The Road Ahead
So, I met a lady at a party the other night. I will just let that rest there as you predict the potential outcome of this post.
Some of you are praising God that your prayers have been answered, while others of you are immediately beginning to pray that this mystery woman has patience. A larger portion of you are waiting for the punch line.
So, I met a lady at a party the other night. Her name is Jenny. She introduced me to another woman named Jenny; her wife. When I hear a women talk about her wife or a man talk about his husband, it hits a part of my brain that is less shock and more intrigue. I have been introduced to plenty of same-sex wives and husbands. It is simply the sign of the age in which we reside.
Meeting the two Jennys led me down a path of retrospection. If things had been different, I would have married my longtime boyfriend in 1996. And 20 years later Iwould be introducing my husband, Joseph. That gave me pause for thought. To be honest, my first thought wasn't "thank God I didn't get married to a man." My first thought was more selfish in nature; "Thank God I didn't get married, because I wouldn't have enjoyed the freedom of a single life for the last 20 years." Whether I had married a man or a woman, is inconsequential when it comes to freedom. Life decisions are different when it's you alone at the head of the board room, rather than you, your spouse and a few kids all weighing in with their opinions.
While the world is celebrating marriage for one and all, I have to say that each time I see a gay couple together, my heart aches for them. Label me a hater, I don't care. It's isn't a judgment call. I have been where they are and beyond. I know that gay marriage is not in God's plan for His creation. I know the human desire to live a normal life intermingled with the complications of homosexual desires.
In case you were wondering, I didn't wake up one day and want to marry a man. By the time I got to the point, I had been through a myriad of conversations and decisions about my homosexual desires. Wanting to marry a man came after a thousands of compromises, daily shame and heartbreak and many acts of settling for less. I never thought I could leave homosexuality behind. I didn't want to live in the Christian worldwhere they seemed to hate me, so I made the best life I could in the mess of my broken sexuality. I look back now and know that it was only the prayers of my father that kept me from succumbing fully to the deception of homosexuality. If you are a praying parent, do not stop praying and fighting for your child. The bible says that the effectual, fervent prayers of a righteous person avails much.
I think that in today's culture, there is so much acceptance promoted and demanded for all things gay, that gay people get to the marriage decision a lot sooner than I did. I am thankful I had time to wrestle between the religions of homosexuality and Christianity. All these years later, I have a faith with Jesus and a walk out of homosexuality that were forged in the fires of trial and error; safe from angry, belligerent gays and angrier Christians who took "the bible is a sword" scripture way, too, seriously. The gay community goes after anyone with even an inkling of sexual struggle these days, expecting them to claim citizenship under one of the ever-growing collection of initials in the LGBTQ+ moniker.
This year I celebrate that 19 years ago on December 22, 1998, I said no longer will I run from God. No longer will I believe the lie that I was born gay or that gay is a reasonable compatriot of heterosexuality. No longer could I continue to believe something about myself that God didn't believe or orchestrate. I didn't leave homosexuality behind easily. I had to take action. There was a point where I had to stop waffling between the two great ideologies raging within me and freakin' PICK SOMETHING to believe in.
In the gospels, Jesus appears to his disciples after his crucifiction on the beach. After the death of Jesus, their friend and teacher, they had returned to their old lives as fishermen. I imagine that they were paralyzed with hopelessness and grief. What I find compelling and encouraging is Jesus's actions towards Peter. The weight of what Peter had done weighed heavily on him. He carried the weight of his sin into his interaction with Jesus. Jesus, in turn, brought something unexpected. Jesus reminded Peter of their bond and welcomed him to the next season of growth, despite his sinful past.
The Lord is doing the same for me. I am currently spending time some time on the shore with Jesus. He is calling me to a new season of growth. To lay down over 40 years of struggle and follow Him with a renewed spirit. He has called me to make decisions to free myself of the obstacles I have allowed to take root in my heart and to trust Him to do the necessary surgery on my soul. He is reminding me that before I was an earthly son, a minister, an ex-gay or an executive director, He is my savior and I am His chosen disciple. I feel the freest I have ever felt. Considering the Lord delivered me from the idea that I was gay for 27 years, that is saying a lot. As I divulge myself of the things that have kept me bound, I step into a new season, a new beginning and land where excuses stand between me and my ultimate purpose.
This new season is best described by an idea my pastor birthed a few weeks back. The life of a Christian is simply this.
Jesus. All day. Every day.
Little Rainbow That Could
Do you ever feel completely lost in the world? Like some outside source has pressed pause on your life, as the rest of the world races about. I am in a Starbucks in Toronto. From Toronto to Orlando, it appears that Rainbow flag manufacturers have been working overtime. This part of Toronto is steeped in gay culture. While some folks are completely at home in such a place, I'm a little apprehensive and to be honest, a little hopeless. There are Canadian, rainbow flags, bank advertisements, businesses and even governmental organizations all proclaiming alliance with the gay community by the simple juxtaposition of their logos with rainbow flags. One ATM stop sported a rainbow bulls-eye painted on the sidewalk and bank building. In order to get cash you had to stand in the center of the rainbow. I thought, how prophetic, every human stands in the epicenter of rainbow-ic influence. It is all around us.
Almost overnight, LGBT influence grew exponentially, after the mass shooting in Orlando. The message of freedom from homosexuality that I preach, was shunned before, but most politely disagreed. Now any word spoken in opposition to the LGBTQ ideology stands a good chance of facing outright, religious persecution. When banks and businesses invest in promoting the gay agenda, they have power to negatively impact the lives of anyone who has an unfavorable opinion of the proliferation of gay influence. Can you imagine the power or the persecution if a bank or business tried to use it’s influence to proclaim the name of Jesus?
What might have initially started out as a push for equal rights has now festered into an all out push for influence, dominance, and ultimately power in the marketplace. Those influencing public opinion from gay circles aren't out to equalize culture. They are out to become the dominate voice in all rhetoric regarding sex, sexuality and religion, stifling all dissenting opinions by whatever means necessary.
Toronto has been eye opening. Yesterday in one part of the city there was a Jesus-fest and in another, people celebrating gay Pride. Interestingly enough, a group of influential people in the city tried to stop the Jesus event, but many petitioned and Jesus won. Imagine the backlash if Christian leaders had attempted to squelch the Pride event?
We are facing a time, not only in our country, but in the world where Christians need to be doing two things simultaneously. We need to be on our knees in prayer for the lost, not just for those in the gay community, but the lost in general. We must also continue to speak the name of Jesus and share our testimonies, despite the persecution. Hebrews 13:6 says "...so that I may say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not fear what man can do to me." Every human needs Jesus. Not allah. Not Buddha. Not Love, Light and positive energy, for goodness sakes that sounds like a description for a new Microwave, anyway. Just Jesus. If we, as Christians presented a more approachable demeanor, maybe the lost would leave their false gods and flock to the voice of the One True God.
Not so many years ago, it was Christians proclaiming their faith in the public sector, while gay men and women celebrated quietly and cautiously in silence. I should know. I was one of those men, scared and afraid of Christians and suffering in silence. Now, many Christians share their faith with great trepidation, as the world proclaims allegiance and alliance with the LGBT gods. No person should cower in fear from another. Neither should the gay community call the stifling of Christian beliefs, tolerance, when their actions are more indicative of a dictatorship.
Christians must bring Jesus to the world in an effective way. The bible says that an effective, fervent prayer will accomplish much. It’s presumptuous to expect the world to come find Jesus where we are. Some of them have been to our churches and for whatever reason have left. Those who haven't been to our churches base their opinions off conversations with unsatisfied, church customers.
Whatever the case, someone has got to swallow their pride and reach over the burgeoning wall that's been under construction for decades. They may steeped in Pride, but we are seasoned with the Holy Spirit. Greater is He is that is in us people, than he that is in the world. Remember? The word calls us to leave the 99 and search for the one. Jesus says, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel.” He never said, fight to prove you are right.
I think of the scripture in Ephesians 6:12 that says "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Satan is the enemy. Humans are affected by the spiritual influences whether they believe in it or not. We believe, so we know how to fight for the lost, even as they hate and disagree with us. They are still beloved by God and so talented and gifted by God.
Even though I feel deep love and pity for my gay friends, I am troubled to see Orlando synonymous with the rainbow flag. It is a Godly symbol that has been hijacked by the gay community and promotes oppression and rebellion, not freedom. My heart aches as a banner of brokenness flies over Orlando. Yet, I am reminded that the hurting and lost need our prayers, not resentment and cold shoulders. My church and others have stepped up to embrace the needs of those affected by the tragedy. A tragedy committed against a community I used to call home. I am grateful that churches are placing value on individual lives. I still have friends in the gay community. I would mourn their loss if they were senselessly taken from this world.
Satan uses every angle to drive a wedge between God and the God’s creation. He uses death and destruction. He occasionally dabbles in emotional manipulation. Ministry to the LGBTQ+ community will look different in Orlando going forward. As a Christian man who walked away from the sin of homosexuality, I am called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. That gospel calls people to repent of their sin, not tolerate it. For sure I will offend with tales of my journey, though not my intention. The gospel is offensive, because it points out our carnal nature and commands us to live better. When Oprah says live better everyone cheers. Let Jesus speak the same words and people start reaching for their stones. Yet, the gospel can be preached with love and compassion more effectively than with anger and vengeance.
I believe that a time of persecution is coming for Christians in America who speak the truth in regards to all sin. If they would begin to speak the truth rather than slink into silence. God is our fortress in times of trouble. The enemy of God seeks to destroy lives and attack anyone who lives according to the gospel of Christ. God does not leave us hopeless and lost. He sent Jesus as the answer to the question of our sin. He also gave us commandments in his word.
“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land.” -2 Chronicles 7:14
My Heart. Pulse Shooting.
I’m currently in Anchorage, Alaska, 4 hours behind my home city of Orlando. Orlando, a city whose every heartbeat centers around theme parks and attractions. The world vacations here. As the world looks on, tragedy breached our walls. I woke this morning to texts of “Are you okay?” and “Have you heard the news?”. I was transported back to the morning of the Oklahoma City Bombing. I was awakened by a friend to tragic news from my home state. This type of evil is not something you get used to. It is a loss that steals your breath away and freezes your soul to the core. I have been in ministry to the gay and ex-gay community, since I walked away from homosexuality in 1998. After spending 1999 in Oklahoma I moved to Orlando in January of 2000. I fell in love with Orlando. Nothing closes for long. There is something to do every moment of the day. A year after I moved, American lives would change forever as terrorists stole away our national security and momentarily, our confidence to travel by air. I worked for Sea World at the time and on 9/12 there were 400 people in the park. It appeared that evil had won. Orlando was quiet for a few months, as if holding our breath in anticipation of what was next.
Fast forward to these past few days. As I texted one friend after another and found them safe, my heart quieted a bit. The ominous weight of death plagued my heart for days. This senseless, barbaric tragedy happened in my city, to my community. Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Orlando. There are young men and women in their 20’s and 30’s who entered eternity last night. There are family’s deprived of brothers, sisters, uncles, fathers and daughters. Someone’s little girl will never come home again. Unspoken words will never be voiced. That should cause each of us a moment of pause for prayer. Now is the time to mourn for those who lost their lives, minister to the wounded and step alongside families experiencing loss. If we can be the church to the LGBTQ+ community in Orlando, then evil will not triumph and we will be true servants of Jesus.
I have had the privilege of doing life together with a few gay men in Orlando. I have witnessed their God-given gifts at work. I have experienced their talents at theme parks and church services alike. Like it or not, I have given guidance to young men about abusive boyfriends, breakups, divorce and suicidal thoughts. I have hugged and held them when they were hurting and supplied them with furniture, food, time and tears. In short, I have given them my heart. One doesn’t have to agree with another's sexual orientation to share Jesus with a world in pain. My years as a gay man, serve as a reference library as I minister Jesus to the LGBTQ+ community.
How much longer can we be Christians who worship God openly on Sunday, yet hide Him away for the rest of our week? If we can meet a human need and we choose not to do so, the bible calls that sin. You might find yourself asking, "Do I have a ministry?" The answer is yes. If you have a heart and a voice, you are equipped to minister to the victims of this heinous crime. God tells us to go into all the world and preach the gospel. Satan has brought the fight to our city. He has taken loved ones and souls from us, who are dear to God.
20 years ago I could have easily been one of those young people in that club. I grew up in a Christian home. I knew all the right things to say and do. I had also been hurt and wounded by the church and most, every man I encountered. I didn't set out, looking to be sinful. I was looking for a safe place to belong and be valued; to quiet the source of my raging pain. I was running from demons inside my head. The clubs were my safe places. They still are to many men and women in the gay community today.
Christian friends and family. It’s not time to picket and criticize. It is time to pray that Jesus would reach your gay friend or loved one them with the message of eternal life. Find out the name of every club in your city, gay or straight, and commit to pray over them. Google the club addresses, get in your car and commit an act of drive by praying. Some people go clubbing for a night of partying, but for some in the gay community the bar is their church, social club, home away from home and a refuge from the world. Lest we forget how many safe places we retreated to before Jesus finally led us home. Respond with grace. Listen well. Share the truth of the gospel. Pray relentlessly for the lost souls. They may not know what's at stake. We do.
To my gay friends and their families. I am deeply, sorry for your loss. I may have physically left the gay community, but my heart remains for those who are alienated, rejected and wounded. May God bless you and keep you safe. I pray that you will experience the love of Christians around you and that each of you would experience the love of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ loves you. God loves you. If you have been marginalized by the Christian community, I pray that the Holy Spirit would not only comfort you, but draw you to a loving church community. I pray you would experience the true nature of God. I pray against any enemy that would steal, kill and destroy further. That each and every one of the remaining survivors would experience full recovery. I praise God that so many people were able to escape the club safely. May God guide the hand of the doctors working to save lives. May you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit as we begin to heal as a city. I pray all this in the name of Jesus.
Back in the Pool
On the short commute to church, a song came on the radio that I really like. Considering that our local Christian station still plays "hits" from Amy Grant's first LP, it was quite odd. I remember saying "I love this song" out loud and asked my friend to turn it up. He misheard me and never changed the volume, so I tuned everything else out and focused on intently listening to the song. To my surprise the music seemed to grow in volume. Each word fell on my ears with greater clarity than before. When the song ended, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.
He said that getting close to God is like what I had just done trying to hear to my song. It wasn't about asking God to get louder thus drowning out the noise of my life. It is about pressing in to hear God's voice at the level He is currently speaking, while letting the cacophony of life fade away. I sat there dumbfounded. In a split second, God had deposited a thought so simple, yet so profound into my life; press in to God and the cares of this world will fade away.
During church, our pastor's wife, Christine, got up to share an encouraging story. Her story bore the same spiritual DNA as my God encounter in the car. God was trying to teach me something. I asked her to share her story, in writing. Here is what she shared.
"As a Florida girl, a swimming pool and a sunny afternoon were the perfect combination most months out of the year. I loved to swim! I loved the crazy activity of it: diving, cannonballs, Marco Polo with my brother. I could be found with stickers on and baby oil to get a 'tattoo' from the sun on occasion. But what I loved the most was putting on goggles and slipping down to the bottom of the shallow end of the pool, laying there for as long as I could hold my breath. I would release air slowly so I could sink to the bottom and not struggle to stay down. I could see the bright sun differently breaking through the clear water. There were hardly any other noises and in the silence, the view was captivating to me. That kind of 'full immersion' allowed a different viewpoint of the very, same sky I was under day after day.
Just over 3 years ago, we celebrated the birth of our third child, Eli, our bonus baby. He is a blessing unexpected; a gift beyond our wildest dreams. In the weeks following his birth, in the midst of sleepless nights, disconnection from church and friends, and the normal routine of life of connected with God through worship and the Word, a darkness crept into the vacancy and threatened to steal my joy, my song.
The song of my life is the testimony and love letter written on my heart by God himself. It's chorus full of the remembrance of who God is and how real He has been and continues to be in my life. It is the testimony of Him: pursuing me, rescuing me, redeeming me and saving me. It is the power of His presence to change and remold me over and over. To be more like Him, as I yield to His strong and gentle hands. The more time that passed for me, "out of the pool" so to speak, of worship and relationship with God, the harder it was to remember my letter or sing my song. In the quiet of the night during a middle of the night feeding, the Lord whispered to me,
"Get back in the pool"
Slip under the abundant waters of grace, mercy, presence, truth, and power
Sink to the bottom
Breathe out the cares, needs, questions and fears long enough to see and hear Him clearly again
And an amazing thing happened...
I found my song and began to sing it again."
Vomit, Dancing and a 4 a.m. Wakeup Call
Ever so often I ask a friend to write a guest blog to share with my readers. Here is a guest blog from a friend of mine named Samuel. He writes a blog which you can read at www.BrotherBarr.wordpress.com. Here is a little of Samuel's story and journey so far. I want to take you on a journey, hoping you will arrive at the same place of freedom I did. The journey isn’t pleasant, but it was what I needed to open my eyes and heart to my dire need for God and His saving grace. I wish I could say that it will be the last journey through darkness that I will ever take. Only God knows for sure. Nevertheless, I do know that going through the darkness with God is nowhere near as lonely and scary as it was going through it without Him. That was my life before I accepted Christ as my savior. It was definitely the loneliest and darkest time of my life.
This journey began 8 years after my salvation. I was living out the Proverbs 26:11 life once again, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” Doing the very things I did not want to do. Can you relate? Paul could. Romans 7:19 ”For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” I had recently returned from Georgia where I was a part of a ministry that helps people deal with hurts, habits and hang-ups. I was living a blessed, simple life of serving God and loving it. Unfortunately, I had already begun to backslide and reopen doors to the enemy. Hindsight always gives us 20/20 vision. If I had only drawn close to God and stayed authentically connected to healthy people, I could have saved myself, and my loved ones a lot of heartache and pain. Instead, I ran back to Florida.
I returned to Florida to care for my mother who was having some health issues. At least that is what it looked like to everyone else. I knew I was already running full steam away from God and His plan for my life. Reminds me of Jonah 1:3 “But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD.” My emphasis added. I have heard it put this way. When we choose to run from the Lord, the enemy will make sure we have transportation and it always cost us. My ship was my mom and the fare I paid was my peace and freedom. It wasn't long before I was dancing around the enemy's campfire, once again. Every demon that had been evicted returned with a vengeance, and brought buddies. Sound familiar? Luke 11:26 “Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.” Gratefully, it was only a year before God's mercy and grace brought me to repentance, yet again, but the damage was done: physical, financial, mental and spiritual damage as well. This was Spring of 2010.
Later that Spring my mom and I decided, for various reasons, to relocate from Tampa Bay to Ft. Myers. Most importantly were my brother and his family. They could offer some emotional support for my mother and I while I restarted the process of working on my issues. I also had a great church and recovery family, which I had established back in 2007 prior to moving to Georgia. There were so many blessings in moving to Ft. Myers, but it would be some time before I would begin to see them and accept them as God's grace and protection.
I was blind to the blessings for a few reasons. Some I was aware of while others were hidden and deeply rooted. One major reason was the hope that being Christian and gay was ok in God's eyes. The truth was that as long as I held on to this or anything that God had asked me to surrender, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I wasn’t living by His word. God is always faithful to His Word, every part of it. I am called to be faithful to every part, as well, even the parts I don't understand or agree with. Despite my disobedience He was patient and continued to love me. That is what He does. Deep in my heart I knew that being Christian and gay was not part of God's plan for my life. Ever have that feeling about a particular sin yet still try to rationalize it away? Have you truly ever searched your heart, or asked God to? Psalm 139:23-24a “Search me O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me.” If we are serious about living a life that is pleasing to God then we have to pray those exact words and mean it. I know I did.
God continued to speak to me regarding the junk I was holding on to. One night in 2010, before moving to Ft Myers, near the end of a relapse, we were visiting my brother. What you may not know about my relapses is that they involved addiction to Meth, a.k.a. the “devil’s drug”. Coming down from a relapse means restoring order to the chaos of my destructive behaviors: insomnia and a diet of water and candy. The restoration involves multiple hours of sleeping with brief moments of waking and eating. Then quickly returning to sleep. I needed my sleep. I loved my sleep. So I knew that it was God that woke me up at 4 a.m. one morning and spoke these words to me, “Sam, you make so much of your struggle. I am not concerned as much about your struggle as I am about you.” It was a simple, yet profound statement.
It would take another 4 years before I would grasp the totality of that statement. If I could only focus on God as much as I was focusing on my sin, then God could do what He promised and I could begin to walk in His freedom. I had become so blinded by pride that the lies I believed became truth for me. If I could have only gotten my eyes off myself, my sin and the world and fixed them back on Jesus, I could have taken hold of the promises in His word. The only thing that got my eyes off myself, was hitting rock bottom again and again. Have you hit your rock bottom yet?
In February 2014, I found myself hitting rock bottom a fourth time since relocating to Ft. Myers. It had been over a year since the last relapse. This time it was darker and deeper. I found myself living in my car, by my choice, eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking ginger ale. I walked away from a successful career, friends and family that loved me, a great apartment and many blessings. It is still hard for me to believe how blinded by lies I had become. All God was asking me to do was trust and surrender to His plan for my life. Looking back now, He wasn't asking that much. Why I thought for a minute that my way was better or that the world had something better to offer is beyond me. What lies do you still believe? Do you believe that your way is better than God's? Or that the world has something better to offer?
Thankfully, today, I find myself learning to live wholly surrendered. Trusting Him fully is still a daily struggle, but I am learning to do so moment-by-moment, struggle-by-struggle. I am doing my best to seek God first. I ask Him daily to guide me, to search my heart and help me see things from His perspective. Not only do I know, with my head, but I also believe, with my heart, that God has a plan for my life. I confidently believe that God is taking the chaos of my struggles, pains and hurts and using my gifts and talents to create a beautiful symphony of purpose.
Are you ready to begin your journey of freedom?
Satan Attacks Gender and Marriage
I am not one to don the mask of 'Everything is JUST Fine,' as many in the church world do today. These last few months of ministry have been a real struggle. Finances are consistently tight. As God shapes and molds my character, the stretching heralds the beginning of a new season. I must continually remind myself that no matter how far the world slips away from Jesus, I made a commitment many years ago to be led by scripture and not by my feelings or my homosexual desires. As a rule, I keep an ear to the ground of the gay political scene. Recently, I saw an interesting quote from a gay activist. The quote was in response Kim Davis' incarceration. It read simply, "Don't they know that WE have redefined marriage." To some that may sound progressive and past due. To others, this may signal the coming Apocalypse. To me it demonstrates another example of our spiritual ignorance of God's ways. Man can redefine and has redefined just about every spiritual principle set forth in the bible. That doesn't mean that God has changed His mind. It simply means that us broken humans are getting better at disguising our sin with fancy rhetoric and political correctness. Man may have redefined marriage, but God hasn't and never will. Marriage was set forth by God way back in Genesis as the model of marriage relationships which are between a man and a woman. When God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, He created Eve as a complement to Adam. That was God's original design and throughout scripture He never saw fit to redefine the marriage covenant, because it was His perfect design. Man is responsible for redefining marriage long before now with divorce, adultery and polygamy. Gay marriage is not the only attack on marriage, it's simply the latest way that broken man has seen fit to alter God's original design. Bruce Jenner is not the Anti-Christ bent on redefining gender for all. He is simply the latest prominent face of man’s brokenness apart from Jesus and a small part of satan's all out attack on gender as God established us male and female in Genesis. Every foundational principle set forth in Genesis is under attack. Satan is trying to change the future by destroying the very foundation of Christian faith as set forth by God at creation. I walked away from homosexuality in 1998. It wasn't that long ago, but it was a simpler time. It was easier to share the testimony of leaving my gay life behind, without experiencing out and out hate from the gay community and Christians. In 1998, Christians weren't as deceived as they are today regarding homosexuality. What I find especially troubling is that the gay community thinks that with each legislative stroke of the pen they are winning victory after victory for equal rights. I have to ask, is it really a victory if God and His word are steadily erased from our lives altogether? If you are here looking for hope that there is freedom from homosexuality, then you have come to the right place. My story and others like it may not be welcome in the mainstream media, but God is still letting people hear our voices on blogs, websites and church stages who still preach and believe the word of God. Homosexuality was never my identity. My identity is in Jesus Christ. The only thing that needs redefining are broken lives with self and not Jesus as the focus.
I am encouraged by recent events of young people realizing that a gay life is a life of deception and sin. I recently had a conversation with a young gay man who says he is a Christian. He says he defines his life like this. He is gay until further notice. If God wants to do something about his sexuality, then God will. Gay until further notice is a statement of hope, because God is in the business of redeeming lives caught in the vortex of sin. God is not willing that any man should perish. I truly believe that God is ready and willing to redeem a gay identified generation from the clutches of sexual brokenness.
I love that we are a ministry that prays for the gay and ex-gay community. I love that God leads men to question not redefine broken sexuality every day. Thank you for praying with us as a ministry. Thank you for caring for your gay children and loved ones enough not to leave them in the hands of the enemy, but to go to battle in prayer for their redemption and release.
Decade of Growth
On the Sunday after the SCOTUS ruling, my pastor at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida started off his message with a response. I wasn't sure what he was going to say, but I knew that it would be well thought out, grace filled and built for the future. My pastor is Tim Ingram: Husband, Father, Hero. He isn't the first pastor my church has had. In fact, illuminate church is not even the first name our church has had. Two men have come before Tim. Two church names preceded that. I have attended my current church for 10+ years. Let's just say that my first "set down get to know you" meeting with Tim Ingram wasn't pretty. I was a bitter, angry little man, looking for someone to blame for the hurt I had experienced at the hand of men in the church. Tim agreed to meet me at Cracker Barrel. If it didn't go well, at least I had comfort food to soothe my soul. He listened to my story, fielded my complaints and answered my questions. I left that meeting with my explosive emotions defused, because of his compassion, patience and kind heart. My language that day was not becoming of a Christian man. I might have even caused a few sailors to blush. I wasn't concerned about how he received what I had to say that day. But in all honesty, isn't that what hurt does. It sears our conscience and leads us down a path of destruction.
The truth was that I just needed to be heard by a man in the church. I needed to know that someone, anyone still cared that I was in pain. I didn't need him to fix anything for me, I just needed to be acknowledged. Tim showed me the grace and peace of Jesus that day. I left our meeting knowing that illuminate church would be my church home and that I would follow Tim as my leader.
So many names come to mind when I think of the men at illuminate Church who have shaped my life as a Christian and as a man. Joe Saragusa, my first pastor in Celebration. He told me that if I had a dream for ministry to the gay community, his dream was 5000 times bigger. Garret Balcitis, a youth pastor who taught me how to lead kids to Jesus. He believed in me when I couldn't do that for myself. Bronson Moore, who loved me through all my many phases and faces. And though he was younger than me, God used his wisdom to mold and shape my leadership. Ed Arnold, our Executive pastor who has stood the test of time, loved me when I was unlovable, and who shares his porch, his life, his family and his house with me every time I have a need. Andre Anderson. Nelson Deskins. Bill Nance. Tears are welling up in my eyes, because the list is endless. God has used these men to restore to me the meaning of father, brother, companion, comrade and friend. There was a point where I looked for men in the gay community to complete me or give my life meaning and purpose. I was always left wanting. With Illuminate Church, God has answered the cry of my heart for a place to belong, to be heard, to matter and a place to heal. The men that God has brought through my little church in the past 10 years have time and time again, been the face of Jesus.
I am taking this opportunity to share the message Tim preached on Sunday through the podcast. At Illuminate church we welcome all types. Men like me who have left homosexuality. Men like me who use colorful language a little more than I should. And men and women, who like me who don't always get it right, but try once agiain each morning with the sunrise. If you live in the Orlando area please join us at 10 a.m. on Sundays in Celebration, Florida at Celebration High School in the auditorium.
If you don't live around here and just need a little encouragement, feel free to listen to the podcasts at www.illuminateChurchFL.com
A Fawn. A Random Butterfly. New path.
The young man, Joshua, about whom this post was written, has read it and signed off on it's content. As my old pastor and friend, Joe Saragusa, used to say, the most important thing is "doing life together." I couldn't agree more. This post is a little longer than my other blogs, but I believe you'll find it well worth the read. As always, please keep me, Joshua and our other guys in prayer. We are constantly under attack from satan and those who would sequester the truth of the gospel. Enjoy! Last night around 4 am, I covertly sneaked out the back door of the house. There was no plan to secretly wreak havoc on the neighborhood. I just didn’t want to wake the roomies with a clackety clack garage door a squeaky front door. By the way, it was the Holy Spirit’s idea. For an hour, I walked the neighborhood and prayed. I returned around 5 am, finally ready for bed. This must have been what it was like for Adam to walk in the garden with God. Recklessly abandoned in God’s presence. It was cool, quiet and peaceful. Precious times these are to me. I need them more often. One of my forever friends, Kathy, exhorted me that I am a missionary now. It is absolutely my job to pray consistently and get alone with God.
Yesterday, I was led to pray after seeing a friend’s Facebook post. Now it wasn’t horrible, but satan has a way of spinning things out of control, kind of like the Kardashians or a Democratically controlled senate. What matters most is that my friend, Joshua, undeniably loves Jesus, but he’s still kind of dabbling in worldly things. A wave of palpable sadness and confusion washed over me as I read his post. I prayed, surrendering that feeling to God. Prayer opened my heart to a desire to get alone with God ASAP. Thus my 4 am stroll, 12 hours later. Yes, my day was that busy. As I walked, I prayed over many guys; three specifically. I don’t know about you, but I fight trusting that God knows what He is doing in other people’s lives, especially when I see them headed down destructive paths. I gotta remember; Faith in the Father, not Faith in the Faltering.
A few months ago, I realized that God was orchestrating a shift. The delicate bubble I had strategically constructed around my ministry was dying a slow and painful, perhaps necessary death. It was my first text from Joshua that alerted me to God’s shenanigans. In our first correspondence, He informed me that he loved Jesus, but he wasn’t interested in walking out of homosexuality just yet. In the past I would have bristled a bit in my mind, listened graciously and began the strategic process of furthering my well-meaning agenda in his life. My initial ‘crisis response’ was averted by a whisper from the Holy Spirit.
At our first meeting, I sat and listened to Joshua’s amazing story. On our walk from the restaurant where we’d had lunch, to a coffee shop, the Holy Spirit told me to be open to learning from him. Holy Ghost say what? I was stricken with acute and immediate mental paralysis. Learn from him? What could I possibly learn from him? He was lost, right? He wasn’t interested in following the same chaste path as me. Talk about a train wreck in the brainwork. What on earth would I have to learn from him?
5 hours later, I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit at that meeting. It was like God installed a fiber optic cable between my brain and His heart. I was also overwhelmed at the presence of the Holy Spirit in Joshua’s life and the level of communication he had with our Father. As the minutes ticked by, it was increasingly evident, that God was writing an amazing love letter to Joshua.
My emotional, roller coaster ride with Joshua continues. It’s a new level of interaction for me. We have some very honest dialogue. I feel challenged by him. I have apologized a million times and look forward to a million more. I am indeed, learning from him as the Holy Spirit said I would. My core beliefs haven’t changed, but I am learning, through Joshua, how to better love the men and women of the gay community.
The foundations of my relationship with Joshua were shaky in the beginning. There were times I’d think he was finished talking with me for good. There were times I felt I was through talking with him for good. God always encouraged me to maintain the connection. Eventually, Joshua needed a new place to live; a place of refuge. I always refer to my house as “a place of refuge”, but there was no way I could let someone stay there who was actively gay. We live according to a strict set of rules. He didn’t want to live under those rules. I found myself being ‘that Christian’. I said something to the effect of,
“That’s a tough situation. I will pray that you. You can’t come live with me, but I’ll help you find another place., I will pray for you.”
It took a few days for me to realize just how self-preserving and pompous those words were. My words were completely blocking a move of God and putting Him in the box of my intellect, prejudice and fear. As the words dripped from my lips, my stomach soured a little. I had pledged my life in service to Jesus first and in service to others second, to love them as myself, but…
“Was there anything more that I could do?”
The question danced about on the surface of my brain, like a random butterfly amongst the flowers, defying capture, inspiring wonder. It was all that God needed for a new journey began.
A few days later, Joshua began texting a slew of angry and sad texts tinged with frustration and angst. He said that he felt like God was saying the answer to his problems was to come and live at my house. As I read his texts from the “ivory tower” of my heart, I knew that he wasn’t truly surrendering to God, but instead succumbing to the pressures of life. I read them and began a quiet celebration broke out in my head. God had finally brought Him to the end of himself, but something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel 100% okay with the circumstances. The Holy Spirit led me to question my attitude. Honest dialogue broke out again between Joshua and I. In his honesty, he carefully laid a few more tender pieces of his heart on the table. Even though I had no idea what to do, I knew the Holy Spirit was calling me to listen and be present. No longer could I blindly say, ‘I’d love to help’, to the safe people my choosing. God was calling me to put actions to my words. I was scared to death.
I met Joshua for lunch. I shared my “house rules” with him. As I shared the rules and cost of rent with him, I saw his countenance fill with more anger and frustration. I wasn’t helping him. I was doing more damage; subjecting him to emotion and spiritual castration. It was almost as if I was saying, “Ha, Ha! I have a house and you don’t. Jump through these flaming hoops and recite this pledge and we’ll see what we can do.” Don’t get me wrong. Rules have a place, but when we put a price on what God freely offers, we commercialize the gospel and drain it of its power. Our actions keep those who desperately need God distanced from His true heart for them. It’s like telling a critically wounded patient to wait outside the emergency room until their wounds have healed.
The sermon at church the next day was all about forgiveness and coming to the Father freely. The Holy Spirit asked me that day,
“How many hoops did I ask you to jump through before you came to live “in my house”? ((Insert Serial Gut Punching Sequence…HERE!))
He was right. I wasn’t helping Joshua draw closer to Jesus. I was piling obstacles in his path and doubling the weight of his burden. With tears flowing down my cheeks I repented of what I had done to this young man. I stayed in a spirit of prayer that entire day. That afternoon, I began the process of tweaking the rules to keep the guys already in the house safe, while providing a place of refuge for another one of God’s broken sons.
Later that night, my roommate and I humbled ourselves before Joshua, who was hurting and broken. We washed his feet and hands. We anointed him with oil. We granted him forgiveness and repented on behalf of Christians who have hurt him. Ultimately, we prayed over him and welcomed him in as our brother. A week later, he moved in and the bubble of self-protection that I, not God had tried to sustain ceremoniously burst. To say the least, I am like a newborn deer in this new place with God; wobbly, uncertain but staying close.
It hasn’t been an easy walk. Not because Joshua is bad, but because it’s a new journey for me. Joshua has actually made the transition fairly easy. God speaks pretty clearly to me regarding Joshua. One morning, I awoke to God saying, “He’s not yours. He’s mine.” I would find out later that this young man’s parents had prayed those same words over him when He was younger, “He’s not ours God, He’s Yours.” Wha What? I told you, FIBER OPTIC connection.
I am both encouraged and challenged by my relationship with Joshua and his knowledge and love for the Lord. When I opened Big Fish ministry 5 years ago, I thought I was simply going to minister to men with unwanted same sex attractions. God knew it was going to be so much more than that. I just missed that memo. What it boils down to is simply this: trusting God, being obedient and having a heart for people. God can be trusted to lead the way and fill in the blanks.
Not Who I Was. He is the Great I Am
scripture hallway
It was fall of 1993. I was loading up my shiny, red S-15 pickup truck and moving to Galveston. It was Phase 2 of my plan to become a world famous killer whale trainer. Phase 1 consisted of a 3-week tropical marine biology class in The Bahamas and a separate overnight stay in Paris…Texas that is. I was leaving my home in Barnsdall, Oklahoma and finally pursuing a Marine Bio degree. When that truck drove out of my parent’s driveway for the last time, it was packed with a comfy, college dorm chair, sentimental, knick-knack crap and equal parts bitterness and rebellion. In the driver’s seat was an angry, hurting 22-year old boy. That boy, was me. There were many reasons I was headed to Texas: college, a psycho ex-boyfriend, Shamu and to run away from who I had been for the last 16 years. I also hoped that God wouldn’t pursue me that far south of the bible belt.The night before I left, I packed every, last, damn thing I owned into that little, red truck. I resented my parents so much that I slept on a comforter in the middle of the living room floor, as one last act of defiance. My mom wasn’t ready for me to move that far from home. Her pain was palpable. I sensed it before one tear dared to stain her cheek. She came to me that night to wish me good night. I had already begun to close my heart off to her emotionally. After years of torturing emotional incest by my mother, this cold, callous reaction was simply a defense mechanism. That night, however, she came to me broken, wounded and sincere. It was that night I think her “mother’s” heart, shattered into a thousand icy shards. It was a turning point for both of us. Her words were simple and true. “You don’t have to go,” she said. “I don’t care if you are sick,” she continued, “I don’t care if you are dying. I don’t care if you are gay. You don’t have to go.” “I don’t care if you are gay”. The words are still just as haunting today.
She knew? SHE KNEW! She knew.
Paralyzed by fear, I just stood there. I looked away. I couldn’t let her see further inside. Besides, my eyes were as cold and dead as my heart. I said nothing, but left her alone to face the echoes of her pain in silence. Nothing was going to change my mind. I was tired of hurting, tired of not fitting in and tired of all the lies. Texas was my answer. Texas was going to “fix” me. At some point in life, I drew comfort from her confessions. Yet, there was nothing she could have said to reach me that day. My feet were firmly planted in Oklahoma, but my heart was already in Texas. My mom knew that many of the reasons I was leaving would fall under the heading, ‘Escape’. I had mistakenly filed them all under “Freedom’. It didn’t matter. At 9 that next morning, I would be fully committed to whatever brand of heaven or hell lay before me. That self proclaimed journey into ‘Freedom’ led me down the road to periodic HIV tests, many a drunken stupor and blackout and eventually a heart so broken and deceived that it led to a night of prostitution. The most incredible thing wasn’t that I Survived my self-prescribed journey into freedom. The most incredible thing was The Reason that I survived it.
Jesus Christ was with me the entire time.
From the moment I set foot in Galveston, God was with me. The first guy I dated was a Baptist minister’s son. What did we discuss on our first date? Christianity and homosexuality. This is what happens when God has a call on your life. He won’t frickin’ leave you alone. God was there. Even when I thought He wasn’t. Even when I hoped He wasn’t. Even after I told him to ‘F’ off, because I was going to be gay no matter what. Even then, He never left me, never abandoned me. Years later, I would read the following passage in the Bible, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10. The author was expressing the realization that there is literally nowhere we can go to be to away from God. While I wasn’t so keen on God seeing everything I had done, I couldn’t deny that life with God was like one great, big, spiritual “Where’s Waldo” adventure. My story of redemption through Jesus Christ was one of wooing and chasing, doting and pursuing. I rejected Jesus for so many years. Yet He pursued me. I blamed Him for all my pain. Yet He continuously forgave me. I built a wall around my heart. I pushed people away. I lived in the rancid isolation of sexual brokenness that so many in today’s gay community call “Freedom”. I can’t remember many days when I called out to God, but He never stopped calling to me. I have every reason to daily hang my head in shame, for the porn that I have seen, the sex I have had and the life that I lived. However, the word of God says in 2 Corinthians 5:21 “For He (God) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (Jesus). I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ. What a reason to hold my head high and celebrate. It’s not my any act or effort of my, but by the power of Jesus Christ to save me, cleanse me and forgive me. I am no longer defined by the sins of my past. You can choose to no longer be defined by your brokenness, but instead by the One who fixes the broken. It took me more than ten years to surrender most of my broken pieces to Jesus. Yet it took Him less than a millisecond to say “Welcome Home”. As a boy who had always looked for a place to belong, those words fell like rain in the desert of my isolation. Jesus is still performing rescue missions little brothers. It matters not what you’ve done or are doing. What matters most, is saying Yes to Jesus. The bible says that those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. It’s time; to end one journey and start another. The same Jesus Christ, who took those first steps with you into sexual sin and brokenness, is waiting at the next exit with cheers and celebration.
“Let the children come to me…for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
A Christian, a transgender and a redneck walk into a church.
Over the past few years the influence of the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN) has become quite prolific, in our culture and in the church. You might be asking, “What is the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN)?”
Here is a description of the GCN from their website-
“Founded in 2001, the Gay Christian Network (GCN) is a nonprofit Christian ministry dedicated to building bridges and offering support for those caught in the crossfire of one of today’s most divisive culture wars.
Our membership includes both those on Side A (supporting same-sex marriage and relationships) and on Side B (promoting celibacy for Christians with same-sex attractions). What began as an organization to provide support to LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender)...”
We live in a culture of convenience. We have reinterpreted the old saying, “Don’t take no for an answer”. No one is going to deny us what we want. We thumb our noses at God when it comes to the our Christian lives, but often in the most “polite” ways. We expect everything and everyone, including God, to realize the world revolves around us. I say, you can put lipstick on a Pig or Frosting on a turd, but all you have is a Pig with lipstick on it and…you get the picture. God isn’t having it. A life in Christ, is a life of submission to his will, not His to ours.
I was a gay “Christian” when being a gay “Christian” wasn’t cool. Let me explain why I became a gay “Chrisitian”. After I came out, the first guy that God brought my way was a Canadian, Baptist minister’s son. Yes, I said “God brought my way.” Hold up, put down your torches and pitchforks, LISTEN. On our first date, he told me that he grew up Christian, but early on he knew that he was gay. He told me that he knew he couldn’t be both and that homosexuality wasn’t a choice, and Christianity was, so he chose gay. It was 1993. I wasn’t living for God, but I heard the Holy Spirit, plain as day tell me “You can’t make that same choice.” Hear this my friends; I was a gay man, on a date with a guy and the Holy Spirit still spoke to me. God has never told anyone that it’s okay to be gay, but he has always and will always perform rescue missions to men and women trapped in the gay life. God still speaks wisdom to the lost, the found, gay, straight, transgendered and rednecks.
Gay “Christianity” was my attempt to make sense of my same sex attractions and my Christian walk. I would never stop being a Christian, but I didn’t know how to stop being gay. I got it way wrong for way too long. However, God used the “tiny window” I gave Him and my Christian upbringing, to allow Jesus Christ to build a kingdom in my heart. That led me out of gay “Christianity” and into true and authentic, biblical fellowship with Jesus. As a gay “Christian” Jesus was a protective accessory I “wore” to keep the bible thumpers at bay. As a Christian, Jesus became something real; my friend, and savior. He was living inside my heart, not serving as a superficial adornment.
Thank God I didn’t have more intelligence than sense. That would have led me down a path of reinterpreting scriptures to rationalize my sin, rather than leading me to place my sin under the authority of scripture. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Justin Lee and gay “Christians” aren’t the enemy. They are simply hurting people who have have found ways not to hurt anymore.
I share the following links to help bring awareness to the battle that is going on behind the scenes. Satan uses people, places and things to do his work. He always has a substitute for God’s plan. I am disheartened by the seductive and cunning teachings of the GCN. Many friends have succumbed to its deception. The links lead to two essays on the GCN webpage that reinterpret scripture to condone and normalize homosexuality.
Isaiah 55:11 says, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” My friend Sy Rogers has called the gay Church, “the church of the revolving door”. Many people go in, some meet Jesus, then they leave the church. I place hope in this scripture and that statement.
I found a wonderful piece on reinterpreting scripture on the “Let Us Reason Ministry” website.
Let Us Reason Ministry- http://www.letusreason.org/Biblexp117.htm
Here it is: “Deuteronomy 4:2 “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take anything from it”
Deuteronomy 12:32 “See that you do all I command you; do not add to it or take away from it.”
“Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.” Proverbs 30:6
In our day there is the belief in “progressive revelation” that originates from outside the Word. What right does anyone have to teach what is not in Scripture as if it is Scripture? False teachers do not want to submit to its original intent, so they do not seek what Scripture actually (exegesis) means, instead, they conform it to what they want it to mean (isogesis). They will look to another source as their authority because they are not under God’s authority. This is why Paul admonishes us in 1 Corinthians 4:6: “not to think beyond what is written” (exceed or go past).
The reason God is so adamant on this is because “The entirety of Your word is truth” Psalms 119: 160.
Proverbs 30:5 “Every word of God is pure; he is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.”
If we look at the context it [is] saying “Every word of God.” God is stating for MAN not to add to his words. Adding does not only mean additional words, but can also mean changing them to mean what they do not. When you add new words as equal to Scripture you are really taking away from Scripture.” The end.
Well said. In 1998, Jesus Christ delivered me from the amorphous, false religion of gay “Christianity”. The Holy Spirit showed me that it was His job, not mine, to interpret scripture. My only job was to willingly and consistently, surrender my will to God’s authority.
Chances are, if the gospel you are patterning your life after is not challenging you to move, change and grow, then it is probably not “The Gospel” at all. May God richly bless you on your journey out of homosexuality or the sin that holds you fast. May you accept the sacrifice of Jesus Christ as payment for and deliverance from your sin. May the Holy Spirit be the only one you let interpret scripture. This is the hardest fight of my life, but I must deny myself daily and take up my cross and follow Christ. The world is pushing you to hit the “Like” button on their sin. Refuse to listen to any voice, except the Voice of the Father.
By sharing the first link, I invite you to see how “correct” the GCN statement of faith appears. It looks good on paper, but if they truly “affirm that the Bible is Holy Scripture, divinely inspired and authoritative, and not merely a human work.” then how can they endorse any aspect of sexual sin? -- https://www.gaychristian.net/statementoffaith.php
The following link will lead you to a set of essays written about two sides of Gay Christianity. They are long, but I believe we all have a “horse in this race”. We owe it to the deceived to read and gain an understanding of what we are up against. Satan has studied every aspect of truth and teaching that the Ex-gay and Christian community has in regards to the roots and causes of homosexuality. he has covered all of his bases and he has an excellent PR team. (And according to their website, he is still hiring.) You owe it to yourself to spend some time understanding your adversary. 1 Peter 5:8 says it simply. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
The Essays: Two sides of the gay “Christian” debate- https://www.gaychristian.net/greatdebate.php
My Father: Hero. Visionary. Gateway to Heaven
I stumbled upon a story about a Southern Baptist Pastor who changed his views on homosexuality. The title said that he changed his views on homosexuality, because his son came out, but when you read the article this wasn't the case. What? The Huffington Post printed something deceptive and incorrect? NEVER! More like ALWAYS. Anyway, here is an excerpt from a letter that the Pastor wrote that was included in the article, which can be found by visiting the following link.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/02/baptist-church-pastor-gay-son_n_5432880.html?utm_hp_ref=tw
"...I recently became gay affirming after a 15-year journey of having multiple people in my congregation come out to me every year. I scoured through your whole website and read everything I could. And it was especially the testimony of my gay friends that helped me to see how they have been marginalized that my eyes became open to the injustice that the church has wrought."
My heart sank twice while reading just that small portion of his letter. You see, 15 or so years ago I walked away from homosexuality. I walked away, because I had a father that never gave up on me. He never stopped praying. He never stopped believing. He never stopped loving me. He also never let his love for me cloud his vision of the truth that is written in God's word. I thank God that my father never accepted my declaration that I was gay. I thank God that instead of compromising the truth of God's word, he proclaimed that truth over me. In my opinion this father has shirked his responsibility to lead and guide his son. I see it as one more person who has exchanged the truth of God for a lie. My father was able to balance his love for me and the truth of the gospel in his relationship with me. If my father had not led the way in truth, but rather agreed with me in my sin, then my life would be dramatically different.
I one hundred and fifty percent agree that the gay community has been marginalized by the church. I was among the marginalized. I agree that the church needs to be a place where the LGBT community can come and hear the truth about Jesus without the fear of condemnation. But the way to right the wrongs of the past is to ask for forgiveness and a retelling of the truth, not to go overboard and change scripture to sweeten the apology. The truth is that some churches and some pastors have marginalized many different people groups at one point or another. Does that suddenly mean that adultery is okay, that gossip is just a great way to communicate and drug and alcohol abuse are simply a great way to unwind after a tough day at the office. No. The word of God is pretty clear on setting aside certain behaviors as sin and certain behaviors as acceptable. The greatest demise that satan has ever crafted is working to normalize homosexuality and set it apart from other sins in the bible.
God is not the one Who changed His mind about homosexuality. It’s the world that changed God’s word about homosexuality.
I am reminded of scriptures. "But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God's curse! Galatians 1:8" and "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26. I think it is great to extend compassion and love to the LGBT community, but declassifying homosexuality as sin only serves to lead them further down the path of destruction. I thank God that my father did not make a decision like this pastor.
The way I minister to the gay community has changed over the years. I have softened a little on my approach, but I have not compromised the truth of the gospel that led me to repentance and ultimately into the healing presence of God. I have not doubt that this man is deceived. I have no doubt that his church will self-destruct as they veer off the path of truth. We often do a lot when we take our eyes off of God and focus them on human emotion and turmoil. We are given the example of Peter as he walked on the water towards Christ. While his focus was on the master he stayed above the turmoil of the waves. When he focused elsewhere, he sank into the tumultuous Ocean.
If you are a pastor reading this post, please hear about my 15 year journey that turned out very different than the pastor above. I have not been the perfect Christian these past 15 years, but God has been the perfect God. Not every person I have ministered to or shared my story of freedom from homosexuality has said Yes to God. That has not diminished the truth of the word, the triumph of Christ or the fact that God called me out of homosexuality. It has also not changed the message of the gospel, because that gospel has the power to change my heart, my direction and save my life from sin of all kinds. God called me out of homosexuality to call others out, not to hold them in a deceptive embrace while simultaneously helping them dig their own grave.
Heart of Stone…1
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Heart of Stone
Recently I was given the opportunity to preach a sermon at a Colombian church in, well, Colombia; South America. The Parents of one of the guys that I mentor asked if I would preach a message during my 2 week visit to their city. I had a few other topics rumbling around my head when the Holy Spirit dropped the phrase “Heart of Stone” into the mix. I was excited about this topic, but I knew what was going to happen. This was going to be another one of those sermons where the Holy Spirit speaks through me and then hangs me up in front of everyone as the poster child for (Insert struggle or sin here). The truth is that I have lived most of my life with a hard heart. So I was well versed with personal experience and lessons learned.
My dad was a devout Christian so when the enemy couldn’t get to him, satan got at my dad by attacking his family. God called me into the ministry at the age of 9. I rejected that call, because I wanted material things that preachers didn’t have. I rejected God’s plan for my life, but I would spend the next 9 years hearing the Word preached in our little Assembly of God church.
As a result of running from God and a lot of misunderstanding between my father and I, I became the Prodigal son. I distance myself from my family, because of my struggles with homosexuality and anger, ran up huge credit card bills, got lost in pornography, masturbation and spent 10 years as an actively gay man. Thought, my life was out of control, I couldn’t turn to the church. Many Christians said that my sin was the worst. I couldn’t turn to God. All throughout my life I prayed constantly for Him to take away my attractions to other guys and he never did. I ran from God for 18 years. With every step my heart grew harder. At age 27 my hardened heart had had enough. I quit my jobs and returned home and to both my earthly father and my heavenly Father. It was December 22, 1998 and I had begun the process of letting God soften my heart.
God used Matthew 27 and the events surrounding Jesus’ tomb as a foundation for this message.
Matthew 27:62 The next day…the chief priests and the Pharisees went to Pilate. “we remember that while (Jesus) was still alive that deceiver said, ‘After three days I will rise again.’ 64 So order for the tomb to be made secure until the third day. Otherwise, his disciples may come steal the body and tell the people that he has risen from the dead. 65 Pilot Answered “Take a guard. Make the tomb secure...” They went and made the tomb secure by putting a seal on the stone and posting the guard.
Matthew 28:1 After the Sabbath, ad dawn...Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. 2 There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen…
Well revisit that scripture a little later…
If you are an older reader you know I have mentioned this before, but it is worth mentioning again. I was born a very sensitive child. I used to hate how sensitive I was. I would tear up when I was happy, passionate or when I was excited about something new. It was embarrassing. I learned that God had gifted me with a sensitive heart so that I could sense the voice of the Holy Spirit. Sensitive hearts were created for God’s glory. The problem is that sensitive hearts are easily damaged and can be a target for the enemy. A sensitive heart can damaged by a single event, a single person or repeated offenses by the community.
Later in life, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that my tears were my physical, fleshly body’s response to being in the presence of the most High God. My flesh bowed down, even when my heart remained staunch and unwaivering.
My mother was a harsh woman who didn’t know what to do with my sensitive heart. She wasn’t always the safest person to be vulnerable around so when I was around her, I hid my emotions. After many years of stifling my sensitivity, I woke up one day and I was angry at the world and numb.
I continually suffered hurt and abuse. I withdrew from people who hurt me. I stopped trusting them. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “I think I’ll harden my heart to protect myself from getting further hurt today”, but offenses and wounding over time caused me to build a wall around my heart. As you read this blog, please know that you aren’t simply reading the story of a broken man. God has brought you here on purpose. Listen closely for your story, in mine. Listen for the hope of God that will soften your own Heart of Stone.
Hard heart vs. Sensitive Heart. A hard heart is deaf to the Holy Spirit’s Voice, has troubling trusting God or anyone, is detrimentally self reliant and is full of turmoil. Satanic influence and unchecked turmoil run amuck in the life of a struggler, in my opinion, is a huge, contributing factor to someone taking their life. Whereas the various humanistic organizations around the world would have you believe it’s the fault of the church or Christians. A sensitive heart listens for the Holy Spirit’s Voice, trusts God and as a byproduct of that trusts in others, cares for people and has a peace about it, even as turmoil rages outside.
Some diagnostic questions for you. Is your heart in danger? Have you been wounded? Do you make decisions based on your feelings or God’s will? What do you do with your pain? -- Keep it to yourself? Rage against the world? Do you rely on God’s strength or your own? And finally… Are you tired?
Jesus says in Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Do you consider your weaknesses humiliating or a place for God to show his strength? Have you surrounded yourself with bad people or people of faith?
1 Corinthians 15:33 “bad company corrupts good character.”
2 Timothy 4:3 …a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.
I will end, part 1 of this three part series with something my mentor John used to always ask our guys.
“Who knows you well enough, to look you in the eyes and ask you tough questions that make it impossible for your sin to survive another day?”