Tired of Fighting

I am so glad I fired Cable TV years ago.   I get so frustrated when conversation with another human revolves around “Do you watch that show…?” instead of “How are you really doing?” then I think we might be missing the point of relationship. As I was sitting for free breakfast in a random hotel somewhere in the Florida Keys, CNN brought a random nugget of information into my world. The news ticker hurriedly proposed a question: “Iraq Armed Forces Grow Weary of Fighting?” 7 little words held the key to unlocking a treasure chest of inspiration in my cerebral recesses.   Tired of fighting. Oh my goodness, who hasn’t been there? Tired of fighting. YES! That describes so many people. The bible challenges us in Galatians 6:9 to “not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

In Ephesians 6:9-12 10 “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” There is a war going on for our very souls; for the souls of those people around us. Even those people we can’t stand to be around. Prayer is a good idea in today’s world.

I have been in and around the world of “ex-gay” ministry for about 16 years now. I have known of God much longer. I only got serious at my chronological mile marker of 27. For so many years I fought against God and my Father and not against the real enemy, satan. I allowed the enemy to separate me from God and my family far too long. I wasn’t in the place of being tired of fighting. I was so bitter and angry that I lived for the fight. Over the years I have gotten to know many men and women who decided, like me, to leave homosexuality behind. At one point we were tracking with one another that we had not been born gay and we wanted to honor God with our sexuality. As is always the case, the stress of the fight got to some people. Their temptations got the best of them and they started dabbling once again in the fires of sexual sin. They grew weary of taking up the cross of their sexual sin and following God’s design for their lives and not their own. To watch this was sad and discouraging. I could almost hear the laugh of the enemy as one after another fell back into sin and fell away from God.

As I watched great mentors of my own fall away and claim a different gospel than I had been taught and believed. I also felt the eyes and accusations of the world closing in on those of us who were choosing to remain true to our convictions. I experienced an array of emotions from anger to bewilderment. “How could they be so stupid?” or “Don’t they know what the bible says?”   I would go from legalistic in my approach to overly gracious in a desperate attempt to bring them back to the fold. The false deity of gay Christianity began to emerge. It was a movement that would change the fight forever. It was the enemy’s way of concocting a tasty, noxious cocktail capable of sedating my friends and colleagues into a religious stupor.   satan still uses the truth tinged with lies and seduction to lure hurting men and women away from God. The conversational serpent of Adam and Eve’s garden has grown and matured into the two-headed dragon of political correctness and one-way tolerance.

I am asked all the time my opinion of what happened to Exodus International. Daily queries emerge about Alan Chambers and Randy Thomas. One shining ray of hope is that some folks I talk to have no idea of the tumultuous events of the past few years in the ex-gay movement. At the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that men and women have grown tired of the fight for good reason.  They have exchanged the truth of God for a lie. They misunderstood that homosexuality, though maybe not a conscious choice for them, was still a matter of choice with God. All questions of sexuality can only be answered fully and finally in relationship with God.   The standards set forth by the bible are the only standards by which all men must live. If we follow God wholly and diligently, then He makes sense of our sexuality. If we follow our sexuality wholly and diligently, then the standards of God make absolutely no sense.

I would hazard a guess to say that many of my friends have fallen away not because they are perverts or bad people, but simply because they underestimated both the seductive power of satan and the redemptive nature of God. I myself have experienced times where I am indeed “Tired of fighting”. I have not always responded well to the evidence of that fight in myself or others. One thing I have done, is consistently referred back to the standard set by the bible, regardless of my horny feelings or feelings of desperation. Alan Chambers himself always told me that my feelings were not an accurate way to measure my progress. He said that your feelings would more often than not lie to you.  While it appears he has not followed his own advice to me, he lead to me God's design for my homosexuality.  He deserves my prayers not my criticism.  I follow Jesus, not Alan Chambers or Steven Furtick or any other fallible man.

If we are not living our Christian lives under the template of Jesus, then we are subject to the waxing and waning standards or absence of standards set by this crazy, broken world we live in.

The answer my friend if you are tired of the fight, is not to keep trudging through the mud hoping that “It Gets Better” as Dan Savage would have us believe or to simply give in to sin and temptation. The answer is to cry out as I did to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and watch Jesus Christ take the fight out of our hands, because He has indeed, already won.

Viral Seduction

Acts 20:26-31 26 "Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of any of you. 27 For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. 28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. 29 I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30 Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31 So be on your guard!..." I heard a sermon from a pastor in Nashville. He zigzagged around his topic like a redneck running serpentine trying to outrun alligator. With 10-12 minutes left, he affirmed that his church would now extend membership privileges and marriage rights to LGBT attendees. There was a mixture of silence and applause. The sermon can be summarized in one paragraph: “50 minutes from now I’m going to horribly compromise the word of God, taking this congregation in a direction that honors people, not God. We are no longer going to concern ourselves with obedience to God’s word. Instead, we are going to become an all-inclusive social club led by human emotion and unbridled compassion.”  Scripture after scripture comes to mind.

Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

For years, I’ve watched friends and mentors wander from the truth of God’s word when it comes to homosexuality. The ebb and flow takes a toll on my heart. It never gets easier to watch, but I’ve grown to expect the falling away. Facebook often bears witness when another “spiritual Titanic” is sinking. The bible even says that if possible in last days that even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived.

I run a ministry to a small cross section of men in the gay community, who find themselves desiring a life surrendered to God and not governed by their SSA.  I can understand where this guy in Nashville is coming from. Yet a ministry of all love and grace and no truth, is a false doctrine that leads people astray. A hyper grace centered focus is one factor that helped capsize the ministry of Exodus International. The Nashville Pastor’s approach to marriage and the LGBT community is steeped in worldly value, but skewed biblical truths. A Facebook friend posted the video with this caption: “Happy to call this man my pastor.” My heart winced. The effort to include a “disenfranchised” few, had instantly discredited my story of Jesus’s transforming power. The posting was from an acquaintance who knew my story, but chose to believe a lie. My heart says that people in that body of believers are being cheated out of what Jesus Christ can do when we surrender our broken sexuality to Him.  All it takes is one misinformed, misguided pastor speaking out of the recesses of his heart instead of being submitted to the word of God.

Matthew 15:13-14 13 But He answered and said, “Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.”

Gay “christianity” is not an authentic Christian walk.  Matthew 15:8-9 8 "These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.  9 And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.”  It is a offshoot of Christianity focused more on the acceptance of homosexual sin and those involved in it, rather than focusing on surrendering one’s whole heart to the will of God. Here are some telling quotes from the Gay Christian Network mission statement.

“Through conferences, speaking events, videos, message boards, and more,                  we’re TRANSFORMING THE CONVERSATION in the church and working to ‘share Christ’s light and love for all.’ ” (Emphasis is mine.)

1 John 5:3 “In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands… “. Despite repeated attempts by gay advocates to “TRANSFORM THE CONVERSATION” and rewrite scripture, God will never change His conversation on sexually immoral behavior. Scripture says that “love for God, is keeping his commandments”. Loving God even means honoring His commandment to abstain from acting out homosexually, not devising ways to reframe the biblical narrative on homosexuality. James 4:4 claims this “…Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” The truth is, God starting laying the foundations of this conversation long before satan’s Public Relations team began retooling it.

I am reminded of Psalm 119:105 “Your WORD is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” As Christians, we are to be led by God’s word, not man’s opinion. Matthew 22:37 “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart…soul…and mind.’ 39 And…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” Verse 39 is deceptively used to ‘preach’ the concept that loving someone unconditionally means universal acceptance of their sinful behavior. Christ loves us, but He doesn’t approve of our sinful behavior.

The Gay Christian movement is strong, as are all attacks of the enemy against God’s plans for humanity. I’m reminded that large gatherings of sinful people isn’t something new; it’s been happening for millennia. However, the size of the crowd is not proportionate to the “rightness” of the cause. It simply bears witness with Matthew 7:13- “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”  

I believed for 20+ years that I was born gay. For 16 years, I have allowed Jesus Christ to be the driving force behind my beliefs, rather than my broken sexuality. Authentic Christianity doesn’t’ come with a prefix.   Promoting gay “christianity” means making room on the pew for alcoholic Christians, gluttonous Christians and straight, unmarried, sexually active Christians. We all struggle with sin, but when sexual immorality is hybridized with our Christian walk, God is not honored. We must surrender our sexual sin to God for His help, instead of submitting it to God, demanding His approval. Jesus is more into transforming lives than opinions. He says in Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Alcoholics can get help for addiction. Overweight people have outlets for weight loss. Yet, satan has worked overtime to normalize the sin of homosexuality. Pastors and churches promoting freedom from homosexuality are vilified in the press.   Speak the biblical truth about sexual sin or support any organization teaching freedom from homosexuality and you’ll be attacked and brutalized. Any attempts at a balanced, intellectual dialogue are thwarted with cries of “Anti-gay” and “Hate Speech”.

I make the decision daily not to act on my SSA, the same way that unmarried, heterosexual Christians make the decision not to act on their OSA(opposite sex attractions). If the church said it was okay for straight people to act out on their sexual attractions, someone would call foul. So why is the church making allowances when it comes to the LGBT community?

I prayed for many years for God to remove my same sex desires. He never did. That didn’t mean that He didn’t hear me or that He created me gay. It simply meant that God’s plan of how to deal with my SSA didn’t involve a Holy Spirit zap.

God’s perceived indifference to my modern day prayers does not supersede the cacophonous authority of His holy scripture.

If God had zapped me during those late night, bedside prayer sessions, I do not believe I would have known Jesus as intimately as I do. If someone who struggles with SSA is honest about their early life experiences, common developmental patterns for SSA tend to emerge. In some cases, homosexual desires were, indirectly or directly, nurtured by the individual, friends or family. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character”.

I didn’t choose to have SSA. I did choose to make bad decisions because of those feelings. While no one chooses to have same sex attractions, I do believe that men are created Artistic, Sensitive and Creative. The gift of sensitivity can be man’s greatest gifting or the source of his biggest wounding.

I am thankful that the church I grew up in never preached acceptance of homosexual sin. While I believe that the evangelical church should adhere to biblical standards for all forms of sexual immorality, I think churches should welcome the LGBT community. Where else are they going to find relationship with Jesus and freedom from SSA?

Walking away from homosexuality was one of the most difficult journeys I have ever taken. Ultimately, it was the disappointment and heartache of the gay life and the leading of the Holy Spirit that led me to Jesus. The thought of walking away from homosexuality generated many fears. “I’ll have to go through puberty again.” “I’ll have to wake up every day and tell myself ‘I’m not gay’. ” “I didn’t want to date women.” “I can’t trust God. He made me this way. He ignored my cries for help.” “No one has ever left homosexuality. It isn’t possible.” Thank God, none of that was true. I realized too late, that FEAR was a big part of my belief system. I lived my life believing in an angry, semi powerful God. Boy was I wrong!

One of the reasons homosexuality is so hard to walk away from is that it pervades every area of a person’s life. The defining characteristic of homosexuality is not a simple sex act between a same sex couple, but a level of brokenness so intricate that it forces a person to work desperately to restore some sense of normalcy to the chaos. That was my daily existence for 10 years.

At the end of the day, I don’t support the gay life. After having lived it myself, God demonstrated that homosexuality is not God’s best for anyone. As Christians our identity is defined by our Savior, not our sexual brokenness. In Matthew 7:20-21, the bible says that we will know other believers by the fruit they produce. It also says “not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” The will of the Father calls us to abstain from sexual immorality. Every area of our lives is subject to the will of God.

Romans 14:12 woke me up to reality. “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” God was going to hold me personally responsible for how I lived my life and my response to Jesus’ sacrifice for my sin. After living ten years as a gay man and calling myself a gay Christian, I knew I had answered ‘Yes’ to sin and ‘No’ to Jesus Christ.

Contrary to popular belief, Jesus spoke out against all forms of sexual immorality, homosexuality included. The bible never classified homosexuality separately than other forms of sexual immorality. You can credit modern day gay advocates for that. Jesus addressed sexual immorality in general in Matthew 15: 19, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person…”.  Sexual immorality, homosexuality included, defiles a person. That is pretty clear.

I wholeheartedly agree that the church hasn’t been kind to the LGBT community. However, over sympathizing as a means of correcting the wrongs of the past fosters a grotesque wave of hyper-sensitivity, where rather than bringing truth and grace simultaneously to the wounded, we bow to their every whim.

In the wrong hands, Love becomes a virus rather than a vaccine.

Jesus. nothing else matters.

In the middle of cooking my dinner last night, the Holy Spirit brought a guy to mind and simply said you need to check on him now. I’ve experienced this Holy Spirit inkling before, but had not experienced in awhile. Anyway, I sent the guy a text. The first return text simply said, “Ummm”. The next few texts proved that it was indeed the Holy Spirit’s voice I’d heard and not just my own inner monolgue.           My friend was arranging an intimate encounter with another guy, when he received my text. I shared my Holy Spirit prompting with him. I also let him know that he had the chance to stop the encounter; that the Holy Spirit was looking out for him. My friend’s exact words were, “It’s amazing how I can ignore the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but a text is hard to ignore.” Interesting. When we ignore the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit, sometimes He “phones a friend”. There were a few more texts that evening, but no deep conversation. A voice text in the morning confirmed what I already felt in my spirit.   Despite the warnings, my friend decided not to take the escape route and went ahead with the encounter with the guy.

Before you judge my friend, ask yourself, “Have I ever been there before?” The place where your flesh and your mind conspire to write a script and your body acts it out. That doesn’t absolve us of responsibility. It simply shows us that when we are caught up in our addictions we need supernatural help to break free.

I get lots of calls for help. Some guys are seeking God’s wisdom and some are simply seeking comfort in the moment. It is always a chance to practice humility. If I am simply compassionate, taking their woes on my shoulders, I make myself responsible for meeting their needs. In essence, I become their god. Where the humility comes into play, is realizing that only God can meet their need. I can get an emotional high from helping them, but I am really the only one benefitting. Every phone call should be centered on Jesus and steeped in God’s word. Every conversation should end in prayer. Colossians 3:16 “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit…”. If someone’s problems come to rest on my ego, then nothing eternal is accomplished.

When we neglect to factor Jesus into the equation of our lives, things just don’t add up. Jesus says it this way, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5. In short, we were built to be in relationship with the King of the Universe. Without the Word of God, without fully relying on Jesus, the struggle to break free from sin is done in our own strength. God gives us the strength to walk away. He also cuts the ‘rubber bands’ that keep yanking us back into sin when we’ve reached our limit.

We may have been survivor’s all our life. We may have been the most independent and reliable people on the planet. The veritable Kings of our Castle, but once we say yes to Jesus we must begin the process of surrendering all our “control” over to Him.

I have met many people who’ve said they tried to walk out of homosexuality and it didn’t work. So they stopped trying. Jesus is not something you test drive like a car. He’s a ‘someone’ you continually, diligently pursue for the rest of your life.   James 4:8 says that if we draw close to God, He will draw close to us. More often than not those who’ve tried and failed are doing it in their own strength. Jesus never gets full control of their lives, but He definitely gets all the blame when SSA feelings don’t go away. It isn’t fair. To God? To the struggler? To the people that they will influence?

That being said, this is my official resignation letter. I hereby abdicate my right to the throne as King over my domain and destiny. I hereby resign as the King over anyone else’s as well. I humbly take on the duty of letting my life and my words lead people to Jesus; the person who helped me with my brokenness. The Cross of Christ; where “simply existing” ends and real life begins.

It is my greatest desire to point you to Jesus. He is the only reason I have walked in freedom from the sin of homosexuality. Jesus is the only reason that my same sex attractions never truly solidified into a gay identity. If you are leaning on anything other than Jesus, then I lovingly say you have it wrong. If you are allowing your pride and independence to stand between you and fully surrendering your life to Jesus, you are missing out. If we are not fully relying on Jesus for everything, then we are destined for disappointment. Doomed to tread the same, circular rut, over and over wondering why progress seems so elusive.

Jesus says this, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” -John 14:6.

Jesus also said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” -Matthew 16:24. David Crowder says it this way. “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Lord, I want to go to heaven, but I don’t want to die. Though I long for the day when I have new birth. Still I love livin’ here on earth.”

Luke:14:26 "If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.” Jesus isn’t literally saying to hate anyone. He is simply saying that we are to love Him more than our family and even our very lives. He is saying that He is to be our main influence in this life. Jesus was able to put God’s will before His sexuality. We should hold ourselves to the same standard.

During the years after I walked away from homosexuality, I struggled with doing the right thing. I lived righteously. I lived carnally; like the tides, my spiritual life ebbed and flowed. I knew the bible didn’t support the theology of gay “christianity”, to which I had once subscribed, but I was having trouble reconciling my beliefs and broken sexuality. Eventually, I found Galatians 5:16 “…Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” The bible was basically saying that if I pursued a walk with God, then I could find freedom from my gay life.

I was a few months into my walk with God, when I felt God calling me into a deeper relationship with Him. I had spent 10 years doing my own thing, with my whole heart. It was time to follow God with the same kind of reckless abandon. I didn’t want to be like any of the people Jesus mentioned in Luke:9:57-62.

57 Now it happened as they journeyed on the road, that someone said to Him, "Lord, I will follow You wherever You go." 58 And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." 59 Then He said to another, "Follow Me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father."

60 Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God."

61 And another also said, "Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house." 62 But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."

The Christian walk is about forward motion. I couldn’t see progress on a daily basis when I was just starting to walk with God, but eventually after a few months, I felt lighter. Continue walking toward God and away from your sin and eventually you will see the difference.

I have blogged before about my 35-year struggle with internet pornography. I will never be one to hide my sin, but I will be one to credit Jesus for my triumphs over it. I didn’t walk away from homosexuality more than 15 years ago, because I have great willpower. All the glory and credit for that walk goes to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I demonstrated a willingness to move toward God and away from sin. In turn, God etched a path in the rock for me.   I had to decide to follow God, one difficult decision at a time. The little failures that God allowed, taught me lessons to avoid big failures later on. The world looks at our failures through a magnifying glass. God looks at them through the blood of Jesus.

           Surrender to Jesus. It really is the difference between life and death. The world has plenty of medications to offer and every one of them will keep you sick. Heaven has but one prescription for what ails you and He works every time.

Close Mouth. Open Heart.

Point Number 1: For the longest time, the “word” irregardless wasn’t a word. If I heard it used in conversation, it registered in that part of my brain that processes sounds like ‘nails on a chalkboard’, a cat caught under a rocking chair or anything sung by Taylor Swift.   Many modern “dictionaries” now classifiy ‘irregardless’ as a non-standard word, but a word nonetheless. As I type, spellcheck is delightfully highlighting irregardless with a squiggly, red underline. We learn from the website quickanddirtytips.com. The prefix ‘ir’- is a negative prefix. If you add…‘ir’ to a word that's already negative like regardless, you're making a double-negative…that literally means “without without regard.” Here’s a tip. If you are doing your best to present a valid, intellectual point to support your stance on, well, anything, just use regardless and choose your other words carefully. You don’t want to be deemed illiterate two seconds after you open your mouth to show everybody how smart you are.

Point Number 2: Ever hear the phrase, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. Turns out, it’s not entirely true or biblical. Disagree? Let me introduce you to Job, David, Noah, Joseph, Jesus and every other person that has found themselves at the “I CAN’T HANDLE THIS” end of God’s will. This phrase is serially misquoted as scripture more times than Kim Kardashian has hoisted a camera aloft to snap a selfie. God often does give us more than we can handle, because if we could handle it, well, we wouldn’t need God now would we?

Applying this phrase to someone’s pain is like slapping a band-aid on a hatchet wound. The scripture being mis-referenced here is 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

God provides a way of escape when temptation that leads to sin, comes your way. However, God allows life altering, will-breaking, unmanageable situations into our lives so that we stop leaning “on our own understanding”, strength and resolve and instead surrender to and seek Him out. Temptation and unfortunate circumstances aren’t synonymous.

God often does give us more than we can handle. We can also give ourselves more than we can handle and then mistakenly attribute credit to God. When God does allow trials that are beyond our understanding and strength, it is often to demonstrate our great need for Him. If we flippantly preach this feel good phrase to non-Christians and God does give them more than they can handle, it is God, not us, that gets the blame. We are telling people they don’t need God, because they have what it takes, in themselves, to make it without God. That message contradicts Jesus’ message in John 15.  “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing,” John 15:5. The writing is on the wall. Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing.

Be challenged my friends over the next few weeks. Make every effort to retire this overworked and useless phrase. Instead, offer those in pain, a hug, a listening ear, personal prayer, your own testimony of God’s grace or full-blown scripture that will minister to their eternal well-being. Refuse to simply placate someone’s fleeting, emotional need, when the Holy Spirit is ready to use the opportunity to speak through you and lead your friend to Jesus.

Hard times can crush the heart and open it to ministry. Scripture allows the truth, grace and wisdom of God safe passage into our lives.

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”       Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are             crushed in spirit.”

How does this truth relate to my life? I would not have turned to Jesus Christ were it not for my struggles with homosexuality. That struggle opened a window of opportunity for God, in my life. I had the “perfect” life. I was smart, resourceful and determined to make it on my own without God, my family or any other human, but the struggle with my broken sexuality was far more than I could handle alone. I struggled for many years to reconcile my homosexual desires with my Christianity. As a Christian, it simply isn’t an option to fully surrender to a life patterned around my same sex attractions. I needed the help of an all-powerful savior and all knowing God to help me discover God’s truth and direction concerning my sexuality. I don’t celebrate my homosexual desires like many in the world today, but I know that without that level of sexual brokenness I would not have fully experienced the love of my savior Jesus.

Don’t just pat someone on the back my friends. Touch them down deep with the guiding light of God’s word.

One Yes at a Time

As a young man struggling with gay attractions, there were days I prayed for God to take them away. There were days I felt hopeless for a life apart from them. I gave up on God. He never gave up on me. For that, I am grateful.  God helped me walk away from the sin of my gay life and gave me a new life.  He was only able to do that when I acknowledged my sinful decisions and surrendered to Him. I want the same kind of freedom for anyone stuck between the opinion of the world and the truth of God, regarding homosexuality.  With God all things are possible.  Here is a small portion of my story.  

Picture it. Halloween 1998, I was roaming New Orleans dressed as one of the drag queens from Priscilla Queen of the Desert. God wasn't even a blip on my radar. Many a night prior to this I had wandered around New Orleans drunk and searching. Little did I know, but this evening’s jaunt was to be my swan song in the gay community. Over the next two months, I would make life changing decisions, as my heart grew heavy and my wallet thin.

My father and I were talking more. My mom was growing ill. I promised her I would return home, if she needed me. I had devolved into a completely self serving person and used my mom’s health as an excuse to leave my crazy life behind. During those two months I had been date raped by a guy, broke up with him and began dating his best friend, Scott. Scott was the last guy I dated. It lasted a mere two weeks, serving as a last ditch effort to make the gay life work for me. I was starved for love and affection. I chased off all Scott’s friends in an attempt to have him all to myself. Eventually, Scott broke up with me. I accepted my dad's fervent invitation to return home and "regroup". Why would I return home? Returning home to my hometown was the best and worst thing I could do; it wreaked of failure. God had initiated a chain of events that I couldn’t derail. I was desperate for change of any kind; lost and utterly hopeless.

1998 was drawing to a close. So was my 10 year run as a gay man. My flesh was not happy. I packed up everything I owned and drove from Mississippi to Oklahoma. I had one last hoorah with an ex-boyfriend in Texas before finishing the journey home. A long, lonely chapter was ending. I was abandoning everything to do the right thing. The right thing? I didn't have a fat clue what the right thing was.

My family was the same as I had left them 10 years prior. My mom was still suffering from the ravages of bipolar disorder. My dad was still an absent workaholic. God was silent. Still. For two months I was addicted to the most depraved forms of internet porn, while simultaneously attending church and working 50 hours a week as a truck driver. When God spoke again, it was to the point. He asked me if I was finished with porn and ready to start the business of living out my calling. Life had become exhausting. I gave God one more yes and prayed, "I have tried to make my life work for ten years God. I have tried to be gay no matter what You threw at me. I can't make this gay life work. I don't know how You are going to make it work, but I am giving you the reins of my life Lord. You have complete control. Let's see what You can do."

That was all the invitation God needed. My life changed, when I gave God full access. As you read this, please know that I stand before you as a man of much experience. Translation, a man who has done many wrong things on the way to the right thing. A man whose God never gives up, even when the man does. Jesus Christ is the only reason that any of my words have any influence. I know that many of you stand on the verge of something great. 20 years ago I stood in the very same spot. May I whisper to you a simple encouragement:

"There is Hope. Do not give up. The struggle out of bondage and into the arms of Jesus is worth it."

That journey out of gay life began simply enough. I never made a specific plan not to be gay or not to have sex with guys ever again. I concentrated on serving Jesus one day, then another. Working to rebuild trust that had been shattered by so many men. After a few short months away from bars and guys, God had worked a miracle. He had slowly becoming my one and only. My faith was growing. God was loosening my dependence on all things gay.

What is it that God is asking you to do? What is he saying to "Get rid of"? Is He asking you to stop talking to an old boyfriend? Is He encouraging you to close certain doors to your past? Change your phone number? Delete your Facebook "romances"? Is He asking you to clear space for Him in your busy, mixed up life?

More importantly, are you listening?

I said "Yes" to God once and continually find ways to say "Yes" daily. The time to act is now. God constructs miracles, one "Yes" at a time.

Eyes on Your Own Ballot

Earlier today a young man that I mentored sent me a link to an unsettling, but not surprising blog post. Apparently, it came out that Randy Thomas, the former Vice President of Exodus International, well, “Came Out”.   My friend was emotional. To be honest, it upset me for a millisecond and then I went back to reading my daily devotion. As the day wore on, I felt no need to write an impassioned blog response, adding fuel to a fire that was smoldering at best. While some may see this a great opportunity to dialogue about the woes of gay Christianity, I felt like God was simply saying, tell them about my Son Jesus and what He did for you; about His plan of redemption and mercy for humanity. Don’t trouble yourself with the people who have ultimately rejected God’s plan laid out in the scriptures. That last line wasn’t a dig at anyone. We either say, Yes to Jesus and follow God’s plan for our lives, or we allow sin of any kind to gain a foothold in our life and reject God’s plan by making Jesus a contributor to our plan instead of the Savior of our life. First off, let me just say that Jesus Christ is still working on me. I’m terrible with finances, I drink too much soda and I used to secretly take pictures of larger people at Golden Corral while they weren’t looking. I’m a work in progress, but I fully admit there are areas where I need work. I don’t sit back and try to convince anyone that they should accept and celebrate my faults.

For example, take the area of my sexual brokenness. I lived as a gay man in my mind a lot longer than the actual ten years I lived as a gay man after coming out. I tried to convince everyone that I was “born gay” and then that I was a “gay Christian”. I couldn’t explain my same sex attractions away, so I tried to convince people that God had created me gay. Why?

I felt my same sex attractions deeply, down to my very core.

Thank God there was nobody reinterpreting the bible to validate homosexuality back then. Satan is using so many people as mouthpieces today in an effort to twist scripture and legitimize homosexuality. I knew the bible spoke out against homosexuality and that the only thing supporting my decision to be gay was the aforementioned, “deep-seated” feelings of unknown origin. In my thought life, “they just were there”. This led to the belief that I had no choice, I just had to build a life around them, because they weren’t going away.

I eventually walked away from my gay life. Why would I walk away now when I couldn’t bring myself to walk away before? Had my feelings changed? Did God appear me to in a cloud or a bright light on the highway? No and no. God simply allowed my gay life to lead me to the dead end where it will eventually lead everyone.   Though my feelings had not changed, every ounce of belief that I could be fulfilled and happy as a gay man was gone. True, there was nothing that could separate me from the love of God, but God never placed His blessing on the gay life I was leading. It was outside of His will for my sexuality and the whole of His creation. The grace and mercy of God was that He kept His protective hand on me as I defiantly lived a life that screamed, “NO GOD”, until I was ready to return to Him humbly whispering, “Yes God.”

Every day of my life as a Christian, Jesus gives me the choice to choose life or death. He encourages me to choose life, but He gives me the option to choose death if I want to, it’s the beauty and the curse of Free Will. The choice seems like a no brainer to all those folks out there with minor struggles, but satan has honed his skills since his first act of deception in the garden. He has managed to cloud the choice between life and death by disguising death as a better, more palatable version of “life”. Its troubling to see anyone choose death, but no man who has ever spent time at the altar of an Exodus conference ever walks back into homosexuality easily. They deserve our prayers, but not our judgment or approval. Jesus suffered and endured the pain and anguish of the cross so we could have a choice to wholeheartedly follow God’s will or allow the cares of this world and the allure of sin to cause us to reject His will. Manage your own decision well before ever casting a vote in someone else’s election.

My relationship with Jesus is where my heart rises and falls every day. There will always be temptations to return to the places I was comfortable, no matter what, but I rest assured that temptation is not sin nor does it define my sexual preference or identity. In Christ there will always be a choice as well. The bible I read, speaks of redemption from every manner of sexual sin, including homosexuality. It says that God has a purpose and a plan for man and satan screwed that all up. It says that Jesus Christ came to earth, was crucified and was resurrected from the dead so that you and I can have life and have it more abundantly.

To me that says that I can choose not to live a life forever looking through the viewfinder of homosexuality. All sinful, sexual practices in the bible are still categorized together, because they are all outside the only God ordained sexual expression, which is between a married man and woman. Homosexuality has only been separated out, because it has one heck of a public relations team and thousands of testimonials from “satisfied” customers.

It is not God’s will that anyone live a life based on homosexuality or any other sinful practice. We have the choice to surrender all the broken, sinful parts of our lives to God. He will show each of us the path He has chosen for us to follow based on the bible, or we can choose to follow a path and a god of our own design based on thoughts, feelings and flawed human reason.

Deuteronomy 30:19 “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live…”

Word of the Year

From my devotions: Genesis 18:14a "Is anything too hard for the Lord?...". God remarked this, when referencing the fact that Abraham's wife, Sarah, laughed when God told Abraham that Sarah would give birth. Sarah stood in disbelief of God's words and His promise. Sarah's beliefs were rooted in her experiences and disappointment. How guilty are we of that today my friends? God can't deliver me from this or that. "I'm stuck. I'm hopeless. I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing. At least it feels good and masks my daily disappointment." How different would your day be; if you dared to hope? To believe? To trust?. To do more than let your circumstance determine your level of faith. 16 years ago, I dared to believe I could live a life independent of homosexual brokenness and I took that first, trepidatious out of the darkness of my broken life and into the light of Jesus Christ. Friends and fellow broken people, I dare you to hope again. Don't just give God a try. Give Him your life. Is there really anything that is too hard for the Lord?

Got Screamed at, at Starbuck's

To the man who screamed at me in the Starbuck’s parking lot today, I have two simple words.  "Thank you." You thought that was going to go somewhere else didn’t you. I did, too, when I saw him driving slow and leaning out of the window of his truck. For a moment I started having high school flashbacks and was contemplating an escape route. The interaction, however, didn’t end in tragedy or bullying or anything negative. It was actually a cool, little gift from God above.

I had gone to Starbucks to use the last $3.33 on my gold card, which would have only gotten me half an espresso shot, but I anted up the remaining $1.50 and got my usual, “Fully Loaded Mocha”. I sat inside for a bit and listened as a middle-aged couple regaled a young businessman with their stories of having traveled all over the world, or at least the lower 48.   I watched him smile graciously and laugh here and there. With each positive response, the stories from the wife grew more grandiose. I walked outside after a few minutes, or I am sure I would have caught the tail end of how this woman’s great uncle might have helped assemble the Statue of Liberty or nailed the last remaining plank onto the Mayflower.

Once outside, I sat at a small table where someone had diligently worked to remove the no smoking sticker from the ashen black, metal tables and watched three fire trucks and a paramedic team clear up the remains of totaled Chevy Malibu on the nearby road. Then he showed up. The yelling man.

I saw him pull out of the drive way and pull slowly in front of the store. I had my bible and journal with me and was somewhere between what should I read and “hey look A SQUIRREL” when the gentleman in the truck yelled to me. He must have seen that I was carrying my bible and felt led to share a scripture with me. “Psalm 116,” he shouted triumphantly.   Then he was gone as quick as he had arrived. My fear and angst suddenly gave way to relief and excitement as I turned the pages in my bible to read what God had given this guy to give to me.

What I read was indeed a message straight from God to me; the perfect, spiritual start to my day. I would love to share it with you.

Psalm 116:1 I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. 2 Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. 3 The pains of death surrounded me, and the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. 4 Then I called upon the name of the Lord: “O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!” 5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;yes, our God is merciful. 6 The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. 7 Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. 8 For You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. 9  I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. 10 I believed, therefore I spoke, “I am greatly afflicted.” 11  I said in my haste, “All men are liars.” 12  What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? 13 I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. 14 I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people. 15 Precious in the sight of the LordIs the death of His saints. 16  O Lord, truly I am Your servant; I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. 17 I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the name of the Lord. 18  I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people, 19 In the courts of the Lord’s house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord!

God is for you little brothers.  Keep your ears and your heart open to hear His voice.

Back in…3...2...1

I had one question for God today. "Where is the easy life I was supposed to get when I said yes to Jesus?" You can only imagine God's response. Though, when life gets tough, my first thought resembles this question.  I am sure many of you have been at the place of asking God the same question or simply giving up. When it comes to the battle with Same Sex Attraction, many of my friends have simply given up the fight.  Over the past few years, many leaders I looked up to gave up the fight as well.  Satan has used these instances to sew doubt and confusion into many SSA strugglers lives.  The ministry of Exodus may have died a painful and calculated death at the hand of it's own leaders, but there are still many of us still choosing to maintain our sexual sobriety and purity in a world that honors sexual deviancy and vilifies ex gay men who have chosen a different path.  We don't need Exodus to continue to choose to honor God with our sexuality.

I spent the day fasting and praying. I have a close acquaintance who for all intents and purposes considers me to be the enemy.  I am living for the Lord. He is living for the moment. So I took the situation to God today. I asked for wisdom like the bible says. I cried. I whined. I walked. And walked. At one point I paused briefly for a moment to recalibrate. I felt like my prayers had become formulaic in nature, in an effort to get God to do what I wanted. I started again with a more surrendered heart and my prayers were slower, more honest, filled with a desire to trust God.

"Dear God. Here is the outcome I would like. Do what You will. Dear God, I don't feel anything after all these prayers. Help me learn that being in your presence is not about "feeling" something, it's about TRUSTING."

At the end of my last round of prayers, I had reached the place of resting firmly on the fact that God is in control. There will be some tasks I have to complete, but ultimately He is for both me and my acquaintance. God is able. He is in control.

My reading today came from Genesis 1,2 and Luke 1. I started my new/old devotional reading plan today. If you want to join me and the guys of Big Fish, here is the website. www.lifejournal.cc.  I am going to be more diligent at keeping up this year. Not because I want to be good, but because satan speaks and attacks daily. I need to put myself in the presence of God so that my soul will be renewed by the reading of the word.  For those of you in places of hopelessness right now, there is hope in God's word. Get yourself to the hospital of God's presence.

In Genesis today, God created the world and everything in it. In Luke, God opened the womb of Elizabeth that was long dead.  He brought a miracle child to Mary using just the power of His Spirit. The verse I leave you with today is Luke 1:37 For With God nothing will be impossible. Are you facing impossible odds today? Is it your actions binding God's hand or is it simply that God is not powerful enough?  We both know the answer. God is faithful and all powerful. He can be trusted. Will you trust Him today with problems you've been carrying around for the past year? You have had your chance to fix them. Give God a shot and prepare to be amazed.

Desert of my Dysfunction

WARNING! Adult Content Ahead! This might feel more like a series of rabies injections than Christmas Dinner with Martha Stewart. The level of vulnerability expressed could only be eclipsed if I ripped open my chest, cut out my heart and laid it on the table. I am not a fan of suffering in silence. This piece evolved from a simple question the Holy Spirit asked me.

“Why do you go to porn?”

Three people just stopped reading. Five others popped some popcorn. This blog is equal parts hurt, anger and frustration; a frantic tie-dyed tapestry of raw emotion. Normally, religiously, I abhor the use of the F word, but today I use it pointedly.   If this one blog is the solitary lens by which you view me, you’ve missed the point. I am more than my struggle. More than the use of expletives to demonstrate emotion. I AM a child of God. I struggle with same sex attraction, but try my darndest to make it in a world where I am both maligned and misunderstood. Some will think I have lost my salvation and my mind. Some will cheer. Others will point out the fact that I still struggle with porn to discredit the redemptive work God has done in my life. I am about to go where most Christians never go, but so many Catholics are pleasantly familiar. Welcome, if you dare, to a time of confession.

The question. “Why do you go to porn?”

Because I envy the good-looking guys. I endlessly compare myself to them. Yet I am enticed by them simultaneously. I love the thought of being connected and intimate with another guy. I envy their hair, muscles, masculinity and confidence. I love that they appear to love who they are. I spend many days hating myself. The guys in the movies are fully surrendered and lost to everything. I love that they are surrendered fully to one another, if only for a collective moment. I know that porn is all about fantasy and a false sense of connectedness and intimacy, but these men are fully surrendered, open, honest and naked before one another. Nothing stands between them. That’s why porn is so alluring to a man who has been deprived of legitimate love and relationship with other men his entire life. Guys in porn appear as close as humanly possible, intertwined, committed for a moment.

Take away the sexual aspect of porn and the concept being bastardized is an intimate friendship between two men, comfortable being open, honest, close and connected with one another. Many straight men are afraid to relate, be emotional, share their true feelings or hug without employing the triple pat and release maneuver. They fear being called gay or having their masculinity called into question. This leaves the rest of us, who need healthy touch and connectedness, out in the cold settling for the “crumbs” that fall to the floor.

I know that porn is a caricature of what real relationship between men who love and care for one another as brothers should look like. Jonathan and David demonstrated a healthy connected male friendship. It’s a biblical relationship hijacked by the gay agenda and a relationship that many, straight men live out through the occasional, locker room butt slaps.

A guy at my church, who knows my story intimately endeavored to give me a longer hug than normal the other day.   Another guy, standing nearby, asked him if he was thinking of joining the ministry I direct. I run a ministry for men who struggle with same sex attraction. A single, innocent act of refreshing loving-kindness that my heart needed from another man was derailed by the insecurities of an insecure bystander.

I don’t go to porn, because I am a pervert. I am not a pervert, because I go to porn. I don’t go to porn, because I am gay. I go to porn, because it seems that straight men are so fucking scared of truly open, emotional friendships with another man, that I am left to fantasize about what life would be like if the men in the church were open, honest and didn’t give a rip about what the world says. I could kick my porn habit easily. I could give up every false relationship, every nightly, unfulfilling porn session without a second thought. It would mean that church men would have to step up, love unconditionally, give up their position in the Halls of American Male-dom and descend into the caverns of my fear and shame and love me like Jesus. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t care about your penis. When you continually deny me access to your heart, I am relegated to lusting after the loins in my fantasy world.

Now you know what me and every other broken, gay man in the world needs: true, open, honest, realistic, give and take relationship. Will you still be okay avoiding eye contact? Will you continue to shake our hands as your Christian duty, while avoiding, at all costs engaging my heart? Deep down I know you’re just as broken and messed up as me. Yet, I don’t have the desire or the energy to hide my brokenness for one more day.

So I sit here on the outside of your castle walls, begging for scraps; leftovers from your table. There you sit on a throne of your own design: pompous and shallow. You have as great of a need for connection as I do, but I’ve lost the ability to perpetuate the façade covering my pain. Before you utter one, single word of condemnation, I urge you to consider the following statement.

It was my broken heart not my erect penis that led me to this lifestyle for which you feel such disdain.

I refuse to remain silent one more day about the hollow and often hurtful relationships I’ve had with Christian men. Why is it that every post, every confession of my heart is only answered by women or other sexually broken men? If you indeed have it all together, what gives you the right to hold that life giving, life altering treasure ransom?

There is a world of men finding solace in one another’s beds, because men of God refuse to act, pray, or hug. I beg of you to step down from your Ivory Tower of self-righteousness to give me a sip of water in the desert of my dysfunction. The bible says that if we know that we have the ability to do good for someone and we don’t do it, we can count that as sin.  

I dare you to love me unashamedly. Better yet, I ask you. Love me. I have a need to be loved. The horrible reality of my circumstance is that I’ll meet that need with or without you. As much as you have led me to fear relationships with you, God has called me into your circles. He has called me to trust you with my desperate, broken heart.

Porn becomes a substitute for the love that you could easily provide. I continue to wait outside the wall of your heart. I am lucky. The others that once stood with me, grew tired of waiting. Bitterness, resentment and loneliness gripped their hearts. They continued down the path in an effort to find solace in the arms of another hurting and broken man, instead of in the gospel and The Jesus that you hold hostage.

I die a slow death every time log on as the delicious poison I look to cure my brokenness slowly eradicates the remaining shreds of hope. You have a cure for what ails me, man of God. If Jesus Christ gave to you so freely, why do you place such a high price on it to offer it to me?

I have long since stopped trying to reach the bar you’ve set too high. I have relegated myself to places where substitutions for love and sexuality quench my thirst for a moment, then leave me dead and dry once again. I beg of you. Step outside, beyond the gates of expectation, societal norms, convention and life as a red blooded American male. I have longed for you to step into my world, so that I could feel confident to begin my safe passage into yours.

Gay men may cast off all restraint in relationship, but you occupy the other end of the spectrum, vaccinated against viral emotions. Let us lay down our weapons, realize we are both broken and need one another. One difference between us is that I know my life depends on it. You have yet to be convinced.

The question remains. “How long can I go on living outside the shadow of your castle?” Better still, “How long will you let me?”

A Fawn. A Random Butterfly. New path.

The young man, Joshua, about whom this post was written, has read it and signed off on it's content.  As my old pastor and friend, Joe Saragusa, used to say, the most important thing is "doing life together."  I couldn't agree more.  This post is a little longer than my other blogs, but I believe you'll find it well worth the read.  As always, please keep me, Joshua and our other guys in prayer.  We are constantly under attack from satan and those who would sequester the truth of the gospel.  Enjoy! Last night around 4 am, I covertly sneaked out the back door of the house. There was no plan to secretly wreak havoc on the neighborhood. I just didn’t want to wake the roomies with a clackety clack garage door a squeaky front door. By the way, it was the Holy Spirit’s idea. For an hour, I walked the neighborhood and prayed. I returned around 5 am, finally ready for bed. This must have been what it was like for Adam to walk in the garden with God. Recklessly abandoned in God’s presence. It was cool, quiet and peaceful. Precious times these are to me. I need them more often. One of my forever friends, Kathy, exhorted me that I am a missionary now. It is absolutely my job to pray consistently and get alone with God.

Yesterday, I was led to pray after seeing a friend’s Facebook post. Now it wasn’t horrible, but satan has a way of spinning things out of control, kind of like the Kardashians or a Democratically controlled senate. What matters most is that my friend, Joshua, undeniably loves Jesus, but he’s still kind of dabbling in worldly things. A wave of palpable sadness and confusion washed over me as I read his post. I prayed, surrendering that feeling to God. Prayer opened my heart to a desire to get alone with God ASAP. Thus my 4 am stroll, 12 hours later. Yes, my day was that busy. As I walked, I prayed over many guys; three specifically. I don’t know about you, but I fight trusting that God knows what He is doing in other people’s lives, especially when I see them headed down destructive paths. I gotta remember; Faith in the Father, not Faith in the Faltering.

A few months ago, I realized that God was orchestrating a shift. The delicate bubble I had strategically constructed around my ministry was dying a slow and painful, perhaps necessary death. It was my first text from Joshua that alerted me to God’s shenanigans. In our first correspondence, He informed me that he loved Jesus, but he wasn’t interested in walking out of homosexuality just yet. In the past I would have bristled a bit in my mind, listened graciously and began the strategic process of furthering my well-meaning agenda in his life. My initial ‘crisis response’ was averted by a whisper from the Holy Spirit.

At our first meeting, I sat and listened to Joshua’s amazing story. On our walk from the restaurant where we’d had lunch, to a coffee shop, the Holy Spirit told me to be open to learning from him. Holy Ghost say what? I was stricken with acute and immediate mental paralysis. Learn from him? What could I possibly learn from him? He was lost, right? He wasn’t interested in following the same chaste path as me. Talk about a train wreck in the brainwork. What on earth would I have to learn from him?

5 hours later, I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit at that meeting. It was like God installed a fiber optic cable between my brain and His heart. I was also overwhelmed at the presence of the Holy Spirit in Joshua’s life and the level of communication he had with our Father. As the minutes ticked by, it was increasingly evident, that God was writing an amazing love letter to Joshua.

My emotional, roller coaster ride with Joshua continues. It’s a new level of interaction for me. We have some very honest dialogue. I feel challenged by him. I have apologized a million times and look forward to a million more. I am indeed, learning from him as the Holy Spirit said I would. My core beliefs haven’t changed, but I am learning, through Joshua, how to better love the men and women of the gay community.

The foundations of my relationship with Joshua were shaky in the beginning. There were times I’d think he was finished talking with me for good. There were times I felt I was through talking with him for good.   God always encouraged me to maintain the connection. Eventually, Joshua needed a new place to live; a place of refuge. I always refer to my house as “a place of refuge”, but there was no way I could let someone stay there who was actively gay.   We live according to a strict set of rules. He didn’t want to live under those rules. I found myself being ‘that Christian’. I said something to the effect of,

“That’s a tough situation. I will pray that you. You can’t come live with me, but I’ll help you find another place., I will pray for you.”

It took a few days for me to realize just how self-preserving and pompous those words were. My words were completely blocking a move of God and putting Him in the box of my intellect, prejudice and fear. As the words dripped from my lips, my stomach soured a little. I had pledged my life in service to Jesus first and in service to others second, to love them as myself, but…

“Was there anything more that I could do?”

The question danced about on the surface of my brain, like a random butterfly amongst the flowers, defying capture, inspiring wonder. It was all that God needed for a new journey began.

A few days later, Joshua began texting a slew of angry and sad texts tinged with frustration and angst. He said that he felt like God was saying the answer to his problems was to come and live at my house. As I read his texts from the “ivory tower” of my heart, I knew that he wasn’t truly surrendering to God, but instead succumbing to the pressures of life. I read them and began a quiet celebration broke out in my head. God had finally brought Him to the end of himself, but something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel 100% okay with the circumstances. The Holy Spirit led me to question my attitude. Honest dialogue broke out again between Joshua and I. In his honesty, he carefully laid a few more tender pieces of his heart on the table. Even though I had no idea what to do, I knew the Holy Spirit was calling me to listen and be present. No longer could I blindly say, ‘I’d love to help’, to the safe people my choosing. God was calling me to put actions to my words. I was scared to death.

I met Joshua for lunch. I shared my “house rules” with him. As I shared the rules and cost of rent with him, I saw his countenance fill with more anger and frustration. I wasn’t helping him. I was doing more damage; subjecting him to emotion and spiritual castration. It was almost as if I was saying, “Ha, Ha! I have a house and you don’t. Jump through these flaming hoops and recite this pledge and we’ll see what we can do.” Don’t get me wrong. Rules have a place, but when we put a price on what God freely offers, we commercialize the gospel and drain it of its power. Our actions keep those who desperately need God distanced from His true heart for them. It’s like telling a critically wounded patient to wait outside the emergency room until their wounds have healed.

The sermon at church the next day was all about forgiveness and coming to the Father freely. The Holy Spirit asked me that day,

“How many hoops did I ask you to jump through before you came to live “in my house”? ((Insert Serial Gut Punching Sequence…HERE!))

He was right. I wasn’t helping Joshua draw closer to Jesus. I was piling obstacles in his path and doubling the weight of his burden. With tears flowing down my cheeks I repented of what I had done to this young man. I stayed in a spirit of prayer that entire day. That afternoon, I began the process of tweaking the rules to keep the guys already in the house safe, while providing a place of refuge for another one of God’s broken sons.

Later that night, my roommate and I humbled ourselves before Joshua, who was hurting and broken. We washed his feet and hands. We anointed him with oil. We granted him forgiveness and repented on behalf of Christians who have hurt him. Ultimately, we prayed over him and welcomed him in as our brother. A week later, he moved in and the bubble of self-protection that I, not God had tried to sustain ceremoniously burst. To say the least, I am like a newborn deer in this new place with God; wobbly, uncertain but staying close.

It hasn’t been an easy walk. Not because Joshua is bad, but because it’s a new journey for me. Joshua has actually made the transition fairly easy. God speaks pretty clearly to me regarding Joshua. One morning, I awoke to God saying, “He’s not yours. He’s mine.” I would find out later that this young man’s parents had prayed those same words over him when He was younger, “He’s not ours God, He’s Yours.” Wha What? I told you, FIBER OPTIC connection.

I am both encouraged and challenged by my relationship with Joshua and his knowledge and love for the Lord. When I opened Big Fish ministry 5 years ago, I thought I was simply going to minister to men with unwanted same sex attractions. God knew it was going to be so much more than that. I just missed that memo. What it boils down to is simply this: trusting God, being obedient and having a heart for people.  God can be trusted to lead the way and fill in the blanks.

Not Who I Was. He is the Great I Am

scripture hallway

It was fall of 1993. I was loading up my shiny, red S-15 pickup truck and moving to Galveston. It was Phase 2 of my plan to become a world famous killer whale trainer. Phase 1 consisted of a 3-week tropical marine biology class in The Bahamas and a separate overnight stay in Paris…Texas that is. I was leaving my home in Barnsdall, Oklahoma and finally pursuing a Marine Bio degree. When that truck drove out of my parent’s driveway for the last time, it was packed with a comfy, college dorm chair, sentimental, knick-knack crap and equal parts bitterness and rebellion. In the driver’s seat was an angry, hurting 22-year old boy. That boy, was me. There were many reasons I was headed to Texas: college, a psycho ex-boyfriend, Shamu and to run away from who I had been for the last 16 years. I also hoped that God wouldn’t pursue me that far south of the bible belt.The night before I left, I packed every, last, damn thing I owned into that little, red truck. I resented my parents so much that I slept on a comforter in the middle of the living room floor, as one last act of defiance. My mom wasn’t ready for me to move that far from home. Her pain was palpable. I sensed it before one tear dared to stain her cheek. She came to me that night to wish me good night. I had already begun to close my heart off to her emotionally. After years of torturing emotional incest by my mother, this cold, callous reaction was simply a defense mechanism. That night, however, she came to me broken, wounded and sincere. It was that night I think her “mother’s” heart, shattered into a thousand icy shards. It was a turning point for both of us. Her words were simple and true. “You don’t have to go,” she said. “I don’t care if you are sick,” she continued, “I don’t care if you are dying. I don’t care if you are gay. You don’t have to go.” “I don’t care if you are gay”. The words are still just as haunting today.

She knew? SHE KNEW! She knew.

Paralyzed by fear, I just stood there. I looked away. I couldn’t let her see further inside. Besides, my eyes were as cold and dead as my heart. I said nothing, but left her alone to face the echoes of her pain in silence. Nothing was going to change my mind. I was tired of hurting, tired of not fitting in and tired of all the lies. Texas was my answer. Texas was going to “fix” me. At some point in life, I drew comfort from her confessions. Yet, there was nothing she could have said to reach me that day. My feet were firmly planted in Oklahoma, but my heart was already in Texas. My mom knew that many of the reasons I was leaving would fall under the heading, ‘Escape’. I had mistakenly filed them all under “Freedom’. It didn’t matter. At 9 that next morning, I would be fully committed to whatever brand of heaven or hell lay before me. That self proclaimed journey into ‘Freedom’ led me down the road to periodic HIV tests, many a drunken stupor and blackout and eventually a heart so broken and deceived that it led to a night of prostitution. The most incredible thing wasn’t that I Survived my self-prescribed journey into freedom. The most incredible thing was The Reason that I survived it.

Jesus Christ was with me the entire time.

From the moment I set foot in Galveston, God was with me. The first guy I dated was a Baptist minister’s son. What did we discuss on our first date? Christianity and homosexuality. This is what happens when God has a call on your life. He won’t frickin’ leave you alone. God was there. Even when I thought He wasn’t. Even when I hoped He wasn’t. Even after I told him to ‘F’ off, because I was going to be gay no matter what. Even then, He never left me, never abandoned me. Years later, I would read the following passage in the Bible, “Where can I go from Your Spirit?
 Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10. The author was expressing the realization that there is literally nowhere we can go to be to away from God. While I wasn’t so keen on God seeing everything I had done, I couldn’t deny that life with God was like one great, big, spiritual “Where’s Waldo” adventure. My story of redemption through Jesus Christ was one of wooing and chasing, doting and pursuing. I rejected Jesus for so many years. Yet He pursued me. I blamed Him for all my pain. Yet He continuously forgave me. I built a wall around my heart. I pushed people away. I lived in the rancid isolation of sexual brokenness that so many in today’s gay community call “Freedom”. I can’t remember many days when I called out to God, but He never stopped calling to me. I have every reason to daily hang my head in shame, for the porn that I have seen, the sex I have had and the life that I lived. However, the word of God says in 2 Corinthians 5:21 “For He (God) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (Jesus). I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ. What a reason to hold my head high and celebrate. It’s not my any act or effort of my, but by the power of Jesus Christ to save me, cleanse me and forgive me. I am no longer defined by the sins of my past. You can choose to no longer be defined by your brokenness, but instead by the One who fixes the broken. It took me more than ten years to surrender most of my broken pieces to Jesus. Yet it took Him less than a millisecond to say “Welcome Home”. As a boy who had always looked for a place to belong, those words fell like rain in the desert of my isolation. Jesus is still performing rescue missions little brothers. It matters not what you’ve done or are doing. What matters most, is saying Yes to Jesus. The bible says that those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. It’s time; to end one journey and start another. The same Jesus Christ, who took those first steps with you into sexual sin and brokenness, is waiting at the next exit with cheers and celebration.

“Let the children come to me…for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14