Wake Up...Part 2
Someone happened to read the blog, "Wake up or Suffer the Consequences" this morning and posed the following question to me. "I want to understand sequestered and warden. Im trying to see how this does or does not apply to my life, except,in my case I don't identify as gay, but rather as a Christian. And live my life, struggles included, as Godly as I can. Would appreciate your response when you have time." 12:28pm Here are my unpolished, unfiltered thoughts. I use the word sequestered the same way that someone might refer to a jury whose life is on hold until a verdict is reached. They are cut off from the world until a decision can be reached. When I describe God as a warden instead of a savior, this is what I mean. A savior saves us when we call on His name leads us to higher places of full redemption. The bible says that those who call on His name will be saved. I take that to mean not only salvation, but redemption from the things that bind us on a daily basis. A warden manages someone who is locked away. He brings them there meals, tells them what to do and offers them care and lodging while the person is locked away in prison. The question we must ask though, is who put them in that prison?
Are they in prison because they have done something wrong? Or are they in prison because life is scary and disappointing and being locked away is safer. When God is the warden in your life, he has set up an infrastructure of binding rules and laws that say you can't be gay and you must live your life avoiding bad "gay" things at all costs. With God as a warden, our lives are not lived out but managed to the point that we won't sin, because we have not only put GOd in a box, but we have placed ourselves in that box as well. When God is our savior, he is more of a shepherd we go to for instructions on how to get through the tough things in life we will inevitably encounter as we roam freely about. God has the capacity to save us from our sin and redeem us from a gay life. When we lock ourselves away, we are attempting to live a life that we are in control of because God didn't change us when we asked Him to and we can't imagine the unknown and difficult path of walking away from gay. When we see GOd as savior in our life, we hand over control of our life to HIm and trust that no matter what we see or think, that GOd is in control. One is sacrifice to the point of being a self proclaimed martyr and the other is being obedient and venturing out into the world. WIth GOd as a warden we build fences to keep us away from sinful things. With God as a savior, we allow Him to test us in order to build resistance muscles so we don't run after things that are bad for us. Both men more than likely are getting into heaven. It's just that one will have made it by sheer willpower and having been hidden away from all sources of temptation. And the other will have led an amazing life of obedience, filled with mountaintop and valley experiences. The latter will have lived a life full of risks and grand perspectives and will have inspired others along the way, because they will have relied on God and not themselves.
Wake Up or Suffer the Consequences
I was asked by a friend to define my use of the term gay Christian. Calling myself a gay Christian back in the 1990’s was an attempt to reconcile my homosexuality and my Christianity. Calling myself a gay Christian also kept the bible thumpers at bay. I could argue I’d never chosen to be gay, that God had created me that way and that there was nothing anyone could say about it. Back in my youth I knew and acknowledged what the bible said about homosexuality, but didn’t apply it to my life, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reconcile the truth of the bible with my same sex attractions. I tried to live a life based on the verses I heard, understood and that I thought applied to my life. I believed I was born gay, so I thought the scriptures had to be wrong.
The gay Christians of the world today are different. Many of them are living a Christian life centered around their homosexual desires and not centered around Christ. I just read a FB thread about a debate between Christopher Yuan, a Christian leader and Justin Lee, President of the Gay Christian Network, GCN. It was on Justin’s page so many of the posts were pro GCN. The level of deception is astounding. One guy said this, referring to Christopher “…he(Christopher) decided to fall into the same pattern of "these passages condemn homosexuality, i know you have been told that they don't, but they do… “ and “…I wasn't expecting him to whip out an extended clobber passage lecture in the middle of this.” The gentlemen ended by stating that he hopes that their next talk “…will provide more an (of) opportunity to do "bridging" than wall-building.” Gay Christians aren’t really debating scripture any more, they are dismissing the real and applicable to modern day truth of God’s word, because it doesn’t bear witness with the lie they are living. Gay Christianity is not about living in accordance to God’s word or being a gay follower of Jesus.
Gay Christianity is a separate, pagan religion, cleverly disguised and seeded with biblical half-truths, that allows homosexual sin and an aspect of religion to co-exist.
2 Timothy 4:2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.
Taking up one’s cross and daily denying ourself is a truth relegated to the days of Jesus and the Apostles. For no one ever, has Christianity been what the gay Christian agenda has made it today. If the bible had been lived out according to the principles of the gay agenda, Daniel would have never had to endure the lion’s den, the three Hebrew children wouldn’t have been thrown in the fire and Peter wouldn’t have been crucified upside down, because God is a loving god and those things are uncomfortable. All those folks lived life according to biblical truth and ended up going through hell. If gays can misinterpret scripture and build a separate sect of Christianity, then the woman caught in adultery would have been vindicated to say, “Jesus wasn’t really addressing my sin when He said ‘Go and sin no more.’ He was really talking to the crowd who weren't being loving to me, because they were treating me bad.’ “
I have a friend who is a celibate gay Christian. He doesn’t engage in sex, porn or mast. He’s not going to try and walk away from gay anymore, but he will never be straight. In my opinion he is living a sequestered life of asexuality, where God is more of a warden than a savior. Another friend believes that God created him gay. He dates guys and is as monogamous as he can be. There are as many types of gay Christians as there are church denominations. I can’t answer definitively whether someone who calls themself a gay Christian will go to heaven like Alan Chambers stated on Lisa Ling. I can say that the bible says we will know Christ’s followers by the fruit they produce.
One last scripture, when it comes to fellowship with gay Christians. Fellowship with gay Christians isn’t like fellowship with gay men and women that don’t know Christ. As Christians we are to love and guide the lost. When it comes to someone who calls themself a Christian and doesn’t live according to God's will, there are a few scriptural mandates. I personally don’t believe that churches should be having conversations about compromise with the gay Christian community. For one it isn’t biblical and two we are not to compromise the word of God. If we come together to see what we agree on, the bible better be opened and consulted for the duration of the conversation. We are living in the last days and we are the persecuted church. If we stand up for what the bible says about sexual sin, we will be laughed at, mocked, taunted and persecuted. Satan has worked diligently to normalize homosexuality and distance modern day homosexuals from the homosexual offenders of ancient bible days. 1 Corinthians 5:9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”
Scripturally, we are to have two different responses to gay people as opposed to gay Christians. We are not to walk around as if we have it all together and are perfect, but we are supposed to guard our churches and our hearts against false prophets, like Justin Lee and other members of the GCN. His goal is not church integration. He is quoted in his book describing ways to bring about division in the modern day church. That doesn't sound like a plan for compromise. He may represent himself as compassionate and loving, but his motivation and goals are far from pure.
At the end of the day I believe we must lovingly represent the truth to any and all persons living a life of sexual sin. We, as those who know and live the truth, must open up our churches to repentant gay men and women seeking help. We must refuse to compromise scripture, because a compromised gospel is no gospel at all. We must provide a safe refuge for the wounded without letting the wolves disguised as sheep in. We are called to pray for the lost, the deceived and those being led away to slaughter. Men like Justin Lee and Dan Savage are touting a message that ensures the downfall of many in the gay community. It is a message filled with empty hope, mingled with biblical half-truths, but mostly high spirited, compassionate opinion. There has never been a more appropriate time for the church to awaken from their slumber, than now.
Suicidal Thoughts
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My introduction to the concept of suicide happened as early as six years old. My mom had locked herself in her room in a fit of deep depression and anger and was threatening to kill herself with my father’s shotgun. I remember sitting in the darkened hallway of my childhood home, crouching against her door in an effort to be close to my mom. That day stood as a beacon of torment in my life for decades. I was crying, begging, pleading with her to stop. She was screaming and crying from the other side of the door as well. Time has thankfully blurred the torturous commentary from my recollection. What I do remember is wondering where my father was that day. Maybe he had experienced this before, but this was my initiation into the world of my mom’s bipolar disorder; and it would affect the rest of my life. Though my mother’s mood swings would never again reach the previous all time low, my life was irrevocably caught in the wake of her mental illness.
Many years later my own thoughts would turn to suicide, but I was already conditioned to being the good son, the straight ‘A’ kid, the boy who always followed the rules. In other words, I scared to do the wrong thing and suicide was extremely wrong in my head. So when I felt myself approaching the point of checking out, there was some part of my psyche that screamed “NO!!!” Though I wasn’t allowed to commit suicide, no one had ever said I couldn’t write about it.
At the age of 19 I authored the following poem, with years of mental, physical and verbal abuse from my mother and my personal struggle with homosexuality as my inspiration.
Death is the Answer 6-2-91
To allow the soul to go on in so much pain is an undoing of the mind.
One quick snap is all that would solve the equation of life and death.
Over and over it turns in one’s mind
What will be added to your side of the equation next?
One side is not like the other
problems + distress + loneliness should be equal to the exactly the same.
But one quick snap could equal them all to a solution.
Click.
Try again another day
Should a person in a cataclysmic mindset be allowed to roam the earth unheard?
It is necessary that they be heard and helped
Lifted up and healed
So much pain dwells in a soul
held captive by a mind and a body
Set the soul free to roam
find its own answers.
One quick snap is all it would take
Click.
Click.
Oh…FREEDOM!
The frequency of hurt and pain of my twenties would lend further inspiration to one other poem about suicide. Then life would stabilize a bit, as I left home behind and my mother’s influence.
Within the past few years, suicidal thoughts made a resurgence in my life. They were offered up by satan as an alternative to the hurt and pain that had once again kicked up in my life, because of ministry failures and hurts. I haven’t shared this publicly, but I promised God this would be a blog about my messy Christian life and not a verbal diatribe about “how you too can achieve perfection” like me. What you are about to read is my uncensored heart.
A few years ago, I was unhappy with my job, the ministry was in the garbage and my feelings of inadequacy were skyrocketing. Quite frankly, I hurt more than I breathed. I would have all night Netflix movie parties and lose myself in a fantasy world of Hollywood’s perfect life. I remember how deceptively elegant and crafty, the thoughts of the enemy were during that time. I was bombarded with the thoughts that I should keep my struggle to myself at all costs. “You are the leader of a ministry and you want people to respect you and not think your crazy.” Thoughts like, “You are a man and you’re supposed to be independent and strong.” “You have to do this on your own to prove that you can.” Sound familiar?
Satan used those thoughts to keep me separated from people that could have helped. Perhaps the most disturbing thoughts of all were the ones that came next. “Wouldn’t it be better if you were somewhere else right now?” Simple enough. But he wasn’t leading me to believe I needed a vacation in Hawaii. He was laying the foundation for suicide in my life. Other thoughts eventually came along. “It will be easier if you are somewhere else. Is this all really worth it any way? You are in so much pain.” What scares me the most looking back on that time in my life is that he never mentioned death, or killing myself. The thoughts were comforting and loving in nature, as if whoever was planting them in my head, had my best interest at heart. I can honestly say it was if he was spinning the thoughts into romantic notions of death.
I wasn’t a fallen, backslidden Christian. I was attending church every Sunday and leading others into the presence of God. I was a professing Christian, but I was tormented with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy us my friends. He is out to separate us from loved ones and end our life ever so eloquently. Satan never came to me with horns and a pitchfork. He came just as the bible describes him, an Angel of Light.
This week we remember those whose lives were ripped away before they could be fully lived. I would also like to encourage anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide, to talk about it with a trusted friend. The enemy may be whispering to you that no one cares, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is at least one person who gave His life, so that we would have the chance to live ours to the fullest. His name is Jesus. Your life was created on purpose for a purpose. You may not have found that purpose yet, but let me encourage you as someone who was courted by death. Life may be difficult right now, but if today is the worst day you have ever had, tomorrow has the potential to be a wee bit better. Hold on. Reach out. Live life. Jesus has come so that we have life and life more abundantly.
Get Outta The Boat Heifer!
Is it me, or does the purple Listerine feel more like battery acid than the other flavors? As I swished it around, I did a double take at the label, searching for ingredients I was certain were in there, like “magma” or “diesel fuel”. Two nights ago, after a very enjoyable dinner with friends, my car decided to die momentarily in the parking lot. It was fixed the next day then the AC, which I had fixed a few weeks prior, went out. Did I mention how much my feet hurt as well?
Time to complain? Nope, time to testify about the peace that God has been granting me lately. The night my car broke down, my friend Luis drove Josh and I home. Problem solved. I was more than a little thrown off course, by the engine malfunction. Why? Well, the next day I had three very interconnected, tough to schedule, but very necessary appointments. You know the ones. If you’re a minute late to one, or something goes awry, the whole day could be ruined. I had from 9 pm at night to 9 am the next morning to sweat, stew and dream about how terrible the next day was going to be. I made it home and when I sat down to worry, a sense of peace washed over me instead. I don’t know that I have ever felt that before. I questioned this soothing, but unfamiliar feeling. There was one other attack that threatened my sanity that evening, yet I couldn’t forget the peace that God has used to cloak my heart.
Our dinner conversation with friends and the next day’s appointments were God ordained moments. The enemy did his best to derail ‘The Mercy Express’. satan launched his attack as soon as he could. God had begun the peace process way before then. Turns out that the repair on my car was covered under warranty. The Listerine just needed a good “shaken not stirred” action and the other two appointments worked out better after the car issue.
Every time I have begun to let doubt creep in, the Holy Spirit has been right there with a scripture. “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.”-- Psalm 37:25. I read this a few weeks ago. Waterfall in the Wilderness Moment! Then today, quite “randomly” I was taking part in the filming of a new Bible DVD series and the guy on stage quotes Psalm 37:25. That peaceful feeling came again, but this time it was accompanied by something else. It was the feeling of knowing and believing that the verse was absolutely and undeniably true. I can’t explain it, but I felt the belief take hold of me like a physical manifestation of truth programmed into every cell of my body.
God is so faithful, even when I rekindle my past. I have been here before: doubt, despair and fear of failure. When I walked away from 15 years of history as a Sea World animal trainer, it was much the same as walking away from 20+ years as a gay man. Both were places of comfort and familiarity. Both met certain needs I had. I had outgrown them both as well. When I stepped away from both I was that “wobbly toddler” taking those first bumbling steps away from stability and towards the unknown.
Peter didn’t just dip his foot in and yell “HEY JESUS! Look at me!” Peter asked “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” (Jesus) said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. “ To do great things my brothers, you gotta get off your lazy butt and step out of the boat. Turn off the TV, quit downloading porn, stop being afraid to fail, begin trusting God and do something with the life that He has so graciously loaned you. Peter's faith started with a desire and culminated in a conversation with Jesus. What is the desire of your heart little brothers? Start your long overdue conversation with Jesus today. Keep your heart and your ears open for His response.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord...
Father's Day Testimony
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A while back I was asked to share a snippet of why I am grateful for my father for the Father's Day message at our church. I asked my pastor if I could share my story with emphasis on my testimony. My pastor said Yes. I asked, "Do you think the church is ready for it?" He said "Yes." I love my church. I love our leadership. I love the people. Praise God that there are still churches where the leaders read and submit their lives to the word of God. Even as the rest of the religious world slips daily into a deadly romance with worldly beliefs.
Gospel of the Influentials
As I hung up the phone, I got that familiar sinking feeling in my gut. The young man on the other end of the line had shared his homosexual struggle and the desire to simply embrace those desires and “be happy”. He was calling to, in his words “pick my brain”. Recent news concerning gay marriage, the closing of Exodus, confusing rhetoric on being gay and Christian and the pope’s confusing declaration concerning the gay community and gay priests had generated much confusion.
As the gay community celebrates victory after victory, those of us who walked away from homosexuality are not only under fire by gay right’s advocates, but are also caught in the crosshairs of the church as well. Post conversation with this kid I was awash with frustration yet a sense of peace. These perceived victories have sent shockwaves through what was already an unstable community of believers. Believers trapped in a “Bermuda Triangle” of their unwanted same sex attractions, their love of Jesus and a world that has discarded the truth of God’s words in favor of following The Gospel According to the Influentials; men and women of power and charisma using their influence to coerce the church into reconsidering it’s biblical stance on homosexuality.
Paul writes about a perverted gospel in Galatians 1:6-8. 6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!”
Paul was addressing the Galatians act of switching from a faith-based walk to one based on works. Yet this passage parallels the modern day war being waged against biblical truth by the gay agenda. The scriptures “turning to a different gospel”, “some people are throwing you into confusion” and “trying to pervert the gospel” are reminiscent of the tactics being used against churches and Christians who stand up for biblical truth about homosexuality.
Paul goes on to say in verse 8 that “even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!” This was so important that Paul restated his point in verse 9. Paul knew that satan would come against God’s truth in an effort to pervert the gospel. I shared this same concept with my young friend concerning his sexual struggle. We must live according to the truth of God’s word concerning our same sex attractions and not the emotionally based, spiritual-esque opinions of influential “political” leaders.
No doubt the pope is a very influential person, but he’s still a click or two below the angels. Paul says that if “anyone” preaches a different gospel other than the one that has been preached, that there are consequences for that deception. In regards to the church and homosexuality my friends, I represent to you that a different gospel is being preached. Confusion is run amuck in the minds of young men stuck between gay and Christian; a false gospel is being preached by some very influential HUMANS.
I also shared my perspective with my friend on being gay and “Christian”. Jesus says this in Luke 9:23, “Then he said to them all: ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.’ ” Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Jesus Christ is not one aspect of our lives. If we are Christians, Jesus Christ is Lord of our life. He won’t share His our heart with the sin in our lives. It doesn’t matter whom the next influential person to stand up and share their opinion is. As Christians we must measure everything against the absolute truth of the Bible. Any word contrary to scripture is to be ignored, not exalted.
There has been no greater time in the history of the church that the following scripture has resonated with truth and clarity as now. 2 Timothy 4:3 “For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” We are living in a time, where man’s desires and worldly opinion are being given greater deference from the “Christian” pulpit than the Word of God.
I share these truths as a man who: surrendered his sexuality to God and whose heart beats with compassion for those trapped by their same sex attractions. I adhere to 1 Corinthians 6:10, which says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
For the "gay kids" out there struggling to resolve the conflict of your sexuality and your Christianity, there is hope for freedom. 1 Corinthians 6:8-11 “…Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men…will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Jesus Christ mercifully delivered me out of a life He never chose for me, but through the deception of the enemy, I chose for myself. I still believe that we “…can do all things through Christ who strengthens…” us. That includes living a life controlled by Jesus and not by our same sex attractions.
Living in the Flames
A moment of humility. It is never my intention to set myself up as a god to anyone. I need Jesus every morning more than ever. I still get offended and fall prey to my anger and brokenness. Jesus Christ is the end all be all for all of our lives. My mission in life is not to fix broken people, but to instead lead them to Jesus, using the road map of my own emotional scars. The other day, two of my friends who struggle with SSA, were struggling with visuals of the male physique, at the gym locker room. After hearing their stories, God woke me up the next morning with some visual analogies of the struggle. God showed me the Temple and The Holy of Holies (HH) and He transposed it with a locker room. The HH was a place where "man" came face to face with God. Locker rooms are places where as active SSA strugglers we come face to face with our earthly 'gods'. The HH was a place where "man" came 'face to face' with God in order to receive redemption for his sins. God restored man into rightness, because of His Holiness and power to do so. In the locker room we are looking for that same sense of redemption and connection with a god of our choosing. We are looking to bring balance to a life out of balance. Our history shows our great need for God and our consistent effort to find 'Him' elsewhere. That same day I got the visual of the devil and Enoch. I don't know why I didn't think of Jesus, but anyway stick with me. Probably because the life of Enoch is shrouded in mystery and has always fascinated me. So here we have the most evil being that ever lived and a man from the Old Testament who was so righteous that it is said of him, 'Enoch walked with God; then he was gone because God took him'. Genesis 5:24. Polar opposites! I began to wonder at what point on the line between the two that I fell? Imagine living a life like that of Enoch. What does it look like to truly "walk with God"? Walking with God might mean there are places He would never lead us or choose for us to go. In all honesty brothers, we have to come to the realization that we will never be strong enough to go some places or watch certain movies. That we may always struggle with the sight of a naked male physique. That we are weak and prone to lapses in judgment, because of our eyes and our evil hearts. I pose this question to all strugglers seeking a life of freedom in Jesus. 'Are you being honest with yourself about what you can handle?' Should you shower at home after a workout? Should you watch Christian movie reviews before going out? I believe it's better to have a heart and mind that's a little sheltered than a heart God has to continually "do surgery" on, because we keep exposing ourselves to visual garbage. Just some thoughts. I'm so not telling any of you what to do. Think about this- Are you nullifying people's prayers by the life your leading? Or do their prayers simply enhance your sold out life for Jesus Christ? If your hand offends you cut it off. If your eye offends you pluck it out. We can't continue to eat at the trough with the pigs my friends. It's time to give up and return home. Daddy's waiting with arms wide open, ready with a new life custom built just for you.
He Chose Me
2:32 am- I can't sleep. I just wrote to my cousin in Oklahoma. He is much younger than me. We tried to connect once when I was home, but he is gay and I am ex gay and he tells me I treated him like a project in our short interaction. I have since apologized, but we don't exchange Christmas cards yearly. I felt like I was supposed to share my day with him. It was a great day in ministry for me. Skype guy in Alabama: Cry, Pray, Encourage. Skype guy in Kazakhstan:Learn Russian, Pray, Encourage, Rebuke, Love on him. Received a call from a girl I know about a guy friend who is gay and was severely beaten by his boyfriend in a drunken rage. It was severe enough that the guy moved out, closed down his facebook and is searching for God, spirituality or answers now. I received a call to pray about this guy. We'll call him Drew. She didn't call me praising God that maybe through this trauma Drew will turn straight. She called me hoping that Drew will now turn to Jesus. She called me to pray. And pray I did. While we do believe that there is freedom from homosexuality, our prayer and ministry focus isn't "Get 'em Straight!" It's "Get 'em Jesus!". My second call of the day was from a dad who needed some advice about how to handle his son's homosexuality, porn use and lies. The dad had cooked up some pretty dire consequences for the boy if the bad decisions and behavior continue. I talked him down off a ledge and simply encouraged him to love his son in the midst of a situation that the dad doesn't understand. I encouraged him to take the extreme consequences off the table and instead put forgiveness back on it and a little tough love. Whether the kid is gay or straight, porn is not appropriate for anyone at any age. Also hanging out in certain places on the internet where sketchy adults can lurk, whether you are a straight young lady or a gay young man, is not a good idea. At the end of the day, any child under 18 is entrusted to a parent by God. Like it or not kids, the parents are responsible to God for how they instruct and guide you. If you don't like it, McDonalds is hiring and there is a nice apartment for rent next to the liquor store and local hoochie house. As an added bonus, I have another friend visiting from out of town, who I will be watching the sunset with in 3 hours 33 minutes. Once we have witnessed this amazing view that only God could paint, then we will chatting about Jesus and exactly what a surrendered life looks like. I met this kid years ago at an Exodus Conference. I was his small group leader. He started off his introduction by telling me that he didn't like small groups too much. He didn't plan on sharing or talking and that was that. Well the Holy Spirit and I worked our magic and I have had the privilege of pouring into this young man's life for many years now. Praise God!
So that was my day. Better than any dolphin foot push, killer whale waterwork or the applause of the most affirming crowd I have ever experienced. I didn't make one red cent for my work today, but I feel like a millionaire, because God chose me to do this ministry. He chose me to love on gay kids who want out of the gay life and gay kids who don't. He chose me to love on gay couples who have been together 14 years and those who have separated, because they have heard the call of God on their lives. He chose me to share the love of Jesus, where the name of Jesus can't yet be spoken. This is the best life ever. He chose me!
Space Invaders
I was reading in Job 31. One scripture jumped off the page at me. Job 31:7 “If my step has turned from the way, or my heart walked after my eyes...” Which led me to another scripture Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness... How many times have our steps been turned aside by some enticing, "shiny" thing full of earthly "light"? How many times has your heart walked after your eyes? Think about catching that first glimpse of an enticing image. You know the feeling. You're an explorer who just found the boundary between heaven and hell. You wrestle with going further. Suddenly you're infected with a terrible virus that seeps in through your eyes. The pressure in your spirit is palpable as the foreign DNA infiltrates the halls of the temple of the Holy Spirit. What you do next is one of the most difficult tasks set before any man. How you could have prepared your heart before you were ever enticed would have been way easier.
I saw my first porn mags at the age of 6. There were no explanations, no boundaries. Lust and sexploration would impact the rest of my life. I stand before you an adult with adult sensibilities. Boundaries have been set. I possess a knowledge of right and wrong. I declare as Job did. I must make a covenant with my eyes. An agreement; a physical, spiritual, living and active proclamation to my DNA, that all "foreign" bodies will be eradicated upon sight. Gentleman, every morning we must wake with a purpose and a plan in our sights. satan has memorized our routines, waits for our boredom and then he pounces like a Christmas shopper on a Tickle Me Elmo. Put some scripture in your field of view, before the enemy puts Howie the Hottie in your viewfinder.
What is it that binds you and holds you fast? A website? An app? TV? Internet? It may seem silly to follow the letter of God's word and cut off your hand if it offends you or pluck out your eyes if they offend you. But let's be creative. If your app offends you delete them. Have a friend change the passcode on your phone. If your TV tempts you, serve it an eviction notice. The enemy of our souls is real. He doesn't simply work through porn sites any more. He now works with a more palatable medium. What is your poisoned laced candy bar of choice: a cute friend of a friend's risky photo on Facebook, a lovable, smart, gay character on your favorite show or a storyline you’ve been following for years that has slowly been leading you astray? I say most of this as a brother, none of this as your mother, but all of it to clear the way to your Father.
M.
Everlasting Echoes of Truth
I am still in shock about Exodus International closing. One of my students shared his testimony today at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida. It was perfect. No one prepped the crowd. He simply told how he had moved in with his boyfriend. Then Jesus led him to the realization that he couldn’t be both gay and Christian. Something had to give. Jesus won out. There were no audible gasps. No one left the room. When Alan Chambers spoke about the role of the church as Exodus closes, he said that churches are now ready to fill the void. I believe my church, Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida is one of those churches. Are we FULLY ready? No. Are we asking the right questions and pressing in to Jesus? Yes. I spent 20 minutes talking to my pastor’s wife today about Exodus. She wanted to know the what, why and how behind the closing. I gave her a brief synopsis. Then as if cued by the Holy Spirit, she began to quote some of the same ideas and realizations about the situation that God had revealed to me. No organization can step up and do the work the church needs to do and that includes building relationships with the wounded and shepherding them in their walk with Jesus. Then the pastor’s wife asked me a question I could not answer. I know that as a church and a ministry we will one day do our best to answer it together.
“How do we as a church, communicate the love of Jesus Christ to the gay community while still sharing the truth of God’s word concerning the sin of homosexuality?”
We can’t occupy either of the two extremes: all love and hyper-grace or supreme condemnation and fear. There must be balance in our approach, leaving the one size fits all mentality to K-Mart Moo-moos and Cooking Aprons.
I got so mad at Alan Chambers that my judgment was clouded. I didn’t understand. I still don’t. HONESTY ALERT!!! My reaction to the closure of Exodus meant that I had placed my faith and trust in an organization. Exodus had become somewhat of an idol to me. I was angry that there was chaos where there had once been peace. That is when the conviction of the Holy Spirit came in. “God is where you place your faith and trust.” With Exodus gone, I could focus my eyes back on God.
When I calmed, I was reassured in a text from Alan that no matter what we are still friends. Yes, that is right. Alan Chambers is my friend. He gave me my first job in this ministry. He hired me as the Emcee for the 2002 Exodus Freedom Conference. Alan has introduced me to several young men that I have mentored over the years. He has given me advice. We’ve shared more than one lunch at the Cracker Barrel near the office. Alan Chambers has been a hero in my life.
I think of other names around Exodus when I began my walk out of homosexuality. John Paulk and John Smid. John Paulk co-authored the book, “Love Won Out”. He recently came out apologizing for his work with Exodus. It didn’t phase me. Here’s why. John Paulk spoke of freedom from homosexuality and Jesus at a time when I needed to hear it most. Just because he doesn’t believe it any more, doesn’t mean that the truth of God’s word about homosexuality is any less true.
John Smid mentored me at a time when I needed guidance and the viewpoint from a wiser man in this walk. He instilled in me the excitement of a life surrendered to Jesus. Both these guys have recanted most of the statements they made over the last decade, concerning Exodus ministry, but it was too late for me to be swayed by the new “gospel” they’re preaching. They had already led me to the only gospel that ever mattered; the message of Jesus Christ.
My friends, the bible says that if possible in the last days, even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived. Before you point fingers at any of the men above, go take a look in the mirror. You could very well be next. satan is alive and well. He can tempt and deceive any of us. Don’t single out heroes that have fallen, but instead pray for them. Pray for yourself that you don’t fall victim to the schemes of the enemy. 1 Peter 5:8 says it best, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
Ultimately, it’s the message of the bible, not any ministry that is to shape and guide our lives. Do I believe you can be gay and Christian? I’ll let another one of my heroes, Joe Dallas, answer that question with a scripture he quoted. Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Obedience in EVERY area of our lives is the key. Obedience- doing what the bible says is right, even when our heart, hormones and friends try to steer us off course. The bible is not the menu at Burger King. You can’t “have it your way”. A life in Christ is all or nothing.
Confessions of a Closet Runner
I attended my 12th and final Exodus Freedom conference this past week in California. After 38 years, Exodus is closing. Recently, I left my full time job at Sea World in order to pursue ministry full time. Coincidence. I think not. God is afoot. I am excited for what He plans to do in this new season.
With all the apologies, legislation and myths flying about, the good works Exodus has done were swept under the rug faster than Honey Boo Boo can wolf down a chili dog. So, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and “come out of my own closet”. Yes, my friends I must confess that I…I…am…a…person who was helped by Exodus. WHAT!?!?! Yes, I know, shocking in light of news reports. “Apparently” there weren’t many of us. Most are afraid to express it openly for fear of being ridiculed by those who consider Exodus to be a worse than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I can’t hide forever. I have end my silence and share my story.
I heard a lot of conflicting messages at this past conference. One couple testified that they now know that gay and Christian can coexist together. They shared that God had created their gay son, just the way he was meant to be. Wow! These were definitely not the messages of past Exodus conferences or the bible. I listened and took it all with a grain of salt. I began walking away from homosexuality in 1998. A few years prior I called myself a gay Christian. The Holy Spirit challenged my twisted view of spirituality. “I see a lot of gay in your life, but not a lot Christian,” He said. He was right. I called myself a gay Christian, because I believed the lie that I was born gay and I knew my relationship with Jesus wasn’t an option.
I focused my attention on my Christian walk instead of my gay Christian charade. My life began to change. Trying to live a hybridized life of gay and Christian brought this scripture in 1 Corinthians 6 to mind. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
I always had doubts about my Same Sex Attractions. My gay friends said it was the church that coerced me into believing that being gay was wrong. I know it was the conviction of the Holy Spirit that fostered my doubts. Romans 14:12 nourished those doubts. 12 “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” The truth of God’s word haunted me. One day I would stand before God and the anger and attitude with which I staunchly defended my homosexuality would be silenced as God reviewed EVERYTHING. The masses wouldn’t protect me then. My best friend Scott couldn’t vouch for me. In the end it’s just you and God.
The last message I heard from the stage at Exodus was that one speaker had not experienced much change at all in their attractions over the 10 years they had been attending Exodus conferences. I wondered why they kept coming back? Then with a grateful, humbled, softer heart I thought. “I experienced change. I have. I continuously do.” The message I was hearing was not one of change and freedom, but instead one of doubt and a lesser gospel than the one I had experienced. Jesus said in Mark 10:27 “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” To me that included healing from homosexual attractions. The story from the stage was not my story, I felt ashamed at first. I felt like I was judging or even prideful about my victories over my attractions. With the messages of failure coming from the stage, I felt my success story wasn’t welcome. And that my friends’ is when I went back into the closet.
I didn’t stay in there long. I have changed. I have experienced freedom, but was my story welcome amongst the apologies and doubt. To be completely honest, I still have attractions to guys on occasion. BUT…after 12 years of attending Exodus Freedom conferences, I have experienced dramatic changes in those attractions. They are way less penis focused and more situationally focused and considerably less life altering. Guys’ who are tall, muscular, have great hair and great self esteem and self confidence still draw my attention. That doesn’t mean my attractions haven’t changed, it means that I fall victim to the act of comparing myself to others like everyone else in the world. It’s stifling at times. My attractions to women have dramatically increased over the years as I have learned healthy ways to relate to straight guys.
After years of sexual intimacy with guys, God gifted me with true intimacy. I shared one of the most intimate moments of my life with a straight guy friend. He invited me to listen to music and brainstorm ideas for a script he wanted me to write. He shared his vision and his heart and welcomed me into his creative world. He showed interest and gave value to my abilities and me. It was the most intimate act any guy has ever done for me. Sexual intimacy between men forces one to secede his masculinity to the other, thereby rejecting God’s design for his sexuality. Sin enters in and both men are shamed. Healthy intimacy between two guys, allows for mutual encouragement and edification as both men grow into the design that God has created for them. There is no guilt, shame or sin in that, only meaningful relationships and trust.
So there you have it. Man do I feel better. Confession is good for the soul. I hope my bravery will convince others to come out of hiding and share their triumphs as well. I have done a fair amount of growth on my own through the years, but Exodus Freedom Conferences helped me establish a little more of exactly that, Freedom, from the life that kept me in bondage. There was a fair amount of work I had to do on my own. I know what my life looked like when I had the consumer mentality and showed up at my local Exodus ministry expecting a contact “healing”. Jesus insured that salvation is free, but the rest of the Christian life takes work. We have to willingly change sinful habits, study scripture, pray and deny ourselves daily. I have met people who blame Exodus, but the truth is they made excuses not commitments. They simply gave up, because a life of denial and following after Christ is difficult. Sure there were rogue ministries out there, but when you add the human element to anything things are bound to get ugly.
When I first began my walk out of homosexuality, I was that guy who told God that I wouldn’t be gay, but I wasn’t going to date women. Later, God revealed how I was a Christian with stipulations and not a surrendered Christian. I changed my phrasing and begin to tell people that whatever God wanted for me, singleness or marriage, was fine with me. All the while, knowing I wasn’t looking or praying for a wife. In fact I would get mad if I found out people were praying for my future wife. Where am I today? Well, a few weeks ago I gave my pastor the name of a young lady. He asked her name so he could pray for her. That answer to prayer scares me a little, but not for the same reason it scared the gay kid I was way back when. Ultimately, it is a good feeling. Surrender. I believe it is what stands between God’s plan for our lives and our plan for our lives. Most of us stand just beyond God’s reach and blame everyone and everything for our failures. At the end of it all though, when you breathe your last, the truth will be revealed. I guess you just have to ask yourself one question regarding the truth: Will it define your life now or determine your eternity later?
Pray. They Need Jesus
We all do it. We make up our mind then build a case to support the decision we’ve already made. New car smell is an aphrodisiac to a 20 something guy as fresh, baked cookies are to the 40 something guy. After we get what we want, we realize the thrill of the chase rather than the actual thing was what excited us. Let’s look at Lust vs. Joy. Joy is finding pleasure in things that God provides. Joy waits and trusts for God’s provision. Lust is the fast food, synthetic version of Joy. Lust comes about when we attempt to recreate joy for ourselves. “I want it right now.” “I have to have it.” “I’ll die of I don’t…”. It’s the difference between waiting for sex after marriage or casual sex. It’s the difference between letting God heal your wounds or self-medicating for immediate relief.
Lust was the order of the day for so long in my life. I fell for satan’s traps, because they looked good and they were easier to achieve. Salvation is a free gift, but maturity, breaking bad habits and living a Holy life all take time. The cost is high. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character.” When we do the right thing, it will cost us the friends and friends with benefits we hold close. It will cost us emotionally and financially. The bible says before we attempt anything, we should sit down and count the cost. It also says we will be persecuted for pursuing a pure and holy life. Jesus was. God did not spare his only son. He will not spare us.
I started reading Job two days ago. There’s a case study in persecution. Biblically, persecution is an integral part of the Christian walk. Knowing this, I cringe when I hear hurting people ask questions like, “How could God let this happen?” or they make statements like “I know God doesn’t want me to suffer.” These are feel good statements, not biblical truths. Scripture says that God isn’t willing that any man should perish, that is why He sent His son Jesus. God is not concerned with our happiness and comfort. If He was, Jonah woulda got a Jetski, Lazarus wouldn’t have died and the woman caught in adultery woulda got an “Atta Girl” and not a “Sin no more”. God’s express concerns are that we know His son and that we love others as we love ourselves. Love is all encompassing concern for the well being of those we care about and those heading towards death. Love is not a “Golden Ticket”, free for all, where we step aside and let sin run it’s course.
The events of the last couple of days are saddening, not surprising. Exodus International closing it’s doors, the DOMA was defeated and California reinstating gay marriage. God isn’t surprised, either. If one of His main concerns is that we know Jesus, then everything else we put our hope in will be stripped away, as God leads us to Jesus. People have been crying out for gay marriage, for years and now they have it. I see it like every other thing we desperately pursue in life. Fulfillment will come for a moment, but eventually people will still have a void in their hearts. They will look for the next thing. Eventually, all roads lead to Jesus Christ, whether we are dead or alive. He is the only one that can quell the aching of our hearts. The void is there to draw us into the presence of God, where true fulfillment lives.
It’s time to stop erecting borders and start building bridges. And way past time to pray diligently, for individuals in your life who are gay or marrying their partners. People who don’t encounter Jesus spend their lives searching for something to make them happy. Let your prayers be lifted to heaven today for your friends and family who are gay. Pray for God’s will in their lives, not their “straightness.” All the other sinners in your life need prayer, too. Hopefully there is another blog for them. God is in the business of redemption. Many of us have walked away from homosexuality. We are not the stuff of legend. The media circus does not speak for us when they say you can’t change your sexuality. We cling to the hope of Jesus Christ for all men and women who want freedom from homosexuality. We profess that Freedom, truly is possible.