Little Rainbow That Could
Do you ever feel completely lost in the world? Like some outside source has pressed pause on your life, as the rest of the world races about. I am in a Starbucks in Toronto. From Toronto to Orlando, it appears that Rainbow flag manufacturers have been working overtime. This part of Toronto is steeped in gay culture. While some folks are completely at home in such a place, I'm a little apprehensive and to be honest, a little hopeless. There are Canadian, rainbow flags, bank advertisements, businesses and even governmental organizations all proclaiming alliance with the gay community by the simple juxtaposition of their logos with rainbow flags. One ATM stop sported a rainbow bulls-eye painted on the sidewalk and bank building. In order to get cash you had to stand in the center of the rainbow. I thought, how prophetic, every human stands in the epicenter of rainbow-ic influence. It is all around us.
Almost overnight, LGBT influence grew exponentially, after the mass shooting in Orlando. The message of freedom from homosexuality that I preach, was shunned before, but most politely disagreed. Now any word spoken in opposition to the LGBTQ ideology stands a good chance of facing outright, religious persecution. When banks and businesses invest in promoting the gay agenda, they have power to negatively impact the lives of anyone who has an unfavorable opinion of the proliferation of gay influence. Can you imagine the power or the persecution if a bank or business tried to use it’s influence to proclaim the name of Jesus?
What might have initially started out as a push for equal rights has now festered into an all out push for influence, dominance, and ultimately power in the marketplace. Those influencing public opinion from gay circles aren't out to equalize culture. They are out to become the dominate voice in all rhetoric regarding sex, sexuality and religion, stifling all dissenting opinions by whatever means necessary.
Toronto has been eye opening. Yesterday in one part of the city there was a Jesus-fest and in another, people celebrating gay Pride. Interestingly enough, a group of influential people in the city tried to stop the Jesus event, but many petitioned and Jesus won. Imagine the backlash if Christian leaders had attempted to squelch the Pride event?
We are facing a time, not only in our country, but in the world where Christians need to be doing two things simultaneously. We need to be on our knees in prayer for the lost, not just for those in the gay community, but the lost in general. We must also continue to speak the name of Jesus and share our testimonies, despite the persecution. Hebrews 13:6 says "...so that I may say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not fear what man can do to me." Every human needs Jesus. Not allah. Not Buddha. Not Love, Light and positive energy, for goodness sakes that sounds like a description for a new Microwave, anyway. Just Jesus. If we, as Christians presented a more approachable demeanor, maybe the lost would leave their false gods and flock to the voice of the One True God.
Not so many years ago, it was Christians proclaiming their faith in the public sector, while gay men and women celebrated quietly and cautiously in silence. I should know. I was one of those men, scared and afraid of Christians and suffering in silence. Now, many Christians share their faith with great trepidation, as the world proclaims allegiance and alliance with the LGBT gods. No person should cower in fear from another. Neither should the gay community call the stifling of Christian beliefs, tolerance, when their actions are more indicative of a dictatorship.
Christians must bring Jesus to the world in an effective way. The bible says that an effective, fervent prayer will accomplish much. It’s presumptuous to expect the world to come find Jesus where we are. Some of them have been to our churches and for whatever reason have left. Those who haven't been to our churches base their opinions off conversations with unsatisfied, church customers.
Whatever the case, someone has got to swallow their pride and reach over the burgeoning wall that's been under construction for decades. They may steeped in Pride, but we are seasoned with the Holy Spirit. Greater is He is that is in us people, than he that is in the world. Remember? The word calls us to leave the 99 and search for the one. Jesus says, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel.” He never said, fight to prove you are right.
I think of the scripture in Ephesians 6:12 that says "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Satan is the enemy. Humans are affected by the spiritual influences whether they believe in it or not. We believe, so we know how to fight for the lost, even as they hate and disagree with us. They are still beloved by God and so talented and gifted by God.
Even though I feel deep love and pity for my gay friends, I am troubled to see Orlando synonymous with the rainbow flag. It is a Godly symbol that has been hijacked by the gay community and promotes oppression and rebellion, not freedom. My heart aches as a banner of brokenness flies over Orlando. Yet, I am reminded that the hurting and lost need our prayers, not resentment and cold shoulders. My church and others have stepped up to embrace the needs of those affected by the tragedy. A tragedy committed against a community I used to call home. I am grateful that churches are placing value on individual lives. I still have friends in the gay community. I would mourn their loss if they were senselessly taken from this world.
Satan uses every angle to drive a wedge between God and the God’s creation. He uses death and destruction. He occasionally dabbles in emotional manipulation. Ministry to the LGBTQ+ community will look different in Orlando going forward. As a Christian man who walked away from the sin of homosexuality, I am called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. That gospel calls people to repent of their sin, not tolerate it. For sure I will offend with tales of my journey, though not my intention. The gospel is offensive, because it points out our carnal nature and commands us to live better. When Oprah says live better everyone cheers. Let Jesus speak the same words and people start reaching for their stones. Yet, the gospel can be preached with love and compassion more effectively than with anger and vengeance.
I believe that a time of persecution is coming for Christians in America who speak the truth in regards to all sin. If they would begin to speak the truth rather than slink into silence. God is our fortress in times of trouble. The enemy of God seeks to destroy lives and attack anyone who lives according to the gospel of Christ. God does not leave us hopeless and lost. He sent Jesus as the answer to the question of our sin. He also gave us commandments in his word.
“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land.” -2 Chronicles 7:14
Let me be; that Man
Each morning, many members of the family of illuminate church read the same devotional from wherever they find themselves on the planet. The devotion is the brainchild of Pastor Wayne Cordero and can be found here: www.lifejournal.cc. We are currently reading selections from the book of Numbers, which, I know sounds about as riveting as having a root canal with no anesthetic. BUT...I found this awesome nugget from God today.
So his guy named Balaam, yes the same Balaam with the talking Donkey, was being paid to put a curse Israel. However, each time Balaam opened his mouth, God led him to bless Israel, which really angered the guy paying him to curse Israel. On the third try, the Spirit of God came over Balaam and he began a third and final blessing with these words.
Numbers 24:3b-4 "The utterance of the man whose eyes are opened, the utterance of him who hears the words of God, who sees the vision of the Almighty, who falls down , with eyes wide open."
Here was my prayer to God after reading this scripture. "I pray that I am that man. That my eyes be opened and no longer shrouded in fear. That my ears would be open to everything God is speaking and not just the things that I want to hear God say. That I have a taste and a desire for God's ultimate plan. That I remain humble in HIs presence and obedient to His call on my life, His vision for man and reverent to His name and vast resumé." I pray that for each of you right now. Each of you as the man or woman that God created you to be. God still has a plan for you.
Remember these people: 1) the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8, 2) the man crippled since birth in Acts 14, 3) the 10 lepers of Luke 17, 4) a beggar named Blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10, 5) the paralytic man of Mark 2 whose friends lowered him through the roof .
And finally this guy 6) The man in John 5 at the pool of Bethesda was sick for thirty-eight years.
Jesus saw this guy lying there. Jesus knew that he had been in that condition a long time. Jesus says to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”
How many times have you said, “I can’t", "I don’t know how", "There’s no way”.
Jesus has come to say to us: "I know what you struggle with", "I know how long you have struggled with it", and "I’m not interested in your excuses and your explanations".
I just want to know one thing, “Do you want to be made well?”
Father God, I ask that you encourage every Christian who desires a closer walk with You today. Give them ears to hear what You are speaking to them and over them. Give them a vision for Your perfect will. Lead them into a deeper relationship with You. Amen.
Eyes on Your Own Ballot
Earlier today a young man that I mentored sent me a link to an unsettling, but not surprising blog post. Apparently, it came out that Randy Thomas, the former Vice President of Exodus International, well, “Came Out”. My friend was emotional. To be honest, it upset me for a millisecond and then I went back to reading my daily devotion. As the day wore on, I felt no need to write an impassioned blog response, adding fuel to a fire that was smoldering at best. While some may see this a great opportunity to dialogue about the woes of gay Christianity, I felt like God was simply saying, tell them about my Son Jesus and what He did for you; about His plan of redemption and mercy for humanity. Don’t trouble yourself with the people who have ultimately rejected God’s plan laid out in the scriptures. That last line wasn’t a dig at anyone. We either say, Yes to Jesus and follow God’s plan for our lives, or we allow sin of any kind to gain a foothold in our life and reject God’s plan by making Jesus a contributor to our plan instead of the Savior of our life. First off, let me just say that Jesus Christ is still working on me. I’m terrible with finances, I drink too much soda and I used to secretly take pictures of larger people at Golden Corral while they weren’t looking. I’m a work in progress, but I fully admit there are areas where I need work. I don’t sit back and try to convince anyone that they should accept and celebrate my faults.
For example, take the area of my sexual brokenness. I lived as a gay man in my mind a lot longer than the actual ten years I lived as a gay man after coming out. I tried to convince everyone that I was “born gay” and then that I was a “gay Christian”. I couldn’t explain my same sex attractions away, so I tried to convince people that God had created me gay. Why?
I felt my same sex attractions deeply, down to my very core.
Thank God there was nobody reinterpreting the bible to validate homosexuality back then. Satan is using so many people as mouthpieces today in an effort to twist scripture and legitimize homosexuality. I knew the bible spoke out against homosexuality and that the only thing supporting my decision to be gay was the aforementioned, “deep-seated” feelings of unknown origin. In my thought life, “they just were there”. This led to the belief that I had no choice, I just had to build a life around them, because they weren’t going away.
I eventually walked away from my gay life. Why would I walk away now when I couldn’t bring myself to walk away before? Had my feelings changed? Did God appear me to in a cloud or a bright light on the highway? No and no. God simply allowed my gay life to lead me to the dead end where it will eventually lead everyone. Though my feelings had not changed, every ounce of belief that I could be fulfilled and happy as a gay man was gone. True, there was nothing that could separate me from the love of God, but God never placed His blessing on the gay life I was leading. It was outside of His will for my sexuality and the whole of His creation. The grace and mercy of God was that He kept His protective hand on me as I defiantly lived a life that screamed, “NO GOD”, until I was ready to return to Him humbly whispering, “Yes God.”
Every day of my life as a Christian, Jesus gives me the choice to choose life or death. He encourages me to choose life, but He gives me the option to choose death if I want to, it’s the beauty and the curse of Free Will. The choice seems like a no brainer to all those folks out there with minor struggles, but satan has honed his skills since his first act of deception in the garden. He has managed to cloud the choice between life and death by disguising death as a better, more palatable version of “life”. Its troubling to see anyone choose death, but no man who has ever spent time at the altar of an Exodus conference ever walks back into homosexuality easily. They deserve our prayers, but not our judgment or approval. Jesus suffered and endured the pain and anguish of the cross so we could have a choice to wholeheartedly follow God’s will or allow the cares of this world and the allure of sin to cause us to reject His will. Manage your own decision well before ever casting a vote in someone else’s election.
My relationship with Jesus is where my heart rises and falls every day. There will always be temptations to return to the places I was comfortable, no matter what, but I rest assured that temptation is not sin nor does it define my sexual preference or identity. In Christ there will always be a choice as well. The bible I read, speaks of redemption from every manner of sexual sin, including homosexuality. It says that God has a purpose and a plan for man and satan screwed that all up. It says that Jesus Christ came to earth, was crucified and was resurrected from the dead so that you and I can have life and have it more abundantly.
To me that says that I can choose not to live a life forever looking through the viewfinder of homosexuality. All sinful, sexual practices in the bible are still categorized together, because they are all outside the only God ordained sexual expression, which is between a married man and woman. Homosexuality has only been separated out, because it has one heck of a public relations team and thousands of testimonials from “satisfied” customers.
It is not God’s will that anyone live a life based on homosexuality or any other sinful practice. We have the choice to surrender all the broken, sinful parts of our lives to God. He will show each of us the path He has chosen for us to follow based on the bible, or we can choose to follow a path and a god of our own design based on thoughts, feelings and flawed human reason.
Deuteronomy 30:19 “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live…”
Hope? or HOPE!
It’s confession time! I didn’t know how far gone I was until a few weeks ago. As I started formulating the “Our Beliefs” section of the ministry website, I choked. Thick doubt settled over me like fallout from a volcano filled with fear and despair, erupting in my head, enveloping my soul in a toxic cloud of rancid hopelessness. Or maybe it was just a little gas. Anyway, my goal was to share the message that Freedom (from Homosexuality) is Possible, but that phrase has lost some credibility from the ex-gay Christian community. My intention was to proclaim the truth that “Freedom is Possible” for those who want out of homosexuality and the truth of the gospel to those with opposing beliefs. I wasn’t sharing to condemn. I was sharing because once upon a time it was a statement that brought about hope.
So I was stuck. Was I holding on to old ideas on principle alone? Was I afraid of change? Or were the new ideas unbiblical? Was the message I “grew up” on filled with hate or had SIN simply found a better PR/marketing team? My compromised mind hadn’t been evident until I began to write for the website. As I typed, I shimmied to the top of the fence and sat right in the middle, where so many others had taken roost. I wrote the following.
“We believe that those who read God's word on a daily basis, pursue God in prayer and daily surrender their same sex desires to Him will experience a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.”
When I sent the email to my web lady, my stomach was in knots. I didn’t believe what I had just typed, but I typed it to satiate the masses listening to “a new gospel of half hearted hope” blowing on the wind. I felt myself slipping deeper into the sewers of political correctness. With a few simple keystrokes I had succumbed to the doubts that had been brewing in the ex-gay Christian community for months. Instead of standing firm on scripture that we can do all things through Jesus Christ, like I said before, I choked. I gave people reason to doubt God and gave God an easy way out. In the event that He ‘couldn’t’ or ‘wouldn’t’ help someone walk free from homosexuality, I was covered.
“…a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.” The words haunted me. I kept screaming inside my head, “That is not what I believe!” “What if I tell people there is freedom from homosexuality and they don’t experience the same freedom that I have?” “Will they turn their back on God?” “What right do I have to give anyone a license to hope?” I wanted to offer people the same hope that Jesus Christ had given me in 1998 and for 12 years in Exodus circles, but I caught myself torn between the tortured sentiment of gay Christians and their sympathizers and the truth of God’s word. I had accused others of preaching a watered down gospel and here I was doing the same thing.
“Freedom is Possible” and another catch phrase, “Change is Possible” have come under fire, because there were people who attended Exodus conferences over the years that said they had not experienced a noticeable level of change in their sexual attractions. Sorry friends, but I was not on that list. Since I left homosexuality in 1998, I have experienced a noticeable change in my attractions. I’m not a regular attendee at Hooter’s, but I ain’t hold up in Rainbowville either. I’m in process, but I am a little further down the assembly line than the kid I was in 1998. I experienced change and freedom, because I read books, attended conferences, asked for prayer, confessed and asked for help, prayerfully followed conference advice, attended an Exodus ministry and church, read the bible, prayed and held Jesus’ hand as we exhumed the skeleto-emotional remains of my past.
My daily devotional today is found in Genesis and Luke. I use the reading plan at www.lifejournal.cc. The story of Lot’s wife has always fascinated me. The bible says that she looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. In the notes section of my bible, it says this “Lot’s wife was trailing behind him with her heart still in Sodom, looked back, died…”. In warning people about the perils of looking back, Jesus reminds us of Lot’s wife in Luke 17:31-33
Walking away from homosexuality is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. There were days that I “looked back”, days I prayed for a different struggle and days that I drowned my sorrows in gay porn and masturbation. But, at the end of the day, I did my best to honor my commitment to God and my conviction that homosexuality in any form: whether acting out sexually or maintaining a gay identity, though celibate was not God’s best for my life.
There are many reasons why people who decide to leave homosexuality behind “look back”. If we leave pieces of our heart scattered throughout a sexually charged past, it will eventually call out to us and we will be tempted to return. The bible says to sit down and count the cost before ‘investing your life into in a big project’. People underestimate the power of sin in their lives. Failure can also be attributed to the lure of sexual sin, unbelief and human failure. It can never be attributed to God. God will never fail us, but he doesn’t always do things our way. People fail all the time, yet in attempt to shirk blame and responsibility, they pin their failures on God and the Christians who appear to be getting it right. Proverbs 19:3 says it best, “A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.”
After much prayer and devotional time, I came to a different conclusion today than I had that day, working on the website. Many in the ex gay movement may have given up on true freedom and settled for the scraps that fall from the Master’s table, but I won’t be among them. Over and over again, God has used people to share the following scripture with me. God has called me to live the Isaiah 61:1 life. It says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”
Luke 7:22 “So he (Jesus) replied to the messengers, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.” Jesus performed feats of healing that caused the crowds to marvel. My life and the lives of so many others who have walked away from homosexuality are miracles.
“…TO PROCLAIM FREEDOM FOR THE CAPTIVES and RELEASE FROM FROM DARKNESS FOR THE PRISONERS”. Hmmm. That is pretty clear. These same words can also be found in Luke 4:18. God has raised me up to proclaim freedom for men and women trapped in homosexuality. It isn’t false hope and condemnation to proclaim true freedom. It’s actually the most loving thing a person can do for someone who is lost. It isn’t me making promises I can’t keep. It is the truth of God’s Word proclaiming that freedom and release are available to everyone.
Sweeping the Path
I was reflecting the other day on my animal keeping career that spanned almost 2 decades. These are the photos from that life. It truly was, "Life on stage"; on display for all the world to see. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Gladiator. "The time for honoring yourself is coming to and end." There is no doubt that my love for animals drew me to places like Sea World, but I think it was my love for the attention that the stage affords a person that kept me there. For 6 years I planned my exit from Sea World, but the thought of leaving that "stage" was too much to contemplate at times. I knew that God was calling me to honor him and submit my life, my need for attention and all the rest to Him. God has given me some great gifts over the last 15 years. They haven't come without hard work, but for sure they would have never worked out without God's divine orchestration. As I look back over my life, the pictures above represent times in my life where I was "in the groove" and/or grossly underprepared and about as inept as those wahoos in Washington, D.C. Looking back I can say I was a Christian the whole time, but I think my agenda was sharing "stage time" with the dreams and goals that God had prepared for me long ago. It took me a long time to get here. Mistrust was involved for sure.
I grew up in a house where fear was instilled around every corner. It was as much as part of my day as breathing. One doesn't simply stop being fearful, even though the bible says "Fear Not" 365 times. LOL. I didn't stop being afraid, I just hid from it for many years. I also became somebody else. I was tired of getting hurt at every turn so I became someone who could defend, rather aggressively at times, himself. I let pain, hurt and anger keep me bound and shape my future. I was desperate for a place to belong; a place where I didn't hurt every freakin' moment. A therapist asked me once, "What do you do with your pain?" The reason he asked me is because every time I would bring up a painful memory, I would laugh and dismiss it as if it were nothing. I had developed an awful habit of deflecting pain away from my heart by attacking it like the body attacks a virus. I would grab the pain and wrap it up in "nice little white boxes with red bows and then put it on a shelf to be experienced later." That is what I told him. The only problem was that I had built up a reserve of pain spanning years. The memories of hurt could be accessed faster than any super computer known to man. I wasn't dealing with my pain and allowing healing to come. I was using it as a weapon against myself and those who tried to get close to me. I was managing my pain like a zookeeper manages wild animals, having to always be on guard around them. That same therapist shared this with me of my homosexuality. He proposed that I had "invented an entirely different life to manage my pain." He couldn't have been more right. I became a snarky bitch as a gay man, because it kept people away from my heart. It also kept them from hurting those close to me. I have seen that same attitude from many men in the gay community. I believe it's a protection mechanism.
God recently showed me that during the last few years at Sea World, I began taking more of an interest in training people than animals. There was also an admission that God helped me make, that I was reticent to talk about. I had been unhappy at work for awhile and in my drive to set things right, for myself, I had become a beacon of negativity to my fellow co-workers. Here's what I learned, "Leaders are leading people whether they are speaking positively or negatively." I was a leader at Sea World and yet I was depleting the enjoyment of others around me, because I was unhappy. If you call yourself a Christian or a minister of the gospel, you don't get to tell people when they can and cannot look watch your life. As a Christian, you are always "on stage". You get forgiveness for bad behavior, but you are responsible for every bad seed you sow that takes root. Why was I, a man who called himself a Christian, sowing bad seeds? Mistrust again. Misunderstanding of who God is and who I am as a Christian. The misbelief that because I was a Christian that everything was supposed to go my way. To put it simply: Hurt, pain, betrayal. The big three that will throw anyone off course. I let my pain sidetrack me from the goal once again. Our daily bible reading this morning was so good. It was like standing under Niagara Falls with your mouth open. Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." I was not following the golden rule during my daily routine at Sea World. I was too focused on my needs to be any good to anyone else.
"I am responsible for every word that comes out of my mouth." It's a tough realization looking over my past and realizing that I am responsible for the spiritual and emotional weeds in my life and the lives of those around me. Another quote I heard recently from Rick Warren was that Gossips are emotional terrorists. They wage war on an opponent without letting the opponent know they are even in a battle. I remember the day at work that my attitude changed. I heard from my own co-workers that they wished that the people with all the negativity would keep it to themselves or just get over it. When we replay an argument or an offense over and over in our mind or daily in conversation with others, we are giving ancient pain, new life and new authority to hurt us. At the end of the day, I had a Sunday Come to Jesus meeting with Jesus...of course. God was telling me that my mission field wasn't just those people in the gay community. My mission field is every person that says "Hello" to me today, tomorrow and every day from now on.
Rebuke. Look it up. It's a word that Christians are real familiar with when they have their weapons pointed at offenders, but one they staunchly avoid when the tables are turned. I'll admit it. When you think you are really doing well and God brings up something you did wrong, or someone you hurt, your first reaction is to rationalize like a champ. IT SUCKS, but rebuke is not an option for Christians. It's part of our refining process. Matthew 5:48 "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." My bible notes say this, "Not necessarily without sin, but mature and complete in the likeness of God." I won't be perfect this side of heaven, but I must make every effort to keep the pathway between me and God clear. Understand? A tortured and bogged down Christian will find it difficult to share a victorious life in Christ if they aren't living it.
"It's a new season." This song is playing in the background as I type. "To make all things new. To make me come alive." How crazy awesome is God, to allow that song to play as I tell you about a new season in my life. As I trust in God, He creates a new reality for me. Many people have asked me over and over again if I miss the animals at Sea World and the answer is an unequivocal "YES". But I know God has called me on to greater things. There is nothing better in this life than sharing Jesus with others and seeing them "Come alive". The pictures above represent a different life, a different time and a different me. The ones below? Well, this is my life now. There were years I thought I would never have any friends. God has opened up the storehouses of heaven and now they just won't stop coming. My prayer in this new season is that God allows me to "See every face, Hear every broken heart and be the man to others that He created me to be." That includes a rebuke every now and then and a constant sweeping of the pathway so that new guests can find their way to Jesus just like I did so long ago. God bless you and those you have chosen to do life with. We are glad you are here!
Suicidal Thoughts
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My introduction to the concept of suicide happened as early as six years old. My mom had locked herself in her room in a fit of deep depression and anger and was threatening to kill herself with my father’s shotgun. I remember sitting in the darkened hallway of my childhood home, crouching against her door in an effort to be close to my mom. That day stood as a beacon of torment in my life for decades. I was crying, begging, pleading with her to stop. She was screaming and crying from the other side of the door as well. Time has thankfully blurred the torturous commentary from my recollection. What I do remember is wondering where my father was that day. Maybe he had experienced this before, but this was my initiation into the world of my mom’s bipolar disorder; and it would affect the rest of my life. Though my mother’s mood swings would never again reach the previous all time low, my life was irrevocably caught in the wake of her mental illness.
Many years later my own thoughts would turn to suicide, but I was already conditioned to being the good son, the straight ‘A’ kid, the boy who always followed the rules. In other words, I scared to do the wrong thing and suicide was extremely wrong in my head. So when I felt myself approaching the point of checking out, there was some part of my psyche that screamed “NO!!!” Though I wasn’t allowed to commit suicide, no one had ever said I couldn’t write about it.
At the age of 19 I authored the following poem, with years of mental, physical and verbal abuse from my mother and my personal struggle with homosexuality as my inspiration.
Death is the Answer 6-2-91
To allow the soul to go on in so much pain is an undoing of the mind.
One quick snap is all that would solve the equation of life and death.
Over and over it turns in one’s mind
What will be added to your side of the equation next?
One side is not like the other
problems + distress + loneliness should be equal to the exactly the same.
But one quick snap could equal them all to a solution.
Click.
Try again another day
Should a person in a cataclysmic mindset be allowed to roam the earth unheard?
It is necessary that they be heard and helped
Lifted up and healed
So much pain dwells in a soul
held captive by a mind and a body
Set the soul free to roam
find its own answers.
One quick snap is all it would take
Click.
Click.
Oh…FREEDOM!
The frequency of hurt and pain of my twenties would lend further inspiration to one other poem about suicide. Then life would stabilize a bit, as I left home behind and my mother’s influence.
Within the past few years, suicidal thoughts made a resurgence in my life. They were offered up by satan as an alternative to the hurt and pain that had once again kicked up in my life, because of ministry failures and hurts. I haven’t shared this publicly, but I promised God this would be a blog about my messy Christian life and not a verbal diatribe about “how you too can achieve perfection” like me. What you are about to read is my uncensored heart.
A few years ago, I was unhappy with my job, the ministry was in the garbage and my feelings of inadequacy were skyrocketing. Quite frankly, I hurt more than I breathed. I would have all night Netflix movie parties and lose myself in a fantasy world of Hollywood’s perfect life. I remember how deceptively elegant and crafty, the thoughts of the enemy were during that time. I was bombarded with the thoughts that I should keep my struggle to myself at all costs. “You are the leader of a ministry and you want people to respect you and not think your crazy.” Thoughts like, “You are a man and you’re supposed to be independent and strong.” “You have to do this on your own to prove that you can.” Sound familiar?
Satan used those thoughts to keep me separated from people that could have helped. Perhaps the most disturbing thoughts of all were the ones that came next. “Wouldn’t it be better if you were somewhere else right now?” Simple enough. But he wasn’t leading me to believe I needed a vacation in Hawaii. He was laying the foundation for suicide in my life. Other thoughts eventually came along. “It will be easier if you are somewhere else. Is this all really worth it any way? You are in so much pain.” What scares me the most looking back on that time in my life is that he never mentioned death, or killing myself. The thoughts were comforting and loving in nature, as if whoever was planting them in my head, had my best interest at heart. I can honestly say it was if he was spinning the thoughts into romantic notions of death.
I wasn’t a fallen, backslidden Christian. I was attending church every Sunday and leading others into the presence of God. I was a professing Christian, but I was tormented with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy us my friends. He is out to separate us from loved ones and end our life ever so eloquently. Satan never came to me with horns and a pitchfork. He came just as the bible describes him, an Angel of Light.
This week we remember those whose lives were ripped away before they could be fully lived. I would also like to encourage anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide, to talk about it with a trusted friend. The enemy may be whispering to you that no one cares, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is at least one person who gave His life, so that we would have the chance to live ours to the fullest. His name is Jesus. Your life was created on purpose for a purpose. You may not have found that purpose yet, but let me encourage you as someone who was courted by death. Life may be difficult right now, but if today is the worst day you have ever had, tomorrow has the potential to be a wee bit better. Hold on. Reach out. Live life. Jesus has come so that we have life and life more abundantly.
Get Outta The Boat Heifer!
Is it me, or does the purple Listerine feel more like battery acid than the other flavors? As I swished it around, I did a double take at the label, searching for ingredients I was certain were in there, like “magma” or “diesel fuel”. Two nights ago, after a very enjoyable dinner with friends, my car decided to die momentarily in the parking lot. It was fixed the next day then the AC, which I had fixed a few weeks prior, went out. Did I mention how much my feet hurt as well?
Time to complain? Nope, time to testify about the peace that God has been granting me lately. The night my car broke down, my friend Luis drove Josh and I home. Problem solved. I was more than a little thrown off course, by the engine malfunction. Why? Well, the next day I had three very interconnected, tough to schedule, but very necessary appointments. You know the ones. If you’re a minute late to one, or something goes awry, the whole day could be ruined. I had from 9 pm at night to 9 am the next morning to sweat, stew and dream about how terrible the next day was going to be. I made it home and when I sat down to worry, a sense of peace washed over me instead. I don’t know that I have ever felt that before. I questioned this soothing, but unfamiliar feeling. There was one other attack that threatened my sanity that evening, yet I couldn’t forget the peace that God has used to cloak my heart.
Our dinner conversation with friends and the next day’s appointments were God ordained moments. The enemy did his best to derail ‘The Mercy Express’. satan launched his attack as soon as he could. God had begun the peace process way before then. Turns out that the repair on my car was covered under warranty. The Listerine just needed a good “shaken not stirred” action and the other two appointments worked out better after the car issue.
Every time I have begun to let doubt creep in, the Holy Spirit has been right there with a scripture. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”-- Psalm 37:25. I read this a few weeks ago. Waterfall in the Wilderness Moment! Then today, quite “randomly” I was taking part in the filming of a new Bible DVD series and the guy on stage quotes Psalm 37:25. That peaceful feeling came again, but this time it was accompanied by something else. It was the feeling of knowing and believing that the verse was absolutely and undeniably true. I can’t explain it, but I felt the belief take hold of me like a physical manifestation of truth programmed into every cell of my body.
God is so faithful, even when I rekindle my past. I have been here before: doubt, despair and fear of failure. When I walked away from 15 years of history as a Sea World animal trainer, it was much the same as walking away from 20+ years as a gay man. Both were places of comfort and familiarity. Both met certain needs I had. I had outgrown them both as well. When I stepped away from both I was that “wobbly toddler” taking those first bumbling steps away from stability and towards the unknown.
Peter didn’t just dip his foot in and yell “HEY JESUS! Look at me!” Peter asked “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” (Jesus) said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. “ To do great things my brothers, you gotta get off your lazy butt and step out of the boat. Turn off the TV, quit downloading porn, stop being afraid to fail, begin trusting God and do something with the life that He has so graciously loaned you. Peter's faith started with a desire and culminated in a conversation with Jesus. What is the desire of your heart little brothers? Start your long overdue conversation with Jesus today. Keep your heart and your ears open for His response.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord...
The Father's Call
My life as a little boy was always spent on the run, guarding myself from hurt. I grew up with three very strong personalities: mom, dad and my brother. I spent a lot of time alone, being quiet and constructing a private world where I felt safe. Mom was the smotherer. Dad was the strict disciplinarian. Brother was unpredictable and generated fear in me at every turn. When I finally left my childhood home, there was a lot of living and a lot of conversation to catch up on.
As I have said before, I don’t believe anyone is born gay. I believe boys are born “Sensitive, Artistic and Creative”. This exposes them to pain and hurt. They have their emotions crushed very easily and are then susceptible to the lies of the enemy that says they were born different. Eventually, through small developmental steps, these boys are led to believe they are “born gay.” The seeds planted in my heart as young man were nourished by feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I grew up to be a fearful adult, confused and very comfortable being alone. There was a lot of pain to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. A therapist once described the homosexual side of my life as my minds way of coming up with an entirely different lifestyle to manage my pain.
I didn’t have much a relationship with my father until I was about 27. I had distanced myself from my father at an early age. He scared me. He wasn’t as sweet and nice as mom. He made us attend church and was a lot less emotional than. We clashed…a lot. Many boys who develop homosexual tendencies suffer from that same disconnect with dad at an early age. My disconnect left me with feelings of being lost and bewildered. I spent the rest of my life looking for a father figure or another man to love me and give me a sense of value.
When I returned to Jesus at the close of 1998, God restored my relationship with my father. It wasn’t immediately perfect. It took a lot of willingness and work. There were emotional bumps and bruises. We both had to lovingly forgive each other. I let satan drive a wedge in between my father and I for far too long. Through my own stubbornness, I let satan led me into homosexuality, cheat me out of a relationship with my father and then convince me that my father didn’t love me. I learned to serve God by watching my father serve others. I remembered his stories of being led by the Holy Spirit to stop by people’s houses and share the gospel. My dad was my first spiritual hero. He was the one that paved the way to the gospel, even as I was telling him I could care less. He would often pray in the living room of my childhood home until 3 am for my brother and I. He lifted my name up to God until I was ready to call on the name of God myself. One of my greatest hopes for young gay men who struggle with homosexuality today is that they have praying fathers. I pray for restoration with their fathers. I pray that restoration leads them into relationship with their heavenly father.
No matter how full of holes my relationship with my dad is, his words will always help restore me when the world attacks me with theirs. Our heavenly Father’s words have that same healing power my friends. God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that there is no place that you can go that is beyond his reach. There is freedom from homosexuality. I celebrate it daily. Don’t let the lies of the enemy determine your fate. God has a purpose and a plan for you beyond the scope of homosexuality.
In the next few weeks, I will be stepping into full time ministry. My plan is to share Jesus Christ and the truth about homosexuality with as many as will listen. My father has been walking this journey with me. Dad called today to tell me that I was courageous. He said I was courageous for going against the grain and quitting my job to reach the gay community with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have waited my whole life for those powerful words of affirmation from him. What an amazing day! He shared the following scriptures with me as well. Yay God!
Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread.”
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.”
“Hey!,” Small Town Preacher
I called myself a gay Christian until The Holy Spirit challenged that belief. “I see plenty of gay in the your life, but I don’t see a lot of Christianity”, He said. “Gay Christianity” was the religion I had crafted around the scriptures I chose to obey. The sin of homosexuality took precedence over any holiness in my life. My daily goal was to proselytize about homosexuality. Salvation through Jesus was often an accessory rather than a mantra. My faith took a backseat to my sexuality, as it does with many gay Christians. Some may disagree, but how many Christian pride parades have you seen lately? Jesus prefers to be Lord of our life, rather than to share our heart with sin. “…Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’ Matthew 16:24. In March of 1999, I was three months into leaving my gay life and returning to God. I moved back home; a small, Oklahoma town, population 1500. I started attending the church I grew up in. Sunday services were a necessary shot to my pride. My spirit screamed Yee-haw. My flesh was like “What the…?”
I wrote my pastor a letter about my past. I wasn’t sure how he’d respond, but I was learning to trust God. The pastor handled it better than expected. Two weeks later he preached a sermon in response to my letter, to a small town, sheltered, mostly older congregation. I’m sure they had there own “What the…?” moments that Sunday. He spoke with great wisdom. He defended wounded people and championed us to love people equally, but he stood firm against the sin of homosexuality. The Holy Spirit led me to love Jesus. Pastor Phil led me to love the bible. I want to share my letter, written over 10 years ago. I’ve learned a great deal more about the development of homosexuality in a person’s life. My opinions are no longer filtered through the veil of my broken sexuality. Hopefully this letter will help with your own walk out of homosexuality.
“Dear Phil,
There was a time, I thought, at the end of this trial I would be able to stand as an example to other men and women with the same plight. I would wear my healing as a badge so that others on earth could see what I had accomplished. I would be the light at the end of the tunnel. I alone would give them hope. I was wrong!
Ten years ago, when my journey into unrighteousness began, there were no real warning signs. I knew right from wrong. I also knew that I had never felt understood, loved or necessary. I heard the message of God’s love all my life. I learned of its power and unconditional nature. It went in one ear and straight to my heart. I never thought how those precious words might save my soul or light my path. I held them as weapons to use against people who judged me.
If I told you I was an alcoholic, you would pray for deliverance from my addiction. If I told you I was a smoker, your reaction would be similar. You see redemption for these sinners. These sins are prolific in our society.
My sin, however, is that I am a homosexual. What is your first reaction: prayer or disgust? Are you still concerned for my soul? Would you put me into a class of sinners for which there is no hope? A decision solely based on the belief that all homosexuals, not homosexuality, are a product of the devil? That is the way a lot of Christians see it. They see it as a sin that a person has taken on to themselves. In essence, a lot of people view it as the “second unforgivable sin.” When these beliefs became known to me God’s love suddenly become conditional.
The difference between a smoker or alcoholic and a homosexual, in my opinion, is very simple. Although they are all sins, smoking and drinking are voluntary in the beginning, homosexuality is not. One can stop purchasing alcohol or cigarettes or refuse to buy them in the first place. Homosexuality lives in ones mind as a parasite, “a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour”. Homosexual acts are voluntary. A homosexual can chose to remain abstinent. However, the desires still persist. Temptation is there, below the surface. The fight becomes harder each day. I am not justifying the sin. I want you to look at it from my viewpoint.
Homosexuality is a “Cadillac” among sins. The devil weaves it into a person’s life through natural processes such as puberty, sometimes through sexual abuse and as in my case, it appears as inherent knowledge. Some scientists have even proposed it to be genetic. If it is indeed genetic, then the devil has done his homework.
When the heterosexual world looks in from the outside they seem to believe that somewhere along the road, a person has chosen to become homosexual. No one chooses to be a part of a group that is ridiculed and persecuted for their beliefs. The only decision that homosexuals make is a decision to stop hiding their feelings; a decision to have the same opportunities as everyone else in society. The only decision made is the decision to be happy. They call the process “coming out of the closet”. They herald this event as the start of life; a single defining moment. “Coming out” is not a victorious triumph. It is a way to give in to the temptations without feeling the guilt. It is a pure and simple surrender to the forces of the devil.
The world is full of Christians who’d forgive you for murdering their firstborn before they’d help a repentant homosexual. So many times a preacher will be delivering a sermon about redemption. The expressions on his face demonstrate the love of God issuing forth from his heart. Then the expression changes to a scowl, blood vessels arise on his forehead and his voice intensifies. In disgust he utters the vilest words ever to be voiced in a church house, “Homosexual”! For many years I endured situations like this. Never once did I hear them identify the sin of homosexuality apart from the person that was a child of God. There always seems to be more people willing to convict than there are people willing to help.
When you are a little kid these feelings do not seem unnatural. I remember seeing an adult male that I found attractive at the age of seven. Well before the age of accountability. I told my brother that if the man were a girl I would date him. Somewhere in my mind I knew I was supposed to like girls, but with the innocence of a child I saw beauty in a man. As I grew older these unnatural feelings persisted. When someone tells you its wrong, you need answers. The number one question that every child asks is “WHY?”. No one was ever willing to give any answer other than “Because.” I think one reason so many homosexuals have embraced the sin is because the world is full of answers as to why it is normal. They are all the wrong answers, but they are answers nonetheless. The churches I have been to have not provided any answers, but seemed to have a healthy amount of judgment for the taking. At every corner it seems they have washed their hands of it altogether.
In the beginning I prayed nightly for God to make me normal. I believed that if it was such an abomination God would remove it. I thought Christians might be wrong about it. Everything I had prayed for had come true, except for this one request from God. God didn’t seem to want to take it out of my life, so it must be His will. I carried this weight around. I also carried those Christian principles with me. At one point I attempted to meld the two. I just knew that since homosexuality and Christianity were such an integral part of my life that God would accept me. I called myself a gay Christian. I helped other gay youths with their trials and tribulations. With the unusually high rate of suicide among gay teens I thought for sure I was sent to “talk them down from the ledge”. I would tell them that what they were feeling was not unnatural. I would relay my own experience. All the while my father was praying.
You talked about gay marriage the other day. I have to look at the fact that these people in their own confused way seem to be reaching for spiritual normalcy in their lives. Much the way I once believed. They feel that by entering into marriage and living a Christian life that all will be well.
I was one of those couples. I was dating someone who made me the happy. I felt love and acceptance. I wanted to have a union with this person. My partner did not agree with my beliefs. He did not believe in God. Also sex was an important part of his life. I thought God had sent me this person. How could we not want the same things? The Holy Spirit began to minister to me once again. I was searching for God, but in the wrong places. Dad paid us a visit and I got back on track. The relationship ended. I prayed my prayer again. “Please let me be normal!”
There are a fair number of couples, gay and straight, living in sin with no plans of marrying. Homosexual couples trying to make their union holy in the sight of God, are people who seem to want God in their life. The couples who do unite, don’t see homosexuality as the binding sin that will send them to hell. The churches accepting them are doing it for the wrong reasons, mostly financial. I simply wish there was a way for them to find the right church where God could begin to minister to their lives. They are people just like you and I. They need a voice going up to God for deliverance of their soul.
I met one young man who was the son of a Baptist minister. He told me that there was no place in his life for his Christian beliefs as well as his homosexuality. He chose the latter. Once again, the tiny amount of hope I had in my heart died, along with it the belief that I would ever be normal.
Ultimately it seemed if I was going to get right with God, I would be walking the road alone. My gay friends could not understand why I just wouldn’t accept my homosexuality. I was afraid to tell Christians for fear of judgment. I struggled with the idea that I would be alone. Once I became clean and new in the Lord, Christians would accept me when the homosexuals rejected me. No one wants to be alone. Though we always have God, there is still that part of us that craves human companionship.
God was kind enough to send me an angel in 1992. A wonderful person who had endured similar trials. She listened to my story, prayed for me and most of all, refused to judge me and add to my pain. I just received a letter from her. She is still so in love with God and professes His love for me. My dad has also been the spiritual light in my life. I know there has not been a day that has gone by that he has not prayed for me.
When I began this letter, I had written ten pages before I came up for a breather. I was angry at first. The spirit of the Lord arrested that anger and allowed me to speak my mind in a calmer fashion. The entire letter was written as I endured the voice of the devil placing mental images in my mind. He also tried to make me believe once again that God had not taken this sin out of my life, because it was my calling in life. It was who I am. He tried to pit me against the church that “judged” me and also the Lord that loves me.
I didn’t want to have to wake up everyday and pray, “God please don’t let me be gay today!” What kind of a life would that be? Would that be true healing? I thought if I prayed about this that one day it would go away. The day I realized it was something I might have to pray about each day, I wept uncontrollably. I still cry about it from time to time. In the case of the smoker, there is program after program about how to quit. Alcoholics have AA, drug treatment hospitals, halfway houses, family intervention and a wealth of other avenues. What does a gay man or woman in today’s society have? Judgment!
My goal in writing this letter is not to promote acceptance or tolerance. I simply would like you to have an idea what it is like to have this sin in one’s life. A sin that for a time seemed as natural as breathing; as natural as a man’s love for a woman. What men take for granted each day, something as simple as love for a woman, I find unattainable and foreign. I have to pray for that love to manifest itself in my life. When you preached that message about a besetting sin. I felt God had finally heard my cries. There could have been 5000 people in that church and I still think that message was meant for me. This was another prayer I prayed for a time. “God if it is wrong for me to feel love for a man, then let me only have love for you. I could not feel love for a woman. I will do as you wish God. I will not express this love for a man, but I do not wish to feel the same love for a woman. I would have to start all over. I do not want to do that. I simply want to live my life loving you.”
In essence I was praying for God to make me a Catholic priest, I suppose. It was a horrible prayer. I can see that now. I was trying to punish God, because I felt slighted that I could not be a homosexual and it was unnatural. If he didn’t want me to be gay I did not want his natural plan for my life. I have since stopped using that prayer. Although I want people to begin to pray for the homosexual community, I don’t think that should be our focus. There are plenty of besetting sins out there. Mine was homosexuality. Believe it or not, there are gays out there who are searching for the spiritual truth. I know I am not alone. They need to know that someone cares. I think we as a church need to reach out and pray for God’s will in their life, instead of just assuming they are already headed for hell.
I have a long way to go, but I continue my daily walk towards the Lord. I have learned so many things over the years about God’s love. The scripture about bringing your child up in the way of the Lord and when he is old he will not depart from it, holds true. God held onto me for 10 years, because someone cared enough to mention my name in prayer. I simply want others to have the same chance that I have.”
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"
This is gonna sound like the chorus of Sweet Brown’s YouTube Remix of “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” before I’m through. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Though I’ll be using His name as an exclamation of wonder rather than to express the amazement that my house almost burned down with me inside it.
Unbeknownst to many it was Shamu, not Jesus, that brought me back to God. I dreamt of training Killer Whales since I was 14. Thirteen years later that dream became reality. For years I listened to naysayers and dreamkillers that said it is impossible. In 1992 when I heard about a Marine Biology Class offered in the Bahamas; a glimmer of hope appeared on the horizon. I took the class and began to dream again.
I would find myself at Texas A&M Galveston the next semester, pursuing a degree in Marine Biology. I was one step closer to swimming with Shamu. God had placed the dream on my heart. satan was planning too. That same semester I began dating a guy, who was the son of a Baptist minister. I knew I was supposed to be pursuing Jesus and not a gay life, but life was on my terms now. Luckily, God showed up on our first date in a simple conversation. Jason began to talk about his life. “I grew up Christian, but I knew I was gay”, he said. “I had to choose between the two. I chose gay”. Jason’s statements echoed in my head. No sooner had he said, “I chose gay”, than the Holy Spirit said, “That’s not an option for you”. My spirit agreed. My flesh continued to wrestle with the dilemma of Christianity and my homosexual desires for years.
I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 10 years old at youth camp. Yet even after my angry and ugly, teenage years, Jesus held on to me. When I became a rebellious, misbehaving adult, he directed my paths. I always looked for fulfillment in the arms of other guys, but it was Jesus Christ that gave me what I was searching for in December of 1998.
The final, fateful prayer I would make as a gay man went something like this. “Jesus I‘ve tried for 10 years to make my life work. I have schemed and planned and lived life like I wanted. I’ve gotten nowhere. I am giving you the reigns of my life now. Take control. Let’s see if you can make it work.” It was a desperate cry for help swaddled in a prideful challenge to God. Thank You Jesus for seeing the state of my heart.
I have a friend who says he didn’t leave gay because it was bad. He left gay, because He found something better. I have to agree. If you are gay and proud and have wandered across my blog, please keep reading. Before you label me a bigot, a hater or even an ignorant Christian, know this. I was once where you are now. I was bullied, teased, judged and rejected. I believe a lot of things about myself that God didn’t. Regardless of the debate in the world today, Jesus Christ loves you. He is crazy about you. If you have known Him before and fallen away, He wants you back. If you and I disagree, it doesn’t matter. Jesus is the only thing that matters. He is the key to having a fulfilling life. If you’ve been searching, let your search end with a prayer to Jesus. It needn’t be eloquent or scripted. Yell. Scream. Whisper. Sob. Forget the debate in the world. Remember the Savior of the world. Tell Jesus what you want. Tell Him what you need. Trust that He sees your pain. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
There is a God Who has the ability to transform your life and change your circumstance. Romans 4:17 “…God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.”
Romans 10:13 “for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Endless Search?
Back in the day I dated a lot of guys searching for Mr. Right. Mr. Wrong showed up a lot more often. Yes I said “searching for ‘Mr. Right’ ”. Biblically controversial, but my reality. I grew up starved for healthy, male affection. My relationships with men brought pain and disappointment. At the beginning of my gay life, sex was never the goal. I wanted guy friends to love and value me. I found acceptance from gay men I hadn’t experienced with other guys. The only trouble I experienced in my dating relationships with men was the inherent imbalance. God designed men with sex drive and women with emotional drive thereby establishing balance in relationships. With two men in a relationship, the sex drive is doubled. I didn’t set out to be promiscuous, but with guys the sexual tension over road the balance. The search for value led me down a dark path. My moral convictions faded with each passing relationship.
There was one guy who loved me as best he could. God didn’t ordain our relationship, but being monogamous for a year kept me safe from other sexual exploits. The relationship was doomed from the start. I was trying to be gay and Christian. He was extremely intelligent and an atheist. I knew our relationship was wrong in God’s eyes. He “knew” the church hated “us”. I felt guilty about sex. He didn’t. He was more sexually adventurous than me. I found myself pulled into more explicit forms of sexual expression. My need for value was overshadowed by more carnal desires.
He used to grab and hold my penis the way a couple might hold hands. It was awkward. I felt like my penis was the most important part of me. I wondered, “Does he love me or does he just want sex?” When I said that it bothered me, he got offended. He put the blame back on me. I honestly think he felt judged. Looking back, I see his point. The grabbing was way less sexual than the rest of our lives. I was like a “bank robber” caught holding a duffle full of cash, accusing my partner in crime of being a thief.
Later I proposed we remain celibate for our commitment ceremony. I wanted to be “pure” before God. My thought process: “If gay is the only thing that God sees wrong with me, He’s wrong. He made me gay. He has to let me into heaven if I apply biblical principles for marriage to my gay relationship. I didn't chose gay. God didn't take it away. I ‘followed’ His rules.” Needless to say, my partner didn’t share my beliefs. He broke up with me. “Was sex more important to him than me?” “Were my doubts confirmed?” That night, he apologized and we continued dating, but broke up for good a few months later. There was no reconciling my Christian faith, his atheism, and our relationship.
I felt like more of a possession than a person in my relationships with men. Sex was most often the focal point. satan kept me bound by offering just enough table scraps to keep me hungry and weak, but interested. satan always offers a substitute for God’s plan. My friends, no guy will ever treat you with as much care, as Jesus Christ. Men may want your body. Jesus wants your heart. My relationship with Jesus, led me to discover the truth about my homosexual desires. He also led me to some amazing men of God. My search for value will only end at the Cross-if I choose to let it. Jesus asks that I surrender my old life to Him; in exchange for a new one.
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Power Struggle
A friend of mine, who happens to be gay, asked me the following question. “Why do some gay men obsess over female celebrities?” I pondered for a moment. Then I gave him a multi-layered answer spanning the course of many years. Just like homosexual desires can’t adequately be addressed with “I was born this way”, the reason some gay men focus heavily on powerful or influential women has its complexities. Picture it, Oklahoma, the 70’s. My family dynamic was hopelessly askew. Growing up in the Walker household, Hazel, not Jack, was in charge. Dad was the disciplinarian, but mom orchestrated our lives. My mom struggled with bi-polar disorder. She ruled with screams, tears or silence. My brother and I gravitated to opposite parents. I was my mom’s son and thus learned how to be a human by watching her. My mom’s maiden name was Williams. William’s women were a force to be reckoned with. Developmental Math Equation: Sensitive male child + A strong woman = Emasculated, little boy. Words synonymous with emasculated: powerless, helpless, impotent, weakened, feeble and ineffectual.
Dad was powerless to stop mom’s hurtful words and actions. He said it was easier to surrender me to my mom, than to fight for me. His words brought with them a great sadness. The enemy told me a thousand lies a minute. “You must have done something wrong to make your dad not love you.” I spent my entire life wondering if I even mattered. Suddenly it made sense why I looked for acknowledgement in the eyes of every man I walked past. I was silently screaming, “Isn’t there any man out there who would simply love me?” I wasn’t looking for sex. I was looking for acceptance, value and my identity as a man. I wasn’t been “born gay”. My damage was the aftermarket result of a lifetime of neglect and abandonment. I saw my dad as passive. Women bulldoze passive men. I don’t want to be a man like dad. I feel different than other men. I don’t identify with men at all.
Mom was in control and I was her favorite. I didn’t always like her methods, but I liked her results. I grew up feeling weak, shy and inadequate in her shadow. I saw dad the same way. Mom was the exact opposite. My close proximity to her, allowed me to mimic her habits. I manipulated people to get what I wanted. Under mom’s wing, I was protected from my father. Mom lavished her love and affection on me. She confided in me. For a long time, I was her source of emotional support. It became a way of life for me. Yet, not even I was safe from her occasional manic outbursts. It was like standing in the flames of hell and hoping for an occasional glimpse of heaven. After 18 years of having my voice silenced, I perceived women to be more powerful than men. I identified more with women, than I ever did with men. No one challenged them. They were strong, courageous and bold. I envied their “power” and saw it as the means necessary to breakthrough my feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness to become a person people respected.
I once shared one of my journal entries with my friend Kathy. I wrote, “I wish I could sing like Whitney Houston.” I was embarrassed, but we had a good laugh. Whitney embodied some of the same characteristics I saw in my mom: Strength, Boldness, Independence and Power. I idolized Whitney, not because I was gay, but because early childhood development shaped who I looked to for direction. Other childhood heroes included Wonder Woman, Samantha from Bewitched, The Designing Women, The Golden Girls and Madonna. Laugh if you will, but they were strong, powerful people who confidently took care of themselves. If my childhood taught me anything, it was the need to take care of myself. No one else was going to do it. Ultimately, my journey out of anonymity in search of purpose came from a very broken place, not from a genetics textbook. I looked a lot of places for answers, before I ever turned to Jesus, but eventually I surrendered my life to Him.
My answer to my friend’s question? A lot of sensitive boys raised by strong women, are subject to my same disillusions. They possibly suffered a disconnection with dad or dad was absent and mom instinctively “took the helm of the ship”. Therefore the model for a young boy to emulate becomes mom, not dad. A lot of gay men’s lives mirrored mine. The world is a broken place and we’ll find our value in persons, places and things. Men who struggle with homosexuality often end up being people pleasers or over achievers. I think it arises out of a need to add meaning and value to our lives. The broken relationships of our past set us up for failure with rudimentary social skills. We find ourselves using any means necessary to get and keep friends in our lives. No life will endure being pushed aside and forgotten for long. Something’s gotta give. Most people want to feel special, to be heard and to know that they matter. I’ve found that people will take any avenue necessary to make that happen.
I think it's always necessary to bring it back to scripture. James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
The following book brought hope help and healing to me. “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: When a parent’s love rules your life”- by Dr. Patricia Love.
(A disclaimer. I don’t doubt for a second that my mother loved me and did the best she could with the limited tools in her “toolkit”. However, replicated brokenness is still brokenness. If you are a mom like mine, don’t take this a rebuke. Take it as a second chance to do right by your son and yourself. It’s the best way to help mend his broken sexuality and your broken heart.)