"My Chosen Family"
When I was in my twenties Banana Republic came out with an ad campaign that, even for back then, pushed the envelope of societal norms. The tagline of their three page photo spread was “My Chosen Family”. Those words highlighted pictures of chiseled, male models holding hands with perky, yet elegant female models. As one turned the page there were guys holding hands with guys and girls following in their same sex steps. Those pages were life to my dead, lonely, closeted soul. It was veritable buffet of emotional porn that the enemy used to entice and ensnare simultaneously. They led me to believe I belonged somewhere. I don’t know if you are tired of hearing me pine on and on about what life was like back then, but frankly, I don’t care. Today, in a world where modern technology prevents us from being alone on a toilet for more than two seconds, people are still love starved and desperate for meaningful connection. People are still dying of interminable loneliness. I was that kid. I was that teenager. And somedays I am still that adult. A statement came to me last week that reverberated through the last 45 years of my life.
"I've never had a moment where I was alone, yet I've spent most of my life lonely."
As I hit the send button on each one of these blogs I feel like a scientist sending messages into outer space, waiting and wondering if I will get a response. There are times I know that I am sending out a literary cure for loneliness. Other times I know that I am letting someone know that Jesus has not forgotten them. That God will never leave them, forget about them or leave them alone. Then there are times that I feel this blog goes up like the Bat Signal performing multiple purposes using just one source of light.
I have been experiencing an awakening my friends. Like the feeling generated when you feel the first gust of a fall breeze or see one tiny, unexpected snowflake delivered by the wind. It has nothing to do with the physical seasons and everything to do with the spiritual season of my heart, my calling, God’s timing.
You may or may not know this, but I was born with a super sensitive heart; a blessing from God; a perceived weakness by some. I have suffered great damage to my heart and that sensitivity at the hands of family and those close to me. I couldn't choose my real family. So when the idea that I could actually belong to a loving family, a family of my choosing came along, it tripped every sensor in the “YES, PLEASE” portion of my brain.
I have long since forgiven those closest to me for the atrocities, real and perceived, that were perpetrated on me. Moving beyond the hurt feelings and the need for revenge prevented those who hurt me, from damaging me further. On the other side of forgiveness though, I emerged a different man with responses and reactions that had nothing to do with who God created me to be and more to do with the broken man shaped by the world. I spent the biggest part of my life wanting people to see me as smart, attractive, fun and accomplished. And an even bigger part investing so much time in trying to look like I had finally ARRIVED that I quickly lost sight of the journey and the ever changing destinations.
This past week as hurricane Irma devastated island after island and eventually my home state, I was safely tucked away in Oklahoma visiting my father. I was also blessed to connect with one of my oldest college friends. We hadn’t seen each other in 13 years. Our only knowledge of one another were the snippets of info and blurry pictures scattered across social media and the occasional search engine. Sitting down with my oldest friend, I was confronted with just how much life has passed me by. The passage of time revealed to me that neither one of us are the boisterous, boy crazy fools we were at Oklahoma State. I realized that out of every other person in my life, Scotty knows me better than any human on the face of the planet. That is partially because he has known me so long, but mostly because I decided long ago, he could be trusted and I let him in.
There are Sundays that I am feel like I am being more truthful than every other person in church. I can spot BS from a mile away and smell it from 5. I don’t make friends easily. I don't trust easily either. I feel like someone always has ulterior motives. I imagine that most people as characters in a bad English spy movie. I look for inconsistencies in their stories. Every once in a while the Lord leads me to good people. The Holy Spirit gives me the go ahead and I start a long and meaningful relationship. satan is always stirring up the microscopic seeds of my past to spawn a fresh batch of sh...shtuff. New people who remind us of people in our past, can often trigger old thought patterns, habits and responses. I fight daily to maintain these new relationships with the newly elected members of “my chosen family”.
Different than the people in those Banana Republic ads, the chosen family of my life nowadays are 3 dimensional. They have encountered sickness, heartache, divorce, rape and other atrocities. Some of them have been crushed under the weight of it. Their hearts may never love the same again. But the God we serve is the same yesterday, today and forever. The God we serve will always be by our side, and hold our hand even as He sees fit to allow us to walk through the fires of our everyday Hell.
I do my best to honor my father and mother as the scripture commands, but I will be damned if I will stay silent, keeping a lid on my pain and anguish, because those who have hurt me are now embarrassed by the truths that I share in the open. It is often the victims who suffers fresh, daily death, even after the perpetrators have long since forgotten their crimes.
I wrote a piece of poetry once that dripped with crimson rivers of vengeance. I would never physically harm anyone in real life, but I could murder my foes a thousand times over in my literary ramblings. When I laid down my right to vengeance and asked God for forgiveness and to cleanse my heart from the harm I had wished on my enemies, my chains fell away. For the first time, I could look long and hard into the lives of my tormentors and feel a compassion and an understanding for a life of familiar despair.
God is not my co-pilot as an 80’s bumpersticker once decreed. God is my life support system. Jesus tells me this, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." I sit here in the 2am dark of my Florida living room, praising God not that I found Him or He found me, but instead praising Him because I was never misplaced. Each and every step, each disappointment, each oopsy poopsy was known by my Father in heaven. He saw fit to allow each member of my family and my chosen family to shape, mold, chisel and sculpt the man you see before you today.
I am reminded of a song I used to sing when I was a little boy. “He’s still working on me. To make me what I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be. He’s still working on ME.” I most definitely have not arrived my friends. Some days, I hand out more apologies than accolades. Yet, as I sit here, in the wonderful space of Big Fish Ministry that my Father God provided to me as a refuge, I hear him whisper nightly to “You are My son. You are loved more than you know. You are cared for. You are my precious child. You have not been forgotten. And you will always be MY CHOSEN FAMILY. Love, Dad"
Uncovering the Broken Boy
The world has been talking to me this week. A lot. Tonight I was out watering my blueberry plants, sporting the remnants of an ill conceived, Halloween costume, a tattered Hawaiian shirt, I wasn’t worried what the neighbors think. I make a concerted effort to let them believe that I am the crazy neighbor they shouldn’t mess with. As I stood there, like a deranged, mental asylum escapee, I was mentally rifling through conversations that had taken place over the past two weeks. I shared my story briefly at a small, country church. I had three minutes to cover 44 years. At the mention of homosexuality, all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I was transported back to my childhood church, where I knew better than to share my struggle. I left the church feeling rejected; kinda judged. I also left knowing how so many gay people feel about some churches in our nation today.
Juxtapose that event with a conversation I had with my unchurched, Jewish neighbor, who has a lot of gay friends. They asked about what I had been doing since I left Sea World. I shared everything, They surprised me by their understanding of what I do for ministry. Shouldn’t the understanding and interest have come from the church?
One of the other conversations I was privileged to have was with the first gentleman that ever graced the halls of Big Fish Ministry as a participant back in 2009. Our relationship has been rocky and often riddled with misunderstanding. That changed this week. We agreed to let God lead the conversations from here on out; to love each other better. Gratitude flowed.
I sat down with a 19 year old kid who lost someone close and calls me on occasion to chat, because I am not stranger to death and loss myself. We sat at a coffee shop and chatted. I am seeing huge growth in his life. I am seeing him peer out from behind the curtain of fear to claim the abundant LIFE that our great God has promised him. I am thanking God for letting me be used as a vessel for His love.
I got to chat with a talented artist who has some amazing abilities. He gifted me with some of his creative time to sit and chat. Three of the four conversations I had this week were with straight guys who have never had gay temptations. Yet, when we begin to chat their struggles resonated with mine. The Holy Spirit then pointed out that I don’t have a gay struggle, but simply a human struggle, similar to other guys on the planet. Can I tell you how freeing that is to a guy who felt “bad different” during his young life.
My healing journey with Jesus Christ is the proverbial onion people: layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece. God often reveals truth slowly to me, so that I don’t engage in sin & run away from the man He is shaping me into.
The conversation with the artist revealed a deep inner wound that I don’t think this guy has shared with too many. I asked his permission to share. He said Yes. That day, I felt like the Holy Spirit told me to title our time together was to be called “Uncovering the Broken Boys”. And it was funny, because for the rest of the week, that is exactly what the Holy Spirit did.
If it wasn’t me He was uncovering from the rubble, it was the person across the table from me. God is in the business of rescue missions, but He’s really good at search and recovery as well.
I had two more conversations that were polar opposites. One of the guys I mentor sold his computer, because it was leading him to connect sexually with other guys. The other guy kept making excuses about why he needed his phone or computer. He rationalized about keeping some gay friends while breaking it off with others. With both I offered experiential advice. The difference between the two was this. One guy readily surrendered the “poison” he’d been drinking daily, while the other just kept trying to “change the labels” on the bottles.
I made my best effort to take God into every conversation this week. I was only looking to help or connect, but God had other plans. I started a conversation with a lady at Wal-mart and ended up praying for her. Like Jesus back in the day, this week I was all about my Father’s business. I didn’t used to be that kind of man. I used to search for meaning and value in the arms and lives of the gay men I’d meet. What a redemptive work God has done. The bible says in Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” I found myself in a very different place with these folks. God’s opinion is where I lay my head for rest these days.
My final conversation was with a guy who had no idea who I was, but I knew who he was. He was a guy that had been sexually involved with a guy, while I was actively mentoring that guy. For some reason, God brought him back into my life. When I realized who this guy was, I just wanted to throat punch him, because of the trouble he had caused. I quickly realized though, it wasn’t anger I was feeling, but a mix of emotions. At night’s end, I settled near the corner of “Love him where he’s at and What are you doing God?”
Who are you talking to this week? Where are those conversations leading you? Is God stirring evangelism in your heart? Or is the enemy stirring horny in your loins? Are you tired of struggling with the same old stuff? Are you ready to give up because you feel you are all alone? My conversations led me to Jesus and healing. The bible says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
Let the conversations begin. Let healing flow.
Refuse to spend one more day in the prison of your silence.
Voices in My Head
Our reading today took us to the pool of Bethesda. The bible said that “here a great number of disabled people used to lie- the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.” The focus of the reading this morning was one particular fellow that had been an invalid for 38 years. Wow. That is exactly 4 years less than I have been alive. In the grand scheme of things, this guy had suffered half a lifetime with disability.
John 5
5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” 7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” 8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9 At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked...
14 Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
The man was in his current state for many years. Chances are he had grown accustomed to living this way. He knew of no other way to live so he made the best of his circumstances. He made a life “near the fires of hell”, because there seemed to be no other option. Then Jesus shows up, as he occasionally does and starts asking investigatory questions.
“Do you want to get well?”, Jesus asks. Interesting question. Who wouldn’t want to get well? But Jesus still asks. Surprisingly enough Jesus doesn’t get the Yes that we all might expect, but instead he gets what amounts to be excuses. He tells Jesus, maybe I did way back when, but at this point, it’s hopeless. Then Jesus, once again, doing what Jesus does, calls the man up and out of his bondage. He calls him to “Get up!” Pick up his mat and walk. The bible says at once the man was cured and picked up his mat and walked. Can you imagine what would have happened if the man would have just said, “No thank you” or “How could you do this for me?” Or worse yet, “It’s simply not possible.” “How dare you suggest that there is anything wrong with me.” Thank goodness, the man was obedient to the call of Jesus on his life. Obedience allowed for his healing.
Later on in the story, I find it interesting that when Jesus finds the same man again in the temple, he gives him a spiritual reminder of sorts. Jesus says, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” It leaves me to wonder what happened if anything. Was the healed man sinning in the temple or was Jesus just reminding the man that his newfound freedom would need care and maintenance. That he should guard it and tend it and grow it. I also like that Jesus said, “…you are well again.” The man had the prospective of being well, then being sick and then being well…again.
Much of this man’s story parallels the life of some of the gay men I have mentored. I have met some men who have struggled with homosexuality most of their natural life. Some of these men are in their 50’s and 60’s. They, too, have identified with the hopelessness the man at the pool felt after being afflicted for 38 years. They fear that they have been gay way too long for God to be able to help them with their struggle.
When I walked away from homosexuality I was 27. There was a huge span of history and beliefs that Jesus showed up and begin to question. As a young man just discovering my gay attractions I fought not to accept them. I never chose to be gay, but there was no explanation at the time other than genetics. I prayed for God to take these feelings away night after night. He didn’t. At some point, I would imagine just like the man at the pool, I began to give up and accept that I might have to live as a gay man for the rest of my life. I stopped fighting the feelings. I built a life around homosexuality, because I felt that I was destined to live that way for the rest of my life. It was either adapt and accept or spend the rest of my life apologetic and mopey. I couldn’t do the latter.
When Jesus’ voice became louder than everyone else’s at “the side of the pool” I finally began to listen. “Do you want to get well?”, He asked.
“It isn’t possible.” I said. “Leave me the eff alone. I am going to be gay no matter what. There’s nothing you can do about it.” “I don’t even know if ‘getting well’ is possible.
Then, for whatever reason, a spark of hope began to burn. The hope of not being gay and having a wife and kids and a God filled life grew within me. When Jesus called out to me, he told me to get away from all the random voices in my life and focus on His. It was at that point that I packed up my car and got up and began…to walk.
Healing didn’t come immediately. I slept with an old boyfriend on the move back home. Then when I moved home I tried to connect with an attractive guy I saw in Tulsa. It was at that moment though, that I heard the Holy Spirit’s voice loud and clear. “What are you doing?” I look back now and hear Jesus’ voice as well. “Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
I fear for young men who have known the truth of Jesus’ call on their life out of homosexuality, but have decided that walking this out is too hard. So they return to homosexuality. Homosexuality was a sin that did nothing, but take from my heart and life, sinking me deeper onto the “pavement by the pool”. If I could offer a word of encouragement to those of you struggling with whether or not to continue this fight, I would simply say. Freedom from homosexuality is not the absence of struggle. It is the daily surrender of our broken sexuality to Jesus Christ.
Asking Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life is the first step my friends, but the battle for your life begins there. Satan wants nothing more than to ruin your life and destroy your testimony. A true, spirit filled walk with God is not a one time transaction at the International Bank of Hypergrace United. It is a constant daily maintenance and surrender in an effort to “stop sinning” so that we won’t be worse off than we were before we met Jesus. Walking away from homosexuality was the hardest thing I ever did, but Jesus Christ called me to be obedient to his Word not my feelings. I know now that I was born sensitive, artistic and creative, not gay. God’s call is as fresh and fulfilling today as it was back in 1998.
I trust Jesus and believe in His complete healing for broken sexuality. I found my hope in God’s word, not in the fickle misgivings of human belief and emotion. Are there too many voices in your head right now for you to hear God’s? Then step away and listen to the call of Jesus today. He is asking you today, “Do you want to get well?” How will you respond? With the spark of hope for a new life or Out of vast expanse of your fear, because of the passage of time?
Sweeping the Path
I was reflecting the other day on my animal keeping career that spanned almost 2 decades. These are the photos from that life. It truly was, "Life on stage"; on display for all the world to see. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Gladiator. "The time for honoring yourself is coming to and end." There is no doubt that my love for animals drew me to places like Sea World, but I think it was my love for the attention that the stage affords a person that kept me there. For 6 years I planned my exit from Sea World, but the thought of leaving that "stage" was too much to contemplate at times. I knew that God was calling me to honor him and submit my life, my need for attention and all the rest to Him. God has given me some great gifts over the last 15 years. They haven't come without hard work, but for sure they would have never worked out without God's divine orchestration. As I look back over my life, the pictures above represent times in my life where I was "in the groove" and/or grossly underprepared and about as inept as those wahoos in Washington, D.C. Looking back I can say I was a Christian the whole time, but I think my agenda was sharing "stage time" with the dreams and goals that God had prepared for me long ago. It took me a long time to get here. Mistrust was involved for sure.
I grew up in a house where fear was instilled around every corner. It was as much as part of my day as breathing. One doesn't simply stop being fearful, even though the bible says "Fear Not" 365 times. LOL. I didn't stop being afraid, I just hid from it for many years. I also became somebody else. I was tired of getting hurt at every turn so I became someone who could defend, rather aggressively at times, himself. I let pain, hurt and anger keep me bound and shape my future. I was desperate for a place to belong; a place where I didn't hurt every freakin' moment. A therapist asked me once, "What do you do with your pain?" The reason he asked me is because every time I would bring up a painful memory, I would laugh and dismiss it as if it were nothing. I had developed an awful habit of deflecting pain away from my heart by attacking it like the body attacks a virus. I would grab the pain and wrap it up in "nice little white boxes with red bows and then put it on a shelf to be experienced later." That is what I told him. The only problem was that I had built up a reserve of pain spanning years. The memories of hurt could be accessed faster than any super computer known to man. I wasn't dealing with my pain and allowing healing to come. I was using it as a weapon against myself and those who tried to get close to me. I was managing my pain like a zookeeper manages wild animals, having to always be on guard around them. That same therapist shared this with me of my homosexuality. He proposed that I had "invented an entirely different life to manage my pain." He couldn't have been more right. I became a snarky bitch as a gay man, because it kept people away from my heart. It also kept them from hurting those close to me. I have seen that same attitude from many men in the gay community. I believe it's a protection mechanism.
God recently showed me that during the last few years at Sea World, I began taking more of an interest in training people than animals. There was also an admission that God helped me make, that I was reticent to talk about. I had been unhappy at work for awhile and in my drive to set things right, for myself, I had become a beacon of negativity to my fellow co-workers. Here's what I learned, "Leaders are leading people whether they are speaking positively or negatively." I was a leader at Sea World and yet I was depleting the enjoyment of others around me, because I was unhappy. If you call yourself a Christian or a minister of the gospel, you don't get to tell people when they can and cannot look watch your life. As a Christian, you are always "on stage". You get forgiveness for bad behavior, but you are responsible for every bad seed you sow that takes root. Why was I, a man who called himself a Christian, sowing bad seeds? Mistrust again. Misunderstanding of who God is and who I am as a Christian. The misbelief that because I was a Christian that everything was supposed to go my way. To put it simply: Hurt, pain, betrayal. The big three that will throw anyone off course. I let my pain sidetrack me from the goal once again. Our daily bible reading this morning was so good. It was like standing under Niagara Falls with your mouth open. Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." I was not following the golden rule during my daily routine at Sea World. I was too focused on my needs to be any good to anyone else.
"I am responsible for every word that comes out of my mouth." It's a tough realization looking over my past and realizing that I am responsible for the spiritual and emotional weeds in my life and the lives of those around me. Another quote I heard recently from Rick Warren was that Gossips are emotional terrorists. They wage war on an opponent without letting the opponent know they are even in a battle. I remember the day at work that my attitude changed. I heard from my own co-workers that they wished that the people with all the negativity would keep it to themselves or just get over it. When we replay an argument or an offense over and over in our mind or daily in conversation with others, we are giving ancient pain, new life and new authority to hurt us. At the end of the day, I had a Sunday Come to Jesus meeting with Jesus...of course. God was telling me that my mission field wasn't just those people in the gay community. My mission field is every person that says "Hello" to me today, tomorrow and every day from now on.
Rebuke. Look it up. It's a word that Christians are real familiar with when they have their weapons pointed at offenders, but one they staunchly avoid when the tables are turned. I'll admit it. When you think you are really doing well and God brings up something you did wrong, or someone you hurt, your first reaction is to rationalize like a champ. IT SUCKS, but rebuke is not an option for Christians. It's part of our refining process. Matthew 5:48 "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." My bible notes say this, "Not necessarily without sin, but mature and complete in the likeness of God." I won't be perfect this side of heaven, but I must make every effort to keep the pathway between me and God clear. Understand? A tortured and bogged down Christian will find it difficult to share a victorious life in Christ if they aren't living it.
"It's a new season." This song is playing in the background as I type. "To make all things new. To make me come alive." How crazy awesome is God, to allow that song to play as I tell you about a new season in my life. As I trust in God, He creates a new reality for me. Many people have asked me over and over again if I miss the animals at Sea World and the answer is an unequivocal "YES". But I know God has called me on to greater things. There is nothing better in this life than sharing Jesus with others and seeing them "Come alive". The pictures above represent a different life, a different time and a different me. The ones below? Well, this is my life now. There were years I thought I would never have any friends. God has opened up the storehouses of heaven and now they just won't stop coming. My prayer in this new season is that God allows me to "See every face, Hear every broken heart and be the man to others that He created me to be." That includes a rebuke every now and then and a constant sweeping of the pathway so that new guests can find their way to Jesus just like I did so long ago. God bless you and those you have chosen to do life with. We are glad you are here!
He Chose Me
2:32 am- I can't sleep. I just wrote to my cousin in Oklahoma. He is much younger than me. We tried to connect once when I was home, but he is gay and I am ex gay and he tells me I treated him like a project in our short interaction. I have since apologized, but we don't exchange Christmas cards yearly. I felt like I was supposed to share my day with him. It was a great day in ministry for me. Skype guy in Alabama: Cry, Pray, Encourage. Skype guy in Kazakhstan:Learn Russian, Pray, Encourage, Rebuke, Love on him. Received a call from a girl I know about a guy friend who is gay and was severely beaten by his boyfriend in a drunken rage. It was severe enough that the guy moved out, closed down his facebook and is searching for God, spirituality or answers now. I received a call to pray about this guy. We'll call him Drew. She didn't call me praising God that maybe through this trauma Drew will turn straight. She called me hoping that Drew will now turn to Jesus. She called me to pray. And pray I did. While we do believe that there is freedom from homosexuality, our prayer and ministry focus isn't "Get 'em Straight!" It's "Get 'em Jesus!". My second call of the day was from a dad who needed some advice about how to handle his son's homosexuality, porn use and lies. The dad had cooked up some pretty dire consequences for the boy if the bad decisions and behavior continue. I talked him down off a ledge and simply encouraged him to love his son in the midst of a situation that the dad doesn't understand. I encouraged him to take the extreme consequences off the table and instead put forgiveness back on it and a little tough love. Whether the kid is gay or straight, porn is not appropriate for anyone at any age. Also hanging out in certain places on the internet where sketchy adults can lurk, whether you are a straight young lady or a gay young man, is not a good idea. At the end of the day, any child under 18 is entrusted to a parent by God. Like it or not kids, the parents are responsible to God for how they instruct and guide you. If you don't like it, McDonalds is hiring and there is a nice apartment for rent next to the liquor store and local hoochie house. As an added bonus, I have another friend visiting from out of town, who I will be watching the sunset with in 3 hours 33 minutes. Once we have witnessed this amazing view that only God could paint, then we will chatting about Jesus and exactly what a surrendered life looks like. I met this kid years ago at an Exodus Conference. I was his small group leader. He started off his introduction by telling me that he didn't like small groups too much. He didn't plan on sharing or talking and that was that. Well the Holy Spirit and I worked our magic and I have had the privilege of pouring into this young man's life for many years now. Praise God!
So that was my day. Better than any dolphin foot push, killer whale waterwork or the applause of the most affirming crowd I have ever experienced. I didn't make one red cent for my work today, but I feel like a millionaire, because God chose me to do this ministry. He chose me to love on gay kids who want out of the gay life and gay kids who don't. He chose me to love on gay couples who have been together 14 years and those who have separated, because they have heard the call of God on their lives. He chose me to share the love of Jesus, where the name of Jesus can't yet be spoken. This is the best life ever. He chose me!