One Amazing Week...
This has been an amazing week for ministry. I had a long lunch with a college psychology professor from a local college. She heard about my testimony from a mutual friend and wanted to pick my brain. She teaches a class on Developmental Psych and has invited me to share about the development of homosexuality and sexual brokenness in my life. Door number one God.
Two days later I connected with a Christian counselor who is counseling a girl with a lesbian struggle. For some amazing reason, throughout the conversation, I caught myself referencing key, spiritual pieces of advice that my father had given me. It moved me to tears. This was evidence of healing in my heart and a cleansing of a mind that had been poisoned to all things Jack Walker. I never dreamed, hoped or even wanted to reference my relationship with my father, let alone pass on his advice, when I was a young man. In my most rebellious days when I was trying to put God far out of my mind, the mere mention of my father was the last thing on my list. Praise God that much of the advice my dad was giving out was permeatin’ my thick skull.
I had conversations with two other guys who are struggling with gay desires as well. These guys are both at different, but elementary, stages of walking away from homosexuality.
Through every conversation, I got a reassurance from the Holy Spirit of how homosexual desires form in so many people’s lives. Every story, every confession further destroys the lie that anyone is born gay. satan, the enemy of our souls, has no new tricks. He uses the same, old tired story to convince boys who are born artistic, sensitive and creative that they were born gay. I am so thankful that the truth of God’s word and the evidence of my own broken life bore witness to the fact that my same sex attractions developed over time, instead of simply being an integral part of my DNA. Of course, everyone’s DNA is tainted with sin. Always will be as long as we are born on this earth.
The toughest part of my week was over in a few minutes, but left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I was preached to and patronized by a well meaning, yet pushy Christian, that reminded me of why I wasn’t very receptive to the message of the gospel for so long. They may have been bringing me water in the desert, but their methods were about as efficient as using a meat grinder to polish a diamond, tennis bracelet. He came at me, snarly and preachy and I responded the same way I used to respond to Christians before who had “my best interest” at heart. Isn’t that just like the enemy to find a weak spot and exploit it with a fellow Christian in the fight.
My frown got turned upside down at some point in the fray when I was interviewed by two, German film students for research they are doing for a film they are co-directing about the Ex-gay movement. They informed me that it was birthed in the United States, a fact I feel like I should have known. It was a little rough at times. I am pretty sure the two weren’t Christians and the girl seemed to be listening, but waiting for a small, bit of exposed throat so she could go in for the kill. I stayed true to myself and the mission God has given me though. The interview took a bit of a strange turn when I told her that my time in the gay world had been amazing. At that point her mouth dropped open and her face contorted in disbelief, similar to the way a person’s face looks when they are about to pass a kidney stone. I spent a few moments explaining my statement to her. I didn’t want her to take that statement and build a case off of it. In the end, she and her silent partner Jakub thanked me for being personal and informative; a little less polished and coiffed like the sound bites in the suits she had talked to before.
All in all it was one amazing week. God chose to daily wake me up with revelation or a wave of emotion that can best be described as the Holy Spirit chills. I don’t want to be that Christian who tells people what they should believe. I don’t want to give the gay community any more reason than they already have to separate from society and form safe havens of their own. I do want to lovingly be a voice of the truth as long as I am alive. I want to answer questions honestly and be a gentle spirit to those in need. God give me strength and wisdom to do exactly that. And give the men and women who need to hear a message of salvation a heart to hear of the same Jesus that set me free so many years ago and continues to set me free on a daily, if not minute by minute basis. Thanks to both of my Dads for the way my life has turned out.
His Royal Highness Speaks
Burger King recently entered the race for LGBT cash flow with the introduction of the "Proud Whopper" and a somewhat modified, if not confusing slogan. The burger was welcomed with much LGBT fanfare and on the street interviews of "random" folks. The news media wanted to know what people thought of Burger King's newest/oldest sandwich. I saw a few interviews of people who absolutely loved it and thought it was amazing. Then there was one poor guy who was simply stating that he thought it wasn't a good thing, because of his religious beliefs. Suddenly the burger became less of the attraction while the ever so "tolerant" masses of the gay community, vilified the gentleman for having an opinion that was different than theirs. (Anyone else starting to notice that the “Tolerance” and “No Hate” is always what the gay community preaches, but seldom what they practice?)
Never been a Burger King fan myself. My fast food burger of choice was always McDonald's. When I saw that Burger King had decided to sell a burger wrapped in a rainbow flag, I wasn't phased. They can paint themselves as altruistic as they want to be, but at the end of the day, it's simply another ploy by another corporation to gain a little more of the cash flow from the media's, favorite flavor of the month, the LGBT community. We’ve grown to expect LGBT themed products from any company that sees green when everyone else is seeing a rainbow. If all things LGBT weren't the “cash cow” that they are, they'd be lucky to get an honorable mention on a disposable napkin from our Royal Highness of Beefdom. When was the last time you saw an advertisement for 'Compassion International' or 'Feed the Children' on a Fast Food anything?
The surprise to some was that this "new" whopper was not in fact new. It was the same tired old sandwich that has been going against the Quarter Pounder for years. You might not have known that until you opened up the wrapper and found the following feel good slogan emblazoned across a makeshift rainbow flag; "We Are All The Same Inside". It was a slogan of biblical proportions. This is a true statement my friend. We are all the same inside, because everyone of us is born into sin. Romans 3:23 Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Now I am not blind. I know that BK wasn't using their wrapper to promote a thinly veiled message of the gospel. Just like the LGBT community has maligned the Rainbow, these words have also been twisted to preach tolerance and acceptance of sin. As inclusive as the message of “We are all the same inside” sounds, it doesn’t bear weight. If it is true, then Christ died for no reason at all and sin is inconsequential. Matthew 7:15-16 says “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.”
There are those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and are living a life accordingly. The evidence of Jesus in their life is the good fruit that we can all see. Then there are those people who simply refuse to acknowledge God at all. Still yet, there are those who live spiritual lives, according to select Holy Scriptures and serve a “Jesus” that looks very different than the one of the Bible. These three are similar in that they all need Jesus, but they look very different on the inside. Matthew 7:21 addresses the folks who say that we are all the same on the inside directly. “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.’
Accompanying the Proud Whopper is a new slogan as well, “Be Your Way.” John Crudele of the New York Post captures my thoughts best. John has this to say, “I’d still like to know what “Be Your Way” has to do with selling cooked meat. In fact, I’d like to know what “Be Your Way” has to do with anything.” I would like to know, too, John, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is simply another way for ole BK to align themselves further with a world steeped in sin. “Be Your Way”, besides sounding ridiculous, flies in the face of how Jesus tells us to live our lives. Matthew 16:24 “…Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. “ That’s the antithesis of “Be Your Way”.
That nagging feeling you get when you break free from the path that God has designed for you, is the gentle conviction of the Holy Spirit. If you have never asked Jesus to be your savior or you are a gay man who started a journey out of homosexuality only to be seduced back into a life of sin by the false doctrine of Gay Christianity, God is ready and waiting for you. God loves you, but without the spirit of the Living God living in your heart, you are destined spend eternity separated from God. The overriding influence in your life should be JESUS, not LGBT. Turn from your sin, pursue God with your whole heart and the change that I myself have experienced, will come.
A Christian, a transgender and a redneck walk into a church.
Over the past few years the influence of the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN) has become quite prolific, in our culture and in the church. You might be asking, “What is the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN)?”
Here is a description of the GCN from their website-
“Founded in 2001, the Gay Christian Network (GCN) is a nonprofit Christian ministry dedicated to building bridges and offering support for those caught in the crossfire of one of today’s most divisive culture wars.
Our membership includes both those on Side A (supporting same-sex marriage and relationships) and on Side B (promoting celibacy for Christians with same-sex attractions). What began as an organization to provide support to LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender)...”
We live in a culture of convenience. We have reinterpreted the old saying, “Don’t take no for an answer”. No one is going to deny us what we want. We thumb our noses at God when it comes to the our Christian lives, but often in the most “polite” ways. We expect everything and everyone, including God, to realize the world revolves around us. I say, you can put lipstick on a Pig or Frosting on a turd, but all you have is a Pig with lipstick on it and…you get the picture. God isn’t having it. A life in Christ, is a life of submission to his will, not His to ours.
I was a gay “Christian” when being a gay “Christian” wasn’t cool. Let me explain why I became a gay “Chrisitian”. After I came out, the first guy that God brought my way was a Canadian, Baptist minister’s son. Yes, I said “God brought my way.” Hold up, put down your torches and pitchforks, LISTEN. On our first date, he told me that he grew up Christian, but early on he knew that he was gay. He told me that he knew he couldn’t be both and that homosexuality wasn’t a choice, and Christianity was, so he chose gay. It was 1993. I wasn’t living for God, but I heard the Holy Spirit, plain as day tell me “You can’t make that same choice.” Hear this my friends; I was a gay man, on a date with a guy and the Holy Spirit still spoke to me. God has never told anyone that it’s okay to be gay, but he has always and will always perform rescue missions to men and women trapped in the gay life. God still speaks wisdom to the lost, the found, gay, straight, transgendered and rednecks.
Gay “Christianity” was my attempt to make sense of my same sex attractions and my Christian walk. I would never stop being a Christian, but I didn’t know how to stop being gay. I got it way wrong for way too long. However, God used the “tiny window” I gave Him and my Christian upbringing, to allow Jesus Christ to build a kingdom in my heart. That led me out of gay “Christianity” and into true and authentic, biblical fellowship with Jesus. As a gay “Christian” Jesus was a protective accessory I “wore” to keep the bible thumpers at bay. As a Christian, Jesus became something real; my friend, and savior. He was living inside my heart, not serving as a superficial adornment.
Thank God I didn’t have more intelligence than sense. That would have led me down a path of reinterpreting scriptures to rationalize my sin, rather than leading me to place my sin under the authority of scripture. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Justin Lee and gay “Christians” aren’t the enemy. They are simply hurting people who have have found ways not to hurt anymore.
I share the following links to help bring awareness to the battle that is going on behind the scenes. Satan uses people, places and things to do his work. He always has a substitute for God’s plan. I am disheartened by the seductive and cunning teachings of the GCN. Many friends have succumbed to its deception. The links lead to two essays on the GCN webpage that reinterpret scripture to condone and normalize homosexuality.
Isaiah 55:11 says, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” My friend Sy Rogers has called the gay Church, “the church of the revolving door”. Many people go in, some meet Jesus, then they leave the church. I place hope in this scripture and that statement.
I found a wonderful piece on reinterpreting scripture on the “Let Us Reason Ministry” website.
Let Us Reason Ministry- http://www.letusreason.org/Biblexp117.htm
Here it is: “Deuteronomy 4:2 “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take anything from it”
Deuteronomy 12:32 “See that you do all I command you; do not add to it or take away from it.”
“Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.” Proverbs 30:6
In our day there is the belief in “progressive revelation” that originates from outside the Word. What right does anyone have to teach what is not in Scripture as if it is Scripture? False teachers do not want to submit to its original intent, so they do not seek what Scripture actually (exegesis) means, instead, they conform it to what they want it to mean (isogesis). They will look to another source as their authority because they are not under God’s authority. This is why Paul admonishes us in 1 Corinthians 4:6: “not to think beyond what is written” (exceed or go past).
The reason God is so adamant on this is because “The entirety of Your word is truth” Psalms 119: 160.
Proverbs 30:5 “Every word of God is pure; he is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.”
If we look at the context it [is] saying “Every word of God.” God is stating for MAN not to add to his words. Adding does not only mean additional words, but can also mean changing them to mean what they do not. When you add new words as equal to Scripture you are really taking away from Scripture.” The end.
Well said. In 1998, Jesus Christ delivered me from the amorphous, false religion of gay “Christianity”. The Holy Spirit showed me that it was His job, not mine, to interpret scripture. My only job was to willingly and consistently, surrender my will to God’s authority.
Chances are, if the gospel you are patterning your life after is not challenging you to move, change and grow, then it is probably not “The Gospel” at all. May God richly bless you on your journey out of homosexuality or the sin that holds you fast. May you accept the sacrifice of Jesus Christ as payment for and deliverance from your sin. May the Holy Spirit be the only one you let interpret scripture. This is the hardest fight of my life, but I must deny myself daily and take up my cross and follow Christ. The world is pushing you to hit the “Like” button on their sin. Refuse to listen to any voice, except the Voice of the Father.
By sharing the first link, I invite you to see how “correct” the GCN statement of faith appears. It looks good on paper, but if they truly “affirm that the Bible is Holy Scripture, divinely inspired and authoritative, and not merely a human work.” then how can they endorse any aspect of sexual sin? -- https://www.gaychristian.net/statementoffaith.php
The following link will lead you to a set of essays written about two sides of Gay Christianity. They are long, but I believe we all have a “horse in this race”. We owe it to the deceived to read and gain an understanding of what we are up against. Satan has studied every aspect of truth and teaching that the Ex-gay and Christian community has in regards to the roots and causes of homosexuality. he has covered all of his bases and he has an excellent PR team. (And according to their website, he is still hiring.) You owe it to yourself to spend some time understanding your adversary. 1 Peter 5:8 says it simply. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
The Essays: Two sides of the gay “Christian” debate- https://www.gaychristian.net/greatdebate.php
My Father: Hero. Visionary. Gateway to Heaven
I stumbled upon a story about a Southern Baptist Pastor who changed his views on homosexuality. The title said that he changed his views on homosexuality, because his son came out, but when you read the article this wasn't the case. What? The Huffington Post printed something deceptive and incorrect? NEVER! More like ALWAYS. Anyway, here is an excerpt from a letter that the Pastor wrote that was included in the article, which can be found by visiting the following link.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/02/baptist-church-pastor-gay-son_n_5432880.html?utm_hp_ref=tw
"...I recently became gay affirming after a 15-year journey of having multiple people in my congregation come out to me every year. I scoured through your whole website and read everything I could. And it was especially the testimony of my gay friends that helped me to see how they have been marginalized that my eyes became open to the injustice that the church has wrought."
My heart sank twice while reading just that small portion of his letter. You see, 15 or so years ago I walked away from homosexuality. I walked away, because I had a father that never gave up on me. He never stopped praying. He never stopped believing. He never stopped loving me. He also never let his love for me cloud his vision of the truth that is written in God's word. I thank God that my father never accepted my declaration that I was gay. I thank God that instead of compromising the truth of God's word, he proclaimed that truth over me. In my opinion this father has shirked his responsibility to lead and guide his son. I see it as one more person who has exchanged the truth of God for a lie. My father was able to balance his love for me and the truth of the gospel in his relationship with me. If my father had not led the way in truth, but rather agreed with me in my sin, then my life would be dramatically different.
I one hundred and fifty percent agree that the gay community has been marginalized by the church. I was among the marginalized. I agree that the church needs to be a place where the LGBT community can come and hear the truth about Jesus without the fear of condemnation. But the way to right the wrongs of the past is to ask for forgiveness and a retelling of the truth, not to go overboard and change scripture to sweeten the apology. The truth is that some churches and some pastors have marginalized many different people groups at one point or another. Does that suddenly mean that adultery is okay, that gossip is just a great way to communicate and drug and alcohol abuse are simply a great way to unwind after a tough day at the office. No. The word of God is pretty clear on setting aside certain behaviors as sin and certain behaviors as acceptable. The greatest demise that satan has ever crafted is working to normalize homosexuality and set it apart from other sins in the bible.
God is not the one Who changed His mind about homosexuality. It’s the world that changed God’s word about homosexuality.
I am reminded of scriptures. "But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God's curse! Galatians 1:8" and "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26. I think it is great to extend compassion and love to the LGBT community, but declassifying homosexuality as sin only serves to lead them further down the path of destruction. I thank God that my father did not make a decision like this pastor.
The way I minister to the gay community has changed over the years. I have softened a little on my approach, but I have not compromised the truth of the gospel that led me to repentance and ultimately into the healing presence of God. I have not doubt that this man is deceived. I have no doubt that his church will self-destruct as they veer off the path of truth. We often do a lot when we take our eyes off of God and focus them on human emotion and turmoil. We are given the example of Peter as he walked on the water towards Christ. While his focus was on the master he stayed above the turmoil of the waves. When he focused elsewhere, he sank into the tumultuous Ocean.
If you are a pastor reading this post, please hear about my 15 year journey that turned out very different than the pastor above. I have not been the perfect Christian these past 15 years, but God has been the perfect God. Not every person I have ministered to or shared my story of freedom from homosexuality has said Yes to God. That has not diminished the truth of the word, the triumph of Christ or the fact that God called me out of homosexuality. It has also not changed the message of the gospel, because that gospel has the power to change my heart, my direction and save my life from sin of all kinds. God called me out of homosexuality to call others out, not to hold them in a deceptive embrace while simultaneously helping them dig their own grave.
Your Advice? No Thank You!
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Before we go any further I have to make a disclaimer. I am about to tell you about a harrowing experience that I had today. I don’t need any advice or recommendations. I don’t want to know how you do it or how you would have done it better. This is absolutely one area of life and growth that I am not willing to budge. You’re intrigued now, aren’t you? I must also say that I don’t need your formula or recipes for success in this matter. I am happy to languish in the decadence of my “depravity” when it comes to this particular area of my life. So now that I have said it and you are firmly back beyond the fences of trying to better me with your words and sentiment I can tell you my personal story of woe.
Never again will I be swayed by the following phrase, “Well it is her birthday.” Today my friends, yes this very day, Matthew Aaron Walker found himself staring “straight down the barrel” of a menu…at a vegan restaurant. It was horrific and more harrowing than when I climbed over the fence to recover the dodgeball in the 5th grade and ripped my pants and my left butt cheek on the chain link.
Travel back with me in time. 8 years ago I ate a Vegan hotdog once that I bought from a street vendor in downtown Orlando. His cart looked just like all the rest. There were no warning labels. The food was the same color as all the other hot dog accouterments I had seen before. Halfway through making the hot dog, the guy told me that he had always dreamed of running a business modeled after his beliefs and convictions. It was then that I noticed that the guy looked a bit hippy-ish, wasn’t very well groomed or showered and thought, “You opened up a hot dog stand that would represent the worst parts of the 60’s and Junior High?” Then he said those heart wrenching words that ever red blooded American carnivore loathes to hear.
“IMA VEGGGAAAAANNNNN!”
I heard it drop off his lips and hit my ears like he was telling me I had just won a year's supply of Organic Cow Manure. At that moment I remember my stomach shrinking to the size of small, domestic coin and my tongue going all Mojave Desert on me. The guy must have seen the disappointment on my face, because he apologized that I didn’t know and offered to give me my money back, but in a moment of what can only be measured as blind compassion, I said,
“No. It’s fine. I’ll try it.”
The man’s face brightened and he continued ladling all manner of meatless, tasteless, yet colorful things onto a bun that was two molecules away from straight up cardboard. I walked away holding my False Dog and a sense of adventure that was about to nosedive into Lake Eola with my first bite. You must know that I ate the entire thing. I did. I can’t remember what it tasted like. I can tell you what it didn’t taste like. I promised myself that this would NEVER, EVER happen to ole Mattiewalk again. Did I say NEVER, EVER?
Fast forward to 2014. Here I am, at “No Meat Town” and I find myself ordering from a selection of things like Chickun, Tofurkey and Seitan. SEITAN? That just proves that Veganism is straight outta the pit of Hell. Any dish that includes “Seitan”, prounounced SATAN, as one of the key ingredients is a dead giveaway. Of the many “beverages” available to cleanse my palate were things like Chocolate Soy Milk and Plain Almond Milk. Two questions arise: one, how in the heck do you milk an almond and two HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLAIN ALMOND MILK? A better question would be “Have you ever licked a foot?” (Wrong audience to be asking that to, anyway, I digress.) My point, and there is one, is that I was looking at this menu a little frightened and a little less open minded than I thought I would be, but open to try something new. By the end of the meal, I was full, but my taste buds were no more fooled than that one night when my driving hunger led me to eat a Dirty, Hippy HotDog on Orange Avenue.
I learned a lot today. I will give the “Plant Pasta Land” another try for sure, but the main thing I came away with though is the lesson for the blogosphere for today.
The restaurant I went to looked like any other restaurant. The food looked similar to food I had eaten all my life, with subtle differences here and there. There was a concerted effort to make the meat substitutes look and taste like familiar things I eat every day. As I read about things like Chickun and “burger” patties, I realized that satan, the enemy of our souls does the same things with our spiritual walk. He takes things that we have seen and done forever and puts a casual spin on them; a subtle nuance here and there that leads us just a footstep or two off the path at a time. Just like my experience with the “Hotdog”, we agree to try this new path, after all, it can’t be that bad. Before too long, our decisions have taken us farther off the path than we thought we’d ever go. The first time I tried vegan, my intense hunger led me to try something I had never tried before. Oftentimes, when we have a hunger and drive for love or connection, we are led to do things we might never do if we were fulfilled and satisfied with our lives. The bible says that a man who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even that which is bitter tastes sweet.
I see the same trend happening with gay “christianity” that paved the way for other false religions like Mormonism and Jehovah’s Witnesses and other well known mainstream religions that have people so steeped in dogma and religious routine that they are convinced they are on the right path. Every life altering mistake starts with small steps in the wrong direction. I had no idea that my trip to a Vegan restaurant would spark a late night blogging session. I do know that God is always afoot.
How do we know what is God’s plan for us and what is satan’s plan disguised as religious work? Well quite frankly the same way I knew that “Chickun” and Chicken are nothing alike; EXPERIENCE! For 35+ years my tastebuds have studied and observed the subtle nuances and texture of all things meat. The same way counterfeit specialists study real money in order to identify the fake I knew that the Seitan that I was eating wasn’t real beef, because of my knowledge of the real thing. If you read God’s word, talk to Jesus daily and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you my friend, then you won’t be fooled by false religion or by your own emotions, because you will have steeped your heart in the Wisdom of the Master. No amount of convincing or enticement on the part of the enemy will get you to trade the false for the Genuine Article.
To gay men and women who might read this article, I have a heart to see Jesus become a reality in your life. I lived a life believing that I was born gay and that there was “no other way”. Then I had an encounter with Jesus, where I traded my old, damaged beliefs for the promises of God.
Christians, if your only interaction with the gay community has involved holding a sign of and not clasping your hands in prayer, you don’t have horse in this race. If you aren’t praying for revival in the gay community, but are instead labeling them the enemy, you’ve missed it. “It’s time to stop believing Google and start believing God.” He says that it is not His will that any man (or woman) should perish. Our brothers and sisters in the gay community are daily sitting down to a meal of substitutes. The real thing is only a prayer away. Before you mention their names in judgment, mention their names to the Father.
Chicken & Egg Debate
Did you ever hear that old adage, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?” It’s one of those questions that poses a couple of different approaches to the same answer. I am seeing gay “christianity” the same way these days. Are we Christians in light of Jesus or Christians in light of our broken sexuality?
Circa 1995, I attended a poetry convention in Washington, D.C. We were broken into small groups and asked to share one poem for a competition that was being held all week. I debated about what to share, but at the end of my deliberations I selected a poem, but it wasn’t my poem, but my self introduction that got everyone’s attention. Yep, as early as 1995, I was introducing myself as a gay “christian”. I finished my poem and sat down. A gay couple who were attending with a young guy they had adopted, introduced themselves to me, because they wanted to know more about being gay and Christian. They didn’t think it was possible. I can’t remember exactly what I told them. But I remember that my statement was more of a political statement than a profession of faith in Jesus Christ.
In the years after my declaration of being both gay and Christian, I tried my best to reconcile the two halves of my life. It never happened. Why? Because gay and Christian weren’t two halves of a life that would one day fit seamlessly together, simply because I worked hard at it. They were two specific, complete and different goals that would not share the throne of my heart. God was not going to share Lordship of my life with any sin; even one that I had rationalized and sanitized to the point of being socially acceptable and self-acceptable.
I understand so clearly why so many people get trapped in a life of gay “christianity”. Those who accept the idea that a person can be gay and Christian are doing so out of compassion and a spirit of treating everyone equal. That is so understandable, but it is also the hook the enemy uses to get us to rationalize and accept sin. The outbreak of gay “christianity” these days is terrifying in light of eternity. I thank God that my journey through gay “christianity” was a place I stopped off on the way to Jesus. I thank God that He showed me the truth about sin of any kind and surrender to Jesus Christ.
For me I think the trouble came when I entered college. I was led down the primrose path to a gay life. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “Wow, being gay would be amazing!” It happened a little at a time. Eventually, a disconnection from my dad fostered by a too close connection with mom and being born a sensitive, artistic and creative child set me up for the world to label me as different. Then my own mind, in trying to find a place to belong and succeed, found a world of other hurting sensitive, artistic and creative men. And they didn’t tease me or reject me, at first. Don’t be fooled though. Any group you belong to will have rules of admission and a “code of conduct” by which you must adhere.
I remember those nights in college when I would pray nightly for God to take my homosexual feelings away. I had always felt different than other guys and that eventually led to me idolizing them. I wasn’t born gay, I was born sensitive, not rough and tumbled like most guys, but I still had a place among their ranks. It was a place that most regular guys would assimilate into easily, but one that I would have to kick, claw and work my butt off to obtain. I think that is where most gay men give up the fight. Instead of trying to be someone they are not, they act like all the other automatons in the gay community, because of their feelings and in the name of not having to fit into a “normal” male mold. At the end of the day, they are still assimilating to a culture.
God never answered my prayer to take away my gay feelings. That is where I got confusing. Instead of reading the bible further and hearing scriptures like God’s grace is sufficient for me and Be still and know that He is God, His silence dictated to me that being gay was okay. My mistake, not His.
There are so many other factors that contribute to men and women believing at their very core that they are born gay. Too many for one blog post, but that’s why I write often. God didn’t take away the feelings, because they were something I had grown in to. God can’t take away that which we refuse to give up. I remember that while I was still very involved in homosexuality that the Holy Spirit would call to me. I would tell God that I wasn’t going to give up on homosexuality, because I didn’t want to have to go through puberty again or relearn everything in the straight world that I had learned in the gay world. I didn’t want to wake up every day and look in the mirror and say, “I am not gay!” in an effort to convince myself. In essence, the enemy was telling me that I was too far-gone and that there was no time to start over. Thank God for a praying father and deep-rooted scripture that held off the death that satan had planned for me.
I think there are two predominant types of gay Christian, that stick out to me. Those that know the truth and suppress it, because they are going to prove to themselves and the world that gay is okay and those that are truly deceived by the likes of Jason Lee and his Gay christian Network.
I think that those who preach gay “christianity” and the media who suppress the truth will have a lot to answer for on judgment day. I also think that a lot of the gay “christian” community are banking on the idea that if they live a life according to the bible they know, that God will have no other choice than to admit them into heaven. I thought the same. When I was planning to marry my long-term partner “800 years” ago, I suggested that we stop having sex a few months before our ceremony so that I was pure before God. I was monogamous with my partner. I was living a good life. On and on my deception went. My entire life was steered off course, because of my broken sexuality. Isn’t a life in Christ supposed to be directed by Him and Him alone. The scripture that jarred me into reality was Romans 14:12 “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” At the end of all “this” I was going to stand before God alone and tell Him the truth of my life. I had to ask myself, “Was I prepared to do that, considering everything I had done?”
I ask you the same question my friend. No matter who you are following today. No matter how many people agree or support your stance on or life in gay “christianity”, what does your heart tell you today? Homosexuality is not in God’s plan for his creation. Do you believe that today? Have you been led astray by the ideology and sentiment of the world? It is never too late to change your mind. As long as you have breath in your lungs, God is still performing rescue missions.
Down Under. Now Up and Over
As is always the case when I travel, share and hang with other Christians who've walked out of homosexuality, I come back refreshed and ready once again to take on the hostile, "tolerant" world we live in. On April 16, I boarded a plane for a 3 day journey to the land down under. My journey took me to some interesting places. Dubai. Malaysia. New York. I was a little apprehensive to travel, after the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight MH 370. But I realized that I traveled 2 weeks after 911 in 2001, so I buckled down and simply did what God told me to do. What was that you ask? Well, He simply said, "Trust". At every leg of my journey where I encountered something tough, the Holy Spirit urged me to trust God. When they couldn't find my ticket, when the flight was late, when I almost missed my connection, when I needed sleep, God showed up to provide. Trusting God wasn't a new exercise for me, but let's just say I could always use practice. While I was on the trip, there were a few times that I was moved to tears. Yeah, yeah, I know what you are thinking, that's like saying Oprah had a Donut or Hilary lied under oath, it happens frequently, but these tears were of a different nature. God was leading me on a different journey than I had ever taken before. In addition to being on a ministry trip in Australia, I was taking an internal journey as well. It was a journey of gratitude. One night while praying, I was contemplating how good God had been to me. In the grand scheme of things, I am just another guy on the planet. I am nothing. I don't say that in a self deprecating way or in a way to garner affirmation from anyone. I say that, because it's biblical and I fully became aware of it over the last year in ministry. Apart from God I am nothing. I am okay with that. Yet over this trip he showered me with love and adoration. He allowed me to be used for ministry in ways that he hasn't before. I published a book in the last few weeks as well. My tears came as a result of these revelations of "Who am I that God should use me this way?" and "I know I don't deserve any of this preferential treatment or a free trip to Australia, but God gifted me anyway." It's honestly hard to put into words, but I walked into a new place while "down under". I found myself humbled and gladly in a place of gratitude and praise for my God, for Jesus, for the leading of the Holy Spirit. I found myself, in tears, because God is a God of restoration and change. God is a God of provision and surprises. All I had to learn to do was trust when I didn't want to. I also had to learn that trust, like forgiveness, is a concept not a one time event.
My journey home started two days ago from a little town called Brisbane. I seriously think they invent new airplane boarding rules daily. It's like the TSA gets bored and they have to come up with new hoops for us to jump through. I jumped when I needed to and let them swab my palms, pants and some other areas when they asked. Heck, I even threw away my newly purchased coke right after they gave me a Business Class upgrade for my 13 hour flight from Dubai to Boston. Healing and transformation is as layered as the pain in our lives. I am still learning of pain that I have sustained despite God's best efforts to rid me of it. I am still learning ways that I have just been, well, kinda dumb. And today I realized that I had a double standard that many gay and ex gay men deal with. I have always said I want to keep on learning each and every day. The problem was that I always considered that learning simply meant new knowledge that one acquires through a class or a teaching. I had kind of closed the door to learning that happens when I made the mistakes that all humans make. My pride takes a hit when that kind of learning rears it's head. Why? One word. Pride. I hated to be corrected as a kid and I haven't grown too fond of it now. In order to move forward and be able to instruct others on the art of admitting your mistakes and moving on, I have to work on that myself. Now the human tendency is to say that I'll just try not to make any mistakes. That's like saying I hope Hollywood is going to make accurate Christian films. I've got to be easier on myself, more trusting of God and ready to learn no matter what "Professor" is teaching the class.
I take the next few steps of my life, with trepidatious baby-steps as I navigate these new waters and incorporate my newly discovered gratitude into my every day. Jesus is the reason I do any of the things I do. He is more important than sharing my story, being right or promoting whatever tidbit of knowledge I have learned. Jesus has never changed, nor will change, it's just our need to be right and never wrong that has changed the perception of Jesus to us and to the lost in the world. I come back now with an even greater desire to share Jesus more than Matthew. To listen to the Holy Spirit more than my own needs and desires. To trust God, because He's God and despite what the reality show of my life projects on the screen of my eyeballs. I left Australia refreshed, with a renew sense of who God is and honestly who I am in Christ. Confident I embarked on a journey and wobbly I return, but new birth always promises a little pain, before great joy is experienced.
I will still share the joyful news that God can deliver men and women from homosexuality, but I'll share Jesus first and foremost, because He is the only one that has the power to change any of us. When I walked out of homosexuality, Jesus met me right where I was at and that was a long, damn way from Him. I thank God that He waited, loved and paved the way for me, when I needed it most.
Fed Up & Weary?
Attention: Apparently due to an unauthorized reposting of a link to this particular blog, the traffic here might get a little heavy. I wanted to say thanks to Clare Flourish for the shout out. Even though her purpose isn't so altruistic, I figure that God is going to use her purpose for His purpose. This isn't one of those gay bashing, I'm a super Christian blogs. This is a blog about real life struggles on the road to deny my homosexual desires, please God and ultimately walk more in God's presence daily. I think she might be trying to point out something that I already pointed out, but if my crazy emotional state somedays due to the crazy state of the world is a point of interest to people, well then, they need more entertainment in their lives. So welcome if you are coming here from Clare's blog. I welcome your comments. Please refrain form foul language, but I usually allow all comments unless they are just downright defaming and have no point. I think this might be what the bible talks about as persecution for Christians who stand for the word. If so, Praise God. I am doing something that has a lasting impact. Welcome, welcome! May God bless you on your journey and may you encounter Him today. I have been finding it really hard to obey God’s word when it comes to one particular scripture. While it is not good, it isn’t one of the big 10 or anything. My trouble is currently with a little call to arms found in Galatians 6:9; “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” I stand before you today as a man who became weary while doing good and lost heart a few weeks ago.
A great deal of the ministry I have to the gay and ex-gay community involves allowing my heart to be available and open to hurting people. Not everyone treats you with the kind of respect you hope or feel like you deserve for the effort you put forth into their lives. I am forever reminded of how people treated Jesus when He came to show them the way. He didn’t really get the red carpet treatment that He deserved. I will be the first person to tell you that I am not perfect. I still make mistakes that hurt people and have to walk that well trod road, paved with apologies all the time.
The success or fail of personal ministry to someone is directly proportional to their desire for God or their sin. When it comes to homosexual sin, a concept about the world in Ecclesiastes, says it best; there is nothing new under the sun. Sin and temptation are almost as old as the foundations of the earth. They may not be new, but they gain new ground as they encounter each new personality type and that person’s unique brand of brokenness. satan has no new tricks.
A few days ago, I shared the story of how homosexuality developed in my life as a boy and how God redeemed and delivered me from my gay life, with a group of 24 people in Melbourne, Australia. In less than 45 minutes, the Holy Spirit opened the eyes of one young man to see that my story was extremely similar to his. I will say it again. satan has no new tricks. He relies on his ability to keep us isolated, bound, bruised, beaten and broken in order to keep us from finding out the truth. That is where my ministry comes into play. My ministry in a sense, is a ministry of sowing doubt. Every time I share that Jesus freed from homosexuality with receptive hearts and ears, I sow a little more doubt into satan’s perfect little cult-like religion of “Born Gay”.
I don’t share my story to bring shame to the world. I share my story, because Jesus is Lord and Savior of my life. Without Jesus in my life, there would be no life. I thank God for my broken sexuality, because without it, I wouldn’t know Jesus as well as I do now. People are always going to be offended by any message that calls out their sin. satan and a few well organized, vocal people have worked overtime building a PR monster that has softened, polished, elevated and separated homosexuality from the rest of the sexual sins in the bible.
Every morning I wake up and see one more victory to normalize homosexuality, I creep a little further down the road from the verse I quoted. I love to share my story of redemption. I don’t love the persecution that comes as a result of sharing. Just today, a well-known Christian singer came out with some very disparaging and completely unbiblical statements about same sex marriage. Every time I read that another Christian leader has caved and set aside the truth of the bible in favor of personal sentiment, it weighs heavy on my heart.
There is no reputable, repeatable evidence that any person is born gay. A great portion of the population has simply formed an opinion based on their emotion and found an open and accepting media to be the ideal platform for launching this “doctrine of demise” into the world. “Gay Christianity” is even further proof that satan has infiltrated true Christianity, as he has time and time again throughout the history of the world. Scripture is twisted and reinterpreted so that people are left bound and left as the spiritual dead by the very words that were meant to bring them life.
So yes, my friends, I have found myself a little unwittingly and unwillingly disobedient to Galatians 6:9 for the past few weeks. I found myself going through the motions as I read my morning devotions. I woke up daily feeling like I was lost in a heavy emotional fog. I would search the scriptures, hoping for a spiritual cure all, only to close my bible disappointed and hurt. Jesus never left my side. God never forgot me. I believe God hurts intensely at the outbreak and celebration of sin in our world. I am leaning more on God these days. My mornings are filled with prayer and praise as I awake, rather than allowing the darkness to descend over my heart. Sharing the truth about homosexuality as I have lived it, is one of the toughest endeavors I have ever attempted. No matter how much the world holds homosexuality in high esteem I will choose daily to honor God with my sexuality. No matter how much ridicule we endure as “ex-gay” men and women by “Christian” leaders, People of Influence or anyone else in the world, I will stand on the truth of the Word of God that homosexuality is not in God’s plan for my life or anyone else.
I didn’t choose to be a light in the darkness, but I accept my responsibility to reach the lost. Though, I didn’t choose homosexuality and wasn’t born that way either, I will respect that the bible says it is a sin and that God’s grace is sufficient for me. I will honor Jesus Christ with all my heart, soul, mind and strength: on good days, after bad weeks and throughout the rest of this amazing life that Christ has seen the foresight to give me. I am nothing without Jesus Christ in my life. That is not a statement of false humility so I get a gold star on His eternal roster. It is simply a statement of fact. Another scripture I have to get used to is that God’s strength will be displayed in my weakness.
I have often wondered why I am still pursuing the path of righteousness when it comes to my sexuality. I can only look back and credit it to many things: a praying father, endless scripture because of endless church services and the amazing grace of God. I am not special, but I have seen the truth of God’s word played out as it relates to sexual sin and brokenness. Gay “Christianity” is taking its toll on men I once stood arm and arm with in this fight. Many of them feel that if God hasn’t taken away their homosexuals desires then it must mean that homosexuality is in His plan for us. Speaking from experience I can tell you personally that is a lie from satan. If God never completely eradicates temptation and sin from my life, I still owe Him my every waking moment on this earth, because of what He gave up for me. Christ surrendered His right to any expression of His sexuality. Christian, Gay “Christian” or whatever, if we call ourselves a Christ follower, we must follow Christ’s example He laid out before us. Rather than rationalizing and compromising, in order to live a hybridized life of homosexual sin and the Worship of Jesus. The word of God is clear about homosexual sin. The leaders of the Gay “Christian” movement are going to have hell to pay. Instead of presenting the truth of the bible, the Gay “Christian” Network is disseminating a watered down gospel that incubates their own sin and propagates a message of death to men and women who’ll stop just short of the cross and lose out on eternity with Christ altogether.
Head Full of Squirrels
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Balance is definitely one thing that I am severely in need of learning. For the most part Jesus has my full attention, but every once in a while I wake up with a whole headful of “mental squirrels”. Our goal this year as a ministry of men pursuing God’s will for our lives and our sexuality has been to read the word of God every day with no excuse. We follow the reading plan at www.lifejournal.cc. A pastor out in Hawaii brought this to the world and it simply works for us. We are not trying to get on God’s brownie points list, but there are things we have always done daily that are far less edifying than reading God’s word. So we decided to put God as our first thing in the morning and see where that would take us. What we discovered was that, very different than the butterfly tramp stamp some of you are still carting around, we, had no regrets.
I rededicated my heart and life to Jesus in December of 1998. I was fresh out of the New Orleans gay, party scene and ready to let go of 10 years of my “fabulous” gay life. Let’s just say that God had a lot of cleaning up to do. 1999 was a year of being inundate with all things God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I read my bible, listened to radio preachers and Christian music whenever I got the chance. I had a prayer life that was non stop.
At the beginning of 2000 I was still on fire for God. I even shared Jesus with the Sea World Animal Training Management interviewing me for my position. At some point though, I thought it was okay to read my bible less and simply get my spiritual “meals” on Sunday. I adhered to that belief for many years. I was still a Christian. I still attended church. But my heart and soul were on “cruise control” and I can’t say that there was a lot of difference between myself and someone just starting their journey with Jesus Christ.
Now this is not a blog to shame any Christian who doesn’t read their bible daily. I just want to share my life before and after my friend Kathy and I made a life changing decision.
It was about 5-6 years ago. I was a leader in our church’s youth ministry. My friend Kathy was also leading with me. At the end of the year, our pastor found the bible reading plan listed above and presented it to our congregation. My friend Kathy, ever bold as she is, came to me and said “if we are going to call ourselves Christians, we need to stop dinking around and begin reading our bibles.” That was really all that I needed. I needed someone to encourage me to begin reading. I needed a scolding. I needed a reality check. You are not a driver, unless you drive a car. You are not a trainer, unless you train. And I couldn’t keep calling myself a Christian, if I didn’t study the Word of God.
I wasn’t perfect with my reading at first. There were days that I missed and fell to self-condemnation and extreme condemnation from satan. I would start again the next morning. All was right with the world. The best part to me was that reading the bible from Genesis gave it a storybook quality that brought the characters and God’s plan for them and me to life. I worked to give myself a little more grace when I missed a day, but I also tried to be more diligent in my pursuit of my time with God.
The main thing that was revealed to me, as if God himself had peeled back a curtain in my mind, was God’s overwhelming grace. Grace that had been extended to me all those years that I was calling myself a Christian, but starving my spirit man with little or no food. When I began to read the bible daily, I saw how much grace God had had to extend to me on the days when I refused to connect with Him. Jesus Christ had set me free from homosexuality, which the world’s says can’t be done, which means that I am a walking miracle and there were days that I didn’t even acknowledge his existence. God didn’t beat me down because I had neglected to read his word. He did allow me to see how much growth I had missed out on, because I refused to slow down the life He gave me long enough to invite Him to enjoy it with me; long enough to let Him guide me through it’s operation.
Recently, the guys of Big Fish Ministry and I have started praying throughout the week for 30 minutes a day. We don’t make it every day, but we are working on it. Once again, my great big Papa in the sky has shared new revelations. This next level of connection renews and refreshes my spirit man. I was embarrassed to call myself a Christian the way I was living before. There was no difference. Now there is.
I write to you my friends and enemies, to simply say this. I am just a man. My story of being an ex gay man may infuriate you or they may excite you. I only know this. If you call yourself a Christian, make a connection with your namesake today. It is never, too, late to connect with Jesus. God is extending grace, until you extend your hands in prayer. God has written a story of many men and women who have gone before you and messed it up as royally as you. satan has no new tricks for mankind. They only seem new when viewed through the lens of your brokenness.
As a broken, rebellious man who is learning to be humble, real and honest before God, let me encourage you to begin reading the Word of God today. It has the power to lift you out of that depression. The Word of God has the power to mend your broken heart. God is waiting to hear from you. Let the last leg of your journey end at the Cross of Jesus Christ. God bless!
Hope? or HOPE!
It’s confession time! I didn’t know how far gone I was until a few weeks ago. As I started formulating the “Our Beliefs” section of the ministry website, I choked. Thick doubt settled over me like fallout from a volcano filled with fear and despair, erupting in my head, enveloping my soul in a toxic cloud of rancid hopelessness. Or maybe it was just a little gas. Anyway, my goal was to share the message that Freedom (from Homosexuality) is Possible, but that phrase has lost some credibility from the ex-gay Christian community. My intention was to proclaim the truth that “Freedom is Possible” for those who want out of homosexuality and the truth of the gospel to those with opposing beliefs. I wasn’t sharing to condemn. I was sharing because once upon a time it was a statement that brought about hope.
So I was stuck. Was I holding on to old ideas on principle alone? Was I afraid of change? Or were the new ideas unbiblical? Was the message I “grew up” on filled with hate or had SIN simply found a better PR/marketing team? My compromised mind hadn’t been evident until I began to write for the website. As I typed, I shimmied to the top of the fence and sat right in the middle, where so many others had taken roost. I wrote the following.
“We believe that those who read God's word on a daily basis, pursue God in prayer and daily surrender their same sex desires to Him will experience a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.”
When I sent the email to my web lady, my stomach was in knots. I didn’t believe what I had just typed, but I typed it to satiate the masses listening to “a new gospel of half hearted hope” blowing on the wind. I felt myself slipping deeper into the sewers of political correctness. With a few simple keystrokes I had succumbed to the doubts that had been brewing in the ex-gay Christian community for months. Instead of standing firm on scripture that we can do all things through Jesus Christ, like I said before, I choked. I gave people reason to doubt God and gave God an easy way out. In the event that He ‘couldn’t’ or ‘wouldn’t’ help someone walk free from homosexuality, I was covered.
“…a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.” The words haunted me. I kept screaming inside my head, “That is not what I believe!” “What if I tell people there is freedom from homosexuality and they don’t experience the same freedom that I have?” “Will they turn their back on God?” “What right do I have to give anyone a license to hope?” I wanted to offer people the same hope that Jesus Christ had given me in 1998 and for 12 years in Exodus circles, but I caught myself torn between the tortured sentiment of gay Christians and their sympathizers and the truth of God’s word. I had accused others of preaching a watered down gospel and here I was doing the same thing.
“Freedom is Possible” and another catch phrase, “Change is Possible” have come under fire, because there were people who attended Exodus conferences over the years that said they had not experienced a noticeable level of change in their sexual attractions. Sorry friends, but I was not on that list. Since I left homosexuality in 1998, I have experienced a noticeable change in my attractions. I’m not a regular attendee at Hooter’s, but I ain’t hold up in Rainbowville either. I’m in process, but I am a little further down the assembly line than the kid I was in 1998. I experienced change and freedom, because I read books, attended conferences, asked for prayer, confessed and asked for help, prayerfully followed conference advice, attended an Exodus ministry and church, read the bible, prayed and held Jesus’ hand as we exhumed the skeleto-emotional remains of my past.
My daily devotional today is found in Genesis and Luke. I use the reading plan at www.lifejournal.cc. The story of Lot’s wife has always fascinated me. The bible says that she looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. In the notes section of my bible, it says this “Lot’s wife was trailing behind him with her heart still in Sodom, looked back, died…”. In warning people about the perils of looking back, Jesus reminds us of Lot’s wife in Luke 17:31-33
Walking away from homosexuality is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. There were days that I “looked back”, days I prayed for a different struggle and days that I drowned my sorrows in gay porn and masturbation. But, at the end of the day, I did my best to honor my commitment to God and my conviction that homosexuality in any form: whether acting out sexually or maintaining a gay identity, though celibate was not God’s best for my life.
There are many reasons why people who decide to leave homosexuality behind “look back”. If we leave pieces of our heart scattered throughout a sexually charged past, it will eventually call out to us and we will be tempted to return. The bible says to sit down and count the cost before ‘investing your life into in a big project’. People underestimate the power of sin in their lives. Failure can also be attributed to the lure of sexual sin, unbelief and human failure. It can never be attributed to God. God will never fail us, but he doesn’t always do things our way. People fail all the time, yet in attempt to shirk blame and responsibility, they pin their failures on God and the Christians who appear to be getting it right. Proverbs 19:3 says it best, “A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.”
After much prayer and devotional time, I came to a different conclusion today than I had that day, working on the website. Many in the ex gay movement may have given up on true freedom and settled for the scraps that fall from the Master’s table, but I won’t be among them. Over and over again, God has used people to share the following scripture with me. God has called me to live the Isaiah 61:1 life. It says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”
Luke 7:22 “So he (Jesus) replied to the messengers, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.” Jesus performed feats of healing that caused the crowds to marvel. My life and the lives of so many others who have walked away from homosexuality are miracles.
“…TO PROCLAIM FREEDOM FOR THE CAPTIVES and RELEASE FROM FROM DARKNESS FOR THE PRISONERS”. Hmmm. That is pretty clear. These same words can also be found in Luke 4:18. God has raised me up to proclaim freedom for men and women trapped in homosexuality. It isn’t false hope and condemnation to proclaim true freedom. It’s actually the most loving thing a person can do for someone who is lost. It isn’t me making promises I can’t keep. It is the truth of God’s Word proclaiming that freedom and release are available to everyone.
Burger King, Heart Surgeon & Jesus
As I was driving yesterday to pick my father up from the airport, I tried to use the time to pray. The drive from my house past a gazillion tollgates lasted about 50 minutes. Long distance drives and toll roads in Central Florida remind of playing monopoly, when you don’t own Boardwalk and Park Place, there are hotels on both and a roll of the dice could bankrupt you. Anyway. I was praying, rather sporadically, for friends, my dad’s flight and guys that I mentor. A few seconds into the prayer I realized I was like Obama without a teleprompter. Why was I so ADHD while I was praying? I thought, if God were one of my human friends and I communicated in the same way, I probably wouldn’t have a lot of friends. We don’t just take in relationships with people. It’s give and take. That is how a good relationship evolves.
What was wrong with me? I had a 50-minute block of time to talk to the creator of the Universe and there I was acting like Zechariah after a visit from Gabriel. It wasn’t pretty or respectful. So I tried to do better. I succeeded, marginally, but it led me to reevaluate how I communicate with God. There are a few well-known ways to fashion one’s prayer so that it is more effective. Different religions have different ways to communicate with God. I like to sit down and have a one on one conversation with God. I don’t burn incense or lock myself away or go through a mediator.
In 1 John 2, the bible says that in Jesus “...we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.” The bible calls Jesus our High Priest. Hebrews 4:14 ‘Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” (And here is the best part, in my opinion.) 16 “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. We have a direct line to the Almighty, Creator of the Universe.”
The drive and my “irreverent” prayer made me think. God is not a “Cosmic Cash Machine” or simply protection from the schoolyard bully. God is my Father. That was a hard concept for me. I grew up hating my father. He was distant and cold. We didn’t get along. He was the strict disciplinarian, who made Christianity too lofty a goal. The distance from my father was a contributing factor to the development of homosexuality in my life. My brother seemed to be my dad’s favorite son. Ultimately, I didn’t get an accurate understanding of the true meaning of the word, father. Maybe you are in the same boat. When I turned my heart and life to Christ and away from my sin, I began to see a completely different side to the word ‘father’. Sin in my life had blocked me from receiving anything from my father.
Over time, God humanized my earthly father, allowing for a love to develop between us and for Christianity to seem attainable. God stepped in as a loving Father and introduced me to the only perfect, human example, Jesus. He did it in a loving way, at a point in my life where my bitter heart was finally accessible. I met Jesus at rock bottom, while others have met Him at the top of their game. And I am so okay with that. Last seat on the plane to Fiji is still a seat on the plane. So many people’s lives are steeped in pride and entitlement. The love of Jesus has difficulty penetrating their hardened hearts, until everything else has been stripped away. Without the sin of homosexuality in my life, I would have never known Jesus in the way that I do. I ran across a scripture today in my daily reading; it was convicting, challenging and ‘the reason behind the write’ here today.
Luke 4:42 At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them.
I sat there for a moment and wondered. When was the last time that I searched desperately for Jesus, found Him and then begged Him to stay? If I am being honest, my friends, it was a very long time ago. As a man coming away from a gay life, I thought of this a different way. When was the last time I longed to sit and stare into Jesus’ ‘eyes’ the way I did so many guys back in the day? I pray. I spend time in the word, but ‘window shopping’ and investing your heart are very different. My goal is to remedy this ‘problem’ I have. I longed my entire life for a Father and a friend. Then He shows up and some days I treat him like Burger King rather than the “Heart Surgeon” who saved my life.
My father is sleeping soundly in the next room. Oh the journey that God has taken us on. I was once convinced that I didn’t have a thing in common with him. I let the sin of homosexuality steal away the very blessing that family can be. I mistakenly viewed homosexuality as a gift from God for so long. Now I can finally see it as the curse that blinded me. All the while satan used it to strip away every anchor I had in the world in order to set me adrift on a sea of sin.
Life doesn’t have to be that way for you my friend. While you still have breath in your lungs, you can change your future. The love of a family fulfills a soul much better than maintaining your pride. Take some time today and recommit to Jesus. God has a plan for your life. If you don’t know Jesus or have been angry with Him, He’s okay if you’re reaching up from Rock Bottom. He was there before you, so your trip wouldn’t be so bad. Romans 10:13 for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” You’ve been longing for a new start for so long. Let today be the day you dust off that bible and make the connection of all connections. Talk to Jesus like you would an old friend. Rest from your long, exhausting journey can be found in His arms.
Full Circle
And with this fourth and final installment I share my last bits of knowledge about a Heart of Stone. I hope you all have found this helpful. If not, stick around. I am sure something I write will reach you where you are. Until then, read on and start the new year off surrendered to Christ and the Word of God.
Spiritual Blindness, Doubt and Unbelief can also lead to a hardened heart.
Mark 8:17 Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: “Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? 18 Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?
Jesus reminds his disciples of the miracles they had witnessed. The feeding of the 5000? The feeding of the 4000? Then he asks them again in Matthew 8:21 “Do you still not understand?”
Ephesians 4:18 They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.
Over and over in the bible people are told not to be afraid. In the parable of the talents, it was fear of the master that caused the man with one talent to bury it in the ground. Fear of failure. Fear of being rebuked.
Unforgivenness also plays a hand in the hardening of our hearts. My mother went to her grave riddled with unforgivenness towards her parents and so many others. Matthew 5:22 “But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. 23 So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
What are some negative effects of maintaining a hard heart? A person with a hardened heart doubts God’s supernatural abilities and continues to rely on their own natural ability. They look for earthly means to solve spiritual issues. Hard heartedness is contagious. You’ve been hard hearted so long that you haven’t even noticed or cared how your attitude infects others. There are questions to ask yourself: Do you want help and What can you do? Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Hebrews 12:14 “Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life…15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”
Hard hearts alter your spiritual perception and keep you from perceiving spiritual truths. This is why everyone in a church service will hear the same message, and some will receive while others won't. It's not the Word that's the variable but rather the condition of the heart. Matthew 13:14-15 “‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive. For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed…”
A physical example of a spiritual problem. My uncle was diagnosed with a a rare heart condition. The pericardium or sac around his heart began to calcify over time. The calcification began to restrict the movement of his heart. Rather than being able to pump blood efficiently, the heart was forced to work inside a restrictive calcium box. My uncle couldn’t walk more than a few steps without having to rest and his hearing was diminished. He went in for surgery and they had to peel his heart like a hard boiled egg. At the height of his recovery, he could walk around freely and his hearing returned, once his heart was softened. Spiritually, many of us are walking around with a hardened heart that is diminishing our senses. Just like my uncle’s real heart was dulling his senses.
Hebrews 3:7 That is why the Holy Spirit says, “Today when you hear his voice, 8 don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled... 10 So I was angry with them, and I said, ‘Their hearts always turn away from me. They refuse to do what I tell them.’ 12 Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. 13 You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.
A hard heart can lead to separation from a Church body. Proverbs 18:19 An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars. It can lead to separation from family and friends. Deuteronomy 5:16 “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 Never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as you would to your own father. Talk to younger men as you would to your own brothers. 2 Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.
Damage Control: Don’t Panic! There is hope for softening a hard heart. Forgiveness is the key. The bible says, don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” Hebrews 3:7 Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says, “Today, if you hear his voice, 8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, on the day of testing in the wilderness,
Practice kindness to one another. Mark 12:31 The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Prayer- Yours and Others. Don’t be afraid to ask for prayer. And don’t be dumb enough to forget or neglect to pray on your own. Philippians 4:6 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.” Tell God what you need. Thank Him for all He has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
Clean up your life! Ephesians 4:30 “And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
Fellowship with Christians! Hebrews 10:25 “And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”
Submit to Christ! Repeat! Ezekiel 36:26, 27 “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.” The bible says that those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved.
An old mentor of mine said it best. Maintaining a heart of stone is like renting satan a room in your head.
When God gives you a new heart, you will be vulnerable again and subject to hurt, but trust in the Lord with all your heart. When you allow yourself to experience pain in the presence of God, an open wound heals and a scar forms. An open wound is a sign that we are still hurt and bleeding. A scar is a sign of healing.
Some of you have been praying for years for something: healing, deliverance, strength, finances. Are you living in obedience or disobedience? Does Jesus have to continually rescue you or is he free to boast of your triumphs?
Hebrews 12:1 ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus… 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.”
Let’s travel back to the tomb. The authorities wanted a guard over the stone at Jesus’ tomb to prevent the disciples from removing Jesus’ body. Their hardened hearts were guided by human wisdom not the heavenly knowledge that Jesus would rise from that grave. In their minds, “The stone was to be maintained.” While the stone remained, the story of Jesus was silenced.
The stone blocking the entrance to the tomb represents our hardened hearts my friends. Every time we say No to God, we dispatch another “soldier” to secure the stone around our hearts. God wants to roll the stone away and give us access to Jesus once again.
Hebrews 4:16 “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”