Run Like You Mean It

It’s January in Florida.  Similar to Hillary Clinton’s political stances on, well, everything that statement is fluid.  The weather could be balmy and hot, enviable to all our northern neighbors.  January in Florida means that Mother Nature displays more personalities than the Housewives of New Jersey.  Thunderstorms. Heat waves.  Arctic blasts.  Come to think of it, there is only one thing that is consistent in January in Florida, the Disney Marathon.

Unless there is lightning.  Lightning forces people to hide under rocks with some even threatening to move to Canada to avoid the impending doom.  Wait that was something else…anyway.  Around this time of year, I sign up to volunteer at the Disney Marathon and my friend Kim Bennett signs up to run.  Kim runs almost 50 miles in what Disney has nicknamed the “Dopey Challenge”.  A 5K, 10K, half marathon and full marathon run back to back, over four days.  It’s the one time all year we get real “Face-time”.

I watch Kim’s life on Facebook throughout the year.  Not with the same intent that some of you watch your exes, but rather to see what my friend and her family’s latest adventure.   Kim is what many would call an elite runner.  She’s focused.  She trains.  Running isn’t a hobby for Kim, it’s a lifestyle.

I met Kim when I worked at Sea World.  She and I got into a little trouble together, because every time management would cook up a big, thick, steaming bowl of horse puckey, Kim and I would stand up and ask them to take the first taste, before they served it up to the employees.  There was one thing about Kim that I never really respected or understood back in the day.  When the “lunch bell” rang, every dang one of us were focused on eating, except Kim.  She’d go to the locker room, slip on her workout clothes, a pair of sneakers and a headset.  She would then proceed to run the back road at Sea World for 30 minutes of her lunch.  Hell, it took me 30 minutes just to get my food from the cafeteria.  When we would go off property, we would always invite Kim.  More often than not, she would politely decline, in lieu of her normal routine.  I’ll be honest, I thought it was silly.  I could never imagine running unless being chased by a bear, but Kim was dedicated to her sport, and she let no one’s opinion or influence stand in her way.

All these many years later, I see that Kim and I have two very different outcomes to show for the things we focused on.  Kim continues to run almost 12 years after we met and I still take about 30 minutes to order from the menu.  Kim set her eyes on the horizon not the road under her feet.  She set moderate goals that eventually led her to achieve monumental accomplishments.  It’s a principle we could all apply to our everyday lives and our spiritual walk.

Kim’s husband Tom is a writer.  He’s one of the first, All-American, straight, firefighter guys who actively engages the creative side of his brain.  If you were to look at them on the street, you would see just an average, everyday couple who love each other, life and their son.  But if you were to look deeper, ask some in depth questions, you would unpack a richness and zest for life you wouldn’t get from a cursory glance.

Now you might think that from hearing me gush about Kim that we are the best friends ever and I meet her and Tom every Monday for dinner.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, at one point, when I was new to the dolphin show, I tried to kill Kim and her unborn child during a dolphin show.  She was in the water near the glass, I didn’t see her and I sent a dolphin on a fast swim around the perimeter of the pool.  The dolphin came within inches of taking her out.  I was devastated, frustrated with myself and speechless.  Kim made sure to let me know that she wasn’t happy with my actions, but she didn’t hold a grudge for too long.  We eventually got to place where we were fine and I learned a lot from her.  I would consider her a good friend.  We have a shared history and a mutual respect for one another.  She shares my moderate disdain for dumb people and my witty sense of humor

The Disney Marathon starts at 6 AM tomorrow.  As I was preparing every stitch of winter gear to battle the current arctic blast, I received a text message from Kim.  “Hope Disney is providing you with winter coats tomorrow.”  At 330 AM I leave for Disney World to hand out “ice pops”, normally cups of water, to marathoners at mile 23.1.  Another friend came to Florida to volunteer for the race, but canceled his shift yesterday.  His tolerance for being outside drops in conjunction with the falling mercury.  I didn’t judge my friend, but I was disappointed he wasn’t coming.  I thought to myself, if these runners can run 26.2 miles in the cold, surely I can brave the weather and hand out water, bundled up like Ralphie’s little brother Randy from “A Christmas Story”.

My friend had signed up because I asked him to.  He didn’t really have any level of commitment other than it sounded like something fun to do.  Kim on the other hand, had practiced for moments like this from the moment she slipped on that first, snug fitting Nike and hit the open road.  Two people.  Two perspectives.  Two different levels of commitment.  Let me share the rest of my text message from Kim.

“See you at 23.1.  I’ll be the one freezing.”  To my one friend, the frigid temperature was a deal breaker.  To Kim, the cold was simply one more obstacle on the way to to the finish line.  Not for a second had thought she thought of canceling.  Kim didn’t make a decision based on her comfort.  She made a decision based on her goals.  Kim’s drive has so many spiritual parallels.

If comfort is our goal, then the enemy will take every opportunity to steer us off course with disaster.  However, if living for Jesus is the goal, then everything the enemy throws in our path will simply be obstacles on the way to God.

What is it that has your spiritual walk sidelined right now?  What stands in between you and not only Jesus, but living your life to the fullest.  Jesus says in the bible that He wants us to experience life and life more abundantly.  Are we doing that?  As I told you, I thought Kim was silly to run, day after day, month after month.  What I realize now is that she wasn’t simply running, she was building a legacy; brick by brick.

The disciples must have viewed Jesus much like I viewed Kim.  They thought Him silly to have worked so hard and ended up on the cross anyway.  To them, the pain and discomfort of the cross prevented them from seeing the bigger picture.  Ultimately Jesus knew that the cross was never meant to be the end of His life.  Jesus knew, it was just the beginning.

Jesus: Light in the Fog

Technically, I should be sleeping.  No one told my brain.  A few days ago, I did the typical end of the year cleaning which fostered a mess of emotional excavation.  Ricky Lee.  The name of a person you have never met.  He wasn’t a rock star, or a politician or anyone particularly important.  He was, however, one of my best friends.

Ricky’s mom and my mom were best friends.  My mom didn’t have a lot of friends in our small town, but she and Linda were close.  Ricky was born a few months before me.  We were atypical boys.  Ricky’s mom dabbled in hair dressing and as a result, Ricky dabbled as well.  More at home playing with “girly” things than “boy” things, Ricky was teased by the other boys.  I hung out with Ricky when our mom’s would get together.  I didn’t mind the stuff that Ricky liked, because I wasn’t really into the stuff other boys liked either.

Our father’s couldn’t have been more different.  Mine was uber religious and Ricky’s was bit more worldly; rough and tumbled.  It didn’t matter.  Neither one of us were particularly close to our fathers.  We skied through our early lives, using our mother’s apron strings to propel us along.  Our brothers hung out as well.  Buddy was my brother and Billy was Ricky’s.  There was 5-6 years between us and brothers.  They didn’t share our delicate nature and normal everyday guys.  If either of our mom’s ever agreed to let our brother’s babysit us, the result was often catastrophic.  A black eye here, multiple bruises there and on one occasion, I had to remove a dart from the soft tissue of my wrist.

I am not sure what would have come of our friendship if Ricky had made it past the age of seven.  Ultimately, it was contemplation I would not have to give any oxygen.  On Halloween of 1978, my friend Ricky was struck and killed by a car while trick or treating.  Our small town was paralyzed with the news.  You see, in a town of around 1500, everyone knows everyone.  So everyone knew Ricky, his mom, brother and dad.  Everyone knew his family and his relatives.  No matter how many rules and regulations could be enacted after that night about Halloween, it wouldn’t bring Ricky back.  Something in everyone’s spirit was broken that day.  It was my first introduction to death.  A concept I wouldn’t fully understand again, until my cousin’s mom died of cancer many years later.

At the age of 7 myself, I remember feeling sad for a few days, but as with any seven-year-old mind, life goes on.  On the stage of my life nothing seemed to change.  However, it was craziness going on behind the scenes that would change my life forever.  My brother would be sexually molested by a man in our town, a story I wouldn’t hear until well into my 30’s.  And another little boy, in another city named Aaron went missing and my mother went into panic mode.  From that moment on, my life was on lock down.  I know that my mother and father were doing everything they could to protect me the harsh realities of the world, but in the process, I was secreted away and locked in a glass coffin as the world went on around me.

There would be other events in my life that no amount of parental supervision would protect me from.  I was exposed to pornography at age 6.  I was sexually molested by boys closest to me in age.  I was teased mercilessly, by those who didn’t have a window into my past, but only a view of the wretched canvas, satan’s tricks had painted in my life.

I have spent the last 18 years sorting through the rubble of a wrecked life.  Emotional Time Traveler has been the longest running accomplishment on my life’s, ever changing resume.  I’ve dealt with bullies on either side of the gay issue: gay and straight.  I have been attacked by those in the church and those in the gay community.  It seems that no matter how God calls me to live my life, someone is always in disagreement with me.  In some respects, at the age of 45, having gone over every aspect of my life with a microscope, I have to say I am numb to the banter of idiots who haven’t lived my life, telling me what is good for me.  Some say I was “born this way”.  Some say there is no hope of redemption.  Some say nothing.  Most hurtful, are those who know the truth of the bible on homosexuality and my story of redemption from it, and decide that being gay is just simply a part of God’s design.  God will never sign off on sexual lives contradictory to His Word and design for marriage.  

More than ever before, it’s time I stop listening to the cacophony of voices shouting all manner of lies.  Cowards whose strength and courage emanate from the far side of a keyboard, rather than in face to face conversation.

Despite all the horrendous things that happened to me.  I needn’t delve further into the raw hand I have been dealt in this life, because at the end of each and every trial that I survived, it wasn’t because of anything I could have handled on my own.  I didn’t rise up from the ashes, as many in our world do, each time shouting a new meaningless verbal diatribe that will get me through to my next endeavor.  I made it through the hard times, because as sure as there is a satan that brought on the attacks, there is a God in the sky who brings about the victory.  Jesus Christ was the only reason I survived the teasing, the bullying and the constant emotional and physical bombardment of my mom’s bi-polar rants from my birth to her death.

Well meaning Christians can tell you all manner of things when you worry or have fear.  And they do. Anyone can stand at a safe distance and throw a thimble of watered down scripture on life consumed by the raging fires of fear and worry and feel accomplished, while doing absolutely no good.  It takes real people who have experienced the redeeming power and friendship of Jesus Christ to walk with a brother in the throws of devastation.

Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  As I contemplated the last year; really the last few months, I stand firm on my faith that no matter how hard life gets, Jesus always had it harder.  Jesus didn’t cause my pain and suffering.  Jesus did use it to shape the man I am today.  Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life.  He is the only reason I left my gay life so many years ago and the only reason I stay away to this day.  Jesus is the friend with the answers when I’m staring endlessly at the cell phone wondering who will think I am the least craziest.  I haven’t been as faithful as I should have these last few months.  Maybe you haven’t either, but I was reminded by a small voice tonight that God’s grace has no expiration date.

Dissecting the Bible to (OUR) Death

A lovely friend of mine in Denmark sent me a posting of another well meaning pastor who says he's done his own research and came up with the idea that homosexuality in it's monogamous form is well, okay, in he and his wife's eyes.  I thought, well that's great and all, but God still has the same plan for men and women that he had back in Genesis.  So...even if you have decided the plan is negotiable for you, there is no real need for revision.  It's a good plan.  A great plan.  

I always find it interesting when married Christian couples who compassionately reach out to the gay community, encourage them to settle for a sanitized sinful life rather than to believe God for what they themselves have; biblical, God designed marriage between a man and a woman.  Anyway.  I wrote a response to this pastor.  I was calm and level headed.  I didn't say anything I'll need to write and apologize about tomorrow.  The scary part is that this pastor is not the first and he won't be the last Christian who is side stepping scripture on this one particular sin.  It would seem that although homosexuality is listed among many sins in the bible, it has a great public relations team.  There are those whose job it is to tirelessly work daily to singled out homosexuality , polish it up and strategically infiltrate churches and culture to get their poisoned apple beliefs in front of anyone willing to take a bite. My response.

"I came across this post from a friend of mine. I left homosexuality in 1999. God led me out. My story is not welcome in the LGBTQ community. I have received almost zero of the tolerance they demand from the rest of the world. For 17 years now I've stood firm on the word of God that showed me homosexuality is a sin and not in God's plan for his people. I'm saddened that so many in the church are changing their views on scripture or worse yet changing and reinterpretting scripture to condone sin. While those folks may be firm in their faith, their twisting of scripture is leading others in the opposite direction of the gospel and eternal life. We are to be Christians with no modifiers in front of that name or otherwise we are mixing the Spirit of God with the ideals of our flesh. I walked out of homosexuality by the grace and leading of God. Scripture and truth set me free. What modern day scholars are doing to the word in the bane of homosexuality is appalling. You can make any text say what you want if you dissect it to pieces and look at scripture verse by verse rather than holistically. God is not an unprepared God my friend. If same sex marriage was in his plan from the beginning, surely he would have laid a foundation for it as he laid for heterosexual marriage. So many folks looking to legitimize homosexual sin read the bible and see what is not there as a means to prove their arguments. We need to be looking at the bible and living by what is there rather than looking for loopholes. God listed Homosexuality among others sins over and over. You don't see anyone out on a Public relations your for the other sins it's is written among. But we've let our that we've wronged people cause an over correction in our faith. Rather than apologizing and recovering scripture in love, we've back peddled, over corrected and exchanged the truth of God for a lie. LGBTQ may feel good in that moment, but unless they allow the truth of Jesus to change their life-threatening you've signed them up for an eternity separated from God. I urge you to contact those like me who have walked away from homosexuality. Sure there are those who have tried and say it didn't work. waking away from homosexuality and sin in general isn't something you try on for size, and return if it doesn't fit. Repentance is the practice of a lifetime. I still believe freedom from homosexuality is possible, but if the church has stopped adhering to the truth of the word, then maybe it's still not such a safe place after all. I run a ministry called Big Fish in Central Florida. I have dedicated my life to helping men and women walk out of homosexuality. God is still in the business of rescuing those trapped in sin, even when the church behind to place more value on someone emotions rather than the truth of scripture. There is a way to represent the truth about God designed sexuality for a man and a woman and love the LGBTQ community well. Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

If are interested in reading what the pastor wrote, here it is in detail.   I'll warn you.  It is long.  I feel like he could have said what he needed to say in three or four paragraphs.  It almost seems like he's trying to desperately find support for a topic that is biblically flawed.  Maybe he's trying to convince himself.

"Where I stand on LGBTQ…

----------------------------------

As you read this and consider responding, please also remember that this is not a private conversation between us. There are many who are reading this who do not hold your view on God, religion, politics, or your view on LGBTQ. Please be respectful and kind in your comments. There is a real human on the other end of every Facebook post and tweet that God loves just as much as He loves you.

While there have been many who have responded with personal attacks and unfair generalizations, I want to thank everyone who has privately and publically encouraged us (even those who disagree) with the love of Christ. You know our hearts. You know our commitment to God’s Word. You know our commitment to Jesus and to loving people. Thank you for fighting for the Kingdom. God is able. He is still in control.

---------------------------------

To be clear…

Jen and I are 100% on the same page regarding her recent interview about our love and hope for the LGBTQ community. This is a journey we have been on together. We both believe a same-sex marriage, as a life-long monogamous commitment, can be holy before God.

While this is not meant to be a complete and final explanation, let me share with you a little about our journey and how we got here:

The last 10 years of our ministry we’ve tried our best to learn what it means to “love mercy and seek justice”. In order to do this, we’ve learned we must first identify pain and suffering that we might normally miss. We’ve seen it among the poor, among the orphan, among those affected by unexplainable natural disasters, and among the sick. We’ve seen it in everyday people like you who have faced a personal crisis, experienced oppression, depression, racism, sexism, have loved ones dying, teenagers off the rails, marriages in shambles, and private struggles no one else knows about.

We’ve seen so much pain among the LGBTQ community: Suicidal teenagers. Divided families. Split churches. So. Much. Pain.

That said, Jen and I have attempted in the past several years simply to lead the church to a better posture towards the LGBTQ community. Although we held a traditional view at the time, we have always felt convicted to lead with a concern for those on the outside who might feel hopeless, more than we have with a concern for our inside critics.

Because of this, we have been consistently criticized, challenged, pressed, bullied, and pushed to make a clear stance on where we land on the topic. As the criticism grew louder, more demanding, and more confusing to those we partner with, serve with, represent, and love, we felt obligated to take a new and hard look inward to be able to explain our position with love.

In doing so, we realized that while we had heard sermons listing homosexuality as a clear sin, and we had read all the verses referenced, that we had personally neglected to do the hard work of faithfully studying the scriptures as we typically would.

So we committed to a season of study and prayer.

We started with scripture (Again, please assume a ton of prayer). For more than a year we studied every version of every verse in the Bible that appeared to discuss “homosexuality”. We studied the Greek. We studied the Hebrew. We read every commentary we could find related specifically to the related passages.

As we would for any topic seeking truth, we did our best to look at each verse with fresh eyes. We applied all the rules to faithfully and ethically interpret scripture: We considered the type of literature, the context in which each was written, what other scriptures say about it giving clues to God’s intent, and viewed each through the lens of the Gospel.

The historical view is that scripture is clear on homosexuality. What we found is that it’s not as simple as traditionally taught.

I have a journal completely full of notes where I can walk through each passage and reference that could explain our shift, but the most relevant and critical common thread we found in scripture was this:

Every verse in the Bible that is used to condemn a “homosexual” act is written in the context of rape, prostitution, idolatry, pederasty, military dominance, an affair, or adultery. It was always a destructive act. It was always a sin committed against a person. And each type of sexual interaction listed was an abuse of God’s gift of sex and completely against His dream for marriage to be a lifelong commitment of two individuals increasingly and completely giving themselves to one another as Christ did for the church.

But not one of these scriptures was written in the context of marriage or civil union (which simply did not exist at this time). Each act mentioned in the Bible was sin, no doubt. In context, we believe the same today. Just like heterosexual sex outside of marriage is sin for obvious reasons, whether consensual or not, we still believe homosexual sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Take heart, our shift is not a departure from our everlasting love, dependency, and belief in the authority and infallibility of scripture. In fact, this is the exact opposite to a departure. We’ve always believed that the Bible holds up. No matter our question, fear, concern, or confusion, we can press into the Bible and we will find the truth. It has held for thousand of years without blemish. Still does today.

In the same way, we then studied what the Bible says about marriage. Every verse. We studied what scripture describes as God’s original design, God’s gift of sex and procreation, and God’s intent for the relationship. We considered it through the lens of God’s redemptive plan from Genesis to Revelation. We viewed it as the most disciple-making relationship ever dreamed where two individuals learn to increasingly give themselves wholly to each other as Christ did the church. We dug deep into considering which of the Bible’s teaching on marriage was a description of whatever the current state of marriage was at the time each book was written and which of the Bible’s teaching was a prescription for how marriage should be.

Bottom line, we don’t believe a committed life-long monogamous same-sex marriage violates anything seen in scripture about God’s hopes for the marriage relationship.

The conversation about God’s dream for marriage is so incredibly nuanced. I’m not trying to define it in one quick post, There’s more to say about this, only to give you an insight to the many facets of our journey.

From there we began to prayerfully meet with people to discuss what we were learning. We engaged in hours of conversations with theologians, bishops, pastors, authors, and church leaders individually and through community on both sides of the argument.

While some people have certainly shifted their view of scripture, we’ve found that the majority of affirming Christians have not “abandoned” the Bible in order to shift their thinking, as many accuse. In fact, there are many brilliant theologians and authors like, David Gushee, who was known for decades as one of America’s leading evangelical ethicists, who have shifted their view on this after years of holding a traditional view.

We found that there are a ton of people asking questions privately, praying, and studying but are fearful to ask questions publically for fear of being judged or ostracized. So many of you are on this journey as well.

We read numerous books from both affirming and non-affirming authors (Specifically those who hold scripture as their starting point). Can You Be Gay and Christian by Michael Brown (Non-affirming), People to be Loved by Preston Sprinkle (Non-affirming), Space at the Table by Brad & Drew Harper (Non-affirming but sympathetic), Changing our Mind by David Gushee (Affirming), The Bible’s Yes to Same Sex Marriage by Mark Achtemeier (Affirming), Unclobber by Colby Martin (Affirming), among others. Every chapter in each book has pages underlined, was cross referenced, noted, and read over and over again.

We even studied some historical texts that give cultural context to scripture. We reviewed biological research and findings. We researched the claims behind the Kinsey Scale which gives insight to our sexuality (Which if you haven’t researched you should, It makes sense of why one person’s journey does not match another person’s journey or to speak authoritatively as a one-size fits all solution).

We did some heavy lifting. But we didn’t do it and I didn’t write this to try and change YOUR mind. That is the work of the Holy Spirit.

But I did write this to challenge each of you who have neglected the hard work of study, reading, discussion, and prayer to invite the Spirit to lead you. Don’t study to be right, study to find the truth. You have nothing to fear, trust that God will lead you. But wherever you land, don’t be ignorant and uninformed about it.

Being informed invites the Spirit to lead, reduces our defensiveness, and gives us the confidence to love better.

Listen, regardless of what we think, many of our churches are not safe places for LGBTQ. Every Sunday, people searching for hope and community sit in confusion, condemnation, private pain, and the fear of being singled out, publicly humiliated, and being rejected. The exact opposite of what we all hope for.

Regardless of where you stand or eventually land, our belief is that the church can do so much better in handling this conversation and that we can do so much better in how we treat one another along the way.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:34-35"

"Let Me Outta Here!"

Good morning from Dubai.  That's just a little to the right of Florida. Oh and by the way.  It's 5:13 am. I didn't just get up. I have been up since 2 am. It's not jet lag either. I purposefully set my alarm for 1:45 am.   I needed to get ready for a weekly phone call I make to two, amazing parents of a young man that struggling to navigate the waters of sexuality.  It is 6 pm on the east coast of the US. I love what I get to do.  I love that God lets me play a role in the restoration of families.  Even as every force in our ungodly world seeks to destroy or redefine the family, God still loves His original design.  Getting up at 2 am might seem like a huge inconvenience, but in light of eternity, it's a small sacrifice to be able to sow truth into someone's life.  The family I am chatting with love their son unconditionally and want God's best for his life. I have said it before and I will say it often, homosexuality is not God's best for our lives.  It is something I found myself settling for; when satan had me convinced that there was no way out and I falsely believed that God hated me.  Homosexuality is but a symptom of deeper, underlying issues.  I found that by getting ministry and healing for those underlying issues and my personal, sexual struggle begin to lose some of it's hold on my life.

I have been talking with these parents for a few months now.  God has revealed so many amazing things to all of us.  The Holy Spirit encouraged me to ask the parents to write down the good characteristics and qualities they see in their son: current and potential. The Holy Spirit also encouraged me to urge them to set up boundaries for their son, rather than to continually allow his brokenness to keep everyone in the house walking on eggshells.  In the weeks since doing these two simple tasks they have seen the words and qualities that they called forth in their son, begin to materialize. As my old Pastor, Joe would say, YAY GOD!!!  There are two scriptures I shared with them that demonstrates this principle.

Romans 4:17 As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.”  He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.

Genesis 1:2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.  3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

Even if we settle for making a comfortable place to lie down and rest in the midst of our sin, God sees us there and wants to speak like into our darkness.  The same way God spoke light into darkness and called something that didn't exist into being, is the same way He calls us out of sexual sin and brokenness.  Some churches have begun to speak out both sides of their mouth when it comes to the issue of biblical sexuality.  They say they are committed to the word of God, but then they turn around and rewrite and reinterpret it to make it say something about homosexuality that it doesn't say.  I can't be fooled or convinced by these new misguided revelations amongst the church community.  Why?   I wasn't just a tourist who once visited LGBTQ'ville.  I was a resident for over a decade.  These new revelations are nothing more than compassionate men being more moved by the emotions and persuasion of people, than by the Spirit of the Living God and the truth of His word.

Everything I do and share in regards to homosexuality flies in the face of modern day culture, gay marriage and changing societal beliefs.  Have you noticed that in addition to entertaining you, almost every other TV show out there is bent on indoctrinating you into seeing homosexuality and heterosexuality as equal?  Homosexuality is still sin, but we needn't treat those affected by it as exiles.  We must also not give them free reign to change every aspect of our culture and education.  I believe that children should grow up having compassion for everyone, while still living out a life based on biblical standards.  We have to hold the gay community close, live out a standard of biblical truth and let the Holy Spirit lead and guide them towards Jesus.  If we say their sin is okay and lead them in our beliefs, then we have placed an obstacle before our brother or sister and they will stumble.  We will be held responsible for what we teach that is not in alignment with scripture.

As soon as I land back in Orlando, I will plug back into a battle for the souls of our friends lost and trapped in the LGBTQ community that wish to be free.  We just don't hear from them, because to question or doubt homosexuality amongst the ranks of the LGBTQ is akin to mentioning that you are a Trump supporter.  It is met with a lack of intolerance that they fight vehemently against, but actively exercise when it's convenient for their cause.

For those who support me financially, thank you for allowing me this time away to rest and travel to Dubai and Kazakhstan.  It is a time of replenishment and rest for my soul.  Thank supporters and friends for your financial and prayer support that lets me do this ministry that God has laid on my heart. You are the backbone of my ministry.  I appreciate you. The families I am able to help appreciate you. Yours are the voices I hear when the world speaks all manner of lies about me.

Freedom from the bondage and the lure of homosexuality is still possible. I am living proof. My friends in ministry are living proof.  Jesus is the answer we should all seek for our loved ones affected by homosexuality. It is only in His name that anything spiritual is ever accomplished in our lives.

 If you are a family member of someone who struggles with homosexuality, regardless of whether they want help or not, you owe it to yourself to become educated on ministries like mine.  There are several throughout the US and around the world.  There are books and resources out there that can help you cope and find the courage and hope to fight against the enemy who is at work in the lives of your sons and daughters.  It is never, too late to start fighting for your loved one.  I don't care if they have been in the gay life for 4 days for 40 years.  God is indeed a God of rescue missions and setting His creation free from all manner of bondage.  His word says that we have not, because we ask not.  Let's begin to be a people that ask and petition God for the release of the captives.  

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound."  - Isaiah 61:1

M.

Little Rainbow That Could

Do you ever feel completely lost in the world?  Like some outside source has pressed pause on your life, as the rest of the world races about.  I am in a Starbucks in Toronto.  From Toronto to Orlando, it appears that Rainbow flag manufacturers have been working overtime.  This part of Toronto is steeped in gay culture.  While some folks are completely at home in such a place, I'm a little apprehensive and to be honest, a little hopeless. There are Canadian, rainbow flags, bank advertisements, businesses and even governmental organizations all proclaiming alliance with the gay community by the simple juxtaposition of their logos with rainbow flags.  One ATM stop sported a rainbow bulls-eye painted on the sidewalk and bank building.  In order to get cash you had to stand in the center of the rainbow.  I thought, how prophetic, every human stands in the epicenter of rainbow-ic influence.  It is all around us.

Almost overnight, LGBT influence grew exponentially, after the mass shooting in Orlando.  The message of freedom from homosexuality that I preach, was shunned before, but most politely disagreed.  Now any word spoken in opposition to the LGBTQ ideology stands a good chance of facing outright, religious persecution.  When banks and businesses invest in promoting the gay agenda, they have power to negatively impact the lives of anyone who has an unfavorable opinion of the proliferation of gay influence.  Can you imagine the power or the persecution if a bank or business tried to use it’s influence to proclaim the name of Jesus?

What might have initially started out as a push for equal rights has now festered into an all out push for influence, dominance, and ultimately power in the marketplace.  Those influencing public opinion from gay circles aren't out to equalize culture.  They are out to become the dominate voice in all rhetoric regarding sex, sexuality and religion, stifling all dissenting opinions by whatever means necessary.

Toronto has been eye opening.  Yesterday in one part of the city there was a Jesus-fest and in another, people celebrating gay Pride.  Interestingly enough, a group of influential people in the city tried to stop the Jesus event, but many petitioned and Jesus won.  Imagine the backlash if Christian leaders had attempted to squelch the Pride event?

We are facing a time, not only in our country, but in the world where Christians need to be doing two things simultaneously.  We need to be on our knees in prayer for the lost, not just for those in the gay community, but the lost in general.  We must also continue to speak the name of Jesus and share our testimonies, despite the persecution.  Hebrews 13:6 says "...so that I may say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not fear what man can do to me."  Every human needs Jesus.  Not allah.  Not Buddha.  Not Love, Light and positive energy, for goodness sakes that sounds like a description for a new Microwave, anyway.  Just Jesus.  If we, as Christians presented a more approachable demeanor, maybe the lost would leave their false gods and flock to the voice of the One True God.

Not so many years ago, it was Christians proclaiming their faith in the public sector, while gay men and women celebrated quietly and cautiously in silence.  I should know.  I was one of those men, scared and afraid of Christians and suffering in silence.  Now, many Christians share their faith with great trepidation, as the world proclaims allegiance and alliance with the LGBT gods.  No person should cower in fear from another.  Neither should the gay community call the stifling of Christian beliefs, tolerance, when their actions are more indicative of a dictatorship.

Christians must bring Jesus to the world in an effective way.  The bible says that an effective, fervent prayer will accomplish much.  It’s presumptuous to expect the world to come find Jesus where we are.  Some of them have been to our churches and for whatever reason have left.  Those who haven't been to our churches base their opinions off conversations with unsatisfied, church customers.

Whatever the case, someone has got to swallow their pride and reach over the burgeoning wall that's been under construction for decades.  They may steeped in Pride, but we are seasoned with the Holy Spirit.  Greater is He is that is in us people, than he that is in the world.  Remember?  The word calls us to leave the 99 and search for the one.  Jesus says, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel.”  He never said, fight to prove you are right.

I think of the scripture in Ephesians 6:12 that says "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”  Satan is the enemy.  Humans are affected by the spiritual influences whether they believe in it or not.  We believe, so we know how to fight for the lost, even as they hate and disagree with us.  They are still beloved by God and so talented and gifted by God.

Even though I feel deep love and pity for my gay friends, I am troubled to see Orlando synonymous with the rainbow flag.  It is a Godly symbol that has been hijacked by the gay community and promotes oppression and rebellion, not freedom.  My heart aches as a banner of brokenness flies over Orlando.  Yet, I am reminded that the hurting and lost need our prayers, not resentment and cold shoulders.   My church and others have stepped up to embrace the needs of those affected by the tragedy.  A tragedy committed against a community I used to call home.  I am grateful that churches are placing value on individual lives.  I still have friends in the gay community.  I would mourn their loss if they were senselessly taken from this world.

Satan uses every angle to drive a wedge between God and the God’s creation.  He uses death and destruction.  He occasionally dabbles in emotional manipulation.  Ministry to the LGBTQ+ community will look different in Orlando going forward.  As a Christian man who walked away from the sin of homosexuality, I am called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.  That gospel calls people to repent of their sin, not tolerate it.  For sure I will offend with tales of my journey, though not my intention.  The gospel is offensive, because it points out our carnal nature and commands us to live better.  When Oprah says live better everyone cheers.  Let Jesus speak the same words and people start reaching for their stones.  Yet, the gospel can be preached with love and compassion more effectively than with anger and vengeance.

I believe that a time of persecution is coming for Christians in America who speak the truth in regards to all sin.  If they would begin to speak the truth rather than slink into silence.  God is our fortress in times of trouble.  The enemy of God seeks to destroy lives and attack anyone who lives according to the gospel of Christ.  God does not leave us hopeless and lost.  He sent Jesus as the answer to the question of our sin.  He also gave us commandments in his word.

“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land.” -2 Chronicles 7:14

My Heart. Pulse Shooting.

I’m currently in Anchorage, Alaska, 4 hours behind my home city of Orlando.  Orlando, a city whose every heartbeat centers around theme parks and attractions.  The world vacations here.  As the world looks on, tragedy breached our walls.  I woke this morning to texts of “Are you okay?” and “Have you heard the news?”.  I was transported back to the morning of the Oklahoma City Bombing.  I was awakened by a friend to tragic news from my home state.  This type of evil is not something you get used to.  It is a loss that steals your breath away and freezes your soul to the core.  I have been in ministry to the gay and ex-gay community, since I walked away from homosexuality in 1998.  After spending 1999 in Oklahoma I moved to Orlando in January of 2000.  I fell in love with Orlando.  Nothing closes for long.  There is something to do every moment of the day.  A year after I moved, American lives would change forever as terrorists stole away our national security and momentarily, our confidence to travel by air.  I worked for Sea World at the time and on 9/12 there were 400 people in the park.  It appeared that evil had won.  Orlando was quiet for a few months, as if holding our breath in anticipation of what was next.

Fast forward to these past few days.  As I texted one friend after another and found them safe, my heart quieted a bit.  The ominous weight of death plagued my heart for days.  This senseless, barbaric tragedy happened in my city, to my community.  Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Orlando.  There are young men and women in their 20’s and 30’s who entered eternity last night.  There are family’s deprived of brothers, sisters, uncles, fathers and daughters.  Someone’s little girl will never come home again.  Unspoken words will never be voiced.  That should cause each of us a moment of pause for prayer.  Now is the time to mourn for those who lost their lives, minister to the wounded and step alongside families experiencing loss.   If we can be the church to the LGBTQ+ community in Orlando, then evil will not triumph and we will be true servants of Jesus.

I have had the privilege of doing life together with a few gay men in Orlando.  I have witnessed their God-given gifts at work.  I have experienced their talents at theme parks and church services alike.  Like it or not, I have given guidance to young men about abusive boyfriends, breakups, divorce and suicidal thoughts.  I have hugged and held them when they were hurting and supplied them with furniture, food, time and tears.  In short, I have given them my heart.  One doesn’t have to agree with another's sexual orientation to share Jesus with a world in pain.  My years as a gay man, serve as a reference library as I minister Jesus to the LGBTQ+ community.

How much longer can we be Christians who worship God openly on Sunday, yet hide Him away for the rest of our week?  If we can meet a human need and we choose not to do so, the bible calls that sin.  You might find yourself asking, "Do I have a ministry?"  The answer is yes.  If you have a heart and a voice, you are equipped to minister to the victims of this heinous crime.  God tells us to go into all the world and preach the gospel.  Satan has brought the fight to our city.  He has taken loved ones and souls from us, who are dear to God.

20 years ago I could have easily been one of those young people in that club.   I grew up in a Christian home.  I knew all the right things to say and do.  I had also been hurt and wounded by the church and most, every man I encountered.  I didn't set out, looking to be sinful.  I was looking for a safe place to belong and be valued; to quiet the source of my raging pain.  I was running from demons inside my head.  The clubs were my safe places.  They still are to many men and women in the gay community today.    

Christian friends and family.  It’s not time to picket and criticize.  It is time to pray that Jesus would reach your gay friend or loved one them with the message of eternal life.  Find out the name of every club in your city, gay or straight, and commit to pray over them.  Google the club addresses, get in your car and commit an act of drive by praying.  Some people go clubbing for a night of partying, but for some in the gay community the bar is their church, social club, home away from home and a refuge from the world.  Lest we forget how many safe places we retreated to before Jesus finally led us home.  Respond with grace.  Listen well.  Share the truth of the gospel.  Pray relentlessly for the lost souls.  They may not know what's at stake.  We do.

To my gay friends and their families.  I am deeply, sorry for your loss.  I may have physically left the gay community, but my heart remains for those who are alienated, rejected and wounded.   May God bless you and keep you safe.  I pray that you will experience the love of Christians around you and that each of you would experience the love of Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ loves you.  God loves you.  If you have been marginalized by the Christian community, I pray that the Holy Spirit would not only comfort you, but draw you to a loving church community.  I pray you would experience the true nature of God.  I pray against any enemy that would steal, kill and destroy further.  That each and every one of the remaining survivors would experience full recovery.  I praise God that so many people were able to escape the club safely.  May God guide the hand of the doctors working to save lives.  May you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit as we begin to heal as a city.  I pray all this in the name of Jesus.  

Every Thorn Has It's Rose

Photo Booth

Today would have been my mom’s 70th birthday.  Her name is Hazel…“like a nut,” she would say, “because I’m kinda crazy.”  If mom were alive, she would be celebrating at a local BBQ place or Incredible Pizza, which is actually dad’s favorite.  She left a lot of hope and humor behind in her letters.  My mom, Hazel Ann Walker, wrote long letters; lots of them.  Each, a delightful rambling on work, recipes, my dad and life. One of our best memories was the Thanksgiving I volunteered to help cook.  I got bored so I flew the 15 lb., uncooked bird around the kitchen before ultimately posing it like a Playboy centerfold on the sink.  Mom tried not to laugh, but when she saw the beheaded fowl provocatively positioned, she couldn’t hold it in.

Mom was the reason I got a college degree and could prepare an entire meal from scratch.  She was also the source of great emotional upheaval in my life.  Creative and tough, she did her best to keep her tortured past in the past.  She sacrificed for the good of others.  Scanning back over stacks of hand written letters, I realize that in the midst of our thorny relationship, some beautiful roses grew.  I would love to share my mom with you; in her own words.

Dear Son,                                           January 25, 1994, 1:20 PM

I love you and am concerned about you.  I love you very much (Daddy does to) and I never want you to doubt it. We are very proud of you.  We all feel trapped, scolded, hurt and confused.  At those times, take time to look at ourselves kindly.  Breathe in God’s life and celebrate that He loves us.  Grace is a gift of God.  We are not perfect.  We are humans.  We need to accept ourselves as such.  LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH!  As you pass through this world you’ll wear many different shoes.  You’ll never know how they feel on the other person till you’ve worn them yourself.

Life is an attitude and it depends on one’s own.  I’ve never been to college or anywhere else, but I’ve lived 46 years in this hard, old world.  Things happen that are good and BAD.  Just learn to hang in there.  Take it day by day.  Do not worry as your mother does.  It hurts God when you do.  I’ve tried to protect all of my children from hurt and the world.  That is wrong!  The way you grow up is to take on responsibility.  I think you want adult privileges, but no adult responsibility.  I want so many things for you.  Some things I want for you, money can’t buy: a good relationship with the Lord, happiness, self-confidence and positive thinking.

When you are older you’ll tend to mellow a bit. When you’re young your feelings are intense. They seem to be right up front.  It took me over 40 years to grow up in some areas of my life.  That sounded good didn’t it?  The courses you are taking are hard. Do the best you can do. I’m sure everyone who has been to college or done anything worthwhile has run into HARD times. If I look behind me and see some of the things I’ve gone through, there was some point I thought that I couldn’t have done them.  Dad & I are behind you 100%.  You can tell the Lord anything. I have and you know me! Just call upon him. Please try to go to church once a week.                                                     Love, Hazella

Son,                                                             October 27, 1992   9:15 a.m.

The world’s a better place because you’re in it!  A little crazier, maybe, but better!  (As a rule) only buy things on sale.  There is too little good in this world so spread it around.  I wore my pants backwards and Dad pooped his.  I laughed so much I threw up in the Wal-Mart parking lot and almost wet my pants.  I couldn’t get the door unlocked or window open fast enough for Jack.  He just sat there yelling.  It was a good afternoon for us.  Today is another beautiful day in Oklahoma.  I told Daddy no one would have us we’re too rotten.  I fed him hot cookies and milk at about ten last night.

I have made 10 loaves of Zucchini bread and 3 pans of orange rolls. I really need to diet, but I really love to eat. I love you and wish you well.  You need to really do some soul searching. Do you want to be an adult and accept all responsibility?  Or do you want to be a child?  No one can make these decisions for you.

I think one thing I’d really like is a clean house and nice curtains.  I guess I don’t or I would have them.  I’ve thrown away a big sack of my clothes. Aren’t you proud of me?  I know you can do good, but living life is not easy. It’s not a party everyday or a t-shirt. What really bothers me about being short staffed at work is not doing the kind of work I like to do; good work.

I’ve written bigger checks to you than anyone in my 43 years. You never know what is going to happen in your life. The Lord will help you and guide you. You need to let the Bible help you. Daddy prays for all of us. I just wish I had his faith.

We’ve always wondered if stinky people can smell themselves or if they just think it’s someone else.  I told Daddy when we got in bed Tuesday night why don’t you ever think of your legs, shoulders, hips, and knees when you’re young?  Cause they don’t hurt.

Love, Mother

Matty,

We went to church last night and had a good service. I feel so much better after I go.  The Bible says if your enemy is hungry, give him food. If he is thirsty, give his something to drink. This will make him feel ashamed of himself, and God will reward you.  I have really been trying to do better, but it’s so hard to be a Christian. The devil (so daddy says) has been putting the most horrible thoughts in my mind.  I have been reading my Bible more. For awhile I read it and none of it made sense.  Jesus is always there. Always the same.

I think someone needs to draw a picture for new Christians, so they can succeed in living a Christian life.  Prayer, Bible reading, and Christian fellowship.  Sometimes I feel like an idiot trying to be a Christian. I see things like I’ve never seen them before. I was a Christian for several years when you were small.

You are not gaining a thing by comparing yourself to someone else. I hope you will realize this and stop it.  There is always someone worse off.  Just keep looking around and you are blessed. You have a healthy body, good mind, common sense, good personality, and good looking. What you are doing (I feel in making changes) is growing up! It hurts and we don’t like it, but it’s a fact.  If you want to excel in college, it should be top priority after the Lord. I asked you to attend church once a week. More for you than for me.

Are you running from the Lord? Please don’t think I’m preaching. I’ve always felt like you had a job to do here for the Lord.  Are you maybe running from yourself?  Twenty‑four hours in a day are yours.  I keep telling myself I have the same 24 hours Helen Keller had!  When we were first married we wanted a new car, nice house, and furniture. Why?  Other people we knew had them. You want things and lot of them when you are younger.  This is the time you really can’t afford them, but when you’d enjoy them most. As you get older I think you appreciate what you get more.

A lot of people don’t have what your Dad & I have for our children and other people.  Believe it or not they would like to.  You can’t buy it with money.  Manners and being nice do not cost any money.  Always try to put yourself in the other fellow’s place and it may change your view.

I really don’t think God would have minded if I had stayed home to watch the Country Music Awards. I told Jack I think He likes country music. I did not want to end on 13 pages and now I’m to 15 pages.  I’m reading a book about Abraham Lincoln. He was very very smart and very religious. Also a good story teller. I just always think of him as tall, ugly and freeing the slaves.

P.S. Everybody has a cross to bear. Jesus loves us even though he knows our deepest thoughts. I’ve had PMS today. Poor Jack.                                  Love, Mother

Jack is my father; mom’s forever faithful husband.  He loved her unconditionally.  He showed me a Godly example of how to love a woman well, regardless.  In her absence, her letters share the very essence of a mother’s heart.

Her love for me is summed up in one sentence.  After attending my first college play where I portrayed an Indian brave wearing nothing more than a dance belt, body paint and a dish rag, she hugged me and said,

“I think you’re a real special guy; even in a loin cloth.”

Happy Birthday “June”!

Enough Already!

I haven't posted anything in months.  My apologies.  I still love Jesus.  I haven't decided to leave Christianity for the latest self honoring religious trend.  In all honesty, I was just kind of mentally exhausted.  I walked away from my gay life more than 17 years ago and instead of it getting easier to talk and share what God has done for me, the attacks and rhetoric of the "tolerant" left made it difficult to share.  There are so many opinions when it comes to my story of leaving homosexuality behind to follow God's true design for my life, and then there is the simple truth.  I wasn't born gay.  I thank God for that.  I was reminded tonight of a scripture in Psalm 139 that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  And that all God's works are wonderful.  That goes head to head with what I personally know and have experienced in gay culture and gay circles.  My gay life might have been pleasurable and fun for a time, but in the end it was anything, but wonderful. I had the distinct pleasure of praying with a father tonight whose son has been trying to slowly and steadily acclimate them to his gay life.  The most amazing thing about this father's journey with his son, was the fact that his love for his son was so evident.  The son can't see that homosexuality is not God's design for him, but with the leading of the Holy Spirit, the father sees it clearly.  It was my own father's prayers that awakened my soul to the calling of the Holy Spirit.  It was my father's constant battle in prayer that led me out of homosexuality and into the arms of Jesus.

I will never believe that myself or anyone was born gay.  I will forever believe that God's design for men who have been led down the path to homosexuality were indeed born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay.  So that brings me to the place of mental exhaustion.  There are times I forget that the fight is against powers and forces in the spirit realm and not against the people being manipulated by those forces here on earth.  No one likes to be called names or bullied or picked on.  And the gay community has gone to great lengths to end bullying in many venues, yet they employ those same skills to stifle  beliefs that conflict with theirs.  A few weeks ago I was verbally berated on our neighborhood Facebook page by a woman I had never met.

We posted our ministry name and our fundraising event on the page.  The lady took the time to look up our page and then post lie after lie after lie about Big Fish Ministry.  I sheltered the brunt of her rage silently for most of the day and then I shared it with some close friends.  The anger my friends felt for me felt good, because they know my story, my heart and they know the attack all too well.  We turned our anger into prayers for the woman.  Satan is the real enemy we are facing.  Not some internet bully.

In high school I faced down a bully that was twice my size and used words as lethal weapons that altered the course of my life for a time.  Now the only words that I choose to let alter the course of my life is the Word of God.  I have been verbally assaulted and had my character maligned more by men and women of the gay community, because of my testimony than I was ever assaulted when I was gay by straight people.  It's always interesting to me that the full initials of the gay community include a Q for "Questioning", but when you question the presence of homosexuality in your life like I did, and decide for God and against gay, the claws and insults come out.

This latest issue about transgender bathroom rights is less about transgender rights and more about altering the course of God's design and will for our gender.  Isn't it interesting that the very principles that God laid down in the book of Genesis regarding gender and marriage are the very things under attack today by satan.  The gay community is composed of men and women just like the "straight" community.  Satan works through people, places and things.  The gay community isn't the enemy, but they are being used by the enemy to alter God's design for man.

I find it interesting that the transgender community is more interested in having an entire nation honor their "rights", but show almost no concern for the implications that open restrooms are going to have on children.  At the end of the day, it isn't about gay, transgender or individual rights.  It's about the selfish nature of the human heart steeped in sin and in need of Jesus.  There is the mentality that "I want what I want when I want it and you had better not tell me No.  No one tells me No, because I have a right." If you tell me NO, you are a bigot, a hater.  You aren't a Christian, because God is love and if you aren't loving me by letting me have everything I want in life then you are wrong.

From having lived as a gay man for most of my life, I know the rampant immaturity of the gay community.  It is a vast network of men and women who have been hurt and rejected by the world and in some ways are working daily to make sure that those who have hurt them will never hurt them again.  The only problem with that is that "Hurt people, hurt people."  As the vast majority of gay men do, I grew up without a meaningful connection with my father.  I was blessed in that my father, though distant, was a Christian.  He loved me and reached out even when I was full of piss and vinegar toward him.  He prayed even when the life I was living gave him no hope.

So as it stands now, I am done being exhausted by the bullies in the gay community.  I am a voice for truth and hope for those men and women trapped in their gay lives by the one way, intolerant rhetoric of the gay agenda.  God has challenged me to set the captives free and proclaim freedom for those stuck in the prison walls.  Alan Chambers may have shuttered Exodus International, but the truth of God will not be silenced by any man regardless of how influential.  Change is still possible.  Freedom from homosexuality is still possible.  God is in the business of changing the hearts and lives of men.

The last time I posted a blog on this topic, I tried to boost it on Facebook.  The Facebook powers that be refused to allow me to boost it due to it's graphic nature.   I shouldn't be surprised.  Facebook is not a Christian based group.   Even talking to my friend in North Carolina who shared the truth of the Bathroom Legislation, I found out a truth that the liberal media blocked all of us from hearing.  I'm done with the censorship.  I'm done with the lies, slander and victimization myself and other "ex-gays" like me receive from groups that cry out "OFFENSE OFFENSE" whenever someone speaks that truth of God's word.  If those of us who know the truth refuse to stand up for it, regardless of the backlash, then we can't complain when everything goes to crap.

My name is Matthew Aaron Walker and in December of 1998, I walked away from a gay life with help of Jesus Christ.  He has the same legacy for you my friend.  Homosexuality is not God's design for your life.  There is a way out and His name is Jesus.

Let me be; that Man

Each morning, many members of the family of illuminate church read the same devotional from wherever they find themselves on the planet.  The devotion is the brainchild of Pastor Wayne Cordero and can be found here: www.lifejournal.cc.  We are currently reading selections from the book of Numbers, which, I know sounds about as riveting as having a root canal with no anesthetic.  BUT...I found this awesome nugget from God today.

So his guy named Balaam, yes the same Balaam with the talking Donkey, was being paid to put a curse Israel.  However, each time Balaam opened his mouth, God led him to bless Israel, which really angered the guy paying him to curse Israel. On the third try, the Spirit of God came over Balaam and he began a third and final blessing with these words.

Numbers 24:3b-4 "The utterance of the man whose eyes are opened, the utterance of him who hears the words of God, who sees the vision of the Almighty, who falls down , with eyes wide open." 

Here was my prayer to God after reading this scripture.  "I pray that I am that man. That my eyes be opened and no longer shrouded in fear. That my ears would be open to everything God is speaking and not just the things that I want to hear God say. That I have a taste and a desire for God's ultimate plan. That I remain humble in HIs presence and obedient to His call on my life, His vision for man and reverent to His name and vast resumé."  I pray that for each of you right now. Each of you as the man or woman that God created you to be.  God still has a plan for you.

Remember these people: 1) the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8, 2) the man crippled since birth in Acts 14, 3) the 10 lepers of Luke 17, 4) a beggar named Blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10, 5) the paralytic man of Mark 2 whose friends lowered him through the roof .

And finally this guy 6) The man in John 5 at the pool of Bethesda was sick for thirty-eight years.

Jesus saw this guy lying there. Jesus knew that he had been in that condition a long time. Jesus says to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”

How many times have you said, “I can’t", "I don’t know how",  "There’s no way”.

Jesus has come to say to us:  "I know what you struggle with",  "I know how long you have struggled with it", and "I’m not interested in your excuses and your explanations".

I just want to know one thing, “Do you want to be made well?”

Father God, I ask that you encourage every Christian who desires a closer walk with You today.  Give them ears to hear what You are speaking to them and over them.  Give them a vision for Your perfect will.  Lead them into a deeper relationship with You.  Amen.

Back in the Pool

On the short commute to church, a song came on the radio that I really like. Considering that our local Christian station still plays "hits" from Amy Grant's first LP, it was quite odd.  I remember saying "I love this song" out loud and asked my friend to turn it up.  He misheard me and never changed the volume, so I tuned everything else out and focused on intently listening to the song.  To my surprise the music seemed to grow in volume.  Each word fell on my ears with greater clarity than before.  When the song ended, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.

He said that getting close to God is like what I had just done trying to hear to my song.  It wasn't about asking God to get louder thus drowning out the noise of my life.  It is about pressing in to hear God's voice at the level He is currently speaking, while letting the cacophony of life fade away.  I sat there dumbfounded.  In a split second, God had deposited a thought so simple, yet so profound into my life; press in to God and the cares of this world will fade away.

During church, our pastor's wife, Christine, got up to share an encouraging story.  Her story bore the same spiritual DNA as my God encounter in the car.  God was trying to teach me something.  I asked her to share her story, in writing.  Here is what she shared.

"As a Florida girl, a swimming pool and a sunny afternoon were the perfect combination most months out of the year.  I loved to swim! I loved the crazy activity of it: diving, cannonballs, Marco Polo with my brother.  I could be found with stickers on and baby oil to get a 'tattoo' from the sun on occasion.  But what I loved the most was putting on goggles and slipping down to the bottom of the shallow end of the pool, laying there for as long as I could hold my breath.   I would release air slowly so I could sink to the bottom and not struggle to stay down.  I could see the bright sun differently breaking through the clear water.  There were hardly any other noises and in the silence, the view was captivating to me.  That kind of 'full immersion' allowed a different viewpoint of the very, same sky I was under day after day.

Just over 3 years ago, we celebrated the birth of our third child, Eli, our bonus baby.  He is a blessing unexpected; a gift beyond our wildest dreams.  In the weeks following his birth, in the midst of sleepless nights, disconnection from church and friends, and the normal routine of life of connected with God through worship and the Word, a darkness crept into the vacancy and threatened to steal my joy, my song.

The song of my life is the testimony and love letter written on my heart by God himself.    It's chorus full of the remembrance of who God is and how real He has been and continues to be in my life. It is the testimony of Him: pursuing me, rescuing me, redeeming me and saving me.  It is the power of His presence to change and remold me over and over. To be more like Him, as I yield to His strong and gentle hands.  The more time that passed for me, "out of the pool" so to speak, of worship and relationship with God, the harder it was to remember my letter or sing my song.   In the quiet of the night during a middle of the night feeding, the Lord whispered to me,

"Get back in the pool"

Slip under the abundant waters of grace, mercy, presence, truth, and power

Sink to the bottom

Breathe out the cares, needs, questions and fears long enough to see and hear Him clearly again

And an amazing thing happened...

I found my song and began to sing it again."

Jesus: Expletive, Weapon or Freedom

About a month ago, I celebrated the 17th anniversary of the day I walked away from homosexuality.  There were no cakes, no banners or brightly colored, celebratory paraphenalia; only the amazing recollection of the day that Jesus became something more to me than a crass expression used by irreverently or the weaponized tool of manipulation used by religious zealots.  Jesus Christ.  What a powerful name!  Jesus' life and ministry was the fulfillment of many prophecies in the Old Testament. During those cold moments at the close of 1998 and the cessation of my sexual escapades, Jesus fulfilled one scripture for me above all else. Proverbs 18:24- "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." A friend that sticks closer than a brother.  I had lived a life virtually spitting in the face of Jesus, but at the end of my rebellion He was standing there saying "Welcome Back". Back to reality. Back to His will.  Back to life. The Walking Dead, though science fiction, was my reality for 2 decades.  I spent my life focused on getting beyond the difficult junk in order to get to the good stuff on the other side.  Good stuff was forever elusive.  Life had become a vast swamp and I wandered endlessly, pursuing an ever changing destination.   Conversely, the Old Testament account of Joseph speaks of thriving in difficulty.  Joseph was sold into slavery, stolen from his father and imprisoned on false charges. Yet he consistently gave glory and praise to God, rather than moping about.  He thrived, because he was surrendered to God.  It was said of Joseph in Genesis 41:38 "Can we find such a one as this, a man in whom is the Spirit of God?"  As I wandered through the desert of my dysfunction, I repeatedly said 'No Thanks God', blaming my misfortune on Him.  Joseph's peace in time of trouble was always something of an illusion to me.

As a young, gay man I wielded words like weapons.  I made sport of being angry, bitter and offensively witty.  In restrospect, it's clear those aren't Christlike attributes. But to my young, gay mind, tainted by the deceptive beliefs of:  "abandoned by God" and "hated by Christians", words were a source of survival.  So much of the scripture lately lends support to choosing Jesus over sin of any kind.  There are benefits to serving the One Master, Jesus, over the other master, our broken sexuality.

My father's effective and powerful prayers and growing up in a church bathed in scripture, are the two main reasons I was able to leave homosexuality and stay away.  In my own ministry, I have realized that I don't pray for people nearly as much as my father did for me.  God is not bringing young men to me so I can tell them to behave.  God is bringing men into my life who struggle so that I can reiterate the fact that Jesus is the answer to what ails them.  The Holy Spirit revisited that idea a few weeks ago in the wee hours of the morning.  "Just tell them about Jesus," he said.  It's always been about Jesus and will always be about Jesus.  There is no other name under heaven by which a man can be saved.   I pondered these thoughts yesterday, as I sat across the table from a young man who had just told me he was on the verge of making a huge decision.  He was deciding between living a life for God or going headlong into the gay life.  This was no easy decision for him.  And no easy confession.  I have been in this young man's life for a little over a year.  I've seen him victorious over sin one day and giving into it entirely the next.  Keep in mind.  He never came right out and said, I plan on screwing up my life forever by leaving my wife and family behind in order to live as who I truly am.  He is tormented by the decision, but he sees no other way.

As a Christian who struggles with homosexual desires I understand his pain.  What struck my heart the most was one of the reasons he said he was giving up and going into the gay life.  He said it would just make things easier.  To which I replied, "For whom?".  I read in scripture today about serving two masters.  While it is primarily used as a sermon on serving God or money, it speaks volumes to a principle I alluded to earlier; choosing one master to serve.  The bible says that no servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will loyal to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve God and mammon. -Luke 16:13.  As I chatted with my friend, I could indeed see the fork in the road where he was standing.  The road on the left was an easy, short journey through life followed by a tormented, infinite journey into hell.  The path on the right was narrow and winding, filled with hardship for a time filled with an eternity with a loving God.  My friend had spent the bulk of his life stuck between gay and God, taking on the feel good parts of Christianity and the exciting parts of his gay life, while never fully committing to either.  It was the proverbial life of living on the fence.  One which the New Testament describes God as saying, and I am paraphrasing, be hot or cold, because you will never amount to any good as a lukewarm, fence dweller; spiritual limbo if you will.

Conversations like this are frequent in "ex-gay" ministry.  After the death of Exodus International and the onslaught of government, approved gay marriage, many have lost sight of the truth of scripture.  Many have lost the will to fight.  While perusing Facebook last week I read a post that hit like a gut punch.  No it wasn't "Hillary 2016".   The post said simply, "Here is a picture of my beautiful wife."  Those words were uttered by a friend I used to attend church with and minister alongside.  That friend's name is Lisa.  Daily, I see the casualties of homosexual sin and desire.  I don't hate homosexual sin for all the preconceived Christian reasons.  I hate the idea that the people I know and love are surrendering themselves to a life where they will be chewed up, spit out and disrespected.  A world where Jesus is neither honored nor exalted.  At the end of the day though, they are subject to the laws of the land we chose to live in.  They may be submitting themselves willingly, but I know the realistic pull of sexual sin.  It sets in at an early age and steals away a person's youth and life experience.

I see now why my father spent so many nights on his knees in prayer before God.  His heart ached for the lost, as mine does now.  If you find yourself at the same crossroads as my friend, please reach out before you make a life altering decision.  If you have someone in your life who is about to succumb to the pressures of sexual desire and temptation, please don't stop praying for that person.  Though I have traveled to Alaska, Australia and beyond to share Jesus with whomever would listen, I found myself defeated in my own backyard.  For a moment I gave up on my friend.  The thought crossed my mind that I was so tired of losing friends to homosexuality. Later that night I repented for giving up so easily and prayed earnestly for the life of my friend and other sons and daughters.  I asked God to remind satan that he's been defeated.  I went to battle for lives that truly matter and souls with whom I want to spend an eternity in heaven.

Jesus was fully a man.  Jesus is fully God.  And where I get it wrong and build expectations and hurdles for people, He builds a bridge.  You can know Jesus today, too.  He doen't ask you to clean yourself up before you come to Him.  He simply invites you to come.  If you are struggling today at the crossroads, there is freedom from homosexuality, but most importantly, there is life in Jesus Christ.  I am living proof.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11  - 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed,you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

My Church, My Friend and Your Heart

So my friend James is a real God Save the Queen Brit. I worked with him at Sea World for 15 years. We were hired the same year. Over the years we had our share of knockdown, drag out, screaming matches. With his accent his arguing points always sound a bit more enlightened. Then in a few days, we’d both get our knickers unstuck and be on about the business of training animals. Though we had more than our fair share of misunderstandings, we also shared a great deal of laughter. I consider him one of the great takeaways of my Sea World career.   He frequently calls and shares a chat with me on his drive home. I always know James is about home, because Facetime shuts off and Siri quietly displays the words “poor connection”. On the odd occasion when I get to see James again, it’s always with a big hug and grateful heart. He’s one of the most amazing animal trainers you’d ever hope to meet. James also happens to be a carpenter, a barber, a dancer, a pilot, a doting father, and a loving husband to Marie. In the emotional makeup of my life, James is a lifer.   But we’ve experienced a few other “poor connections” over the years.

I remember that there were times James would ask me religious questions. There were times when he stated his opinion about the church. One particular occasion I was eating lunch. I had microwaved my food, sat down at the table and prayed over my meal. When I finished, James looked across the table and said, “Doesn’t He know that your food is getting cold?” I think he then gestured toward the sky. I explained that a 30 second prayer wouldn’t be long enough for my food to go cold. We both had a good laugh over that one.

On another occasion, James begin asking me about my church and what we did for the homeless, the community, etc.. He voiced his opinion that it should be the churches role to help everyone in need. Although I was in complete agreement, I think I went on the defensive for the whole of Christianity. I felt like the church can’t solely be expected to provide everything to everyone. I felt it leaves a wide margin of error for the church to “disappoint” and “disillusion” one more person regarding God.

I am reminded of this conversation with James, because Illuminate Church, my church, is the kind of giving church that James spoke about. Heck, our church even gives out bibles on Sunday if people don’t have one and need one. Our church serves the community and the schools in the community where we are located. We attend homeless food and clothing drives. My church donates a monthly stipend to the ministry that I direct as well. The men and women of Illuminate Church are the hands and feet of God that my friend James was speaking of that day.   Once a year, the women of the church gather together with their friends to collect a bazillion gift cards for a benevolence fund for the following year. One of the ladies at church heads up a coat and shoe drive for impoverished kids up North. When it comes to serving people, we have people chomping at the bit to help.

I have attended this church for the better part of 10 years. What I love the most about the church is that we have a pastor and a pastoral staff that preach the word of God straight from the bible.   You might think, “Don’t all churches do that?” The honest answer would be no. Some are more like bars and restaurants where they cater to what the patrons want. Our church is more like a hospital where the sick come to meet Jesus and those who have been healed or helped are rolling up their sleeves and pitching in to imitate Jesus and be about their Father’s business.

I found hope, healing and community among good Christian men as I was continuing my walk towards Jesus and away from homosexuality. If you have an opinion about church that has kept you away from church, like my friend James, set that aside this week and join us at Illuminate Church. The decision to attend a little church in Celebration, Florida long ago, eventually became a church I have called home for 10 years.

My church is more than just a building. It’s a family of people who make sure that new people don’t feel new very long. My church is a hug and fun fact from my friends Linda and Doug. It’s a word of advice and encouragement from Judy. A worship experience led by people who worship even when they aren’t on stage. We give, so that we can give back. It’s pastors who write their sermons from the bible not from the headlines. It’s a place where Jesus is mentioned frequently and the Holy Spirit is welcome.   If God has been speaking to about church, find ours or start your search for the one nearest to you. Don’t let your emotions cheat you out of what your heart really needs.