Remembering My Mom
My relationship with my mom was a hard fought battle. Nothing about it was easy. Over the years we shed more tears than a Miss Universe crowning. I was a shy, sensitive kid. She was born to an emotionally distant, angry alcoholic who believed that “girls can’t work so they are a waste of food.” My mom was gifted with a sensitive caring heart, but it was repeatedly crushed in the harsh reality of her world. She grew up simultaneously fearing men, but falling in love with my dad. They were married 38 years. When my relationship with her was good, we shared an emotional synergy capable of changing the world. When it was bad, we inflicted heart damage on each other that we’d never recover from until her death. Around Christmas of 2011, God called me home to check on mom and dad. I knew He was calling me home, but I didn’t know why. Christmas day unceremoniously came and went. Mom had spent the last two years living in her recliner in the living room. She had simply checked out of life and honestly seemed to be waiting on God to take her home. My mom had always struggled with Bi-polar disorder, but tried hard to hide it from my brother and I. She wasn’t always successful. I grew up afraid of her.
Christmas 2011 was difficult at best. Conversations were sparse and strained, if at all. I spent many days occupying the couch opposite my mother’s makeshift fortress from which she watched the life stories and adventures of the people in her chosen community play out on TV. I still had no idea what God was up to. Most days I felt like a rescue diver desperately scanning for signs of life in the “murky waters” of what remained of my relationship with my mother. Then hope surfaced.
During one of our marathon TV stints, mom asked me to pray for her. This was completely unexpected. As I knelt at her feet, I was immediately nervousness. What should I pray? I finished my prayer and we settled back in until the next day. Once again she asked for prayer. I was freaking out. What was this about God?
The following day I prayed over my mother again; a few minutes she would be gone. The events of that day were burned into my head with a white, hot laser. The prayer that day was straight up spiritual warfare. I believe my mother was tormented by demons her whole life. The Holy Spirit and I seemed to be alone in that belief. I prayed in tongues. I prayed in the name of Jesus taking no notice of the people in the room. During the prayer she stopped fighting me and slumped into her chair, a look of peace on her face.
My mom was plagued with anger, sadness, bitterness and unforgiveness. It would eventually choke the life out of her sensitive heart. I believe she lost the will to live. She had resigned herself to that recliner after resigning from life. She was addicted to prescription drugs. Her counselor was worthless and instead of getting my mom off the few drugs she was on, only succeeded in putting her on many additional medications. At the end of the day, my mom’s heart simply gave out.
Growing up, my family hid every aspect of their lives; not just the private stuff. I grew up watching relatives stuff every tear, trial and emotion so deep that even satan himself had trouble finding it. When I left home, I refused to live a life of quiet desperation, beyond the borders of true community. My mother died quietly; sequestered in silence, because someone somewhere painted emotions as a weakness. I now know that emotions are a gift from God that give life perspective. I wish to honor my mother’s memory, learn from her mistakes and the mistakes of others that sent her down the wrong path.
My mother was a culinary seamstress, weaving the tastiest tapestries of sugar, butter and Crisco and wielded bleach with reckless abandon against every strain of bacteria known to man. She would occasionally sneak a piece of Colby Jack Cheese into her bedroom late at night and subsequently fall asleep before eating it, leaving it to harden and get lost under her pillow, only to be found later. She screamed, cried and laughed in equal amounts and taught me that every hurt could be mended with cookies, bacon or a whole mess of fried potatoes. Above all else, I know she loved me.
There are days I wish I could have done more to show her how much she impacted my life. Days I miss her beyond belief. I know at the end of her life I served and honored her well. As I stood by her hospital bed 4 years ago in a cold, dimly lit room, I thanked her for giving me the life she never had. I thanked her for naming me Aaron and challenging me to be a voice in the world. I tried my hardest to remember the good she did and forget the bad she never meant to do. Ultimately I thanked her for her sacrificial life and said goodbye one last time.
Beltway Meltdown
Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.
One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.
I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked. The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.
Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.
The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.
God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.
People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.
After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.
No one...deserves my anger.
Vomit, Dancing and a 4 a.m. Wakeup Call
Ever so often I ask a friend to write a guest blog to share with my readers. Here is a guest blog from a friend of mine named Samuel. He writes a blog which you can read at www.BrotherBarr.wordpress.com. Here is a little of Samuel's story and journey so far. I want to take you on a journey, hoping you will arrive at the same place of freedom I did. The journey isn’t pleasant, but it was what I needed to open my eyes and heart to my dire need for God and His saving grace. I wish I could say that it will be the last journey through darkness that I will ever take. Only God knows for sure. Nevertheless, I do know that going through the darkness with God is nowhere near as lonely and scary as it was going through it without Him. That was my life before I accepted Christ as my savior. It was definitely the loneliest and darkest time of my life.
This journey began 8 years after my salvation. I was living out the Proverbs 26:11 life once again, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” Doing the very things I did not want to do. Can you relate? Paul could. Romans 7:19 ”For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” I had recently returned from Georgia where I was a part of a ministry that helps people deal with hurts, habits and hang-ups. I was living a blessed, simple life of serving God and loving it. Unfortunately, I had already begun to backslide and reopen doors to the enemy. Hindsight always gives us 20/20 vision. If I had only drawn close to God and stayed authentically connected to healthy people, I could have saved myself, and my loved ones a lot of heartache and pain. Instead, I ran back to Florida.
I returned to Florida to care for my mother who was having some health issues. At least that is what it looked like to everyone else. I knew I was already running full steam away from God and His plan for my life. Reminds me of Jonah 1:3 “But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD.” My emphasis added. I have heard it put this way. When we choose to run from the Lord, the enemy will make sure we have transportation and it always cost us. My ship was my mom and the fare I paid was my peace and freedom. It wasn't long before I was dancing around the enemy's campfire, once again. Every demon that had been evicted returned with a vengeance, and brought buddies. Sound familiar? Luke 11:26 “Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.” Gratefully, it was only a year before God's mercy and grace brought me to repentance, yet again, but the damage was done: physical, financial, mental and spiritual damage as well. This was Spring of 2010.
Later that Spring my mom and I decided, for various reasons, to relocate from Tampa Bay to Ft. Myers. Most importantly were my brother and his family. They could offer some emotional support for my mother and I while I restarted the process of working on my issues. I also had a great church and recovery family, which I had established back in 2007 prior to moving to Georgia. There were so many blessings in moving to Ft. Myers, but it would be some time before I would begin to see them and accept them as God's grace and protection.
I was blind to the blessings for a few reasons. Some I was aware of while others were hidden and deeply rooted. One major reason was the hope that being Christian and gay was ok in God's eyes. The truth was that as long as I held on to this or anything that God had asked me to surrender, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I wasn’t living by His word. God is always faithful to His Word, every part of it. I am called to be faithful to every part, as well, even the parts I don't understand or agree with. Despite my disobedience He was patient and continued to love me. That is what He does. Deep in my heart I knew that being Christian and gay was not part of God's plan for my life. Ever have that feeling about a particular sin yet still try to rationalize it away? Have you truly ever searched your heart, or asked God to? Psalm 139:23-24a “Search me O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me.” If we are serious about living a life that is pleasing to God then we have to pray those exact words and mean it. I know I did.
God continued to speak to me regarding the junk I was holding on to. One night in 2010, before moving to Ft Myers, near the end of a relapse, we were visiting my brother. What you may not know about my relapses is that they involved addiction to Meth, a.k.a. the “devil’s drug”. Coming down from a relapse means restoring order to the chaos of my destructive behaviors: insomnia and a diet of water and candy. The restoration involves multiple hours of sleeping with brief moments of waking and eating. Then quickly returning to sleep. I needed my sleep. I loved my sleep. So I knew that it was God that woke me up at 4 a.m. one morning and spoke these words to me, “Sam, you make so much of your struggle. I am not concerned as much about your struggle as I am about you.” It was a simple, yet profound statement.
It would take another 4 years before I would grasp the totality of that statement. If I could only focus on God as much as I was focusing on my sin, then God could do what He promised and I could begin to walk in His freedom. I had become so blinded by pride that the lies I believed became truth for me. If I could have only gotten my eyes off myself, my sin and the world and fixed them back on Jesus, I could have taken hold of the promises in His word. The only thing that got my eyes off myself, was hitting rock bottom again and again. Have you hit your rock bottom yet?
In February 2014, I found myself hitting rock bottom a fourth time since relocating to Ft. Myers. It had been over a year since the last relapse. This time it was darker and deeper. I found myself living in my car, by my choice, eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking ginger ale. I walked away from a successful career, friends and family that loved me, a great apartment and many blessings. It is still hard for me to believe how blinded by lies I had become. All God was asking me to do was trust and surrender to His plan for my life. Looking back now, He wasn't asking that much. Why I thought for a minute that my way was better or that the world had something better to offer is beyond me. What lies do you still believe? Do you believe that your way is better than God's? Or that the world has something better to offer?
Thankfully, today, I find myself learning to live wholly surrendered. Trusting Him fully is still a daily struggle, but I am learning to do so moment-by-moment, struggle-by-struggle. I am doing my best to seek God first. I ask Him daily to guide me, to search my heart and help me see things from His perspective. Not only do I know, with my head, but I also believe, with my heart, that God has a plan for my life. I confidently believe that God is taking the chaos of my struggles, pains and hurts and using my gifts and talents to create a beautiful symphony of purpose.
Are you ready to begin your journey of freedom?
Conversations at the Diner
On our way to our friend Amy's house to celebrate Thanksgiving, we stopped by a diner I have been eyeing for awhile now. My friends eat way healthier than me. Well, except for Ethan. He believes that McDonald's forms the base of the food pyramid. Anyway, I convinced, aka begged, them to stop and have dinner. They relented and we stopped. We are a friendly bunch and can basically talk to anyone about anything. The sign at the front invited us to seat ourselves; so we did. Our first waitress was quickly displaced by a second, feistier one. The new waitress was 3 inches shorter than your average kindergartner. Upon asking what she recommended, her tiny fingers danced about the menu faster than Hillary Clinton can hit the delete button after checking a classified email. The guys decided on a few of her recommendations, but I broke rank, deciding instead to go with liver and onions and green beans. This selection produced a gnarly scowl from our waitresses once smiling face. She placed our orders, returned to the table and the witty banter ensued. At some point, she received a text from a very, needy 16 year-old boy that we were informed was just one of 10 potential suitors.
The laughing and joking subsided a bit when she commented to Ethan that he must have a lot of boyfriends. Say what? We all heard it, laughed nervously and chose to brush it aside, but later on she broached the subject again, this time with all of us. She asked if any of us had boyfriends. I quickly said, I hadn't had a boyfriend for 18 years, since I left homosexuality behind. The scowl returned to her face, this time accompanied by a brow so furrowed it would have stifled even Joyce Meyers' plastic surgeon. She asked Ethan and Samuel if they had left homosexuality, too.
At this point I produced a business card so she could research Big Fish Ministry a bit. Ethan also produced a card for Revelation 12:11, his ministry. She asked about the card. I told her it would take her to my blog. It might help answer the questions her scrunched up face said she might have. She asked a few more questions like: "Have you stopped liking boys?" and "Have you started liking girls yet?" I explained how homosexuality developed in my life and she mumbled something and flitted off, never to return. It wasn't our goal to rock her world, but we had triggered an emotional "earthquake" of epic proportion.
Never being one to let an interaction like this go, I began to analyze and dissect the interaction. Questions ran wild in my mind: "Did we freak her out?", "Why was she more interested in chatting when she thought we were gay?", "Why hasn't the world heard stories like ours?", "What do we need to do in order share our testimonies on broader scope?"
The truth is, testimonies like ours are uncomfortable and odd. Churches steer clear of letting us share for fear of offending people. Heck, even at Donald Miller's Storyline Conference I just attended, a gay pastor was allowed to share his coming out story. When I questioned the conference organizer if the narrative of my story would be welcome, all I received was silence. More often than not, when we try to share our testimonies they are met with resistance. The world has been conditioned to accept and protect sin rather than taught to recognize sin in it's many forms according to scripture.
Knowledgeable, compassionate Christians and devout Christian men and women who have walked away from homosexuality should be establishing the churches dialogue on sex and sexuality. Justin Lee and Matthew Vines, two prominent false prophets of the gay Christian movement, should be called to repent by the Christian church at large, rather than having their twisted versions of the bible accepted into mainstream church culture. Satan is working through these men. The same way that satan comes as an angel of light, these smooth talkers are weaving a web of deception leading many churches into a "reformation" movement that will ultimately destroy and split the church.
As I sat there in those moments after our waitress left, I knew a few things very clearly. The course of my life and that of other men and women who have left homosexuality behind, is not determined by our attractions, past or present. The course of our lives is determined daily by our sacrifice to Jesus Christ. Also the fact that we believe God's word as it relates to homosexual sin. We lead lives as attacked by the gay community as the gay community believes the church attacks them. After 17 years of saying Yes to God and no to my homosexual desires, I can honestly say that my life and times are very different than they were when I took those first few trepidatious steps out of homosexuality and into God's arms.
God spoke a promise over me many years ago. It involved continually having one person after another say they felt like God wanted them to share Isaiah 61:1 with me. “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;” It was written as prophecy about Jesus and I am nowhere near Jesus status when it comes to this life. But, I know that God allowed all my hurts, hangups and struggles in life for such a time as this.
In the process of redeeming my life, God's Holy Spirit is working through me and He has anointed me to bring good news to those trapped in the same sin that held me captive for so many years. God has sent me to heal the brokenhearted with the good news and truth of the gospel to those who are willing to hear and contend with it. God has challenged me to proclaim freedom for those trapped in any kind of sinful pattern. He has given me authority to march into prisons of sexual sin everywhere that satan serves as warden, judge, jury and chief medical officer to release those bound up in the seductive poison of homosexual sin. I will live up to this calling and endure whatever persecution necessary to ensure that men who struggle with homosexuality hear the life giving word of the gospel.
This blog may not be popular with too many, but I choose to live according to my calling. Galatians 1:10 says “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.” Our greatest calling is to dispense grace and truth to those living without Jesus in equal measure. Our directives do not come from the vast, stifling, politically correct, worldly rhetoric of today's sin friendly culture, but from every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. The kind, deceptive pill of love the world serves will only prolong a person's agony until they die and enter eternity without God. If it is presented boldly and compassionately, the gospel is the only tool that will forever change and save the hearts of mankind.
Uncovering the Broken Boy
The world has been talking to me this week. A lot. Tonight I was out watering my blueberry plants, sporting the remnants of an ill conceived, Halloween costume, a tattered Hawaiian shirt, I wasn’t worried what the neighbors think. I make a concerted effort to let them believe that I am the crazy neighbor they shouldn’t mess with. As I stood there, like a deranged, mental asylum escapee, I was mentally rifling through conversations that had taken place over the past two weeks. I shared my story briefly at a small, country church. I had three minutes to cover 44 years. At the mention of homosexuality, all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I was transported back to my childhood church, where I knew better than to share my struggle. I left the church feeling rejected; kinda judged. I also left knowing how so many gay people feel about some churches in our nation today.
Juxtapose that event with a conversation I had with my unchurched, Jewish neighbor, who has a lot of gay friends. They asked about what I had been doing since I left Sea World. I shared everything, They surprised me by their understanding of what I do for ministry. Shouldn’t the understanding and interest have come from the church?
One of the other conversations I was privileged to have was with the first gentleman that ever graced the halls of Big Fish Ministry as a participant back in 2009. Our relationship has been rocky and often riddled with misunderstanding. That changed this week. We agreed to let God lead the conversations from here on out; to love each other better. Gratitude flowed.
I sat down with a 19 year old kid who lost someone close and calls me on occasion to chat, because I am not stranger to death and loss myself. We sat at a coffee shop and chatted. I am seeing huge growth in his life. I am seeing him peer out from behind the curtain of fear to claim the abundant LIFE that our great God has promised him. I am thanking God for letting me be used as a vessel for His love.
I got to chat with a talented artist who has some amazing abilities. He gifted me with some of his creative time to sit and chat. Three of the four conversations I had this week were with straight guys who have never had gay temptations. Yet, when we begin to chat their struggles resonated with mine. The Holy Spirit then pointed out that I don’t have a gay struggle, but simply a human struggle, similar to other guys on the planet. Can I tell you how freeing that is to a guy who felt “bad different” during his young life.
My healing journey with Jesus Christ is the proverbial onion people: layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece. God often reveals truth slowly to me, so that I don’t engage in sin & run away from the man He is shaping me into.
The conversation with the artist revealed a deep inner wound that I don’t think this guy has shared with too many. I asked his permission to share. He said Yes. That day, I felt like the Holy Spirit told me to title our time together was to be called “Uncovering the Broken Boys”. And it was funny, because for the rest of the week, that is exactly what the Holy Spirit did.
If it wasn’t me He was uncovering from the rubble, it was the person across the table from me. God is in the business of rescue missions, but He’s really good at search and recovery as well.
I had two more conversations that were polar opposites. One of the guys I mentor sold his computer, because it was leading him to connect sexually with other guys. The other guy kept making excuses about why he needed his phone or computer. He rationalized about keeping some gay friends while breaking it off with others. With both I offered experiential advice. The difference between the two was this. One guy readily surrendered the “poison” he’d been drinking daily, while the other just kept trying to “change the labels” on the bottles.
I made my best effort to take God into every conversation this week. I was only looking to help or connect, but God had other plans. I started a conversation with a lady at Wal-mart and ended up praying for her. Like Jesus back in the day, this week I was all about my Father’s business. I didn’t used to be that kind of man. I used to search for meaning and value in the arms and lives of the gay men I’d meet. What a redemptive work God has done. The bible says in Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” I found myself in a very different place with these folks. God’s opinion is where I lay my head for rest these days.
My final conversation was with a guy who had no idea who I was, but I knew who he was. He was a guy that had been sexually involved with a guy, while I was actively mentoring that guy. For some reason, God brought him back into my life. When I realized who this guy was, I just wanted to throat punch him, because of the trouble he had caused. I quickly realized though, it wasn’t anger I was feeling, but a mix of emotions. At night’s end, I settled near the corner of “Love him where he’s at and What are you doing God?”
Who are you talking to this week? Where are those conversations leading you? Is God stirring evangelism in your heart? Or is the enemy stirring horny in your loins? Are you tired of struggling with the same old stuff? Are you ready to give up because you feel you are all alone? My conversations led me to Jesus and healing. The bible says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
Let the conversations begin. Let healing flow.
Refuse to spend one more day in the prison of your silence.
Satan Attacks Gender and Marriage
I am not one to don the mask of 'Everything is JUST Fine,' as many in the church world do today. These last few months of ministry have been a real struggle. Finances are consistently tight. As God shapes and molds my character, the stretching heralds the beginning of a new season. I must continually remind myself that no matter how far the world slips away from Jesus, I made a commitment many years ago to be led by scripture and not by my feelings or my homosexual desires. As a rule, I keep an ear to the ground of the gay political scene. Recently, I saw an interesting quote from a gay activist. The quote was in response Kim Davis' incarceration. It read simply, "Don't they know that WE have redefined marriage." To some that may sound progressive and past due. To others, this may signal the coming Apocalypse. To me it demonstrates another example of our spiritual ignorance of God's ways. Man can redefine and has redefined just about every spiritual principle set forth in the bible. That doesn't mean that God has changed His mind. It simply means that us broken humans are getting better at disguising our sin with fancy rhetoric and political correctness. Man may have redefined marriage, but God hasn't and never will. Marriage was set forth by God way back in Genesis as the model of marriage relationships which are between a man and a woman. When God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, He created Eve as a complement to Adam. That was God's original design and throughout scripture He never saw fit to redefine the marriage covenant, because it was His perfect design. Man is responsible for redefining marriage long before now with divorce, adultery and polygamy. Gay marriage is not the only attack on marriage, it's simply the latest way that broken man has seen fit to alter God's original design. Bruce Jenner is not the Anti-Christ bent on redefining gender for all. He is simply the latest prominent face of man’s brokenness apart from Jesus and a small part of satan's all out attack on gender as God established us male and female in Genesis. Every foundational principle set forth in Genesis is under attack. Satan is trying to change the future by destroying the very foundation of Christian faith as set forth by God at creation. I walked away from homosexuality in 1998. It wasn't that long ago, but it was a simpler time. It was easier to share the testimony of leaving my gay life behind, without experiencing out and out hate from the gay community and Christians. In 1998, Christians weren't as deceived as they are today regarding homosexuality. What I find especially troubling is that the gay community thinks that with each legislative stroke of the pen they are winning victory after victory for equal rights. I have to ask, is it really a victory if God and His word are steadily erased from our lives altogether? If you are here looking for hope that there is freedom from homosexuality, then you have come to the right place. My story and others like it may not be welcome in the mainstream media, but God is still letting people hear our voices on blogs, websites and church stages who still preach and believe the word of God. Homosexuality was never my identity. My identity is in Jesus Christ. The only thing that needs redefining are broken lives with self and not Jesus as the focus.
I am encouraged by recent events of young people realizing that a gay life is a life of deception and sin. I recently had a conversation with a young gay man who says he is a Christian. He says he defines his life like this. He is gay until further notice. If God wants to do something about his sexuality, then God will. Gay until further notice is a statement of hope, because God is in the business of redeeming lives caught in the vortex of sin. God is not willing that any man should perish. I truly believe that God is ready and willing to redeem a gay identified generation from the clutches of sexual brokenness.
I love that we are a ministry that prays for the gay and ex-gay community. I love that God leads men to question not redefine broken sexuality every day. Thank you for praying with us as a ministry. Thank you for caring for your gay children and loved ones enough not to leave them in the hands of the enemy, but to go to battle in prayer for their redemption and release.
"Couch That Hurt!"
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I am constantly learning, ‘forgiveness is a concept, not a one-time event’. I got a lot of chances to choose forgiveness with my mom. Scattered amongst the good times are many oil and water moments. My mom died unexpectedly in 2011 at 65. She suffered with depression and bi-polar disorder. My sensitive nature, caused me to suffer with certain aspects of her struggle. Mom was raised by an alcoholic, abusive father. He used to say “girls can’t work so they have no value” and “girls are a waste of food”. My mom suffered severe, emotional damage as a result. This broken, emotionally unstable woman tried her best to be a good mom. She tried to protect me from her deep wounding. She wasn’t always successful, but she left a great legacy. She instilled in me a great work ethic. Her kitchen produced love and the best food known to man. She taught me that even the most broken have great capacity to love limitlessly. My mom did the best she could with what she had.
For years, my best friends were women, but the fear they’d try to control me, like mom, kept me distant. If I felt threatened, I would walk away from the friendship. This emotional disconnectedness from women was one factor that lead to the development of my same sex attractions. I have processed much of the wounding from my mother, but it left me with a great fear and mistrust of women. A few days ago, God exposed some residual wounding and did a great work in me using a strong willed, neighbor lady.
Our encounter was set against the backdrop of my garage sale. I was deep in the throws of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) when she showed up and introduced herself by letting her dog pee on one of my planters. The interaction, initially non-descript, evolved into her telling a story about a couch someone had dropped off in the middle of the street. She told me it was in great shape and I could sell it. I agreed to go have a look.
The couch was a Paula Deen shade of blue. Closer inspection revealed a story of Crime Stopper proportions. The sides were ripped, the pillows were missing and it housed more cigarette butts than a slot machine ashtray on an over seventies, gambling cruise. A colony of ants were excitedly gathering crumbs and discarded French fries. Plywood had been added for extra support. The best part was the discovery of 50 cents and a baggie containing two mysterious white pills. All this couch was missing was a dead celebrity. Surprisingly, I decided to pass on the couch. The neighbor lady was visibly stunned. She tried to convince me that the couch could be cleaned. Ultimately, I realized she wasn’t concerned with my garage sale; she wanted to dispose of Ozzy Ozbourne’s Sofa.
On our drive home, she told me that she had turned pictures of my un-edged sidewalks into the Homeowner’s Association. My distaste for this woman’s was escalating by the second. I listened in disbelief. Not only had she tried to use me to move discount furniture, now she was criticizing me personally. The fact that she was a woman exacerbated the situation. She was pushing my ‘controlling women, mom buttons’. After two days of a garage sale euphoria, this woman had singlehandedly ruined my day.
I began to process the interaction with my friend Cindy Coffman. I was legitimately angry with this woman. I wanted to egg her house and torch her lawn. God calmed me down through Cindy’s counsel. I wanted a one-day pass to be ugly to this woman; get revenge and ask for forgiveness the next day. I’m just being honest. Maybe you are a better Christian than me, but I‘m ‘honestly open’ rather than ‘superficially chaste’. I don’t claim to be perfect. I proclaim that Jesus’ love and peace help keep my brokenness from running amuck. I was reminded of Romans 12:20 “Therefore, ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.’ ”
It wasn’t revenge I needed, it was compassion and forgiveness. I needed to minister to this woman somehow. I drove to her house armed with two Chick-fil-A gift cards and an open heart. When I arrived she was doing yard work at a neighbor’s house. I had no idea what God expected me to do, but He simply impressed on my heart to help her. “Excuse me?” This was supposed to be stop and go mission. Reluctantly, I parked and began to help. She was thankful. At some point she remembered that I run a ministry and referred to me as a ‘minister’. She also said something that quelled my anger and touched something deep inside. “I think God sent you here today to help me.” I almost swallowed my tongue, but it appears that Crow was suddenly on the menu.
The neighbor whose yard we were cleaning brought us bottled water. She told us that she was a minister too and had suffered a nervous breakdown. Immediately, God told me to pray for her. It was a simple prayer, but they both thought it was a beautiful.
I eventually confessed my anger to my neighbor. She was quick to let me know I had misunderstood her. She hadn’t reported me to the HOA. She had reported the lawn mowing crew. Gulp! I had allowed my brokenness to reinterpret her story. I would have never known that, if I had chosen anger over forgiveness.
Because of my wounds, I got triggered. I almost trashed my witness for Jesus Christ and missed an opportunity to pray and share my testimony of walking away from homosexuality with Jesus as my guide. I felt like the Holy Spirit showed me that my wounds let me see only a narrow view of the world around me. If you would trust God, He would show me the big picture through the veil of redemption for All: the good, the bad, the mean, the hurting, the overachiever, the gossip, etc..
While we were standing there on the lawn, a garbage truck with a specialized arm came by and grabbed “Amy WineCouch” and lifted her effortlessly into the truck. Barb, the neighbor lady, joked that old couch was the reason we had all met in the first place. Interesting how God uses the seemingly inconsequential things of this world to affect change in lives. I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 1:27 “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” God used an old, rugged couch to humble and remind me of the work Jesus did for each of us on an old, rugged cross.
Godly Wisdom vs. Fortune Cookie
My friend George is the young adult pastor at our church. A few weeks ago he asked me to come and share some wisdom with the group. This particular talk was a part of a series George had called “Higher Ground”. The focus of the talk was to answer the following question. “What would you tell your 18,22,25 and 29 year-old selves?” As I delved into the farthest reaches of 40+ years of memory, I found the exercise pretty daunting. Do I look up a bunch of scriptures? Do I tell them all my mistakes and simply say “DON’T DO THAT!” ? Should I get philosophical and write some skillfully, crafted one-liners akin to fortune cookie script? The possibilities were endless. Three different times I felt like calling George and canceling. Why was something so simple, becoming such a big ordeal?
Before I began to write, I began to pray. I thought of scriptures here and there, but I also knew that the wisdom I was now transporting to the past was steeped with the presence of God, whom had been leading me for almost 20 years now. There was about 25 young people that showed up to hear the talk, but there were also some who’s schedules didn’t allow them to attend. For them and anyone else who wants to hear it, here is the the bulk of what I shared with the group.
What would I tell my 18 year-old self?
1) Nobody owes you anything. Show some gratitude. Appreciate the sacrifice of others.
2) Be a sightseeing adventurer rather than a racecar driver-Take time to enjoy life. It is not a race to the end or a checklist to be filled out.
3) Prayer works. Don’t ever give up on crying out to God. Just because you don’t hear from Him, doesn’t mean he’s not working on your behalf.
4) Don’t look for your identity in other people.
5) Jesus will be the last man standing with you: day after day, month after month and year after year. God showed me my life as if it were a series of rooms. Jesus was visible in the corner of every room.
6) Remember that anger, fear and sadness are emotions, not lifestyles.
7) Listen to everyone, but do your own research. Don’t be led astray by intellectual impostors.
8) Mistakes are inevitable. Let them teach you, not define you. Take legal risks.
9) The pain of trying and failing hurts far less than the pain of regret on your deathbed.
10) The best time to fix a problem is after the first occurrence and long before you start telling people, “It’s just the way I am.”
11) Pain is like “toxic waste”. Bury it, and it’ll poison your heart. Process and dispose of it properly and it poses no threat to your future.
12) Satan is real and he won’t rest until you are dead.
13) The sooner you realize that the weight of the world isn’t your responsibility, the better off you will be.
What would I tell my 22 year-old self?
1) Savor every moment of every day. “First times” happen only once. That which is kept safe is preserved. That which is given away in haste, can never be retrieved.
2) Don’t drink or do drugs, but if you decide to drink or do drugs, make sure you can trust everyone around you.
3) Your parents have known you longer than your oldest college friend. They changed your diapers and wiped your butt. Remember their love and devotion.
4) Whenever you get angry with your parents, remind yourself that before they were your parents, they were people with hopes, dreams and disappointments, too.
5) Celebrate your freedom to do whatever you want, but take a moment to first contemplate the consequences of the consistent misuse of that freedom.
6) Stop trying so hard to be someone you are not. It is ruining your ability to enjoy the life God wants to give you.
7) Stand up for yourself
8) God is for you not against you
9) What you sew today, you will harvest 5-10 years from now. Be careful what you plant.
10) There’s a fine line between Hero and Idol, Mentor and Manipulator.
What would I tell my 25 year-old self?
1) Call yourself what you want. You have always been and will always be a child of God. (For the longest time, I proclaimed to be a gay Christian).
2) Having hurt and pain doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
3) Even the toughest, smartest, prettiest person is nothing without Jesus.
4) Don’t give your heart and your body away so easily.
5) Save your money or spend it on something you will still own in ten years.
6) Stop running from God. Let Him make sense of your life or you are going to lose a lot of time.
7) Commit to things. Life will be difficult. If you run away when things get tough, you won’t learn how to cope with difficulty and disappointment.
8) Not everyone who appears to have it together really has it together.
9) Think carefully about each door you open. Like pandora’s box, you have no control over what comes through that door and into your life. You only control the opening and closing the door.
10) Celebrate who God created you to be, rather than settling for who the world wants you to be
What would I tell a 29 year old me?
1) You may think that you have finally arrived, but you have a lot to learn.
2) Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
3) Don’t hold on to offenses, it stifles growth and can alter the course of your life.
4) Don’t let your sensitivity be used as a weapon against you.
5) This may seem like the adventure of a lifetime, but wait’ll you see what God has prepared for you. (1 Cor. 2:9 9 But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man. The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”
6) God can be trusted. He is in control. If you Trust Him and let Him, he’ll lead you.
7) Don’t shy away from uncomfortable conversations that could lead to freedom from years of misunderstanding.
8) Good friendships don’t just pop up overnight. They take work, dedication and are constructed over time.
9) Pursue the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is. Assumption allows satan to manipulate you with lies and lead you astray.
10) Let your faith in God be stable and solid. Let your faith in people be flexible and fluid. I always got that backwards.
11) The most well rounded person has one ear attuned to those younger than themselves and other focused on the wisdom of his elders.
And my last and most important piece of advice is to overdose on bible reading. Read the bible early and often, much like the frequency a SCUBA diver equalizes his ears with the water pressure. Early and often! Read the word of God. Get scripture into your heart and mind. Give the Holy Spirit something to bring to your remembrance when you need it most. Scripture was what Jesus used against satan when he came to tempt him. Scripture is powerful and alive and useful for teaching and rebuking.
Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.
The smoke from the SCOTUS is clearing, our Women’s soccer team has World Cup status and the White House is white again. Will life here ever be the same? I wrote my blog about the SCOTUS verdict and went back to doing ministry. I run a pretty non-political ministry to men who desire to walk away from their gay lives. We don’t picket with Westboro or hang out at gay pride parades apologizing for every misspoken, misinterpreted word the church has uttered since the dawn of man. We answer phones and emails and pray for people in the gay community to have a personal encounter with Jesus. At Big Fish Ministry, we’ve decided to serve the gay community by storming the coffee shops not the courthouses.
I attend Illuminate Church. This past Sunday, Pastor Ed preached on Peace. It wasn’t a feel good message, but it was freakin’ awesome. I found myself under the same, moral microscope many Christians use on the rest of the world. Lately, God has been leading me to change my approach to the conversation of homosexuality. He is challenging me to enter the discussion at a different level than the world expects from Christians; promoting a dialogue of redemption, rather than accusation. Pastor Ed’s message confirmed God’s leading. “If you can’t bring peace to a situation,” he said, “then maybe you should take yourself out of the situation.” Thumper, of Disney’s Bambi has this to say: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” A paraphrase of author and speaker Bob Hamp says ‘we need to be thoughtful before adding our voice to the noise.’ As Christians what we say about homosexual sin may be 100% scripturally true, but sharing the message like 100% Jerks, allows our bad attitude, not the love of Jesus, to be what people remember.
Growing up, I was “the good son”; the rule follower. I often did “the right thing” to avoid punishment and gain praise, rather than to simply be obedient. I was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. This skewed obedience gave rise to a “holier than thou” attitude. I secretly resented the rules, but I was afraid to break them. I developed a jealousy and resentment for the “rule breaker” closest to me, my brother. My desire to partake in adventure with the rule breakers was far outweighed by the expectation to “follow the rules”. Later in life, my allegiance to “rightness” would cause me to erect impenetrable walls of scriptural TRUTH between those lost in sin and God’s GRACE. I see now that my “good” intentions served to keep people from Jesus rather than lead them to Him. God often reminds of this: God’s grace was the lens through which I first glimpsed the truth of Jesus love for me.
Someone once said that Truth and Grace are like the wings of a bird. Acting in tandem they take the bird to the highest heights. Take one away and the bird will never leave the ground.
A friend who wasn’t particularly pleased with my calm response to the legalization of gay marriage frantically posed the question, “What if the government tries to shutdown your ministry and tells you that you can’t say that homosexuality is a sin.” My answer was simple.
“I guess I’ll just tell people about Jesus then. And when that is deemed illegal, I’ll start a prison ministry.” My answer, tinged with sarcasm and truth, is devoid of panic and steeped in reality. If you stick your hand in a piranha’s mouth and are surprised when they bite you, that isn’t the piranha’s fault pumpkin. God is not surprised that “the lost” are acting…well…lost. We shouldn’t be either. What we should be doing is preparing for the day when everything our unsaved friends have turned to for answers, denies them the rapture they seek. If we have loved them well, they’ll be more apt to listen to the truth about Jesus, than if we had tried to force feed them “God” when their appetite was for something a little more devilish.
I could let every bad political decision turn me into that red-faced, angry guy with the veiny forehead, and bad attitude. Will that ever communicate the heart of Jesus? Jesus washed the disciple’s feet. Peter cut off a man’s ear with his sword. What is a better way to further God’s kingdom: humbly serving or wielding a sword?
One of my neighbor’s yards was looking a little Oscar the Grouch-ish: green, disheveled and angry. She was going through “SOME STUFF”. I texted, to see if we could mow her lawn. She said “Yes”. When she answered her door, gratitude and exhaustion were equally palpable. “These other neighbors should be ashamed of themselves. You’re the first one who has even bothered to call in six months.” Some people had called the HOA and Code Enforcement to report her unkempt yard. Not one neighbor had called to check on her. Instead of choosing to serve, they chose to wield their swords to insure her compliance, rather than their lawnmowers to restore her dignity.
A few days later she texted that our one simple act of service had caused a ripple effect. Her self-esteem had returned. She wasn’t embarrassed to play in the yard with her kids. Her desire to connect with God returned. A family member showed up to help, after feeling so convicted because someone outside the family helped and they had not. In the end, Christopher and I, simply stepped up to kneel down and extend a hand beyond the mess to the person buried beneath the rubble.
My mom was always fond of combatting my poopy attitudes with “you get more flies with honey than you do with buttermilk”. She also said, “make sure the words you say today are soft. You might be eating them tomorrow”. My dad was the chief engineer of the rescue operation that traversed the borders of Hell in order to bring me back to the land of the living. My dad prayed daily for me, even when I didn’t want it. He reached out to me in love, even when I was a hot, vitriolic mess. My father served as a missionary to the gay community by simply loving me unconditionally. He started a fire in me for the gay community that God later confirmed with Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…”.
The Holy Spirit is leading me to approach the conversation on homosexuality from a redemptive perspective. Like my father, I am choosing to humbly engage the lost, the broken and wounded men and women of the gay community. Always remembering that my past bears a striking resemblance to their daily existence.
The only hope for either of us is Jesus. Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.
Decade of Growth
On the Sunday after the SCOTUS ruling, my pastor at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida started off his message with a response. I wasn't sure what he was going to say, but I knew that it would be well thought out, grace filled and built for the future. My pastor is Tim Ingram: Husband, Father, Hero. He isn't the first pastor my church has had. In fact, illuminate church is not even the first name our church has had. Two men have come before Tim. Two church names preceded that. I have attended my current church for 10+ years. Let's just say that my first "set down get to know you" meeting with Tim Ingram wasn't pretty. I was a bitter, angry little man, looking for someone to blame for the hurt I had experienced at the hand of men in the church. Tim agreed to meet me at Cracker Barrel. If it didn't go well, at least I had comfort food to soothe my soul. He listened to my story, fielded my complaints and answered my questions. I left that meeting with my explosive emotions defused, because of his compassion, patience and kind heart. My language that day was not becoming of a Christian man. I might have even caused a few sailors to blush. I wasn't concerned about how he received what I had to say that day. But in all honesty, isn't that what hurt does. It sears our conscience and leads us down a path of destruction.
The truth was that I just needed to be heard by a man in the church. I needed to know that someone, anyone still cared that I was in pain. I didn't need him to fix anything for me, I just needed to be acknowledged. Tim showed me the grace and peace of Jesus that day. I left our meeting knowing that illuminate church would be my church home and that I would follow Tim as my leader.
So many names come to mind when I think of the men at illuminate Church who have shaped my life as a Christian and as a man. Joe Saragusa, my first pastor in Celebration. He told me that if I had a dream for ministry to the gay community, his dream was 5000 times bigger. Garret Balcitis, a youth pastor who taught me how to lead kids to Jesus. He believed in me when I couldn't do that for myself. Bronson Moore, who loved me through all my many phases and faces. And though he was younger than me, God used his wisdom to mold and shape my leadership. Ed Arnold, our Executive pastor who has stood the test of time, loved me when I was unlovable, and who shares his porch, his life, his family and his house with me every time I have a need. Andre Anderson. Nelson Deskins. Bill Nance. Tears are welling up in my eyes, because the list is endless. God has used these men to restore to me the meaning of father, brother, companion, comrade and friend. There was a point where I looked for men in the gay community to complete me or give my life meaning and purpose. I was always left wanting. With Illuminate Church, God has answered the cry of my heart for a place to belong, to be heard, to matter and a place to heal. The men that God has brought through my little church in the past 10 years have time and time again, been the face of Jesus.
I am taking this opportunity to share the message Tim preached on Sunday through the podcast. At Illuminate church we welcome all types. Men like me who have left homosexuality. Men like me who use colorful language a little more than I should. And men and women, who like me who don't always get it right, but try once agiain each morning with the sunrise. If you live in the Orlando area please join us at 10 a.m. on Sundays in Celebration, Florida at Celebration High School in the auditorium.
If you don't live around here and just need a little encouragement, feel free to listen to the podcasts at www.illuminateChurchFL.com
Gay Marriage, Krispy Kreme & Freddie Mercury
Hey guess what? Gay marriage is legal in the U.S.. In case you were wondering why every building, cupcake and gigantic Ferris wheel in America was bathed in Technicolor. I write a blog about my gay life, my Christian life and my journey thus far. I am sure that a lot of my readers, all 6 of ‘em, have been waiting to see what I have to say. Rest assured. I always have something to say. I was at a loss for words once. Only once. It was a rainy night. I had been driving along, when suddenly, a brilliant, neon orange, illuminated sign proclaiming, “HOT NOW” beckoned to me. Rushing in to claim my free, Krispy Kreme donut, I was told that the free donut promotion had been…discontinued. I took a vow of silence and fashioned a black, Christian Dior, argyle dress sock into a makeshift armband, which I wore for 3 weeks.
Much like the animals I used to train at Sea World, I have learned a lot from the mistakes of my past. I have learned that my response to the Chick-fil-A scandal of a few years back was hasty; that my agreement with Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty was over exuberant. This time around, with such a hot topic as gay marriage poised and ready to make it’s way down the line, like one of my favorite, fried Krispy Kreme delicacies, I pause for a moment of prayer, reflection and careful thought. I envision a gay community with faces, hearts and souls, rather than the visage of a great, political monster that just pissed me off with “what he had said!”.
If have you have known me five minutes, you know that I lived as a gay man for 10 years. I had an encounter with Jesus. He led me to walk away from my gay life. My friend Sy said this of walking away from homosexuality. “I didn’t leave homosexuality, because I thought it was bad. I left homosexuality, because I found something better.” That something better was Jesus. This isn’t a blog about whether you can be gay and Christian. I won’t try to convince you of anything, but rather I would challenge you to go somewhere quiet, have a conversation with Jesus and give Him the chance to awaken your heart to the truth.
I grew up in the Assembly of God church. We shouted, sang and jumped around. Church services were similar to an Ozzy concert, except we were always angry if the devil showed up. I grew up perceiving that “homosexuals were an abomination” to God. Much like many of my gay contemporaries, I knew at a very young age that I felt different from other boys. In later years I was led to believe that meant I was gay. 30 years later, with tears pouring down my face I would read a very biblical, extremely compassionate document authored by the AOG General Counsel about homosexuality, circa 1979. I was 9 years old. A great and deep ache welled up within me. Questions flooded in. “Why was I just hearing about this now?” “Why hadn’t I been privy to the life giving words of this document when I needed it most?” “Where was this scripture when I was sustaining the emotional blows of the misinterpreted mantra of Leviticus 18:22?” This document had the potential to save me from so many years of heartache and brokenness as a gay man, yet I had never heard of it until now.
I don’t believe that all the people in my church were bigoted A-holes, bent on the destruction of homosexuals. I believe that the real answer was tinged with fear, misunderstanding and ignorance brought about by the enemy of our soul; satan. To the gay community and the Christian community alike, I humbly say this. Satan is the true enemy: not the church or the gay community.
I have known my friend Justin for years. Justin is gay and he is one hell of an animal trainer. He has an incredible heart and a beautiful spirit. When Justin came into my life, he had been with his partner Anthony for 13+ years. What would you think my first assignment from God was concerning Justin? Tell him to repent for being gay? Share Jesus and my testimony with him? None of the above. God simply said, “Love him”. I did a pretty good job. I learned that when you are given the freedom to love someone, you are relieved of the duty of having to “fix” them. When you look beyond a person’s sin and brokenness, you can begin to love them the way Jesus does. Everyone, regardless of whom they choose to marry, has human needs that create opportunities, which allow us to share the love of Jesus, before we ever quote a single line of scripture.
I loved Justin well. When his partnership with Anthony ended, he came to me in tears. His sadness wasn’t my opportunity to speak out against sin. It was a chance to comfort another human being with the comfort that I had been comforted with myself; the love of Jesus. How did I comfort him? I shared about my own breakup with a boy almost 20 years ago. I could speak to my friend Justin from a humble place of familiarity, rather than from the self-righteous perch atop my Ivory Tower.
I believe God has something better for every gay man and woman that far outweighs the expected hopes and promises of gay marriage or even a gay life. There may be victory for the moment, but this win will do nothing to silence the ache of lonely hearts that only Jesus can quell.
I know why so many in the gay community seek to legalize gay marriage. I understand them. I have lived them. This isn’t a blog written by another Christian standing to bash the church. I was wounded by men in the church, but it was in the church at the hands of other men that I found healing and affirmation. I would ask the church at large and the pastors who have been praying vehemently against gay marriage one question: “If you view gay marriage as an event so heinous as to usher in the Apocalypse, do you have something better to offer the gay community instead?” Wouldn’t our prayers for the salvation of lost people have been better than thousands of prayers to stave off a single, inevitable event indicative of the fallen world we live in. If thousands in the gay community knew Jesus as their savior, it wouldn’t have mattered if Freddie Mercury himself resurrected to perform the ceremonies.
I write to the gay community and Christians alike. I ask humbly for your consideration. If you are happy being gay, I won’t challenge you. If you are gay and unhappy, I implore you to add Jesus to your search. To the church at large, I need you to know. I was raised in the congregation of an AOG church, not cooked up in a lab in San Francisco. I believe I was born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay. To a large extent my sensitive nature was not prized among the men in the church, but was celebrated in the arms of the gay community. Men of God, it’s your role to decide who will shape the lives and destinies of sensitive boys like me: the church or the world.
I responded unwisely and hastily to political shakeups of the past. I don’t want to be “that Christian”. I want to be the Christian whose light shines so bright that the lost are drawn in like I was to the “HOT NOW” sign. I want to impact each person I encounter with a heart surrendered to Jesus, rather than a Facebook page filled with witty rhetoric. I want each person who encounters me to leave loved, affirmed and heard. I want to be a Christian who isn’t afraid to set knee to knee and eye to eye with someone from the gay community or anyone else who needs a little less battle and whole lot more compassion.
From the Top of the World
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Too much of a good thing? Hit or miss for sure. Massage Therapy - a total hit. Perpetual daylight - definite miss. This, my second visit to Alaska, just so happens to be taking place at the onset of summer. It is a guarantee of warmer temps, but also nearly 24 hours of sunlight. Too much of a good thing, for sure. On my first evening, sleep came around midnight as the sun was doing its best South Beach impersonation. The air temp rested somewhere between Arendelle and Hilary Clinton; chilly to bitter cold. Perfect sleeping weather for my inner polar bear, but the vampire in me waited on bated breath for an elusive sunset that would never come.
Endless sunlight takes some getting used to for humans, but for the plants that depend on our nearest star’s nurturing light, it spawns an unimaginable season of growth. Vegetables grow to more than twice their normal size. You haven’t lived until you have gazed upon the likes of a colossal, Alaskan cabbage, nutritiously baked in the sun’s nourishing rays. This got me to thinking. If mere vegetables experience exponential growth basking in the light of the sun, wouldn’t we encounter the same effect if we were continuously bathed in the Light of the Son as well? The Son of God that is.
For many years I was one of those, “Feed me on Sunday Preacher” parishioners, relying on a pastor to expound on the bible once weekly, while my own bible gathered more dust than a Liberal’s book on ethics and morality. I hadn’t refused to read the bible, but I had not been purposeful about ingesting the word of God either. I found a few scriptures on the importance and purpose of studying God’s word, as someone who calls himself a Christian.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 - All scripture given by inspiration of God, and profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness
Matthew 4:4 - But He answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.
Joshua 1:8 - This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.
Hebrews 4:12 - For the word of God [is] quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
I attended a Baptist church once where the pastor asked everyone to stand for the reading of the word. That always stuck in my mind as pretty cool; very reverent. A Christian who doesn’t read, study and live by the Word of God is a like a beach enthusiast who extols the virtue of the ocean based on one visit to the seaside 40 years prior. The bible says that Jesus’ mercies are new every morning. If that is true, why are we attempting to live a Christian life based on the work God did in our lives 20 years ago?
I hear so many complaints registered against God, because He hasn’t (blank) or He can’t (blank) or He can’t be trusted. There is even a scripture that talks about screwing up our own lives, but giving God the blame. Proverbs 19:3“A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.” God suffers the same fate of many celebrities whose character gets maligned by the National Enquirer. He gets a bad rap based on bogus information.
I say this with the love of Jesus in my heart; if you can’t trust God then you don’t know Him. I’m not saying that you aren’t saved. I am saying, if you have a relationship with someone and profess to love them, then you usually spend each day figuring out ways to get close to them, to know them deeper than the day before. One of the best ways to get to know God is by getting to know His Word. I remember how it used to feel when I couldn’t be with the one I loved, but could do the next best thing; read their letters they had written me. The bible truly is God’s love letter to us.
I was 7 years into my Christian walk, before I finally got serious about reading the bible. My friend Kathy came to me and issued a challenge that if we were going to be Christians we needed to stop dinking around and start reading the Bible. After a few months of reading the bible daily, the Holy Spirit revealed me to just how dumb I had been all those years, by neglecting to read the bible. I saw how much God’s grace had covered me while I engaged a broken and fallen world, spiritually unarmed and unprepared. For years I was trying to operate a Christian life having never referenced the owner’s manual. I can’t say it enough. Prayer and daily bible reading are a must for a Christian who desires a deeper walk with God and better understanding and perspective of life’s emotional ebb and flow. 1 Peter 2:11 “Dear brothers, you are only visitors here. Since your real home is in heaven, I beg you to keep away from the evil pleasures of this world; they are not for you, for they fight against your very souls.” We will find the tools necessary to “keep away from the evil pleasures of this world” in the bible. Galatians 5:16 says “…walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”
Recently, I was contacted by a guy whose life is shrouded in loneliness. His first question to me: “You ever felt like you didn’t have any friends when you were growing up?” My professional answer: “Every frickin’ day”. I shared with him the extreme isolation in my family and terminal loneliness that set me up to fall for the false love and acceptance offered by the men of the gay community. I had built up a deficit of loneliness and the men I was introduced to were more than willing to keep company with a cute, young guy searching for a place to belong. The bible says in Proverbs 27:7 “He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.”
There are so many aspects of life that will never make sense as a Christian without the illuminating power of God’s word. Psalms 119:105 - Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
My daily devotion came from the daily reading we participate in at IlluminateChurchfl.com. Our daily reading plan can be found at www.lifejournal.cc.
Philippians 2:12 “…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. 14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life…
“…for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure…” Right there, it says that God will give you the strength and the will to do what He has for you to do. As far as deals go that is a Groupon Style Deal Buster Daily Double Bonus.
If you are currently or have continually been at a place where your life is going nowhere fast, it’s time you hand control of the life, that you have consistently poorly managed over to God. As I told my friend who texted me, God has a tendency of clearing the relational landscape of distraction until we realize that He should be our ‘everything’. God has to our everything before anyone else can be our anything. God allows loneliness to descend on our lives to drive us into His arms, but we often go the way of “poor, pitiful me” and allow loneliness to separate us and condemn us to a life of solitude. The life bearing light of the Son will seldom penetrate the caves of loneliness where we have exiled our hearts. Step into the light my friends. Wake from your slumber. Emerge from your self-prescribed exile. Claim what was rightfully purchased for you by Jesus through His work on the cross. John 10:10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I (Jesus) have come that they (you) may have life, and that they (you) may have it more abundantly.”
James 4:8 “If we draw near to God, He will draw near to us.” is