Restoration
Joel 2:25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten... Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
I have been away from my blog post for far too long. Basic summation of the last two weeks in 15 words or less. “Quit Job. Changed Brain Modes. Visited Dad. Embarked on a Journey of God's design.” For the past few weeks, full time ministry has seemed to take a backseat to hedge trimming, desk painting, lawn mowing, errand running and garage cleaning. Then I felt infinitely better when one of the guys I’m mentoring said, “You’re just getting your house in order.” He was either trying to console me or preparing me for death. I’ll choose the former.
The visit with my dad was good. It was filled with moments of frustration, moments of revelation and times of sadness. It was the first time my father and I have really spent time alone since he visited me in Galveston, Texas way back in 1995. My dad drove 750 miles for that visit to rescue a son he saw heading in a bad direction. I was planning a commitment ceremony with my current partner and my father risked his reputation and popularity in order to share the gospel with me, one more time. He even shared the gospel with my partner while I was at work. Looking back now, the feelings of anger I felt in that moment have given way to admiration and respect for a man who was way ahead of his time. My father was the first missionary I knew. He traveled to the foreign land of homosexuality where I had set up camp and brought the word of life to a savage and hostile people.
So last week as we sat alone in the living room of my childhood home, we were still strangers, seemingly at odds with one another. Strangers with a shared history, but an uncertain future. I had made the trip quite honestly at the behest of God. Not to be harsh, but I simply I thought I was sent to assess my father’s expiration date. One of the most awkward moments was helping my own father, write out his will. I wasn’t sad then, but as I write it now, something deep in my soul screams “NOOOOO” as every cell cries out in desperation for more time to get to know a man I know very little about. We were alone, because my mom has passed on and my brother’s misguided life has landed him in jail again for what may be the final time. Yet as I sat there with the obstacles of humanity removed as barriers to our connection, I still stared across the living room and wondered, “Who is this man?” while simultaneously wanting to run away as I had always done when it came to my father.
God is my God. I find it hard to trust Him in situations when it comes to my dad. Betrayal registers in my mind right alongside obedience and I find myself going to areas of my mind for comfort and solace from the resolution that God seeks. Yet I remain. I pursue this man who never really pursued me until I was older and had fashioned a life beyond the borders of a “loving father”.
Then God goes and does something amazing, as I sit and wait, tears rolling down my cheeks as my soul feels like it’s been set ablaze. My father called me a few days back. The convo was short and sweet, but it came with a conquering flood that extinguished the smoldering remains of my emotions. He chose me. Finally, after years of looking to my father for recognition, love, ANYTHING, he chose me. As he spoke to me of my older brother and the consequences of his latest violation, my father said that he had come to a decision about what to do about my brother. My father told his own brother something to this affect: I have two sons. One has never given me any trouble. And I don’t plan to lose the one in Florida over the one who’s sitting in jail. I was caught completely and utterly off guard. My first response was to have him repeat it. He did. I began to weep. God says he’s a God of restoration. God says He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can be trusted. He is a loving Father. He is my Father. And through His great mercy, He has now gifted me with a second father that loves me, is proud of me and fights for my honor.
The Father's Call
My life as a little boy was always spent on the run, guarding myself from hurt. I grew up with three very strong personalities: mom, dad and my brother. I spent a lot of time alone, being quiet and constructing a private world where I felt safe. Mom was the smotherer. Dad was the strict disciplinarian. Brother was unpredictable and generated fear in me at every turn. When I finally left my childhood home, there was a lot of living and a lot of conversation to catch up on.
As I have said before, I don’t believe anyone is born gay. I believe boys are born “Sensitive, Artistic and Creative”. This exposes them to pain and hurt. They have their emotions crushed very easily and are then susceptible to the lies of the enemy that says they were born different. Eventually, through small developmental steps, these boys are led to believe they are “born gay.” The seeds planted in my heart as young man were nourished by feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I grew up to be a fearful adult, confused and very comfortable being alone. There was a lot of pain to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. A therapist once described the homosexual side of my life as my minds way of coming up with an entirely different lifestyle to manage my pain.
I didn’t have much a relationship with my father until I was about 27. I had distanced myself from my father at an early age. He scared me. He wasn’t as sweet and nice as mom. He made us attend church and was a lot less emotional than. We clashed…a lot. Many boys who develop homosexual tendencies suffer from that same disconnect with dad at an early age. My disconnect left me with feelings of being lost and bewildered. I spent the rest of my life looking for a father figure or another man to love me and give me a sense of value.
When I returned to Jesus at the close of 1998, God restored my relationship with my father. It wasn’t immediately perfect. It took a lot of willingness and work. There were emotional bumps and bruises. We both had to lovingly forgive each other. I let satan drive a wedge in between my father and I for far too long. Through my own stubbornness, I let satan led me into homosexuality, cheat me out of a relationship with my father and then convince me that my father didn’t love me. I learned to serve God by watching my father serve others. I remembered his stories of being led by the Holy Spirit to stop by people’s houses and share the gospel. My dad was my first spiritual hero. He was the one that paved the way to the gospel, even as I was telling him I could care less. He would often pray in the living room of my childhood home until 3 am for my brother and I. He lifted my name up to God until I was ready to call on the name of God myself. One of my greatest hopes for young gay men who struggle with homosexuality today is that they have praying fathers. I pray for restoration with their fathers. I pray that restoration leads them into relationship with their heavenly father.
No matter how full of holes my relationship with my dad is, his words will always help restore me when the world attacks me with theirs. Our heavenly Father’s words have that same healing power my friends. God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that there is no place that you can go that is beyond his reach. There is freedom from homosexuality. I celebrate it daily. Don’t let the lies of the enemy determine your fate. God has a purpose and a plan for you beyond the scope of homosexuality.
In the next few weeks, I will be stepping into full time ministry. My plan is to share Jesus Christ and the truth about homosexuality with as many as will listen. My father has been walking this journey with me. Dad called today to tell me that I was courageous. He said I was courageous for going against the grain and quitting my job to reach the gay community with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have waited my whole life for those powerful words of affirmation from him. What an amazing day! He shared the following scriptures with me as well. Yay God!
Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread.”
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.”
“Hey!,” Small Town Preacher
I called myself a gay Christian until The Holy Spirit challenged that belief. “I see plenty of gay in the your life, but I don’t see a lot of Christianity”, He said. “Gay Christianity” was the religion I had crafted around the scriptures I chose to obey. The sin of homosexuality took precedence over any holiness in my life. My daily goal was to proselytize about homosexuality. Salvation through Jesus was often an accessory rather than a mantra. My faith took a backseat to my sexuality, as it does with many gay Christians. Some may disagree, but how many Christian pride parades have you seen lately? Jesus prefers to be Lord of our life, rather than to share our heart with sin. “…Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’ Matthew 16:24. In March of 1999, I was three months into leaving my gay life and returning to God. I moved back home; a small, Oklahoma town, population 1500. I started attending the church I grew up in. Sunday services were a necessary shot to my pride. My spirit screamed Yee-haw. My flesh was like “What the…?”
I wrote my pastor a letter about my past. I wasn’t sure how he’d respond, but I was learning to trust God. The pastor handled it better than expected. Two weeks later he preached a sermon in response to my letter, to a small town, sheltered, mostly older congregation. I’m sure they had there own “What the…?” moments that Sunday. He spoke with great wisdom. He defended wounded people and championed us to love people equally, but he stood firm against the sin of homosexuality. The Holy Spirit led me to love Jesus. Pastor Phil led me to love the bible. I want to share my letter, written over 10 years ago. I’ve learned a great deal more about the development of homosexuality in a person’s life. My opinions are no longer filtered through the veil of my broken sexuality. Hopefully this letter will help with your own walk out of homosexuality.
“Dear Phil,
There was a time, I thought, at the end of this trial I would be able to stand as an example to other men and women with the same plight. I would wear my healing as a badge so that others on earth could see what I had accomplished. I would be the light at the end of the tunnel. I alone would give them hope. I was wrong!
Ten years ago, when my journey into unrighteousness began, there were no real warning signs. I knew right from wrong. I also knew that I had never felt understood, loved or necessary. I heard the message of God’s love all my life. I learned of its power and unconditional nature. It went in one ear and straight to my heart. I never thought how those precious words might save my soul or light my path. I held them as weapons to use against people who judged me.
If I told you I was an alcoholic, you would pray for deliverance from my addiction. If I told you I was a smoker, your reaction would be similar. You see redemption for these sinners. These sins are prolific in our society.
My sin, however, is that I am a homosexual. What is your first reaction: prayer or disgust? Are you still concerned for my soul? Would you put me into a class of sinners for which there is no hope? A decision solely based on the belief that all homosexuals, not homosexuality, are a product of the devil? That is the way a lot of Christians see it. They see it as a sin that a person has taken on to themselves. In essence, a lot of people view it as the “second unforgivable sin.” When these beliefs became known to me God’s love suddenly become conditional.
The difference between a smoker or alcoholic and a homosexual, in my opinion, is very simple. Although they are all sins, smoking and drinking are voluntary in the beginning, homosexuality is not. One can stop purchasing alcohol or cigarettes or refuse to buy them in the first place. Homosexuality lives in ones mind as a parasite, “a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour”. Homosexual acts are voluntary. A homosexual can chose to remain abstinent. However, the desires still persist. Temptation is there, below the surface. The fight becomes harder each day. I am not justifying the sin. I want you to look at it from my viewpoint.
Homosexuality is a “Cadillac” among sins. The devil weaves it into a person’s life through natural processes such as puberty, sometimes through sexual abuse and as in my case, it appears as inherent knowledge. Some scientists have even proposed it to be genetic. If it is indeed genetic, then the devil has done his homework.
When the heterosexual world looks in from the outside they seem to believe that somewhere along the road, a person has chosen to become homosexual. No one chooses to be a part of a group that is ridiculed and persecuted for their beliefs. The only decision that homosexuals make is a decision to stop hiding their feelings; a decision to have the same opportunities as everyone else in society. The only decision made is the decision to be happy. They call the process “coming out of the closet”. They herald this event as the start of life; a single defining moment. “Coming out” is not a victorious triumph. It is a way to give in to the temptations without feeling the guilt. It is a pure and simple surrender to the forces of the devil.
The world is full of Christians who’d forgive you for murdering their firstborn before they’d help a repentant homosexual. So many times a preacher will be delivering a sermon about redemption. The expressions on his face demonstrate the love of God issuing forth from his heart. Then the expression changes to a scowl, blood vessels arise on his forehead and his voice intensifies. In disgust he utters the vilest words ever to be voiced in a church house, “Homosexual”! For many years I endured situations like this. Never once did I hear them identify the sin of homosexuality apart from the person that was a child of God. There always seems to be more people willing to convict than there are people willing to help.
When you are a little kid these feelings do not seem unnatural. I remember seeing an adult male that I found attractive at the age of seven. Well before the age of accountability. I told my brother that if the man were a girl I would date him. Somewhere in my mind I knew I was supposed to like girls, but with the innocence of a child I saw beauty in a man. As I grew older these unnatural feelings persisted. When someone tells you its wrong, you need answers. The number one question that every child asks is “WHY?”. No one was ever willing to give any answer other than “Because.” I think one reason so many homosexuals have embraced the sin is because the world is full of answers as to why it is normal. They are all the wrong answers, but they are answers nonetheless. The churches I have been to have not provided any answers, but seemed to have a healthy amount of judgment for the taking. At every corner it seems they have washed their hands of it altogether.
In the beginning I prayed nightly for God to make me normal. I believed that if it was such an abomination God would remove it. I thought Christians might be wrong about it. Everything I had prayed for had come true, except for this one request from God. God didn’t seem to want to take it out of my life, so it must be His will. I carried this weight around. I also carried those Christian principles with me. At one point I attempted to meld the two. I just knew that since homosexuality and Christianity were such an integral part of my life that God would accept me. I called myself a gay Christian. I helped other gay youths with their trials and tribulations. With the unusually high rate of suicide among gay teens I thought for sure I was sent to “talk them down from the ledge”. I would tell them that what they were feeling was not unnatural. I would relay my own experience. All the while my father was praying.
You talked about gay marriage the other day. I have to look at the fact that these people in their own confused way seem to be reaching for spiritual normalcy in their lives. Much the way I once believed. They feel that by entering into marriage and living a Christian life that all will be well.
I was one of those couples. I was dating someone who made me the happy. I felt love and acceptance. I wanted to have a union with this person. My partner did not agree with my beliefs. He did not believe in God. Also sex was an important part of his life. I thought God had sent me this person. How could we not want the same things? The Holy Spirit began to minister to me once again. I was searching for God, but in the wrong places. Dad paid us a visit and I got back on track. The relationship ended. I prayed my prayer again. “Please let me be normal!”
There are a fair number of couples, gay and straight, living in sin with no plans of marrying. Homosexual couples trying to make their union holy in the sight of God, are people who seem to want God in their life. The couples who do unite, don’t see homosexuality as the binding sin that will send them to hell. The churches accepting them are doing it for the wrong reasons, mostly financial. I simply wish there was a way for them to find the right church where God could begin to minister to their lives. They are people just like you and I. They need a voice going up to God for deliverance of their soul.
I met one young man who was the son of a Baptist minister. He told me that there was no place in his life for his Christian beliefs as well as his homosexuality. He chose the latter. Once again, the tiny amount of hope I had in my heart died, along with it the belief that I would ever be normal.
Ultimately it seemed if I was going to get right with God, I would be walking the road alone. My gay friends could not understand why I just wouldn’t accept my homosexuality. I was afraid to tell Christians for fear of judgment. I struggled with the idea that I would be alone. Once I became clean and new in the Lord, Christians would accept me when the homosexuals rejected me. No one wants to be alone. Though we always have God, there is still that part of us that craves human companionship.
God was kind enough to send me an angel in 1992. A wonderful person who had endured similar trials. She listened to my story, prayed for me and most of all, refused to judge me and add to my pain. I just received a letter from her. She is still so in love with God and professes His love for me. My dad has also been the spiritual light in my life. I know there has not been a day that has gone by that he has not prayed for me.
When I began this letter, I had written ten pages before I came up for a breather. I was angry at first. The spirit of the Lord arrested that anger and allowed me to speak my mind in a calmer fashion. The entire letter was written as I endured the voice of the devil placing mental images in my mind. He also tried to make me believe once again that God had not taken this sin out of my life, because it was my calling in life. It was who I am. He tried to pit me against the church that “judged” me and also the Lord that loves me.
I didn’t want to have to wake up everyday and pray, “God please don’t let me be gay today!” What kind of a life would that be? Would that be true healing? I thought if I prayed about this that one day it would go away. The day I realized it was something I might have to pray about each day, I wept uncontrollably. I still cry about it from time to time. In the case of the smoker, there is program after program about how to quit. Alcoholics have AA, drug treatment hospitals, halfway houses, family intervention and a wealth of other avenues. What does a gay man or woman in today’s society have? Judgment!
My goal in writing this letter is not to promote acceptance or tolerance. I simply would like you to have an idea what it is like to have this sin in one’s life. A sin that for a time seemed as natural as breathing; as natural as a man’s love for a woman. What men take for granted each day, something as simple as love for a woman, I find unattainable and foreign. I have to pray for that love to manifest itself in my life. When you preached that message about a besetting sin. I felt God had finally heard my cries. There could have been 5000 people in that church and I still think that message was meant for me. This was another prayer I prayed for a time. “God if it is wrong for me to feel love for a man, then let me only have love for you. I could not feel love for a woman. I will do as you wish God. I will not express this love for a man, but I do not wish to feel the same love for a woman. I would have to start all over. I do not want to do that. I simply want to live my life loving you.”
In essence I was praying for God to make me a Catholic priest, I suppose. It was a horrible prayer. I can see that now. I was trying to punish God, because I felt slighted that I could not be a homosexual and it was unnatural. If he didn’t want me to be gay I did not want his natural plan for my life. I have since stopped using that prayer. Although I want people to begin to pray for the homosexual community, I don’t think that should be our focus. There are plenty of besetting sins out there. Mine was homosexuality. Believe it or not, there are gays out there who are searching for the spiritual truth. I know I am not alone. They need to know that someone cares. I think we as a church need to reach out and pray for God’s will in their life, instead of just assuming they are already headed for hell.
I have a long way to go, but I continue my daily walk towards the Lord. I have learned so many things over the years about God’s love. The scripture about bringing your child up in the way of the Lord and when he is old he will not depart from it, holds true. God held onto me for 10 years, because someone cared enough to mention my name in prayer. I simply want others to have the same chance that I have.”
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"
This is gonna sound like the chorus of Sweet Brown’s YouTube Remix of “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” before I’m through. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Though I’ll be using His name as an exclamation of wonder rather than to express the amazement that my house almost burned down with me inside it.
Unbeknownst to many it was Shamu, not Jesus, that brought me back to God. I dreamt of training Killer Whales since I was 14. Thirteen years later that dream became reality. For years I listened to naysayers and dreamkillers that said it is impossible. In 1992 when I heard about a Marine Biology Class offered in the Bahamas; a glimmer of hope appeared on the horizon. I took the class and began to dream again.
I would find myself at Texas A&M Galveston the next semester, pursuing a degree in Marine Biology. I was one step closer to swimming with Shamu. God had placed the dream on my heart. satan was planning too. That same semester I began dating a guy, who was the son of a Baptist minister. I knew I was supposed to be pursuing Jesus and not a gay life, but life was on my terms now. Luckily, God showed up on our first date in a simple conversation. Jason began to talk about his life. “I grew up Christian, but I knew I was gay”, he said. “I had to choose between the two. I chose gay”. Jason’s statements echoed in my head. No sooner had he said, “I chose gay”, than the Holy Spirit said, “That’s not an option for you”. My spirit agreed. My flesh continued to wrestle with the dilemma of Christianity and my homosexual desires for years.
I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 10 years old at youth camp. Yet even after my angry and ugly, teenage years, Jesus held on to me. When I became a rebellious, misbehaving adult, he directed my paths. I always looked for fulfillment in the arms of other guys, but it was Jesus Christ that gave me what I was searching for in December of 1998.
The final, fateful prayer I would make as a gay man went something like this. “Jesus I‘ve tried for 10 years to make my life work. I have schemed and planned and lived life like I wanted. I’ve gotten nowhere. I am giving you the reigns of my life now. Take control. Let’s see if you can make it work.” It was a desperate cry for help swaddled in a prideful challenge to God. Thank You Jesus for seeing the state of my heart.
I have a friend who says he didn’t leave gay because it was bad. He left gay, because He found something better. I have to agree. If you are gay and proud and have wandered across my blog, please keep reading. Before you label me a bigot, a hater or even an ignorant Christian, know this. I was once where you are now. I was bullied, teased, judged and rejected. I believe a lot of things about myself that God didn’t. Regardless of the debate in the world today, Jesus Christ loves you. He is crazy about you. If you have known Him before and fallen away, He wants you back. If you and I disagree, it doesn’t matter. Jesus is the only thing that matters. He is the key to having a fulfilling life. If you’ve been searching, let your search end with a prayer to Jesus. It needn’t be eloquent or scripted. Yell. Scream. Whisper. Sob. Forget the debate in the world. Remember the Savior of the world. Tell Jesus what you want. Tell Him what you need. Trust that He sees your pain. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
There is a God Who has the ability to transform your life and change your circumstance. Romans 4:17 “…God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.”
Romans 10:13 “for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Endless Search?
Back in the day I dated a lot of guys searching for Mr. Right. Mr. Wrong showed up a lot more often. Yes I said “searching for ‘Mr. Right’ ”. Biblically controversial, but my reality. I grew up starved for healthy, male affection. My relationships with men brought pain and disappointment. At the beginning of my gay life, sex was never the goal. I wanted guy friends to love and value me. I found acceptance from gay men I hadn’t experienced with other guys. The only trouble I experienced in my dating relationships with men was the inherent imbalance. God designed men with sex drive and women with emotional drive thereby establishing balance in relationships. With two men in a relationship, the sex drive is doubled. I didn’t set out to be promiscuous, but with guys the sexual tension over road the balance. The search for value led me down a dark path. My moral convictions faded with each passing relationship.
There was one guy who loved me as best he could. God didn’t ordain our relationship, but being monogamous for a year kept me safe from other sexual exploits. The relationship was doomed from the start. I was trying to be gay and Christian. He was extremely intelligent and an atheist. I knew our relationship was wrong in God’s eyes. He “knew” the church hated “us”. I felt guilty about sex. He didn’t. He was more sexually adventurous than me. I found myself pulled into more explicit forms of sexual expression. My need for value was overshadowed by more carnal desires.
He used to grab and hold my penis the way a couple might hold hands. It was awkward. I felt like my penis was the most important part of me. I wondered, “Does he love me or does he just want sex?” When I said that it bothered me, he got offended. He put the blame back on me. I honestly think he felt judged. Looking back, I see his point. The grabbing was way less sexual than the rest of our lives. I was like a “bank robber” caught holding a duffle full of cash, accusing my partner in crime of being a thief.
Later I proposed we remain celibate for our commitment ceremony. I wanted to be “pure” before God. My thought process: “If gay is the only thing that God sees wrong with me, He’s wrong. He made me gay. He has to let me into heaven if I apply biblical principles for marriage to my gay relationship. I didn't chose gay. God didn't take it away. I ‘followed’ His rules.” Needless to say, my partner didn’t share my beliefs. He broke up with me. “Was sex more important to him than me?” “Were my doubts confirmed?” That night, he apologized and we continued dating, but broke up for good a few months later. There was no reconciling my Christian faith, his atheism, and our relationship.
I felt like more of a possession than a person in my relationships with men. Sex was most often the focal point. satan kept me bound by offering just enough table scraps to keep me hungry and weak, but interested. satan always offers a substitute for God’s plan. My friends, no guy will ever treat you with as much care, as Jesus Christ. Men may want your body. Jesus wants your heart. My relationship with Jesus, led me to discover the truth about my homosexual desires. He also led me to some amazing men of God. My search for value will only end at the Cross-if I choose to let it. Jesus asks that I surrender my old life to Him; in exchange for a new one.
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Power Struggle
A friend of mine, who happens to be gay, asked me the following question. “Why do some gay men obsess over female celebrities?” I pondered for a moment. Then I gave him a multi-layered answer spanning the course of many years. Just like homosexual desires can’t adequately be addressed with “I was born this way”, the reason some gay men focus heavily on powerful or influential women has its complexities. Picture it, Oklahoma, the 70’s. My family dynamic was hopelessly askew. Growing up in the Walker household, Hazel, not Jack, was in charge. Dad was the disciplinarian, but mom orchestrated our lives. My mom struggled with bi-polar disorder. She ruled with screams, tears or silence. My brother and I gravitated to opposite parents. I was my mom’s son and thus learned how to be a human by watching her. My mom’s maiden name was Williams. William’s women were a force to be reckoned with. Developmental Math Equation: Sensitive male child + A strong woman = Emasculated, little boy. Words synonymous with emasculated: powerless, helpless, impotent, weakened, feeble and ineffectual.
Dad was powerless to stop mom’s hurtful words and actions. He said it was easier to surrender me to my mom, than to fight for me. His words brought with them a great sadness. The enemy told me a thousand lies a minute. “You must have done something wrong to make your dad not love you.” I spent my entire life wondering if I even mattered. Suddenly it made sense why I looked for acknowledgement in the eyes of every man I walked past. I was silently screaming, “Isn’t there any man out there who would simply love me?” I wasn’t looking for sex. I was looking for acceptance, value and my identity as a man. I wasn’t been “born gay”. My damage was the aftermarket result of a lifetime of neglect and abandonment. I saw my dad as passive. Women bulldoze passive men. I don’t want to be a man like dad. I feel different than other men. I don’t identify with men at all.
Mom was in control and I was her favorite. I didn’t always like her methods, but I liked her results. I grew up feeling weak, shy and inadequate in her shadow. I saw dad the same way. Mom was the exact opposite. My close proximity to her, allowed me to mimic her habits. I manipulated people to get what I wanted. Under mom’s wing, I was protected from my father. Mom lavished her love and affection on me. She confided in me. For a long time, I was her source of emotional support. It became a way of life for me. Yet, not even I was safe from her occasional manic outbursts. It was like standing in the flames of hell and hoping for an occasional glimpse of heaven. After 18 years of having my voice silenced, I perceived women to be more powerful than men. I identified more with women, than I ever did with men. No one challenged them. They were strong, courageous and bold. I envied their “power” and saw it as the means necessary to breakthrough my feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness to become a person people respected.
I once shared one of my journal entries with my friend Kathy. I wrote, “I wish I could sing like Whitney Houston.” I was embarrassed, but we had a good laugh. Whitney embodied some of the same characteristics I saw in my mom: Strength, Boldness, Independence and Power. I idolized Whitney, not because I was gay, but because early childhood development shaped who I looked to for direction. Other childhood heroes included Wonder Woman, Samantha from Bewitched, The Designing Women, The Golden Girls and Madonna. Laugh if you will, but they were strong, powerful people who confidently took care of themselves. If my childhood taught me anything, it was the need to take care of myself. No one else was going to do it. Ultimately, my journey out of anonymity in search of purpose came from a very broken place, not from a genetics textbook. I looked a lot of places for answers, before I ever turned to Jesus, but eventually I surrendered my life to Him.
My answer to my friend’s question? A lot of sensitive boys raised by strong women, are subject to my same disillusions. They possibly suffered a disconnection with dad or dad was absent and mom instinctively “took the helm of the ship”. Therefore the model for a young boy to emulate becomes mom, not dad. A lot of gay men’s lives mirrored mine. The world is a broken place and we’ll find our value in persons, places and things. Men who struggle with homosexuality often end up being people pleasers or over achievers. I think it arises out of a need to add meaning and value to our lives. The broken relationships of our past set us up for failure with rudimentary social skills. We find ourselves using any means necessary to get and keep friends in our lives. No life will endure being pushed aside and forgotten for long. Something’s gotta give. Most people want to feel special, to be heard and to know that they matter. I’ve found that people will take any avenue necessary to make that happen.
I think it's always necessary to bring it back to scripture. James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
The following book brought hope help and healing to me. “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: When a parent’s love rules your life”- by Dr. Patricia Love.
(A disclaimer. I don’t doubt for a second that my mother loved me and did the best she could with the limited tools in her “toolkit”. However, replicated brokenness is still brokenness. If you are a mom like mine, don’t take this a rebuke. Take it as a second chance to do right by your son and yourself. It’s the best way to help mend his broken sexuality and your broken heart.)
Sad heart, Perseverant Spirit
I persistently talk about freedom from homosexuality, because I have experienced it. The “gay” life can be described as a life with many perceived “freedoms”, riddled with exponential bondage. If you really know me, you know my life is dedicated to people wanting to leave homosexuality behind. My drive comes from a loving heart and similar life experiences. I’m not one of those Christians looking to keep gays sequestered. I am a Christian who left homosexuality with the help of Jesus Christ. My walk out of homosexuality is where I experienced the transforming power of Jesus the most. I chose to see my life through Jesus colored glasses and not through the tainted lens of my broken sexuality. Walking out of homosexuality is the most difficult challenge I’ve faced. It will be for you, too. The world will be against you. Churches and ‘loving’, misguided Christians will stand as obstacles to the truth of the Bible. On occasion, my homosexual attractions howl like a hurricane, but they have faded considerably over the years. There are moments when I’ve felt like giving up, but doesn’t everyone have the potential to slip back to comfortable places of sin from our past. Sexual temptations from my past don’t define my future. The ‘satan’ from 1 Peter 5:8 is still active today.
Homosexuality is a sin. No amount of rewriting or interpretive dances around scripture or palatable PR packaging will change how God views homosexuality. The world may be convinced through coercive, slanderous campaigns funded by the gay agenda that gay relationships are right. They may even stand by as people adopt a hybridized life of homosexuality and Christianity, but at the end of the day God will ultimately judge our lives.
My friend Jay said it best today in a daily devotion.
“No one thinks they are going to hell. Even the wicked believe they are in good shape. Why? …they worship a "god" who validates and does not judge. It is easy to excuse evil [sin] when you can define it on your terms, and declare that your terms are also His. However, Scripture says that God's ways are not our ways.”
I find this so revealing of todays, modern-day gay culture. In many ways they are redefining faith and rewriting the bible so that it caters to their own lives all the while weaving a divisive doctrine of sin into the fabric of our lives that God will never sign off on. God doesn’t hate gays, as those at the Westboro Baptist would have us believe, but He has a divine, sexual design for our lives that doesn’t include homosexuality.
I stand firm today with the scriptures of 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 that says “Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men, 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”
I praise God that there is hope for change and deliverance from every sin, including my sin of homosexuality. 1 Corinthians 9:11 says, “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Since I walked out of homosexuality in December of 1998, I’ve had a few key figures in my life fall away from God. Some from temptation and others were deceived. Using my life as a template, I would say they failed to surrender fully to Christ and deny themselves daily. One such mentor wrote a book that introduced me to Exodus. He recently issued a public apology for his involvement with the Ex-gay movement. This will indeed affect the lives of many. I simply take it as a sign of the times. The bible says that in the last days, even the elect of the Lord will be deceived. I made a decision to follow Jesus at all costs. I agreed to put my faith in Him, not in men. I have some pretty, amazing mentors in the faith, but I take whatever they say to the scriptures and to bible.
The rhetoric coming from gay Christians and from many mainstream denominations these days is a combination of skewed biblical truth and political correctness. Jesus said to daily pick up your cross, deny yourself and follow Him. Each one of us is responsible for our own lives. I believe that those who have fallen away from the truth that Exodus had preached openly for many years will answer for their own lives and for those they have led astray. For now, I stand as one who walked away from homosexuality with the help of Jesus Christ. If you ever hear anything different from me, you will know that I, too, have been deceived.
Porn and Ice Cream
I have treated God like a cosmic “cash machine” most of my life. Over the past few months I have been encouraged to begin to thank God and worship Him in ways that I never have. It’s been a real challenge to pray out of reverence and worship to God, instead of standing before Him presenting my list of demands and then scampering off like a woodland sprite, to go about my day. I ask a lot of God. The bible even says that we should ask things of God and make requests. Understanding more about God is helping me to change my daily prayers. It was difficult at first. I would pray and begin to thank God for what he had done in my life. I thanked Him for everything that He had done or was doing, but rarely did I ever take time to thank Him for just being His awesome, amazing, creator type self. I never struggle with something to say, yet I was stumped when I tried to honor God in my prayers. I would pray for 30 seconds and my mind would go blank; a thousand other thoughts would come to the forefront of my mind. It was horrible. I felt like the worst Christian ever. I wondered- ‘if God had never done anything for me, would I still honor Him or just stop speaking to Him at all?’ So this morning, frustrated and desperately aware that I needed to worship and honor my God for who He is, I sat down with my journal and I began to write. It was difficult at first. My thoughts were racing. ‘Is one page enough?’ ‘If I write two pages, that seems like a waste of journal space and my time?’ ‘I only have a few more thoughts, should I “waste” an entire page for one sentence?’ I was acutely aware that one of the reasons I failed to acknowledge God for who He was, was that at some point in time I had relegated him to a small, programmed portion of my day. WOW! As a Christian who professes to love Jesus, I found that personally shaming. God is supposed to be my ‘everything’. Jesus gave up His very life so that I could choose if I wanted to include Him in mine. Or not. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I want to share what I wrote to my God this morning. I would also love to hear your prayers of worship if you have them. This is an area that I will never stop growing in and I need to know how others do it. I fall so short of honoring my God for who He is.
My prayer- God you have orchestrated a major change in my life. You are all powerful. You are awesome God. I am nothing, but a big, ball of schemes without you. I trust you Lord. Let your heart be known in my life. You led my father to you Lord. You called to him and changed his life, thus altering mine. Thank you Lord. You are God. Incomprehensible. Unfathomable. You deserve our full attention. I want to learn to love you as much as I loved porn or ice cream. I don't want to love your creation more than I love you God. I want to love and appreciate you. Reveal yourself to me. You provide, you create, you reveal. You do these things, because you love us. Out of your infinite love and knowledge you orchestrate our lives. Nothing is beyond your grasp or your site or your ability to prevent. You are God and I am not. You are God.
Thank you for the deliverance of the gay community. God, thank you. I can’t imagine how big You really are. Thank you for making earth and for letting me be a part of it. You’re awesome. You’re the only one that is. Father, You’re amazing. You have life-giving hands. You provide all our needs even as we fight against You. I don’t have that many days left in the grand scheme of things. You are the author of those days. Thank You father. You deliver me, daily. No other deserves my reference. Jesus I cry when I get a cut or a scratch. You suffered immeasurable pain for me. There is nothing I will ever do to deserve what You did for me. I can never repay you. I can never accomplish anything greater. I can never love You to the degree that You loved me. “While we were yet sinners”, You died for us. You prepared a walking path to heaven that some of us will never take. Holy Spirit, thank You for comfort on cold nights. Lonely nights. Nights of debate. Thank You for protection in the silent hours of the night when I am defenseless against the enemy and the world. Holy Spirit, thank You for Your resurrection power that brought Jesus back to life. Lord in Your presence I am protected and healed and led into a holy place.
Thank You for Your holy fire that burns away every aspect of sin and every manifestation of brokenness in my life. Forgive me for doubting. I want to know more about You Lord. I love You Lord. Not for what You do and did but for who You are. You are the ultimate painter, sculptor, builder, creator, father, architect, brother, lover, companion, disciplinarian, etc. . It’s You I want and seek when I look for fulfillment in everything else. Lord help me worship You better, more, longer and more unashamedly. I have lived according to the norms of this world far too long. You are my God. I am so tiny in reference to You. You could crush me, but You are patient and loving, even when I use my hurt and disappointment as a shield against You. Thank You father for a great body of believers that surround me. I envision You standing there holding the universe in your hands, yet holding my life carefully as well. Jesus there are no words to say thank you enough so I will do my best to say it with my life.
I will not be silent or ashamed or afraid of this world. Thank you Jesus for your life lived in service to others. A perfect life. A perfect example. You are my brother who laid down his life for me. You did it all even as you knew I’d live a life of rebellion. Father God, thank You for Your role in all of our lives. We have no idea how awesome You are, or our lives would reflect it. God it was Your divine hand that protected me in my wild days. It is Your divine hand that still protects, loves and guides. I love my parents simply, because that’s what I grew to know. They fought for me at all costs. It wasn’t hard to love them in the end. We had a history together that showed me that I could trust them, even in their imperfect ways. How much more should I learn to love You God?
God, You are perfect. I’ve learned that even when I thought I couldn’t trust You, it was I who was wrong. Our history together shows me You can be trusted, but I don’t want to simply trust You. I want to love You, respect You, honor You and surrender to You. I am nothing Lord without You. I want to know Your love infinitely more than I do right now. I am tired of living as a stranger in Your mansion catching only glimpses of You ever so often as I wander the halls. You are my Father. I want to know You as such. I want to love You for who You are, not for anything You’ve done for me. My understanding of You is severely limited by the fears that have grown out of my history on this broken planet. Give me greater vision Lord as only You can do. You are worthy Lord of our reverence and respect. Thank You Father God. There are not enough words Lord to express my gratitude. I can’t comprehend or imagine what a day in my life looks like through Your eyes. You are awesome! Thank You Lord. --Amen
Hier ist mein Zeugnis
Ich war gerade 14 Jahre alt als meine Eltern mich zu einem Vergnügungspark nach Florida mitnahmen. Ich verliebte mich in die Delphine, aber es waren da auch noch andere Tiere, die mich faszinierten. Ich wusste augenblicklich was für einen Beruf ich erlernen werde, wenn ich gross bin. Ich wollte Dompteur werden. Es dauerte lange um meinen Traum zu verwirklichen. Schliesslich brauchten die Kinder Israels auch 40 Jahre um aus der Wüste zu kommen.
Jesus befreite mich aus einer 10 Jahre dauernden Phase von Trauer, Schuld und Scham. Dennoch zu hören, dass Jesus vom Himmel herabkam um mich von ewiger Verdammnis und den feurigen Abgründen der Hölle zu erretten, war des Guten zu viel. Die Rolle meines Lebens ist gut beschrieben wenn ich sage, dass ER stets der Wiederhersteller meines gebrochenen Herzens war. Er war es auch, der mich an den vielen Samstag Abenden nie alleine liess. Für jede Träne die bei mir floss, Tausend Tränen er vergoss. Er kennt mein Herz besser als sonst jemand.
Na, was war denn alles so schlecht? Ein paar wenige, schlecht plazierte Emotionen, die in meine Gedankenwelt katapultiert wurden. Von 18 bis 27 lebte ich als schwuler Mann. Das College war für mich der Katalysator für mein sündiges Leben. Ich hatte mein erstes homosexuelles Erlebnis während dem Frühlingssemester 1990. Ich lebte noch zu Hause und wurde gezwungen zur Kirche zu gehen, wann immer deren Türen offen waren. Das College gab mir die Freiheit, nicht zur Kirche gehen zu müssen. Als ich am College zu studieren begann, schrieb ich meinen Eltern einen Brief wie es mir im College so ginge. Ich wusste, dass mein Vater immer für mich betete.
Die High School war mühsam und ich war isoliert. Ich hatte nur wenige echte Freunde. Ich war der Schwachkopf der Klasse. Ich war nicht der männlichste Junge in der Schule und wurde deswegen auch gehänselt. Das nährte auch Gerüchte über meiner Person. Schon in der 7. Klasse hatte ich einen zweifelhaften Ruf. Ich wurde als Schwul, komischer Kauz und als Weichei bezeichnet. Andere "bestätigende“ Übernamen kamen noch dazu. Furcht und Hass wurden meine neuen und besten Freunde. Diese verbalen Rufschädigungen verwurzelten sich stark in meine Gedanken. Ich begann zu glauben, dass meine Gleichaltrigen recht hatten. Mein Programm nach der Schule war verschiedene Bars abzuklopfen und von Gott rannte ich weg. Ich hoffte, dass Jesus mich vergessen würde und mich mein Leben leben liess. Mein Leben hinein in die Homosexualität begann ganz unschuldig mit Einsamkeit, Wut und einem tiefen Selbstwertgefühl. In vier Jahren zog ich fünf Mal um. Ein Umzug brachte mich in ein Haus, wo ich Hilfe in Anspruch nehmen konnte. Ich dachte, wenn ich umgeben bin von Männern, wird mich das wieder herrichten. Ich war verzweifelt und suchte nach Antworten und war auch bereit alles zu glauben. Nachdem dieses Jahr der Brüderlichkeit fehlgeschlagen war, gab ich alles auf. Ich betete ohne Unterlass, dass Jesus meine Homosexualität wegnehmen würde. Er tat es aber nie. Betete ich also die falschen Gebete? Hörte mir Gott überhaupt zu? Ein anderes Problem war, dass ich mit meinen Zweifeln und Fragen zu Jesus ging, jedoch nicht mit einem offenen Herzen.
Innerhalb von 5 Jahren zog ich durch drei US-Bundesstaaten. Ich fühlte, dass ich meinem Traum näher kam. Ich verschuldete mich und lief weiter weg vom Plan Jesu für mein Leben. Ein paar wenige, kleine, falsch geleitete Schritte wurden zu einem sündhaften Lebensstil, der bei mir rasch ausser Kontrolle geriet. Ich investierte mich physisch und emotionell stark in jeden Mann, den ich traf. Ich suchte verzweifelt nach Liebe und Annahme. Sex schien nur ein Spielzeug der Beziehung zu sein, die ich suchte. Jedes Treffen füllte mich noch mehr mit tiefer Leere. Während dieser Zeit hörte mein Vater nie auf für mich zu beten. Die Bibel sagt, dass am Ende die Menschen, Liebhaber der Freuden werden, anstatt Liebhaber Gottes. Mein Vater sagte mir stets, dass Trennung von Gott ähnlich ist, wie wenn du in einer Menschenmenge bist, dich aber total alleine fühlst. Ein Gedicht, das ich selber schrieb, illustriert es bestens. Völlige Paranoia herrschte in mir. Ich war noch nie so einsam. Der Mensch ist geschaffen um mit Gott zu kommunizieren. Es war nie seine Absicht, den Menschen in der Einsamkeit versinken zu lassen. Als Jesus meine Homosexualität nicht wegnahm, dachte ich, ich müsste so leben. Weil die Bibel aber sagt, dass Homosexualität falsch ist, ist es nicht möglich, dass Homosexualität und Christentum in meinem Leben koexistieren können. Wie auch immer, ich sagte Gott, dass ich als schwuler Mann leben werde, was auch immer passieren möge. Ich traf mich anschliessend mit einem Mann, den ich im Internet kennen gelernt habe. Er rauchte und ich wurde von ihm verbal schwer beleidigt. Das war kein Volltreffer, aber ich wollte Gott etwas beweisen. Als ich sah, dass meine eigene Sicherheit in Gefahr war, brach ich die Beziehung ab. Das war der Anfang vom Ende. Der letzte Mann mit dem ich zusammen war, war ein echter Kumpel. Er war ein Mann, mit dem ich wirklich „herumhängen“ konnte. Er wollte keinen Sex und er rauchte nicht. Und zwei Wochen nachdem wir uns trafen, wollte er mich schon nicht mehr. Wenige Monate später entschied ich diesen Lebensstil zu verlassen und zu Gott zurückzukehren.
Diesmal war mein Gebet einfach und aufrichtig. Ich betete: „Herr, ich habe während 10 Jahren versucht diesen Lebensstil zu pflegen. Ich kann nicht mehr. Es ist nun Zeit, dass du schaust, was du machen kannst. Hier übergebe ich dir alles.“ Es war keine Forderung an Gott, sondern ein Hilfeschrei.
Am 20. Dezember 1998 übergab ich Gott die Herrschaft in meinem Leben. Ich belud mein Auto und liess Mississippi und die Homosexualität hinter mir. Ich bewegte mich auf Gott zu, schleppte aber meine Beine noch hinter mir her. Der Geist war willig, aber das Fleisch war schwach (Matthäus 5,6). Ich brauchte Zeit um im Glauben zu wachsen und auf Gottes Stimme zu hören. Ich schrieb meinen Freunden einen Brief über meine Reise aus der Homosexualität. Schwule Freunde denunzierten mich, christliche Freunde freuten sich und der Rest war verwirrt „Ist es möglich aufzuhören schwul zu sein?“
Jesus vollbrachte ein paar wunderbare Segnungen in meinem Leben. Drei Tage nach meiner Rückkehr nach Oklahoma im Januar 1999, arbeitete ich zusammen mit meinem Vater. Durch diese Zusammenarbeit mit ihm war ich in der Lage eine Beziehung aufzubauen, die mich als Christ und als Mann stärkte und bestätigte. Der Herr war so gegenwärtig in meinem Leben. Er sandte mir einen Schwimmlehrer, er schenkte mir einen Traumjob, womit ich in der Lage war meine Schulden von über 10'000 US$ zurückzuzahlen. Gott begann das Fundament meiner Träume zu bauen. In kürze stellte Jesus mein Leben wieder her. Ich suchte während 10 Jahren Freude und Erfolg in der Welt - umsonst. In weniger als einem Jahr, krempelte der Herr mein Leben um. Es war nicht immer einfach, aber nur der Gehorsam brachte mich zu den Antworten Gottes für mein Herz.
Gott hätte diesen Weg für mich nie ausgewählt. Wie auch immer, Er hat meine Vergangenheit zu seiner Ehre gebraucht. Eines meiner Ziele in meinem Leben ist es, allen homosexuell Betroffenen den Weg aus der Finsternis heraus aufzuzeigen. Ich nannte die Homosexualität einmal den „Cadillac der Sünde“, perfekt in jeder Beziehung. Sie nistet sich sehr früh und bequem ins Leben einer Person ein. Es scheint natürlich, dass wir glauben sie sei genetisch bedingt. Während andere junge Menschen mit dem anderen Geschlecht ihre ersten Erfahrungen machen, beginnt der gleichgeschlechtlich Empfindende sich anders zu fühlen. Da beginnt auch die Isolation. Stellen sie sich einmal vor, in welchem Kampf sich ein Teenager mit seiner Identität befindet. Dazu kommt noch der Faktor einer allfälligen Auseinandersetzung mit homosexuellen Tendenzen. Oft kommen noch Selbstgerechte, die von Verdammnis, anstatt von Heil sprechen und dazu die Angst vor Ablehnung noch schüren.
Nun praktiziere ich das Zölibat seit 1998. Ich habe nach wie vor das Potential in mir zu straucheln. Der Feind geht weiter herum wie ein brüllender Löwe und sucht das nächste Opfer, das er verschlingen kann. Mein tägliches Gehen mit Jesus und meine Zeit, verwurzelt in seinem Wort halten mich auf dem Boden der Realität. Diese Botschaft erscheint einigen vielleicht als Abriss der Intoleranz und der Ignoranz. Für diejenigen die kämpfen, ist es aber eine Botschaft der Hoffnung. Ich habe eine 10-jährige Insiderkarriere als schwuler Mann hinter mir und ich werde die Botschaft von Gottes heilender Kraft weiter kundtun.
Ich habe Gott schon viele Fragen gestellt. Menschen versuchen immer wieder sich auf die Stufe von Gott hochzuheben. Warum erachten wir uns als eine so fortgeschrittene Spezies? Wir brauchen Maschinen um zu fliegen, die Vögel haben Flügel. Wir brauchen Sauerstoffflaschen um zu tauchen, Fische haben Kiemen. Wir benötigen fremde Hilfe um vieles in unseren Leben vollenden zu können. Warum verdrängen wir das Bedürfnis, dass eine Quelle von aussen unsere geistlichen Bedürfnisse stillen muss. Die Tatsache, dass ich mich auf Jesus verlasse und, dass er die Quelle meiner Kraft ist, ist kein Zeichen der Schwäche, sondern macht mich reich. Meinen Glauben wird so gestärkt und ich kann an all seinen Segnungen teilhaben. Was wäre passiert, hätte ich den schwulen Lebensstil „verhindern wollen“ und hätte mich Gott früher ausgeliefert? Ich hätte meine Träume sicherlich früher realisiert. Ich müsste sicherlich nicht die 10-jährigen Erfahrungen aufarbeiten. Der Herr erneuert meine Gedanken täglich, aber der Feind benutzt meine Erinnerungen um mich von Zeit zu Zeit zu bremsen. Tierdompteure haben ein Trainingskonzept, wo sich das Verhalten der Tiere ändert. Ich muss zugeben, dass all die Clubs, die Aufmerksamkeit und all die Kraft aus der Szene mich oft beflügelten. Eines der härtesten Dinge die es gibt, ist es ein Tier so zu trainieren, dass es sich anders verhält als es sich von Natur aus verhalten sollte. Es ist machbar, aber die ganzen Änderungsprozesse sind mit einem grossen Kraftakt verbunden. Ich kann mir nur schwer vorstellen, nun einen 20 oder 30-jährigen Prozess der Veränderung vor mir zu haben. Ich stand dort, wo Teenager stehen, wenn sie mit homosexuellen Neigungen kämpfen. Ich kann aber vertrauensvoll sagen, dass je früher ein homosexueller Lebensstil verlassen wird, je grösser die Chancen sind, sich zu verwirklichen. Da ich den Weg jung herausschaffte, ist es mir gelungen, die gebrochene Beziehung zu meinem Vater wiederherzustellen. Ich kenne Männer, die ihre Väter verloren haben, bevor sie an sich zu arbeiten begannen. Ich habe die Gabe der Jugend noch und ich kann die Teenies noch erreichen, bevor sie die gleichen Fehler wie ich begehen. Der Herr stellt mich gerade in die beste Umgebung, wo ich helfen kann zwischen Väter und ihren Söhnen Brücken zu bauen.
Ich verdiene keine Ehrengoldmedaille für die 10 Jahre die ich in der schwulen Welt lebte. Gott würde es vorziehen, dass wir rein und heilig bleiben. Ich kann diese 10 Jahre, die ich verlor nicht ungeschehen machen. Wie auch immer, Gott kann das, was ich gelernt habe gebrauchen, um zu verhindern, dass andere auf die gleiche Strasse des Verderbens kommen. Ich mache mir grosse Sorgen für die nächste Generation von Menschen mit homosexuellen Neigungen. Viele Eltern haben vergessen, dass ihre Familie eigentlich erste Priorität hat und sie geben auch oft ihre ungelösten Fälle und Wunden ihren Kindern weiter. Kinder widerspiegeln oft die Wut, die Bitterkeit und der Stolz der Eltern. Das sind Emotionen, die zum eigenen Schutz gebraucht werden, um eine Wand aufzubauen zwischen ihnen und der Freiheit einer Beziehung mit Jesus Christus.
Rescue Mission
If Jesus showed up to have dinner with sinners today, New Orleans would definitely be on the menu. I did my fair share of sinning in that city. My first Nawlin’s, nightlife experience was after my 18 birthday. I was on vacation with my uncle and his partner. Bourbon Street to a hormonal, closeted 18-year old boy is like Vegas to a seedy, out of town businessman. We ate and shopped, a lot. One evening my uncle’s partner Joe decided to go out for a drink. I joined him. We went to an upstairs bar on Bourbon Street. Joe ordered his drink. I ordered a beer. Halfway through my beer, I noticed the racy video playing on the TVs overhead. It was my Adam and Eve moment as my eyes were opened. The video was a little more NC-17 than Hallmark Channel. I also noticed that the bar was filled with men that were extremely into one another. Panic was not my first reaction as I realized I was sitting in a gay bar. It was more like Turbo-ridiculous Adrenaline Rush.
Later we wandered to the first floor bar, where someone sent me another beer. Shocked, I asked Joe what to do. “Drink it”, he said. Around 11 pm Joe decided to call it a night. I stayed behind. Adam and Eve may have taken one bite of that Apple, but I spent the night in the Orchard. I met the guy who sent me the beer and invited him to my hotel room. I was 18. He was 29.
Why share any of this? Looking back on my life there were a lot of men who impacted my life negatively. There was Peter, James, Benny, Jamie, Tony, Robin, Joe, etc; an interminable parade of dysfunctional masculinity, littering 3 decades. Out of all those years, I had one older cousin who I felt safe around.
At home, my connection with the men in my life and my own sense of masculinity were under constant assault. My mom complained and badmouthed my father and my brother to me, breaching almost every boundary a mother can with a son. I grew up listening to a consistent, verbal barrage of all things male. My perception was that it wasn’t safe or acceptable to be a boy. I did my best to be as clean, neat and “unboy” like as possible. As a shy, sensitive boy growing up with strong, female influences, the world of men became a foreign place to me.
My father was always busy with my brother. My brother was always in trouble. My mom treated me as a surrogate husband. I was a boy in desperate need of men to lead, love, guide and affirm me. Every male interaction left me disillusioned. Men seemed harsh, angry and disinterested. I told myself I wasn’t like them. I was more comfortable around women. In the world of men I went unnoticed or teased and misunderstood. These early interactions planted further seeds in my mind that I was different than other guys and closer to the lie that I was “born gay”.
Everyone needs a place to belong. I grew up knowing that my uncle was gay, but he was interested in the things I was interested in. His interest in me had little to do with his sexuality. He knew what it felt like to be “different”. When I began to struggle in the confusion of my own broken sexuality, my uncle was the first man that I went to with questions. I didn’t feel safe talking about it with any other man in my life, save the family physician. Truly all I needed was one, Christian man who I could have confided in and felt safe around. A man to hear my story without passing judgment, who would love me as Christ loved me.
God has redeemed my sinful past in homosexuality and has shaped me into the man I always needed. The man that others are still in desperate need of. There are others out there like me. Are you one of them? My great hope is for Christian men to join me on this journey. There is a world of young men being led astray by their feelings and by a world that esteems “happiness” more highly than “righteousness”. My constant prayer is that God will bring good men into my life and the life of the guys I mentor. Before we ever stand in opposition to the gay community, we should first kneel before God and pray for their deliverance.
Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”
Matthew never Matt
Oh Facebook. Bearer of News: good and bad. Officializer of relationships. Savior of the modern world. Keeping people from feeling less lonely as they isolate away from real, life community.
Who doesn’t get excited about friend requests? I received one yesterday from the brother of a guy I am mentoring. The guy and his brother are both gay. First I thought, “Thank you Jesus, he has seen the light. He is ready to talk about Jesus.” Then I opened up the first of his two messages. Was I ever wrong? I was reminded of the old footage of a very unsuspecting Anita Bryant on Youtube as she was hit in the face with a cream pie, thrown by a gay activist, during a television interview. I am sure that pie left a better taste in her mouth than what had just hit me square in the face.
The first thing he told me was how terrible his family had treated him. Then he accused me of aligning myself with them. He then bashed his sister, told me how much of a slut his brother was and then turned his attention to me. Joy! He had just begun to pick up steam. His exact words to me were, “Is this what fags do when they get to old and ugly to get anyone anymore…turn “straight”? To be honest, my first thought wasn’t hurt; it was that he had misspelled the word “too”. Always the consummate writer, I put aside my grammar rules and read on. Fortunately, his rage didn’t stop there and I got a bonus PS to the message. “PS. only FAGS go by their full names. RICHARD…MICHAEL…STEPHEN…MATTHEW…”
How about that? And I was just signing on to change my status for the night. Whew!! Can I tell you about the silver lining in the clouds of his message? I have only recently begun to embrace my middle name, which is Aaron. Aaron was a name I hated, because I associated it with all the pain I endured at the hand of bullies in high school. I have always preferred the name Matthew over the slang or abbreviated term of Matt. My full name Matthew Aaron means “Gift of God. A teacher, lofty, exalted, mountain of strength.” My name, my full name has meaning and power. It isn’t simply a cutesy moniker repeated to evoke a response. It is the very essence of God’s calling on my life that I aspire to live out every day.
My friend’s gay brother isn’t the enemy, but he was sure used by the enemy. He attacked me in every area I have celebrated victory in lately. My charitable foundation is called the Matthew Aaron Foundation. Satan attacked me at the core of my calling. And I don’t know a person out there who doesn’t struggle with self-esteem issues concerning their age or their looks. Thank God has helping me place more emphasis on the content of my heart, rather than the shell that it is house in. His attacks on such superficial things, reminded me of my days in the gay life, where I had to wear the right clothes, have the perfect hair and make sure I looked the part. In one fell swoop satan attacked my age, my looks and my testimony. If that surprises anyone…well…let’s just say it shouldn’t. That is what he does my friends.
I was a little shaken up, but when God revealed satan’s plan of attack I did two things. I prayed for my friend’s brother more. Then I set up a boundary so that further attacks could be prevented. I also let my friend’s brother know how I felt about his unprovoked attacks. I told him I thought it was kind of funny that it seemed perfectly acceptable for a gay person to call someone a FAG, yet if someone calls a gay person a FAG it’s considered hateful. I have mentioned it before, but it seems tolerance to the gay community is forever, a one-way street.
I didn’t expect the enemy to leave me alone. After all, in a few short weeks I am quitting my dream job to go into full time ministry helping men who struggle with unwanted same sex desires. I am going to be a target for the enemy. It seems that anyone who endeavors to speak the truth about sin these days, is abruptly ridiculed, labeled a hater and a bigot and told that God is only “love”. I don’t plan on changing the message of the bible anytime soon, so I guess this is something I am going to have to get used to. After all, Jesus himself said we would be persecuted just like he was persecuted. When he sent out his disciples, he told them these things. Matthew 10:8 “Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.” I share the message of my delivery from homosexuality, not to cast judgment on the world, but because I have received life from my Father. It is my calling and my honor to share that with all who will hear it and “listen”.
Christian Weapon of Mass Destruction?
My parents let me move back into their home, in December of 1998, when I decided to leave homosexuality behind and return to God. It was a move I contemplated for years. As my life spiraled downward, every conversation with my dad was saturated with loving invitations to return home. To move home was to admit failure. Pride and the whispers of the enemy kept me from surrendering. Eventually, I moved home. My father did everything in his power to support my decision. This was nothing new, my father had always supported and loved me, even though he disagreed with my gay life.
It was a difficult move I have ever made. I was giving up my gay life and my perceived "freedom". My flesh didn’t die a silent death. I was moving home to reconnect with Jesus, but on the drive home, I reconnected with Stephan, an old boyfriend. I was headed in the general direction of God, but I frequently stumbled. "Dear Christians" please listen. I made the decision to repent and turn to God and deny my flesh. The flesh rarely takes “NO” for an answer. There are gay men and women out there who want to walk away from homosexuality, but the high expectations of the Christian community, that they be perfect and never stumble again on the road to the cross, are stifling and unrealistic. The Cross of Christ has to be a place of refuge, not a Christian weapon of mass destruction.
Giving up my gay life wasn’t all that hard at first. I was so lost, I didn’t contemplate what I was giving up. Sex was always a wearisome cost of keeping men in my life. I grew up as the awkward little boy who never connected with his father, brother or same sex peers. God created all of us for relationship, though. I needed relationships with other men, but I didn’t know how to get them. I fell into homosexuality, because I found “acceptance” from other men who didn’t fit into the "Red-blooded American Male" category either. Other gay men were as much in need of relationship as I was. When I left homosexuality behind, it was the relationship and acceptance that I missed most, not the sex. When I first decided to walk away from gay, I wasn't running all out towards God, but the forward momentum of my gay life had slowed to a crawl.
The transition from gay to Christian was bridged by a two-month all out porn marathon. Somewhere in the middle Jesus asked me if this was why I had given up everything and then He asked for my heart. I gave it to Him one day at a time. One day became 14 years. A new life rose from the ashes of my old one. I always had a sense that homosexuality was wrong, but I never chose to be gay. It was a feeling that had been there since I was very young, as natural to me as the heartbeat in my chest. Years later, when God led me to examine my past, I could see the environmental and developmental factors that led a little boy, me, who was born sensitive, artistic and creative to believe that he was “born gay”.
Though the coming out process has become an integral step in the lives of gay men and women, I didn’t view my own coming out as a milestone. I viewed it as hopeless surrender to a powerful and invisible enemy. “Coming out” is a systematic denial of the history and events that shape a person’s homosexual desires. It culminates in a singular, jubilant proclamation where one's past is dismissed as a possible, causative agent of their broken sexuality. This action frees them to embrace the myth that they were “born gay” and dismisses biblical teaching about homosexuality as religious prejudice. I know this, because I was well versed in it.
Once on the road to recovery, I distanced myself from homosexual influences. I also distanced myself from zealous, Christian friends, who viewed my sin as a little worse than their own. Gay friends said, “shut up and dance”. Christian friends wanted me to “date women” and "pray more". I left them all behind in favor of getting alone with God. Call me sacrilegious, but my first “trinity” experience consisted of Jesus, myself and my dad.
I spent 1999 at home praying, reading the bible, paying off bills and listening to radio preachers. A loving, small-town preacher, named Phil Clements, taught me how to slowly ingest and devour the Word of God. My parent’s house was a place of refuge for me; a place where I could hide away from the world’s influence and listen for God’s voice.
Ten years after I began my own journey out of homosexuality, the Holy Spirit prompted me to open my new home to guys who wished to leave homosexuality behind. Big Fish Ministry was born. We are now entering our fifth year. In a few, short weeks I will be quitting my dream job of fifteen years as a Sea World as animal trainer to become a full time fisher of men.
The Holy Spirit gave me the following scriptures. Peter and John are going to the temple for prayer time in Acts 3:2. “Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going in to the temple courts. “ The man asked Peter and John for money. Acts 3:6 “Then Peter said, ‘Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have, I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.’ ”
Here is the cool part that applies to Big Fish Ministries. Acts 3:7-8 7 “Taking him by the right hand, [Peter] helped him up and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. 8 He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping and praising God.”
Our ministry and my church fellowship stand as Peter and John taking homosexual strugglers by the hand and helping them “up”. We help guys find freedom from their “crippling conditions” and then we walk alongside them into “the temple courts.” We serve, worship and live life together. We equip them to go back to their own “lives” and share the hope of Jesus with others.
We have had victories and defeats. Setbacks simply shape the way we plan for the future. Men have encountered Jesus as a result of this ministry. Whether or not they choose to embrace it, we've helped them discover the truth. In today’s culture where all things gay are celebrated, our ministry is an affront to many people. The “Born Gay” agenda keeps people who want out of homosexuality sequestered and paints those of us who adhere to a biblical view on homosexuality as “Haters” and “Bigots”. As long as there are men that need rescuing, our testimonies will be shared and our doors will be open. And that’s What Jesus Did, for me.