Enough Already!
I haven't posted anything in months. My apologies. I still love Jesus. I haven't decided to leave Christianity for the latest self honoring religious trend. In all honesty, I was just kind of mentally exhausted. I walked away from my gay life more than 17 years ago and instead of it getting easier to talk and share what God has done for me, the attacks and rhetoric of the "tolerant" left made it difficult to share. There are so many opinions when it comes to my story of leaving homosexuality behind to follow God's true design for my life, and then there is the simple truth. I wasn't born gay. I thank God for that. I was reminded tonight of a scripture in Psalm 139 that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And that all God's works are wonderful. That goes head to head with what I personally know and have experienced in gay culture and gay circles. My gay life might have been pleasurable and fun for a time, but in the end it was anything, but wonderful. I had the distinct pleasure of praying with a father tonight whose son has been trying to slowly and steadily acclimate them to his gay life. The most amazing thing about this father's journey with his son, was the fact that his love for his son was so evident. The son can't see that homosexuality is not God's design for him, but with the leading of the Holy Spirit, the father sees it clearly. It was my own father's prayers that awakened my soul to the calling of the Holy Spirit. It was my father's constant battle in prayer that led me out of homosexuality and into the arms of Jesus.
I will never believe that myself or anyone was born gay. I will forever believe that God's design for men who have been led down the path to homosexuality were indeed born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay. So that brings me to the place of mental exhaustion. There are times I forget that the fight is against powers and forces in the spirit realm and not against the people being manipulated by those forces here on earth. No one likes to be called names or bullied or picked on. And the gay community has gone to great lengths to end bullying in many venues, yet they employ those same skills to stifle beliefs that conflict with theirs. A few weeks ago I was verbally berated on our neighborhood Facebook page by a woman I had never met.
We posted our ministry name and our fundraising event on the page. The lady took the time to look up our page and then post lie after lie after lie about Big Fish Ministry. I sheltered the brunt of her rage silently for most of the day and then I shared it with some close friends. The anger my friends felt for me felt good, because they know my story, my heart and they know the attack all too well. We turned our anger into prayers for the woman. Satan is the real enemy we are facing. Not some internet bully.
In high school I faced down a bully that was twice my size and used words as lethal weapons that altered the course of my life for a time. Now the only words that I choose to let alter the course of my life is the Word of God. I have been verbally assaulted and had my character maligned more by men and women of the gay community, because of my testimony than I was ever assaulted when I was gay by straight people. It's always interesting to me that the full initials of the gay community include a Q for "Questioning", but when you question the presence of homosexuality in your life like I did, and decide for God and against gay, the claws and insults come out.
This latest issue about transgender bathroom rights is less about transgender rights and more about altering the course of God's design and will for our gender. Isn't it interesting that the very principles that God laid down in the book of Genesis regarding gender and marriage are the very things under attack today by satan. The gay community is composed of men and women just like the "straight" community. Satan works through people, places and things. The gay community isn't the enemy, but they are being used by the enemy to alter God's design for man.
I find it interesting that the transgender community is more interested in having an entire nation honor their "rights", but show almost no concern for the implications that open restrooms are going to have on children. At the end of the day, it isn't about gay, transgender or individual rights. It's about the selfish nature of the human heart steeped in sin and in need of Jesus. There is the mentality that "I want what I want when I want it and you had better not tell me No. No one tells me No, because I have a right." If you tell me NO, you are a bigot, a hater. You aren't a Christian, because God is love and if you aren't loving me by letting me have everything I want in life then you are wrong.
From having lived as a gay man for most of my life, I know the rampant immaturity of the gay community. It is a vast network of men and women who have been hurt and rejected by the world and in some ways are working daily to make sure that those who have hurt them will never hurt them again. The only problem with that is that "Hurt people, hurt people." As the vast majority of gay men do, I grew up without a meaningful connection with my father. I was blessed in that my father, though distant, was a Christian. He loved me and reached out even when I was full of piss and vinegar toward him. He prayed even when the life I was living gave him no hope.
So as it stands now, I am done being exhausted by the bullies in the gay community. I am a voice for truth and hope for those men and women trapped in their gay lives by the one way, intolerant rhetoric of the gay agenda. God has challenged me to set the captives free and proclaim freedom for those stuck in the prison walls. Alan Chambers may have shuttered Exodus International, but the truth of God will not be silenced by any man regardless of how influential. Change is still possible. Freedom from homosexuality is still possible. God is in the business of changing the hearts and lives of men.
The last time I posted a blog on this topic, I tried to boost it on Facebook. The Facebook powers that be refused to allow me to boost it due to it's graphic nature. I shouldn't be surprised. Facebook is not a Christian based group. Even talking to my friend in North Carolina who shared the truth of the Bathroom Legislation, I found out a truth that the liberal media blocked all of us from hearing. I'm done with the censorship. I'm done with the lies, slander and victimization myself and other "ex-gays" like me receive from groups that cry out "OFFENSE OFFENSE" whenever someone speaks that truth of God's word. If those of us who know the truth refuse to stand up for it, regardless of the backlash, then we can't complain when everything goes to crap.
My name is Matthew Aaron Walker and in December of 1998, I walked away from a gay life with help of Jesus Christ. He has the same legacy for you my friend. Homosexuality is not God's design for your life. There is a way out and His name is Jesus.
Jesus: Expletive, Weapon or Freedom
About a month ago, I celebrated the 17th anniversary of the day I walked away from homosexuality. There were no cakes, no banners or brightly colored, celebratory paraphenalia; only the amazing recollection of the day that Jesus became something more to me than a crass expression used by irreverently or the weaponized tool of manipulation used by religious zealots. Jesus Christ. What a powerful name! Jesus' life and ministry was the fulfillment of many prophecies in the Old Testament. During those cold moments at the close of 1998 and the cessation of my sexual escapades, Jesus fulfilled one scripture for me above all else. Proverbs 18:24- "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." A friend that sticks closer than a brother. I had lived a life virtually spitting in the face of Jesus, but at the end of my rebellion He was standing there saying "Welcome Back". Back to reality. Back to His will. Back to life. The Walking Dead, though science fiction, was my reality for 2 decades. I spent my life focused on getting beyond the difficult junk in order to get to the good stuff on the other side. Good stuff was forever elusive. Life had become a vast swamp and I wandered endlessly, pursuing an ever changing destination. Conversely, the Old Testament account of Joseph speaks of thriving in difficulty. Joseph was sold into slavery, stolen from his father and imprisoned on false charges. Yet he consistently gave glory and praise to God, rather than moping about. He thrived, because he was surrendered to God. It was said of Joseph in Genesis 41:38 "Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom is the Spirit of God?" As I wandered through the desert of my dysfunction, I repeatedly said 'No Thanks God', blaming my misfortune on Him. Joseph's peace in time of trouble was always something of an illusion to me.
As a young, gay man I wielded words like weapons. I made sport of being angry, bitter and offensively witty. In restrospect, it's clear those aren't Christlike attributes. But to my young, gay mind, tainted by the deceptive beliefs of: "abandoned by God" and "hated by Christians", words were a source of survival. So much of the scripture lately lends support to choosing Jesus over sin of any kind. There are benefits to serving the One Master, Jesus, over the other master, our broken sexuality.
My father's effective and powerful prayers and growing up in a church bathed in scripture, are the two main reasons I was able to leave homosexuality and stay away. In my own ministry, I have realized that I don't pray for people nearly as much as my father did for me. God is not bringing young men to me so I can tell them to behave. God is bringing men into my life who struggle so that I can reiterate the fact that Jesus is the answer to what ails them. The Holy Spirit revisited that idea a few weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning. "Just tell them about Jesus," he said. It's always been about Jesus and will always be about Jesus. There is no other name under heaven by which a man can be saved. I pondered these thoughts yesterday, as I sat across the table from a young man who had just told me he was on the verge of making a huge decision. He was deciding between living a life for God or going headlong into the gay life. This was no easy decision for him. And no easy confession. I have been in this young man's life for a little over a year. I've seen him victorious over sin one day and giving into it entirely the next. Keep in mind. He never came right out and said, I plan on screwing up my life forever by leaving my wife and family behind in order to live as who I truly am. He is tormented by the decision, but he sees no other way.
As a Christian who struggles with homosexual desires I understand his pain. What struck my heart the most was one of the reasons he said he was giving up and going into the gay life. He said it would just make things easier. To which I replied, "For whom?". I read in scripture today about serving two masters. While it is primarily used as a sermon on serving God or money, it speaks volumes to a principle I alluded to earlier; choosing one master to serve. The bible says that no servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon. -Luke 16:13. As I chatted with my friend, I could indeed see the fork in the road where he was standing. The road on the left was an easy, short journey through life followed by a tormented, infinite journey into hell. The path on the right was narrow and winding, filled with hardship for a time filled with an eternity with a loving God. My friend had spent the bulk of his life stuck between gay and God, taking on the feel good parts of Christianity and the exciting parts of his gay life, while never fully committing to either. It was the proverbial life of living on the fence. One which the New Testament describes God as saying, and I am paraphrasing, be hot or cold, because you will never amount to any good as a lukewarm, fence dweller; spiritual limbo if you will.
Conversations like this are frequent in "ex-gay" ministry. After the death of Exodus International and the onslaught of government, approved gay marriage, many have lost sight of the truth of scripture. Many have lost the will to fight. While perusing Facebook last week I read a post that hit like a gut punch. No it wasn't "Hillary 2016". The post said simply, "Here is a picture of my beautiful wife." Those words were uttered by a friend I used to attend church with and minister alongside. That friend's name is Lisa. Daily, I see the casualties of homosexual sin and desire. I don't hate homosexual sin for all the preconceived Christian reasons. I hate the idea that the people I know and love are surrendering themselves to a life where they will be chewed up, spit out and disrespected. A world where Jesus is neither honored nor exalted. At the end of the day though, they are subject to the laws of the land we chose to live in. They may be submitting themselves willingly, but I know the realistic pull of sexual sin. It sets in at an early age and steals away a person's youth and life experience.
I see now why my father spent so many nights on his knees in prayer before God. His heart ached for the lost, as mine does now. If you find yourself at the same crossroads as my friend, please reach out before you make a life altering decision. If you have someone in your life who is about to succumb to the pressures of sexual desire and temptation, please don't stop praying for that person. Though I have traveled to Alaska, Australia and beyond to share Jesus with whomever would listen, I found myself defeated in my own backyard. For a moment I gave up on my friend. The thought crossed my mind that I was so tired of losing friends to homosexuality. Later that night I repented for giving up so easily and prayed earnestly for the life of my friend and other sons and daughters. I asked God to remind satan that he's been defeated. I went to battle for lives that truly matter and souls with whom I want to spend an eternity in heaven.
Jesus was fully a man. Jesus is fully God. And where I get it wrong and build expectations and hurdles for people, He builds a bridge. You can know Jesus today, too. He doen't ask you to clean yourself up before you come to Him. He simply invites you to come. If you are struggling today at the crossroads, there is freedom from homosexuality, but most importantly, there is life in Jesus Christ. I am living proof.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 - 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed,you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Beltway Meltdown
Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.
One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.
I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked. The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.
Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.
The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.
God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.
People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.
After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.
No one...deserves my anger.
Vomit, Dancing and a 4 a.m. Wakeup Call
Ever so often I ask a friend to write a guest blog to share with my readers. Here is a guest blog from a friend of mine named Samuel. He writes a blog which you can read at www.BrotherBarr.wordpress.com. Here is a little of Samuel's story and journey so far. I want to take you on a journey, hoping you will arrive at the same place of freedom I did. The journey isn’t pleasant, but it was what I needed to open my eyes and heart to my dire need for God and His saving grace. I wish I could say that it will be the last journey through darkness that I will ever take. Only God knows for sure. Nevertheless, I do know that going through the darkness with God is nowhere near as lonely and scary as it was going through it without Him. That was my life before I accepted Christ as my savior. It was definitely the loneliest and darkest time of my life.
This journey began 8 years after my salvation. I was living out the Proverbs 26:11 life once again, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” Doing the very things I did not want to do. Can you relate? Paul could. Romans 7:19 ”For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” I had recently returned from Georgia where I was a part of a ministry that helps people deal with hurts, habits and hang-ups. I was living a blessed, simple life of serving God and loving it. Unfortunately, I had already begun to backslide and reopen doors to the enemy. Hindsight always gives us 20/20 vision. If I had only drawn close to God and stayed authentically connected to healthy people, I could have saved myself, and my loved ones a lot of heartache and pain. Instead, I ran back to Florida.
I returned to Florida to care for my mother who was having some health issues. At least that is what it looked like to everyone else. I knew I was already running full steam away from God and His plan for my life. Reminds me of Jonah 1:3 “But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD.” My emphasis added. I have heard it put this way. When we choose to run from the Lord, the enemy will make sure we have transportation and it always cost us. My ship was my mom and the fare I paid was my peace and freedom. It wasn't long before I was dancing around the enemy's campfire, once again. Every demon that had been evicted returned with a vengeance, and brought buddies. Sound familiar? Luke 11:26 “Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.” Gratefully, it was only a year before God's mercy and grace brought me to repentance, yet again, but the damage was done: physical, financial, mental and spiritual damage as well. This was Spring of 2010.
Later that Spring my mom and I decided, for various reasons, to relocate from Tampa Bay to Ft. Myers. Most importantly were my brother and his family. They could offer some emotional support for my mother and I while I restarted the process of working on my issues. I also had a great church and recovery family, which I had established back in 2007 prior to moving to Georgia. There were so many blessings in moving to Ft. Myers, but it would be some time before I would begin to see them and accept them as God's grace and protection.
I was blind to the blessings for a few reasons. Some I was aware of while others were hidden and deeply rooted. One major reason was the hope that being Christian and gay was ok in God's eyes. The truth was that as long as I held on to this or anything that God had asked me to surrender, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I wasn’t living by His word. God is always faithful to His Word, every part of it. I am called to be faithful to every part, as well, even the parts I don't understand or agree with. Despite my disobedience He was patient and continued to love me. That is what He does. Deep in my heart I knew that being Christian and gay was not part of God's plan for my life. Ever have that feeling about a particular sin yet still try to rationalize it away? Have you truly ever searched your heart, or asked God to? Psalm 139:23-24a “Search me O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me.” If we are serious about living a life that is pleasing to God then we have to pray those exact words and mean it. I know I did.
God continued to speak to me regarding the junk I was holding on to. One night in 2010, before moving to Ft Myers, near the end of a relapse, we were visiting my brother. What you may not know about my relapses is that they involved addiction to Meth, a.k.a. the “devil’s drug”. Coming down from a relapse means restoring order to the chaos of my destructive behaviors: insomnia and a diet of water and candy. The restoration involves multiple hours of sleeping with brief moments of waking and eating. Then quickly returning to sleep. I needed my sleep. I loved my sleep. So I knew that it was God that woke me up at 4 a.m. one morning and spoke these words to me, “Sam, you make so much of your struggle. I am not concerned as much about your struggle as I am about you.” It was a simple, yet profound statement.
It would take another 4 years before I would grasp the totality of that statement. If I could only focus on God as much as I was focusing on my sin, then God could do what He promised and I could begin to walk in His freedom. I had become so blinded by pride that the lies I believed became truth for me. If I could have only gotten my eyes off myself, my sin and the world and fixed them back on Jesus, I could have taken hold of the promises in His word. The only thing that got my eyes off myself, was hitting rock bottom again and again. Have you hit your rock bottom yet?
In February 2014, I found myself hitting rock bottom a fourth time since relocating to Ft. Myers. It had been over a year since the last relapse. This time it was darker and deeper. I found myself living in my car, by my choice, eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking ginger ale. I walked away from a successful career, friends and family that loved me, a great apartment and many blessings. It is still hard for me to believe how blinded by lies I had become. All God was asking me to do was trust and surrender to His plan for my life. Looking back now, He wasn't asking that much. Why I thought for a minute that my way was better or that the world had something better to offer is beyond me. What lies do you still believe? Do you believe that your way is better than God's? Or that the world has something better to offer?
Thankfully, today, I find myself learning to live wholly surrendered. Trusting Him fully is still a daily struggle, but I am learning to do so moment-by-moment, struggle-by-struggle. I am doing my best to seek God first. I ask Him daily to guide me, to search my heart and help me see things from His perspective. Not only do I know, with my head, but I also believe, with my heart, that God has a plan for my life. I confidently believe that God is taking the chaos of my struggles, pains and hurts and using my gifts and talents to create a beautiful symphony of purpose.
Are you ready to begin your journey of freedom?
Not Who I Was. He is the Great I Am
scripture hallway
It was fall of 1993. I was loading up my shiny, red S-15 pickup truck and moving to Galveston. It was Phase 2 of my plan to become a world famous killer whale trainer. Phase 1 consisted of a 3-week tropical marine biology class in The Bahamas and a separate overnight stay in Paris…Texas that is. I was leaving my home in Barnsdall, Oklahoma and finally pursuing a Marine Bio degree. When that truck drove out of my parent’s driveway for the last time, it was packed with a comfy, college dorm chair, sentimental, knick-knack crap and equal parts bitterness and rebellion. In the driver’s seat was an angry, hurting 22-year old boy. That boy, was me. There were many reasons I was headed to Texas: college, a psycho ex-boyfriend, Shamu and to run away from who I had been for the last 16 years. I also hoped that God wouldn’t pursue me that far south of the bible belt.The night before I left, I packed every, last, damn thing I owned into that little, red truck. I resented my parents so much that I slept on a comforter in the middle of the living room floor, as one last act of defiance. My mom wasn’t ready for me to move that far from home. Her pain was palpable. I sensed it before one tear dared to stain her cheek. She came to me that night to wish me good night. I had already begun to close my heart off to her emotionally. After years of torturing emotional incest by my mother, this cold, callous reaction was simply a defense mechanism. That night, however, she came to me broken, wounded and sincere. It was that night I think her “mother’s” heart, shattered into a thousand icy shards. It was a turning point for both of us. Her words were simple and true. “You don’t have to go,” she said. “I don’t care if you are sick,” she continued, “I don’t care if you are dying. I don’t care if you are gay. You don’t have to go.” “I don’t care if you are gay”. The words are still just as haunting today.
She knew? SHE KNEW! She knew.
Paralyzed by fear, I just stood there. I looked away. I couldn’t let her see further inside. Besides, my eyes were as cold and dead as my heart. I said nothing, but left her alone to face the echoes of her pain in silence. Nothing was going to change my mind. I was tired of hurting, tired of not fitting in and tired of all the lies. Texas was my answer. Texas was going to “fix” me. At some point in life, I drew comfort from her confessions. Yet, there was nothing she could have said to reach me that day. My feet were firmly planted in Oklahoma, but my heart was already in Texas. My mom knew that many of the reasons I was leaving would fall under the heading, ‘Escape’. I had mistakenly filed them all under “Freedom’. It didn’t matter. At 9 that next morning, I would be fully committed to whatever brand of heaven or hell lay before me. That self proclaimed journey into ‘Freedom’ led me down the road to periodic HIV tests, many a drunken stupor and blackout and eventually a heart so broken and deceived that it led to a night of prostitution. The most incredible thing wasn’t that I Survived my self-prescribed journey into freedom. The most incredible thing was The Reason that I survived it.
Jesus Christ was with me the entire time.
From the moment I set foot in Galveston, God was with me. The first guy I dated was a Baptist minister’s son. What did we discuss on our first date? Christianity and homosexuality. This is what happens when God has a call on your life. He won’t frickin’ leave you alone. God was there. Even when I thought He wasn’t. Even when I hoped He wasn’t. Even after I told him to ‘F’ off, because I was going to be gay no matter what. Even then, He never left me, never abandoned me. Years later, I would read the following passage in the Bible, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10. The author was expressing the realization that there is literally nowhere we can go to be to away from God. While I wasn’t so keen on God seeing everything I had done, I couldn’t deny that life with God was like one great, big, spiritual “Where’s Waldo” adventure. My story of redemption through Jesus Christ was one of wooing and chasing, doting and pursuing. I rejected Jesus for so many years. Yet He pursued me. I blamed Him for all my pain. Yet He continuously forgave me. I built a wall around my heart. I pushed people away. I lived in the rancid isolation of sexual brokenness that so many in today’s gay community call “Freedom”. I can’t remember many days when I called out to God, but He never stopped calling to me. I have every reason to daily hang my head in shame, for the porn that I have seen, the sex I have had and the life that I lived. However, the word of God says in 2 Corinthians 5:21 “For He (God) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (Jesus). I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ. What a reason to hold my head high and celebrate. It’s not my any act or effort of my, but by the power of Jesus Christ to save me, cleanse me and forgive me. I am no longer defined by the sins of my past. You can choose to no longer be defined by your brokenness, but instead by the One who fixes the broken. It took me more than ten years to surrender most of my broken pieces to Jesus. Yet it took Him less than a millisecond to say “Welcome Home”. As a boy who had always looked for a place to belong, those words fell like rain in the desert of my isolation. Jesus is still performing rescue missions little brothers. It matters not what you’ve done or are doing. What matters most, is saying Yes to Jesus. The bible says that those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. It’s time; to end one journey and start another. The same Jesus Christ, who took those first steps with you into sexual sin and brokenness, is waiting at the next exit with cheers and celebration.
“Let the children come to me…for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
Get Outta The Boat Heifer!
Is it me, or does the purple Listerine feel more like battery acid than the other flavors? As I swished it around, I did a double take at the label, searching for ingredients I was certain were in there, like “magma” or “diesel fuel”. Two nights ago, after a very enjoyable dinner with friends, my car decided to die momentarily in the parking lot. It was fixed the next day then the AC, which I had fixed a few weeks prior, went out. Did I mention how much my feet hurt as well?
Time to complain? Nope, time to testify about the peace that God has been granting me lately. The night my car broke down, my friend Luis drove Josh and I home. Problem solved. I was more than a little thrown off course, by the engine malfunction. Why? Well, the next day I had three very interconnected, tough to schedule, but very necessary appointments. You know the ones. If you’re a minute late to one, or something goes awry, the whole day could be ruined. I had from 9 pm at night to 9 am the next morning to sweat, stew and dream about how terrible the next day was going to be. I made it home and when I sat down to worry, a sense of peace washed over me instead. I don’t know that I have ever felt that before. I questioned this soothing, but unfamiliar feeling. There was one other attack that threatened my sanity that evening, yet I couldn’t forget the peace that God has used to cloak my heart.
Our dinner conversation with friends and the next day’s appointments were God ordained moments. The enemy did his best to derail ‘The Mercy Express’. satan launched his attack as soon as he could. God had begun the peace process way before then. Turns out that the repair on my car was covered under warranty. The Listerine just needed a good “shaken not stirred” action and the other two appointments worked out better after the car issue.
Every time I have begun to let doubt creep in, the Holy Spirit has been right there with a scripture. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”-- Psalm 37:25. I read this a few weeks ago. Waterfall in the Wilderness Moment! Then today, quite “randomly” I was taking part in the filming of a new Bible DVD series and the guy on stage quotes Psalm 37:25. That peaceful feeling came again, but this time it was accompanied by something else. It was the feeling of knowing and believing that the verse was absolutely and undeniably true. I can’t explain it, but I felt the belief take hold of me like a physical manifestation of truth programmed into every cell of my body.
God is so faithful, even when I rekindle my past. I have been here before: doubt, despair and fear of failure. When I walked away from 15 years of history as a Sea World animal trainer, it was much the same as walking away from 20+ years as a gay man. Both were places of comfort and familiarity. Both met certain needs I had. I had outgrown them both as well. When I stepped away from both I was that “wobbly toddler” taking those first bumbling steps away from stability and towards the unknown.
Peter didn’t just dip his foot in and yell “HEY JESUS! Look at me!” Peter asked “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” (Jesus) said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. “ To do great things my brothers, you gotta get off your lazy butt and step out of the boat. Turn off the TV, quit downloading porn, stop being afraid to fail, begin trusting God and do something with the life that He has so graciously loaned you. Peter's faith started with a desire and culminated in a conversation with Jesus. What is the desire of your heart little brothers? Start your long overdue conversation with Jesus today. Keep your heart and your ears open for His response.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord...
The Death of Exodus
As you may or may not have heard by now, an amazing ministry that has meant the world to many, Exodus International, is shutting it’s doors. It seems to have been a long time coming. But just because you know grandma is dying, doesn’t mean you’re less sad when she goes. I have attended the annual Exodus Freedom conference every year since 2002. I missed one year to run with the Bulls in Pamplona. Otherwise, the conferences have been the only staple in my life, other than gas and Shamu.
So here I am, sitting at my last breakfast on my last day of the last Exodus International Freedom Conference. My heart is sad, but my mind is abuzz with how to help this community next. As the world celebrates the demise of my “old friend”, standing over her lifeless corpse still holding the bloody knife they used to kill her, I know she will rise again.
I was full of piss and vinegar for the first couple of days of this conference. When I get that way, I practice very little control over my mouth. It’s a flaw that I can’t afford as a Christian. You see, even though I have gotten a huge amount of freedom from my sexual desires, White, Hot Anger is still a toxin that grips my heart and flows in my veins. What sparked my anger? I’ve heard general apologies to the media for things I did not do. I’ve heard wounded people speak gruesome, life-altering declarations out of broken places, where sound doctrines have been replaced with emotional regrets. I’ve heard that “Gay and Christian can coexist” communicated from a platform that used to preach healing to the broken. Many years ago the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and told me I had to choose between Gay and Christian. In my heart, I knew that God was not an option. God didn’t leave me there, but provided a way for me to walk away from my homosexuality. I had to choose to walk that out daily. Every day of every year since I heard His declaration. I had to choose to walk as God led.
Alan Chambers is my friend. He has been for years. I don’t pretend to understand everything he does. He doesn’t pretend to understand my stuff either. In 2001, after my first Exodus conference, Alan Chambers offered me my first job in ministry as the Emcee for the 2002 Conference. It is Alan Chambers who trusts me with people who call the office looking for a mentor. Alan Chambers has led this organization beautifully for years. Alan Chambers is indeed my friend. I would have never chosen for Exodus to close this way. I would have chosen celebration in place of somber. Yet, it is not up to me. It was up to Alan and his board and ultimately up to God. God is not any more surprised by this, than you should be surprised that K-mart smells like the 70’s.
Freedom from homosexuality comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. That message will escape the ruins of this “burning building.” It is a message of hope and freedom in a world of ever increasing bondage. It is not God’s will that any man should perish. It is His will that every man should get to know Jesus and have everlasting life.
My time and my friends here will be missed. I won’t mourn what could have been, one second longer than I should. The people that hate us are the ones who need to hear the message of the gospel most. We owe it to them to reevaluate our Christian walks. I would beg you, regardless of your struggle, to realize that your life is the only bible some people may read. If you call yourself a Christian, then surrender your life to God daily and live according to His word. If your “Christian” walk is a tailored mixture of select scripture and personal convictions tainted with human emotion, please call yourself something else. Stop muddying the gospel to people who need the good medicine of the Word to treat their disease of sin. Don’t circumvent another person’s relationship with Jesus, because yours isn’t working. A lost and dying world deserves firsthand, unpolluted knowledge of Jesus’ healing power, because it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that has power; power to change, power to free people and freedom from the bondage that holds us fast.
The world has not seen the last of the message of Exodus, because at its core it is the message of the gospel. We’ve all lost our way. We all need a savior. Let the games begin.
The Father's Call
My life as a little boy was always spent on the run, guarding myself from hurt. I grew up with three very strong personalities: mom, dad and my brother. I spent a lot of time alone, being quiet and constructing a private world where I felt safe. Mom was the smotherer. Dad was the strict disciplinarian. Brother was unpredictable and generated fear in me at every turn. When I finally left my childhood home, there was a lot of living and a lot of conversation to catch up on.
As I have said before, I don’t believe anyone is born gay. I believe boys are born “Sensitive, Artistic and Creative”. This exposes them to pain and hurt. They have their emotions crushed very easily and are then susceptible to the lies of the enemy that says they were born different. Eventually, through small developmental steps, these boys are led to believe they are “born gay.” The seeds planted in my heart as young man were nourished by feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I grew up to be a fearful adult, confused and very comfortable being alone. There was a lot of pain to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. A therapist once described the homosexual side of my life as my minds way of coming up with an entirely different lifestyle to manage my pain.
I didn’t have much a relationship with my father until I was about 27. I had distanced myself from my father at an early age. He scared me. He wasn’t as sweet and nice as mom. He made us attend church and was a lot less emotional than. We clashed…a lot. Many boys who develop homosexual tendencies suffer from that same disconnect with dad at an early age. My disconnect left me with feelings of being lost and bewildered. I spent the rest of my life looking for a father figure or another man to love me and give me a sense of value.
When I returned to Jesus at the close of 1998, God restored my relationship with my father. It wasn’t immediately perfect. It took a lot of willingness and work. There were emotional bumps and bruises. We both had to lovingly forgive each other. I let satan drive a wedge in between my father and I for far too long. Through my own stubbornness, I let satan led me into homosexuality, cheat me out of a relationship with my father and then convince me that my father didn’t love me. I learned to serve God by watching my father serve others. I remembered his stories of being led by the Holy Spirit to stop by people’s houses and share the gospel. My dad was my first spiritual hero. He was the one that paved the way to the gospel, even as I was telling him I could care less. He would often pray in the living room of my childhood home until 3 am for my brother and I. He lifted my name up to God until I was ready to call on the name of God myself. One of my greatest hopes for young gay men who struggle with homosexuality today is that they have praying fathers. I pray for restoration with their fathers. I pray that restoration leads them into relationship with their heavenly father.
No matter how full of holes my relationship with my dad is, his words will always help restore me when the world attacks me with theirs. Our heavenly Father’s words have that same healing power my friends. God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that there is no place that you can go that is beyond his reach. There is freedom from homosexuality. I celebrate it daily. Don’t let the lies of the enemy determine your fate. God has a purpose and a plan for you beyond the scope of homosexuality.
In the next few weeks, I will be stepping into full time ministry. My plan is to share Jesus Christ and the truth about homosexuality with as many as will listen. My father has been walking this journey with me. Dad called today to tell me that I was courageous. He said I was courageous for going against the grain and quitting my job to reach the gay community with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have waited my whole life for those powerful words of affirmation from him. What an amazing day! He shared the following scriptures with me as well. Yay God!
Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread.”
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.”
“Hey!,” Small Town Preacher
I called myself a gay Christian until The Holy Spirit challenged that belief. “I see plenty of gay in the your life, but I don’t see a lot of Christianity”, He said. “Gay Christianity” was the religion I had crafted around the scriptures I chose to obey. The sin of homosexuality took precedence over any holiness in my life. My daily goal was to proselytize about homosexuality. Salvation through Jesus was often an accessory rather than a mantra. My faith took a backseat to my sexuality, as it does with many gay Christians. Some may disagree, but how many Christian pride parades have you seen lately? Jesus prefers to be Lord of our life, rather than to share our heart with sin. “…Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’ Matthew 16:24. In March of 1999, I was three months into leaving my gay life and returning to God. I moved back home; a small, Oklahoma town, population 1500. I started attending the church I grew up in. Sunday services were a necessary shot to my pride. My spirit screamed Yee-haw. My flesh was like “What the…?”
I wrote my pastor a letter about my past. I wasn’t sure how he’d respond, but I was learning to trust God. The pastor handled it better than expected. Two weeks later he preached a sermon in response to my letter, to a small town, sheltered, mostly older congregation. I’m sure they had there own “What the…?” moments that Sunday. He spoke with great wisdom. He defended wounded people and championed us to love people equally, but he stood firm against the sin of homosexuality. The Holy Spirit led me to love Jesus. Pastor Phil led me to love the bible. I want to share my letter, written over 10 years ago. I’ve learned a great deal more about the development of homosexuality in a person’s life. My opinions are no longer filtered through the veil of my broken sexuality. Hopefully this letter will help with your own walk out of homosexuality.
“Dear Phil,
There was a time, I thought, at the end of this trial I would be able to stand as an example to other men and women with the same plight. I would wear my healing as a badge so that others on earth could see what I had accomplished. I would be the light at the end of the tunnel. I alone would give them hope. I was wrong!
Ten years ago, when my journey into unrighteousness began, there were no real warning signs. I knew right from wrong. I also knew that I had never felt understood, loved or necessary. I heard the message of God’s love all my life. I learned of its power and unconditional nature. It went in one ear and straight to my heart. I never thought how those precious words might save my soul or light my path. I held them as weapons to use against people who judged me.
If I told you I was an alcoholic, you would pray for deliverance from my addiction. If I told you I was a smoker, your reaction would be similar. You see redemption for these sinners. These sins are prolific in our society.
My sin, however, is that I am a homosexual. What is your first reaction: prayer or disgust? Are you still concerned for my soul? Would you put me into a class of sinners for which there is no hope? A decision solely based on the belief that all homosexuals, not homosexuality, are a product of the devil? That is the way a lot of Christians see it. They see it as a sin that a person has taken on to themselves. In essence, a lot of people view it as the “second unforgivable sin.” When these beliefs became known to me God’s love suddenly become conditional.
The difference between a smoker or alcoholic and a homosexual, in my opinion, is very simple. Although they are all sins, smoking and drinking are voluntary in the beginning, homosexuality is not. One can stop purchasing alcohol or cigarettes or refuse to buy them in the first place. Homosexuality lives in ones mind as a parasite, “a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour”. Homosexual acts are voluntary. A homosexual can chose to remain abstinent. However, the desires still persist. Temptation is there, below the surface. The fight becomes harder each day. I am not justifying the sin. I want you to look at it from my viewpoint.
Homosexuality is a “Cadillac” among sins. The devil weaves it into a person’s life through natural processes such as puberty, sometimes through sexual abuse and as in my case, it appears as inherent knowledge. Some scientists have even proposed it to be genetic. If it is indeed genetic, then the devil has done his homework.
When the heterosexual world looks in from the outside they seem to believe that somewhere along the road, a person has chosen to become homosexual. No one chooses to be a part of a group that is ridiculed and persecuted for their beliefs. The only decision that homosexuals make is a decision to stop hiding their feelings; a decision to have the same opportunities as everyone else in society. The only decision made is the decision to be happy. They call the process “coming out of the closet”. They herald this event as the start of life; a single defining moment. “Coming out” is not a victorious triumph. It is a way to give in to the temptations without feeling the guilt. It is a pure and simple surrender to the forces of the devil.
The world is full of Christians who’d forgive you for murdering their firstborn before they’d help a repentant homosexual. So many times a preacher will be delivering a sermon about redemption. The expressions on his face demonstrate the love of God issuing forth from his heart. Then the expression changes to a scowl, blood vessels arise on his forehead and his voice intensifies. In disgust he utters the vilest words ever to be voiced in a church house, “Homosexual”! For many years I endured situations like this. Never once did I hear them identify the sin of homosexuality apart from the person that was a child of God. There always seems to be more people willing to convict than there are people willing to help.
When you are a little kid these feelings do not seem unnatural. I remember seeing an adult male that I found attractive at the age of seven. Well before the age of accountability. I told my brother that if the man were a girl I would date him. Somewhere in my mind I knew I was supposed to like girls, but with the innocence of a child I saw beauty in a man. As I grew older these unnatural feelings persisted. When someone tells you its wrong, you need answers. The number one question that every child asks is “WHY?”. No one was ever willing to give any answer other than “Because.” I think one reason so many homosexuals have embraced the sin is because the world is full of answers as to why it is normal. They are all the wrong answers, but they are answers nonetheless. The churches I have been to have not provided any answers, but seemed to have a healthy amount of judgment for the taking. At every corner it seems they have washed their hands of it altogether.
In the beginning I prayed nightly for God to make me normal. I believed that if it was such an abomination God would remove it. I thought Christians might be wrong about it. Everything I had prayed for had come true, except for this one request from God. God didn’t seem to want to take it out of my life, so it must be His will. I carried this weight around. I also carried those Christian principles with me. At one point I attempted to meld the two. I just knew that since homosexuality and Christianity were such an integral part of my life that God would accept me. I called myself a gay Christian. I helped other gay youths with their trials and tribulations. With the unusually high rate of suicide among gay teens I thought for sure I was sent to “talk them down from the ledge”. I would tell them that what they were feeling was not unnatural. I would relay my own experience. All the while my father was praying.
You talked about gay marriage the other day. I have to look at the fact that these people in their own confused way seem to be reaching for spiritual normalcy in their lives. Much the way I once believed. They feel that by entering into marriage and living a Christian life that all will be well.
I was one of those couples. I was dating someone who made me the happy. I felt love and acceptance. I wanted to have a union with this person. My partner did not agree with my beliefs. He did not believe in God. Also sex was an important part of his life. I thought God had sent me this person. How could we not want the same things? The Holy Spirit began to minister to me once again. I was searching for God, but in the wrong places. Dad paid us a visit and I got back on track. The relationship ended. I prayed my prayer again. “Please let me be normal!”
There are a fair number of couples, gay and straight, living in sin with no plans of marrying. Homosexual couples trying to make their union holy in the sight of God, are people who seem to want God in their life. The couples who do unite, don’t see homosexuality as the binding sin that will send them to hell. The churches accepting them are doing it for the wrong reasons, mostly financial. I simply wish there was a way for them to find the right church where God could begin to minister to their lives. They are people just like you and I. They need a voice going up to God for deliverance of their soul.
I met one young man who was the son of a Baptist minister. He told me that there was no place in his life for his Christian beliefs as well as his homosexuality. He chose the latter. Once again, the tiny amount of hope I had in my heart died, along with it the belief that I would ever be normal.
Ultimately it seemed if I was going to get right with God, I would be walking the road alone. My gay friends could not understand why I just wouldn’t accept my homosexuality. I was afraid to tell Christians for fear of judgment. I struggled with the idea that I would be alone. Once I became clean and new in the Lord, Christians would accept me when the homosexuals rejected me. No one wants to be alone. Though we always have God, there is still that part of us that craves human companionship.
God was kind enough to send me an angel in 1992. A wonderful person who had endured similar trials. She listened to my story, prayed for me and most of all, refused to judge me and add to my pain. I just received a letter from her. She is still so in love with God and professes His love for me. My dad has also been the spiritual light in my life. I know there has not been a day that has gone by that he has not prayed for me.
When I began this letter, I had written ten pages before I came up for a breather. I was angry at first. The spirit of the Lord arrested that anger and allowed me to speak my mind in a calmer fashion. The entire letter was written as I endured the voice of the devil placing mental images in my mind. He also tried to make me believe once again that God had not taken this sin out of my life, because it was my calling in life. It was who I am. He tried to pit me against the church that “judged” me and also the Lord that loves me.
I didn’t want to have to wake up everyday and pray, “God please don’t let me be gay today!” What kind of a life would that be? Would that be true healing? I thought if I prayed about this that one day it would go away. The day I realized it was something I might have to pray about each day, I wept uncontrollably. I still cry about it from time to time. In the case of the smoker, there is program after program about how to quit. Alcoholics have AA, drug treatment hospitals, halfway houses, family intervention and a wealth of other avenues. What does a gay man or woman in today’s society have? Judgment!
My goal in writing this letter is not to promote acceptance or tolerance. I simply would like you to have an idea what it is like to have this sin in one’s life. A sin that for a time seemed as natural as breathing; as natural as a man’s love for a woman. What men take for granted each day, something as simple as love for a woman, I find unattainable and foreign. I have to pray for that love to manifest itself in my life. When you preached that message about a besetting sin. I felt God had finally heard my cries. There could have been 5000 people in that church and I still think that message was meant for me. This was another prayer I prayed for a time. “God if it is wrong for me to feel love for a man, then let me only have love for you. I could not feel love for a woman. I will do as you wish God. I will not express this love for a man, but I do not wish to feel the same love for a woman. I would have to start all over. I do not want to do that. I simply want to live my life loving you.”
In essence I was praying for God to make me a Catholic priest, I suppose. It was a horrible prayer. I can see that now. I was trying to punish God, because I felt slighted that I could not be a homosexual and it was unnatural. If he didn’t want me to be gay I did not want his natural plan for my life. I have since stopped using that prayer. Although I want people to begin to pray for the homosexual community, I don’t think that should be our focus. There are plenty of besetting sins out there. Mine was homosexuality. Believe it or not, there are gays out there who are searching for the spiritual truth. I know I am not alone. They need to know that someone cares. I think we as a church need to reach out and pray for God’s will in their life, instead of just assuming they are already headed for hell.
I have a long way to go, but I continue my daily walk towards the Lord. I have learned so many things over the years about God’s love. The scripture about bringing your child up in the way of the Lord and when he is old he will not depart from it, holds true. God held onto me for 10 years, because someone cared enough to mention my name in prayer. I simply want others to have the same chance that I have.”
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"
This is gonna sound like the chorus of Sweet Brown’s YouTube Remix of “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” before I’m through. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Though I’ll be using His name as an exclamation of wonder rather than to express the amazement that my house almost burned down with me inside it.
Unbeknownst to many it was Shamu, not Jesus, that brought me back to God. I dreamt of training Killer Whales since I was 14. Thirteen years later that dream became reality. For years I listened to naysayers and dreamkillers that said it is impossible. In 1992 when I heard about a Marine Biology Class offered in the Bahamas; a glimmer of hope appeared on the horizon. I took the class and began to dream again.
I would find myself at Texas A&M Galveston the next semester, pursuing a degree in Marine Biology. I was one step closer to swimming with Shamu. God had placed the dream on my heart. satan was planning too. That same semester I began dating a guy, who was the son of a Baptist minister. I knew I was supposed to be pursuing Jesus and not a gay life, but life was on my terms now. Luckily, God showed up on our first date in a simple conversation. Jason began to talk about his life. “I grew up Christian, but I knew I was gay”, he said. “I had to choose between the two. I chose gay”. Jason’s statements echoed in my head. No sooner had he said, “I chose gay”, than the Holy Spirit said, “That’s not an option for you”. My spirit agreed. My flesh continued to wrestle with the dilemma of Christianity and my homosexual desires for years.
I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 10 years old at youth camp. Yet even after my angry and ugly, teenage years, Jesus held on to me. When I became a rebellious, misbehaving adult, he directed my paths. I always looked for fulfillment in the arms of other guys, but it was Jesus Christ that gave me what I was searching for in December of 1998.
The final, fateful prayer I would make as a gay man went something like this. “Jesus I‘ve tried for 10 years to make my life work. I have schemed and planned and lived life like I wanted. I’ve gotten nowhere. I am giving you the reigns of my life now. Take control. Let’s see if you can make it work.” It was a desperate cry for help swaddled in a prideful challenge to God. Thank You Jesus for seeing the state of my heart.
I have a friend who says he didn’t leave gay because it was bad. He left gay, because He found something better. I have to agree. If you are gay and proud and have wandered across my blog, please keep reading. Before you label me a bigot, a hater or even an ignorant Christian, know this. I was once where you are now. I was bullied, teased, judged and rejected. I believe a lot of things about myself that God didn’t. Regardless of the debate in the world today, Jesus Christ loves you. He is crazy about you. If you have known Him before and fallen away, He wants you back. If you and I disagree, it doesn’t matter. Jesus is the only thing that matters. He is the key to having a fulfilling life. If you’ve been searching, let your search end with a prayer to Jesus. It needn’t be eloquent or scripted. Yell. Scream. Whisper. Sob. Forget the debate in the world. Remember the Savior of the world. Tell Jesus what you want. Tell Him what you need. Trust that He sees your pain. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
There is a God Who has the ability to transform your life and change your circumstance. Romans 4:17 “…God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.”
Romans 10:13 “for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Endless Search?
Back in the day I dated a lot of guys searching for Mr. Right. Mr. Wrong showed up a lot more often. Yes I said “searching for ‘Mr. Right’ ”. Biblically controversial, but my reality. I grew up starved for healthy, male affection. My relationships with men brought pain and disappointment. At the beginning of my gay life, sex was never the goal. I wanted guy friends to love and value me. I found acceptance from gay men I hadn’t experienced with other guys. The only trouble I experienced in my dating relationships with men was the inherent imbalance. God designed men with sex drive and women with emotional drive thereby establishing balance in relationships. With two men in a relationship, the sex drive is doubled. I didn’t set out to be promiscuous, but with guys the sexual tension over road the balance. The search for value led me down a dark path. My moral convictions faded with each passing relationship.
There was one guy who loved me as best he could. God didn’t ordain our relationship, but being monogamous for a year kept me safe from other sexual exploits. The relationship was doomed from the start. I was trying to be gay and Christian. He was extremely intelligent and an atheist. I knew our relationship was wrong in God’s eyes. He “knew” the church hated “us”. I felt guilty about sex. He didn’t. He was more sexually adventurous than me. I found myself pulled into more explicit forms of sexual expression. My need for value was overshadowed by more carnal desires.
He used to grab and hold my penis the way a couple might hold hands. It was awkward. I felt like my penis was the most important part of me. I wondered, “Does he love me or does he just want sex?” When I said that it bothered me, he got offended. He put the blame back on me. I honestly think he felt judged. Looking back, I see his point. The grabbing was way less sexual than the rest of our lives. I was like a “bank robber” caught holding a duffle full of cash, accusing my partner in crime of being a thief.
Later I proposed we remain celibate for our commitment ceremony. I wanted to be “pure” before God. My thought process: “If gay is the only thing that God sees wrong with me, He’s wrong. He made me gay. He has to let me into heaven if I apply biblical principles for marriage to my gay relationship. I didn't chose gay. God didn't take it away. I ‘followed’ His rules.” Needless to say, my partner didn’t share my beliefs. He broke up with me. “Was sex more important to him than me?” “Were my doubts confirmed?” That night, he apologized and we continued dating, but broke up for good a few months later. There was no reconciling my Christian faith, his atheism, and our relationship.
I felt like more of a possession than a person in my relationships with men. Sex was most often the focal point. satan kept me bound by offering just enough table scraps to keep me hungry and weak, but interested. satan always offers a substitute for God’s plan. My friends, no guy will ever treat you with as much care, as Jesus Christ. Men may want your body. Jesus wants your heart. My relationship with Jesus, led me to discover the truth about my homosexual desires. He also led me to some amazing men of God. My search for value will only end at the Cross-if I choose to let it. Jesus asks that I surrender my old life to Him; in exchange for a new one.
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Power Struggle
A friend of mine, who happens to be gay, asked me the following question. “Why do some gay men obsess over female celebrities?” I pondered for a moment. Then I gave him a multi-layered answer spanning the course of many years. Just like homosexual desires can’t adequately be addressed with “I was born this way”, the reason some gay men focus heavily on powerful or influential women has its complexities. Picture it, Oklahoma, the 70’s. My family dynamic was hopelessly askew. Growing up in the Walker household, Hazel, not Jack, was in charge. Dad was the disciplinarian, but mom orchestrated our lives. My mom struggled with bi-polar disorder. She ruled with screams, tears or silence. My brother and I gravitated to opposite parents. I was my mom’s son and thus learned how to be a human by watching her. My mom’s maiden name was Williams. William’s women were a force to be reckoned with. Developmental Math Equation: Sensitive male child + A strong woman = Emasculated, little boy. Words synonymous with emasculated: powerless, helpless, impotent, weakened, feeble and ineffectual.
Dad was powerless to stop mom’s hurtful words and actions. He said it was easier to surrender me to my mom, than to fight for me. His words brought with them a great sadness. The enemy told me a thousand lies a minute. “You must have done something wrong to make your dad not love you.” I spent my entire life wondering if I even mattered. Suddenly it made sense why I looked for acknowledgement in the eyes of every man I walked past. I was silently screaming, “Isn’t there any man out there who would simply love me?” I wasn’t looking for sex. I was looking for acceptance, value and my identity as a man. I wasn’t been “born gay”. My damage was the aftermarket result of a lifetime of neglect and abandonment. I saw my dad as passive. Women bulldoze passive men. I don’t want to be a man like dad. I feel different than other men. I don’t identify with men at all.
Mom was in control and I was her favorite. I didn’t always like her methods, but I liked her results. I grew up feeling weak, shy and inadequate in her shadow. I saw dad the same way. Mom was the exact opposite. My close proximity to her, allowed me to mimic her habits. I manipulated people to get what I wanted. Under mom’s wing, I was protected from my father. Mom lavished her love and affection on me. She confided in me. For a long time, I was her source of emotional support. It became a way of life for me. Yet, not even I was safe from her occasional manic outbursts. It was like standing in the flames of hell and hoping for an occasional glimpse of heaven. After 18 years of having my voice silenced, I perceived women to be more powerful than men. I identified more with women, than I ever did with men. No one challenged them. They were strong, courageous and bold. I envied their “power” and saw it as the means necessary to breakthrough my feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness to become a person people respected.
I once shared one of my journal entries with my friend Kathy. I wrote, “I wish I could sing like Whitney Houston.” I was embarrassed, but we had a good laugh. Whitney embodied some of the same characteristics I saw in my mom: Strength, Boldness, Independence and Power. I idolized Whitney, not because I was gay, but because early childhood development shaped who I looked to for direction. Other childhood heroes included Wonder Woman, Samantha from Bewitched, The Designing Women, The Golden Girls and Madonna. Laugh if you will, but they were strong, powerful people who confidently took care of themselves. If my childhood taught me anything, it was the need to take care of myself. No one else was going to do it. Ultimately, my journey out of anonymity in search of purpose came from a very broken place, not from a genetics textbook. I looked a lot of places for answers, before I ever turned to Jesus, but eventually I surrendered my life to Him.
My answer to my friend’s question? A lot of sensitive boys raised by strong women, are subject to my same disillusions. They possibly suffered a disconnection with dad or dad was absent and mom instinctively “took the helm of the ship”. Therefore the model for a young boy to emulate becomes mom, not dad. A lot of gay men’s lives mirrored mine. The world is a broken place and we’ll find our value in persons, places and things. Men who struggle with homosexuality often end up being people pleasers or over achievers. I think it arises out of a need to add meaning and value to our lives. The broken relationships of our past set us up for failure with rudimentary social skills. We find ourselves using any means necessary to get and keep friends in our lives. No life will endure being pushed aside and forgotten for long. Something’s gotta give. Most people want to feel special, to be heard and to know that they matter. I’ve found that people will take any avenue necessary to make that happen.
I think it's always necessary to bring it back to scripture. James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
The following book brought hope help and healing to me. “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: When a parent’s love rules your life”- by Dr. Patricia Love.
(A disclaimer. I don’t doubt for a second that my mother loved me and did the best she could with the limited tools in her “toolkit”. However, replicated brokenness is still brokenness. If you are a mom like mine, don’t take this a rebuke. Take it as a second chance to do right by your son and yourself. It’s the best way to help mend his broken sexuality and your broken heart.)