to God. I left my gay life behind, because it is not in God's plan for His creation. God's word calls us to repent of ALL sin. I can’t call myself a gay Christian and say I have repented of All of my sin. I must surrender all to God, or I have surrendered nothing. "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that he will forgive your sins." -Acts 3:19.
I write this blog for every person wrestling with homosexuality, transgender issues and same sex attraction. I write for every man caught in the endless cycles of pornography and masturbation. I write for parents with children in the LGBTQ+ community, who are "waiting" at the end of their driveway for their kids to return home. These writings are the reflections, disappointments and revelations of my journey into the gay community and my painful, necessary and triumphant walk out of my gay life. The life I once lived, solely focused on myself and governed by my feelings is now focused on helping others and pursuing Jesus and His plan for my life.