Heart of Stone…1
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Heart of Stone
Recently I was given the opportunity to preach a sermon at a Colombian church in, well, Colombia; South America. The Parents of one of the guys that I mentor asked if I would preach a message during my 2 week visit to their city. I had a few other topics rumbling around my head when the Holy Spirit dropped the phrase “Heart of Stone” into the mix. I was excited about this topic, but I knew what was going to happen. This was going to be another one of those sermons where the Holy Spirit speaks through me and then hangs me up in front of everyone as the poster child for (Insert struggle or sin here). The truth is that I have lived most of my life with a hard heart. So I was well versed with personal experience and lessons learned.
My dad was a devout Christian so when the enemy couldn’t get to him, satan got at my dad by attacking his family. God called me into the ministry at the age of 9. I rejected that call, because I wanted material things that preachers didn’t have. I rejected God’s plan for my life, but I would spend the next 9 years hearing the Word preached in our little Assembly of God church.
As a result of running from God and a lot of misunderstanding between my father and I, I became the Prodigal son. I distance myself from my family, because of my struggles with homosexuality and anger, ran up huge credit card bills, got lost in pornography, masturbation and spent 10 years as an actively gay man. Thought, my life was out of control, I couldn’t turn to the church. Many Christians said that my sin was the worst. I couldn’t turn to God. All throughout my life I prayed constantly for Him to take away my attractions to other guys and he never did. I ran from God for 18 years. With every step my heart grew harder. At age 27 my hardened heart had had enough. I quit my jobs and returned home and to both my earthly father and my heavenly Father. It was December 22, 1998 and I had begun the process of letting God soften my heart.
God used Matthew 27 and the events surrounding Jesus’ tomb as a foundation for this message.
Matthew 27:62 The next day…the chief priests and the Pharisees went to Pilate. “we remember that while (Jesus) was still alive that deceiver said, ‘After three days I will rise again.’ 64 So order for the tomb to be made secure until the third day. Otherwise, his disciples may come steal the body and tell the people that he has risen from the dead. 65 Pilot Answered “Take a guard. Make the tomb secure...” They went and made the tomb secure by putting a seal on the stone and posting the guard.
Matthew 28:1 After the Sabbath, ad dawn...Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. 2 There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen…
Well revisit that scripture a little later…
If you are an older reader you know I have mentioned this before, but it is worth mentioning again. I was born a very sensitive child. I used to hate how sensitive I was. I would tear up when I was happy, passionate or when I was excited about something new. It was embarrassing. I learned that God had gifted me with a sensitive heart so that I could sense the voice of the Holy Spirit. Sensitive hearts were created for God’s glory. The problem is that sensitive hearts are easily damaged and can be a target for the enemy. A sensitive heart can damaged by a single event, a single person or repeated offenses by the community.
Later in life, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that my tears were my physical, fleshly body’s response to being in the presence of the most High God. My flesh bowed down, even when my heart remained staunch and unwaivering.
My mother was a harsh woman who didn’t know what to do with my sensitive heart. She wasn’t always the safest person to be vulnerable around so when I was around her, I hid my emotions. After many years of stifling my sensitivity, I woke up one day and I was angry at the world and numb.
I continually suffered hurt and abuse. I withdrew from people who hurt me. I stopped trusting them. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “I think I’ll harden my heart to protect myself from getting further hurt today”, but offenses and wounding over time caused me to build a wall around my heart. As you read this blog, please know that you aren’t simply reading the story of a broken man. God has brought you here on purpose. Listen closely for your story, in mine. Listen for the hope of God that will soften your own Heart of Stone.
Hard heart vs. Sensitive Heart. A hard heart is deaf to the Holy Spirit’s Voice, has troubling trusting God or anyone, is detrimentally self reliant and is full of turmoil. Satanic influence and unchecked turmoil run amuck in the life of a struggler, in my opinion, is a huge, contributing factor to someone taking their life. Whereas the various humanistic organizations around the world would have you believe it’s the fault of the church or Christians. A sensitive heart listens for the Holy Spirit’s Voice, trusts God and as a byproduct of that trusts in others, cares for people and has a peace about it, even as turmoil rages outside.
Some diagnostic questions for you. Is your heart in danger? Have you been wounded? Do you make decisions based on your feelings or God’s will? What do you do with your pain? -- Keep it to yourself? Rage against the world? Do you rely on God’s strength or your own? And finally… Are you tired?
Jesus says in Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Do you consider your weaknesses humiliating or a place for God to show his strength? Have you surrounded yourself with bad people or people of faith?
1 Corinthians 15:33 “bad company corrupts good character.”
2 Timothy 4:3 …a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.
I will end, part 1 of this three part series with something my mentor John used to always ask our guys.
“Who knows you well enough, to look you in the eyes and ask you tough questions that make it impossible for your sin to survive another day?”
He Chose Me
2:32 am- I can't sleep. I just wrote to my cousin in Oklahoma. He is much younger than me. We tried to connect once when I was home, but he is gay and I am ex gay and he tells me I treated him like a project in our short interaction. I have since apologized, but we don't exchange Christmas cards yearly. I felt like I was supposed to share my day with him. It was a great day in ministry for me. Skype guy in Alabama: Cry, Pray, Encourage. Skype guy in Kazakhstan:Learn Russian, Pray, Encourage, Rebuke, Love on him. Received a call from a girl I know about a guy friend who is gay and was severely beaten by his boyfriend in a drunken rage. It was severe enough that the guy moved out, closed down his facebook and is searching for God, spirituality or answers now. I received a call to pray about this guy. We'll call him Drew. She didn't call me praising God that maybe through this trauma Drew will turn straight. She called me hoping that Drew will now turn to Jesus. She called me to pray. And pray I did. While we do believe that there is freedom from homosexuality, our prayer and ministry focus isn't "Get 'em Straight!" It's "Get 'em Jesus!". My second call of the day was from a dad who needed some advice about how to handle his son's homosexuality, porn use and lies. The dad had cooked up some pretty dire consequences for the boy if the bad decisions and behavior continue. I talked him down off a ledge and simply encouraged him to love his son in the midst of a situation that the dad doesn't understand. I encouraged him to take the extreme consequences off the table and instead put forgiveness back on it and a little tough love. Whether the kid is gay or straight, porn is not appropriate for anyone at any age. Also hanging out in certain places on the internet where sketchy adults can lurk, whether you are a straight young lady or a gay young man, is not a good idea. At the end of the day, any child under 18 is entrusted to a parent by God. Like it or not kids, the parents are responsible to God for how they instruct and guide you. If you don't like it, McDonalds is hiring and there is a nice apartment for rent next to the liquor store and local hoochie house. As an added bonus, I have another friend visiting from out of town, who I will be watching the sunset with in 3 hours 33 minutes. Once we have witnessed this amazing view that only God could paint, then we will chatting about Jesus and exactly what a surrendered life looks like. I met this kid years ago at an Exodus Conference. I was his small group leader. He started off his introduction by telling me that he didn't like small groups too much. He didn't plan on sharing or talking and that was that. Well the Holy Spirit and I worked our magic and I have had the privilege of pouring into this young man's life for many years now. Praise God!
So that was my day. Better than any dolphin foot push, killer whale waterwork or the applause of the most affirming crowd I have ever experienced. I didn't make one red cent for my work today, but I feel like a millionaire, because God chose me to do this ministry. He chose me to love on gay kids who want out of the gay life and gay kids who don't. He chose me to love on gay couples who have been together 14 years and those who have separated, because they have heard the call of God on their lives. He chose me to share the love of Jesus, where the name of Jesus can't yet be spoken. This is the best life ever. He chose me!
Porn and Ice Cream
I have treated God like a cosmic “cash machine” most of my life. Over the past few months I have been encouraged to begin to thank God and worship Him in ways that I never have. It’s been a real challenge to pray out of reverence and worship to God, instead of standing before Him presenting my list of demands and then scampering off like a woodland sprite, to go about my day. I ask a lot of God. The bible even says that we should ask things of God and make requests. Understanding more about God is helping me to change my daily prayers. It was difficult at first. I would pray and begin to thank God for what he had done in my life. I thanked Him for everything that He had done or was doing, but rarely did I ever take time to thank Him for just being His awesome, amazing, creator type self. I never struggle with something to say, yet I was stumped when I tried to honor God in my prayers. I would pray for 30 seconds and my mind would go blank; a thousand other thoughts would come to the forefront of my mind. It was horrible. I felt like the worst Christian ever. I wondered- ‘if God had never done anything for me, would I still honor Him or just stop speaking to Him at all?’ So this morning, frustrated and desperately aware that I needed to worship and honor my God for who He is, I sat down with my journal and I began to write. It was difficult at first. My thoughts were racing. ‘Is one page enough?’ ‘If I write two pages, that seems like a waste of journal space and my time?’ ‘I only have a few more thoughts, should I “waste” an entire page for one sentence?’ I was acutely aware that one of the reasons I failed to acknowledge God for who He was, was that at some point in time I had relegated him to a small, programmed portion of my day. WOW! As a Christian who professes to love Jesus, I found that personally shaming. God is supposed to be my ‘everything’. Jesus gave up His very life so that I could choose if I wanted to include Him in mine. Or not. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I want to share what I wrote to my God this morning. I would also love to hear your prayers of worship if you have them. This is an area that I will never stop growing in and I need to know how others do it. I fall so short of honoring my God for who He is.
My prayer- God you have orchestrated a major change in my life. You are all powerful. You are awesome God. I am nothing, but a big, ball of schemes without you. I trust you Lord. Let your heart be known in my life. You led my father to you Lord. You called to him and changed his life, thus altering mine. Thank you Lord. You are God. Incomprehensible. Unfathomable. You deserve our full attention. I want to learn to love you as much as I loved porn or ice cream. I don't want to love your creation more than I love you God. I want to love and appreciate you. Reveal yourself to me. You provide, you create, you reveal. You do these things, because you love us. Out of your infinite love and knowledge you orchestrate our lives. Nothing is beyond your grasp or your site or your ability to prevent. You are God and I am not. You are God.
Thank you for the deliverance of the gay community. God, thank you. I can’t imagine how big You really are. Thank you for making earth and for letting me be a part of it. You’re awesome. You’re the only one that is. Father, You’re amazing. You have life-giving hands. You provide all our needs even as we fight against You. I don’t have that many days left in the grand scheme of things. You are the author of those days. Thank You father. You deliver me, daily. No other deserves my reference. Jesus I cry when I get a cut or a scratch. You suffered immeasurable pain for me. There is nothing I will ever do to deserve what You did for me. I can never repay you. I can never accomplish anything greater. I can never love You to the degree that You loved me. “While we were yet sinners”, You died for us. You prepared a walking path to heaven that some of us will never take. Holy Spirit, thank You for comfort on cold nights. Lonely nights. Nights of debate. Thank You for protection in the silent hours of the night when I am defenseless against the enemy and the world. Holy Spirit, thank You for Your resurrection power that brought Jesus back to life. Lord in Your presence I am protected and healed and led into a holy place.
Thank You for Your holy fire that burns away every aspect of sin and every manifestation of brokenness in my life. Forgive me for doubting. I want to know more about You Lord. I love You Lord. Not for what You do and did but for who You are. You are the ultimate painter, sculptor, builder, creator, father, architect, brother, lover, companion, disciplinarian, etc. . It’s You I want and seek when I look for fulfillment in everything else. Lord help me worship You better, more, longer and more unashamedly. I have lived according to the norms of this world far too long. You are my God. I am so tiny in reference to You. You could crush me, but You are patient and loving, even when I use my hurt and disappointment as a shield against You. Thank You father for a great body of believers that surround me. I envision You standing there holding the universe in your hands, yet holding my life carefully as well. Jesus there are no words to say thank you enough so I will do my best to say it with my life.
I will not be silent or ashamed or afraid of this world. Thank you Jesus for your life lived in service to others. A perfect life. A perfect example. You are my brother who laid down his life for me. You did it all even as you knew I’d live a life of rebellion. Father God, thank You for Your role in all of our lives. We have no idea how awesome You are, or our lives would reflect it. God it was Your divine hand that protected me in my wild days. It is Your divine hand that still protects, loves and guides. I love my parents simply, because that’s what I grew to know. They fought for me at all costs. It wasn’t hard to love them in the end. We had a history together that showed me that I could trust them, even in their imperfect ways. How much more should I learn to love You God?
God, You are perfect. I’ve learned that even when I thought I couldn’t trust You, it was I who was wrong. Our history together shows me You can be trusted, but I don’t want to simply trust You. I want to love You, respect You, honor You and surrender to You. I am nothing Lord without You. I want to know Your love infinitely more than I do right now. I am tired of living as a stranger in Your mansion catching only glimpses of You ever so often as I wander the halls. You are my Father. I want to know You as such. I want to love You for who You are, not for anything You’ve done for me. My understanding of You is severely limited by the fears that have grown out of my history on this broken planet. Give me greater vision Lord as only You can do. You are worthy Lord of our reverence and respect. Thank You Father God. There are not enough words Lord to express my gratitude. I can’t comprehend or imagine what a day in my life looks like through Your eyes. You are awesome! Thank You Lord. --Amen