The Road Ahead

So, I met a lady at a party the other night.  I will just let that rest there as you predict the potential outcome of this post.

Some of you are praising God that your prayers have been answered, while others of you are immediately beginning to pray that this mystery woman has patience.  A larger portion of you are waiting for the punch line.

So, I met a lady at a party the other night.  Her name is Jenny.  She introduced me to another woman named Jenny; her wife.  When I hear a women talk about her wife or a man talk about his husband, it hits a part of my brain that is less shock and more intrigue.  I have been introduced to plenty of same-sex wives and husbands.  It is simply the sign of the age in which we reside.

Meeting the two Jennys led me down a path of retrospection.  If things had been different, I would have married my longtime boyfriend in 1996.  And 20 years later Iwould be introducing my husband, Joseph.  That gave me pause for thought.  To be honest, my first thought wasn't "thank God I didn't get married to a man."  My first thought was more selfish in nature; "Thank God I didn't get married, because I wouldn't have enjoyed the freedom of a single life for the last 20 years."  Whether I had married a man or a woman, is inconsequential when it comes to freedom.  Life decisions are different when it's you alone at the head of the board room, rather than you, your spouse and a few kids all weighing in with their opinions.

While the world is celebrating marriage for one and all, I have to say that each time I see a gay couple together, my heart aches for them.  Label me a hater, I don't care.  It's isn't a judgment call.  I have been where they are and beyond.  I know that gay marriage is not in God's plan for His creation.  I know the human desire to live a normal life intermingled with the complications of homosexual desires.

In case you were wondering, I didn't wake up one day and want to marry a man.  By the time I got to the point, I had been through a myriad of conversations and decisions about my homosexual desires.  Wanting to marry a man came after a thousands of compromises, daily shame and heartbreak and many acts of settling for less.  I never thought I could leave homosexuality behind.  I didn't want to live in the Christian worldwhere they seemed to hate me, so I made the best life I could in the mess of my broken sexuality.  I look back now and know that it was only the prayers of my father that kept me from succumbing fully to the deception of homosexuality.  If you are a praying parent, do not stop praying and fighting for your child.  The bible says that the effectual, fervent prayers of a righteous person avails much.

I think that in today's culture, there is so much acceptance promoted and demanded for all things gay, that gay people get to the marriage decision a lot sooner than I did.  I am thankful I had time to wrestle between the religions of homosexuality and Christianity.  All these years later, I have a faith with Jesus and a walk out of homosexuality that were forged in the fires of trial and error; safe from angry, belligerent gays and angrier Christians who took "the bible is a sword" scripture way, too, seriously.   The gay community goes after anyone with even an inkling of sexual struggle these days, expecting them to claim citizenship under one of the ever-growing collection of initials in the LGBTQ+ moniker.

This year I celebrate that 19 years ago on December 22, 1998, I said no longer will I run from God.  No longer will I believe the lie that I was born gay or that gay is a reasonable compatriot of heterosexuality.  No longer could I continue to believe something about myself that God didn't believe or orchestrate.  I didn't leave homosexuality behind easily.  I had to take action.  There was a point where I had to stop waffling between the two great ideologies raging within me and freakin' PICK SOMETHING to believe in.

In the gospels, Jesus appears to his disciples after his crucifiction on the beach.  After the death of Jesus, their friend and teacher, they had returned to their old lives as fishermen.  I imagine that they were paralyzed with hopelessness and grief.  What I find compelling and encouraging is Jesus's actions towards Peter.  The weight of what Peter had done weighed heavily on him.  He carried the weight of his sin into his interaction with Jesus.  Jesus, in turn, brought something unexpected.  Jesus reminded Peter of their bond and welcomed him to the next season of growth, despite his sinful past.

The Lord is doing the same for me.  I am currently spending time some time on the shore with Jesus.  He is calling me to a new season of growth.  To lay down over 40 years of struggle and follow Him with a renewed spirit.  He has called me to make decisions to free myself of the obstacles I have allowed to take root in my heart and to trust Him to do the necessary surgery on my soul.  He is reminding me that before I was an earthly son, a minister, an ex-gay or an executive director, He is my savior and I am His chosen disciple.  I feel the freest I have ever felt.  Considering the Lord delivered me from the idea that I was gay for 27 years, that is saying a lot.  As I divulge myself of the things that have kept me bound, I step into a new season, a new beginning and land where excuses stand between me and my ultimate purpose.

This new season is best described by an idea my pastor birthed a few weeks back.  The life of a Christian is simply this.

Jesus.  All day.  Every day.

Name Changer

I have been contemplating a complete name change for this blog for awhile.  The old name, "Unicorns, Alien, and Bigfoot - my post gay life", satisfied my need to be quirky and original, if even a tad bit snarky, but it left most people scratchin' their heads.  The name, though descriptive, needed...something.  Thus began a long process of contemplation.  I texted my friend Rochelle.  "Should I morph the old name with the new name?" "Should I give people time to acclimate to change?"  "Or should I just simply change the name and be done with it?"  Rochelle contemplated for about three seconds and texted back, "Rip off the Band-aid!" A huge thank you to the readers that have stuck around for the last 4 years.  Here is hoping that more people join our ranks as we head out into the world under our new name.  I started this blog at the behest of the Holy Spirit.  He told me to write a blog from the perspective of a low-down, dirty Christian struggling well to serve Jesus while living on earth.  Like many LGBTQ'ers, I grew up believing that I was born gay.   At 17 I started college.  I stopped attending church and began to seek out gay people who might help to sort out the confusion in my head.  For the next 10 years I cultivated every aspect of my gay life, ever wrestling with the idea this wasn't how God intended for me to live.   It's been almost 18 years since I walked away from my gay life.   I don't walk with God so that I won't be tempted to be gay.  I walk with God so that my creator can show me more and more each day who I was created to be.

The inception of this blog was about God calling me to live a Revelation 12:11 and Mark 16:15 kind of life out loud.  Revelation 12:11 says that we overcome by blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.  Mark 16:15 says go into all the world and preach the gospel.  God was challenging me to use my gift of writing to share my story of healing from sexual brokenness.  He was also giving me the freedom to share my trials and triumphs openly.   No one else was sharing this kind of information with such honesty.  So honestly that it simultaneously offended both Christians and the LGBTQ community.

There are times when I feel like a lone soldier, set adrift on the battlefield.  I occupy a crazy niche between the church and the LGBTQ community.  Both are shocked by what I say and neither actively welcome my presence.

Who am I?  I am not a gay man.  I am not a "Christian" as the world understands Christians.  I am, a disciple of Jesus.

I have a heart for sparking compassion in the church for the gay community.  I have a heart to lead the lost to Jesus.  If the lost happen to be LGBTQ folks, then that's s a bonus.  I don't a get a toaster in heaven when LGBTQ peeps say yes to God, but it warms my heart, because I have shared their lives, wrestled with their struggles, felt their brokenness and suffered their alienation.  The LGBTQ community welcomed my brokenness long before the church could cope with my unmasked face.  They are as loved by God as the next person.

The goal in changing the name of the blog isn't some weird publicity stunt bent on boosting waning interest.  It is part of a greater effort to reach a greater audience and more adequately represent the content and the direction of ministry.  God has gifted me with wisdom gleaned from the hurt and pain of walking through 27 years of sexual brokenness.  It's a treasure meant to be shared.  satan spent 27 years trying to keep me down.  Jesus spent his lifetime so that I might stand.  Whether you are just joining in or starting year number 5, I invite you to Take a walk With Me and share my journey around the Son.

If you won't. I will

Have you ever felt like giving up?  What comes to mind when I say that?  Quitting your job?  Your marriage?  Smoking that joint?  Hitting that pipe?  A one night stand? Giving in to porn?  Suicide? We are bombarded, yet encapsulated.  Bombarded daily by the attacks of the enemy, yet forever encapsulated in the arms of God.  Our choices are often satan’s playground.  satan has had more than ample opportunity to kill me, but God has never let go of me. Someone recently asked me, “Does ministry ever get easier?”  I can answer with an emphatic Yes…and…No.  I smile all day long when people are teachable.  There are parents who receive the wisdom I have to offer.  Then there are those folks I refer to as spiritual sandpaper.  God applies them frequently and liberally to my rough edges.

This morning I was greeted with an email from a guy that used to attend our ministry a long time ago.  We are having a ministry get together tonight and he has decided to come and join us.  WOW WOW WOW!  The story of the leaving the 99 to get the 1 is alive and well.

I love reaching the marginalized folks in the LGBTQ+ community, MY COMMUNITY, with the word of God.  I don’t like having to deal with church politics, tradition and the antiquated, ministerial techniques that have only isolated and alienated the people of the gay community.  The days of “Love the sinner, hate the sin” are long gone.  If you are preaching it, then you belong in a warehouse somewhere next to a Tucker and a pile of T-rex bones.  If you are wanting to have an impact on the gay community, then before you start talking about what gay people may or may not have chosen, take a good look at your own sin buddy.  When you are ready to get honest, let’s get some coffee and get to work.

For the most part, churches and the pastors of those churches have abdicated their right to speak into the lives of LGBTQ+ people.  They haven’t spoken the truth in love.  They have spoken a partial truth in manipulation to try and get “those people” to straighten up.  I feel like Dr. Phil would ask the church, “How’s that working out for you?”

When it comes to ministering to the gay community with the truth of the word of God, the church has lost the battle.  Yes, the bible is a sword, but it is also a well spring of life.  LGBTQ+ people aren’t showing up en masse to our church.  They will one day, but for now that is the niche where my ministry lies.  LGBTQ+ people have their own churches, bars and neighborhoods.  They have retreated to these places, because we weren’t playing nice.  They were tired of being persecuted and having their character maligned, by people that assume rather than relate.  The largest part of my ministry plays out in real world scenarios not in the church.  (WHAT? Clutching pearls. GASP!)  Not in the church?  The bible doesn’t say, sit and smugly wait for the 1 to return to the 99.  It says, leave the 99 that are fat and happy and unconcerned about the lost and go find the one that really needs and wants help.  .

The ministry I direct is a relational one.  It is not something that can be diagrammed and statistified (LOL) in order to make it more palatable to Christians with money.  Yet, daily I am subject to a meddling kind of scrutiny, that doesn’t exist with other missionaries.  For the past year, I have been “busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest”.  I worked 5 part time jobs, direct two ministries and orchestrate every aspect of two giant garage sales.  I am not living it up on the beach at Disney people, I am in the trenches.  And quite frankly if you were, too, you might be a little more understanding.

I had a supporter call me up, again, to scrutinize how I might be spending their $50 a month.  In stark contrast, I had a gay man who is married to his partner call and offer to pay for a scholarship to my upcoming inner healing prayer conference.  WHAT?  I remember that one scripture that says if my people refuse to praise me, then the rocks will cry out.

The hardest part of my ministry isn’t reaching the hearts of the gay community with the message of Jesus.  The hardest part is getting Christians to pay for it.  (Mic drop)

Our ministry is the classic case of “I don’t want to do that, but I will tell you how to do it.”  Frankly, it insults and exhausts me.  I am doing what God has called me to do.  I can’t quantify my efforts, but I can see the results.

On more than one occasion, I have felt like giving up.  The level of support for a Christian ministry to the gay community is not one of the churches priorities.  Most churches have either aligned themselves with gay theology or simply stuck their head in the sand regarding this issue.  If I was a missionary who sold everything to go live in a mud hut somewhere, wear burlap, eat rice and beans and play “impromptu” soccer games with the local children, people would be throwing money at me left and right.  Their only expectation would be an occasional grainy picture through email of me and a yearly visit where I show up emaciated and looking fatigued.  God has not called me to that though.  I think that is where the confusion sets in.  I don’t work hard enough for some and to others I work, too, hard.  Since, I have chosen to live stateside, the level of care, concern and support is anemic at best.

It can be summed up in one statement.  “I love what I do.  I just wish other people with money did as well.”

I have probably lost about three of my 10 supporters with this email, but these things needed to be said.  I am not the only under-funded ministry to the LGBTQ+ community in existence.  I am simply vocal.  I grow tired of limping along financially, as I do what God has called me to do.

If you won’t write the check, I will.  If you won’t love you daughter or son’s partner, I will.  If you won’t take your head out of the sand to share the gospel, I will.  I love what I do.  I will continue to do it until God calls me on or home.  Funded or not.  Tired or rested.  You may think these to be spirited rants from a disgruntled heart, but you couldn’t be further from the truth.  I spend each day wondering, plotting, thinking about how to make a difference in the lives of your kids, your relatives and friends in the LGBTQ+ community.  You can make my job harder or easier.  That is the only choice that exists here.

Heavy Breather

When I first visited Colorado, it was after living in the lowlands of Oklahoma for 14 years.  On top of Pike’s Peak, I found myself gasping for air every few breaths.  It was a simple problem that eventually passed.  Yet, in the beginning each gasp for air brought on panic and anxiety.  Breathing was something I had taken for granted.  Something I never had to think about.  Then one day, I decided to climb a mountain. After God formed Adam from the dust of the earth, the bible says in Genesis 2:7, “the LORD God breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”  Adam’s first breath was on loan from God.  It says that God breathed into Adam’s nostrils.  I think about the CPR and first aid training I’ve had.  Sure glad the Red Cross doesn’t perform CPR according to scripture.  Can you imagine waking up to someone’s mouth firmly clasped over your nose?  It would sure make movie drowning rescues a tad less romantic.

Our weekly life group lesson dealt with another kind of “breath of life”.  I felt a little like Neo in the Matrix, wandering down the rabbit hole as God began to draw parallels between His breath of life for Adam and our breath of life for people.  God began to unpack multiple life lessons in my head, with more twists and turns than a Game of Thrones Finale.  When the dust settled, my knees were bent, my heart ached and I knew I had to consider each word carefully from here on out.

What did God teach me about the heavy consequences of my breath?  He says that the tongue holds the power of life and death.  Our words can lift people up or break them down.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…”.  Matthew 15:11 says that the stuff that comes out of our mouths defiles us.

God knows our infinite need for reminders along our journey on earth.  That is why he consistently lays a trail of bread crumbs back to Genesis throughout the bible.  He wants us to remember that first Divine breath that brought life to Adam.  He challenges us to in turn to breathe life into those around us.

1 Peter 1:16 “because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.”  Once again God uses scripture to say, if you wanna be like me you gotta act like me.  He says I have good intentions, you should, too.  I gave life with My breath.  Give life with yours.  Jesus tells us that if we believe in Him, we will do the works He was doing, and we will do even greater works than He did.  We may not have God’s super powers, but we can be super powerful if we have God.

James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth comes praise and cursing…this should not be.”  I am convicted by this scripture, every time I unleash a verbal barrage of anger and disdain on tourists inside my car in traffic.  I reminded of my selfish nature when someone says something that hits the “I’m Offended Lobe” in my brain and I go off.

As I contemplated this week’s lesson: think before you speak and distribute grace, not judgment with your mouth, I caught a glimpse of creation in my mind.  God’s hands were still dusty from forming Adam from the ground.  He was bent low over Adam, perhaps admiring His work.  Then I imagine God taking in a deep breath, knowing full well the great good and bad of which Adam was capable.  Knowing full well that Adam could choose to love Him or not, He never paused, He never stopped to reconsider.

He just breathed. 

         God chose to give life regardless of what Adam might choose or deserve.  God challenged me in that moment to make the same choice.  To love freely.  To give life with every breath.  God may have breathed life into Adam’s nostrils, but He is calling us to breathe life into the ears of the rest of creation.

"My Chosen Family"

When I was in my twenties Banana Republic came out with an ad campaign that, even for back then, pushed the envelope of societal norms.  The tagline of their three page photo spread was “My Chosen Family”.  Those words highlighted pictures of chiseled, male models holding hands with perky, yet elegant female models.  As one turned the page there were guys holding hands with guys and girls following in their same sex steps.  Those pages were life to my dead, lonely, closeted soul.  It was veritable buffet of emotional porn that the enemy used to entice and ensnare simultaneously.  They led me to believe I belonged somewhere. I don’t know if you are tired of hearing me pine on and on about what life was like back then, but frankly, I don’t care.  Today, in a world where modern technology prevents us from being alone on a toilet for more than two seconds, people are still love starved and desperate for meaningful connection.  People are still dying of interminable loneliness.  I was that kid.  I was that teenager.  And somedays I am still that adult.  A statement came to me last week that reverberated through the last 45 years of my life.

"I've never had a moment where I was alone, yet I've spent most of my life lonely."

As I hit the send button on each one of these blogs I feel like a scientist sending messages into outer space, waiting and wondering if I will get a response.  There are times I know that I am sending out a literary cure for loneliness.  Other times I know that I am letting someone know that Jesus has not forgotten them.  That God will never leave them, forget about them or leave them alone.  Then there are times that I feel this blog goes up like the Bat Signal performing multiple purposes using just one source of light.

I have been experiencing an awakening my friends.  Like the feeling generated when you feel the first gust of a fall breeze or see one tiny, unexpected snowflake delivered by the wind.  It has nothing to do with the physical seasons and everything to do with the spiritual season of my heart, my calling, God’s timing.

You may or may not know this, but I was born with a super sensitive heart; a blessing from God; a perceived weakness by some.  I have suffered great damage to my heart and that sensitivity at the hands of family and those close to me.  I couldn't choose my real family.  So when the idea that I could actually belong to a loving family, a family of my choosing came along, it tripped every sensor in the “YES, PLEASE” portion of my brain.

I have long since forgiven those closest to me for the atrocities, real and perceived, that were perpetrated on me.  Moving beyond the hurt feelings and the need for revenge prevented those who hurt me, from damaging me further.  On the other side of forgiveness though, I emerged a different man with responses and reactions that had nothing to do with who God created me to be and more to do with the broken man shaped by the world.  I spent the biggest part of my life wanting people to see me as smart, attractive, fun and accomplished.  And an even bigger part investing so much time in trying to look like I had finally ARRIVED that I quickly lost sight of the journey and the ever changing destinations.

This past week as hurricane Irma devastated island after island and eventually my home state, I was safely tucked away in Oklahoma visiting my father.  I was also blessed to connect with one of my oldest college friends.  We hadn’t seen each other in 13 years.  Our only knowledge of one another were the snippets of info and blurry pictures scattered across social media and the occasional search engine.  Sitting down with my oldest friend, I was confronted with just how much life has passed me by.  The passage of time revealed to me that neither one of us are the boisterous, boy crazy fools we were at Oklahoma State.  I realized that out of every other person in my life, Scotty knows me better than any human on the face of the planet.  That is partially because he has known me so long, but mostly because I decided long ago, he could be trusted and I let him in.

There are Sundays that I am feel like I am being more truthful than every other person in church.  I can spot BS from a mile away and smell it from 5.  I don’t make friends easily.  I don't trust easily either.  I feel like someone always has ulterior motives.  I imagine that most people as characters in a bad English spy movie.  I look for inconsistencies in their stories.  Every once in a while the Lord leads me to good people.  The Holy Spirit gives me the go ahead and I start a long and meaningful relationship.  satan is always stirring up the microscopic seeds of my past to spawn a fresh batch of sh...shtuff.  New people who remind us of people in our past, can often trigger old thought patterns, habits and responses.  I fight daily to maintain these new relationships with the newly elected members of “my chosen family”.

Different than the people in those Banana Republic ads, the chosen family of my life nowadays are 3 dimensional.  They have encountered sickness, heartache, divorce, rape and other atrocities.  Some of them have been crushed under the weight of it.  Their hearts may never love the same again.  But the God we serve is the same yesterday, today and forever.  The God we serve will always be by our side, and hold our hand even as He sees fit to allow us to walk through the fires of our everyday Hell.

I do my best to honor my father and mother as the scripture commands, but I will be damned if I will stay silent, keeping a lid on my pain and anguish, because those who have hurt me are now embarrassed by the truths that I share in the open.  It is often the victims who suffers fresh, daily death, even after the perpetrators have long since forgotten their crimes.

I wrote a piece of poetry once that dripped with crimson rivers of vengeance.  I would never physically harm anyone in real life, but I could murder my foes a thousand times over in my literary ramblings.  When I laid down my right to vengeance and asked God for forgiveness and to cleanse my heart from the harm I had wished on my enemies, my chains fell away.  For the first time, I could look long and hard into the lives of my tormentors and feel a compassion and an understanding for a life of familiar despair.

God is not my co-pilot as an 80’s bumpersticker once decreed.  God is my life support system.  Jesus tells me this, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."  I sit here in the 2am dark of my Florida living room, praising God not that I found Him or He found me, but instead praising Him because I was never misplaced.  Each and every step,  each disappointment, each oopsy poopsy was known by my Father in heaven.  He saw fit to allow each member of my family and my chosen family to shape, mold, chisel and sculpt the man you see before you today.

I am reminded of a song I used to sing when I was a little boy.  “He’s still working on me.  To make me what I ought to be.  It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.  How loving and patient He must be.  He’s still working on ME.”  I most definitely have not arrived my friends.  Some days, I hand out more apologies than accolades.  Yet, as I sit here, in the wonderful space of Big Fish Ministry that my Father God provided to me as a refuge, I hear him whisper nightly to  “You are My son.  You are loved more than you know.  You are cared for.  You are my precious child.  You have not been forgotten.  And you will always be MY CHOSEN FAMILY.  Love, Dad"

The World's Cra-Z

As I “pick up the pen” today, it’s like I am writing for the first time. As if waking from a coma in a world unrecognizable from the one I left behind. The gay community has celebrated many victories over the last few years. Victories that have ushered forth a palpable silence into our churches and a fear of non-compliance should anyone disagree with gay philosophies. As many gay people burst ceremoniously from the closet, those of us who choose to live for God and not our sexuality are forced back into a dark, cramped closet of the world’s design. My story is not so different from the people celebrating their gay lives these days. Our paths diverged where I exchanged my broken sexual identity for an identity in Jesus. I never dreamed that life would be this hard. This…lonely. Jesus told His followers that the world would hate us as they hated Him. That scripture was never on any of my memorization lists. If we are honest, persecution should be an expected part of the Christian walk; a fact that never makes it to the final draft of the Easter brochure. The world indulges daily at Satan’s banquet table. We carry around the message of Jesus in our hearts and lives. 2 Corinthians 2:16 says that “To those who are perishing, we are a dreadful smell of death and doom. But to those who are being saved, we are a life-giving perfume.” Hanging out with fellow Christians helps me get through the times when God leads me to engage the world.   

When you choose the wide path, following wherever your feelings lead and go with the flow, you make virtually no waves. When you choose to swim upstream and live a life led by God’s word, be prepared for a satanic, spiritual tsunami around every corner. It’s often difficult to be a Christian in today’s world; but, I also get to add to my resume that Jesus Christ called me to walk away from my gay life. (Cue the wind and torrential rain!) I started this blogsite at the behest of the Holy Spirit. He told me to write a blog from the perspective of a low down, dirty sinner who Jesus made a saint by His grace, but still struggles with real issues. Talk about being a real person, with real issues who lives in a fallen world. I have ruffled a lot of church people’s feathers with this blog. Some have labelled me ‘edgy’ and ‘provocative’. Others have tried to silence me. I told my friend Patty that people can’t handle the way I share my life openly with gut level honesty. I have very few secrets. I try to live openly and honestly before God and people. She reminded me that honest testimony changes lives. I needed to hear that. It gets tiring being a lone voice bringing the truth on sexual issues. 

Ten years ago I lived a double life where I kept my ex-gay community and my work community separated. It was reminiscent of 20+ years ago, when I was living a double life as a gay man. It was exhausting. Both scenarios were constructed out of fear. I woke up today, fed up and a little pissed off that I have let fear creep in again. With all the triumphs that the gay community has achieved, I feel a little Davidic in light of their Goliath influence on the world. Churches that used to preach the Word have now set the gospel aside to tout a religion of “love”, “tolerance” and acceptance of sexual immorality. Scriptures that once taught the sanctity of marriage, are being reinterpreted according to the emotions of men rather than God’s divine plan.     

I find that people treat our ministry a bit like Terminix. They don’t want to call us. They wait until things are at their worst. Then they call last minute and only want us around long enough to “treat the problem”; then, we are relegated back to the perimeter of their lives. It is one of the loneliest, most forgotten, often despised ministries on the planet, because the impoverished are walking amongst us as skeletons disguised as the elite and celebrated. I find it especially difficult when trapped between the church who expects perfection from former gays and the gay community who lies in wait, ready to pounce if we trip in our humanity. Jesus is the only reason I keep hanging on. Jesus is my hope. The world is my judge. When I struggle with the temptation to look at gay porn (because that is one of many temptations in my life, even though I am not gay), Jesus gives me strength to pray as He did, “Not my will be done, but Yours Lord.” When people fail me, Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.        

Another interesting tidbit. In this Cramazing world we live in, someone is always fighting for control. Since the beginning, it has always been about control. Control, like crack, kills. When it comes to the topic of homosexuality, the church used to control the argument with guilt, judgment and loud voices. Fast forward. The church has lost its voice in the world and most of its control. The gay agenda stands at the wheel, steering the ship fueled by fear and shame heaped on all who disagree, exacting control through a system of one-way tolerance and double standards. When you dig deep though, you see that the gay agenda is leading much the same way that churches did. It’s as if they learned how to “lead” through observation and, though they loathed and feared the church, the gay agenda became just like them; drowning all in their wake.    

As I pull myself from the wreckage created by the collision of the church and the gay agenda, I dust myself off and refuse to live one more day allowing fear of either to dictate any aspect of my life. The bible calls for us to be bold and courageous and to fear not. Jesus calls us to go into all the world and preach the gospel. I have a message deep in my bones that if not released will take me to the grave. I will celebrate 18 years away from my gay life this December. God helped me leave that life behind. He can help you do the same. God wanted me to leave that life behind. He didn’t offer it as a gift upon my birth, he cursed it as sin at the fall of man. I refuse to make a pact with the enemy regarding my sexuality. I decided to listen to the Holy Spirit when it came to my homosexual attractions and temptations.   

Church people and pastors, listen up. How long will you remain silent on this issue? How much longer will you refuse to preach freedom for homosexuals from the pulpit. I beg you to end your silence, not to resurrect condemnation for the gay community, but so that you preach life to men like me who sit in your congregation, alone and afraid. Remaining silent makes you liable for our lives as we struggle on endlessly and alone. The world has made a brash, bold, overarching statement when it comes to sexual sin. When will you end your silence and allow life to flow in the desert of our dysfunction?    

Run Like You Mean It

It’s January in Florida.  Similar to Hillary Clinton’s political stances on, well, everything that statement is fluid.  The weather could be balmy and hot, enviable to all our northern neighbors.  January in Florida means that Mother Nature displays more personalities than the Housewives of New Jersey.  Thunderstorms. Heat waves.  Arctic blasts.  Come to think of it, there is only one thing that is consistent in January in Florida, the Disney Marathon.

Unless there is lightning.  Lightning forces people to hide under rocks with some even threatening to move to Canada to avoid the impending doom.  Wait that was something else…anyway.  Around this time of year, I sign up to volunteer at the Disney Marathon and my friend Kim Bennett signs up to run.  Kim runs almost 50 miles in what Disney has nicknamed the “Dopey Challenge”.  A 5K, 10K, half marathon and full marathon run back to back, over four days.  It’s the one time all year we get real “Face-time”.

I watch Kim’s life on Facebook throughout the year.  Not with the same intent that some of you watch your exes, but rather to see what my friend and her family’s latest adventure.   Kim is what many would call an elite runner.  She’s focused.  She trains.  Running isn’t a hobby for Kim, it’s a lifestyle.

I met Kim when I worked at Sea World.  She and I got into a little trouble together, because every time management would cook up a big, thick, steaming bowl of horse puckey, Kim and I would stand up and ask them to take the first taste, before they served it up to the employees.  There was one thing about Kim that I never really respected or understood back in the day.  When the “lunch bell” rang, every dang one of us were focused on eating, except Kim.  She’d go to the locker room, slip on her workout clothes, a pair of sneakers and a headset.  She would then proceed to run the back road at Sea World for 30 minutes of her lunch.  Hell, it took me 30 minutes just to get my food from the cafeteria.  When we would go off property, we would always invite Kim.  More often than not, she would politely decline, in lieu of her normal routine.  I’ll be honest, I thought it was silly.  I could never imagine running unless being chased by a bear, but Kim was dedicated to her sport, and she let no one’s opinion or influence stand in her way.

All these many years later, I see that Kim and I have two very different outcomes to show for the things we focused on.  Kim continues to run almost 12 years after we met and I still take about 30 minutes to order from the menu.  Kim set her eyes on the horizon not the road under her feet.  She set moderate goals that eventually led her to achieve monumental accomplishments.  It’s a principle we could all apply to our everyday lives and our spiritual walk.

Kim’s husband Tom is a writer.  He’s one of the first, All-American, straight, firefighter guys who actively engages the creative side of his brain.  If you were to look at them on the street, you would see just an average, everyday couple who love each other, life and their son.  But if you were to look deeper, ask some in depth questions, you would unpack a richness and zest for life you wouldn’t get from a cursory glance.

Now you might think that from hearing me gush about Kim that we are the best friends ever and I meet her and Tom every Monday for dinner.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, at one point, when I was new to the dolphin show, I tried to kill Kim and her unborn child during a dolphin show.  She was in the water near the glass, I didn’t see her and I sent a dolphin on a fast swim around the perimeter of the pool.  The dolphin came within inches of taking her out.  I was devastated, frustrated with myself and speechless.  Kim made sure to let me know that she wasn’t happy with my actions, but she didn’t hold a grudge for too long.  We eventually got to place where we were fine and I learned a lot from her.  I would consider her a good friend.  We have a shared history and a mutual respect for one another.  She shares my moderate disdain for dumb people and my witty sense of humor

The Disney Marathon starts at 6 AM tomorrow.  As I was preparing every stitch of winter gear to battle the current arctic blast, I received a text message from Kim.  “Hope Disney is providing you with winter coats tomorrow.”  At 330 AM I leave for Disney World to hand out “ice pops”, normally cups of water, to marathoners at mile 23.1.  Another friend came to Florida to volunteer for the race, but canceled his shift yesterday.  His tolerance for being outside drops in conjunction with the falling mercury.  I didn’t judge my friend, but I was disappointed he wasn’t coming.  I thought to myself, if these runners can run 26.2 miles in the cold, surely I can brave the weather and hand out water, bundled up like Ralphie’s little brother Randy from “A Christmas Story”.

My friend had signed up because I asked him to.  He didn’t really have any level of commitment other than it sounded like something fun to do.  Kim on the other hand, had practiced for moments like this from the moment she slipped on that first, snug fitting Nike and hit the open road.  Two people.  Two perspectives.  Two different levels of commitment.  Let me share the rest of my text message from Kim.

“See you at 23.1.  I’ll be the one freezing.”  To my one friend, the frigid temperature was a deal breaker.  To Kim, the cold was simply one more obstacle on the way to to the finish line.  Not for a second had thought she thought of canceling.  Kim didn’t make a decision based on her comfort.  She made a decision based on her goals.  Kim’s drive has so many spiritual parallels.

If comfort is our goal, then the enemy will take every opportunity to steer us off course with disaster.  However, if living for Jesus is the goal, then everything the enemy throws in our path will simply be obstacles on the way to God.

What is it that has your spiritual walk sidelined right now?  What stands in between you and not only Jesus, but living your life to the fullest.  Jesus says in the bible that He wants us to experience life and life more abundantly.  Are we doing that?  As I told you, I thought Kim was silly to run, day after day, month after month.  What I realize now is that she wasn’t simply running, she was building a legacy; brick by brick.

The disciples must have viewed Jesus much like I viewed Kim.  They thought Him silly to have worked so hard and ended up on the cross anyway.  To them, the pain and discomfort of the cross prevented them from seeing the bigger picture.  Ultimately Jesus knew that the cross was never meant to be the end of His life.  Jesus knew, it was just the beginning.

Jesus: Light in the Fog

Technically, I should be sleeping.  No one told my brain.  A few days ago, I did the typical end of the year cleaning which fostered a mess of emotional excavation.  Ricky Lee.  The name of a person you have never met.  He wasn’t a rock star, or a politician or anyone particularly important.  He was, however, one of my best friends.

Ricky’s mom and my mom were best friends.  My mom didn’t have a lot of friends in our small town, but she and Linda were close.  Ricky was born a few months before me.  We were atypical boys.  Ricky’s mom dabbled in hair dressing and as a result, Ricky dabbled as well.  More at home playing with “girly” things than “boy” things, Ricky was teased by the other boys.  I hung out with Ricky when our mom’s would get together.  I didn’t mind the stuff that Ricky liked, because I wasn’t really into the stuff other boys liked either.

Our father’s couldn’t have been more different.  Mine was uber religious and Ricky’s was bit more worldly; rough and tumbled.  It didn’t matter.  Neither one of us were particularly close to our fathers.  We skied through our early lives, using our mother’s apron strings to propel us along.  Our brothers hung out as well.  Buddy was my brother and Billy was Ricky’s.  There was 5-6 years between us and brothers.  They didn’t share our delicate nature and normal everyday guys.  If either of our mom’s ever agreed to let our brother’s babysit us, the result was often catastrophic.  A black eye here, multiple bruises there and on one occasion, I had to remove a dart from the soft tissue of my wrist.

I am not sure what would have come of our friendship if Ricky had made it past the age of seven.  Ultimately, it was contemplation I would not have to give any oxygen.  On Halloween of 1978, my friend Ricky was struck and killed by a car while trick or treating.  Our small town was paralyzed with the news.  You see, in a town of around 1500, everyone knows everyone.  So everyone knew Ricky, his mom, brother and dad.  Everyone knew his family and his relatives.  No matter how many rules and regulations could be enacted after that night about Halloween, it wouldn’t bring Ricky back.  Something in everyone’s spirit was broken that day.  It was my first introduction to death.  A concept I wouldn’t fully understand again, until my cousin’s mom died of cancer many years later.

At the age of 7 myself, I remember feeling sad for a few days, but as with any seven-year-old mind, life goes on.  On the stage of my life nothing seemed to change.  However, it was craziness going on behind the scenes that would change my life forever.  My brother would be sexually molested by a man in our town, a story I wouldn’t hear until well into my 30’s.  And another little boy, in another city named Aaron went missing and my mother went into panic mode.  From that moment on, my life was on lock down.  I know that my mother and father were doing everything they could to protect me the harsh realities of the world, but in the process, I was secreted away and locked in a glass coffin as the world went on around me.

There would be other events in my life that no amount of parental supervision would protect me from.  I was exposed to pornography at age 6.  I was sexually molested by boys closest to me in age.  I was teased mercilessly, by those who didn’t have a window into my past, but only a view of the wretched canvas, satan’s tricks had painted in my life.

I have spent the last 18 years sorting through the rubble of a wrecked life.  Emotional Time Traveler has been the longest running accomplishment on my life’s, ever changing resume.  I’ve dealt with bullies on either side of the gay issue: gay and straight.  I have been attacked by those in the church and those in the gay community.  It seems that no matter how God calls me to live my life, someone is always in disagreement with me.  In some respects, at the age of 45, having gone over every aspect of my life with a microscope, I have to say I am numb to the banter of idiots who haven’t lived my life, telling me what is good for me.  Some say I was “born this way”.  Some say there is no hope of redemption.  Some say nothing.  Most hurtful, are those who know the truth of the bible on homosexuality and my story of redemption from it, and decide that being gay is just simply a part of God’s design.  God will never sign off on sexual lives contradictory to His Word and design for marriage.  

More than ever before, it’s time I stop listening to the cacophony of voices shouting all manner of lies.  Cowards whose strength and courage emanate from the far side of a keyboard, rather than in face to face conversation.

Despite all the horrendous things that happened to me.  I needn’t delve further into the raw hand I have been dealt in this life, because at the end of each and every trial that I survived, it wasn’t because of anything I could have handled on my own.  I didn’t rise up from the ashes, as many in our world do, each time shouting a new meaningless verbal diatribe that will get me through to my next endeavor.  I made it through the hard times, because as sure as there is a satan that brought on the attacks, there is a God in the sky who brings about the victory.  Jesus Christ was the only reason I survived the teasing, the bullying and the constant emotional and physical bombardment of my mom’s bi-polar rants from my birth to her death.

Well meaning Christians can tell you all manner of things when you worry or have fear.  And they do. Anyone can stand at a safe distance and throw a thimble of watered down scripture on life consumed by the raging fires of fear and worry and feel accomplished, while doing absolutely no good.  It takes real people who have experienced the redeeming power and friendship of Jesus Christ to walk with a brother in the throws of devastation.

Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  As I contemplated the last year; really the last few months, I stand firm on my faith that no matter how hard life gets, Jesus always had it harder.  Jesus didn’t cause my pain and suffering.  Jesus did use it to shape the man I am today.  Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life.  He is the only reason I left my gay life so many years ago and the only reason I stay away to this day.  Jesus is the friend with the answers when I’m staring endlessly at the cell phone wondering who will think I am the least craziest.  I haven’t been as faithful as I should have these last few months.  Maybe you haven’t either, but I was reminded by a small voice tonight that God’s grace has no expiration date.

Dissecting the Bible to (OUR) Death

A lovely friend of mine in Denmark sent me a posting of another well meaning pastor who says he's done his own research and came up with the idea that homosexuality in it's monogamous form is well, okay, in he and his wife's eyes.  I thought, well that's great and all, but God still has the same plan for men and women that he had back in Genesis.  So...even if you have decided the plan is negotiable for you, there is no real need for revision.  It's a good plan.  A great plan.  

I always find it interesting when married Christian couples who compassionately reach out to the gay community, encourage them to settle for a sanitized sinful life rather than to believe God for what they themselves have; biblical, God designed marriage between a man and a woman.  Anyway.  I wrote a response to this pastor.  I was calm and level headed.  I didn't say anything I'll need to write and apologize about tomorrow.  The scary part is that this pastor is not the first and he won't be the last Christian who is side stepping scripture on this one particular sin.  It would seem that although homosexuality is listed among many sins in the bible, it has a great public relations team.  There are those whose job it is to tirelessly work daily to singled out homosexuality , polish it up and strategically infiltrate churches and culture to get their poisoned apple beliefs in front of anyone willing to take a bite. My response.

"I came across this post from a friend of mine. I left homosexuality in 1999. God led me out. My story is not welcome in the LGBTQ community. I have received almost zero of the tolerance they demand from the rest of the world. For 17 years now I've stood firm on the word of God that showed me homosexuality is a sin and not in God's plan for his people. I'm saddened that so many in the church are changing their views on scripture or worse yet changing and reinterpretting scripture to condone sin. While those folks may be firm in their faith, their twisting of scripture is leading others in the opposite direction of the gospel and eternal life. We are to be Christians with no modifiers in front of that name or otherwise we are mixing the Spirit of God with the ideals of our flesh. I walked out of homosexuality by the grace and leading of God. Scripture and truth set me free. What modern day scholars are doing to the word in the bane of homosexuality is appalling. You can make any text say what you want if you dissect it to pieces and look at scripture verse by verse rather than holistically. God is not an unprepared God my friend. If same sex marriage was in his plan from the beginning, surely he would have laid a foundation for it as he laid for heterosexual marriage. So many folks looking to legitimize homosexual sin read the bible and see what is not there as a means to prove their arguments. We need to be looking at the bible and living by what is there rather than looking for loopholes. God listed Homosexuality among others sins over and over. You don't see anyone out on a Public relations your for the other sins it's is written among. But we've let our that we've wronged people cause an over correction in our faith. Rather than apologizing and recovering scripture in love, we've back peddled, over corrected and exchanged the truth of God for a lie. LGBTQ may feel good in that moment, but unless they allow the truth of Jesus to change their life-threatening you've signed them up for an eternity separated from God. I urge you to contact those like me who have walked away from homosexuality. Sure there are those who have tried and say it didn't work. waking away from homosexuality and sin in general isn't something you try on for size, and return if it doesn't fit. Repentance is the practice of a lifetime. I still believe freedom from homosexuality is possible, but if the church has stopped adhering to the truth of the word, then maybe it's still not such a safe place after all. I run a ministry called Big Fish in Central Florida. I have dedicated my life to helping men and women walk out of homosexuality. God is still in the business of rescuing those trapped in sin, even when the church behind to place more value on someone emotions rather than the truth of scripture. There is a way to represent the truth about God designed sexuality for a man and a woman and love the LGBTQ community well. Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

If are interested in reading what the pastor wrote, here it is in detail.   I'll warn you.  It is long.  I feel like he could have said what he needed to say in three or four paragraphs.  It almost seems like he's trying to desperately find support for a topic that is biblically flawed.  Maybe he's trying to convince himself.

"Where I stand on LGBTQ…

----------------------------------

As you read this and consider responding, please also remember that this is not a private conversation between us. There are many who are reading this who do not hold your view on God, religion, politics, or your view on LGBTQ. Please be respectful and kind in your comments. There is a real human on the other end of every Facebook post and tweet that God loves just as much as He loves you.

While there have been many who have responded with personal attacks and unfair generalizations, I want to thank everyone who has privately and publically encouraged us (even those who disagree) with the love of Christ. You know our hearts. You know our commitment to God’s Word. You know our commitment to Jesus and to loving people. Thank you for fighting for the Kingdom. God is able. He is still in control.

---------------------------------

To be clear…

Jen and I are 100% on the same page regarding her recent interview about our love and hope for the LGBTQ community. This is a journey we have been on together. We both believe a same-sex marriage, as a life-long monogamous commitment, can be holy before God.

While this is not meant to be a complete and final explanation, let me share with you a little about our journey and how we got here:

The last 10 years of our ministry we’ve tried our best to learn what it means to “love mercy and seek justice”. In order to do this, we’ve learned we must first identify pain and suffering that we might normally miss. We’ve seen it among the poor, among the orphan, among those affected by unexplainable natural disasters, and among the sick. We’ve seen it in everyday people like you who have faced a personal crisis, experienced oppression, depression, racism, sexism, have loved ones dying, teenagers off the rails, marriages in shambles, and private struggles no one else knows about.

We’ve seen so much pain among the LGBTQ community: Suicidal teenagers. Divided families. Split churches. So. Much. Pain.

That said, Jen and I have attempted in the past several years simply to lead the church to a better posture towards the LGBTQ community. Although we held a traditional view at the time, we have always felt convicted to lead with a concern for those on the outside who might feel hopeless, more than we have with a concern for our inside critics.

Because of this, we have been consistently criticized, challenged, pressed, bullied, and pushed to make a clear stance on where we land on the topic. As the criticism grew louder, more demanding, and more confusing to those we partner with, serve with, represent, and love, we felt obligated to take a new and hard look inward to be able to explain our position with love.

In doing so, we realized that while we had heard sermons listing homosexuality as a clear sin, and we had read all the verses referenced, that we had personally neglected to do the hard work of faithfully studying the scriptures as we typically would.

So we committed to a season of study and prayer.

We started with scripture (Again, please assume a ton of prayer). For more than a year we studied every version of every verse in the Bible that appeared to discuss “homosexuality”. We studied the Greek. We studied the Hebrew. We read every commentary we could find related specifically to the related passages.

As we would for any topic seeking truth, we did our best to look at each verse with fresh eyes. We applied all the rules to faithfully and ethically interpret scripture: We considered the type of literature, the context in which each was written, what other scriptures say about it giving clues to God’s intent, and viewed each through the lens of the Gospel.

The historical view is that scripture is clear on homosexuality. What we found is that it’s not as simple as traditionally taught.

I have a journal completely full of notes where I can walk through each passage and reference that could explain our shift, but the most relevant and critical common thread we found in scripture was this:

Every verse in the Bible that is used to condemn a “homosexual” act is written in the context of rape, prostitution, idolatry, pederasty, military dominance, an affair, or adultery. It was always a destructive act. It was always a sin committed against a person. And each type of sexual interaction listed was an abuse of God’s gift of sex and completely against His dream for marriage to be a lifelong commitment of two individuals increasingly and completely giving themselves to one another as Christ did for the church.

But not one of these scriptures was written in the context of marriage or civil union (which simply did not exist at this time). Each act mentioned in the Bible was sin, no doubt. In context, we believe the same today. Just like heterosexual sex outside of marriage is sin for obvious reasons, whether consensual or not, we still believe homosexual sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Take heart, our shift is not a departure from our everlasting love, dependency, and belief in the authority and infallibility of scripture. In fact, this is the exact opposite to a departure. We’ve always believed that the Bible holds up. No matter our question, fear, concern, or confusion, we can press into the Bible and we will find the truth. It has held for thousand of years without blemish. Still does today.

In the same way, we then studied what the Bible says about marriage. Every verse. We studied what scripture describes as God’s original design, God’s gift of sex and procreation, and God’s intent for the relationship. We considered it through the lens of God’s redemptive plan from Genesis to Revelation. We viewed it as the most disciple-making relationship ever dreamed where two individuals learn to increasingly give themselves wholly to each other as Christ did the church. We dug deep into considering which of the Bible’s teaching on marriage was a description of whatever the current state of marriage was at the time each book was written and which of the Bible’s teaching was a prescription for how marriage should be.

Bottom line, we don’t believe a committed life-long monogamous same-sex marriage violates anything seen in scripture about God’s hopes for the marriage relationship.

The conversation about God’s dream for marriage is so incredibly nuanced. I’m not trying to define it in one quick post, There’s more to say about this, only to give you an insight to the many facets of our journey.

From there we began to prayerfully meet with people to discuss what we were learning. We engaged in hours of conversations with theologians, bishops, pastors, authors, and church leaders individually and through community on both sides of the argument.

While some people have certainly shifted their view of scripture, we’ve found that the majority of affirming Christians have not “abandoned” the Bible in order to shift their thinking, as many accuse. In fact, there are many brilliant theologians and authors like, David Gushee, who was known for decades as one of America’s leading evangelical ethicists, who have shifted their view on this after years of holding a traditional view.

We found that there are a ton of people asking questions privately, praying, and studying but are fearful to ask questions publically for fear of being judged or ostracized. So many of you are on this journey as well.

We read numerous books from both affirming and non-affirming authors (Specifically those who hold scripture as their starting point). Can You Be Gay and Christian by Michael Brown (Non-affirming), People to be Loved by Preston Sprinkle (Non-affirming), Space at the Table by Brad & Drew Harper (Non-affirming but sympathetic), Changing our Mind by David Gushee (Affirming), The Bible’s Yes to Same Sex Marriage by Mark Achtemeier (Affirming), Unclobber by Colby Martin (Affirming), among others. Every chapter in each book has pages underlined, was cross referenced, noted, and read over and over again.

We even studied some historical texts that give cultural context to scripture. We reviewed biological research and findings. We researched the claims behind the Kinsey Scale which gives insight to our sexuality (Which if you haven’t researched you should, It makes sense of why one person’s journey does not match another person’s journey or to speak authoritatively as a one-size fits all solution).

We did some heavy lifting. But we didn’t do it and I didn’t write this to try and change YOUR mind. That is the work of the Holy Spirit.

But I did write this to challenge each of you who have neglected the hard work of study, reading, discussion, and prayer to invite the Spirit to lead you. Don’t study to be right, study to find the truth. You have nothing to fear, trust that God will lead you. But wherever you land, don’t be ignorant and uninformed about it.

Being informed invites the Spirit to lead, reduces our defensiveness, and gives us the confidence to love better.

Listen, regardless of what we think, many of our churches are not safe places for LGBTQ. Every Sunday, people searching for hope and community sit in confusion, condemnation, private pain, and the fear of being singled out, publicly humiliated, and being rejected. The exact opposite of what we all hope for.

Regardless of where you stand or eventually land, our belief is that the church can do so much better in handling this conversation and that we can do so much better in how we treat one another along the way.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:34-35"

"Let Me Outta Here!"

Good morning from Dubai.  That's just a little to the right of Florida. Oh and by the way.  It's 5:13 am. I didn't just get up. I have been up since 2 am. It's not jet lag either. I purposefully set my alarm for 1:45 am.   I needed to get ready for a weekly phone call I make to two, amazing parents of a young man that struggling to navigate the waters of sexuality.  It is 6 pm on the east coast of the US. I love what I get to do.  I love that God lets me play a role in the restoration of families.  Even as every force in our ungodly world seeks to destroy or redefine the family, God still loves His original design.  Getting up at 2 am might seem like a huge inconvenience, but in light of eternity, it's a small sacrifice to be able to sow truth into someone's life.  The family I am chatting with love their son unconditionally and want God's best for his life. I have said it before and I will say it often, homosexuality is not God's best for our lives.  It is something I found myself settling for; when satan had me convinced that there was no way out and I falsely believed that God hated me.  Homosexuality is but a symptom of deeper, underlying issues.  I found that by getting ministry and healing for those underlying issues and my personal, sexual struggle begin to lose some of it's hold on my life.

I have been talking with these parents for a few months now.  God has revealed so many amazing things to all of us.  The Holy Spirit encouraged me to ask the parents to write down the good characteristics and qualities they see in their son: current and potential. The Holy Spirit also encouraged me to urge them to set up boundaries for their son, rather than to continually allow his brokenness to keep everyone in the house walking on eggshells.  In the weeks since doing these two simple tasks they have seen the words and qualities that they called forth in their son, begin to materialize. As my old Pastor, Joe would say, YAY GOD!!!  There are two scriptures I shared with them that demonstrates this principle.

Romans 4:17 As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.”  He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.

Genesis 1:2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.  3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

Even if we settle for making a comfortable place to lie down and rest in the midst of our sin, God sees us there and wants to speak like into our darkness.  The same way God spoke light into darkness and called something that didn't exist into being, is the same way He calls us out of sexual sin and brokenness.  Some churches have begun to speak out both sides of their mouth when it comes to the issue of biblical sexuality.  They say they are committed to the word of God, but then they turn around and rewrite and reinterpret it to make it say something about homosexuality that it doesn't say.  I can't be fooled or convinced by these new misguided revelations amongst the church community.  Why?   I wasn't just a tourist who once visited LGBTQ'ville.  I was a resident for over a decade.  These new revelations are nothing more than compassionate men being more moved by the emotions and persuasion of people, than by the Spirit of the Living God and the truth of His word.

Everything I do and share in regards to homosexuality flies in the face of modern day culture, gay marriage and changing societal beliefs.  Have you noticed that in addition to entertaining you, almost every other TV show out there is bent on indoctrinating you into seeing homosexuality and heterosexuality as equal?  Homosexuality is still sin, but we needn't treat those affected by it as exiles.  We must also not give them free reign to change every aspect of our culture and education.  I believe that children should grow up having compassion for everyone, while still living out a life based on biblical standards.  We have to hold the gay community close, live out a standard of biblical truth and let the Holy Spirit lead and guide them towards Jesus.  If we say their sin is okay and lead them in our beliefs, then we have placed an obstacle before our brother or sister and they will stumble.  We will be held responsible for what we teach that is not in alignment with scripture.

As soon as I land back in Orlando, I will plug back into a battle for the souls of our friends lost and trapped in the LGBTQ community that wish to be free.  We just don't hear from them, because to question or doubt homosexuality amongst the ranks of the LGBTQ is akin to mentioning that you are a Trump supporter.  It is met with a lack of intolerance that they fight vehemently against, but actively exercise when it's convenient for their cause.

For those who support me financially, thank you for allowing me this time away to rest and travel to Dubai and Kazakhstan.  It is a time of replenishment and rest for my soul.  Thank supporters and friends for your financial and prayer support that lets me do this ministry that God has laid on my heart. You are the backbone of my ministry.  I appreciate you. The families I am able to help appreciate you. Yours are the voices I hear when the world speaks all manner of lies about me.

Freedom from the bondage and the lure of homosexuality is still possible. I am living proof. My friends in ministry are living proof.  Jesus is the answer we should all seek for our loved ones affected by homosexuality. It is only in His name that anything spiritual is ever accomplished in our lives.

 If you are a family member of someone who struggles with homosexuality, regardless of whether they want help or not, you owe it to yourself to become educated on ministries like mine.  There are several throughout the US and around the world.  There are books and resources out there that can help you cope and find the courage and hope to fight against the enemy who is at work in the lives of your sons and daughters.  It is never, too late to start fighting for your loved one.  I don't care if they have been in the gay life for 4 days for 40 years.  God is indeed a God of rescue missions and setting His creation free from all manner of bondage.  His word says that we have not, because we ask not.  Let's begin to be a people that ask and petition God for the release of the captives.  

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound."  - Isaiah 61:1

M.

Little Rainbow That Could

Do you ever feel completely lost in the world?  Like some outside source has pressed pause on your life, as the rest of the world races about.  I am in a Starbucks in Toronto.  From Toronto to Orlando, it appears that Rainbow flag manufacturers have been working overtime.  This part of Toronto is steeped in gay culture.  While some folks are completely at home in such a place, I'm a little apprehensive and to be honest, a little hopeless. There are Canadian, rainbow flags, bank advertisements, businesses and even governmental organizations all proclaiming alliance with the gay community by the simple juxtaposition of their logos with rainbow flags.  One ATM stop sported a rainbow bulls-eye painted on the sidewalk and bank building.  In order to get cash you had to stand in the center of the rainbow.  I thought, how prophetic, every human stands in the epicenter of rainbow-ic influence.  It is all around us.

Almost overnight, LGBT influence grew exponentially, after the mass shooting in Orlando.  The message of freedom from homosexuality that I preach, was shunned before, but most politely disagreed.  Now any word spoken in opposition to the LGBTQ ideology stands a good chance of facing outright, religious persecution.  When banks and businesses invest in promoting the gay agenda, they have power to negatively impact the lives of anyone who has an unfavorable opinion of the proliferation of gay influence.  Can you imagine the power or the persecution if a bank or business tried to use it’s influence to proclaim the name of Jesus?

What might have initially started out as a push for equal rights has now festered into an all out push for influence, dominance, and ultimately power in the marketplace.  Those influencing public opinion from gay circles aren't out to equalize culture.  They are out to become the dominate voice in all rhetoric regarding sex, sexuality and religion, stifling all dissenting opinions by whatever means necessary.

Toronto has been eye opening.  Yesterday in one part of the city there was a Jesus-fest and in another, people celebrating gay Pride.  Interestingly enough, a group of influential people in the city tried to stop the Jesus event, but many petitioned and Jesus won.  Imagine the backlash if Christian leaders had attempted to squelch the Pride event?

We are facing a time, not only in our country, but in the world where Christians need to be doing two things simultaneously.  We need to be on our knees in prayer for the lost, not just for those in the gay community, but the lost in general.  We must also continue to speak the name of Jesus and share our testimonies, despite the persecution.  Hebrews 13:6 says "...so that I may say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not fear what man can do to me."  Every human needs Jesus.  Not allah.  Not Buddha.  Not Love, Light and positive energy, for goodness sakes that sounds like a description for a new Microwave, anyway.  Just Jesus.  If we, as Christians presented a more approachable demeanor, maybe the lost would leave their false gods and flock to the voice of the One True God.

Not so many years ago, it was Christians proclaiming their faith in the public sector, while gay men and women celebrated quietly and cautiously in silence.  I should know.  I was one of those men, scared and afraid of Christians and suffering in silence.  Now, many Christians share their faith with great trepidation, as the world proclaims allegiance and alliance with the LGBT gods.  No person should cower in fear from another.  Neither should the gay community call the stifling of Christian beliefs, tolerance, when their actions are more indicative of a dictatorship.

Christians must bring Jesus to the world in an effective way.  The bible says that an effective, fervent prayer will accomplish much.  It’s presumptuous to expect the world to come find Jesus where we are.  Some of them have been to our churches and for whatever reason have left.  Those who haven't been to our churches base their opinions off conversations with unsatisfied, church customers.

Whatever the case, someone has got to swallow their pride and reach over the burgeoning wall that's been under construction for decades.  They may steeped in Pride, but we are seasoned with the Holy Spirit.  Greater is He is that is in us people, than he that is in the world.  Remember?  The word calls us to leave the 99 and search for the one.  Jesus says, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel.”  He never said, fight to prove you are right.

I think of the scripture in Ephesians 6:12 that says "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”  Satan is the enemy.  Humans are affected by the spiritual influences whether they believe in it or not.  We believe, so we know how to fight for the lost, even as they hate and disagree with us.  They are still beloved by God and so talented and gifted by God.

Even though I feel deep love and pity for my gay friends, I am troubled to see Orlando synonymous with the rainbow flag.  It is a Godly symbol that has been hijacked by the gay community and promotes oppression and rebellion, not freedom.  My heart aches as a banner of brokenness flies over Orlando.  Yet, I am reminded that the hurting and lost need our prayers, not resentment and cold shoulders.   My church and others have stepped up to embrace the needs of those affected by the tragedy.  A tragedy committed against a community I used to call home.  I am grateful that churches are placing value on individual lives.  I still have friends in the gay community.  I would mourn their loss if they were senselessly taken from this world.

Satan uses every angle to drive a wedge between God and the God’s creation.  He uses death and destruction.  He occasionally dabbles in emotional manipulation.  Ministry to the LGBTQ+ community will look different in Orlando going forward.  As a Christian man who walked away from the sin of homosexuality, I am called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.  That gospel calls people to repent of their sin, not tolerate it.  For sure I will offend with tales of my journey, though not my intention.  The gospel is offensive, because it points out our carnal nature and commands us to live better.  When Oprah says live better everyone cheers.  Let Jesus speak the same words and people start reaching for their stones.  Yet, the gospel can be preached with love and compassion more effectively than with anger and vengeance.

I believe that a time of persecution is coming for Christians in America who speak the truth in regards to all sin.  If they would begin to speak the truth rather than slink into silence.  God is our fortress in times of trouble.  The enemy of God seeks to destroy lives and attack anyone who lives according to the gospel of Christ.  God does not leave us hopeless and lost.  He sent Jesus as the answer to the question of our sin.  He also gave us commandments in his word.

“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land.” -2 Chronicles 7:14

My Heart. Pulse Shooting.

I’m currently in Anchorage, Alaska, 4 hours behind my home city of Orlando.  Orlando, a city whose every heartbeat centers around theme parks and attractions.  The world vacations here.  As the world looks on, tragedy breached our walls.  I woke this morning to texts of “Are you okay?” and “Have you heard the news?”.  I was transported back to the morning of the Oklahoma City Bombing.  I was awakened by a friend to tragic news from my home state.  This type of evil is not something you get used to.  It is a loss that steals your breath away and freezes your soul to the core.  I have been in ministry to the gay and ex-gay community, since I walked away from homosexuality in 1998.  After spending 1999 in Oklahoma I moved to Orlando in January of 2000.  I fell in love with Orlando.  Nothing closes for long.  There is something to do every moment of the day.  A year after I moved, American lives would change forever as terrorists stole away our national security and momentarily, our confidence to travel by air.  I worked for Sea World at the time and on 9/12 there were 400 people in the park.  It appeared that evil had won.  Orlando was quiet for a few months, as if holding our breath in anticipation of what was next.

Fast forward to these past few days.  As I texted one friend after another and found them safe, my heart quieted a bit.  The ominous weight of death plagued my heart for days.  This senseless, barbaric tragedy happened in my city, to my community.  Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Orlando.  There are young men and women in their 20’s and 30’s who entered eternity last night.  There are family’s deprived of brothers, sisters, uncles, fathers and daughters.  Someone’s little girl will never come home again.  Unspoken words will never be voiced.  That should cause each of us a moment of pause for prayer.  Now is the time to mourn for those who lost their lives, minister to the wounded and step alongside families experiencing loss.   If we can be the church to the LGBTQ+ community in Orlando, then evil will not triumph and we will be true servants of Jesus.

I have had the privilege of doing life together with a few gay men in Orlando.  I have witnessed their God-given gifts at work.  I have experienced their talents at theme parks and church services alike.  Like it or not, I have given guidance to young men about abusive boyfriends, breakups, divorce and suicidal thoughts.  I have hugged and held them when they were hurting and supplied them with furniture, food, time and tears.  In short, I have given them my heart.  One doesn’t have to agree with another's sexual orientation to share Jesus with a world in pain.  My years as a gay man, serve as a reference library as I minister Jesus to the LGBTQ+ community.

How much longer can we be Christians who worship God openly on Sunday, yet hide Him away for the rest of our week?  If we can meet a human need and we choose not to do so, the bible calls that sin.  You might find yourself asking, "Do I have a ministry?"  The answer is yes.  If you have a heart and a voice, you are equipped to minister to the victims of this heinous crime.  God tells us to go into all the world and preach the gospel.  Satan has brought the fight to our city.  He has taken loved ones and souls from us, who are dear to God.

20 years ago I could have easily been one of those young people in that club.   I grew up in a Christian home.  I knew all the right things to say and do.  I had also been hurt and wounded by the church and most, every man I encountered.  I didn't set out, looking to be sinful.  I was looking for a safe place to belong and be valued; to quiet the source of my raging pain.  I was running from demons inside my head.  The clubs were my safe places.  They still are to many men and women in the gay community today.    

Christian friends and family.  It’s not time to picket and criticize.  It is time to pray that Jesus would reach your gay friend or loved one them with the message of eternal life.  Find out the name of every club in your city, gay or straight, and commit to pray over them.  Google the club addresses, get in your car and commit an act of drive by praying.  Some people go clubbing for a night of partying, but for some in the gay community the bar is their church, social club, home away from home and a refuge from the world.  Lest we forget how many safe places we retreated to before Jesus finally led us home.  Respond with grace.  Listen well.  Share the truth of the gospel.  Pray relentlessly for the lost souls.  They may not know what's at stake.  We do.

To my gay friends and their families.  I am deeply, sorry for your loss.  I may have physically left the gay community, but my heart remains for those who are alienated, rejected and wounded.   May God bless you and keep you safe.  I pray that you will experience the love of Christians around you and that each of you would experience the love of Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ loves you.  God loves you.  If you have been marginalized by the Christian community, I pray that the Holy Spirit would not only comfort you, but draw you to a loving church community.  I pray you would experience the true nature of God.  I pray against any enemy that would steal, kill and destroy further.  That each and every one of the remaining survivors would experience full recovery.  I praise God that so many people were able to escape the club safely.  May God guide the hand of the doctors working to save lives.  May you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit as we begin to heal as a city.  I pray all this in the name of Jesus.