Every Thorn Has It's Rose
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Today would have been my mom’s 70th birthday. Her name is Hazel…“like a nut,” she would say, “because I’m kinda crazy.” If mom were alive, she would be celebrating at a local BBQ place or Incredible Pizza, which is actually dad’s favorite. She left a lot of hope and humor behind in her letters. My mom, Hazel Ann Walker, wrote long letters; lots of them. Each, a delightful rambling on work, recipes, my dad and life. One of our best memories was the Thanksgiving I volunteered to help cook. I got bored so I flew the 15 lb., uncooked bird around the kitchen before ultimately posing it like a Playboy centerfold on the sink. Mom tried not to laugh, but when she saw the beheaded fowl provocatively positioned, she couldn’t hold it in.
Mom was the reason I got a college degree and could prepare an entire meal from scratch. She was also the source of great emotional upheaval in my life. Creative and tough, she did her best to keep her tortured past in the past. She sacrificed for the good of others. Scanning back over stacks of hand written letters, I realize that in the midst of our thorny relationship, some beautiful roses grew. I would love to share my mom with you; in her own words.
Dear Son, January 25, 1994, 1:20 PM
I love you and am concerned about you. I love you very much (Daddy does to) and I never want you to doubt it. We are very proud of you. We all feel trapped, scolded, hurt and confused. At those times, take time to look at ourselves kindly. Breathe in God’s life and celebrate that He loves us. Grace is a gift of God. We are not perfect. We are humans. We need to accept ourselves as such. LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH! As you pass through this world you’ll wear many different shoes. You’ll never know how they feel on the other person till you’ve worn them yourself.
Life is an attitude and it depends on one’s own. I’ve never been to college or anywhere else, but I’ve lived 46 years in this hard, old world. Things happen that are good and BAD. Just learn to hang in there. Take it day by day. Do not worry as your mother does. It hurts God when you do. I’ve tried to protect all of my children from hurt and the world. That is wrong! The way you grow up is to take on responsibility. I think you want adult privileges, but no adult responsibility. I want so many things for you. Some things I want for you, money can’t buy: a good relationship with the Lord, happiness, self-confidence and positive thinking.
When you are older you’ll tend to mellow a bit. When you’re young your feelings are intense. They seem to be right up front. It took me over 40 years to grow up in some areas of my life. That sounded good didn’t it? The courses you are taking are hard. Do the best you can do. I’m sure everyone who has been to college or done anything worthwhile has run into HARD times. If I look behind me and see some of the things I’ve gone through, there was some point I thought that I couldn’t have done them. Dad & I are behind you 100%. You can tell the Lord anything. I have and you know me! Just call upon him. Please try to go to church once a week. Love, Hazella
Son, October 27, 1992 9:15 a.m.
The world’s a better place because you’re in it! A little crazier, maybe, but better! (As a rule) only buy things on sale. There is too little good in this world so spread it around. I wore my pants backwards and Dad pooped his. I laughed so much I threw up in the Wal-Mart parking lot and almost wet my pants. I couldn’t get the door unlocked or window open fast enough for Jack. He just sat there yelling. It was a good afternoon for us. Today is another beautiful day in Oklahoma. I told Daddy no one would have us we’re too rotten. I fed him hot cookies and milk at about ten last night.
I have made 10 loaves of Zucchini bread and 3 pans of orange rolls. I really need to diet, but I really love to eat. I love you and wish you well. You need to really do some soul searching. Do you want to be an adult and accept all responsibility? Or do you want to be a child? No one can make these decisions for you.
I think one thing I’d really like is a clean house and nice curtains. I guess I don’t or I would have them. I’ve thrown away a big sack of my clothes. Aren’t you proud of me? I know you can do good, but living life is not easy. It’s not a party everyday or a t-shirt. What really bothers me about being short staffed at work is not doing the kind of work I like to do; good work.
I’ve written bigger checks to you than anyone in my 43 years. You never know what is going to happen in your life. The Lord will help you and guide you. You need to let the Bible help you. Daddy prays for all of us. I just wish I had his faith.
We’ve always wondered if stinky people can smell themselves or if they just think it’s someone else. I told Daddy when we got in bed Tuesday night why don’t you ever think of your legs, shoulders, hips, and knees when you’re young? Cause they don’t hurt.
Love, Mother
Matty,
We went to church last night and had a good service. I feel so much better after I go. The Bible says if your enemy is hungry, give him food. If he is thirsty, give his something to drink. This will make him feel ashamed of himself, and God will reward you. I have really been trying to do better, but it’s so hard to be a Christian. The devil (so daddy says) has been putting the most horrible thoughts in my mind. I have been reading my Bible more. For awhile I read it and none of it made sense. Jesus is always there. Always the same.
I think someone needs to draw a picture for new Christians, so they can succeed in living a Christian life. Prayer, Bible reading, and Christian fellowship. Sometimes I feel like an idiot trying to be a Christian. I see things like I’ve never seen them before. I was a Christian for several years when you were small.
You are not gaining a thing by comparing yourself to someone else. I hope you will realize this and stop it. There is always someone worse off. Just keep looking around and you are blessed. You have a healthy body, good mind, common sense, good personality, and good looking. What you are doing (I feel in making changes) is growing up! It hurts and we don’t like it, but it’s a fact. If you want to excel in college, it should be top priority after the Lord. I asked you to attend church once a week. More for you than for me.
Are you running from the Lord? Please don’t think I’m preaching. I’ve always felt like you had a job to do here for the Lord. Are you maybe running from yourself? Twenty‑four hours in a day are yours. I keep telling myself I have the same 24 hours Helen Keller had! When we were first married we wanted a new car, nice house, and furniture. Why? Other people we knew had them. You want things and lot of them when you are younger. This is the time you really can’t afford them, but when you’d enjoy them most. As you get older I think you appreciate what you get more.
A lot of people don’t have what your Dad & I have for our children and other people. Believe it or not they would like to. You can’t buy it with money. Manners and being nice do not cost any money. Always try to put yourself in the other fellow’s place and it may change your view.
I really don’t think God would have minded if I had stayed home to watch the Country Music Awards. I told Jack I think He likes country music. I did not want to end on 13 pages and now I’m to 15 pages. I’m reading a book about Abraham Lincoln. He was very very smart and very religious. Also a good story teller. I just always think of him as tall, ugly and freeing the slaves.
P.S. Everybody has a cross to bear. Jesus loves us even though he knows our deepest thoughts. I’ve had PMS today. Poor Jack. Love, Mother
Jack is my father; mom’s forever faithful husband. He loved her unconditionally. He showed me a Godly example of how to love a woman well, regardless. In her absence, her letters share the very essence of a mother’s heart.
Her love for me is summed up in one sentence. After attending my first college play where I portrayed an Indian brave wearing nothing more than a dance belt, body paint and a dish rag, she hugged me and said,
“I think you’re a real special guy; even in a loin cloth.”
Happy Birthday “June”!
Remembering My Mom
My relationship with my mom was a hard fought battle. Nothing about it was easy. Over the years we shed more tears than a Miss Universe crowning. I was a shy, sensitive kid. She was born to an emotionally distant, angry alcoholic who believed that “girls can’t work so they are a waste of food.” My mom was gifted with a sensitive caring heart, but it was repeatedly crushed in the harsh reality of her world. She grew up simultaneously fearing men, but falling in love with my dad. They were married 38 years. When my relationship with her was good, we shared an emotional synergy capable of changing the world. When it was bad, we inflicted heart damage on each other that we’d never recover from until her death. Around Christmas of 2011, God called me home to check on mom and dad. I knew He was calling me home, but I didn’t know why. Christmas day unceremoniously came and went. Mom had spent the last two years living in her recliner in the living room. She had simply checked out of life and honestly seemed to be waiting on God to take her home. My mom had always struggled with Bi-polar disorder, but tried hard to hide it from my brother and I. She wasn’t always successful. I grew up afraid of her.
Christmas 2011 was difficult at best. Conversations were sparse and strained, if at all. I spent many days occupying the couch opposite my mother’s makeshift fortress from which she watched the life stories and adventures of the people in her chosen community play out on TV. I still had no idea what God was up to. Most days I felt like a rescue diver desperately scanning for signs of life in the “murky waters” of what remained of my relationship with my mother. Then hope surfaced.
During one of our marathon TV stints, mom asked me to pray for her. This was completely unexpected. As I knelt at her feet, I was immediately nervousness. What should I pray? I finished my prayer and we settled back in until the next day. Once again she asked for prayer. I was freaking out. What was this about God?
The following day I prayed over my mother again; a few minutes she would be gone. The events of that day were burned into my head with a white, hot laser. The prayer that day was straight up spiritual warfare. I believe my mother was tormented by demons her whole life. The Holy Spirit and I seemed to be alone in that belief. I prayed in tongues. I prayed in the name of Jesus taking no notice of the people in the room. During the prayer she stopped fighting me and slumped into her chair, a look of peace on her face.
My mom was plagued with anger, sadness, bitterness and unforgiveness. It would eventually choke the life out of her sensitive heart. I believe she lost the will to live. She had resigned herself to that recliner after resigning from life. She was addicted to prescription drugs. Her counselor was worthless and instead of getting my mom off the few drugs she was on, only succeeded in putting her on many additional medications. At the end of the day, my mom’s heart simply gave out.
Growing up, my family hid every aspect of their lives; not just the private stuff. I grew up watching relatives stuff every tear, trial and emotion so deep that even satan himself had trouble finding it. When I left home, I refused to live a life of quiet desperation, beyond the borders of true community. My mother died quietly; sequestered in silence, because someone somewhere painted emotions as a weakness. I now know that emotions are a gift from God that give life perspective. I wish to honor my mother’s memory, learn from her mistakes and the mistakes of others that sent her down the wrong path.
My mother was a culinary seamstress, weaving the tastiest tapestries of sugar, butter and Crisco and wielded bleach with reckless abandon against every strain of bacteria known to man. She would occasionally sneak a piece of Colby Jack Cheese into her bedroom late at night and subsequently fall asleep before eating it, leaving it to harden and get lost under her pillow, only to be found later. She screamed, cried and laughed in equal amounts and taught me that every hurt could be mended with cookies, bacon or a whole mess of fried potatoes. Above all else, I know she loved me.
There are days I wish I could have done more to show her how much she impacted my life. Days I miss her beyond belief. I know at the end of her life I served and honored her well. As I stood by her hospital bed 4 years ago in a cold, dimly lit room, I thanked her for giving me the life she never had. I thanked her for naming me Aaron and challenging me to be a voice in the world. I tried my hardest to remember the good she did and forget the bad she never meant to do. Ultimately I thanked her for her sacrificial life and said goodbye one last time.
Beltway Meltdown
Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.
One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.
I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked. The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.
Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.
The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.
God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.
People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.
After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.
No one...deserves my anger.
Jesus. nothing else matters.
In the middle of cooking my dinner last night, the Holy Spirit brought a guy to mind and simply said you need to check on him now. I’ve experienced this Holy Spirit inkling before, but had not experienced in awhile. Anyway, I sent the guy a text. The first return text simply said, “Ummm”. The next few texts proved that it was indeed the Holy Spirit’s voice I’d heard and not just my own inner monolgue. My friend was arranging an intimate encounter with another guy, when he received my text. I shared my Holy Spirit prompting with him. I also let him know that he had the chance to stop the encounter; that the Holy Spirit was looking out for him. My friend’s exact words were, “It’s amazing how I can ignore the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but a text is hard to ignore.” Interesting. When we ignore the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit, sometimes He “phones a friend”. There were a few more texts that evening, but no deep conversation. A voice text in the morning confirmed what I already felt in my spirit. Despite the warnings, my friend decided not to take the escape route and went ahead with the encounter with the guy.
Before you judge my friend, ask yourself, “Have I ever been there before?” The place where your flesh and your mind conspire to write a script and your body acts it out. That doesn’t absolve us of responsibility. It simply shows us that when we are caught up in our addictions we need supernatural help to break free.
I get lots of calls for help. Some guys are seeking God’s wisdom and some are simply seeking comfort in the moment. It is always a chance to practice humility. If I am simply compassionate, taking their woes on my shoulders, I make myself responsible for meeting their needs. In essence, I become their god. Where the humility comes into play, is realizing that only God can meet their need. I can get an emotional high from helping them, but I am really the only one benefitting. Every phone call should be centered on Jesus and steeped in God’s word. Every conversation should end in prayer. Colossians 3:16 “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit…”. If someone’s problems come to rest on my ego, then nothing eternal is accomplished.
When we neglect to factor Jesus into the equation of our lives, things just don’t add up. Jesus says it this way, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5. In short, we were built to be in relationship with the King of the Universe. Without the Word of God, without fully relying on Jesus, the struggle to break free from sin is done in our own strength. God gives us the strength to walk away. He also cuts the ‘rubber bands’ that keep yanking us back into sin when we’ve reached our limit.
We may have been survivor’s all our life. We may have been the most independent and reliable people on the planet. The veritable Kings of our Castle, but once we say yes to Jesus we must begin the process of surrendering all our “control” over to Him.
I have met many people who’ve said they tried to walk out of homosexuality and it didn’t work. So they stopped trying. Jesus is not something you test drive like a car. He’s a ‘someone’ you continually, diligently pursue for the rest of your life. James 4:8 says that if we draw close to God, He will draw close to us. More often than not those who’ve tried and failed are doing it in their own strength. Jesus never gets full control of their lives, but He definitely gets all the blame when SSA feelings don’t go away. It isn’t fair. To God? To the struggler? To the people that they will influence?
That being said, this is my official resignation letter. I hereby abdicate my right to the throne as King over my domain and destiny. I hereby resign as the King over anyone else’s as well. I humbly take on the duty of letting my life and my words lead people to Jesus; the person who helped me with my brokenness. The Cross of Christ; where “simply existing” ends and real life begins.
It is my greatest desire to point you to Jesus. He is the only reason I have walked in freedom from the sin of homosexuality. Jesus is the only reason that my same sex attractions never truly solidified into a gay identity. If you are leaning on anything other than Jesus, then I lovingly say you have it wrong. If you are allowing your pride and independence to stand between you and fully surrendering your life to Jesus, you are missing out. If we are not fully relying on Jesus for everything, then we are destined for disappointment. Doomed to tread the same, circular rut, over and over wondering why progress seems so elusive.
Jesus says this, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” -John 14:6.
Jesus also said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” -Matthew 16:24. David Crowder says it this way. “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Lord, I want to go to heaven, but I don’t want to die. Though I long for the day when I have new birth. Still I love livin’ here on earth.”
Luke:14:26 "If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.” Jesus isn’t literally saying to hate anyone. He is simply saying that we are to love Him more than our family and even our very lives. He is saying that He is to be our main influence in this life. Jesus was able to put God’s will before His sexuality. We should hold ourselves to the same standard.
During the years after I walked away from homosexuality, I struggled with doing the right thing. I lived righteously. I lived carnally; like the tides, my spiritual life ebbed and flowed. I knew the bible didn’t support the theology of gay “christianity”, to which I had once subscribed, but I was having trouble reconciling my beliefs and broken sexuality. Eventually, I found Galatians 5:16 “…Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” The bible was basically saying that if I pursued a walk with God, then I could find freedom from my gay life.
I was a few months into my walk with God, when I felt God calling me into a deeper relationship with Him. I had spent 10 years doing my own thing, with my whole heart. It was time to follow God with the same kind of reckless abandon. I didn’t want to be like any of the people Jesus mentioned in Luke:9:57-62.
57 Now it happened as they journeyed on the road, that someone said to Him, "Lord, I will follow You wherever You go." 58 And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." 59 Then He said to another, "Follow Me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." 60 Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God." 61 And another also said, "Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house." 62 But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."
The Christian walk is about forward motion. I couldn’t see progress on a daily basis when I was just starting to walk with God, but eventually after a few months, I felt lighter. Continue walking toward God and away from your sin and eventually you will see the difference.
I have blogged before about my 35-year struggle with internet pornography. I will never be one to hide my sin, but I will be one to credit Jesus for my triumphs over it. I didn’t walk away from homosexuality more than 15 years ago, because I have great willpower. All the glory and credit for that walk goes to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I demonstrated a willingness to move toward God and away from sin. In turn, God etched a path in the rock for me. I had to decide to follow God, one difficult decision at a time. The little failures that God allowed, taught me lessons to avoid big failures later on. The world looks at our failures through a magnifying glass. God looks at them through the blood of Jesus.
Surrender to Jesus. It really is the difference between life and death. The world has plenty of medications to offer and every one of them will keep you sick. Heaven has but one prescription for what ails you and He works every time.
Stay in the Ship
The other day I noticed that another Facebook friend had joined a somewhat exclusive, online club; the Facebook official club. For those of you unfamiliar with what Facebook official represents, it’s the act of announcing your dating relationship to the world via Facebook. The Facebook Official proclamation falls somewhere between “You’re kinda cute” and “I wanna have yo baby”. Oftentimes it announces a relationship previously in progress. One trend I am noticing is that gay couples are using it to announce their relationships, but as a way of coming out to friends and family who might not have a clue. This is where I found myself the other day. I was trolling the newsfeed, looking for funny videos, searching for a daily life slogan and catching up on the latest political and social gaffes that Barack or Michelle had perpetrated on the highly esteemed office of POTUS or FLOTUS. I happened upon a guy that I shared my testimony with about 10 years ago. We have been facebook “friends” this entire time. We met at a Christian, collegiate conference called Sonburst. I spoke at the conference and shared about Jesus and leaving homosexuality with a group of about 100 students. One of the students grabbed my email and shared his similar struggle with same sex attraction. We met to hangout and conversed off and on for a few years. Eventually he moved and the lines of communication grew quiet. The cold hard fact about Facebook though is that you can think you know so much about a person and still know so very little about their lives. I saw that my friend had announced that he was Facebook Official with a guy. I know I hadn’t talked to him in years, but my heart sank. Homosexuality develops as a result of brokenness in relationships and other developmental factors. I hate to see that someone has simply resigned himself to a life built on a foundation of dysfunction. It hurts my heart to see any man, let alone the men who know the truth of the bible regarding homosexuality, choose a different path than the one that God has ordained for all men. Homosexuality is not in God’s plan for us. It is simply not His best for his creation. No matter how many times gay christians manipulate and twist scripture to suit their need or omit the bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts, it doesn’t change the fact that God designed man for woman and woman for man and that any sexual relationship outside of marriage is sin. So there I was, reading and disbelieving my friend’s post. My heart sank a little further as read the comments below in support of his proclamation; nothing but “love” for this man and his relationship. Then I began to wonder, how will he know the truth if no one tells them? How will they find their way back to the will people know the truth of God if they are surrounded by only by the voices of sinful, broken people? I knew I needed to once again, share the truth in love with my friend. I felt in my heart that a loving, compassionate, private message was the way to go. I simply said, I saw your post about dating a guy. I remember where we met and what we talked about together. I have continued my walk out of homosexuality. Homosexuality is not God’s best for you. His reply came a few days later. My friend was no longer the receptive young 20 something that had pursued me for the truth. His reply represented the burgeoning and hybridized viewpoint of many gay Christians today: a little bit of truth mixed with some misinterpreted scripture and a whole lot of defensiveness. It was hurtful, but I understand his response. You are living your happy life, that you have fought hard for and some guy sends you a message after 10 years to tell you that he doesn’t feel that you are doing the right thing and he calls out your relationship with God in the process. Even though my intention was nothing but true love, what I did was put him on guard. So what is the proper response. I wouldn’t change the fact that I spoke truth to my friend, but I would change the fact that I didn’t invite God in to help me process my friends announcement the minute that I read it. I knew I needed to be the only voice of spiritual reason in my friend’s life, but my response was reactive, not relational. My friend said something that stuck in my throat and put a knot in my stomach. He said, unless I had been talking to God on his behalf for the last ten years, I had no idea what God’s plan was for him. Though there’s truth and falsehood to that statement, it was a convicting thought. How much had I prayed for this boy over the last 10 years? How much had I even involved myself in his life? These were all ponderings I took to God in prayer. I knew that a three sentence Facebook message wasn’t going to bring down the power of the Holy Spirit and immediately bring conviction to my friend. I did believe that it would start a dialogue not a “forest fire”. Over the next couple of days, I took my friend’s name before the Lord. I asked for forgiveness for not praying for him more. I asked God for intervention and healing in his life. The entire event has led me to pray more attentively for guys I am mentoring, have mentored or simply gay men I see when I am out and about. I don’t have all the time in the world to pray for every guy, but I know that a number of them have given up on God and given up on walking away from homosexuality. Many have resigned themselves to a form of spirituality called gay christianity as a means of managing their homosexual desires and their desire to serve Christ. I know all too well the battle that rages on in one’s head regarding Christianity and homosexuality. I tried for years to comingle the two. At the end of the day, gay chrisitianity isn’t a life of denying oneself daily, taking up your cross and following Christ, but a patchwork quilt of partial obedience to certain scriptures and a complete disregard of scriptures condemning homosexual practices. I have been led to pray differently for them. Scripture says in Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;”. God is faithful to save our loved ones from the bondage of sin. We must not have more faith that satan has our friends bound, but extreme trust that God is at work in their lives. We must in fact, trust in the Lord with all of our heart. God loves our loved ones and friends so much more than we do. He created them. My prayer for each one of the men I pray for is that they would know God more and more each day. When it comes to the LGBT community, there seem to be two schools of thought, “Support them fully or you’re anti-gay” and “Condemn them completely, because they are all lost”. Personally, I don’t subscribe to either. I can’t support their pursuit of things outside the scope of God’s will for them, but I can love them as God’s creation and hope that one day they all become children of God through an active relationship with Jesus. Even as the world blindly and unwittingly supports all things LGBT, we as Christians must share the truth in love, risk facing persecution and stand before God bearing the names of gay identified men and women in our lives. A while back, I was led Acts 27. Paul is traveling by ship to stand trial before Caesar. Acts 27:23 Paul says, “Last night an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I serve stood beside me 24 and said, ‘Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you.” I was moved by the Holy Spirit to ask God to graciously give me the lives of “the men traveling with me in my ship”. I felt led by the Holy Spirit to speak out the names of the men in my life. God warned Paul that the men must remain on the ship for their life to be spared. Inevitably in ministry there are men who chose to ignore the warning and jump ship even as others heed the warning and remain with the ship regardless of the impending doom they see. Prayerfully, I’m asking God to spare the lives of the men in the “ship in my mind”. It is not God’s will that anyone should perish.
A Christian, a transgender and a redneck walk into a church.
Over the past few years the influence of the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN) has become quite prolific, in our culture and in the church. You might be asking, “What is the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN)?”
Here is a description of the GCN from their website-
“Founded in 2001, the Gay Christian Network (GCN) is a nonprofit Christian ministry dedicated to building bridges and offering support for those caught in the crossfire of one of today’s most divisive culture wars.
Our membership includes both those on Side A (supporting same-sex marriage and relationships) and on Side B (promoting celibacy for Christians with same-sex attractions). What began as an organization to provide support to LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender)...”
We live in a culture of convenience. We have reinterpreted the old saying, “Don’t take no for an answer”. No one is going to deny us what we want. We thumb our noses at God when it comes to the our Christian lives, but often in the most “polite” ways. We expect everything and everyone, including God, to realize the world revolves around us. I say, you can put lipstick on a Pig or Frosting on a turd, but all you have is a Pig with lipstick on it and…you get the picture. God isn’t having it. A life in Christ, is a life of submission to his will, not His to ours.
I was a gay “Christian” when being a gay “Christian” wasn’t cool. Let me explain why I became a gay “Chrisitian”. After I came out, the first guy that God brought my way was a Canadian, Baptist minister’s son. Yes, I said “God brought my way.” Hold up, put down your torches and pitchforks, LISTEN. On our first date, he told me that he grew up Christian, but early on he knew that he was gay. He told me that he knew he couldn’t be both and that homosexuality wasn’t a choice, and Christianity was, so he chose gay. It was 1993. I wasn’t living for God, but I heard the Holy Spirit, plain as day tell me “You can’t make that same choice.” Hear this my friends; I was a gay man, on a date with a guy and the Holy Spirit still spoke to me. God has never told anyone that it’s okay to be gay, but he has always and will always perform rescue missions to men and women trapped in the gay life. God still speaks wisdom to the lost, the found, gay, straight, transgendered and rednecks.
Gay “Christianity” was my attempt to make sense of my same sex attractions and my Christian walk. I would never stop being a Christian, but I didn’t know how to stop being gay. I got it way wrong for way too long. However, God used the “tiny window” I gave Him and my Christian upbringing, to allow Jesus Christ to build a kingdom in my heart. That led me out of gay “Christianity” and into true and authentic, biblical fellowship with Jesus. As a gay “Christian” Jesus was a protective accessory I “wore” to keep the bible thumpers at bay. As a Christian, Jesus became something real; my friend, and savior. He was living inside my heart, not serving as a superficial adornment.
Thank God I didn’t have more intelligence than sense. That would have led me down a path of reinterpreting scriptures to rationalize my sin, rather than leading me to place my sin under the authority of scripture. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Justin Lee and gay “Christians” aren’t the enemy. They are simply hurting people who have have found ways not to hurt anymore.
I share the following links to help bring awareness to the battle that is going on behind the scenes. Satan uses people, places and things to do his work. He always has a substitute for God’s plan. I am disheartened by the seductive and cunning teachings of the GCN. Many friends have succumbed to its deception. The links lead to two essays on the GCN webpage that reinterpret scripture to condone and normalize homosexuality.
Isaiah 55:11 says, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” My friend Sy Rogers has called the gay Church, “the church of the revolving door”. Many people go in, some meet Jesus, then they leave the church. I place hope in this scripture and that statement.
I found a wonderful piece on reinterpreting scripture on the “Let Us Reason Ministry” website.
Let Us Reason Ministry- http://www.letusreason.org/Biblexp117.htm
Here it is: “Deuteronomy 4:2 “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take anything from it”
Deuteronomy 12:32 “See that you do all I command you; do not add to it or take away from it.”
“Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.” Proverbs 30:6
In our day there is the belief in “progressive revelation” that originates from outside the Word. What right does anyone have to teach what is not in Scripture as if it is Scripture? False teachers do not want to submit to its original intent, so they do not seek what Scripture actually (exegesis) means, instead, they conform it to what they want it to mean (isogesis). They will look to another source as their authority because they are not under God’s authority. This is why Paul admonishes us in 1 Corinthians 4:6: “not to think beyond what is written” (exceed or go past).
The reason God is so adamant on this is because “The entirety of Your word is truth” Psalms 119: 160.
Proverbs 30:5 “Every word of God is pure; he is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.”
If we look at the context it [is] saying “Every word of God.” God is stating for MAN not to add to his words. Adding does not only mean additional words, but can also mean changing them to mean what they do not. When you add new words as equal to Scripture you are really taking away from Scripture.” The end.
Well said. In 1998, Jesus Christ delivered me from the amorphous, false religion of gay “Christianity”. The Holy Spirit showed me that it was His job, not mine, to interpret scripture. My only job was to willingly and consistently, surrender my will to God’s authority.
Chances are, if the gospel you are patterning your life after is not challenging you to move, change and grow, then it is probably not “The Gospel” at all. May God richly bless you on your journey out of homosexuality or the sin that holds you fast. May you accept the sacrifice of Jesus Christ as payment for and deliverance from your sin. May the Holy Spirit be the only one you let interpret scripture. This is the hardest fight of my life, but I must deny myself daily and take up my cross and follow Christ. The world is pushing you to hit the “Like” button on their sin. Refuse to listen to any voice, except the Voice of the Father.
By sharing the first link, I invite you to see how “correct” the GCN statement of faith appears. It looks good on paper, but if they truly “affirm that the Bible is Holy Scripture, divinely inspired and authoritative, and not merely a human work.” then how can they endorse any aspect of sexual sin? -- https://www.gaychristian.net/statementoffaith.php
The following link will lead you to a set of essays written about two sides of Gay Christianity. They are long, but I believe we all have a “horse in this race”. We owe it to the deceived to read and gain an understanding of what we are up against. Satan has studied every aspect of truth and teaching that the Ex-gay and Christian community has in regards to the roots and causes of homosexuality. he has covered all of his bases and he has an excellent PR team. (And according to their website, he is still hiring.) You owe it to yourself to spend some time understanding your adversary. 1 Peter 5:8 says it simply. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
The Essays: Two sides of the gay “Christian” debate- https://www.gaychristian.net/greatdebate.php
Scratching the Surface
Before you get engaged my friends, this is going to be a two parter. I hate when I get to the end of a show and I see that heart-wrenching, death moniker, “TO BE CONTINUED…”. So read on with a little trepidation and a lot of patience.
There are a couple of things really chapping my hide right now. Well…other than Hilary’s 2016 bid for the White House and the current White House Regime’s continual destruction of American civil liberties and freedoms. I keep receiving e-mails from RussianBrides.com and someone signed me up for the AARP newsletter. Florida is hot people. A Russian bride would not fair well here and I am only 42, AARP really? On top of that Cardigans are making a return from the depths of hel…well anyway, you get it. Cardigans and Grateful Dead tribute bands. Don’t you wish there was a section in federal prison for that. Why did I sit down to write?
Oh yes. Big Fish Ministries was visited by an amazing prayer warrior woman last Wednesday and Thursday. She taught on the benefits of inner healing and gave us prayer for all the major wounds of childhood and beyond. I had so many mental visuals I felt like I was at a Grateful Dead concert. God really began to pour healing into the areas of my brain that fed into the foundation of my homosexual attractions and desires. Don’t get weirded out before you hear me out. The bible is clear on Spiritual warfare. Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. And the bible is also clear about cleansing our minds. Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Bringing God into the places where I was hurt was difficult for two reasons: “Why did He allow me to get hurt?” and “Where was God while the hurt was being perpetrated?”
There are so many developmental causations between the damage done to us as children in a fallen world and the emergence of sexual brokenness, or in my case homosexual desires. For so long I chose to build the foundation of my life on the broken foundation of homosexuality that I never selected. I sowed into a gay identity for many years. So many in fact that with each year it got harder and harder to admit that my choice to build and nurture a gay life might be wrong. After all, I never chose a gay life. My belief was that it was chosen for me or God created me that way; please appreciate what a confusing place it was to be.
Hard and fast belief of mine #1: I don’t believe anyone chooses to be gay. H.A.F.B. #2: I do believe that the desires can be likened to the seed of a vine or dare I say a parasite. The seed is planted in a suitable environment and grows and develops over time, like a choking vine that grows alongside a tree over time and uses the tree as a platform to support it’s growth. I compare it also to a parasite whose larval stage is deposited inside an organism and remains undetected until a point that it’s exponential growth eventually overtakes and affects the development of that organism. That is not a clinical observation based in prejudice, but an experiential observation from MY life.
What our friend and prayer warrior Donna was able to help us see was that there were so many attacks perpetrated in our lives that our opinions, feelings and desires were bound to be swayed. For instance, I suffered a lot of physical, mental and verbal abuse at the hand of my mother. So it’s understandable that I might develop a fear of women. I also sustained some damage from the relationships with my brother, father and other male peers in my life. It’s understandable that I might have a little fear of men in my life as well. I can’t get into the particulars just yet, but I realized that my abuse wasn’t a one time event. It was a day in, day out event that left me roaming the halls of my home looking for rapture. And with that I must leave you until Part 2: Rescue and Rehabilitation.
Everlasting Echoes of Truth
I am still in shock about Exodus International closing. One of my students shared his testimony today at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida. It was perfect. No one prepped the crowd. He simply told how he had moved in with his boyfriend. Then Jesus led him to the realization that he couldn’t be both gay and Christian. Something had to give. Jesus won out. There were no audible gasps. No one left the room. When Alan Chambers spoke about the role of the church as Exodus closes, he said that churches are now ready to fill the void. I believe my church, Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida is one of those churches. Are we FULLY ready? No. Are we asking the right questions and pressing in to Jesus? Yes. I spent 20 minutes talking to my pastor’s wife today about Exodus. She wanted to know the what, why and how behind the closing. I gave her a brief synopsis. Then as if cued by the Holy Spirit, she began to quote some of the same ideas and realizations about the situation that God had revealed to me. No organization can step up and do the work the church needs to do and that includes building relationships with the wounded and shepherding them in their walk with Jesus. Then the pastor’s wife asked me a question I could not answer. I know that as a church and a ministry we will one day do our best to answer it together.
“How do we as a church, communicate the love of Jesus Christ to the gay community while still sharing the truth of God’s word concerning the sin of homosexuality?”
We can’t occupy either of the two extremes: all love and hyper-grace or supreme condemnation and fear. There must be balance in our approach, leaving the one size fits all mentality to K-Mart Moo-moos and Cooking Aprons.
I got so mad at Alan Chambers that my judgment was clouded. I didn’t understand. I still don’t. HONESTY ALERT!!! My reaction to the closure of Exodus meant that I had placed my faith and trust in an organization. Exodus had become somewhat of an idol to me. I was angry that there was chaos where there had once been peace. That is when the conviction of the Holy Spirit came in. “God is where you place your faith and trust.” With Exodus gone, I could focus my eyes back on God.
When I calmed, I was reassured in a text from Alan that no matter what we are still friends. Yes, that is right. Alan Chambers is my friend. He gave me my first job in this ministry. He hired me as the Emcee for the 2002 Exodus Freedom Conference. Alan has introduced me to several young men that I have mentored over the years. He has given me advice. We’ve shared more than one lunch at the Cracker Barrel near the office. Alan Chambers has been a hero in my life.
I think of other names around Exodus when I began my walk out of homosexuality. John Paulk and John Smid. John Paulk co-authored the book, “Love Won Out”. He recently came out apologizing for his work with Exodus. It didn’t phase me. Here’s why. John Paulk spoke of freedom from homosexuality and Jesus at a time when I needed to hear it most. Just because he doesn’t believe it any more, doesn’t mean that the truth of God’s word about homosexuality is any less true.
John Smid mentored me at a time when I needed guidance and the viewpoint from a wiser man in this walk. He instilled in me the excitement of a life surrendered to Jesus. Both these guys have recanted most of the statements they made over the last decade, concerning Exodus ministry, but it was too late for me to be swayed by the new “gospel” they’re preaching. They had already led me to the only gospel that ever mattered; the message of Jesus Christ.
My friends, the bible says that if possible in the last days, even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived. Before you point fingers at any of the men above, go take a look in the mirror. You could very well be next. satan is alive and well. He can tempt and deceive any of us. Don’t single out heroes that have fallen, but instead pray for them. Pray for yourself that you don’t fall victim to the schemes of the enemy. 1 Peter 5:8 says it best, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
Ultimately, it’s the message of the bible, not any ministry that is to shape and guide our lives. Do I believe you can be gay and Christian? I’ll let another one of my heroes, Joe Dallas, answer that question with a scripture he quoted. Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Obedience in EVERY area of our lives is the key. Obedience- doing what the bible says is right, even when our heart, hormones and friends try to steer us off course. The bible is not the menu at Burger King. You can’t “have it your way”. A life in Christ is all or nothing.
The Death of Exodus
As you may or may not have heard by now, an amazing ministry that has meant the world to many, Exodus International, is shutting it’s doors. It seems to have been a long time coming. But just because you know grandma is dying, doesn’t mean you’re less sad when she goes. I have attended the annual Exodus Freedom conference every year since 2002. I missed one year to run with the Bulls in Pamplona. Otherwise, the conferences have been the only staple in my life, other than gas and Shamu.
So here I am, sitting at my last breakfast on my last day of the last Exodus International Freedom Conference. My heart is sad, but my mind is abuzz with how to help this community next. As the world celebrates the demise of my “old friend”, standing over her lifeless corpse still holding the bloody knife they used to kill her, I know she will rise again.
I was full of piss and vinegar for the first couple of days of this conference. When I get that way, I practice very little control over my mouth. It’s a flaw that I can’t afford as a Christian. You see, even though I have gotten a huge amount of freedom from my sexual desires, White, Hot Anger is still a toxin that grips my heart and flows in my veins. What sparked my anger? I’ve heard general apologies to the media for things I did not do. I’ve heard wounded people speak gruesome, life-altering declarations out of broken places, where sound doctrines have been replaced with emotional regrets. I’ve heard that “Gay and Christian can coexist” communicated from a platform that used to preach healing to the broken. Many years ago the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and told me I had to choose between Gay and Christian. In my heart, I knew that God was not an option. God didn’t leave me there, but provided a way for me to walk away from my homosexuality. I had to choose to walk that out daily. Every day of every year since I heard His declaration. I had to choose to walk as God led.
Alan Chambers is my friend. He has been for years. I don’t pretend to understand everything he does. He doesn’t pretend to understand my stuff either. In 2001, after my first Exodus conference, Alan Chambers offered me my first job in ministry as the Emcee for the 2002 Conference. It is Alan Chambers who trusts me with people who call the office looking for a mentor. Alan Chambers has led this organization beautifully for years. Alan Chambers is indeed my friend. I would have never chosen for Exodus to close this way. I would have chosen celebration in place of somber. Yet, it is not up to me. It was up to Alan and his board and ultimately up to God. God is not any more surprised by this, than you should be surprised that K-mart smells like the 70’s.
Freedom from homosexuality comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. That message will escape the ruins of this “burning building.” It is a message of hope and freedom in a world of ever increasing bondage. It is not God’s will that any man should perish. It is His will that every man should get to know Jesus and have everlasting life.
My time and my friends here will be missed. I won’t mourn what could have been, one second longer than I should. The people that hate us are the ones who need to hear the message of the gospel most. We owe it to them to reevaluate our Christian walks. I would beg you, regardless of your struggle, to realize that your life is the only bible some people may read. If you call yourself a Christian, then surrender your life to God daily and live according to His word. If your “Christian” walk is a tailored mixture of select scripture and personal convictions tainted with human emotion, please call yourself something else. Stop muddying the gospel to people who need the good medicine of the Word to treat their disease of sin. Don’t circumvent another person’s relationship with Jesus, because yours isn’t working. A lost and dying world deserves firsthand, unpolluted knowledge of Jesus’ healing power, because it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that has power; power to change, power to free people and freedom from the bondage that holds us fast.
The world has not seen the last of the message of Exodus, because at its core it is the message of the gospel. We’ve all lost our way. We all need a savior. Let the games begin.
Porn and Ice Cream
I have treated God like a cosmic “cash machine” most of my life. Over the past few months I have been encouraged to begin to thank God and worship Him in ways that I never have. It’s been a real challenge to pray out of reverence and worship to God, instead of standing before Him presenting my list of demands and then scampering off like a woodland sprite, to go about my day. I ask a lot of God. The bible even says that we should ask things of God and make requests. Understanding more about God is helping me to change my daily prayers. It was difficult at first. I would pray and begin to thank God for what he had done in my life. I thanked Him for everything that He had done or was doing, but rarely did I ever take time to thank Him for just being His awesome, amazing, creator type self. I never struggle with something to say, yet I was stumped when I tried to honor God in my prayers. I would pray for 30 seconds and my mind would go blank; a thousand other thoughts would come to the forefront of my mind. It was horrible. I felt like the worst Christian ever. I wondered- ‘if God had never done anything for me, would I still honor Him or just stop speaking to Him at all?’ So this morning, frustrated and desperately aware that I needed to worship and honor my God for who He is, I sat down with my journal and I began to write. It was difficult at first. My thoughts were racing. ‘Is one page enough?’ ‘If I write two pages, that seems like a waste of journal space and my time?’ ‘I only have a few more thoughts, should I “waste” an entire page for one sentence?’ I was acutely aware that one of the reasons I failed to acknowledge God for who He was, was that at some point in time I had relegated him to a small, programmed portion of my day. WOW! As a Christian who professes to love Jesus, I found that personally shaming. God is supposed to be my ‘everything’. Jesus gave up His very life so that I could choose if I wanted to include Him in mine. Or not. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I want to share what I wrote to my God this morning. I would also love to hear your prayers of worship if you have them. This is an area that I will never stop growing in and I need to know how others do it. I fall so short of honoring my God for who He is.
My prayer- God you have orchestrated a major change in my life. You are all powerful. You are awesome God. I am nothing, but a big, ball of schemes without you. I trust you Lord. Let your heart be known in my life. You led my father to you Lord. You called to him and changed his life, thus altering mine. Thank you Lord. You are God. Incomprehensible. Unfathomable. You deserve our full attention. I want to learn to love you as much as I loved porn or ice cream. I don't want to love your creation more than I love you God. I want to love and appreciate you. Reveal yourself to me. You provide, you create, you reveal. You do these things, because you love us. Out of your infinite love and knowledge you orchestrate our lives. Nothing is beyond your grasp or your site or your ability to prevent. You are God and I am not. You are God.
Thank you for the deliverance of the gay community. God, thank you. I can’t imagine how big You really are. Thank you for making earth and for letting me be a part of it. You’re awesome. You’re the only one that is. Father, You’re amazing. You have life-giving hands. You provide all our needs even as we fight against You. I don’t have that many days left in the grand scheme of things. You are the author of those days. Thank You father. You deliver me, daily. No other deserves my reference. Jesus I cry when I get a cut or a scratch. You suffered immeasurable pain for me. There is nothing I will ever do to deserve what You did for me. I can never repay you. I can never accomplish anything greater. I can never love You to the degree that You loved me. “While we were yet sinners”, You died for us. You prepared a walking path to heaven that some of us will never take. Holy Spirit, thank You for comfort on cold nights. Lonely nights. Nights of debate. Thank You for protection in the silent hours of the night when I am defenseless against the enemy and the world. Holy Spirit, thank You for Your resurrection power that brought Jesus back to life. Lord in Your presence I am protected and healed and led into a holy place.
Thank You for Your holy fire that burns away every aspect of sin and every manifestation of brokenness in my life. Forgive me for doubting. I want to know more about You Lord. I love You Lord. Not for what You do and did but for who You are. You are the ultimate painter, sculptor, builder, creator, father, architect, brother, lover, companion, disciplinarian, etc. . It’s You I want and seek when I look for fulfillment in everything else. Lord help me worship You better, more, longer and more unashamedly. I have lived according to the norms of this world far too long. You are my God. I am so tiny in reference to You. You could crush me, but You are patient and loving, even when I use my hurt and disappointment as a shield against You. Thank You father for a great body of believers that surround me. I envision You standing there holding the universe in your hands, yet holding my life carefully as well. Jesus there are no words to say thank you enough so I will do my best to say it with my life.
I will not be silent or ashamed or afraid of this world. Thank you Jesus for your life lived in service to others. A perfect life. A perfect example. You are my brother who laid down his life for me. You did it all even as you knew I’d live a life of rebellion. Father God, thank You for Your role in all of our lives. We have no idea how awesome You are, or our lives would reflect it. God it was Your divine hand that protected me in my wild days. It is Your divine hand that still protects, loves and guides. I love my parents simply, because that’s what I grew to know. They fought for me at all costs. It wasn’t hard to love them in the end. We had a history together that showed me that I could trust them, even in their imperfect ways. How much more should I learn to love You God?
God, You are perfect. I’ve learned that even when I thought I couldn’t trust You, it was I who was wrong. Our history together shows me You can be trusted, but I don’t want to simply trust You. I want to love You, respect You, honor You and surrender to You. I am nothing Lord without You. I want to know Your love infinitely more than I do right now. I am tired of living as a stranger in Your mansion catching only glimpses of You ever so often as I wander the halls. You are my Father. I want to know You as such. I want to love You for who You are, not for anything You’ve done for me. My understanding of You is severely limited by the fears that have grown out of my history on this broken planet. Give me greater vision Lord as only You can do. You are worthy Lord of our reverence and respect. Thank You Father God. There are not enough words Lord to express my gratitude. I can’t comprehend or imagine what a day in my life looks like through Your eyes. You are awesome! Thank You Lord. --Amen
Divine Design or Secular Opinion.
As I pondered the events of yesterday's equality debates, I remembered my personal history with the gay marriage debate. In 1995 I was planning a commitment ceremony of my own with my partner. Gay marriage at that point was a rarity. My father was the only voice of Christian reason at that point. He counseled me not to go through with the ceremony as it wasn't in God's plan for me. At that very moment and for subsequent years after, I hated my father and labelled him ignorant. I couldn't see his point of view. It didn't make sense to me, because I was immersed and literally encapsulated in my sin. Years later, I applaud my father for having the guts to represent Jesus to me, while everyone else represented "love" and acceptance, thus signing my spiritual death certificate. The scripture that comes to mind is "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Proverbs 27:5, 6 NIV)As I see the red equals sign of solidarity go up all over Facebook, I am shocked by some people and not surprised by others. It saddens me for many reasons. I understand the pull of homosexuality all too well. I understand how it can seem genetic, because we've been conditioned as young boys by a society tainted with gay ideals. They force the ideal that we are to identify those feelings of being different than other boys to mean we are gay. I believe gay men were born sensitive, artistic and creative and then environmental and developmental factors further alienated these boys to take on a gay identity. Proverbs describes the gay life and the belief that it is genetic best. "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12 NIV). First, I want to be like Jesus to my gay community. He identified all forms of sexual expression outside the union of a man and a woman as sin. Jesus offers forgiveness and deliverance of sin. Second I want to be like my dad, who in the face of losing my respect, told me the truth of God's word. I'm not someone who was casually gay. I'm not in denial. I'm not wracked with self hatred. I have been delivered from homosexuality and its many promises of "freedom". I know the truth now. I knew it all along. It just took me a while to act. I know that gay marriage is more of a gateway to bondage than a gateway to freedom and equality. I can't "love" my gay friends like the rest of the world, because I have experienced the pitfalls that kind of "freedom" brings. I believe in equality for all people, but I won't stand by preserving my popularity,while good people stumble into satan's trap. "The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble. (Proverbs 4:18, 19 NIV). I have to stand before God and account for my action or inaction. You don't get in the water and console a drowning victim until they perish, so as not to offend them by saying they can't swim. You perform a rescue. There are people in the gay community in need of prayer and rescue, not mind boggling, sin enabling "love". And remember Christians, know your enemy. It's satan. Not the gay community.
Porn Star Eviction
On January 1st I published a blog called “Risky Business”. I shared MY 35 year pornography addiction. It’s two months later and things are going well. Is my addiction gone? Am I temptation free? Well…it’s complicated. As long as I am alive I will struggle with something. Pride and Anger have yet to ride off into the distance of my emotional landscape. I have enjoyed a couple months of freedom from pornography and masturbation. My addiction has been surrendered to Christ, but satan still tempts me with aspects of SSA that have very little to do with sex and more to do with satan attacking the very foundation of masculinity in my life. My saving grace has been consistent, daily bible reading and prayer. Yeah, who knew? Long gone are the sad pitiful “end of the day”, after you brush your teeth, right before you fall asleep “devotions” of my past. This was time set aside specifically for God. After all, some days I gave porn 4-6 hours. Why not give God a few moments in my day. Every bible teacher, mentor and Christian friend I have ever known has told me to read the word. I heard them, but I never HEARD them. I began to see my need to for daily interactions with God’s word. I would never miss a physical meal, yet my spiritual man was starved and frail from lack of nourishment. God finally allowed me to experience the weight of my sin.
Matthew 5:28 “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Cue the ‘punch to the gut’. This verse haunted me. I left homosexuality behind 13 years ago. Exactly 3 years more than I lived as a gay man. Yet, every time I masturbated to pornographic images, I had committed adultery in God’s eyes. I could be okay with that and call myself a Christian. The world says that pornography hurts no one. I don’t live according to popular opinion. My God calls it adultery. Therefore, we had a problem. I shared my problem to bring my own darkness into the light. It was an act of obedience to God rather than a confession.com moment.
Hebrews 4:13 “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
Psalm 32:3 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
After writing Risky Business, something broke in my spirit. That level of confession catapulted me to a new level in my Christian walk. I didn’t care who read my words. God is responsible for my promotion and livelihood, not man. I needed to be the kind of pastor that stands before my students and my enemies honest, open and blameless, willing to admit my struggles, before they become everyone else’s stumbling block.
Are you stuck in a downward spiral my friend? No matter your sexuality, do you live a secret life in porn? Jesus can indeed break your chains and bring peace and freedom to areas of your life that seem hopeless. The bible says that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. I believe that has dual meanings. If you are a Christian living under constant condemnation from the enemy, free yourself today. Confess your faults to a pastor, a Christian counselor or a Christian friend. Don’t let the enemy steal one more moment of the life that God designed for you and Him.