Matthew Aaron 3/27/13 Matthew Aaron 3/27/13

Divine Design or Secular Opinion.

As I pondered the events of yesterday's equality debates, I remembered my personal history with the gay marriage debate. In 1995 I was planning a commitment ceremony of my own with my partner. Gay marriage at that point was a rarity. My father was the only voice of Christian reason at that point. He counseled me not to go through with the ceremony as it wasn't in God's plan for me. At that very moment and for subsequent years after, I hated my father and labelled him ignorant. I couldn't see his point of view. It didn't make sense to me, because I was immersed and literally encapsulated in my sin. Years later, I applaud my father for having the guts to represent Jesus to me, while everyone else represented "love" and acceptance, thus signing my spiritual death certificate. The scripture that comes to mind is "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Proverbs 27:5, 6 NIV)As I see the red equals sign of solidarity go up all over Facebook, I am shocked by some people and not surprised by others. It saddens me for many reasons. I understand the pull of homosexuality all too well. I understand how it can seem genetic, because we've been conditioned as young boys by a society tainted with gay ideals. They force the ideal that we are to identify those feelings of being different than other boys to mean we are gay. I believe gay men were born sensitive, artistic and creative and then environmental and developmental factors further alienated these boys to take on a gay identity. Proverbs describes the gay life and the belief that it is genetic best. "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12 NIV). First, I want to be like Jesus to my gay community. He identified all forms of sexual expression outside the union of a man and a woman as sin. Jesus offers forgiveness and deliverance of sin. Second I want to be like my dad, who in the face of losing my respect, told me the truth of God's word. I'm not someone who was casually gay. I'm not in denial. I'm not wracked with self hatred. I have been delivered from homosexuality and its many promises of "freedom". I know the truth now. I knew it all along. It just took me a while to act. I know that gay marriage is more of a gateway to bondage than a gateway to freedom and equality. I can't "love" my gay friends like the rest of the world, because I have experienced the pitfalls that kind of "freedom" brings. I believe in equality for all people, but I won't stand by preserving my popularity,while good people stumble into satan's trap. "The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble. (Proverbs 4:18, 19 NIV). I have to stand before God and account for my action or inaction. You don't get in the water and console a drowning victim until they perish, so as not to offend them by saying they can't swim. You perform a rescue. There are people in the gay community in need of prayer and rescue, not mind boggling, sin enabling "love". And remember Christians, know your enemy. It's satan. Not the gay community.

Matthew Aaron 3/18/13 Matthew Aaron 3/18/13

Tolerance; a One Way Street

That’s it. I am going to stop clicking on news headlines with the word "gay" in it. There is never any balanced information. The elements of the story are always the same: Gay victim, Christian oppressors, love not hate, bigot, gay rights, blah, blah, blah. Where are the stories representing the truth of the opposing views? When I was younger, I was hard pressed to find any mention of the word on TV. Online wasn’t even a worry at that point. I think that kept me insulated and isolated from the hands of satan. But satan has his tentacles in every aspect of today's culture. You can't flip on the TV without every other sentence referencing some LGBT tragedy or triumph in some form or fashion.

I have a friend who was a gay activist for many years. As I have watched the climate of the gay agenda seek to crush anyone with a differing opinion, I began to formulate an idea of what they are up to. It would appear that they are no longer just fighting for equality, but cultural domination. When I posed this question to my friend, He confirmed it. The gay agenda is fighting to elevate their beliefs and ideals to the forefront of society. They are seeking to redefine marriage as well as monogamy. I read two different articles on how the gay community is redefining the word monogamy to monogamish and serial monogamy. The effort is seems is to establish a “new world religion”. When it comes to all things LGBT, tolerance is a one-way street.

Even more disconcerting is the indoctrination of younger and younger children into the belief that gay relationships are as acceptable and equivalent to heterosexual relationships. Instead of teaching kids the principles of God ordained marriage and allowing them to have a choice to choose between right and wrong, they are simply spoon fed LGBT biased information. Heterosexuality does not guarantee purity and harmony in relationship, but it is the only template that God set forth for marriage. “For this reason, a man will leave his mother and father and cling to his wife,” not his husband.

As I was reading this morning, I felt like the following four scriptures from my reading are to be the theme of our lives as men who once called the gay community home. If we claim to be Christians, pornography and masturbation are no longer to be our stress relief. Don’t reach for your penis when the going gets tough. Reach for the comfort of the Holy Spirit and your relationship with Jesus. (Galatians 4:9). This level of purity must extend to our heterosexual brothers as well. We need you guys in our lives, as models, friends and confidantes in the fight. Establishing a relationship with a guy who has never struggled with SSA can be extremely intimidating, but very healing if you press past the fear. Start praying today for God to bring Christian men into your lives. Remember, God must be your everything, before anyone else can be your anything.

Galatians 4:9 But now after you have known God, or rather are known by God, how is it that you turn again to the weak and beggarly elements, to which you desire again to be in bondage?

Galatians 5:16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

1 Corinthians 6:19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.2 Corinthians 7:1 Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

2 Corinthians 7:1 Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

A prayer: Heavenly Father, I ask for your protection for the LGBT community. I ask that every scripture reference that any of them have ever heard would be used by the Holy Spirit to draw them back to your loving arms. I pray that the injustices that are heaped upon them would cease. I pray for an end to violence where it seems to be the answer. I also pray that they would turn from their wicked ways. I pray that you would lead them to the cross with the truth. Lord let Christians see that this is not a fight against the LGBT community. It is a fight against satan and all the forces of Hell. I pray for the salvation of many. I ask that you would protect young men from predatory older men. I pray that boys searching for a daddy would find a loving Father instead. Lead them, guide them, love them Lord. Rescue them in Jesus name.

Amen

Matthew Aaron 3/17/13 Matthew Aaron 3/17/13

Low Calorie Snack

Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus.

Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus.

my fear

Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus. Light of Jesus.

In the Light of Jesus, my fear seems inconsequential.

Matthew Aaron 3/15/13 Matthew Aaron 3/15/13

Cue the Carpenter

I grew up always feeling like the outsider. Sometimes I put myself there. Sometimes others put me there. Sometimes I would put myself there before others could put me there. Regardless, I always had the desire to be an insider. I was awkward, nerdy, smart and non sporty. I didn't fit into the world of men. My father and brother were in an emotionally dependent relationship that excluded me for decades. No matter how much I tried to enter the world of men, every entrance was blocked. It was painful and isolating. So I simply stopped trying to enter the arena where masculinity was forged and set up shop just outside. If they didn't want me, I didn't want them either. Or so I tried to convince myself.

When my father did eventually venture into my kingdom I had established a life without him. I considered his presence an interruption in the daily ebb and flow of my life. My resistance was met with his resistance and a lifetime struggle for dominance began. I moved the boundary lines of my kingdom further away to prevent further intrusion. Deep down I longed for a connection to other men. Men I hoped would never hurt me the way other men had.

My first straight friend in college was a pilot who had grown up without a father. We were the same age, but he was rough and tumbled and always grabbed life by the b...well he lived more dangerously than I did. His name was Shawn. Shawn gave me hope that there were men out there who would accept me. I flew all over Oklahoma with him. We planned to room together the next semester at OK state. Shawn didn’t return to school. I was devastated. I felt abandoned by another man. This was the first of many lessons I would learn. People will always come in and out of your life. You can’t control it. It is best just to flow with it. Change is the norm.

Year after year, the elusive straight guy relationship never materialized. I substituted gay relationships. I had to compromise my beliefs, but I still eeked out some connection with masculinity. God was forever working to show me that I had a place in the world of men. Some 10 years later, God used the last guy I dated to show me there was still hope for my desire to connect with men in the right way. The level of intimacy would obviously be different than what I was used to, but God has ordained a place for me in the world of men. It was my hope of being accepted by other men that had faded, not my desire.

Slowly but surely God used all kinds of guys to mold me and shape me into the man I am today. Over the past three days I helped my roommate, who happens to be a general contractor, build the inside of a McDonald's Restaurant. I went into the experience fearful about being the least knowledgeable of the four people on the job. God quickly packed in the experience. It was hard labor, but it was also healing to my masculine soul in so many ways. It was the simple camaraderie combined with the feeling of belonging in a man's world that made it worthwhile. This entire weekend was a billboard for Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." At one point, one of the carpenters on the job gave me one of his carpentry pencils to mark the boards I was cutting. It was a simple gesture, but the heart of a rejected little boy rejoiced. It wasn’t the pencil I will cherish. It was the simple act of kindness that sparked hope and destroyed the lies of the enemy in my life.

Forever, I have pictured myself a bumbling fool around adult men. I feel like they know there is an impostor in their midst. Yet all my efforts this weekend can be summed up in the praise and encouragement I received from my roommate, my friend.

“I have faith in your ability and readiness to learn. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“You are amazing and you don’t even know it.”

And last, “You don’t understand who you are.”

He was right. Most days I don’t understand who I am. That is when I have to shut out the world, get into the word and read Psalm 139 for the 91^st time. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. All of God’s works are wonderful.

How beautifully poetic that God would send yet another carpenter into my life to leave an indelible mark of hope and restoration.

Matthew Aaron 3/14/13 Matthew Aaron 3/14/13

Another One Bites the Dust

Well it's 3 am and I just got back from an out of town trip. On my drive home, I was texted by a friend to ask if I had heard that a friend of ours who at one point was once walking out of the gay life, has now come out as gay. My friend was sad for obvious reasons. I was sad as well, but I have seen this before. Last year, 3 of the guys that I was mentoring decided that being gay suited them better. I am used to one here and there, but three all at once was enough to shut me down for a few months. God and I had a lot of long talks. Well after a long silent treatment from me, which did absolutely no good. Anyway. I was able to share with my friend, a few of the sentiments I am about to share with you.

During the last six months of my gay life, I called up my very first boyfriend. I don't know what I was looking for, but I felt the need to chat. I was surprised where the conversation went. He had apparently found Jesus and was going to church. This was the same guy that I mentioned in an earlier post who was interested in Electro Shock Therapy to get rid of his homosexual desires. When I heard that he was walking away from homosexuality, I was jealous. I was supposed to be doing that myself. I just hadn't put any action to my thoughts. That random conversation, not random in God's eyes, is one of the reasons I decided to walk away from homosexuality in 1998.

Fast Forward. I have been walking this walk for almost 14 years. Not only have I seen guys attempt the same walk and then give up, I have seen some key figures in my life fall back into their sin. Bret, my first boyfriend eventually went back into homosexuality. I found out years later that my first leader at an Ex-gay ministry back in 2001 decided this walk wasn't for him either. These were men I looked up to. I took the hits hard, but in the end, it didn't sway me from the truth. I may have been encouraged to start my walk in freedom by another guy, but the walk became possible and is still possible today because of my faith in Jesus Christ.

Men will always let us down. They don't always mean to, but sometimes as men who struggle with certain aspects of Same Sex Attraction or SSA, we put good men on pedestals. When those men fall, no matter how big or how small, it's always big to us. We have to remember. God didn't place any man in our life to be our soul source of emotional or physical support. God wants to be our one and only. Any good, Christian man will tell you early on, he has faults and he should also lead you to the faultless one.

My father has been one of those men that has disappointed me. God gave me a vision once of me and my dad walking to the edge of the universe. At some point along the journey, my dad stops walking and stands still. I had two choices: stop as well or keep walking. God told me to keep walking. Those first few steps were fearful, awkward and labored. I felt like I was betraying my dad. He wasn't saying a word to me, but I knew I must keep walking. What God showed me about the dream was that the "edge of the universe" was the limit of what my father knew about God. My father, having taught me all he knew, was symbolically stuck there at the edge of his knowledge. God was calling me deeper, but I was afraid of going by myself. I have been afraid of doing stuff by myself for most of my life. I have also not wanted to go it alone most days.

My mentors that fell back into their gay lives and my father's expansive, but limited knowledge of God, took me to the exact place that God wanted me to be. God used those people in order to move my heart and shape my life. My Christian faith is rooted and grounded in my relationship with Jesus Christ. People will come and go my friends. And to quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, "Most of 'em shock the hell outta me." If we cling to them, we ride every emotional roller coaster of every person we elect to be our "god". If we cling to God we will not be blown by the winds of change or the flood of emotion. We will be held in the arms of his grace and peace.

Who are you living your life for today? The people who inspire you or the God who desires you?

Matthew Aaron 3/9/13 Matthew Aaron 3/9/13

Porn Star Eviction

On January 1st I published a blog called “Risky Business”. I shared MY 35 year pornography addiction. It’s two months later and things are going well. Is my addiction gone? Am I temptation free? Well…it’s complicated. As long as I am alive I will struggle with something. Pride and Anger have yet to ride off into the distance of my emotional landscape. I have enjoyed a couple months of freedom from pornography and masturbation. My addiction has been surrendered to Christ, but satan still tempts me with aspects of SSA that have very little to do with sex and more to do with satan attacking the very foundation of masculinity in my life. My saving grace has been consistent, daily bible reading and prayer. Yeah, who knew? Long gone are the sad pitiful “end of the day”, after you brush your teeth, right before you fall asleep “devotions” of my past. This was time set aside specifically for God. After all, some days I gave porn 4-6 hours. Why not give God a few moments in my day. Every bible teacher, mentor and Christian friend I have ever known has told me to read the word. I heard them, but I never HEARD them. I began to see my need to for daily interactions with God’s word. I would never miss a physical meal, yet my spiritual man was starved and frail from lack of nourishment. God finally allowed me to experience the weight of my sin.

Matthew 5:28 “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Cue the ‘punch to the gut’. This verse haunted me. I left homosexuality behind 13 years ago. Exactly 3 years more than I lived as a gay man. Yet, every time I masturbated to pornographic images, I had committed adultery in God’s eyes. I could be okay with that and call myself a Christian. The world says that pornography hurts no one. I don’t live according to popular opinion. My God calls it adultery. Therefore, we had a problem. I shared my problem to bring my own darkness into the light. It was an act of obedience to God rather than a confession.com moment.

Hebrews 4:13 “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

Psalm 32:3 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”

Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

After writing Risky Business, something broke in my spirit. That level of confession catapulted me to a new level in my Christian walk. I didn’t care who read my words. God is responsible for my promotion and livelihood, not man. I needed to be the kind of pastor that stands before my students and my enemies honest, open and blameless, willing to admit my struggles, before they become everyone else’s stumbling block.

Are you stuck in a downward spiral my friend? No matter your sexuality, do you live a secret life in porn? Jesus can indeed break your chains and bring peace and freedom to areas of your life that seem hopeless. The bible says that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. I believe that has dual meanings. If you are a Christian living under constant condemnation from the enemy, free yourself today. Confess your faults to a pastor, a Christian counselor or a Christian friend. Don’t let the enemy steal one more moment of the life that God designed for you and Him.

Matthew Aaron 3/2/13 Matthew Aaron 3/2/13

Cufflinks, Tie, Jesus

In a few short weeks I will be embarking on a new journey. After many years of telling Jesus I love him and I will follow him, I am doing it. Jumping in with both feet. The crux of this blog is to represent the truth about homosexuality as I see it and most importantly as I lived it. Over the last year I have seen the emergence in various media outlets of gay “Christians”. These are individuals who believe that homosexual desires are not sinful in and of themselves. They have even gone to the point of defaming Jesus in the process by saying that He never spoke out on the issue of homosexuality. While it is true that Jesus never said the phrase, “Homosexuality is wrong.” He did address all forms of sexuality other than the God designed one man and one woman model.

Matthew 15:18-20 But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ 19 out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what make a man ‘unclean’… When Jesus speaks of sexual immorality and adultery, he is covering all sexual relationships outside the union of a man and woman, which was God’s design from the beginning.

Yesterday I was emailed the link to a young man’s website who conducted an extensive, yearlong, research study on how the bible never says that having homosexual desires is a sin. I think about how connected to God he would have been if he had instead spent that year as I did, getting to know the personage of Jesus Christ.

In 1999 I separated myself away from everything I knew. I was beat and tired after having lived 10 years as a gay man. I left Christians and gays behind in order to put myself in the Holy Spirit Hospital. If I had spent that entire year trying to justify my homosexual desires instead of trying to find the roots and causes of them, I would have wasted another year of my life.

We are not to live our lives with our sexual desires as the focus. Jesus is not an accessory. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. The bible may never identify homosexual desires as a sin, but if we call ourselves Christians or Christ like, aren’t we supposed to deny ourselves daily and pick up our cross and follow Jesus. Mark 8:34 "When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, 'Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me."

This blog is not to bash gay Christians, only to bring light to the darkness. I, too, was deceived like my friends in the gay Christian community. I lived every day professing Christ, knowing full well that he was asking me to surrender my whole life to Him. I also knew that though I felt I was born gay, that the inner call of the Holy Spirit was such that I knew that homosexuality was not God’s plan for me. I held one hand out to embrace Christ, but held the other behind my back tightly clutching my homosexuality. As a Christian, you owe the real, life humans of the gay community your prayers. Don’t pray that they become straight. Has straight ensured that you are issue free? Pray that every man and woman of the LGBT community would come to know Jesus Christ in an intimate way. Pray that they would surrender every aspect of their lives to Jesus. Pray that his transforming power could restore to them a life stolen from them at birth. The bible says that the truth will set us free. Don’t they deserve the freedom that you and I take for granted with every single, unworthy, unappreciative breath we steal from God.

I called the gay community home for 10 years. In some ways the gay community is more loving than any church I have attended. They understand brokenness. They understand rejection. They are also dying every day and entering into eternity without Jesus. Is Jesus a gift that you selfishly hoarde? Or is Jesus the most precious gift you have to offer to the world? Like it or not, satan has established his kingdom in the hearts of the gay community. Let us pray for life altering revival to flood their ranks. Let Jesus be victorious in their lives today.

Matthew Aaron 2/26/13 Matthew Aaron 2/26/13

The End is Now The Beginning

Wayne Henderson, my high school science teacher introduced me to Jane Goodall's world of Chimpanzees via video tape. Later in college I actually met Miss Goodall. I chatted with her for 20 minutes, speaking 800 wpm and at the end of our conversation, she took out a post card bearing a her picture and wrote a small note to me. “Follow your dreams”, it said. It would be several years later that I would step onto the Killer Whale Stage at Sea World Orlando and indeed begin to do just that. When I began training for the Sea World swim test, all I could think about was swimming with Killer Whales. I prayed about it. I talked about it. God was so gracious. I spent the first four months of my career at Shamu Stadium. My first challenge was to dive to the bottom of Shamu Stadium’s front pool, 36 feet to earn my trainer’s whistle. It was one of the most terrifying feats I had ever attempted. I practiced for weeks. I called people back home for prayer. Eventually, I made it. Then I got moved from Killer Whale to Sea lion and Otter Stadium. Swimming with Killer Whales would be another three years away, but I never lost sight of the goal. I was simply honing other skills necessary to succeeding when I would return to Shamu Stadium.

And return I did. 22 months later, my time at Sealion came to an end. Back at Shamu Stadium I was closer to making my dream a reality. Month after month, I was learning the show roles and Killer Whale Behaviors. The day came when I was put on the water work team of one of our most experienced whales. 14 years of waiting had culminated into that first amazing day in the water. With all the senior trainers gathered around and my friend Dawn snapping photos, I climbed aboard a Killer Whale for the first time. I was so excited it didn’t really sink in that I was actually in the water with a Killer Whale. There were a million eyes on me at the time, but I was alone with my whale in the middle of a dream. Months later my father would be watching the video and celebrating along with me.

A short while after that I was moved back to the Sealion show. As God often does in prayer, He posed the following question to me. “What are you going to do now that you have accomplished your dream?” I hadn’t given it much thought. Over the next few months, years and moments in between, God began to place a new dream in my heart.

Luke 12:48 says “…From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” I believe God honored my dream to swim with Killer Whales, because in many ways I honored him with my life. I believe he also had a higher purpose for my time at Sea World. You see, as I was training to pass the swim test at Shamu Stadium, I was also beginning the process of walking away from homosexuality. I had struggled with homosexual desires from a very young age. The entire year of 1999, I was swimming, reading the bible, praying and submitting.

When I moved to Orlando in 2000, a lot of interesting things happened. Exodus International relocated from Seattle to Orlando. The very next year, I would begin a two-year stint as the Emcee of their national freedom conference using skills I had learned on stage at Sea World. God brought a troubled teen into my life named JD, as well. Myself and another trainer met him when he was 14. He would come to Sea World and do his homework in the bleachers at Shamu Stadium. We heard that he had a pretty bad home life, so we used our position of influence to impact his life. JD was the first young man with whom I ever shared my testimony of “coming out of homosexuality”. He also struggled with homosexuality. I mentored him for a number of years, before he decided to embrace a homosexual identity.

In many ways, I saw it as a ministry failure. Right out of the gate, I witnessed to someone. I shared my life, my very heart and they rejected the truth, but I felt it was a rejection of me. I had a lot to learn. I don’t see it as a failure any more. JD is now a young man in his late 20’s. He still calls me “Big Brother”. He is still gay. I respect his walk, though because he has had to work hard for everything he has. I am very proud of him. I still wish that he would follow in the footsteps of my story of redemption, but I love him regardless.

It’s 2013. 15 years after I began my Sea World career. Here I am. Finally, giving place to that question that God asked me so long ago. “What are you going to do…?” God helped me accomplish some amazing things that many people only talk about. My dream was a great dream for a child. Now God is calling me to something else. The dream He has for me. A dream where the purpose, passion and plight of my past culminate into a rescue mission for men trapped in homosexuality. I have been given so many great gifts from my Father, that I see no greater path than to submit my life in service to the needs of others.

Matthew Aaron 2/21/13 Matthew Aaron 2/21/13

Turn It Up

A word of caution before you read this. I wrote this the other day. It is not the pretty, feel-good blog that you may be used to reading from me. I am not apologizing; I am simply preparing you for what you are about to read. Honestly folks, the walk out of homosexuality ain’t no cakewalk. It is a walk filled with moments of sheer amazement littered with days of “do I even know Jesus”. If all I ever wrote about were triumphs, then I would be painting you unattainable picture of perfection. I gotta share my failures, my doubts and my ugly moments my friends. Just know this. No matter what you read from me, at the end of day I know that God is in control and I place my life in his hands.

February 16, 2013

Sometimes no matter how loud you turn up the music, it can't chase away the demons that still taunt me with my past. The ‘demons’ still resident in my head seem to dig their claws in deeper. If I had any idea what you wanted me to surrender I'd reach inside and excise it myself. That option has got to be a lot less painful than letting you stick me in a glass case to marinate in my pain much to your voyeuristic enjoyment. I don't know what you want from me. If I did at this point after the way you've manipulated me, I'm not sure that I'd acquiesce to your request. I am in pain here. I feel like I'm caught between discovering the biggest breakthrough I've ever had in my life and the pain relief of suicide. I read about you in your word and I wonder if the God I read about and the God of my life are one and the same. I don't want you to reveal truth to me, because I am at the end of my rope. I want you to reveal truth to me, because you love me and at one point had called me into your service. Oh cruel master. You called me at the time of my greatest spiritual damage. You allowed the world to wreak havoc on my life and then at the point when I was so emotionally scarred that I developed an entirely different life to manage my pain, you came down to rescue me. Too late. I am at your mercy. I am always at your mercy. I watch others no greater than myself celebrate the spoils at the end of my rainbow. I feel like you keep me weak enough so that I have only enough strength to beg for crumbs just beyond the reach of your banquet table. I am chased from your presence by the very force that calls me into your presence. I fear you. I hate you. I am so confused by you. Why do you lead me astray?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”—Proverbs 3:5-6

Matthew Aaron 2/18/13 Matthew Aaron 2/18/13

Branded Soul

When I was a young man in the midst of my homosexual struggles and my dysfunctional family, I made a silent vow. I pledged that, if I could help it, “no one would ever hurt like I hurt”. It was my way of rationalizing all the childhood trauma of early sexualization and emotional neglect God allowed into my life. It wasn’t a flippant statement. The branding iron of pain left an indelible mark on my soul. Jesus eventually healed the hurt and the Holy Spirit soothed my pain, but the scars remained; reminders of my promise, a vow made in the fiery furnaces of my personal hell.

Over the past few days God has brought two guys struggling with Same Sex Attraction into our lives. Back in the day, when my own struggle led me from one relationship to another, I would have used these men to meet my own needs and led two souls further astray. When I sit across the table from a man with SSA these days, God allows me to see the guy through His eyes. The stories I hear on a weekly basis break my heart anew. The stories aren’t new or unique. They are often simply the rehashed schemes of satan. he has been using them for years to convince men and women who struggle with SSA that they are indeed “different”, “born that way” or “gifted by God with a unique sexuality”. Gaga and the gay agenda may have the masses by the throat, but on occasion God allows one or two to slip through the cracks and make their way out of bondage. That is where our ministry steps in.

Jesus Christ followed me all the while I was building a kingdom around my sexuality. He put up with me as I profaned his name as a “gay Christian”. Ultimately, in January of 1999, after two months of rampant pornography use the Holy Spirit posed the following question to me, “How can you call yourself a gay Christian? I see plenty of gay, but not a lot of Christian. “ That was the turning point for me. I knew it was true. I was a gay Christian in name only. In my heart I knew I was both. I also knew that both wasn’t possible or biblical. I surrendered my life and my sexuality at that point. One night in my bedroom just me and God.

In a sense, Jesus saved my life that day and the lives of every man I would have potentially slept with or led astray with my skewed biblical ideas. The only modifier that should precede the word Christian in our lives is ‘devout’ or ‘soldout’. Any other prefix stifles our responsibility to surrender and submit every sinful aspect of our life to the Perfect Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. At the end of the day, my identity is not in my sexuality, it is in Jesus Christ.

My surrender brought about one of the loneliest, most amazing years of my Christian walk. I had spent ten years in the gay life programming every second of every waking moment with activity in an effort to block out the whispers of God. Ten years later, out of sheer exhaustion, I collapsed on to my bed, broke and spent. My ex boyfriend told me he thought I might be depressed. Ah depression, one of the many side effects of running from God.

An active sense of pride in our world today occludes the pathway to Jesus. Day after day, we maintain the perimeter fences surrounding our darkened hearts. We grieve the Holy Spirit who was sent to be our comforter, not our referee. Surrender and submit my weary travelers. The battle you are fighting has no meaning and no end. Jesus Christ came so that you could have life and life more abundantly. The bible says it best in Romans 10:13 “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

Matthew Aaron 2/11/13 Matthew Aaron 2/11/13

Abandoned. Never Alone.

When I began this blog, I felt like God was calling me to be real person working out his real struggles in the presence of a real God. To throw a rescue rope into the vast ocean that many people are drowning in. While I am enjoying freedom in many areas of my struggle, God is still busy excavating the cerebral, trash heaps in my head. Lately, he has been pointing his finger at an area of emotional dependency rooted in abandonment issues that have plagued me since childhood. This blog is about to get as real as I can without an NC-17 rating. I am not trying to entice or excite. However, my abandonment issues are hopelessly swaddled in the sordid sexual experimentation of my youth. I have moments when I wish this were someone else’s story. I refuse to spend my days wishing for a cleaner, less humiliating past. My tragic past is the only reason I know Jesus Christ as my savior.

I have been lonely a lot. Fear and low self-esteem have kept from establishing relationships. At any one time, my life has consisted of many acquaintances and one or two deep friendships. One symptom of my abandonment issues is huge insecurities in my close friendships with straight guys. They are so rare to me that I guard them like a rabid Pit bull. I’m very possessive. That’s when having only one or two close relationships becomes a liability. It’s an “Emotional eggs all in one basket” scenario, especially if I have invested heavily into the relationship. If anything changes, I begin to execute a series of habitual, almost reflexive maneuvers to prevent relationship failure. Before I know it I can be knee deep in the fire of emotional dependency. Then fear of Emotional dependency keeps me making new friendships. I believe this is fallout from my same sex attractions. I am currently talking with two other SSA strugglers who are dealing with the same issues.

You might have to read this blog twice. It is random and convoluted. I am just now beginning to unpack it myself. Writing this simply was like trying to stack water droplets.

The roots of my abandonment go back to my childhood. My connection with mom and other women in my life was strong. The connection with the men in my life, my father and brother, was not always positive. I know there was a point where my relationship with my dad was important to me. As I grew older, a rift began to appear and one day my father was no longer emotionally available. He became a staunch disciplinarian. My connection with my brother, from the age of six, was tainted with pornography and masturbation. My first real intimate connection with my brother was when he introduced me to porn. I learned how to masturbate by watching him. The stage was set for big issues to ensue.

My brother was molested at the age of 13. Sometime after, my father and my brother disappeared from the window of my life and a cousin took their place. My cousin was a year or two older. Our connection involved a lot of sexual experimentation for a number of years. I connected with him on an intimate basis. We would spend the night at one another’s house and hang out together. I remember always hoping that we would get some time alone to experiment once again. Our last interaction left a huge void in my life. It was the summer before our 8th grade year. The experimentation finally went to the level of intercourse. We started and ended up stopping. We were both still aroused, so we decided to finish with oral sex. He promised if I performed oral sex on him, that he would reciprocate. When he was finished, he got dressed and started to leave. I freaked out. I reminded him of his promise. He didn’t care. It was a trick he had played on me before. I always relented. I enjoyed the interaction. Towards the end of our time together, he had gotten to the point of “take or leave it”. He was never as interested in touching me as I was him. That was a terrible day for me. Not only was it our last interaction, he said some hurtful things. I remember pursuing him out of our house, pulling at his clothes with desperation in my voice as I begged and pleaded for reciprocation. He kept walking. He told me that we were too old to do this anymore, we were almost in 8th grade and people would call us queers.

A lot happened in my head that day. I felt used. I felt inferior. I wondered how in the world he could turn off his feelings so easily. My desire to be with him sexually pervaded my every thought. It was a turning point in our relationship. He went on to become the super stud jock of our class. I went on to suffer in silence as the effeminate, smart kid with secret same sex attractions. Abandonment took root that day. I would be plagued with it for years. I was the guy who desperately needed the companionship of other guys in my life. It seems like every guy on the planet could give two shits about relationships. That served to further alienate me from my peers. I felt like a being from another world. I was forced to establish fantasy relationships with the guys in pornography, while the real emotional connection side of my life died inside my heart. Instead of living life in the real world where interactions with guys always ended in pain, I retreated to a fantasy world where I got a false sense of intimacy with guys “like me”. Disconnected from real men and lost a world of pornography and masturbation, the seeds of abandonment gave way to the roots of homosexuality.

All it would have taken was an interested, compassionate, straight man to model my life after and my fate would have been different. The call was instead answered by my uncle, a man who was soft spoken, kind and compassionate and interested in the things I liked. He just so happened to be gay. His interest led me to believe things about myself that I might not have believed otherwise.

The first guy I had sex with in college further enhanced my sense of abandonment. We used to have long talks about our gay desires. He was going to have electro shock therapy that summer in order to rid himself of the desires. That would be amazing to be free of the feelings I thought. A few weeks after we met, I realized that we never had sex unless he was drinking. Drinking was his mental anesthetic. We interacted for the last time on Good Friday of 1990. I knew I was going to hell for having sex on the anniversary of Christ’s crucifixion. The dynamics of our relationship weren’t much different than the relationship I had with my cousin. Bret was only in it for the sex. Once that was over, he was done. On that Friday, he was sober. In the middle of our interaction he told me that he felt stupid. What I perceived him to say was “You are stupid.” Not exactly the words you want to hear in that situation. We finished and parted ways. That was the last time I heard from him that semester. He simply cut me out of his life. I would see him on campus. He would completely ignore me. In a moment, the relationship was over. I was left feeling that I was at fault. I spent an entire summer wondering what I did and longing for the connection we’d had.

At the start of the next semester, Bret called me out of the blue. He said he was sorry. He said that he wanted things to be the way that they were. Any person in their right mind would have told him what he could do with his wants and wishes. I was not that person. I was the shy, fragile, broken, little boy in desperate need for connection. I chewed him out for a bit. Then got in my car and went to his apartment. Nothing happened, but it left the door open for future sexual connections.

Abandonment was now in full bloom. I continued to date guys, but I learned to keep my emotions locked up to avoid getting hurt. When it came to sex, it was a get in, get what I needed and get out mentality. I hurt a lot of guys that way. Many wanted long-term relationships. I couldn’t allow my heart to be damaged yet again.

Fast forward to modern day Matthew Walker. I began my walk away from homosexuality 14 years ago. God has brought healing and trauma care to my broken places. The Abandonment issue is something that God has started to put his finger on. For me emotional dependency and abandonment seem to go hand in hand. Although I know the roots of my abandonment, it seems to sneak up on me. One of my symptoms was to hold back emotionally from people or only give as much as they seem wiling to invest. Micromanaged relationships left me emotionally compromised.

God shed some light onto my wounding one night, while watching a movie with my roommate. Halfway through the movie, he got up and went to bed. I thought he would be back. When I realized I had been left alone, a huge hurt and abandonment reaction triggered. Did he owe me a courtesy, “See ya”? Maybe? Whether he did or not, it didn’t warrant the level of emotion I was feeling. Red flag. The same situation happened again. My emotions flared up. I was beginning to see a pattern. Over the next few weeks, God began to let people cancel appointments on me. I was livid at first. Then I realized that God was doing two things. He was purposefully clearing my calendar, so he could have my attention. He was also ridding me of the Pride that was taking root in my heart. Every time someone cancelled, my reaction was always the same, “My time is important. How rude! How dare they treat me with such disrespect.” God had a field day with that one.

“You make appointments and promises to spend time with Me all the time,” he said. “It doesn’t bother you to break them.” My take away? God is in control, Of Everything. If I won’t make time for Him, he will make time. People will make and break appointments all the time. I had to see it as part of his plan instead of an all out massive attack on Matthew Walker. I stopped letting the enemy frame every bad thing in my life as an attack or reason to be offended.

Abandonment is still a constant struggle. I react badly. I plot and plan elaborate schemes to prevent getting hurt. I pull away from my friends. I know the roots. I know that not every straight man is rough and tumbled and scared of my past. God is bigger than my issues. If Jesus Christ is my constant, then the random exits and entries of men in and out of my life aren’t a big deal.

God is faithful through all of this. This isn’t the first root of trauma in my life. It won’t be the last. God sees them all. He always knows when and where to perform the much-needed surgery.

Matthew Aaron 2/10/13 Matthew Aaron 2/10/13

Auto Pilot Kid

I was traveling down I-4 the other day, which some have termed the original Highway to Hell, and I looked up and saw the above message scrawled across the sky. Naturally I posted it on my Facebook wall. One of my friends wrote back that he hoped I had not taken it literally as I was traveling at speeds of 60-70 mph. At any rate, the Holy Smoke writer gave me cause to pause and realize that this is a direction we all must take on a daily basis. Every day as the world and the enemy of our soul seeks to throw us off course, we gotta grab the wheel and turn our hearts and minds back on course. The airplane reminded me of the secret nickname my father had for me as a boy. My father and I were never close. My brother was molested when he was 13 and I was 6. This event took my dad's eyes off of me and put them on my brother. In a sense I was forced to go through some key developmental years without the emotional connection with my father. It seemed the only thing my dad was interested in teaching me was about church. I hated church, so this further weakened our relationship. My dad was so focused on my brother for a few reasons. After my brother's molestation, he began acting out in behavioral and sexual ways. At one point he told me he began having sex with girls to prove to himself that he wasn't gay. Since my brother was always in trouble, my father was constantly focused on him. I was a good kid, so my father believed that I didn't need a lot of maintenance. His nickname for me was "The Auto Pilot Kid". I never knew this. I simply thought my father loved my brother, more than he loved me. My father would discipline me more strictly than he did my brother. This was my father's way of keeping me from ending up like my brother, but it further widened the gap between us. I felt targeted by my dad. My father was also hands off with me, because I had an overbearing mother. He told me later in life that he wanted to do stuff with me, but he didn't want to argue and try to wrestle me away from my mom. He didn't know that I wanted to hang out with him. He said I seemed happier with my mom. It was also easier to let her have her way. I remember when he told me this that my exact thought was that "I was a sacrifice on the altar of my dad's sanity." If he gave me up, his life with his wife was easier. That is still an image that troubles me.

As my father and brother seemed to me to have a greater relationship than my father and I did, it killed me emotionally. If I couldn't have a relationship with dad, then I didn't want one. Or at least that is what I made myself believe. They call this defensive detachment. It was then my goal to sabotage the relationship between my father and my brother. I pointed out every mistake my brother made. I tried to make my father feel bad for loving him more. I had this terrible, growing hatred for my father. I tried to say mean things and make fun of him every chance I got.

My mom didn't help with our relationship. She knew I needed a father influence in my life, so oftentimes she would push me to relate with him. More often than not though, she would talk about him behind his back. Bad mouth him to my brother and I and take me and move to her mother's house for weeks at a time when they would fight. One time on vacation she got so mad at dad that she waited for him to get out and ask for directions and she climbed into the drivers seat, drove off and left him two states away. My mom always defied my dad's authority in my life. I never respected him, one, because she didn't and two because I felt if he didn't love me then I didn't owe him anything.

I spent many years establishing a life on my own without any relationship with my dad. So years later when he tried to insert himself into my life, I was like, "Who are you? and Why are you bothering me?" That was met with resistance on his part. When my brother moved out, my father could focus on me. He was more of a disciplinarian than a father to me. I had grown up with him in the house, but not in my life. I hated him. I hated his God. I hated religion. I distanced myself from every man in my life for many reasons. By doing that, I took myself out of the arena of manhood. There was no one to teach me how to become a man. No one to model my life after.

My absent father wound led to the development of homosexual desires in my life. I grew up with men, but we are created by God to need men as men. After leaving home, I spent the next ten years of my life looking for the acceptance and love of men, because of the deficits of my childhood. The only problem is that those relationships were a mixture of emotional neediness and rampant sexuality. I conducted a futile search for a father and a brother and a friend in a group of men who had been wounded as deeply as me.

It wasn't until ten years later that God led me to a male friend who loved me right where I was. He used that friendship to walk me out of homosexuality and back into a relationship with my father. My father has always been emotionally dependent on my brother, but there was more that God wanted to teach me through my father. My father and I have a good relationship these days. It could always use work. As I work on it, my healing grows.

I was able to talk to my father one night about my childhood. He assured me that he loved me as much as he loved my brother. He didn't make excuses for his behavior, but he did apologize and ask for forgiveness. I lost so many years with my dad, by believing the lies of the enemy. Don't do this my friends. Let God in to your heart to dispel the lies of the enemy.