Back in the Pool

On the short commute to church, a song came on the radio that I really like. Considering that our local Christian station still plays "hits" from Amy Grant's first LP, it was quite odd.  I remember saying "I love this song" out loud and asked my friend to turn it up.  He misheard me and never changed the volume, so I tuned everything else out and focused on intently listening to the song.  To my surprise the music seemed to grow in volume.  Each word fell on my ears with greater clarity than before.  When the song ended, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.

He said that getting close to God is like what I had just done trying to hear to my song.  It wasn't about asking God to get louder thus drowning out the noise of my life.  It is about pressing in to hear God's voice at the level He is currently speaking, while letting the cacophony of life fade away.  I sat there dumbfounded.  In a split second, God had deposited a thought so simple, yet so profound into my life; press in to God and the cares of this world will fade away.

During church, our pastor's wife, Christine, got up to share an encouraging story.  Her story bore the same spiritual DNA as my God encounter in the car.  God was trying to teach me something.  I asked her to share her story, in writing.  Here is what she shared.

"As a Florida girl, a swimming pool and a sunny afternoon were the perfect combination most months out of the year.  I loved to swim! I loved the crazy activity of it: diving, cannonballs, Marco Polo with my brother.  I could be found with stickers on and baby oil to get a 'tattoo' from the sun on occasion.  But what I loved the most was putting on goggles and slipping down to the bottom of the shallow end of the pool, laying there for as long as I could hold my breath.   I would release air slowly so I could sink to the bottom and not struggle to stay down.  I could see the bright sun differently breaking through the clear water.  There were hardly any other noises and in the silence, the view was captivating to me.  That kind of 'full immersion' allowed a different viewpoint of the very, same sky I was under day after day.

Just over 3 years ago, we celebrated the birth of our third child, Eli, our bonus baby.  He is a blessing unexpected; a gift beyond our wildest dreams.  In the weeks following his birth, in the midst of sleepless nights, disconnection from church and friends, and the normal routine of life of connected with God through worship and the Word, a darkness crept into the vacancy and threatened to steal my joy, my song.

The song of my life is the testimony and love letter written on my heart by God himself.    It's chorus full of the remembrance of who God is and how real He has been and continues to be in my life. It is the testimony of Him: pursuing me, rescuing me, redeeming me and saving me.  It is the power of His presence to change and remold me over and over. To be more like Him, as I yield to His strong and gentle hands.  The more time that passed for me, "out of the pool" so to speak, of worship and relationship with God, the harder it was to remember my letter or sing my song.   In the quiet of the night during a middle of the night feeding, the Lord whispered to me,

"Get back in the pool"

Slip under the abundant waters of grace, mercy, presence, truth, and power

Sink to the bottom

Breathe out the cares, needs, questions and fears long enough to see and hear Him clearly again

And an amazing thing happened...

I found my song and began to sing it again."

Uncovering the Broken Boy

The world has been talking to me this week. A lot. Tonight I was out watering my blueberry plants, sporting the remnants of an ill conceived, Halloween costume, a tattered Hawaiian shirt, I wasn’t worried what the neighbors think. I make a concerted effort to let them believe that I am the crazy neighbor they shouldn’t mess with.   As I stood there, like a deranged, mental asylum escapee, I was mentally rifling through conversations that had taken place over the past two weeks. I shared my story briefly at a small, country church. I had three minutes to cover 44 years.   At the mention of homosexuality, all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I was transported back to my childhood church, where I knew better than to share my struggle.   I left the church feeling rejected; kinda judged. I also left knowing how so many gay people feel about some churches in our nation today.

Juxtapose that event with a conversation I had with my unchurched, Jewish neighbor, who has a lot of gay friends.   They asked about what I had been doing since I left Sea World. I shared everything, They surprised me by their understanding of what I do for ministry. Shouldn’t the understanding and interest have come from the church?

One of the other conversations I was privileged to have was with the first gentleman that ever graced the halls of Big Fish Ministry as a participant back in 2009. Our relationship has been rocky and often riddled with misunderstanding. That changed this week. We agreed to let God lead the conversations from here on out; to love each other better. Gratitude flowed.

I sat down with a 19 year old kid who lost someone close and calls me on occasion to chat, because I am not stranger to death and loss myself. We sat at a coffee shop and chatted. I am seeing huge growth in his life. I am seeing him peer out from behind the curtain of fear to claim the abundant LIFE that our great God has promised him. I am thanking God for letting me be used as a vessel for His love.

I got to chat with a talented artist who has some amazing abilities. He gifted me with some of his creative time to sit and chat. Three of the four conversations I had this week were with straight guys who have never had gay temptations. Yet, when we begin to chat their struggles resonated with mine. The Holy Spirit then pointed out that I don’t have a gay struggle, but simply a human struggle, similar to other guys on the planet. Can I tell you how freeing that is to a guy who felt “bad different” during his young life.

My healing journey with Jesus Christ is the proverbial onion people: layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece. God often reveals truth slowly to me, so that I don’t engage in sin & run away from the man He is shaping me into.

The conversation with the artist revealed a deep inner wound that I don’t think this guy has shared with too many. I asked his permission to share. He said Yes. That day, I felt like the Holy Spirit told me to title our time together was to be called “Uncovering the Broken Boys”. And it was funny, because for the rest of the week, that is exactly what the Holy Spirit did.

If it wasn’t me He was uncovering from the rubble, it was the person across the table from me. God is in the business of rescue missions, but He’s really good at search and recovery as well.

I had two more conversations that were polar opposites.   One of the guys I mentor sold his computer, because it was leading him to connect sexually with other guys.   The other guy kept making excuses about why he needed his phone or computer. He rationalized about keeping some gay friends while breaking it off with others. With both I offered experiential advice. The difference between the two was this. One guy readily surrendered the “poison” he’d been drinking daily, while the other just kept trying to “change the labels” on the bottles.

I made my best effort to take God into every conversation this week. I was only looking to help or connect, but God had other plans. I started a conversation with a lady at Wal-mart and ended up praying for her. Like Jesus back in the day, this week I was all about my Father’s business. I didn’t used to be that kind of man. I used to search for meaning and value in the arms and lives of the gay men I’d meet.   What a redemptive work God has done.   The bible says in Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”   I found myself in a very different place with these folks. God’s opinion is where I lay my head for rest these days.

My final conversation was with a guy who had no idea who I was, but I knew who he was. He was a guy that had been sexually involved with a guy, while I was actively mentoring that guy. For some reason, God brought him back into my life. When I realized who this guy was, I just wanted to throat punch him, because of the trouble he had caused. I quickly realized though, it wasn’t anger I was feeling, but a mix of emotions. At night’s end, I settled near the corner of “Love him where he’s at and What are you doing God?”

Who are you talking to this week? Where are those conversations leading you? Is God stirring evangelism in your heart? Or is the enemy stirring horny in your loins? Are you tired of struggling with the same old stuff? Are you ready to give up because you feel you are all alone? My conversations led me to Jesus and healing. The bible says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Let the conversations begin. Let healing flow.

Refuse to spend one more day in the prison of your silence.