Matthew Aaron 9/12/13 Matthew Aaron 9/12/13

Suicidal Thoughts

My introduction to the concept of suicide happened as early as six years old. My mom had locked herself in her room in a fit of deep depression and anger and was threatening to kill herself with my father’s shotgun. I remember sitting in the darkened hallway of my childhood home, crouching against her door in an effort to be close to my mom. That day stood as a beacon of torment in my life for decades. I was crying, begging, pleading with her to stop. She was screaming and crying from the other side of the door as well. Time has thankfully blurred the torturous commentary from my recollection. What I do remember is wondering where my father was that day. Maybe he had experienced this before, but this was my initiation into the world of my mom’s bipolar disorder; and it would affect the rest of my life. Though my mother’s mood swings would never again reach the previous all time low, my life was irrevocably caught in the wake of her mental illness.

Many years later my own thoughts would turn to suicide, but I was already conditioned to being the good son, the straight ‘A’ kid, the boy who always followed the rules. In other words, I scared to do the wrong thing and suicide was extremely wrong in my head. So when I felt myself approaching the point of checking out, there was some part of my psyche that screamed “NO!!!” Though I wasn’t allowed to commit suicide, no one had ever said I couldn’t write about it.

At the age of 19 I authored the following poem, with years of mental, physical and verbal abuse from my mother and my personal struggle with homosexuality as my inspiration.

Death is the Answer 6-2-91

To allow the soul to go on in so much pain is an undoing of the mind.

One quick snap is all that would solve the equation of life and death.

Over and over it turns in one’s mind

What will be added to your side of the equation next?

One side is not like the other

problems + distress + loneliness should be equal to the exactly the same.

But one quick snap could equal them all to a solution.

Click.

Try again another day

Should a person in a cataclysmic mindset be allowed to roam the earth unheard?

It is necessary that they be heard and helped

Lifted up and healed

So much pain dwells in a soul

held captive by a mind and a body

Set the soul free to roam

find its own answers.

One quick snap is all it would take

Click.

Oh…FREEDOM!

The frequency of hurt and pain of my twenties would lend further inspiration to one other poem about suicide. Then life would stabilize a bit, as I left home behind and my mother’s influence.

Within the past few years, suicidal thoughts made a resurgence in my life. They were offered up by satan as an alternative to the hurt and pain that had once again kicked up in my life, because of ministry failures and hurts. I haven’t shared this publicly, but I promised God this would be a blog about my messy Christian life and not a verbal diatribe about “how you too can achieve perfection” like me. What you are about to read is my uncensored heart.

A few years ago, I was unhappy with my job, the ministry was in the garbage and my feelings of inadequacy were skyrocketing. Quite frankly, I hurt more than I breathed. I would have all night Netflix movie parties and lose myself in a fantasy world of Hollywood’s perfect life. I remember how deceptively elegant and crafty, the thoughts of the enemy were during that time. I was bombarded with the thoughts that I should keep my struggle to myself at all costs. “You are the leader of a ministry and you want people to respect you and not think your crazy.” Thoughts like, “You are a man and you’re supposed to be independent and strong.” “You have to do this on your own to prove that you can.” Sound familiar?

Satan used those thoughts to keep me separated from people that could have helped. Perhaps the most disturbing thoughts of all were the ones that came next. “Wouldn’t it be better if you were somewhere else right now?” Simple enough. But he wasn’t leading me to believe I needed a vacation in Hawaii. He was laying the foundation for suicide in my life. Other thoughts eventually came along. “It will be easier if you are somewhere else. Is this all really worth it any way? You are in so much pain.” What scares me the most looking back on that time in my life is that he never mentioned death, or killing myself. The thoughts were comforting and loving in nature, as if whoever was planting them in my head, had my best interest at heart. I can honestly say it was if he was spinning the thoughts into romantic notions of death.

I wasn’t a fallen, backslidden Christian. I was attending church every Sunday and leading others into the presence of God. I was a professing Christian, but I was tormented with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy us my friends. He is out to separate us from loved ones and end our life ever so eloquently. Satan never came to me with horns and a pitchfork. He came just as the bible describes him, an Angel of Light.

This week we remember those whose lives were ripped away before they could be fully lived. I would also like to encourage anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide, to talk about it with a trusted friend. The enemy may be whispering to you that no one cares, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is at least one person who gave His life, so that we would have the chance to live ours to the fullest. His name is Jesus. Your life was created on purpose for a purpose. You may not have found that purpose yet, but let me encourage you as someone who was courted by death. Life may be difficult right now, but if today is the worst day you have ever had, tomorrow has the potential to be a wee bit better. Hold on. Reach out. Live life. Jesus has come so that we have life and life more abundantly.

Matthew Aaron 8/1/13 Matthew Aaron 8/1/13

Gospel of the Influentials

As I hung up the phone, I got that familiar sinking feeling in my gut. The young man on the other end of the line had shared his homosexual struggle and the desire to simply embrace those desires and “be happy”. He was calling to, in his words “pick my brain”. Recent news concerning gay marriage, the closing of Exodus, confusing rhetoric on being gay and Christian and the pope’s confusing declaration concerning the gay community and gay priests had generated much confusion.

As the gay community celebrates victory after victory, those of us who walked away from homosexuality are not only under fire by gay right’s advocates, but are also caught in the crosshairs of the church as well. Post conversation with this kid I was awash with frustration yet a sense of peace. These perceived victories have sent shockwaves through what was already an unstable community of believers. Believers trapped in a “Bermuda Triangle” of their unwanted same sex attractions, their love of Jesus and a world that has discarded the truth of God’s words in favor of following The Gospel According to the Influentials; men and women of power and charisma using their influence to coerce the church into reconsidering it’s biblical stance on homosexuality.

Paul writes about a perverted gospel in Galatians 1:6-8. 6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!”

Paul was addressing the Galatians act of switching from a faith-based walk to one based on works. Yet this passage parallels the modern day war being waged against biblical truth by the gay agenda. The scriptures “turning to a different gospel”, “some people are throwing you into confusion” and “trying to pervert the gospel” are reminiscent of the tactics being used against churches and Christians who stand up for biblical truth about homosexuality.

Paul goes on to say in verse 8 that “even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!” This was so important that Paul restated his point in verse 9. Paul knew that satan would come against God’s truth in an effort to pervert the gospel. I shared this same concept with my young friend concerning his sexual struggle. We must live according to the truth of God’s word concerning our same sex attractions and not the emotionally based, spiritual-esque opinions of influential “political” leaders.

No doubt the pope is a very influential person, but he’s still a click or two below the angels. Paul says that if “anyone” preaches a different gospel other than the one that has been preached, that there are consequences for that deception. In regards to the church and homosexuality my friends, I represent to you that a different gospel is being preached. Confusion is run amuck in the minds of young men stuck between gay and Christian; a false gospel is being preached by some very influential HUMANS.

I also shared my perspective with my friend on being gay and “Christian”. Jesus says this in Luke 9:23, “Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’ ” Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Jesus Christ is not one aspect of our lives. If we are Christians, Jesus Christ is Lord of our life. He won’t share His our heart with the sin in our lives. It doesn’t matter whom the next influential person to stand up and share their opinion is. As Christians we must measure everything against the absolute truth of the Bible. Any word contrary to scripture is to be ignored, not exalted.

There has been no greater time in the history of the church that the following scripture has resonated with truth and clarity as now. 2 Timothy 4:3 “For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” We are living in a time, where man’s desires and worldly opinion are being given greater deference from the “Christian” pulpit than the Word of God.

I share these truths as a man who: surrendered his sexuality to God and whose heart beats with compassion for those trapped by their same sex attractions. I adhere to 1 Corinthians 6:10, which says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

For the "gay kids" out there struggling to resolve the conflict of your sexuality and your Christianity, there is hope for freedom. 1 Corinthians 6:8-11 “…Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men…will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

Jesus Christ mercifully delivered me out of a life He never chose for me, but through the deception of the enemy, I chose for myself. I still believe that we “…can do all things through Christ who strengthens…” us. That includes living a life controlled by Jesus and not by our same sex attractions.

Matthew Aaron 7/12/13 Matthew Aaron 7/12/13

He Chose Me

2:32 am- I can't sleep. I just wrote to my cousin in Oklahoma. He is much younger than me. We tried to connect once when I was home, but he is gay and I am ex gay and he tells me I treated him like a project in our short interaction. I have since apologized, but we don't exchange Christmas cards yearly. I felt like I was supposed to share my day with him. It was a great day in ministry for me. Skype guy in Alabama: Cry, Pray, Encourage. Skype guy in Kazakhstan:Learn Russian, Pray, Encourage, Rebuke, Love on him. Received a call from a girl I know about a guy friend who is gay and was severely beaten by his boyfriend in a drunken rage. It was severe enough that the guy moved out, closed down his facebook and is searching for God, spirituality or answers now. I received a call to pray about this guy. We'll call him Drew. She didn't call me praising God that maybe through this trauma Drew will turn straight. She called me hoping that Drew will now turn to Jesus. She called me to pray. And pray I did. While we do believe that there is freedom from homosexuality, our prayer and ministry focus isn't "Get 'em Straight!" It's "Get 'em Jesus!". My second call of the day was from a dad who needed some advice about how to handle his son's homosexuality, porn use and lies. The dad had cooked up some pretty dire consequences for the boy if the bad decisions and behavior continue. I talked him down off a ledge and simply encouraged him to love his son in the midst of a situation that the dad doesn't understand. I encouraged him to take the extreme consequences off the table and instead put forgiveness back on it and a little tough love. Whether the kid is gay or straight, porn is not appropriate for anyone at any age. Also hanging out in certain places on the internet where sketchy adults can lurk, whether you are a straight young lady or a gay young man, is not a good idea. At the end of the day, any child under 18 is entrusted to a parent by God. Like it or not kids, the parents are responsible to God for how they instruct and guide you. If you don't like it, McDonalds is hiring and there is a nice apartment for rent next to the liquor store and local hoochie house. As an added bonus, I have another friend visiting from out of town, who I will be watching the sunset with in 3 hours 33 minutes. Once we have witnessed this amazing view that only God could paint, then we will chatting about Jesus and exactly what a surrendered life looks like. I met this kid years ago at an Exodus Conference. I was his small group leader. He started off his introduction by telling me that he didn't like small groups too much. He didn't plan on sharing or talking and that was that. Well the Holy Spirit and I worked our magic and I have had the privilege of pouring into this young man's life for many years now. Praise God!

So that was my day. Better than any dolphin foot push, killer whale waterwork or the applause of the most affirming crowd I have ever experienced. I didn't make one red cent for my work today, but I feel like a millionaire, because God chose me to do this ministry. He chose me to love on gay kids who want out of the gay life and gay kids who don't. He chose me to love on gay couples who have been together 14 years and those who have separated, because they have heard the call of God on their lives. He chose me to share the love of Jesus, where the name of Jesus can't yet be spoken. This is the best life ever. He chose me!

Matthew Aaron 7/1/13 Matthew Aaron 7/1/13

Everlasting Echoes of Truth

I am still in shock about Exodus International closing. One of my students shared his testimony today at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida. It was perfect. No one prepped the crowd. He simply told how he had moved in with his boyfriend. Then Jesus led him to the realization that he couldn’t be both gay and Christian. Something had to give. Jesus won out. There were no audible gasps. No one left the room. When Alan Chambers spoke about the role of the church as Exodus closes, he said that churches are now ready to fill the void. I believe my church, Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida is one of those churches. Are we FULLY ready? No. Are we asking the right questions and pressing in to Jesus? Yes. I spent 20 minutes talking to my pastor’s wife today about Exodus. She wanted to know the what, why and how behind the closing. I gave her a brief synopsis. Then as if cued by the Holy Spirit, she began to quote some of the same ideas and realizations about the situation that God had revealed to me. No organization can step up and do the work the church needs to do and that includes building relationships with the wounded and shepherding them in their walk with Jesus. Then the pastor’s wife asked me a question I could not answer. I know that as a church and a ministry we will one day do our best to answer it together.

“How do we as a church, communicate the love of Jesus Christ to the gay community while still sharing the truth of God’s word concerning the sin of homosexuality?”

We can’t occupy either of the two extremes: all love and hyper-grace or supreme condemnation and fear. There must be balance in our approach, leaving the one size fits all mentality to K-Mart Moo-moos and Cooking Aprons.

I got so mad at Alan Chambers that my judgment was clouded. I didn’t understand. I still don’t. HONESTY ALERT!!! My reaction to the closure of Exodus meant that I had placed my faith and trust in an organization. Exodus had become somewhat of an idol to me. I was angry that there was chaos where there had once been peace. That is when the conviction of the Holy Spirit came in. “God is where you place your faith and trust.” With Exodus gone, I could focus my eyes back on God.

When I calmed, I was reassured in a text from Alan that no matter what we are still friends. Yes, that is right. Alan Chambers is my friend. He gave me my first job in this ministry. He hired me as the Emcee for the 2002 Exodus Freedom Conference. Alan has introduced me to several young men that I have mentored over the years. He has given me advice. We’ve shared more than one lunch at the Cracker Barrel near the office. Alan Chambers has been a hero in my life.

I think of other names around Exodus when I began my walk out of homosexuality. John Paulk and John Smid. John Paulk co-authored the book, “Love Won Out”. He recently came out apologizing for his work with Exodus. It didn’t phase me. Here’s why. John Paulk spoke of freedom from homosexuality and Jesus at a time when I needed to hear it most. Just because he doesn’t believe it any more, doesn’t mean that the truth of God’s word about homosexuality is any less true.

John Smid mentored me at a time when I needed guidance and the viewpoint from a wiser man in this walk. He instilled in me the excitement of a life surrendered to Jesus. Both these guys have recanted most of the statements they made over the last decade, concerning Exodus ministry, but it was too late for me to be swayed by the new “gospel” they’re preaching. They had already led me to the only gospel that ever mattered; the message of Jesus Christ.

My friends, the bible says that if possible in the last days, even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived. Before you point fingers at any of the men above, go take a look in the mirror. You could very well be next. satan is alive and well. He can tempt and deceive any of us. Don’t single out heroes that have fallen, but instead pray for them. Pray for yourself that you don’t fall victim to the schemes of the enemy. 1 Peter 5:8 says it best, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

Ultimately, it’s the message of the bible, not any ministry that is to shape and guide our lives. Do I believe you can be gay and Christian? I’ll let another one of my heroes, Joe Dallas, answer that question with a scripture he quoted. Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Obedience in EVERY area of our lives is the key. Obedience- doing what the bible says is right, even when our heart, hormones and friends try to steer us off course. The bible is not the menu at Burger King. You can’t “have it your way”. A life in Christ is all or nothing.