Wake Up or Suffer the Consequences
I was asked by a friend to define my use of the term gay Christian. Calling myself a gay Christian back in the 1990’s was an attempt to reconcile my homosexuality and my Christianity. Calling myself a gay Christian also kept the bible thumpers at bay. I could argue I’d never chosen to be gay, that God had created me that way and that there was nothing anyone could say about it. Back in my youth I knew and acknowledged what the bible said about homosexuality, but didn’t apply it to my life, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reconcile the truth of the bible with my same sex attractions. I tried to live a life based on the verses I heard, understood and that I thought applied to my life. I believed I was born gay, so I thought the scriptures had to be wrong.
The gay Christians of the world today are different. Many of them are living a Christian life centered around their homosexual desires and not centered around Christ. I just read a FB thread about a debate between Christopher Yuan, a Christian leader and Justin Lee, President of the Gay Christian Network, GCN. It was on Justin’s page so many of the posts were pro GCN. The level of deception is astounding. One guy said this, referring to Christopher “…he(Christopher) decided to fall into the same pattern of "these passages condemn homosexuality, i know you have been told that they don't, but they do… “ and “…I wasn't expecting him to whip out an extended clobber passage lecture in the middle of this.” The gentlemen ended by stating that he hopes that their next talk “…will provide more an (of) opportunity to do "bridging" than wall-building.” Gay Christians aren’t really debating scripture any more, they are dismissing the real and applicable to modern day truth of God’s word, because it doesn’t bear witness with the lie they are living. Gay Christianity is not about living in accordance to God’s word or being a gay follower of Jesus.
Gay Christianity is a separate, pagan religion, cleverly disguised and seeded with biblical half-truths, that allows homosexual sin and an aspect of religion to co-exist.
2 Timothy 4:2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.
Taking up one’s cross and daily denying ourself is a truth relegated to the days of Jesus and the Apostles. For no one ever, has Christianity been what the gay Christian agenda has made it today. If the bible had been lived out according to the principles of the gay agenda, Daniel would have never had to endure the lion’s den, the three Hebrew children wouldn’t have been thrown in the fire and Peter wouldn’t have been crucified upside down, because God is a loving god and those things are uncomfortable. All those folks lived life according to biblical truth and ended up going through hell. If gays can misinterpret scripture and build a separate sect of Christianity, then the woman caught in adultery would have been vindicated to say, “Jesus wasn’t really addressing my sin when He said ‘Go and sin no more.’ He was really talking to the crowd who weren't being loving to me, because they were treating me bad.’ “
I have a friend who is a celibate gay Christian. He doesn’t engage in sex, porn or mast. He’s not going to try and walk away from gay anymore, but he will never be straight. In my opinion he is living a sequestered life of asexuality, where God is more of a warden than a savior. Another friend believes that God created him gay. He dates guys and is as monogamous as he can be. There are as many types of gay Christians as there are church denominations. I can’t answer definitively whether someone who calls themself a gay Christian will go to heaven like Alan Chambers stated on Lisa Ling. I can say that the bible says we will know Christ’s followers by the fruit they produce.
One last scripture, when it comes to fellowship with gay Christians. Fellowship with gay Christians isn’t like fellowship with gay men and women that don’t know Christ. As Christians we are to love and guide the lost. When it comes to someone who calls themself a Christian and doesn’t live according to God's will, there are a few scriptural mandates. I personally don’t believe that churches should be having conversations about compromise with the gay Christian community. For one it isn’t biblical and two we are not to compromise the word of God. If we come together to see what we agree on, the bible better be opened and consulted for the duration of the conversation. We are living in the last days and we are the persecuted church. If we stand up for what the bible says about sexual sin, we will be laughed at, mocked, taunted and persecuted. Satan has worked diligently to normalize homosexuality and distance modern day homosexuals from the homosexual offenders of ancient bible days. 1 Corinthians 5:9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”
Scripturally, we are to have two different responses to gay people as opposed to gay Christians. We are not to walk around as if we have it all together and are perfect, but we are supposed to guard our churches and our hearts against false prophets, like Justin Lee and other members of the GCN. His goal is not church integration. He is quoted in his book describing ways to bring about division in the modern day church. That doesn't sound like a plan for compromise. He may represent himself as compassionate and loving, but his motivation and goals are far from pure.
At the end of the day I believe we must lovingly represent the truth to any and all persons living a life of sexual sin. We, as those who know and live the truth, must open up our churches to repentant gay men and women seeking help. We must refuse to compromise scripture, because a compromised gospel is no gospel at all. We must provide a safe refuge for the wounded without letting the wolves disguised as sheep in. We are called to pray for the lost, the deceived and those being led away to slaughter. Men like Justin Lee and Dan Savage are touting a message that ensures the downfall of many in the gay community. It is a message filled with empty hope, mingled with biblical half-truths, but mostly high spirited, compassionate opinion. There has never been a more appropriate time for the church to awaken from their slumber, than now.
The Tenth Leper
I serve as an admin for an online accountability group for men who struggle with same sex attractions. We pray for each other, confess our faults and try our best to live in community. As many of you also know, I have devoted the biggest part of my life to helping young men walk away from homosexuality. (Hold your applause.) I do this, because I have been called by God to minister Jesus to the gay community. I lived a broken, hardcore, sinful, sexual life. Luckily Jesus found me and gave me a chance to keep others from traveling the same road.
The other day I ran across a blog post written by a guy who has also walked from a gay life like I did. It was garnished with a catchy title to grab one’s attention, so I took the bait. That’s when the feeling started. A twisting in my gut, that I couldn’t shake. As I read the last paragraph, the whispers of the enemy had grown strong. “Your ministry is an idol!” “You focus too much on people’s struggles.” “This guy has a bigger audience than you, so he must be right.” Argh!!
The crux of the article was a subtle yet effective attack on those of us who have chosen not only to walk out of homosexuality, but to return and share the redemptive power of Jesus with those still lost in the fray. By the end of the article I had more questions than feel good Jesus moments. I felt the article was misdirected and a little idealistic. He was basically saying that many men who have walked away from the gay community are now spending vast amounts of time in their Christian walk still focused on homosexuality.
The subtle barrage didn’t end there. Among his points that we don’t speak about Jesus enough, he would throw in qualifiers like, “Now I’m not saying that the Lord doesn’t call some people to start ministries or write books…. but I do not think that He calls as many as are currently in pursuit of these things.” As I read this, the words of Revelation 12:11 came to mind. “They overcame by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony…” I believe that the Lord calls all who are healed to share, speak and shout triumphantly how Jesus Christ healing power brought them back from a life of sin and restored their life. Otherwise we are simply a selfish, needy, Christian consumer treating Jesus like a spiritual free clinic. How many times has anyone gone back to thank those people?
I am at a place where I can’t read this young man’s blog any more without a bible in hand and an old priest and a young priest waiting on the porch. I’m kidding. Well…maybe. Anyway. In Luke 17 finds Jesus on his way to Jerusalem. "11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance 13 and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 14 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed."
Here are the verses that clinch it for me. "15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16 He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. 17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” 19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”
Jesus healed me from the debilitating, life altering condition of homosexuality. You’re gonna to have to fuse my lips together before you’ll ever convince me to keep quiet and live a subdued Christian life. I am more of the come back, "Praising god in a loud voice type." Not to be flashy and showy, but because God deserves all the glory, honor and praise I can muster. Jesus didn't just heal me from an illness. He brought me back to life. Will you be one of the nine with the consumer mentality of get what I need and get out? Or will you be the 10th Leper; forever indebted to Jesus for restoring you back to life? It’s all about Jesus my friends!
Mistaken Identity
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I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our morning “Big Fish” devotions. Scripture serves as a guiding light for me as I minister to the gay community. This past week I read a story about a woman with a crippling spirit. She was listening to Jesus in a synagogue. The woman’s ailment reminded me of my struggle with homosexuality from childhood to my late 20’s. The bible said the woman “had been crippled by a spirit for 18 years.” She was a woman who was crippled by a spirit, not a crippled woman. Her identity was rooted in her gender, not in her infirmity.
So many aspects of the woman’s story mirrored mine. As I struggled with homosexuality I began taking on a gay identity. When I began the process of walking away from homosexuality, my mentor challenged me to change my thought process. Don’t call yourself a gay man and label yourself according to your ailment, because then “gay” becomes your identity. Call yourself a Christian with homosexual struggles. Your identity as a Christian then moves to the foreground and the ailment is a sinful condition that affects you, but doesn’t define you. The process of separating myself from a gay identity had begun. I was not a gay man any more than the lady in the bible was a crippled woman.
Here is the full scripture passage, Luke 13:11-13 11 “and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. 12 When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” 13Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.
Here is what God revealed to me as I read.
1) Jesus saw the woman’s need, 2) Jesus had compassion on her, 3) Jesus was willing to heal her, 4) Jesus called her forward.
Jesus then put the healing in her hands. Everyone around her knew that she was crippled. They could see the evidence of it. She had to recognize that she was crippled and in need of Jesus’ help as well. What happened? The woman stepped forward when Jesus called her.
What went on here? She had to recognize that there was something wrong with her. She had to get beyond her shame. She had been tormented for a long time. She could have given up, accepted her fate and identified herself as a crippled woman the same way many identify themselves as gay or gay Christians. But…her handicap was evident and debilitating. She still had a choice of what to do. She chose to step forward. She chose to place her life in Jesus’ hands. She believed in Him or she had simply been ravaged by her infirmity far too long.
After Jesus laid hands on her, the bible says, “…immediately she straightened up and praised God.” She praised God for her healing, not for her infirmity. This stands in stark contrast to the belief of some gay Christians that homosexuality is a gift from God. They, unlike the woman, praise God for their infirmity, and don’t ask or even consider pursuing Jesus healing power for their broken sexuality.
Can you imagine if Jesus had called her forward and she said something like this; “Why should I come forward? There is nothing wrong with me. I’ve been this way for 18 years. Why didn’t you take this away long before now? God did this to me. I was “born this way”. I can’t change. This is who I am. This is my identity. I’ve been this way for far too long. I AM FINE! How dare you insult a crippled woman. “ I remember saying some of those same things to God and many Christians when they identified the sin of homosexuality in my life. In many ways I thought I had brought it on myself. I reasoned that God had made me that way, after prayers to remove the feelings went seemingly unanswered.
Years later when my heart and my mind were exhausted and ravaged by gay relationships and many years in the gay community, Jesus would call to me once again. This time I would step forward from the crowd, not caring what any of them had to say and humble myself, then collapse in His waiting arms.
I find it encouraging that the woman crippled by a spirit hadn’t given up on God. After 18 years we still find her in the synagogue. Where will Christ find you if he calls your name? Have you given up on freedom from homosexuality? Has someone cheated you out of your own shot at freedom, because it didn’t work for them? Have you removed yourself from the presence of God altogether? Gay Christianity is a demonic diversion cooked up by the enemy to keep us from continuing on our journey to true freedom in Jesus. Jesus, like the prodigal’s father is awaiting your arrival my friend. Ask God to give you a clear picture of the sin that you can’t or refuse to see in your life. Be honest with yourself when he reveals the truth.
Proverbs 4:18 The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. 19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.
Suicidal Thoughts
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My introduction to the concept of suicide happened as early as six years old. My mom had locked herself in her room in a fit of deep depression and anger and was threatening to kill herself with my father’s shotgun. I remember sitting in the darkened hallway of my childhood home, crouching against her door in an effort to be close to my mom. That day stood as a beacon of torment in my life for decades. I was crying, begging, pleading with her to stop. She was screaming and crying from the other side of the door as well. Time has thankfully blurred the torturous commentary from my recollection. What I do remember is wondering where my father was that day. Maybe he had experienced this before, but this was my initiation into the world of my mom’s bipolar disorder; and it would affect the rest of my life. Though my mother’s mood swings would never again reach the previous all time low, my life was irrevocably caught in the wake of her mental illness.
Many years later my own thoughts would turn to suicide, but I was already conditioned to being the good son, the straight ‘A’ kid, the boy who always followed the rules. In other words, I scared to do the wrong thing and suicide was extremely wrong in my head. So when I felt myself approaching the point of checking out, there was some part of my psyche that screamed “NO!!!” Though I wasn’t allowed to commit suicide, no one had ever said I couldn’t write about it.
At the age of 19 I authored the following poem, with years of mental, physical and verbal abuse from my mother and my personal struggle with homosexuality as my inspiration.
Death is the Answer 6-2-91
To allow the soul to go on in so much pain is an undoing of the mind.
One quick snap is all that would solve the equation of life and death.
Over and over it turns in one’s mind
What will be added to your side of the equation next?
One side is not like the other
problems + distress + loneliness should be equal to the exactly the same.
But one quick snap could equal them all to a solution.
Click.
Try again another day
Should a person in a cataclysmic mindset be allowed to roam the earth unheard?
It is necessary that they be heard and helped
Lifted up and healed
So much pain dwells in a soul
held captive by a mind and a body
Set the soul free to roam
find its own answers.
One quick snap is all it would take
Click.
Click.
Oh…FREEDOM!
The frequency of hurt and pain of my twenties would lend further inspiration to one other poem about suicide. Then life would stabilize a bit, as I left home behind and my mother’s influence.
Within the past few years, suicidal thoughts made a resurgence in my life. They were offered up by satan as an alternative to the hurt and pain that had once again kicked up in my life, because of ministry failures and hurts. I haven’t shared this publicly, but I promised God this would be a blog about my messy Christian life and not a verbal diatribe about “how you too can achieve perfection” like me. What you are about to read is my uncensored heart.
A few years ago, I was unhappy with my job, the ministry was in the garbage and my feelings of inadequacy were skyrocketing. Quite frankly, I hurt more than I breathed. I would have all night Netflix movie parties and lose myself in a fantasy world of Hollywood’s perfect life. I remember how deceptively elegant and crafty, the thoughts of the enemy were during that time. I was bombarded with the thoughts that I should keep my struggle to myself at all costs. “You are the leader of a ministry and you want people to respect you and not think your crazy.” Thoughts like, “You are a man and you’re supposed to be independent and strong.” “You have to do this on your own to prove that you can.” Sound familiar?
Satan used those thoughts to keep me separated from people that could have helped. Perhaps the most disturbing thoughts of all were the ones that came next. “Wouldn’t it be better if you were somewhere else right now?” Simple enough. But he wasn’t leading me to believe I needed a vacation in Hawaii. He was laying the foundation for suicide in my life. Other thoughts eventually came along. “It will be easier if you are somewhere else. Is this all really worth it any way? You are in so much pain.” What scares me the most looking back on that time in my life is that he never mentioned death, or killing myself. The thoughts were comforting and loving in nature, as if whoever was planting them in my head, had my best interest at heart. I can honestly say it was if he was spinning the thoughts into romantic notions of death.
I wasn’t a fallen, backslidden Christian. I was attending church every Sunday and leading others into the presence of God. I was a professing Christian, but I was tormented with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy us my friends. He is out to separate us from loved ones and end our life ever so eloquently. Satan never came to me with horns and a pitchfork. He came just as the bible describes him, an Angel of Light.
This week we remember those whose lives were ripped away before they could be fully lived. I would also like to encourage anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide, to talk about it with a trusted friend. The enemy may be whispering to you that no one cares, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is at least one person who gave His life, so that we would have the chance to live ours to the fullest. His name is Jesus. Your life was created on purpose for a purpose. You may not have found that purpose yet, but let me encourage you as someone who was courted by death. Life may be difficult right now, but if today is the worst day you have ever had, tomorrow has the potential to be a wee bit better. Hold on. Reach out. Live life. Jesus has come so that we have life and life more abundantly.
One Day in Prison
I want to share a brief story of a guy who changed my mind about something. My new friend has been living out the past several years in prison. Before I ever met him, I was the guy hired to share my story of freedom from homosexuality with a group of inmates. There was more fear and trepidation in my heart than when I heard that Oprah was starting her own network, but I pressed through. As we walked through the Jurassic Park style fences, the heaviness of that place began to complement my fears. My excitement began to slowly triumph every other emotion. I was led to believe that myself and a two others would sharing our stories, briefly. My talk would amount to 20 minutes, then we’d spend the rest of the day fellowshipping. I was handed a flyer for a conference. My name was at the top. Unbeknownst to me, I was pretty much, the entire conference. Instead of the normal 20 minutes most churches begrudgingly give, I’d been given two and a half hours. Anxiety replaced everything else. What was I supposed to talk about for almost three hours?
Every passing interaction piled a bit more humility onto my plate. Any amount of pride, contrite “brokenness” and entitlement I’d felt as the guest speaker faded. The inmates wanted to share their testimonies with me. “With me?,” I thought. “Who am I?” I was also asked to proofread a testimony from the guy I mentioned above. “Was I anyone to judge the life of a man I’d never met, based on the premise I’d somehow ‘arrived’?”
The first amazing moment was hearing the testimony of an inmate who had never shared his story before. He spoke only Spanish, but it was his desire to share his story with me. He shared his own words in his native language as an interpreter revealed their meaning to me. What an amazing gesture of intimacy and trust between two men. Once again I asked, “Who am I?” What an honor to hear their stories. I’ve encountered “free” men who have committed horrendous offenses, but hadn’t been caught like the men before me. In some ways the inmates were better off. Having been caught and punished for their offenses, most had repented of their sins. They’d been granted a fresh start. The men on the outside, though not captive behind physical bars, are destined to spend life bound in an emotional prison by their repetitive and unrepentant sin.
There I was in the midst of men, chronologically aged, but mentally the equivalent of a 7th grade soccer team; each one still searching for some level of acceptance and affirmation from a father. Then my anonymous friend took the stage, dressed in blue scrubs, looking more like a doctor prepped for surgery than a prisoner of the state. He shared his story. I witnessed the triumph and anguish of the soul I had “edited”. Throughout the conference he scurried about, working to ensure we had everything we needed. This man had worked 8 times harder to put on this conference than I had. He was building and investing in his “hometown”. I was the out-of-towner who would swoop in, do the least amount of work and get all the accolades once the lights had faded. I was only in the clouds for a moment. God allowed the whole experience to humble me yet again. He gave me one simple, contemplative thought that would haunt me for weeks. “You often wear your testimony as an emblem of pride and accomplishment, prostituting yourself out to the crowd in return for their cheers. You portray yourself as a modern day hero, but it is only through the heroic efforts of Jesus Christ that you are even still alive to gloat. Yet, my unnamed and unheralded prison disciple, wakes each morning, bows his knee and thanks Me through his tears for prison walls that brought an end to the sin that held him fast and a beginning to a life of Godly surrender and true freedom.”
I left the prison that day forever changed. There is nothing I could ever do to earn God’s grace. The humbling I received was not about the lack of work I was doing on a daily basis. It was about the lack of gratitude I had for the Person who had done all the work for my salvation. I realized that my new path consisted of two choices: to live selfishly or to live gratefully. I am not privileged with the choice as an American. I am freely given and encouraged to choose gratitude as a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Father God, help us this day to live gratefully in Your presence. To lead lives not governed by our sexuality or our “rights” as Americans, but governed by the authority of Your word and Your grace. Jesus, Your name is the power to set people free from cluttered minds, random addictions and the darkness of sin. Thank You for setting me free from a life that held me fast way too long and for not writing me off for my choice to sustain a life of sexual brokenness for so long. Father, I ask for deliverance for the gay community, the leaders, the followers and the trapped. I know how real it can feel. Redeem and rescue your sons and daughters in the gay world today Lord. Let the gifts that you have created in men and women be used to bring people to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Brother in the Trenches
HEY!!!! Just so that you know that I am not just a guy that gives advice about growth and stretching to you guys. There is a small Baptist church in my neighborhood. It is not my home church. I made friends with the pastor and he has a vision for our neighborhood. I wanted to connect with him as well, because I wanted a place where we could start a local "Exodus Style" Ministry for men in Orlando. I reached out to Pastor Grant and he suggested I show up to a men's breakfast and share my story and our house ministry with some of the men in the church. Now, after I changed my shorts and stopped freaking out, I said Yes. This is a small church in an older neighborhood. I envisioned all the men of the church being old, set in their ways and ready to ask questions like, "SO you used ta be Queer son?"
I wasn't trying to judge them, but I was a little scared. I showed up to the breakfast and 80% of the men were older. One of the guys was a huge man of a man. He looked familiar to me, but I was not about to ask where I knew him from. LOL. Pastor Grant then introduced me, praised me and said the words that sparked fear in my heart for a moment: "Matthew, share your story with us..." "GULP!" I knew God had led me there so I stepped out and shared my story and the story of Big Fish. The Big Guy who was sitting across from me never looked up and he never made eye contact. That unnerved me, but I wasn't there for him. I was there to share my story. One of the older and more intimidating guys to me heard my entire story and began to speak. He asked me if we needed an entire church for the guys in the house? If we needed a church service for them? I was meeting with them to ask for the use of one room and this guy was offering me a whole service. WHAT? Wow. The guy next to him began to ask how the church could help. He put us on the prayer list immediately. I shared my story and they asked great questions. Keep in mind I had only met with the pastor until this point. It was my first time meeting the other guys. I was scared, but I trusted God more. God led the leader of the youth group to volunteer his whole youth group to come and help with the landscaping. WHAT? The pastor asked in front of the men, what the church could do to help us out. WHAT?
After this meeting I decided to join the men's group at this local church for a bible study. Keep in mind, it is an old school Baptist church. Not too progressive. More traditional. I am not knocking them, but once again I was not sure how the men would receive me. I attended the bible study. It was so good. I was fearful. Was the pastor just humoring me? Was he going to get me into the church and then not want to talk about my testimony? Nope. Halfway through the bible study, Pastor Grant looks over and says Matthew has a great testimony of what the Lord has done in his life. My "GULP" could be heard for miles. Thank goodness he didn't ask me to share right then, but the awesome God thing is that he is not afraid of my story.
That is my story this week guys of putting myself out there into community and believing that God will protect me. If we open up ourselves and trust God, then He opens up the church to receive our wounded and struggling. What is God challenging you to do this week? What is He telling you to trust Him with? What perceived Hell is He asking you to walk through? And will you be obedient to the call? I am not just a guy who sits behind a computer screen and encourages you to grow. I am a guy who turns off my laptop and runs out on the battlefield with you. Let's fight this fight together brothers. Trusting our God to lead us to places of growth and fields of treasure. Every great thing is worth fighting for. "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." --Psalm 55:22
Get Outta The Boat Heifer!
Is it me, or does the purple Listerine feel more like battery acid than the other flavors? As I swished it around, I did a double take at the label, searching for ingredients I was certain were in there, like “magma” or “diesel fuel”. Two nights ago, after a very enjoyable dinner with friends, my car decided to die momentarily in the parking lot. It was fixed the next day then the AC, which I had fixed a few weeks prior, went out. Did I mention how much my feet hurt as well?
Time to complain? Nope, time to testify about the peace that God has been granting me lately. The night my car broke down, my friend Luis drove Josh and I home. Problem solved. I was more than a little thrown off course, by the engine malfunction. Why? Well, the next day I had three very interconnected, tough to schedule, but very necessary appointments. You know the ones. If you’re a minute late to one, or something goes awry, the whole day could be ruined. I had from 9 pm at night to 9 am the next morning to sweat, stew and dream about how terrible the next day was going to be. I made it home and when I sat down to worry, a sense of peace washed over me instead. I don’t know that I have ever felt that before. I questioned this soothing, but unfamiliar feeling. There was one other attack that threatened my sanity that evening, yet I couldn’t forget the peace that God has used to cloak my heart.
Our dinner conversation with friends and the next day’s appointments were God ordained moments. The enemy did his best to derail ‘The Mercy Express’. satan launched his attack as soon as he could. God had begun the peace process way before then. Turns out that the repair on my car was covered under warranty. The Listerine just needed a good “shaken not stirred” action and the other two appointments worked out better after the car issue.
Every time I have begun to let doubt creep in, the Holy Spirit has been right there with a scripture. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”-- Psalm 37:25. I read this a few weeks ago. Waterfall in the Wilderness Moment! Then today, quite “randomly” I was taking part in the filming of a new Bible DVD series and the guy on stage quotes Psalm 37:25. That peaceful feeling came again, but this time it was accompanied by something else. It was the feeling of knowing and believing that the verse was absolutely and undeniably true. I can’t explain it, but I felt the belief take hold of me like a physical manifestation of truth programmed into every cell of my body.
God is so faithful, even when I rekindle my past. I have been here before: doubt, despair and fear of failure. When I walked away from 15 years of history as a Sea World animal trainer, it was much the same as walking away from 20+ years as a gay man. Both were places of comfort and familiarity. Both met certain needs I had. I had outgrown them both as well. When I stepped away from both I was that “wobbly toddler” taking those first bumbling steps away from stability and towards the unknown.
Peter didn’t just dip his foot in and yell “HEY JESUS! Look at me!” Peter asked “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” (Jesus) said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. “ To do great things my brothers, you gotta get off your lazy butt and step out of the boat. Turn off the TV, quit downloading porn, stop being afraid to fail, begin trusting God and do something with the life that He has so graciously loaned you. Peter's faith started with a desire and culminated in a conversation with Jesus. What is the desire of your heart little brothers? Start your long overdue conversation with Jesus today. Keep your heart and your ears open for His response.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord...
Father's Day Testimony
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A while back I was asked to share a snippet of why I am grateful for my father for the Father's Day message at our church. I asked my pastor if I could share my story with emphasis on my testimony. My pastor said Yes. I asked, "Do you think the church is ready for it?" He said "Yes." I love my church. I love our leadership. I love the people. Praise God that there are still churches where the leaders read and submit their lives to the word of God. Even as the rest of the religious world slips daily into a deadly romance with worldly beliefs.
Gospel of the Influentials
As I hung up the phone, I got that familiar sinking feeling in my gut. The young man on the other end of the line had shared his homosexual struggle and the desire to simply embrace those desires and “be happy”. He was calling to, in his words “pick my brain”. Recent news concerning gay marriage, the closing of Exodus, confusing rhetoric on being gay and Christian and the pope’s confusing declaration concerning the gay community and gay priests had generated much confusion.
As the gay community celebrates victory after victory, those of us who walked away from homosexuality are not only under fire by gay right’s advocates, but are also caught in the crosshairs of the church as well. Post conversation with this kid I was awash with frustration yet a sense of peace. These perceived victories have sent shockwaves through what was already an unstable community of believers. Believers trapped in a “Bermuda Triangle” of their unwanted same sex attractions, their love of Jesus and a world that has discarded the truth of God’s words in favor of following The Gospel According to the Influentials; men and women of power and charisma using their influence to coerce the church into reconsidering it’s biblical stance on homosexuality.
Paul writes about a perverted gospel in Galatians 1:6-8. 6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!”
Paul was addressing the Galatians act of switching from a faith-based walk to one based on works. Yet this passage parallels the modern day war being waged against biblical truth by the gay agenda. The scriptures “turning to a different gospel”, “some people are throwing you into confusion” and “trying to pervert the gospel” are reminiscent of the tactics being used against churches and Christians who stand up for biblical truth about homosexuality.
Paul goes on to say in verse 8 that “even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!” This was so important that Paul restated his point in verse 9. Paul knew that satan would come against God’s truth in an effort to pervert the gospel. I shared this same concept with my young friend concerning his sexual struggle. We must live according to the truth of God’s word concerning our same sex attractions and not the emotionally based, spiritual-esque opinions of influential “political” leaders.
No doubt the pope is a very influential person, but he’s still a click or two below the angels. Paul says that if “anyone” preaches a different gospel other than the one that has been preached, that there are consequences for that deception. In regards to the church and homosexuality my friends, I represent to you that a different gospel is being preached. Confusion is run amuck in the minds of young men stuck between gay and Christian; a false gospel is being preached by some very influential HUMANS.
I also shared my perspective with my friend on being gay and “Christian”. Jesus says this in Luke 9:23, “Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’ ” Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Jesus Christ is not one aspect of our lives. If we are Christians, Jesus Christ is Lord of our life. He won’t share His our heart with the sin in our lives. It doesn’t matter whom the next influential person to stand up and share their opinion is. As Christians we must measure everything against the absolute truth of the Bible. Any word contrary to scripture is to be ignored, not exalted.
There has been no greater time in the history of the church that the following scripture has resonated with truth and clarity as now. 2 Timothy 4:3 “For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” We are living in a time, where man’s desires and worldly opinion are being given greater deference from the “Christian” pulpit than the Word of God.
I share these truths as a man who: surrendered his sexuality to God and whose heart beats with compassion for those trapped by their same sex attractions. I adhere to 1 Corinthians 6:10, which says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
For the "gay kids" out there struggling to resolve the conflict of your sexuality and your Christianity, there is hope for freedom. 1 Corinthians 6:8-11 “…Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men…will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Jesus Christ mercifully delivered me out of a life He never chose for me, but through the deception of the enemy, I chose for myself. I still believe that we “…can do all things through Christ who strengthens…” us. That includes living a life controlled by Jesus and not by our same sex attractions.
Living in the Flames
A moment of humility. It is never my intention to set myself up as a god to anyone. I need Jesus every morning more than ever. I still get offended and fall prey to my anger and brokenness. Jesus Christ is the end all be all for all of our lives. My mission in life is not to fix broken people, but to instead lead them to Jesus, using the road map of my own emotional scars. The other day, two of my friends who struggle with SSA, were struggling with visuals of the male physique, at the gym locker room. After hearing their stories, God woke me up the next morning with some visual analogies of the struggle. God showed me the Temple and The Holy of Holies (HH) and He transposed it with a locker room. The HH was a place where "man" came face to face with God. Locker rooms are places where as active SSA strugglers we come face to face with our earthly 'gods'. The HH was a place where "man" came 'face to face' with God in order to receive redemption for his sins. God restored man into rightness, because of His Holiness and power to do so. In the locker room we are looking for that same sense of redemption and connection with a god of our choosing. We are looking to bring balance to a life out of balance. Our history shows our great need for God and our consistent effort to find 'Him' elsewhere. That same day I got the visual of the devil and Enoch. I don't know why I didn't think of Jesus, but anyway stick with me. Probably because the life of Enoch is shrouded in mystery and has always fascinated me. So here we have the most evil being that ever lived and a man from the Old Testament who was so righteous that it is said of him, 'Enoch walked with God; then he was gone because God took him'. Genesis 5:24. Polar opposites! I began to wonder at what point on the line between the two that I fell? Imagine living a life like that of Enoch. What does it look like to truly "walk with God"? Walking with God might mean there are places He would never lead us or choose for us to go. In all honesty brothers, we have to come to the realization that we will never be strong enough to go some places or watch certain movies. That we may always struggle with the sight of a naked male physique. That we are weak and prone to lapses in judgment, because of our eyes and our evil hearts. I pose this question to all strugglers seeking a life of freedom in Jesus. 'Are you being honest with yourself about what you can handle?' Should you shower at home after a workout? Should you watch Christian movie reviews before going out? I believe it's better to have a heart and mind that's a little sheltered than a heart God has to continually "do surgery" on, because we keep exposing ourselves to visual garbage. Just some thoughts. I'm so not telling any of you what to do. Think about this- Are you nullifying people's prayers by the life your leading? Or do their prayers simply enhance your sold out life for Jesus Christ? If your hand offends you cut it off. If your eye offends you pluck it out. We can't continue to eat at the trough with the pigs my friends. It's time to give up and return home. Daddy's waiting with arms wide open, ready with a new life custom built just for you.
He Chose Me
2:32 am- I can't sleep. I just wrote to my cousin in Oklahoma. He is much younger than me. We tried to connect once when I was home, but he is gay and I am ex gay and he tells me I treated him like a project in our short interaction. I have since apologized, but we don't exchange Christmas cards yearly. I felt like I was supposed to share my day with him. It was a great day in ministry for me. Skype guy in Alabama: Cry, Pray, Encourage. Skype guy in Kazakhstan:Learn Russian, Pray, Encourage, Rebuke, Love on him. Received a call from a girl I know about a guy friend who is gay and was severely beaten by his boyfriend in a drunken rage. It was severe enough that the guy moved out, closed down his facebook and is searching for God, spirituality or answers now. I received a call to pray about this guy. We'll call him Drew. She didn't call me praising God that maybe through this trauma Drew will turn straight. She called me hoping that Drew will now turn to Jesus. She called me to pray. And pray I did. While we do believe that there is freedom from homosexuality, our prayer and ministry focus isn't "Get 'em Straight!" It's "Get 'em Jesus!". My second call of the day was from a dad who needed some advice about how to handle his son's homosexuality, porn use and lies. The dad had cooked up some pretty dire consequences for the boy if the bad decisions and behavior continue. I talked him down off a ledge and simply encouraged him to love his son in the midst of a situation that the dad doesn't understand. I encouraged him to take the extreme consequences off the table and instead put forgiveness back on it and a little tough love. Whether the kid is gay or straight, porn is not appropriate for anyone at any age. Also hanging out in certain places on the internet where sketchy adults can lurk, whether you are a straight young lady or a gay young man, is not a good idea. At the end of the day, any child under 18 is entrusted to a parent by God. Like it or not kids, the parents are responsible to God for how they instruct and guide you. If you don't like it, McDonalds is hiring and there is a nice apartment for rent next to the liquor store and local hoochie house. As an added bonus, I have another friend visiting from out of town, who I will be watching the sunset with in 3 hours 33 minutes. Once we have witnessed this amazing view that only God could paint, then we will chatting about Jesus and exactly what a surrendered life looks like. I met this kid years ago at an Exodus Conference. I was his small group leader. He started off his introduction by telling me that he didn't like small groups too much. He didn't plan on sharing or talking and that was that. Well the Holy Spirit and I worked our magic and I have had the privilege of pouring into this young man's life for many years now. Praise God!
So that was my day. Better than any dolphin foot push, killer whale waterwork or the applause of the most affirming crowd I have ever experienced. I didn't make one red cent for my work today, but I feel like a millionaire, because God chose me to do this ministry. He chose me to love on gay kids who want out of the gay life and gay kids who don't. He chose me to love on gay couples who have been together 14 years and those who have separated, because they have heard the call of God on their lives. He chose me to share the love of Jesus, where the name of Jesus can't yet be spoken. This is the best life ever. He chose me!
Space Invaders
I was reading in Job 31. One scripture jumped off the page at me. Job 31:7 “If my step has turned from the way, or my heart walked after my eyes...” Which led me to another scripture Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness... How many times have our steps been turned aside by some enticing, "shiny" thing full of earthly "light"? How many times has your heart walked after your eyes? Think about catching that first glimpse of an enticing image. You know the feeling. You're an explorer who just found the boundary between heaven and hell. You wrestle with going further. Suddenly you're infected with a terrible virus that seeps in through your eyes. The pressure in your spirit is palpable as the foreign DNA infiltrates the halls of the temple of the Holy Spirit. What you do next is one of the most difficult tasks set before any man. How you could have prepared your heart before you were ever enticed would have been way easier.
I saw my first porn mags at the age of 6. There were no explanations, no boundaries. Lust and sexploration would impact the rest of my life. I stand before you an adult with adult sensibilities. Boundaries have been set. I possess a knowledge of right and wrong. I declare as Job did. I must make a covenant with my eyes. An agreement; a physical, spiritual, living and active proclamation to my DNA, that all "foreign" bodies will be eradicated upon sight. Gentleman, every morning we must wake with a purpose and a plan in our sights. satan has memorized our routines, waits for our boredom and then he pounces like a Christmas shopper on a Tickle Me Elmo. Put some scripture in your field of view, before the enemy puts Howie the Hottie in your viewfinder.
What is it that binds you and holds you fast? A website? An app? TV? Internet? It may seem silly to follow the letter of God's word and cut off your hand if it offends you or pluck out your eyes if they offend you. But let's be creative. If your app offends you delete them. Have a friend change the passcode on your phone. If your TV tempts you, serve it an eviction notice. The enemy of our souls is real. He doesn't simply work through porn sites any more. He now works with a more palatable medium. What is your poisoned laced candy bar of choice: a cute friend of a friend's risky photo on Facebook, a lovable, smart, gay character on your favorite show or a storyline you’ve been following for years that has slowly been leading you astray? I say most of this as a brother, none of this as your mother, but all of it to clear the way to your Father.
M.