Every Thorn Has It's Rose
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Today would have been my mom’s 70th birthday. Her name is Hazel…“like a nut,” she would say, “because I’m kinda crazy.” If mom were alive, she would be celebrating at a local BBQ place or Incredible Pizza, which is actually dad’s favorite. She left a lot of hope and humor behind in her letters. My mom, Hazel Ann Walker, wrote long letters; lots of them. Each, a delightful rambling on work, recipes, my dad and life. One of our best memories was the Thanksgiving I volunteered to help cook. I got bored so I flew the 15 lb., uncooked bird around the kitchen before ultimately posing it like a Playboy centerfold on the sink. Mom tried not to laugh, but when she saw the beheaded fowl provocatively positioned, she couldn’t hold it in.
Mom was the reason I got a college degree and could prepare an entire meal from scratch. She was also the source of great emotional upheaval in my life. Creative and tough, she did her best to keep her tortured past in the past. She sacrificed for the good of others. Scanning back over stacks of hand written letters, I realize that in the midst of our thorny relationship, some beautiful roses grew. I would love to share my mom with you; in her own words.
Dear Son, January 25, 1994, 1:20 PM
I love you and am concerned about you. I love you very much (Daddy does to) and I never want you to doubt it. We are very proud of you. We all feel trapped, scolded, hurt and confused. At those times, take time to look at ourselves kindly. Breathe in God’s life and celebrate that He loves us. Grace is a gift of God. We are not perfect. We are humans. We need to accept ourselves as such. LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH! As you pass through this world you’ll wear many different shoes. You’ll never know how they feel on the other person till you’ve worn them yourself.
Life is an attitude and it depends on one’s own. I’ve never been to college or anywhere else, but I’ve lived 46 years in this hard, old world. Things happen that are good and BAD. Just learn to hang in there. Take it day by day. Do not worry as your mother does. It hurts God when you do. I’ve tried to protect all of my children from hurt and the world. That is wrong! The way you grow up is to take on responsibility. I think you want adult privileges, but no adult responsibility. I want so many things for you. Some things I want for you, money can’t buy: a good relationship with the Lord, happiness, self-confidence and positive thinking.
When you are older you’ll tend to mellow a bit. When you’re young your feelings are intense. They seem to be right up front. It took me over 40 years to grow up in some areas of my life. That sounded good didn’t it? The courses you are taking are hard. Do the best you can do. I’m sure everyone who has been to college or done anything worthwhile has run into HARD times. If I look behind me and see some of the things I’ve gone through, there was some point I thought that I couldn’t have done them. Dad & I are behind you 100%. You can tell the Lord anything. I have and you know me! Just call upon him. Please try to go to church once a week. Love, Hazella
Son, October 27, 1992 9:15 a.m.
The world’s a better place because you’re in it! A little crazier, maybe, but better! (As a rule) only buy things on sale. There is too little good in this world so spread it around. I wore my pants backwards and Dad pooped his. I laughed so much I threw up in the Wal-Mart parking lot and almost wet my pants. I couldn’t get the door unlocked or window open fast enough for Jack. He just sat there yelling. It was a good afternoon for us. Today is another beautiful day in Oklahoma. I told Daddy no one would have us we’re too rotten. I fed him hot cookies and milk at about ten last night.
I have made 10 loaves of Zucchini bread and 3 pans of orange rolls. I really need to diet, but I really love to eat. I love you and wish you well. You need to really do some soul searching. Do you want to be an adult and accept all responsibility? Or do you want to be a child? No one can make these decisions for you.
I think one thing I’d really like is a clean house and nice curtains. I guess I don’t or I would have them. I’ve thrown away a big sack of my clothes. Aren’t you proud of me? I know you can do good, but living life is not easy. It’s not a party everyday or a t-shirt. What really bothers me about being short staffed at work is not doing the kind of work I like to do; good work.
I’ve written bigger checks to you than anyone in my 43 years. You never know what is going to happen in your life. The Lord will help you and guide you. You need to let the Bible help you. Daddy prays for all of us. I just wish I had his faith.
We’ve always wondered if stinky people can smell themselves or if they just think it’s someone else. I told Daddy when we got in bed Tuesday night why don’t you ever think of your legs, shoulders, hips, and knees when you’re young? Cause they don’t hurt.
Love, Mother
Matty,
We went to church last night and had a good service. I feel so much better after I go. The Bible says if your enemy is hungry, give him food. If he is thirsty, give his something to drink. This will make him feel ashamed of himself, and God will reward you. I have really been trying to do better, but it’s so hard to be a Christian. The devil (so daddy says) has been putting the most horrible thoughts in my mind. I have been reading my Bible more. For awhile I read it and none of it made sense. Jesus is always there. Always the same.
I think someone needs to draw a picture for new Christians, so they can succeed in living a Christian life. Prayer, Bible reading, and Christian fellowship. Sometimes I feel like an idiot trying to be a Christian. I see things like I’ve never seen them before. I was a Christian for several years when you were small.
You are not gaining a thing by comparing yourself to someone else. I hope you will realize this and stop it. There is always someone worse off. Just keep looking around and you are blessed. You have a healthy body, good mind, common sense, good personality, and good looking. What you are doing (I feel in making changes) is growing up! It hurts and we don’t like it, but it’s a fact. If you want to excel in college, it should be top priority after the Lord. I asked you to attend church once a week. More for you than for me.
Are you running from the Lord? Please don’t think I’m preaching. I’ve always felt like you had a job to do here for the Lord. Are you maybe running from yourself? Twenty‑four hours in a day are yours. I keep telling myself I have the same 24 hours Helen Keller had! When we were first married we wanted a new car, nice house, and furniture. Why? Other people we knew had them. You want things and lot of them when you are younger. This is the time you really can’t afford them, but when you’d enjoy them most. As you get older I think you appreciate what you get more.
A lot of people don’t have what your Dad & I have for our children and other people. Believe it or not they would like to. You can’t buy it with money. Manners and being nice do not cost any money. Always try to put yourself in the other fellow’s place and it may change your view.
I really don’t think God would have minded if I had stayed home to watch the Country Music Awards. I told Jack I think He likes country music. I did not want to end on 13 pages and now I’m to 15 pages. I’m reading a book about Abraham Lincoln. He was very very smart and very religious. Also a good story teller. I just always think of him as tall, ugly and freeing the slaves.
P.S. Everybody has a cross to bear. Jesus loves us even though he knows our deepest thoughts. I’ve had PMS today. Poor Jack. Love, Mother
Jack is my father; mom’s forever faithful husband. He loved her unconditionally. He showed me a Godly example of how to love a woman well, regardless. In her absence, her letters share the very essence of a mother’s heart.
Her love for me is summed up in one sentence. After attending my first college play where I portrayed an Indian brave wearing nothing more than a dance belt, body paint and a dish rag, she hugged me and said,
“I think you’re a real special guy; even in a loin cloth.”
Happy Birthday “June”!
Enough Already!
I haven't posted anything in months. My apologies. I still love Jesus. I haven't decided to leave Christianity for the latest self honoring religious trend. In all honesty, I was just kind of mentally exhausted. I walked away from my gay life more than 17 years ago and instead of it getting easier to talk and share what God has done for me, the attacks and rhetoric of the "tolerant" left made it difficult to share. There are so many opinions when it comes to my story of leaving homosexuality behind to follow God's true design for my life, and then there is the simple truth. I wasn't born gay. I thank God for that. I was reminded tonight of a scripture in Psalm 139 that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And that all God's works are wonderful. That goes head to head with what I personally know and have experienced in gay culture and gay circles. My gay life might have been pleasurable and fun for a time, but in the end it was anything, but wonderful. I had the distinct pleasure of praying with a father tonight whose son has been trying to slowly and steadily acclimate them to his gay life. The most amazing thing about this father's journey with his son, was the fact that his love for his son was so evident. The son can't see that homosexuality is not God's design for him, but with the leading of the Holy Spirit, the father sees it clearly. It was my own father's prayers that awakened my soul to the calling of the Holy Spirit. It was my father's constant battle in prayer that led me out of homosexuality and into the arms of Jesus.
I will never believe that myself or anyone was born gay. I will forever believe that God's design for men who have been led down the path to homosexuality were indeed born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay. So that brings me to the place of mental exhaustion. There are times I forget that the fight is against powers and forces in the spirit realm and not against the people being manipulated by those forces here on earth. No one likes to be called names or bullied or picked on. And the gay community has gone to great lengths to end bullying in many venues, yet they employ those same skills to stifle beliefs that conflict with theirs. A few weeks ago I was verbally berated on our neighborhood Facebook page by a woman I had never met.
We posted our ministry name and our fundraising event on the page. The lady took the time to look up our page and then post lie after lie after lie about Big Fish Ministry. I sheltered the brunt of her rage silently for most of the day and then I shared it with some close friends. The anger my friends felt for me felt good, because they know my story, my heart and they know the attack all too well. We turned our anger into prayers for the woman. Satan is the real enemy we are facing. Not some internet bully.
In high school I faced down a bully that was twice my size and used words as lethal weapons that altered the course of my life for a time. Now the only words that I choose to let alter the course of my life is the Word of God. I have been verbally assaulted and had my character maligned more by men and women of the gay community, because of my testimony than I was ever assaulted when I was gay by straight people. It's always interesting to me that the full initials of the gay community include a Q for "Questioning", but when you question the presence of homosexuality in your life like I did, and decide for God and against gay, the claws and insults come out.
This latest issue about transgender bathroom rights is less about transgender rights and more about altering the course of God's design and will for our gender. Isn't it interesting that the very principles that God laid down in the book of Genesis regarding gender and marriage are the very things under attack today by satan. The gay community is composed of men and women just like the "straight" community. Satan works through people, places and things. The gay community isn't the enemy, but they are being used by the enemy to alter God's design for man.
I find it interesting that the transgender community is more interested in having an entire nation honor their "rights", but show almost no concern for the implications that open restrooms are going to have on children. At the end of the day, it isn't about gay, transgender or individual rights. It's about the selfish nature of the human heart steeped in sin and in need of Jesus. There is the mentality that "I want what I want when I want it and you had better not tell me No. No one tells me No, because I have a right." If you tell me NO, you are a bigot, a hater. You aren't a Christian, because God is love and if you aren't loving me by letting me have everything I want in life then you are wrong.
From having lived as a gay man for most of my life, I know the rampant immaturity of the gay community. It is a vast network of men and women who have been hurt and rejected by the world and in some ways are working daily to make sure that those who have hurt them will never hurt them again. The only problem with that is that "Hurt people, hurt people." As the vast majority of gay men do, I grew up without a meaningful connection with my father. I was blessed in that my father, though distant, was a Christian. He loved me and reached out even when I was full of piss and vinegar toward him. He prayed even when the life I was living gave him no hope.
So as it stands now, I am done being exhausted by the bullies in the gay community. I am a voice for truth and hope for those men and women trapped in their gay lives by the one way, intolerant rhetoric of the gay agenda. God has challenged me to set the captives free and proclaim freedom for those stuck in the prison walls. Alan Chambers may have shuttered Exodus International, but the truth of God will not be silenced by any man regardless of how influential. Change is still possible. Freedom from homosexuality is still possible. God is in the business of changing the hearts and lives of men.
The last time I posted a blog on this topic, I tried to boost it on Facebook. The Facebook powers that be refused to allow me to boost it due to it's graphic nature. I shouldn't be surprised. Facebook is not a Christian based group. Even talking to my friend in North Carolina who shared the truth of the Bathroom Legislation, I found out a truth that the liberal media blocked all of us from hearing. I'm done with the censorship. I'm done with the lies, slander and victimization myself and other "ex-gays" like me receive from groups that cry out "OFFENSE OFFENSE" whenever someone speaks that truth of God's word. If those of us who know the truth refuse to stand up for it, regardless of the backlash, then we can't complain when everything goes to crap.
My name is Matthew Aaron Walker and in December of 1998, I walked away from a gay life with help of Jesus Christ. He has the same legacy for you my friend. Homosexuality is not God's design for your life. There is a way out and His name is Jesus.
Let me be; that Man
Each morning, many members of the family of illuminate church read the same devotional from wherever they find themselves on the planet. The devotion is the brainchild of Pastor Wayne Cordero and can be found here: www.lifejournal.cc. We are currently reading selections from the book of Numbers, which, I know sounds about as riveting as having a root canal with no anesthetic. BUT...I found this awesome nugget from God today.
So his guy named Balaam, yes the same Balaam with the talking Donkey, was being paid to put a curse Israel. However, each time Balaam opened his mouth, God led him to bless Israel, which really angered the guy paying him to curse Israel. On the third try, the Spirit of God came over Balaam and he began a third and final blessing with these words.
Numbers 24:3b-4 "The utterance of the man whose eyes are opened, the utterance of him who hears the words of God, who sees the vision of the Almighty, who falls down , with eyes wide open."
Here was my prayer to God after reading this scripture. "I pray that I am that man. That my eyes be opened and no longer shrouded in fear. That my ears would be open to everything God is speaking and not just the things that I want to hear God say. That I have a taste and a desire for God's ultimate plan. That I remain humble in HIs presence and obedient to His call on my life, His vision for man and reverent to His name and vast resumé." I pray that for each of you right now. Each of you as the man or woman that God created you to be. God still has a plan for you.
Remember these people: 1) the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8, 2) the man crippled since birth in Acts 14, 3) the 10 lepers of Luke 17, 4) a beggar named Blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10, 5) the paralytic man of Mark 2 whose friends lowered him through the roof .
And finally this guy 6) The man in John 5 at the pool of Bethesda was sick for thirty-eight years.
Jesus saw this guy lying there. Jesus knew that he had been in that condition a long time. Jesus says to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”
How many times have you said, “I can’t", "I don’t know how", "There’s no way”.
Jesus has come to say to us: "I know what you struggle with", "I know how long you have struggled with it", and "I’m not interested in your excuses and your explanations".
I just want to know one thing, “Do you want to be made well?”
Father God, I ask that you encourage every Christian who desires a closer walk with You today. Give them ears to hear what You are speaking to them and over them. Give them a vision for Your perfect will. Lead them into a deeper relationship with You. Amen.
Back in the Pool
On the short commute to church, a song came on the radio that I really like. Considering that our local Christian station still plays "hits" from Amy Grant's first LP, it was quite odd. I remember saying "I love this song" out loud and asked my friend to turn it up. He misheard me and never changed the volume, so I tuned everything else out and focused on intently listening to the song. To my surprise the music seemed to grow in volume. Each word fell on my ears with greater clarity than before. When the song ended, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.
He said that getting close to God is like what I had just done trying to hear to my song. It wasn't about asking God to get louder thus drowning out the noise of my life. It is about pressing in to hear God's voice at the level He is currently speaking, while letting the cacophony of life fade away. I sat there dumbfounded. In a split second, God had deposited a thought so simple, yet so profound into my life; press in to God and the cares of this world will fade away.
During church, our pastor's wife, Christine, got up to share an encouraging story. Her story bore the same spiritual DNA as my God encounter in the car. God was trying to teach me something. I asked her to share her story, in writing. Here is what she shared.
"As a Florida girl, a swimming pool and a sunny afternoon were the perfect combination most months out of the year. I loved to swim! I loved the crazy activity of it: diving, cannonballs, Marco Polo with my brother. I could be found with stickers on and baby oil to get a 'tattoo' from the sun on occasion. But what I loved the most was putting on goggles and slipping down to the bottom of the shallow end of the pool, laying there for as long as I could hold my breath. I would release air slowly so I could sink to the bottom and not struggle to stay down. I could see the bright sun differently breaking through the clear water. There were hardly any other noises and in the silence, the view was captivating to me. That kind of 'full immersion' allowed a different viewpoint of the very, same sky I was under day after day.
Just over 3 years ago, we celebrated the birth of our third child, Eli, our bonus baby. He is a blessing unexpected; a gift beyond our wildest dreams. In the weeks following his birth, in the midst of sleepless nights, disconnection from church and friends, and the normal routine of life of connected with God through worship and the Word, a darkness crept into the vacancy and threatened to steal my joy, my song.
The song of my life is the testimony and love letter written on my heart by God himself. It's chorus full of the remembrance of who God is and how real He has been and continues to be in my life. It is the testimony of Him: pursuing me, rescuing me, redeeming me and saving me. It is the power of His presence to change and remold me over and over. To be more like Him, as I yield to His strong and gentle hands. The more time that passed for me, "out of the pool" so to speak, of worship and relationship with God, the harder it was to remember my letter or sing my song. In the quiet of the night during a middle of the night feeding, the Lord whispered to me,
"Get back in the pool"
Slip under the abundant waters of grace, mercy, presence, truth, and power
Sink to the bottom
Breathe out the cares, needs, questions and fears long enough to see and hear Him clearly again
And an amazing thing happened...
I found my song and began to sing it again."
Jesus: Expletive, Weapon or Freedom
About a month ago, I celebrated the 17th anniversary of the day I walked away from homosexuality. There were no cakes, no banners or brightly colored, celebratory paraphenalia; only the amazing recollection of the day that Jesus became something more to me than a crass expression used by irreverently or the weaponized tool of manipulation used by religious zealots. Jesus Christ. What a powerful name! Jesus' life and ministry was the fulfillment of many prophecies in the Old Testament. During those cold moments at the close of 1998 and the cessation of my sexual escapades, Jesus fulfilled one scripture for me above all else. Proverbs 18:24- "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." A friend that sticks closer than a brother. I had lived a life virtually spitting in the face of Jesus, but at the end of my rebellion He was standing there saying "Welcome Back". Back to reality. Back to His will. Back to life. The Walking Dead, though science fiction, was my reality for 2 decades. I spent my life focused on getting beyond the difficult junk in order to get to the good stuff on the other side. Good stuff was forever elusive. Life had become a vast swamp and I wandered endlessly, pursuing an ever changing destination. Conversely, the Old Testament account of Joseph speaks of thriving in difficulty. Joseph was sold into slavery, stolen from his father and imprisoned on false charges. Yet he consistently gave glory and praise to God, rather than moping about. He thrived, because he was surrendered to God. It was said of Joseph in Genesis 41:38 "Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom is the Spirit of God?" As I wandered through the desert of my dysfunction, I repeatedly said 'No Thanks God', blaming my misfortune on Him. Joseph's peace in time of trouble was always something of an illusion to me.
As a young, gay man I wielded words like weapons. I made sport of being angry, bitter and offensively witty. In restrospect, it's clear those aren't Christlike attributes. But to my young, gay mind, tainted by the deceptive beliefs of: "abandoned by God" and "hated by Christians", words were a source of survival. So much of the scripture lately lends support to choosing Jesus over sin of any kind. There are benefits to serving the One Master, Jesus, over the other master, our broken sexuality.
My father's effective and powerful prayers and growing up in a church bathed in scripture, are the two main reasons I was able to leave homosexuality and stay away. In my own ministry, I have realized that I don't pray for people nearly as much as my father did for me. God is not bringing young men to me so I can tell them to behave. God is bringing men into my life who struggle so that I can reiterate the fact that Jesus is the answer to what ails them. The Holy Spirit revisited that idea a few weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning. "Just tell them about Jesus," he said. It's always been about Jesus and will always be about Jesus. There is no other name under heaven by which a man can be saved. I pondered these thoughts yesterday, as I sat across the table from a young man who had just told me he was on the verge of making a huge decision. He was deciding between living a life for God or going headlong into the gay life. This was no easy decision for him. And no easy confession. I have been in this young man's life for a little over a year. I've seen him victorious over sin one day and giving into it entirely the next. Keep in mind. He never came right out and said, I plan on screwing up my life forever by leaving my wife and family behind in order to live as who I truly am. He is tormented by the decision, but he sees no other way.
As a Christian who struggles with homosexual desires I understand his pain. What struck my heart the most was one of the reasons he said he was giving up and going into the gay life. He said it would just make things easier. To which I replied, "For whom?". I read in scripture today about serving two masters. While it is primarily used as a sermon on serving God or money, it speaks volumes to a principle I alluded to earlier; choosing one master to serve. The bible says that no servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon. -Luke 16:13. As I chatted with my friend, I could indeed see the fork in the road where he was standing. The road on the left was an easy, short journey through life followed by a tormented, infinite journey into hell. The path on the right was narrow and winding, filled with hardship for a time filled with an eternity with a loving God. My friend had spent the bulk of his life stuck between gay and God, taking on the feel good parts of Christianity and the exciting parts of his gay life, while never fully committing to either. It was the proverbial life of living on the fence. One which the New Testament describes God as saying, and I am paraphrasing, be hot or cold, because you will never amount to any good as a lukewarm, fence dweller; spiritual limbo if you will.
Conversations like this are frequent in "ex-gay" ministry. After the death of Exodus International and the onslaught of government, approved gay marriage, many have lost sight of the truth of scripture. Many have lost the will to fight. While perusing Facebook last week I read a post that hit like a gut punch. No it wasn't "Hillary 2016". The post said simply, "Here is a picture of my beautiful wife." Those words were uttered by a friend I used to attend church with and minister alongside. That friend's name is Lisa. Daily, I see the casualties of homosexual sin and desire. I don't hate homosexual sin for all the preconceived Christian reasons. I hate the idea that the people I know and love are surrendering themselves to a life where they will be chewed up, spit out and disrespected. A world where Jesus is neither honored nor exalted. At the end of the day though, they are subject to the laws of the land we chose to live in. They may be submitting themselves willingly, but I know the realistic pull of sexual sin. It sets in at an early age and steals away a person's youth and life experience.
I see now why my father spent so many nights on his knees in prayer before God. His heart ached for the lost, as mine does now. If you find yourself at the same crossroads as my friend, please reach out before you make a life altering decision. If you have someone in your life who is about to succumb to the pressures of sexual desire and temptation, please don't stop praying for that person. Though I have traveled to Alaska, Australia and beyond to share Jesus with whomever would listen, I found myself defeated in my own backyard. For a moment I gave up on my friend. The thought crossed my mind that I was so tired of losing friends to homosexuality. Later that night I repented for giving up so easily and prayed earnestly for the life of my friend and other sons and daughters. I asked God to remind satan that he's been defeated. I went to battle for lives that truly matter and souls with whom I want to spend an eternity in heaven.
Jesus was fully a man. Jesus is fully God. And where I get it wrong and build expectations and hurdles for people, He builds a bridge. You can know Jesus today, too. He doen't ask you to clean yourself up before you come to Him. He simply invites you to come. If you are struggling today at the crossroads, there is freedom from homosexuality, but most importantly, there is life in Jesus Christ. I am living proof.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 - 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed,you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
My Church, My Friend and Your Heart
So my friend James is a real God Save the Queen Brit. I worked with him at Sea World for 15 years. We were hired the same year. Over the years we had our share of knockdown, drag out, screaming matches. With his accent his arguing points always sound a bit more enlightened. Then in a few days, we’d both get our knickers unstuck and be on about the business of training animals. Though we had more than our fair share of misunderstandings, we also shared a great deal of laughter. I consider him one of the great takeaways of my Sea World career. He frequently calls and shares a chat with me on his drive home. I always know James is about home, because Facetime shuts off and Siri quietly displays the words “poor connection”. On the odd occasion when I get to see James again, it’s always with a big hug and grateful heart. He’s one of the most amazing animal trainers you’d ever hope to meet. James also happens to be a carpenter, a barber, a dancer, a pilot, a doting father, and a loving husband to Marie. In the emotional makeup of my life, James is a lifer. But we’ve experienced a few other “poor connections” over the years.
I remember that there were times James would ask me religious questions. There were times when he stated his opinion about the church. One particular occasion I was eating lunch. I had microwaved my food, sat down at the table and prayed over my meal. When I finished, James looked across the table and said, “Doesn’t He know that your food is getting cold?” I think he then gestured toward the sky. I explained that a 30 second prayer wouldn’t be long enough for my food to go cold. We both had a good laugh over that one.
On another occasion, James begin asking me about my church and what we did for the homeless, the community, etc.. He voiced his opinion that it should be the churches role to help everyone in need. Although I was in complete agreement, I think I went on the defensive for the whole of Christianity. I felt like the church can’t solely be expected to provide everything to everyone. I felt it leaves a wide margin of error for the church to “disappoint” and “disillusion” one more person regarding God.
I am reminded of this conversation with James, because Illuminate Church, my church, is the kind of giving church that James spoke about. Heck, our church even gives out bibles on Sunday if people don’t have one and need one. Our church serves the community and the schools in the community where we are located. We attend homeless food and clothing drives. My church donates a monthly stipend to the ministry that I direct as well. The men and women of Illuminate Church are the hands and feet of God that my friend James was speaking of that day. Once a year, the women of the church gather together with their friends to collect a bazillion gift cards for a benevolence fund for the following year. One of the ladies at church heads up a coat and shoe drive for impoverished kids up North. When it comes to serving people, we have people chomping at the bit to help.
I have attended this church for the better part of 10 years. What I love the most about the church is that we have a pastor and a pastoral staff that preach the word of God straight from the bible. You might think, “Don’t all churches do that?” The honest answer would be no. Some are more like bars and restaurants where they cater to what the patrons want. Our church is more like a hospital where the sick come to meet Jesus and those who have been healed or helped are rolling up their sleeves and pitching in to imitate Jesus and be about their Father’s business.
I found hope, healing and community among good Christian men as I was continuing my walk towards Jesus and away from homosexuality. If you have an opinion about church that has kept you away from church, like my friend James, set that aside this week and join us at Illuminate Church. The decision to attend a little church in Celebration, Florida long ago, eventually became a church I have called home for 10 years.
My church is more than just a building. It’s a family of people who make sure that new people don’t feel new very long. My church is a hug and fun fact from my friends Linda and Doug. It’s a word of advice and encouragement from Judy. A worship experience led by people who worship even when they aren’t on stage. We give, so that we can give back. It’s pastors who write their sermons from the bible not from the headlines. It’s a place where Jesus is mentioned frequently and the Holy Spirit is welcome. If God has been speaking to about church, find ours or start your search for the one nearest to you. Don’t let your emotions cheat you out of what your heart really needs.
Remembering My Mom
My relationship with my mom was a hard fought battle. Nothing about it was easy. Over the years we shed more tears than a Miss Universe crowning. I was a shy, sensitive kid. She was born to an emotionally distant, angry alcoholic who believed that “girls can’t work so they are a waste of food.” My mom was gifted with a sensitive caring heart, but it was repeatedly crushed in the harsh reality of her world. She grew up simultaneously fearing men, but falling in love with my dad. They were married 38 years. When my relationship with her was good, we shared an emotional synergy capable of changing the world. When it was bad, we inflicted heart damage on each other that we’d never recover from until her death. Around Christmas of 2011, God called me home to check on mom and dad. I knew He was calling me home, but I didn’t know why. Christmas day unceremoniously came and went. Mom had spent the last two years living in her recliner in the living room. She had simply checked out of life and honestly seemed to be waiting on God to take her home. My mom had always struggled with Bi-polar disorder, but tried hard to hide it from my brother and I. She wasn’t always successful. I grew up afraid of her.
Christmas 2011 was difficult at best. Conversations were sparse and strained, if at all. I spent many days occupying the couch opposite my mother’s makeshift fortress from which she watched the life stories and adventures of the people in her chosen community play out on TV. I still had no idea what God was up to. Most days I felt like a rescue diver desperately scanning for signs of life in the “murky waters” of what remained of my relationship with my mother. Then hope surfaced.
During one of our marathon TV stints, mom asked me to pray for her. This was completely unexpected. As I knelt at her feet, I was immediately nervousness. What should I pray? I finished my prayer and we settled back in until the next day. Once again she asked for prayer. I was freaking out. What was this about God?
The following day I prayed over my mother again; a few minutes she would be gone. The events of that day were burned into my head with a white, hot laser. The prayer that day was straight up spiritual warfare. I believe my mother was tormented by demons her whole life. The Holy Spirit and I seemed to be alone in that belief. I prayed in tongues. I prayed in the name of Jesus taking no notice of the people in the room. During the prayer she stopped fighting me and slumped into her chair, a look of peace on her face.
My mom was plagued with anger, sadness, bitterness and unforgiveness. It would eventually choke the life out of her sensitive heart. I believe she lost the will to live. She had resigned herself to that recliner after resigning from life. She was addicted to prescription drugs. Her counselor was worthless and instead of getting my mom off the few drugs she was on, only succeeded in putting her on many additional medications. At the end of the day, my mom’s heart simply gave out.
Growing up, my family hid every aspect of their lives; not just the private stuff. I grew up watching relatives stuff every tear, trial and emotion so deep that even satan himself had trouble finding it. When I left home, I refused to live a life of quiet desperation, beyond the borders of true community. My mother died quietly; sequestered in silence, because someone somewhere painted emotions as a weakness. I now know that emotions are a gift from God that give life perspective. I wish to honor my mother’s memory, learn from her mistakes and the mistakes of others that sent her down the wrong path.
My mother was a culinary seamstress, weaving the tastiest tapestries of sugar, butter and Crisco and wielded bleach with reckless abandon against every strain of bacteria known to man. She would occasionally sneak a piece of Colby Jack Cheese into her bedroom late at night and subsequently fall asleep before eating it, leaving it to harden and get lost under her pillow, only to be found later. She screamed, cried and laughed in equal amounts and taught me that every hurt could be mended with cookies, bacon or a whole mess of fried potatoes. Above all else, I know she loved me.
There are days I wish I could have done more to show her how much she impacted my life. Days I miss her beyond belief. I know at the end of her life I served and honored her well. As I stood by her hospital bed 4 years ago in a cold, dimly lit room, I thanked her for giving me the life she never had. I thanked her for naming me Aaron and challenging me to be a voice in the world. I tried my hardest to remember the good she did and forget the bad she never meant to do. Ultimately I thanked her for her sacrificial life and said goodbye one last time.
Beltway Meltdown
Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.
One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.
I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked. The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.
Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.
The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.
God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.
People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.
After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.
No one...deserves my anger.
Vomit, Dancing and a 4 a.m. Wakeup Call
Ever so often I ask a friend to write a guest blog to share with my readers. Here is a guest blog from a friend of mine named Samuel. He writes a blog which you can read at www.BrotherBarr.wordpress.com. Here is a little of Samuel's story and journey so far. I want to take you on a journey, hoping you will arrive at the same place of freedom I did. The journey isn’t pleasant, but it was what I needed to open my eyes and heart to my dire need for God and His saving grace. I wish I could say that it will be the last journey through darkness that I will ever take. Only God knows for sure. Nevertheless, I do know that going through the darkness with God is nowhere near as lonely and scary as it was going through it without Him. That was my life before I accepted Christ as my savior. It was definitely the loneliest and darkest time of my life.
This journey began 8 years after my salvation. I was living out the Proverbs 26:11 life once again, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” Doing the very things I did not want to do. Can you relate? Paul could. Romans 7:19 ”For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” I had recently returned from Georgia where I was a part of a ministry that helps people deal with hurts, habits and hang-ups. I was living a blessed, simple life of serving God and loving it. Unfortunately, I had already begun to backslide and reopen doors to the enemy. Hindsight always gives us 20/20 vision. If I had only drawn close to God and stayed authentically connected to healthy people, I could have saved myself, and my loved ones a lot of heartache and pain. Instead, I ran back to Florida.
I returned to Florida to care for my mother who was having some health issues. At least that is what it looked like to everyone else. I knew I was already running full steam away from God and His plan for my life. Reminds me of Jonah 1:3 “But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD.” My emphasis added. I have heard it put this way. When we choose to run from the Lord, the enemy will make sure we have transportation and it always cost us. My ship was my mom and the fare I paid was my peace and freedom. It wasn't long before I was dancing around the enemy's campfire, once again. Every demon that had been evicted returned with a vengeance, and brought buddies. Sound familiar? Luke 11:26 “Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.” Gratefully, it was only a year before God's mercy and grace brought me to repentance, yet again, but the damage was done: physical, financial, mental and spiritual damage as well. This was Spring of 2010.
Later that Spring my mom and I decided, for various reasons, to relocate from Tampa Bay to Ft. Myers. Most importantly were my brother and his family. They could offer some emotional support for my mother and I while I restarted the process of working on my issues. I also had a great church and recovery family, which I had established back in 2007 prior to moving to Georgia. There were so many blessings in moving to Ft. Myers, but it would be some time before I would begin to see them and accept them as God's grace and protection.
I was blind to the blessings for a few reasons. Some I was aware of while others were hidden and deeply rooted. One major reason was the hope that being Christian and gay was ok in God's eyes. The truth was that as long as I held on to this or anything that God had asked me to surrender, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I wasn’t living by His word. God is always faithful to His Word, every part of it. I am called to be faithful to every part, as well, even the parts I don't understand or agree with. Despite my disobedience He was patient and continued to love me. That is what He does. Deep in my heart I knew that being Christian and gay was not part of God's plan for my life. Ever have that feeling about a particular sin yet still try to rationalize it away? Have you truly ever searched your heart, or asked God to? Psalm 139:23-24a “Search me O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me.” If we are serious about living a life that is pleasing to God then we have to pray those exact words and mean it. I know I did.
God continued to speak to me regarding the junk I was holding on to. One night in 2010, before moving to Ft Myers, near the end of a relapse, we were visiting my brother. What you may not know about my relapses is that they involved addiction to Meth, a.k.a. the “devil’s drug”. Coming down from a relapse means restoring order to the chaos of my destructive behaviors: insomnia and a diet of water and candy. The restoration involves multiple hours of sleeping with brief moments of waking and eating. Then quickly returning to sleep. I needed my sleep. I loved my sleep. So I knew that it was God that woke me up at 4 a.m. one morning and spoke these words to me, “Sam, you make so much of your struggle. I am not concerned as much about your struggle as I am about you.” It was a simple, yet profound statement.
It would take another 4 years before I would grasp the totality of that statement. If I could only focus on God as much as I was focusing on my sin, then God could do what He promised and I could begin to walk in His freedom. I had become so blinded by pride that the lies I believed became truth for me. If I could have only gotten my eyes off myself, my sin and the world and fixed them back on Jesus, I could have taken hold of the promises in His word. The only thing that got my eyes off myself, was hitting rock bottom again and again. Have you hit your rock bottom yet?
In February 2014, I found myself hitting rock bottom a fourth time since relocating to Ft. Myers. It had been over a year since the last relapse. This time it was darker and deeper. I found myself living in my car, by my choice, eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking ginger ale. I walked away from a successful career, friends and family that loved me, a great apartment and many blessings. It is still hard for me to believe how blinded by lies I had become. All God was asking me to do was trust and surrender to His plan for my life. Looking back now, He wasn't asking that much. Why I thought for a minute that my way was better or that the world had something better to offer is beyond me. What lies do you still believe? Do you believe that your way is better than God's? Or that the world has something better to offer?
Thankfully, today, I find myself learning to live wholly surrendered. Trusting Him fully is still a daily struggle, but I am learning to do so moment-by-moment, struggle-by-struggle. I am doing my best to seek God first. I ask Him daily to guide me, to search my heart and help me see things from His perspective. Not only do I know, with my head, but I also believe, with my heart, that God has a plan for my life. I confidently believe that God is taking the chaos of my struggles, pains and hurts and using my gifts and talents to create a beautiful symphony of purpose.
Are you ready to begin your journey of freedom?
Conversations at the Diner
On our way to our friend Amy's house to celebrate Thanksgiving, we stopped by a diner I have been eyeing for awhile now. My friends eat way healthier than me. Well, except for Ethan. He believes that McDonald's forms the base of the food pyramid. Anyway, I convinced, aka begged, them to stop and have dinner. They relented and we stopped. We are a friendly bunch and can basically talk to anyone about anything. The sign at the front invited us to seat ourselves; so we did. Our first waitress was quickly displaced by a second, feistier one. The new waitress was 3 inches shorter than your average kindergartner. Upon asking what she recommended, her tiny fingers danced about the menu faster than Hillary Clinton can hit the delete button after checking a classified email. The guys decided on a few of her recommendations, but I broke rank, deciding instead to go with liver and onions and green beans. This selection produced a gnarly scowl from our waitresses once smiling face. She placed our orders, returned to the table and the witty banter ensued. At some point, she received a text from a very, needy 16 year-old boy that we were informed was just one of 10 potential suitors.
The laughing and joking subsided a bit when she commented to Ethan that he must have a lot of boyfriends. Say what? We all heard it, laughed nervously and chose to brush it aside, but later on she broached the subject again, this time with all of us. She asked if any of us had boyfriends. I quickly said, I hadn't had a boyfriend for 18 years, since I left homosexuality behind. The scowl returned to her face, this time accompanied by a brow so furrowed it would have stifled even Joyce Meyers' plastic surgeon. She asked Ethan and Samuel if they had left homosexuality, too.
At this point I produced a business card so she could research Big Fish Ministry a bit. Ethan also produced a card for Revelation 12:11, his ministry. She asked about the card. I told her it would take her to my blog. It might help answer the questions her scrunched up face said she might have. She asked a few more questions like: "Have you stopped liking boys?" and "Have you started liking girls yet?" I explained how homosexuality developed in my life and she mumbled something and flitted off, never to return. It wasn't our goal to rock her world, but we had triggered an emotional "earthquake" of epic proportion.
Never being one to let an interaction like this go, I began to analyze and dissect the interaction. Questions ran wild in my mind: "Did we freak her out?", "Why was she more interested in chatting when she thought we were gay?", "Why hasn't the world heard stories like ours?", "What do we need to do in order share our testimonies on broader scope?"
The truth is, testimonies like ours are uncomfortable and odd. Churches steer clear of letting us share for fear of offending people. Heck, even at Donald Miller's Storyline Conference I just attended, a gay pastor was allowed to share his coming out story. When I questioned the conference organizer if the narrative of my story would be welcome, all I received was silence. More often than not, when we try to share our testimonies they are met with resistance. The world has been conditioned to accept and protect sin rather than taught to recognize sin in it's many forms according to scripture.
Knowledgeable, compassionate Christians and devout Christian men and women who have walked away from homosexuality should be establishing the churches dialogue on sex and sexuality. Justin Lee and Matthew Vines, two prominent false prophets of the gay Christian movement, should be called to repent by the Christian church at large, rather than having their twisted versions of the bible accepted into mainstream church culture. Satan is working through these men. The same way that satan comes as an angel of light, these smooth talkers are weaving a web of deception leading many churches into a "reformation" movement that will ultimately destroy and split the church.
As I sat there in those moments after our waitress left, I knew a few things very clearly. The course of my life and that of other men and women who have left homosexuality behind, is not determined by our attractions, past or present. The course of our lives is determined daily by our sacrifice to Jesus Christ. Also the fact that we believe God's word as it relates to homosexual sin. We lead lives as attacked by the gay community as the gay community believes the church attacks them. After 17 years of saying Yes to God and no to my homosexual desires, I can honestly say that my life and times are very different than they were when I took those first few trepidatious steps out of homosexuality and into God's arms.
God spoke a promise over me many years ago. It involved continually having one person after another say they felt like God wanted them to share Isaiah 61:1 with me. “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;” It was written as prophecy about Jesus and I am nowhere near Jesus status when it comes to this life. But, I know that God allowed all my hurts, hangups and struggles in life for such a time as this.
In the process of redeeming my life, God's Holy Spirit is working through me and He has anointed me to bring good news to those trapped in the same sin that held me captive for so many years. God has sent me to heal the brokenhearted with the good news and truth of the gospel to those who are willing to hear and contend with it. God has challenged me to proclaim freedom for those trapped in any kind of sinful pattern. He has given me authority to march into prisons of sexual sin everywhere that satan serves as warden, judge, jury and chief medical officer to release those bound up in the seductive poison of homosexual sin. I will live up to this calling and endure whatever persecution necessary to ensure that men who struggle with homosexuality hear the life giving word of the gospel.
This blog may not be popular with too many, but I choose to live according to my calling. Galatians 1:10 says “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.” Our greatest calling is to dispense grace and truth to those living without Jesus in equal measure. Our directives do not come from the vast, stifling, politically correct, worldly rhetoric of today's sin friendly culture, but from every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. The kind, deceptive pill of love the world serves will only prolong a person's agony until they die and enter eternity without God. If it is presented boldly and compassionately, the gospel is the only tool that will forever change and save the hearts of mankind.
Uncovering the Broken Boy
The world has been talking to me this week. A lot. Tonight I was out watering my blueberry plants, sporting the remnants of an ill conceived, Halloween costume, a tattered Hawaiian shirt, I wasn’t worried what the neighbors think. I make a concerted effort to let them believe that I am the crazy neighbor they shouldn’t mess with. As I stood there, like a deranged, mental asylum escapee, I was mentally rifling through conversations that had taken place over the past two weeks. I shared my story briefly at a small, country church. I had three minutes to cover 44 years. At the mention of homosexuality, all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I was transported back to my childhood church, where I knew better than to share my struggle. I left the church feeling rejected; kinda judged. I also left knowing how so many gay people feel about some churches in our nation today.
Juxtapose that event with a conversation I had with my unchurched, Jewish neighbor, who has a lot of gay friends. They asked about what I had been doing since I left Sea World. I shared everything, They surprised me by their understanding of what I do for ministry. Shouldn’t the understanding and interest have come from the church?
One of the other conversations I was privileged to have was with the first gentleman that ever graced the halls of Big Fish Ministry as a participant back in 2009. Our relationship has been rocky and often riddled with misunderstanding. That changed this week. We agreed to let God lead the conversations from here on out; to love each other better. Gratitude flowed.
I sat down with a 19 year old kid who lost someone close and calls me on occasion to chat, because I am not stranger to death and loss myself. We sat at a coffee shop and chatted. I am seeing huge growth in his life. I am seeing him peer out from behind the curtain of fear to claim the abundant LIFE that our great God has promised him. I am thanking God for letting me be used as a vessel for His love.
I got to chat with a talented artist who has some amazing abilities. He gifted me with some of his creative time to sit and chat. Three of the four conversations I had this week were with straight guys who have never had gay temptations. Yet, when we begin to chat their struggles resonated with mine. The Holy Spirit then pointed out that I don’t have a gay struggle, but simply a human struggle, similar to other guys on the planet. Can I tell you how freeing that is to a guy who felt “bad different” during his young life.
My healing journey with Jesus Christ is the proverbial onion people: layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece. God often reveals truth slowly to me, so that I don’t engage in sin & run away from the man He is shaping me into.
The conversation with the artist revealed a deep inner wound that I don’t think this guy has shared with too many. I asked his permission to share. He said Yes. That day, I felt like the Holy Spirit told me to title our time together was to be called “Uncovering the Broken Boys”. And it was funny, because for the rest of the week, that is exactly what the Holy Spirit did.
If it wasn’t me He was uncovering from the rubble, it was the person across the table from me. God is in the business of rescue missions, but He’s really good at search and recovery as well.
I had two more conversations that were polar opposites. One of the guys I mentor sold his computer, because it was leading him to connect sexually with other guys. The other guy kept making excuses about why he needed his phone or computer. He rationalized about keeping some gay friends while breaking it off with others. With both I offered experiential advice. The difference between the two was this. One guy readily surrendered the “poison” he’d been drinking daily, while the other just kept trying to “change the labels” on the bottles.
I made my best effort to take God into every conversation this week. I was only looking to help or connect, but God had other plans. I started a conversation with a lady at Wal-mart and ended up praying for her. Like Jesus back in the day, this week I was all about my Father’s business. I didn’t used to be that kind of man. I used to search for meaning and value in the arms and lives of the gay men I’d meet. What a redemptive work God has done. The bible says in Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” I found myself in a very different place with these folks. God’s opinion is where I lay my head for rest these days.
My final conversation was with a guy who had no idea who I was, but I knew who he was. He was a guy that had been sexually involved with a guy, while I was actively mentoring that guy. For some reason, God brought him back into my life. When I realized who this guy was, I just wanted to throat punch him, because of the trouble he had caused. I quickly realized though, it wasn’t anger I was feeling, but a mix of emotions. At night’s end, I settled near the corner of “Love him where he’s at and What are you doing God?”
Who are you talking to this week? Where are those conversations leading you? Is God stirring evangelism in your heart? Or is the enemy stirring horny in your loins? Are you tired of struggling with the same old stuff? Are you ready to give up because you feel you are all alone? My conversations led me to Jesus and healing. The bible says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
Let the conversations begin. Let healing flow.
Refuse to spend one more day in the prison of your silence.
Satan Attacks Gender and Marriage
I am not one to don the mask of 'Everything is JUST Fine,' as many in the church world do today. These last few months of ministry have been a real struggle. Finances are consistently tight. As God shapes and molds my character, the stretching heralds the beginning of a new season. I must continually remind myself that no matter how far the world slips away from Jesus, I made a commitment many years ago to be led by scripture and not by my feelings or my homosexual desires. As a rule, I keep an ear to the ground of the gay political scene. Recently, I saw an interesting quote from a gay activist. The quote was in response Kim Davis' incarceration. It read simply, "Don't they know that WE have redefined marriage." To some that may sound progressive and past due. To others, this may signal the coming Apocalypse. To me it demonstrates another example of our spiritual ignorance of God's ways. Man can redefine and has redefined just about every spiritual principle set forth in the bible. That doesn't mean that God has changed His mind. It simply means that us broken humans are getting better at disguising our sin with fancy rhetoric and political correctness. Man may have redefined marriage, but God hasn't and never will. Marriage was set forth by God way back in Genesis as the model of marriage relationships which are between a man and a woman. When God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, He created Eve as a complement to Adam. That was God's original design and throughout scripture He never saw fit to redefine the marriage covenant, because it was His perfect design. Man is responsible for redefining marriage long before now with divorce, adultery and polygamy. Gay marriage is not the only attack on marriage, it's simply the latest way that broken man has seen fit to alter God's original design. Bruce Jenner is not the Anti-Christ bent on redefining gender for all. He is simply the latest prominent face of man’s brokenness apart from Jesus and a small part of satan's all out attack on gender as God established us male and female in Genesis. Every foundational principle set forth in Genesis is under attack. Satan is trying to change the future by destroying the very foundation of Christian faith as set forth by God at creation. I walked away from homosexuality in 1998. It wasn't that long ago, but it was a simpler time. It was easier to share the testimony of leaving my gay life behind, without experiencing out and out hate from the gay community and Christians. In 1998, Christians weren't as deceived as they are today regarding homosexuality. What I find especially troubling is that the gay community thinks that with each legislative stroke of the pen they are winning victory after victory for equal rights. I have to ask, is it really a victory if God and His word are steadily erased from our lives altogether? If you are here looking for hope that there is freedom from homosexuality, then you have come to the right place. My story and others like it may not be welcome in the mainstream media, but God is still letting people hear our voices on blogs, websites and church stages who still preach and believe the word of God. Homosexuality was never my identity. My identity is in Jesus Christ. The only thing that needs redefining are broken lives with self and not Jesus as the focus.
I am encouraged by recent events of young people realizing that a gay life is a life of deception and sin. I recently had a conversation with a young gay man who says he is a Christian. He says he defines his life like this. He is gay until further notice. If God wants to do something about his sexuality, then God will. Gay until further notice is a statement of hope, because God is in the business of redeeming lives caught in the vortex of sin. God is not willing that any man should perish. I truly believe that God is ready and willing to redeem a gay identified generation from the clutches of sexual brokenness.
I love that we are a ministry that prays for the gay and ex-gay community. I love that God leads men to question not redefine broken sexuality every day. Thank you for praying with us as a ministry. Thank you for caring for your gay children and loved ones enough not to leave them in the hands of the enemy, but to go to battle in prayer for their redemption and release.