Confessions of a Closet Runner

            I attended my 12th and final Exodus Freedom conference this past week in California.  After 38 years, Exodus is closing.  Recently, I left my full time job at Sea World in order to pursue ministry full time.  Coincidence.  I think not.  God is afoot.  I am excited for what He plans to do in this new season. 

            With all the apologies, legislation and myths flying about, the good works Exodus has done were swept under the rug faster than Honey Boo Boo can wolf down a chili dog.  So, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and “come out of my own closet”.  Yes, my friends I must confess that I…I…am…a…person who was helped by Exodus.   WHAT!?!?!   Yes, I know, shocking in light of news reports.  “Apparently” there weren’t many of us.  Most are afraid to express it openly for fear of being ridiculed by those who consider Exodus to be a worse than an M. Night Shyamalan movie.  I can’t hide forever.  I have end my silence and share my story. 

            I heard a lot of conflicting messages at this past conference.  One couple testified that they now know that gay and Christian can coexist together.  They shared that God had created their gay son, just the way he was meant to be.  Wow!  These were definitely not the messages of past Exodus conferences or the bible.  I listened and took it all with a grain of salt.  I began walking away from homosexuality in 1998.  A few years prior I called myself a gay Christian.  The Holy Spirit challenged my twisted view of spirituality.  “I see a lot of gay in your life, but not a lot Christian,” He said.  He was right.  I called myself a gay Christian, because I believed the lie that I was born gay and I knew my relationship with Jesus wasn’t an option. 

            I focused my attention on my Christian walk instead of my gay Christian charade.   My life began to change.  Trying to live a hybridized life of gay and Christian brought this scripture in 1 Corinthians 6 to mind.  15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.  18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

            I always had doubts about my Same Sex Attractions.  My gay friends said it was the church that coerced me into believing that being gay was wrong.  I know it was the conviction of the Holy Spirit that fostered my doubts.  Romans 14:12 nourished those doubts.  12 “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.”   The truth of God’s word haunted me.  One day I would stand before God and the anger and attitude with which I staunchly defended my homosexuality would be silenced as God reviewed EVERYTHING.   The masses wouldn’t protect me then.  My best friend Scott couldn’t vouch for me.  In the end it’s just you and God.

            The last message I heard from the stage at Exodus was that one speaker had not experienced much change at all in their attractions over the 10 years they had been attending Exodus conferences.  I wondered why they kept coming back?  Then with a grateful, humbled, softer heart I thought.  “I experienced change.  I have.  I continuously do.”  The message I was hearing was not one of change and freedom, but instead one of doubt and a lesser gospel than the one I had experienced.  Jesus said in Mark 10:27  “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”  To me that included healing from homosexual attractions.  The story from the stage was not my story, I felt ashamed at first.  I felt like I was judging or even prideful about my victories over my attractions.  With the messages of failure coming from the stage, I felt my success story wasn’t welcome.  And that my friends’ is when I went back into the closet. 

            I didn’t stay in there long.   I have changed.  I have experienced freedom, but was my story welcome amongst the apologies and doubt.  To be completely honest, I still have attractions to guys on occasion.  BUT…after 12 years of attending Exodus Freedom conferences, I have experienced dramatic changes in those attractions.   They are way less penis focused and more situationally focused and considerably less life altering.  Guys’ who are tall, muscular, have great hair and great self esteem and self confidence still draw my attention.  That doesn’t mean my attractions haven’t changed, it means that I fall victim to the act of comparing myself to others like everyone else in the world.  It’s stifling at times.  My attractions to women have dramatically increased over the years as I have learned healthy ways to relate to straight guys.   

            After years of sexual intimacy with guys, God gifted me with true intimacy.  I shared one of the most intimate moments of my life with a straight guy friend.  He invited me to listen to music and brainstorm ideas for a script he wanted me to write.  He shared his vision and his heart and welcomed me into his creative world.  He showed interest and gave value to my abilities and me.  It was the most intimate act any guy has ever done for me.  Sexual intimacy between men forces one to secede his masculinity to the other, thereby rejecting God’s design for his sexuality.  Sin enters in and both men are shamed.  Healthy intimacy between two guys, allows for mutual encouragement and edification as both men grow into the design that God has created for them.  There is no guilt, shame or sin in that, only meaningful relationships and trust.     

            So there you have it.  Man do I feel better.  Confession is good for the soul.  I hope my bravery will convince others to come out of hiding and share their triumphs as well.  I have done a fair amount of growth on my own through the years, but Exodus Freedom Conferences helped me establish a little more of exactly that, Freedom, from the life that kept me in bondage.  There was a fair amount of work I had to do on my own.  I know what my life looked like when I had the consumer mentality and showed up at my local Exodus ministry expecting a contact “healing”.   Jesus insured that salvation is free, but the rest of the Christian life takes work.  We have to willingly change sinful habits, study scripture, pray and deny ourselves daily.  I have met people who blame Exodus, but the truth is they made excuses not commitments.  They simply gave up, because a life of denial and following after Christ is difficult.  Sure there were rogue ministries out there, but when you add the human element to anything things are bound to get ugly.    

            When I first began my walk out of homosexuality, I was that guy who told God that I wouldn’t be gay, but I wasn’t going to date women.  Later, God revealed how I was a Christian with stipulations and not a surrendered Christian.  I changed my phrasing and begin to tell people that whatever God wanted for me, singleness or marriage, was fine with me.  All the while, knowing I wasn’t looking or praying for a wife.  In fact I would get mad if I found out people were praying for my future wife.  Where am I today?  Well, a few weeks ago I gave my pastor the name of a young lady.  He asked her name so he could pray for her.  That answer to prayer scares me a little, but not for the same reason it scared the gay kid I was way back when.  Ultimately, it is a good feeling.  Surrender.  I believe it is what stands between God’s plan for our lives and our plan for our lives.  Most of us stand just beyond God’s reach and blame everyone and everything for our failures.   At the end of it all though, when you breathe your last, the truth will be revealed.  I guess you just have to ask yourself one question regarding the truth: Will it define your life now or determine your eternity later?    

The Death of Exodus

            As you may or may not have heard by now, an amazing ministry that has meant the world to many, Exodus International, is shutting it’s doors.  It seems to have been a long time coming.  But just because you know grandma is dying, doesn’t mean you’re less sad when she goes.  I have attended the annual Exodus Freedom conference every year since 2002.  I missed one year to run with the Bulls in Pamplona.  Otherwise, the conferences have been the only staple in my life, other than gas and Shamu. 

            So here I am, sitting at my last breakfast on my last day of the last Exodus International Freedom Conference.  My heart is sad, but my mind is abuzz with how to help this community next.  As the world celebrates the demise of my “old friend”, standing over her lifeless corpse still holding the bloody knife they used to kill her, I know she will rise again. 

            I was full of piss and vinegar for the first couple of days of this conference.  When I get that way, I practice very little control over my mouth.  It’s a flaw that I can’t afford as a Christian.  You see, even though I have gotten a huge amount of freedom from my sexual desires, White, Hot Anger is still a toxin that grips my heart and flows in my veins.  What sparked my anger?  I’ve heard general apologies to the media for things I did not do.  I’ve heard wounded people speak gruesome, life-altering declarations out of broken places, where sound doctrines have been replaced with emotional regrets.  I’ve heard that “Gay and Christian can coexist” communicated from a platform that used to preach healing to the broken.   Many years ago the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and told me I had to choose between Gay and Christian.  In my heart, I knew that God was not an option.  God didn’t leave me there, but provided a way for me to walk away from my homosexuality.  I had to choose to walk that out daily.  Every day of every year since I heard His declaration.  I had to choose to walk as God led. 

            Alan Chambers is my friend.  He has been for years.  I don’t pretend to understand everything he does.  He doesn’t pretend to understand my stuff either.  In 2001, after my first Exodus conference, Alan Chambers offered me my first job in ministry as the Emcee for the 2002 Conference.  It is Alan Chambers who trusts me with people who call the office looking for a mentor.  Alan Chambers has led this organization beautifully for years.  Alan Chambers is indeed my friend.  I would have never chosen for Exodus to close this way.  I would have chosen celebration in place of somber.  Yet, it is not up to me.  It was up to Alan and his board and ultimately up to God.  God is not any more surprised by this, than you should be surprised that K-mart smells like the 70’s.

            Freedom from homosexuality comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.  That message will escape the ruins of this “burning building.”  It is a message of hope and freedom in a world of ever increasing bondage.  It is not God’s will that any man should perish.  It is His will that every man should get to know Jesus and have everlasting life. 

            My time and my friends here will be missed.  I won’t mourn what could have been, one second longer than I should.  The people that hate us are the ones who need to hear the message of the gospel most.  We owe it to them to reevaluate our Christian walks.  I would beg you, regardless of your struggle, to realize that your life is the only bible some people may read.  If you call yourself a Christian, then surrender your life to God daily and live according to His word.  If your “Christian” walk is a tailored mixture of select scripture and personal convictions tainted with human emotion, please call yourself something else.  Stop muddying the gospel to people who need the good medicine of the Word to treat their disease of sin.  Don’t circumvent another person’s relationship with Jesus, because yours isn’t working.   A lost and dying world deserves firsthand, unpolluted knowledge of Jesus’ healing power, because it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that has power; power to change, power to free people and freedom from the bondage that holds us fast.

            The world has not seen the last of the message of Exodus, because at its core it is the message of the gospel.  We’ve all lost our way.  We all need a savior.  Let the games begin.