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Heart of Stone, Part 3: My Grain of Sand


   Finding Internet here in Colombia is like discovering a liberal who watches Duck Dynasty.  With no Internet access, I couldn’t find my journal reading for the day.  God, instead led me Psalm 119 and began to share new revelations through the Word. 

            We are talking about heart issues here.  So it wasn’t surprising that God led to specific verses about the heart.  Psalm 119:10-11 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.  I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”  If I seek God with all my heart, there is no room for secret sin.  Even the term, gay Christian denotes a heart divided against itself, not fully submitted to God’s design for human sexuality.  No one would ever consider allowing the sin of alcoholism to be an acceptable part of life, and homosexuality is no different.  It’s almost absurd to think of calling oneself an Alcoholic Christian, but calling oneself a gay Christian seems socially acceptable.  It’s like describing a color as Black White or a dish as Hot Cold.  My own experience with homosexuality and Christianity bear witness to this.

            Two scriptures come to mind when I think of gay Christianity.  2 Timothy 3:5 brings to mind those who have a form of godliness, but deny its power.  God has the power to set us free from sin, but if call ourselves a gay Christian we are denying God’s power to redeem our broken sexuality.  2 Timothy 3:1 “…There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”  Denying the power of God to wash and cleanse us from homosexuality is one more way we harden our hearts to the truth of God’s word in exchange for the lie of homosexual desires. 

            My life is an example of how God has set me free from the bondage of homosexuality.  I may still be tempted by the images of my past, but daily I choose not to entertain those thoughts give them life.  This verse talks about obeying God with all my heart and that will assist me in becoming free of my sin.  Romans 6:15 So since God's grace has set us free from the law, does this mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! 16 Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master? You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God and receive his approval. 17 Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you have obeyed with all your heart the new teaching God has given you. 18 Now you are free from sin, your old master…” 

            The heart is fertile ground, allowing the growth of good seeds and bad alike.  If I hide secret sin, it doesn’t remain a secret, but alive and active, infecting every area of my life.  If I in turn hide the word of God in my heart, it also remains active and alive, but when it grows it cleanses and nurtures the rest of my life.           

            Psalms 119:32 “I run in the path of your commands, because you have set my heart free.”  Oh freedom.  So many in today’s world reject God’s design for their lives, because they feel that Christianity is a set of suffocating, stifling rules.  Worldly ‘freedom’ without God is best described as a ‘Freedom’ of bondage.  The ‘freedom’ I tasted in the gay community will never compare to the healing freedom I have experienced as God “has set my heart free”.

            My Grain of Sand--------What did the enemy do to cause me to build “walls” around my pain.  As you may or may not know, I was born a sensitive kid.  That sensitivity allowed for repetitive wounding by the strong personalities of my family. 

            My brother was molested at age 12. His sexual curiosity was awakened and it led him to discover pornography and masturbation, which he introduced to me at the age of 6. The abuse he suffered sent him down a path of sex and experimentation with lots of drugs.  changed him from my loving brother into angry and abusive.  I lived in constant fear of him. 

            My father loved me, but was neglectful and distant. I believed that he loved my brother and the church more than me.  My father was a strict disciplinarian.  It hurt at first, but hurt grew into anger.  I lost all love and respect for my father.  I spent most of my life rebelling against his authority. 

            My mother was bi-polar and unpredictable.  Living with her, was like living with an emotional time bomb.  My mom loved me, but we had a very unhealthy relationship.  I worked hard to make sure I never displeased her, but it was impossible.  She destroyed my relationship with my father, because she hated men and consistently attacked my father’s credibility.  My mom’s father was extremely abusive.  My mother’s moods painted the vast emotional canvas of my brain with a great fear of women.   

            A combination of wounds caused my heart to harden.  The abandonment and abuse by my family led me to feel abandoned by God as well.  Scripture describes God as a loving Father, but my father was angry and distant.  I wanted nothing to do his church or his God.  Scripture says that God would never leave me nor forsake me, but my experience said something else. 

            Years later as God was softening my heart, He would call me to return to my family and ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness and minister to them.  I went, but I was fearful and a little resentful.  Matthew 5:44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.

The Reality of Pain-------  I have a pain in the heel of my foot.  It causes me to walk on the side of my foot, which causes me to hold my leg differently, which pulls on the muscles in my lower back, which causes my upper back to hurt and tightens the muscles that go up into my neck and I get a tension headache.  One tiny little annoyance, pain or sin can throw your entire life out of balance.

            Is any of this God’s fault?  It didn’t matter to me.  I blamed Him.  Ultimately He could have prevented my hurt and my pain.  Years later, someone once said this, “God isn’t allowing bad things to happen to us.  He is allowing bad things to happen for us.”  I didn’t choose to have a family dynamic that shaped the homosexual desires of a sensitive, artistic, creative boy, but without that affliction I may have never known Jesus as sweetly as I do.  Psalm 119:67 “Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word.

Psalm 119:71 “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.”

            In college I prayed and prayed like I was told to for God to change my sexual desires.  God never answered.  I blamed God for my homosexuality and for not healing me.  This hardened my heart further.  I didn’t believe that being gay was right, but the God of the Universe who’s bible said it was wrong, had not given me the desire of my heart, which was to be heterosexual and ‘normal’. 

            Many years later, having truly felt abandoned by both parents, I found comfort in Psalm 27:10, “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.”    

            Is the pain in your heart like the pearl in the oyster?  Do you work to cover up the “irritants” in your life so that you don’t’ have to deal with it?  Do you even remember the initial “grain of sand” that caused your wound?  Every aspect of your current behavior can be swayed by simple woundings in your past.  Is reading this bringing up feeling of hurt and anger?  May these words help you return to God with your hardened heart.  Begin the process of letting go of the hurt, the pain and old wounds.  As it says in James if you draw close to God, He will draw close to you.  Whatever the case may be my friends, know this.  Jesus came to earth in order to give us all a new beginning.  He is ready to offer you one today.  You owe it to yourself to say Yes.  

Heart of Stone, Part 4: Bringing it Full Circle

Repost of My life, My Story