Conversations at the Diner
On our way to our friend Amy's house to celebrate Thanksgiving, we stopped by a diner I have been eyeing for awhile now. My friends eat way healthier than me. Well, except for Ethan. He believes that McDonald's forms the base of the food pyramid. Anyway, I convinced, aka begged, them to stop and have dinner. They relented and we stopped. We are a friendly bunch and can basically talk to anyone about anything. The sign at the front invited us to seat ourselves; so we did. Our first waitress was quickly displaced by a second, feistier one. The new waitress was 3 inches shorter than your average kindergartner. Upon asking what she recommended, her tiny fingers danced about the menu faster than Hillary Clinton can hit the delete button after checking a classified email. The guys decided on a few of her recommendations, but I broke rank, deciding instead to go with liver and onions and green beans. This selection produced a gnarly scowl from our waitresses once smiling face. She placed our orders, returned to the table and the witty banter ensued. At some point, she received a text from a very, needy 16 year-old boy that we were informed was just one of 10 potential suitors.
The laughing and joking subsided a bit when she commented to Ethan that he must have a lot of boyfriends. Say what? We all heard it, laughed nervously and chose to brush it aside, but later on she broached the subject again, this time with all of us. She asked if any of us had boyfriends. I quickly said, I hadn't had a boyfriend for 18 years, since I left homosexuality behind. The scowl returned to her face, this time accompanied by a brow so furrowed it would have stifled even Joyce Meyers' plastic surgeon. She asked Ethan and Samuel if they had left homosexuality, too.
At this point I produced a business card so she could research Big Fish Ministry a bit. Ethan also produced a card for Revelation 12:11, his ministry. She asked about the card. I told her it would take her to my blog. It might help answer the questions her scrunched up face said she might have. She asked a few more questions like: "Have you stopped liking boys?" and "Have you started liking girls yet?" I explained how homosexuality developed in my life and she mumbled something and flitted off, never to return. It wasn't our goal to rock her world, but we had triggered an emotional "earthquake" of epic proportion.
Never being one to let an interaction like this go, I began to analyze and dissect the interaction. Questions ran wild in my mind: "Did we freak her out?", "Why was she more interested in chatting when she thought we were gay?", "Why hasn't the world heard stories like ours?", "What do we need to do in order share our testimonies on broader scope?"
The truth is, testimonies like ours are uncomfortable and odd. Churches steer clear of letting us share for fear of offending people. Heck, even at Donald Miller's Storyline Conference I just attended, a gay pastor was allowed to share his coming out story. When I questioned the conference organizer if the narrative of my story would be welcome, all I received was silence. More often than not, when we try to share our testimonies they are met with resistance. The world has been conditioned to accept and protect sin rather than taught to recognize sin in it's many forms according to scripture.
Knowledgeable, compassionate Christians and devout Christian men and women who have walked away from homosexuality should be establishing the churches dialogue on sex and sexuality. Justin Lee and Matthew Vines, two prominent false prophets of the gay Christian movement, should be called to repent by the Christian church at large, rather than having their twisted versions of the bible accepted into mainstream church culture. Satan is working through these men. The same way that satan comes as an angel of light, these smooth talkers are weaving a web of deception leading many churches into a "reformation" movement that will ultimately destroy and split the church.
As I sat there in those moments after our waitress left, I knew a few things very clearly. The course of my life and that of other men and women who have left homosexuality behind, is not determined by our attractions, past or present. The course of our lives is determined daily by our sacrifice to Jesus Christ. Also the fact that we believe God's word as it relates to homosexual sin. We lead lives as attacked by the gay community as the gay community believes the church attacks them. After 17 years of saying Yes to God and no to my homosexual desires, I can honestly say that my life and times are very different than they were when I took those first few trepidatious steps out of homosexuality and into God's arms.
God spoke a promise over me many years ago. It involved continually having one person after another say they felt like God wanted them to share Isaiah 61:1 with me. “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;” It was written as prophecy about Jesus and I am nowhere near Jesus status when it comes to this life. But, I know that God allowed all my hurts, hangups and struggles in life for such a time as this.
In the process of redeeming my life, God's Holy Spirit is working through me and He has anointed me to bring good news to those trapped in the same sin that held me captive for so many years. God has sent me to heal the brokenhearted with the good news and truth of the gospel to those who are willing to hear and contend with it. God has challenged me to proclaim freedom for those trapped in any kind of sinful pattern. He has given me authority to march into prisons of sexual sin everywhere that satan serves as warden, judge, jury and chief medical officer to release those bound up in the seductive poison of homosexual sin. I will live up to this calling and endure whatever persecution necessary to ensure that men who struggle with homosexuality hear the life giving word of the gospel.
This blog may not be popular with too many, but I choose to live according to my calling. Galatians 1:10 says “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.” Our greatest calling is to dispense grace and truth to those living without Jesus in equal measure. Our directives do not come from the vast, stifling, politically correct, worldly rhetoric of today's sin friendly culture, but from every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. The kind, deceptive pill of love the world serves will only prolong a person's agony until they die and enter eternity without God. If it is presented boldly and compassionately, the gospel is the only tool that will forever change and save the hearts of mankind.
Satan Attacks Gender and Marriage
I am not one to don the mask of 'Everything is JUST Fine,' as many in the church world do today. These last few months of ministry have been a real struggle. Finances are consistently tight. As God shapes and molds my character, the stretching heralds the beginning of a new season. I must continually remind myself that no matter how far the world slips away from Jesus, I made a commitment many years ago to be led by scripture and not by my feelings or my homosexual desires. As a rule, I keep an ear to the ground of the gay political scene. Recently, I saw an interesting quote from a gay activist. The quote was in response Kim Davis' incarceration. It read simply, "Don't they know that WE have redefined marriage." To some that may sound progressive and past due. To others, this may signal the coming Apocalypse. To me it demonstrates another example of our spiritual ignorance of God's ways. Man can redefine and has redefined just about every spiritual principle set forth in the bible. That doesn't mean that God has changed His mind. It simply means that us broken humans are getting better at disguising our sin with fancy rhetoric and political correctness. Man may have redefined marriage, but God hasn't and never will. Marriage was set forth by God way back in Genesis as the model of marriage relationships which are between a man and a woman. When God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, He created Eve as a complement to Adam. That was God's original design and throughout scripture He never saw fit to redefine the marriage covenant, because it was His perfect design. Man is responsible for redefining marriage long before now with divorce, adultery and polygamy. Gay marriage is not the only attack on marriage, it's simply the latest way that broken man has seen fit to alter God's original design. Bruce Jenner is not the Anti-Christ bent on redefining gender for all. He is simply the latest prominent face of man’s brokenness apart from Jesus and a small part of satan's all out attack on gender as God established us male and female in Genesis. Every foundational principle set forth in Genesis is under attack. Satan is trying to change the future by destroying the very foundation of Christian faith as set forth by God at creation. I walked away from homosexuality in 1998. It wasn't that long ago, but it was a simpler time. It was easier to share the testimony of leaving my gay life behind, without experiencing out and out hate from the gay community and Christians. In 1998, Christians weren't as deceived as they are today regarding homosexuality. What I find especially troubling is that the gay community thinks that with each legislative stroke of the pen they are winning victory after victory for equal rights. I have to ask, is it really a victory if God and His word are steadily erased from our lives altogether? If you are here looking for hope that there is freedom from homosexuality, then you have come to the right place. My story and others like it may not be welcome in the mainstream media, but God is still letting people hear our voices on blogs, websites and church stages who still preach and believe the word of God. Homosexuality was never my identity. My identity is in Jesus Christ. The only thing that needs redefining are broken lives with self and not Jesus as the focus.
I am encouraged by recent events of young people realizing that a gay life is a life of deception and sin. I recently had a conversation with a young gay man who says he is a Christian. He says he defines his life like this. He is gay until further notice. If God wants to do something about his sexuality, then God will. Gay until further notice is a statement of hope, because God is in the business of redeeming lives caught in the vortex of sin. God is not willing that any man should perish. I truly believe that God is ready and willing to redeem a gay identified generation from the clutches of sexual brokenness.
I love that we are a ministry that prays for the gay and ex-gay community. I love that God leads men to question not redefine broken sexuality every day. Thank you for praying with us as a ministry. Thank you for caring for your gay children and loved ones enough not to leave them in the hands of the enemy, but to go to battle in prayer for their redemption and release.
Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.
The smoke from the SCOTUS is clearing, our Women’s soccer team has World Cup status and the White House is white again. Will life here ever be the same? I wrote my blog about the SCOTUS verdict and went back to doing ministry. I run a pretty non-political ministry to men who desire to walk away from their gay lives. We don’t picket with Westboro or hang out at gay pride parades apologizing for every misspoken, misinterpreted word the church has uttered since the dawn of man. We answer phones and emails and pray for people in the gay community to have a personal encounter with Jesus. At Big Fish Ministry, we’ve decided to serve the gay community by storming the coffee shops not the courthouses.
I attend Illuminate Church. This past Sunday, Pastor Ed preached on Peace. It wasn’t a feel good message, but it was freakin’ awesome. I found myself under the same, moral microscope many Christians use on the rest of the world. Lately, God has been leading me to change my approach to the conversation of homosexuality. He is challenging me to enter the discussion at a different level than the world expects from Christians; promoting a dialogue of redemption, rather than accusation. Pastor Ed’s message confirmed God’s leading. “If you can’t bring peace to a situation,” he said, “then maybe you should take yourself out of the situation.” Thumper, of Disney’s Bambi has this to say: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” A paraphrase of author and speaker Bob Hamp says ‘we need to be thoughtful before adding our voice to the noise.’ As Christians what we say about homosexual sin may be 100% scripturally true, but sharing the message like 100% Jerks, allows our bad attitude, not the love of Jesus, to be what people remember.
Growing up, I was “the good son”; the rule follower. I often did “the right thing” to avoid punishment and gain praise, rather than to simply be obedient. I was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. This skewed obedience gave rise to a “holier than thou” attitude. I secretly resented the rules, but I was afraid to break them. I developed a jealousy and resentment for the “rule breaker” closest to me, my brother. My desire to partake in adventure with the rule breakers was far outweighed by the expectation to “follow the rules”. Later in life, my allegiance to “rightness” would cause me to erect impenetrable walls of scriptural TRUTH between those lost in sin and God’s GRACE. I see now that my “good” intentions served to keep people from Jesus rather than lead them to Him. God often reminds of this: God’s grace was the lens through which I first glimpsed the truth of Jesus love for me.
Someone once said that Truth and Grace are like the wings of a bird. Acting in tandem they take the bird to the highest heights. Take one away and the bird will never leave the ground.
A friend who wasn’t particularly pleased with my calm response to the legalization of gay marriage frantically posed the question, “What if the government tries to shutdown your ministry and tells you that you can’t say that homosexuality is a sin.” My answer was simple.
“I guess I’ll just tell people about Jesus then. And when that is deemed illegal, I’ll start a prison ministry.” My answer, tinged with sarcasm and truth, is devoid of panic and steeped in reality. If you stick your hand in a piranha’s mouth and are surprised when they bite you, that isn’t the piranha’s fault pumpkin. God is not surprised that “the lost” are acting…well…lost. We shouldn’t be either. What we should be doing is preparing for the day when everything our unsaved friends have turned to for answers, denies them the rapture they seek. If we have loved them well, they’ll be more apt to listen to the truth about Jesus, than if we had tried to force feed them “God” when their appetite was for something a little more devilish.
I could let every bad political decision turn me into that red-faced, angry guy with the veiny forehead, and bad attitude. Will that ever communicate the heart of Jesus? Jesus washed the disciple’s feet. Peter cut off a man’s ear with his sword. What is a better way to further God’s kingdom: humbly serving or wielding a sword?
One of my neighbor’s yards was looking a little Oscar the Grouch-ish: green, disheveled and angry. She was going through “SOME STUFF”. I texted, to see if we could mow her lawn. She said “Yes”. When she answered her door, gratitude and exhaustion were equally palpable. “These other neighbors should be ashamed of themselves. You’re the first one who has even bothered to call in six months.” Some people had called the HOA and Code Enforcement to report her unkempt yard. Not one neighbor had called to check on her. Instead of choosing to serve, they chose to wield their swords to insure her compliance, rather than their lawnmowers to restore her dignity.
A few days later she texted that our one simple act of service had caused a ripple effect. Her self-esteem had returned. She wasn’t embarrassed to play in the yard with her kids. Her desire to connect with God returned. A family member showed up to help, after feeling so convicted because someone outside the family helped and they had not. In the end, Christopher and I, simply stepped up to kneel down and extend a hand beyond the mess to the person buried beneath the rubble.
My mom was always fond of combatting my poopy attitudes with “you get more flies with honey than you do with buttermilk”. She also said, “make sure the words you say today are soft. You might be eating them tomorrow”. My dad was the chief engineer of the rescue operation that traversed the borders of Hell in order to bring me back to the land of the living. My dad prayed daily for me, even when I didn’t want it. He reached out to me in love, even when I was a hot, vitriolic mess. My father served as a missionary to the gay community by simply loving me unconditionally. He started a fire in me for the gay community that God later confirmed with Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…”.
The Holy Spirit is leading me to approach the conversation on homosexuality from a redemptive perspective. Like my father, I am choosing to humbly engage the lost, the broken and wounded men and women of the gay community. Always remembering that my past bears a striking resemblance to their daily existence.
The only hope for either of us is Jesus. Simply. Beautifully. Jesus.
Gay Marriage, Krispy Kreme & Freddie Mercury
Hey guess what? Gay marriage is legal in the U.S.. In case you were wondering why every building, cupcake and gigantic Ferris wheel in America was bathed in Technicolor. I write a blog about my gay life, my Christian life and my journey thus far. I am sure that a lot of my readers, all 6 of ‘em, have been waiting to see what I have to say. Rest assured. I always have something to say. I was at a loss for words once. Only once. It was a rainy night. I had been driving along, when suddenly, a brilliant, neon orange, illuminated sign proclaiming, “HOT NOW” beckoned to me. Rushing in to claim my free, Krispy Kreme donut, I was told that the free donut promotion had been…discontinued. I took a vow of silence and fashioned a black, Christian Dior, argyle dress sock into a makeshift armband, which I wore for 3 weeks.
Much like the animals I used to train at Sea World, I have learned a lot from the mistakes of my past. I have learned that my response to the Chick-fil-A scandal of a few years back was hasty; that my agreement with Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty was over exuberant. This time around, with such a hot topic as gay marriage poised and ready to make it’s way down the line, like one of my favorite, fried Krispy Kreme delicacies, I pause for a moment of prayer, reflection and careful thought. I envision a gay community with faces, hearts and souls, rather than the visage of a great, political monster that just pissed me off with “what he had said!”.
If have you have known me five minutes, you know that I lived as a gay man for 10 years. I had an encounter with Jesus. He led me to walk away from my gay life. My friend Sy said this of walking away from homosexuality. “I didn’t leave homosexuality, because I thought it was bad. I left homosexuality, because I found something better.” That something better was Jesus. This isn’t a blog about whether you can be gay and Christian. I won’t try to convince you of anything, but rather I would challenge you to go somewhere quiet, have a conversation with Jesus and give Him the chance to awaken your heart to the truth.
I grew up in the Assembly of God church. We shouted, sang and jumped around. Church services were similar to an Ozzy concert, except we were always angry if the devil showed up. I grew up perceiving that “homosexuals were an abomination” to God. Much like many of my gay contemporaries, I knew at a very young age that I felt different from other boys. In later years I was led to believe that meant I was gay. 30 years later, with tears pouring down my face I would read a very biblical, extremely compassionate document authored by the AOG General Counsel about homosexuality, circa 1979. I was 9 years old. A great and deep ache welled up within me. Questions flooded in. “Why was I just hearing about this now?” “Why hadn’t I been privy to the life giving words of this document when I needed it most?” “Where was this scripture when I was sustaining the emotional blows of the misinterpreted mantra of Leviticus 18:22?” This document had the potential to save me from so many years of heartache and brokenness as a gay man, yet I had never heard of it until now.
I don’t believe that all the people in my church were bigoted A-holes, bent on the destruction of homosexuals. I believe that the real answer was tinged with fear, misunderstanding and ignorance brought about by the enemy of our soul; satan. To the gay community and the Christian community alike, I humbly say this. Satan is the true enemy: not the church or the gay community.
I have known my friend Justin for years. Justin is gay and he is one hell of an animal trainer. He has an incredible heart and a beautiful spirit. When Justin came into my life, he had been with his partner Anthony for 13+ years. What would you think my first assignment from God was concerning Justin? Tell him to repent for being gay? Share Jesus and my testimony with him? None of the above. God simply said, “Love him”. I did a pretty good job. I learned that when you are given the freedom to love someone, you are relieved of the duty of having to “fix” them. When you look beyond a person’s sin and brokenness, you can begin to love them the way Jesus does. Everyone, regardless of whom they choose to marry, has human needs that create opportunities, which allow us to share the love of Jesus, before we ever quote a single line of scripture.
I loved Justin well. When his partnership with Anthony ended, he came to me in tears. His sadness wasn’t my opportunity to speak out against sin. It was a chance to comfort another human being with the comfort that I had been comforted with myself; the love of Jesus. How did I comfort him? I shared about my own breakup with a boy almost 20 years ago. I could speak to my friend Justin from a humble place of familiarity, rather than from the self-righteous perch atop my Ivory Tower.
I believe God has something better for every gay man and woman that far outweighs the expected hopes and promises of gay marriage or even a gay life. There may be victory for the moment, but this win will do nothing to silence the ache of lonely hearts that only Jesus can quell.
I know why so many in the gay community seek to legalize gay marriage. I understand them. I have lived them. This isn’t a blog written by another Christian standing to bash the church. I was wounded by men in the church, but it was in the church at the hands of other men that I found healing and affirmation. I would ask the church at large and the pastors who have been praying vehemently against gay marriage one question: “If you view gay marriage as an event so heinous as to usher in the Apocalypse, do you have something better to offer the gay community instead?” Wouldn’t our prayers for the salvation of lost people have been better than thousands of prayers to stave off a single, inevitable event indicative of the fallen world we live in. If thousands in the gay community knew Jesus as their savior, it wouldn’t have mattered if Freddie Mercury himself resurrected to perform the ceremonies.
I write to the gay community and Christians alike. I ask humbly for your consideration. If you are happy being gay, I won’t challenge you. If you are gay and unhappy, I implore you to add Jesus to your search. To the church at large, I need you to know. I was raised in the congregation of an AOG church, not cooked up in a lab in San Francisco. I believe I was born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay. To a large extent my sensitive nature was not prized among the men in the church, but was celebrated in the arms of the gay community. Men of God, it’s your role to decide who will shape the lives and destinies of sensitive boys like me: the church or the world.
I responded unwisely and hastily to political shakeups of the past. I don’t want to be “that Christian”. I want to be the Christian whose light shines so bright that the lost are drawn in like I was to the “HOT NOW” sign. I want to impact each person I encounter with a heart surrendered to Jesus, rather than a Facebook page filled with witty rhetoric. I want each person who encounters me to leave loved, affirmed and heard. I want to be a Christian who isn’t afraid to set knee to knee and eye to eye with someone from the gay community or anyone else who needs a little less battle and whole lot more compassion.
Not Who I Was. He is the Great I Am
scripture hallway
It was fall of 1993. I was loading up my shiny, red S-15 pickup truck and moving to Galveston. It was Phase 2 of my plan to become a world famous killer whale trainer. Phase 1 consisted of a 3-week tropical marine biology class in The Bahamas and a separate overnight stay in Paris…Texas that is. I was leaving my home in Barnsdall, Oklahoma and finally pursuing a Marine Bio degree. When that truck drove out of my parent’s driveway for the last time, it was packed with a comfy, college dorm chair, sentimental, knick-knack crap and equal parts bitterness and rebellion. In the driver’s seat was an angry, hurting 22-year old boy. That boy, was me. There were many reasons I was headed to Texas: college, a psycho ex-boyfriend, Shamu and to run away from who I had been for the last 16 years. I also hoped that God wouldn’t pursue me that far south of the bible belt.The night before I left, I packed every, last, damn thing I owned into that little, red truck. I resented my parents so much that I slept on a comforter in the middle of the living room floor, as one last act of defiance. My mom wasn’t ready for me to move that far from home. Her pain was palpable. I sensed it before one tear dared to stain her cheek. She came to me that night to wish me good night. I had already begun to close my heart off to her emotionally. After years of torturing emotional incest by my mother, this cold, callous reaction was simply a defense mechanism. That night, however, she came to me broken, wounded and sincere. It was that night I think her “mother’s” heart, shattered into a thousand icy shards. It was a turning point for both of us. Her words were simple and true. “You don’t have to go,” she said. “I don’t care if you are sick,” she continued, “I don’t care if you are dying. I don’t care if you are gay. You don’t have to go.” “I don’t care if you are gay”. The words are still just as haunting today.
She knew? SHE KNEW! She knew.
Paralyzed by fear, I just stood there. I looked away. I couldn’t let her see further inside. Besides, my eyes were as cold and dead as my heart. I said nothing, but left her alone to face the echoes of her pain in silence. Nothing was going to change my mind. I was tired of hurting, tired of not fitting in and tired of all the lies. Texas was my answer. Texas was going to “fix” me. At some point in life, I drew comfort from her confessions. Yet, there was nothing she could have said to reach me that day. My feet were firmly planted in Oklahoma, but my heart was already in Texas. My mom knew that many of the reasons I was leaving would fall under the heading, ‘Escape’. I had mistakenly filed them all under “Freedom’. It didn’t matter. At 9 that next morning, I would be fully committed to whatever brand of heaven or hell lay before me. That self proclaimed journey into ‘Freedom’ led me down the road to periodic HIV tests, many a drunken stupor and blackout and eventually a heart so broken and deceived that it led to a night of prostitution. The most incredible thing wasn’t that I Survived my self-prescribed journey into freedom. The most incredible thing was The Reason that I survived it.
Jesus Christ was with me the entire time.
From the moment I set foot in Galveston, God was with me. The first guy I dated was a Baptist minister’s son. What did we discuss on our first date? Christianity and homosexuality. This is what happens when God has a call on your life. He won’t frickin’ leave you alone. God was there. Even when I thought He wasn’t. Even when I hoped He wasn’t. Even after I told him to ‘F’ off, because I was going to be gay no matter what. Even then, He never left me, never abandoned me. Years later, I would read the following passage in the Bible, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10. The author was expressing the realization that there is literally nowhere we can go to be to away from God. While I wasn’t so keen on God seeing everything I had done, I couldn’t deny that life with God was like one great, big, spiritual “Where’s Waldo” adventure. My story of redemption through Jesus Christ was one of wooing and chasing, doting and pursuing. I rejected Jesus for so many years. Yet He pursued me. I blamed Him for all my pain. Yet He continuously forgave me. I built a wall around my heart. I pushed people away. I lived in the rancid isolation of sexual brokenness that so many in today’s gay community call “Freedom”. I can’t remember many days when I called out to God, but He never stopped calling to me. I have every reason to daily hang my head in shame, for the porn that I have seen, the sex I have had and the life that I lived. However, the word of God says in 2 Corinthians 5:21 “For He (God) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (Jesus). I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ. What a reason to hold my head high and celebrate. It’s not my any act or effort of my, but by the power of Jesus Christ to save me, cleanse me and forgive me. I am no longer defined by the sins of my past. You can choose to no longer be defined by your brokenness, but instead by the One who fixes the broken. It took me more than ten years to surrender most of my broken pieces to Jesus. Yet it took Him less than a millisecond to say “Welcome Home”. As a boy who had always looked for a place to belong, those words fell like rain in the desert of my isolation. Jesus is still performing rescue missions little brothers. It matters not what you’ve done or are doing. What matters most, is saying Yes to Jesus. The bible says that those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. It’s time; to end one journey and start another. The same Jesus Christ, who took those first steps with you into sexual sin and brokenness, is waiting at the next exit with cheers and celebration.
“Let the children come to me…for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
Cardiac Arrest
Last night I watched a movie based loosely on the life of the Solomon of the bible, called “The Song”. I had spent the entire day prior to our 10:05 movie time celebrating my birthday with friends. The happy, go lucky, fun frenzy, birthday extravaganza ground to an abrupt halt roughly halfway through the movie. Spoiler Alert. The main character a struggling singer marries the girl of his dreams, then writes a hit song and proceeds to let fame wreck his life. It should have been rated O for “O My Gosh This is so Frickin’ Depressing!” BUT…it was worth the watch. Here’s why. They might have been recreating the story of Solomon, but they were also writing the story of every one of us who has drifted away from God when we got enticed by “the world”. My stomach was in knots the entire movie, but it wasn’t just because the movie was sad and frustrating at times. Deep in my heart, I knew that I, too, had been guilty of cheating on God with various “seductive temptresses” throughout my life. I was mad, because I had spent the entire day celebrating me and now God was asking me to focus my attention back on Him. How dare He, right? I live a cleaner, healthier more Christ filled life now than I did 20 years ago when I was deep in the heart of the gay community, but even a little “rust” if gone unnoticed, can weaken the sturdiest “metal”. One conversation in the movie was especially convicting. The main character’s wife accuses him of loving his career more than his family. He starts rationalizing and gets defensive about how his career is good for everyone. How many times have I gone to bat for something that was a whole lotta me and very little God? In recovery circles the term “self medicate” applies to methods we use to soothe our hurts and wounds on our own using drugs, sex, porn, food, etc.. This movie served as a wake up call for me. As a Christian and follower of God, I am called to surrender everything. That includes ways in which I self medicate. I have to admit this people. There are ways I still don’t believe that God will do what He says He will do in His word. And that is this, God would provide OUR every need if we would step aside and let Him. Instead, I build walls inside and around my heart and post no trespassing signs to Him. Yet, I will throw out the Red Carpet to people on occasion who don’t give a rodent’s rear end about me. One of the biggest heartaches in ministry is when a guy I have been ministering to suddenly meets the “perfect” guy. This leads them to change their mind about God and my testimony. Some are led back into sin by the promise of “the man of their dreams”. I used to get so mad at God when this would happen. ‘How could you let satan do this to these guys? Don’t you care about them? Don’t’ you care about my sanity? What about all the effort I have wasted?’ My heart wasn’t always in the most Christ surrendered places. God has recently begun to change my perspective on the matter. It’s like He has posed the question to me, “Where does it hurt more? Your heart or your pride?” God hurts a million times worse than we do when one of His children says no to His plan for their lives. It grieves God when we choose to settle for sinful behavior rather than to rest in His presence. I know all too well, the seductive, convincing allure of homosexual desires. I also know that gay relationships led me away from God’s will for my life. “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.”- Proverbs 14:12. As I sit and judge or nurse a broken heart because a guy I have been ministering to chooses another path, how much more does God hurt when I do the same thing to Him. Pornography and masturbation is one way we all say ‘no’ to God’s healing love. Food and finances run amuck are other ways we try to fill the void in our lives, while God waits for us to reach our body’s and our credit card’s limit. It’s often only then that He bring healing and restoration. God desires to be in relationship with us. He desires for us to pursue the path of His will. His will is the only path that leads to life. Homosexuality is by no means the worst sin in the basket. All sin grieves the heart of God, but the bible describes sexual sin as a sinning against one’s own body. Homosexuality to me, was a consistent and slow-burning, forest fire, daily claiming acre after acre of cardiac real estate. Our pastor challenged us to be “Boldly Humble and Beautifully Messy”. That is what God called me to be when I started this blog. Today, I had a conversation with a friend, who is choosing to pursue God while simultaneously pursuing a relationship with another guy. That may screw with a lot of people’s theology. It does with mine. But…I know my friends heart. I have seen how anointed and gifted by God he is. However, one of his statements shifted my focus. As he shared his heart super openly, he also told me that he knows very clearly that I believe homosexuality is a sin. He politely asked me not to mention it again, because he was sure he would never forget. He asked if we could simply build a friendship and if I could let him work this next phase of his life out with God and not as the subject of my watchful eye. We ended our conversation with a prayer. Then I made a move that some may disagree with, but I felt led of the Holy Spirit to do. I asked my friend for forgiveness if I have tried to force Jesus on him as an ultimatum. I apologized for any moment that I had treated him as less than me or for any moment I had promoted the idea that I myself “have arrived”. I truly know that my heart breaks for these guys, because I have experienced the hurt and pain of using things other than Jesus to heal my pain. I have been used, battered and maligned by people I thought I could trust with my heart. Although I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I also believe that if I choose something else simply because my trust muscle is broken, that Jesus Christ is big enough to forgive my sin, mend my wounds and set me on the proper path. satan has no new tricks. He tempts each one of us the same. Thank goodness, he doesn’t have exclusive rights to the script of our lives. I love my gay friends with a love that only comes from walking a mile in their shoes and from having experienced the love of Christ when I was saying ‘Hell No Jesus’. I trust that God will answer my prayers for them; that each one of them will one day surrender their lives to Jesus. Until that day I will trust God with their lives the same way my father trusted God with mine. At the end of the day, I am learning to have greater faith in God’s sovereignty than satan’s liberal use of smoke and mirrors. Phililppians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Wake Up or Suffer the Consequences
I was asked by a friend to define my use of the term gay Christian. Calling myself a gay Christian back in the 1990’s was an attempt to reconcile my homosexuality and my Christianity. Calling myself a gay Christian also kept the bible thumpers at bay. I could argue I’d never chosen to be gay, that God had created me that way and that there was nothing anyone could say about it. Back in my youth I knew and acknowledged what the bible said about homosexuality, but didn’t apply it to my life, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reconcile the truth of the bible with my same sex attractions. I tried to live a life based on the verses I heard, understood and that I thought applied to my life. I believed I was born gay, so I thought the scriptures had to be wrong.
The gay Christians of the world today are different. Many of them are living a Christian life centered around their homosexual desires and not centered around Christ. I just read a FB thread about a debate between Christopher Yuan, a Christian leader and Justin Lee, President of the Gay Christian Network, GCN. It was on Justin’s page so many of the posts were pro GCN. The level of deception is astounding. One guy said this, referring to Christopher “…he(Christopher) decided to fall into the same pattern of "these passages condemn homosexuality, i know you have been told that they don't, but they do… “ and “…I wasn't expecting him to whip out an extended clobber passage lecture in the middle of this.” The gentlemen ended by stating that he hopes that their next talk “…will provide more an (of) opportunity to do "bridging" than wall-building.” Gay Christians aren’t really debating scripture any more, they are dismissing the real and applicable to modern day truth of God’s word, because it doesn’t bear witness with the lie they are living. Gay Christianity is not about living in accordance to God’s word or being a gay follower of Jesus.
Gay Christianity is a separate, pagan religion, cleverly disguised and seeded with biblical half-truths, that allows homosexual sin and an aspect of religion to co-exist.
2 Timothy 4:2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.
Taking up one’s cross and daily denying ourself is a truth relegated to the days of Jesus and the Apostles. For no one ever, has Christianity been what the gay Christian agenda has made it today. If the bible had been lived out according to the principles of the gay agenda, Daniel would have never had to endure the lion’s den, the three Hebrew children wouldn’t have been thrown in the fire and Peter wouldn’t have been crucified upside down, because God is a loving god and those things are uncomfortable. All those folks lived life according to biblical truth and ended up going through hell. If gays can misinterpret scripture and build a separate sect of Christianity, then the woman caught in adultery would have been vindicated to say, “Jesus wasn’t really addressing my sin when He said ‘Go and sin no more.’ He was really talking to the crowd who weren't being loving to me, because they were treating me bad.’ “
I have a friend who is a celibate gay Christian. He doesn’t engage in sex, porn or mast. He’s not going to try and walk away from gay anymore, but he will never be straight. In my opinion he is living a sequestered life of asexuality, where God is more of a warden than a savior. Another friend believes that God created him gay. He dates guys and is as monogamous as he can be. There are as many types of gay Christians as there are church denominations. I can’t answer definitively whether someone who calls themself a gay Christian will go to heaven like Alan Chambers stated on Lisa Ling. I can say that the bible says we will know Christ’s followers by the fruit they produce.
One last scripture, when it comes to fellowship with gay Christians. Fellowship with gay Christians isn’t like fellowship with gay men and women that don’t know Christ. As Christians we are to love and guide the lost. When it comes to someone who calls themself a Christian and doesn’t live according to God's will, there are a few scriptural mandates. I personally don’t believe that churches should be having conversations about compromise with the gay Christian community. For one it isn’t biblical and two we are not to compromise the word of God. If we come together to see what we agree on, the bible better be opened and consulted for the duration of the conversation. We are living in the last days and we are the persecuted church. If we stand up for what the bible says about sexual sin, we will be laughed at, mocked, taunted and persecuted. Satan has worked diligently to normalize homosexuality and distance modern day homosexuals from the homosexual offenders of ancient bible days. 1 Corinthians 5:9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”
Scripturally, we are to have two different responses to gay people as opposed to gay Christians. We are not to walk around as if we have it all together and are perfect, but we are supposed to guard our churches and our hearts against false prophets, like Justin Lee and other members of the GCN. His goal is not church integration. He is quoted in his book describing ways to bring about division in the modern day church. That doesn't sound like a plan for compromise. He may represent himself as compassionate and loving, but his motivation and goals are far from pure.
At the end of the day I believe we must lovingly represent the truth to any and all persons living a life of sexual sin. We, as those who know and live the truth, must open up our churches to repentant gay men and women seeking help. We must refuse to compromise scripture, because a compromised gospel is no gospel at all. We must provide a safe refuge for the wounded without letting the wolves disguised as sheep in. We are called to pray for the lost, the deceived and those being led away to slaughter. Men like Justin Lee and Dan Savage are touting a message that ensures the downfall of many in the gay community. It is a message filled with empty hope, mingled with biblical half-truths, but mostly high spirited, compassionate opinion. There has never been a more appropriate time for the church to awaken from their slumber, than now.
Get Outta The Boat Heifer!
Is it me, or does the purple Listerine feel more like battery acid than the other flavors? As I swished it around, I did a double take at the label, searching for ingredients I was certain were in there, like “magma” or “diesel fuel”. Two nights ago, after a very enjoyable dinner with friends, my car decided to die momentarily in the parking lot. It was fixed the next day then the AC, which I had fixed a few weeks prior, went out. Did I mention how much my feet hurt as well?
Time to complain? Nope, time to testify about the peace that God has been granting me lately. The night my car broke down, my friend Luis drove Josh and I home. Problem solved. I was more than a little thrown off course, by the engine malfunction. Why? Well, the next day I had three very interconnected, tough to schedule, but very necessary appointments. You know the ones. If you’re a minute late to one, or something goes awry, the whole day could be ruined. I had from 9 pm at night to 9 am the next morning to sweat, stew and dream about how terrible the next day was going to be. I made it home and when I sat down to worry, a sense of peace washed over me instead. I don’t know that I have ever felt that before. I questioned this soothing, but unfamiliar feeling. There was one other attack that threatened my sanity that evening, yet I couldn’t forget the peace that God has used to cloak my heart.
Our dinner conversation with friends and the next day’s appointments were God ordained moments. The enemy did his best to derail ‘The Mercy Express’. satan launched his attack as soon as he could. God had begun the peace process way before then. Turns out that the repair on my car was covered under warranty. The Listerine just needed a good “shaken not stirred” action and the other two appointments worked out better after the car issue.
Every time I have begun to let doubt creep in, the Holy Spirit has been right there with a scripture. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”-- Psalm 37:25. I read this a few weeks ago. Waterfall in the Wilderness Moment! Then today, quite “randomly” I was taking part in the filming of a new Bible DVD series and the guy on stage quotes Psalm 37:25. That peaceful feeling came again, but this time it was accompanied by something else. It was the feeling of knowing and believing that the verse was absolutely and undeniably true. I can’t explain it, but I felt the belief take hold of me like a physical manifestation of truth programmed into every cell of my body.
God is so faithful, even when I rekindle my past. I have been here before: doubt, despair and fear of failure. When I walked away from 15 years of history as a Sea World animal trainer, it was much the same as walking away from 20+ years as a gay man. Both were places of comfort and familiarity. Both met certain needs I had. I had outgrown them both as well. When I stepped away from both I was that “wobbly toddler” taking those first bumbling steps away from stability and towards the unknown.
Peter didn’t just dip his foot in and yell “HEY JESUS! Look at me!” Peter asked “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” (Jesus) said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. “ To do great things my brothers, you gotta get off your lazy butt and step out of the boat. Turn off the TV, quit downloading porn, stop being afraid to fail, begin trusting God and do something with the life that He has so graciously loaned you. Peter's faith started with a desire and culminated in a conversation with Jesus. What is the desire of your heart little brothers? Start your long overdue conversation with Jesus today. Keep your heart and your ears open for His response.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord...
Freedom Friday —} Sunday Funday
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About 500 Exodus International Freedom Conferences ago, I thought of a really great idea that lay dormant for years. I began attending the Exodus Conferences in 2001 a few years after I began my walk out of homosexuality. The conferences were well organized and power packed with knowledge, worship and prayer. Yet, there was always one day that energized me. That day was lovingly called “Freedom Friday”! It was the Friday of the conference week. It was nestled perfectly between tough days of learning and teaching, after guys and gals had their minds blown by the informative workshops indicative of every Exodus Conference. Freedom Friday was a day to ponder. FF was a day of rest and relaxation. A day to forget that your heart and soul were hurting in a good way. In a sense, it was a day of rest in between battles for our minds.
A few years ago, Freedom Friday was dropped from the schedule, because of the economy. It made financial sense. It never made developmental and spiritual sense. So there we were, Freedom Friday Free and in need of an outlet. That is when my brain began to churn out ideas. I wanted to do something that would get our Exodus guys out of the house and into the world. Many of the conferences before we had done adventure trips or played sports. All of which were packed with physical activity. My idea was to start an adventure group for guys walking out of homosexuality. I wanted to start an Ex-gay Adventure Group, but I did absolutely nothing about it.
It was crazy, far-fetched and the name just wasn’t too appealing. How exactly does one market an Ex-Gay Adventure Group? I began to come up with names. I finally decided on was XG4 Adventures. It was obvious what XG stood for. The 4 was short for Force. I abbreviated, because I didn’t want to sound like a band of ex gay superheroes. But once again, I did nothing to bring the group out of the pages of my mind and into reality.
Then I met my roommate Stacy. A straight guy who had never struggled with homosexuality, but had his own brand of struggle on the planet. His dream was to enrich the lives of young straight men, by taking on wilderness adventures. Our desires were very similar. I believe that it was a desire that God birthed in both of our hearts. We let our dreams sit in the "parking lot" for years. We did a few mini adventures here and there, but for the most part, the grand reveal would be years in the making.
Fast Forward to June 23, 2013. Today was the first foray into making both of our dreams a reality. While attending the last Exodus Freedom Conference in Orange County, California, we decided to take a hike. We took a big group of Exodus Men on a Hike in the foothills along the California coast, near Laguna Beach.
We climbed hills and carried rocks to simulate burdens that we would carry for each other in real life. There were those who walked ahead. Those who kept an eye on stragglers. And those who marched to the beat of their own drum. We lost sight of one another every once in awhile and eventually made it back to home base. Point is, We did it all together. It was nothing special and something extraordinary all at once. Stacy was the mastermind behind the adventure. At the top we paused for a moment to build a monument with our rocks and offer our lives to God in prayer.
Praise God for the culmination of two dreams in the lives of so many great men. Thank you God for these men. Thank You God, for these lives brought out of darkness and into Your life giving Light.
The Father's Call
My life as a little boy was always spent on the run, guarding myself from hurt. I grew up with three very strong personalities: mom, dad and my brother. I spent a lot of time alone, being quiet and constructing a private world where I felt safe. Mom was the smotherer. Dad was the strict disciplinarian. Brother was unpredictable and generated fear in me at every turn. When I finally left my childhood home, there was a lot of living and a lot of conversation to catch up on.
As I have said before, I don’t believe anyone is born gay. I believe boys are born “Sensitive, Artistic and Creative”. This exposes them to pain and hurt. They have their emotions crushed very easily and are then susceptible to the lies of the enemy that says they were born different. Eventually, through small developmental steps, these boys are led to believe they are “born gay.” The seeds planted in my heart as young man were nourished by feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I grew up to be a fearful adult, confused and very comfortable being alone. There was a lot of pain to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. A therapist once described the homosexual side of my life as my minds way of coming up with an entirely different lifestyle to manage my pain.
I didn’t have much a relationship with my father until I was about 27. I had distanced myself from my father at an early age. He scared me. He wasn’t as sweet and nice as mom. He made us attend church and was a lot less emotional than. We clashed…a lot. Many boys who develop homosexual tendencies suffer from that same disconnect with dad at an early age. My disconnect left me with feelings of being lost and bewildered. I spent the rest of my life looking for a father figure or another man to love me and give me a sense of value.
When I returned to Jesus at the close of 1998, God restored my relationship with my father. It wasn’t immediately perfect. It took a lot of willingness and work. There were emotional bumps and bruises. We both had to lovingly forgive each other. I let satan drive a wedge in between my father and I for far too long. Through my own stubbornness, I let satan led me into homosexuality, cheat me out of a relationship with my father and then convince me that my father didn’t love me. I learned to serve God by watching my father serve others. I remembered his stories of being led by the Holy Spirit to stop by people’s houses and share the gospel. My dad was my first spiritual hero. He was the one that paved the way to the gospel, even as I was telling him I could care less. He would often pray in the living room of my childhood home until 3 am for my brother and I. He lifted my name up to God until I was ready to call on the name of God myself. One of my greatest hopes for young gay men who struggle with homosexuality today is that they have praying fathers. I pray for restoration with their fathers. I pray that restoration leads them into relationship with their heavenly father.
No matter how full of holes my relationship with my dad is, his words will always help restore me when the world attacks me with theirs. Our heavenly Father’s words have that same healing power my friends. God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that there is no place that you can go that is beyond his reach. There is freedom from homosexuality. I celebrate it daily. Don’t let the lies of the enemy determine your fate. God has a purpose and a plan for you beyond the scope of homosexuality.
In the next few weeks, I will be stepping into full time ministry. My plan is to share Jesus Christ and the truth about homosexuality with as many as will listen. My father has been walking this journey with me. Dad called today to tell me that I was courageous. He said I was courageous for going against the grain and quitting my job to reach the gay community with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have waited my whole life for those powerful words of affirmation from him. What an amazing day! He shared the following scriptures with me as well. Yay God!
Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread.”
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.”
“Hey!,” Small Town Preacher
I called myself a gay Christian until The Holy Spirit challenged that belief. “I see plenty of gay in the your life, but I don’t see a lot of Christianity”, He said. “Gay Christianity” was the religion I had crafted around the scriptures I chose to obey. The sin of homosexuality took precedence over any holiness in my life. My daily goal was to proselytize about homosexuality. Salvation through Jesus was often an accessory rather than a mantra. My faith took a backseat to my sexuality, as it does with many gay Christians. Some may disagree, but how many Christian pride parades have you seen lately? Jesus prefers to be Lord of our life, rather than to share our heart with sin. “…Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’ Matthew 16:24. In March of 1999, I was three months into leaving my gay life and returning to God. I moved back home; a small, Oklahoma town, population 1500. I started attending the church I grew up in. Sunday services were a necessary shot to my pride. My spirit screamed Yee-haw. My flesh was like “What the…?”
I wrote my pastor a letter about my past. I wasn’t sure how he’d respond, but I was learning to trust God. The pastor handled it better than expected. Two weeks later he preached a sermon in response to my letter, to a small town, sheltered, mostly older congregation. I’m sure they had there own “What the…?” moments that Sunday. He spoke with great wisdom. He defended wounded people and championed us to love people equally, but he stood firm against the sin of homosexuality. The Holy Spirit led me to love Jesus. Pastor Phil led me to love the bible. I want to share my letter, written over 10 years ago. I’ve learned a great deal more about the development of homosexuality in a person’s life. My opinions are no longer filtered through the veil of my broken sexuality. Hopefully this letter will help with your own walk out of homosexuality.
“Dear Phil,
There was a time, I thought, at the end of this trial I would be able to stand as an example to other men and women with the same plight. I would wear my healing as a badge so that others on earth could see what I had accomplished. I would be the light at the end of the tunnel. I alone would give them hope. I was wrong!
Ten years ago, when my journey into unrighteousness began, there were no real warning signs. I knew right from wrong. I also knew that I had never felt understood, loved or necessary. I heard the message of God’s love all my life. I learned of its power and unconditional nature. It went in one ear and straight to my heart. I never thought how those precious words might save my soul or light my path. I held them as weapons to use against people who judged me.
If I told you I was an alcoholic, you would pray for deliverance from my addiction. If I told you I was a smoker, your reaction would be similar. You see redemption for these sinners. These sins are prolific in our society.
My sin, however, is that I am a homosexual. What is your first reaction: prayer or disgust? Are you still concerned for my soul? Would you put me into a class of sinners for which there is no hope? A decision solely based on the belief that all homosexuals, not homosexuality, are a product of the devil? That is the way a lot of Christians see it. They see it as a sin that a person has taken on to themselves. In essence, a lot of people view it as the “second unforgivable sin.” When these beliefs became known to me God’s love suddenly become conditional.
The difference between a smoker or alcoholic and a homosexual, in my opinion, is very simple. Although they are all sins, smoking and drinking are voluntary in the beginning, homosexuality is not. One can stop purchasing alcohol or cigarettes or refuse to buy them in the first place. Homosexuality lives in ones mind as a parasite, “a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour”. Homosexual acts are voluntary. A homosexual can chose to remain abstinent. However, the desires still persist. Temptation is there, below the surface. The fight becomes harder each day. I am not justifying the sin. I want you to look at it from my viewpoint.
Homosexuality is a “Cadillac” among sins. The devil weaves it into a person’s life through natural processes such as puberty, sometimes through sexual abuse and as in my case, it appears as inherent knowledge. Some scientists have even proposed it to be genetic. If it is indeed genetic, then the devil has done his homework.
When the heterosexual world looks in from the outside they seem to believe that somewhere along the road, a person has chosen to become homosexual. No one chooses to be a part of a group that is ridiculed and persecuted for their beliefs. The only decision that homosexuals make is a decision to stop hiding their feelings; a decision to have the same opportunities as everyone else in society. The only decision made is the decision to be happy. They call the process “coming out of the closet”. They herald this event as the start of life; a single defining moment. “Coming out” is not a victorious triumph. It is a way to give in to the temptations without feeling the guilt. It is a pure and simple surrender to the forces of the devil.
The world is full of Christians who’d forgive you for murdering their firstborn before they’d help a repentant homosexual. So many times a preacher will be delivering a sermon about redemption. The expressions on his face demonstrate the love of God issuing forth from his heart. Then the expression changes to a scowl, blood vessels arise on his forehead and his voice intensifies. In disgust he utters the vilest words ever to be voiced in a church house, “Homosexual”! For many years I endured situations like this. Never once did I hear them identify the sin of homosexuality apart from the person that was a child of God. There always seems to be more people willing to convict than there are people willing to help.
When you are a little kid these feelings do not seem unnatural. I remember seeing an adult male that I found attractive at the age of seven. Well before the age of accountability. I told my brother that if the man were a girl I would date him. Somewhere in my mind I knew I was supposed to like girls, but with the innocence of a child I saw beauty in a man. As I grew older these unnatural feelings persisted. When someone tells you its wrong, you need answers. The number one question that every child asks is “WHY?”. No one was ever willing to give any answer other than “Because.” I think one reason so many homosexuals have embraced the sin is because the world is full of answers as to why it is normal. They are all the wrong answers, but they are answers nonetheless. The churches I have been to have not provided any answers, but seemed to have a healthy amount of judgment for the taking. At every corner it seems they have washed their hands of it altogether.
In the beginning I prayed nightly for God to make me normal. I believed that if it was such an abomination God would remove it. I thought Christians might be wrong about it. Everything I had prayed for had come true, except for this one request from God. God didn’t seem to want to take it out of my life, so it must be His will. I carried this weight around. I also carried those Christian principles with me. At one point I attempted to meld the two. I just knew that since homosexuality and Christianity were such an integral part of my life that God would accept me. I called myself a gay Christian. I helped other gay youths with their trials and tribulations. With the unusually high rate of suicide among gay teens I thought for sure I was sent to “talk them down from the ledge”. I would tell them that what they were feeling was not unnatural. I would relay my own experience. All the while my father was praying.
You talked about gay marriage the other day. I have to look at the fact that these people in their own confused way seem to be reaching for spiritual normalcy in their lives. Much the way I once believed. They feel that by entering into marriage and living a Christian life that all will be well.
I was one of those couples. I was dating someone who made me the happy. I felt love and acceptance. I wanted to have a union with this person. My partner did not agree with my beliefs. He did not believe in God. Also sex was an important part of his life. I thought God had sent me this person. How could we not want the same things? The Holy Spirit began to minister to me once again. I was searching for God, but in the wrong places. Dad paid us a visit and I got back on track. The relationship ended. I prayed my prayer again. “Please let me be normal!”
There are a fair number of couples, gay and straight, living in sin with no plans of marrying. Homosexual couples trying to make their union holy in the sight of God, are people who seem to want God in their life. The couples who do unite, don’t see homosexuality as the binding sin that will send them to hell. The churches accepting them are doing it for the wrong reasons, mostly financial. I simply wish there was a way for them to find the right church where God could begin to minister to their lives. They are people just like you and I. They need a voice going up to God for deliverance of their soul.
I met one young man who was the son of a Baptist minister. He told me that there was no place in his life for his Christian beliefs as well as his homosexuality. He chose the latter. Once again, the tiny amount of hope I had in my heart died, along with it the belief that I would ever be normal.
Ultimately it seemed if I was going to get right with God, I would be walking the road alone. My gay friends could not understand why I just wouldn’t accept my homosexuality. I was afraid to tell Christians for fear of judgment. I struggled with the idea that I would be alone. Once I became clean and new in the Lord, Christians would accept me when the homosexuals rejected me. No one wants to be alone. Though we always have God, there is still that part of us that craves human companionship.
God was kind enough to send me an angel in 1992. A wonderful person who had endured similar trials. She listened to my story, prayed for me and most of all, refused to judge me and add to my pain. I just received a letter from her. She is still so in love with God and professes His love for me. My dad has also been the spiritual light in my life. I know there has not been a day that has gone by that he has not prayed for me.
When I began this letter, I had written ten pages before I came up for a breather. I was angry at first. The spirit of the Lord arrested that anger and allowed me to speak my mind in a calmer fashion. The entire letter was written as I endured the voice of the devil placing mental images in my mind. He also tried to make me believe once again that God had not taken this sin out of my life, because it was my calling in life. It was who I am. He tried to pit me against the church that “judged” me and also the Lord that loves me.
I didn’t want to have to wake up everyday and pray, “God please don’t let me be gay today!” What kind of a life would that be? Would that be true healing? I thought if I prayed about this that one day it would go away. The day I realized it was something I might have to pray about each day, I wept uncontrollably. I still cry about it from time to time. In the case of the smoker, there is program after program about how to quit. Alcoholics have AA, drug treatment hospitals, halfway houses, family intervention and a wealth of other avenues. What does a gay man or woman in today’s society have? Judgment!
My goal in writing this letter is not to promote acceptance or tolerance. I simply would like you to have an idea what it is like to have this sin in one’s life. A sin that for a time seemed as natural as breathing; as natural as a man’s love for a woman. What men take for granted each day, something as simple as love for a woman, I find unattainable and foreign. I have to pray for that love to manifest itself in my life. When you preached that message about a besetting sin. I felt God had finally heard my cries. There could have been 5000 people in that church and I still think that message was meant for me. This was another prayer I prayed for a time. “God if it is wrong for me to feel love for a man, then let me only have love for you. I could not feel love for a woman. I will do as you wish God. I will not express this love for a man, but I do not wish to feel the same love for a woman. I would have to start all over. I do not want to do that. I simply want to live my life loving you.”
In essence I was praying for God to make me a Catholic priest, I suppose. It was a horrible prayer. I can see that now. I was trying to punish God, because I felt slighted that I could not be a homosexual and it was unnatural. If he didn’t want me to be gay I did not want his natural plan for my life. I have since stopped using that prayer. Although I want people to begin to pray for the homosexual community, I don’t think that should be our focus. There are plenty of besetting sins out there. Mine was homosexuality. Believe it or not, there are gays out there who are searching for the spiritual truth. I know I am not alone. They need to know that someone cares. I think we as a church need to reach out and pray for God’s will in their life, instead of just assuming they are already headed for hell.
I have a long way to go, but I continue my daily walk towards the Lord. I have learned so many things over the years about God’s love. The scripture about bringing your child up in the way of the Lord and when he is old he will not depart from it, holds true. God held onto me for 10 years, because someone cared enough to mention my name in prayer. I simply want others to have the same chance that I have.”
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"
This is gonna sound like the chorus of Sweet Brown’s YouTube Remix of “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” before I’m through. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Though I’ll be using His name as an exclamation of wonder rather than to express the amazement that my house almost burned down with me inside it.
Unbeknownst to many it was Shamu, not Jesus, that brought me back to God. I dreamt of training Killer Whales since I was 14. Thirteen years later that dream became reality. For years I listened to naysayers and dreamkillers that said it is impossible. In 1992 when I heard about a Marine Biology Class offered in the Bahamas; a glimmer of hope appeared on the horizon. I took the class and began to dream again.
I would find myself at Texas A&M Galveston the next semester, pursuing a degree in Marine Biology. I was one step closer to swimming with Shamu. God had placed the dream on my heart. satan was planning too. That same semester I began dating a guy, who was the son of a Baptist minister. I knew I was supposed to be pursuing Jesus and not a gay life, but life was on my terms now. Luckily, God showed up on our first date in a simple conversation. Jason began to talk about his life. “I grew up Christian, but I knew I was gay”, he said. “I had to choose between the two. I chose gay”. Jason’s statements echoed in my head. No sooner had he said, “I chose gay”, than the Holy Spirit said, “That’s not an option for you”. My spirit agreed. My flesh continued to wrestle with the dilemma of Christianity and my homosexual desires for years.
I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 10 years old at youth camp. Yet even after my angry and ugly, teenage years, Jesus held on to me. When I became a rebellious, misbehaving adult, he directed my paths. I always looked for fulfillment in the arms of other guys, but it was Jesus Christ that gave me what I was searching for in December of 1998.
The final, fateful prayer I would make as a gay man went something like this. “Jesus I‘ve tried for 10 years to make my life work. I have schemed and planned and lived life like I wanted. I’ve gotten nowhere. I am giving you the reigns of my life now. Take control. Let’s see if you can make it work.” It was a desperate cry for help swaddled in a prideful challenge to God. Thank You Jesus for seeing the state of my heart.
I have a friend who says he didn’t leave gay because it was bad. He left gay, because He found something better. I have to agree. If you are gay and proud and have wandered across my blog, please keep reading. Before you label me a bigot, a hater or even an ignorant Christian, know this. I was once where you are now. I was bullied, teased, judged and rejected. I believe a lot of things about myself that God didn’t. Regardless of the debate in the world today, Jesus Christ loves you. He is crazy about you. If you have known Him before and fallen away, He wants you back. If you and I disagree, it doesn’t matter. Jesus is the only thing that matters. He is the key to having a fulfilling life. If you’ve been searching, let your search end with a prayer to Jesus. It needn’t be eloquent or scripted. Yell. Scream. Whisper. Sob. Forget the debate in the world. Remember the Savior of the world. Tell Jesus what you want. Tell Him what you need. Trust that He sees your pain. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
There is a God Who has the ability to transform your life and change your circumstance. Romans 4:17 “…God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.”
Romans 10:13 “for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”