A Heart For God

I was thinking about a particular portion of my life way back when and this story came to mind. I felt like God was telling me to post this story tonight in order to inform both Christians and men trapped in homosexuality who may be Christian or are simply lost. When I was running from God and pursuing the gay life that I thought I had been born into, there were moments, pockets of freedom I guess you could call them when my heart longed to do the right thing. My longest relationship lasted about a year. The only reason is lasted that long was because I couldn't break it off because I didn't want to be alone. And also because I wanted to prove to all the Christians that gay relationships lasted. My boyfriend and I had been dating for the better part of 6 months. We were discussing a commitment ceremony, because we were truly in love with one another. I think I just felt the Christians who have never struggled with deep sexual sin cringe. I am not saying that it was a love that God ordained, but if two people care about one another, regardless if their sexes are aligned with scripture, it is a love that is palpable, endearing, sustaining and real. Open your minds people. Anyway. It was love at first sight for me. He was gorgeous and I was single, alone and horny at the time. I never got to the point of discussing religion with him. Besides it had been my experience up until that point that most gays, didn't want to talk about religion or the church, unless it was recount their own particular story of rejection "in the name of Jesus." So there we were 6 months down the road. In love, sexually active and ready to make a commitment to one another. In all honesty, I was more in love with the idea of being with someone and proving to the world that I was normal than I was in love with the guy I was with. I loved him. I just loved the part he played in my plan to normalize homosexuality to the world more.

I believed for the longest time that God had played a part in allowing me or creating me to be gay. I prayed every night in college for him to remove the feelings from my life and he never did. Night after night, prayer after prayer, the feelings always were there in the morning. Instead of building a life around God, I took his silence to mean that I was to build a life around gay. So I did.

Back to my story. So one day I sat my long time boyfriend down and told him that I wanted to be pure for my wedding ceremony with him. I wanted for us to be pure before God, because I was convinced that God had created me gay. I believed that the bible was wrong on the issue of homosexuality, because of the intense, homosexual feelings I had. I believed that if I lived a pure and noble life dedicated to God that when I stood before Christ all the Christians would have to eat there words, because I had been right. I even believed that God would have to let me into heaven, because I followed the word to the letter all except homosexuality. But I just knew he had created me that way. I wasn't prepared for what my boyfriend told me and did next. His response to me was that he was an Atheist and that he didn't believe in the God I did. He couldn't believe that I was sending money to people that hated us, when he found out I paid my tithes to the church I used to attend. He also told me that sex was way too important to him and he didn't want to give it up. He then broke up with me. WOW! Not the response I was expecting. I cried a lot. I needed him in my life. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he needed me too. The break up lasted all of a few hours and we were back together. He loved me enough to agree to my wishes, but he wanted to get married soon.

Off we went. We embarked on a sexless life together until we could stand before a God he didn't believe in and one that I believed in, but was deceived about and pledge our lives together. My resolve didn't last for long. He immediately asked for a compromise and we fell back into sexual behaviors other than sexual intercourse. Then one night, we fell sexually with one another. It was the beginning of the end. Though sex was pleasing to my body, my soul was locked in conflict. Why couldn't I have fought this? Why couldn't I stand strong? I realize now, it was because I was hybridizing the gospel of Christ with the “gospel” I had written to include my homosexuality. The bible can’t be compromised and have the strength and power of Christ. We either are followers of Christ or we are pagan lookalikes with no real power from God, but only the bondage of the enemy. When you sign a contract with the enemy, don’t expect him to let you leave with your life. He will take everything you have and do it even as you think you are the one in control of your life.

I invited my mom to the commitment ceremony in a letter. She then "accidentally" left the letter on the counter for my father to read. He made a trip 750 miles to share the gospel with me and my partner at the time. That is the kind of father I have. He spoke up for the truth even when he knew it was not going to be received well. And it was not received well at first. But out of that trip came some of the most honest conversation I had ever had with my dad about homosexuality and how it felt to me. I know he listened and was enlightened, but he never waivered from the truth. My dad is one of my heroes. He saved my life, because Christ saved his. If you are a parent and you are reading this. Don't fall prey to the voice of the masses telling you to accept your child's homosexual life. Pray, pray, pray. That is what my father did and he never accepted the curse of homosexuality in my life. He stayed on his knees before God, until I eventually fell to my knees before God. Stand strong parents. You are not haters and bigots. You are saints standing in the gap for your kids. God bless you. Be your child's hero, even when they treat you like the villain. But please, do it in love.

I tell you all this to say one thing. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean that they don’t have a love for the things of God. I was gay forever and a day and I always found ways to worship Christ in the ways I thought I could. I didn’t want to darken the door of a church, because I felt I would have been condemned, but I paid my tithes to my home church. I still prayed. I still journaled to God. I felt like I was a Christian, but I always felt that homosexuality was a block between me and God. I believe homosexuality is a sin. I believe if we incubate it in our lives as I did and live a gay life that flies in the face of scripture we stand a chance of losing out with God. I am not Jesus though, so you take that up with him. I did. He showed me that homosexuality was not in his plan for me or for you, but my way of communicating that was through my testimony and not with a bible shaped club.

A lot of people ask if you can be gay and be Christian. My firm belief is that if you live a life truly surrendered to Christ, your gay Christian beliefs will give way to submission to the truth of the word. If you live a life based on your sexuality and treat God as an addendum, then where you’ll spend eternity is as questionable as where I would have.

God is our ultimate judge my friends. We are to love one another regardless of the packaging. We are to pray for those who are lost. We are to come out of our houses and wash some feet and pat some backs and eat with those who are perishing in their sin. After all, someone once did the same for us.

Midwater Madness

Here is a poem I wrote about some of the struggles I was having while battling for my true identity between Christ and homosexuality. I felt like there was one day when I just needed to immerse myself in the presence and the all cleansing fire of Christ in an effort to burn off all the impurities. And this is the poem that resulted. In the beginning of the poem, two beings look on from outside my world. I don't know whether they are angels or fallen angels. I just know they are curious about what I am attempting now. Midwater Madness

What’s he doing down there? Feeding. Feeding? Fighting demons. Combating fear. Consuming energy. The very essence of foreign power sources in his life. How long can he stay down there? As long as it takes.

Suspended in the matrix of his fear, he floats alone, mid-water, halfway between Heaven and Hell. The direction of either he’s unsure. Facing down an enemy that hunts with despair, distraction, doubt, ammunition supplied by the mind of the hunted. He visits the battlefield this time to stare down the beast, find a way to deactivate self inflicted paralysis. Survival flashes scan the surface of his brain; solar flares escaping the incestuous gravity of their master. Cold chills sink their daggers beneath the artificial skin. A registry of pain. A neural override. The mission continues. A mental detonation sequence begins. He embraces the biological explosive, as frantic ticking resounds in his ears. A proud heart beats within him. The surrounding water electrifies. Opposing forces unleash a maelstrom of torturous emotion. He absorbs a volatile mixture of truth and reason; the antidote for the virus embedded in his being. Eyes closed, he accepts that life is radically changing. Seconds began their final aerobic descent. Doubt loosens the grip on its former slave. Spiritual fire consumes the fiction, eradicating mental errors One more second to purity. New circuitry pulses to life. An explosion splinters the mortal casing. Charred pieces slip eerily into the depths. His true essence screams toward the surface. A new breed of defender rises from the darkness.

Forgive and Forget You!

God is trying to drive me insane. Let me explain. Have you ever had a train of thought take up residence in your head? I have. When I was younger it was homosexuality. That was a lifestyle that developed little by little in my heart and mind. The enemy set up traps and obstacles along my path. They were simple and unassuming at first. “Your Dad loves your brother more.” My brother was always angry and threatening. I was different than other guys, not because I was born gay, but because I was a young, sensitive kid raised by his mom. I learned how to be a human by watching mom. We were way too close when I was young. Mom was always the loudest voice at my house. For a kid who hated conflict, it was easier to say on her good side. Gay advocacy groups denounce the “absent father/overbonded mother” factor when it comes to the development of homosexuality in a young man’s life. As someone who has talked to a lot of parents of gay kids, I can tell you this. The stories I hear about the family, the gay son and their home life, are almost always communicated by an extremely vocal mom, while the dad sits silent. When he tries to interject, it is often met with interruption and correction from her. Oftentimes these women have patterns of emasculating their husband and any other male in the household. My mom always had to have the last word; whether through depressive, teary sobs or manic enraged screaming. It was hell growing up in a house like that. When a father is not in charge of the home, everyone, including the wife is affected. I believe a lot of the problems in our home stemmed from a father that wouldn’t take leadership of the home. He said it was always easier to let mom have her way.

I don’t blame my dad. As they say in the south, my mom was a bearcat. I didn’t learn about women from my dad. I learned about them from watching mom. That didn’t leave me with the best impression of them. This learning curve was a daily occurrence for the better part of my 20+ years at home. Breaking free of a domineering mom is akin to the space shuttle trying to break free of the earth’s gravitational pull. It takes a lot of force, a lot of planning and when it’s all over, it pays to find a safe distance to orbit for awhile. To the dads I say STEP UP. To the mom’s I say STEP ASIDE. Let God realign your household according to his plan and purpose, not according to your woundings. So how is God trying to drive me insane? By asking me to work on a new area of my life. He is targeting a new train of thought, as damaging and derailing to his plan for my life as homosexuality was. Bitterness, unforgiveness, wounding, hurt and pain have taken up residence in my heart. I found this verse today in Ephesians 4:31 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” My response. “It’s not like I don’t want to.” It takes a lot of energy to be mad at people. I have tried. Eventually, I give up, they move or sometimes I move, but the offense remains. I had an ex-boyfriend at Oklahoma State that I used to meet up annually for a night of sin and debauchery. I would be lying if I said my move to Texas in the summer of 1993 wasn’t influenced by the idea of never seeing him again. Getting offended was my mom’s hobby. I would almost say her profession. She taught me so many great things. How to cook fried chicken and real mashed potatoes. She taught me that making gravy, the right way, could potentially be grounds for divorce when Dad didn’t follow her instructions. She made every Christmas special. But there was a dark side to my mom that you experienced right along with the good. To say my mother was easily offended, would be like saying the ocean is large and deep. Her expectations were higher than any of us could ever have lived up to. She would go to McDonald’s and special order a “very, well done cheeseburger”. That’s like asking Hillary Clinton to tell you the truth. It ain’t gonna happen. Mom would take the cheeseburger back to the table, examine it and then march back up to the poor kid at the register and unleash hell. I learned quickly to shoot for perfection or face the wrath. I also learned that holding grudges was a way of life. As a young man distanced from all males in my household and hopelessly tagging along behind mom, I perfected the art of unforgiveness and building walls. When people didn’t meet my mom’s expectations, she had disengaged from them. I watched my mother over the years, become an island with no close friends, a strained marriage and mental and physical ailments brought on by holding on to stifling and life altering bitterness. I always judged my mother for this. I always wondered why she couldn’t just forgive. Forgiveness sounds simple enough on paper. Then there is that half ass forgiveness method of, “I can forgive, but I won’t forget.” That’s like being trapped inside a house on fire and telling the fire department, “I’ll come out, but I’m gonna stand on the roof.” I don’t judge my mother any more. The elements that sustain bitterness in a person’s mind are palpable. I’ve experienced it firsthand. I understand what she went through; the hurt and pain inherent in our every day life. In this new phase of ministry, it seems offenses are programmed in. I have heard, “If you let people, they will walk all over you.” You have to stand up for yourself. I never learned to stick up for myself. I did learn that everyone is out to get you and you have to be on your guard. You can see how an attitude like that might stifle relationships. God has me on a journey that I didn’t want to take. He kinda bought the ticket and then pushed me onto the plane as they were closing the door. It’s a trip I need to take. I learned better than anyone, how to keep yourself safe from the hurt and pain of relationships. The key was always to keep your relationships superficial and short. I lived that way for too long. I had to be in control of every relationship. If you let people get too close, you’ll just get hurt. Then I began to read “The Bait of Satan”, by John Bevere. Page after page paralleled the bitter life I had led. As I read the truth of where a life lived being constantly offended leads, I felt the bonds that held me fast began to shift. I lived my life holding on to anger and bitterness day after day. I couldn’t bring myself to forgive people, because I felt if I held on to the hurt, I could one day force them to see how much they had hurt me. As I became more familiar with the bible and the story of Jesus’ last moment’s leading up to the cross, I grew more and more convicted by my growing bitterness. Isaiah 53 prophesies about Jesus trial and torture. 53:7 “He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.” Movie scenes from “The Passion” depicting Jesus’ crucifixion were deemed too graphic, by some critics. Jesus suffered unimaginable torture even unto his death for me and for you on the road to the cross. I am convicted every time I get my panties in a bunch over silly little things, now. Yet the conflict rages daily in my mind between living a life of forgiveness and holding onto offenses. For me, bitterness, anger and unforgiveness have became just as much of a sinful lifestyle as homosexuality. With Christ’s help, I will lay them down at his feet as well. Ephesians 4 provides an encouraging scripture. 22 “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Those Dang Mayans

Those dang Mayans are gonna cheat me out of my 14 year anniversary. It was 14 years ago this December 22, that I began my journey out of homosexuality. And since the world is going to end on the 21st, I guess I will have to celebrate now. 14 years. That is exactly 4 years longer than I was in the gay life. It was only Jesus Christ that led me out. The prayers of a father calling out to God to save me from the life I was leading helped. God restored my life. God is restoring my life. Many see me as still gay. Some say I am in denial. Others cry "Hate". Cool. Cool. These are the only statements that matter. 2 Corinthians 5:21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (I am the righteousness of God in Christ.) And 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (I am a new creation. The old broken, sexual identity has gone. The new, amazing, divine, original plan for redemption has come.) Leaving a life I thoroughly enjoyed day after day for ten years was extremely difficult. I lost a lot of gay friends. The tolerance gospel some of them preached turns out to be a one way street. Statements like “be true to yourself” only apply when you embrace a gay identity, not when guys like me decide to embrace an identity in Christ.

I am indebted to Jesus Christ for the life I lead. I would say I love Him with all my heart, but to be honest, if I loved him with all my heart, my life would be significantly different. I will say this. I am learning to love him more every day. He’s too intense and immense. I know there are gay men and women out there who love Jesus with all their heart, too. I know some of them. Some have decided to leave homosexuality behind and take those first, trepidatious steps out of the “Christian” closet. While others are embracing a walk into gay Christianity. I tried that path. The Holy Spirit challenged me to fully surrender every area of my heart and life to Christ. Homosexuality is still a sin. Hybridizing a path of broken sexuality and Christianity is akin to mixing oil and water. I should know. I gave it my best effort, but when we give the enemy a foothold in our lives, he’ll take a lot more of our heart with him.

The most important thing my brothers and sisters if you have wandered onto my blog is that Jesus Christ loves you. He does. He died because of that love for you. His primary concern isn’t whether or not you are gay. His primary concern is that you start a relationship with Him today. Lay aside all your past hurts and experiences with churches or Christians who hurt you and receive Jesus as your Lord and savior today. Rekindle the flame you and He once had. God hears your prayers brothers and sisters. He has always heard them. He counts every tear. He longs to close the gap you feel has widened between you. Though homosexuality is a sin according to the word of God, God loves you in spite of your sin. God loves you. Let that sink in. Pursue Christ in spite of the people who have hurt you. Let the ministry of Jesus happen for you tonight.

My prayer to Christ was simple when I decided to surrender my life to God. “Jesus I have tried for ten years to make this life work. I can’t do it. I am handing the reigns of my life over to you. You make it work, because I can't.“ After that prayer I lived minute by minute, day by day in order to bring it to fruition. But also after that prayer I went into the longest, deepest, darkest pornography binge I had ever embarked on. Two months later, I emerged drained and exhausted. It was then that God asked me if I was ready to truly begin my walk. This began the journey of a lifetime. You’ll find yourself surrendering to something in this life my friend: either the world’s viewpoint or the will of God. The latter has proved so much more rewarding for me.

God has given me many scriptures over the last 14 years. Here are a few he used to spur me on to greatness.

A call to face adversity Joshua 1:7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

A call to preach the truth Jeremiah1:17 Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 18 Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land.

A call to pray for the lost men and women of the gay community 1 Kings 3:8 Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. 9 So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"

God has a plan for us all. Are you living in pursuit of that plan? Or are you living day to day, searching to find meaning in your life? Jesus Christ is waiting. Let the tears flow. Let the words come out. Surrender and began your own journey of freedom.

my story thus far

I was fourteen years old when our family traveled to Orlando for a theme park getaway. Little did they know they were setting in motion, a lifelong dream. While in Orlando, I saw Killer Whales for the first time. I was blown away. I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. It took me a long time to reach my goal. I am really lucky. It took the Children of Israel 40 years to find a way out of the desert. I am just glad it only took me fourteen years and that I made it with all my own hair and teeth.

When I tell people that Jesus delivered me from ten years of unhappiness, guilt and shame, they ask me if I was a used car salesman. Saying that Jesus swooped down from heaven and saved me from eternal damnation and the fiery darts of Hell, though true, is a bit over the top. Jesus' role in my life is best described as mentor, friend and constant companion. He cries a thousand tears for every one that I shed. Simon Wiesenthal once said, “Every tear is forever on the mind of God.” Jesus Christ cares for my heart better than anyone.

What could have been so bad? One or two misplaced emotions eventually snowballed into a life that consumed my every thought. From the age of 18 to 27, I lived as a gay man, but I had gay feelings long before that. I was introduced to pornography by my brother, at the age of 6. Age 9 provided me with a bevy of choices about the world. Not only was I called into the ministry through a sermon about Jonah, my brother and a cousin exposed me to six hours of video pornography. I knew it was wrong, but it was mesmerizing and I was getting to hang out with the guys. To add to my confusion, I noticed at an early age that I was more drawn to the men in the videos, than the women. It continued to foster a burgeoning curiosity about sexuality and began a 30 year addiction to pornography and masturbation. It haunted my every day thoughts. When I began to walk with Jesus the struggle always brought up feelings of guilt. How could I call myself a Christian and still struggle with pornography? I never shared any of my sexual struggles in the church for fear of being ostracized. My secret battle was embarrassing, stifling, shameful and inexplicable.

I didn’t grow up in the most functional family as a boy. Who did? My brother was molested by a man when he was 13 and I was 6. It sent our family dynamics into a tailspin that immediately begin to affect all of our lives. I wouldn’t learn of the event until I was in my late 20’s. It was something my parents kept secret and locked away. It repeated a longstanding tradition of not talking about painful or embarrassing things in my family. My mom always quipped that she gave me the middle name Aaron, because she knew I would be a great spokesman. Then, she says, I didn't say anything for 12 years. My thought was always, "Who could say anything in this house?" There were three other people whose voices in my childhood home were much louder than mine.

One of those voices was my brother. In many ways he was everything a big brother should be, but the enemy had other plans for us. My brother’s molestation seemed to awaken a pornography appetite which he eventually shared with me. My brother never touched me physically, but I remember being naked with him and he made a game out of naming our penises. I remember being in my brother’s room watching him masturbate with a pillow while looking at a pornographic magazine. No 6 year old should ever be exposed to that. When my brother moved out of the house I inherited his porn collection by default. My early introduction to pornography awakened a sexual curiosity and exposed me to all manner of sexual situations that culminated in rampant sexual experimentation with other boys from the age of 6 to 13.

Almost two decades later my brother would tell me about his molestation. He said he had battled with confusing thoughts about his own sexuality which led to promiscuity with girls and erratic behavioral issues in response to the trauma. The bad behavior garnered the constant attention of my father. This created an absence of my father in my life. Not to worry. Mom stepped up to the challenge. The family dynamic was that my brother was my father's favorite child and I was my mother's. It was more implied than decided upon. My mother ruled with an iron fist or victimized tears. Dad was passive. Mom was aggressive. I spent my childhood scared of both. My dad was a good provider, but he can best be described as there, but "not there" in my life and ever present in my brother’s life. My brother and I had every material provision we could ever want: annual family vacations, amazing Christmas gifts, clothes, food, etc. From the outside we appeared to be the perfect family, but no outsider knew what was going on behind closed doors. One of the most haunting memories of my childhood happened when I was six years old. My mom locked herself in her bedroom and was threatening to kill herself with a gun. I remember sitting there, paralyzed, on the other side of the door crying and pleading with her. I don't remember where my father was. From that moment on though, I think was afraid to leave my mom alone. It would not be revealed to me until much later that my mother suffered from bi-polar disorder. I began to use humor and other distractions to diffuse the conflict created by having a manic/depressive mom. I did anything I could use to derail potentially tense situations. I became a little performing people pleaser who tried to keep mom smiling, but the stress of that role began to take a gradual toll on my life.

My father was the strict disciplinarian and resident Christian. He forced us to go to church every time the door was opened. I appreciate that now, but was not having it back then. I had a growing hatred toward my father. He had a short fuse. He never seemed interested in my life unless it was Sunday morning. I think my hatred for my father came about as a result of my mom’s continual attempts to emasculate him in my presence. In one breath my mother would filet my dad with her words and in the next minute she was pushing me to build a relationship with him. One family vacation she got so mad at him that when he got out of the car to ask for directions, she drove off and left him two states away. She frequently left him after arguments and took me to my grandmother’s house. My relationship with everyone in my family was strained. I was ostracized by my brother and male cousins. I was distanced from my dad. I was bullied by boys in school. I learned early on that the world of men was not a safe place. So I tended to gravitate to the women in my life who were always softer, kinder and gentler.

I spent most of my pre teen years playing with my female cousins and interacting with them. As far as guys were concerned, I was paralyzed in fear over them based on a history of volatile interactions. The problem was that I still longed to be around them. The gap between me and my male peers began to widen. I was a little boy distanced from almost every male figure in my life.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, well then it’s probably a duck. At least that is what the guys that bullied me in school felt. I was a feminine guy with feminine responses and actions. It wasn't because I was born gay. It was because I learned how to be a human by watching the actions and reactions of a woman, my mom; a wounded, mentally unstable woman. There were other strong female influences in my life as well. It was a recipe for disaster. I never entertained the thought that I was gay until my attractions and the mental impact of the bullying and name calling collided inside my head. For all intents and purposes, I had watched my mom’s life for years, not my dad. I mirrored her ways, words and attitudes. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She is the main reason I had a solid foundation for success in my early years. I know that she loved me and still does. The problem was that little boys were never meant to be best friends with their mom. They weren't mean to be poured into solely by a woman. It's like trying to program a Mac with Windows programming code. Something gets lost in the translation.

When I was a seventh grader, a gruff and tumbled, ninth grader with a bad attitude became my own, personal tormentor. He took it upon himself to call me Fag, Queer and Sissy. I have since learned that his own tragic childhood had left him with plenty of anger. Unfortunately, that anger was focused on me. His hatred further damaged my self esteem and confidence. I walked around in a fog of fear and anxiety. High school was painful and isolating. I had few close friends. I was the nerd who got good grades. I wasn’t the most masculine boy in school so I was the subject of some nasty rumors. The verbal slurs rooted themselves deep in my mind. The bullying further pushed me away from men and toward the belief that I might be gay.

High school graduation to me was like parole to a death row inmate. I had a chance at a new life. I could reinvent myself. Right the wrongs of the past. Act straighter. Date girls that didn't know me. I could become a new person. So I did. Upon enrolling at Oklahoma State I enrolled as Matthew Walker. Since Kindergarten I had gone by my middle name, Aaron, but I felt that the person I had been in high school needed to disappear. I had hoped that by laying "Aaron" to rest that all the turmoil and pain of his life would die with him. Needless to say, it didn't, but I did begin a new life as Matthew. No one back home understood, but in that moment I lumped every aspect of my past into one basket, good and bad, and threw the entire thing into the trash. In one fell swoop I had silenced any voice Aaron would have in my life. I tried to forget everything about my past in light of making a new life. I let a few bad experiences cloud my judgment and my whole life at that point. I wouldn't really learn the impact of that decision for many years.

College gave me freedom not to attend church. When I started college, I finally found the courage to write my parents a letter detailing my high school experiences with bullying and teasing. One night when I was headed back to college, my father and mother were in their car and I was in mine. We had pulled over on the interstate to say our goodbyes and my father got into my car. He recounted the memories from my letter and consoled me. I know my father had spent many late nights praying for me. This time, my father prayed for me in person. Tragically, my heart was too damaged to accept or appreciate his attempts to help me in that moment. I wasn’t ready to receive his love and compassion. I was caught between his Christianity and the growing temptations of homosexuality. I could tell my father that I’d been bullied, but if I told him that I thought I was gay, I felt he’d reject me outright. That was the first of many times that my father reached out to me, but I rejected him. Thank God he never stopped reaching.

College was the catalyst for sin in my life. I left Barnsdall, Oklahoma as a virgin on a bent to have sex. After all, the people I admired in high school were all sexually active. I was the odd man out. I dated a girl and lost my virginity that first semester. Then something strange happened. One day in normal conversation, she asked me if I thought I was gay. Not the typical relationship banter, but I responded with ambiguity and wonder. That conversation opened up an area of my mind that was lying dormant. It was like someone flipped on the light switch in a dark room. Some would say I was in denial all those years in high school when I could think of nothing but guys. In all reality, I can see how the enemy slowly chipped away at my resolve and prepared me for the ultimate demise. Eventually I started dabbling and curiously investigating gay things. After a night of drinking at a college bar, I fell into my first adult sexual experience with another guy. It was Spring Semester 1990 and I discovered a new “drug” that would control my life for the next ten years.

My workout program in college included bar hopping and running from God. I hoped that Jesus would forget me and let me live my life. My journey into homosexuality, began innocently enough with loneliness, anger and low self esteem. In four years I moved five times. One move took me from the dorms to a fraternity house in search of a cure. I believed that being surrounded by guys would fix me. I called it heterosexuality by osmosis. I was desperate for answers, which left me open to believe anything. I followed a Christian friend into the fraternity. I discovered later that he, too, struggled with homosexuality. By the end of my sophomore year, I had a minor in confusion. After the fraternity experiment failed, I gave up and allowed homosexuality to take over my life.

In the beginning, I constantly prayed that Jesus would take my homosexuality away. Night after night on the edge of my bed, weeping and crying. I never heard an answer during those late night confessions. I would wake up the next morning and brace myself to see if the feelings were gone. Nothing ever changed. Was I praying the wrong prayers? Was God even listening to me? One of the problems was that I was going to Jesus with stipulations and demands, not an open heart. I was asking God to take something away that I had a death grip on. I loved the idea of doing the right thing by God, but I loved my sin with every fiber of my being.

I moved through three states in a period of five years. I felt I was moving closer to my dream. In reality, I was slipping into debt and moving away from Jesus’ plan for my life. A few, small, misguided steps became a sinful, demanding lifestyle, spiraling out of control. I invested myself physically and emotionally in every guy I dated. I searched desperately for love and acceptance. Sex seemed to be the toll for the companionship I needed. I was willing to pay the price. Each encounter added to the hollow feeling growing inside. Thank God, my father never stopped praying.

The bible says that in the end days men will become lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God. That was truly evident in my life. I felt I had two choices at the time. I could either live a sad, apologetic life of denial in the church or pursue homosexuality, a boyfriend, just have a fun and try to make the best of my fate. For ten years, I chose the latter. Another verse that rang true in my experience was Romans 1:27 “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another…” There were times while I was having sex with a guy and I still didn’t feel close enough to him. I felt that I wouldn’t be complete unless I was “one” with him, but that type of connection always eluded me. There were times when I would hang up the phone after talking for hours with a guy and would still have violent separation anxiety when I hung up. Homosexuality and lust grabbed a hold of me and worked its way into my heart, my actions, mind and my desires. I was inflamed with lust and the scriptures rang true.

My father told me that separation from God feels similar to being surrounded by friends and still feeling alone. A poem I wrote details it best. “Simple paranoia rages inside me. Surrounded by familiar strangers, I’ve never been so alone.” Man was created to commune with God. He was never meant to live his life apart from God. When we are separated from Him, loneliness sets in. A life lived without Jesus is merely an existence.

When Jesus didn’t take my homosexuality away, I thought I was meant to live that way. The bible says that homosexuality was wrong. Christianity and homosexuality could not coexist in my life. I told God that I was going to be gay no matter what. That decision took me directly to the proverbial brick wall people talk about at the end of the road. I never hit the wall, but let me just say, I could feel the grain of the brick. I started dating this guy I met on the internet. He smoked. He was verbally abusive. He was dating someone else. Not ideal, but I had to prove my point to God. I found myself in two harmful sexual situations and arguments that would quickly turn volatile. I broke it off. That was the beginning of the end. The guy I dated after him was a true companion. He showed me the love and acceptance I had been searching for, for 10 years. I shifted all my focus onto him. I wouldn’t let him out of my sight. I spent every waking moment with him. He was the one for me. He was a guy I could hang out with. He didn’t want sex. He didn’t smoke. And two weeks after we met, he didn’t want me. I was so love starved at that point that all it took was one person to show me love and I was hooked. I smothered the guy. Proverbs 27:7 says “He is who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even that which is bitter tastes sweet.” It was this relationship that God used to walk me out of homosexuality. God spoke to me and said, you have been searching for a guy like this for ten years and now he doesn’t want you. I can show you what you are truly looking for: companions, friends, mentors, confidantes. You simply have to trust me and surrender to my plan and walk away from the failed plan you’ve been striving towards for the past ten years. A few months later I decided to leave everything behind and turn to God for help. Proverbs 27:17 was where God was taking me, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

One event that also helped in the decision making process was that I had recently gotten back in contact with the first guy I had dated in college. By some strange miracle, he had broken up with his current boyfriend and both of them had become Christians. I had known for a very long time that I was supposed to walk away from homosexuality. When this guy told me that he had already done it, it was almost as if the spirit of competition rose up in my heart. I was a little angry that he had done it before me. But after that conversation, I knew that it was the beginning of the end for my homosexual life.

This time my prayers were simple and sincere. I prayed, ‘God, I have tried for ten years to make this work. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t make this life work. Here it is. Let’s see what You can do with it.’ It wasn’t a challenge to God. It was a cry for help. I gave God free reign over my life. On December 20, 1998, I loaded my car, and left Mississippi and homosexuality behind. I was moving towards God, but I was dragging my feet. Matthew 5:6 says it best “The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak.” All my flesh could think about was the depravity of celibacy, long church services and learning to date women, instead of shopping with them. After ten years of being in and out of the closet more times than Julia Roberts on Oscar night, I turned my life over to Jesus. And immediately I became Super Christian and went on to pursue a full heterosexual life with my wife and our 2.5 children. And the polar ice caps melted and flooded Greenland. NOT! Of course change didn’t happen overnight. I needed time to grow in my faith and time to listen to God’s voice, not the opinions of others. I wrote to my friends about my journey out of homosexuality. Gay friends denounced me. Christian friends rejoiced. The rest were just confused. “Is it possible to stop being gay?”

Jesus orchestrated some great blessings in my life. Three days after returning to Oklahoma in January 1999, I went to work with my dad. Working side by side with my father, I was able to establish a bond that fostered my growth as a Christian and as the man God intended. God was so present in my life. He sent me a swim coach so I could pass the swim test for my dream job. He gave me the perfect job. I was able to pay off more than $10,000 in debt. God began laying the foundation of my dreams. Jesus restored my finances. He restored my faith. He slices, He dices. If you call now for only $19.99 you can get this fabulous...just kidding. In short, Jesus restored my life. I looked for happiness and success for ten years in the world. In less than a year Jesus turned my life around. It wasn’t always easy, but obedience led me to answer God’s call on my heart.

God would have never chosen this path for me. However, He has taken my past and used it for His glory. One of my life’s goals is to help homosexual strugglers find their way out of the darkness. I once called homosexuality the Cadillac of sins, perfect in every way, nestling neatly into a person’s life at such an early age. It seems so natural that we are fooled into believing it is genetic in origin. While other boys are dealing with boy/girl things, the homosexual struggler begins to feel different. Isolation begins. Imagine the struggles every teenager endures, then factor in having to deal with homosexuality. Add to that the self-righteous preaching damnation and not salvation. The fear of rejection; fear that paralyzes proper development. I know that type of fear. No one should have to endure that type of struggle. My power to react and my abilities to enlighten are gifts from God. Celibacy has been my practice since 1998. I still have the potential to stumble in my humanity. 1 Peter 5:8 says “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” My daily walk with Jesus and my time in His word, are what keep me grounded. This message may appear to be the epitome of intolerance and ignorance to some. For those struggling, it is one of hope. 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 15 For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16 To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life… I have 10 years of insight into the gay lifestyle. I will share the message of God’s healing power as we are called to do in Jeremiah 1. “...You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:7-8. “They will fight against you, but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:19 "I have pondered many questions about God. Men have forever tried to elevate themselves to His level. Why do we consider ourselves so advanced a species. We need machines to fly. Birds have wings. We need SCUBA to dive. Fish have gills. When you think about it, we need the help of an outside force to accomplish almost everything in our lives. For goodness sakes, we can’t even digest corn, people! Why would we rule out the need for an outside source to govern our spiritual needs? Relying on Jesus to be my strength doesn’t make me weak. It makes me smart. It allows me to build my faith and take part in his amazing plan for my life.

If you are wondering about my dreams of becoming an animal trainer working with Killer Whales, in January 2000 God opened the doors to my dream job. I have been working with marine mammals of all types for about 14 years now. Jesus truly opened up the storehouses of heaven in my life.

“What would have happened if you had avoided the gay lifestyle and had sold out to God at an early age instead?” I believe I might have been realized my dream in life earlier.” I definitely would not have ten years of memories to overcome. God renews my mind daily, but the devil uses my memories to haunt me at times. In animal training there is a concept that behavior gravitates towards reinforcement. I have to admit that the clubs, the attention and the acceptance were all very reinforcing. I received the proper amount of reinforcement I needed to continue on in my behavior. One of the hardest things to do is train an animal to perform a behavior differently than it was originally trained to do. The “old dog, new tricks” sentiment. It can be done, but you are competing with a huge reinforcement history. I can't imagine having a 20‑30 year reinforcement history as a gay man to overcome. The memories of the pornography, sexual encounters and intimate relationships keep a person bound to the belief that they were created different. I have been where teens who struggle with homosexuality are headed. I can say with confidence that by leaving homosexuality early on they will have a better chance of fulfilling their dreams and God’s purpose for this lifetime. By coming out young I had time to repair the relationship with my father. I know a few men who lost their fathers before they ever began to work through their issues. I have the gift of youth so that I can reach teens, before they make some of the same mistakes I made. God placed me right in the middle where I can help bridge the gap between young men and their fathers.

God has allowed me to enjoy the benefits of obedience and the fulfillment of my dream job. I am happy that I came out of the lifestyle young. I hated the presence of homosexuality in my life. I don’t deserve a medal of honor for being in the gay lifestyle for ten years. God would prefer that all of us remain pure and holy. Jesus was born of a virgin. I can’t relive the ten years I lost. God can use what I learned to prevent others from going down the same road. I have a great fear for the next generation. Life has become a combination of parents who pass on their unresolved issues and wounds to their children. Parents of today have forgotten that their family should be their main priority. Our children corner the market on anger, bitterness and pride; emotions they embrace in order to protect themselves from the pain. Those are the walls standing between them and the freedom of a relationship with Jesus.

I have watched God change and reshape my dream over the years. As a boy my greatest dream was to work with Killer Whales. As a man, surrendered to Christ, God has given me a new dream; a new mission. I have been in ministry to the gay community for the better part of 10 years. I have served alongside Exodus International, an organization that helps support men and women who desire God’s true direction for their sexuality. More recently I started a live in program in the Central Florida area that helps young men who desire to leave homosexuality behind, find a place of refuge away from the hostile plans of the gay agenda. I made a vow to myself as a little boy. I promised myself that if I had the power to do so, that no little boy would ever hurt like I did. God has helped me honor that vow and restored a life that was stolen from me at birth.

My Gay Community

I typed the question, "What does it take to be a part of a community" into google. A random blog stated "a community is...a group linked by a common policy, a common history or common social, economic, and political interests. A Common history. Those were the key words for which I had been searching. In my youth I lived about 10 years as an active member of the gay community. I read gay literature, dated guys, went to gay clubs, surrounded myself with gay men, attended and served at AIDS benefits and steeped myself in gay culture. I was a victim of bullying and true hate speech. I buried a few friends and one family member after their lives were cut short by the ravages of HIV. I crafted an identity out of a feeling that started when I was around 6 years of age. It was a feeling common in the childhoods of most gay men and women; a feeling of "feeling different". I was led by many to interpret that feeling to mean that I was gay. Later in life I began to question, "Who told me that the benign feeling of ‘feeling different’ meant that I was gay? That interpretation was fostered by the verbal contributions of my peers and the contemptuous need of society to label anything that appears different. But maybe, just maybe the feeling didn't mean that I was different. Maybe it meant that I was set apart for something different.

I have long since physically left the gay community, but my heart is still there. I still consider myself an integral part of the gay community. My own life was affected by homosexuality. I know the trials and tribulations that gay men and women go through today. I know that just like me, there are people trapped in a gay identified world that long to be free. There are others who are quite happy being gay. The liberal media would have us believe that the Church's strong voice in the world is the sole cause of gay teen suicides. When I was growing up, it wasn't the church that caused me inner turmoil with my sexuality. Deep down I knew the attractions I was starting to feel were wrong. The feelings were awkward and shameful. The church didn't have to tell me that. It was the voice of God that made me aware of how sin had manifested in me, but also how I could bring peace to the chaos brewing in the area of my sexuality.

I felt like killing myself as a teen not because of the church, but because satan tried to get at me anyway that he can. His whispers and lies twisted the Bible into a condemnation of me, not of the sin that was overtaking me. After many years I got real honest with myself about how homosexuality developed in my life. Many gay men and women use the act of "coming out" as a great dismissal of the developmental history that shaped their gay identity. History be damned. Genetics is the great enabler that keeps many bound to a life of destruction. My heart breaks a little more each day as satan, disguised as an angel of light, brings false hope with slogans like "It gets better" and “NOH8”. Every witty new catchphrase serves as another weapon against allowing the truth of Jesus Christ to penetrate the darkness. Equally as frustrating is how many kids are led astray when a celebrity comes out of the closet and is heralded as a hero. Where in the world are the Christians who would stand up against the gay agenda and say enough? Denomination after denomination has fallen to the power of satan wielded by the gay agenda.

More often than not it’s a message no church dares to tackle. How many kids have to be shuffled off to hell, before we find it necessary to be better fathers and better men? Before we turn off the television with its rampant sexual agendas and take a stand for decency, in our homes and in our community. I am still a part of the gay community, whether they want me or not. Why? The false love and acceptance of the world is leading them to an early grave without the knowledge of Jesus Christ. Will one more news anchor or celebrity teach your family its values, or will you have the courage to step up in the face of great persecution and stand for what is good, decent and right? I spoke of true hate speech earlier, because the gay agenda will always use "hate crimes" or "hate speech" as a way of stifling opposing opinions and the truth. We can't let what they say to us or about us, determine whether or not we stand in obedience to Christ. There are kids out there looking for a savior. Where would you have them find that savior? The truth is that life only gets better if Christ is actively involved. Otherwise, "It gets better" is simply the latest literary vehicle to soothe hurt feelings and keep the message of the gospel at bay. It’s the warbled battle cry of a community headed straight for an eternity separated from God. Though the gay community and I still share a common history, I have God to thank that our futures are vastly different. It is a future I wish for all people, not just my gay brothers and sisters. A future in Christ. An eternity with God.

Proverbs 3:5&6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Everyone that calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

Truth is a Lie

My thoughts are random at best right now. As I was brushing my teeth tonight, my emotions accessed some distance portion of my brain that took me back to the day that my mother died. At the time I didn't know the events of that Friday morning would result in her death. My thoughts danced on the border between utter chaotic sadness and simple recollection. What would we do or say if we knew that the very moments we were spending with someone were our last. Those last moments with mother shortly before her death seem as surreal as one can get. After they loaded her into the ambulance and we didn't see her any more I knew in my heart that she hadn't made it. Thinking something and seeing the actual thought materialized in front of you is a jolt of reality that always takes some getting used to. When my friend and coworker Dawn died at Sea World I went into an alternative reality for a few days. Everything was real in my life except for her death. After all, how could Dawn be dead. I had just seen her a few days prior. And death is just something that happens to other people and on the television. I remember keeping the front section of the paper with her picture on it, face down on my nightstand for days. I knew what it said. I knew it was her picture. But if I didn't look at it, I had my friend for a few more days. I didn't have to accept the awful truth. I didn't want to face the reality of Dawn's humanity, my own and that of those around me. I wanted, as I have most of my life, to live in that happy place where terse words are sometimes exchanged, but nothing bad ever happens. I remember the day that I walked over to the nightstand and flipped the paper over. There it was. The truth, I had known about, but had chosen to avoid for days on end, because to be quite honest, I couldn't handle the truth. After my mom's death, I felt it was best to do something right away for my father. So I began to clean his house. My mother had everything bathed in swatches of purple and lavender. I went out and bought dad blue things and striped things and took all the purple away, because that is how I felt would best help him grieve. Out of sight, out of mind. My mom spent her last days in a recliner. My father asked that we removed the recliner. That is all he really asked, but I took it a step further. My mom had turned into a bit of hoarder, so I began to de-hoarde the house. In my exuberance, I got a little carried away. It seemed to my brother that I was embarking on an all out effort to erase mom's memory from the face of the planet. To me it seemed logical to get rid of things that had been in boxes and storage for years. My brother wanted to keep all of mom's stuff and not the letters she had written him. I wanted to save her letters and get rid of all the material stuff. I thought he was being ridiculous and rude. He thought I was being a heartless bastard. In the end, I had to open up my mind to the grieving process and how everyone copes very differently than I do. And that was okay.

The bible says that we shall know the truth and the truth will set us free. I think the reason that so many people don't embrace the truth is because they believe the path they are on is the truth. It is easy to see how so many are deceived by the enemy. If their bondage has always been "their truth" and they have built their entire lives around "their truth", then when someone comes along and offers them the actual truth, they can't easily accept it right away. That was the case for me. I remember homosexual attractions as far back as age 6. But to make the quantum leap to say I was born gay is to rule out all the environmental stimuli that shaped my behavior from 0-6. Even if someone remembers a homosexual memory at age 4, there are still four years unaccounted for that could have shaped the sexuality of a sensitive, artistic and creative little boy.

My truth evolved over the years into the philosophy that I was gay. I built an entire mental kingdom around that one. So when the bible came along and said that the only way my brain had ever told me to respond was wrong, it wasn't met with the greatest hospitality. In my heart, I believe I knew the truth, just like I knew my friend Dawn was gone. Just like in the situation with Dawn though, even though I knew the reality, as long as I didn't turn the newspaper over, I could keep myself safe from the truth a little while longer. And so at the age of nine when God called me into the ministry and for all intents and purposes out of homosexuality, I took the bible and turned it over on the nightstand of my life and went back to sleep for years. I knew the reality of God. I knew the truth in those words figuratively laying face down "on the nightstand", but as long as I ignored it I could live according to the truth I knew, the truth I understood. The truth that let me live my life and didn't condemn me.

Years later my truth would eventually betray me and expose my heart to all manner of hurt, isolation and pain. That's when I remembered the bible I had casually cast aside so many years before. On the morning when I sat on the edge of my bed and decided to reach for the newspaper confirming the news of my friend Dawn's death, I willed myself to prepare for the harsh reality of the truth. It was this same act of will that I mustered the day I decided to stop living according to "the truth" that I was born gay. The truth I reached for that day wasn't that there was a God out there that condemned me. The truth was that there was a God out there who had been pursuing me for years to help me exchange the lie of my existence with the Truth of His Word and the life giving truth of His Son, Jesus Christ.

The truth will set you free my friend, but first you must set free "the truth" that is daily destroying your life. Jesus Christ longs to have a relationship with you. He longs to replace your vices with peace and hope, just like he did with mine.

with every heartbeat

I found this on the internet while roaming around for images of the new book I am reading by John Bevere, "The Bait of Satan". I loved both of these images. I am reminded by the top photo that just as a pulse represents a heartbeat that forgiveness represents a life truly surrendered to Christ. Now I am not particularly proud of exactly how accurate the other image has been in my life. I never set out to be sensitive individual. I don't think sensitivity is a bad quality. When sensitivity rules ones life and walls them off from relating with others, then there is a problem. Sensitivity in true balance allows a person to care for others and have compassion on them, while not getting so involved that the sensitive person is adversely affected. God created everything to be balanced, complementary if you well. Man and Woman, balanced and complementary. A life surrendered to God instead of one's self. Love your neighbor as yourself. When there is balance, everyone is taken care of because we are loving others as we love ourselves. And I know how much you love yourself my friend.

Met Jesus At Wawa

This morning as I was walking out of Wawa I ran into Jesus. Now before you call the guys with the straight jackets, let me explain. In my mind, I felt I saw myself and Jesus walking side by side. Then there was a moment as if he walked right through me transferring his thoughts into my mind without words. His thoughts? He told me that I could live as he lived during His time on earth. That I could daily walk with God and resist temptation. That the righteous life that he lived could be accomplished. That I have all the tools I need to thwart the plan of the enemy and live a life free from defilement. By no means was it new information. It was simply Jesus stepping out of heaven once again to encourage me. It was a split second interaction, but it was the theme of my thought life for the rest of the day. So I began to think about Jesus’ time on the planet. He didn’t concern himself with sex or what the haters were saying. He went about his Father’s business and he started at a very young age. Thinking about all the time I have wasted being afraid, ashamed, drunk, shy, immoral or just lazy, makes me anxious. I almost forgot being angry, offended and bitter. Now of course I spent time doing other stuff as well, good stuff. The good stuff, however, is often easy to forget or overshadowed by the bad. Or I compare my good stuff with other people’s “good stuff” and degrade myself. It’s understandable that when we find that we are good at something, we stick to it and often refuse to try something new. The aftertaste of failure is enough to keep us away from the buffet of life.

Then there is the example that Jesus set for us. The life he led before the people of His day. And His timeless legacy of faith that lives on from the scriptures. Jesus suffered the three R’s of relationship: rebuke, rejection and ridicule. His followers doubted him. They even left him in two distinct waves. He didn’t let the shifting masses distract him from his Father’s mission. I let stuff distract and lead me astray all the time. Sometimes opinions of people I barely know dictate my actions more than the voice of a God who laid down his life for me. “Stick and stones may break my bones, but words”…well, words often paralyze any and all forward motion.

As a little kid I made a silent vow. I swore that I would make sure that no one would ever hurt like I hurt. It was the moment my childhood ended and I gave up on finding a resolution for my pain. Life was no longer lived carefree and easy. The world needed a protector, a savior, a friend. A person that understood what it meant to suffer, who could prevent pain from ever happening. I couldn’t do anything to end my sorrows, but I was damned sure that the same fate wouldn’t befall anyone else. I think that was also when I formulated the opinion that God didn’t care about people’s pain. If He did He wouldn’t have let me suffer. It wasn’t like I sit and deliberated the existence of God for hours. It was a simple thought, left to fester. The enemy built a kingdom on that foundation. This was the beginning of a lot of mistakes.

I would later learn that pain is not always a bad thing. Pain is the body’s warning beacon. Pain tells us when to stop and when we have gone too far. Pain lets us know we are not invincible. Endured pain shows others that we care. Were it not for the physical pain of the cross, the emotional pain of losing close friends and the spiritual pain of separation from His father, Jesus would have been just another guy with some good news to share. Instead, He endured great pain and torment, so that you and I would never have to endure the pain of being separated from God, unless we chose to do so.

One of the other vows I made to myself was that I was never going to let anyone else hurt me. That was a hard promise to keep. No relationship is perfect. Sooner or later someone is going to hurt you. If that is the case, I decided, then relationships are “bad news”. So I built up walls. Before too long, there were walls in between me and almost everyone I knew. In order to make sure I didn’t get hurt, I refused to let people in and the person they thought they knew was someone carefully crafted up by me to keep the real me safe. Clear as mud right.

The end result is simply this; I want to be more like Jesus. What a cliché, right? Depends. Personally I am tired of living my life angry, afraid, alone, bitter, offended, immoral, anxious and lazy. I have experienced life with and without Christ. My life makes more sense with Christ. I feel physically different when I am not having my regular time in His presence. My desire is to follow Christ’s example in everything I do. My reality is that I need work on that goal. I may not always get it right. To the world I have but one reply “I am a Christian. I am not Christ. I will get things wrong. I will make my best effort to lead a good life, but when I slip please remember. My goal is submission to God, not to become a slave to pErfecTioN.”

James 1:19-21 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Proverbs 12:16 “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”

I want to walk through life with my eyes on the goal of sharing Christ with others. When I submitted my life, fully, to Jesus Christ at the end of 1998, I was tired of trying to make the world work according to my plan. Jesus Christ is the only reason I have accomplished anything in my life. He changed my life. I want people to look at my life and see the difference that Christ makes. Matthew 5:16 “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” I know that Jesus has led me to deconstruct the walls I have built in so many of my relationships. My walls kept God out as well. Fear played into it as well. Fear of getting hurt again or having people reject the real me, kept me paralyzed, so I built more walls. I had so many walls up I made ‘The Great Wall of China’ look like a room divider.

God didn’t come into my life like a wrecking ball. He allowed me to become so love starved behind my walls, that the pain of staying in isolation was greater than the pain of building new relationships. He showed me my error and led me to places of resolution. The first relationship I began to resolve was with my father. I had kept him out of my life since I was very young. When I begin to work on the relationship, I was 27. That was about as easy as juggling flaming chainsaws.

Jesus was tempted in the same ways that we are tempted, but he did not sin. That was the realization that God breathed into my head today. Jesus was God in human form, but he was subject to the laws of the body. Even in that though, he walked with God. He knew when to withdraw from the crowds. He knew when it was time to pray. He didn’t come to earth to meet needs. He came to do the will of the Father. He expects the same of me. He didn’t defile himself with the things of this world, because he saw the billion year plan. He knew that the things of this world are temporary. They offer nothing but bondage and emotional instability. Jesus showed me today that it isn’t impossible to live a righteous life in fact it is much preferred. Not because God is a prude, but because the devil is well, THE DEVIL. Evil is his middle name. Evil is even in his name. satan has nothing but death for us my friends. Christ has life and life more abundantly.

Life down here offers some amazing temporary pleasures, but if the trade off for me has often been baggage, bondage and heartache. For a moment this morning in my thoughts and contemplation, I remembered what it was like to walk with God. I remembered what it was like the first time I chose the bible over pornography as my staple mental diet. I remembered the healing that began to take place when I stopped believing all the crazy lies about God and myself that the enemy told me and started believing what the word of God says about God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit and me. Jesus made himself real to me so many years ago. Through living life in a broken world, I have forgotten over the years and turned my relationship into a religion. I don’t want more of that. I want more of Jesus.

Hungry Anaconda

I am reading a book I describe as “God’s Rototiller”. God used three people to bring this book into my life. Two of them are a married couple who are my “Spiritual Sandpaper”. Ready for the title? “The Bait of Satan”. It didn’t generate a warm fuzzy feeling for me either. It’s exactly what I needed. I have overcome a lot of things in this walk with Jesus, homosexuality, pornography, compulsive shopping, masturbation, but it seems that the sin of “holding grudges” is holding on tighter than a hungry Anaconda. Enter, “The Bait of Satan”. What a revealing look into how the enemy, satan, tempts and succeeds at getting us to hold on to unforgiveness, past hurts and anger against people who have hurt us. I’ve has some major wake up calls lately. The latest involves a story of a famous Holocaust survivor, Corrie Tin Boom. She was speaking on forgiveness. After she finished speaking, a guard from the very camp where she had been held came up to talk to her. Her sister had died in the camp. The guard told her he had become a Christian and had asked for God’s forgiveness. He was now asking for hers. She was faced with the words she had uttered only moments earlier. As he reached out his hand to her, she had a grand rush of emotion and realization. Ultimately she reached out and clasped the man’s hand as an act of her will. In that moment, she recalls an almost electrified feeling that flooded over her. It was the peace of God. My pastor related the story to our congregation. At the close of the story, he posed a simple question.

“Does the hurt in your life compare to the hurt of this woman?”

Of course it didn’t. I have been carting my pain around for so long, like a prize turd, year after year. Letting go is never easy. God didn’t seem to be doing anything to make the people that hurt me pay for their sins, so somehow if I held on to my pain I could eventually do something about it. The poison of my bitterness I held onto only serves to destroy my life. There will never be a shortage of hurt and pain. Every time we hold on to an offense, or refuse to grant forgiveness and get so angry that it is palpable, the enemy slips another hook into our flesh us and secures into the pit of despair and hopelessness.

I have lived most of my life wondering how God could let bad things happen to good people. Mainly myself. I was asking God this once in prayer and I felt like he said this to me. “Why would I spare you when I didn’t even spare my own son?” This gave me more than a few seconds of pause. God uses bad situations to focus our attention on what really matters in this world. Every hurt, every pain allows me to either fall out in anger against God or helps me develop compassion for those who have it far worse than I do. Our hurt and pain can only find its end in the presence of Jesus Christ.

I have lived far too long building walls. It is time to build bridges. Forgiveness isn’t easy. There are days I want the people who have hurt me to hurt like I did. I have to let go of that. There are times when I get so embarrassed or angry that evil thoughts consume me like a raging fire. I don’t have the capacity to release forgiveness into the world without God’s help.

I know the hurt and pain of rejection from family and peers. I know the pain of self imposed isolation. More importantly, I have experienced the love of Christ that has the power to set me free from the bondage of offense, but I have to make the choice to DAILY let go!

Over the next few weeks I will be doling out a number of apologies. Some are going to wound my pride deeply. Some are going to allow healing to flow into two lives. No matter the outcome though, I know the task that has been set before me.

Humility tastes of death in our mouths, even as it brings the sweet breath of life to our souls.

Matthew 5:43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Proverbs 12:16 “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”

John 15:20-21 20 “Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 21 They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me.”

Proverbs 4:18-20 18 The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. 19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.

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Most of the people who have hurt me live their lives in darkness. They spend every day simply trying to make it. My life is guided by the light of Jesus. Those that live in darkness don’t understand the light. The spirit at work on them may even cause them to fear the light. Why wouldn’t the enemy try to build offenses in my life in order to keep me from spreading as much light as possible?

Pain Management

A great deal of my life has been lived through the template of fear. I once heard a speaker say that we are born with two fears: the fear of heights and the fear of being alone. Every other fear is learned or conditioned. By puberty I had cornered the market on fear. I had been bit by two dogs so I was afraid of dogs. I was afraid of my brother, my dad and my mom, so home life was scary. I was afraid of most of the boys in school, some of my teachers and my cousins. I was afraid of getting in trouble. I was afraid of getting something wrong. When I got into Junior High, this guy named Robin Hansen made sure that my life was a living hell. So as you can imagine I was afraid of going to school as well. I even remember being at church and having one of the sunday school teachers send the bigger kids to round us up one Sunday, which ultimately generated fear in another department. My life was literally devoid of a place of solitude. So I set out to come up with my own.

As a young boy, I grew tired of getting hurt. I made many decisions not to hurt any more all throughout my young life. Those decisions became my daily existence. Never feeling loved or protected by my parents, I pretty much assumed I was on my own when it came to self protection and preservation. My great fears and my decision to ultimately stay safe served as the catalyst to keep myself walled off from most every human in my life. And thus the great starvation of my heart began. People need people. Even the ones that aren't so nice sometimes are still nice to have around if you are lonely.

Off I went on my daily quest, "Play it safe and don't get hurt". It was the constant mantra that I poured down over my brain each and every morning. Walking through this world, trying to dodge what you're afraid of and hurtful situations is akin to driving in a racecar at the Daytona 500. Did you know racecar is spelled the same backwards and forwards? Squirrel !!! I did it though. I was teased and picked on relentlessly as an awkward teenage boy who learned to be a human by watching his mom. I was called all manner of terrible homosexual slurs and bullied to the point of tears and self hatred. I'd walk around the outside of the school some days just to make sure Robin didn't get in a few, verbal potshots between classes.

I developed a coping mechanism for pain as a young boy. If it hurts, don't deal with it, shrug it off and slip off into fantasy where all is well and no one can hurt you. The trouble is, you can't wall off everyone. Maintaining those walls on a daily basis gets exhausting over time. At some point you have to let some people in. At that point though, I was already prone to being offended and afraid of getting hurt again. I could blow even the smallest offenses can be misunderstood and blown out of proportion.

I write none of this for you to feel sorry for me. I write this so that maybe others who are trapped in fear and self loathing can know that there is a God out there who sees their hurt and pain and desperately longs to connect with them. Many who have lived a life like mine, have ruled God out of the equation of their life. If God exists they say, how could he let me be in so much pain. Where was he when all that bad stuff was happening to me? I never ruled God out of the equation, but I always wondered why he let so much happen to me? For that reason I lived my life and treated God like an addendum to it. It took a long time, before I let him have control of my heart and my mind.

I'll go to my grave refuting that homosexuality is genetic. I believe people are born Sensitive, Artistic and Creative. Just because I am a man, doesn't mean if I have those qualities that I am a gay man. A large portion of my early childhood conditioning was responsible for the development of homosexuality in my life. As has been the case for other men I know. One simply can't rule out the absence of a father or a stifled connection with a present father, as a determining factor for the development of homosexuality. I felt completely isolated from my gender as a boy. At every turn when I ventured into the world of men I was rebuffed. It wasn't too long, before I stopped trying to be a man and hung out with the girls where it was safe.

I once had a therapist describe the formation of homosexuality in my life.

"What do you do with your pain?", he asked me. Without hesitation I thought of the perfect visual image.

"I wrap it up in nice little white boxes. Then I put the boxes on shelves to be experienced later." That is when he said something so profound. I have never forgotten it.

"It would appear," he said, "that you have invented a completely, different life in order to manage your pain." WOW! Eventually his words would bring peace to the chaos of my mind. I had an epiphany. If I had indeed created another life in order to manage my pain, then that other "life" wouldn't be necessary, if I could learn to manage my pain on my own.

His simple observation became the foundation of revelation in my life.

Truth, Setting You Free

My writing will always be a mix of profound statements interspersed with what's best described as mental diarrhea. Truthfully, I'm not looking for anyone's approval. If what I say helps someone feel less crazy, mission accomplished. I just needed a place to process my mental baggage, to distinguish between thoughts: good, useless and W.T.H. . Let me be brutally honest. I have been a Christian since I was 10. I also remember being attracted to other guys as early as 6. Christianity and Homosexuality, the oil and water of the spiritual realm. After many years of trying to homogenize the two in my life, I discovered the truth when I turned 27. At 27 I submitted control of my life to Jesus Christ. Jesus helped me walk away from homosexuality and the many facets of sexual brokenness that had a death grip on my life. Homosexuality isn't genetic. When we say it is, we absolve ourselves of the responsibility of correcting our own mistakes and righting the wrongs done to us in our past.

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Sorry Gaga, No one was "born that way". Jesus Christ offers redemption from all homosexuality. A deceptive belief in the gay community is that Jesus never spoke out against homosexuality. Never mind that Paul, who wrote most of the new testament, not only spoke against it, but also spoke of those who had been delivered from it. In Matthew 15, Jesus addressed sexual immorality. Matthew 15:18-20 But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ 19 out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what make a man ‘unclean'... When Jesus speaks of sexual immorality and adultery, he is covering all sexual relationships outside the union of a man and woman, which was God's design from the beginning. I know many men and women who have turned away from sexual sin, gay and straight, and turned towards God. There is freedom from homosexuality. We are living proof. There are many in the gay agenda that would have people believe that you can't change your sexual orientation. That's precisely why I went with the title "Unicorns, Aliens and Bigfoot". It appears that ex gay men and women have been relegated to the realm of myth. I am here as proof positive that not only do we exist, but we are not going away any time soon. To coin a phrase, "We're here. We USED to be Queer. Get used to it!" Ex gays are as much a part of the gay community as any LGBTer out there. In fact, I think some new initials are in order. How about LGBTR, with the R standing for Redeemed of course. This is not a message of exclusion or a message to spark debate. If you are trapped in a gay identified life, there is hope. Jesus Christ is that hope. If you are instead celebrating gay and all it's many facets, we'll have to agree to disagree, but not debate. I would only ask that in the light of the great religion of "Tolerance" that you allow those of us who don't see a future in homosexuality to make a choice to walk away as you decide to live it out. May Jesus watch over us all.