Little Rainbow That Could
Do you ever feel completely lost in the world? Like some outside source has pressed pause on your life, as the rest of the world races about. I am in a Starbucks in Toronto. From Toronto to Orlando, it appears that Rainbow flag manufacturers have been working overtime. This part of Toronto is steeped in gay culture. While some folks are completely at home in such a place, I'm a little apprehensive and to be honest, a little hopeless. There are Canadian, rainbow flags, bank advertisements, businesses and even governmental organizations all proclaiming alliance with the gay community by the simple juxtaposition of their logos with rainbow flags. One ATM stop sported a rainbow bulls-eye painted on the sidewalk and bank building. In order to get cash you had to stand in the center of the rainbow. I thought, how prophetic, every human stands in the epicenter of rainbow-ic influence. It is all around us.
Almost overnight, LGBT influence grew exponentially, after the mass shooting in Orlando. The message of freedom from homosexuality that I preach, was shunned before, but most politely disagreed. Now any word spoken in opposition to the LGBTQ ideology stands a good chance of facing outright, religious persecution. When banks and businesses invest in promoting the gay agenda, they have power to negatively impact the lives of anyone who has an unfavorable opinion of the proliferation of gay influence. Can you imagine the power or the persecution if a bank or business tried to use it’s influence to proclaim the name of Jesus?
What might have initially started out as a push for equal rights has now festered into an all out push for influence, dominance, and ultimately power in the marketplace. Those influencing public opinion from gay circles aren't out to equalize culture. They are out to become the dominate voice in all rhetoric regarding sex, sexuality and religion, stifling all dissenting opinions by whatever means necessary.
Toronto has been eye opening. Yesterday in one part of the city there was a Jesus-fest and in another, people celebrating gay Pride. Interestingly enough, a group of influential people in the city tried to stop the Jesus event, but many petitioned and Jesus won. Imagine the backlash if Christian leaders had attempted to squelch the Pride event?
We are facing a time, not only in our country, but in the world where Christians need to be doing two things simultaneously. We need to be on our knees in prayer for the lost, not just for those in the gay community, but the lost in general. We must also continue to speak the name of Jesus and share our testimonies, despite the persecution. Hebrews 13:6 says "...so that I may say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not fear what man can do to me." Every human needs Jesus. Not allah. Not Buddha. Not Love, Light and positive energy, for goodness sakes that sounds like a description for a new Microwave, anyway. Just Jesus. If we, as Christians presented a more approachable demeanor, maybe the lost would leave their false gods and flock to the voice of the One True God.
Not so many years ago, it was Christians proclaiming their faith in the public sector, while gay men and women celebrated quietly and cautiously in silence. I should know. I was one of those men, scared and afraid of Christians and suffering in silence. Now, many Christians share their faith with great trepidation, as the world proclaims allegiance and alliance with the LGBT gods. No person should cower in fear from another. Neither should the gay community call the stifling of Christian beliefs, tolerance, when their actions are more indicative of a dictatorship.
Christians must bring Jesus to the world in an effective way. The bible says that an effective, fervent prayer will accomplish much. It’s presumptuous to expect the world to come find Jesus where we are. Some of them have been to our churches and for whatever reason have left. Those who haven't been to our churches base their opinions off conversations with unsatisfied, church customers.
Whatever the case, someone has got to swallow their pride and reach over the burgeoning wall that's been under construction for decades. They may steeped in Pride, but we are seasoned with the Holy Spirit. Greater is He is that is in us people, than he that is in the world. Remember? The word calls us to leave the 99 and search for the one. Jesus says, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel.” He never said, fight to prove you are right.
I think of the scripture in Ephesians 6:12 that says "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Satan is the enemy. Humans are affected by the spiritual influences whether they believe in it or not. We believe, so we know how to fight for the lost, even as they hate and disagree with us. They are still beloved by God and so talented and gifted by God.
Even though I feel deep love and pity for my gay friends, I am troubled to see Orlando synonymous with the rainbow flag. It is a Godly symbol that has been hijacked by the gay community and promotes oppression and rebellion, not freedom. My heart aches as a banner of brokenness flies over Orlando. Yet, I am reminded that the hurting and lost need our prayers, not resentment and cold shoulders. My church and others have stepped up to embrace the needs of those affected by the tragedy. A tragedy committed against a community I used to call home. I am grateful that churches are placing value on individual lives. I still have friends in the gay community. I would mourn their loss if they were senselessly taken from this world.
Satan uses every angle to drive a wedge between God and the God’s creation. He uses death and destruction. He occasionally dabbles in emotional manipulation. Ministry to the LGBTQ+ community will look different in Orlando going forward. As a Christian man who walked away from the sin of homosexuality, I am called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. That gospel calls people to repent of their sin, not tolerate it. For sure I will offend with tales of my journey, though not my intention. The gospel is offensive, because it points out our carnal nature and commands us to live better. When Oprah says live better everyone cheers. Let Jesus speak the same words and people start reaching for their stones. Yet, the gospel can be preached with love and compassion more effectively than with anger and vengeance.
I believe that a time of persecution is coming for Christians in America who speak the truth in regards to all sin. If they would begin to speak the truth rather than slink into silence. God is our fortress in times of trouble. The enemy of God seeks to destroy lives and attack anyone who lives according to the gospel of Christ. God does not leave us hopeless and lost. He sent Jesus as the answer to the question of our sin. He also gave us commandments in his word.
“If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land.” -2 Chronicles 7:14
My Heart. Pulse Shooting.
I’m currently in Anchorage, Alaska, 4 hours behind my home city of Orlando. Orlando, a city whose every heartbeat centers around theme parks and attractions. The world vacations here. As the world looks on, tragedy breached our walls. I woke this morning to texts of “Are you okay?” and “Have you heard the news?”. I was transported back to the morning of the Oklahoma City Bombing. I was awakened by a friend to tragic news from my home state. This type of evil is not something you get used to. It is a loss that steals your breath away and freezes your soul to the core. I have been in ministry to the gay and ex-gay community, since I walked away from homosexuality in 1998. After spending 1999 in Oklahoma I moved to Orlando in January of 2000. I fell in love with Orlando. Nothing closes for long. There is something to do every moment of the day. A year after I moved, American lives would change forever as terrorists stole away our national security and momentarily, our confidence to travel by air. I worked for Sea World at the time and on 9/12 there were 400 people in the park. It appeared that evil had won. Orlando was quiet for a few months, as if holding our breath in anticipation of what was next.
Fast forward to these past few days. As I texted one friend after another and found them safe, my heart quieted a bit. The ominous weight of death plagued my heart for days. This senseless, barbaric tragedy happened in my city, to my community. Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Orlando. There are young men and women in their 20’s and 30’s who entered eternity last night. There are family’s deprived of brothers, sisters, uncles, fathers and daughters. Someone’s little girl will never come home again. Unspoken words will never be voiced. That should cause each of us a moment of pause for prayer. Now is the time to mourn for those who lost their lives, minister to the wounded and step alongside families experiencing loss. If we can be the church to the LGBTQ+ community in Orlando, then evil will not triumph and we will be true servants of Jesus.
I have had the privilege of doing life together with a few gay men in Orlando. I have witnessed their God-given gifts at work. I have experienced their talents at theme parks and church services alike. Like it or not, I have given guidance to young men about abusive boyfriends, breakups, divorce and suicidal thoughts. I have hugged and held them when they were hurting and supplied them with furniture, food, time and tears. In short, I have given them my heart. One doesn’t have to agree with another's sexual orientation to share Jesus with a world in pain. My years as a gay man, serve as a reference library as I minister Jesus to the LGBTQ+ community.
How much longer can we be Christians who worship God openly on Sunday, yet hide Him away for the rest of our week? If we can meet a human need and we choose not to do so, the bible calls that sin. You might find yourself asking, "Do I have a ministry?" The answer is yes. If you have a heart and a voice, you are equipped to minister to the victims of this heinous crime. God tells us to go into all the world and preach the gospel. Satan has brought the fight to our city. He has taken loved ones and souls from us, who are dear to God.
20 years ago I could have easily been one of those young people in that club. I grew up in a Christian home. I knew all the right things to say and do. I had also been hurt and wounded by the church and most, every man I encountered. I didn't set out, looking to be sinful. I was looking for a safe place to belong and be valued; to quiet the source of my raging pain. I was running from demons inside my head. The clubs were my safe places. They still are to many men and women in the gay community today.
Christian friends and family. It’s not time to picket and criticize. It is time to pray that Jesus would reach your gay friend or loved one them with the message of eternal life. Find out the name of every club in your city, gay or straight, and commit to pray over them. Google the club addresses, get in your car and commit an act of drive by praying. Some people go clubbing for a night of partying, but for some in the gay community the bar is their church, social club, home away from home and a refuge from the world. Lest we forget how many safe places we retreated to before Jesus finally led us home. Respond with grace. Listen well. Share the truth of the gospel. Pray relentlessly for the lost souls. They may not know what's at stake. We do.
To my gay friends and their families. I am deeply, sorry for your loss. I may have physically left the gay community, but my heart remains for those who are alienated, rejected and wounded. May God bless you and keep you safe. I pray that you will experience the love of Christians around you and that each of you would experience the love of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ loves you. God loves you. If you have been marginalized by the Christian community, I pray that the Holy Spirit would not only comfort you, but draw you to a loving church community. I pray you would experience the true nature of God. I pray against any enemy that would steal, kill and destroy further. That each and every one of the remaining survivors would experience full recovery. I praise God that so many people were able to escape the club safely. May God guide the hand of the doctors working to save lives. May you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit as we begin to heal as a city. I pray all this in the name of Jesus.
Enough Already!
I haven't posted anything in months. My apologies. I still love Jesus. I haven't decided to leave Christianity for the latest self honoring religious trend. In all honesty, I was just kind of mentally exhausted. I walked away from my gay life more than 17 years ago and instead of it getting easier to talk and share what God has done for me, the attacks and rhetoric of the "tolerant" left made it difficult to share. There are so many opinions when it comes to my story of leaving homosexuality behind to follow God's true design for my life, and then there is the simple truth. I wasn't born gay. I thank God for that. I was reminded tonight of a scripture in Psalm 139 that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And that all God's works are wonderful. That goes head to head with what I personally know and have experienced in gay culture and gay circles. My gay life might have been pleasurable and fun for a time, but in the end it was anything, but wonderful. I had the distinct pleasure of praying with a father tonight whose son has been trying to slowly and steadily acclimate them to his gay life. The most amazing thing about this father's journey with his son, was the fact that his love for his son was so evident. The son can't see that homosexuality is not God's design for him, but with the leading of the Holy Spirit, the father sees it clearly. It was my own father's prayers that awakened my soul to the calling of the Holy Spirit. It was my father's constant battle in prayer that led me out of homosexuality and into the arms of Jesus.
I will never believe that myself or anyone was born gay. I will forever believe that God's design for men who have been led down the path to homosexuality were indeed born Artistic, Sensitive and Creative, not gay. So that brings me to the place of mental exhaustion. There are times I forget that the fight is against powers and forces in the spirit realm and not against the people being manipulated by those forces here on earth. No one likes to be called names or bullied or picked on. And the gay community has gone to great lengths to end bullying in many venues, yet they employ those same skills to stifle beliefs that conflict with theirs. A few weeks ago I was verbally berated on our neighborhood Facebook page by a woman I had never met.
We posted our ministry name and our fundraising event on the page. The lady took the time to look up our page and then post lie after lie after lie about Big Fish Ministry. I sheltered the brunt of her rage silently for most of the day and then I shared it with some close friends. The anger my friends felt for me felt good, because they know my story, my heart and they know the attack all too well. We turned our anger into prayers for the woman. Satan is the real enemy we are facing. Not some internet bully.
In high school I faced down a bully that was twice my size and used words as lethal weapons that altered the course of my life for a time. Now the only words that I choose to let alter the course of my life is the Word of God. I have been verbally assaulted and had my character maligned more by men and women of the gay community, because of my testimony than I was ever assaulted when I was gay by straight people. It's always interesting to me that the full initials of the gay community include a Q for "Questioning", but when you question the presence of homosexuality in your life like I did, and decide for God and against gay, the claws and insults come out.
This latest issue about transgender bathroom rights is less about transgender rights and more about altering the course of God's design and will for our gender. Isn't it interesting that the very principles that God laid down in the book of Genesis regarding gender and marriage are the very things under attack today by satan. The gay community is composed of men and women just like the "straight" community. Satan works through people, places and things. The gay community isn't the enemy, but they are being used by the enemy to alter God's design for man.
I find it interesting that the transgender community is more interested in having an entire nation honor their "rights", but show almost no concern for the implications that open restrooms are going to have on children. At the end of the day, it isn't about gay, transgender or individual rights. It's about the selfish nature of the human heart steeped in sin and in need of Jesus. There is the mentality that "I want what I want when I want it and you had better not tell me No. No one tells me No, because I have a right." If you tell me NO, you are a bigot, a hater. You aren't a Christian, because God is love and if you aren't loving me by letting me have everything I want in life then you are wrong.
From having lived as a gay man for most of my life, I know the rampant immaturity of the gay community. It is a vast network of men and women who have been hurt and rejected by the world and in some ways are working daily to make sure that those who have hurt them will never hurt them again. The only problem with that is that "Hurt people, hurt people." As the vast majority of gay men do, I grew up without a meaningful connection with my father. I was blessed in that my father, though distant, was a Christian. He loved me and reached out even when I was full of piss and vinegar toward him. He prayed even when the life I was living gave him no hope.
So as it stands now, I am done being exhausted by the bullies in the gay community. I am a voice for truth and hope for those men and women trapped in their gay lives by the one way, intolerant rhetoric of the gay agenda. God has challenged me to set the captives free and proclaim freedom for those stuck in the prison walls. Alan Chambers may have shuttered Exodus International, but the truth of God will not be silenced by any man regardless of how influential. Change is still possible. Freedom from homosexuality is still possible. God is in the business of changing the hearts and lives of men.
The last time I posted a blog on this topic, I tried to boost it on Facebook. The Facebook powers that be refused to allow me to boost it due to it's graphic nature. I shouldn't be surprised. Facebook is not a Christian based group. Even talking to my friend in North Carolina who shared the truth of the Bathroom Legislation, I found out a truth that the liberal media blocked all of us from hearing. I'm done with the censorship. I'm done with the lies, slander and victimization myself and other "ex-gays" like me receive from groups that cry out "OFFENSE OFFENSE" whenever someone speaks that truth of God's word. If those of us who know the truth refuse to stand up for it, regardless of the backlash, then we can't complain when everything goes to crap.
My name is Matthew Aaron Walker and in December of 1998, I walked away from a gay life with help of Jesus Christ. He has the same legacy for you my friend. Homosexuality is not God's design for your life. There is a way out and His name is Jesus.
Back in the Pool
On the short commute to church, a song came on the radio that I really like. Considering that our local Christian station still plays "hits" from Amy Grant's first LP, it was quite odd. I remember saying "I love this song" out loud and asked my friend to turn it up. He misheard me and never changed the volume, so I tuned everything else out and focused on intently listening to the song. To my surprise the music seemed to grow in volume. Each word fell on my ears with greater clarity than before. When the song ended, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.
He said that getting close to God is like what I had just done trying to hear to my song. It wasn't about asking God to get louder thus drowning out the noise of my life. It is about pressing in to hear God's voice at the level He is currently speaking, while letting the cacophony of life fade away. I sat there dumbfounded. In a split second, God had deposited a thought so simple, yet so profound into my life; press in to God and the cares of this world will fade away.
During church, our pastor's wife, Christine, got up to share an encouraging story. Her story bore the same spiritual DNA as my God encounter in the car. God was trying to teach me something. I asked her to share her story, in writing. Here is what she shared.
"As a Florida girl, a swimming pool and a sunny afternoon were the perfect combination most months out of the year. I loved to swim! I loved the crazy activity of it: diving, cannonballs, Marco Polo with my brother. I could be found with stickers on and baby oil to get a 'tattoo' from the sun on occasion. But what I loved the most was putting on goggles and slipping down to the bottom of the shallow end of the pool, laying there for as long as I could hold my breath. I would release air slowly so I could sink to the bottom and not struggle to stay down. I could see the bright sun differently breaking through the clear water. There were hardly any other noises and in the silence, the view was captivating to me. That kind of 'full immersion' allowed a different viewpoint of the very, same sky I was under day after day.
Just over 3 years ago, we celebrated the birth of our third child, Eli, our bonus baby. He is a blessing unexpected; a gift beyond our wildest dreams. In the weeks following his birth, in the midst of sleepless nights, disconnection from church and friends, and the normal routine of life of connected with God through worship and the Word, a darkness crept into the vacancy and threatened to steal my joy, my song.
The song of my life is the testimony and love letter written on my heart by God himself. It's chorus full of the remembrance of who God is and how real He has been and continues to be in my life. It is the testimony of Him: pursuing me, rescuing me, redeeming me and saving me. It is the power of His presence to change and remold me over and over. To be more like Him, as I yield to His strong and gentle hands. The more time that passed for me, "out of the pool" so to speak, of worship and relationship with God, the harder it was to remember my letter or sing my song. In the quiet of the night during a middle of the night feeding, the Lord whispered to me,
"Get back in the pool"
Slip under the abundant waters of grace, mercy, presence, truth, and power
Sink to the bottom
Breathe out the cares, needs, questions and fears long enough to see and hear Him clearly again
And an amazing thing happened...
I found my song and began to sing it again."
Conversations at the Diner
On our way to our friend Amy's house to celebrate Thanksgiving, we stopped by a diner I have been eyeing for awhile now. My friends eat way healthier than me. Well, except for Ethan. He believes that McDonald's forms the base of the food pyramid. Anyway, I convinced, aka begged, them to stop and have dinner. They relented and we stopped. We are a friendly bunch and can basically talk to anyone about anything. The sign at the front invited us to seat ourselves; so we did. Our first waitress was quickly displaced by a second, feistier one. The new waitress was 3 inches shorter than your average kindergartner. Upon asking what she recommended, her tiny fingers danced about the menu faster than Hillary Clinton can hit the delete button after checking a classified email. The guys decided on a few of her recommendations, but I broke rank, deciding instead to go with liver and onions and green beans. This selection produced a gnarly scowl from our waitresses once smiling face. She placed our orders, returned to the table and the witty banter ensued. At some point, she received a text from a very, needy 16 year-old boy that we were informed was just one of 10 potential suitors.
The laughing and joking subsided a bit when she commented to Ethan that he must have a lot of boyfriends. Say what? We all heard it, laughed nervously and chose to brush it aside, but later on she broached the subject again, this time with all of us. She asked if any of us had boyfriends. I quickly said, I hadn't had a boyfriend for 18 years, since I left homosexuality behind. The scowl returned to her face, this time accompanied by a brow so furrowed it would have stifled even Joyce Meyers' plastic surgeon. She asked Ethan and Samuel if they had left homosexuality, too.
At this point I produced a business card so she could research Big Fish Ministry a bit. Ethan also produced a card for Revelation 12:11, his ministry. She asked about the card. I told her it would take her to my blog. It might help answer the questions her scrunched up face said she might have. She asked a few more questions like: "Have you stopped liking boys?" and "Have you started liking girls yet?" I explained how homosexuality developed in my life and she mumbled something and flitted off, never to return. It wasn't our goal to rock her world, but we had triggered an emotional "earthquake" of epic proportion.
Never being one to let an interaction like this go, I began to analyze and dissect the interaction. Questions ran wild in my mind: "Did we freak her out?", "Why was she more interested in chatting when she thought we were gay?", "Why hasn't the world heard stories like ours?", "What do we need to do in order share our testimonies on broader scope?"
The truth is, testimonies like ours are uncomfortable and odd. Churches steer clear of letting us share for fear of offending people. Heck, even at Donald Miller's Storyline Conference I just attended, a gay pastor was allowed to share his coming out story. When I questioned the conference organizer if the narrative of my story would be welcome, all I received was silence. More often than not, when we try to share our testimonies they are met with resistance. The world has been conditioned to accept and protect sin rather than taught to recognize sin in it's many forms according to scripture.
Knowledgeable, compassionate Christians and devout Christian men and women who have walked away from homosexuality should be establishing the churches dialogue on sex and sexuality. Justin Lee and Matthew Vines, two prominent false prophets of the gay Christian movement, should be called to repent by the Christian church at large, rather than having their twisted versions of the bible accepted into mainstream church culture. Satan is working through these men. The same way that satan comes as an angel of light, these smooth talkers are weaving a web of deception leading many churches into a "reformation" movement that will ultimately destroy and split the church.
As I sat there in those moments after our waitress left, I knew a few things very clearly. The course of my life and that of other men and women who have left homosexuality behind, is not determined by our attractions, past or present. The course of our lives is determined daily by our sacrifice to Jesus Christ. Also the fact that we believe God's word as it relates to homosexual sin. We lead lives as attacked by the gay community as the gay community believes the church attacks them. After 17 years of saying Yes to God and no to my homosexual desires, I can honestly say that my life and times are very different than they were when I took those first few trepidatious steps out of homosexuality and into God's arms.
God spoke a promise over me many years ago. It involved continually having one person after another say they felt like God wanted them to share Isaiah 61:1 with me. “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;” It was written as prophecy about Jesus and I am nowhere near Jesus status when it comes to this life. But, I know that God allowed all my hurts, hangups and struggles in life for such a time as this.
In the process of redeeming my life, God's Holy Spirit is working through me and He has anointed me to bring good news to those trapped in the same sin that held me captive for so many years. God has sent me to heal the brokenhearted with the good news and truth of the gospel to those who are willing to hear and contend with it. God has challenged me to proclaim freedom for those trapped in any kind of sinful pattern. He has given me authority to march into prisons of sexual sin everywhere that satan serves as warden, judge, jury and chief medical officer to release those bound up in the seductive poison of homosexual sin. I will live up to this calling and endure whatever persecution necessary to ensure that men who struggle with homosexuality hear the life giving word of the gospel.
This blog may not be popular with too many, but I choose to live according to my calling. Galatians 1:10 says “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.” Our greatest calling is to dispense grace and truth to those living without Jesus in equal measure. Our directives do not come from the vast, stifling, politically correct, worldly rhetoric of today's sin friendly culture, but from every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. The kind, deceptive pill of love the world serves will only prolong a person's agony until they die and enter eternity without God. If it is presented boldly and compassionately, the gospel is the only tool that will forever change and save the hearts of mankind.
Uncovering the Broken Boy
The world has been talking to me this week. A lot. Tonight I was out watering my blueberry plants, sporting the remnants of an ill conceived, Halloween costume, a tattered Hawaiian shirt, I wasn’t worried what the neighbors think. I make a concerted effort to let them believe that I am the crazy neighbor they shouldn’t mess with. As I stood there, like a deranged, mental asylum escapee, I was mentally rifling through conversations that had taken place over the past two weeks. I shared my story briefly at a small, country church. I had three minutes to cover 44 years. At the mention of homosexuality, all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I was transported back to my childhood church, where I knew better than to share my struggle. I left the church feeling rejected; kinda judged. I also left knowing how so many gay people feel about some churches in our nation today.
Juxtapose that event with a conversation I had with my unchurched, Jewish neighbor, who has a lot of gay friends. They asked about what I had been doing since I left Sea World. I shared everything, They surprised me by their understanding of what I do for ministry. Shouldn’t the understanding and interest have come from the church?
One of the other conversations I was privileged to have was with the first gentleman that ever graced the halls of Big Fish Ministry as a participant back in 2009. Our relationship has been rocky and often riddled with misunderstanding. That changed this week. We agreed to let God lead the conversations from here on out; to love each other better. Gratitude flowed.
I sat down with a 19 year old kid who lost someone close and calls me on occasion to chat, because I am not stranger to death and loss myself. We sat at a coffee shop and chatted. I am seeing huge growth in his life. I am seeing him peer out from behind the curtain of fear to claim the abundant LIFE that our great God has promised him. I am thanking God for letting me be used as a vessel for His love.
I got to chat with a talented artist who has some amazing abilities. He gifted me with some of his creative time to sit and chat. Three of the four conversations I had this week were with straight guys who have never had gay temptations. Yet, when we begin to chat their struggles resonated with mine. The Holy Spirit then pointed out that I don’t have a gay struggle, but simply a human struggle, similar to other guys on the planet. Can I tell you how freeing that is to a guy who felt “bad different” during his young life.
My healing journey with Jesus Christ is the proverbial onion people: layer-by-layer, piece-by-piece. God often reveals truth slowly to me, so that I don’t engage in sin & run away from the man He is shaping me into.
The conversation with the artist revealed a deep inner wound that I don’t think this guy has shared with too many. I asked his permission to share. He said Yes. That day, I felt like the Holy Spirit told me to title our time together was to be called “Uncovering the Broken Boys”. And it was funny, because for the rest of the week, that is exactly what the Holy Spirit did.
If it wasn’t me He was uncovering from the rubble, it was the person across the table from me. God is in the business of rescue missions, but He’s really good at search and recovery as well.
I had two more conversations that were polar opposites. One of the guys I mentor sold his computer, because it was leading him to connect sexually with other guys. The other guy kept making excuses about why he needed his phone or computer. He rationalized about keeping some gay friends while breaking it off with others. With both I offered experiential advice. The difference between the two was this. One guy readily surrendered the “poison” he’d been drinking daily, while the other just kept trying to “change the labels” on the bottles.
I made my best effort to take God into every conversation this week. I was only looking to help or connect, but God had other plans. I started a conversation with a lady at Wal-mart and ended up praying for her. Like Jesus back in the day, this week I was all about my Father’s business. I didn’t used to be that kind of man. I used to search for meaning and value in the arms and lives of the gay men I’d meet. What a redemptive work God has done. The bible says in Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” I found myself in a very different place with these folks. God’s opinion is where I lay my head for rest these days.
My final conversation was with a guy who had no idea who I was, but I knew who he was. He was a guy that had been sexually involved with a guy, while I was actively mentoring that guy. For some reason, God brought him back into my life. When I realized who this guy was, I just wanted to throat punch him, because of the trouble he had caused. I quickly realized though, it wasn’t anger I was feeling, but a mix of emotions. At night’s end, I settled near the corner of “Love him where he’s at and What are you doing God?”
Who are you talking to this week? Where are those conversations leading you? Is God stirring evangelism in your heart? Or is the enemy stirring horny in your loins? Are you tired of struggling with the same old stuff? Are you ready to give up because you feel you are all alone? My conversations led me to Jesus and healing. The bible says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
Let the conversations begin. Let healing flow.
Refuse to spend one more day in the prison of your silence.
Viral Seduction
Acts 20:26-31 26 "Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of any of you. 27 For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. 28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. 29 I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30 Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31 So be on your guard!..." I heard a sermon from a pastor in Nashville. He zigzagged around his topic like a redneck running serpentine trying to outrun alligator. With 10-12 minutes left, he affirmed that his church would now extend membership privileges and marriage rights to LGBT attendees. There was a mixture of silence and applause. The sermon can be summarized in one paragraph: “50 minutes from now I’m going to horribly compromise the word of God, taking this congregation in a direction that honors people, not God. We are no longer going to concern ourselves with obedience to God’s word. Instead, we are going to become an all-inclusive social club led by human emotion and unbridled compassion.” Scripture after scripture comes to mind.
Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
For years, I’ve watched friends and mentors wander from the truth of God’s word when it comes to homosexuality. The ebb and flow takes a toll on my heart. It never gets easier to watch, but I’ve grown to expect the falling away. Facebook often bears witness when another “spiritual Titanic” is sinking. The bible even says that if possible in last days that even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived.
I run a ministry to a small cross section of men in the gay community, who find themselves desiring a life surrendered to God and not governed by their SSA. I can understand where this guy in Nashville is coming from. Yet a ministry of all love and grace and no truth, is a false doctrine that leads people astray. A hyper grace centered focus is one factor that helped capsize the ministry of Exodus International. The Nashville Pastor’s approach to marriage and the LGBT community is steeped in worldly value, but skewed biblical truths. A Facebook friend posted the video with this caption: “Happy to call this man my pastor.” My heart winced. The effort to include a “disenfranchised” few, had instantly discredited my story of Jesus’s transforming power. The posting was from an acquaintance who knew my story, but chose to believe a lie. My heart says that people in that body of believers are being cheated out of what Jesus Christ can do when we surrender our broken sexuality to Him. All it takes is one misinformed, misguided pastor speaking out of the recesses of his heart instead of being submitted to the word of God.
Matthew 15:13-14 13 But He answered and said, “Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.”
Gay “christianity” is not an authentic Christian walk. Matthew 15:8-9 8 "These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. 9 And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.” It is a offshoot of Christianity focused more on the acceptance of homosexual sin and those involved in it, rather than focusing on surrendering one’s whole heart to the will of God. Here are some telling quotes from the Gay Christian Network mission statement.
“Through conferences, speaking events, videos, message boards, and more, we’re TRANSFORMING THE CONVERSATION in the church and working to ‘share Christ’s light and love for all.’ ” (Emphasis is mine.)
1 John 5:3 “In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands… “. Despite repeated attempts by gay advocates to “TRANSFORM THE CONVERSATION” and rewrite scripture, God will never change His conversation on sexually immoral behavior. Scripture says that “love for God, is keeping his commandments”. Loving God even means honoring His commandment to abstain from acting out homosexually, not devising ways to reframe the biblical narrative on homosexuality. James 4:4 claims this “…Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” The truth is, God starting laying the foundations of this conversation long before satan’s Public Relations team began retooling it.
I am reminded of Psalm 119:105 “Your WORD is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” As Christians, we are to be led by God’s word, not man’s opinion. Matthew 22:37 “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart…soul…and mind.’ 39 And…‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” Verse 39 is deceptively used to ‘preach’ the concept that loving someone unconditionally means universal acceptance of their sinful behavior. Christ loves us, but He doesn’t approve of our sinful behavior.
The Gay Christian movement is strong, as are all attacks of the enemy against God’s plans for humanity. I’m reminded that large gatherings of sinful people isn’t something new; it’s been happening for millennia. However, the size of the crowd is not proportionate to the “rightness” of the cause. It simply bears witness with Matthew 7:13- “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”
I believed for 20+ years that I was born gay. For 16 years, I have allowed Jesus Christ to be the driving force behind my beliefs, rather than my broken sexuality. Authentic Christianity doesn’t’ come with a prefix. Promoting gay “christianity” means making room on the pew for alcoholic Christians, gluttonous Christians and straight, unmarried, sexually active Christians. We all struggle with sin, but when sexual immorality is hybridized with our Christian walk, God is not honored. We must surrender our sexual sin to God for His help, instead of submitting it to God, demanding His approval. Jesus is more into transforming lives than opinions. He says in Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”
Alcoholics can get help for addiction. Overweight people have outlets for weight loss. Yet, satan has worked overtime to normalize the sin of homosexuality. Pastors and churches promoting freedom from homosexuality are vilified in the press. Speak the biblical truth about sexual sin or support any organization teaching freedom from homosexuality and you’ll be attacked and brutalized. Any attempts at a balanced, intellectual dialogue are thwarted with cries of “Anti-gay” and “Hate Speech”.
I make the decision daily not to act on my SSA, the same way that unmarried, heterosexual Christians make the decision not to act on their OSA(opposite sex attractions). If the church said it was okay for straight people to act out on their sexual attractions, someone would call foul. So why is the church making allowances when it comes to the LGBT community?
I prayed for many years for God to remove my same sex desires. He never did. That didn’t mean that He didn’t hear me or that He created me gay. It simply meant that God’s plan of how to deal with my SSA didn’t involve a Holy Spirit zap.
God’s perceived indifference to my modern day prayers does not supersede the cacophonous authority of His holy scripture.
If God had zapped me during those late night, bedside prayer sessions, I do not believe I would have known Jesus as intimately as I do. If someone who struggles with SSA is honest about their early life experiences, common developmental patterns for SSA tend to emerge. In some cases, homosexual desires were, indirectly or directly, nurtured by the individual, friends or family. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character”.
I didn’t choose to have SSA. I did choose to make bad decisions because of those feelings. While no one chooses to have same sex attractions, I do believe that men are created Artistic, Sensitive and Creative. The gift of sensitivity can be man’s greatest gifting or the source of his biggest wounding.
I am thankful that the church I grew up in never preached acceptance of homosexual sin. While I believe that the evangelical church should adhere to biblical standards for all forms of sexual immorality, I think churches should welcome the LGBT community. Where else are they going to find relationship with Jesus and freedom from SSA?
Walking away from homosexuality was one of the most difficult journeys I have ever taken. Ultimately, it was the disappointment and heartache of the gay life and the leading of the Holy Spirit that led me to Jesus. The thought of walking away from homosexuality generated many fears. “I’ll have to go through puberty again.” “I’ll have to wake up every day and tell myself ‘I’m not gay’. ” “I didn’t want to date women.” “I can’t trust God. He made me this way. He ignored my cries for help.” “No one has ever left homosexuality. It isn’t possible.” Thank God, none of that was true. I realized too late, that FEAR was a big part of my belief system. I lived my life believing in an angry, semi powerful God. Boy was I wrong!
One of the reasons homosexuality is so hard to walk away from is that it pervades every area of a person’s life. The defining characteristic of homosexuality is not a simple sex act between a same sex couple, but a level of brokenness so intricate that it forces a person to work desperately to restore some sense of normalcy to the chaos. That was my daily existence for 10 years.
At the end of the day, I don’t support the gay life. After having lived it myself, God demonstrated that homosexuality is not God’s best for anyone. As Christians our identity is defined by our Savior, not our sexual brokenness. In Matthew 7:20-21, the bible says that we will know other believers by the fruit they produce. It also says “not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” The will of the Father calls us to abstain from sexual immorality. Every area of our lives is subject to the will of God.
Romans 14:12 woke me up to reality. “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” God was going to hold me personally responsible for how I lived my life and my response to Jesus’ sacrifice for my sin. After living ten years as a gay man and calling myself a gay Christian, I knew I had answered ‘Yes’ to sin and ‘No’ to Jesus Christ.
Contrary to popular belief, Jesus spoke out against all forms of sexual immorality, homosexuality included. The bible never classified homosexuality separately than other forms of sexual immorality. You can credit modern day gay advocates for that. Jesus addressed sexual immorality in general in Matthew 15: 19, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person…”. Sexual immorality, homosexuality included, defiles a person. That is pretty clear.
I wholeheartedly agree that the church hasn’t been kind to the LGBT community. However, over sympathizing as a means of correcting the wrongs of the past fosters a grotesque wave of hyper-sensitivity, where rather than bringing truth and grace simultaneously to the wounded, we bow to their every whim.
In the wrong hands, Love becomes a virus rather than a vaccine.
Why We Do What We Do
Over the past few days, Victoria Osteen’s sermonette has been dancing around in my head. I went to bed thinking about the many ways that humans have tried to mold and shape Jesus into the perfectly coiffed, demure, solemn faced pushover portrayed in the 16x20 frames in the Christian bookstore. Different religions have rendered him powerless; nothing more than a figurehead. Gay Christianity and other religious cults have edited and maligned His words to normalize sin and legitimize their disregard of scriptural truths. Common to many people groups is the belief that God just wants us to be happy. Instead of a daily dose of God’s word and the TRUTH that would set them free, they book a reservation on the crazy train and continue down the wide, easy path denoted by Matthew 7:13. It is a path far from Jesus and a road that leads to destruction. I was one of those Christians, angry at God for the direction my life was headed. I was in debt, angry with my boss, unsuccessful in ministry and just downright unhappy. One day I had a meltdown with God on Interstate 4 in Orlando. “Why are you against me? Why is this stuff happening to me? Why do you hate me so much? Why is my life in turmoil right now? I am doing all the right things. Why is everything so hard right now? GOD! Throw me a bone!” God’s response was very simple and very clear. “Why would I spare you trials in this life? I didn’t spare my own son.” There was a pause in my prayer, the tears began to flow and my heart changed. It was a tough pill to swallow. After all, “Didn’t God want me to be happy?” His response went head to head with the pity party I was throwing for myself. A few minutes later, the Holy Spirit calmed me down and God did some corrective surgery on my twisted beliefs. I had been one of those people who mistakenly believed that after I became a Christian, God’s main priority was to give me a happy, worry free life. In that tear filled, angst ridden car ride, I realized that God wasn’t mad at me and he wasn’t rebuking me. He was realigning the thoughts and beliefs that didn’t line up with scripture. God was teaching me mercy and grace; a much different lesson than what I had bought into. What stuck in my craw about Mrs. Osteen’s speech was that the concept that God just wants us to be happy. Jesus’ experience in the Garden of Gethsemane contradicts her sentiment. Matthew 26:36 “Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, ‘Sit here while I go and pray over there.’ 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, ‘My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.’ 39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, ‘O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.’ “ “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful”. Nothing about Jesus’ journey from Gethsemane to Golgotha could ever be described as ‘happy’. It was a predetermined, purpose driven, God ordained journey into hell. For anyone not familiar with the life of Jesus, God called Him to die as a sacrifice for the sins of the world.
Jesus(Innocent man)+ Alone + Crucifixion + Gruesome death = Redemption of Man
Happiness was never a factor in the equation. God was more concerned with Jesus’ obedience. If God’s main concern was our happiness, then Jesus would have been spared the torment of the cross. The preservation of His happiness would have left you and I at the mercy of our sins. In my life, what made me happy for so many years was living a gay life. Living a gay life is contradictory to a life surrendered to the principles of scripture. So often people share the smarmy platitude, “Follow your heart.” Jesus has this to say of the human heart. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man,” Mark 7:21-23. God paints the masterpiece of our lives in hues of discomfort, pain and trials. Just ask Moses, Jonah and David. The things that made them happy often led them away from God’s plan for their lives. How in the world could that ever make God happy? How in the world could shifting the focus off God and onto ourselves be pleasing to God? I am reminded of Jesus’s words. “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him,” John 14:23. Keeping God’s word is what makes God happy. Jesus also reminds us, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.’ “ Getting what makes us happy emotionally is often contrary to what is best for us spiritually. When I worship God, when I thank Jesus for dying for my sins and even when I obey God’s word, I am doing not doing it for myself. I am doing it all to bring glory and honor to God. If I call myself a Christian, I must live as Jesus Christ does. Jesus said, "For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me," John 6:38.
Desperate Quest for Answers
The year was 1997. I had just started “dating” the second to the last guy I would ever date. I was working as an animal trainer in Gulfport, Mississippi. The guy’s name was Matt. I had been seeing him only a few weeks, but had already given away my heart and my body. I wanted desperately for him to come to see me perform in a dolphin show. He always refused the invite. I felt rejected. I persisted in asking. When I stopped begging, he finally showed up, but he attended each show with a calm disinterest. It was this behavior that drew me further into his world, seeking his approval. It was one of many mind games he would play. I had plenty of chances to leave him, but as horrible as he was, he was all I had. I look back now and wonder What The Helicopter was I thinking? The truth is, I was set up to fall prey to guys like Matt way back in my childhood. I was born a sensitive boy, with a distant dad, an abusive brother and a growing “natural” dislike for other guys. The chasm between myself and other boys further widened, because history would show me that men interactions with men were harsh and hurtful. As much as I "hated" men, I grew up with a deep longing to be one of them; a regular guy connecting with other guys on a deeper level. It was a simple, non-sexual desire to be with guys at first. That deep need to belong went unmet for years. Then a guy named Jamie took me to my first gay club.
Just like Alice, I stumbled hard and fast down the rabbit hole into a fabulous, new world. For the first time in my life I was meeting men I could identify with; men like me. My desperate need to be a part of the world of men veered off course that night. These new guys, looked and acted like regular guys, but they were a new breed of men altogether; showing interest in me, paying me compliments, listening and giving me the attention I desperately desired.
I grew up wandering around as an uninvited guest in the world of men, but these new guys welcomed me wholeheartedly. I found the attention enticing; gripping. During those first intoxicating moments I was enveloped by the social quicksand of the gay culture wouldn't see the light of day for 10 years. That night I was introduced to the savior I would serve religiously for the next ten years; the god of approval. Whoever listened, whoever stopped for more than a second look was rewarded with a piece of my soul. My deep seeded emotional need was met and it deafened me to the cacophonous cry of my wounded heart screaming over and over: “TURN BACK! TURN AROUND! DON’T DO THIS!” It was a track that would play repeatedly in the background of my life for the next ten years, but I became as adept at tuning it out as I did the voice of the Holy Spirit.
Years later, the Matt mentioned above, would come along and find me desperate again. I had worked tirelessly to suppress all things gay for months. I even dated a girl. The landscape of my life was devoid of even one connected male peer. The hungry false god of approval I had pledged my heart to so many years before cried out for a sacrifice. I was starved for attention. I was living my dream, but had no one to share it with. There was no one to come home to at a day’s end and worse yet, no one to simply say “good job”. I was terminally in desperate need of someone to convince me of my value, pay attention to me and give me worth. The trouble was that I rarely searched for these things in the presence of God, but instead mined endlessly in the exhausted quarries of the human genome.
I would later identify why guys like Matt had such a mesmerizing hold on me. My fractured relationships with my father and other men had forced me to wander the desert with other fractured men who had suffered the same fate. I was desperately searching for a man to affirm my masculinity; to approve of me as a man, but I was doing it in a world of broken men. I never received real affirmation of my masculinity from my real father and it left a deep, desperate longing in my heart to simply be loved and cherished by a man, a “father” if you will. I submitted myself to an endless parade of men over the years, hoping that just one might quell the torturous ache in my heart. No one ever did.
This entire blog came about, because of the following question I felt I heard from the Holy Spirit. “Do you share your testimony to lead people to worship and adore you?” or “Do you share your story of rapture from “no man’s” land to lead people to worship Jesus; in whose arms your search for value and affirmation ended?” Let the daily quest for all of our answers begin.
John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. 4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. 5 And the light shines in the darkness…
John 1:14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.
Sin Betrayed by a Heart Exposed
As I type the first few words of this blog I am running a race against a computer that has only 35% battery left. I left my cord at a friend’s house last weekend. 34% and I am powerless. Anyway. I was reading my morning devotion this morning, as I do 5 days out of 7 most weeks. I want to be more consistent with my devotion to God’s word; as consistent as I used to be with pornography and masturbation. I never used to miss a day of self-gratification. There never seemed to be a reason to miss it. After all, “it wasn’t hurting anyone right?” Well that is a blog for another day. Suffice to say that pornography and masturbation are a daily dose of gasoline that kept the dim, yet still active fire of homosexuality burning in my life. When I surrendered that to God, my temptations to look at gay porn and my need to find a man to fulfill me began to fade away. The knowledge and wisdom I gleaned from morning devotions today was so worth sharing. We have been reading a lot in Isaiah. And every day I have been depressed and a little saddened, because of my lack of understanding of the book. I’d pray every morning before we read and I would get little tidbits of wisdom here and there, but never any meat. I kept entertaining thoughts that I must just be out of touch with God. After all, I was reading the bible, as I was encouraging others to do and here I was, bankrupt. ARGHHHHH! Then today happened.
I was staring down the barrel of three chapters in Isaiah. I could feel the anxiety begin to rise, but we prayed as usual and I hoped for God to illuminate something for me. WOW! Let’s just say the brightness of the sun was a matchstick compared with what God showed me. Isaiah 58:9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ “If you take away the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, 10 If you extend your soul to the hungry And satisfy the afflicted soul, Then your light shall dawn in the darkness, And your darkness shall be as the noonday. 11 The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
Isaiah 58:13 “If you turn away your foot from the Sabbath, From doing your pleasure on My holy day, And call the Sabbath a delight, The holy day of the Lord honorable, And shall honor Him, not doing your own ways, Nor finding your own pleasure, Nor speaking your own words, 14 Then you shall delight yourself in the Lord; And I will cause you to ride on the high hills of the earth, And feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father. The mouth of the Lord has spoken.” What I got from these two verses was God’s response in times of obedience and walking according to his commandments. If you do these things God says, then I will do these things. I longed to honor God’s commandments in my life, because I know what life is like when I live according the gospel of Matthew Aaron Walker. I left my heart leap in my chest my friend when I read verse 11. The Lord will guide you continually, satisfy your soul in drought, strengthen your bones and that you shall be watered like a garden and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. I long for that kind of refreshing each and every day. We all wake each morning with a hunger and thirst of some sort, waiting to be quenched. I challenge you to see that hunger and thirst through the eyes of your spirit and not through the eyes of your flesh. One way will lead you to God and the other will lead you to man. One way will cause your hunger and thirst to deepen and lead you down a path of self-discovery. The other will satiate your needs, help you meet the needs of others and lead you on a journey of spiritual discovery.
I can do nothing without Jesus Christ in my life. I hated that statement when I was fighting to make a name for myself. I still fight against that statement at times, when I seek to find my value in the applause of man. At the end of the day, I know that there is no truer of a statement. The mercy of God in my opinion, is that the more I learn of His love and wisdom, the less he allows me to run in times of trouble. I struggle a great deal with self-confidence and situational depression. I stepped out into full time ministry over a year ago. It was amazing at first, when I had expendable cash. As my funds have depleted, it was slowly and painfully more evident what I had placed my trust in; funding, not the God who had called me into ministry. I have always suffered by repeating the pattern of falling back into pornography and masturbation when I think God has forgotten me, times get tough and my future is uncertain. All of a sudden I stop trusting the God who honored his promise just last week, I lose faith in the Holy Scriptures and I cry and whine as if my struggles are greater than the suffering of Jesus on the way to the cross. A few weeks later I will usually crawl back into the presence of God, apologize profusely and ask just what He was trying to teach me. It’s never what I ever expect.
The last few months have been filled with great turmoil for a guy in ministry such as myself. I had two major donors peace out, a go to donor peace out as well and two guys leave the residential program I run. That was like “superman leveling a building worthy ridiculousness” if you ask me. I felt like I had made a mistake in stepping out when I did. I felt betrayed by a bunch of people. And I started to have to use my credit cards to get by here and there. Not the picture perfect ideal way to start a World Changing Ministry right? Well. Once I had brewed myself a cup of “Shut the Heck up and Get back to Work” tea, the phone started ringing again. God started leading people to the ministry. And I started talking to God and confessing to my pastor and asking for help to make sure that I don’t fall prey to depression and self-pity. I also began to teach myself some pretty amazing things. No matter who shows up at my door or on the screen of my phone, I won’t compromise the things of God. I know that there are certain things are not optional for me anymore. Reading the bible daily is not an option. If my bible is not in my hand then my penis very well could be by the end of the day. It isn’t optional to talk to God for me. If I am not keeping company with God, I will be conversing with the temptations in my head and conjecturing as to the best way to fulfill them by nightfall. No matter how dark, how depressing or hopeless the day seems.
I have to tell myself when I’m struggling with emotional issues that homosexuality, sex and porn and masturbation are no longer options for dealing with my problems. I haven’t physically slept with anyone in over 15 years, but the word of God says in Matthew 5:28 “…I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” For those of us who struggle with homosexuality, we can interchange “woman” with “man”. My particular sin was especially humbling, because the subject of my lust was a man. And through the medium of pornography, I had been living out what scripture calls “sexual relationships” with other guys even during the time I was celebrating my walk out of homosexuality. Do you see your battle of pornography and masturbation in the same way that God does? There is hope for you my brother. It’s a tough pill to swallow for anyone, but I had to be real, open and honest with myself, because I wanted a deep, long lasting, spiritual change at all costs, not just a change perceptible to those around me. I also wanted God to show me the reason I still clung to the selfish and immature act of self-gratification. God is patient and merciful to show us the righteous path.
That is where the constant surrender of my sexuality to God came into play. There were months even years that I enjoyed freedom from the bondage of pornography and masturbation. Those were months of consistent relationship with God and not so much striving to get it right on my own. This fight to stay clean in a dirty world used to be confined to the public sector, but I find that now, even in my church circles, gay Christian influences are gaining ground. It’s tough enough to fight a battle on the street, but when church ceases to be a place of safety, I feel my resolve weaken. I know this was a bit of a ramble my friends. I am encouraging each of you who feels like giving up to hang on. Trust that God has a plan for you. Read His word daily. Replace the sinful habits that are tearing you down with spiritual habits that allow God to build you up. And last of all, surrender each and every relationship to God for his approval or disapproval. Bad company corrupts good character.
I will close with the first few verses of Psalm 103. 1 Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: 3 Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, 4 Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercies, 5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
A Christian, a transgender and a redneck walk into a church.
Over the past few years the influence of the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN) has become quite prolific, in our culture and in the church. You might be asking, “What is the Gay Chrisitian Network (GCN)?”
Here is a description of the GCN from their website-
“Founded in 2001, the Gay Christian Network (GCN) is a nonprofit Christian ministry dedicated to building bridges and offering support for those caught in the crossfire of one of today’s most divisive culture wars.
Our membership includes both those on Side A (supporting same-sex marriage and relationships) and on Side B (promoting celibacy for Christians with same-sex attractions). What began as an organization to provide support to LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender)...”
We live in a culture of convenience. We have reinterpreted the old saying, “Don’t take no for an answer”. No one is going to deny us what we want. We thumb our noses at God when it comes to the our Christian lives, but often in the most “polite” ways. We expect everything and everyone, including God, to realize the world revolves around us. I say, you can put lipstick on a Pig or Frosting on a turd, but all you have is a Pig with lipstick on it and…you get the picture. God isn’t having it. A life in Christ, is a life of submission to his will, not His to ours.
I was a gay “Christian” when being a gay “Christian” wasn’t cool. Let me explain why I became a gay “Chrisitian”. After I came out, the first guy that God brought my way was a Canadian, Baptist minister’s son. Yes, I said “God brought my way.” Hold up, put down your torches and pitchforks, LISTEN. On our first date, he told me that he grew up Christian, but early on he knew that he was gay. He told me that he knew he couldn’t be both and that homosexuality wasn’t a choice, and Christianity was, so he chose gay. It was 1993. I wasn’t living for God, but I heard the Holy Spirit, plain as day tell me “You can’t make that same choice.” Hear this my friends; I was a gay man, on a date with a guy and the Holy Spirit still spoke to me. God has never told anyone that it’s okay to be gay, but he has always and will always perform rescue missions to men and women trapped in the gay life. God still speaks wisdom to the lost, the found, gay, straight, transgendered and rednecks.
Gay “Christianity” was my attempt to make sense of my same sex attractions and my Christian walk. I would never stop being a Christian, but I didn’t know how to stop being gay. I got it way wrong for way too long. However, God used the “tiny window” I gave Him and my Christian upbringing, to allow Jesus Christ to build a kingdom in my heart. That led me out of gay “Christianity” and into true and authentic, biblical fellowship with Jesus. As a gay “Christian” Jesus was a protective accessory I “wore” to keep the bible thumpers at bay. As a Christian, Jesus became something real; my friend, and savior. He was living inside my heart, not serving as a superficial adornment.
Thank God I didn’t have more intelligence than sense. That would have led me down a path of reinterpreting scriptures to rationalize my sin, rather than leading me to place my sin under the authority of scripture. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Justin Lee and gay “Christians” aren’t the enemy. They are simply hurting people who have have found ways not to hurt anymore.
I share the following links to help bring awareness to the battle that is going on behind the scenes. Satan uses people, places and things to do his work. He always has a substitute for God’s plan. I am disheartened by the seductive and cunning teachings of the GCN. Many friends have succumbed to its deception. The links lead to two essays on the GCN webpage that reinterpret scripture to condone and normalize homosexuality.
Isaiah 55:11 says, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” My friend Sy Rogers has called the gay Church, “the church of the revolving door”. Many people go in, some meet Jesus, then they leave the church. I place hope in this scripture and that statement.
I found a wonderful piece on reinterpreting scripture on the “Let Us Reason Ministry” website.
Let Us Reason Ministry- http://www.letusreason.org/Biblexp117.htm
Here it is: “Deuteronomy 4:2 “You shall not add to the word which I command you, nor take anything from it”
Deuteronomy 12:32 “See that you do all I command you; do not add to it or take away from it.”
“Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.” Proverbs 30:6
In our day there is the belief in “progressive revelation” that originates from outside the Word. What right does anyone have to teach what is not in Scripture as if it is Scripture? False teachers do not want to submit to its original intent, so they do not seek what Scripture actually (exegesis) means, instead, they conform it to what they want it to mean (isogesis). They will look to another source as their authority because they are not under God’s authority. This is why Paul admonishes us in 1 Corinthians 4:6: “not to think beyond what is written” (exceed or go past).
The reason God is so adamant on this is because “The entirety of Your word is truth” Psalms 119: 160.
Proverbs 30:5 “Every word of God is pure; he is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.”
If we look at the context it [is] saying “Every word of God.” God is stating for MAN not to add to his words. Adding does not only mean additional words, but can also mean changing them to mean what they do not. When you add new words as equal to Scripture you are really taking away from Scripture.” The end.
Well said. In 1998, Jesus Christ delivered me from the amorphous, false religion of gay “Christianity”. The Holy Spirit showed me that it was His job, not mine, to interpret scripture. My only job was to willingly and consistently, surrender my will to God’s authority.
Chances are, if the gospel you are patterning your life after is not challenging you to move, change and grow, then it is probably not “The Gospel” at all. May God richly bless you on your journey out of homosexuality or the sin that holds you fast. May you accept the sacrifice of Jesus Christ as payment for and deliverance from your sin. May the Holy Spirit be the only one you let interpret scripture. This is the hardest fight of my life, but I must deny myself daily and take up my cross and follow Christ. The world is pushing you to hit the “Like” button on their sin. Refuse to listen to any voice, except the Voice of the Father.
By sharing the first link, I invite you to see how “correct” the GCN statement of faith appears. It looks good on paper, but if they truly “affirm that the Bible is Holy Scripture, divinely inspired and authoritative, and not merely a human work.” then how can they endorse any aspect of sexual sin? -- https://www.gaychristian.net/statementoffaith.php
The following link will lead you to a set of essays written about two sides of Gay Christianity. They are long, but I believe we all have a “horse in this race”. We owe it to the deceived to read and gain an understanding of what we are up against. Satan has studied every aspect of truth and teaching that the Ex-gay and Christian community has in regards to the roots and causes of homosexuality. he has covered all of his bases and he has an excellent PR team. (And according to their website, he is still hiring.) You owe it to yourself to spend some time understanding your adversary. 1 Peter 5:8 says it simply. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
The Essays: Two sides of the gay “Christian” debate- https://www.gaychristian.net/greatdebate.php
Chicken & Egg Debate
Did you ever hear that old adage, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?” It’s one of those questions that poses a couple of different approaches to the same answer. I am seeing gay “christianity” the same way these days. Are we Christians in light of Jesus or Christians in light of our broken sexuality?
Circa 1995, I attended a poetry convention in Washington, D.C. We were broken into small groups and asked to share one poem for a competition that was being held all week. I debated about what to share, but at the end of my deliberations I selected a poem, but it wasn’t my poem, but my self introduction that got everyone’s attention. Yep, as early as 1995, I was introducing myself as a gay “christian”. I finished my poem and sat down. A gay couple who were attending with a young guy they had adopted, introduced themselves to me, because they wanted to know more about being gay and Christian. They didn’t think it was possible. I can’t remember exactly what I told them. But I remember that my statement was more of a political statement than a profession of faith in Jesus Christ.
In the years after my declaration of being both gay and Christian, I tried my best to reconcile the two halves of my life. It never happened. Why? Because gay and Christian weren’t two halves of a life that would one day fit seamlessly together, simply because I worked hard at it. They were two specific, complete and different goals that would not share the throne of my heart. God was not going to share Lordship of my life with any sin; even one that I had rationalized and sanitized to the point of being socially acceptable and self-acceptable.
I understand so clearly why so many people get trapped in a life of gay “christianity”. Those who accept the idea that a person can be gay and Christian are doing so out of compassion and a spirit of treating everyone equal. That is so understandable, but it is also the hook the enemy uses to get us to rationalize and accept sin. The outbreak of gay “christianity” these days is terrifying in light of eternity. I thank God that my journey through gay “christianity” was a place I stopped off on the way to Jesus. I thank God that He showed me the truth about sin of any kind and surrender to Jesus Christ.
For me I think the trouble came when I entered college. I was led down the primrose path to a gay life. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “Wow, being gay would be amazing!” It happened a little at a time. Eventually, a disconnection from my dad fostered by a too close connection with mom and being born a sensitive, artistic and creative child set me up for the world to label me as different. Then my own mind, in trying to find a place to belong and succeed, found a world of other hurting sensitive, artistic and creative men. And they didn’t tease me or reject me, at first. Don’t be fooled though. Any group you belong to will have rules of admission and a “code of conduct” by which you must adhere.
I remember those nights in college when I would pray nightly for God to take my homosexual feelings away. I had always felt different than other guys and that eventually led to me idolizing them. I wasn’t born gay, I was born sensitive, not rough and tumbled like most guys, but I still had a place among their ranks. It was a place that most regular guys would assimilate into easily, but one that I would have to kick, claw and work my butt off to obtain. I think that is where most gay men give up the fight. Instead of trying to be someone they are not, they act like all the other automatons in the gay community, because of their feelings and in the name of not having to fit into a “normal” male mold. At the end of the day, they are still assimilating to a culture.
God never answered my prayer to take away my gay feelings. That is where I got confusing. Instead of reading the bible further and hearing scriptures like God’s grace is sufficient for me and Be still and know that He is God, His silence dictated to me that being gay was okay. My mistake, not His.
There are so many other factors that contribute to men and women believing at their very core that they are born gay. Too many for one blog post, but that’s why I write often. God didn’t take away the feelings, because they were something I had grown in to. God can’t take away that which we refuse to give up. I remember that while I was still very involved in homosexuality that the Holy Spirit would call to me. I would tell God that I wasn’t going to give up on homosexuality, because I didn’t want to have to go through puberty again or relearn everything in the straight world that I had learned in the gay world. I didn’t want to wake up every day and look in the mirror and say, “I am not gay!” in an effort to convince myself. In essence, the enemy was telling me that I was too far-gone and that there was no time to start over. Thank God for a praying father and deep-rooted scripture that held off the death that satan had planned for me.
I think there are two predominant types of gay Christian, that stick out to me. Those that know the truth and suppress it, because they are going to prove to themselves and the world that gay is okay and those that are truly deceived by the likes of Jason Lee and his Gay christian Network.
I think that those who preach gay “christianity” and the media who suppress the truth will have a lot to answer for on judgment day. I also think that a lot of the gay “christian” community are banking on the idea that if they live a life according to the bible they know, that God will have no other choice than to admit them into heaven. I thought the same. When I was planning to marry my long-term partner “800 years” ago, I suggested that we stop having sex a few months before our ceremony so that I was pure before God. I was monogamous with my partner. I was living a good life. On and on my deception went. My entire life was steered off course, because of my broken sexuality. Isn’t a life in Christ supposed to be directed by Him and Him alone. The scripture that jarred me into reality was Romans 14:12 “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” At the end of all “this” I was going to stand before God alone and tell Him the truth of my life. I had to ask myself, “Was I prepared to do that, considering everything I had done?”
I ask you the same question my friend. No matter who you are following today. No matter how many people agree or support your stance on or life in gay “christianity”, what does your heart tell you today? Homosexuality is not in God’s plan for his creation. Do you believe that today? Have you been led astray by the ideology and sentiment of the world? It is never too late to change your mind. As long as you have breath in your lungs, God is still performing rescue missions.