Heavy Breather
When I first visited Colorado, it was after living in the lowlands of Oklahoma for 14 years. On top of Pike’s Peak, I found myself gasping for air every few breaths. It was a simple problem that eventually passed. Yet, in the beginning each gasp for air brought on panic and anxiety. Breathing was something I had taken for granted. Something I never had to think about. Then one day, I decided to climb a mountain. After God formed Adam from the dust of the earth, the bible says in Genesis 2:7, “the LORD God breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” Adam’s first breath was on loan from God. It says that God breathed into Adam’s nostrils. I think about the CPR and first aid training I’ve had. Sure glad the Red Cross doesn’t perform CPR according to scripture. Can you imagine waking up to someone’s mouth firmly clasped over your nose? It would sure make movie drowning rescues a tad less romantic.
Our weekly life group lesson dealt with another kind of “breath of life”. I felt a little like Neo in the Matrix, wandering down the rabbit hole as God began to draw parallels between His breath of life for Adam and our breath of life for people. God began to unpack multiple life lessons in my head, with more twists and turns than a Game of Thrones Finale. When the dust settled, my knees were bent, my heart ached and I knew I had to consider each word carefully from here on out.
What did God teach me about the heavy consequences of my breath? He says that the tongue holds the power of life and death. Our words can lift people up or break them down. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…”. Matthew 15:11 says that the stuff that comes out of our mouths defiles us.
God knows our infinite need for reminders along our journey on earth. That is why he consistently lays a trail of bread crumbs back to Genesis throughout the bible. He wants us to remember that first Divine breath that brought life to Adam. He challenges us to in turn to breathe life into those around us.
1 Peter 1:16 “because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” Once again God uses scripture to say, if you wanna be like me you gotta act like me. He says I have good intentions, you should, too. I gave life with My breath. Give life with yours. Jesus tells us that if we believe in Him, we will do the works He was doing, and we will do even greater works than He did. We may not have God’s super powers, but we can be super powerful if we have God.
James 3:10 “Out of the same mouth comes praise and cursing…this should not be.” I am convicted by this scripture, every time I unleash a verbal barrage of anger and disdain on tourists inside my car in traffic. I reminded of my selfish nature when someone says something that hits the “I’m Offended Lobe” in my brain and I go off.
As I contemplated this week’s lesson: think before you speak and distribute grace, not judgment with your mouth, I caught a glimpse of creation in my mind. God’s hands were still dusty from forming Adam from the ground. He was bent low over Adam, perhaps admiring His work. Then I imagine God taking in a deep breath, knowing full well the great good and bad of which Adam was capable. Knowing full well that Adam could choose to love Him or not, He never paused, He never stopped to reconsider.
He just breathed.
God chose to give life regardless of what Adam might choose or deserve. God challenged me in that moment to make the same choice. To love freely. To give life with every breath. God may have breathed life into Adam’s nostrils, but He is calling us to breathe life into the ears of the rest of creation.
My Grain of Sand
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Finding Internet here in Colombia is like discovering a liberal who watches Duck Dynasty. With no Internet access, I couldn’t find my journal reading for the day. God, instead led me Psalm 119 and began to share new revelations through the Word.
We are talking about heart issues here. So it wasn’t surprising that God led to specific verses about the heart. Psalm 119:10-11 “I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” If I seek God with all my heart, there is no room for secret sin. Even the term, gay Christian denotes a heart divided against itself, not fully submitted to God’s design for human sexuality. No one would ever consider allowing the sin of alcoholism to be an acceptable part of life, and homosexuality is no different. It’s almost absurd to think of calling oneself an Alcoholic Christian, but calling oneself a gay Christian seems socially acceptable. It’s like describing a color as Black White or a dish as Hot Cold. My own experience with homosexuality and Christianity bear witness to this.
Two scriptures come to mind when I think of gay Christianity. 2 Timothy 3:5 brings to mind those who have a form of godliness, but deny its power. God has the power to set us free from sin, but if call ourselves a gay Christian we are denying God’s power to redeem our broken sexuality. 2 Timothy 3:1 “…There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” Denying the power of God to wash and cleanse us from homosexuality is one more way we harden our hearts to the truth of God’s word in exchange for the lie of homosexual desires.
My life is an example of how God has set me free from the bondage of homosexuality. I may still be tempted by the images of my past, but daily I choose not to entertain those thoughts give them life. This verse talks about obeying God with all my heart and that will assist me in becoming free of my sin. Romans 6:15“So since God's grace has set us free from the law, does this mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! 16 Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master? You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God and receive his approval. 17 Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you have obeyed with all your heart the new teaching God has given you. 18 Now you are free from sin, your old master…”
The heart is fertile ground, allowing the growth of good seeds and bad alike. If I hide secret sin, it doesn’t remain a secret, but alive and active, infecting every area of my life. If I in turn hide the word of God in my heart, it also remains active and alive, but when it grows it cleanses and nurtures the rest of my life.
Psalms 119:32 “I run in the path of your commands, because you have set my heart free.” Oh freedom. So many in today’s world reject God’s design for their lives, because they feel that Christianity is a set of suffocating, stifling rules. Worldly ‘freedom’ without God is best described as a ‘Freedom’ of bondage. The ‘freedom’ I tasted in the gay community will never compare to the healing freedom I have experienced as God “has set my heart free”.
My Grain of Sand--------What did the enemy do to cause me to build “walls” around my pain. As you may or may not know, I was born a sensitive kid. That sensitivity allowed for repetitive wounding by the strong personalities of my family.
My brother was molested at age 12. His sexual curiosity was awakened and it led him to discover pornography and masturbation, which he introduced to me at the age of 6. The abuse he suffered sent him down a path of sex and experimentation with lots of drugs. changed him from my loving brother into angry and abusive. I lived in constant fear of him.
My father loved me, but was neglectful and distant. I believed that he loved my brother and the church more than me. My father was a strict disciplinarian. It hurt at first, but hurt grew into anger. I lost all love and respect for my father. I spent most of my life rebelling against his authority.
My mother was bi-polar and unpredictable. Living with her, was like living with an emotional time bomb. My mom loved me, but we had a very unhealthy relationship. I worked hard to make sure I never displeased her, but it was impossible. She destroyed my relationship with my father, because she hated men and consistently attacked my father’s credibility. My mom’s father was extremely abusive. My mother’s moods painted the vast emotional canvas of my brain with a great fear of women.
A combination of wounds caused my heart to harden. The abandonment and abuse by my family led me to feel abandoned by God as well. Scripture describes God as a loving Father, but my father was angry and distant. I wanted nothing to do his church or his God. Scripture says that God would never leave me nor forsake me, but my experience said something else.
Years later as God was softening my heart, He would call me to return to my family and ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness and minister to them. I went, but I was fearful and a little resentful. Matthew 5:44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.
The Reality of Pain------- I have a pain in the heel of my foot. It causes me to walk on the side of my foot, which causes me to hold my leg differently, which pulls on the muscles in my lower back, which causes my upper back to hurt and tightens the muscles that go up into my neck and I get a tension headache. One tiny little annoyance, pain or sin can throw your entire life out of balance.
Is any of this God’s fault? It didn’t matter to me. I blamed Him. Ultimately He could have prevented my hurt and my pain. Years later, someone once said this, “God isn’t allowing bad things to happen to us. He is allowing bad things to happen for us.” I didn’t choose to have a family dynamic that shaped the homosexual desires of a sensitive, artistic, creative boy, but without that affliction I may have never known Jesus as sweetly as I do. Psalm 119:67 “Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. ”
Psalm 119:71 “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.”
In college I prayed and prayed like I was told to for God to change my sexual desires. God never answered. I blamed God for my homosexuality and for not healing me. This hardened my heart further. I didn’t believe that being gay was right, but the God of the Universe who’s bible said it was wrong, had not given me the desire of my heart, which was to be heterosexual and ‘normal’.
Many years later, having truly felt abandoned by both parents, I found comfort in Psalm 27:10, “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.”
Is the pain in your heart like the pearl in the oyster? Do you work to cover up the “irritants” in your life so that you don’t’ have to deal with it? Do you even remember the initial “grain of sand” that caused your wound? Every aspect of your current behavior can be swayed by simple woundings in your past. Is reading this bringing up feeling of hurt and anger? May these words help you return to God with your hardened heart. Begin the process of letting go of the hurt, the pain and old wounds. As it says in James if you draw close to God, He will draw close to you. Whatever the case may be my friends, know this. Jesus came to earth in order to give us all a new beginning. He is ready to offer you one today. You owe it to yourself to say Yes.
The Father's Call
My life as a little boy was always spent on the run, guarding myself from hurt. I grew up with three very strong personalities: mom, dad and my brother. I spent a lot of time alone, being quiet and constructing a private world where I felt safe. Mom was the smotherer. Dad was the strict disciplinarian. Brother was unpredictable and generated fear in me at every turn. When I finally left my childhood home, there was a lot of living and a lot of conversation to catch up on.
As I have said before, I don’t believe anyone is born gay. I believe boys are born “Sensitive, Artistic and Creative”. This exposes them to pain and hurt. They have their emotions crushed very easily and are then susceptible to the lies of the enemy that says they were born different. Eventually, through small developmental steps, these boys are led to believe they are “born gay.” The seeds planted in my heart as young man were nourished by feelings of abandonment and loneliness. I grew up to be a fearful adult, confused and very comfortable being alone. There was a lot of pain to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. A therapist once described the homosexual side of my life as my minds way of coming up with an entirely different lifestyle to manage my pain.
I didn’t have much a relationship with my father until I was about 27. I had distanced myself from my father at an early age. He scared me. He wasn’t as sweet and nice as mom. He made us attend church and was a lot less emotional than. We clashed…a lot. Many boys who develop homosexual tendencies suffer from that same disconnect with dad at an early age. My disconnect left me with feelings of being lost and bewildered. I spent the rest of my life looking for a father figure or another man to love me and give me a sense of value.
When I returned to Jesus at the close of 1998, God restored my relationship with my father. It wasn’t immediately perfect. It took a lot of willingness and work. There were emotional bumps and bruises. We both had to lovingly forgive each other. I let satan drive a wedge in between my father and I for far too long. Through my own stubbornness, I let satan led me into homosexuality, cheat me out of a relationship with my father and then convince me that my father didn’t love me. I learned to serve God by watching my father serve others. I remembered his stories of being led by the Holy Spirit to stop by people’s houses and share the gospel. My dad was my first spiritual hero. He was the one that paved the way to the gospel, even as I was telling him I could care less. He would often pray in the living room of my childhood home until 3 am for my brother and I. He lifted my name up to God until I was ready to call on the name of God myself. One of my greatest hopes for young gay men who struggle with homosexuality today is that they have praying fathers. I pray for restoration with their fathers. I pray that restoration leads them into relationship with their heavenly father.
No matter how full of holes my relationship with my dad is, his words will always help restore me when the world attacks me with theirs. Our heavenly Father’s words have that same healing power my friends. God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that there is no place that you can go that is beyond his reach. There is freedom from homosexuality. I celebrate it daily. Don’t let the lies of the enemy determine your fate. God has a purpose and a plan for you beyond the scope of homosexuality.
In the next few weeks, I will be stepping into full time ministry. My plan is to share Jesus Christ and the truth about homosexuality with as many as will listen. My father has been walking this journey with me. Dad called today to tell me that I was courageous. He said I was courageous for going against the grain and quitting my job to reach the gay community with the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have waited my whole life for those powerful words of affirmation from him. What an amazing day! He shared the following scriptures with me as well. Yay God!
Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his descendants begging bread.”
Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek.”
“Hey!,” Small Town Preacher
I called myself a gay Christian until The Holy Spirit challenged that belief. “I see plenty of gay in the your life, but I don’t see a lot of Christianity”, He said. “Gay Christianity” was the religion I had crafted around the scriptures I chose to obey. The sin of homosexuality took precedence over any holiness in my life. My daily goal was to proselytize about homosexuality. Salvation through Jesus was often an accessory rather than a mantra. My faith took a backseat to my sexuality, as it does with many gay Christians. Some may disagree, but how many Christian pride parades have you seen lately? Jesus prefers to be Lord of our life, rather than to share our heart with sin. “…Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’ Matthew 16:24. In March of 1999, I was three months into leaving my gay life and returning to God. I moved back home; a small, Oklahoma town, population 1500. I started attending the church I grew up in. Sunday services were a necessary shot to my pride. My spirit screamed Yee-haw. My flesh was like “What the…?”
I wrote my pastor a letter about my past. I wasn’t sure how he’d respond, but I was learning to trust God. The pastor handled it better than expected. Two weeks later he preached a sermon in response to my letter, to a small town, sheltered, mostly older congregation. I’m sure they had there own “What the…?” moments that Sunday. He spoke with great wisdom. He defended wounded people and championed us to love people equally, but he stood firm against the sin of homosexuality. The Holy Spirit led me to love Jesus. Pastor Phil led me to love the bible. I want to share my letter, written over 10 years ago. I’ve learned a great deal more about the development of homosexuality in a person’s life. My opinions are no longer filtered through the veil of my broken sexuality. Hopefully this letter will help with your own walk out of homosexuality.
“Dear Phil,
There was a time, I thought, at the end of this trial I would be able to stand as an example to other men and women with the same plight. I would wear my healing as a badge so that others on earth could see what I had accomplished. I would be the light at the end of the tunnel. I alone would give them hope. I was wrong!
Ten years ago, when my journey into unrighteousness began, there were no real warning signs. I knew right from wrong. I also knew that I had never felt understood, loved or necessary. I heard the message of God’s love all my life. I learned of its power and unconditional nature. It went in one ear and straight to my heart. I never thought how those precious words might save my soul or light my path. I held them as weapons to use against people who judged me.
If I told you I was an alcoholic, you would pray for deliverance from my addiction. If I told you I was a smoker, your reaction would be similar. You see redemption for these sinners. These sins are prolific in our society.
My sin, however, is that I am a homosexual. What is your first reaction: prayer or disgust? Are you still concerned for my soul? Would you put me into a class of sinners for which there is no hope? A decision solely based on the belief that all homosexuals, not homosexuality, are a product of the devil? That is the way a lot of Christians see it. They see it as a sin that a person has taken on to themselves. In essence, a lot of people view it as the “second unforgivable sin.” When these beliefs became known to me God’s love suddenly become conditional.
The difference between a smoker or alcoholic and a homosexual, in my opinion, is very simple. Although they are all sins, smoking and drinking are voluntary in the beginning, homosexuality is not. One can stop purchasing alcohol or cigarettes or refuse to buy them in the first place. Homosexuality lives in ones mind as a parasite, “a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour”. Homosexual acts are voluntary. A homosexual can chose to remain abstinent. However, the desires still persist. Temptation is there, below the surface. The fight becomes harder each day. I am not justifying the sin. I want you to look at it from my viewpoint.
Homosexuality is a “Cadillac” among sins. The devil weaves it into a person’s life through natural processes such as puberty, sometimes through sexual abuse and as in my case, it appears as inherent knowledge. Some scientists have even proposed it to be genetic. If it is indeed genetic, then the devil has done his homework.
When the heterosexual world looks in from the outside they seem to believe that somewhere along the road, a person has chosen to become homosexual. No one chooses to be a part of a group that is ridiculed and persecuted for their beliefs. The only decision that homosexuals make is a decision to stop hiding their feelings; a decision to have the same opportunities as everyone else in society. The only decision made is the decision to be happy. They call the process “coming out of the closet”. They herald this event as the start of life; a single defining moment. “Coming out” is not a victorious triumph. It is a way to give in to the temptations without feeling the guilt. It is a pure and simple surrender to the forces of the devil.
The world is full of Christians who’d forgive you for murdering their firstborn before they’d help a repentant homosexual. So many times a preacher will be delivering a sermon about redemption. The expressions on his face demonstrate the love of God issuing forth from his heart. Then the expression changes to a scowl, blood vessels arise on his forehead and his voice intensifies. In disgust he utters the vilest words ever to be voiced in a church house, “Homosexual”! For many years I endured situations like this. Never once did I hear them identify the sin of homosexuality apart from the person that was a child of God. There always seems to be more people willing to convict than there are people willing to help.
When you are a little kid these feelings do not seem unnatural. I remember seeing an adult male that I found attractive at the age of seven. Well before the age of accountability. I told my brother that if the man were a girl I would date him. Somewhere in my mind I knew I was supposed to like girls, but with the innocence of a child I saw beauty in a man. As I grew older these unnatural feelings persisted. When someone tells you its wrong, you need answers. The number one question that every child asks is “WHY?”. No one was ever willing to give any answer other than “Because.” I think one reason so many homosexuals have embraced the sin is because the world is full of answers as to why it is normal. They are all the wrong answers, but they are answers nonetheless. The churches I have been to have not provided any answers, but seemed to have a healthy amount of judgment for the taking. At every corner it seems they have washed their hands of it altogether.
In the beginning I prayed nightly for God to make me normal. I believed that if it was such an abomination God would remove it. I thought Christians might be wrong about it. Everything I had prayed for had come true, except for this one request from God. God didn’t seem to want to take it out of my life, so it must be His will. I carried this weight around. I also carried those Christian principles with me. At one point I attempted to meld the two. I just knew that since homosexuality and Christianity were such an integral part of my life that God would accept me. I called myself a gay Christian. I helped other gay youths with their trials and tribulations. With the unusually high rate of suicide among gay teens I thought for sure I was sent to “talk them down from the ledge”. I would tell them that what they were feeling was not unnatural. I would relay my own experience. All the while my father was praying.
You talked about gay marriage the other day. I have to look at the fact that these people in their own confused way seem to be reaching for spiritual normalcy in their lives. Much the way I once believed. They feel that by entering into marriage and living a Christian life that all will be well.
I was one of those couples. I was dating someone who made me the happy. I felt love and acceptance. I wanted to have a union with this person. My partner did not agree with my beliefs. He did not believe in God. Also sex was an important part of his life. I thought God had sent me this person. How could we not want the same things? The Holy Spirit began to minister to me once again. I was searching for God, but in the wrong places. Dad paid us a visit and I got back on track. The relationship ended. I prayed my prayer again. “Please let me be normal!”
There are a fair number of couples, gay and straight, living in sin with no plans of marrying. Homosexual couples trying to make their union holy in the sight of God, are people who seem to want God in their life. The couples who do unite, don’t see homosexuality as the binding sin that will send them to hell. The churches accepting them are doing it for the wrong reasons, mostly financial. I simply wish there was a way for them to find the right church where God could begin to minister to their lives. They are people just like you and I. They need a voice going up to God for deliverance of their soul.
I met one young man who was the son of a Baptist minister. He told me that there was no place in his life for his Christian beliefs as well as his homosexuality. He chose the latter. Once again, the tiny amount of hope I had in my heart died, along with it the belief that I would ever be normal.
Ultimately it seemed if I was going to get right with God, I would be walking the road alone. My gay friends could not understand why I just wouldn’t accept my homosexuality. I was afraid to tell Christians for fear of judgment. I struggled with the idea that I would be alone. Once I became clean and new in the Lord, Christians would accept me when the homosexuals rejected me. No one wants to be alone. Though we always have God, there is still that part of us that craves human companionship.
God was kind enough to send me an angel in 1992. A wonderful person who had endured similar trials. She listened to my story, prayed for me and most of all, refused to judge me and add to my pain. I just received a letter from her. She is still so in love with God and professes His love for me. My dad has also been the spiritual light in my life. I know there has not been a day that has gone by that he has not prayed for me.
When I began this letter, I had written ten pages before I came up for a breather. I was angry at first. The spirit of the Lord arrested that anger and allowed me to speak my mind in a calmer fashion. The entire letter was written as I endured the voice of the devil placing mental images in my mind. He also tried to make me believe once again that God had not taken this sin out of my life, because it was my calling in life. It was who I am. He tried to pit me against the church that “judged” me and also the Lord that loves me.
I didn’t want to have to wake up everyday and pray, “God please don’t let me be gay today!” What kind of a life would that be? Would that be true healing? I thought if I prayed about this that one day it would go away. The day I realized it was something I might have to pray about each day, I wept uncontrollably. I still cry about it from time to time. In the case of the smoker, there is program after program about how to quit. Alcoholics have AA, drug treatment hospitals, halfway houses, family intervention and a wealth of other avenues. What does a gay man or woman in today’s society have? Judgment!
My goal in writing this letter is not to promote acceptance or tolerance. I simply would like you to have an idea what it is like to have this sin in one’s life. A sin that for a time seemed as natural as breathing; as natural as a man’s love for a woman. What men take for granted each day, something as simple as love for a woman, I find unattainable and foreign. I have to pray for that love to manifest itself in my life. When you preached that message about a besetting sin. I felt God had finally heard my cries. There could have been 5000 people in that church and I still think that message was meant for me. This was another prayer I prayed for a time. “God if it is wrong for me to feel love for a man, then let me only have love for you. I could not feel love for a woman. I will do as you wish God. I will not express this love for a man, but I do not wish to feel the same love for a woman. I would have to start all over. I do not want to do that. I simply want to live my life loving you.”
In essence I was praying for God to make me a Catholic priest, I suppose. It was a horrible prayer. I can see that now. I was trying to punish God, because I felt slighted that I could not be a homosexual and it was unnatural. If he didn’t want me to be gay I did not want his natural plan for my life. I have since stopped using that prayer. Although I want people to begin to pray for the homosexual community, I don’t think that should be our focus. There are plenty of besetting sins out there. Mine was homosexuality. Believe it or not, there are gays out there who are searching for the spiritual truth. I know I am not alone. They need to know that someone cares. I think we as a church need to reach out and pray for God’s will in their life, instead of just assuming they are already headed for hell.
I have a long way to go, but I continue my daily walk towards the Lord. I have learned so many things over the years about God’s love. The scripture about bringing your child up in the way of the Lord and when he is old he will not depart from it, holds true. God held onto me for 10 years, because someone cared enough to mention my name in prayer. I simply want others to have the same chance that I have.”
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"
This is gonna sound like the chorus of Sweet Brown’s YouTube Remix of “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” before I’m through. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Though I’ll be using His name as an exclamation of wonder rather than to express the amazement that my house almost burned down with me inside it.
Unbeknownst to many it was Shamu, not Jesus, that brought me back to God. I dreamt of training Killer Whales since I was 14. Thirteen years later that dream became reality. For years I listened to naysayers and dreamkillers that said it is impossible. In 1992 when I heard about a Marine Biology Class offered in the Bahamas; a glimmer of hope appeared on the horizon. I took the class and began to dream again.
I would find myself at Texas A&M Galveston the next semester, pursuing a degree in Marine Biology. I was one step closer to swimming with Shamu. God had placed the dream on my heart. satan was planning too. That same semester I began dating a guy, who was the son of a Baptist minister. I knew I was supposed to be pursuing Jesus and not a gay life, but life was on my terms now. Luckily, God showed up on our first date in a simple conversation. Jason began to talk about his life. “I grew up Christian, but I knew I was gay”, he said. “I had to choose between the two. I chose gay”. Jason’s statements echoed in my head. No sooner had he said, “I chose gay”, than the Holy Spirit said, “That’s not an option for you”. My spirit agreed. My flesh continued to wrestle with the dilemma of Christianity and my homosexual desires for years.
I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 10 years old at youth camp. Yet even after my angry and ugly, teenage years, Jesus held on to me. When I became a rebellious, misbehaving adult, he directed my paths. I always looked for fulfillment in the arms of other guys, but it was Jesus Christ that gave me what I was searching for in December of 1998.
The final, fateful prayer I would make as a gay man went something like this. “Jesus I‘ve tried for 10 years to make my life work. I have schemed and planned and lived life like I wanted. I’ve gotten nowhere. I am giving you the reigns of my life now. Take control. Let’s see if you can make it work.” It was a desperate cry for help swaddled in a prideful challenge to God. Thank You Jesus for seeing the state of my heart.
I have a friend who says he didn’t leave gay because it was bad. He left gay, because He found something better. I have to agree. If you are gay and proud and have wandered across my blog, please keep reading. Before you label me a bigot, a hater or even an ignorant Christian, know this. I was once where you are now. I was bullied, teased, judged and rejected. I believe a lot of things about myself that God didn’t. Regardless of the debate in the world today, Jesus Christ loves you. He is crazy about you. If you have known Him before and fallen away, He wants you back. If you and I disagree, it doesn’t matter. Jesus is the only thing that matters. He is the key to having a fulfilling life. If you’ve been searching, let your search end with a prayer to Jesus. It needn’t be eloquent or scripted. Yell. Scream. Whisper. Sob. Forget the debate in the world. Remember the Savior of the world. Tell Jesus what you want. Tell Him what you need. Trust that He sees your pain. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
There is a God Who has the ability to transform your life and change your circumstance. Romans 4:17 “…God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.”
Romans 10:13 “for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Endless Search?
Back in the day I dated a lot of guys searching for Mr. Right. Mr. Wrong showed up a lot more often. Yes I said “searching for ‘Mr. Right’ ”. Biblically controversial, but my reality. I grew up starved for healthy, male affection. My relationships with men brought pain and disappointment. At the beginning of my gay life, sex was never the goal. I wanted guy friends to love and value me. I found acceptance from gay men I hadn’t experienced with other guys. The only trouble I experienced in my dating relationships with men was the inherent imbalance. God designed men with sex drive and women with emotional drive thereby establishing balance in relationships. With two men in a relationship, the sex drive is doubled. I didn’t set out to be promiscuous, but with guys the sexual tension over road the balance. The search for value led me down a dark path. My moral convictions faded with each passing relationship.
There was one guy who loved me as best he could. God didn’t ordain our relationship, but being monogamous for a year kept me safe from other sexual exploits. The relationship was doomed from the start. I was trying to be gay and Christian. He was extremely intelligent and an atheist. I knew our relationship was wrong in God’s eyes. He “knew” the church hated “us”. I felt guilty about sex. He didn’t. He was more sexually adventurous than me. I found myself pulled into more explicit forms of sexual expression. My need for value was overshadowed by more carnal desires.
He used to grab and hold my penis the way a couple might hold hands. It was awkward. I felt like my penis was the most important part of me. I wondered, “Does he love me or does he just want sex?” When I said that it bothered me, he got offended. He put the blame back on me. I honestly think he felt judged. Looking back, I see his point. The grabbing was way less sexual than the rest of our lives. I was like a “bank robber” caught holding a duffle full of cash, accusing my partner in crime of being a thief.
Later I proposed we remain celibate for our commitment ceremony. I wanted to be “pure” before God. My thought process: “If gay is the only thing that God sees wrong with me, He’s wrong. He made me gay. He has to let me into heaven if I apply biblical principles for marriage to my gay relationship. I didn't chose gay. God didn't take it away. I ‘followed’ His rules.” Needless to say, my partner didn’t share my beliefs. He broke up with me. “Was sex more important to him than me?” “Were my doubts confirmed?” That night, he apologized and we continued dating, but broke up for good a few months later. There was no reconciling my Christian faith, his atheism, and our relationship.
I felt like more of a possession than a person in my relationships with men. Sex was most often the focal point. satan kept me bound by offering just enough table scraps to keep me hungry and weak, but interested. satan always offers a substitute for God’s plan. My friends, no guy will ever treat you with as much care, as Jesus Christ. Men may want your body. Jesus wants your heart. My relationship with Jesus, led me to discover the truth about my homosexual desires. He also led me to some amazing men of God. My search for value will only end at the Cross-if I choose to let it. Jesus asks that I surrender my old life to Him; in exchange for a new one.
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."
Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Power Struggle
A friend of mine, who happens to be gay, asked me the following question. “Why do some gay men obsess over female celebrities?” I pondered for a moment. Then I gave him a multi-layered answer spanning the course of many years. Just like homosexual desires can’t adequately be addressed with “I was born this way”, the reason some gay men focus heavily on powerful or influential women has its complexities. Picture it, Oklahoma, the 70’s. My family dynamic was hopelessly askew. Growing up in the Walker household, Hazel, not Jack, was in charge. Dad was the disciplinarian, but mom orchestrated our lives. My mom struggled with bi-polar disorder. She ruled with screams, tears or silence. My brother and I gravitated to opposite parents. I was my mom’s son and thus learned how to be a human by watching her. My mom’s maiden name was Williams. William’s women were a force to be reckoned with. Developmental Math Equation: Sensitive male child + A strong woman = Emasculated, little boy. Words synonymous with emasculated: powerless, helpless, impotent, weakened, feeble and ineffectual.
Dad was powerless to stop mom’s hurtful words and actions. He said it was easier to surrender me to my mom, than to fight for me. His words brought with them a great sadness. The enemy told me a thousand lies a minute. “You must have done something wrong to make your dad not love you.” I spent my entire life wondering if I even mattered. Suddenly it made sense why I looked for acknowledgement in the eyes of every man I walked past. I was silently screaming, “Isn’t there any man out there who would simply love me?” I wasn’t looking for sex. I was looking for acceptance, value and my identity as a man. I wasn’t been “born gay”. My damage was the aftermarket result of a lifetime of neglect and abandonment. I saw my dad as passive. Women bulldoze passive men. I don’t want to be a man like dad. I feel different than other men. I don’t identify with men at all.
Mom was in control and I was her favorite. I didn’t always like her methods, but I liked her results. I grew up feeling weak, shy and inadequate in her shadow. I saw dad the same way. Mom was the exact opposite. My close proximity to her, allowed me to mimic her habits. I manipulated people to get what I wanted. Under mom’s wing, I was protected from my father. Mom lavished her love and affection on me. She confided in me. For a long time, I was her source of emotional support. It became a way of life for me. Yet, not even I was safe from her occasional manic outbursts. It was like standing in the flames of hell and hoping for an occasional glimpse of heaven. After 18 years of having my voice silenced, I perceived women to be more powerful than men. I identified more with women, than I ever did with men. No one challenged them. They were strong, courageous and bold. I envied their “power” and saw it as the means necessary to breakthrough my feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness to become a person people respected.
I once shared one of my journal entries with my friend Kathy. I wrote, “I wish I could sing like Whitney Houston.” I was embarrassed, but we had a good laugh. Whitney embodied some of the same characteristics I saw in my mom: Strength, Boldness, Independence and Power. I idolized Whitney, not because I was gay, but because early childhood development shaped who I looked to for direction. Other childhood heroes included Wonder Woman, Samantha from Bewitched, The Designing Women, The Golden Girls and Madonna. Laugh if you will, but they were strong, powerful people who confidently took care of themselves. If my childhood taught me anything, it was the need to take care of myself. No one else was going to do it. Ultimately, my journey out of anonymity in search of purpose came from a very broken place, not from a genetics textbook. I looked a lot of places for answers, before I ever turned to Jesus, but eventually I surrendered my life to Him.
My answer to my friend’s question? A lot of sensitive boys raised by strong women, are subject to my same disillusions. They possibly suffered a disconnection with dad or dad was absent and mom instinctively “took the helm of the ship”. Therefore the model for a young boy to emulate becomes mom, not dad. A lot of gay men’s lives mirrored mine. The world is a broken place and we’ll find our value in persons, places and things. Men who struggle with homosexuality often end up being people pleasers or over achievers. I think it arises out of a need to add meaning and value to our lives. The broken relationships of our past set us up for failure with rudimentary social skills. We find ourselves using any means necessary to get and keep friends in our lives. No life will endure being pushed aside and forgotten for long. Something’s gotta give. Most people want to feel special, to be heard and to know that they matter. I’ve found that people will take any avenue necessary to make that happen.
I think it's always necessary to bring it back to scripture. James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
The following book brought hope help and healing to me. “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: When a parent’s love rules your life”- by Dr. Patricia Love.
(A disclaimer. I don’t doubt for a second that my mother loved me and did the best she could with the limited tools in her “toolkit”. However, replicated brokenness is still brokenness. If you are a mom like mine, don’t take this a rebuke. Take it as a second chance to do right by your son and yourself. It’s the best way to help mend his broken sexuality and your broken heart.)
Porn and Ice Cream
I have treated God like a cosmic “cash machine” most of my life. Over the past few months I have been encouraged to begin to thank God and worship Him in ways that I never have. It’s been a real challenge to pray out of reverence and worship to God, instead of standing before Him presenting my list of demands and then scampering off like a woodland sprite, to go about my day. I ask a lot of God. The bible even says that we should ask things of God and make requests. Understanding more about God is helping me to change my daily prayers. It was difficult at first. I would pray and begin to thank God for what he had done in my life. I thanked Him for everything that He had done or was doing, but rarely did I ever take time to thank Him for just being His awesome, amazing, creator type self. I never struggle with something to say, yet I was stumped when I tried to honor God in my prayers. I would pray for 30 seconds and my mind would go blank; a thousand other thoughts would come to the forefront of my mind. It was horrible. I felt like the worst Christian ever. I wondered- ‘if God had never done anything for me, would I still honor Him or just stop speaking to Him at all?’ So this morning, frustrated and desperately aware that I needed to worship and honor my God for who He is, I sat down with my journal and I began to write. It was difficult at first. My thoughts were racing. ‘Is one page enough?’ ‘If I write two pages, that seems like a waste of journal space and my time?’ ‘I only have a few more thoughts, should I “waste” an entire page for one sentence?’ I was acutely aware that one of the reasons I failed to acknowledge God for who He was, was that at some point in time I had relegated him to a small, programmed portion of my day. WOW! As a Christian who professes to love Jesus, I found that personally shaming. God is supposed to be my ‘everything’. Jesus gave up His very life so that I could choose if I wanted to include Him in mine. Or not. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I want to share what I wrote to my God this morning. I would also love to hear your prayers of worship if you have them. This is an area that I will never stop growing in and I need to know how others do it. I fall so short of honoring my God for who He is.
My prayer- God you have orchestrated a major change in my life. You are all powerful. You are awesome God. I am nothing, but a big, ball of schemes without you. I trust you Lord. Let your heart be known in my life. You led my father to you Lord. You called to him and changed his life, thus altering mine. Thank you Lord. You are God. Incomprehensible. Unfathomable. You deserve our full attention. I want to learn to love you as much as I loved porn or ice cream. I don't want to love your creation more than I love you God. I want to love and appreciate you. Reveal yourself to me. You provide, you create, you reveal. You do these things, because you love us. Out of your infinite love and knowledge you orchestrate our lives. Nothing is beyond your grasp or your site or your ability to prevent. You are God and I am not. You are God.
Thank you for the deliverance of the gay community. God, thank you. I can’t imagine how big You really are. Thank you for making earth and for letting me be a part of it. You’re awesome. You’re the only one that is. Father, You’re amazing. You have life-giving hands. You provide all our needs even as we fight against You. I don’t have that many days left in the grand scheme of things. You are the author of those days. Thank You father. You deliver me, daily. No other deserves my reference. Jesus I cry when I get a cut or a scratch. You suffered immeasurable pain for me. There is nothing I will ever do to deserve what You did for me. I can never repay you. I can never accomplish anything greater. I can never love You to the degree that You loved me. “While we were yet sinners”, You died for us. You prepared a walking path to heaven that some of us will never take. Holy Spirit, thank You for comfort on cold nights. Lonely nights. Nights of debate. Thank You for protection in the silent hours of the night when I am defenseless against the enemy and the world. Holy Spirit, thank You for Your resurrection power that brought Jesus back to life. Lord in Your presence I am protected and healed and led into a holy place.
Thank You for Your holy fire that burns away every aspect of sin and every manifestation of brokenness in my life. Forgive me for doubting. I want to know more about You Lord. I love You Lord. Not for what You do and did but for who You are. You are the ultimate painter, sculptor, builder, creator, father, architect, brother, lover, companion, disciplinarian, etc. . It’s You I want and seek when I look for fulfillment in everything else. Lord help me worship You better, more, longer and more unashamedly. I have lived according to the norms of this world far too long. You are my God. I am so tiny in reference to You. You could crush me, but You are patient and loving, even when I use my hurt and disappointment as a shield against You. Thank You father for a great body of believers that surround me. I envision You standing there holding the universe in your hands, yet holding my life carefully as well. Jesus there are no words to say thank you enough so I will do my best to say it with my life.
I will not be silent or ashamed or afraid of this world. Thank you Jesus for your life lived in service to others. A perfect life. A perfect example. You are my brother who laid down his life for me. You did it all even as you knew I’d live a life of rebellion. Father God, thank You for Your role in all of our lives. We have no idea how awesome You are, or our lives would reflect it. God it was Your divine hand that protected me in my wild days. It is Your divine hand that still protects, loves and guides. I love my parents simply, because that’s what I grew to know. They fought for me at all costs. It wasn’t hard to love them in the end. We had a history together that showed me that I could trust them, even in their imperfect ways. How much more should I learn to love You God?
God, You are perfect. I’ve learned that even when I thought I couldn’t trust You, it was I who was wrong. Our history together shows me You can be trusted, but I don’t want to simply trust You. I want to love You, respect You, honor You and surrender to You. I am nothing Lord without You. I want to know Your love infinitely more than I do right now. I am tired of living as a stranger in Your mansion catching only glimpses of You ever so often as I wander the halls. You are my Father. I want to know You as such. I want to love You for who You are, not for anything You’ve done for me. My understanding of You is severely limited by the fears that have grown out of my history on this broken planet. Give me greater vision Lord as only You can do. You are worthy Lord of our reverence and respect. Thank You Father God. There are not enough words Lord to express my gratitude. I can’t comprehend or imagine what a day in my life looks like through Your eyes. You are awesome! Thank You Lord. --Amen
Porn Star Eviction
On January 1st I published a blog called “Risky Business”. I shared MY 35 year pornography addiction. It’s two months later and things are going well. Is my addiction gone? Am I temptation free? Well…it’s complicated. As long as I am alive I will struggle with something. Pride and Anger have yet to ride off into the distance of my emotional landscape. I have enjoyed a couple months of freedom from pornography and masturbation. My addiction has been surrendered to Christ, but satan still tempts me with aspects of SSA that have very little to do with sex and more to do with satan attacking the very foundation of masculinity in my life. My saving grace has been consistent, daily bible reading and prayer. Yeah, who knew? Long gone are the sad pitiful “end of the day”, after you brush your teeth, right before you fall asleep “devotions” of my past. This was time set aside specifically for God. After all, some days I gave porn 4-6 hours. Why not give God a few moments in my day. Every bible teacher, mentor and Christian friend I have ever known has told me to read the word. I heard them, but I never HEARD them. I began to see my need to for daily interactions with God’s word. I would never miss a physical meal, yet my spiritual man was starved and frail from lack of nourishment. God finally allowed me to experience the weight of my sin.
Matthew 5:28 “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Cue the ‘punch to the gut’. This verse haunted me. I left homosexuality behind 13 years ago. Exactly 3 years more than I lived as a gay man. Yet, every time I masturbated to pornographic images, I had committed adultery in God’s eyes. I could be okay with that and call myself a Christian. The world says that pornography hurts no one. I don’t live according to popular opinion. My God calls it adultery. Therefore, we had a problem. I shared my problem to bring my own darkness into the light. It was an act of obedience to God rather than a confession.com moment.
Hebrews 4:13 “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
Psalm 32:3 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
After writing Risky Business, something broke in my spirit. That level of confession catapulted me to a new level in my Christian walk. I didn’t care who read my words. God is responsible for my promotion and livelihood, not man. I needed to be the kind of pastor that stands before my students and my enemies honest, open and blameless, willing to admit my struggles, before they become everyone else’s stumbling block.
Are you stuck in a downward spiral my friend? No matter your sexuality, do you live a secret life in porn? Jesus can indeed break your chains and bring peace and freedom to areas of your life that seem hopeless. The bible says that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. I believe that has dual meanings. If you are a Christian living under constant condemnation from the enemy, free yourself today. Confess your faults to a pastor, a Christian counselor or a Christian friend. Don’t let the enemy steal one more moment of the life that God designed for you and Him.