Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.
The smoke from the SCOTUS is clearing, our Women’s soccer team has World Cup status and the White House is white again. Will life here ever be the same? I wrote my blog about the SCOTUS verdict and went back to doing ministry. I run a pretty non-political ministry to men who desire to walk away from their gay lives. We don’t picket with Westboro or hang out at gay pride parades apologizing for every misspoken, misinterpreted word the church has uttered since the dawn of man. We answer phones and emails and pray for people in the gay community to have a personal encounter with Jesus. At Big Fish Ministry, we’ve decided to serve the gay community by storming the coffee shops not the courthouses.
I attend Illuminate Church. This past Sunday, Pastor Ed preached on Peace. It wasn’t a feel good message, but it was freakin’ awesome. I found myself under the same, moral microscope many Christians use on the rest of the world. Lately, God has been leading me to change my approach to the conversation of homosexuality. He is challenging me to enter the discussion at a different level than the world expects from Christians; promoting a dialogue of redemption, rather than accusation. Pastor Ed’s message confirmed God’s leading. “If you can’t bring peace to a situation,” he said, “then maybe you should take yourself out of the situation.” Thumper, of Disney’s Bambi has this to say: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” A paraphrase of author and speaker Bob Hamp says ‘we need to be thoughtful before adding our voice to the noise.’ As Christians what we say about homosexual sin may be 100% scripturally true, but sharing the message like 100% Jerks, allows our bad attitude, not the love of Jesus, to be what people remember.
Growing up, I was “the good son”; the rule follower. I often did “the right thing” to avoid punishment and gain praise, rather than to simply be obedient. I was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. This skewed obedience gave rise to a “holier than thou” attitude. I secretly resented the rules, but I was afraid to break them. I developed a jealousy and resentment for the “rule breaker” closest to me, my brother. My desire to partake in adventure with the rule breakers was far outweighed by the expectation to “follow the rules”. Later in life, my allegiance to “rightness” would cause me to erect impenetrable walls of scriptural TRUTH between those lost in sin and God’s GRACE. I see now that my “good” intentions served to keep people from Jesus rather than lead them to Him. God often reminds of this: God’s grace was the lens through which I first glimpsed the truth of Jesus love for me.
Someone once said that Truth and Grace are like the wings of a bird. Acting in tandem they take the bird to the highest heights. Take one away and the bird will never leave the ground.
A friend who wasn’t particularly pleased with my calm response to the legalization of gay marriage frantically posed the question, “What if the government tries to shutdown your ministry and tells you that you can’t say that homosexuality is a sin.” My answer was simple.
“I guess I’ll just tell people about Jesus then. And when that is deemed illegal, I’ll start a prison ministry.” My answer, tinged with sarcasm and truth, is devoid of panic and steeped in reality. If you stick your hand in a piranha’s mouth and are surprised when they bite you, that isn’t the piranha’s fault pumpkin. God is not surprised that “the lost” are acting…well…lost. We shouldn’t be either. What we should be doing is preparing for the day when everything our unsaved friends have turned to for answers, denies them the rapture they seek. If we have loved them well, they’ll be more apt to listen to the truth about Jesus, than if we had tried to force feed them “God” when their appetite was for something a little more devilish.
I could let every bad political decision turn me into that red-faced, angry guy with the veiny forehead, and bad attitude. Will that ever communicate the heart of Jesus? Jesus washed the disciple’s feet. Peter cut off a man’s ear with his sword. What is a better way to further God’s kingdom: humbly serving or wielding a sword?
One of my neighbor’s yards was looking a little Oscar the Grouch-ish: green, disheveled and angry. She was going through “SOME STUFF”. I texted, to see if we could mow her lawn. She said “Yes”. When she answered her door, gratitude and exhaustion were equally palpable. “These other neighbors should be ashamed of themselves. You’re the first one who has even bothered to call in six months.” Some people had called the HOA and Code Enforcement to report her unkempt yard. Not one neighbor had called to check on her. Instead of choosing to serve, they chose to wield their swords to insure her compliance, rather than their lawnmowers to restore her dignity.
A few days later she texted that our one simple act of service had caused a ripple effect. Her self-esteem had returned. She wasn’t embarrassed to play in the yard with her kids. Her desire to connect with God returned. A family member showed up to help, after feeling so convicted because someone outside the family helped and they had not. In the end, Christopher and I, simply stepped up to kneel down and extend a hand beyond the mess to the person buried beneath the rubble.
My mom was always fond of combatting my poopy attitudes with “you get more flies with honey than you do with buttermilk”. She also said, “make sure the words you say today are soft. You might be eating them tomorrow”. My dad was the chief engineer of the rescue operation that traversed the borders of Hell in order to bring me back to the land of the living. My dad prayed daily for me, even when I didn’t want it. He reached out to me in love, even when I was a hot, vitriolic mess. My father served as a missionary to the gay community by simply loving me unconditionally. He started a fire in me for the gay community that God later confirmed with Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…”.
The Holy Spirit is leading me to approach the conversation on homosexuality from a redemptive perspective. Like my father, I am choosing to humbly engage the lost, the broken and wounded men and women of the gay community. Always remembering that my past bears a striking resemblance to their daily existence.
The only hope for either of us is Jesus. Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.
Decade of Growth
On the Sunday after the SCOTUS ruling, my pastor at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida started off his message with a response. I wasn't sure what he was going to say, but I knew that it would be well thought out, grace filled and built for the future. My pastor is Tim Ingram: Husband, Father, Hero. He isn't the first pastor my church has had. In fact, illuminate church is not even the first name our church has had. Two men have come before Tim. Two church names preceded that. I have attended my current church for 10+ years. Let's just say that my first "set down get to know you" meeting with Tim Ingram wasn't pretty. I was a bitter, angry little man, looking for someone to blame for the hurt I had experienced at the hand of men in the church. Tim agreed to meet me at Cracker Barrel. If it didn't go well, at least I had comfort food to soothe my soul. He listened to my story, fielded my complaints and answered my questions. I left that meeting with my explosive emotions defused, because of his compassion, patience and kind heart. My language that day was not becoming of a Christian man. I might have even caused a few sailors to blush. I wasn't concerned about how he received what I had to say that day. But in all honesty, isn't that what hurt does. It sears our conscience and leads us down a path of destruction.
The truth was that I just needed to be heard by a man in the church. I needed to know that someone, anyone still cared that I was in pain. I didn't need him to fix anything for me, I just needed to be acknowledged. Tim showed me the grace and peace of Jesus that day. I left our meeting knowing that illuminate church would be my church home and that I would follow Tim as my leader.
So many names come to mind when I think of the men at illuminate Church who have shaped my life as a Christian and as a man. Joe Saragusa, my first pastor in Celebration. He told me that if I had a dream for ministry to the gay community, his dream was 5000 times bigger. Garret Balcitis, a youth pastor who taught me how to lead kids to Jesus. He believed in me when I couldn't do that for myself. Bronson Moore, who loved me through all my many phases and faces. And though he was younger than me, God used his wisdom to mold and shape my leadership. Ed Arnold, our Executive pastor who has stood the test of time, loved me when I was unlovable, and who shares his porch, his life, his family and his house with me every time I have a need. Andre Anderson. Nelson Deskins. Bill Nance. Tears are welling up in my eyes, because the list is endless. God has used these men to restore to me the meaning of father, brother, companion, comrade and friend. There was a point where I looked for men in the gay community to complete me or give my life meaning and purpose. I was always left wanting. With Illuminate Church, God has answered the cry of my heart for a place to belong, to be heard, to matter and a place to heal. The men that God has brought through my little church in the past 10 years have time and time again, been the face of Jesus.
I am taking this opportunity to share the message Tim preached on Sunday through the podcast. At Illuminate church we welcome all types. Men like me who have left homosexuality. Men like me who use colorful language a little more than I should. And men and women, who like me who don't always get it right, but try once agiain each morning with the sunrise. If you live in the Orlando area please join us at 10 a.m. on Sundays in Celebration, Florida at Celebration High School in the auditorium.
If you don't live around here and just need a little encouragement, feel free to listen to the podcasts at www.illuminateChurchFL.com
The Father's Call
My life as a little boy was always spent on the run, guarding myself from hurt. I grew up with three very strong personalities: mom, dad and my brother. I spent a lot of time alone, being quiet and constructing a private world where I felt safe. Mom was the smotherer. Dad was the strict disciplinarian. Brother was unpredictable and generated fear in me at every turn. When I finally left my childhood home, there was a lot of living and a lot of conversation to catch up on.
As I have said before, I don’t believe anyone is born gay. I believe boys are born “Sensitive, Artistic and Creative”. This exposes them to pain and hurt. They have their emotions crushed very easily and are then susceptible to the lies of the enemy that says they were born different. Eventually, through small developmental steps, these boys are led to believe they are “born gay.” The seeds planted in my heart as young man were nourished by feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I grew up to be a fearful adult, confused and very comfortable being alone. There was a lot of pain to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. A therapist once described the homosexual side of my life as my minds way of coming up with an entirely different lifestyle to manage my pain.
I didn’t have much a relationship with my father until I was about 27. I had distanced myself from my father at an early age. He scared me. He wasn’t as sweet and nice as mom. He made us attend church and was a lot less emotional than. We clashed…a lot. Many boys who develop homosexual tendencies suffer from that same disconnect with dad at an early age. My disconnect left me with feelings of being lost and bewildered. I spent the rest of my life looking for a father figure or another man to love me and give me a sense of value.
When I returned to Jesus at the close of 1998, God restored my relationship with my father. It wasn’t immediately perfect. It took a lot of willingness and work. There were emotional bumps and bruises. We both had to lovingly forgive each other. I let satan drive a wedge in between my father and I for far too long. Through my own stubbornness, I let satan led me into homosexuality, cheat me out of a relationship with my father and then convince me that my father didn’t love me. I learned to serve God by watching my father serve others. I remembered his stories of being led by the Holy Spirit to stop by people’s houses and share the gospel. My dad was my first spiritual hero. He was the one that paved the way to the gospel, even as I was telling him I could care less. He would often pray in the living room of my childhood home until 3 am for my brother and I. He lifted my name up to God until I was ready to call on the name of God myself. One of my greatest hopes for young gay men who struggle with homosexuality today is that they have praying fathers. I pray for restoration with their fathers. I pray that restoration leads them into relationship with their heavenly father.
No matter how full of holes my relationship with my dad is, his words will always help restore me when the world attacks me with theirs. Our heavenly Father’s words have that same healing power my friends. God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that there is no place that you can go that is beyond his reach. There is freedom from homosexuality. I celebrate it daily. Don’t let the lies of the enemy determine your fate. God has a purpose and a plan for you beyond the scope of homosexuality.
In the next few weeks, I will be stepping into full time ministry. My plan is to share Jesus Christ and the truth about homosexuality with as many as will listen. My father has been walking this journey with me. Dad called today to tell me that I was courageous. He said I was courageous for going against the grain and quitting my job to reach the gay community with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have waited my whole life for those powerful words of affirmation from him. What an amazing day! He shared the following scriptures with me as well. Yay God!
Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread.”
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.”