Silencing the Giants
I am weary these days. I know the truth of my story about walking away from homosexuality. I celebrate the freedom I have found in Jesus Christ. Yet, I am weary, because so many are still being deceived by the haunting echoes of Alan Chamber’s opening speech from the 38th Annual Exodus Conference. As a result of those words I find myself having to defend my beliefs and my testimony to a wider demographic of people than ever before. Never in a million years would I have thought I would find myself head to head debating Christians or at least people who claim to be “Christians”, about the acceptance homosexuality in the church. I was there that fateful night. I can only say that I appreciate the distance, time has given me. Exodus, like the Titanic, was once grand, but seemingly overnight it’s stability was compromised and it sank out from under us. Those of us in the proverbial lifeboats or worse yet in the water were either left to succumb to the elements or be set adrift as Chambers and colleagues moved on to start a new ministry. Which is perplexing, because Chambers himself said “we believe that Exodus must go out of business so the church can do its job. And this will leave a void, one that I hope will not be filled by anything else but the church.” He stated that the new ministry would help the church reach a new generation.
So let me get this straight. It was better to close a well-established organization that has stepped alongside churches for the last 37 years so that the church can do its job. And the void should not be filled by anything, but the church, unless it’s a new ministry run by the old Executive Exodus Staff that plans to step alongside the church to help the church minister to people.
Wasn’t that what Exodus was doing?
The questions I am facing sent me to the facebook page of Chamber’s new ministry. Apparently, the only ministry capable of filling the void left by Exodus, a void that should “not be filled by anything else but the church,” but is being filled by a ministry. Still working on that one. Anyway. In one of the postings I saw this message from Alan. “I just watched my opening message from the 2013 Exodus Conference… So glad I did. It encouraged me greatly. Inspired me…If you haven't watched it, please do. If you have, watch it again… I believe it is the most important message I have ever given and that it was truly God-inspired…”
I accepted the invite and listened to his message. Once again, it left me as frustrated and angry the second time around as it did the first. One of his statements in particular has been flitting about like Miley Cyrus on MTV, stirring up trouble and breeding confusion. Not everyone was as inspired and encouraged as Alan. In fact, his apparent shift in beliefs sent people into a downward spiral of confusion and doubt. I myself wondered if it would be safe to share how Jesus Christ helped me leave my homosexual life behind. Alan tried to reassure the attendees that this new direction of Exodus “doesn’t mean you don’t tell your true story.” He even says things like, “I am one of you.” and “I stand among you as one of you.” Yet as the conference wore on, his words fell like curt platitudes in an effort to keep everyone on board. The truth was this: Exodus was no longer and Alan’s media interviews seemed of more importance to him than the conference proceedings or the attendees. From that point on many of the “true stories” coming off the stage at Exodus stood only to breed more confusion in light of Alan’s reassurance.
The first testimony we heard was from two parents who spoke from an emotionally imbalanced place rather than a representation of the true story about sin and how the enemy not an organization is the only thing that can steal away a person’s life. My gut check about their story was confirmed weeks later. I saw that “The Huffington Post Gay Voices Column” had given the parents story top billing. Hmmmm. Exodus and the Huffington Post are in agreement with one another. This was more than a cause for alarm.
Alan often responds to his critics with the question, “Why didn’t you call me to talk about this first?” I wonder, “Why didn’t you consult any of us, before you threw our life’s work and ministry into 5 lanes of oncoming traffic?” To be sure I have said nothing heard behind closed doors and that has not been seen in the mainstream media. Everything I am referring to or sharing today are either direct quotes from Alan or can be found on the Internet, the Lisa Ling Show or the various, newspaper interviews that Alan has been quoted in.
Finally, the statement causing such a ruckus; “during his address to a Gay Christian Network conference, (Alan) stated that 99.9% of conversion therapy participants do not experience any change to their sexuality and apologized for the previous Exodus slogan "Change Is Possible". During his address at the 2013 Exodus Conference Alan voiced a similar statement that “99% of the people that I’ve met, myself included, continue to struggle with or have SSA. That for the majority of people who deal with this issue, those things don’t go away.”
99.9%? I would love to see those research documents. But…there aren’t any. These two statements are based on one man’s, excuse me, one very influential man’s opinion on the matter. I take issue with these statements, because they are extremely misleading and self-serving. How many of us have made similar statements off the top of our head and embellished the numbers to sway public opinion to our side. By no means am I calling Alan a liar, but I believe his numbers are more for emphasis than they are true to life empirical data. I take offense to this statement, because it is not entirely true. A statement such as this one can’t simply be thrown out without giving a fair amount of explanation. Alan is right in that this may be a struggle that some struggle with the rest of their lives. Agreed. The writer Paul had a thorn in his flesh that God chose not to remove. This did not give Paul creative license to build a life in response to that thorn, any more than we are supposed to build a life around our homosexual desires because God didn’t take them away when we prayed. If Alan would have said 70% or even 80%, he would have at least allowed room for hope for those who were still fighting. Yet the very suggestion that 99.9% caused people to simply give up when they heard the message of Exodus was now apparently that “Change wasn’t Possible”.
The biggest part I take offense to in Alan’s statement is this: “99.9% of conversion therapy participants do not experience any change to their sexuality.” Matt, Matthew, Alan M., Mike, John, Bob, Min, Josh, Ed, Marcus, Mike, Stoney, Kenny, Jason, Christine, Sy, Bill, Russ, etc.. That is a part of my personal list of people I know have experienced a considerable amount of change to their sexuality and sexual desires. Alan makes the statement that Exodus has hurt people. Well I would like to make the statement that Exodus has helped people. A whole frickin’ lot of people. The 99.9% statement is a literary prison Alan erected for young men and women who at one point were questioning homosexuality and then abruptly had the wind knocked out of their sails.
Each of us is responsible for the testimony we share with the world. If I were to stand up and say that I don’t ever experience any temptation in the way of same sex attractions, I’d personally give you permission to make me watch an entire season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. But if I stood up and said that I have not experienced a marked change in the area of my sexuality I wouldn’t be representing the truth. As previously mentioned in one of my blogs, my attractions have changed from being sexually driven to being more mood driven. I don’t lust day in and day out like I used to over nude pictures of the male physique or porn. Over the last 15 years Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit have shown me how homosexual desires developed in my life and have brought healing and restoration to the broken parts of my heart. That healing in turn has caused my attractions and sexuality to fall more in line with God’s will for my life. I have not arrived, but I am not where I once was.
All these people misrepresenting the gospel aren’t offering hope, they are offering a watered down gospel devoid of any power to change our hearts and lives and lead us away from our patterns of sin. The bible is clear in 1 Corinthians 6 that there are those who have walked away from homosexuality and sexual brokenness. Temptation does not mean that I am still a gay man. People get their undies in a bunch when I use labels to describe the various phases of my life. As far as I am concerned they can walk around with an eternal wedgie. I don’t’ live my life for them. The truth of the matter is that I consider myself a straight man who is occasionally tempted by the sexual sin of my past. If you don’t get that I am sorry, but I will never again call myself a gay man and saying that I am ex-gay locks me into a state of limbo. One practice that helps me with temptation is found in Galatians 5:16 “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” I am headed to a place where I can one day be married to a woman, have kids and live out the plan that God ordains for all men and women. Now if I said, I am headed towards being a straight man, even though, that is what that statement basically means, there are few who would have me flogged for using a label.
1 John 3:3 And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure. Alan says Exodus has been an organization “focused on behavior, sin management and short on grace.” Short on grace is bad for any ministry, but if behavior is not curbed and sin is not managed then the natural and logical direction according to the bible is death. Death or sin management? That my friends, is a no brainer. My relationship with Jesus Christ showed me that I was loved and in need of behavioral change and sin management and the Holy Spirit led me along that path. Exodus for me was simply an extension of that Godly directive. As leaders we are called to lead people to Jesus and help those who ask for guidance to augment and change detrimental behavior.
At one point Alan says, “They said, I’ve given people a license to sin, as if I have that power.” After this statement, a few people can be heard laughing. I wasn’t one of them. The eyes and ears of the world were focused on Alan Chambers that night and had been for many years. Like it or not, His position of influence and authority and every word He says has the potential to impact lives throughout the world. In yet another contradictory statement He says “We are not abandoning you, we wouldn’t do that.” Then he says “My prayer is that you’ll find some safe people or that you already have some safe people or a ministry that you’re a part of or a church…”. Did he really just say that? Many of the people sitting there in that audience had already found that place. It WAS called Exodus International.
I am a little leery when I hear people say the Holy Spirit is leading them, yet their actions are about as biblical as a group of Chippendale Dancers on a Women of Faith Cruise. Alan spoke of how he and his board were led of the Lord to close Exodus down. One of the reasons it seemed was that there were certain member ministries that had hurt people. When the early church experienced trouble with an immoral brother causing harm to the body, the bible called them to counsel him and if need be, expel him from the body, not shut the church down.
In reference to the last 18 months at Exodus, the ministry had been embroiled in a scandal, Alan stated, “I’m not smart enough to create a scandal like that. And therefore I am convinced that the scandal is of God’s making.“ I disagree. It’s a similar statement some made of Jesus, saying He casts out demons with the power of the devil. I believe He follows His own statement that says a house divided against itself cannot stand. There is but one author of scandal in the word and his name ain’t God. Yet, when you align the above statements up next to Alan’s overriding goal for Exodus since the day he took over, you see an interesting coincidence. He proudly says that his view of success as the Exodus president was seeing Exodus close its doors, because the church is doing its job. I think in the beginning his goal was admirable and it was to use Exodus to teach the church and then ceremoniously close the doors. At some point, though, the true nature of that statement took on a more destructive nature as the enemy came against Exodus. The goal that Alan stated at his interview was no longer a dual purposed mission, but an emphatic, necessary goal regardless of the consequences.
In hindsight I wonder if any organization should hire someone who vows to shut down the company during the interview. I understand the statement that Alan so proudly touts, but in the end it seems if your overriding goal is to shut an operation down, every goal, every focus, every other aspect of your business will result in a self defeating pathway leading ultimately to corporate demise.
In regards to the closing of Exodus, Chambers says, “It’s the fulfillment of of what I was hired to do.” Yet it wasn’t. He even says so himself. “Exodus must go out of business, not necessarily because the church is doing its job, but we believe God is calling us to go out of business so the church can do its job.” By his own definitions and admissions, Alan’s mission as the President of Exodus was unsuccessful, because Exodus is closed and the church still falls short in the area of ministering to the gay community. That is why so many of us who were abandoned when Exodus closed, continue to run ministries that will do the work of ministering to the gay community.
I obviously don’t write this blog for popularity. I am by no means trying to make anyone decide between Team Alan or Team Matthew. I honestly think it’s extremely necessary though that when evil rears its ugly head that we have to speak up for the truth. Alan may be resting up nicely as the head of a new, unnecessary as it may be, organization, but he left a thousand loose ends and wounded hearts in the wake of his perceived successful reign. As often as that speech is referenced, I will share my “True Story” of what being there felt like. It was like waking up to a battlefield of dead bodies from a war we didn’t know was being fought. For some that was their first taste of what Exodus. For others it was witnessing the death of an old friend. Wherever you fit into this picture my friends, please remember that Alan Chambers is just a man as I am just a man. Opinion on either side does not compare the word of God that was the catalyst for powerful change in my life. Change is indeed possible. Don’t build a foundation for your eternity on the opinions of men. Seek out your own answers in prayer, in the bible and through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Scratching the Surface
Before you get engaged my friends, this is going to be a two parter. I hate when I get to the end of a show and I see that heart-wrenching, death moniker, “TO BE CONTINUED…”. So read on with a little trepidation and a lot of patience.
There are a couple of things really chapping my hide right now. Well…other than Hilary’s 2016 bid for the White House and the current White House Regime’s continual destruction of American civil liberties and freedoms. I keep receiving e-mails from RussianBrides.com and someone signed me up for the AARP newsletter. Florida is hot people. A Russian bride would not fair well here and I am only 42, AARP really? On top of that Cardigans are making a return from the depths of hel…well anyway, you get it. Cardigans and Grateful Dead tribute bands. Don’t you wish there was a section in federal prison for that. Why did I sit down to write?
Oh yes. Big Fish Ministries was visited by an amazing prayer warrior woman last Wednesday and Thursday. She taught on the benefits of inner healing and gave us prayer for all the major wounds of childhood and beyond. I had so many mental visuals I felt like I was at a Grateful Dead concert. God really began to pour healing into the areas of my brain that fed into the foundation of my homosexual attractions and desires. Don’t get weirded out before you hear me out. The bible is clear on Spiritual warfare. Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. And the bible is also clear about cleansing our minds. Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Bringing God into the places where I was hurt was difficult for two reasons: “Why did He allow me to get hurt?” and “Where was God while the hurt was being perpetrated?”
There are so many developmental causations between the damage done to us as children in a fallen world and the emergence of sexual brokenness, or in my case homosexual desires. For so long I chose to build the foundation of my life on the broken foundation of homosexuality that I never selected. I sowed into a gay identity for many years. So many in fact that with each year it got harder and harder to admit that my choice to build and nurture a gay life might be wrong. After all, I never chose a gay life. My belief was that it was chosen for me or God created me that way; please appreciate what a confusing place it was to be.
Hard and fast belief of mine #1: I don’t believe anyone chooses to be gay. H.A.F.B. #2: I do believe that the desires can be likened to the seed of a vine or dare I say a parasite. The seed is planted in a suitable environment and grows and develops over time, like a choking vine that grows alongside a tree over time and uses the tree as a platform to support it’s growth. I compare it also to a parasite whose larval stage is deposited inside an organism and remains undetected until a point that it’s exponential growth eventually overtakes and affects the development of that organism. That is not a clinical observation based in prejudice, but an experiential observation from MY life.
What our friend and prayer warrior Donna was able to help us see was that there were so many attacks perpetrated in our lives that our opinions, feelings and desires were bound to be swayed. For instance, I suffered a lot of physical, mental and verbal abuse at the hand of my mother. So it’s understandable that I might develop a fear of women. I also sustained some damage from the relationships with my brother, father and other male peers in my life. It’s understandable that I might have a little fear of men in my life as well. I can’t get into the particulars just yet, but I realized that my abuse wasn’t a one time event. It was a day in, day out event that left me roaming the halls of my home looking for rapture. And with that I must leave you until Part 2: Rescue and Rehabilitation.
Horse/Dog Chronicles
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$5.01. Why is that amount important? It recently replaced $64 as a significant amount in my head. Which replaced $1500 before it. $64 was the amount I recalled every time I heard the name "Lucca". Lucca is the name of my roommates drooly, Horse/dog who left a plethora of slobber trails on my favorite, black comforter. So much so that it looked like the Snail Daytona 500. $64 was the dry cleaning cost. SCAM! I could have bought a new comforter and my favorite Starbuck’s brew. Which coincidentally brings up the new dollar amount; $5.01. That’s the amount remaining on my Starbuck’s Gold card. When it's gone, I’ll be leaving my 'old friend' behind. It’s kind of a weight gain/white teeth thing and partially the fact that the president of Starbuck’s hates what I stand for. Alas. I sit here today, sipping my fave coffee, using WIFI and thinking of all the amazing times I’ve had here: bible studies, testimony shares, big life convos and a few chance meetings.
As I left the house today, I noticed a few things that settled my heart greatly. Today, different than days gone by, I left the house and I actually “LEFT THE HOUSE”. The yard was mowed, the plants were watered, my roommate was sleeping, morning devotions were amazing, the garbage and recycling guys had come and all was in right order. You know what I am talking about. I left with a clear head that there was nothing to manage or fix or worry about for a moment. My little Honda purred along as if it were a 2014, not a 2000 and life was “quiet” and good. Don’t get me wrong, life is good everyday, even when I am debating friends and fending off “tolerant” haters, God is still God. Today was different. The voice of the enemy was quiet and subdued for a moment and the peace of God was…well…palpable. One of those days where you remember your bank websites password on the first try and the line at the ATM disappears as you pull into your spot.
Devotions this morning were all about keeping our walk with God pure and 100%. I heard once again, in God’s own words that we are to offer up to Him our best, our first, Our Everything. As I live out this life before God and before other men choosing holiness over homosexuality, it isn’t easy. Every morning there is another perceived victory for the gay agenda and “equality”. Every moment the enemy whispers another jab against my testimony and my resolve. That’s okay though. This ministry we are a part of isn’t for the masses of the global market. It is for those men and women to whom God has opened their eyes and revealed the truth of His Word regarding God ordained sexuality.
God gave me the perfect visual of our ministry. Satan, the enemy of our souls, has his hand around the throat of every man and woman of the gay community. God showed me a large colander suspended in the air. It was stuffed full of gay men and women. They represented the masses of the gay community sold out to homosexuality. Every once in a while a person would fall out of one of the holes in the colander, breaking free of the others. God drew my attention to those few people and said, “That is where your ministry begins.” Big Fish Ministry doesn’t exist to take on the gay agenda, debate the masses or wag a shaming finger at the gay community. We are less “Kick the Hornet’s Nest” and more “Hospital Triage Unit”. I, too, was broken or celebratory, however you choose to see it, about my gay life. I was very good at it for many years, yet I have more compassion for the gay community than most Christians. Don’t believe me? Ask my gay friends. Caring for their well being and loving them into hell are two very different things.
I believe in the truth and the power of God’s word to lead a man or woman out of homosexuality. My life is evidence of that fact. Over the last 14 years I have seen other men walk free as well. I am thankful to God for that fact today. Thankful for the peace I felt this morning, after many years of struggle, to do the right thing and serve my God the best way I know how. I was challenged this morning though. To love God wholeheartedly. To lead men better. To share Jesus like Peter and John; emboldened by the Holy Spirit and overflowing with gratitude. To live a life surrendered to Jesus Christ, despite what CNN says is legal, supported or widely accepted. The road to the cross of Christ is a narrow and scarcely traveled. I am only on the road, because Jesus Christ chose to illuminate the path and call me out of darkness. And because of a praying father. My prayer today, in this wonderful moment of peace, is one of rapture. Rapture for men and women still struggling in darkness, contemplating checking out and in need of a savior. I speak this from an empathetic heart, not from a soapbox of judgment. God, Call them out. Let their hearts and souls be rescued.
Wake Up...Part 2
Someone happened to read the blog, "Wake up or Suffer the Consequences" this morning and posed the following question to me. "I want to understand sequestered and warden. Im trying to see how this does or does not apply to my life, except,in my case I don't identify as gay, but rather as a Christian. And live my life, struggles included, as Godly as I can. Would appreciate your response when you have time." 12:28pm Here are my unpolished, unfiltered thoughts. I use the word sequestered the same way that someone might refer to a jury whose life is on hold until a verdict is reached. They are cut off from the world until a decision can be reached. When I describe God as a warden instead of a savior, this is what I mean. A savior saves us when we call on His name leads us to higher places of full redemption. The bible says that those who call on His name will be saved. I take that to mean not only salvation, but redemption from the things that bind us on a daily basis. A warden manages someone who is locked away. He brings them there meals, tells them what to do and offers them care and lodging while the person is locked away in prison. The question we must ask though, is who put them in that prison?
Are they in prison because they have done something wrong? Or are they in prison because life is scary and disappointing and being locked away is safer. When God is the warden in your life, he has set up an infrastructure of binding rules and laws that say you can't be gay and you must live your life avoiding bad "gay" things at all costs. With God as a warden, our lives are not lived out but managed to the point that we won't sin, because we have not only put GOd in a box, but we have placed ourselves in that box as well. When God is our savior, he is more of a shepherd we go to for instructions on how to get through the tough things in life we will inevitably encounter as we roam freely about. God has the capacity to save us from our sin and redeem us from a gay life. When we lock ourselves away, we are attempting to live a life that we are in control of because God didn't change us when we asked Him to and we can't imagine the unknown and difficult path of walking away from gay. When we see GOd as savior in our life, we hand over control of our life to HIm and trust that no matter what we see or think, that GOd is in control. One is sacrifice to the point of being a self proclaimed martyr and the other is being obedient and venturing out into the world. WIth GOd as a warden we build fences to keep us away from sinful things. With God as a savior, we allow Him to test us in order to build resistance muscles so we don't run after things that are bad for us. Both men more than likely are getting into heaven. It's just that one will have made it by sheer willpower and having been hidden away from all sources of temptation. And the other will have led an amazing life of obedience, filled with mountaintop and valley experiences. The latter will have lived a life full of risks and grand perspectives and will have inspired others along the way, because they will have relied on God and not themselves.
Wake Up or Suffer the Consequences
I was asked by a friend to define my use of the term gay Christian. Calling myself a gay Christian back in the 1990’s was an attempt to reconcile my homosexuality and my Christianity. Calling myself a gay Christian also kept the bible thumpers at bay. I could argue I’d never chosen to be gay, that God had created me that way and that there was nothing anyone could say about it. Back in my youth I knew and acknowledged what the bible said about homosexuality, but didn’t apply it to my life, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reconcile the truth of the bible with my same sex attractions. I tried to live a life based on the verses I heard, understood and that I thought applied to my life. I believed I was born gay, so I thought the scriptures had to be wrong.
The gay Christians of the world today are different. Many of them are living a Christian life centered around their homosexual desires and not centered around Christ. I just read a FB thread about a debate between Christopher Yuan, a Christian leader and Justin Lee, President of the Gay Christian Network, GCN. It was on Justin’s page so many of the posts were pro GCN. The level of deception is astounding. One guy said this, referring to Christopher “…he(Christopher) decided to fall into the same pattern of "these passages condemn homosexuality, i know you have been told that they don't, but they do… “ and “…I wasn't expecting him to whip out an extended clobber passage lecture in the middle of this.” The gentlemen ended by stating that he hopes that their next talk “…will provide more an (of) opportunity to do "bridging" than wall-building.” Gay Christians aren’t really debating scripture any more, they are dismissing the real and applicable to modern day truth of God’s word, because it doesn’t bear witness with the lie they are living. Gay Christianity is not about living in accordance to God’s word or being a gay follower of Jesus.
Gay Christianity is a separate, pagan religion, cleverly disguised and seeded with biblical half-truths, that allows homosexual sin and an aspect of religion to co-exist.
2 Timothy 4:2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.
Taking up one’s cross and daily denying ourself is a truth relegated to the days of Jesus and the Apostles. For no one ever, has Christianity been what the gay Christian agenda has made it today. If the bible had been lived out according to the principles of the gay agenda, Daniel would have never had to endure the lion’s den, the three Hebrew children wouldn’t have been thrown in the fire and Peter wouldn’t have been crucified upside down, because God is a loving god and those things are uncomfortable. All those folks lived life according to biblical truth and ended up going through hell. If gays can misinterpret scripture and build a separate sect of Christianity, then the woman caught in adultery would have been vindicated to say, “Jesus wasn’t really addressing my sin when He said ‘Go and sin no more.’ He was really talking to the crowd who weren't being loving to me, because they were treating me bad.’ “
I have a friend who is a celibate gay Christian. He doesn’t engage in sex, porn or mast. He’s not going to try and walk away from gay anymore, but he will never be straight. In my opinion he is living a sequestered life of asexuality, where God is more of a warden than a savior. Another friend believes that God created him gay. He dates guys and is as monogamous as he can be. There are as many types of gay Christians as there are church denominations. I can’t answer definitively whether someone who calls themself a gay Christian will go to heaven like Alan Chambers stated on Lisa Ling. I can say that the bible says we will know Christ’s followers by the fruit they produce.
One last scripture, when it comes to fellowship with gay Christians. Fellowship with gay Christians isn’t like fellowship with gay men and women that don’t know Christ. As Christians we are to love and guide the lost. When it comes to someone who calls themself a Christian and doesn’t live according to God's will, there are a few scriptural mandates. I personally don’t believe that churches should be having conversations about compromise with the gay Christian community. For one it isn’t biblical and two we are not to compromise the word of God. If we come together to see what we agree on, the bible better be opened and consulted for the duration of the conversation. We are living in the last days and we are the persecuted church. If we stand up for what the bible says about sexual sin, we will be laughed at, mocked, taunted and persecuted. Satan has worked diligently to normalize homosexuality and distance modern day homosexuals from the homosexual offenders of ancient bible days. 1 Corinthians 5:9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”
Scripturally, we are to have two different responses to gay people as opposed to gay Christians. We are not to walk around as if we have it all together and are perfect, but we are supposed to guard our churches and our hearts against false prophets, like Justin Lee and other members of the GCN. His goal is not church integration. He is quoted in his book describing ways to bring about division in the modern day church. That doesn't sound like a plan for compromise. He may represent himself as compassionate and loving, but his motivation and goals are far from pure.
At the end of the day I believe we must lovingly represent the truth to any and all persons living a life of sexual sin. We, as those who know and live the truth, must open up our churches to repentant gay men and women seeking help. We must refuse to compromise scripture, because a compromised gospel is no gospel at all. We must provide a safe refuge for the wounded without letting the wolves disguised as sheep in. We are called to pray for the lost, the deceived and those being led away to slaughter. Men like Justin Lee and Dan Savage are touting a message that ensures the downfall of many in the gay community. It is a message filled with empty hope, mingled with biblical half-truths, but mostly high spirited, compassionate opinion. There has never been a more appropriate time for the church to awaken from their slumber, than now.
The Tenth Leper
I serve as an admin for an online accountability group for men who struggle with same sex attractions. We pray for each other, confess our faults and try our best to live in community. As many of you also know, I have devoted the biggest part of my life to helping young men walk away from homosexuality. (Hold your applause.) I do this, because I have been called by God to minister Jesus to the gay community. I lived a broken, hardcore, sinful, sexual life. Luckily Jesus found me and gave me a chance to keep others from traveling the same road.
The other day I ran across a blog post written by a guy who has also walked from a gay life like I did. It was garnished with a catchy title to grab one’s attention, so I took the bait. That’s when the feeling started. A twisting in my gut, that I couldn’t shake. As I read the last paragraph, the whispers of the enemy had grown strong. “Your ministry is an idol!” “You focus too much on people’s struggles.” “This guy has a bigger audience than you, so he must be right.” Argh!!
The crux of the article was a subtle yet effective attack on those of us who have chosen not only to walk out of homosexuality, but to return and share the redemptive power of Jesus with those still lost in the fray. By the end of the article I had more questions than feel good Jesus moments. I felt the article was misdirected and a little idealistic. He was basically saying that many men who have walked away from the gay community are now spending vast amounts of time in their Christian walk still focused on homosexuality.
The subtle barrage didn’t end there. Among his points that we don’t speak about Jesus enough, he would throw in qualifiers like, “Now I’m not saying that the Lord doesn’t call some people to start ministries or write books…. but I do not think that He calls as many as are currently in pursuit of these things.” As I read this, the words of Revelation 12:11 came to mind. “They overcame by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony…” I believe that the Lord calls all who are healed to share, speak and shout triumphantly how Jesus Christ healing power brought them back from a life of sin and restored their life. Otherwise we are simply a selfish, needy, Christian consumer treating Jesus like a spiritual free clinic. How many times has anyone gone back to thank those people?
I am at a place where I can’t read this young man’s blog any more without a bible in hand and an old priest and a young priest waiting on the porch. I’m kidding. Well…maybe. Anyway. In Luke 17 finds Jesus on his way to Jerusalem. "11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 14 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed."
Here are the verses that clinch it for me. "15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. 17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” 19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”
Jesus healed me from the debilitating, life altering condition of homosexuality. You’re gonna to have to fuse my lips together before you’ll ever convince me to keep quiet and live a subdued Christian life. I am more of the come back, "Praising god in a loud voice type." Not to be flashy and showy, but because God deserves all the glory, honor and praise I can muster. Jesus didn't just heal me from an illness. He brought me back to life. Will you be one of the nine with the consumer mentality of get what I need and get out? Or will you be the 10th Leper; forever indebted to Jesus for restoring you back to life? It’s all about Jesus my friends!
Mistaken Identity
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I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our morning “Big Fish” devotions. Scripture serves as a guiding light for me as I minister to the gay community. This past week I read a story about a woman with a crippling spirit. She was listening to Jesus in a synagogue. The woman’s ailment reminded me of my struggle with homosexuality from childhood to my late 20’s. The bible said the woman “had been crippled by a spirit for 18 years.” She was a woman who was crippled by a spirit, not a crippled woman. Her identity was rooted in her gender, not in her infirmity.
So many aspects of the woman’s story mirrored mine. As I struggled with homosexuality I began taking on a gay identity. When I began the process of walking away from homosexuality, my mentor challenged me to change my thought process. Don’t call yourself a gay man and label yourself according to your ailment, because then “gay” becomes your identity. Call yourself a Christian with homosexual struggles. Your identity as a Christian then moves to the foreground and the ailment is a sinful condition that affects you, but doesn’t define you. The process of separating myself from a gay identity had begun. I was not a gay man any more than the lady in the bible was a crippled woman.
Here is the full scripture passage, Luke 13:11-13 11 “and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. 12 When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” 13Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.
Here is what God revealed to me as I read.
1) Jesus saw the woman’s need, 2) Jesus had compassion on her, 3) Jesus was willing to heal her, 4) Jesus called her forward.
Jesus then put the healing in her hands. Everyone around her knew that she was crippled. They could see the evidence of it. She had to recognize that she was crippled and in need of Jesus’ help as well. What happened? The woman stepped forward when Jesus called her.
What went on here? She had to recognize that there was something wrong with her. She had to get beyond her shame. She had been tormented for a long time. She could have given up, accepted her fate and identified herself as a crippled woman the same way many identify themselves as gay or gay Christians. But…her handicap was evident and debilitating. She still had a choice of what to do. She chose to step forward. She chose to place her life in Jesus’ hands. She believed in Him or she had simply been ravaged by her infirmity far too long.
After Jesus laid hands on her, the bible says, “…immediately she straightened up and praised God.” She praised God for her healing, not for her infirmity. This stands in stark contrast to the belief of some gay Christians that homosexuality is a gift from God. They, unlike the woman, praise God for their infirmity, and don’t ask or even consider pursuing Jesus healing power for their broken sexuality.
Can you imagine if Jesus had called her forward and she said something like this; “Why should I come forward? There is nothing wrong with me. I’ve been this way for 18 years. Why didn’t you take this away long before now? God did this to me. I was “born this way”. I can’t change. This is who I am. This is my identity. I’ve been this way for far too long. I AM FINE! How dare you insult a crippled woman. “ I remember saying some of those same things to God and many Christians when they identified the sin of homosexuality in my life. In many ways I thought I had brought it on myself. I reasoned that God had made me that way, after prayers to remove the feelings went seemingly unanswered.
Years later when my heart and my mind were exhausted and ravaged by gay relationships and many years in the gay community, Jesus would call to me once again. This time I would step forward from the crowd, not caring what any of them had to say and humble myself, then collapse in His waiting arms.
I find it encouraging that the woman crippled by a spirit hadn’t given up on God. After 18 years we still find her in the synagogue. Where will Christ find you if he calls your name? Have you given up on freedom from homosexuality? Has someone cheated you out of your own shot at freedom, because it didn’t work for them? Have you removed yourself from the presence of God altogether? Gay Christianity is a demonic diversion cooked up by the enemy to keep us from continuing on our journey to true freedom in Jesus. Jesus, like the prodigal’s father is awaiting your arrival my friend. Ask God to give you a clear picture of the sin that you can’t or refuse to see in your life. Be honest with yourself when he reveals the truth.
Proverbs 4:18 The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. 19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.
Suicidal Thoughts
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My introduction to the concept of suicide happened as early as six years old. My mom had locked herself in her room in a fit of deep depression and anger and was threatening to kill herself with my father’s shotgun. I remember sitting in the darkened hallway of my childhood home, crouching against her door in an effort to be close to my mom. That day stood as a beacon of torment in my life for decades. I was crying, begging, pleading with her to stop. She was screaming and crying from the other side of the door as well. Time has thankfully blurred the torturous commentary from my recollection. What I do remember is wondering where my father was that day. Maybe he had experienced this before, but this was my initiation into the world of my mom’s bipolar disorder; and it would affect the rest of my life. Though my mother’s mood swings would never again reach the previous all time low, my life was irrevocably caught in the wake of her mental illness.
Many years later my own thoughts would turn to suicide, but I was already conditioned to being the good son, the straight ‘A’ kid, the boy who always followed the rules. In other words, I scared to do the wrong thing and suicide was extremely wrong in my head. So when I felt myself approaching the point of checking out, there was some part of my psyche that screamed “NO!!!” Though I wasn’t allowed to commit suicide, no one had ever said I couldn’t write about it.
At the age of 19 I authored the following poem, with years of mental, physical and verbal abuse from my mother and my personal struggle with homosexuality as my inspiration.
Death is the Answer 6-2-91
To allow the soul to go on in so much pain is an undoing of the mind.
One quick snap is all that would solve the equation of life and death.
Over and over it turns in one’s mind
What will be added to your side of the equation next?
One side is not like the other
problems + distress + loneliness should be equal to the exactly the same.
But one quick snap could equal them all to a solution.
Click.
Try again another day
Should a person in a cataclysmic mindset be allowed to roam the earth unheard?
It is necessary that they be heard and helped
Lifted up and healed
So much pain dwells in a soul
held captive by a mind and a body
Set the soul free to roam
find its own answers.
One quick snap is all it would take
Click.
Click.
Oh…FREEDOM!
The frequency of hurt and pain of my twenties would lend further inspiration to one other poem about suicide. Then life would stabilize a bit, as I left home behind and my mother’s influence.
Within the past few years, suicidal thoughts made a resurgence in my life. They were offered up by satan as an alternative to the hurt and pain that had once again kicked up in my life, because of ministry failures and hurts. I haven’t shared this publicly, but I promised God this would be a blog about my messy Christian life and not a verbal diatribe about “how you too can achieve perfection” like me. What you are about to read is my uncensored heart.
A few years ago, I was unhappy with my job, the ministry was in the garbage and my feelings of inadequacy were skyrocketing. Quite frankly, I hurt more than I breathed. I would have all night Netflix movie parties and lose myself in a fantasy world of Hollywood’s perfect life. I remember how deceptively elegant and crafty, the thoughts of the enemy were during that time. I was bombarded with the thoughts that I should keep my struggle to myself at all costs. “You are the leader of a ministry and you want people to respect you and not think your crazy.” Thoughts like, “You are a man and you’re supposed to be independent and strong.” “You have to do this on your own to prove that you can.” Sound familiar?
Satan used those thoughts to keep me separated from people that could have helped. Perhaps the most disturbing thoughts of all were the ones that came next. “Wouldn’t it be better if you were somewhere else right now?” Simple enough. But he wasn’t leading me to believe I needed a vacation in Hawaii. He was laying the foundation for suicide in my life. Other thoughts eventually came along. “It will be easier if you are somewhere else. Is this all really worth it any way? You are in so much pain.” What scares me the most looking back on that time in my life is that he never mentioned death, or killing myself. The thoughts were comforting and loving in nature, as if whoever was planting them in my head, had my best interest at heart. I can honestly say it was if he was spinning the thoughts into romantic notions of death.
I wasn’t a fallen, backslidden Christian. I was attending church every Sunday and leading others into the presence of God. I was a professing Christian, but I was tormented with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy us my friends. He is out to separate us from loved ones and end our life ever so eloquently. Satan never came to me with horns and a pitchfork. He came just as the bible describes him, an Angel of Light.
This week we remember those whose lives were ripped away before they could be fully lived. I would also like to encourage anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide, to talk about it with a trusted friend. The enemy may be whispering to you that no one cares, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is at least one person who gave His life, so that we would have the chance to live ours to the fullest. His name is Jesus. Your life was created on purpose for a purpose. You may not have found that purpose yet, but let me encourage you as someone who was courted by death. Life may be difficult right now, but if today is the worst day you have ever had, tomorrow has the potential to be a wee bit better. Hold on. Reach out. Live life. Jesus has come so that we have life and life more abundantly.
One Day in Prison
I want to share a brief story of a guy who changed my mind about something. My new friend has been living out the past several years in prison. Before I ever met him, I was the guy hired to share my story of freedom from homosexuality with a group of inmates. There was more fear and trepidation in my heart than when I heard that Oprah was starting her own network, but I pressed through. As we walked through the Jurassic Park style fences, the heaviness of that place began to complement my fears. My excitement began to slowly triumph every other emotion. I was led to believe that myself and a two others would sharing our stories, briefly. My talk would amount to 20 minutes, then we’d spend the rest of the day fellowshipping. I was handed a flyer for a conference. My name was at the top. Unbeknownst to me, I was pretty much, the entire conference. Instead of the normal 20 minutes most churches begrudgingly give, I’d been given two and a half hours. Anxiety replaced everything else. What was I supposed to talk about for almost three hours?
Every passing interaction piled a bit more humility onto my plate. Any amount of pride, contrite “brokenness” and entitlement I’d felt as the guest speaker faded. The inmates wanted to share their testimonies with me. “With me?,” I thought. “Who am I?” I was also asked to proofread a testimony from the guy I mentioned above. “Was I anyone to judge the life of a man I’d never met, based on the premise I’d somehow ‘arrived’?”
The first amazing moment was hearing the testimony of an inmate who had never shared his story before. He spoke only Spanish, but it was his desire to share his story with me. He shared his own words in his native language as an interpreter revealed their meaning to me. What an amazing gesture of intimacy and trust between two men. Once again I asked, “Who am I?” What an honor to hear their stories. I’ve encountered “free” men who have committed horrendous offenses, but hadn’t been caught like the men before me. In some ways the inmates were better off. Having been caught and punished for their offenses, most had repented of their sins. They’d been granted a fresh start. The men on the outside, though not captive behind physical bars, are destined to spend life bound in an emotional prison by their repetitive and unrepentant sin.
There I was in the midst of men, chronologically aged, but mentally the equivalent of a 7th grade soccer team; each one still searching for some level of acceptance and affirmation from a father. Then my anonymous friend took the stage, dressed in blue scrubs, looking more like a doctor prepped for surgery than a prisoner of the state. He shared his story. I witnessed the triumph and anguish of the soul I had “edited”. Throughout the conference he scurried about, working to ensure we had everything we needed. This man had worked 8 times harder to put on this conference than I had. He was building and investing in his “hometown”. I was the out-of-towner who would swoop in, do the least amount of work and get all the accolades once the lights had faded. I was only in the clouds for a moment. God allowed the whole experience to humble me yet again. He gave me one simple, contemplative thought that would haunt me for weeks. “You often wear your testimony as an emblem of pride and accomplishment, prostituting yourself out to the crowd in return for their cheers. You portray yourself as a modern day hero, but it is only through the heroic efforts of Jesus Christ that you are even still alive to gloat. Yet, my unnamed and unheralded prison disciple, wakes each morning, bows his knee and thanks Me through his tears for prison walls that brought an end to the sin that held him fast and a beginning to a life of Godly surrender and true freedom.”
I left the prison that day forever changed. There is nothing I could ever do to earn God’s grace. The humbling I received was not about the lack of work I was doing on a daily basis. It was about the lack of gratitude I had for the Person who had done all the work for my salvation. I realized that my new path consisted of two choices: to live selfishly or to live gratefully. I am not privileged with the choice as an American. I am freely given and encouraged to choose gratitude as a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Father God, help us this day to live gratefully in Your presence. To lead lives not governed by our sexuality or our “rights” as Americans, but governed by the authority of Your word and Your grace. Jesus, Your name is the power to set people free from cluttered minds, random addictions and the darkness of sin. Thank You for setting me free from a life that held me fast way too long and for not writing me off for my choice to sustain a life of sexual brokenness for so long. Father, I ask for deliverance for the gay community, the leaders, the followers and the trapped. I know how real it can feel. Redeem and rescue your sons and daughters in the gay world today Lord. Let the gifts that you have created in men and women be used to bring people to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Brother in the Trenches
HEY!!!! Just so that you know that I am not just a guy that gives advice about growth and stretching to you guys. There is a small Baptist church in my neighborhood. It is not my home church. I made friends with the pastor and he has a vision for our neighborhood. I wanted to connect with him as well, because I wanted a place where we could start a local "Exodus Style" Ministry for men in Orlando. I reached out to Pastor Grant and he suggested I show up to a men's breakfast and share my story and our house ministry with some of the men in the church. Now, after I changed my shorts and stopped freaking out, I said Yes. This is a small church in an older neighborhood. I envisioned all the men of the church being old, set in their ways and ready to ask questions like, "SO you used ta be Queer son?"
I wasn't trying to judge them, but I was a little scared. I showed up to the breakfast and 80% of the men were older. One of the guys was a huge man of a man. He looked familiar to me, but I was not about to ask where I knew him from. LOL. Pastor Grant then introduced me, praised me and said the words that sparked fear in my heart for a moment: "Matthew, share your story with us..." "GULP!" I knew God had led me there so I stepped out and shared my story and the story of Big Fish. The Big Guy who was sitting across from me never looked up and he never made eye contact. That unnerved me, but I wasn't there for him. I was there to share my story. One of the older and more intimidating guys to me heard my entire story and began to speak. He asked me if we needed an entire church for the guys in the house? If we needed a church service for them? I was meeting with them to ask for the use of one room and this guy was offering me a whole service. WHAT? Wow. The guy next to him began to ask how the church could help. He put us on the prayer list immediately. I shared my story and they asked great questions. Keep in mind I had only met with the pastor until this point. It was my first time meeting the other guys. I was scared, but I trusted God more. God led the leader of the youth group to volunteer his whole youth group to come and help with the landscaping. WHAT? The pastor asked in front of the men, what the church could do to help us out. WHAT?
After this meeting I decided to join the men's group at this local church for a bible study. Keep in mind, it is an old school Baptist church. Not too progressive. More traditional. I am not knocking them, but once again I was not sure how the men would receive me. I attended the bible study. It was so good. I was fearful. Was the pastor just humoring me? Was he going to get me into the church and then not want to talk about my testimony? Nope. Halfway through the bible study, Pastor Grant looks over and says Matthew has a great testimony of what the Lord has done in his life. My "GULP" could be heard for miles. Thank goodness he didn't ask me to share right then, but the awesome God thing is that he is not afraid of my story.
That is my story this week guys of putting myself out there into community and believing that God will protect me. If we open up ourselves and trust God, then He opens up the church to receive our wounded and struggling. What is God challenging you to do this week? What is He telling you to trust Him with? What perceived Hell is He asking you to walk through? And will you be obedient to the call? I am not just a guy who sits behind a computer screen and encourages you to grow. I am a guy who turns off my laptop and runs out on the battlefield with you. Let's fight this fight together brothers. Trusting our God to lead us to places of growth and fields of treasure. Every great thing is worth fighting for. "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." --Psalm 55:22
Get Outta The Boat Heifer!
Is it me, or does the purple Listerine feel more like battery acid than the other flavors? As I swished it around, I did a double take at the label, searching for ingredients I was certain were in there, like “magma” or “diesel fuel”. Two nights ago, after a very enjoyable dinner with friends, my car decided to die momentarily in the parking lot. It was fixed the next day then the AC, which I had fixed a few weeks prior, went out. Did I mention how much my feet hurt as well?
Time to complain? Nope, time to testify about the peace that God has been granting me lately. The night my car broke down, my friend Luis drove Josh and I home. Problem solved. I was more than a little thrown off course, by the engine malfunction. Why? Well, the next day I had three very interconnected, tough to schedule, but very necessary appointments. You know the ones. If you’re a minute late to one, or something goes awry, the whole day could be ruined. I had from 9 pm at night to 9 am the next morning to sweat, stew and dream about how terrible the next day was going to be. I made it home and when I sat down to worry, a sense of peace washed over me instead. I don’t know that I have ever felt that before. I questioned this soothing, but unfamiliar feeling. There was one other attack that threatened my sanity that evening, yet I couldn’t forget the peace that God has used to cloak my heart.
Our dinner conversation with friends and the next day’s appointments were God ordained moments. The enemy did his best to derail ‘The Mercy Express’. satan launched his attack as soon as he could. God had begun the peace process way before then. Turns out that the repair on my car was covered under warranty. The Listerine just needed a good “shaken not stirred” action and the other two appointments worked out better after the car issue.
Every time I have begun to let doubt creep in, the Holy Spirit has been right there with a scripture. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”-- Psalm 37:25. I read this a few weeks ago. Waterfall in the Wilderness Moment! Then today, quite “randomly” I was taking part in the filming of a new Bible DVD series and the guy on stage quotes Psalm 37:25. That peaceful feeling came again, but this time it was accompanied by something else. It was the feeling of knowing and believing that the verse was absolutely and undeniably true. I can’t explain it, but I felt the belief take hold of me like a physical manifestation of truth programmed into every cell of my body.
God is so faithful, even when I rekindle my past. I have been here before: doubt, despair and fear of failure. When I walked away from 15 years of history as a Sea World animal trainer, it was much the same as walking away from 20+ years as a gay man. Both were places of comfort and familiarity. Both met certain needs I had. I had outgrown them both as well. When I stepped away from both I was that “wobbly toddler” taking those first bumbling steps away from stability and towards the unknown.
Peter didn’t just dip his foot in and yell “HEY JESUS! Look at me!” Peter asked “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” (Jesus) said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. “ To do great things my brothers, you gotta get off your lazy butt and step out of the boat. Turn off the TV, quit downloading porn, stop being afraid to fail, begin trusting God and do something with the life that He has so graciously loaned you. Peter's faith started with a desire and culminated in a conversation with Jesus. What is the desire of your heart little brothers? Start your long overdue conversation with Jesus today. Keep your heart and your ears open for His response.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord...
Father's Day Testimony
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A while back I was asked to share a snippet of why I am grateful for my father for the Father's Day message at our church. I asked my pastor if I could share my story with emphasis on my testimony. My pastor said Yes. I asked, "Do you think the church is ready for it?" He said "Yes." I love my church. I love our leadership. I love the people. Praise God that there are still churches where the leaders read and submit their lives to the word of God. Even as the rest of the religious world slips daily into a deadly romance with worldly beliefs.