Viral Seduction
Acts 20:26-31 26 "Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of any of you. 27 For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. 28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. 29 I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30 Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31 So be on your guard!..." I heard a sermon from a pastor in Nashville. He zigzagged around his topic like a redneck running serpentine trying to outrun alligator. With 10-12 minutes left, he affirmed that his church would now extend membership privileges and marriage rights to LGBT attendees. There was a mixture of silence and applause. The sermon can be summarized in one paragraph: “50 minutes from now I’m going to horribly compromise the word of God, taking this congregation in a direction that honors people, not God. We are no longer going to concern ourselves with obedience to God’s word. Instead, we are going to become an all-inclusive social club led by human emotion and unbridled compassion.” Scripture after scripture comes to mind.
Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
For years, I’ve watched friends and mentors wander from the truth of God’s word when it comes to homosexuality. The ebb and flow takes a toll on my heart. It never gets easier to watch, but I’ve grown to expect the falling away. Facebook often bears witness when another “spiritual Titanic” is sinking. The bible even says that if possible in last days that even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived.
I run a ministry to a small cross section of men in the gay community, who find themselves desiring a life surrendered to God and not governed by their SSA. I can understand where this guy in Nashville is coming from. Yet a ministry of all love and grace and no truth, is a false doctrine that leads people astray. A hyper grace centered focus is one factor that helped capsize the ministry of Exodus International. The Nashville Pastor’s approach to marriage and the LGBT community is steeped in worldly value, but skewed biblical truths. A Facebook friend posted the video with this caption: “Happy to call this man my pastor.” My heart winced. The effort to include a “disenfranchised” few, had instantly discredited my story of Jesus’s transforming power. The posting was from an acquaintance who knew my story, but chose to believe a lie. My heart says that people in that body of believers are being cheated out of what Jesus Christ can do when we surrender our broken sexuality to Him. All it takes is one misinformed, misguided pastor speaking out of the recesses of his heart instead of being submitted to the word of God.
Matthew 15:13-14 13 But He answered and said, “Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.”
Gay “christianity” is not an authentic Christian walk. Matthew 15:8-9 8 "These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. 9 And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.” It is a offshoot of Christianity focused more on the acceptance of homosexual sin and those involved in it, rather than focusing on surrendering one’s whole heart to the will of God. Here are some telling quotes from the Gay Christian Network mission statement.
“Through conferences, speaking events, videos, message boards, and more, we’re TRANSFORMING THE CONVERSATION in the church and working to ‘share Christ’s light and love for all.’ ” (Emphasis is mine.)
1 John 5:3 “In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands… “. Despite repeated attempts by gay advocates to “TRANSFORM THE CONVERSATION” and rewrite scripture, God will never change His conversation on sexually immoral behavior. Scripture says that “love for God, is keeping his commandments”. Loving God even means honoring His commandment to abstain from acting out homosexually, not devising ways to reframe the biblical narrative on homosexuality. James 4:4 claims this “…Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” The truth is, God starting laying the foundations of this conversation long before satan’s Public Relations team began retooling it.
I am reminded of Psalm 119:105 “Your WORD is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” As Christians, we are to be led by God’s word, not man’s opinion. Matthew 22:37 “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart…soul…and mind.’ 39 And…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” Verse 39 is deceptively used to ‘preach’ the concept that loving someone unconditionally means universal acceptance of their sinful behavior. Christ loves us, but He doesn’t approve of our sinful behavior.
The Gay Christian movement is strong, as are all attacks of the enemy against God’s plans for humanity. I’m reminded that large gatherings of sinful people isn’t something new; it’s been happening for millennia. However, the size of the crowd is not proportionate to the “rightness” of the cause. It simply bears witness with Matthew 7:13- “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”
I believed for 20+ years that I was born gay. For 16 years, I have allowed Jesus Christ to be the driving force behind my beliefs, rather than my broken sexuality. Authentic Christianity doesn’t’ come with a prefix. Promoting gay “christianity” means making room on the pew for alcoholic Christians, gluttonous Christians and straight, unmarried, sexually active Christians. We all struggle with sin, but when sexual immorality is hybridized with our Christian walk, God is not honored. We must surrender our sexual sin to God for His help, instead of submitting it to God, demanding His approval. Jesus is more into transforming lives than opinions. He says in Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”
Alcoholics can get help for addiction. Overweight people have outlets for weight loss. Yet, satan has worked overtime to normalize the sin of homosexuality. Pastors and churches promoting freedom from homosexuality are vilified in the press. Speak the biblical truth about sexual sin or support any organization teaching freedom from homosexuality and you’ll be attacked and brutalized. Any attempts at a balanced, intellectual dialogue are thwarted with cries of “Anti-gay” and “Hate Speech”.
I make the decision daily not to act on my SSA, the same way that unmarried, heterosexual Christians make the decision not to act on their OSA(opposite sex attractions). If the church said it was okay for straight people to act out on their sexual attractions, someone would call foul. So why is the church making allowances when it comes to the LGBT community?
I prayed for many years for God to remove my same sex desires. He never did. That didn’t mean that He didn’t hear me or that He created me gay. It simply meant that God’s plan of how to deal with my SSA didn’t involve a Holy Spirit zap.
God’s perceived indifference to my modern day prayers does not supersede the cacophonous authority of His holy scripture.
If God had zapped me during those late night, bedside prayer sessions, I do not believe I would have known Jesus as intimately as I do. If someone who struggles with SSA is honest about their early life experiences, common developmental patterns for SSA tend to emerge. In some cases, homosexual desires were, indirectly or directly, nurtured by the individual, friends or family. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character”.
I didn’t choose to have SSA. I did choose to make bad decisions because of those feelings. While no one chooses to have same sex attractions, I do believe that men are created Artistic, Sensitive and Creative. The gift of sensitivity can be man’s greatest gifting or the source of his biggest wounding.
I am thankful that the church I grew up in never preached acceptance of homosexual sin. While I believe that the evangelical church should adhere to biblical standards for all forms of sexual immorality, I think churches should welcome the LGBT community. Where else are they going to find relationship with Jesus and freedom from SSA?
Walking away from homosexuality was one of the most difficult journeys I have ever taken. Ultimately, it was the disappointment and heartache of the gay life and the leading of the Holy Spirit that led me to Jesus. The thought of walking away from homosexuality generated many fears. “I’ll have to go through puberty again.” “I’ll have to wake up every day and tell myself ‘I’m not gay’. ” “I didn’t want to date women.” “I can’t trust God. He made me this way. He ignored my cries for help.” “No one has ever left homosexuality. It isn’t possible.” Thank God, none of that was true. I realized too late, that FEAR was a big part of my belief system. I lived my life believing in an angry, semi powerful God. Boy was I wrong!
One of the reasons homosexuality is so hard to walk away from is that it pervades every area of a person’s life. The defining characteristic of homosexuality is not a simple sex act between a same sex couple, but a level of brokenness so intricate that it forces a person to work desperately to restore some sense of normalcy to the chaos. That was my daily existence for 10 years.
At the end of the day, I don’t support the gay life. After having lived it myself, God demonstrated that homosexuality is not God’s best for anyone. As Christians our identity is defined by our Savior, not our sexual brokenness. In Matthew 7:20-21, the bible says that we will know other believers by the fruit they produce. It also says “not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” The will of the Father calls us to abstain from sexual immorality. Every area of our lives is subject to the will of God.
Romans 14:12 woke me up to reality. “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” God was going to hold me personally responsible for how I lived my life and my response to Jesus’ sacrifice for my sin. After living ten years as a gay man and calling myself a gay Christian, I knew I had answered ‘Yes’ to sin and ‘No’ to Jesus Christ.
Contrary to popular belief, Jesus spoke out against all forms of sexual immorality, homosexuality included. The bible never classified homosexuality separately than other forms of sexual immorality. You can credit modern day gay advocates for that. Jesus addressed sexual immorality in general in Matthew 15: 19, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person…”. Sexual immorality, homosexuality included, defiles a person. That is pretty clear.
I wholeheartedly agree that the church hasn’t been kind to the LGBT community. However, over sympathizing as a means of correcting the wrongs of the past fosters a grotesque wave of hyper-sensitivity, where rather than bringing truth and grace simultaneously to the wounded, we bow to their every whim.
In the wrong hands, Love becomes a virus rather than a vaccine.
Pray. They Need Jesus
We all do it. We make up our mind then build a case to support the decision we’ve already made. New car smell is an aphrodisiac to a 20 something guy as fresh, baked cookies are to the 40 something guy. After we get what we want, we realize the thrill of the chase rather than the actual thing was what excited us. Let’s look at Lust vs. Joy. Joy is finding pleasure in things that God provides. Joy waits and trusts for God’s provision. Lust is the fast food, synthetic version of Joy. Lust comes about when we attempt to recreate joy for ourselves. “I want it right now.” “I have to have it.” “I’ll die of I don’t…”. It’s the difference between waiting for sex after marriage or casual sex. It’s the difference between letting God heal your wounds or self-medicating for immediate relief.
Lust was the order of the day for so long in my life. I fell for satan’s traps, because they looked good and they were easier to achieve. Salvation is a free gift, but maturity, breaking bad habits and living a Holy life all take time. The cost is high. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character.” When we do the right thing, it will cost us the friends and friends with benefits we hold close. It will cost us emotionally and financially. The bible says before we attempt anything, we should sit down and count the cost. It also says we will be persecuted for pursuing a pure and holy life. Jesus was. God did not spare his only son. He will not spare us.
I started reading Job two days ago. There’s a case study in persecution. Biblically, persecution is an integral part of the Christian walk. Knowing this, I cringe when I hear hurting people ask questions like, “How could God let this happen?” or they make statements like “I know God doesn’t want me to suffer.” These are feel good statements, not biblical truths. Scripture says that God isn’t willing that any man should perish, that is why He sent His son Jesus. God is not concerned with our happiness and comfort. If He was, Jonah woulda got a Jetski, Lazarus wouldn’t have died and the woman caught in adultery woulda got an “Atta Girl” and not a “Sin no more”. God’s express concerns are that we know His son and that we love others as we love ourselves. Love is all encompassing concern for the well being of those we care about and those heading towards death. Love is not a “Golden Ticket”, free for all, where we step aside and let sin run it’s course.
The events of the last couple of days are saddening, not surprising. Exodus International closing it’s doors, the DOMA was defeated and California reinstating gay marriage. God isn’t surprised, either. If one of His main concerns is that we know Jesus, then everything else we put our hope in will be stripped away, as God leads us to Jesus. People have been crying out for gay marriage, for years and now they have it. I see it like every other thing we desperately pursue in life. Fulfillment will come for a moment, but eventually people will still have a void in their hearts. They will look for the next thing. Eventually, all roads lead to Jesus Christ, whether we are dead or alive. He is the only one that can quell the aching of our hearts. The void is there to draw us into the presence of God, where true fulfillment lives.
It’s time to stop erecting borders and start building bridges. And way past time to pray diligently, for individuals in your life who are gay or marrying their partners. People who don’t encounter Jesus spend their lives searching for something to make them happy. Let your prayers be lifted to heaven today for your friends and family who are gay. Pray for God’s will in their lives, not their “straightness.” All the other sinners in your life need prayer, too. Hopefully there is another blog for them. God is in the business of redemption. Many of us have walked away from homosexuality. We are not the stuff of legend. The media circus does not speak for us when they say you can’t change your sexuality. We cling to the hope of Jesus Christ for all men and women who want freedom from homosexuality. We profess that Freedom, truly is possible.
The Father's Call
My life as a little boy was always spent on the run, guarding myself from hurt. I grew up with three very strong personalities: mom, dad and my brother. I spent a lot of time alone, being quiet and constructing a private world where I felt safe. Mom was the smotherer. Dad was the strict disciplinarian. Brother was unpredictable and generated fear in me at every turn. When I finally left my childhood home, there was a lot of living and a lot of conversation to catch up on.
As I have said before, I don’t believe anyone is born gay. I believe boys are born “Sensitive, Artistic and Creative”. This exposes them to pain and hurt. They have their emotions crushed very easily and are then susceptible to the lies of the enemy that says they were born different. Eventually, through small developmental steps, these boys are led to believe they are “born gay.” The seeds planted in my heart as young man were nourished by feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I grew up to be a fearful adult, confused and very comfortable being alone. There was a lot of pain to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. A therapist once described the homosexual side of my life as my minds way of coming up with an entirely different lifestyle to manage my pain.
I didn’t have much a relationship with my father until I was about 27. I had distanced myself from my father at an early age. He scared me. He wasn’t as sweet and nice as mom. He made us attend church and was a lot less emotional than. We clashed…a lot. Many boys who develop homosexual tendencies suffer from that same disconnect with dad at an early age. My disconnect left me with feelings of being lost and bewildered. I spent the rest of my life looking for a father figure or another man to love me and give me a sense of value.
When I returned to Jesus at the close of 1998, God restored my relationship with my father. It wasn’t immediately perfect. It took a lot of willingness and work. There were emotional bumps and bruises. We both had to lovingly forgive each other. I let satan drive a wedge in between my father and I for far too long. Through my own stubbornness, I let satan led me into homosexuality, cheat me out of a relationship with my father and then convince me that my father didn’t love me. I learned to serve God by watching my father serve others. I remembered his stories of being led by the Holy Spirit to stop by people’s houses and share the gospel. My dad was my first spiritual hero. He was the one that paved the way to the gospel, even as I was telling him I could care less. He would often pray in the living room of my childhood home until 3 am for my brother and I. He lifted my name up to God until I was ready to call on the name of God myself. One of my greatest hopes for young gay men who struggle with homosexuality today is that they have praying fathers. I pray for restoration with their fathers. I pray that restoration leads them into relationship with their heavenly father.
No matter how full of holes my relationship with my dad is, his words will always help restore me when the world attacks me with theirs. Our heavenly Father’s words have that same healing power my friends. God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that there is no place that you can go that is beyond his reach. There is freedom from homosexuality. I celebrate it daily. Don’t let the lies of the enemy determine your fate. God has a purpose and a plan for you beyond the scope of homosexuality.
In the next few weeks, I will be stepping into full time ministry. My plan is to share Jesus Christ and the truth about homosexuality with as many as will listen. My father has been walking this journey with me. Dad called today to tell me that I was courageous. He said I was courageous for going against the grain and quitting my job to reach the gay community with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have waited my whole life for those powerful words of affirmation from him. What an amazing day! He shared the following scriptures with me as well. Yay God!
Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread.”
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.”
Endless Search?
Back in the day I dated a lot of guys searching for Mr. Right. Mr. Wrong showed up a lot more often. Yes I said “searching for ‘Mr. Right’ ”. Biblically controversial, but my reality. I grew up starved for healthy, male affection. My relationships with men brought pain and disappointment. At the beginning of my gay life, sex was never the goal. I wanted guy friends to love and value me. I found acceptance from gay men I hadn’t experienced with other guys. The only trouble I experienced in my dating relationships with men was the inherent imbalance. God designed men with sex drive and women with emotional drive thereby establishing balance in relationships. With two men in a relationship, the sex drive is doubled. I didn’t set out to be promiscuous, but with guys the sexual tension over road the balance. The search for value led me down a dark path. My moral convictions faded with each passing relationship.
There was one guy who loved me as best he could. God didn’t ordain our relationship, but being monogamous for a year kept me safe from other sexual exploits. The relationship was doomed from the start. I was trying to be gay and Christian. He was extremely intelligent and an atheist. I knew our relationship was wrong in God’s eyes. He “knew” the church hated “us”. I felt guilty about sex. He didn’t. He was more sexually adventurous than me. I found myself pulled into more explicit forms of sexual expression. My need for value was overshadowed by more carnal desires.
He used to grab and hold my penis the way a couple might hold hands. It was awkward. I felt like my penis was the most important part of me. I wondered, “Does he love me or does he just want sex?” When I said that it bothered me, he got offended. He put the blame back on me. I honestly think he felt judged. Looking back, I see his point. The grabbing was way less sexual than the rest of our lives. I was like a “bank robber” caught holding a duffle full of cash, accusing my partner in crime of being a thief.
Later I proposed we remain celibate for our commitment ceremony. I wanted to be “pure” before God. My thought process: “If gay is the only thing that God sees wrong with me, He’s wrong. He made me gay. He has to let me into heaven if I apply biblical principles for marriage to my gay relationship. I didn't chose gay. God didn't take it away. I ‘followed’ His rules.” Needless to say, my partner didn’t share my beliefs. He broke up with me. “Was sex more important to him than me?” “Were my doubts confirmed?” That night, he apologized and we continued dating, but broke up for good a few months later. There was no reconciling my Christian faith, his atheism, and our relationship.
I felt like more of a possession than a person in my relationships with men. Sex was most often the focal point. satan kept me bound by offering just enough table scraps to keep me hungry and weak, but interested. satan always offers a substitute for God’s plan. My friends, no guy will ever treat you with as much care, as Jesus Christ. Men may want your body. Jesus wants your heart. My relationship with Jesus, led me to discover the truth about my homosexual desires. He also led me to some amazing men of God. My search for value will only end at the Cross-if I choose to let it. Jesus asks that I surrender my old life to Him; in exchange for a new one.
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Power Struggle
A friend of mine, who happens to be gay, asked me the following question. “Why do some gay men obsess over female celebrities?” I pondered for a moment. Then I gave him a multi-layered answer spanning the course of many years. Just like homosexual desires can’t adequately be addressed with “I was born this way”, the reason some gay men focus heavily on powerful or influential women has its complexities. Picture it, Oklahoma, the 70’s. My family dynamic was hopelessly askew. Growing up in the Walker household, Hazel, not Jack, was in charge. Dad was the disciplinarian, but mom orchestrated our lives. My mom struggled with bi-polar disorder. She ruled with screams, tears or silence. My brother and I gravitated to opposite parents. I was my mom’s son and thus learned how to be a human by watching her. My mom’s maiden name was Williams. William’s women were a force to be reckoned with. Developmental Math Equation: Sensitive male child + A strong woman = Emasculated, little boy. Words synonymous with emasculated: powerless, helpless, impotent, weakened, feeble and ineffectual.
Dad was powerless to stop mom’s hurtful words and actions. He said it was easier to surrender me to my mom, than to fight for me. His words brought with them a great sadness. The enemy told me a thousand lies a minute. “You must have done something wrong to make your dad not love you.” I spent my entire life wondering if I even mattered. Suddenly it made sense why I looked for acknowledgement in the eyes of every man I walked past. I was silently screaming, “Isn’t there any man out there who would simply love me?” I wasn’t looking for sex. I was looking for acceptance, value and my identity as a man. I wasn’t been “born gay”. My damage was the aftermarket result of a lifetime of neglect and abandonment. I saw my dad as passive. Women bulldoze passive men. I don’t want to be a man like dad. I feel different than other men. I don’t identify with men at all.
Mom was in control and I was her favorite. I didn’t always like her methods, but I liked her results. I grew up feeling weak, shy and inadequate in her shadow. I saw dad the same way. Mom was the exact opposite. My close proximity to her, allowed me to mimic her habits. I manipulated people to get what I wanted. Under mom’s wing, I was protected from my father. Mom lavished her love and affection on me. She confided in me. For a long time, I was her source of emotional support. It became a way of life for me. Yet, not even I was safe from her occasional manic outbursts. It was like standing in the flames of hell and hoping for an occasional glimpse of heaven. After 18 years of having my voice silenced, I perceived women to be more powerful than men. I identified more with women, than I ever did with men. No one challenged them. They were strong, courageous and bold. I envied their “power” and saw it as the means necessary to breakthrough my feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness to become a person people respected.
I once shared one of my journal entries with my friend Kathy. I wrote, “I wish I could sing like Whitney Houston.” I was embarrassed, but we had a good laugh. Whitney embodied some of the same characteristics I saw in my mom: Strength, Boldness, Independence and Power. I idolized Whitney, not because I was gay, but because early childhood development shaped who I looked to for direction. Other childhood heroes included Wonder Woman, Samantha from Bewitched, The Designing Women, The Golden Girls and Madonna. Laugh if you will, but they were strong, powerful people who confidently took care of themselves. If my childhood taught me anything, it was the need to take care of myself. No one else was going to do it. Ultimately, my journey out of anonymity in search of purpose came from a very broken place, not from a genetics textbook. I looked a lot of places for answers, before I ever turned to Jesus, but eventually I surrendered my life to Him.
My answer to my friend’s question? A lot of sensitive boys raised by strong women, are subject to my same disillusions. They possibly suffered a disconnection with dad or dad was absent and mom instinctively “took the helm of the ship”. Therefore the model for a young boy to emulate becomes mom, not dad. A lot of gay men’s lives mirrored mine. The world is a broken place and we’ll find our value in persons, places and things. Men who struggle with homosexuality often end up being people pleasers or over achievers. I think it arises out of a need to add meaning and value to our lives. The broken relationships of our past set us up for failure with rudimentary social skills. We find ourselves using any means necessary to get and keep friends in our lives. No life will endure being pushed aside and forgotten for long. Something’s gotta give. Most people want to feel special, to be heard and to know that they matter. I’ve found that people will take any avenue necessary to make that happen.
I think it's always necessary to bring it back to scripture. James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
The following book brought hope help and healing to me. “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: When a parent’s love rules your life”- by Dr. Patricia Love.
(A disclaimer. I don’t doubt for a second that my mother loved me and did the best she could with the limited tools in her “toolkit”. However, replicated brokenness is still brokenness. If you are a mom like mine, don’t take this a rebuke. Take it as a second chance to do right by your son and yourself. It’s the best way to help mend his broken sexuality and your broken heart.)
Porn and Ice Cream
I have treated God like a cosmic “cash machine” most of my life. Over the past few months I have been encouraged to begin to thank God and worship Him in ways that I never have. It’s been a real challenge to pray out of reverence and worship to God, instead of standing before Him presenting my list of demands and then scampering off like a woodland sprite, to go about my day. I ask a lot of God. The bible even says that we should ask things of God and make requests. Understanding more about God is helping me to change my daily prayers. It was difficult at first. I would pray and begin to thank God for what he had done in my life. I thanked Him for everything that He had done or was doing, but rarely did I ever take time to thank Him for just being His awesome, amazing, creator type self. I never struggle with something to say, yet I was stumped when I tried to honor God in my prayers. I would pray for 30 seconds and my mind would go blank; a thousand other thoughts would come to the forefront of my mind. It was horrible. I felt like the worst Christian ever. I wondered- ‘if God had never done anything for me, would I still honor Him or just stop speaking to Him at all?’ So this morning, frustrated and desperately aware that I needed to worship and honor my God for who He is, I sat down with my journal and I began to write. It was difficult at first. My thoughts were racing. ‘Is one page enough?’ ‘If I write two pages, that seems like a waste of journal space and my time?’ ‘I only have a few more thoughts, should I “waste” an entire page for one sentence?’ I was acutely aware that one of the reasons I failed to acknowledge God for who He was, was that at some point in time I had relegated him to a small, programmed portion of my day. WOW! As a Christian who professes to love Jesus, I found that personally shaming. God is supposed to be my ‘everything’. Jesus gave up His very life so that I could choose if I wanted to include Him in mine. Or not. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I want to share what I wrote to my God this morning. I would also love to hear your prayers of worship if you have them. This is an area that I will never stop growing in and I need to know how others do it. I fall so short of honoring my God for who He is.
My prayer- God you have orchestrated a major change in my life. You are all powerful. You are awesome God. I am nothing, but a big, ball of schemes without you. I trust you Lord. Let your heart be known in my life. You led my father to you Lord. You called to him and changed his life, thus altering mine. Thank you Lord. You are God. Incomprehensible. Unfathomable. You deserve our full attention. I want to learn to love you as much as I loved porn or ice cream. I don't want to love your creation more than I love you God. I want to love and appreciate you. Reveal yourself to me. You provide, you create, you reveal. You do these things, because you love us. Out of your infinite love and knowledge you orchestrate our lives. Nothing is beyond your grasp or your site or your ability to prevent. You are God and I am not. You are God.
Thank you for the deliverance of the gay community. God, thank you. I can’t imagine how big You really are. Thank you for making earth and for letting me be a part of it. You’re awesome. You’re the only one that is. Father, You’re amazing. You have life-giving hands. You provide all our needs even as we fight against You. I don’t have that many days left in the grand scheme of things. You are the author of those days. Thank You father. You deliver me, daily. No other deserves my reference. Jesus I cry when I get a cut or a scratch. You suffered immeasurable pain for me. There is nothing I will ever do to deserve what You did for me. I can never repay you. I can never accomplish anything greater. I can never love You to the degree that You loved me. “While we were yet sinners”, You died for us. You prepared a walking path to heaven that some of us will never take. Holy Spirit, thank You for comfort on cold nights. Lonely nights. Nights of debate. Thank You for protection in the silent hours of the night when I am defenseless against the enemy and the world. Holy Spirit, thank You for Your resurrection power that brought Jesus back to life. Lord in Your presence I am protected and healed and led into a holy place.
Thank You for Your holy fire that burns away every aspect of sin and every manifestation of brokenness in my life. Forgive me for doubting. I want to know more about You Lord. I love You Lord. Not for what You do and did but for who You are. You are the ultimate painter, sculptor, builder, creator, father, architect, brother, lover, companion, disciplinarian, etc. . It’s You I want and seek when I look for fulfillment in everything else. Lord help me worship You better, more, longer and more unashamedly. I have lived according to the norms of this world far too long. You are my God. I am so tiny in reference to You. You could crush me, but You are patient and loving, even when I use my hurt and disappointment as a shield against You. Thank You father for a great body of believers that surround me. I envision You standing there holding the universe in your hands, yet holding my life carefully as well. Jesus there are no words to say thank you enough so I will do my best to say it with my life.
I will not be silent or ashamed or afraid of this world. Thank you Jesus for your life lived in service to others. A perfect life. A perfect example. You are my brother who laid down his life for me. You did it all even as you knew I’d live a life of rebellion. Father God, thank You for Your role in all of our lives. We have no idea how awesome You are, or our lives would reflect it. God it was Your divine hand that protected me in my wild days. It is Your divine hand that still protects, loves and guides. I love my parents simply, because that’s what I grew to know. They fought for me at all costs. It wasn’t hard to love them in the end. We had a history together that showed me that I could trust them, even in their imperfect ways. How much more should I learn to love You God?
God, You are perfect. I’ve learned that even when I thought I couldn’t trust You, it was I who was wrong. Our history together shows me You can be trusted, but I don’t want to simply trust You. I want to love You, respect You, honor You and surrender to You. I am nothing Lord without You. I want to know Your love infinitely more than I do right now. I am tired of living as a stranger in Your mansion catching only glimpses of You ever so often as I wander the halls. You are my Father. I want to know You as such. I want to love You for who You are, not for anything You’ve done for me. My understanding of You is severely limited by the fears that have grown out of my history on this broken planet. Give me greater vision Lord as only You can do. You are worthy Lord of our reverence and respect. Thank You Father God. There are not enough words Lord to express my gratitude. I can’t comprehend or imagine what a day in my life looks like through Your eyes. You are awesome! Thank You Lord. --Amen
Divine Design or Secular Opinion.
As I pondered the events of yesterday's equality debates, I remembered my personal history with the gay marriage debate. In 1995 I was planning a commitment ceremony of my own with my partner. Gay marriage at that point was a rarity. My father was the only voice of Christian reason at that point. He counseled me not to go through with the ceremony as it wasn't in God's plan for me. At that very moment and for subsequent years after, I hated my father and labelled him ignorant. I couldn't see his point of view. It didn't make sense to me, because I was immersed and literally encapsulated in my sin. Years later, I applaud my father for having the guts to represent Jesus to me, while everyone else represented "love" and acceptance, thus signing my spiritual death certificate. The scripture that comes to mind is "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Proverbs 27:5, 6 NIV)As I see the red equals sign of solidarity go up all over Facebook, I am shocked by some people and not surprised by others. It saddens me for many reasons. I understand the pull of homosexuality all too well. I understand how it can seem genetic, because we've been conditioned as young boys by a society tainted with gay ideals. They force the ideal that we are to identify those feelings of being different than other boys to mean we are gay. I believe gay men were born sensitive, artistic and creative and then environmental and developmental factors further alienated these boys to take on a gay identity. Proverbs describes the gay life and the belief that it is genetic best. "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12 NIV). First, I want to be like Jesus to my gay community. He identified all forms of sexual expression outside the union of a man and a woman as sin. Jesus offers forgiveness and deliverance of sin. Second I want to be like my dad, who in the face of losing my respect, told me the truth of God's word. I'm not someone who was casually gay. I'm not in denial. I'm not wracked with self hatred. I have been delivered from homosexuality and its many promises of "freedom". I know the truth now. I knew it all along. It just took me a while to act. I know that gay marriage is more of a gateway to bondage than a gateway to freedom and equality. I can't "love" my gay friends like the rest of the world, because I have experienced the pitfalls that kind of "freedom" brings. I believe in equality for all people, but I won't stand by preserving my popularity,while good people stumble into satan's trap. "The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble. (Proverbs 4:18, 19 NIV). I have to stand before God and account for my action or inaction. You don't get in the water and console a drowning victim until they perish, so as not to offend them by saying they can't swim. You perform a rescue. There are people in the gay community in need of prayer and rescue, not mind boggling, sin enabling "love". And remember Christians, know your enemy. It's satan. Not the gay community.
Porn Star Eviction
On January 1st I published a blog called “Risky Business”. I shared MY 35 year pornography addiction. It’s two months later and things are going well. Is my addiction gone? Am I temptation free? Well…it’s complicated. As long as I am alive I will struggle with something. Pride and Anger have yet to ride off into the distance of my emotional landscape. I have enjoyed a couple months of freedom from pornography and masturbation. My addiction has been surrendered to Christ, but satan still tempts me with aspects of SSA that have very little to do with sex and more to do with satan attacking the very foundation of masculinity in my life. My saving grace has been consistent, daily bible reading and prayer. Yeah, who knew? Long gone are the sad pitiful “end of the day”, after you brush your teeth, right before you fall asleep “devotions” of my past. This was time set aside specifically for God. After all, some days I gave porn 4-6 hours. Why not give God a few moments in my day. Every bible teacher, mentor and Christian friend I have ever known has told me to read the word. I heard them, but I never HEARD them. I began to see my need to for daily interactions with God’s word. I would never miss a physical meal, yet my spiritual man was starved and frail from lack of nourishment. God finally allowed me to experience the weight of my sin.
Matthew 5:28 “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Cue the ‘punch to the gut’. This verse haunted me. I left homosexuality behind 13 years ago. Exactly 3 years more than I lived as a gay man. Yet, every time I masturbated to pornographic images, I had committed adultery in God’s eyes. I could be okay with that and call myself a Christian. The world says that pornography hurts no one. I don’t live according to popular opinion. My God calls it adultery. Therefore, we had a problem. I shared my problem to bring my own darkness into the light. It was an act of obedience to God rather than a confession.com moment.
Hebrews 4:13 “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
Psalm 32:3 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
After writing Risky Business, something broke in my spirit. That level of confession catapulted me to a new level in my Christian walk. I didn’t care who read my words. God is responsible for my promotion and livelihood, not man. I needed to be the kind of pastor that stands before my students and my enemies honest, open and blameless, willing to admit my struggles, before they become everyone else’s stumbling block.
Are you stuck in a downward spiral my friend? No matter your sexuality, do you live a secret life in porn? Jesus can indeed break your chains and bring peace and freedom to areas of your life that seem hopeless. The bible says that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. I believe that has dual meanings. If you are a Christian living under constant condemnation from the enemy, free yourself today. Confess your faults to a pastor, a Christian counselor or a Christian friend. Don’t let the enemy steal one more moment of the life that God designed for you and Him.