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A Heart For God

I was thinking about a particular portion of my life way back when and this story came to mind. I felt like God was telling me to post this story tonight in order to inform both Christians and men trapped in homosexuality who may be Christian or are simply lost. When I was running from God and pursuing the gay life that I thought I had been born into, there were moments, pockets of freedom I guess you could call them when my heart longed to do the right thing. My longest relationship lasted about a year. The only reason is lasted that long was because I couldn't break it off because I didn't want to be alone. And also because I wanted to prove to all the Christians that gay relationships lasted. My boyfriend and I had been dating for the better part of 6 months. We were discussing a commitment ceremony, because we were truly in love with one another. I think I just felt the Christians who have never struggled with deep sexual sin cringe. I am not saying that it was a love that God ordained, but if two people care about one another, regardless if their sexes are aligned with scripture, it is a love that is palpable, endearing, sustaining and real. Open your minds people. Anyway. It was love at first sight for me. He was gorgeous and I was single, alone and horny at the time. I never got to the point of discussing religion with him. Besides it had been my experience up until that point that most gays, didn't want to talk about religion or the church, unless it was recount their own particular story of rejection "in the name of Jesus." So there we were 6 months down the road. In love, sexually active and ready to make a commitment to one another. In all honesty, I was more in love with the idea of being with someone and proving to the world that I was normal than I was in love with the guy I was with. I loved him. I just loved the part he played in my plan to normalize homosexuality to the world more.

I believed for the longest time that God had played a part in allowing me or creating me to be gay. I prayed every night in college for him to remove the feelings from my life and he never did. Night after night, prayer after prayer, the feelings always were there in the morning. Instead of building a life around God, I took his silence to mean that I was to build a life around gay. So I did.

Back to my story. So one day I sat my long time boyfriend down and told him that I wanted to be pure for my wedding ceremony with him. I wanted for us to be pure before God, because I was convinced that God had created me gay. I believed that the bible was wrong on the issue of homosexuality, because of the intense, homosexual feelings I had. I believed that if I lived a pure and noble life dedicated to God that when I stood before Christ all the Christians would have to eat there words, because I had been right. I even believed that God would have to let me into heaven, because I followed the word to the letter all except homosexuality. But I just knew he had created me that way. I wasn't prepared for what my boyfriend told me and did next. His response to me was that he was an Atheist and that he didn't believe in the God I did. He couldn't believe that I was sending money to people that hated us, when he found out I paid my tithes to the church I used to attend. He also told me that sex was way too important to him and he didn't want to give it up. He then broke up with me. WOW! Not the response I was expecting. I cried a lot. I needed him in my life. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he needed me too. The break up lasted all of a few hours and we were back together. He loved me enough to agree to my wishes, but he wanted to get married soon.

Off we went. We embarked on a sexless life together until we could stand before a God he didn't believe in and one that I believed in, but was deceived about and pledge our lives together. My resolve didn't last for long. He immediately asked for a compromise and we fell back into sexual behaviors other than sexual intercourse. Then one night, we fell sexually with one another. It was the beginning of the end. Though sex was pleasing to my body, my soul was locked in conflict. Why couldn't I have fought this? Why couldn't I stand strong? I realize now, it was because I was hybridizing the gospel of Christ with the “gospel” I had written to include my homosexuality. The bible can’t be compromised and have the strength and power of Christ. We either are followers of Christ or we are pagan lookalikes with no real power from God, but only the bondage of the enemy. When you sign a contract with the enemy, don’t expect him to let you leave with your life. He will take everything you have and do it even as you think you are the one in control of your life.

I invited my mom to the commitment ceremony in a letter. She then "accidentally" left the letter on the counter for my father to read. He made a trip 750 miles to share the gospel with me and my partner at the time. That is the kind of father I have. He spoke up for the truth even when he knew it was not going to be received well. And it was not received well at first. But out of that trip came some of the most honest conversation I had ever had with my dad about homosexuality and how it felt to me. I know he listened and was enlightened, but he never waivered from the truth. My dad is one of my heroes. He saved my life, because Christ saved his. If you are a parent and you are reading this. Don't fall prey to the voice of the masses telling you to accept your child's homosexual life. Pray, pray, pray. That is what my father did and he never accepted the curse of homosexuality in my life. He stayed on his knees before God, until I eventually fell to my knees before God. Stand strong parents. You are not haters and bigots. You are saints standing in the gap for your kids. God bless you. Be your child's hero, even when they treat you like the villain. But please, do it in love.

I tell you all this to say one thing. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean that they don’t have a love for the things of God. I was gay forever and a day and I always found ways to worship Christ in the ways I thought I could. I didn’t want to darken the door of a church, because I felt I would have been condemned, but I paid my tithes to my home church. I still prayed. I still journaled to God. I felt like I was a Christian, but I always felt that homosexuality was a block between me and God. I believe homosexuality is a sin. I believe if we incubate it in our lives as I did and live a gay life that flies in the face of scripture we stand a chance of losing out with God. I am not Jesus though, so you take that up with him. I did. He showed me that homosexuality was not in his plan for me or for you, but my way of communicating that was through my testimony and not with a bible shaped club.

A lot of people ask if you can be gay and be Christian. My firm belief is that if you live a life truly surrendered to Christ, your gay Christian beliefs will give way to submission to the truth of the word. If you live a life based on your sexuality and treat God as an addendum, then where you’ll spend eternity is as questionable as where I would have.

God is our ultimate judge my friends. We are to love one another regardless of the packaging. We are to pray for those who are lost. We are to come out of our houses and wash some feet and pat some backs and eat with those who are perishing in their sin. After all, someone once did the same for us.

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