"Couch That Hurt!"

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I am constantly learning, ‘forgiveness is a concept, not a one-time event’. I got a lot of chances to choose forgiveness with my mom. Scattered amongst the good times are many oil and water moments. My mom died unexpectedly in 2011 at 65. She suffered with depression and bi-polar disorder. My sensitive nature, caused me to suffer with certain aspects of her struggle. Mom was raised by an alcoholic, abusive father. He used to say “girls can’t work so they have no value” and “girls are a waste of food”.  My mom suffered severe, emotional damage as a result. This broken, emotionally unstable woman tried her best to be a good mom. She tried to protect me from her deep wounding. She wasn’t always successful, but she left a great legacy. She instilled in me a great work ethic. Her kitchen produced love and the best food known to man. She taught me that even the most broken have great capacity to love limitlessly. My mom did the best she could with what she had.

For years, my best friends were women, but the fear they’d try to control me, like mom, kept me distant. If I felt threatened, I would walk away from the friendship. This emotional disconnectedness from women was one factor that lead to the development of my same sex attractions. I have processed much of the wounding from my mother, but it left me with a great fear and mistrust of women. A few days ago, God exposed some residual wounding and did a great work in me using a strong willed, neighbor lady.

Our encounter was set against the backdrop of my garage sale. I was deep in the throws of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) when she showed up and introduced herself by letting her dog pee on one of my planters. The interaction, initially non-descript, evolved into her telling a story about a couch someone had dropped off in the middle of the street. She told me it was in great shape and I could sell it. I agreed to go have a look.

The couch was a Paula Deen shade of blue. Closer inspection revealed a story of Crime Stopper proportions. The sides were ripped, the pillows were missing and it housed more cigarette butts than a slot machine ashtray on an over seventies, gambling cruise. A colony of ants were excitedly gathering crumbs and discarded French fries. Plywood had been added for extra support. The best part was the discovery of 50 cents and a baggie containing two mysterious white pills. All this couch was missing was a dead celebrity. Surprisingly, I decided to pass on the couch. The neighbor lady was visibly stunned. She tried to convince me that the couch could be cleaned. Ultimately, I realized she wasn’t concerned with my garage sale; she wanted to dispose of Ozzy Ozbourne’s Sofa.

On our drive home, she told me that she had turned pictures of my un-edged sidewalks into the Homeowner’s Association. My distaste for this woman’s was escalating by the second. I listened in disbelief. Not only had she tried to use me to move discount furniture, now she was criticizing me personally. The fact that she was a woman exacerbated the situation. She was pushing my ‘controlling women, mom buttons’. After two days of a garage sale euphoria, this woman had singlehandedly ruined my day.

I began to process the interaction with my friend Cindy Coffman. I was legitimately angry with this woman. I wanted to egg her house and torch her lawn. God calmed me down through Cindy’s counsel. I wanted a one-day pass to be ugly to this woman; get revenge and ask for forgiveness the next day. I’m just being honest. Maybe you are a better Christian than me, but I‘m ‘honestly open’ rather than ‘superficially chaste’. I don’t claim to be perfect. I proclaim that Jesus’ love and peace help keep my brokenness from running amuck. I was reminded of Romans 12:20 “Therefore, ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.’ ”

It wasn’t revenge I needed, it was compassion and forgiveness. I needed to minister to this woman somehow. I drove to her house armed with two Chick-fil-A gift cards and an open heart. When I arrived she was doing yard work at a neighbor’s house. I had no idea what God expected me to do, but He simply impressed on my heart to help her. “Excuse me?” This was supposed to be stop and go mission. Reluctantly, I parked and began to help. She was thankful. At some point she remembered that I run a ministry and referred to me as a ‘minister’. She also said something that quelled my anger and touched something deep inside. “I think God sent you here today to help me.” I almost swallowed my tongue, but it appears that Crow was suddenly on the menu.

The neighbor whose yard we were cleaning brought us bottled water. She told us that she was a minister too and had suffered a nervous breakdown. Immediately, God told me to pray for her. It was a simple prayer, but they both thought it was a beautiful.

I eventually confessed my anger to my neighbor. She was quick to let me know I had misunderstood her. She hadn’t reported me to the HOA. She had reported the lawn mowing crew. Gulp! I had allowed my brokenness to reinterpret her story. I would have never known that, if I had chosen anger over forgiveness.

Because of my wounds, I got triggered. I almost trashed my witness for Jesus Christ and missed an opportunity to pray and share my testimony of walking away from homosexuality with Jesus as my guide. I felt like the Holy Spirit showed me that my wounds let me see only a narrow view of the world around me. If you would trust God, He would show me the big picture through the veil of redemption for All: the good, the bad, the mean, the hurting, the overachiever, the gossip, etc..

While we were standing there on the lawn, a garbage truck with a specialized arm came by and grabbed “Amy WineCouch” and lifted her effortlessly into the truck. Barb, the neighbor lady, joked that old couch was the reason we had all met in the first place.  Interesting how God uses the seemingly inconsequential things of this world to affect change in lives. I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 1:27 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” God used an old, rugged couch to humble and remind me of the work Jesus did for each of us on an old, rugged cross.

Godly Wisdom vs. Fortune Cookie

My friend George is the young adult pastor at our church. A few weeks ago he asked me to come and share some wisdom with the group. This particular talk was a part of a series George had called “Higher Ground”. The focus of the talk was to answer the following question.  “What would you tell your 18,22,25 and 29 year-old selves?” As I delved into the farthest reaches of 40+ years of memory, I found the exercise pretty daunting.  Do I look up a bunch of scriptures?  Do I tell them all my mistakes and simply say “DON’T DO THAT!” ? Should I get philosophical and write some skillfully, crafted one-liners akin to fortune cookie script? The possibilities were endless. Three different times I felt like calling George and canceling. Why was something so simple, becoming such a big ordeal?

Before I began to write, I began to pray. I thought of scriptures here and there, but I also knew that the wisdom I was now transporting to the past was steeped with the presence of God, whom had been leading me for almost 20 years now. There was about 25 young people that showed up to hear the talk, but there were also some who’s schedules didn’t allow them to attend. For them and anyone else who wants to hear it, here is the the bulk of what I shared with the group.

What would I tell my 18 year-old self?

1) Nobody owes you anything. Show some gratitude. Appreciate the sacrifice of    others.

2) Be a sightseeing adventurer rather than a racecar driver-Take time to enjoy             life. It is not a race to the end or a checklist to be filled out.

3) Prayer works. Don’t ever give up on crying out to God. Just because you don’t    hear from Him, doesn’t mean he’s not working on your behalf.

4) Don’t look for your identity in other people.

5) Jesus will be the last man standing with you: day after day, month after month        and year after year. God showed me my life as if it were a series of rooms. Jesus was visible in the corner of every room.

6) Remember that anger, fear and sadness are emotions, not lifestyles.

7) Listen to everyone, but do your own research. Don’t be led astray by       intellectual impostors.

8) Mistakes are inevitable. Let them teach you, not define you. Take legal risks.

9) The pain of trying and failing hurts far less than the pain of regret on your      deathbed.

10) The best time to fix a problem is after the first occurrence and long before             you start telling people, “It’s just the way I am.”

11) Pain is like “toxic waste”. Bury it, and it’ll poison your heart. Process and dispose of it properly and it poses no threat to your future.

12) Satan is real and he won’t rest until you are dead.

13) The sooner you realize that the weight of the world isn’t your responsibility,          the better off you will be.

What would I tell my 22 year-old self?

1) Savor every moment of every day. “First times” happen only once. That which    is kept safe is preserved. That which is given away in haste, can never be             retrieved.

2) Don’t drink or do drugs, but if you decide to drink or do drugs, make sure you         can trust everyone around you.

3) Your parents have known you longer than your oldest college friend. They            changed your diapers and wiped your butt. Remember their love and devotion.

4) Whenever you get angry with your parents, remind yourself that before they         were your parents, they were people with hopes, dreams and disappointments, too.

5) Celebrate your freedom to do whatever you want, but take a moment to first         contemplate the consequences of the consistent misuse of that freedom.

6) Stop trying so hard to be someone you are not. It is ruining your ability to enjoy the life God wants to give you.

7) Stand up for yourself

8) God is for you not against you

9) What you sew today, you will harvest 5-10 years from now. Be careful what         you plant.

10) There’s a fine line between Hero and Idol, Mentor and Manipulator.

What would I tell my 25 year-old self?

1) Call yourself what you want. You have always been and will always be a child of  God. (For the longest time, I proclaimed to be a gay Christian).

2) Having hurt and pain doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

3) Even the toughest, smartest, prettiest person is nothing without Jesus.

4) Don’t give your heart and your body away so easily.

5) Save your money or spend it on something you will still own in ten years.

6) Stop running from God. Let Him make sense of your life or you are going to         lose a lot of time.

7) Commit to things. Life will be difficult. If you run away when things get tough,        you won’t learn how to cope with difficulty and disappointment.

8) Not everyone who appears to have it together really has it together.

9) Think carefully about each door you open. Like pandora’s box, you have no         control over what comes through that door and into your life. You only control the opening and closing the door.

10) Celebrate who God created you to be, rather than settling for who the world        wants you to be

What would I tell a 29 year old me?

1) You may think that you have finally arrived, but you have a lot to learn.

2) Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

3) Don’t hold on to offenses, it stifles growth and can alter the course of your life.

4) Don’t let your sensitivity be used as a weapon against you.

5) This may seem like the adventure of a lifetime, but wait’ll you see what God has prepared for you. (1 Cor. 2:9 9 But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man. The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

6) God can be trusted. He is in control. If you Trust Him and let Him, he’ll lead           you.

7) Don’t shy away from uncomfortable conversations that could lead to freedom         from years of misunderstanding.

8) Good friendships don’t just pop up overnight. They take work, dedication and      are constructed over time.

9) Pursue the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is. Assumption allows satan          to manipulate you with lies and lead you astray.

10) Let your faith in God be stable and solid. Let your faith in people be flexible      and fluid. I always got that backwards.

11) The most well rounded person has one ear attuned to those younger than themselves and other focused on the wisdom of his elders.

And my last and most important piece of advice is to overdose on bible reading. Read the bible early and often, much like the frequency a SCUBA diver equalizes his ears with the water pressure. Early and often! Read the word of God. Get scripture into your heart and mind. Give the Holy Spirit something to bring to your remembrance when you need it most. Scripture was what Jesus used against satan when he came to tempt him. Scripture is powerful and alive and useful for teaching and rebuking.

Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.

The smoke from the SCOTUS is clearing, our Women’s soccer team has World Cup status and the White House is white again. Will life here ever be the same? I wrote my blog about the SCOTUS verdict and went back to doing ministry. I run a pretty non-political ministry to men who desire to walk away from their gay lives. We don’t picket with Westboro or hang out at gay pride parades apologizing for every misspoken, misinterpreted word the church has uttered since the dawn of man. We answer phones and emails and pray for people in the gay community to have a personal encounter with Jesus.   At Big Fish Ministry, we’ve decided to serve the gay community by storming the coffee shops not the courthouses.

I attend Illuminate Church. This past Sunday, Pastor Ed preached on Peace. It wasn’t a feel good message, but it was freakin’ awesome. I found myself under the same, moral microscope many Christians use on the rest of the world. Lately, God has been leading me to change my approach to the conversation of homosexuality. He is challenging me to enter the discussion at a different level than the world expects from Christians; promoting a dialogue of redemption, rather than accusation. Pastor Ed’s message confirmed God’s leading. “If you can’t bring peace to a situation,” he said, “then maybe you should take yourself out of the situation.” Thumper, of Disney’s Bambi has this to say: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” A paraphrase of author and speaker Bob Hamp says ‘we need to be thoughtful before adding our voice to the noise.’ As Christians what we say about homosexual sin may be 100% scripturally true, but sharing the message like 100% Jerks, allows our bad attitude, not the love of Jesus, to be what people remember.

Growing up, I was “the good son”; the rule follower. I often did “the right thing” to avoid punishment and gain praise, rather than to simply be obedient.   I was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. This skewed obedience gave rise to a “holier than thou” attitude. I secretly resented the rules, but I was afraid to break them. I developed a jealousy and resentment for the “rule breaker” closest to me, my brother. My desire to partake in adventure with the rule breakers was far outweighed by the expectation to “follow the rules”. Later in life, my allegiance to “rightness” would cause me to erect impenetrable walls of scriptural TRUTH between those lost in sin and God’s GRACE. I see now that my “good” intentions served to keep people from Jesus rather than lead them to Him. God often reminds of this: God’s grace was the lens through which I first glimpsed the truth of Jesus love for me.

Someone once said that Truth and Grace are like the wings of a bird. Acting in tandem they take the bird to the highest heights. Take one away and the bird will never leave the ground.

A friend who wasn’t particularly pleased with my calm response to the legalization of gay marriage frantically posed the question, “What if the government tries to shutdown your ministry and tells you that you can’t say that homosexuality is a sin.” My answer was simple.

“I guess I’ll just tell people about Jesus then. And when that is deemed illegal, I’ll start a prison ministry.” My answer, tinged with sarcasm and truth, is devoid of panic and steeped in reality. If you stick your hand in a piranha’s mouth and are surprised when they bite you, that isn’t the piranha’s fault pumpkin.   God is not surprised that “the lost” are acting…well…lost. We shouldn’t be either. What we should be doing is preparing for the day when everything our unsaved friends have turned to for answers, denies them the rapture they seek. If we have loved them well, they’ll be more apt to listen to the truth about Jesus, than if we had tried to force feed them “God” when their appetite was for something a little more devilish.

I could let every bad political decision turn me into that red-faced, angry guy with the veiny forehead, and bad attitude. Will that ever communicate the heart of Jesus? Jesus washed the disciple’s feet. Peter cut off a man’s ear with his sword. What is a better way to further God’s kingdom: humbly serving or wielding a sword?

One of my neighbor’s yards was looking a little Oscar the Grouch-ish: green, disheveled and angry. She was going through “SOME STUFF”. I texted, to see if we could mow her lawn. She said “Yes”. When she answered her door, gratitude and exhaustion were equally palpable. “These other neighbors should be ashamed of themselves. You’re the first one who has even bothered to call in six months.” Some people had called the HOA and Code Enforcement to report her unkempt yard. Not one neighbor had called to check on her. Instead of choosing to serve, they chose to wield their swords to insure her compliance, rather than their lawnmowers to restore her dignity.

A few days later she texted that our one simple act of service had caused a ripple effect. Her self-esteem had returned. She wasn’t embarrassed to play in the yard with her kids. Her desire to connect with God returned.   A family member showed up to help, after feeling so convicted because someone outside the family helped and they had not. In the end, Christopher and I, simply stepped up to kneel down and extend a hand beyond the mess to the person buried beneath the rubble.

My mom was always fond of combatting my poopy attitudes with “you get more flies with honey than you do with buttermilk”. She also said, “make sure the words you say today are soft. You might be eating them tomorrow”. My dad was the chief engineer of the rescue operation that traversed the borders of Hell in order to bring me back to the land of the living. My dad prayed daily for me, even when I didn’t want it. He reached out to me in love, even when I was a hot, vitriolic mess. My father served as a missionary to the gay community by simply loving me unconditionally. He started a fire in me for the gay community that God later confirmed with Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…”.

The Holy Spirit is leading me to approach the conversation on homosexuality from a redemptive perspective. Like my father, I am choosing to humbly engage the lost, the broken and wounded men and women of the gay community. Always remembering that my past bears a striking resemblance to their daily existence.

The only hope for either of us is Jesus. Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.

Decade of Growth

On the Sunday after the SCOTUS ruling, my pastor at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida started off his message with a response.  I wasn't sure what he was going to say, but I knew that it would be well thought out, grace filled and built for the future.  My pastor is Tim Ingram: Husband, Father, Hero.  He isn't the first pastor my church has had.  In fact, illuminate church is not even the first name our church has had.  Two men have come before Tim. Two church names preceded that. I have attended my current church for 10+ years.  Let's just say that my first "set down get to know you" meeting with Tim Ingram wasn't pretty.  I was a bitter, angry little man, looking for someone to blame for the hurt I had experienced at the hand of men in the church.  Tim agreed to meet me at Cracker Barrel.  If it didn't go well, at least I had comfort food to soothe my soul.  He listened to my story, fielded my complaints and answered my questions.  I left that meeting with my explosive emotions defused, because of his compassion, patience and kind heart.  My language that day was not becoming of a Christian man.  I might have even caused a few sailors to blush.  I wasn't concerned about how he received what I had to say that day.  But in all honesty, isn't that what hurt does.  It sears our conscience and leads us down a path of destruction.

The truth was that I just needed to be heard by a man in the church.  I needed to know that someone, anyone still cared that I was in pain.  I didn't need him to fix anything for me, I just needed to be acknowledged.  Tim showed me the grace and peace of Jesus that day.  I left our meeting knowing that illuminate church would be my church home and that I would follow Tim as my leader.

So many names come to mind when I think of the men at illuminate Church who have shaped my life as a Christian and as a man.  Joe Saragusa, my first pastor in Celebration.  He told me that if I had a dream for ministry to the gay community, his dream was 5000 times bigger.  Garret Balcitis, a youth pastor who taught me how to lead kids to Jesus.  He believed in me when I couldn't do that for myself.  Bronson Moore, who loved me through all my many phases and faces.  And though he was younger than me, God used his wisdom to mold and shape my leadership.  Ed Arnold, our Executive pastor who has stood the test of time, loved me when I was unlovable, and who shares his porch, his life, his family and his house with me every time I have a need.  Andre Anderson.  Nelson Deskins.  Bill Nance.  Tears are welling up in my eyes, because the list is endless.  God has used these men to restore to me the meaning of father, brother, companion, comrade and friend.  There was a point where I looked for men in the gay community to complete me or give my life meaning and purpose.  I was always left wanting.  With Illuminate Church, God has answered the cry of my heart for a place to belong, to be heard, to matter and a place to heal.  The men that God has brought through my little church in the past 10 years have time and time again, been the face of Jesus.

I am taking this opportunity to share the message Tim preached on Sunday through the podcast.  At Illuminate church we welcome all types.  Men like me who have left homosexuality.  Men like me who use colorful language a little more than I should.  And men and women, who like me who don't always get it right, but try once agiain each morning with the sunrise.  If you live in the Orlando area please join us at 10 a.m. on Sundays in Celebration, Florida at Celebration High School in the auditorium.  

If you don't live around here and just need a little encouragement, feel free to listen to the podcasts at www.illuminateChurchFL.com

Gay Marriage, Krispy Kreme & Freddie Mercury

Hey guess what? Gay marriage is legal in the U.S.. In case you were wondering why every building, cupcake and gigantic Ferris wheel in America was bathed in Technicolor. I write a blog about my gay life, my Christian life and my journey thus far.   I am sure that a lot of my readers, all 6 of ‘em, have been waiting to see what I have to say. Rest assured. I always have something to say. I was at a loss for words once. Only once. It was a rainy night. I had been driving along, when suddenly, a brilliant, neon orange, illuminated sign proclaiming, “HOT NOW” beckoned to me. Rushing in to claim my free, Krispy Kreme donut, I was told that the free donut promotion had been…discontinued. I took a vow of silence and fashioned a black, Christian Dior, argyle dress sock into a makeshift armband, which I wore for 3 weeks.

Much like the animals I used to train at Sea World, I have learned a lot from the mistakes of my past. I have learned that my response to the Chick-fil-A scandal of a few years back was hasty; that my agreement with Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty was over exuberant. This time around, with such a hot topic as gay marriage poised and ready to make it’s way down the line, like one of my favorite, fried Krispy Kreme delicacies, I pause for a moment of prayer, reflection and careful thought. I envision a gay community with faces, hearts and souls, rather than the visage of a great, political monster that just pissed me off with “what he had said!”.

If have you have known me five minutes, you know that I lived as a gay man for 10 years. I had an encounter with Jesus. He led me to walk away from my gay life. My friend Sy said this of walking away from homosexuality. “I didn’t leave homosexuality, because I thought it was bad. I left homosexuality, because I found something better.”   That something better was Jesus.   This isn’t a blog about whether you can be gay and Christian. I won’t try to convince you of anything, but rather I would challenge you to go somewhere quiet, have a conversation with Jesus and give Him the chance to awaken your heart to the truth.

I grew up in the Assembly of God church. We shouted, sang and jumped around. Church services were similar to an Ozzy concert, except we were always angry if the devil showed up. I grew up perceiving that “homosexuals were an abomination” to God. Much like many of my gay contemporaries, I knew at a very young age that I felt different from other boys. In later years I was led to believe that meant I was gay. 30 years later, with tears pouring down my face I would read a very biblical, extremely compassionate document authored by the AOG General Counsel about homosexuality, circa 1979. I was 9 years old. A great and deep ache welled up within me. Questions flooded in. “Why was I just hearing about this now?” “Why hadn’t I been privy to the life giving words of this document when I needed it most?” “Where was this scripture when I was sustaining the emotional blows of the misinterpreted mantra of Leviticus 18:22?”   This document had the potential to save me from so many years of heartache and brokenness as a gay man, yet I had never heard of it until now.

I don’t believe that all the people in my church were bigoted A-holes, bent on the destruction of homosexuals. I believe that the real answer was tinged with fear, misunderstanding and ignorance brought about by the enemy of our soul; satan. To the gay community and the Christian community alike, I humbly say this. Satan is the true enemy: not the church or the gay community.

I have known my friend Justin for years. Justin is gay and he is one hell of an animal trainer. He has an incredible heart and a beautiful spirit. When Justin came into my life, he had been with his partner Anthony for 13+ years. What would you think my first assignment from God was concerning Justin? Tell him to repent for being gay? Share Jesus and my testimony with him? None of the above. God simply said, “Love him”. I did a pretty good job. I learned that when you are given the freedom to love someone, you are relieved of the duty of having to “fix” them.   When you look beyond a person’s sin and brokenness, you can begin to love them the way Jesus does. Everyone, regardless of whom they choose to marry, has human needs that create opportunities, which allow us to share the love of Jesus, before we ever quote a single line of scripture.

I loved Justin well. When his partnership with Anthony ended, he came to me in tears.   His sadness wasn’t my opportunity to speak out against sin. It was a chance to comfort another human being with the comfort that I had been comforted with myself; the love of Jesus. How did I comfort him? I shared about my own breakup with a boy almost 20 years ago. I could speak to my friend Justin from a humble place of familiarity, rather than from the self-righteous perch atop my Ivory Tower.

I believe God has something better for every gay man and woman that far outweighs the expected hopes and promises of gay marriage or even a gay life. There may be victory for the moment, but this win will do nothing to silence the ache of lonely hearts that only Jesus can quell.

I know why so many in the gay community seek to legalize gay marriage. I understand them. I have lived them. This isn’t a blog written by another Christian standing to bash the church. I was wounded by men in the church, but it was in the church at the hands of other men that I found healing and affirmation. I would ask the church at large and the pastors who have been praying vehemently against gay marriage one question: “If you view gay marriage as an event so heinous as to usher in the Apocalypse, do you have something better to offer the gay community instead?” Wouldn’t our prayers for the salvation of lost people have been better than thousands of prayers to stave off a single, inevitable event indicative of the fallen world we live in. If thousands in the gay community knew Jesus as their savior, it wouldn’t have mattered if Freddie Mercury himself resurrected to perform the ceremonies.

I write to the gay community and Christians alike. I ask humbly for your consideration. If you are happy being gay, I won’t challenge you. If you are gay and unhappy, I implore you to add Jesus to your search. To the church at large, I need you to know. I was raised in the congregation of an AOG church, not cooked up in a lab in San Francisco. I believe I was born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay. To a large extent my sensitive nature was not prized among the men in the church, but was celebrated in the arms of the gay community.   Men of God, it’s your role to decide who will shape the lives and destinies of sensitive boys like me: the church or the world.

I responded unwisely and hastily to political shakeups of the past. I don’t want to be “that Christian”. I want to be the Christian whose light shines so bright that the lost are drawn in like I was to the “HOT NOW” sign. I want to impact each person I encounter with a heart surrendered to Jesus, rather than a Facebook page filled with witty rhetoric. I want each person who encounters me to leave loved, affirmed and heard. I want to be a Christian who isn’t afraid to set knee to knee and eye to eye with someone from the gay community or anyone else who needs a little less battle and whole lot more compassion.

From the Top of the World

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Too much of a good thing? Hit or miss for sure. Massage Therapy - a total hit. Perpetual daylight - definite miss. This, my second visit to Alaska, just so happens to be taking place at the onset of summer. It is a guarantee of warmer temps, but also nearly 24 hours of sunlight. Too much of a good thing, for sure. On my first evening, sleep came around midnight as the sun was doing its best South Beach impersonation. The air temp rested somewhere between Arendelle and Hilary Clinton; chilly to bitter cold. Perfect sleeping weather for my inner polar bear, but the vampire in me waited on bated breath for an elusive sunset that would never come.

Endless sunlight takes some getting used to for humans, but for the plants that depend on our nearest star’s nurturing light, it spawns an unimaginable season of growth. Vegetables grow to more than twice their normal size. You haven’t lived until you have gazed upon the likes of a colossal, Alaskan cabbage, nutritiously baked in the sun’s nourishing rays. This got me to thinking. If mere vegetables experience exponential growth basking in the light of the sun, wouldn’t we encounter the same effect if we were continuously bathed in the Light of the Son as well? The Son of God that is.

For many years I was one of those, “Feed me on Sunday Preacher” parishioners, relying on a pastor to expound on the bible once weekly, while my own bible gathered more dust than a Liberal’s book on ethics and morality. I hadn’t refused to read the bible, but I had not been purposeful about ingesting the word of God either. I found a few scriptures on the importance and purpose of studying God’s word, as someone who calls himself a Christian.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 - All scripture given by inspiration of God, and profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness

Matthew 4:4 - But He answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.

Joshua 1:8 - This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.

Hebrews 4:12 - For the word of God [is] quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

I attended a Baptist church once where the pastor asked everyone to stand for the reading of the word. That always stuck in my mind as pretty cool; very reverent. A Christian who doesn’t read, study and live by the Word of God is a like a beach enthusiast who extols the virtue of the ocean based on one visit to the seaside 40 years prior. The bible says that Jesus’ mercies are new every morning. If that is true, why are we attempting to live a Christian life based on the work God did in our lives 20 years ago?

I hear so many complaints registered against God, because He hasn’t (blank) or He can’t (blank) or He can’t be trusted. There is even a scripture that talks about screwing up our own lives, but giving God the blame. Proverbs 19:3“A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.” God suffers the same fate of many celebrities whose character gets maligned by the National Enquirer. He gets a bad rap based on bogus information.

I say this with the love of Jesus in my heart; if you can’t trust God then you don’t know Him. I’m not saying that you aren’t saved. I am saying, if you have a relationship with someone and profess to love them, then you usually spend each day figuring out ways to get close to them, to know them deeper than the day before. One of the best ways to get to know God is by getting to know His Word. I remember how it used to feel when I couldn’t be with the one I loved, but could do the next best thing; read their letters they had written me. The bible truly is God’s love letter to us.

I was 7 years into my Christian walk, before I finally got serious about reading the bible. My friend Kathy came to me and issued a challenge that if we were going to be Christians we needed to stop dinking around and start reading the Bible. After a few months of reading the bible daily, the Holy Spirit revealed me to just how dumb I had been all those years, by neglecting to read the bible. I saw how much God’s grace had covered me while I engaged a broken and fallen world, spiritually unarmed and unprepared. For years I was trying to operate a Christian life having never referenced the owner’s manual. I can’t say it enough. Prayer and daily bible reading are a must for a Christian who desires a deeper walk with God and better understanding and perspective of life’s emotional ebb and flow. 1 Peter 2:11 “Dear brothers, you are only visitors here. Since your real home is in heaven, I beg you to keep away from the evil pleasures of this world; they are not for you, for they fight against your very souls.” We will find the tools necessary to “keep away from the evil pleasures of this world” in the bible. Galatians 5:16 says “…walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

Recently, I was contacted by a guy whose life is shrouded in loneliness.   His first question to me: “You ever felt like you didn’t have any friends when you were growing up?” My professional answer: “Every frickin’ day”. I shared with him the extreme isolation in my family and terminal loneliness that set me up to fall for the false love and acceptance offered by the men of the gay community. I had built up a deficit of loneliness and the men I was introduced to were more than willing to keep company with a cute, young guy searching for a place to belong. The bible says in Proverbs 27:7 “He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.”

There are so many aspects of life that will never make sense as a Christian without the illuminating power of God’s word. Psalms 119:105 - Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

My daily devotion came from the daily reading we participate in at IlluminateChurchfl.com. Our daily reading plan can be found at www.lifejournal.cc.

Philippians 2:12 “…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. 14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life…

“…for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure…” Right there, it says that God will give you the strength and the will to do what He has for you to do. As far as deals go that is a Groupon Style Deal Buster Daily Double Bonus.

If you are currently or have continually been at a place where your life is going nowhere fast, it’s time you hand control of the life, that you have consistently poorly managed over to God. As I told my friend who texted me, God has a tendency of clearing the relational landscape of distraction until we realize that He should be our ‘everything’. God has to our everything before anyone else can be our anything. God allows loneliness to descend on our lives to drive us into His arms, but we often go the way of “poor, pitiful me” and allow loneliness to separate us and condemn us to a life of solitude. The life bearing light of the Son will seldom penetrate the caves of loneliness where we have exiled our hearts. Step into the light my friends. Wake from your slumber. Emerge from your self-prescribed exile. Claim what was rightfully purchased for you by Jesus through His work on the cross.  John 10:10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I (Jesus) have come that they (you) may have life, and that they (you) may have it more abundantly.”

James 4:8 “If we draw near to God, He will draw near to us.” is

Tired of Fighting

I am so glad I fired Cable TV years ago.   I get so frustrated when conversation with another human revolves around “Do you watch that show…?” instead of “How are you really doing?” then I think we might be missing the point of relationship. As I was sitting for free breakfast in a random hotel somewhere in the Florida Keys, CNN brought a random nugget of information into my world. The news ticker hurriedly proposed a question: “Iraq Armed Forces Grow Weary of Fighting?” 7 little words held the key to unlocking a treasure chest of inspiration in my cerebral recesses.   Tired of fighting. Oh my goodness, who hasn’t been there? Tired of fighting. YES! That describes so many people. The bible challenges us in Galatians 6:9 to “not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

In Ephesians 6:9-12 10 “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” There is a war going on for our very souls; for the souls of those people around us. Even those people we can’t stand to be around. Prayer is a good idea in today’s world.

I have been in and around the world of “ex-gay” ministry for about 16 years now. I have known of God much longer. I only got serious at my chronological mile marker of 27. For so many years I fought against God and my Father and not against the real enemy, satan. I allowed the enemy to separate me from God and my family far too long. I wasn’t in the place of being tired of fighting. I was so bitter and angry that I lived for the fight. Over the years I have gotten to know many men and women who decided, like me, to leave homosexuality behind. At one point we were tracking with one another that we had not been born gay and we wanted to honor God with our sexuality. As is always the case, the stress of the fight got to some people. Their temptations got the best of them and they started dabbling once again in the fires of sexual sin. They grew weary of taking up the cross of their sexual sin and following God’s design for their lives and not their own. To watch this was sad and discouraging. I could almost hear the laugh of the enemy as one after another fell back into sin and fell away from God.

As I watched great mentors of my own fall away and claim a different gospel than I had been taught and believed. I also felt the eyes and accusations of the world closing in on those of us who were choosing to remain true to our convictions. I experienced an array of emotions from anger to bewilderment. “How could they be so stupid?” or “Don’t they know what the bible says?”   I would go from legalistic in my approach to overly gracious in a desperate attempt to bring them back to the fold. The false deity of gay Christianity began to emerge. It was a movement that would change the fight forever. It was the enemy’s way of concocting a tasty, noxious cocktail capable of sedating my friends and colleagues into a religious stupor.   satan still uses the truth tinged with lies and seduction to lure hurting men and women away from God. The conversational serpent of Adam and Eve’s garden has grown and matured into the two-headed dragon of political correctness and one-way tolerance.

I am asked all the time my opinion of what happened to Exodus International. Daily queries emerge about Alan Chambers and Randy Thomas. One shining ray of hope is that some folks I talk to have no idea of the tumultuous events of the past few years in the ex-gay movement. At the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that men and women have grown tired of the fight for good reason.  They have exchanged the truth of God for a lie. They misunderstood that homosexuality, though maybe not a conscious choice for them, was still a matter of choice with God. All questions of sexuality can only be answered fully and finally in relationship with God.   The standards set forth by the bible are the only standards by which all men must live. If we follow God wholly and diligently, then He makes sense of our sexuality. If we follow our sexuality wholly and diligently, then the standards of God make absolutely no sense.

I would hazard a guess to say that many of my friends have fallen away not because they are perverts or bad people, but simply because they underestimated both the seductive power of satan and the redemptive nature of God. I myself have experienced times where I am indeed “Tired of fighting”. I have not always responded well to the evidence of that fight in myself or others. One thing I have done, is consistently referred back to the standard set by the bible, regardless of my horny feelings or feelings of desperation. Alan Chambers himself always told me that my feelings were not an accurate way to measure my progress. He said that your feelings would more often than not lie to you.  While it appears he has not followed his own advice to me, he lead to me God's design for my homosexuality.  He deserves my prayers not my criticism.  I follow Jesus, not Alan Chambers or Steven Furtick or any other fallible man.

If we are not living our Christian lives under the template of Jesus, then we are subject to the waxing and waning standards or absence of standards set by this crazy, broken world we live in.

The answer my friend if you are tired of the fight, is not to keep trudging through the mud hoping that “It Gets Better” as Dan Savage would have us believe or to simply give in to sin and temptation. The answer is to cry out as I did to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and watch Jesus Christ take the fight out of our hands, because He has indeed, already won.

Viral Seduction

Acts 20:26-31 26 "Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of any of you. 27 For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. 28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. 29 I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30 Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31 So be on your guard!..." I heard a sermon from a pastor in Nashville. He zigzagged around his topic like a redneck running serpentine trying to outrun alligator. With 10-12 minutes left, he affirmed that his church would now extend membership privileges and marriage rights to LGBT attendees. There was a mixture of silence and applause. The sermon can be summarized in one paragraph: “50 minutes from now I’m going to horribly compromise the word of God, taking this congregation in a direction that honors people, not God. We are no longer going to concern ourselves with obedience to God’s word. Instead, we are going to become an all-inclusive social club led by human emotion and unbridled compassion.”  Scripture after scripture comes to mind.

Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

For years, I’ve watched friends and mentors wander from the truth of God’s word when it comes to homosexuality. The ebb and flow takes a toll on my heart. It never gets easier to watch, but I’ve grown to expect the falling away. Facebook often bears witness when another “spiritual Titanic” is sinking. The bible even says that if possible in last days that even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived.

I run a ministry to a small cross section of men in the gay community, who find themselves desiring a life surrendered to God and not governed by their SSA.  I can understand where this guy in Nashville is coming from. Yet a ministry of all love and grace and no truth, is a false doctrine that leads people astray. A hyper grace centered focus is one factor that helped capsize the ministry of Exodus International. The Nashville Pastor’s approach to marriage and the LGBT community is steeped in worldly value, but skewed biblical truths. A Facebook friend posted the video with this caption: “Happy to call this man my pastor.” My heart winced. The effort to include a “disenfranchised” few, had instantly discredited my story of Jesus’s transforming power. The posting was from an acquaintance who knew my story, but chose to believe a lie. My heart says that people in that body of believers are being cheated out of what Jesus Christ can do when we surrender our broken sexuality to Him.  All it takes is one misinformed, misguided pastor speaking out of the recesses of his heart instead of being submitted to the word of God.

Matthew 15:13-14 13 But He answered and said, “Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.”

Gay “christianity” is not an authentic Christian walk.  Matthew 15:8-9 8 "These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.  9 And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.”  It is a offshoot of Christianity focused more on the acceptance of homosexual sin and those involved in it, rather than focusing on surrendering one’s whole heart to the will of God. Here are some telling quotes from the Gay Christian Network mission statement.

“Through conferences, speaking events, videos, message boards, and more,                  we’re TRANSFORMING THE CONVERSATION in the church and working to ‘share Christ’s light and love for all.’ ” (Emphasis is mine.)

1 John 5:3 “In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands… “. Despite repeated attempts by gay advocates to “TRANSFORM THE CONVERSATION” and rewrite scripture, God will never change His conversation on sexually immoral behavior. Scripture says that “love for God, is keeping his commandments”. Loving God even means honoring His commandment to abstain from acting out homosexually, not devising ways to reframe the biblical narrative on homosexuality. James 4:4 claims this “…Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” The truth is, God starting laying the foundations of this conversation long before satan’s Public Relations team began retooling it.

I am reminded of Psalm 119:105 “Your WORD is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” As Christians, we are to be led by God’s word, not man’s opinion. Matthew 22:37 “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart…soul…and mind.’ 39 And…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” Verse 39 is deceptively used to ‘preach’ the concept that loving someone unconditionally means universal acceptance of their sinful behavior. Christ loves us, but He doesn’t approve of our sinful behavior.

The Gay Christian movement is strong, as are all attacks of the enemy against God’s plans for humanity. I’m reminded that large gatherings of sinful people isn’t something new; it’s been happening for millennia. However, the size of the crowd is not proportionate to the “rightness” of the cause. It simply bears witness with Matthew 7:13- “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”  

I believed for 20+ years that I was born gay. For 16 years, I have allowed Jesus Christ to be the driving force behind my beliefs, rather than my broken sexuality. Authentic Christianity doesn’t’ come with a prefix.   Promoting gay “christianity” means making room on the pew for alcoholic Christians, gluttonous Christians and straight, unmarried, sexually active Christians. We all struggle with sin, but when sexual immorality is hybridized with our Christian walk, God is not honored. We must surrender our sexual sin to God for His help, instead of submitting it to God, demanding His approval. Jesus is more into transforming lives than opinions. He says in Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Alcoholics can get help for addiction. Overweight people have outlets for weight loss. Yet, satan has worked overtime to normalize the sin of homosexuality. Pastors and churches promoting freedom from homosexuality are vilified in the press.   Speak the biblical truth about sexual sin or support any organization teaching freedom from homosexuality and you’ll be attacked and brutalized. Any attempts at a balanced, intellectual dialogue are thwarted with cries of “Anti-gay” and “Hate Speech”.

I make the decision daily not to act on my SSA, the same way that unmarried, heterosexual Christians make the decision not to act on their OSA(opposite sex attractions). If the church said it was okay for straight people to act out on their sexual attractions, someone would call foul. So why is the church making allowances when it comes to the LGBT community?

I prayed for many years for God to remove my same sex desires. He never did. That didn’t mean that He didn’t hear me or that He created me gay. It simply meant that God’s plan of how to deal with my SSA didn’t involve a Holy Spirit zap.

God’s perceived indifference to my modern day prayers does not supersede the cacophonous authority of His holy scripture.

If God had zapped me during those late night, bedside prayer sessions, I do not believe I would have known Jesus as intimately as I do. If someone who struggles with SSA is honest about their early life experiences, common developmental patterns for SSA tend to emerge. In some cases, homosexual desires were, indirectly or directly, nurtured by the individual, friends or family. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character”.

I didn’t choose to have SSA. I did choose to make bad decisions because of those feelings. While no one chooses to have same sex attractions, I do believe that men are created Artistic, Sensitive and Creative. The gift of sensitivity can be man’s greatest gifting or the source of his biggest wounding.

I am thankful that the church I grew up in never preached acceptance of homosexual sin. While I believe that the evangelical church should adhere to biblical standards for all forms of sexual immorality, I think churches should welcome the LGBT community. Where else are they going to find relationship with Jesus and freedom from SSA?

Walking away from homosexuality was one of the most difficult journeys I have ever taken. Ultimately, it was the disappointment and heartache of the gay life and the leading of the Holy Spirit that led me to Jesus. The thought of walking away from homosexuality generated many fears. “I’ll have to go through puberty again.” “I’ll have to wake up every day and tell myself ‘I’m not gay’. ” “I didn’t want to date women.” “I can’t trust God. He made me this way. He ignored my cries for help.” “No one has ever left homosexuality. It isn’t possible.” Thank God, none of that was true. I realized too late, that FEAR was a big part of my belief system. I lived my life believing in an angry, semi powerful God. Boy was I wrong!

One of the reasons homosexuality is so hard to walk away from is that it pervades every area of a person’s life. The defining characteristic of homosexuality is not a simple sex act between a same sex couple, but a level of brokenness so intricate that it forces a person to work desperately to restore some sense of normalcy to the chaos. That was my daily existence for 10 years.

At the end of the day, I don’t support the gay life. After having lived it myself, God demonstrated that homosexuality is not God’s best for anyone. As Christians our identity is defined by our Savior, not our sexual brokenness. In Matthew 7:20-21, the bible says that we will know other believers by the fruit they produce. It also says “not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” The will of the Father calls us to abstain from sexual immorality. Every area of our lives is subject to the will of God.

Romans 14:12 woke me up to reality. “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” God was going to hold me personally responsible for how I lived my life and my response to Jesus’ sacrifice for my sin. After living ten years as a gay man and calling myself a gay Christian, I knew I had answered ‘Yes’ to sin and ‘No’ to Jesus Christ.

Contrary to popular belief, Jesus spoke out against all forms of sexual immorality, homosexuality included. The bible never classified homosexuality separately than other forms of sexual immorality. You can credit modern day gay advocates for that. Jesus addressed sexual immorality in general in Matthew 15: 19, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person…”.  Sexual immorality, homosexuality included, defiles a person. That is pretty clear.

I wholeheartedly agree that the church hasn’t been kind to the LGBT community. However, over sympathizing as a means of correcting the wrongs of the past fosters a grotesque wave of hyper-sensitivity, where rather than bringing truth and grace simultaneously to the wounded, we bow to their every whim.

In the wrong hands, Love becomes a virus rather than a vaccine.

Jesus. nothing else matters.

In the middle of cooking my dinner last night, the Holy Spirit brought a guy to mind and simply said you need to check on him now. I’ve experienced this Holy Spirit inkling before, but had not experienced in awhile. Anyway, I sent the guy a text. The first return text simply said, “Ummm”. The next few texts proved that it was indeed the Holy Spirit’s voice I’d heard and not just my own inner monolgue.           My friend was arranging an intimate encounter with another guy, when he received my text. I shared my Holy Spirit prompting with him. I also let him know that he had the chance to stop the encounter; that the Holy Spirit was looking out for him. My friend’s exact words were, “It’s amazing how I can ignore the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but a text is hard to ignore.” Interesting. When we ignore the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit, sometimes He “phones a friend”. There were a few more texts that evening, but no deep conversation. A voice text in the morning confirmed what I already felt in my spirit.   Despite the warnings, my friend decided not to take the escape route and went ahead with the encounter with the guy.

Before you judge my friend, ask yourself, “Have I ever been there before?” The place where your flesh and your mind conspire to write a script and your body acts it out. That doesn’t absolve us of responsibility. It simply shows us that when we are caught up in our addictions we need supernatural help to break free.

I get lots of calls for help. Some guys are seeking God’s wisdom and some are simply seeking comfort in the moment. It is always a chance to practice humility. If I am simply compassionate, taking their woes on my shoulders, I make myself responsible for meeting their needs. In essence, I become their god. Where the humility comes into play, is realizing that only God can meet their need. I can get an emotional high from helping them, but I am really the only one benefitting. Every phone call should be centered on Jesus and steeped in God’s word. Every conversation should end in prayer. Colossians 3:16 “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit…”. If someone’s problems come to rest on my ego, then nothing eternal is accomplished.

When we neglect to factor Jesus into the equation of our lives, things just don’t add up. Jesus says it this way, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5. In short, we were built to be in relationship with the King of the Universe. Without the Word of God, without fully relying on Jesus, the struggle to break free from sin is done in our own strength. God gives us the strength to walk away. He also cuts the ‘rubber bands’ that keep yanking us back into sin when we’ve reached our limit.

We may have been survivor’s all our life. We may have been the most independent and reliable people on the planet. The veritable Kings of our Castle, but once we say yes to Jesus we must begin the process of surrendering all our “control” over to Him.

I have met many people who’ve said they tried to walk out of homosexuality and it didn’t work. So they stopped trying. Jesus is not something you test drive like a car. He’s a ‘someone’ you continually, diligently pursue for the rest of your life.   James 4:8 says that if we draw close to God, He will draw close to us. More often than not those who’ve tried and failed are doing it in their own strength. Jesus never gets full control of their lives, but He definitely gets all the blame when SSA feelings don’t go away. It isn’t fair. To God? To the struggler? To the people that they will influence?

That being said, this is my official resignation letter. I hereby abdicate my right to the throne as King over my domain and destiny. I hereby resign as the King over anyone else’s as well. I humbly take on the duty of letting my life and my words lead people to Jesus; the person who helped me with my brokenness. The Cross of Christ; where “simply existing” ends and real life begins.

It is my greatest desire to point you to Jesus. He is the only reason I have walked in freedom from the sin of homosexuality. Jesus is the only reason that my same sex attractions never truly solidified into a gay identity. If you are leaning on anything other than Jesus, then I lovingly say you have it wrong. If you are allowing your pride and independence to stand between you and fully surrendering your life to Jesus, you are missing out. If we are not fully relying on Jesus for everything, then we are destined for disappointment. Doomed to tread the same, circular rut, over and over wondering why progress seems so elusive.

Jesus says this, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” -John 14:6.

Jesus also said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” -Matthew 16:24. David Crowder says it this way. “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Lord, I want to go to heaven, but I don’t want to die. Though I long for the day when I have new birth. Still I love livin’ here on earth.”

Luke:14:26 "If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.” Jesus isn’t literally saying to hate anyone. He is simply saying that we are to love Him more than our family and even our very lives. He is saying that He is to be our main influence in this life. Jesus was able to put God’s will before His sexuality. We should hold ourselves to the same standard.

During the years after I walked away from homosexuality, I struggled with doing the right thing. I lived righteously. I lived carnally; like the tides, my spiritual life ebbed and flowed. I knew the bible didn’t support the theology of gay “christianity”, to which I had once subscribed, but I was having trouble reconciling my beliefs and broken sexuality. Eventually, I found Galatians 5:16 “…Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” The bible was basically saying that if I pursued a walk with God, then I could find freedom from my gay life.

I was a few months into my walk with God, when I felt God calling me into a deeper relationship with Him. I had spent 10 years doing my own thing, with my whole heart. It was time to follow God with the same kind of reckless abandon. I didn’t want to be like any of the people Jesus mentioned in Luke:9:57-62.

57 Now it happened as they journeyed on the road, that someone said to Him, "Lord, I will follow You wherever You go." 58 And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." 59 Then He said to another, "Follow Me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father."

60 Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God."

61 And another also said, "Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house." 62 But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."

The Christian walk is about forward motion. I couldn’t see progress on a daily basis when I was just starting to walk with God, but eventually after a few months, I felt lighter. Continue walking toward God and away from your sin and eventually you will see the difference.

I have blogged before about my 35-year struggle with internet pornography. I will never be one to hide my sin, but I will be one to credit Jesus for my triumphs over it. I didn’t walk away from homosexuality more than 15 years ago, because I have great willpower. All the glory and credit for that walk goes to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I demonstrated a willingness to move toward God and away from sin. In turn, God etched a path in the rock for me.   I had to decide to follow God, one difficult decision at a time. The little failures that God allowed, taught me lessons to avoid big failures later on. The world looks at our failures through a magnifying glass. God looks at them through the blood of Jesus.

           Surrender to Jesus. It really is the difference between life and death. The world has plenty of medications to offer and every one of them will keep you sick. Heaven has but one prescription for what ails you and He works every time.

Close Mouth. Open Heart.

Point Number 1: For the longest time, the “word” irregardless wasn’t a word. If I heard it used in conversation, it registered in that part of my brain that processes sounds like ‘nails on a chalkboard’, a cat caught under a rocking chair or anything sung by Taylor Swift.   Many modern “dictionaries” now classifiy ‘irregardless’ as a non-standard word, but a word nonetheless. As I type, spellcheck is delightfully highlighting irregardless with a squiggly, red underline. We learn from the website quickanddirtytips.com. The prefix ‘ir’- is a negative prefix. If you add…‘ir’ to a word that's already negative like regardless, you're making a double-negative…that literally means “without without regard.” Here’s a tip. If you are doing your best to present a valid, intellectual point to support your stance on, well, anything, just use regardless and choose your other words carefully. You don’t want to be deemed illiterate two seconds after you open your mouth to show everybody how smart you are.

Point Number 2: Ever hear the phrase, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. Turns out, it’s not entirely true or biblical. Disagree? Let me introduce you to Job, David, Noah, Joseph, Jesus and every other person that has found themselves at the “I CAN’T HANDLE THIS” end of God’s will. This phrase is serially misquoted as scripture more times than Kim Kardashian has hoisted a camera aloft to snap a selfie. God often does give us more than we can handle, because if we could handle it, well, we wouldn’t need God now would we?

Applying this phrase to someone’s pain is like slapping a band-aid on a hatchet wound. The scripture being mis-referenced here is 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

God provides a way of escape when temptation that leads to sin, comes your way. However, God allows life altering, will-breaking, unmanageable situations into our lives so that we stop leaning “on our own understanding”, strength and resolve and instead surrender to and seek Him out. Temptation and unfortunate circumstances aren’t synonymous.

God often does give us more than we can handle. We can also give ourselves more than we can handle and then mistakenly attribute credit to God. When God does allow trials that are beyond our understanding and strength, it is often to demonstrate our great need for Him. If we flippantly preach this feel good phrase to non-Christians and God does give them more than they can handle, it is God, not us, that gets the blame. We are telling people they don’t need God, because they have what it takes, in themselves, to make it without God. That message contradicts Jesus’ message in John 15.  “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing,” John 15:5. The writing is on the wall. Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing.

Be challenged my friends over the next few weeks. Make every effort to retire this overworked and useless phrase. Instead, offer those in pain, a hug, a listening ear, personal prayer, your own testimony of God’s grace or full-blown scripture that will minister to their eternal well-being. Refuse to simply placate someone’s fleeting, emotional need, when the Holy Spirit is ready to use the opportunity to speak through you and lead your friend to Jesus.

Hard times can crush the heart and open it to ministry. Scripture allows the truth, grace and wisdom of God safe passage into our lives.

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”       Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are             crushed in spirit.”

How does this truth relate to my life? I would not have turned to Jesus Christ were it not for my struggles with homosexuality. That struggle opened a window of opportunity for God, in my life. I had the “perfect” life. I was smart, resourceful and determined to make it on my own without God, my family or any other human, but the struggle with my broken sexuality was far more than I could handle alone. I struggled for many years to reconcile my homosexual desires with my Christianity. As a Christian, it simply isn’t an option to fully surrender to a life patterned around my same sex attractions. I needed the help of an all-powerful savior and all knowing God to help me discover God’s truth and direction concerning my sexuality. I don’t celebrate my homosexual desires like many in the world today, but I know that without that level of sexual brokenness I would not have fully experienced the love of my savior Jesus.

Don’t just pat someone on the back my friends. Touch them down deep with the guiding light of God’s word.

One Yes at a Time

As a young man struggling with gay attractions, there were days I prayed for God to take them away. There were days I felt hopeless for a life apart from them. I gave up on God. He never gave up on me. For that, I am grateful.  God helped me walk away from the sin of my gay life and gave me a new life.  He was only able to do that when I acknowledged my sinful decisions and surrendered to Him. I want the same kind of freedom for anyone stuck between the opinion of the world and the truth of God, regarding homosexuality.  With God all things are possible.  Here is a small portion of my story.  

Picture it. Halloween 1998, I was roaming New Orleans dressed as one of the drag queens from Priscilla Queen of the Desert. God wasn't even a blip on my radar. Many a night prior to this I had wandered around New Orleans drunk and searching. Little did I know, but this evening’s jaunt was to be my swan song in the gay community. Over the next two months, I would make life changing decisions, as my heart grew heavy and my wallet thin.

My father and I were talking more. My mom was growing ill. I promised her I would return home, if she needed me. I had devolved into a completely self serving person and used my mom’s health as an excuse to leave my crazy life behind. During those two months I had been date raped by a guy, broke up with him and began dating his best friend, Scott. Scott was the last guy I dated. It lasted a mere two weeks, serving as a last ditch effort to make the gay life work for me. I was starved for love and affection. I chased off all Scott’s friends in an attempt to have him all to myself. Eventually, Scott broke up with me. I accepted my dad's fervent invitation to return home and "regroup". Why would I return home? Returning home to my hometown was the best and worst thing I could do; it wreaked of failure. God had initiated a chain of events that I couldn’t derail. I was desperate for change of any kind; lost and utterly hopeless.

1998 was drawing to a close. So was my 10 year run as a gay man. My flesh was not happy. I packed up everything I owned and drove from Mississippi to Oklahoma. I had one last hoorah with an ex-boyfriend in Texas before finishing the journey home. A long, lonely chapter was ending. I was abandoning everything to do the right thing. The right thing? I didn't have a fat clue what the right thing was.

My family was the same as I had left them 10 years prior. My mom was still suffering from the ravages of bipolar disorder. My dad was still an absent workaholic. God was silent. Still. For two months I was addicted to the most depraved forms of internet porn, while simultaneously attending church and working 50 hours a week as a truck driver. When God spoke again, it was to the point. He asked me if I was finished with porn and ready to start the business of living out my calling. Life had become exhausting. I gave God one more yes and prayed, "I have tried to make my life work for ten years God. I have tried to be gay no matter what You threw at me. I can't make this gay life work. I don't know how You are going to make it work, but I am giving you the reins of my life Lord. You have complete control. Let's see what You can do."

That was all the invitation God needed. My life changed, when I gave God full access. As you read this, please know that I stand before you as a man of much experience. Translation, a man who has done many wrong things on the way to the right thing. A man whose God never gives up, even when the man does. Jesus Christ is the only reason that any of my words have any influence. I know that many of you stand on the verge of something great. 20 years ago I stood in the very same spot. May I whisper to you a simple encouragement:

"There is Hope. Do not give up. The struggle out of bondage and into the arms of Jesus is worth it."

That journey out of gay life began simply enough. I never made a specific plan not to be gay or not to have sex with guys ever again. I concentrated on serving Jesus one day, then another. Working to rebuild trust that had been shattered by so many men. After a few short months away from bars and guys, God had worked a miracle. He had slowly becoming my one and only. My faith was growing. God was loosening my dependence on all things gay.

What is it that God is asking you to do? What is he saying to "Get rid of"? Is He asking you to stop talking to an old boyfriend? Is He encouraging you to close certain doors to your past? Change your phone number? Delete your Facebook "romances"? Is He asking you to clear space for Him in your busy, mixed up life?

More importantly, are you listening?

I said "Yes" to God once and continually find ways to say "Yes" daily. The time to act is now. God constructs miracles, one "Yes" at a time.

Eyes on Your Own Ballot

Earlier today a young man that I mentored sent me a link to an unsettling, but not surprising blog post. Apparently, it came out that Randy Thomas, the former Vice President of Exodus International, well, “Came Out”.   My friend was emotional. To be honest, it upset me for a millisecond and then I went back to reading my daily devotion. As the day wore on, I felt no need to write an impassioned blog response, adding fuel to a fire that was smoldering at best. While some may see this a great opportunity to dialogue about the woes of gay Christianity, I felt like God was simply saying, tell them about my Son Jesus and what He did for you; about His plan of redemption and mercy for humanity. Don’t trouble yourself with the people who have ultimately rejected God’s plan laid out in the scriptures. That last line wasn’t a dig at anyone. We either say, Yes to Jesus and follow God’s plan for our lives, or we allow sin of any kind to gain a foothold in our life and reject God’s plan by making Jesus a contributor to our plan instead of the Savior of our life. First off, let me just say that Jesus Christ is still working on me. I’m terrible with finances, I drink too much soda and I used to secretly take pictures of larger people at Golden Corral while they weren’t looking. I’m a work in progress, but I fully admit there are areas where I need work. I don’t sit back and try to convince anyone that they should accept and celebrate my faults.

For example, take the area of my sexual brokenness. I lived as a gay man in my mind a lot longer than the actual ten years I lived as a gay man after coming out. I tried to convince everyone that I was “born gay” and then that I was a “gay Christian”. I couldn’t explain my same sex attractions away, so I tried to convince people that God had created me gay. Why?

I felt my same sex attractions deeply, down to my very core.

Thank God there was nobody reinterpreting the bible to validate homosexuality back then. Satan is using so many people as mouthpieces today in an effort to twist scripture and legitimize homosexuality. I knew the bible spoke out against homosexuality and that the only thing supporting my decision to be gay was the aforementioned, “deep-seated” feelings of unknown origin. In my thought life, “they just were there”. This led to the belief that I had no choice, I just had to build a life around them, because they weren’t going away.

I eventually walked away from my gay life. Why would I walk away now when I couldn’t bring myself to walk away before? Had my feelings changed? Did God appear me to in a cloud or a bright light on the highway? No and no. God simply allowed my gay life to lead me to the dead end where it will eventually lead everyone.   Though my feelings had not changed, every ounce of belief that I could be fulfilled and happy as a gay man was gone. True, there was nothing that could separate me from the love of God, but God never placed His blessing on the gay life I was leading. It was outside of His will for my sexuality and the whole of His creation. The grace and mercy of God was that He kept His protective hand on me as I defiantly lived a life that screamed, “NO GOD”, until I was ready to return to Him humbly whispering, “Yes God.”

Every day of my life as a Christian, Jesus gives me the choice to choose life or death. He encourages me to choose life, but He gives me the option to choose death if I want to, it’s the beauty and the curse of Free Will. The choice seems like a no brainer to all those folks out there with minor struggles, but satan has honed his skills since his first act of deception in the garden. He has managed to cloud the choice between life and death by disguising death as a better, more palatable version of “life”. Its troubling to see anyone choose death, but no man who has ever spent time at the altar of an Exodus conference ever walks back into homosexuality easily. They deserve our prayers, but not our judgment or approval. Jesus suffered and endured the pain and anguish of the cross so we could have a choice to wholeheartedly follow God’s will or allow the cares of this world and the allure of sin to cause us to reject His will. Manage your own decision well before ever casting a vote in someone else’s election.

My relationship with Jesus is where my heart rises and falls every day. There will always be temptations to return to the places I was comfortable, no matter what, but I rest assured that temptation is not sin nor does it define my sexual preference or identity. In Christ there will always be a choice as well. The bible I read, speaks of redemption from every manner of sexual sin, including homosexuality. It says that God has a purpose and a plan for man and satan screwed that all up. It says that Jesus Christ came to earth, was crucified and was resurrected from the dead so that you and I can have life and have it more abundantly.

To me that says that I can choose not to live a life forever looking through the viewfinder of homosexuality. All sinful, sexual practices in the bible are still categorized together, because they are all outside the only God ordained sexual expression, which is between a married man and woman. Homosexuality has only been separated out, because it has one heck of a public relations team and thousands of testimonials from “satisfied” customers.

It is not God’s will that anyone live a life based on homosexuality or any other sinful practice. We have the choice to surrender all the broken, sinful parts of our lives to God. He will show each of us the path He has chosen for us to follow based on the bible, or we can choose to follow a path and a god of our own design based on thoughts, feelings and flawed human reason.

Deuteronomy 30:19 “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live…”