Desert of my Dysfunction
WARNING! Adult Content Ahead! This might feel more like a series of rabies injections than Christmas Dinner with Martha Stewart. The level of vulnerability expressed could only be eclipsed if I ripped open my chest, cut out my heart and laid it on the table. I am not a fan of suffering in silence. This piece evolved from a simple question the Holy Spirit asked me.
“Why do you go to porn?”
Three people just stopped reading. Five others popped some popcorn. This blog is equal parts hurt, anger and frustration; a frantic tie-dyed tapestry of raw emotion. Normally, religiously, I abhor the use of the F word, but today I use it pointedly. If this one blog is the solitary lens by which you view me, you’ve missed the point. I am more than my struggle. More than the use of expletives to demonstrate emotion. I AM a child of God. I struggle with same sex attraction, but try my darndest to make it in a world where I am both maligned and misunderstood. Some will think I have lost my salvation and my mind. Some will cheer. Others will point out the fact that I still struggle with porn to discredit the redemptive work God has done in my life. I am about to go where most Christians never go, but so many Catholics are pleasantly familiar. Welcome, if you dare, to a time of confession.
The question. “Why do you go to porn?”
Because I envy the good-looking guys. I endlessly compare myself to them. Yet I am enticed by them simultaneously. I love the thought of being connected and intimate with another guy. I envy their hair, muscles, masculinity and confidence. I love that they appear to love who they are. I spend many days hating myself. The guys in the movies are fully surrendered and lost to everything. I love that they are surrendered fully to one another, if only for a collective moment. I know that porn is all about fantasy and a false sense of connectedness and intimacy, but these men are fully surrendered, open, honest and naked before one another. Nothing stands between them. That’s why porn is so alluring to a man who has been deprived of legitimate love and relationship with other men his entire life. Guys in porn appear as close as humanly possible, intertwined, committed for a moment.
Take away the sexual aspect of porn and the concept being bastardized is an intimate friendship between two men, comfortable being open, honest, close and connected with one another. Many straight men are afraid to relate, be emotional, share their true feelings or hug without employing the triple pat and release maneuver. They fear being called gay or having their masculinity called into question. This leaves the rest of us, who need healthy touch and connectedness, out in the cold settling for the “crumbs” that fall to the floor.
I know that porn is a caricature of what real relationship between men who love and care for one another as brothers should look like. Jonathan and David demonstrated a healthy connected male friendship. It’s a biblical relationship hijacked by the gay agenda and a relationship that many, straight men live out through the occasional, locker room butt slaps.
A guy at my church, who knows my story intimately endeavored to give me a longer hug than normal the other day. Another guy, standing nearby, asked him if he was thinking of joining the ministry I direct. I run a ministry for men who struggle with same sex attraction. A single, innocent act of refreshing loving-kindness that my heart needed from another man was derailed by the insecurities of an insecure bystander.
I don’t go to porn, because I am a pervert. I am not a pervert, because I go to porn. I don’t go to porn, because I am gay. I go to porn, because it seems that straight men are so fucking scared of truly open, emotional friendships with another man, that I am left to fantasize about what life would be like if the men in the church were open, honest and didn’t give a rip about what the world says. I could kick my porn habit easily. I could give up every false relationship, every nightly, unfulfilling porn session without a second thought. It would mean that church men would have to step up, love unconditionally, give up their position in the Halls of American Male-dom and descend into the caverns of my fear and shame and love me like Jesus. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t care about your penis. When you continually deny me access to your heart, I am relegated to lusting after the loins in my fantasy world.
Now you know what me and every other broken, gay man in the world needs: true, open, honest, realistic, give and take relationship. Will you still be okay avoiding eye contact? Will you continue to shake our hands as your Christian duty, while avoiding, at all costs engaging my heart? Deep down I know you’re just as broken and messed up as me. Yet, I don’t have the desire or the energy to hide my brokenness for one more day.
So I sit here on the outside of your castle walls, begging for scraps; leftovers from your table. There you sit on a throne of your own design: pompous and shallow. You have as great of a need for connection as I do, but I’ve lost the ability to perpetuate the façade covering my pain. Before you utter one, single word of condemnation, I urge you to consider the following statement.
It was my broken heart not my erect penis that led me to this lifestyle for which you feel such disdain.
I refuse to remain silent one more day about the hollow and often hurtful relationships I’ve had with Christian men. Why is it that every post, every confession of my heart is only answered by women or other sexually broken men? If you indeed have it all together, what gives you the right to hold that life giving, life altering treasure ransom?
There is a world of men finding solace in one another’s beds, because men of God refuse to act, pray, or hug. I beg of you to step down from your Ivory Tower of self-righteousness to give me a sip of water in the desert of my dysfunction. The bible says that if we know that we have the ability to do good for someone and we don’t do it, we can count that as sin.
I dare you to love me unashamedly. Better yet, I ask you. Love me. I have a need to be loved. The horrible reality of my circumstance is that I’ll meet that need with or without you. As much as you have led me to fear relationships with you, God has called me into your circles. He has called me to trust you with my desperate, broken heart.
Porn becomes a substitute for the love that you could easily provide. I continue to wait outside the wall of your heart. I am lucky. The others that once stood with me, grew tired of waiting. Bitterness, resentment and loneliness gripped their hearts. They continued down the path in an effort to find solace in the arms of another hurting and broken man, instead of in the gospel and The Jesus that you hold hostage.
I die a slow death every time log on as the delicious poison I look to cure my brokenness slowly eradicates the remaining shreds of hope. You have a cure for what ails me, man of God. If Jesus Christ gave to you so freely, why do you place such a high price on it to offer it to me?
I have long since stopped trying to reach the bar you’ve set too high. I have relegated myself to places where substitutions for love and sexuality quench my thirst for a moment, then leave me dead and dry once again. I beg of you. Step outside, beyond the gates of expectation, societal norms, convention and life as a red blooded American male. I have longed for you to step into my world, so that I could feel confident to begin my safe passage into yours.
Gay men may cast off all restraint in relationship, but you occupy the other end of the spectrum, vaccinated against viral emotions. Let us lay down our weapons, realize we are both broken and need one another. One difference between us is that I know my life depends on it. You have yet to be convinced.
The question remains. “How long can I go on living outside the shadow of your castle?” Better still, “How long will you let me?”
Why We Do What We Do
Over the past few days, Victoria Osteen’s sermonette has been dancing around in my head. I went to bed thinking about the many ways that humans have tried to mold and shape Jesus into the perfectly coiffed, demure, solemn faced pushover portrayed in the 16x20 frames in the Christian bookstore. Different religions have rendered him powerless; nothing more than a figurehead. Gay Christianity and other religious cults have edited and maligned His words to normalize sin and legitimize their disregard of scriptural truths. Common to many people groups is the belief that God just wants us to be happy. Instead of a daily dose of God’s word and the TRUTH that would set them free, they book a reservation on the crazy train and continue down the wide, easy path denoted by Matthew 7:13. It is a path far from Jesus and a road that leads to destruction. I was one of those Christians, angry at God for the direction my life was headed. I was in debt, angry with my boss, unsuccessful in ministry and just downright unhappy. One day I had a meltdown with God on Interstate 4 in Orlando. “Why are you against me? Why is this stuff happening to me? Why do you hate me so much? Why is my life in turmoil right now? I am doing all the right things. Why is everything so hard right now? GOD! Throw me a bone!” God’s response was very simple and very clear. “Why would I spare you trials in this life? I didn’t spare my own son.” There was a pause in my prayer, the tears began to flow and my heart changed. It was a tough pill to swallow. After all, “Didn’t God want me to be happy?” His response went head to head with the pity party I was throwing for myself. A few minutes later, the Holy Spirit calmed me down and God did some corrective surgery on my twisted beliefs. I had been one of those people who mistakenly believed that after I became a Christian, God’s main priority was to give me a happy, worry free life. In that tear filled, angst ridden car ride, I realized that God wasn’t mad at me and he wasn’t rebuking me. He was realigning the thoughts and beliefs that didn’t line up with scripture. God was teaching me mercy and grace; a much different lesson than what I had bought into. What stuck in my craw about Mrs. Osteen’s speech was that the concept that God just wants us to be happy. Jesus’ experience in the Garden of Gethsemane contradicts her sentiment. Matthew 26:36 “Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, ‘Sit here while I go and pray over there.’ 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, ‘My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.’ 39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, ‘O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.’ “ “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful”. Nothing about Jesus’ journey from Gethsemane to Golgotha could ever be described as ‘happy’. It was a predetermined, purpose driven, God ordained journey into hell. For anyone not familiar with the life of Jesus, God called Him to die as a sacrifice for the sins of the world.
Jesus(Innocent man)+ Alone + Crucifixion + Gruesome death = Redemption of Man
Happiness was never a factor in the equation. God was more concerned with Jesus’ obedience. If God’s main concern was our happiness, then Jesus would have been spared the torment of the cross. The preservation of His happiness would have left you and I at the mercy of our sins. In my life, what made me happy for so many years was living a gay life. Living a gay life is contradictory to a life surrendered to the principles of scripture. So often people share the smarmy platitude, “Follow your heart.” Jesus has this to say of the human heart. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man,” Mark 7:21-23. God paints the masterpiece of our lives in hues of discomfort, pain and trials. Just ask Moses, Jonah and David. The things that made them happy often led them away from God’s plan for their lives. How in the world could that ever make God happy? How in the world could shifting the focus off God and onto ourselves be pleasing to God? I am reminded of Jesus’s words. “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him,” John 14:23. Keeping God’s word is what makes God happy. Jesus also reminds us, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.’ “ Getting what makes us happy emotionally is often contrary to what is best for us spiritually. When I worship God, when I thank Jesus for dying for my sins and even when I obey God’s word, I am doing not doing it for myself. I am doing it all to bring glory and honor to God. If I call myself a Christian, I must live as Jesus Christ does. Jesus said, "For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me," John 6:38.
Canine Contemplation
Several years ago, God showed me the perfect picture of ministry, through a very specific dream. The entire dream took place in a grass field, traversed by chain link fences, behind a school. The only other characters in the dream were three, distinct German Shepherds. The first German Shepherd had been beaten within an inch of his life. Bruised and bloodied, he managed to crawl to me and collapsed into a heap in my lap. He was done fighting. He was ready to surrender.
The second German Shepherd was wounded, but some healing had occurred. He was curious, wanted to come over, but he stayed about 20 feet away behind a partial section of fence. Occasionally, he would dart around the fence and over to me, but he would never come close enough for me to reach him. This second dog was barking and anxious the entire time.
A third German Shepherd was just visible beyond the last row of fences. I am not sure if he was wounded as well, but his behavior demonstrated that there was a high level of caution. He never approached, never barked, never moved, until he ran away, disappearing out of sight. I felt like the Holy Spirit was showing me a few descriptive representations of the people I would meet in ministry.
There will be people that resemble the first dog; bruised and beaten by the world and tired of fighting. These are the people ready to surrender to Jesus.
There will people that represented the second dog; people who had been hurt repeatedly, by both saints and sinners, and are wary of people. They still need people, but their scars lead them to believe otherwise. They are reluctant to trust anyone with their heart; desperate to hope again. Like the second dog, they pop in and out of your life unpredictably. Each time they get close they are guarded and highly verbal. The “barking” keeps everyone at bay. It’s a verbal “smoke screen”; a wall of self-protection around their heart. They are simultaneously afraid and angry, yet hopeful.
The third dog represents a greater majority of people. They are only comfortable watching from afar. Physical and emotional distance are their mode of operation. They rarely get close enough or comfortable enough to let anyone to see their wounds. They watch from a safe distance and eventually vanish from the landscape of your life.
Over the past few weeks a couple of these “dogs” have shown up around the Big Fish Ministry house. We were awakened at 344 am one morning, by frantic knocking at the front door a few weeks back. A guy I had talked with a few days prior had been beaten up pretty severely by his drunk boyfriend. We cried, prayed and talked until around 5 am. Two days later, he showed up in tears again, needing ministry. The Holy Spirit led me to wash his feet and anoint them with oil. We talked and prayed and chatted about his next few steps. I really felt he was ready to surrender to God. Then as quick as he showed up, he vanished. I’m realizing that this guy is a bit of a user, but I’m trying to maintain a minister’s heart. He only shows up as a last resort when he needs something. I am fearful for him. If his last encounter with the enemy didn’t serve as a wakeup call, I’m not sure what will. He was guarded and protective the entire time; willing to share his physical wounds, but ever protective of his emotional wounds.
Conversely, another guy I met with recently showed up and immediately began to share openly. A lunch meeting ran from 1 pm to 6:05 pm. The Holy Spirit was all over our conversation as we shared triumphs and defeats, but most of all, the power Jesus had demonstrated in our lives when we surrendered our whole heart to Him.
One of the toughest parts, yet often the most healing part of ministry is sharing the testimony of what Jesus did in my life. Every time someone enters and exits my life, I must constantly remind myself that it’s not me that people are raging against or rejecting, it’s Jesus; His sacrifice for their sin and His plan for their lives.
I don’t always love how people treat me, but I love to help people find Jesus in the midst of their turmoil. It’s never easy, but God has called me and equipped me to minister to the gay and ex-gay community, using my story of redemption. The past 16 years have been a constant series of choices to repeatedly surrender my broken, sexual desires to God. I have played the part of all three of the dogs in my dream, but my current role is as the man in the dream, prepared to minister to so many levels of brokenness. God has called me to be a minister with a heart and a passion modeled after Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…” Father, I give all glory, honor and praise to You. (That’s Christian speak, for ‘God You have my whole heart’.) Father, I have given myself wholeheartedly in an open, honest and naked way to sexual partners in my former life. Thank you for helping me to lead a life, from here on out Father God, where I can present myself to You in the same way: open, honest and naked, wholeheartedly surrendered to You.
If you are reading this and you, too, are struggling with the shame and confusion of same sex attractions as I once did, make the choice today that brings you into the presence of Jesus. If homosexuality has left you hopeless, trust God with your heart, the same way you have trusted mere men with it in the past. Jesus is waiting to hear from you. As long as you have breath in your lungs it isn’t too late. No mistake is too big for God to redeem it.