He Chose Me
2:32 am- I can't sleep. I just wrote to my cousin in Oklahoma. He is much younger than me. We tried to connect once when I was home, but he is gay and I am ex gay and he tells me I treated him like a project in our short interaction. I have since apologized, but we don't exchange Christmas cards yearly. I felt like I was supposed to share my day with him. It was a great day in ministry for me. Skype guy in Alabama: Cry, Pray, Encourage. Skype guy in Kazakhstan:Learn Russian, Pray, Encourage, Rebuke, Love on him. Received a call from a girl I know about a guy friend who is gay and was severely beaten by his boyfriend in a drunken rage. It was severe enough that the guy moved out, closed down his facebook and is searching for God, spirituality or answers now. I received a call to pray about this guy. We'll call him Drew. She didn't call me praising God that maybe through this trauma Drew will turn straight. She called me hoping that Drew will now turn to Jesus. She called me to pray. And pray I did. While we do believe that there is freedom from homosexuality, our prayer and ministry focus isn't "Get 'em Straight!" It's "Get 'em Jesus!". My second call of the day was from a dad who needed some advice about how to handle his son's homosexuality, porn use and lies. The dad had cooked up some pretty dire consequences for the boy if the bad decisions and behavior continue. I talked him down off a ledge and simply encouraged him to love his son in the midst of a situation that the dad doesn't understand. I encouraged him to take the extreme consequences off the table and instead put forgiveness back on it and a little tough love. Whether the kid is gay or straight, porn is not appropriate for anyone at any age. Also hanging out in certain places on the internet where sketchy adults can lurk, whether you are a straight young lady or a gay young man, is not a good idea. At the end of the day, any child under 18 is entrusted to a parent by God. Like it or not kids, the parents are responsible to God for how they instruct and guide you. If you don't like it, McDonalds is hiring and there is a nice apartment for rent next to the liquor store and local hoochie house. As an added bonus, I have another friend visiting from out of town, who I will be watching the sunset with in 3 hours 33 minutes. Once we have witnessed this amazing view that only God could paint, then we will chatting about Jesus and exactly what a surrendered life looks like. I met this kid years ago at an Exodus Conference. I was his small group leader. He started off his introduction by telling me that he didn't like small groups too much. He didn't plan on sharing or talking and that was that. Well the Holy Spirit and I worked our magic and I have had the privilege of pouring into this young man's life for many years now. Praise God!
So that was my day. Better than any dolphin foot push, killer whale waterwork or the applause of the most affirming crowd I have ever experienced. I didn't make one red cent for my work today, but I feel like a millionaire, because God chose me to do this ministry. He chose me to love on gay kids who want out of the gay life and gay kids who don't. He chose me to love on gay couples who have been together 14 years and those who have separated, because they have heard the call of God on their lives. He chose me to share the love of Jesus, where the name of Jesus can't yet be spoken. This is the best life ever. He chose me!
Everlasting Echoes of Truth
I am still in shock about Exodus International closing. One of my students shared his testimony today at Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida. It was perfect. No one prepped the crowd. He simply told how he had moved in with his boyfriend. Then Jesus led him to the realization that he couldn’t be both gay and Christian. Something had to give. Jesus won out. There were no audible gasps. No one left the room. When Alan Chambers spoke about the role of the church as Exodus closes, he said that churches are now ready to fill the void. I believe my church, Illuminate Church in Celebration, Florida is one of those churches. Are we FULLY ready? No. Are we asking the right questions and pressing in to Jesus? Yes. I spent 20 minutes talking to my pastor’s wife today about Exodus. She wanted to know the what, why and how behind the closing. I gave her a brief synopsis. Then as if cued by the Holy Spirit, she began to quote some of the same ideas and realizations about the situation that God had revealed to me. No organization can step up and do the work the church needs to do and that includes building relationships with the wounded and shepherding them in their walk with Jesus. Then the pastor’s wife asked me a question I could not answer. I know that as a church and a ministry we will one day do our best to answer it together.
“How do we as a church, communicate the love of Jesus Christ to the gay community while still sharing the truth of God’s word concerning the sin of homosexuality?”
We can’t occupy either of the two extremes: all love and hyper-grace or supreme condemnation and fear. There must be balance in our approach, leaving the one size fits all mentality to K-Mart Moo-moos and Cooking Aprons.
I got so mad at Alan Chambers that my judgment was clouded. I didn’t understand. I still don’t. HONESTY ALERT!!! My reaction to the closure of Exodus meant that I had placed my faith and trust in an organization. Exodus had become somewhat of an idol to me. I was angry that there was chaos where there had once been peace. That is when the conviction of the Holy Spirit came in. “God is where you place your faith and trust.” With Exodus gone, I could focus my eyes back on God.
When I calmed, I was reassured in a text from Alan that no matter what we are still friends. Yes, that is right. Alan Chambers is my friend. He gave me my first job in this ministry. He hired me as the Emcee for the 2002 Exodus Freedom Conference. Alan has introduced me to several young men that I have mentored over the years. He has given me advice. We’ve shared more than one lunch at the Cracker Barrel near the office. Alan Chambers has been a hero in my life.
I think of other names around Exodus when I began my walk out of homosexuality. John Paulk and John Smid. John Paulk co-authored the book, “Love Won Out”. He recently came out apologizing for his work with Exodus. It didn’t phase me. Here’s why. John Paulk spoke of freedom from homosexuality and Jesus at a time when I needed to hear it most. Just because he doesn’t believe it any more, doesn’t mean that the truth of God’s word about homosexuality is any less true.
John Smid mentored me at a time when I needed guidance and the viewpoint from a wiser man in this walk. He instilled in me the excitement of a life surrendered to Jesus. Both these guys have recanted most of the statements they made over the last decade, concerning Exodus ministry, but it was too late for me to be swayed by the new “gospel” they’re preaching. They had already led me to the only gospel that ever mattered; the message of Jesus Christ.
My friends, the bible says that if possible in the last days, even the very elect of the Lord will be deceived. Before you point fingers at any of the men above, go take a look in the mirror. You could very well be next. satan is alive and well. He can tempt and deceive any of us. Don’t single out heroes that have fallen, but instead pray for them. Pray for yourself that you don’t fall victim to the schemes of the enemy. 1 Peter 5:8 says it best, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
Ultimately, it’s the message of the bible, not any ministry that is to shape and guide our lives. Do I believe you can be gay and Christian? I’ll let another one of my heroes, Joe Dallas, answer that question with a scripture he quoted. Luke 6:46 “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” Obedience in EVERY area of our lives is the key. Obedience- doing what the bible says is right, even when our heart, hormones and friends try to steer us off course. The bible is not the menu at Burger King. You can’t “have it your way”. A life in Christ is all or nothing.
Confessions of a Closet Runner
I attended my 12th and final Exodus Freedom conference this past week in California. After 38 years, Exodus is closing. Recently, I left my full time job at Sea World in order to pursue ministry full time. Coincidence. I think not. God is afoot. I am excited for what He plans to do in this new season.
With all the apologies, legislation and myths flying about, the good works Exodus has done were swept under the rug faster than Honey Boo Boo can wolf down a chili dog. So, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and “come out of my own closet”. Yes, my friends I must confess that I…I…am…a…person who was helped by Exodus. WHAT!?!?! Yes, I know, shocking in light of news reports. “Apparently” there weren’t many of us. Most are afraid to express it openly for fear of being ridiculed by those who consider Exodus to be a worse than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I can’t hide forever. I have end my silence and share my story.
I heard a lot of conflicting messages at this past conference. One couple testified that they now know that gay and Christian can coexist together. They shared that God had created their gay son, just the way he was meant to be. Wow! These were definitely not the messages of past Exodus conferences or the bible. I listened and took it all with a grain of salt. I began walking away from homosexuality in 1998. A few years prior I called myself a gay Christian. The Holy Spirit challenged my twisted view of spirituality. “I see a lot of gay in your life, but not a lot Christian,” He said. He was right. I called myself a gay Christian, because I believed the lie that I was born gay and I knew my relationship with Jesus wasn’t an option.
I focused my attention on my Christian walk instead of my gay Christian charade. My life began to change. Trying to live a hybridized life of gay and Christian brought this scripture in 1 Corinthians 6 to mind. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
I always had doubts about my Same Sex Attractions. My gay friends said it was the church that coerced me into believing that being gay was wrong. I know it was the conviction of the Holy Spirit that fostered my doubts. Romans 14:12 nourished those doubts. 12 “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” The truth of God’s word haunted me. One day I would stand before God and the anger and attitude with which I staunchly defended my homosexuality would be silenced as God reviewed EVERYTHING. The masses wouldn’t protect me then. My best friend Scott couldn’t vouch for me. In the end it’s just you and God.
The last message I heard from the stage at Exodus was that one speaker had not experienced much change at all in their attractions over the 10 years they had been attending Exodus conferences. I wondered why they kept coming back? Then with a grateful, humbled, softer heart I thought. “I experienced change. I have. I continuously do.” The message I was hearing was not one of change and freedom, but instead one of doubt and a lesser gospel than the one I had experienced. Jesus said in Mark 10:27 “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” To me that included healing from homosexual attractions. The story from the stage was not my story, I felt ashamed at first. I felt like I was judging or even prideful about my victories over my attractions. With the messages of failure coming from the stage, I felt my success story wasn’t welcome. And that my friends’ is when I went back into the closet.
I didn’t stay in there long. I have changed. I have experienced freedom, but was my story welcome amongst the apologies and doubt. To be completely honest, I still have attractions to guys on occasion. BUT…after 12 years of attending Exodus Freedom conferences, I have experienced dramatic changes in those attractions. They are way less penis focused and more situationally focused and considerably less life altering. Guys’ who are tall, muscular, have great hair and great self esteem and self confidence still draw my attention. That doesn’t mean my attractions haven’t changed, it means that I fall victim to the act of comparing myself to others like everyone else in the world. It’s stifling at times. My attractions to women have dramatically increased over the years as I have learned healthy ways to relate to straight guys.
After years of sexual intimacy with guys, God gifted me with true intimacy. I shared one of the most intimate moments of my life with a straight guy friend. He invited me to listen to music and brainstorm ideas for a script he wanted me to write. He shared his vision and his heart and welcomed me into his creative world. He showed interest and gave value to my abilities and me. It was the most intimate act any guy has ever done for me. Sexual intimacy between men forces one to secede his masculinity to the other, thereby rejecting God’s design for his sexuality. Sin enters in and both men are shamed. Healthy intimacy between two guys, allows for mutual encouragement and edification as both men grow into the design that God has created for them. There is no guilt, shame or sin in that, only meaningful relationships and trust.
So there you have it. Man do I feel better. Confession is good for the soul. I hope my bravery will convince others to come out of hiding and share their triumphs as well. I have done a fair amount of growth on my own through the years, but Exodus Freedom Conferences helped me establish a little more of exactly that, Freedom, from the life that kept me in bondage. There was a fair amount of work I had to do on my own. I know what my life looked like when I had the consumer mentality and showed up at my local Exodus ministry expecting a contact “healing”. Jesus insured that salvation is free, but the rest of the Christian life takes work. We have to willingly change sinful habits, study scripture, pray and deny ourselves daily. I have met people who blame Exodus, but the truth is they made excuses not commitments. They simply gave up, because a life of denial and following after Christ is difficult. Sure there were rogue ministries out there, but when you add the human element to anything things are bound to get ugly.
When I first began my walk out of homosexuality, I was that guy who told God that I wouldn’t be gay, but I wasn’t going to date women. Later, God revealed how I was a Christian with stipulations and not a surrendered Christian. I changed my phrasing and begin to tell people that whatever God wanted for me, singleness or marriage, was fine with me. All the while, knowing I wasn’t looking or praying for a wife. In fact I would get mad if I found out people were praying for my future wife. Where am I today? Well, a few weeks ago I gave my pastor the name of a young lady. He asked her name so he could pray for her. That answer to prayer scares me a little, but not for the same reason it scared the gay kid I was way back when. Ultimately, it is a good feeling. Surrender. I believe it is what stands between God’s plan for our lives and our plan for our lives. Most of us stand just beyond God’s reach and blame everyone and everything for our failures. At the end of it all though, when you breathe your last, the truth will be revealed. I guess you just have to ask yourself one question regarding the truth: Will it define your life now or determine your eternity later?
Pray. They Need Jesus
We all do it. We make up our mind then build a case to support the decision we’ve already made. New car smell is an aphrodisiac to a 20 something guy as fresh, baked cookies are to the 40 something guy. After we get what we want, we realize the thrill of the chase rather than the actual thing was what excited us. Let’s look at Lust vs. Joy. Joy is finding pleasure in things that God provides. Joy waits and trusts for God’s provision. Lust is the fast food, synthetic version of Joy. Lust comes about when we attempt to recreate joy for ourselves. “I want it right now.” “I have to have it.” “I’ll die of I don’t…”. It’s the difference between waiting for sex after marriage or casual sex. It’s the difference between letting God heal your wounds or self-medicating for immediate relief.
Lust was the order of the day for so long in my life. I fell for satan’s traps, because they looked good and they were easier to achieve. Salvation is a free gift, but maturity, breaking bad habits and living a Holy life all take time. The cost is high. The bible says that “bad company corrupts good character.” When we do the right thing, it will cost us the friends and friends with benefits we hold close. It will cost us emotionally and financially. The bible says before we attempt anything, we should sit down and count the cost. It also says we will be persecuted for pursuing a pure and holy life. Jesus was. God did not spare his only son. He will not spare us.
I started reading Job two days ago. There’s a case study in persecution. Biblically, persecution is an integral part of the Christian walk. Knowing this, I cringe when I hear hurting people ask questions like, “How could God let this happen?” or they make statements like “I know God doesn’t want me to suffer.” These are feel good statements, not biblical truths. Scripture says that God isn’t willing that any man should perish, that is why He sent His son Jesus. God is not concerned with our happiness and comfort. If He was, Jonah woulda got a Jetski, Lazarus wouldn’t have died and the woman caught in adultery woulda got an “Atta Girl” and not a “Sin no more”. God’s express concerns are that we know His son and that we love others as we love ourselves. Love is all encompassing concern for the well being of those we care about and those heading towards death. Love is not a “Golden Ticket”, free for all, where we step aside and let sin run it’s course.
The events of the last couple of days are saddening, not surprising. Exodus International closing it’s doors, the DOMA was defeated and California reinstating gay marriage. God isn’t surprised, either. If one of His main concerns is that we know Jesus, then everything else we put our hope in will be stripped away, as God leads us to Jesus. People have been crying out for gay marriage, for years and now they have it. I see it like every other thing we desperately pursue in life. Fulfillment will come for a moment, but eventually people will still have a void in their hearts. They will look for the next thing. Eventually, all roads lead to Jesus Christ, whether we are dead or alive. He is the only one that can quell the aching of our hearts. The void is there to draw us into the presence of God, where true fulfillment lives.
It’s time to stop erecting borders and start building bridges. And way past time to pray diligently, for individuals in your life who are gay or marrying their partners. People who don’t encounter Jesus spend their lives searching for something to make them happy. Let your prayers be lifted to heaven today for your friends and family who are gay. Pray for God’s will in their lives, not their “straightness.” All the other sinners in your life need prayer, too. Hopefully there is another blog for them. God is in the business of redemption. Many of us have walked away from homosexuality. We are not the stuff of legend. The media circus does not speak for us when they say you can’t change your sexuality. We cling to the hope of Jesus Christ for all men and women who want freedom from homosexuality. We profess that Freedom, truly is possible.