Everlasting Echoes of Truth
I am still in shock about Exodus International closing. One of my students shared his testimony today at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida. It was perfect. No one prepped the crowd. He simply told how he had moved in with his boyfriend. Then Jesus led him to the realization that he couldn’t be both gay and Christian. Something had to give. Jesus won out. There were no audible gasps. No one left the room. When Alan Chambers spoke about the role of the church as Exodus closes, he said that churches are now ready to fill the void. I believe my church, Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida is one of those churches. Are we FULLY ready? No. Are we asking the right questions and pressing in to Jesus? Yes. I spent 20 minutes talking to my pastor’s wife today about Exodus. She wanted to know the what, why and how behind the closing. I gave her a brief synopsis. Then as if cued by the Holy Spirit, she began to quote some of the same ideas and realizations about the situation that God had revealed to me. No organization can step up and do the work the church needs to do and that includes building relationships with the wounded and shepherding them in their walk with Jesus. Then the pastor’s wife asked me a question I could not answer. I know that as a church and a ministry we will one day do our best to answer it together.
“How do we as a church, communicate the love of Jesus Christ to the gay community while still sharing the truth of God’s word concerning the sin of homosexuality?”
We can’t occupy either of the two extremes: all love and hyper-grace or supreme condemnation and fear. There must be balance in our approach, leaving the one size fits all mentality to K-Mart Moo-moos and Cooking Aprons.
I got so mad at Alan Chambers that my judgment was clouded. I didn’t understand. I still don’t. HONESTY ALERT!!! My reaction to the closure of Exodus meant that I had placed my faith and trust in an organization. Exodus had become somewhat of an idol to me. I was angry that there was chaos where there had once been peace. That is when the conviction of the Holy Spirit came in. “God is where you place your faith and trust.” With Exodus gone, I could focus my eyes back on God.
When I calmed, I was reassured in a text from Alan that no matter what we are still friends. Yes, that is right. Alan Chambers is my friend. He gave me my first job in this ministry. He hired me as the Emcee for the 2002 Exodus Freedom Conference. Alan has introduced me to several young men that I have mentored over the years. He has given me advice. We’ve shared more than one lunch at the Cracker Barrel near the office. Alan Chambers has been a hero in my life.
I think of other names around Exodus when I began my walk out of homosexuality. John Paulk and John Smid. John Paulk co-authored the book, “Love Won Out”. He recently came out apologizing for his work with Exodus. It didn’t phase me. Here’s why. John Paulk spoke of freedom from homosexuality and Jesus at a time when I needed to hear it most. Just because he doesn’t believe it any more, doesn’t mean that the truth of God’s word about homosexuality is any less true.
John Smid mentored me at a time when I needed guidance and the viewpoint from a wiser man in this walk. He instilled in me the excitement of a life surrendered to Jesus. Both these guys have recanted most of the statements they made over the last decade, concerning Exodus ministry, but it was too late for me to be swayed by the new “gospel” they’re preaching. They had already led me to the only gospel that ever mattered; the message of Jesus Christ.
My friends, the bible says that if possible in the last days, even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived. Before you point fingers at any of the men above, go take a look in the mirror. You could very well be next. satan is alive and well. He can tempt and deceive any of us. Don’t single out heroes that have fallen, but instead pray for them. Pray for yourself that you don’t fall victim to the schemes of the enemy. 1 Peter 5:8 says it best, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
Ultimately, it’s the message of the bible, not any ministry that is to shape and guide our lives. Do I believe you can be gay and Christian? I’ll let another one of my heroes, Joe Dallas, answer that question with a scripture he quoted. Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Obedience in EVERY area of our lives is the key. Obedience- doing what the bible says is right, even when our heart, hormones and friends try to steer us off course. The bible is not the menu at Burger King. You can’t “have it your way”. A life in Christ is all or nothing.
Big Foot Buffet
So yesterday I partook in a Humble Pie buffet. A day before I left Sea World a new exhibit, Antarctica: Empire of the Penguin, opened. Sea World was offering free Antarctic fare to employees. Each employee got one meal ticket. I felt that the portions were small and I was “man hungry”. A friend of mine went through the line and they forgot to take her meal ticket. I saw the ticket and immediately thought, FREE MEAL. I snatched up the ticket and went back for a second “Free” meal. Meanwhile, my co-workers went to the Exhibit without me. The ravenous feeling I’d had earlier quickly gave way to guilt.
It was a complete lapse in judgment as my hunger overrode my morals. I doubted God’s provision for my needs completely. It led me to steal that “free” meal. How quickly I forgot that God replaced my roof and ceilings at a cost of $25,000 to my insurance company. That He found a buyer for my upside down truck. Or that He completely funded my trip to the Exodus Conference in California. The conviction of the Holy Spirit came in questions. “Why are you rationalizing wrong motives and stealing food? Have I ever reduced you to begging for scraps of bread?” I knew I had made the wrong choice. I began to rationalize how to fix the problem. Were my actions “really” wrong? Maybe I could get another ticket from someone who hadn’t eaten. Ultimately, I knew my action though simple was in fact a willful act of sin. I had to make it right.
I confessed my actions to a friend. I needed to go back and pay for the meal. A month later I returned to Sea World as a guest to pay for the meal. God didn’t make it easy. The parking attendants parked us in the lot farthest from the gate. I exited the car and began my long, hot walk of shame. Ironically, I was bathed in sweat by the time I arrived at Antarctica. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this. I saw a lone cashier and headed for him. I told the young man I needed to pay for a chicken meal. He said I was supposed to get the food first. I told him that I had already gotten the food, which was true, but like an idiot I KEPT TALKING! I told him I already got the food then informed him that the rest of my party was inside. “LIAR!”. “LIAR!”. I got my receipt and began to walk away and the Holy Spirit was on me again. Ever gently. Ever persistent. “Matthew, you did the right thing, but you lied again in an effort to spare yourself embarrassment.” UGH!!!! He was right. It was embarrassing as well, because God revealed to me how easy it was to lie to get through an uncomfortable situation. I fixed my first lie, with a second lie.
The Holy Spirit just kept telling me to fix it. The efforts to be pure and Holy in other areas of my life were worth nothing if I let this lie stand. Commence Antarctica walk of shame number 2. I was beginning to hate Penguins. What was I going to say? Eventually, I settled on telling the truth. I stepped up again and said something to this effect. Hi, Do you remember when they gave the employees a free lunch? Well I used to work here and the cashier didn’t take one of my co-workers tickets, so I took the ticket and got a second free meal. It’s been eating me up ever since so I needed to come back and pay for that meal. That is the meal that I just paid for. “ I don’t think I have seen a more confused look since I told my friend Linda I was gay the night before a landmark genetics test. The kid looked at me and and said, “Okay.” Which is teenager for, “Okay Loser, can I go back to doing nothing?” I left and all was right with the universe again. I didn’t even ask for a pass member discount. My conscience was clear. My wallet $10.64 lighter. I was once again ready for another opportunity to trust God.
Confessions of a Closet Runner
I attended my 12th and final Exodus Freedom conference this past week in California. After 38 years, Exodus is closing. Recently, I left my full time job at Sea World in order to pursue ministry full time. Coincidence. I think not. God is afoot. I am excited for what He plans to do in this new season.
With all the apologies, legislation and myths flying about, the good works Exodus has done were swept under the rug faster than Honey Boo Boo can wolf down a chili dog. So, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and “come out of my own closet”. Yes, my friends I must confess that I…I…am…a…person who was helped by Exodus. WHAT!?!?! Yes, I know, shocking in light of news reports. “Apparently” there weren’t many of us. Most are afraid to express it openly for fear of being ridiculed by those who consider Exodus to be a worse than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I can’t hide forever. I have end my silence and share my story.
I heard a lot of conflicting messages at this past conference. One couple testified that they now know that gay and Christian can coexist together. They shared that God had created their gay son, just the way he was meant to be. Wow! These were definitely not the messages of past Exodus conferences or the bible. I listened and took it all with a grain of salt. I began walking away from homosexuality in 1998. A few years prior I called myself a gay Christian. The Holy Spirit challenged my twisted view of spirituality. “I see a lot of gay in your life, but not a lot Christian,” He said. He was right. I called myself a gay Christian, because I believed the lie that I was born gay and I knew my relationship with Jesus wasn’t an option.
I focused my attention on my Christian walk instead of my gay Christian charade. My life began to change. Trying to live a hybridized life of gay and Christian brought this scripture in 1 Corinthians 6 to mind. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
I always had doubts about my Same Sex Attractions. My gay friends said it was the church that coerced me into believing that being gay was wrong. I know it was the conviction of the Holy Spirit that fostered my doubts. Romans 14:12 nourished those doubts. 12 “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” The truth of God’s word haunted me. One day I would stand before God and the anger and attitude with which I staunchly defended my homosexuality would be silenced as God reviewed EVERYTHING. The masses wouldn’t protect me then. My best friend Scott couldn’t vouch for me. In the end it’s just you and God.
The last message I heard from the stage at Exodus was that one speaker had not experienced much change at all in their attractions over the 10 years they had been attending Exodus conferences. I wondered why they kept coming back? Then with a grateful, humbled, softer heart I thought. “I experienced change. I have. I continuously do.” The message I was hearing was not one of change and freedom, but instead one of doubt and a lesser gospel than the one I had experienced. Jesus said in Mark 10:27 “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” To me that included healing from homosexual attractions. The story from the stage was not my story, I felt ashamed at first. I felt like I was judging or even prideful about my victories over my attractions. With the messages of failure coming from the stage, I felt my success story wasn’t welcome. And that my friends’ is when I went back into the closet.
I didn’t stay in there long. I have changed. I have experienced freedom, but was my story welcome amongst the apologies and doubt. To be completely honest, I still have attractions to guys on occasion. BUT…after 12 years of attending Exodus Freedom conferences, I have experienced dramatic changes in those attractions. They are way less penis focused and more situationally focused and considerably less life altering. Guys’ who are tall, muscular, have great hair and great self esteem and self confidence still draw my attention. That doesn’t mean my attractions haven’t changed, it means that I fall victim to the act of comparing myself to others like everyone else in the world. It’s stifling at times. My attractions to women have dramatically increased over the years as I have learned healthy ways to relate to straight guys.
After years of sexual intimacy with guys, God gifted me with true intimacy. I shared one of the most intimate moments of my life with a straight guy friend. He invited me to listen to music and brainstorm ideas for a script he wanted me to write. He shared his vision and his heart and welcomed me into his creative world. He showed interest and gave value to my abilities and me. It was the most intimate act any guy has ever done for me. Sexual intimacy between men forces one to secede his masculinity to the other, thereby rejecting God’s design for his sexuality. Sin enters in and both men are shamed. Healthy intimacy between two guys, allows for mutual encouragement and edification as both men grow into the design that God has created for them. There is no guilt, shame or sin in that, only meaningful relationships and trust.
So there you have it. Man do I feel better. Confession is good for the soul. I hope my bravery will convince others to come out of hiding and share their triumphs as well. I have done a fair amount of growth on my own through the years, but Exodus Freedom Conferences helped me establish a little more of exactly that, Freedom, from the life that kept me in bondage. There was a fair amount of work I had to do on my own. I know what my life looked like when I had the consumer mentality and showed up at my local Exodus ministry expecting a contact “healing”. Jesus insured that salvation is free, but the rest of the Christian life takes work. We have to willingly change sinful habits, study scripture, pray and deny ourselves daily. I have met people who blame Exodus, but the truth is they made excuses not commitments. They simply gave up, because a life of denial and following after Christ is difficult. Sure there were rogue ministries out there, but when you add the human element to anything things are bound to get ugly.
When I first began my walk out of homosexuality, I was that guy who told God that I wouldn’t be gay, but I wasn’t going to date women. Later, God revealed how I was a Christian with stipulations and not a surrendered Christian. I changed my phrasing and begin to tell people that whatever God wanted for me, singleness or marriage, was fine with me. All the while, knowing I wasn’t looking or praying for a wife. In fact I would get mad if I found out people were praying for my future wife. Where am I today? Well, a few weeks ago I gave my pastor the name of a young lady. He asked her name so he could pray for her. That answer to prayer scares me a little, but not for the same reason it scared the gay kid I was way back when. Ultimately, it is a good feeling. Surrender. I believe it is what stands between God’s plan for our lives and our plan for our lives. Most of us stand just beyond God’s reach and blame everyone and everything for our failures. At the end of it all though, when you breathe your last, the truth will be revealed. I guess you just have to ask yourself one question regarding the truth: Will it define your life now or determine your eternity later?
Pray. They Need Jesus
We all do it. We make up our mind then build a case to support the decision we’ve already made. New car smell is an aphrodisiac to a 20 something guy as fresh, baked cookies are to the 40 something guy. After we get what we want, we realize the thrill of the chase rather than the actual thing was what excited us. Let’s look at Lust vs. Joy. Joy is finding pleasure in things that God provides. Joy waits and trusts for God’s provision. Lust is the fast food, synthetic version of Joy. Lust comes about when we attempt to recreate joy for ourselves. “I want it right now.” “I have to have it.” “I’ll die of I don’t…”. It’s the difference between waiting for sex after marriage or casual sex. It’s the difference between letting God heal your wounds or self-medicating for immediate relief.
Lust was the order of the day for so long in my life. I fell for satan’s traps, because they looked good and they were easier to achieve. Salvation is a free gift, but maturity, breaking bad habits and living a Holy life all take time. The cost is high. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character.” When we do the right thing, it will cost us the friends and friends with benefits we hold close. It will cost us emotionally and financially. The bible says before we attempt anything, we should sit down and count the cost. It also says we will be persecuted for pursuing a pure and holy life. Jesus was. God did not spare his only son. He will not spare us.
I started reading Job two days ago. There’s a case study in persecution. Biblically, persecution is an integral part of the Christian walk. Knowing this, I cringe when I hear hurting people ask questions like, “How could God let this happen?” or they make statements like “I know God doesn’t want me to suffer.” These are feel good statements, not biblical truths. Scripture says that God isn’t willing that any man should perish, that is why He sent His son Jesus. God is not concerned with our happiness and comfort. If He was, Jonah woulda got a Jetski, Lazarus wouldn’t have died and the woman caught in adultery woulda got an “Atta Girl” and not a “Sin no more”. God’s express concerns are that we know His son and that we love others as we love ourselves. Love is all encompassing concern for the well being of those we care about and those heading towards death. Love is not a “Golden Ticket”, free for all, where we step aside and let sin run it’s course.
The events of the last couple of days are saddening, not surprising. Exodus International closing it’s doors, the DOMA was defeated and California reinstating gay marriage. God isn’t surprised, either. If one of His main concerns is that we know Jesus, then everything else we put our hope in will be stripped away, as God leads us to Jesus. People have been crying out for gay marriage, for years and now they have it. I see it like every other thing we desperately pursue in life. Fulfillment will come for a moment, but eventually people will still have a void in their hearts. They will look for the next thing. Eventually, all roads lead to Jesus Christ, whether we are dead or alive. He is the only one that can quell the aching of our hearts. The void is there to draw us into the presence of God, where true fulfillment lives.
It’s time to stop erecting borders and start building bridges. And way past time to pray diligently, for individuals in your life who are gay or marrying their partners. People who don’t encounter Jesus spend their lives searching for something to make them happy. Let your prayers be lifted to heaven today for your friends and family who are gay. Pray for God’s will in their lives, not their “straightness.” All the other sinners in your life need prayer, too. Hopefully there is another blog for them. God is in the business of redemption. Many of us have walked away from homosexuality. We are not the stuff of legend. The media circus does not speak for us when they say you can’t change your sexuality. We cling to the hope of Jesus Christ for all men and women who want freedom from homosexuality. We profess that Freedom, truly is possible.
Freedom Friday —} Sunday Funday
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About 500 Exodus International Freedom Conferences ago, I thought of a really great idea that lay dormant for years. I began attending the Exodus Conferences in 2001 a few years after I began my walk out of homosexuality. The conferences were well organized and power packed with knowledge, worship and prayer. Yet, there was always one day that energized me. That day was lovingly called “Freedom Friday”! It was the Friday of the conference week. It was nestled perfectly between tough days of learning and teaching, after guys and gals had their minds blown by the informative workshops indicative of every Exodus Conference. Freedom Friday was a day to ponder. FF was a day of rest and relaxation. A day to forget that your heart and soul were hurting in a good way. In a sense, it was a day of rest in between battles for our minds.
A few years ago, Freedom Friday was dropped from the schedule, because of the economy. It made financial sense. It never made developmental and spiritual sense. So there we were, Freedom Friday Free and in need of an outlet. That is when my brain began to churn out ideas. I wanted to do something that would get our Exodus guys out of the house and into the world. Many of the conferences before we had done adventure trips or played sports. All of which were packed with physical activity. My idea was to start an adventure group for guys walking out of homosexuality. I wanted to start an Ex-gay Adventure Group, but I did absolutely nothing about it.
It was crazy, far-fetched and the name just wasn’t too appealing. How exactly does one market an Ex-Gay Adventure Group? I began to come up with names. I finally decided on was XG4 Adventures. It was obvious what XG stood for. The 4 was short for Force. I abbreviated, because I didn’t want to sound like a band of ex gay superheroes. But once again, I did nothing to bring the group out of the pages of my mind and into reality.
Then I met my roommate Stacy. A straight guy who had never struggled with homosexuality, but had his own brand of struggle on the planet. His dream was to enrich the lives of young straight men, by taking on wilderness adventures. Our desires were very similar. I believe that it was a desire that God birthed in both of our hearts. We let our dreams sit in the "parking lot" for years. We did a few mini adventures here and there, but for the most part, the grand reveal would be years in the making.
Fast Forward to June 23, 2013. Today was the first foray into making both of our dreams a reality. While attending the last Exodus Freedom Conference in Orange County, California, we decided to take a hike. We took a big group of Exodus Men on a Hike in the foothills along the California coast, near Laguna Beach.
We climbed hills and carried rocks to simulate burdens that we would carry for each other in real life. There were those who walked ahead. Those who kept an eye on stragglers. And those who marched to the beat of their own drum. We lost sight of one another every once in awhile and eventually made it back to home base. Point is, We did it all together. It was nothing special and something extraordinary all at once. Stacy was the mastermind behind the adventure. At the top we paused for a moment to build a monument with our rocks and offer our lives to God in prayer.
Praise God for the culmination of two dreams in the lives of so many great men. Thank you God for these men. Thank You God, for these lives brought out of darkness and into Your life giving Light.
The Death of Exodus
As you may or may not have heard by now, an amazing ministry that has meant the world to many, Exodus International, is shutting it’s doors. It seems to have been a long time coming. But just because you know grandma is dying, doesn’t mean you’re less sad when she goes. I have attended the annual Exodus Freedom conference every year since 2002. I missed one year to run with the Bulls in Pamplona. Otherwise, the conferences have been the only staple in my life, other than gas and Shamu.
So here I am, sitting at my last breakfast on my last day of the last Exodus International Freedom Conference. My heart is sad, but my mind is abuzz with how to help this community next. As the world celebrates the demise of my “old friend”, standing over her lifeless corpse still holding the bloody knife they used to kill her, I know she will rise again.
I was full of piss and vinegar for the first couple of days of this conference. When I get that way, I practice very little control over my mouth. It’s a flaw that I can’t afford as a Christian. You see, even though I have gotten a huge amount of freedom from my sexual desires, White, Hot Anger is still a toxin that grips my heart and flows in my veins. What sparked my anger? I’ve heard general apologies to the media for things I did not do. I’ve heard wounded people speak gruesome, life-altering declarations out of broken places, where sound doctrines have been replaced with emotional regrets. I’ve heard that “Gay and Christian can coexist” communicated from a platform that used to preach healing to the broken. Many years ago the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and told me I had to choose between Gay and Christian. In my heart, I knew that God was not an option. God didn’t leave me there, but provided a way for me to walk away from my homosexuality. I had to choose to walk that out daily. Every day of every year since I heard His declaration. I had to choose to walk as God led.
Alan Chambers is my friend. He has been for years. I don’t pretend to understand everything he does. He doesn’t pretend to understand my stuff either. In 2001, after my first Exodus conference, Alan Chambers offered me my first job in ministry as the Emcee for the 2002 Conference. It is Alan Chambers who trusts me with people who call the office looking for a mentor. Alan Chambers has led this organization beautifully for years. Alan Chambers is indeed my friend. I would have never chosen for Exodus to close this way. I would have chosen celebration in place of somber. Yet, it is not up to me. It was up to Alan and his board and ultimately up to God. God is not any more surprised by this, than you should be surprised that K-mart smells like the 70’s.
Freedom from homosexuality comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. That message will escape the ruins of this “burning building.” It is a message of hope and freedom in a world of ever increasing bondage. It is not God’s will that any man should perish. It is His will that every man should get to know Jesus and have everlasting life.
My time and my friends here will be missed. I won’t mourn what could have been, one second longer than I should. The people that hate us are the ones who need to hear the message of the gospel most. We owe it to them to reevaluate our Christian walks. I would beg you, regardless of your struggle, to realize that your life is the only bible some people may read. If you call yourself a Christian, then surrender your life to God daily and live according to His word. If your “Christian” walk is a tailored mixture of select scripture and personal convictions tainted with human emotion, please call yourself something else. Stop muddying the gospel to people who need the good medicine of the Word to treat their disease of sin. Don’t circumvent another person’s relationship with Jesus, because yours isn’t working. A lost and dying world deserves firsthand, unpolluted knowledge of Jesus’ healing power, because it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that has power; power to change, power to free people and freedom from the bondage that holds us fast.
The world has not seen the last of the message of Exodus, because at its core it is the message of the gospel. We’ve all lost our way. We all need a savior. Let the games begin.
God, Loving Killer
I often wonder what bible people are reading when they preach the reductive gospel, “God is love.” Now before you “all grace” and no judgment Christians stone me for having an opinion, hear me out. Of course God is love. 1 John 4 speaks about the loving nature of God and it firmly states that God is love. The injustice we heap on new Christians and sinners alike is that we relate only half the message of the bible. We set up our smoke and mirrors witnessing agendas and shouting God is love, yet we stop short, some deliberately and some unwittingly, of sharing the whole truth of the gospel. We’ve become a religion of used car salesmen, trying to make the sale without full disclosure of the facts. We have lost faith in the power of the gospel and we go around setting “Salvation Traps” like a bunch of Evangelistic, Pioneer woodsmen. Paul says in Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.”
Why have we become afraid? Well the world is a dangerous place for the truth. And there are so many different versions of it, how do make sure the absolute truth finds its way to the top of the heap of relative truths? Why have we shaved the gospel down to some palatable, watered down script we sell every Sunday morning with a catchy jingle, a fancily dressed worship leader and the latest Mac technology? The truth is folks that the gospel is offensive. And when the people we have tricked into coming to church with the promise that God is love find out that He killed his own son as a blood sacrifice, well…let’s just say there is going to be a dirty, smelly fan somewhere if you know what I mean.
I get a lot of criticism for being embarrassingly open about the garbage of my past. But when people look into my life and see that this once barren, old landfill has become a place of hope and life for many, I forget the critics and remember what Jesus said. Go into all the world and preach the gospel. And that gospel that He refers to my friends is one that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. That we are all in need of a savior. That the wages of that sin we are all steeped in daily is not a long, beautiful eternity, floating on a bed of roses listening to Elevator music. The Wages of Sin is Death. Eternal separation from God. “But God is love; right?” I don’t have a love affair with the macabre and or a need to explore every aspect of God’s darkside. I simply want full disclosure. If you are going to ask someone to commit their lives to something, then for goodness sakes tell them about your bumps and bruises. Tell them exactly why you discovered, you personally were in need of a savior. Ultimately, it comes down to this. I don’t want to be sitting next to someone I brought to church and hear them gasp as I say quietly to myself, “Ooops! Did I forgot to mention that?”
Now we don’t have to go and pull a Westboro Baptist Rant on those we deem unclean. We have to share the truth respectfully, but in the end we have to share it in it’s entirety or we diffuse it’s power by hybridizing it with our emotionally, fuzzy logic. We might as well be reading Green Eggs and Ham to people in an effort to get them to heaven. And for goodness sakes men, be men and stop leaving religious tracts on the urinals. Not only is it extremely unsanitary, it’s cowardly. Live this walk or speak it out. Don’t ascribe to some cowardly version of evangelism, because you are afraid of rejection. What are we, a band of Evangelistic elves waiting for the world to go to sleep so we can slip a scripture into their stocking? Nuff said!
Before you get too angry with me remember, this is a blog people. I’m not writing a new draft of the constitution. That is Washington, D.C.’s daily task. I do want you all to pull your stories out of the cedar chest or that back bedroom. What has God done in your life lately? If when you speak about God, the date of your story has a 19 at the beginning of the year, you need a fresh experience with Jesus, because there is a dying world out there in desperate need of the truth of the gospel. Okay, well I am done. I’ve kicked the sleeping bear and told a bunch of partygoers that a hornet’s nest was in fact a Piñata. I love Jesus people. I love the truth of the gospel. Put down your “water pitchers” and your emotions and communicate the truth of Jesus Christ according to Matthew, Mark, Luke or John and leave (Insert your name here)’s opinion out of it. God bless
Motivated Intern or "Fire Insurance"
My daily bible reading is a little Old Testament and a little New Testament. I read it all, no skipping, even if I can't pronounce the names. Even when my brain goes off on an ADD rabbit trail and wonders what some of these guys nicknames were. Today there was a passage in Deuteronomy that was particularly rebukeful. Yeah, that's not a word, but you get it. Deuteronomy 4:2 "You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take from it, that you may keep the commandments of the Lord your God. 5 “Surely I have taught you statutes and judgments, just as the Lord my God commanded me, that you should act according to them in the land which you go to possess. 6 Therefore be careful to observe them; for this is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the peoples who will hear all these statutes, and say, ‘Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.’
We are all guilty of this my friends. We get in a bind spiritually and we bend the rules ever so slightly to suit our needs. We rationalize and make statements like, "God want's me to be happy" or "God doesn't want anyone to suffer". Gay people get a bad rap in our culture today, because Christians can see that their beliefs are in direct defiance to God's law. But my Christian friends, what about divorce, premarital sex, smoking, drinking excessively, unwholesome talk, gossip and other acts of mistrust of our God or defiance of his word. If we are called to be a Christian, shouldn't we want to get to know the leader of the movement? Shouldn't we want to get to know His core values and aspirations. Or are we simply in it for the "Fire Insurance".
Are you living your life according to the Word of God or a Boutique Gospel finely crafted detailed so that it fits specifically and uniquely into your life without inconveniencing you? Has God called you to kick your porn habits my straight, guy friends who are in a relationship with a nice young lady? Has God called you to pray for your Ex you broke up with years ago, but still holds you in emotional bondage to this day? He is calling you to get right with Him. He is calling you to live a life evidenced by the scripture "YOu will know them by their fruits." Gentleman, put down your penises and your video game controllers, engage the world and be the mighty men of valor that God has called you to be. God is calling you to the word today my friends.
Matthew 7:3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" We must work on ourselves first. If you are already in the process of drowning yourself, what strength will you have to save other drowning victims. Get to the beach, get yourself in shape and head back into the water as a rescuer not someone who simply muddles the equation with your spiritual duality. Christian friends and foes, we are called to be salt and light in today's world. So stop being a jalapeño pepper in the Banana Pudding. If your life doesn't represent the love of Christ to a dying, hurting world, then please stop interacting with them and let those who love Christ and are carrying his cross daily do all the talking.
I disagree with the moniker of "Gay Christian", because it's a life with stipulations and agendas, not one surrendered to the Christ of the bible. But truth be told, if Christ were to put modifiers on our Christian walk, what might they be? Republican Christian, Liberal Christian, Prideful Christian, Lustful Christian, Gossiping Christian, Alcoholic Christian, Non-surrendered Christian, Pseudo Christian or Good time Christian? Christ has called us to live a life without sin, yet when we do get our feet marred by walking in the blackness of sin He grants forgiveness. Forgiveness for the occasional slip up and the long term love affair that many of us have raging on with our vices. The price of Sin is great. And surprise, our "personal and private" sin costs others just as much in the long run.
There it is my friends. My rant is over, but let the concentric circles of its spiritual influence give you cause for pause today. Christ is calling us all to redemption, not just those whose sin you disagree with or those whose sin easily identified and labelled. In reference to Jesus, Acts 4:12 says "Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved." All those who call on the name of the Lord will be save my friends; from anything and everything that stands in the way of God's complete work in your life.
God's Resume
I try to read the bible every day. It’s something I have done faithfully since January. Daily Scripture reading has made all the difference in my walk with God. Not trying to be super spiritual, but I even read my every Sunday; well most every Sunday.
Yesterday, my roommate’s parents were visiting, so we hung out. We went out for lunch and dinner. I worked a little on my computer. We went to a show and then came home and packed for the Exodus Freedom Conference in California. When the packing was complete, I managed to squeeze in an hour and half catnap, before it was off to MCO to board my plane.
So the plane takes off. I pull my bible out and then it hits me. I FORGOT TO READ YESTERDAY!!! This was troublesome considering that meant doubling up on Old Testament reading. My brain had gone from Stephan Hawking on Sunday to Jessica Simpson on Monday. Reading was tough already, but when Nehemiah started naming and counting the guys who’d been carried away in captivity, my eyes went into manual shutdown mode. I took a break and decided to read it on my connecting flight.
Wouldn’t you know it, God even had a plan for splitting up my readings. Before I read part 2, my mind was ablaze with questions for God. I recently quit my job and have gone into full time ministry. I trust God, but I have never really tested that statement as much as I am these days. God provides for me daily, but I’d like to see the whole budget in front of me instead of little by little. Naturally, I began to question, “God, how are You going to provide?” “God, will You provide?” “When?” “How?” “What?” I think I even wondered where scripture concerning provision might be found, because I really needed to read it. Then I began to read Nehemiah Chapter 9. And my heart began to melt.
As I came across Nehemiah 9:3, conviction flooded my heart. It says “And they stood up in their place and read from the Book of the Law of the Lord their God for one fourth of the day; and for another fourth they confessed and worshipped the Lord their God. I get antsy if I spend 45 minutes combined, let alone half a day. Then it was if God was saying oh and by the way Matthew, let me remind you of My resume.
God’s Resume: A Summation of Nehemiah 9
Stand up and bless the Lord your God. Forever and ever! Blessed be Your Glorious Name. You alone are the Lord. You have made heaven. The earth and everything on it. The Seas and all that is within them. And you preserve them all. You are the Lord God who chose Abram. And brought him out of Ur of the Chaldeans. And gave him the name Abraham. You found his heart faithful before You and made a covenant with him. For You are righteous. You saw the affliction of our father’s in Egypt. And heard their cry by the Red Sea. You showed signs and wonders against Pharaoh. And You divided the sea before them. You led them by day with a cloudy pillar. And by night with a pillar of fire, to give them light on the road which they should travel. You gave them bread from heaven for their hunger. And brought them water out of the rock for their thirst. And told them to go in to possess the land which You had sworn to give them. But You are God, Ready to Pardon, Gracious and merciful, Slow to anger, Abundant in kindness and did not forsake them. You also gave Your good spirit to instruct them. And did not withhold your manna from their mouth. And gave them water for their thirst. Forty years You sustained them in the wilderness. They lacked nothing. Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell. And they took strong cities and a rich land and possessed houses full of all goods, cisterns already dug, vineyards, olive groves, and fruit trees in abundance. For You are God, gracious and merciful.
After all that, scripture says this of the Israelites, “Nevertheless they were disobedient.”
Father, thank you for answering my prayer and squashing my doubts, with a loving response. And Father thank you that the response was found in scripture. Lord, I will not doubt your provision. I pray that someone else needed to hear this today. God I pray that you guard our hearts against disobedience. Open our eyes to what you have prepared for us today. We praise you God for the love that goes into each situation you allow in our lives. All I can say is Thank you Father. You are merciful.
The Rant
Over the past couple of years, God’s plan for me has been “rapid fire change”. I see evidence of the amazing work He’s doing in my life. A pastor friend told me this week that we spend most of our Christian walk “becoming” and we never fully arrive. I shouldn’t say I am surprised at all that God has done in my life over the past few months, but I am. God reminds me in my prayer not to doubt Him. I’m working on that. Take for instance the following ADHD rant I scribbled on two pieces of copy paper about a year and half ago. I was right in the middle of feeling like God had parked me in an eternal holding pattern on the far edge of my destiny. The rant was equal parts prayer and pity party. Writing has always been the best way to bleed off the pressure building up inside my head. It helps me see for myself and show others that I have those days when I doubt God, but my goal is to move beyond frustration into revelation. Dear God, “What do you want from me? Why do I still have a separation between you and I? I feel it. It’s a sliver. But it’s there! So simple. So subtle. But I’m to the point where I can sense even the smallest separation between you and I. Why am I not in ministry yet? Is it the money? Is it my disobedience? Fear? Why have You been walking me through so much conflict lately? Why have I failed? Have I failed? Where have I failed? Where do I continuously miss it? Is my house (program) past its prime? Am I to fulfill my real dream? My dream you gave me in France. Take my life and make it your own. I am so tired of what the world has to offer. I long to be your mouthpiece again! I’m so passionate yet so afraid of failing Big or being thought of as talentless. More than anything I long to be a man like other men. I long to speak with my voice, my true voice. I long to hear your plan for me. I long to step out without fear, without fear, without fear! I want to be a man of God. I want to see myself as the man you created me to be. I want to be a minister. Help me God, but know I have fear! I am as sick of fear as you are of sin. I loathe fear, yet I still find refuge from life in it. I hate my fear. I hate that it makes me disobedient. I hate that it causes me to hide. I am so sad that I am still living out of the mindset of a child. I am a minister of the gospel for the one, true God. I will be attacked, but I will not blame you. I will rejoice in You. I have been chosen. I must keep my head straightforward. I must drive straight. I must see the mission and know the mission! I must be all about the mission. Live it. Sleep it. Breathe it. Fear nothing. Fear is a luxury I can’t afford! How do I defeat fear? How do I move on from here? I want to remain sensitive to your spirit, but I want you to make me into a great warrior. A warrior must go into battle. I want fame! I want You more! If I am destined to a life of anonymity, that I will accept. Fear not! Fear not He commands, Fear not!”
Here are some scriptures that helped me diffuse the long lasting effects the power of the enemy might have over my mind.
"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." -1 Peter 2:9
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” -1 Corinthians 13:11
"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
I love scriptures that refer to God’s righteous right hand, because I always remember that Jesus is seated at the right hand of the father.
What Did He Say?
I overheard a conversation between a guy and girl at Chick-fil-A today. I thought they were classmates, reminiscing about school. The guy facing me and did all the talking. The girl was seated with her back to me. Sometimes entire conversations sound like inherent mumbles from far away, but then one word rises up and is heard for miles. For example, when the guy said, “BOOBS”. Mother’s clasped their hands over children’s ears, old ladies stared and I…I listened more intently. He was describing the perfect woman; in detail. Then I heard the phrase that caused I-4 traffic to screech to a halt. “You know what I’m saying...MOM,” he said.
“MOM?” “Eww!” As my friend Garrett would say, “Well there you go!” Visual confirmation later proved he was indeed talking to his mom. And I had a hard time letting my mom buy me underwear as a kid.
Trying to tune this guy out was like placing a phone call trackside at the Daytona 500. It wasn’t happening. The conversation turned to old, high school friends. One of his friends close friends was acting different. Mr. Loud talker, who talks to his mom about boobs and butts, had a theory. " I’ll take ‘Disturbing Conversations’ for $1000 Alex.”
“He’s a Christian,” the guy said, “He’s just not jokey and fun anymore,”. I am all too familiar with being dissed by friends for being a Christian. Matthew 5:11-12 “11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven..."
When I walked away from homosexuality and renewed my relationship with Jesus, I experienced huge rejection. “Friends” I’d had for years accused me of denying my 'true' feelings or disowned me altogether. At the time I was writing a newsletter to over 200 people and decided to share my revelation. It went over like a fart in a crowded elevator. Yet after 10 years of aimless wandering in the gay community, the God I learned about, as a kid, helped me make sense of my life. I lived most of my life trying to impress boyfriends and please others, but now I was focused on an audience of One.
I took great effort to humbly convey my personal experience. I knew it wasn’t a popular topic, but I had lived as a gay man, a Christian and a gay Christian. I had done my research. The gay community had been my home for ten years. There was acceptance as long as I lived according to the “code”. My gay friends saw Christians as the enemy. I knew some friends would see my turn to ‘religion’ as a betrayal, but I wasn’t living for people any more. I received a letter from an Ex I dated for a year. He said that my letters had lost their humor and that I had given up a vital part of myself. We were as intimate as two people can be. I couldn’t flip a switch and pretend his words didn’t hurt. I believed in what I was doing and Jesus gave me strength to write him back. Even in the midst of being stuck in Oklahoma, confused, angry, sad and beat up by my past, I shared my life joyfully. Jesus’ healing at that point was a simple walk in faith. The true evidence of his redemption in my life would be tangible much later.
Here I am, standing on the edge of another spiritual cliff. God has called me start another chapter and step out in faith. An all out rescue effort to men of the gay community who believe God is calling them to a new life as well. The message of hope and freedom from homosexuality is not welcome in the world today, but it is desperately needed. Most Christians are vilified for speaking out against any sin. Willful sin is both celebrated and encouraged in our modern day Babylon. Jesus Christ has called me to first share the Impact of His life with the world and secondly to share how His life rescued mine. If you’ve wandered across my blog and are struggling in any area of your life, please hear the message of the gospel in these 4, simple, bible passages.
"…the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."- Romans 6:23
"…God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." – Romans 6:23
"…if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that
"for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Romans 10:13
Jesus died so that every person on the planet could have eternal life and forgiveness of sins. He rescued me. I owe Him my life. I lived my life believing that God was mad at me. I realize now, He was never mad. We just had very different ideas of the truth. Turns out He was right, I was wrong. That’s another blog. God is aware of everything you have ever done. He still loves you and desires you like no other.
Scriptures used today were gleaned from the writings on the Roman Road at the following website. http://www.gotquestions.org/Romans-road-salvation.html#ixzz2WJ82FeNs
Landing My Next Big Fish
It’s been less than a month since I said goodbye to Shamu and hello to another ‘Big Fish’. Big Fish Ministries to be exact. Big Fish is the mentoring program I established in 2009. When I walked away from homosexuality 14 years ago, I set aside a year of my life to learn and grow with God. I moved back in with my parents. My days were spent reading the bible, listening to radio preachers and praying for God’s daily revelation. God schooled me on His design and application for my sexuality and restored my relationship with my father. It was a pivotal year in my history.
In 2009, God led me to open up my own home to men seeking to walk away from homosexuality and seek God’s design for their sexuality as I did. In the past 4 years, we have seen great miracles. We’ve had guys accept Christ for the first time. We’ve seen men beaten up by sin and sexuality leave triumphant. Most of all we have seen the move of God that is only evident when men stand in obedience and not defiance to His commands.
Saying goodbye to Sea World after 15 years wasn’t as hard as it might seem. It was a great job, but God was calling me to something better. I see the rising tide of gay activism gaining tsunami strength. While that is great if you identify as a gay, it doesn’t bode well for people who want to follow God’s divine design for their sexuality. Were it not for the testimonies of men and women like myself, men and women who choose to leave homosexuality would surely drown in the flood. I just watched a “public service” announcement where one boy is teaching another boy not to use the word “gay” in a derogatory manner. He pimp slaps the kid across the face, not once, but twice. It was a delicious bit of irony. Apparently it is perfectly acceptable to employ the use of violence against one group in order to protect another group from violence. Kristal Cleer!
Embarking on a journey into the world of ex gay ministry would not been one that I might have chosen for myself. This ministry is about as popular in our modern day culture as Sea World is to PETA. Yet, I know that God has called me here. He redeemed a life that was stolen from me at birth by the curse of sin. Jesus saw every aspect of my life and yours played out as he hung there on that cross at Calvary. Persecution is a staple in the life of a Christian. As I have stepped out in faith over the past few months, the evidence of God’s provision is all around me. I look up at my new ceiling and am reminded of that $25,000 later, we have a new roof and ceilings. I had no budget for a new roof. God funded the entire project. What a perfect plan of God to give me a daily visual of his provision. All I have to do is look up. It’s a constant reminder that He can be trusted, that prayer works and that he sees our need.
There are many opposed to what we do, but the One on our side is the only one that matters. After all, if God is for us, then who can be against us. I fight daily to bring the truth of the word to guys who struggle with same sex attraction. The fruit of my obedience plays out in the lives of people around me, in the church I attend and in the restored relationship with my father. When I walked away from homosexuality, I had to ask myself which fight was more worth fighting: my right to be gay at all costs or the right of every man, ‘gay and loving it’ or ‘gay and debating it’, to choose his own destiny and purpose. I chose the latter, because the truth of Jesus Christ altered the course of my life.