Let me be; that Man
Each morning, many members of the family of illuminate church read the same devotional from wherever they find themselves on the planet. The devotion is the brainchild of Pastor Wayne Cordero and can be found here: www.lifejournal.cc. We are currently reading selections from the book of Numbers, which, I know sounds about as riveting as having a root canal with no anesthetic. BUT...I found this awesome nugget from God today.
So his guy named Balaam, yes the same Balaam with the talking Donkey, was being paid to put a curse Israel. However, each time Balaam opened his mouth, God led him to bless Israel, which really angered the guy paying him to curse Israel. On the third try, the Spirit of God came over Balaam and he began a third and final blessing with these words.
Numbers 24:3b-4 "The utterance of the man whose eyes are opened, the utterance of him who hears the words of God, who sees the vision of the Almighty, who falls down , with eyes wide open."
Here was my prayer to God after reading this scripture. "I pray that I am that man. That my eyes be opened and no longer shrouded in fear. That my ears would be open to everything God is speaking and not just the things that I want to hear God say. That I have a taste and a desire for God's ultimate plan. That I remain humble in HIs presence and obedient to His call on my life, His vision for man and reverent to His name and vast resumé." I pray that for each of you right now. Each of you as the man or woman that God created you to be. God still has a plan for you.
Remember these people: 1) the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8, 2) the man crippled since birth in Acts 14, 3) the 10 lepers of Luke 17, 4) a beggar named Blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10, 5) the paralytic man of Mark 2 whose friends lowered him through the roof .
And finally this guy 6) The man in John 5 at the pool of Bethesda was sick for thirty-eight years.
Jesus saw this guy lying there. Jesus knew that he had been in that condition a long time. Jesus says to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”
How many times have you said, “I can’t", "I don’t know how", "There’s no way”.
Jesus has come to say to us: "I know what you struggle with", "I know how long you have struggled with it", and "I’m not interested in your excuses and your explanations".
I just want to know one thing, “Do you want to be made well?”
Father God, I ask that you encourage every Christian who desires a closer walk with You today. Give them ears to hear what You are speaking to them and over them. Give them a vision for Your perfect will. Lead them into a deeper relationship with You. Amen.
Jesus: Expletive, Weapon or Freedom
About a month ago, I celebrated the 17th anniversary of the day I walked away from homosexuality. There were no cakes, no banners or brightly colored, celebratory paraphenalia; only the amazing recollection of the day that Jesus became something more to me than a crass expression used by irreverently or the weaponized tool of manipulation used by religious zealots. Jesus Christ. What a powerful name! Jesus' life and ministry was the fulfillment of many prophecies in the Old Testament. During those cold moments at the close of 1998 and the cessation of my sexual escapades, Jesus fulfilled one scripture for me above all else. Proverbs 18:24- "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." A friend that sticks closer than a brother. I had lived a life virtually spitting in the face of Jesus, but at the end of my rebellion He was standing there saying "Welcome Back". Back to reality. Back to His will. Back to life. The Walking Dead, though science fiction, was my reality for 2 decades. I spent my life focused on getting beyond the difficult junk in order to get to the good stuff on the other side. Good stuff was forever elusive. Life had become a vast swamp and I wandered endlessly, pursuing an ever changing destination. Conversely, the Old Testament account of Joseph speaks of thriving in difficulty. Joseph was sold into slavery, stolen from his father and imprisoned on false charges. Yet he consistently gave glory and praise to God, rather than moping about. He thrived, because he was surrendered to God. It was said of Joseph in Genesis 41:38 "Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom is the Spirit of God?" As I wandered through the desert of my dysfunction, I repeatedly said 'No Thanks God', blaming my misfortune on Him. Joseph's peace in time of trouble was always something of an illusion to me.
As a young, gay man I wielded words like weapons. I made sport of being angry, bitter and offensively witty. In restrospect, it's clear those aren't Christlike attributes. But to my young, gay mind, tainted by the deceptive beliefs of: "abandoned by God" and "hated by Christians", words were a source of survival. So much of the scripture lately lends support to choosing Jesus over sin of any kind. There are benefits to serving the One Master, Jesus, over the other master, our broken sexuality.
My father's effective and powerful prayers and growing up in a church bathed in scripture, are the two main reasons I was able to leave homosexuality and stay away. In my own ministry, I have realized that I don't pray for people nearly as much as my father did for me. God is not bringing young men to me so I can tell them to behave. God is bringing men into my life who struggle so that I can reiterate the fact that Jesus is the answer to what ails them. The Holy Spirit revisited that idea a few weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning. "Just tell them about Jesus," he said. It's always been about Jesus and will always be about Jesus. There is no other name under heaven by which a man can be saved. I pondered these thoughts yesterday, as I sat across the table from a young man who had just told me he was on the verge of making a huge decision. He was deciding between living a life for God or going headlong into the gay life. This was no easy decision for him. And no easy confession. I have been in this young man's life for a little over a year. I've seen him victorious over sin one day and giving into it entirely the next. Keep in mind. He never came right out and said, I plan on screwing up my life forever by leaving my wife and family behind in order to live as who I truly am. He is tormented by the decision, but he sees no other way.
As a Christian who struggles with homosexual desires I understand his pain. What struck my heart the most was one of the reasons he said he was giving up and going into the gay life. He said it would just make things easier. To which I replied, "For whom?". I read in scripture today about serving two masters. While it is primarily used as a sermon on serving God or money, it speaks volumes to a principle I alluded to earlier; choosing one master to serve. The bible says that no servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon. -Luke 16:13. As I chatted with my friend, I could indeed see the fork in the road where he was standing. The road on the left was an easy, short journey through life followed by a tormented, infinite journey into hell. The path on the right was narrow and winding, filled with hardship for a time filled with an eternity with a loving God. My friend had spent the bulk of his life stuck between gay and God, taking on the feel good parts of Christianity and the exciting parts of his gay life, while never fully committing to either. It was the proverbial life of living on the fence. One which the New Testament describes God as saying, and I am paraphrasing, be hot or cold, because you will never amount to any good as a lukewarm, fence dweller; spiritual limbo if you will.
Conversations like this are frequent in "ex-gay" ministry. After the death of Exodus International and the onslaught of government, approved gay marriage, many have lost sight of the truth of scripture. Many have lost the will to fight. While perusing Facebook last week I read a post that hit like a gut punch. No it wasn't "Hillary 2016". The post said simply, "Here is a picture of my beautiful wife." Those words were uttered by a friend I used to attend church with and minister alongside. That friend's name is Lisa. Daily, I see the casualties of homosexual sin and desire. I don't hate homosexual sin for all the preconceived Christian reasons. I hate the idea that the people I know and love are surrendering themselves to a life where they will be chewed up, spit out and disrespected. A world where Jesus is neither honored nor exalted. At the end of the day though, they are subject to the laws of the land we chose to live in. They may be submitting themselves willingly, but I know the realistic pull of sexual sin. It sets in at an early age and steals away a person's youth and life experience.
I see now why my father spent so many nights on his knees in prayer before God. His heart ached for the lost, as mine does now. If you find yourself at the same crossroads as my friend, please reach out before you make a life altering decision. If you have someone in your life who is about to succumb to the pressures of sexual desire and temptation, please don't stop praying for that person. Though I have traveled to Alaska, Australia and beyond to share Jesus with whomever would listen, I found myself defeated in my own backyard. For a moment I gave up on my friend. The thought crossed my mind that I was so tired of losing friends to homosexuality. Later that night I repented for giving up so easily and prayed earnestly for the life of my friend and other sons and daughters. I asked God to remind satan that he's been defeated. I went to battle for lives that truly matter and souls with whom I want to spend an eternity in heaven.
Jesus was fully a man. Jesus is fully God. And where I get it wrong and build expectations and hurdles for people, He builds a bridge. You can know Jesus today, too. He doen't ask you to clean yourself up before you come to Him. He simply invites you to come. If you are struggling today at the crossroads, there is freedom from homosexuality, but most importantly, there is life in Jesus Christ. I am living proof.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 - 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed,you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Beltway Meltdown
Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.
One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.
I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked. The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.
Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.
The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.
God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.
People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.
After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.
No one...deserves my anger.
Conversations at the Diner
On our way to our friend Amy's house to celebrate Thanksgiving, we stopped by a diner I have been eyeing for awhile now. My friends eat way healthier than me. Well, except for Ethan. He believes that McDonald's forms the base of the food pyramid. Anyway, I convinced, aka begged, them to stop and have dinner. They relented and we stopped. We are a friendly bunch and can basically talk to anyone about anything. The sign at the front invited us to seat ourselves; so we did. Our first waitress was quickly displaced by a second, feistier one. The new waitress was 3 inches shorter than your average kindergartner. Upon asking what she recommended, her tiny fingers danced about the menu faster than Hillary Clinton can hit the delete button after checking a classified email. The guys decided on a few of her recommendations, but I broke rank, deciding instead to go with liver and onions and green beans. This selection produced a gnarly scowl from our waitresses once smiling face. She placed our orders, returned to the table and the witty banter ensued. At some point, she received a text from a very, needy 16 year-old boy that we were informed was just one of 10 potential suitors.
The laughing and joking subsided a bit when she commented to Ethan that he must have a lot of boyfriends. Say what? We all heard it, laughed nervously and chose to brush it aside, but later on she broached the subject again, this time with all of us. She asked if any of us had boyfriends. I quickly said, I hadn't had a boyfriend for 18 years, since I left homosexuality behind. The scowl returned to her face, this time accompanied by a brow so furrowed it would have stifled even Joyce Meyers' plastic surgeon. She asked Ethan and Samuel if they had left homosexuality, too.
At this point I produced a business card so she could research Big Fish Ministry a bit. Ethan also produced a card for Revelation 12:11, his ministry. She asked about the card. I told her it would take her to my blog. It might help answer the questions her scrunched up face said she might have. She asked a few more questions like: "Have you stopped liking boys?" and "Have you started liking girls yet?" I explained how homosexuality developed in my life and she mumbled something and flitted off, never to return. It wasn't our goal to rock her world, but we had triggered an emotional "earthquake" of epic proportion.
Never being one to let an interaction like this go, I began to analyze and dissect the interaction. Questions ran wild in my mind: "Did we freak her out?", "Why was she more interested in chatting when she thought we were gay?", "Why hasn't the world heard stories like ours?", "What do we need to do in order share our testimonies on broader scope?"
The truth is, testimonies like ours are uncomfortable and odd. Churches steer clear of letting us share for fear of offending people. Heck, even at Donald Miller's Storyline Conference I just attended, a gay pastor was allowed to share his coming out story. When I questioned the conference organizer if the narrative of my story would be welcome, all I received was silence. More often than not, when we try to share our testimonies they are met with resistance. The world has been conditioned to accept and protect sin rather than taught to recognize sin in it's many forms according to scripture.
Knowledgeable, compassionate Christians and devout Christian men and women who have walked away from homosexuality should be establishing the churches dialogue on sex and sexuality. Justin Lee and Matthew Vines, two prominent false prophets of the gay Christian movement, should be called to repent by the Christian church at large, rather than having their twisted versions of the bible accepted into mainstream church culture. Satan is working through these men. The same way that satan comes as an angel of light, these smooth talkers are weaving a web of deception leading many churches into a "reformation" movement that will ultimately destroy and split the church.
As I sat there in those moments after our waitress left, I knew a few things very clearly. The course of my life and that of other men and women who have left homosexuality behind, is not determined by our attractions, past or present. The course of our lives is determined daily by our sacrifice to Jesus Christ. Also the fact that we believe God's word as it relates to homosexual sin. We lead lives as attacked by the gay community as the gay community believes the church attacks them. After 17 years of saying Yes to God and no to my homosexual desires, I can honestly say that my life and times are very different than they were when I took those first few trepidatious steps out of homosexuality and into God's arms.
God spoke a promise over me many years ago. It involved continually having one person after another say they felt like God wanted them to share Isaiah 61:1 with me. “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;” It was written as prophecy about Jesus and I am nowhere near Jesus status when it comes to this life. But, I know that God allowed all my hurts, hangups and struggles in life for such a time as this.
In the process of redeeming my life, God's Holy Spirit is working through me and He has anointed me to bring good news to those trapped in the same sin that held me captive for so many years. God has sent me to heal the brokenhearted with the good news and truth of the gospel to those who are willing to hear and contend with it. God has challenged me to proclaim freedom for those trapped in any kind of sinful pattern. He has given me authority to march into prisons of sexual sin everywhere that satan serves as warden, judge, jury and chief medical officer to release those bound up in the seductive poison of homosexual sin. I will live up to this calling and endure whatever persecution necessary to ensure that men who struggle with homosexuality hear the life giving word of the gospel.
This blog may not be popular with too many, but I choose to live according to my calling. Galatians 1:10 says “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.” Our greatest calling is to dispense grace and truth to those living without Jesus in equal measure. Our directives do not come from the vast, stifling, politically correct, worldly rhetoric of today's sin friendly culture, but from every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. The kind, deceptive pill of love the world serves will only prolong a person's agony until they die and enter eternity without God. If it is presented boldly and compassionately, the gospel is the only tool that will forever change and save the hearts of mankind.
Decade of Growth
On the Sunday after the SCOTUS ruling, my pastor at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida started off his message with a response. I wasn't sure what he was going to say, but I knew that it would be well thought out, grace filled and built for the future. My pastor is Tim Ingram: Husband, Father, Hero. He isn't the first pastor my church has had. In fact, illuminate church is not even the first name our church has had. Two men have come before Tim. Two church names preceded that. I have attended my current church for 10+ years. Let's just say that my first "set down get to know you" meeting with Tim Ingram wasn't pretty. I was a bitter, angry little man, looking for someone to blame for the hurt I had experienced at the hand of men in the church. Tim agreed to meet me at Cracker Barrel. If it didn't go well, at least I had comfort food to soothe my soul. He listened to my story, fielded my complaints and answered my questions. I left that meeting with my explosive emotions defused, because of his compassion, patience and kind heart. My language that day was not becoming of a Christian man. I might have even caused a few sailors to blush. I wasn't concerned about how he received what I had to say that day. But in all honesty, isn't that what hurt does. It sears our conscience and leads us down a path of destruction.
The truth was that I just needed to be heard by a man in the church. I needed to know that someone, anyone still cared that I was in pain. I didn't need him to fix anything for me, I just needed to be acknowledged. Tim showed me the grace and peace of Jesus that day. I left our meeting knowing that illuminate church would be my church home and that I would follow Tim as my leader.
So many names come to mind when I think of the men at illuminate Church who have shaped my life as a Christian and as a man. Joe Saragusa, my first pastor in Celebration. He told me that if I had a dream for ministry to the gay community, his dream was 5000 times bigger. Garret Balcitis, a youth pastor who taught me how to lead kids to Jesus. He believed in me when I couldn't do that for myself. Bronson Moore, who loved me through all my many phases and faces. And though he was younger than me, God used his wisdom to mold and shape my leadership. Ed Arnold, our Executive pastor who has stood the test of time, loved me when I was unlovable, and who shares his porch, his life, his family and his house with me every time I have a need. Andre Anderson. Nelson Deskins. Bill Nance. Tears are welling up in my eyes, because the list is endless. God has used these men to restore to me the meaning of father, brother, companion, comrade and friend. There was a point where I looked for men in the gay community to complete me or give my life meaning and purpose. I was always left wanting. With Illuminate Church, God has answered the cry of my heart for a place to belong, to be heard, to matter and a place to heal. The men that God has brought through my little church in the past 10 years have time and time again, been the face of Jesus.
I am taking this opportunity to share the message Tim preached on Sunday through the podcast. At Illuminate church we welcome all types. Men like me who have left homosexuality. Men like me who use colorful language a little more than I should. And men and women, who like me who don't always get it right, but try once agiain each morning with the sunrise. If you live in the Orlando area please join us at 10 a.m. on Sundays in Celebration, Florida at Celebration High School in the auditorium.
If you don't live around here and just need a little encouragement, feel free to listen to the podcasts at www.illuminateChurchFL.com
One Yes at a Time
As a young man struggling with gay attractions, there were days I prayed for God to take them away. There were days I felt hopeless for a life apart from them. I gave up on God. He never gave up on me. For that, I am grateful. God helped me walk away from the sin of my gay life and gave me a new life. He was only able to do that when I acknowledged my sinful decisions and surrendered to Him. I want the same kind of freedom for anyone stuck between the opinion of the world and the truth of God, regarding homosexuality. With God all things are possible. Here is a small portion of my story.
Picture it. Halloween 1998, I was roaming New Orleans dressed as one of the drag queens from Priscilla Queen of the Desert. God wasn't even a blip on my radar. Many a night prior to this I had wandered around New Orleans drunk and searching. Little did I know, but this evening’s jaunt was to be my swan song in the gay community. Over the next two months, I would make life changing decisions, as my heart grew heavy and my wallet thin.
My father and I were talking more. My mom was growing ill. I promised her I would return home, if she needed me. I had devolved into a completely self serving person and used my mom’s health as an excuse to leave my crazy life behind. During those two months I had been date raped by a guy, broke up with him and began dating his best friend, Scott. Scott was the last guy I dated. It lasted a mere two weeks, serving as a last ditch effort to make the gay life work for me. I was starved for love and affection. I chased off all Scott’s friends in an attempt to have him all to myself. Eventually, Scott broke up with me. I accepted my dad's fervent invitation to return home and "regroup". Why would I return home? Returning home to my hometown was the best and worst thing I could do; it wreaked of failure. God had initiated a chain of events that I couldn’t derail. I was desperate for change of any kind; lost and utterly hopeless.
1998 was drawing to a close. So was my 10 year run as a gay man. My flesh was not happy. I packed up everything I owned and drove from Mississippi to Oklahoma. I had one last hoorah with an ex-boyfriend in Texas before finishing the journey home. A long, lonely chapter was ending. I was abandoning everything to do the right thing. The right thing? I didn't have a fat clue what the right thing was.
My family was the same as I had left them 10 years prior. My mom was still suffering from the ravages of bipolar disorder. My dad was still an absent workaholic. God was silent. Still. For two months I was addicted to the most depraved forms of internet porn, while simultaneously attending church and working 50 hours a week as a truck driver. When God spoke again, it was to the point. He asked me if I was finished with porn and ready to start the business of living out my calling. Life had become exhausting. I gave God one more yes and prayed, "I have tried to make my life work for ten years God. I have tried to be gay no matter what You threw at me. I can't make this gay life work. I don't know how You are going to make it work, but I am giving you the reins of my life Lord. You have complete control. Let's see what You can do."
That was all the invitation God needed. My life changed, when I gave God full access. As you read this, please know that I stand before you as a man of much experience. Translation, a man who has done many wrong things on the way to the right thing. A man whose God never gives up, even when the man does. Jesus Christ is the only reason that any of my words have any influence. I know that many of you stand on the verge of something great. 20 years ago I stood in the very same spot. May I whisper to you a simple encouragement:
"There is Hope. Do not give up. The struggle out of bondage and into the arms of Jesus is worth it."
That journey out of gay life began simply enough. I never made a specific plan not to be gay or not to have sex with guys ever again. I concentrated on serving Jesus one day, then another. Working to rebuild trust that had been shattered by so many men. After a few short months away from bars and guys, God had worked a miracle. He had slowly becoming my one and only. My faith was growing. God was loosening my dependence on all things gay.
What is it that God is asking you to do? What is he saying to "Get rid of"? Is He asking you to stop talking to an old boyfriend? Is He encouraging you to close certain doors to your past? Change your phone number? Delete your Facebook "romances"? Is He asking you to clear space for Him in your busy, mixed up life?
More importantly, are you listening?
I said "Yes" to God once and continually find ways to say "Yes" daily. The time to act is now. God constructs miracles, one "Yes" at a time.
Eyes on Your Own Ballot
Earlier today a young man that I mentored sent me a link to an unsettling, but not surprising blog post. Apparently, it came out that Randy Thomas, the former Vice President of Exodus International, well, “Came Out”. My friend was emotional. To be honest, it upset me for a millisecond and then I went back to reading my daily devotion. As the day wore on, I felt no need to write an impassioned blog response, adding fuel to a fire that was smoldering at best. While some may see this a great opportunity to dialogue about the woes of gay Christianity, I felt like God was simply saying, tell them about my Son Jesus and what He did for you; about His plan of redemption and mercy for humanity. Don’t trouble yourself with the people who have ultimately rejected God’s plan laid out in the scriptures. That last line wasn’t a dig at anyone. We either say, Yes to Jesus and follow God’s plan for our lives, or we allow sin of any kind to gain a foothold in our life and reject God’s plan by making Jesus a contributor to our plan instead of the Savior of our life. First off, let me just say that Jesus Christ is still working on me. I’m terrible with finances, I drink too much soda and I used to secretly take pictures of larger people at Golden Corral while they weren’t looking. I’m a work in progress, but I fully admit there are areas where I need work. I don’t sit back and try to convince anyone that they should accept and celebrate my faults.
For example, take the area of my sexual brokenness. I lived as a gay man in my mind a lot longer than the actual ten years I lived as a gay man after coming out. I tried to convince everyone that I was “born gay” and then that I was a “gay Christian”. I couldn’t explain my same sex attractions away, so I tried to convince people that God had created me gay. Why?
I felt my same sex attractions deeply, down to my very core.
Thank God there was nobody reinterpreting the bible to validate homosexuality back then. Satan is using so many people as mouthpieces today in an effort to twist scripture and legitimize homosexuality. I knew the bible spoke out against homosexuality and that the only thing supporting my decision to be gay was the aforementioned, “deep-seated” feelings of unknown origin. In my thought life, “they just were there”. This led to the belief that I had no choice, I just had to build a life around them, because they weren’t going away.
I eventually walked away from my gay life. Why would I walk away now when I couldn’t bring myself to walk away before? Had my feelings changed? Did God appear me to in a cloud or a bright light on the highway? No and no. God simply allowed my gay life to lead me to the dead end where it will eventually lead everyone. Though my feelings had not changed, every ounce of belief that I could be fulfilled and happy as a gay man was gone. True, there was nothing that could separate me from the love of God, but God never placed His blessing on the gay life I was leading. It was outside of His will for my sexuality and the whole of His creation. The grace and mercy of God was that He kept His protective hand on me as I defiantly lived a life that screamed, “NO GOD”, until I was ready to return to Him humbly whispering, “Yes God.”
Every day of my life as a Christian, Jesus gives me the choice to choose life or death. He encourages me to choose life, but He gives me the option to choose death if I want to, it’s the beauty and the curse of Free Will. The choice seems like a no brainer to all those folks out there with minor struggles, but satan has honed his skills since his first act of deception in the garden. He has managed to cloud the choice between life and death by disguising death as a better, more palatable version of “life”. Its troubling to see anyone choose death, but no man who has ever spent time at the altar of an Exodus conference ever walks back into homosexuality easily. They deserve our prayers, but not our judgment or approval. Jesus suffered and endured the pain and anguish of the cross so we could have a choice to wholeheartedly follow God’s will or allow the cares of this world and the allure of sin to cause us to reject His will. Manage your own decision well before ever casting a vote in someone else’s election.
My relationship with Jesus is where my heart rises and falls every day. There will always be temptations to return to the places I was comfortable, no matter what, but I rest assured that temptation is not sin nor does it define my sexual preference or identity. In Christ there will always be a choice as well. The bible I read, speaks of redemption from every manner of sexual sin, including homosexuality. It says that God has a purpose and a plan for man and satan screwed that all up. It says that Jesus Christ came to earth, was crucified and was resurrected from the dead so that you and I can have life and have it more abundantly.
To me that says that I can choose not to live a life forever looking through the viewfinder of homosexuality. All sinful, sexual practices in the bible are still categorized together, because they are all outside the only God ordained sexual expression, which is between a married man and woman. Homosexuality has only been separated out, because it has one heck of a public relations team and thousands of testimonials from “satisfied” customers.
It is not God’s will that anyone live a life based on homosexuality or any other sinful practice. We have the choice to surrender all the broken, sinful parts of our lives to God. He will show each of us the path He has chosen for us to follow based on the bible, or we can choose to follow a path and a god of our own design based on thoughts, feelings and flawed human reason.
Deuteronomy 30:19 “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live…”
Lessons From A 5 Year Old
So I was counting raindrops the other day with my friend Zach. Let me rephrase that. We were attempting to count raindrops. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO COUNT RAINDROPS? It’s freakin’ hard! Why on earth would I even attempt to count something as infinite as raindrops. To be honest, it was Zach’s idea. Did I mention that Zach is 5? It was the typical Florida day, sunny all day and then in three seconds, HURRICANE!!!! We were standing in the doorway to the patio of Zach’s house, looking out over the pool, watching the raindrops hit the surface of the water. Zach wanted to play a game of counting raindrops. We began. I counted as fast as I could, using first one method, then another. The funny part was that I honestly tried to count the raindrops. At first I focused on one area of the pool and tried to focus in to recognize each, individual raindrop. I tried to say numbers really fast and get as high on the numerical scale as I could. BTW, I got tired and stopped at 46. It was then that I broke down. I realized that there were raindrops falling on the ground outside and on the roof and in the road and… I had never thought about it before, but there are SO MANY raindrops in one storm. It is nigh on impossible to count raindrops. I called this blog “Lessons learned from a five year old”, but God was working on teaching me something as well. Zach and I both gave up simultaneously. I was mentally exhausted and frustrated and he may have needed to pee and then he saw a squirrel. A few days later a song spoke words straight from God’s heart to my finite brain. Misty Edwards sang these words, “I believe. You will come like the rain. I believe. You will come like the rain. And I believe You will come like the rain. You’ll come like the rain!” WOW! Suddenly I was reminded of my adventure with Zach. Those raindrops that were too numerous to count, just kept coming. Everything in their path was baptized in water. Water ran along the gutters, the cracks in the sidewalk and permeated every square inch of dry, thirsty ground. Raindrops joined together as a mighty moving force, puddling and pooling, saturating everything under their heavenly waterfall. Misty’s words gained new ground in my mind. If Jesus indeed did come like the rain, then that means He is a mighty, moving, saturating, refreshing, unstoppable, immeasurable force; bringing life and rapture. It was impossible for Zach and I to quantify the raindrops, but when we stepped back and simply enjoyed their synchronicity, we could appreciate the sheer power and amazingness of the rainstorm. I didn’t need to understand every component of the rain to know that it was working and had purpose. The presence of Jesus is as innumerable as the raindrops. When He comes like the rain, He can penetrate and saturate every area and aspect of our lives with His love, His power and His presence. If I had stood in the midst of the rainstorm, I would have quickly been soaked to the bone, but I chose to stand in the doorway, just out of it’s reach. I still enjoyed the cool, crisp, refreshing “presence” of the rainstorm, but I did it from a place of safety; a place of non-investment. That is how I have I have often lived my Christian life; standing just beyond the reach of Jesus, enjoying the promise of heaven’s possibilities, but refusing to take the few steps further, toward Jesus and allow Him to inundate me with His infinite saturating and powerful, all consuming love. My prayer for all of us is that we step out into the rainstorm that is Jesus. That we take those first few, frightening steps out of the doorway of our will and into the presence of Jesus where His cleansing love will envelop us. One of the greatest lessons I learned from Zach, as he stood there holding my hand, listening to me count, was this. When I was interested and engaged, he was, too. When I gave up and was ready to quit, so was he. Zach had begun to imitate the way I was counting. He was saying what I was saying and doing what I was doing. I believe if I had run out onto the patio in the pouring rain, he would have joined me. I also believe that if I had let go of his hand, he would have run onto the patio into the deluge all by himself. Jesus showed me how that is the power or weakness in our Christian walks. There are people who will fall in love with Jesus simply because we love Him. There are those who will follow us to church, stand by and “hold our hand” and follow our lead, as we trudge forward or fall away as we lose faith. They have the potential to be held back by our brokenness and mistrust of Jesus or catapulted forward as we lean on Jesus. Our friend’s lives will reflect our freedom in Christ or our bondage to sin. The time for standing in the doorway, enjoying Jesus from afar, has passed. It is time to recklessly abandon our hearts and lives to the heavenly rainstorm that is the infinite and innumerable presence of Jesus Christ.
Cardiac Arrest
Last night I watched a movie based loosely on the life of the Solomon of the bible, called “The Song”. I had spent the entire day prior to our 10:05 movie time celebrating my birthday with friends. The happy, go lucky, fun frenzy, birthday extravaganza ground to an abrupt halt roughly halfway through the movie. Spoiler Alert. The main character a struggling singer marries the girl of his dreams, then writes a hit song and proceeds to let fame wreck his life. It should have been rated O for “O My Gosh This is so Frickin’ Depressing!” BUT…it was worth the watch. Here’s why. They might have been recreating the story of Solomon, but they were also writing the story of every one of us who has drifted away from God when we got enticed by “the world”. My stomach was in knots the entire movie, but it wasn’t just because the movie was sad and frustrating at times. Deep in my heart, I knew that I, too, had been guilty of cheating on God with various “seductive temptresses” throughout my life. I was mad, because I had spent the entire day celebrating me and now God was asking me to focus my attention back on Him. How dare He, right? I live a cleaner, healthier more Christ filled life now than I did 20 years ago when I was deep in the heart of the gay community, but even a little “rust” if gone unnoticed, can weaken the sturdiest “metal”. One conversation in the movie was especially convicting. The main character’s wife accuses him of loving his career more than his family. He starts rationalizing and gets defensive about how his career is good for everyone. How many times have I gone to bat for something that was a whole lotta me and very little God? In recovery circles the term “self medicate” applies to methods we use to soothe our hurts and wounds on our own using drugs, sex, porn, food, etc.. This movie served as a wake up call for me. As a Christian and follower of God, I am called to surrender everything. That includes ways in which I self medicate. I have to admit this people. There are ways I still don’t believe that God will do what He says He will do in His word. And that is this, God would provide OUR every need if we would step aside and let Him. Instead, I build walls inside and around my heart and post no trespassing signs to Him. Yet, I will throw out the Red Carpet to people on occasion who don’t give a rodent’s rear end about me. One of the biggest heartaches in ministry is when a guy I have been ministering to suddenly meets the “perfect” guy. This leads them to change their mind about God and my testimony. Some are led back into sin by the promise of “the man of their dreams”. I used to get so mad at God when this would happen. ‘How could you let satan do this to these guys? Don’t you care about them? Don’t’ you care about my sanity? What about all the effort I have wasted?’ My heart wasn’t always in the most Christ surrendered places. God has recently begun to change my perspective on the matter. It’s like He has posed the question to me, “Where does it hurt more? Your heart or your pride?” God hurts a million times worse than we do when one of His children says no to His plan for their lives. It grieves God when we choose to settle for sinful behavior rather than to rest in His presence. I know all too well, the seductive, convincing allure of homosexual desires. I also know that gay relationships led me away from God’s will for my life. “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.”- Proverbs 14:12. As I sit and judge or nurse a broken heart because a guy I have been ministering to chooses another path, how much more does God hurt when I do the same thing to Him. Pornography and masturbation is one way we all say ‘no’ to God’s healing love. Food and finances run amuck are other ways we try to fill the void in our lives, while God waits for us to reach our body’s and our credit card’s limit. It’s often only then that He bring healing and restoration. God desires to be in relationship with us. He desires for us to pursue the path of His will. His will is the only path that leads to life. Homosexuality is by no means the worst sin in the basket. All sin grieves the heart of God, but the bible describes sexual sin as a sinning against one’s own body. Homosexuality to me, was a consistent and slow-burning, forest fire, daily claiming acre after acre of cardiac real estate. Our pastor challenged us to be “Boldly Humble and Beautifully Messy”. That is what God called me to be when I started this blog. Today, I had a conversation with a friend, who is choosing to pursue God while simultaneously pursuing a relationship with another guy. That may screw with a lot of people’s theology. It does with mine. But…I know my friends heart. I have seen how anointed and gifted by God he is. However, one of his statements shifted my focus. As he shared his heart super openly, he also told me that he knows very clearly that I believe homosexuality is a sin. He politely asked me not to mention it again, because he was sure he would never forget. He asked if we could simply build a friendship and if I could let him work this next phase of his life out with God and not as the subject of my watchful eye. We ended our conversation with a prayer. Then I made a move that some may disagree with, but I felt led of the Holy Spirit to do. I asked my friend for forgiveness if I have tried to force Jesus on him as an ultimatum. I apologized for any moment that I had treated him as less than me or for any moment I had promoted the idea that I myself “have arrived”. I truly know that my heart breaks for these guys, because I have experienced the hurt and pain of using things other than Jesus to heal my pain. I have been used, battered and maligned by people I thought I could trust with my heart. Although I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I also believe that if I choose something else simply because my trust muscle is broken, that Jesus Christ is big enough to forgive my sin, mend my wounds and set me on the proper path. satan has no new tricks. He tempts each one of us the same. Thank goodness, he doesn’t have exclusive rights to the script of our lives. I love my gay friends with a love that only comes from walking a mile in their shoes and from having experienced the love of Christ when I was saying ‘Hell No Jesus’. I trust that God will answer my prayers for them; that each one of them will one day surrender their lives to Jesus. Until that day I will trust God with their lives the same way my father trusted God with mine. At the end of the day, I am learning to have greater faith in God’s sovereignty than satan’s liberal use of smoke and mirrors. Phililppians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Stay in the Ship
The other day I noticed that another Facebook friend had joined a somewhat exclusive, online club; the Facebook official club. For those of you unfamiliar with what Facebook official represents, it’s the act of announcing your dating relationship to the world via Facebook. The Facebook Official proclamation falls somewhere between “You’re kinda cute” and “I wanna have yo baby”. Oftentimes it announces a relationship previously in progress. One trend I am noticing is that gay couples are using it to announce their relationships, but as a way of coming out to friends and family who might not have a clue. This is where I found myself the other day. I was trolling the newsfeed, looking for funny videos, searching for a daily life slogan and catching up on the latest political and social gaffes that Barack or Michelle had perpetrated on the highly esteemed office of POTUS or FLOTUS. I happened upon a guy that I shared my testimony with about 10 years ago. We have been facebook “friends” this entire time. We met at a Christian, collegiate conference called Sonburst. I spoke at the conference and shared about Jesus and leaving homosexuality with a group of about 100 students. One of the students grabbed my email and shared his similar struggle with same sex attraction. We met to hangout and conversed off and on for a few years. Eventually he moved and the lines of communication grew quiet. The cold hard fact about Facebook though is that you can think you know so much about a person and still know so very little about their lives. I saw that my friend had announced that he was Facebook Official with a guy. I know I hadn’t talked to him in years, but my heart sank. Homosexuality develops as a result of brokenness in relationships and other developmental factors. I hate to see that someone has simply resigned himself to a life built on a foundation of dysfunction. It hurts my heart to see any man, let alone the men who know the truth of the bible regarding homosexuality, choose a different path than the one that God has ordained for all men. Homosexuality is not in God’s plan for us. It is simply not His best for his creation. No matter how many times gay christians manipulate and twist scripture to suit their need or omit the bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts, it doesn’t change the fact that God designed man for woman and woman for man and that any sexual relationship outside of marriage is sin. So there I was, reading and disbelieving my friend’s post. My heart sank a little further as read the comments below in support of his proclamation; nothing but “love” for this man and his relationship. Then I began to wonder, how will he know the truth if no one tells them? How will they find their way back to the will people know the truth of God if they are surrounded by only by the voices of sinful, broken people? I knew I needed to once again, share the truth in love with my friend. I felt in my heart that a loving, compassionate, private message was the way to go. I simply said, I saw your post about dating a guy. I remember where we met and what we talked about together. I have continued my walk out of homosexuality. Homosexuality is not God’s best for you. His reply came a few days later. My friend was no longer the receptive young 20 something that had pursued me for the truth. His reply represented the burgeoning and hybridized viewpoint of many gay Christians today: a little bit of truth mixed with some misinterpreted scripture and a whole lot of defensiveness. It was hurtful, but I understand his response. You are living your happy life, that you have fought hard for and some guy sends you a message after 10 years to tell you that he doesn’t feel that you are doing the right thing and he calls out your relationship with God in the process. Even though my intention was nothing but true love, what I did was put him on guard. So what is the proper response. I wouldn’t change the fact that I spoke truth to my friend, but I would change the fact that I didn’t invite God in to help me process my friends announcement the minute that I read it. I knew I needed to be the only voice of spiritual reason in my friend’s life, but my response was reactive, not relational. My friend said something that stuck in my throat and put a knot in my stomach. He said, unless I had been talking to God on his behalf for the last ten years, I had no idea what God’s plan was for him. Though there’s truth and falsehood to that statement, it was a convicting thought. How much had I prayed for this boy over the last 10 years? How much had I even involved myself in his life? These were all ponderings I took to God in prayer. I knew that a three sentence Facebook message wasn’t going to bring down the power of the Holy Spirit and immediately bring conviction to my friend. I did believe that it would start a dialogue not a “forest fire”. Over the next couple of days, I took my friend’s name before the Lord. I asked for forgiveness for not praying for him more. I asked God for intervention and healing in his life. The entire event has led me to pray more attentively for guys I am mentoring, have mentored or simply gay men I see when I am out and about. I don’t have all the time in the world to pray for every guy, but I know that a number of them have given up on God and given up on walking away from homosexuality. Many have resigned themselves to a form of spirituality called gay christianity as a means of managing their homosexual desires and their desire to serve Christ. I know all too well the battle that rages on in one’s head regarding Christianity and homosexuality. I tried for years to comingle the two. At the end of the day, gay chrisitianity isn’t a life of denying oneself daily, taking up your cross and following Christ, but a patchwork quilt of partial obedience to certain scriptures and a complete disregard of scriptures condemning homosexual practices. I have been led to pray differently for them. Scripture says in Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;”. God is faithful to save our loved ones from the bondage of sin. We must not have more faith that satan has our friends bound, but extreme trust that God is at work in their lives. We must in fact, trust in the Lord with all of our heart. God loves our loved ones and friends so much more than we do. He created them. My prayer for each one of the men I pray for is that they would know God more and more each day. When it comes to the LGBT community, there seem to be two schools of thought, “Support them fully or you’re anti-gay” and “Condemn them completely, because they are all lost”. Personally, I don’t subscribe to either. I can’t support their pursuit of things outside the scope of God’s will for them, but I can love them as God’s creation and hope that one day they all become children of God through an active relationship with Jesus. Even as the world blindly and unwittingly supports all things LGBT, we as Christians must share the truth in love, risk facing persecution and stand before God bearing the names of gay identified men and women in our lives. A while back, I was led Acts 27. Paul is traveling by ship to stand trial before Caesar. Acts 27:23 Paul says, “Last night an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I serve stood beside me 24 and said, ‘Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you.” I was moved by the Holy Spirit to ask God to graciously give me the lives of “the men traveling with me in my ship”. I felt led by the Holy Spirit to speak out the names of the men in my life. God warned Paul that the men must remain on the ship for their life to be spared. Inevitably in ministry there are men who chose to ignore the warning and jump ship even as others heed the warning and remain with the ship regardless of the impending doom they see. Prayerfully, I’m asking God to spare the lives of the men in the “ship in my mind”. It is not God’s will that anyone should perish.
Sin Betrayed by a Heart Exposed
As I type the first few words of this blog I am running a race against a computer that has only 35% battery left. I left my cord at a friend’s house last weekend. 34% and I am powerless. Anyway. I was reading my morning devotion this morning, as I do 5 days out of 7 most weeks. I want to be more consistent with my devotion to God’s word; as consistent as I used to be with pornography and masturbation. I never used to miss a day of self-gratification. There never seemed to be a reason to miss it. After all, “it wasn’t hurting anyone right?” Well that is a blog for another day. Suffice to say that pornography and masturbation are a daily dose of gasoline that kept the dim, yet still active fire of homosexuality burning in my life. When I surrendered that to God, my temptations to look at gay porn and my need to find a man to fulfill me began to fade away. The knowledge and wisdom I gleaned from morning devotions today was so worth sharing. We have been reading a lot in Isaiah. And every day I have been depressed and a little saddened, because of my lack of understanding of the book. I’d pray every morning before we read and I would get little tidbits of wisdom here and there, but never any meat. I kept entertaining thoughts that I must just be out of touch with God. After all, I was reading the bible, as I was encouraging others to do and here I was, bankrupt. ARGHHHHH! Then today happened.
I was staring down the barrel of three chapters in Isaiah. I could feel the anxiety begin to rise, but we prayed as usual and I hoped for God to illuminate something for me. WOW! Let’s just say the brightness of the sun was a matchstick compared with what God showed me. Isaiah 58:9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ “If you take away the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, 10 If you extend your soul to the hungry And satisfy the afflicted soul, Then your light shall dawn in the darkness, And your darkness shall be as the noonday. 11 The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
Isaiah 58:13 “If you turn away your foot from the Sabbath, From doing your pleasure on My holy day, And call the Sabbath a delight, The holy day of the Lord honorable, And shall honor Him, not doing your own ways, Nor finding your own pleasure, Nor speaking your own words, 14 Then you shall delight yourself in the Lord; And I will cause you to ride on the high hills of the earth, And feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father. The mouth of the Lord has spoken.” What I got from these two verses was God’s response in times of obedience and walking according to his commandments. If you do these things God says, then I will do these things. I longed to honor God’s commandments in my life, because I know what life is like when I live according the gospel of Matthew Aaron Walker. I left my heart leap in my chest my friend when I read verse 11. The Lord will guide you continually, satisfy your soul in drought, strengthen your bones and that you shall be watered like a garden and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. I long for that kind of refreshing each and every day. We all wake each morning with a hunger and thirst of some sort, waiting to be quenched. I challenge you to see that hunger and thirst through the eyes of your spirit and not through the eyes of your flesh. One way will lead you to God and the other will lead you to man. One way will cause your hunger and thirst to deepen and lead you down a path of self-discovery. The other will satiate your needs, help you meet the needs of others and lead you on a journey of spiritual discovery.
I can do nothing without Jesus Christ in my life. I hated that statement when I was fighting to make a name for myself. I still fight against that statement at times, when I seek to find my value in the applause of man. At the end of the day, I know that there is no truer of a statement. The mercy of God in my opinion, is that the more I learn of His love and wisdom, the less he allows me to run in times of trouble. I struggle a great deal with self-confidence and situational depression. I stepped out into full time ministry over a year ago. It was amazing at first, when I had expendable cash. As my funds have depleted, it was slowly and painfully more evident what I had placed my trust in; funding, not the God who had called me into ministry. I have always suffered by repeating the pattern of falling back into pornography and masturbation when I think God has forgotten me, times get tough and my future is uncertain. All of a sudden I stop trusting the God who honored his promise just last week, I lose faith in the Holy Scriptures and I cry and whine as if my struggles are greater than the suffering of Jesus on the way to the cross. A few weeks later I will usually crawl back into the presence of God, apologize profusely and ask just what He was trying to teach me. It’s never what I ever expect.
The last few months have been filled with great turmoil for a guy in ministry such as myself. I had two major donors peace out, a go to donor peace out as well and two guys leave the residential program I run. That was like “superman leveling a building worthy ridiculousness” if you ask me. I felt like I had made a mistake in stepping out when I did. I felt betrayed by a bunch of people. And I started to have to use my credit cards to get by here and there. Not the picture perfect ideal way to start a World Changing Ministry right? Well. Once I had brewed myself a cup of “Shut the Heck up and Get back to Work” tea, the phone started ringing again. God started leading people to the ministry. And I started talking to God and confessing to my pastor and asking for help to make sure that I don’t fall prey to depression and self-pity. I also began to teach myself some pretty amazing things. No matter who shows up at my door or on the screen of my phone, I won’t compromise the things of God. I know that there are certain things are not optional for me anymore. Reading the bible daily is not an option. If my bible is not in my hand then my penis very well could be by the end of the day. It isn’t optional to talk to God for me. If I am not keeping company with God, I will be conversing with the temptations in my head and conjecturing as to the best way to fulfill them by nightfall. No matter how dark, how depressing or hopeless the day seems.
I have to tell myself when I’m struggling with emotional issues that homosexuality, sex and porn and masturbation are no longer options for dealing with my problems. I haven’t physically slept with anyone in over 15 years, but the word of God says in Matthew 5:28 “…I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” For those of us who struggle with homosexuality, we can interchange “woman” with “man”. My particular sin was especially humbling, because the subject of my lust was a man. And through the medium of pornography, I had been living out what scripture calls “sexual relationships” with other guys even during the time I was celebrating my walk out of homosexuality. Do you see your battle of pornography and masturbation in the same way that God does? There is hope for you my brother. It’s a tough pill to swallow for anyone, but I had to be real, open and honest with myself, because I wanted a deep, long lasting, spiritual change at all costs, not just a change perceptible to those around me. I also wanted God to show me the reason I still clung to the selfish and immature act of self-gratification. God is patient and merciful to show us the righteous path.
That is where the constant surrender of my sexuality to God came into play. There were months even years that I enjoyed freedom from the bondage of pornography and masturbation. Those were months of consistent relationship with God and not so much striving to get it right on my own. This fight to stay clean in a dirty world used to be confined to the public sector, but I find that now, even in my church circles, gay Christian influences are gaining ground. It’s tough enough to fight a battle on the street, but when church ceases to be a place of safety, I feel my resolve weaken. I know this was a bit of a ramble my friends. I am encouraging each of you who feels like giving up to hang on. Trust that God has a plan for you. Read His word daily. Replace the sinful habits that are tearing you down with spiritual habits that allow God to build you up. And last of all, surrender each and every relationship to God for his approval or disapproval. Bad company corrupts good character.
I will close with the first few verses of Psalm 103. 1 Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: 3 Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, 4 Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercies, 5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Your Advice? No Thank You!
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Before we go any further I have to make a disclaimer. I am about to tell you about a harrowing experience that I had today. I don’t need any advice or recommendations. I don’t want to know how you do it or how you would have done it better. This is absolutely one area of life and growth that I am not willing to budge. You’re intrigued now, aren’t you? I must also say that I don’t need your formula or recipes for success in this matter. I am happy to languish in the decadence of my “depravity” when it comes to this particular area of my life. So now that I have said it and you are firmly back beyond the fences of trying to better me with your words and sentiment I can tell you my personal story of woe.
Never again will I be swayed by the following phrase, “Well it is her birthday.” Today my friends, yes this very day, Matthew Aaron Walker found himself staring “straight down the barrel” of a menu…at a vegan restaurant. It was horrific and more harrowing than when I climbed over the fence to recover the dodgeball in the 5th grade and ripped my pants and my left butt cheek on the chain link.
Travel back with me in time. 8 years ago I ate a Vegan hotdog once that I bought from a street vendor in downtown Orlando. His cart looked just like all the rest. There were no warning labels. The food was the same color as all the other hot dog accouterments I had seen before. Halfway through making the hot dog, the guy told me that he had always dreamed of running a business modeled after his beliefs and convictions. It was then that I noticed that the guy looked a bit hippy-ish, wasn’t very well groomed or showered and thought, “You opened up a hot dog stand that would represent the worst parts of the 60’s and Junior High?” Then he said those heart wrenching words that ever red blooded American carnivore loathes to hear.
“IMA VEGGGAAAAANNNNN!”
I heard it drop off his lips and hit my ears like he was telling me I had just won a year's supply of Organic Cow Manure. At that moment I remember my stomach shrinking to the size of small, domestic coin and my tongue going all Mojave Desert on me. The guy must have seen the disappointment on my face, because he apologized that I didn’t know and offered to give me my money back, but in a moment of what can only be measured as blind compassion, I said,
“No. It’s fine. I’ll try it.”
The man’s face brightened and he continued ladling all manner of meatless, tasteless, yet colorful things onto a bun that was two molecules away from straight up cardboard. I walked away holding my False Dog and a sense of adventure that was about to nosedive into Lake Eola with my first bite. You must know that I ate the entire thing. I did. I can’t remember what it tasted like. I can tell you what it didn’t taste like. I promised myself that this would NEVER, EVER happen to ole Mattiewalk again. Did I say NEVER, EVER?
Fast forward to 2014. Here I am, at “No Meat Town” and I find myself ordering from a selection of things like Chickun, Tofurkey and Seitan. SEITAN? That just proves that Veganism is straight outta the pit of Hell. Any dish that includes “Seitan”, prounounced SATAN, as one of the key ingredients is a dead giveaway. Of the many “beverages” available to cleanse my palate were things like Chocolate Soy Milk and Plain Almond Milk. Two questions arise: one, how in the heck do you milk an almond and two HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLAIN ALMOND MILK? A better question would be “Have you ever licked a foot?” (Wrong audience to be asking that to, anyway, I digress.) My point, and there is one, is that I was looking at this menu a little frightened and a little less open minded than I thought I would be, but open to try something new. By the end of the meal, I was full, but my taste buds were no more fooled than that one night when my driving hunger led me to eat a Dirty, Hippy HotDog on Orange Avenue.
I learned a lot today. I will give the “Plant Pasta Land” another try for sure, but the main thing I came away with though is the lesson for the blogosphere for today.
The restaurant I went to looked like any other restaurant. The food looked similar to food I had eaten all my life, with subtle differences here and there. There was a concerted effort to make the meat substitutes look and taste like familiar things I eat every day. As I read about things like Chickun and “burger” patties, I realized that satan, the enemy of our souls does the same things with our spiritual walk. He takes things that we have seen and done forever and puts a casual spin on them; a subtle nuance here and there that leads us just a footstep or two off the path at a time. Just like my experience with the “Hotdog”, we agree to try this new path, after all, it can’t be that bad. Before too long, our decisions have taken us farther off the path than we thought we’d ever go. The first time I tried vegan, my intense hunger led me to try something I had never tried before. Oftentimes, when we have a hunger and drive for love or connection, we are led to do things we might never do if we were fulfilled and satisfied with our lives. The bible says that a man who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even that which is bitter tastes sweet.
I see the same trend happening with gay “christianity” that paved the way for other false religions like Mormonism and Jehovah’s Witnesses and other well known mainstream religions that have people so steeped in dogma and religious routine that they are convinced they are on the right path. Every life altering mistake starts with small steps in the wrong direction. I had no idea that my trip to a Vegan restaurant would spark a late night blogging session. I do know that God is always afoot.
How do we know what is God’s plan for us and what is satan’s plan disguised as religious work? Well quite frankly the same way I knew that “Chickun” and Chicken are nothing alike; EXPERIENCE! For 35+ years my tastebuds have studied and observed the subtle nuances and texture of all things meat. The same way counterfeit specialists study real money in order to identify the fake I knew that the Seitan that I was eating wasn’t real beef, because of my knowledge of the real thing. If you read God’s word, talk to Jesus daily and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you my friend, then you won’t be fooled by false religion or by your own emotions, because you will have steeped your heart in the Wisdom of the Master. No amount of convincing or enticement on the part of the enemy will get you to trade the false for the Genuine Article.
To gay men and women who might read this article, I have a heart to see Jesus become a reality in your life. I lived a life believing that I was born gay and that there was “no other way”. Then I had an encounter with Jesus, where I traded my old, damaged beliefs for the promises of God.
Christians, if your only interaction with the gay community has involved holding a sign of and not clasping your hands in prayer, you don’t have horse in this race. If you aren’t praying for revival in the gay community, but are instead labeling them the enemy, you’ve missed it. “It’s time to stop believing Google and start believing God.” He says that it is not His will that any man (or woman) should perish. Our brothers and sisters in the gay community are daily sitting down to a meal of substitutes. The real thing is only a prayer away. Before you mention their names in judgment, mention their names to the Father.