Before you get engaged my friends, this is going to be a two parter. I hate when I get to the end of a show and I see that heart-wrenching, death moniker, “TO BE CONTINUED…”. So read on with a little trepidation and a lot of patience. There are a couple of things really chapping my hide right now. Well…other than Hilary’s 2016 bid for the White House and the current White House Regime’s continual destruction of American civil liberties and freedoms. I keep receiving e-mails from RussianBrides.com and someone signed me up for the AARP newsletter. Florida is hot people. A Russian bride would not fair well here and I am only 42, AARP really? On top of that Cardigans are making a return from the depths of hel…well anyway, you get it. Cardigans and Grateful Dead tribute bands. Don’t you wish there was a section in federal prison for that. Why did I sit down to write?
Oh yes. Big Fish Ministries was visited by an amazing prayer warrior woman last Wednesday and Thursday. She taught on the benefits of inner healing and gave us prayer for all the major wounds of childhood and beyond. I had so many mental visuals I felt like I was at a Grateful Dead concert. God really began to pour healing into the areas of my brain that fed into the foundation of my homosexual attractions and desires. Don’t get weirded out before you hear me out. The bible is clear on Spiritual warfare. Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. And the bible is also clear about cleansing our minds. Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Bringing God into the places where I was hurt was difficult for two reasons: “Why did He allow me to get hurt?” and “Where was God while the hurt was being perpetrated?”
There are so many developmental causations between the damage done to us as children in a fallen world and the emergence of sexual brokenness, or in my case homosexual desires. For so long I chose to build the foundation of my life on the broken foundation of homosexuality that I never selected. I sowed into a gay identity for many years. So many in fact that with each year it got harder and harder to admit that my choice to build and nurture a gay life might be wrong. After all, I never chose a gay life. My belief was that it was chosen for me or God created me that way; please appreciate what a confusing place it was to be.
Hard and fast belief of mine #1: I don’t believe anyone chooses to be gay. H.A.F.B. #2: I do believe that the desires can be likened to the seed of a vine or dare I say a parasite. The seed is planted in a suitable environment and grows and develops over time, like a choking vine that grows alongside a tree over time and uses the tree as a platform to support it’s growth. I compare it also to a parasite whose larval stage is deposited inside an organism and remains undetected until a point that it’s exponential growth eventually overtakes and affects the development of that organism. That is not a clinical observation based in prejudice, but an experiential observation from MY life.
What our friend and prayer warrior Donna was able to help us see was that there were so many attacks perpetrated in our lives that our opinions, feelings and desires were bound to be swayed. For instance, I suffered a lot of physical, mental and verbal abuse at the hand of my mother. So it’s understandable that I might develop a fear of women. I also sustained some damage from the relationships with my brother, father and other male peers in my life. It’s understandable that I might have a little fear of men in my life as well. I can’t get into the particulars just yet, but I realized that my abuse wasn’t a one time event. It was a day in, day out event that left me roaming the halls of my home looking for rapture. And with that I must leave you until Part 2: Rescue and Rehabilitation.