Secret Struggle

I am reading back over some of my journals. It's like I wrote them in code. I think it was my way of protecting myself if anyone stumbled across my journals by accident. What a pivotal and timeless piece of information detailing the struggle I was having with my sexuality. I didn't think there was anyone who could help. I thought I was gay. Prayer even seemed to fall on deaf ears. I thought I couldn't share my problems with my parents or any of my friends. I thought they'd hate me. I wondered if I was going to hell. There was no one I could talk to. I thought there was no one who could help and that homosexuality was my fate. I was so deceived, but so many years later I see that Jesus Christ was the answer to my inner turmoil. I love reading back over these journal pages to see how desperate I was, but how God never deserted me. December 21, 1991

There is no way anyone who is not combating it can know what it is like. They may only compare it to their strong attraction for alcohol or some other form of addiction. Only there is no addiction stronger, no desire more unfightable. The impossibilities behind fighting are numerous. There is no way to win, it is always there like a temptation with magnetic appeals. No charged metal mind of our nature can resist such a magnet. You can fight forever and never have enough strength to beat it. Never have enough time before it tears you down so far that then is no back way out. And you are the only one that understands. You are afraid, but there has never been or ever will be a place to turn.

There is no greater pain than disappointing the ones you love. They stand around you all your life guarding you against all harm, but in the end they’re the ones that are against what you stand for. You hurt them because you can’t talk to them about it. So when they`re around you are thinking to yourself and you don’t talk. They think you`re mad at them, but you‘re not You're hurting without them, because if they knew they would hurt too and that would be more than enough. More than anyone needs. So in your quiet little words you mope, and dream of a better life. Your parents are so proud. You went to college and showed them that you are a good kid and you showed them you are smart. Then tragedy hits. Your life is in shambles on the inside. On the outside a little boy has everything normal children need for a normal childhood, But the baby inside is growing up to fight a losing battle and in the end, he will slowly die from it. And you know why? Of course not. No one knows and no one understands, but it happens. Shit happens. In the end, they are all ready to pass judgment, but while a life is burning in flames around them they offer no water for the fire. And it rages on destroying the initial life, singeing the hearts of those around. And the funny thing about the whole thing is that the people who are bystanders have problems, too. They find help. There's help for them. You bet. But there is no help, no solution for the puzzle my life has become. I've tried to figure it out. Alcohol, friends, even prayer Imagine that. Prayer didn't even work. Although it helped curb the urge for longer than the others. They say time heals all wounds. Yeah right. If time doesn't kill them first. You see time is something I don't have a lot of. I never have had. I would give up everything I own to be free from this burden. I'd run up and down the streets naked. But I can't, because there is no solution. I have tried and all has failed. My soul goes on in turmoil and the silence continues. Oh yes, the silence reigns.

A Peek Into my Past

The year was 1995. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of one year and I was deeply depressed. I was graduating from Texas A&M University At Galveston in a few months and I was done with life, school, love and everything. My parents gave me a $1500 check for graduation. Which was always funny to me, because over the years they had written me checks in the amount of about $70,000 for my degree. I think that was their way of saying "We love ya, and this is the last check! Enjoy. We are going on vacation." I graduated in December. I was still living with my ex. I was going out every night and spending money like crazy. Somehow the car and the amazing job that were supposed to be mine right after college never made their way to my doorstep. It was a mutual decision not to let go o our apartment, because neither one of us could afford another one. And after all we were the modern gay couple who weren't a couple, but could still be friends. It worked for Joseph, but for me it was continued emotional torture. I didn't know how to shut off my emotions as easily as he did. He broke up with me, so I was still the jilted lover looking for any signs of "He still loves me". Several situations arose that I took full advantage of. I wanted back in his life. I was lonely, afraid and let's be honest, horny at times. I still hadn't made my big decision to return to Jesus yet, but it wouldn't be much longer.

God had orchestrated the break up I know. Joseph broke up with me while my dad was visiting and my father was the only one there to console me after the breakup. It wasn't my choice of people to have around. After all my dad was a staunch Christian who had always taught me that homosexuality was wrong. As I look back now, I am so glad it was my dad that was there. It was God's way of keeping me safe. And although my dad didn't agree with my dating choices, he did understand real hurt and helped me get through.

So when the graduation money ran out and I didn't want to roll out of bed, Joseph came to me one morning and said, "Matty I think you might be clinically depressed." It was all I could do not to say "You're damn right I am. I don't have a job. I am broke. And you broke up with me at a really bad time. My family doesn't agree with the way I live my life. I am lost and I have a hangover. Yeah! I might be depressed."

Instead of all that I agreed with him and we began to research what I could do. At that time UTMB offered state run medical care and counseling. I decided to go to a doctor to see if he could recommend a counselor for me. This is the funny part. My very first appointment was with an MD on staff. I had to see him before he would recommend a counselor. SO there I was: depressed, angry, low self esteem, confused about whether or not I wanted to be gay and a whole host of other emotions. I walked into the examining room and in walks "that guy". The Dr. that they had chosen to see me was a 20 something, 6.5 ft tall, college athlete, carved out of cream cheese, built like a brick outhouse, gorgeous man with great hair. I remember being even more depressed after sitting there staring at him for a few minutes. This guy was a hottie. I didn't want to tell him my problems. I wanted to see if he was free on Saturday night. But alas, it was the great irony of God that this man whom I esteemed to be one day, calmed me down. He listened to my struggles and my plight. He gave me comfort and a recommendation to see an amazing counselor who helped me through the last few months of living with Joseph in that seaside apartment in Galveston.

There were so many occasions where I came close to leaving homosexuality behind my friends. I was in and out of the closet more times that Lady Gaga at the Oscars. Each time I tried to escape, the hand of God was there: providing, loving, daring me to step just a little closer to him. I look back at my journals now and know the hand of God was always in my life. He always kept watch over me. He keeps watch over my friends currently celebrating their gay lives. He is the same God today, as he was to me so many years ago. That is why as parents or friends of gay men and women, pray is not our last resort, it is the first defense against the enemy's plan for your sons, your daughters and your friends. Prayer is a privilege to call to the God of heaven for change, for revelation and so He, not you, can show your loved ones that there is another path for their lives. Proverbs 3:5&6 says it best. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths. The enemy is a created being. God is the creator. Today, let's stop putting more faith in satan and what we see in our kid's lives and realign our faith to the Father and to Jesus Christ.

The Big Fish

One of the biggest blessings in my lifetime was that my father and mother let me move back into their home when I decided to leave the prodigal road and return to God. I contemplated the move for a many months. Every conversation with my dad was saturated with fatherly invitations to come home and regroup. My life sucked at the time. To move home would be to admit failure. Pride and the whispers of the enemy kept me from surrendering. Eventually, I did move home. My father paid for the move, rented me a car and did everything in his power to help me support my decision. It was a difficult move. I felt like I was giving up on everything. I had failed at life. I was also giving up my gay life and the "freedoms" I had. My flesh didn’t die a silent death. I was moving home to reconnect with Jesus, but on the drive home, I reconnected with Stephan, an old boyfriend, for a one nightstand. Even as I was headed in the general direction of God, I frequently stumbled. This is one statement I want Christians to hear. I had made the decision to repent and turn back to God and deny my flesh, but the flesh often doesn’t take “NO” for an answer. There are gay men and women out there who want to walk away from homosexuality, but your high expectations that they be perfect and never stumble again on the road to the cross are stifling, unrealistic and unloving. Grace has to be given them, the same as it was given to you.

Giving up my gay life wasn’t that hard at first, because to be honest, I didn’t sit and contemplate what I was giving up. I simply told myself, “I’m not going to have sex today.” I repeated this daily exercise in faith every day. Before too long, day after day became 14 years later. A new life rose from the ashes of my old one. I always knew homosexuality was wrong, but I also knew I had never chosen it. It was a feeling that was always there in my heart and mind, the same way that my heart beat in my chest. There was no planning or choosing. It just was.

I needed to distance myself from sexual sin and homosexual influences. You may be surprised to know that I also distanced myself from my staunch Christian friends as well. Gay friends wanted me to “shut up and dance” and Christians wanted me to crucify my flesh and just “pray more” and try to be straight. I couldn’t live up to either of their expectations, so I left them behind and got alone with God. You can call me sacrilegious if you want, but the first “holy” trinity I knew consisted of Jesus, Myself and My Dad. The three people that mattered most. Everyone else wanted their goals for my life, not God’s will.

I spent a year at home praying, reading the bible, paying off bills and listening to radio preachers. I was taught by Pastor Phil Clements how to slowly ingest and devour the Word of God. My parent’s house was a place of refuge for me. A place where I could hide away from the world’s, detrimental voices and listen for God’s voice.

Many years later I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to open my own home to homosexual strugglers wishing to leave homosexuality behind. We are entering our third year as a ministry. We call ourselves the Big Fish. My friend and ministry partner Stacy and I are gearing up for a new season of ministry to guys at Big Fish and in the world at large.

I believe the Holy Spirit led me to the following scriptures. They are representative of what we do here at the house. We don’t cure people. We are here to walk alongside men whose lives have been affected adversely by homosexuality. We are here to stand as a band of brothers and provide a place of refuge where men can connect with their heavenly father and find freedom from homosexuality.

In Acts 3 we find Peter and John going to the temple for prayer time. Acts 3:2 “Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going in to the temple courts. “ The man asked Peter and John for money. Acts 3:6 “Then Peter said, ‘Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have, I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.’ ”

Here is the cool part that applies to the ministry of Big Fish. Acts 3:7-8 7 Taking him by the right hand, [Peter] helped him up and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. 8 He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping and praising God.

I see myself and Stacy as these men, Peter and John taking men by the hand and helping them up out of their “situations”. Helping them to have freedom from a “crippling condition” that they feel they have had since birth.

We have had victories and defeats here at the Big Fish. Setbacks don’t lead us to give up, they are simply challenges that shape the way we attack the future. Men have met Jesus as a result of this ministry. Men have received the baptism of the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues. Men have come face to face with Jesus. Men have discovered the truth here, whether or not they still choose to embrace it. As long as there are men that need rescuing, our doors will be open. We are simply two guys with one house and a whole lot of vision.

Ten Lepers Stand Outside a Bar...

I love sharing my testimony of Jesus Christ. He led me out of homosexuality. I love it when men who have been delivered from Same Sex Attractions (SSA), use their freedom to help and encourage other guys who struggle homosexually. My journey away from gay has been rocky at times, but always worth the hike. In fact, one of the guys I mentored 3 years ago texted me today. “Tell me it’s worth it! ,” he texted. Caught off guard, I asked, “Worth What?” “Worth giving up a shot with the most, amazing looking guy, I saw at the mall.” he said. “It’s worth it,” I texted back. “Thanks,” he said. It’s worth missing out on that amazing guy in order to be a part of God’s plan for your life. It’s worth not being some guy’s conquest and being Jesus Christ’s conqueror. A life surrendered to Christ, where we deny what our flesh wants, is worth the lonely, teary-eyed nights we go to bed alone. Everything I ever experienced in my ten years steeped in gay culture is worth even just one minute in the presence of Jesus Christ. One of the great desires I have for men and women who leave their gay identities behind is that they share it with the world. (Warning, there may be some persecution involved.) I have met so many that simply want to get healed and never talk about their homosexual past ever again. I see that as selfish. It says, “I got what I needed. Screw the rest of you.” Every day another celebrity, politician or news anchor feeds us another steaming pile of the gay gospel, it goes head to head with the truth that we have experienced. We may stumble, but we recognize that the bible identifies homosexuality as a sin. We strive to be free from a gay identity instead of living a life centered around a gay identity. Attempting to walk away from homosexuality without Jesus Christ, is like running on a treadmill. You’ll expend a bunch of energy getting absolutely nowhere. Gay men and women may be a fractional 10% of the population, but over the past decade their voices have drowned out and influenced the opinions of the remaining 90%. I would like that to end. I would simply like dialogue, where a shouting match has ensued. Remember the 10 lepers that Jesus cleansed. Luke 17:12 “As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 14 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. 15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him… I love this story. They weren’t immediately set free from their ailments. “As they went, they were cleansed.” Healing is often a process. As we exercise faith, we are made whole. Even though ten lepers were cleansed, only one came back to thank Jesus. I want to be that guy. I want my brothers and sisters who have walked away from homosexuality to be like that guy. Christ healed us from a life altering situation. We have to return and give praise and thanks. We have to spread the news of Christ’s good will and his ability and willingness to set us free.

A Heart For God

I was thinking about a particular portion of my life way back when and this story came to mind. I felt like God was telling me to post this story tonight in order to inform both Christians and men trapped in homosexuality who may be Christian or are simply lost. When I was running from God and pursuing the gay life that I thought I had been born into, there were moments, pockets of freedom I guess you could call them when my heart longed to do the right thing. My longest relationship lasted about a year. The only reason is lasted that long was because I couldn't break it off because I didn't want to be alone. And also because I wanted to prove to all the Christians that gay relationships lasted. My boyfriend and I had been dating for the better part of 6 months. We were discussing a commitment ceremony, because we were truly in love with one another. I think I just felt the Christians who have never struggled with deep sexual sin cringe. I am not saying that it was a love that God ordained, but if two people care about one another, regardless if their sexes are aligned with scripture, it is a love that is palpable, endearing, sustaining and real. Open your minds people. Anyway. It was love at first sight for me. He was gorgeous and I was single, alone and horny at the time. I never got to the point of discussing religion with him. Besides it had been my experience up until that point that most gays, didn't want to talk about religion or the church, unless it was recount their own particular story of rejection "in the name of Jesus." So there we were 6 months down the road. In love, sexually active and ready to make a commitment to one another. In all honesty, I was more in love with the idea of being with someone and proving to the world that I was normal than I was in love with the guy I was with. I loved him. I just loved the part he played in my plan to normalize homosexuality to the world more.

I believed for the longest time that God had played a part in allowing me or creating me to be gay. I prayed every night in college for him to remove the feelings from my life and he never did. Night after night, prayer after prayer, the feelings always were there in the morning. Instead of building a life around God, I took his silence to mean that I was to build a life around gay. So I did.

Back to my story. So one day I sat my long time boyfriend down and told him that I wanted to be pure for my wedding ceremony with him. I wanted for us to be pure before God, because I was convinced that God had created me gay. I believed that the bible was wrong on the issue of homosexuality, because of the intense, homosexual feelings I had. I believed that if I lived a pure and noble life dedicated to God that when I stood before Christ all the Christians would have to eat there words, because I had been right. I even believed that God would have to let me into heaven, because I followed the word to the letter all except homosexuality. But I just knew he had created me that way. I wasn't prepared for what my boyfriend told me and did next. His response to me was that he was an Atheist and that he didn't believe in the God I did. He couldn't believe that I was sending money to people that hated us, when he found out I paid my tithes to the church I used to attend. He also told me that sex was way too important to him and he didn't want to give it up. He then broke up with me. WOW! Not the response I was expecting. I cried a lot. I needed him in my life. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he needed me too. The break up lasted all of a few hours and we were back together. He loved me enough to agree to my wishes, but he wanted to get married soon.

Off we went. We embarked on a sexless life together until we could stand before a God he didn't believe in and one that I believed in, but was deceived about and pledge our lives together. My resolve didn't last for long. He immediately asked for a compromise and we fell back into sexual behaviors other than sexual intercourse. Then one night, we fell sexually with one another. It was the beginning of the end. Though sex was pleasing to my body, my soul was locked in conflict. Why couldn't I have fought this? Why couldn't I stand strong? I realize now, it was because I was hybridizing the gospel of Christ with the “gospel” I had written to include my homosexuality. The bible can’t be compromised and have the strength and power of Christ. We either are followers of Christ or we are pagan lookalikes with no real power from God, but only the bondage of the enemy. When you sign a contract with the enemy, don’t expect him to let you leave with your life. He will take everything you have and do it even as you think you are the one in control of your life.

I invited my mom to the commitment ceremony in a letter. She then "accidentally" left the letter on the counter for my father to read. He made a trip 750 miles to share the gospel with me and my partner at the time. That is the kind of father I have. He spoke up for the truth even when he knew it was not going to be received well. And it was not received well at first. But out of that trip came some of the most honest conversation I had ever had with my dad about homosexuality and how it felt to me. I know he listened and was enlightened, but he never waivered from the truth. My dad is one of my heroes. He saved my life, because Christ saved his. If you are a parent and you are reading this. Don't fall prey to the voice of the masses telling you to accept your child's homosexual life. Pray, pray, pray. That is what my father did and he never accepted the curse of homosexuality in my life. He stayed on his knees before God, until I eventually fell to my knees before God. Stand strong parents. You are not haters and bigots. You are saints standing in the gap for your kids. God bless you. Be your child's hero, even when they treat you like the villain. But please, do it in love.

I tell you all this to say one thing. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean that they don’t have a love for the things of God. I was gay forever and a day and I always found ways to worship Christ in the ways I thought I could. I didn’t want to darken the door of a church, because I felt I would have been condemned, but I paid my tithes to my home church. I still prayed. I still journaled to God. I felt like I was a Christian, but I always felt that homosexuality was a block between me and God. I believe homosexuality is a sin. I believe if we incubate it in our lives as I did and live a gay life that flies in the face of scripture we stand a chance of losing out with God. I am not Jesus though, so you take that up with him. I did. He showed me that homosexuality was not in his plan for me or for you, but my way of communicating that was through my testimony and not with a bible shaped club.

A lot of people ask if you can be gay and be Christian. My firm belief is that if you live a life truly surrendered to Christ, your gay Christian beliefs will give way to submission to the truth of the word. If you live a life based on your sexuality and treat God as an addendum, then where you’ll spend eternity is as questionable as where I would have.

God is our ultimate judge my friends. We are to love one another regardless of the packaging. We are to pray for those who are lost. We are to come out of our houses and wash some feet and pat some backs and eat with those who are perishing in their sin. After all, someone once did the same for us.

Midwater Madness

Here is a poem I wrote about some of the struggles I was having while battling for my true identity between Christ and homosexuality. I felt like there was one day when I just needed to immerse myself in the presence and the all cleansing fire of Christ in an effort to burn off all the impurities. And this is the poem that resulted. In the beginning of the poem, two beings look on from outside my world. I don't know whether they are angels or fallen angels. I just know they are curious about what I am attempting now. Midwater Madness

What’s he doing down there? Feeding. Feeding? Fighting demons. Combating fear. Consuming energy. The very essence of foreign power sources in his life. How long can he stay down there? As long as it takes.

Suspended in the matrix of his fear, he floats alone, mid-water, halfway between Heaven and Hell. The direction of either he’s unsure. Facing down an enemy that hunts with despair, distraction, doubt, ammunition supplied by the mind of the hunted. He visits the battlefield this time to stare down the beast, find a way to deactivate self inflicted paralysis. Survival flashes scan the surface of his brain; solar flares escaping the incestuous gravity of their master. Cold chills sink their daggers beneath the artificial skin. A registry of pain. A neural override. The mission continues. A mental detonation sequence begins. He embraces the biological explosive, as frantic ticking resounds in his ears. A proud heart beats within him. The surrounding water electrifies. Opposing forces unleash a maelstrom of torturous emotion. He absorbs a volatile mixture of truth and reason; the antidote for the virus embedded in his being. Eyes closed, he accepts that life is radically changing. Seconds began their final aerobic descent. Doubt loosens the grip on its former slave. Spiritual fire consumes the fiction, eradicating mental errors One more second to purity. New circuitry pulses to life. An explosion splinters the mortal casing. Charred pieces slip eerily into the depths. His true essence screams toward the surface. A new breed of defender rises from the darkness.

Forgive and Forget You!

God is trying to drive me insane. Let me explain. Have you ever had a train of thought take up residence in your head? I have. When I was younger it was homosexuality. That was a lifestyle that developed little by little in my heart and mind. The enemy set up traps and obstacles along my path. They were simple and unassuming at first. “Your Dad loves your brother more.” My brother was always angry and threatening. I was different than other guys, not because I was born gay, but because I was a young, sensitive kid raised by his mom. I learned how to be a human by watching mom. We were way too close when I was young. Mom was always the loudest voice at my house. For a kid who hated conflict, it was easier to say on her good side. Gay advocacy groups denounce the “absent father/overbonded mother” factor when it comes to the development of homosexuality in a young man’s life. As someone who has talked to a lot of parents of gay kids, I can tell you this. The stories I hear about the family, the gay son and their home life, are almost always communicated by an extremely vocal mom, while the dad sits silent. When he tries to interject, it is often met with interruption and correction from her. Oftentimes these women have patterns of emasculating their husband and any other male in the household. My mom always had to have the last word; whether through depressive, teary sobs or manic enraged screaming. It was hell growing up in a house like that. When a father is not in charge of the home, everyone, including the wife is affected. I believe a lot of the problems in our home stemmed from a father that wouldn’t take leadership of the home. He said it was always easier to let mom have her way.

I don’t blame my dad. As they say in the south, my mom was a bearcat. I didn’t learn about women from my dad. I learned about them from watching mom. That didn’t leave me with the best impression of them. This learning curve was a daily occurrence for the better part of my 20+ years at home. Breaking free of a domineering mom is akin to the space shuttle trying to break free of the earth’s gravitational pull. It takes a lot of force, a lot of planning and when it’s all over, it pays to find a safe distance to orbit for awhile. To the dads I say STEP UP. To the mom’s I say STEP ASIDE. Let God realign your household according to his plan and purpose, not according to your woundings. So how is God trying to drive me insane? By asking me to work on a new area of my life. He is targeting a new train of thought, as damaging and derailing to his plan for my life as homosexuality was. Bitterness, unforgiveness, wounding, hurt and pain have taken up residence in my heart. I found this verse today in Ephesians 4:31 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” My response. “It’s not like I don’t want to.” It takes a lot of energy to be mad at people. I have tried. Eventually, I give up, they move or sometimes I move, but the offense remains. I had an ex-boyfriend at Oklahoma State that I used to meet up annually for a night of sin and debauchery. I would be lying if I said my move to Texas in the summer of 1993 wasn’t influenced by the idea of never seeing him again. Getting offended was my mom’s hobby. I would almost say her profession. She taught me so many great things. How to cook fried chicken and real mashed potatoes. She taught me that making gravy, the right way, could potentially be grounds for divorce when Dad didn’t follow her instructions. She made every Christmas special. But there was a dark side to my mom that you experienced right along with the good. To say my mother was easily offended, would be like saying the ocean is large and deep. Her expectations were higher than any of us could ever have lived up to. She would go to McDonald’s and special order a “very, well done cheeseburger”. That’s like asking Hillary Clinton to tell you the truth. It ain’t gonna happen. Mom would take the cheeseburger back to the table, examine it and then march back up to the poor kid at the register and unleash hell. I learned quickly to shoot for perfection or face the wrath. I also learned that holding grudges was a way of life. As a young man distanced from all males in my household and hopelessly tagging along behind mom, I perfected the art of unforgiveness and building walls. When people didn’t meet my mom’s expectations, she had disengaged from them. I watched my mother over the years, become an island with no close friends, a strained marriage and mental and physical ailments brought on by holding on to stifling and life altering bitterness. I always judged my mother for this. I always wondered why she couldn’t just forgive. Forgiveness sounds simple enough on paper. Then there is that half ass forgiveness method of, “I can forgive, but I won’t forget.” That’s like being trapped inside a house on fire and telling the fire department, “I’ll come out, but I’m gonna stand on the roof.” I don’t judge my mother any more. The elements that sustain bitterness in a person’s mind are palpable. I’ve experienced it firsthand. I understand what she went through; the hurt and pain inherent in our every day life. In this new phase of ministry, it seems offenses are programmed in. I have heard, “If you let people, they will walk all over you.” You have to stand up for yourself. I never learned to stick up for myself. I did learn that everyone is out to get you and you have to be on your guard. You can see how an attitude like that might stifle relationships. God has me on a journey that I didn’t want to take. He kinda bought the ticket and then pushed me onto the plane as they were closing the door. It’s a trip I need to take. I learned better than anyone, how to keep yourself safe from the hurt and pain of relationships. The key was always to keep your relationships superficial and short. I lived that way for too long. I had to be in control of every relationship. If you let people get too close, you’ll just get hurt. Then I began to read “The Bait of Satan”, by John Bevere. Page after page paralleled the bitter life I had led. As I read the truth of where a life lived being constantly offended leads, I felt the bonds that held me fast began to shift. I lived my life holding on to anger and bitterness day after day. I couldn’t bring myself to forgive people, because I felt if I held on to the hurt, I could one day force them to see how much they had hurt me. As I became more familiar with the bible and the story of Jesus’ last moment’s leading up to the cross, I grew more and more convicted by my growing bitterness. Isaiah 53 prophesies about Jesus trial and torture. 53:7 “He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.” Movie scenes from “The Passion” depicting Jesus’ crucifixion were deemed too graphic, by some critics. Jesus suffered unimaginable torture even unto his death for me and for you on the road to the cross. I am convicted every time I get my panties in a bunch over silly little things, now. Yet the conflict rages daily in my mind between living a life of forgiveness and holding onto offenses. For me, bitterness, anger and unforgiveness have became just as much of a sinful lifestyle as homosexuality. With Christ’s help, I will lay them down at his feet as well. Ephesians 4 provides an encouraging scripture. 22 “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Those Dang Mayans

Those dang Mayans are gonna cheat me out of my 14 year anniversary. It was 14 years ago this December 22, that I began my journey out of homosexuality. And since the world is going to end on the 21st, I guess I will have to celebrate now. 14 years. That is exactly 4 years longer than I was in the gay life. It was only Jesus Christ that led me out. The prayers of a father calling out to God to save me from the life I was leading helped. God restored my life. God is restoring my life. Many see me as still gay. Some say I am in denial. Others cry "Hate". Cool. Cool. These are the only statements that matter. 2 Corinthians 5:21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (I am the righteousness of God in Christ.) And 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (I am a new creation. The old broken, sexual identity has gone. The new, amazing, divine, original plan for redemption has come.) Leaving a life I thoroughly enjoyed day after day for ten years was extremely difficult. I lost a lot of gay friends. The tolerance gospel some of them preached turns out to be a one way street. Statements like “be true to yourself” only apply when you embrace a gay identity, not when guys like me decide to embrace an identity in Christ.

I am indebted to Jesus Christ for the life I lead. I would say I love Him with all my heart, but to be honest, if I loved him with all my heart, my life would be significantly different. I will say this. I am learning to love him more every day. He’s too intense and immense. I know there are gay men and women out there who love Jesus with all their heart, too. I know some of them. Some have decided to leave homosexuality behind and take those first, trepidatious steps out of the “Christian” closet. While others are embracing a walk into gay Christianity. I tried that path. The Holy Spirit challenged me to fully surrender every area of my heart and life to Christ. Homosexuality is still a sin. Hybridizing a path of broken sexuality and Christianity is akin to mixing oil and water. I should know. I gave it my best effort, but when we give the enemy a foothold in our lives, he’ll take a lot more of our heart with him.

The most important thing my brothers and sisters if you have wandered onto my blog is that Jesus Christ loves you. He does. He died because of that love for you. His primary concern isn’t whether or not you are gay. His primary concern is that you start a relationship with Him today. Lay aside all your past hurts and experiences with churches or Christians who hurt you and receive Jesus as your Lord and savior today. Rekindle the flame you and He once had. God hears your prayers brothers and sisters. He has always heard them. He counts every tear. He longs to close the gap you feel has widened between you. Though homosexuality is a sin according to the word of God, God loves you in spite of your sin. God loves you. Let that sink in. Pursue Christ in spite of the people who have hurt you. Let the ministry of Jesus happen for you tonight.

My prayer to Christ was simple when I decided to surrender my life to God. “Jesus I have tried for ten years to make this life work. I can’t do it. I am handing the reigns of my life over to you. You make it work, because I can't.“ After that prayer I lived minute by minute, day by day in order to bring it to fruition. But also after that prayer I went into the longest, deepest, darkest pornography binge I had ever embarked on. Two months later, I emerged drained and exhausted. It was then that God asked me if I was ready to truly begin my walk. This began the journey of a lifetime. You’ll find yourself surrendering to something in this life my friend: either the world’s viewpoint or the will of God. The latter has proved so much more rewarding for me.

God has given me many scriptures over the last 14 years. Here are a few he used to spur me on to greatness.

A call to face adversity Joshua 1:7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

A call to preach the truth Jeremiah1:17 Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 18 Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land.

A call to pray for the lost men and women of the gay community 1 Kings 3:8 Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. 9 So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"

God has a plan for us all. Are you living in pursuit of that plan? Or are you living day to day, searching to find meaning in your life? Jesus Christ is waiting. Let the tears flow. Let the words come out. Surrender and began your own journey of freedom.

My Gay Community

I typed the question, "What does it take to be a part of a community" into google. A random blog stated "a community is...a group linked by a common policy, a common history or common social, economic, and political interests. A Common history. Those were the key words for which I had been searching. In my youth I lived about 10 years as an active member of the gay community. I read gay literature, dated guys, went to gay clubs, surrounded myself with gay men, attended and served at AIDS benefits and steeped myself in gay culture. I was a victim of bullying and true hate speech. I buried a few friends and one family member after their lives were cut short by the ravages of HIV. I crafted an identity out of a feeling that started when I was around 6 years of age. It was a feeling common in the childhoods of most gay men and women; a feeling of "feeling different". I was led by many to interpret that feeling to mean that I was gay. Later in life I began to question, "Who told me that the benign feeling of ‘feeling different’ meant that I was gay? That interpretation was fostered by the verbal contributions of my peers and the contemptuous need of society to label anything that appears different. But maybe, just maybe the feeling didn't mean that I was different. Maybe it meant that I was set apart for something different.

I have long since physically left the gay community, but my heart is still there. I still consider myself an integral part of the gay community. My own life was affected by homosexuality. I know the trials and tribulations that gay men and women go through today. I know that just like me, there are people trapped in a gay identified world that long to be free. There are others who are quite happy being gay. The liberal media would have us believe that the Church's strong voice in the world is the sole cause of gay teen suicides. When I was growing up, it wasn't the church that caused me inner turmoil with my sexuality. Deep down I knew the attractions I was starting to feel were wrong. The feelings were awkward and shameful. The church didn't have to tell me that. It was the voice of God that made me aware of how sin had manifested in me, but also how I could bring peace to the chaos brewing in the area of my sexuality.

I felt like killing myself as a teen not because of the church, but because satan tried to get at me anyway that he can. His whispers and lies twisted the Bible into a condemnation of me, not of the sin that was overtaking me. After many years I got real honest with myself about how homosexuality developed in my life. Many gay men and women use the act of "coming out" as a great dismissal of the developmental history that shaped their gay identity. History be damned. Genetics is the great enabler that keeps many bound to a life of destruction. My heart breaks a little more each day as satan, disguised as an angel of light, brings false hope with slogans like "It gets better" and “NOH8”. Every witty new catchphrase serves as another weapon against allowing the truth of Jesus Christ to penetrate the darkness. Equally as frustrating is how many kids are led astray when a celebrity comes out of the closet and is heralded as a hero. Where in the world are the Christians who would stand up against the gay agenda and say enough? Denomination after denomination has fallen to the power of satan wielded by the gay agenda.

More often than not it’s a message no church dares to tackle. How many kids have to be shuffled off to hell, before we find it necessary to be better fathers and better men? Before we turn off the television with its rampant sexual agendas and take a stand for decency, in our homes and in our community. I am still a part of the gay community, whether they want me or not. Why? The false love and acceptance of the world is leading them to an early grave without the knowledge of Jesus Christ. Will one more news anchor or celebrity teach your family its values, or will you have the courage to step up in the face of great persecution and stand for what is good, decent and right? I spoke of true hate speech earlier, because the gay agenda will always use "hate crimes" or "hate speech" as a way of stifling opposing opinions and the truth. We can't let what they say to us or about us, determine whether or not we stand in obedience to Christ. There are kids out there looking for a savior. Where would you have them find that savior? The truth is that life only gets better if Christ is actively involved. Otherwise, "It gets better" is simply the latest literary vehicle to soothe hurt feelings and keep the message of the gospel at bay. It’s the warbled battle cry of a community headed straight for an eternity separated from God. Though the gay community and I still share a common history, I have God to thank that our futures are vastly different. It is a future I wish for all people, not just my gay brothers and sisters. A future in Christ. An eternity with God.

Proverbs 3:5&6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Everyone that calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

Truth is a Lie

My thoughts are random at best right now. As I was brushing my teeth tonight, my emotions accessed some distance portion of my brain that took me back to the day that my mother died. At the time I didn't know the events of that Friday morning would result in her death. My thoughts danced on the border between utter chaotic sadness and simple recollection. What would we do or say if we knew that the very moments we were spending with someone were our last. Those last moments with mother shortly before her death seem as surreal as one can get. After they loaded her into the ambulance and we didn't see her any more I knew in my heart that she hadn't made it. Thinking something and seeing the actual thought materialized in front of you is a jolt of reality that always takes some getting used to. When my friend and coworker Dawn died at Sea World I went into an alternative reality for a few days. Everything was real in my life except for her death. After all, how could Dawn be dead. I had just seen her a few days prior. And death is just something that happens to other people and on the television. I remember keeping the front section of the paper with her picture on it, face down on my nightstand for days. I knew what it said. I knew it was her picture. But if I didn't look at it, I had my friend for a few more days. I didn't have to accept the awful truth. I didn't want to face the reality of Dawn's humanity, my own and that of those around me. I wanted, as I have most of my life, to live in that happy place where terse words are sometimes exchanged, but nothing bad ever happens. I remember the day that I walked over to the nightstand and flipped the paper over. There it was. The truth, I had known about, but had chosen to avoid for days on end, because to be quite honest, I couldn't handle the truth. After my mom's death, I felt it was best to do something right away for my father. So I began to clean his house. My mother had everything bathed in swatches of purple and lavender. I went out and bought dad blue things and striped things and took all the purple away, because that is how I felt would best help him grieve. Out of sight, out of mind. My mom spent her last days in a recliner. My father asked that we removed the recliner. That is all he really asked, but I took it a step further. My mom had turned into a bit of hoarder, so I began to de-hoarde the house. In my exuberance, I got a little carried away. It seemed to my brother that I was embarking on an all out effort to erase mom's memory from the face of the planet. To me it seemed logical to get rid of things that had been in boxes and storage for years. My brother wanted to keep all of mom's stuff and not the letters she had written him. I wanted to save her letters and get rid of all the material stuff. I thought he was being ridiculous and rude. He thought I was being a heartless bastard. In the end, I had to open up my mind to the grieving process and how everyone copes very differently than I do. And that was okay.

The bible says that we shall know the truth and the truth will set us free. I think the reason that so many people don't embrace the truth is because they believe the path they are on is the truth. It is easy to see how so many are deceived by the enemy. If their bondage has always been "their truth" and they have built their entire lives around "their truth", then when someone comes along and offers them the actual truth, they can't easily accept it right away. That was the case for me. I remember homosexual attractions as far back as age 6. But to make the quantum leap to say I was born gay is to rule out all the environmental stimuli that shaped my behavior from 0-6. Even if someone remembers a homosexual memory at age 4, there are still four years unaccounted for that could have shaped the sexuality of a sensitive, artistic and creative little boy.

My truth evolved over the years into the philosophy that I was gay. I built an entire mental kingdom around that one. So when the bible came along and said that the only way my brain had ever told me to respond was wrong, it wasn't met with the greatest hospitality. In my heart, I believe I knew the truth, just like I knew my friend Dawn was gone. Just like in the situation with Dawn though, even though I knew the reality, as long as I didn't turn the newspaper over, I could keep myself safe from the truth a little while longer. And so at the age of nine when God called me into the ministry and for all intents and purposes out of homosexuality, I took the bible and turned it over on the nightstand of my life and went back to sleep for years. I knew the reality of God. I knew the truth in those words figuratively laying face down "on the nightstand", but as long as I ignored it I could live according to the truth I knew, the truth I understood. The truth that let me live my life and didn't condemn me.

Years later my truth would eventually betray me and expose my heart to all manner of hurt, isolation and pain. That's when I remembered the bible I had casually cast aside so many years before. On the morning when I sat on the edge of my bed and decided to reach for the newspaper confirming the news of my friend Dawn's death, I willed myself to prepare for the harsh reality of the truth. It was this same act of will that I mustered the day I decided to stop living according to "the truth" that I was born gay. The truth I reached for that day wasn't that there was a God out there that condemned me. The truth was that there was a God out there who had been pursuing me for years to help me exchange the lie of my existence with the Truth of His Word and the life giving truth of His Son, Jesus Christ.

The truth will set you free my friend, but first you must set free "the truth" that is daily destroying your life. Jesus Christ longs to have a relationship with you. He longs to replace your vices with peace and hope, just like he did with mine.

with every heartbeat

I found this on the internet while roaming around for images of the new book I am reading by John Bevere, "The Bait of Satan". I loved both of these images. I am reminded by the top photo that just as a pulse represents a heartbeat that forgiveness represents a life truly surrendered to Christ. Now I am not particularly proud of exactly how accurate the other image has been in my life. I never set out to be sensitive individual. I don't think sensitivity is a bad quality. When sensitivity rules ones life and walls them off from relating with others, then there is a problem. Sensitivity in true balance allows a person to care for others and have compassion on them, while not getting so involved that the sensitive person is adversely affected. God created everything to be balanced, complementary if you well. Man and Woman, balanced and complementary. A life surrendered to God instead of one's self. Love your neighbor as yourself. When there is balance, everyone is taken care of because we are loving others as we love ourselves. And I know how much you love yourself my friend.

Met Jesus At Wawa

This morning as I was walking out of Wawa I ran into Jesus. Now before you call the guys with the straight jackets, let me explain. In my mind, I felt I saw myself and Jesus walking side by side. Then there was a moment as if he walked right through me transferring his thoughts into my mind without words. His thoughts? He told me that I could live as he lived during His time on earth. That I could daily walk with God and resist temptation. That the righteous life that he lived could be accomplished. That I have all the tools I need to thwart the plan of the enemy and live a life free from defilement. By no means was it new information. It was simply Jesus stepping out of heaven once again to encourage me. It was a split second interaction, but it was the theme of my thought life for the rest of the day. So I began to think about Jesus’ time on the planet. He didn’t concern himself with sex or what the haters were saying. He went about his Father’s business and he started at a very young age. Thinking about all the time I have wasted being afraid, ashamed, drunk, shy, immoral or just lazy, makes me anxious. I almost forgot being angry, offended and bitter. Now of course I spent time doing other stuff as well, good stuff. The good stuff, however, is often easy to forget or overshadowed by the bad. Or I compare my good stuff with other people’s “good stuff” and degrade myself. It’s understandable that when we find that we are good at something, we stick to it and often refuse to try something new. The aftertaste of failure is enough to keep us away from the buffet of life.

Then there is the example that Jesus set for us. The life he led before the people of His day. And His timeless legacy of faith that lives on from the scriptures. Jesus suffered the three R’s of relationship: rebuke, rejection and ridicule. His followers doubted him. They even left him in two distinct waves. He didn’t let the shifting masses distract him from his Father’s mission. I let stuff distract and lead me astray all the time. Sometimes opinions of people I barely know dictate my actions more than the voice of a God who laid down his life for me. “Stick and stones may break my bones, but words”…well, words often paralyze any and all forward motion.

As a little kid I made a silent vow. I swore that I would make sure that no one would ever hurt like I hurt. It was the moment my childhood ended and I gave up on finding a resolution for my pain. Life was no longer lived carefree and easy. The world needed a protector, a savior, a friend. A person that understood what it meant to suffer, who could prevent pain from ever happening. I couldn’t do anything to end my sorrows, but I was damned sure that the same fate wouldn’t befall anyone else. I think that was also when I formulated the opinion that God didn’t care about people’s pain. If He did He wouldn’t have let me suffer. It wasn’t like I sit and deliberated the existence of God for hours. It was a simple thought, left to fester. The enemy built a kingdom on that foundation. This was the beginning of a lot of mistakes.

I would later learn that pain is not always a bad thing. Pain is the body’s warning beacon. Pain tells us when to stop and when we have gone too far. Pain lets us know we are not invincible. Endured pain shows others that we care. Were it not for the physical pain of the cross, the emotional pain of losing close friends and the spiritual pain of separation from His father, Jesus would have been just another guy with some good news to share. Instead, He endured great pain and torment, so that you and I would never have to endure the pain of being separated from God, unless we chose to do so.

One of the other vows I made to myself was that I was never going to let anyone else hurt me. That was a hard promise to keep. No relationship is perfect. Sooner or later someone is going to hurt you. If that is the case, I decided, then relationships are “bad news”. So I built up walls. Before too long, there were walls in between me and almost everyone I knew. In order to make sure I didn’t get hurt, I refused to let people in and the person they thought they knew was someone carefully crafted up by me to keep the real me safe. Clear as mud right.

The end result is simply this; I want to be more like Jesus. What a cliché, right? Depends. Personally I am tired of living my life angry, afraid, alone, bitter, offended, immoral, anxious and lazy. I have experienced life with and without Christ. My life makes more sense with Christ. I feel physically different when I am not having my regular time in His presence. My desire is to follow Christ’s example in everything I do. My reality is that I need work on that goal. I may not always get it right. To the world I have but one reply “I am a Christian. I am not Christ. I will get things wrong. I will make my best effort to lead a good life, but when I slip please remember. My goal is submission to God, not to become a slave to pErfecTioN.”

James 1:19-21 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Proverbs 12:16 “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”

I want to walk through life with my eyes on the goal of sharing Christ with others. When I submitted my life, fully, to Jesus Christ at the end of 1998, I was tired of trying to make the world work according to my plan. Jesus Christ is the only reason I have accomplished anything in my life. He changed my life. I want people to look at my life and see the difference that Christ makes. Matthew 5:16 “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” I know that Jesus has led me to deconstruct the walls I have built in so many of my relationships. My walls kept God out as well. Fear played into it as well. Fear of getting hurt again or having people reject the real me, kept me paralyzed, so I built more walls. I had so many walls up I made ‘The Great Wall of China’ look like a room divider.

God didn’t come into my life like a wrecking ball. He allowed me to become so love starved behind my walls, that the pain of staying in isolation was greater than the pain of building new relationships. He showed me my error and led me to places of resolution. The first relationship I began to resolve was with my father. I had kept him out of my life since I was very young. When I begin to work on the relationship, I was 27. That was about as easy as juggling flaming chainsaws.

Jesus was tempted in the same ways that we are tempted, but he did not sin. That was the realization that God breathed into my head today. Jesus was God in human form, but he was subject to the laws of the body. Even in that though, he walked with God. He knew when to withdraw from the crowds. He knew when it was time to pray. He didn’t come to earth to meet needs. He came to do the will of the Father. He expects the same of me. He didn’t defile himself with the things of this world, because he saw the billion year plan. He knew that the things of this world are temporary. They offer nothing but bondage and emotional instability. Jesus showed me today that it isn’t impossible to live a righteous life in fact it is much preferred. Not because God is a prude, but because the devil is well, THE DEVIL. Evil is his middle name. Evil is even in his name. satan has nothing but death for us my friends. Christ has life and life more abundantly.

Life down here offers some amazing temporary pleasures, but if the trade off for me has often been baggage, bondage and heartache. For a moment this morning in my thoughts and contemplation, I remembered what it was like to walk with God. I remembered what it was like the first time I chose the bible over pornography as my staple mental diet. I remembered the healing that began to take place when I stopped believing all the crazy lies about God and myself that the enemy told me and started believing what the word of God says about God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit and me. Jesus made himself real to me so many years ago. Through living life in a broken world, I have forgotten over the years and turned my relationship into a religion. I don’t want more of that. I want more of Jesus.