"My Chosen Family"
When I was in my twenties Banana Republic came out with an ad campaign that, even for back then, pushed the envelope of societal norms. The tagline of their three page photo spread was “My Chosen Family”. Those words highlighted pictures of chiseled, male models holding hands with perky, yet elegant female models. As one turned the page there were guys holding hands with guys and girls following in their same sex steps. Those pages were life to my dead, lonely, closeted soul. It was veritable buffet of emotional porn that the enemy used to entice and ensnare simultaneously. They led me to believe I belonged somewhere. I don’t know if you are tired of hearing me pine on and on about what life was like back then, but frankly, I don’t care. Today, in a world where modern technology prevents us from being alone on a toilet for more than two seconds, people are still love starved and desperate for meaningful connection. People are still dying of interminable loneliness. I was that kid. I was that teenager. And somedays I am still that adult. A statement came to me last week that reverberated through the last 45 years of my life.
"I've never had a moment where I was alone, yet I've spent most of my life lonely."
As I hit the send button on each one of these blogs I feel like a scientist sending messages into outer space, waiting and wondering if I will get a response. There are times I know that I am sending out a literary cure for loneliness. Other times I know that I am letting someone know that Jesus has not forgotten them. That God will never leave them, forget about them or leave them alone. Then there are times that I feel this blog goes up like the Bat Signal performing multiple purposes using just one source of light.
I have been experiencing an awakening my friends. Like the feeling generated when you feel the first gust of a fall breeze or see one tiny, unexpected snowflake delivered by the wind. It has nothing to do with the physical seasons and everything to do with the spiritual season of my heart, my calling, God’s timing.
You may or may not know this, but I was born with a super sensitive heart; a blessing from God; a perceived weakness by some. I have suffered great damage to my heart and that sensitivity at the hands of family and those close to me. I couldn't choose my real family. So when the idea that I could actually belong to a loving family, a family of my choosing came along, it tripped every sensor in the “YES, PLEASE” portion of my brain.
I have long since forgiven those closest to me for the atrocities, real and perceived, that were perpetrated on me. Moving beyond the hurt feelings and the need for revenge prevented those who hurt me, from damaging me further. On the other side of forgiveness though, I emerged a different man with responses and reactions that had nothing to do with who God created me to be and more to do with the broken man shaped by the world. I spent the biggest part of my life wanting people to see me as smart, attractive, fun and accomplished. And an even bigger part investing so much time in trying to look like I had finally ARRIVED that I quickly lost sight of the journey and the ever changing destinations.
This past week as hurricane Irma devastated island after island and eventually my home state, I was safely tucked away in Oklahoma visiting my father. I was also blessed to connect with one of my oldest college friends. We hadn’t seen each other in 13 years. Our only knowledge of one another were the snippets of info and blurry pictures scattered across social media and the occasional search engine. Sitting down with my oldest friend, I was confronted with just how much life has passed me by. The passage of time revealed to me that neither one of us are the boisterous, boy crazy fools we were at Oklahoma State. I realized that out of every other person in my life, Scotty knows me better than any human on the face of the planet. That is partially because he has known me so long, but mostly because I decided long ago, he could be trusted and I let him in.
There are Sundays that I am feel like I am being more truthful than every other person in church. I can spot BS from a mile away and smell it from 5. I don’t make friends easily. I don't trust easily either. I feel like someone always has ulterior motives. I imagine that most people as characters in a bad English spy movie. I look for inconsistencies in their stories. Every once in a while the Lord leads me to good people. The Holy Spirit gives me the go ahead and I start a long and meaningful relationship. satan is always stirring up the microscopic seeds of my past to spawn a fresh batch of sh...shtuff. New people who remind us of people in our past, can often trigger old thought patterns, habits and responses. I fight daily to maintain these new relationships with the newly elected members of “my chosen family”.
Different than the people in those Banana Republic ads, the chosen family of my life nowadays are 3 dimensional. They have encountered sickness, heartache, divorce, rape and other atrocities. Some of them have been crushed under the weight of it. Their hearts may never love the same again. But the God we serve is the same yesterday, today and forever. The God we serve will always be by our side, and hold our hand even as He sees fit to allow us to walk through the fires of our everyday Hell.
I do my best to honor my father and mother as the scripture commands, but I will be damned if I will stay silent, keeping a lid on my pain and anguish, because those who have hurt me are now embarrassed by the truths that I share in the open. It is often the victims who suffers fresh, daily death, even after the perpetrators have long since forgotten their crimes.
I wrote a piece of poetry once that dripped with crimson rivers of vengeance. I would never physically harm anyone in real life, but I could murder my foes a thousand times over in my literary ramblings. When I laid down my right to vengeance and asked God for forgiveness and to cleanse my heart from the harm I had wished on my enemies, my chains fell away. For the first time, I could look long and hard into the lives of my tormentors and feel a compassion and an understanding for a life of familiar despair.
God is not my co-pilot as an 80’s bumpersticker once decreed. God is my life support system. Jesus tells me this, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." I sit here in the 2am dark of my Florida living room, praising God not that I found Him or He found me, but instead praising Him because I was never misplaced. Each and every step, each disappointment, each oopsy poopsy was known by my Father in heaven. He saw fit to allow each member of my family and my chosen family to shape, mold, chisel and sculpt the man you see before you today.
I am reminded of a song I used to sing when I was a little boy. “He’s still working on me. To make me what I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be. He’s still working on ME.” I most definitely have not arrived my friends. Some days, I hand out more apologies than accolades. Yet, as I sit here, in the wonderful space of Big Fish Ministry that my Father God provided to me as a refuge, I hear him whisper nightly to “You are My son. You are loved more than you know. You are cared for. You are my precious child. You have not been forgotten. And you will always be MY CHOSEN FAMILY. Love, Dad"
Beltway Meltdown
Ever have one of those days where you take a melatonin instead of your daily vitamin. Or worse yet, you fumble around the toothpaste drawer, only to load up your favorite brush with a big, lump of Preparation H? Yeah, me either, but now that I have your attention, I would like to tell you about my last two days of working on a Florida State toll project with a wondrous menagerie of Florida’s finest. I applied for a temporary job to pay off some extra bills that were looming over my head this holiday season. I found myself knee deep in good, ole boys and folks from around God’s creation. I haven’t seen that many wigs, weaves and hairpieces since the Dolly Parton concert I swore I would never tell anyone I attended.
One lady in particular was witnessing up a storm for Jesus yesterday and cussing out the boss and storming off the property today to the cries of, “I’m gonna call a lawyer.” After her outburst, I caught myself chanting lines from the Exorcist, “I think we need to call an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you.” I haven’t witnessed a meltdown like that since Sea World turned the sprinklers on a group of unsuspecting protestors. This woman made Rosie O’Donnell’s tirades on the view look like a poetry reading.
I remember one quote the day before the lady had proudly said to another lady waiting in the crowd. “You ever here of that saying ‘Blessed and Highly Favored’? “, she had asked. The woman nodded yes. Suddenly the first woman’s arms shot out from her body, curved back into a giant arc towards her torso as she pointed feverishly at herself. She was signaling that she was indeed, Blessed and Highly Favored. As are many Christians in the faith these days. What was interesting to me was that the same person who was Blessed and Favored one day, was Cursing and dropping F bombs the next.
Now certainly we can all have bad days, no doubt. But if you drop Jesus calling card one day and then light it on fire the next, a gut check might be in order.
The one thing I observed about the woman was that as long as she was in charge and in control, she was Blessed and Favored. Yet, the minute she was asked to submit to authority, she came out fighting and a cussing. She didn’t listen to our instructor at all. She kept doing her own thing. My main observation was her own foolishness got her into trouble, but she blamed everyone else for the issue.
God taught me as I watched the scene unfold today. You can be Blessed and Highly Favored by God, but if you act like a moron you might just get fired. God wants to bless us, but He calls us to use common sense and submit to authority. He calls us to be living examples to those around us, from the mountaintops and from the valleys.
People treat God like a box of condoms. They put Him on just before they are about to get in trouble. When He’s done His job, they discard Him until the next opportunity. Our relationship with God should be more akin to Abstinence. I’ll define Abstinence for today’s culture. Abstinence is the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. If we have decided to serve God, then we are making the decision to stay away from the things that bring death and destruction into your life. God didn’t set himself as a safety net of grace so we can go about doing whatever we want. God came and lived as we did, was tempted in every way we were and died a horrible death so that we would never have to.
After watching the lady today, I remembered one of the best lessons God has ever taught me.
No one...deserves my anger.
Uncovering the Broken Boy
The world has been talking to me this week. A lot. Tonight I was out watering my blueberry plants, sporting the remnants of an ill conceived, Halloween costume, a tattered Hawaiian shirt, I wasn’t worried what the neighbors think. I make a concerted effort to let them believe that I am the crazy neighbor they shouldn’t mess with. As I stood there, like a deranged, mental asylum escapee, I was mentally rifling through conversations that had taken place over the past two weeks. I shared my story briefly at a small, country church. I had three minutes to cover 44 years. At the mention of homosexuality, all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I was transported back to my childhood church, where I knew better than to share my struggle. I left the church feeling rejected; kinda judged. I also left knowing how so many gay people feel about some churches in our nation today.
Juxtapose that event with a conversation I had with my unchurched, Jewish neighbor, who has a lot of gay friends. They asked about what I had been doing since I left Sea World. I shared everything, They surprised me by their understanding of what I do for ministry. Shouldn’t the understanding and interest have come from the church?
One of the other conversations I was privileged to have was with the first gentleman that ever graced the halls of Big Fish Ministry as a participant back in 2009. Our relationship has been rocky and often riddled with misunderstanding. That changed this week. We agreed to let God lead the conversations from here on out; to love each other better. Gratitude flowed.
I sat down with a 19 year old kid who lost someone close and calls me on occasion to chat, because I am not stranger to death and loss myself. We sat at a coffee shop and chatted. I am seeing huge growth in his life. I am seeing him peer out from behind the curtain of fear to claim the abundant LIFE that our great God has promised him. I am thanking God for letting me be used as a vessel for His love.
I got to chat with a talented artist who has some amazing abilities. He gifted me with some of his creative time to sit and chat. Three of the four conversations I had this week were with straight guys who have never had gay temptations. Yet, when we begin to chat their struggles resonated with mine. The Holy Spirit then pointed out that I don’t have a gay struggle, but simply a human struggle, similar to other guys on the planet. Can I tell you how freeing that is to a guy who felt “bad different” during his young life.
My healing journey with Jesus Christ is the proverbial onion people: layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece. God often reveals truth slowly to me, so that I don’t engage in sin & run away from the man He is shaping me into.
The conversation with the artist revealed a deep inner wound that I don’t think this guy has shared with too many. I asked his permission to share. He said Yes. That day, I felt like the Holy Spirit told me to title our time together was to be called “Uncovering the Broken Boys”. And it was funny, because for the rest of the week, that is exactly what the Holy Spirit did.
If it wasn’t me He was uncovering from the rubble, it was the person across the table from me. God is in the business of rescue missions, but He’s really good at search and recovery as well.
I had two more conversations that were polar opposites. One of the guys I mentor sold his computer, because it was leading him to connect sexually with other guys. The other guy kept making excuses about why he needed his phone or computer. He rationalized about keeping some gay friends while breaking it off with others. With both I offered experiential advice. The difference between the two was this. One guy readily surrendered the “poison” he’d been drinking daily, while the other just kept trying to “change the labels” on the bottles.
I made my best effort to take God into every conversation this week. I was only looking to help or connect, but God had other plans. I started a conversation with a lady at Wal-mart and ended up praying for her. Like Jesus back in the day, this week I was all about my Father’s business. I didn’t used to be that kind of man. I used to search for meaning and value in the arms and lives of the gay men I’d meet. What a redemptive work God has done. The bible says in Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” I found myself in a very different place with these folks. God’s opinion is where I lay my head for rest these days.
My final conversation was with a guy who had no idea who I was, but I knew who he was. He was a guy that had been sexually involved with a guy, while I was actively mentoring that guy. For some reason, God brought him back into my life. When I realized who this guy was, I just wanted to throat punch him, because of the trouble he had caused. I quickly realized though, it wasn’t anger I was feeling, but a mix of emotions. At night’s end, I settled near the corner of “Love him where he’s at and What are you doing God?”
Who are you talking to this week? Where are those conversations leading you? Is God stirring evangelism in your heart? Or is the enemy stirring horny in your loins? Are you tired of struggling with the same old stuff? Are you ready to give up because you feel you are all alone? My conversations led me to Jesus and healing. The bible says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
Let the conversations begin. Let healing flow.
Refuse to spend one more day in the prison of your silence.
Satan Attacks Gender and Marriage
I am not one to don the mask of 'Everything is JUST Fine,' as many in the church world do today. These last few months of ministry have been a real struggle. Finances are consistently tight. As God shapes and molds my character, the stretching heralds the beginning of a new season. I must continually remind myself that no matter how far the world slips away from Jesus, I made a commitment many years ago to be led by scripture and not by my feelings or my homosexual desires. As a rule, I keep an ear to the ground of the gay political scene. Recently, I saw an interesting quote from a gay activist. The quote was in response Kim Davis' incarceration. It read simply, "Don't they know that WE have redefined marriage." To some that may sound progressive and past due. To others, this may signal the coming Apocalypse. To me it demonstrates another example of our spiritual ignorance of God's ways. Man can redefine and has redefined just about every spiritual principle set forth in the bible. That doesn't mean that God has changed His mind. It simply means that us broken humans are getting better at disguising our sin with fancy rhetoric and political correctness. Man may have redefined marriage, but God hasn't and never will. Marriage was set forth by God way back in Genesis as the model of marriage relationships which are between a man and a woman. When God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, He created Eve as a complement to Adam. That was God's original design and throughout scripture He never saw fit to redefine the marriage covenant, because it was His perfect design. Man is responsible for redefining marriage long before now with divorce, adultery and polygamy. Gay marriage is not the only attack on marriage, it's simply the latest way that broken man has seen fit to alter God's original design. Bruce Jenner is not the Anti-Christ bent on redefining gender for all. He is simply the latest prominent face of man’s brokenness apart from Jesus and a small part of satan's all out attack on gender as God established us male and female in Genesis. Every foundational principle set forth in Genesis is under attack. Satan is trying to change the future by destroying the very foundation of Christian faith as set forth by God at creation. I walked away from homosexuality in 1998. It wasn't that long ago, but it was a simpler time. It was easier to share the testimony of leaving my gay life behind, without experiencing out and out hate from the gay community and Christians. In 1998, Christians weren't as deceived as they are today regarding homosexuality. What I find especially troubling is that the gay community thinks that with each legislative stroke of the pen they are winning victory after victory for equal rights. I have to ask, is it really a victory if God and His word are steadily erased from our lives altogether? If you are here looking for hope that there is freedom from homosexuality, then you have come to the right place. My story and others like it may not be welcome in the mainstream media, but God is still letting people hear our voices on blogs, websites and church stages who still preach and believe the word of God. Homosexuality was never my identity. My identity is in Jesus Christ. The only thing that needs redefining are broken lives with self and not Jesus as the focus.
I am encouraged by recent events of young people realizing that a gay life is a life of deception and sin. I recently had a conversation with a young gay man who says he is a Christian. He says he defines his life like this. He is gay until further notice. If God wants to do something about his sexuality, then God will. Gay until further notice is a statement of hope, because God is in the business of redeeming lives caught in the vortex of sin. God is not willing that any man should perish. I truly believe that God is ready and willing to redeem a gay identified generation from the clutches of sexual brokenness.
I love that we are a ministry that prays for the gay and ex-gay community. I love that God leads men to question not redefine broken sexuality every day. Thank you for praying with us as a ministry. Thank you for caring for your gay children and loved ones enough not to leave them in the hands of the enemy, but to go to battle in prayer for their redemption and release.
Decade of Growth
On the Sunday after the SCOTUS ruling, my pastor at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida started off his message with a response. I wasn't sure what he was going to say, but I knew that it would be well thought out, grace filled and built for the future. My pastor is Tim Ingram: Husband, Father, Hero. He isn't the first pastor my church has had. In fact, illuminate church is not even the first name our church has had. Two men have come before Tim. Two church names preceded that. I have attended my current church for 10+ years. Let's just say that my first "set down get to know you" meeting with Tim Ingram wasn't pretty. I was a bitter, angry little man, looking for someone to blame for the hurt I had experienced at the hand of men in the church. Tim agreed to meet me at Cracker Barrel. If it didn't go well, at least I had comfort food to soothe my soul. He listened to my story, fielded my complaints and answered my questions. I left that meeting with my explosive emotions defused, because of his compassion, patience and kind heart. My language that day was not becoming of a Christian man. I might have even caused a few sailors to blush. I wasn't concerned about how he received what I had to say that day. But in all honesty, isn't that what hurt does. It sears our conscience and leads us down a path of destruction.
The truth was that I just needed to be heard by a man in the church. I needed to know that someone, anyone still cared that I was in pain. I didn't need him to fix anything for me, I just needed to be acknowledged. Tim showed me the grace and peace of Jesus that day. I left our meeting knowing that illuminate church would be my church home and that I would follow Tim as my leader.
So many names come to mind when I think of the men at illuminate Church who have shaped my life as a Christian and as a man. Joe Saragusa, my first pastor in Celebration. He told me that if I had a dream for ministry to the gay community, his dream was 5000 times bigger. Garret Balcitis, a youth pastor who taught me how to lead kids to Jesus. He believed in me when I couldn't do that for myself. Bronson Moore, who loved me through all my many phases and faces. And though he was younger than me, God used his wisdom to mold and shape my leadership. Ed Arnold, our Executive pastor who has stood the test of time, loved me when I was unlovable, and who shares his porch, his life, his family and his house with me every time I have a need. Andre Anderson. Nelson Deskins. Bill Nance. Tears are welling up in my eyes, because the list is endless. God has used these men to restore to me the meaning of father, brother, companion, comrade and friend. There was a point where I looked for men in the gay community to complete me or give my life meaning and purpose. I was always left wanting. With Illuminate Church, God has answered the cry of my heart for a place to belong, to be heard, to matter and a place to heal. The men that God has brought through my little church in the past 10 years have time and time again, been the face of Jesus.
I am taking this opportunity to share the message Tim preached on Sunday through the podcast. At Illuminate church we welcome all types. Men like me who have left homosexuality. Men like me who use colorful language a little more than I should. And men and women, who like me who don't always get it right, but try once agiain each morning with the sunrise. If you live in the Orlando area please join us at 10 a.m. on Sundays in Celebration, Florida at Celebration High School in the auditorium.
If you don't live around here and just need a little encouragement, feel free to listen to the podcasts at www.illuminateChurchFL.com
Hier ist mein Zeugnis
Ich war gerade 14 Jahre alt als meine Eltern mich zu einem Vergnügungspark nach Florida mitnahmen. Ich verliebte mich in die Delphine, aber es waren da auch noch andere Tiere, die mich faszinierten. Ich wusste augenblicklich was für einen Beruf ich erlernen werde, wenn ich gross bin. Ich wollte Dompteur werden. Es dauerte lange um meinen Traum zu verwirklichen. Schliesslich brauchten die Kinder Israels auch 40 Jahre um aus der Wüste zu kommen.
Jesus befreite mich aus einer 10 Jahre dauernden Phase von Trauer, Schuld und Scham. Dennoch zu hören, dass Jesus vom Himmel herabkam um mich von ewiger Verdammnis und den feurigen Abgründen der Hölle zu erretten, war des Guten zu viel. Die Rolle meines Lebens ist gut beschrieben wenn ich sage, dass ER stets der Wiederhersteller meines gebrochenen Herzens war. Er war es auch, der mich an den vielen Samstag Abenden nie alleine liess. Für jede Träne die bei mir floss, Tausend Tränen er vergoss. Er kennt mein Herz besser als sonst jemand.
Na, was war denn alles so schlecht? Ein paar wenige, schlecht plazierte Emotionen, die in meine Gedankenwelt katapultiert wurden. Von 18 bis 27 lebte ich als schwuler Mann. Das College war für mich der Katalysator für mein sündiges Leben. Ich hatte mein erstes homosexuelles Erlebnis während dem Frühlingssemester 1990. Ich lebte noch zu Hause und wurde gezwungen zur Kirche zu gehen, wann immer deren Türen offen waren. Das College gab mir die Freiheit, nicht zur Kirche gehen zu müssen. Als ich am College zu studieren begann, schrieb ich meinen Eltern einen Brief wie es mir im College so ginge. Ich wusste, dass mein Vater immer für mich betete.
Die High School war mühsam und ich war isoliert. Ich hatte nur wenige echte Freunde. Ich war der Schwachkopf der Klasse. Ich war nicht der männlichste Junge in der Schule und wurde deswegen auch gehänselt. Das nährte auch Gerüchte über meiner Person. Schon in der 7. Klasse hatte ich einen zweifelhaften Ruf. Ich wurde als Schwul, komischer Kauz und als Weichei bezeichnet. Andere "bestätigende“ Übernamen kamen noch dazu. Furcht und Hass wurden meine neuen und besten Freunde. Diese verbalen Rufschädigungen verwurzelten sich stark in meine Gedanken. Ich begann zu glauben, dass meine Gleichaltrigen recht hatten. Mein Programm nach der Schule war verschiedene Bars abzuklopfen und von Gott rannte ich weg. Ich hoffte, dass Jesus mich vergessen würde und mich mein Leben leben liess. Mein Leben hinein in die Homosexualität begann ganz unschuldig mit Einsamkeit, Wut und einem tiefen Selbstwertgefühl. In vier Jahren zog ich fünf Mal um. Ein Umzug brachte mich in ein Haus, wo ich Hilfe in Anspruch nehmen konnte. Ich dachte, wenn ich umgeben bin von Männern, wird mich das wieder herrichten. Ich war verzweifelt und suchte nach Antworten und war auch bereit alles zu glauben. Nachdem dieses Jahr der Brüderlichkeit fehlgeschlagen war, gab ich alles auf. Ich betete ohne Unterlass, dass Jesus meine Homosexualität wegnehmen würde. Er tat es aber nie. Betete ich also die falschen Gebete? Hörte mir Gott überhaupt zu? Ein anderes Problem war, dass ich mit meinen Zweifeln und Fragen zu Jesus ging, jedoch nicht mit einem offenen Herzen.
Innerhalb von 5 Jahren zog ich durch drei US-Bundesstaaten. Ich fühlte, dass ich meinem Traum näher kam. Ich verschuldete mich und lief weiter weg vom Plan Jesu für mein Leben. Ein paar wenige, kleine, falsch geleitete Schritte wurden zu einem sündhaften Lebensstil, der bei mir rasch ausser Kontrolle geriet. Ich investierte mich physisch und emotionell stark in jeden Mann, den ich traf. Ich suchte verzweifelt nach Liebe und Annahme. Sex schien nur ein Spielzeug der Beziehung zu sein, die ich suchte. Jedes Treffen füllte mich noch mehr mit tiefer Leere. Während dieser Zeit hörte mein Vater nie auf für mich zu beten. Die Bibel sagt, dass am Ende die Menschen, Liebhaber der Freuden werden, anstatt Liebhaber Gottes. Mein Vater sagte mir stets, dass Trennung von Gott ähnlich ist, wie wenn du in einer Menschenmenge bist, dich aber total alleine fühlst. Ein Gedicht, das ich selber schrieb, illustriert es bestens. Völlige Paranoia herrschte in mir. Ich war noch nie so einsam. Der Mensch ist geschaffen um mit Gott zu kommunizieren. Es war nie seine Absicht, den Menschen in der Einsamkeit versinken zu lassen. Als Jesus meine Homosexualität nicht wegnahm, dachte ich, ich müsste so leben. Weil die Bibel aber sagt, dass Homosexualität falsch ist, ist es nicht möglich, dass Homosexualität und Christentum in meinem Leben koexistieren können. Wie auch immer, ich sagte Gott, dass ich als schwuler Mann leben werde, was auch immer passieren möge. Ich traf mich anschliessend mit einem Mann, den ich im Internet kennen gelernt habe. Er rauchte und ich wurde von ihm verbal schwer beleidigt. Das war kein Volltreffer, aber ich wollte Gott etwas beweisen. Als ich sah, dass meine eigene Sicherheit in Gefahr war, brach ich die Beziehung ab. Das war der Anfang vom Ende. Der letzte Mann mit dem ich zusammen war, war ein echter Kumpel. Er war ein Mann, mit dem ich wirklich „herumhängen“ konnte. Er wollte keinen Sex und er rauchte nicht. Und zwei Wochen nachdem wir uns trafen, wollte er mich schon nicht mehr. Wenige Monate später entschied ich diesen Lebensstil zu verlassen und zu Gott zurückzukehren.
Diesmal war mein Gebet einfach und aufrichtig. Ich betete: „Herr, ich habe während 10 Jahren versucht diesen Lebensstil zu pflegen. Ich kann nicht mehr. Es ist nun Zeit, dass du schaust, was du machen kannst. Hier übergebe ich dir alles.“ Es war keine Forderung an Gott, sondern ein Hilfeschrei.
Am 20. Dezember 1998 übergab ich Gott die Herrschaft in meinem Leben. Ich belud mein Auto und liess Mississippi und die Homosexualität hinter mir. Ich bewegte mich auf Gott zu, schleppte aber meine Beine noch hinter mir her. Der Geist war willig, aber das Fleisch war schwach (Matthäus 5,6). Ich brauchte Zeit um im Glauben zu wachsen und auf Gottes Stimme zu hören. Ich schrieb meinen Freunden einen Brief über meine Reise aus der Homosexualität. Schwule Freunde denunzierten mich, christliche Freunde freuten sich und der Rest war verwirrt „Ist es möglich aufzuhören schwul zu sein?“
Jesus vollbrachte ein paar wunderbare Segnungen in meinem Leben. Drei Tage nach meiner Rückkehr nach Oklahoma im Januar 1999, arbeitete ich zusammen mit meinem Vater. Durch diese Zusammenarbeit mit ihm war ich in der Lage eine Beziehung aufzubauen, die mich als Christ und als Mann stärkte und bestätigte. Der Herr war so gegenwärtig in meinem Leben. Er sandte mir einen Schwimmlehrer, er schenkte mir einen Traumjob, womit ich in der Lage war meine Schulden von über 10'000 US$ zurückzuzahlen. Gott begann das Fundament meiner Träume zu bauen. In kürze stellte Jesus mein Leben wieder her. Ich suchte während 10 Jahren Freude und Erfolg in der Welt - umsonst. In weniger als einem Jahr, krempelte der Herr mein Leben um. Es war nicht immer einfach, aber nur der Gehorsam brachte mich zu den Antworten Gottes für mein Herz.
Gott hätte diesen Weg für mich nie ausgewählt. Wie auch immer, Er hat meine Vergangenheit zu seiner Ehre gebraucht. Eines meiner Ziele in meinem Leben ist es, allen homosexuell Betroffenen den Weg aus der Finsternis heraus aufzuzeigen. Ich nannte die Homosexualität einmal den „Cadillac der Sünde“, perfekt in jeder Beziehung. Sie nistet sich sehr früh und bequem ins Leben einer Person ein. Es scheint natürlich, dass wir glauben sie sei genetisch bedingt. Während andere junge Menschen mit dem anderen Geschlecht ihre ersten Erfahrungen machen, beginnt der gleichgeschlechtlich Empfindende sich anders zu fühlen. Da beginnt auch die Isolation. Stellen sie sich einmal vor, in welchem Kampf sich ein Teenager mit seiner Identität befindet. Dazu kommt noch der Faktor einer allfälligen Auseinandersetzung mit homosexuellen Tendenzen. Oft kommen noch Selbstgerechte, die von Verdammnis, anstatt von Heil sprechen und dazu die Angst vor Ablehnung noch schüren.
Nun praktiziere ich das Zölibat seit 1998. Ich habe nach wie vor das Potential in mir zu straucheln. Der Feind geht weiter herum wie ein brüllender Löwe und sucht das nächste Opfer, das er verschlingen kann. Mein tägliches Gehen mit Jesus und meine Zeit, verwurzelt in seinem Wort halten mich auf dem Boden der Realität. Diese Botschaft erscheint einigen vielleicht als Abriss der Intoleranz und der Ignoranz. Für diejenigen die kämpfen, ist es aber eine Botschaft der Hoffnung. Ich habe eine 10-jährige Insiderkarriere als schwuler Mann hinter mir und ich werde die Botschaft von Gottes heilender Kraft weiter kundtun.
Ich habe Gott schon viele Fragen gestellt. Menschen versuchen immer wieder sich auf die Stufe von Gott hochzuheben. Warum erachten wir uns als eine so fortgeschrittene Spezies? Wir brauchen Maschinen um zu fliegen, die Vögel haben Flügel. Wir brauchen Sauerstoffflaschen um zu tauchen, Fische haben Kiemen. Wir benötigen fremde Hilfe um vieles in unseren Leben vollenden zu können. Warum verdrängen wir das Bedürfnis, dass eine Quelle von aussen unsere geistlichen Bedürfnisse stillen muss. Die Tatsache, dass ich mich auf Jesus verlasse und, dass er die Quelle meiner Kraft ist, ist kein Zeichen der Schwäche, sondern macht mich reich. Meinen Glauben wird so gestärkt und ich kann an all seinen Segnungen teilhaben. Was wäre passiert, hätte ich den schwulen Lebensstil „verhindern wollen“ und hätte mich Gott früher ausgeliefert? Ich hätte meine Träume sicherlich früher realisiert. Ich müsste sicherlich nicht die 10-jährigen Erfahrungen aufarbeiten. Der Herr erneuert meine Gedanken täglich, aber der Feind benutzt meine Erinnerungen um mich von Zeit zu Zeit zu bremsen. Tierdompteure haben ein Trainingskonzept, wo sich das Verhalten der Tiere ändert. Ich muss zugeben, dass all die Clubs, die Aufmerksamkeit und all die Kraft aus der Szene mich oft beflügelten. Eines der härtesten Dinge die es gibt, ist es ein Tier so zu trainieren, dass es sich anders verhält als es sich von Natur aus verhalten sollte. Es ist machbar, aber die ganzen Änderungsprozesse sind mit einem grossen Kraftakt verbunden. Ich kann mir nur schwer vorstellen, nun einen 20 oder 30-jährigen Prozess der Veränderung vor mir zu haben. Ich stand dort, wo Teenager stehen, wenn sie mit homosexuellen Neigungen kämpfen. Ich kann aber vertrauensvoll sagen, dass je früher ein homosexueller Lebensstil verlassen wird, je grösser die Chancen sind, sich zu verwirklichen. Da ich den Weg jung herausschaffte, ist es mir gelungen, die gebrochene Beziehung zu meinem Vater wiederherzustellen. Ich kenne Männer, die ihre Väter verloren haben, bevor sie an sich zu arbeiten begannen. Ich habe die Gabe der Jugend noch und ich kann die Teenies noch erreichen, bevor sie die gleichen Fehler wie ich begehen. Der Herr stellt mich gerade in die beste Umgebung, wo ich helfen kann zwischen Väter und ihren Söhnen Brücken zu bauen.
Ich verdiene keine Ehrengoldmedaille für die 10 Jahre die ich in der schwulen Welt lebte. Gott würde es vorziehen, dass wir rein und heilig bleiben. Ich kann diese 10 Jahre, die ich verlor nicht ungeschehen machen. Wie auch immer, Gott kann das, was ich gelernt habe gebrauchen, um zu verhindern, dass andere auf die gleiche Strasse des Verderbens kommen. Ich mache mir grosse Sorgen für die nächste Generation von Menschen mit homosexuellen Neigungen. Viele Eltern haben vergessen, dass ihre Familie eigentlich erste Priorität hat und sie geben auch oft ihre ungelösten Fälle und Wunden ihren Kindern weiter. Kinder widerspiegeln oft die Wut, die Bitterkeit und der Stolz der Eltern. Das sind Emotionen, die zum eigenen Schutz gebraucht werden, um eine Wand aufzubauen zwischen ihnen und der Freiheit einer Beziehung mit Jesus Christus.