"My Chosen Family"

When I was in my twenties Banana Republic came out with an ad campaign that, even for back then, pushed the envelope of societal norms.  The tagline of their three page photo spread was “My Chosen Family”.  Those words highlighted pictures of chiseled, male models holding hands with perky, yet elegant female models.  As one turned the page there were guys holding hands with guys and girls following in their same sex steps.  Those pages were life to my dead, lonely, closeted soul.  It was veritable buffet of emotional porn that the enemy used to entice and ensnare simultaneously.  They led me to believe I belonged somewhere. I don’t know if you are tired of hearing me pine on and on about what life was like back then, but frankly, I don’t care.  Today, in a world where modern technology prevents us from being alone on a toilet for more than two seconds, people are still love starved and desperate for meaningful connection.  People are still dying of interminable loneliness.  I was that kid.  I was that teenager.  And somedays I am still that adult.  A statement came to me last week that reverberated through the last 45 years of my life.

"I've never had a moment where I was alone, yet I've spent most of my life lonely."

As I hit the send button on each one of these blogs I feel like a scientist sending messages into outer space, waiting and wondering if I will get a response.  There are times I know that I am sending out a literary cure for loneliness.  Other times I know that I am letting someone know that Jesus has not forgotten them.  That God will never leave them, forget about them or leave them alone.  Then there are times that I feel this blog goes up like the Bat Signal performing multiple purposes using just one source of light.

I have been experiencing an awakening my friends.  Like the feeling generated when you feel the first gust of a fall breeze or see one tiny, unexpected snowflake delivered by the wind.  It has nothing to do with the physical seasons and everything to do with the spiritual season of my heart, my calling, God’s timing.

You may or may not know this, but I was born with a super sensitive heart; a blessing from God; a perceived weakness by some.  I have suffered great damage to my heart and that sensitivity at the hands of family and those close to me.  I couldn't choose my real family.  So when the idea that I could actually belong to a loving family, a family of my choosing came along, it tripped every sensor in the “YES, PLEASE” portion of my brain.

I have long since forgiven those closest to me for the atrocities, real and perceived, that were perpetrated on me.  Moving beyond the hurt feelings and the need for revenge prevented those who hurt me, from damaging me further.  On the other side of forgiveness though, I emerged a different man with responses and reactions that had nothing to do with who God created me to be and more to do with the broken man shaped by the world.  I spent the biggest part of my life wanting people to see me as smart, attractive, fun and accomplished.  And an even bigger part investing so much time in trying to look like I had finally ARRIVED that I quickly lost sight of the journey and the ever changing destinations.

This past week as hurricane Irma devastated island after island and eventually my home state, I was safely tucked away in Oklahoma visiting my father.  I was also blessed to connect with one of my oldest college friends.  We hadn’t seen each other in 13 years.  Our only knowledge of one another were the snippets of info and blurry pictures scattered across social media and the occasional search engine.  Sitting down with my oldest friend, I was confronted with just how much life has passed me by.  The passage of time revealed to me that neither one of us are the boisterous, boy crazy fools we were at Oklahoma State.  I realized that out of every other person in my life, Scotty knows me better than any human on the face of the planet.  That is partially because he has known me so long, but mostly because I decided long ago, he could be trusted and I let him in.

There are Sundays that I am feel like I am being more truthful than every other person in church.  I can spot BS from a mile away and smell it from 5.  I don’t make friends easily.  I don't trust easily either.  I feel like someone always has ulterior motives.  I imagine that most people as characters in a bad English spy movie.  I look for inconsistencies in their stories.  Every once in a while the Lord leads me to good people.  The Holy Spirit gives me the go ahead and I start a long and meaningful relationship.  satan is always stirring up the microscopic seeds of my past to spawn a fresh batch of sh...shtuff.  New people who remind us of people in our past, can often trigger old thought patterns, habits and responses.  I fight daily to maintain these new relationships with the newly elected members of “my chosen family”.

Different than the people in those Banana Republic ads, the chosen family of my life nowadays are 3 dimensional.  They have encountered sickness, heartache, divorce, rape and other atrocities.  Some of them have been crushed under the weight of it.  Their hearts may never love the same again.  But the God we serve is the same yesterday, today and forever.  The God we serve will always be by our side, and hold our hand even as He sees fit to allow us to walk through the fires of our everyday Hell.

I do my best to honor my father and mother as the scripture commands, but I will be damned if I will stay silent, keeping a lid on my pain and anguish, because those who have hurt me are now embarrassed by the truths that I share in the open.  It is often the victims who suffers fresh, daily death, even after the perpetrators have long since forgotten their crimes.

I wrote a piece of poetry once that dripped with crimson rivers of vengeance.  I would never physically harm anyone in real life, but I could murder my foes a thousand times over in my literary ramblings.  When I laid down my right to vengeance and asked God for forgiveness and to cleanse my heart from the harm I had wished on my enemies, my chains fell away.  For the first time, I could look long and hard into the lives of my tormentors and feel a compassion and an understanding for a life of familiar despair.

God is not my co-pilot as an 80’s bumpersticker once decreed.  God is my life support system.  Jesus tells me this, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."  I sit here in the 2am dark of my Florida living room, praising God not that I found Him or He found me, but instead praising Him because I was never misplaced.  Each and every step,  each disappointment, each oopsy poopsy was known by my Father in heaven.  He saw fit to allow each member of my family and my chosen family to shape, mold, chisel and sculpt the man you see before you today.

I am reminded of a song I used to sing when I was a little boy.  “He’s still working on me.  To make me what I ought to be.  It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.  How loving and patient He must be.  He’s still working on ME.”  I most definitely have not arrived my friends.  Some days, I hand out more apologies than accolades.  Yet, as I sit here, in the wonderful space of Big Fish Ministry that my Father God provided to me as a refuge, I hear him whisper nightly to  “You are My son.  You are loved more than you know.  You are cared for.  You are my precious child.  You have not been forgotten.  And you will always be MY CHOSEN FAMILY.  Love, Dad"

Little Rainbow That Could

Do you ever feel completely lost in the world?  Like some outside source has pressed pause on your life, as the rest of the world races about.  I am in a Starbucks in Toronto.  From Toronto to Orlando, it appears that Rainbow flag manufacturers have been working overtime.  This part of Toronto is steeped in gay culture.  While some folks are completely at home in such a place, I'm a little apprehensive and to be honest, a little hopeless. There are Canadian, rainbow flags, bank advertisements, businesses and even governmental organizations all proclaiming alliance with the gay community by the simple juxtaposition of their logos with rainbow flags.  One ATM stop sported a rainbow bulls-eye painted on the sidewalk and bank building.  In order to get cash you had to stand in the center of the rainbow.  I thought, how prophetic, every human stands in the epicenter of rainbow-ic influence.  It is all around us.

Almost overnight, LGBT influence grew exponentially, after the mass shooting in Orlando.  The message of freedom from homosexuality that I preach, was shunned before, but most politely disagreed.  Now any word spoken in opposition to the LGBTQ ideology stands a good chance of facing outright, religious persecution.  When banks and businesses invest in promoting the gay agenda, they have power to negatively impact the lives of anyone who has an unfavorable opinion of the proliferation of gay influence.  Can you imagine the power or the persecution if a bank or business tried to use it’s influence to proclaim the name of Jesus?

What might have initially started out as a push for equal rights has now festered into an all out push for influence, dominance, and ultimately power in the marketplace.  Those influencing public opinion from gay circles aren't out to equalize culture.  They are out to become the dominate voice in all rhetoric regarding sex, sexuality and religion, stifling all dissenting opinions by whatever means necessary.

Toronto has been eye opening.  Yesterday in one part of the city there was a Jesus-fest and in another, people celebrating gay Pride.  Interestingly enough, a group of influential people in the city tried to stop the Jesus event, but many petitioned and Jesus won.  Imagine the backlash if Christian leaders had attempted to squelch the Pride event?

We are facing a time, not only in our country, but in the world where Christians need to be doing two things simultaneously.  We need to be on our knees in prayer for the lost, not just for those in the gay community, but the lost in general.  We must also continue to speak the name of Jesus and share our testimonies, despite the persecution.  Hebrews 13:6 says "...so that I may say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not fear what man can do to me."  Every human needs Jesus.  Not allah.  Not Buddha.  Not Love, Light and positive energy, for goodness sakes that sounds like a description for a new Microwave, anyway.  Just Jesus.  If we, as Christians presented a more approachable demeanor, maybe the lost would leave their false gods and flock to the voice of the One True God.

Not so many years ago, it was Christians proclaiming their faith in the public sector, while gay men and women celebrated quietly and cautiously in silence.  I should know.  I was one of those men, scared and afraid of Christians and suffering in silence.  Now, many Christians share their faith with great trepidation, as the world proclaims allegiance and alliance with the LGBT gods.  No person should cower in fear from another.  Neither should the gay community call the stifling of Christian beliefs, tolerance, when their actions are more indicative of a dictatorship.

Christians must bring Jesus to the world in an effective way.  The bible says that an effective, fervent prayer will accomplish much.  It’s presumptuous to expect the world to come find Jesus where we are.  Some of them have been to our churches and for whatever reason have left.  Those who haven't been to our churches base their opinions off conversations with unsatisfied, church customers.

Whatever the case, someone has got to swallow their pride and reach over the burgeoning wall that's been under construction for decades.  They may steeped in Pride, but we are seasoned with the Holy Spirit.  Greater is He is that is in us people, than he that is in the world.  Remember?  The word calls us to leave the 99 and search for the one.  Jesus says, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel.”  He never said, fight to prove you are right.

I think of the scripture in Ephesians 6:12 that says "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”  Satan is the enemy.  Humans are affected by the spiritual influences whether they believe in it or not.  We believe, so we know how to fight for the lost, even as they hate and disagree with us.  They are still beloved by God and so talented and gifted by God.

Even though I feel deep love and pity for my gay friends, I am troubled to see Orlando synonymous with the rainbow flag.  It is a Godly symbol that has been hijacked by the gay community and promotes oppression and rebellion, not freedom.  My heart aches as a banner of brokenness flies over Orlando.  Yet, I am reminded that the hurting and lost need our prayers, not resentment and cold shoulders.   My church and others have stepped up to embrace the needs of those affected by the tragedy.  A tragedy committed against a community I used to call home.  I am grateful that churches are placing value on individual lives.  I still have friends in the gay community.  I would mourn their loss if they were senselessly taken from this world.

Satan uses every angle to drive a wedge between God and the God’s creation.  He uses death and destruction.  He occasionally dabbles in emotional manipulation.  Ministry to the LGBTQ+ community will look different in Orlando going forward.  As a Christian man who walked away from the sin of homosexuality, I am called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.  That gospel calls people to repent of their sin, not tolerate it.  For sure I will offend with tales of my journey, though not my intention.  The gospel is offensive, because it points out our carnal nature and commands us to live better.  When Oprah says live better everyone cheers.  Let Jesus speak the same words and people start reaching for their stones.  Yet, the gospel can be preached with love and compassion more effectively than with anger and vengeance.

I believe that a time of persecution is coming for Christians in America who speak the truth in regards to all sin.  If they would begin to speak the truth rather than slink into silence.  God is our fortress in times of trouble.  The enemy of God seeks to destroy lives and attack anyone who lives according to the gospel of Christ.  God does not leave us hopeless and lost.  He sent Jesus as the answer to the question of our sin.  He also gave us commandments in his word.

“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land.” -2 Chronicles 7:14

My Heart. Pulse Shooting.

I’m currently in Anchorage, Alaska, 4 hours behind my home city of Orlando.  Orlando, a city whose every heartbeat centers around theme parks and attractions.  The world vacations here.  As the world looks on, tragedy breached our walls.  I woke this morning to texts of “Are you okay?” and “Have you heard the news?”.  I was transported back to the morning of the Oklahoma City Bombing.  I was awakened by a friend to tragic news from my home state.  This type of evil is not something you get used to.  It is a loss that steals your breath away and freezes your soul to the core.  I have been in ministry to the gay and ex-gay community, since I walked away from homosexuality in 1998.  After spending 1999 in Oklahoma I moved to Orlando in January of 2000.  I fell in love with Orlando.  Nothing closes for long.  There is something to do every moment of the day.  A year after I moved, American lives would change forever as terrorists stole away our national security and momentarily, our confidence to travel by air.  I worked for Sea World at the time and on 9/12 there were 400 people in the park.  It appeared that evil had won.  Orlando was quiet for a few months, as if holding our breath in anticipation of what was next.

Fast forward to these past few days.  As I texted one friend after another and found them safe, my heart quieted a bit.  The ominous weight of death plagued my heart for days.  This senseless, barbaric tragedy happened in my city, to my community.  Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Orlando.  There are young men and women in their 20’s and 30’s who entered eternity last night.  There are family’s deprived of brothers, sisters, uncles, fathers and daughters.  Someone’s little girl will never come home again.  Unspoken words will never be voiced.  That should cause each of us a moment of pause for prayer.  Now is the time to mourn for those who lost their lives, minister to the wounded and step alongside families experiencing loss.   If we can be the church to the LGBTQ+ community in Orlando, then evil will not triumph and we will be true servants of Jesus.

I have had the privilege of doing life together with a few gay men in Orlando.  I have witnessed their God-given gifts at work.  I have experienced their talents at theme parks and church services alike.  Like it or not, I have given guidance to young men about abusive boyfriends, breakups, divorce and suicidal thoughts.  I have hugged and held them when they were hurting and supplied them with furniture, food, time and tears.  In short, I have given them my heart.  One doesn’t have to agree with another's sexual orientation to share Jesus with a world in pain.  My years as a gay man, serve as a reference library as I minister Jesus to the LGBTQ+ community.

How much longer can we be Christians who worship God openly on Sunday, yet hide Him away for the rest of our week?  If we can meet a human need and we choose not to do so, the bible calls that sin.  You might find yourself asking, "Do I have a ministry?"  The answer is yes.  If you have a heart and a voice, you are equipped to minister to the victims of this heinous crime.  God tells us to go into all the world and preach the gospel.  Satan has brought the fight to our city.  He has taken loved ones and souls from us, who are dear to God.

20 years ago I could have easily been one of those young people in that club.   I grew up in a Christian home.  I knew all the right things to say and do.  I had also been hurt and wounded by the church and most, every man I encountered.  I didn't set out, looking to be sinful.  I was looking for a safe place to belong and be valued; to quiet the source of my raging pain.  I was running from demons inside my head.  The clubs were my safe places.  They still are to many men and women in the gay community today.    

Christian friends and family.  It’s not time to picket and criticize.  It is time to pray that Jesus would reach your gay friend or loved one them with the message of eternal life.  Find out the name of every club in your city, gay or straight, and commit to pray over them.  Google the club addresses, get in your car and commit an act of drive by praying.  Some people go clubbing for a night of partying, but for some in the gay community the bar is their church, social club, home away from home and a refuge from the world.  Lest we forget how many safe places we retreated to before Jesus finally led us home.  Respond with grace.  Listen well.  Share the truth of the gospel.  Pray relentlessly for the lost souls.  They may not know what's at stake.  We do.

To my gay friends and their families.  I am deeply, sorry for your loss.  I may have physically left the gay community, but my heart remains for those who are alienated, rejected and wounded.   May God bless you and keep you safe.  I pray that you will experience the love of Christians around you and that each of you would experience the love of Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ loves you.  God loves you.  If you have been marginalized by the Christian community, I pray that the Holy Spirit would not only comfort you, but draw you to a loving church community.  I pray you would experience the true nature of God.  I pray against any enemy that would steal, kill and destroy further.  That each and every one of the remaining survivors would experience full recovery.  I praise God that so many people were able to escape the club safely.  May God guide the hand of the doctors working to save lives.  May you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit as we begin to heal as a city.  I pray all this in the name of Jesus.  

Enough Already!

I haven't posted anything in months.  My apologies.  I still love Jesus.  I haven't decided to leave Christianity for the latest self honoring religious trend.  In all honesty, I was just kind of mentally exhausted.  I walked away from my gay life more than 17 years ago and instead of it getting easier to talk and share what God has done for me, the attacks and rhetoric of the "tolerant" left made it difficult to share.  There are so many opinions when it comes to my story of leaving homosexuality behind to follow God's true design for my life, and then there is the simple truth.  I wasn't born gay.  I thank God for that.  I was reminded tonight of a scripture in Psalm 139 that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  And that all God's works are wonderful.  That goes head to head with what I personally know and have experienced in gay culture and gay circles.  My gay life might have been pleasurable and fun for a time, but in the end it was anything, but wonderful. I had the distinct pleasure of praying with a father tonight whose son has been trying to slowly and steadily acclimate them to his gay life.  The most amazing thing about this father's journey with his son, was the fact that his love for his son was so evident.  The son can't see that homosexuality is not God's design for him, but with the leading of the Holy Spirit, the father sees it clearly.  It was my own father's prayers that awakened my soul to the calling of the Holy Spirit.  It was my father's constant battle in prayer that led me out of homosexuality and into the arms of Jesus.

I will never believe that myself or anyone was born gay.  I will forever believe that God's design for men who have been led down the path to homosexuality were indeed born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay.  So that brings me to the place of mental exhaustion.  There are times I forget that the fight is against powers and forces in the spirit realm and not against the people being manipulated by those forces here on earth.  No one likes to be called names or bullied or picked on.  And the gay community has gone to great lengths to end bullying in many venues, yet they employ those same skills to stifle  beliefs that conflict with theirs.  A few weeks ago I was verbally berated on our neighborhood Facebook page by a woman I had never met.

We posted our ministry name and our fundraising event on the page.  The lady took the time to look up our page and then post lie after lie after lie about Big Fish Ministry.  I sheltered the brunt of her rage silently for most of the day and then I shared it with some close friends.  The anger my friends felt for me felt good, because they know my story, my heart and they know the attack all too well.  We turned our anger into prayers for the woman.  Satan is the real enemy we are facing.  Not some internet bully.

In high school I faced down a bully that was twice my size and used words as lethal weapons that altered the course of my life for a time.  Now the only words that I choose to let alter the course of my life is the Word of God.  I have been verbally assaulted and had my character maligned more by men and women of the gay community, because of my testimony than I was ever assaulted when I was gay by straight people.  It's always interesting to me that the full initials of the gay community include a Q for "Questioning", but when you question the presence of homosexuality in your life like I did, and decide for God and against gay, the claws and insults come out.

This latest issue about transgender bathroom rights is less about transgender rights and more about altering the course of God's design and will for our gender.  Isn't it interesting that the very principles that God laid down in the book of Genesis regarding gender and marriage are the very things under attack today by satan.  The gay community is composed of men and women just like the "straight" community.  Satan works through people, places and things.  The gay community isn't the enemy, but they are being used by the enemy to alter God's design for man.

I find it interesting that the transgender community is more interested in having an entire nation honor their "rights", but show almost no concern for the implications that open restrooms are going to have on children.  At the end of the day, it isn't about gay, transgender or individual rights.  It's about the selfish nature of the human heart steeped in sin and in need of Jesus.  There is the mentality that "I want what I want when I want it and you had better not tell me No.  No one tells me No, because I have a right." If you tell me NO, you are a bigot, a hater.  You aren't a Christian, because God is love and if you aren't loving me by letting me have everything I want in life then you are wrong.

From having lived as a gay man for most of my life, I know the rampant immaturity of the gay community.  It is a vast network of men and women who have been hurt and rejected by the world and in some ways are working daily to make sure that those who have hurt them will never hurt them again.  The only problem with that is that "Hurt people, hurt people."  As the vast majority of gay men do, I grew up without a meaningful connection with my father.  I was blessed in that my father, though distant, was a Christian.  He loved me and reached out even when I was full of piss and vinegar toward him.  He prayed even when the life I was living gave him no hope.

So as it stands now, I am done being exhausted by the bullies in the gay community.  I am a voice for truth and hope for those men and women trapped in their gay lives by the one way, intolerant rhetoric of the gay agenda.  God has challenged me to set the captives free and proclaim freedom for those stuck in the prison walls.  Alan Chambers may have shuttered Exodus International, but the truth of God will not be silenced by any man regardless of how influential.  Change is still possible.  Freedom from homosexuality is still possible.  God is in the business of changing the hearts and lives of men.

The last time I posted a blog on this topic, I tried to boost it on Facebook.  The Facebook powers that be refused to allow me to boost it due to it's graphic nature.   I shouldn't be surprised.  Facebook is not a Christian based group.   Even talking to my friend in North Carolina who shared the truth of the Bathroom Legislation, I found out a truth that the liberal media blocked all of us from hearing.  I'm done with the censorship.  I'm done with the lies, slander and victimization myself and other "ex-gays" like me receive from groups that cry out "OFFENSE OFFENSE" whenever someone speaks that truth of God's word.  If those of us who know the truth refuse to stand up for it, regardless of the backlash, then we can't complain when everything goes to crap.

My name is Matthew Aaron Walker and in December of 1998, I walked away from a gay life with help of Jesus Christ.  He has the same legacy for you my friend.  Homosexuality is not God's design for your life.  There is a way out and His name is Jesus.

Back in the Pool

On the short commute to church, a song came on the radio that I really like. Considering that our local Christian station still plays "hits" from Amy Grant's first LP, it was quite odd.  I remember saying "I love this song" out loud and asked my friend to turn it up.  He misheard me and never changed the volume, so I tuned everything else out and focused on intently listening to the song.  To my surprise the music seemed to grow in volume.  Each word fell on my ears with greater clarity than before.  When the song ended, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.

He said that getting close to God is like what I had just done trying to hear to my song.  It wasn't about asking God to get louder thus drowning out the noise of my life.  It is about pressing in to hear God's voice at the level He is currently speaking, while letting the cacophony of life fade away.  I sat there dumbfounded.  In a split second, God had deposited a thought so simple, yet so profound into my life; press in to God and the cares of this world will fade away.

During church, our pastor's wife, Christine, got up to share an encouraging story.  Her story bore the same spiritual DNA as my God encounter in the car.  God was trying to teach me something.  I asked her to share her story, in writing.  Here is what she shared.

"As a Florida girl, a swimming pool and a sunny afternoon were the perfect combination most months out of the year.  I loved to swim! I loved the crazy activity of it: diving, cannonballs, Marco Polo with my brother.  I could be found with stickers on and baby oil to get a 'tattoo' from the sun on occasion.  But what I loved the most was putting on goggles and slipping down to the bottom of the shallow end of the pool, laying there for as long as I could hold my breath.   I would release air slowly so I could sink to the bottom and not struggle to stay down.  I could see the bright sun differently breaking through the clear water.  There were hardly any other noises and in the silence, the view was captivating to me.  That kind of 'full immersion' allowed a different viewpoint of the very, same sky I was under day after day.

Just over 3 years ago, we celebrated the birth of our third child, Eli, our bonus baby.  He is a blessing unexpected; a gift beyond our wildest dreams.  In the weeks following his birth, in the midst of sleepless nights, disconnection from church and friends, and the normal routine of life of connected with God through worship and the Word, a darkness crept into the vacancy and threatened to steal my joy, my song.

The song of my life is the testimony and love letter written on my heart by God himself.    It's chorus full of the remembrance of who God is and how real He has been and continues to be in my life. It is the testimony of Him: pursuing me, rescuing me, redeeming me and saving me.  It is the power of His presence to change and remold me over and over. To be more like Him, as I yield to His strong and gentle hands.  The more time that passed for me, "out of the pool" so to speak, of worship and relationship with God, the harder it was to remember my letter or sing my song.   In the quiet of the night during a middle of the night feeding, the Lord whispered to me,

"Get back in the pool"

Slip under the abundant waters of grace, mercy, presence, truth, and power

Sink to the bottom

Breathe out the cares, needs, questions and fears long enough to see and hear Him clearly again

And an amazing thing happened...

I found my song and began to sing it again."

Jesus: Expletive, Weapon or Freedom

About a month ago, I celebrated the 17th anniversary of the day I walked away from homosexuality.  There were no cakes, no banners or brightly colored, celebratory paraphenalia; only the amazing recollection of the day that Jesus became something more to me than a crass expression used by irreverently or the weaponized tool of manipulation used by religious zealots.  Jesus Christ.  What a powerful name!  Jesus' life and ministry was the fulfillment of many prophecies in the Old Testament. During those cold moments at the close of 1998 and the cessation of my sexual escapades, Jesus fulfilled one scripture for me above all else. Proverbs 18:24- "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." A friend that sticks closer than a brother.  I had lived a life virtually spitting in the face of Jesus, but at the end of my rebellion He was standing there saying "Welcome Back". Back to reality. Back to His will.  Back to life. The Walking Dead, though science fiction, was my reality for 2 decades.  I spent my life focused on getting beyond the difficult junk in order to get to the good stuff on the other side.  Good stuff was forever elusive.  Life had become a vast swamp and I wandered endlessly, pursuing an ever changing destination.   Conversely, the Old Testament account of Joseph speaks of thriving in difficulty.  Joseph was sold into slavery, stolen from his father and imprisoned on false charges. Yet he consistently gave glory and praise to God, rather than moping about.  He thrived, because he was surrendered to God.  It was said of Joseph in Genesis 41:38 "Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom is the Spirit of God?"  As I wandered through the desert of my dysfunction, I repeatedly said 'No Thanks God', blaming my misfortune on Him.  Joseph's peace in time of trouble was always something of an illusion to me.

As a young, gay man I wielded words like weapons.  I made sport of being angry, bitter and offensively witty.  In restrospect, it's clear those aren't Christlike attributes. But to my young, gay mind, tainted by the deceptive beliefs of:  "abandoned by God" and "hated by Christians", words were a source of survival.  So much of the scripture lately lends support to choosing Jesus over sin of any kind.  There are benefits to serving the One Master, Jesus, over the other master, our broken sexuality.

My father's effective and powerful prayers and growing up in a church bathed in scripture, are the two main reasons I was able to leave homosexuality and stay away.  In my own ministry, I have realized that I don't pray for people nearly as much as my father did for me.  God is not bringing young men to me so I can tell them to behave.  God is bringing men into my life who struggle so that I can reiterate the fact that Jesus is the answer to what ails them.  The Holy Spirit revisited that idea a few weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning.  "Just tell them about Jesus," he said.  It's always been about Jesus and will always be about Jesus.  There is no other name under heaven by which a man can be saved.   I pondered these thoughts yesterday, as I sat across the table from a young man who had just told me he was on the verge of making a huge decision.  He was deciding between living a life for God or going headlong into the gay life.  This was no easy decision for him.  And no easy confession.  I have been in this young man's life for a little over a year.  I've seen him victorious over sin one day and giving into it entirely the next.  Keep in mind.  He never came right out and said, I plan on screwing up my life forever by leaving my wife and family behind in order to live as who I truly am.  He is tormented by the decision, but he sees no other way.

As a Christian who struggles with homosexual desires I understand his pain.  What struck my heart the most was one of the reasons he said he was giving up and going into the gay life.  He said it would just make things easier.  To which I replied, "For whom?".  I read in scripture today about serving two masters.  While it is primarily used as a sermon on serving God or money, it speaks volumes to a principle I alluded to earlier; choosing one master to serve.  The bible says that no servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will loyal to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve God and mammon. -Luke 16:13.  As I chatted with my friend, I could indeed see the fork in the road where he was standing.  The road on the left was an easy, short journey through life followed by a tormented, infinite journey into hell.  The path on the right was narrow and winding, filled with hardship for a time filled with an eternity with a loving God.  My friend had spent the bulk of his life stuck between gay and God, taking on the feel good parts of Christianity and the exciting parts of his gay life, while never fully committing to either.  It was the proverbial life of living on the fence.  One which the New Testament describes God as saying, and I am paraphrasing, be hot or cold, because you will never amount to any good as a lukewarm, fence dweller; spiritual limbo if you will.

Conversations like this are frequent in "ex-gay" ministry.  After the death of Exodus International and the onslaught of government, approved gay marriage, many have lost sight of the truth of scripture.  Many have lost the will to fight.  While perusing Facebook last week I read a post that hit like a gut punch.  No it wasn't "Hillary 2016".   The post said simply, "Here is a picture of my beautiful wife."  Those words were uttered by a friend I used to attend church with and minister alongside.  That friend's name is Lisa.  Daily, I see the casualties of homosexual sin and desire.  I don't hate homosexual sin for all the preconceived Christian reasons.  I hate the idea that the people I know and love are surrendering themselves to a life where they will be chewed up, spit out and disrespected.  A world where Jesus is neither honored nor exalted.  At the end of the day though, they are subject to the laws of the land we chose to live in.  They may be submitting themselves willingly, but I know the realistic pull of sexual sin.  It sets in at an early age and steals away a person's youth and life experience.

I see now why my father spent so many nights on his knees in prayer before God.  His heart ached for the lost, as mine does now.  If you find yourself at the same crossroads as my friend, please reach out before you make a life altering decision.  If you have someone in your life who is about to succumb to the pressures of sexual desire and temptation, please don't stop praying for that person.  Though I have traveled to Alaska, Australia and beyond to share Jesus with whomever would listen, I found myself defeated in my own backyard.  For a moment I gave up on my friend.  The thought crossed my mind that I was so tired of losing friends to homosexuality. Later that night I repented for giving up so easily and prayed earnestly for the life of my friend and other sons and daughters.  I asked God to remind satan that he's been defeated.  I went to battle for lives that truly matter and souls with whom I want to spend an eternity in heaven.

Jesus was fully a man.  Jesus is fully God.  And where I get it wrong and build expectations and hurdles for people, He builds a bridge.  You can know Jesus today, too.  He doen't ask you to clean yourself up before you come to Him.  He simply invites you to come.  If you are struggling today at the crossroads, there is freedom from homosexuality, but most importantly, there is life in Jesus Christ.  I am living proof.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11  - 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed,you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

My Church, My Friend and Your Heart

So my friend James is a real God Save the Queen Brit. I worked with him at Sea World for 15 years. We were hired the same year. Over the years we had our share of knockdown, drag out, screaming matches. With his accent his arguing points always sound a bit more enlightened. Then in a few days, we’d both get our knickers unstuck and be on about the business of training animals. Though we had more than our fair share of misunderstandings, we also shared a great deal of laughter. I consider him one of the great takeaways of my Sea World career.   He frequently calls and shares a chat with me on his drive home. I always know James is about home, because Facetime shuts off and Siri quietly displays the words “poor connection”. On the odd occasion when I get to see James again, it’s always with a big hug and grateful heart. He’s one of the most amazing animal trainers you’d ever hope to meet. James also happens to be a carpenter, a barber, a dancer, a pilot, a doting father, and a loving husband to Marie. In the emotional makeup of my life, James is a lifer.   But we’ve experienced a few other “poor connections” over the years.

I remember that there were times James would ask me religious questions. There were times when he stated his opinion about the church. One particular occasion I was eating lunch. I had microwaved my food, sat down at the table and prayed over my meal. When I finished, James looked across the table and said, “Doesn’t He know that your food is getting cold?” I think he then gestured toward the sky. I explained that a 30 second prayer wouldn’t be long enough for my food to go cold. We both had a good laugh over that one.

On another occasion, James begin asking me about my church and what we did for the homeless, the community, etc.. He voiced his opinion that it should be the churches role to help everyone in need. Although I was in complete agreement, I think I went on the defensive for the whole of Christianity. I felt like the church can’t solely be expected to provide everything to everyone. I felt it leaves a wide margin of error for the church to “disappoint” and “disillusion” one more person regarding God.

I am reminded of this conversation with James, because Illuminate Church, my church, is the kind of giving church that James spoke about. Heck, our church even gives out bibles on Sunday if people don’t have one and need one. Our church serves the community and the schools in the community where we are located. We attend homeless food and clothing drives. My church donates a monthly stipend to the ministry that I direct as well. The men and women of Illuminate Church are the hands and feet of God that my friend James was speaking of that day.   Once a year, the women of the church gather together with their friends to collect a bazillion gift cards for a benevolence fund for the following year. One of the ladies at church heads up a coat and shoe drive for impoverished kids up North. When it comes to serving people, we have people chomping at the bit to help.

I have attended this church for the better part of 10 years. What I love the most about the church is that we have a pastor and a pastoral staff that preach the word of God straight from the bible.   You might think, “Don’t all churches do that?” The honest answer would be no. Some are more like bars and restaurants where they cater to what the patrons want. Our church is more like a hospital where the sick come to meet Jesus and those who have been healed or helped are rolling up their sleeves and pitching in to imitate Jesus and be about their Father’s business.

I found hope, healing and community among good Christian men as I was continuing my walk towards Jesus and away from homosexuality. If you have an opinion about church that has kept you away from church, like my friend James, set that aside this week and join us at Illuminate Church. The decision to attend a little church in Celebration, Florida long ago, eventually became a church I have called home for 10 years.

My church is more than just a building. It’s a family of people who make sure that new people don’t feel new very long. My church is a hug and fun fact from my friends Linda and Doug. It’s a word of advice and encouragement from Judy. A worship experience led by people who worship even when they aren’t on stage. We give, so that we can give back. It’s pastors who write their sermons from the bible not from the headlines. It’s a place where Jesus is mentioned frequently and the Holy Spirit is welcome.   If God has been speaking to about church, find ours or start your search for the one nearest to you. Don’t let your emotions cheat you out of what your heart really needs.

Beltway Meltdown

Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.

One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.

I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked.   The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.

Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.

The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.

God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.

People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.

After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.

No one...deserves my anger.

Vomit, Dancing and a 4 a.m. Wakeup Call

Ever so often I ask a friend to write a guest blog to share with my readers.  Here is a guest blog from a friend of mine named Samuel.  He writes a blog which you can read at www.BrotherBarr.wordpress.com.  Here is a little of Samuel's story and journey so far. I want to take you on a journey, hoping you will arrive at the same place of freedom I did. The journey isn’t pleasant, but it was what I needed to open my eyes and heart to my dire need for God and His saving grace. I wish I could say that it will be the last journey through darkness that I will ever take. Only God knows for sure. Nevertheless, I do know that going through the darkness with God is nowhere near as lonely and scary as it was going through it without Him. That was my life before I accepted Christ as my savior. It was definitely the loneliest and darkest time of my life.

This journey began 8 years after my salvation. I was living out the Proverbs 26:11 life once again, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” Doing the very things I did not want to do. Can you relate? Paul could. Romans 7:19 ”For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” I had recently returned from Georgia where I was a part of a ministry that helps people deal with hurts, habits and hang-ups. I was living a blessed, simple life of serving God and loving it. Unfortunately, I had already begun to backslide and reopen doors to the enemy. Hindsight always gives us 20/20 vision. If I had only drawn close to God and stayed authentically connected to healthy people, I could have saved myself, and my loved ones a lot of heartache and pain. Instead, I ran back to Florida.

I returned to Florida to care for my mother who was having some health issues. At least that is what it looked like to everyone else. I knew I was already running full steam away from God and His plan for my life. Reminds me of Jonah 1:3 “But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD.” My emphasis added. I have heard it put this way. When we choose to run from the Lord, the enemy will make sure we have transportation and it always cost us. My ship was my mom and the fare I paid was my peace and freedom. It wasn't long before I was dancing around the enemy's campfire, once again. Every demon that had been evicted returned with a vengeance, and brought buddies. Sound familiar? Luke 11:26 “Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.” Gratefully, it was only a year before God's mercy and grace brought me to repentance, yet again, but the damage was done: physical, financial, mental and spiritual damage as well. This was Spring of 2010.

Later that Spring my mom and I decided, for various reasons, to relocate from Tampa Bay to Ft. Myers. Most importantly were my brother and his family. They could offer some emotional support for my mother and I while I restarted the process of working on my issues. I also had a great church and recovery family, which I had established back in 2007 prior to moving to Georgia. There were so many blessings in moving to Ft. Myers, but it would be some time before I would begin to see them and accept them as God's grace and protection.

I was blind to the blessings for a few reasons. Some I was aware of while others were hidden and deeply rooted. One major reason was the hope that being Christian and gay was ok in God's eyes. The truth was that as long as I held on to this or anything that God had asked me to surrender, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I wasn’t living by His word. God is always faithful to His Word, every part of it. I am called to be faithful to every part, as well, even the parts I don't understand or agree with. Despite my disobedience He was patient and continued to love me. That is what He does. Deep in my heart I knew that being Christian and gay was not part of God's plan for my life. Ever have that feeling about a particular sin yet still try to rationalize it away? Have you truly ever searched your heart, or asked God to? Psalm 139:23-24a “Search me O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me.” If we are serious about living a life that is pleasing to God then we have to pray those exact words and mean it. I know I did.

God continued to speak to me regarding the junk I was holding on to. One night in 2010, before moving to Ft Myers, near the end of a relapse, we were visiting my brother. What you may not know about my relapses is that they involved addiction to Meth, a.k.a. the “devil’s drug”.   Coming down from a relapse means restoring order to the chaos of my destructive behaviors: insomnia and a diet of water and candy. The restoration involves multiple hours of sleeping with brief moments of waking and eating. Then quickly returning to sleep. I needed my sleep. I loved my sleep. So I knew that it was God that woke me up at 4 a.m. one morning and spoke these words to me, “Sam, you make so much of your struggle. I am not concerned as much about your struggle as I am about you.” It was a simple, yet profound statement.

It would take another 4 years before I would grasp the totality of that statement. If I could only focus on God as much as I was focusing on my sin, then God could do what He promised and I could begin to walk in His freedom. I had become so blinded by pride that the lies I believed became truth for me. If I could have only gotten my eyes off myself, my sin and the world and fixed them back on Jesus, I could have taken hold of the promises in His word.  The only thing that got my eyes off myself, was hitting rock bottom again and again. Have you hit your rock bottom yet?

In February 2014, I found myself hitting rock bottom a fourth time since relocating to Ft. Myers. It had been over a year since the last relapse. This time it was darker and deeper. I found myself living in my car, by my choice, eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking ginger ale. I walked away from a successful career, friends and family that loved me, a great apartment and many blessings. It is still hard for me to believe how blinded by lies I had become. All God was asking me to do was trust and surrender to His plan for my life. Looking back now, He wasn't asking that much. Why I thought for a minute that my way was better or that the world had something better to offer is beyond me. What lies do you still believe? Do you believe that your way is better than God's? Or that the world has something better to offer?

Thankfully, today, I find myself learning to live wholly surrendered. Trusting Him fully is still a daily struggle, but I am learning to do so moment-by-moment, struggle-by-struggle. I am doing my best to seek God first. I ask Him daily to guide me, to search my heart and help me see things from His perspective. Not only do I know, with my head, but I also believe, with my heart, that God has a plan for my life. I confidently believe that God is taking the chaos of my struggles, pains and hurts and using my gifts and talents to create a beautiful symphony of purpose.

Are you ready to begin your journey of freedom?

Conversations at the Diner

On our way to our friend Amy's house to celebrate Thanksgiving, we stopped by a diner I have been eyeing for awhile now. My friends eat way healthier than me. Well, except for Ethan. He believes that McDonald's forms the base of the food pyramid. Anyway, I convinced, aka begged, them to stop and have dinner. They relented and we stopped. We are a friendly bunch and can basically talk to anyone about anything. The sign at the front invited us to seat ourselves; so we did. Our first waitress was quickly displaced by a second, feistier one. The new waitress was 3 inches shorter than your average kindergartner. Upon asking what she recommended, her tiny fingers danced about the menu faster than Hillary Clinton can hit the delete button after checking a classified email. The guys decided on a few of her recommendations, but I broke rank, deciding instead to go with liver and onions and green beans. This selection produced a gnarly scowl from our waitresses once smiling face. She placed our orders, returned to the table and the witty banter ensued. At some point, she received a text from a very, needy 16 year-old boy that we were informed was just one of 10 potential suitors.

The laughing and joking subsided a bit when she commented to Ethan that he must have a lot of boyfriends. Say what? We all heard it, laughed nervously and chose to brush it aside, but later on she broached the subject again, this time with all of us. She asked if any of us had boyfriends. I quickly said, I hadn't had a boyfriend for 18 years, since I left homosexuality behind. The scowl returned to her face, this time accompanied by a brow so furrowed it would have stifled even Joyce Meyers' plastic surgeon. She asked Ethan and Samuel if they had left homosexuality, too.

At this point I produced a business card so she could research Big Fish Ministry a bit. Ethan also produced a card for Revelation 12:11, his ministry. She asked about the card. I told her it would take her to my blog. It might help answer the questions her scrunched up face said she might have. She asked a few more questions like: "Have you stopped liking boys?" and "Have you started liking girls yet?" I explained how homosexuality developed in my life and she mumbled something and flitted off, never to return. It wasn't our goal to rock her world, but we had triggered an emotional "earthquake" of epic proportion.

Never being one to let an interaction like this go, I began to analyze and dissect the interaction. Questions ran wild in my mind: "Did we freak her out?", "Why was she more interested in chatting when she thought we were gay?", "Why hasn't the world heard stories like ours?", "What do we need to do in order share our testimonies on broader scope?"

The truth is, testimonies like ours are uncomfortable and odd. Churches steer clear of letting us share for fear of offending people. Heck, even at Donald Miller's Storyline Conference I just attended, a gay pastor was allowed to share his coming out story. When I questioned the conference organizer if the narrative of my story would be welcome, all I received was silence. More often than not, when we try to share our testimonies they are met with resistance. The world has been conditioned to accept and protect sin rather than taught to recognize sin in it's many forms according to scripture.

Knowledgeable, compassionate Christians and devout Christian men and women who have walked away from homosexuality should be establishing the churches dialogue on sex and sexuality. Justin Lee and Matthew Vines, two prominent false prophets of the gay Christian movement, should be called to repent by the Christian church at large, rather than having their twisted versions of the bible accepted into mainstream church culture. Satan is working through these men. The same way that satan comes as an angel of light, these smooth talkers are weaving a web of deception leading many churches into a "reformation" movement that will ultimately destroy and split the church.

As I sat there in those moments after our waitress left, I knew a few things very clearly. The course of my life and that of other men and women who have left homosexuality behind, is not determined by our attractions, past or present. The course of our lives is determined daily by our sacrifice to Jesus Christ. Also the fact that we believe God's word as it relates to homosexual sin. We lead lives as attacked by the gay community as the gay community believes the church attacks them. After 17 years of saying Yes to God and no to my homosexual desires, I can honestly say that my life and times are very different than they were when I took those first few trepidatious steps out of homosexuality and into God's arms.

God spoke a promise over me many years ago.  It involved continually having one person after another say they felt like God wanted them to share Isaiah 61:1 with me. “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;” It was written as prophecy about Jesus and I am nowhere near Jesus status when it comes to this life. But, I know that God allowed all my hurts, hangups and struggles in life for such a time as this.

In the process of redeeming my life, God's Holy Spirit is working through me and He has anointed me to bring good news to those trapped in the same sin that held me captive for so many years. God has sent me to heal the brokenhearted with the good news and truth of the gospel to those who are willing to hear and contend with it. God has challenged me to proclaim freedom for those trapped in any kind of sinful pattern. He has given me authority to march into prisons of sexual sin everywhere that satan serves as warden, judge, jury and chief medical officer to release those bound up in the seductive poison of homosexual sin. I will live up to this calling and endure whatever persecution necessary to ensure that men who struggle with homosexuality hear the life giving word of the gospel.

This blog may not be popular with too many, but I choose to live according to my calling. Galatians 1:10 says “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.” Our greatest calling is to dispense grace and truth to those living without Jesus in equal measure. Our directives do not come from the vast, stifling, politically correct, worldly rhetoric of today's sin friendly culture, but from every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. The kind, deceptive pill of love the world serves will only prolong a person's agony until they die and enter eternity without God.  If it is presented boldly and compassionately, the gospel is the only tool that will forever change and save the hearts of mankind.

Gay Marriage, Krispy Kreme & Freddie Mercury

Hey guess what? Gay marriage is legal in the U.S.. In case you were wondering why every building, cupcake and gigantic Ferris wheel in America was bathed in Technicolor. I write a blog about my gay life, my Christian life and my journey thus far.   I am sure that a lot of my readers, all 6 of ‘em, have been waiting to see what I have to say. Rest assured. I always have something to say. I was at a loss for words once. Only once. It was a rainy night. I had been driving along, when suddenly, a brilliant, neon orange, illuminated sign proclaiming, “HOT NOW” beckoned to me. Rushing in to claim my free, Krispy Kreme donut, I was told that the free donut promotion had been…discontinued. I took a vow of silence and fashioned a black, Christian Dior, argyle dress sock into a makeshift armband, which I wore for 3 weeks.

Much like the animals I used to train at Sea World, I have learned a lot from the mistakes of my past. I have learned that my response to the Chick-fil-A scandal of a few years back was hasty; that my agreement with Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty was over exuberant. This time around, with such a hot topic as gay marriage poised and ready to make it’s way down the line, like one of my favorite, fried Krispy Kreme delicacies, I pause for a moment of prayer, reflection and careful thought. I envision a gay community with faces, hearts and souls, rather than the visage of a great, political monster that just pissed me off with “what he had said!”.

If have you have known me five minutes, you know that I lived as a gay man for 10 years. I had an encounter with Jesus. He led me to walk away from my gay life. My friend Sy said this of walking away from homosexuality. “I didn’t leave homosexuality, because I thought it was bad. I left homosexuality, because I found something better.”   That something better was Jesus.   This isn’t a blog about whether you can be gay and Christian. I won’t try to convince you of anything, but rather I would challenge you to go somewhere quiet, have a conversation with Jesus and give Him the chance to awaken your heart to the truth.

I grew up in the Assembly of God church. We shouted, sang and jumped around. Church services were similar to an Ozzy concert, except we were always angry if the devil showed up. I grew up perceiving that “homosexuals were an abomination” to God. Much like many of my gay contemporaries, I knew at a very young age that I felt different from other boys. In later years I was led to believe that meant I was gay. 30 years later, with tears pouring down my face I would read a very biblical, extremely compassionate document authored by the AOG General Counsel about homosexuality, circa 1979. I was 9 years old. A great and deep ache welled up within me. Questions flooded in. “Why was I just hearing about this now?” “Why hadn’t I been privy to the life giving words of this document when I needed it most?” “Where was this scripture when I was sustaining the emotional blows of the misinterpreted mantra of Leviticus 18:22?”   This document had the potential to save me from so many years of heartache and brokenness as a gay man, yet I had never heard of it until now.

I don’t believe that all the people in my church were bigoted A-holes, bent on the destruction of homosexuals. I believe that the real answer was tinged with fear, misunderstanding and ignorance brought about by the enemy of our soul; satan. To the gay community and the Christian community alike, I humbly say this. Satan is the true enemy: not the church or the gay community.

I have known my friend Justin for years. Justin is gay and he is one hell of an animal trainer. He has an incredible heart and a beautiful spirit. When Justin came into my life, he had been with his partner Anthony for 13+ years. What would you think my first assignment from God was concerning Justin? Tell him to repent for being gay? Share Jesus and my testimony with him? None of the above. God simply said, “Love him”. I did a pretty good job. I learned that when you are given the freedom to love someone, you are relieved of the duty of having to “fix” them.   When you look beyond a person’s sin and brokenness, you can begin to love them the way Jesus does. Everyone, regardless of whom they choose to marry, has human needs that create opportunities, which allow us to share the love of Jesus, before we ever quote a single line of scripture.

I loved Justin well. When his partnership with Anthony ended, he came to me in tears.   His sadness wasn’t my opportunity to speak out against sin. It was a chance to comfort another human being with the comfort that I had been comforted with myself; the love of Jesus. How did I comfort him? I shared about my own breakup with a boy almost 20 years ago. I could speak to my friend Justin from a humble place of familiarity, rather than from the self-righteous perch atop my Ivory Tower.

I believe God has something better for every gay man and woman that far outweighs the expected hopes and promises of gay marriage or even a gay life. There may be victory for the moment, but this win will do nothing to silence the ache of lonely hearts that only Jesus can quell.

I know why so many in the gay community seek to legalize gay marriage. I understand them. I have lived them. This isn’t a blog written by another Christian standing to bash the church. I was wounded by men in the church, but it was in the church at the hands of other men that I found healing and affirmation. I would ask the church at large and the pastors who have been praying vehemently against gay marriage one question: “If you view gay marriage as an event so heinous as to usher in the Apocalypse, do you have something better to offer the gay community instead?” Wouldn’t our prayers for the salvation of lost people have been better than thousands of prayers to stave off a single, inevitable event indicative of the fallen world we live in. If thousands in the gay community knew Jesus as their savior, it wouldn’t have mattered if Freddie Mercury himself resurrected to perform the ceremonies.

I write to the gay community and Christians alike. I ask humbly for your consideration. If you are happy being gay, I won’t challenge you. If you are gay and unhappy, I implore you to add Jesus to your search. To the church at large, I need you to know. I was raised in the congregation of an AOG church, not cooked up in a lab in San Francisco. I believe I was born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay. To a large extent my sensitive nature was not prized among the men in the church, but was celebrated in the arms of the gay community.   Men of God, it’s your role to decide who will shape the lives and destinies of sensitive boys like me: the church or the world.

I responded unwisely and hastily to political shakeups of the past. I don’t want to be “that Christian”. I want to be the Christian whose light shines so bright that the lost are drawn in like I was to the “HOT NOW” sign. I want to impact each person I encounter with a heart surrendered to Jesus, rather than a Facebook page filled with witty rhetoric. I want each person who encounters me to leave loved, affirmed and heard. I want to be a Christian who isn’t afraid to set knee to knee and eye to eye with someone from the gay community or anyone else who needs a little less battle and whole lot more compassion.

Viral Seduction

Acts 20:26-31 26 "Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of any of you. 27 For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. 28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. 29 I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30 Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31 So be on your guard!..." I heard a sermon from a pastor in Nashville. He zigzagged around his topic like a redneck running serpentine trying to outrun alligator. With 10-12 minutes left, he affirmed that his church would now extend membership privileges and marriage rights to LGBT attendees. There was a mixture of silence and applause. The sermon can be summarized in one paragraph: “50 minutes from now I’m going to horribly compromise the word of God, taking this congregation in a direction that honors people, not God. We are no longer going to concern ourselves with obedience to God’s word. Instead, we are going to become an all-inclusive social club led by human emotion and unbridled compassion.”  Scripture after scripture comes to mind.

Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

For years, I’ve watched friends and mentors wander from the truth of God’s word when it comes to homosexuality. The ebb and flow takes a toll on my heart. It never gets easier to watch, but I’ve grown to expect the falling away. Facebook often bears witness when another “spiritual Titanic” is sinking. The bible even says that if possible in last days that even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived.

I run a ministry to a small cross section of men in the gay community, who find themselves desiring a life surrendered to God and not governed by their SSA.  I can understand where this guy in Nashville is coming from. Yet a ministry of all love and grace and no truth, is a false doctrine that leads people astray. A hyper grace centered focus is one factor that helped capsize the ministry of Exodus International. The Nashville Pastor’s approach to marriage and the LGBT community is steeped in worldly value, but skewed biblical truths. A Facebook friend posted the video with this caption: “Happy to call this man my pastor.” My heart winced. The effort to include a “disenfranchised” few, had instantly discredited my story of Jesus’s transforming power. The posting was from an acquaintance who knew my story, but chose to believe a lie. My heart says that people in that body of believers are being cheated out of what Jesus Christ can do when we surrender our broken sexuality to Him.  All it takes is one misinformed, misguided pastor speaking out of the recesses of his heart instead of being submitted to the word of God.

Matthew 15:13-14 13 But He answered and said, “Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.”

Gay “christianity” is not an authentic Christian walk.  Matthew 15:8-9 8 "These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.  9 And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.”  It is a offshoot of Christianity focused more on the acceptance of homosexual sin and those involved in it, rather than focusing on surrendering one’s whole heart to the will of God. Here are some telling quotes from the Gay Christian Network mission statement.

“Through conferences, speaking events, videos, message boards, and more,                  we’re TRANSFORMING THE CONVERSATION in the church and working to ‘share Christ’s light and love for all.’ ” (Emphasis is mine.)

1 John 5:3 “In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands… “. Despite repeated attempts by gay advocates to “TRANSFORM THE CONVERSATION” and rewrite scripture, God will never change His conversation on sexually immoral behavior. Scripture says that “love for God, is keeping his commandments”. Loving God even means honoring His commandment to abstain from acting out homosexually, not devising ways to reframe the biblical narrative on homosexuality. James 4:4 claims this “…Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” The truth is, God starting laying the foundations of this conversation long before satan’s Public Relations team began retooling it.

I am reminded of Psalm 119:105 “Your WORD is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” As Christians, we are to be led by God’s word, not man’s opinion. Matthew 22:37 “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart…soul…and mind.’ 39 And…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” Verse 39 is deceptively used to ‘preach’ the concept that loving someone unconditionally means universal acceptance of their sinful behavior. Christ loves us, but He doesn’t approve of our sinful behavior.

The Gay Christian movement is strong, as are all attacks of the enemy against God’s plans for humanity. I’m reminded that large gatherings of sinful people isn’t something new; it’s been happening for millennia. However, the size of the crowd is not proportionate to the “rightness” of the cause. It simply bears witness with Matthew 7:13- “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”  

I believed for 20+ years that I was born gay. For 16 years, I have allowed Jesus Christ to be the driving force behind my beliefs, rather than my broken sexuality. Authentic Christianity doesn’t’ come with a prefix.   Promoting gay “christianity” means making room on the pew for alcoholic Christians, gluttonous Christians and straight, unmarried, sexually active Christians. We all struggle with sin, but when sexual immorality is hybridized with our Christian walk, God is not honored. We must surrender our sexual sin to God for His help, instead of submitting it to God, demanding His approval. Jesus is more into transforming lives than opinions. He says in Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Alcoholics can get help for addiction. Overweight people have outlets for weight loss. Yet, satan has worked overtime to normalize the sin of homosexuality. Pastors and churches promoting freedom from homosexuality are vilified in the press.   Speak the biblical truth about sexual sin or support any organization teaching freedom from homosexuality and you’ll be attacked and brutalized. Any attempts at a balanced, intellectual dialogue are thwarted with cries of “Anti-gay” and “Hate Speech”.

I make the decision daily not to act on my SSA, the same way that unmarried, heterosexual Christians make the decision not to act on their OSA(opposite sex attractions). If the church said it was okay for straight people to act out on their sexual attractions, someone would call foul. So why is the church making allowances when it comes to the LGBT community?

I prayed for many years for God to remove my same sex desires. He never did. That didn’t mean that He didn’t hear me or that He created me gay. It simply meant that God’s plan of how to deal with my SSA didn’t involve a Holy Spirit zap.

God’s perceived indifference to my modern day prayers does not supersede the cacophonous authority of His holy scripture.

If God had zapped me during those late night, bedside prayer sessions, I do not believe I would have known Jesus as intimately as I do. If someone who struggles with SSA is honest about their early life experiences, common developmental patterns for SSA tend to emerge. In some cases, homosexual desires were, indirectly or directly, nurtured by the individual, friends or family. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character”.

I didn’t choose to have SSA. I did choose to make bad decisions because of those feelings. While no one chooses to have same sex attractions, I do believe that men are created Artistic, Sensitive and Creative. The gift of sensitivity can be man’s greatest gifting or the source of his biggest wounding.

I am thankful that the church I grew up in never preached acceptance of homosexual sin. While I believe that the evangelical church should adhere to biblical standards for all forms of sexual immorality, I think churches should welcome the LGBT community. Where else are they going to find relationship with Jesus and freedom from SSA?

Walking away from homosexuality was one of the most difficult journeys I have ever taken. Ultimately, it was the disappointment and heartache of the gay life and the leading of the Holy Spirit that led me to Jesus. The thought of walking away from homosexuality generated many fears. “I’ll have to go through puberty again.” “I’ll have to wake up every day and tell myself ‘I’m not gay’. ” “I didn’t want to date women.” “I can’t trust God. He made me this way. He ignored my cries for help.” “No one has ever left homosexuality. It isn’t possible.” Thank God, none of that was true. I realized too late, that FEAR was a big part of my belief system. I lived my life believing in an angry, semi powerful God. Boy was I wrong!

One of the reasons homosexuality is so hard to walk away from is that it pervades every area of a person’s life. The defining characteristic of homosexuality is not a simple sex act between a same sex couple, but a level of brokenness so intricate that it forces a person to work desperately to restore some sense of normalcy to the chaos. That was my daily existence for 10 years.

At the end of the day, I don’t support the gay life. After having lived it myself, God demonstrated that homosexuality is not God’s best for anyone. As Christians our identity is defined by our Savior, not our sexual brokenness. In Matthew 7:20-21, the bible says that we will know other believers by the fruit they produce. It also says “not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” The will of the Father calls us to abstain from sexual immorality. Every area of our lives is subject to the will of God.

Romans 14:12 woke me up to reality. “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” God was going to hold me personally responsible for how I lived my life and my response to Jesus’ sacrifice for my sin. After living ten years as a gay man and calling myself a gay Christian, I knew I had answered ‘Yes’ to sin and ‘No’ to Jesus Christ.

Contrary to popular belief, Jesus spoke out against all forms of sexual immorality, homosexuality included. The bible never classified homosexuality separately than other forms of sexual immorality. You can credit modern day gay advocates for that. Jesus addressed sexual immorality in general in Matthew 15: 19, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person…”.  Sexual immorality, homosexuality included, defiles a person. That is pretty clear.

I wholeheartedly agree that the church hasn’t been kind to the LGBT community. However, over sympathizing as a means of correcting the wrongs of the past fosters a grotesque wave of hyper-sensitivity, where rather than bringing truth and grace simultaneously to the wounded, we bow to their every whim.

In the wrong hands, Love becomes a virus rather than a vaccine.