Heavy Breather
When I first visited Colorado, it was after living in the lowlands of Oklahoma for 14 years. On top of Pike’s Peak, I found myself gasping for air every few breaths. It was a simple problem that eventually passed. Yet, in the beginning each gasp for air brought on panic and anxiety. Breathing was something I had taken for granted. Something I never had to think about. Then one day, I decided to climb a mountain. After God formed Adam from the dust of the earth, the bible says in Genesis 2:7, “the LORD God breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” Adam’s first breath was on loan from God. It says that God breathed into Adam’s nostrils. I think about the CPR and first aid training I’ve had. Sure glad the Red Cross doesn’t perform CPR according to scripture. Can you imagine waking up to someone’s mouth firmly clasped over your nose? It would sure make movie drowning rescues a tad less romantic.
Our weekly life group lesson dealt with another kind of “breath of life”. I felt a little like Neo in the Matrix, wandering down the rabbit hole as God began to draw parallels between His breath of life for Adam and our breath of life for people. God began to unpack multiple life lessons in my head, with more twists and turns than a Game of Thrones Finale. When the dust settled, my knees were bent, my heart ached and I knew I had to consider each word carefully from here on out.
What did God teach me about the heavy consequences of my breath? He says that the tongue holds the power of life and death. Our words can lift people up or break them down. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…”. Matthew 15:11 says that the stuff that comes out of our mouths defiles us.
God knows our infinite need for reminders along our journey on earth. That is why he consistently lays a trail of bread crumbs back to Genesis throughout the bible. He wants us to remember that first Divine breath that brought life to Adam. He challenges us to in turn to breathe life into those around us.
1 Peter 1:16 “because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” Once again God uses scripture to say, if you wanna be like me you gotta act like me. He says I have good intentions, you should, too. I gave life with My breath. Give life with yours. Jesus tells us that if we believe in Him, we will do the works He was doing, and we will do even greater works than He did. We may not have God’s super powers, but we can be super powerful if we have God.
James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth comes praise and cursing…this should not be.” I am convicted by this scripture, every time I unleash a verbal barrage of anger and disdain on tourists inside my car in traffic. I reminded of my selfish nature when someone says something that hits the “I’m Offended Lobe” in my brain and I go off.
As I contemplated this week’s lesson: think before you speak and distribute grace, not judgment with your mouth, I caught a glimpse of creation in my mind. God’s hands were still dusty from forming Adam from the ground. He was bent low over Adam, perhaps admiring His work. Then I imagine God taking in a deep breath, knowing full well the great good and bad of which Adam was capable. Knowing full well that Adam could choose to love Him or not, He never paused, He never stopped to reconsider.
He just breathed.
God chose to give life regardless of what Adam might choose or deserve. God challenged me in that moment to make the same choice. To love freely. To give life with every breath. God may have breathed life into Adam’s nostrils, but He is calling us to breathe life into the ears of the rest of creation.
Let me be; that Man
Each morning, many members of the family of illuminate church read the same devotional from wherever they find themselves on the planet. The devotion is the brainchild of Pastor Wayne Cordero and can be found here: www.lifejournal.cc. We are currently reading selections from the book of Numbers, which, I know sounds about as riveting as having a root canal with no anesthetic. BUT...I found this awesome nugget from God today.
So his guy named Balaam, yes the same Balaam with the talking Donkey, was being paid to put a curse Israel. However, each time Balaam opened his mouth, God led him to bless Israel, which really angered the guy paying him to curse Israel. On the third try, the Spirit of God came over Balaam and he began a third and final blessing with these words.
Numbers 24:3b-4 "The utterance of the man whose eyes are opened, the utterance of him who hears the words of God, who sees the vision of the Almighty, who falls down , with eyes wide open."
Here was my prayer to God after reading this scripture. "I pray that I am that man. That my eyes be opened and no longer shrouded in fear. That my ears would be open to everything God is speaking and not just the things that I want to hear God say. That I have a taste and a desire for God's ultimate plan. That I remain humble in HIs presence and obedient to His call on my life, His vision for man and reverent to His name and vast resumé." I pray that for each of you right now. Each of you as the man or woman that God created you to be. God still has a plan for you.
Remember these people: 1) the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8, 2) the man crippled since birth in Acts 14, 3) the 10 lepers of Luke 17, 4) a beggar named Blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10, 5) the paralytic man of Mark 2 whose friends lowered him through the roof .
And finally this guy 6) The man in John 5 at the pool of Bethesda was sick for thirty-eight years.
Jesus saw this guy lying there. Jesus knew that he had been in that condition a long time. Jesus says to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”
How many times have you said, “I can’t", "I don’t know how", "There’s no way”.
Jesus has come to say to us: "I know what you struggle with", "I know how long you have struggled with it", and "I’m not interested in your excuses and your explanations".
I just want to know one thing, “Do you want to be made well?”
Father God, I ask that you encourage every Christian who desires a closer walk with You today. Give them ears to hear what You are speaking to them and over them. Give them a vision for Your perfect will. Lead them into a deeper relationship with You. Amen.
Jesus: Expletive, Weapon or Freedom
About a month ago, I celebrated the 17th anniversary of the day I walked away from homosexuality. There were no cakes, no banners or brightly colored, celebratory paraphenalia; only the amazing recollection of the day that Jesus became something more to me than a crass expression used by irreverently or the weaponized tool of manipulation used by religious zealots. Jesus Christ. What a powerful name! Jesus' life and ministry was the fulfillment of many prophecies in the Old Testament. During those cold moments at the close of 1998 and the cessation of my sexual escapades, Jesus fulfilled one scripture for me above all else. Proverbs 18:24- "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." A friend that sticks closer than a brother. I had lived a life virtually spitting in the face of Jesus, but at the end of my rebellion He was standing there saying "Welcome Back". Back to reality. Back to His will. Back to life. The Walking Dead, though science fiction, was my reality for 2 decades. I spent my life focused on getting beyond the difficult junk in order to get to the good stuff on the other side. Good stuff was forever elusive. Life had become a vast swamp and I wandered endlessly, pursuing an ever changing destination. Conversely, the Old Testament account of Joseph speaks of thriving in difficulty. Joseph was sold into slavery, stolen from his father and imprisoned on false charges. Yet he consistently gave glory and praise to God, rather than moping about. He thrived, because he was surrendered to God. It was said of Joseph in Genesis 41:38 "Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom is the Spirit of God?" As I wandered through the desert of my dysfunction, I repeatedly said 'No Thanks God', blaming my misfortune on Him. Joseph's peace in time of trouble was always something of an illusion to me.
As a young, gay man I wielded words like weapons. I made sport of being angry, bitter and offensively witty. In restrospect, it's clear those aren't Christlike attributes. But to my young, gay mind, tainted by the deceptive beliefs of: "abandoned by God" and "hated by Christians", words were a source of survival. So much of the scripture lately lends support to choosing Jesus over sin of any kind. There are benefits to serving the One Master, Jesus, over the other master, our broken sexuality.
My father's effective and powerful prayers and growing up in a church bathed in scripture, are the two main reasons I was able to leave homosexuality and stay away. In my own ministry, I have realized that I don't pray for people nearly as much as my father did for me. God is not bringing young men to me so I can tell them to behave. God is bringing men into my life who struggle so that I can reiterate the fact that Jesus is the answer to what ails them. The Holy Spirit revisited that idea a few weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning. "Just tell them about Jesus," he said. It's always been about Jesus and will always be about Jesus. There is no other name under heaven by which a man can be saved. I pondered these thoughts yesterday, as I sat across the table from a young man who had just told me he was on the verge of making a huge decision. He was deciding between living a life for God or going headlong into the gay life. This was no easy decision for him. And no easy confession. I have been in this young man's life for a little over a year. I've seen him victorious over sin one day and giving into it entirely the next. Keep in mind. He never came right out and said, I plan on screwing up my life forever by leaving my wife and family behind in order to live as who I truly am. He is tormented by the decision, but he sees no other way.
As a Christian who struggles with homosexual desires I understand his pain. What struck my heart the most was one of the reasons he said he was giving up and going into the gay life. He said it would just make things easier. To which I replied, "For whom?". I read in scripture today about serving two masters. While it is primarily used as a sermon on serving God or money, it speaks volumes to a principle I alluded to earlier; choosing one master to serve. The bible says that no servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon. -Luke 16:13. As I chatted with my friend, I could indeed see the fork in the road where he was standing. The road on the left was an easy, short journey through life followed by a tormented, infinite journey into hell. The path on the right was narrow and winding, filled with hardship for a time filled with an eternity with a loving God. My friend had spent the bulk of his life stuck between gay and God, taking on the feel good parts of Christianity and the exciting parts of his gay life, while never fully committing to either. It was the proverbial life of living on the fence. One which the New Testament describes God as saying, and I am paraphrasing, be hot or cold, because you will never amount to any good as a lukewarm, fence dweller; spiritual limbo if you will.
Conversations like this are frequent in "ex-gay" ministry. After the death of Exodus International and the onslaught of government, approved gay marriage, many have lost sight of the truth of scripture. Many have lost the will to fight. While perusing Facebook last week I read a post that hit like a gut punch. No it wasn't "Hillary 2016". The post said simply, "Here is a picture of my beautiful wife." Those words were uttered by a friend I used to attend church with and minister alongside. That friend's name is Lisa. Daily, I see the casualties of homosexual sin and desire. I don't hate homosexual sin for all the preconceived Christian reasons. I hate the idea that the people I know and love are surrendering themselves to a life where they will be chewed up, spit out and disrespected. A world where Jesus is neither honored nor exalted. At the end of the day though, they are subject to the laws of the land we chose to live in. They may be submitting themselves willingly, but I know the realistic pull of sexual sin. It sets in at an early age and steals away a person's youth and life experience.
I see now why my father spent so many nights on his knees in prayer before God. His heart ached for the lost, as mine does now. If you find yourself at the same crossroads as my friend, please reach out before you make a life altering decision. If you have someone in your life who is about to succumb to the pressures of sexual desire and temptation, please don't stop praying for that person. Though I have traveled to Alaska, Australia and beyond to share Jesus with whomever would listen, I found myself defeated in my own backyard. For a moment I gave up on my friend. The thought crossed my mind that I was so tired of losing friends to homosexuality. Later that night I repented for giving up so easily and prayed earnestly for the life of my friend and other sons and daughters. I asked God to remind satan that he's been defeated. I went to battle for lives that truly matter and souls with whom I want to spend an eternity in heaven.
Jesus was fully a man. Jesus is fully God. And where I get it wrong and build expectations and hurdles for people, He builds a bridge. You can know Jesus today, too. He doen't ask you to clean yourself up before you come to Him. He simply invites you to come. If you are struggling today at the crossroads, there is freedom from homosexuality, but most importantly, there is life in Jesus Christ. I am living proof.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 - 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed,you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
My Church, My Friend and Your Heart
So my friend James is a real God Save the Queen Brit. I worked with him at Sea World for 15 years. We were hired the same year. Over the years we had our share of knockdown, drag out, screaming matches. With his accent his arguing points always sound a bit more enlightened. Then in a few days, we’d both get our knickers unstuck and be on about the business of training animals. Though we had more than our fair share of misunderstandings, we also shared a great deal of laughter. I consider him one of the great takeaways of my Sea World career. He frequently calls and shares a chat with me on his drive home. I always know James is about home, because Facetime shuts off and Siri quietly displays the words “poor connection”. On the odd occasion when I get to see James again, it’s always with a big hug and grateful heart. He’s one of the most amazing animal trainers you’d ever hope to meet. James also happens to be a carpenter, a barber, a dancer, a pilot, a doting father, and a loving husband to Marie. In the emotional makeup of my life, James is a lifer. But we’ve experienced a few other “poor connections” over the years.
I remember that there were times James would ask me religious questions. There were times when he stated his opinion about the church. One particular occasion I was eating lunch. I had microwaved my food, sat down at the table and prayed over my meal. When I finished, James looked across the table and said, “Doesn’t He know that your food is getting cold?” I think he then gestured toward the sky. I explained that a 30 second prayer wouldn’t be long enough for my food to go cold. We both had a good laugh over that one.
On another occasion, James begin asking me about my church and what we did for the homeless, the community, etc.. He voiced his opinion that it should be the churches role to help everyone in need. Although I was in complete agreement, I think I went on the defensive for the whole of Christianity. I felt like the church can’t solely be expected to provide everything to everyone. I felt it leaves a wide margin of error for the church to “disappoint” and “disillusion” one more person regarding God.
I am reminded of this conversation with James, because Illuminate Church, my church, is the kind of giving church that James spoke about. Heck, our church even gives out bibles on Sunday if people don’t have one and need one. Our church serves the community and the schools in the community where we are located. We attend homeless food and clothing drives. My church donates a monthly stipend to the ministry that I direct as well. The men and women of Illuminate Church are the hands and feet of God that my friend James was speaking of that day. Once a year, the women of the church gather together with their friends to collect a bazillion gift cards for a benevolence fund for the following year. One of the ladies at church heads up a coat and shoe drive for impoverished kids up North. When it comes to serving people, we have people chomping at the bit to help.
I have attended this church for the better part of 10 years. What I love the most about the church is that we have a pastor and a pastoral staff that preach the word of God straight from the bible. You might think, “Don’t all churches do that?” The honest answer would be no. Some are more like bars and restaurants where they cater to what the patrons want. Our church is more like a hospital where the sick come to meet Jesus and those who have been healed or helped are rolling up their sleeves and pitching in to imitate Jesus and be about their Father’s business.
I found hope, healing and community among good Christian men as I was continuing my walk towards Jesus and away from homosexuality. If you have an opinion about church that has kept you away from church, like my friend James, set that aside this week and join us at Illuminate Church. The decision to attend a little church in Celebration, Florida long ago, eventually became a church I have called home for 10 years.
My church is more than just a building. It’s a family of people who make sure that new people don’t feel new very long. My church is a hug and fun fact from my friends Linda and Doug. It’s a word of advice and encouragement from Judy. A worship experience led by people who worship even when they aren’t on stage. We give, so that we can give back. It’s pastors who write their sermons from the bible not from the headlines. It’s a place where Jesus is mentioned frequently and the Holy Spirit is welcome. If God has been speaking to about church, find ours or start your search for the one nearest to you. Don’t let your emotions cheat you out of what your heart really needs.
Remembering My Mom
My relationship with my mom was a hard fought battle. Nothing about it was easy. Over the years we shed more tears than a Miss Universe crowning. I was a shy, sensitive kid. She was born to an emotionally distant, angry alcoholic who believed that “girls can’t work so they are a waste of food.” My mom was gifted with a sensitive caring heart, but it was repeatedly crushed in the harsh reality of her world. She grew up simultaneously fearing men, but falling in love with my dad. They were married 38 years. When my relationship with her was good, we shared an emotional synergy capable of changing the world. When it was bad, we inflicted heart damage on each other that we’d never recover from until her death. Around Christmas of 2011, God called me home to check on mom and dad. I knew He was calling me home, but I didn’t know why. Christmas day unceremoniously came and went. Mom had spent the last two years living in her recliner in the living room. She had simply checked out of life and honestly seemed to be waiting on God to take her home. My mom had always struggled with Bi-polar disorder, but tried hard to hide it from my brother and I. She wasn’t always successful. I grew up afraid of her.
Christmas 2011 was difficult at best. Conversations were sparse and strained, if at all. I spent many days occupying the couch opposite my mother’s makeshift fortress from which she watched the life stories and adventures of the people in her chosen community play out on TV. I still had no idea what God was up to. Most days I felt like a rescue diver desperately scanning for signs of life in the “murky waters” of what remained of my relationship with my mother. Then hope surfaced.
During one of our marathon TV stints, mom asked me to pray for her. This was completely unexpected. As I knelt at her feet, I was immediately nervousness. What should I pray? I finished my prayer and we settled back in until the next day. Once again she asked for prayer. I was freaking out. What was this about God?
The following day I prayed over my mother again; a few minutes she would be gone. The events of that day were burned into my head with a white, hot laser. The prayer that day was straight up spiritual warfare. I believe my mother was tormented by demons her whole life. The Holy Spirit and I seemed to be alone in that belief. I prayed in tongues. I prayed in the name of Jesus taking no notice of the people in the room. During the prayer she stopped fighting me and slumped into her chair, a look of peace on her face.
My mom was plagued with anger, sadness, bitterness and unforgiveness. It would eventually choke the life out of her sensitive heart. I believe she lost the will to live. She had resigned herself to that recliner after resigning from life. She was addicted to prescription drugs. Her counselor was worthless and instead of getting my mom off the few drugs she was on, only succeeded in putting her on many additional medications. At the end of the day, my mom’s heart simply gave out.
Growing up, my family hid every aspect of their lives; not just the private stuff. I grew up watching relatives stuff every tear, trial and emotion so deep that even satan himself had trouble finding it. When I left home, I refused to live a life of quiet desperation, beyond the borders of true community. My mother died quietly; sequestered in silence, because someone somewhere painted emotions as a weakness. I now know that emotions are a gift from God that give life perspective. I wish to honor my mother’s memory, learn from her mistakes and the mistakes of others that sent her down the wrong path.
My mother was a culinary seamstress, weaving the tastiest tapestries of sugar, butter and Crisco and wielded bleach with reckless abandon against every strain of bacteria known to man. She would occasionally sneak a piece of Colby Jack Cheese into her bedroom late at night and subsequently fall asleep before eating it, leaving it to harden and get lost under her pillow, only to be found later. She screamed, cried and laughed in equal amounts and taught me that every hurt could be mended with cookies, bacon or a whole mess of fried potatoes. Above all else, I know she loved me.
There are days I wish I could have done more to show her how much she impacted my life. Days I miss her beyond belief. I know at the end of her life I served and honored her well. As I stood by her hospital bed 4 years ago in a cold, dimly lit room, I thanked her for giving me the life she never had. I thanked her for naming me Aaron and challenging me to be a voice in the world. I tried my hardest to remember the good she did and forget the bad she never meant to do. Ultimately I thanked her for her sacrificial life and said goodbye one last time.
Beltway Meltdown
Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.
One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.
I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked. The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.
Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.
The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.
God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.
People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.
After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.
No one...deserves my anger.
Vomit, Dancing and a 4 a.m. Wakeup Call
Ever so often I ask a friend to write a guest blog to share with my readers. Here is a guest blog from a friend of mine named Samuel. He writes a blog which you can read at www.BrotherBarr.wordpress.com. Here is a little of Samuel's story and journey so far. I want to take you on a journey, hoping you will arrive at the same place of freedom I did. The journey isn’t pleasant, but it was what I needed to open my eyes and heart to my dire need for God and His saving grace. I wish I could say that it will be the last journey through darkness that I will ever take. Only God knows for sure. Nevertheless, I do know that going through the darkness with God is nowhere near as lonely and scary as it was going through it without Him. That was my life before I accepted Christ as my savior. It was definitely the loneliest and darkest time of my life.
This journey began 8 years after my salvation. I was living out the Proverbs 26:11 life once again, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” Doing the very things I did not want to do. Can you relate? Paul could. Romans 7:19 ”For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” I had recently returned from Georgia where I was a part of a ministry that helps people deal with hurts, habits and hang-ups. I was living a blessed, simple life of serving God and loving it. Unfortunately, I had already begun to backslide and reopen doors to the enemy. Hindsight always gives us 20/20 vision. If I had only drawn close to God and stayed authentically connected to healthy people, I could have saved myself, and my loved ones a lot of heartache and pain. Instead, I ran back to Florida.
I returned to Florida to care for my mother who was having some health issues. At least that is what it looked like to everyone else. I knew I was already running full steam away from God and His plan for my life. Reminds me of Jonah 1:3 “But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD.” My emphasis added. I have heard it put this way. When we choose to run from the Lord, the enemy will make sure we have transportation and it always cost us. My ship was my mom and the fare I paid was my peace and freedom. It wasn't long before I was dancing around the enemy's campfire, once again. Every demon that had been evicted returned with a vengeance, and brought buddies. Sound familiar? Luke 11:26 “Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.” Gratefully, it was only a year before God's mercy and grace brought me to repentance, yet again, but the damage was done: physical, financial, mental and spiritual damage as well. This was Spring of 2010.
Later that Spring my mom and I decided, for various reasons, to relocate from Tampa Bay to Ft. Myers. Most importantly were my brother and his family. They could offer some emotional support for my mother and I while I restarted the process of working on my issues. I also had a great church and recovery family, which I had established back in 2007 prior to moving to Georgia. There were so many blessings in moving to Ft. Myers, but it would be some time before I would begin to see them and accept them as God's grace and protection.
I was blind to the blessings for a few reasons. Some I was aware of while others were hidden and deeply rooted. One major reason was the hope that being Christian and gay was ok in God's eyes. The truth was that as long as I held on to this or anything that God had asked me to surrender, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I wasn’t living by His word. God is always faithful to His Word, every part of it. I am called to be faithful to every part, as well, even the parts I don't understand or agree with. Despite my disobedience He was patient and continued to love me. That is what He does. Deep in my heart I knew that being Christian and gay was not part of God's plan for my life. Ever have that feeling about a particular sin yet still try to rationalize it away? Have you truly ever searched your heart, or asked God to? Psalm 139:23-24a “Search me O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me.” If we are serious about living a life that is pleasing to God then we have to pray those exact words and mean it. I know I did.
God continued to speak to me regarding the junk I was holding on to. One night in 2010, before moving to Ft Myers, near the end of a relapse, we were visiting my brother. What you may not know about my relapses is that they involved addiction to Meth, a.k.a. the “devil’s drug”. Coming down from a relapse means restoring order to the chaos of my destructive behaviors: insomnia and a diet of water and candy. The restoration involves multiple hours of sleeping with brief moments of waking and eating. Then quickly returning to sleep. I needed my sleep. I loved my sleep. So I knew that it was God that woke me up at 4 a.m. one morning and spoke these words to me, “Sam, you make so much of your struggle. I am not concerned as much about your struggle as I am about you.” It was a simple, yet profound statement.
It would take another 4 years before I would grasp the totality of that statement. If I could only focus on God as much as I was focusing on my sin, then God could do what He promised and I could begin to walk in His freedom. I had become so blinded by pride that the lies I believed became truth for me. If I could have only gotten my eyes off myself, my sin and the world and fixed them back on Jesus, I could have taken hold of the promises in His word. The only thing that got my eyes off myself, was hitting rock bottom again and again. Have you hit your rock bottom yet?
In February 2014, I found myself hitting rock bottom a fourth time since relocating to Ft. Myers. It had been over a year since the last relapse. This time it was darker and deeper. I found myself living in my car, by my choice, eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking ginger ale. I walked away from a successful career, friends and family that loved me, a great apartment and many blessings. It is still hard for me to believe how blinded by lies I had become. All God was asking me to do was trust and surrender to His plan for my life. Looking back now, He wasn't asking that much. Why I thought for a minute that my way was better or that the world had something better to offer is beyond me. What lies do you still believe? Do you believe that your way is better than God's? Or that the world has something better to offer?
Thankfully, today, I find myself learning to live wholly surrendered. Trusting Him fully is still a daily struggle, but I am learning to do so moment-by-moment, struggle-by-struggle. I am doing my best to seek God first. I ask Him daily to guide me, to search my heart and help me see things from His perspective. Not only do I know, with my head, but I also believe, with my heart, that God has a plan for my life. I confidently believe that God is taking the chaos of my struggles, pains and hurts and using my gifts and talents to create a beautiful symphony of purpose.
Are you ready to begin your journey of freedom?
Jesus. nothing else matters.
In the middle of cooking my dinner last night, the Holy Spirit brought a guy to mind and simply said you need to check on him now. I’ve experienced this Holy Spirit inkling before, but had not experienced in awhile. Anyway, I sent the guy a text. The first return text simply said, “Ummm”. The next few texts proved that it was indeed the Holy Spirit’s voice I’d heard and not just my own inner monolgue. My friend was arranging an intimate encounter with another guy, when he received my text. I shared my Holy Spirit prompting with him. I also let him know that he had the chance to stop the encounter; that the Holy Spirit was looking out for him. My friend’s exact words were, “It’s amazing how I can ignore the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but a text is hard to ignore.” Interesting. When we ignore the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit, sometimes He “phones a friend”. There were a few more texts that evening, but no deep conversation. A voice text in the morning confirmed what I already felt in my spirit. Despite the warnings, my friend decided not to take the escape route and went ahead with the encounter with the guy.
Before you judge my friend, ask yourself, “Have I ever been there before?” The place where your flesh and your mind conspire to write a script and your body acts it out. That doesn’t absolve us of responsibility. It simply shows us that when we are caught up in our addictions we need supernatural help to break free.
I get lots of calls for help. Some guys are seeking God’s wisdom and some are simply seeking comfort in the moment. It is always a chance to practice humility. If I am simply compassionate, taking their woes on my shoulders, I make myself responsible for meeting their needs. In essence, I become their god. Where the humility comes into play, is realizing that only God can meet their need. I can get an emotional high from helping them, but I am really the only one benefitting. Every phone call should be centered on Jesus and steeped in God’s word. Every conversation should end in prayer. Colossians 3:16 “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit…”. If someone’s problems come to rest on my ego, then nothing eternal is accomplished.
When we neglect to factor Jesus into the equation of our lives, things just don’t add up. Jesus says it this way, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5. In short, we were built to be in relationship with the King of the Universe. Without the Word of God, without fully relying on Jesus, the struggle to break free from sin is done in our own strength. God gives us the strength to walk away. He also cuts the ‘rubber bands’ that keep yanking us back into sin when we’ve reached our limit.
We may have been survivor’s all our life. We may have been the most independent and reliable people on the planet. The veritable Kings of our Castle, but once we say yes to Jesus we must begin the process of surrendering all our “control” over to Him.
I have met many people who’ve said they tried to walk out of homosexuality and it didn’t work. So they stopped trying. Jesus is not something you test drive like a car. He’s a ‘someone’ you continually, diligently pursue for the rest of your life. James 4:8 says that if we draw close to God, He will draw close to us. More often than not those who’ve tried and failed are doing it in their own strength. Jesus never gets full control of their lives, but He definitely gets all the blame when SSA feelings don’t go away. It isn’t fair. To God? To the struggler? To the people that they will influence?
That being said, this is my official resignation letter. I hereby abdicate my right to the throne as King over my domain and destiny. I hereby resign as the King over anyone else’s as well. I humbly take on the duty of letting my life and my words lead people to Jesus; the person who helped me with my brokenness. The Cross of Christ; where “simply existing” ends and real life begins.
It is my greatest desire to point you to Jesus. He is the only reason I have walked in freedom from the sin of homosexuality. Jesus is the only reason that my same sex attractions never truly solidified into a gay identity. If you are leaning on anything other than Jesus, then I lovingly say you have it wrong. If you are allowing your pride and independence to stand between you and fully surrendering your life to Jesus, you are missing out. If we are not fully relying on Jesus for everything, then we are destined for disappointment. Doomed to tread the same, circular rut, over and over wondering why progress seems so elusive.
Jesus says this, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” -John 14:6.
Jesus also said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” -Matthew 16:24. David Crowder says it this way. “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Lord, I want to go to heaven, but I don’t want to die. Though I long for the day when I have new birth. Still I love livin’ here on earth.”
Luke:14:26 "If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.” Jesus isn’t literally saying to hate anyone. He is simply saying that we are to love Him more than our family and even our very lives. He is saying that He is to be our main influence in this life. Jesus was able to put God’s will before His sexuality. We should hold ourselves to the same standard.
During the years after I walked away from homosexuality, I struggled with doing the right thing. I lived righteously. I lived carnally; like the tides, my spiritual life ebbed and flowed. I knew the bible didn’t support the theology of gay “christianity”, to which I had once subscribed, but I was having trouble reconciling my beliefs and broken sexuality. Eventually, I found Galatians 5:16 “…Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” The bible was basically saying that if I pursued a walk with God, then I could find freedom from my gay life.
I was a few months into my walk with God, when I felt God calling me into a deeper relationship with Him. I had spent 10 years doing my own thing, with my whole heart. It was time to follow God with the same kind of reckless abandon. I didn’t want to be like any of the people Jesus mentioned in Luke:9:57-62.
57 Now it happened as they journeyed on the road, that someone said to Him, "Lord, I will follow You wherever You go." 58 And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." 59 Then He said to another, "Follow Me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." 60 Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God." 61 And another also said, "Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house." 62 But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."
The Christian walk is about forward motion. I couldn’t see progress on a daily basis when I was just starting to walk with God, but eventually after a few months, I felt lighter. Continue walking toward God and away from your sin and eventually you will see the difference.
I have blogged before about my 35-year struggle with internet pornography. I will never be one to hide my sin, but I will be one to credit Jesus for my triumphs over it. I didn’t walk away from homosexuality more than 15 years ago, because I have great willpower. All the glory and credit for that walk goes to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I demonstrated a willingness to move toward God and away from sin. In turn, God etched a path in the rock for me. I had to decide to follow God, one difficult decision at a time. The little failures that God allowed, taught me lessons to avoid big failures later on. The world looks at our failures through a magnifying glass. God looks at them through the blood of Jesus.
Surrender to Jesus. It really is the difference between life and death. The world has plenty of medications to offer and every one of them will keep you sick. Heaven has but one prescription for what ails you and He works every time.
A Fawn. A Random Butterfly. New path.
The young man, Joshua, about whom this post was written, has read it and signed off on it's content. As my old pastor and friend, Joe Saragusa, used to say, the most important thing is "doing life together." I couldn't agree more. This post is a little longer than my other blogs, but I believe you'll find it well worth the read. As always, please keep me, Joshua and our other guys in prayer. We are constantly under attack from satan and those who would sequester the truth of the gospel. Enjoy! Last night around 4 am, I covertly sneaked out the back door of the house. There was no plan to secretly wreak havoc on the neighborhood. I just didn’t want to wake the roomies with a clackety clack garage door a squeaky front door. By the way, it was the Holy Spirit’s idea. For an hour, I walked the neighborhood and prayed. I returned around 5 am, finally ready for bed. This must have been what it was like for Adam to walk in the garden with God. Recklessly abandoned in God’s presence. It was cool, quiet and peaceful. Precious times these are to me. I need them more often. One of my forever friends, Kathy, exhorted me that I am a missionary now. It is absolutely my job to pray consistently and get alone with God.
Yesterday, I was led to pray after seeing a friend’s Facebook post. Now it wasn’t horrible, but satan has a way of spinning things out of control, kind of like the Kardashians or a Democratically controlled senate. What matters most is that my friend, Joshua, undeniably loves Jesus, but he’s still kind of dabbling in worldly things. A wave of palpable sadness and confusion washed over me as I read his post. I prayed, surrendering that feeling to God. Prayer opened my heart to a desire to get alone with God ASAP. Thus my 4 am stroll, 12 hours later. Yes, my day was that busy. As I walked, I prayed over many guys; three specifically. I don’t know about you, but I fight trusting that God knows what He is doing in other people’s lives, especially when I see them headed down destructive paths. I gotta remember; Faith in the Father, not Faith in the Faltering.
A few months ago, I realized that God was orchestrating a shift. The delicate bubble I had strategically constructed around my ministry was dying a slow and painful, perhaps necessary death. It was my first text from Joshua that alerted me to God’s shenanigans. In our first correspondence, He informed me that he loved Jesus, but he wasn’t interested in walking out of homosexuality just yet. In the past I would have bristled a bit in my mind, listened graciously and began the strategic process of furthering my well-meaning agenda in his life. My initial ‘crisis response’ was averted by a whisper from the Holy Spirit.
At our first meeting, I sat and listened to Joshua’s amazing story. On our walk from the restaurant where we’d had lunch, to a coffee shop, the Holy Spirit told me to be open to learning from him. Holy Ghost say what? I was stricken with acute and immediate mental paralysis. Learn from him? What could I possibly learn from him? He was lost, right? He wasn’t interested in following the same chaste path as me. Talk about a train wreck in the brainwork. What on earth would I have to learn from him?
5 hours later, I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit at that meeting. It was like God installed a fiber optic cable between my brain and His heart. I was also overwhelmed at the presence of the Holy Spirit in Joshua’s life and the level of communication he had with our Father. As the minutes ticked by, it was increasingly evident, that God was writing an amazing love letter to Joshua.
My emotional, roller coaster ride with Joshua continues. It’s a new level of interaction for me. We have some very honest dialogue. I feel challenged by him. I have apologized a million times and look forward to a million more. I am indeed, learning from him as the Holy Spirit said I would. My core beliefs haven’t changed, but I am learning, through Joshua, how to better love the men and women of the gay community.
The foundations of my relationship with Joshua were shaky in the beginning. There were times I’d think he was finished talking with me for good. There were times I felt I was through talking with him for good. God always encouraged me to maintain the connection. Eventually, Joshua needed a new place to live; a place of refuge. I always refer to my house as “a place of refuge”, but there was no way I could let someone stay there who was actively gay. We live according to a strict set of rules. He didn’t want to live under those rules. I found myself being ‘that Christian’. I said something to the effect of,
“That’s a tough situation. I will pray that you. You can’t come live with me, but I’ll help you find another place., I will pray for you.”
It took a few days for me to realize just how self-preserving and pompous those words were. My words were completely blocking a move of God and putting Him in the box of my intellect, prejudice and fear. As the words dripped from my lips, my stomach soured a little. I had pledged my life in service to Jesus first and in service to others second, to love them as myself, but…
“Was there anything more that I could do?”
The question danced about on the surface of my brain, like a random butterfly amongst the flowers, defying capture, inspiring wonder. It was all that God needed for a new journey began.
A few days later, Joshua began texting a slew of angry and sad texts tinged with frustration and angst. He said that he felt like God was saying the answer to his problems was to come and live at my house. As I read his texts from the “ivory tower” of my heart, I knew that he wasn’t truly surrendering to God, but instead succumbing to the pressures of life. I read them and began a quiet celebration broke out in my head. God had finally brought Him to the end of himself, but something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel 100% okay with the circumstances. The Holy Spirit led me to question my attitude. Honest dialogue broke out again between Joshua and I. In his honesty, he carefully laid a few more tender pieces of his heart on the table. Even though I had no idea what to do, I knew the Holy Spirit was calling me to listen and be present. No longer could I blindly say, ‘I’d love to help’, to the safe people my choosing. God was calling me to put actions to my words. I was scared to death.
I met Joshua for lunch. I shared my “house rules” with him. As I shared the rules and cost of rent with him, I saw his countenance fill with more anger and frustration. I wasn’t helping him. I was doing more damage; subjecting him to emotion and spiritual castration. It was almost as if I was saying, “Ha, Ha! I have a house and you don’t. Jump through these flaming hoops and recite this pledge and we’ll see what we can do.” Don’t get me wrong. Rules have a place, but when we put a price on what God freely offers, we commercialize the gospel and drain it of its power. Our actions keep those who desperately need God distanced from His true heart for them. It’s like telling a critically wounded patient to wait outside the emergency room until their wounds have healed.
The sermon at church the next day was all about forgiveness and coming to the Father freely. The Holy Spirit asked me that day,
“How many hoops did I ask you to jump through before you came to live “in my house”? ((Insert Serial Gut Punching Sequence…HERE!))
He was right. I wasn’t helping Joshua draw closer to Jesus. I was piling obstacles in his path and doubling the weight of his burden. With tears flowing down my cheeks I repented of what I had done to this young man. I stayed in a spirit of prayer that entire day. That afternoon, I began the process of tweaking the rules to keep the guys already in the house safe, while providing a place of refuge for another one of God’s broken sons.
Later that night, my roommate and I humbled ourselves before Joshua, who was hurting and broken. We washed his feet and hands. We anointed him with oil. We granted him forgiveness and repented on behalf of Christians who have hurt him. Ultimately, we prayed over him and welcomed him in as our brother. A week later, he moved in and the bubble of self-protection that I, not God had tried to sustain ceremoniously burst. To say the least, I am like a newborn deer in this new place with God; wobbly, uncertain but staying close.
It hasn’t been an easy walk. Not because Joshua is bad, but because it’s a new journey for me. Joshua has actually made the transition fairly easy. God speaks pretty clearly to me regarding Joshua. One morning, I awoke to God saying, “He’s not yours. He’s mine.” I would find out later that this young man’s parents had prayed those same words over him when He was younger, “He’s not ours God, He’s Yours.” Wha What? I told you, FIBER OPTIC connection.
I am both encouraged and challenged by my relationship with Joshua and his knowledge and love for the Lord. When I opened Big Fish ministry 5 years ago, I thought I was simply going to minister to men with unwanted same sex attractions. God knew it was going to be so much more than that. I just missed that memo. What it boils down to is simply this: trusting God, being obedient and having a heart for people. God can be trusted to lead the way and fill in the blanks.
Lessons From A 5 Year Old
So I was counting raindrops the other day with my friend Zach. Let me rephrase that. We were attempting to count raindrops. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO COUNT RAINDROPS? It’s freakin’ hard! Why on earth would I even attempt to count something as infinite as raindrops. To be honest, it was Zach’s idea. Did I mention that Zach is 5? It was the typical Florida day, sunny all day and then in three seconds, HURRICANE!!!! We were standing in the doorway to the patio of Zach’s house, looking out over the pool, watching the raindrops hit the surface of the water. Zach wanted to play a game of counting raindrops. We began. I counted as fast as I could, using first one method, then another. The funny part was that I honestly tried to count the raindrops. At first I focused on one area of the pool and tried to focus in to recognize each, individual raindrop. I tried to say numbers really fast and get as high on the numerical scale as I could. BTW, I got tired and stopped at 46. It was then that I broke down. I realized that there were raindrops falling on the ground outside and on the roof and in the road and… I had never thought about it before, but there are SO MANY raindrops in one storm. It is nigh on impossible to count raindrops. I called this blog “Lessons learned from a five year old”, but God was working on teaching me something as well. Zach and I both gave up simultaneously. I was mentally exhausted and frustrated and he may have needed to pee and then he saw a squirrel. A few days later a song spoke words straight from God’s heart to my finite brain. Misty Edwards sang these words, “I believe. You will come like the rain. I believe. You will come like the rain. And I believe You will come like the rain. You’ll come like the rain!” WOW! Suddenly I was reminded of my adventure with Zach. Those raindrops that were too numerous to count, just kept coming. Everything in their path was baptized in water. Water ran along the gutters, the cracks in the sidewalk and permeated every square inch of dry, thirsty ground. Raindrops joined together as a mighty moving force, puddling and pooling, saturating everything under their heavenly waterfall. Misty’s words gained new ground in my mind. If Jesus indeed did come like the rain, then that means He is a mighty, moving, saturating, refreshing, unstoppable, immeasurable force; bringing life and rapture. It was impossible for Zach and I to quantify the raindrops, but when we stepped back and simply enjoyed their synchronicity, we could appreciate the sheer power and amazingness of the rainstorm. I didn’t need to understand every component of the rain to know that it was working and had purpose. The presence of Jesus is as innumerable as the raindrops. When He comes like the rain, He can penetrate and saturate every area and aspect of our lives with His love, His power and His presence. If I had stood in the midst of the rainstorm, I would have quickly been soaked to the bone, but I chose to stand in the doorway, just out of it’s reach. I still enjoyed the cool, crisp, refreshing “presence” of the rainstorm, but I did it from a place of safety; a place of non-investment. That is how I have I have often lived my Christian life; standing just beyond the reach of Jesus, enjoying the promise of heaven’s possibilities, but refusing to take the few steps further, toward Jesus and allow Him to inundate me with His infinite saturating and powerful, all consuming love. My prayer for all of us is that we step out into the rainstorm that is Jesus. That we take those first few, frightening steps out of the doorway of our will and into the presence of Jesus where His cleansing love will envelop us. One of the greatest lessons I learned from Zach, as he stood there holding my hand, listening to me count, was this. When I was interested and engaged, he was, too. When I gave up and was ready to quit, so was he. Zach had begun to imitate the way I was counting. He was saying what I was saying and doing what I was doing. I believe if I had run out onto the patio in the pouring rain, he would have joined me. I also believe that if I had let go of his hand, he would have run onto the patio into the deluge all by himself. Jesus showed me how that is the power or weakness in our Christian walks. There are people who will fall in love with Jesus simply because we love Him. There are those who will follow us to church, stand by and “hold our hand” and follow our lead, as we trudge forward or fall away as we lose faith. They have the potential to be held back by our brokenness and mistrust of Jesus or catapulted forward as we lean on Jesus. Our friend’s lives will reflect our freedom in Christ or our bondage to sin. The time for standing in the doorway, enjoying Jesus from afar, has passed. It is time to recklessly abandon our hearts and lives to the heavenly rainstorm that is the infinite and innumerable presence of Jesus Christ.
Hope? or HOPE!
It’s confession time! I didn’t know how far gone I was until a few weeks ago. As I started formulating the “Our Beliefs” section of the ministry website, I choked. Thick doubt settled over me like fallout from a volcano filled with fear and despair, erupting in my head, enveloping my soul in a toxic cloud of rancid hopelessness. Or maybe it was just a little gas. Anyway, my goal was to share the message that Freedom (from Homosexuality) is Possible, but that phrase has lost some credibility from the ex-gay Christian community. My intention was to proclaim the truth that “Freedom is Possible” for those who want out of homosexuality and the truth of the gospel to those with opposing beliefs. I wasn’t sharing to condemn. I was sharing because once upon a time it was a statement that brought about hope.
So I was stuck. Was I holding on to old ideas on principle alone? Was I afraid of change? Or were the new ideas unbiblical? Was the message I “grew up” on filled with hate or had SIN simply found a better PR/marketing team? My compromised mind hadn’t been evident until I began to write for the website. As I typed, I shimmied to the top of the fence and sat right in the middle, where so many others had taken roost. I wrote the following.
“We believe that those who read God's word on a daily basis, pursue God in prayer and daily surrender their same sex desires to Him will experience a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.”
When I sent the email to my web lady, my stomach was in knots. I didn’t believe what I had just typed, but I typed it to satiate the masses listening to “a new gospel of half hearted hope” blowing on the wind. I felt myself slipping deeper into the sewers of political correctness. With a few simple keystrokes I had succumbed to the doubts that had been brewing in the ex-gay Christian community for months. Instead of standing firm on scripture that we can do all things through Jesus Christ, like I said before, I choked. I gave people reason to doubt God and gave God an easy way out. In the event that He ‘couldn’t’ or ‘wouldn’t’ help someone walk free from homosexuality, I was covered.
“…a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.” The words haunted me. I kept screaming inside my head, “That is not what I believe!” “What if I tell people there is freedom from homosexuality and they don’t experience the same freedom that I have?” “Will they turn their back on God?” “What right do I have to give anyone a license to hope?” I wanted to offer people the same hope that Jesus Christ had given me in 1998 and for 12 years in Exodus circles, but I caught myself torn between the tortured sentiment of gay Christians and their sympathizers and the truth of God’s word. I had accused others of preaching a watered down gospel and here I was doing the same thing.
“Freedom is Possible” and another catch phrase, “Change is Possible” have come under fire, because there were people who attended Exodus conferences over the years that said they had not experienced a noticeable level of change in their sexual attractions. Sorry friends, but I was not on that list. Since I left homosexuality in 1998, I have experienced a noticeable change in my attractions. I’m not a regular attendee at Hooter’s, but I ain’t hold up in Rainbowville either. I’m in process, but I am a little further down the assembly line than the kid I was in 1998. I experienced change and freedom, because I read books, attended conferences, asked for prayer, confessed and asked for help, prayerfully followed conference advice, attended an Exodus ministry and church, read the bible, prayed and held Jesus’ hand as we exhumed the skeleto-emotional remains of my past.
My daily devotional today is found in Genesis and Luke. I use the reading plan at www.lifejournal.cc. The story of Lot’s wife has always fascinated me. The bible says that she looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. In the notes section of my bible, it says this “Lot’s wife was trailing behind him with her heart still in Sodom, looked back, died…”. In warning people about the perils of looking back, Jesus reminds us of Lot’s wife in Luke 17:31-33
Walking away from homosexuality is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. There were days that I “looked back”, days I prayed for a different struggle and days that I drowned my sorrows in gay porn and masturbation. But, at the end of the day, I did my best to honor my commitment to God and my conviction that homosexuality in any form: whether acting out sexually or maintaining a gay identity, though celibate was not God’s best for my life.
There are many reasons why people who decide to leave homosexuality behind “look back”. If we leave pieces of our heart scattered throughout a sexually charged past, it will eventually call out to us and we will be tempted to return. The bible says to sit down and count the cost before ‘investing your life into in a big project’. People underestimate the power of sin in their lives. Failure can also be attributed to the lure of sexual sin, unbelief and human failure. It can never be attributed to God. God will never fail us, but he doesn’t always do things our way. People fail all the time, yet in attempt to shirk blame and responsibility, they pin their failures on God and the Christians who appear to be getting it right. Proverbs 19:3 says it best, “A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.”
After much prayer and devotional time, I came to a different conclusion today than I had that day, working on the website. Many in the ex gay movement may have given up on true freedom and settled for the scraps that fall from the Master’s table, but I won’t be among them. Over and over again, God has used people to share the following scripture with me. God has called me to live the Isaiah 61:1 life. It says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”
Luke 7:22 “So he (Jesus) replied to the messengers, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.” Jesus performed feats of healing that caused the crowds to marvel. My life and the lives of so many others who have walked away from homosexuality are miracles.
“…TO PROCLAIM FREEDOM FOR THE CAPTIVES and RELEASE FROM FROM DARKNESS FOR THE PRISONERS”. Hmmm. That is pretty clear. These same words can also be found in Luke 4:18. God has raised me up to proclaim freedom for men and women trapped in homosexuality. It isn’t false hope and condemnation to proclaim true freedom. It’s actually the most loving thing a person can do for someone who is lost. It isn’t me making promises I can’t keep. It is the truth of God’s Word proclaiming that freedom and release are available to everyone.
Voices in My Head
Our reading today took us to the pool of Bethesda. The bible said that “here a great number of disabled people used to lie- the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.” The focus of the reading this morning was one particular fellow that had been an invalid for 38 years. Wow. That is exactly 4 years less than I have been alive. In the grand scheme of things, this guy had suffered half a lifetime with disability.
John 5
5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” 7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” 8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9 At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked...
14 Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
The man was in his current state for many years. Chances are he had grown accustomed to living this way. He knew of no other way to live so he made the best of his circumstances. He made a life “near the fires of hell”, because there seemed to be no other option. Then Jesus shows up, as he occasionally does and starts asking investigatory questions.
“Do you want to get well?”, Jesus asks. Interesting question. Who wouldn’t want to get well? But Jesus still asks. Surprisingly enough Jesus doesn’t get the Yes that we all might expect, but instead he gets what amounts to be excuses. He tells Jesus, maybe I did way back when, but at this point, it’s hopeless. Then Jesus, once again, doing what Jesus does, calls the man up and out of his bondage. He calls him to “Get up!” Pick up his mat and walk. The bible says at once the man was cured and picked up his mat and walked. Can you imagine what would have happened if the man would have just said, “No thank you” or “How could you do this for me?” Or worse yet, “It’s simply not possible.” “How dare you suggest that there is anything wrong with me.” Thank goodness, the man was obedient to the call of Jesus on his life. Obedience allowed for his healing.
Later on in the story, I find it interesting that when Jesus finds the same man again in the temple, he gives him a spiritual reminder of sorts. Jesus says, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” It leaves me to wonder what happened if anything. Was the healed man sinning in the temple or was Jesus just reminding the man that his newfound freedom would need care and maintenance. That he should guard it and tend it and grow it. I also like that Jesus said, “…you are well again.” The man had the prospective of being well, then being sick and then being well…again.
Much of this man’s story parallels the life of some of the gay men I have mentored. I have met some men who have struggled with homosexuality most of their natural life. Some of these men are in their 50’s and 60’s. They, too, have identified with the hopelessness the man at the pool felt after being afflicted for 38 years. They fear that they have been gay way too long for God to be able to help them with their struggle.
When I walked away from homosexuality I was 27. There was a huge span of history and beliefs that Jesus showed up and begin to question. As a young man just discovering my gay attractions I fought not to accept them. I never chose to be gay, but there was no explanation at the time other than genetics. I prayed for God to take these feelings away night after night. He didn’t. At some point, I would imagine just like the man at the pool, I began to give up and accept that I might have to live as a gay man for the rest of my life. I stopped fighting the feelings. I built a life around homosexuality, because I felt that I was destined to live that way for the rest of my life. It was either adapt and accept or spend the rest of my life apologetic and mopey. I couldn’t do the latter.
When Jesus’ voice became louder than everyone else’s at “the side of the pool” I finally began to listen. “Do you want to get well?”, He asked.
“It isn’t possible.” I said. “Leave me the eff alone. I am going to be gay no matter what. There’s nothing you can do about it.” “I don’t even know if ‘getting well’ is possible.
Then, for whatever reason, a spark of hope began to burn. The hope of not being gay and having a wife and kids and a God filled life grew within me. When Jesus called out to me, he told me to get away from all the random voices in my life and focus on His. It was at that point that I packed up my car and got up and began…to walk.
Healing didn’t come immediately. I slept with an old boyfriend on the move back home. Then when I moved home I tried to connect with an attractive guy I saw in Tulsa. It was at that moment though, that I heard the Holy Spirit’s voice loud and clear. “What are you doing?” I look back now and hear Jesus’ voice as well. “Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
I fear for young men who have known the truth of Jesus’ call on their life out of homosexuality, but have decided that walking this out is too hard. So they return to homosexuality. Homosexuality was a sin that did nothing, but take from my heart and life, sinking me deeper onto the “pavement by the pool”. If I could offer a word of encouragement to those of you struggling with whether or not to continue this fight, I would simply say. Freedom from homosexuality is not the absence of struggle. It is the daily surrender of our broken sexuality to Jesus Christ.
Asking Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life is the first step my friends, but the battle for your life begins there. Satan wants nothing more than to ruin your life and destroy your testimony. A true, spirit filled walk with God is not a one time transaction at the International Bank of Hypergrace United. It is a constant daily maintenance and surrender in an effort to “stop sinning” so that we won’t be worse off than we were before we met Jesus. Walking away from homosexuality was the hardest thing I ever did, but Jesus Christ called me to be obedient to his Word not my feelings. I know now that I was born sensitive, artistic and creative, not gay. God’s call is as fresh and fulfilling today as it was back in 1998.
I trust Jesus and believe in His complete healing for broken sexuality. I found my hope in God’s word, not in the fickle misgivings of human belief and emotion. Are there too many voices in your head right now for you to hear God’s? Then step away and listen to the call of Jesus today. He is asking you today, “Do you want to get well?” How will you respond? With the spark of hope for a new life or Out of vast expanse of your fear, because of the passage of time?