My Grain of Sand

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   Finding Internet here in Colombia is like discovering a liberal who watches Duck Dynasty.  With no Internet access, I couldn’t find my journal reading for the day.  God, instead led me Psalm 119 and began to share new revelations through the Word. 

            We are talking about heart issues here.  So it wasn’t surprising that God led to specific verses about the heart.  Psalm 119:10-11 “I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”  If I seek God with all my heart, there is no room for secret sin.  Even the term, gay Christian denotes a heart divided against itself, not fully submitted to God’s design for human sexuality.  No one would ever consider allowing the sin of alcoholism to be an acceptable part of life, and homosexuality is no different.  It’s almost absurd to think of calling oneself an Alcoholic Christian, but calling oneself a gay Christian seems socially acceptable.  It’s like describing a color as Black White or a dish as Hot Cold.  My own experience with homosexuality and Christianity bear witness to this.

            Two scriptures come to mind when I think of gay Christianity.  2 Timothy 3:5 brings to mind those who have a form of godliness, but deny its power.  God has the power to set us free from sin, but if call ourselves a gay Christian we are denying God’s power to redeem our broken sexuality.  2 Timothy 3:1 “…There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”  Denying the power of God to wash and cleanse us from homosexuality is one more way we harden our hearts to the truth of God’s word in exchange for the lie of homosexual desires. 

            My life is an example of how God has set me free from the bondage of homosexuality.  I may still be tempted by the images of my past, but daily I choose not to entertain those thoughts give them life.  This verse talks about obeying God with all my heart and that will assist me in becoming free of my sin.  Romans 6:15“So since God's grace has set us free from the law, does this mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! 16 Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master? You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God and receive his approval. 17 Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you have obeyed with all your heart the new teaching God has given you. 18 Now you are free from sin, your old master…” 

            The heart is fertile ground, allowing the growth of good seeds and bad alike.  If I hide secret sin, it doesn’t remain a secret, but alive and active, infecting every area of my life.  If I in turn hide the word of God in my heart, it also remains active and alive, but when it grows it cleanses and nurtures the rest of my life.          

Psalms 119:32 “I run in the path of your commands, because you have set my heart free.”  Oh freedom.  So many in today’s world reject God’s design for their lives, because they feel that Christianity is a set of suffocating, stifling rules.  Worldly ‘freedom’ without God is best described as a ‘Freedom’ of bondage.  The ‘freedom’ I tasted in the gay community will never compare to the healing freedom I have experienced as God “has set my heart free”.

My Grain of Sand--------What did the enemy do to cause me to build “walls” around my pain.  As you may or may not know, I was born a sensitive kid.  That sensitivity allowed for repetitive wounding by the strong personalities of my family. 

My brother was molested at age 12. His sexual curiosity was awakened and it led him to discover pornography and masturbation, which he introduced to me at the age of 6. The abuse he suffered sent him down a path of sex and experimentation with lots of drugs.  changed him from my loving brother into angry and abusive.  I lived in constant fear of him. 

My father loved me, but was neglectful and distant. I believed that he loved my brother and the church more than me.  My father was a strict disciplinarian.  It hurt at first, but hurt grew into anger.  I lost all love and respect for my father.  I spent most of my life rebelling against his authority. 

            My mother was bi-polar and unpredictable.  Living with her, was like living with an emotional time bomb.  My mom loved me, but we had a very unhealthy relationship.  I worked hard to make sure I never displeased her, but it was impossible.  She destroyed my relationship with my father, because she hated men and consistently attacked my father’s credibility.  My mom’s father was extremely abusive.  My mother’s moods painted the vast emotional canvas of my brain with a great fear of women.   

            A combination of wounds caused my heart to harden.  The abandonment and abuse by my family led me to feel abandoned by God as well.  Scripture describes God as a loving Father, but my father was angry and distant.  I wanted nothing to do his church or his God.  Scripture says that God would never leave me nor forsake me, but my experience said something else. 

            Years later as God was softening my heart, He would call me to return to my family and ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness and minister to them.  I went, but I was fearful and a little resentful.  Matthew 5:44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.

The Reality of Pain-------  I have a pain in the heel of my foot.  It causes me to walk on the side of my foot, which causes me to hold my leg differently, which pulls on the muscles in my lower back, which causes my upper back to hurt and tightens the muscles that go up into my neck and I get a tension headache.  One tiny little annoyance, pain or sin can throw your entire life out of balance.

            Is any of this God’s fault?  It didn’t matter to me.  I blamed Him.  Ultimately He could have prevented my hurt and my pain.  Years later, someone once said this, “God isn’t allowing bad things to happen to us.  He is allowing bad things to happen for us.”  I didn’t choose to have a family dynamic that shaped the homosexual desires of a sensitive, artistic, creative boy, but without that affliction I may have never known Jesus as sweetly as I do.  Psalm 119:67 “Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word.
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Psalm 119:71 “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.”

            In college I prayed and prayed like I was told to for God to change my sexual desires.  God never answered.  I blamed God for my homosexuality and for not healing me.  This hardened my heart further.  I didn’t believe that being gay was right, but the God of the Universe who’s bible said it was wrong, had not given me the desire of my heart, which was to be heterosexual and ‘normal’. 

            Many years later, having truly felt abandoned by both parents, I found comfort in Psalm 27:10, “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.”    

            Is the pain in your heart like the pearl in the oyster?  Do you work to cover up the “irritants” in your life so that you don’t’ have to deal with it?  Do you even remember the initial “grain of sand” that caused your wound?  Every aspect of your current behavior can be swayed by simple woundings in your past.  Is reading this bringing up feeling of hurt and anger?  May these words help you return to God with your hardened heart.  Begin the process of letting go of the hurt, the pain and old wounds.  As it says in James if you draw close to God, He will draw close to you.  Whatever the case may be my friends, know this.  Jesus came to earth in order to give us all a new beginning.  He is ready to offer you one today.  You owe it to yourself to say Yes.  

Repost of My Story

It has been 15 years since I walked out of homosexuality.  I wanted to reshare my story on my blog.  So here it is for those of you who have not read it.  

I was fourteen years old when our family traveled to Orlando for a theme park getaway. Little did they know they were setting in motion, a lifelong dream. While in Orlando, I saw Killer Whales for the first time. I was blown away. I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. It took me a long time to reach my goal. I am really lucky. It took the Children of Israel 40 years to find a way out of the desert. I am just glad it only took me fourteen years and that I made it with all my own hair and teeth.

When I tell people that Jesus delivered me from ten years of unhappiness, guilt and shame, they ask me if I was a used car salesman. Saying that Jesus swooped down from heaven and saved me from eternal damnation and the fiery darts of Hell, though true, is a bit over the top. Jesus' role in my life is best described as mentor, friend and constant companion. He cries a thousand tears for every one that I shed. Simon Wiesenthal once said, “Every tear is forever on the mind of God.” Jesus Christ cares for my heart better than anyone.

What could have been so bad? One or two misplaced emotions eventually snowballed into a life that consumed my every thought. From the age of 18 to 27, I lived as a gay man, but I had gay feelings long before that. I was introduced to pornography by my brother, at the age of 6. Age 9 provided me with a bevy of choices about the world. Not only was I called into the ministry through a sermon about Jonah, my brother and a cousin exposed me to six hours of video pornography. I knew it was wrong, but it was mesmerizing and I was getting to hang out with the guys. To add to my confusion, I noticed at an early age that I was more drawn to the men in the videos, than the women. It continued to foster a burgeoning curiosity about sexuality and began a 30 year addiction to pornography and masturbation. It haunted my every day thoughts. When I began to walk with Jesus the struggle always brought up feelings of guilt. How could I call myself a Christian and still struggle with pornography? I never shared any of my sexual struggles in the church for fear of being ostracized. My secret battle was embarrassing, stifling, shameful and inexplicable.

I didn’t grow up in the most functional family as a boy. Who did? My brother was molested by a man when he was 13 and I was 6. It sent our family dynamics into a tailspin that immediately begin to affect all of our lives. I wouldn’t learn of the event until I was in my late 20’s. It was something my parents kept secret and locked away. It repeated a longstanding tradition of not talking about painful or embarrassing things in my family. My mom always quipped that she gave me the middle name Aaron, because she knew I would be a great spokesman. Then, she says, I didn't say anything for 12 years. My thought was always, "Who could say anything in this house?" There were three other people whose voices in my childhood home were much louder than mine.

One of those voices was my brother. In many ways he was everything a big brother should be, but the enemy had other plans for us. My brother’s molestation seemed to awaken a pornography appetite which he eventually shared with me. My brother never touched me physically, but I remember being naked with him and he made a game out of naming our penises. I remember being in my brother’s room watching him masturbate with a pillow while looking at a pornographic magazine. No 6 year old should ever be exposed to that. When my brother moved out of the house I inherited his porn collection by default. My early introduction to pornography awakened a sexual curiosity and exposed me to all manner of sexual situations that culminated in rampant sexual experimentation with other boys from the age of 6 to 13.

Almost two decades later my brother would tell me about his molestation. He said he had battled with confusing thoughts about his own sexuality which led to promiscuity with girls and erratic behavioral issues in response to the trauma. The bad behavior garnered the constant attention of my father. This created an absence of my father in my life. Not to worry. Mom stepped up to the challenge. The family dynamic was that my brother was my father's favorite child and I was my mother's. It was more implied than decided upon. My mother ruled with an iron fist or victimized tears. Dad was passive. Mom was aggressive. I spent my childhood scared of both. My dad was a good provider, but he can best be described as there, but "not there" in my life and ever present in my brother’s life. My brother and I had every material provision we could ever want: annual family vacations, amazing Christmas gifts, clothes, food, etc. From the outside we appeared to be the perfect family, but no outsider knew what was going on behind closed doors. One of the most haunting memories of my childhood happened when I was six years old. My mom locked herself in her bedroom and was threatening to kill herself with a gun. I remember sitting there, paralyzed, on the other side of the door crying and pleading with her. I don't remember where my father was. From that moment on though, I think was afraid to leave my mom alone. It would not be revealed to me until much later that my mother suffered from bi-polar disorder. I began to use humor and other distractions to diffuse the conflict created by having a manic/depressive mom. I did anything I could use to derail potentially tense situations. I became a little performing people pleaser who tried to keep mom smiling, but the stress of that role began to take a gradual toll on my life.

My father was the strict disciplinarian and resident Christian. He forced us to go to church every time the door was opened. I appreciate that now, but was not having it back then. I had a growing hatred toward my father. He had a short fuse. He never seemed interested in my life unless it was Sunday morning. I think my hatred for my father came about as a result of my mom’s continual attempts to emasculate him in my presence. In one breath my mother would filet my dad with her words and in the next minute she was pushing me to build a relationship with him. One family vacation she got so mad at him that when he got out of the car to ask for directions, she drove off and left him two states away. She frequently left him after arguments and took me to my grandmother’s house. My relationship with everyone in my family was strained. I was ostracized by my brother and male cousins. I was distanced from my dad. I was bullied by boys in school. I learned early on that the world of men was not a safe place. So I tended to gravitate to the women in my life who were always softer, kinder and gentler.

I spent most of my pre teen years playing with my female cousins and interacting with them. As far as guys were concerned, I was paralyzed in fear over them based on a history of volatile interactions. The problem was that I still longed to be around them. The gap between me and my male peers began to widen. I was a little boy distanced from almost every male figure in my life.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, well then it’s probably a duck. At least that is what the guys that bullied me in school felt. I was a feminine guy with feminine responses and actions. It wasn't because I was born gay. It was because I learned how to be a human by watching the actions and reactions of a woman, my mom; a wounded, mentally unstable woman. There were other strong female influences in my life as well. It was a recipe for disaster. I never entertained the thought that I was gay until my attractions and the mental impact of the bullying and name calling collided inside my head. For all intents and purposes, I had watched my mom’s life for years, not my dad. I mirrored her ways, words and attitudes. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She is the main reason I had a solid foundation for success in my early years. I know that she loved me and still does. The problem was that little boys were never meant to be best friends with their mom. They weren't mean to be poured into solely by a woman. It's like trying to program a Mac with Windows programming code. Something gets lost in the translation.

When I was a seventh grader, a gruff and tumbled, ninth grader with a bad attitude became my own, personal tormentor. He took it upon himself to call me Fag, Queer and Sissy. I have since learned that his own tragic childhood had left him with plenty of anger. Unfortunately, that anger was focused on me. His hatred further damaged my self esteem and confidence. I walked around in a fog of fear and anxiety. High school was painful and isolating. I had few close friends. I was the nerd who got good grades. I wasn’t the most masculine boy in school so I was the subject of some nasty rumors. The verbal slurs rooted themselves deep in my mind. The bullying further pushed me away from men and toward the belief that I might be gay.

High school graduation to me was like parole to a death row inmate. I had a chance at a new life. I could reinvent myself. Right the wrongs of the past. Act straighter. Date girls that didn't know me. I could become a new person. So I did. Upon enrolling at Oklahoma State I enrolled as Matthew Walker. Since Kindergarten I had gone by my middle name, Aaron, but I felt that the person I had been in high school needed to disappear. I had hoped that by laying "Aaron" to rest that all the turmoil and pain of his life would die with him. Needless to say, it didn't, but I did begin a new life as Matthew. No one back home understood, but in that moment I lumped every aspect of my past into one basket, good and bad, and threw the entire thing into the trash. In one fell swoop I had silenced any voice Aaron would have in my life. I tried to forget everything about my past in light of making a new life. I let a few bad experiences cloud my judgment and my whole life at that point. I wouldn't really learn the impact of that decision for many years.

College gave me freedom not to attend church. When I started college, I finally found the courage to write my parents a letter detailing my high school experiences with bullying and teasing. One night when I was headed back to college, my father and mother were in their car and I was in mine. We had pulled over on the interstate to say our goodbyes and my father got into my car. He recounted the memories from my letter and consoled me. I know my father had spent many late nights praying for me. This time, my father prayed for me in person. Tragically, my heart was too damaged to accept or appreciate his attempts to help me in that moment. I wasn’t ready to receive his love and compassion. I was caught between his Christianity and the growing temptations of homosexuality. I could tell my father that I’d been bullied, but if I told him that I thought I was gay, I felt he’d reject me outright. That was the first of many times that my father reached out to me, but I rejected him. Thank God he never stopped reaching.

College was the catalyst for sin in my life. I left Barnsdall, Oklahoma as a virgin on a bent to have sex. After all, the people I admired in high school were all sexually active. I was the odd man out. I dated a girl and lost my virginity that first semester. Then something strange happened. One day in normal conversation, she asked me if I thought I was gay. Not the typical relationship banter, but I responded with ambiguity and wonder. That conversation opened up an area of my mind that was lying dormant. It was like someone flipped on the light switch in a dark room. Some would say I was in denial all those years in high school when I could think of nothing but guys. In all reality, I can see how the enemy slowly chipped away at my resolve and prepared me for the ultimate demise. Eventually I started dabbling and curiously investigating gay things. After a night of drinking at a college bar, I fell into my first adult sexual experience with another guy. It was Spring Semester 1990 and I discovered a new “drug” that would control my life for the next ten years.

My workout program in college included bar hopping and running from God. I hoped that Jesus would forget me and let me live my life. My journey into homosexuality, began innocently enough with loneliness, anger and low self esteem. In four years I moved five times. One move took me from the dorms to a fraternity house in search of a cure. I believed that being surrounded by guys would fix me. I called it heterosexuality by osmosis. I was desperate for answers, which left me open to believe anything. I followed a Christian friend into the fraternity. I discovered later that he, too, struggled with homosexuality. By the end of my sophomore year, I had a minor in confusion. After the fraternity experiment failed, I gave up and allowed homosexuality to take over my life.

In the beginning, I constantly prayed that Jesus would take my homosexuality away. Night after night on the edge of my bed, weeping and crying. I never heard an answer during those late night confessions. I would wake up the next morning and brace myself to see if the feelings were gone. Nothing ever changed. Was I praying the wrong prayers? Was God even listening to me? One of the problems was that I was going to Jesus with stipulations and demands, not an open heart. I was asking God to take something away that I had a death grip on. I loved the idea of doing the right thing by God, but I loved my sin with every fiber of my being.

I moved through three states in a period of five years. I felt I was moving closer to my dream. In reality, I was slipping into debt and moving away from Jesus’ plan for my life. A few, small, misguided steps became a sinful, demanding lifestyle, spiraling out of control. I invested myself physically and emotionally in every guy I dated. I searched desperately for love and acceptance. Sex seemed to be the toll for the companionship I needed. I was willing to pay the price. Each encounter added to the hollow feeling growing inside. Thank God, my father never stopped praying.

The bible says that in the end days men will become lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God. That was truly evident in my life. I felt I had two choices at the time. I could either live a sad, apologetic life of denial in the church or pursue homosexuality, a boyfriend, just have a fun and try to make the best of my fate. For ten years, I chose the latter. Another verse that rang true in my experience was Romans 1:27 “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another…” There were times while I was having sex with a guy and I still didn’t feel close enough to him. I felt that I wouldn’t be complete unless I was “one” with him, but that type of connection always eluded me. There were times when I would hang up the phone after talking for hours with a guy and would still have violent separation anxiety when I hung up. Homosexuality and lust grabbed a hold of me and worked its way into my heart, my actions, mind and my desires. I was inflamed with lust and the scriptures rang true.

My father told me that separation from God feels similar to being surrounded by friends and still feeling alone. A poem I wrote details it best. “Simple paranoia rages inside me. Surrounded by familiar strangers, I’ve never been so alone.” Man was created to commune with God. He was never meant to live his life apart from God. When we are separated from Him, loneliness sets in. A life lived without Jesus is merely an existence.

When Jesus didn’t take my homosexuality away, I thought I was meant to live that way. The bible says that homosexuality was wrong. Christianity and homosexuality could not coexist in my life. I told God that I was going to be gay no matter what. That decision took me directly to the proverbial brick wall people talk about at the end of the road. I never hit the wall, but let me just say, I could feel the grain of the brick. I started dating this guy I met on the internet. He smoked. He was verbally abusive. He was dating someone else. Not ideal, but I had to prove my point to God. I found myself in two harmful sexual situations and arguments that would quickly turn volatile. I broke it off. That was the beginning of the end. The guy I dated after him was a true companion. He showed me the love and acceptance I had been searching for, for 10 years. I shifted all my focus onto him. I wouldn’t let him out of my sight. I spent every waking moment with him. He was the one for me. He was a guy I could hang out with. He didn’t want sex. He didn’t smoke. And two weeks after we met, he didn’t want me. I was so love starved at that point that all it took was one person to show me love and I was hooked. I smothered the guy. Proverbs 27:7 says “He is who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even that which is bitter tastes sweet.” It was this relationship that God used to walk me out of homosexuality. God spoke to me and said, you have been searching for a guy like this for ten years and now he doesn’t want you. I can show you what you are truly looking for: companions, friends, mentors, confidantes. You simply have to trust me and surrender to my plan and walk away from the failed plan you’ve been striving towards for the past ten years. A few months later I decided to leave everything behind and turn to God for help. Proverbs 27:17 was where God was taking me, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

One event that also helped in the decision making process was that I had recently gotten back in contact with the first guy I had dated in college. By some strange miracle, he had broken up with his current boyfriend and both of them had become Christians. I had known for a very long time that I was supposed to walk away from homosexuality. When this guy told me that he had already done it, it was almost as if the spirit of competition rose up in my heart. I was a little angry that he had done it before me. But after that conversation, I knew that it was the beginning of the end for my homosexual life.

This time my prayers were simple and sincere. I prayed, ‘God, I have tried for ten years to make this work. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t make this life work. Here it is. Let’s see what You can do with it.’ It wasn’t a challenge to God. It was a cry for help. I gave God free reign over my life. On December 20, 1998, I loaded my car, and left Mississippi and homosexuality behind. I was moving towards God, but I was dragging my feet. Matthew 5:6 says it best “The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak.” All my flesh could think about was the depravity of celibacy, long church services and learning to date women, instead of shopping with them. After ten years of being in and out of the closet more times than Julia Roberts on Oscar night, I turned my life over to Jesus. And immediately I became Super Christian and went on to pursue a full heterosexual life with my wife and our 2.5 children. And the polar ice caps melted and flooded Greenland. NOT! Of course change didn’t happen overnight. I needed time to grow in my faith and time to listen to God’s voice, not the opinions of others. I wrote to my friends about my journey out of homosexuality. Gay friends denounced me. Christian friends rejoiced. The rest were just confused. “Is it possible to stop being gay?”

Jesus orchestrated some great blessings in my life. Three days after returning to Oklahoma in January 1999, I went to work with my dad. Working side by side with my father, I was able to establish a bond that fostered my growth as a Christian and as the man God intended. God was so present in my life. He sent me a swim coach so I could pass the swim test for my dream job. He gave me the perfect job. I was able to pay off more than $10,000 in debt. God began laying the foundation of my dreams. Jesus restored my finances. He restored my faith. He slices, He dices. If you call now for only $19.99 you can get this fabulous...just kidding. In short, Jesus restored my life. I looked for happiness and success for ten years in the world. In less than a year Jesus turned my life around. It wasn’t always easy, but obedience led me to answer God’s call on my heart.

God would have never chosen this path for me. However, He has taken my past and used it for His glory. One of my life’s goals is to help homosexual strugglers find their way out of the darkness. I once called homosexuality the Cadillac of sins, perfect in every way, nestling neatly into a person’s life at such an early age. It seems so natural that we are fooled into believing it is genetic in origin. While other boys are dealing with boy/girl things, the homosexual struggler begins to feel different. Isolation begins. Imagine the struggles every teenager endures, then factor in having to deal with homosexuality. Add to that the self-righteous preaching damnation and not salvation. The fear of rejection; fear that paralyzes proper development. I know that type of fear. No one should have to endure that type of struggle. My power to react and my abilities to enlighten are gifts from God. Celibacy has been my practice since 1998. I still have the potential to stumble in my humanity. 1 Peter 5:8 says “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” My daily walk with Jesus and my time in His word, are what keep me grounded. This message may appear to be the epitome of intolerance and ignorance to some. For those struggling, it is one of hope. 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 15 For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16 To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life… I have 10 years of insight into the gay lifestyle. I will share the message of God’s healing power as we are called to do in Jeremiah 1. “...You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:7-8. “They will fight against you, but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:19 "I have pondered many questions about God. Men have forever tried to elevate themselves to His level. Why do we consider ourselves so advanced a species. We need machines to fly. Birds have wings. We need SCUBA to dive. Fish have gills. When you think about it, we need the help of an outside force to accomplish almost everything in our lives. For goodness sakes, we can’t even digest corn, people! Why would we rule out the need for an outside source to govern our spiritual needs? Relying on Jesus to be my strength doesn’t make me weak. It makes me smart. It allows me to build my faith and take part in his amazing plan for my life.

If you are wondering about my dreams of becoming an animal trainer working with Killer Whales, in January 2000 God opened the doors to my dream job. I have been working with marine mammals of all types for about 14 years now. Jesus truly opened up the storehouses of heaven in my life.

“What would have happened if you had avoided the gay lifestyle and had sold out to God at an early age instead?” I believe I might have been realized my dream in life earlier.” I definitely would not have ten years of memories to overcome. God renews my mind daily, but the devil uses my memories to haunt me at times. In animal training there is a concept that behavior gravitates towards reinforcement. I have to admit that the clubs, the attention and the acceptance were all very reinforcing. I received the proper amount of reinforcement I needed to continue on in my behavior. One of the hardest things to do is train an animal to perform a behavior differently than it was originally trained to do. The “old dog, new tricks” sentiment. It can be done, but you are competing with a huge reinforcement history. I can't imagine having a 20‑30 year reinforcement history as a gay man to overcome. The memories of the pornography, sexual encounters and intimate relationships keep a person bound to the belief that they were created different. I have been where teens who struggle with homosexuality are headed. I can say with confidence that by leaving homosexuality early on they will have a better chance of fulfilling their dreams and God’s purpose for this lifetime. By coming out young I had time to repair the relationship with my father. I know a few men who lost their fathers before they ever began to work through their issues. I have the gift of youth so that I can reach teens, before they make some of the same mistakes I made. God placed me right in the middle where I can help bridge the gap between young men and their fathers.

God has allowed me to enjoy the benefits of obedience and the fulfillment of my dream job. I am happy that I came out of the lifestyle young. I hated the presence of homosexuality in my life. I don’t deserve a medal of honor for being in the gay lifestyle for ten years. God would prefer that all of us remain pure and holy. Jesus was born of a virgin. I can’t relive the ten years I lost. God can use what I learned to prevent others from going down the same road. I have a great fear for the next generation. Life has become a combination of parents who pass on their unresolved issues and wounds to their children. Parents of today have forgotten that their family should be their main priority. Our children corner the market on anger, bitterness and pride; emotions they embrace in order to protect themselves from the pain. Those are the walls standing between them and the freedom of a relationship with Jesus.

I have watched God change and reshape my dream over the years. As a boy my greatest dream was to work with Killer Whales. As a man, surrendered to Christ, God has given me a new dream; a new mission. I have been in ministry to the gay community for the better part of 10 years. I have served alongside Exodus International, an organization that helps support men and women who desire God’s true direction for their sexuality. More recently I started a live in program in the Central Florida area that helps young men who desire to leave homosexuality behind, find a place of refuge away from the hostile plans of the gay agenda. I made a vow to myself as a little boy. I promised myself that if I had the power to do so, that no little boy would ever hurt like I did. God has helped me honor that vow and restored a life that was stolen from me at birth.

Heart of Stone...2

Heart of Stone: Part 2

            Our lives and hearts are racked by the ebb and flow of repetitive trying and failing.  One reason is that many of us measure growth on a scale of pass or fail.  Life as God created it and as satan interferes with it, is way more complicated. The truth is that it take years to amass a life and work experience worth slapping on a resume.  I once had a kid I was mentoring, put down his 3 hours as Trainer For a Day as experience on his resume. Really?  Experience is built one day and often one monumental, experience at a time.  Stop labeling your efforts as pass/fail or try/fail.  Let’s adapt something a little different.  How about, “try/fail/learn” then move on to “try/apply learning/succeed a little” and then eventually “try/moderate success”.  I’m not encouraging anyone to be okay living in mediocrity, but a change of perspective, makes the difference between giving up and persevering.  It can allow you to celebrate little YOUR victories instead of comparing yourself to those that are doing things “Bigger, Better...‘Perfecter?’. 

            A few new Christians and some old ones, have similar Christian walks.  They say, “I am going to try and serve God today with all my heart.”  Often times what they are really saying is “I am going to try and be perfect today, because if I sin God will be mad at me.”  When they do sin, they tell themselves how terrible they are and take on a false sense of humility by serving penance for their sins.  I say this in the nicest way possible.  There were only three crosses people, not four.  So get down off the one that you erected and submit to Jesus in true humility. 

            False humility is as self-serving as reminding someone of all the favors you’ve done for them, in expectation of their gratitude.  In false humility, we voluntarily take ourselves back to the starting line and say “I know I have failed you Lord and have come short of your glory and that I deserve all manner of punishment.  If you let me try again Lord I won’t fail you this time.  If you take everything away and force me to start over…Blah, Blah, Blah.”  My friend Sy has a great analogy as to why this just simply isn’t God’s way.  When you wreck your bike 2 miles from your house, you are not magically transported back to your house, because of the accident.  You are still, two miles away.  Solution: Get back on the bike heifer and keep peddling.  I added heifer, but you get what he means. 

            God gives grace and forgiveness to us as we work out, not work for, our salvation.  In our own strength we will always fail God, because of our sin nature.  Success is not measured by how well we look when we try to hide our sins from others.  Success is a willingness to surrender our sin to God daily.  No one who has lived in the world for more than 10 minutes is going to get everything right on day 1, 2 or 567.  We need the consistent help and intervention of Almighty God.  Each morning, the choice is yours.  Wake up, put your life in God’s hands and thank Him for another day.  Our days should never be an all out effort to get things perfect.  They are to be used to give God glory and to do His will.  Jesus met people’s needs, but His purpose in coming, was to do the will of the Father.

            When it comes to confessing our sins.  We may initially confess to one another, but after we commit the same sin for the 100th time, we fear what people will say, so we stop confessing and pride hardens our heart a little more.  That is when we hide, but it should be when we seek out help.   

            James 5:16 Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

            I have more diagnostic questions to ask.  “Do you have a hardened heart?”  “Are you hiding secret sin or unbelief?”  Romans 6:23 says “for the wages of sin is death…”.

            “Are you easily offended?  Proverbs 12:16 “A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.”

            Matthew 24:10 And many will turn away from me and betray and hate each other. 12 Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold.

            “Is there someone you are mad at or have cut out of your life?”  “Is there a name that comes to mind?”  I have a friend whose older sisters have not talked with each other in 25 years.  Their children don’t know their cousins, because of their silent feud. They don’t do holidays or special occasions together.  They’ve made a life’s work of avoiding one another.  Let me ask you, Is that any way to live?  Does this sound familiar in any way to you?  It is finally time to allow God to soften your heart for that person you are angry with.  Or just like these sister, you are going to wake up one day and 25 years will have gone by. 

            Anger allows satan to keep you bound to the person who hurt you.  Holding on to anger is like taking a hit out on someone and hiring yourself as the “hit man”.  Ephesians 4:26&27 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry…  Verse 27…anger gives a foothold to the devil.              

            So after all that, it’s time to ask yourself “How did this happen to me?  How did I get a hard heart?”.  As I began to write this message one of my newer friends called and left this message.

            “In case you didn’t notice, I have a hardened heart.  I don’t want to go to church.  It’s from being hurt week after week.  I am cutting off many relationships.  I’m making a mess of things.  Everything is going down hill.  I have been forcing myself to go.  Everytime I go, I get angry.  I don’t want to talk to my friends.  I just want to be mean, especially towards the people that have hurt me.  I have forgiven them, but when I see them again the hurt floods back in.  It is a huge issue.  I can’t move forward.  If only I could chip away at the stone around my heart.  It’s doing a lot of damage.  I feel like I am changing.  I am not myself.  I’m two different people. I haven’t told anyone.  I have been avoiding everyone.  I can’t receive anything.  I can’t feel anything.” 

            After listening to the message, I thought, man this guy’s got problems.  I’m glad I’m not him.  And I knew that if he continued on in this particular path he was going to be in deep trouble.  Then I realized.  There are many churchgoers that feel that way.  They go to church and smile, shake hands and laugh, but inside they feel rotten, dark and miserable.  My friend was just being honest.  We should all be honest. 

            Hebrews 3:12 Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. 13 You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.   

            A hard heart begins with one offense and over time the enemy makes that tiny offense a life-altering wound.  

            Let’s talk about pearls for a second.  A natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips, like a grain of sand, slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell.  The mantle gets irritated by this intrusion. An oyster's natural reaction is to isolate the irritant to protect itself.  Using the same substance it uses to create the shell, the oyster covers the irritant, repeatedly.  Voila, a pearl is formed. 

            Cultured pearls are created in much the same way as natural pearls.  A pearl farmer will open the oyster shell and cut a small slit in the oyster’s mantle.  A small irritant is then inserted under the mantle.  Interestingly, in freshwater cultured pearls, the simple act of cutting the mantle is enough to induce the oyster’s pearl forming defense system.  You don’t even need to introduce an irritant.  All you have to do is WOUND the pearl.  You get where I am going?

            The process God created for the Oyster to enlarge it’s shell is the same process it uses to protect itself.  We do the same thing.  God gave us a heart filled with emotions that helps us grow, but when we get hurt our first reaction is to defend ourselves.  We build a “wall” against intruders.  In the oyster’s case, something beautiful is created.   In our case, when we “wall off” our pain, it festers and rots becoming a toxic substance responsible for the hardening of our hearts.   

            Just like the sand or irritant, satan works to get under your skin and prompt a response.  Satan’s goal is to destroy your life slowly; layer by layer, bit by bit.  He works to build walls that separate you from family, friends and ultimately Jesus.  1 Peter 5:8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 

                                           Tune in Tomorrow for Heart of Stone, Part 3: My Grain of Sand

Heart of Stone…1

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Heart of Stone

            Recently I was given the opportunity to preach a sermon at a Colombian church in, well, Colombia; South America.  The Parents of one of the guys that I mentor asked if I would preach a message during my 2 week visit to their city.  I had a few other topics rumbling around my head when the Holy Spirit dropped the phrase “Heart of Stone” into the mix.  I was excited about this topic, but I knew what was going to happen.  This was going to be another one of those sermons where the Holy Spirit speaks through me and then hangs me up in front of everyone as the poster child for (Insert struggle or sin here).  The truth is that I have lived most of my life with a hard heart.  So I was well versed with personal experience and lessons learned. 

            My dad was a devout Christian so when the enemy couldn’t get to him, satan got at my dad by attacking his family.  God called me into the ministry at the age of 9.  I rejected that call, because I wanted material things that preachers didn’t have.  I rejected God’s plan for my life, but I would spend the next 9 years hearing the Word preached in our little Assembly of God church.  

            As a result of running from God and a lot of misunderstanding between my father and I, I became the Prodigal son.  I distance myself from my family, because of my struggles with homosexuality and anger, ran up huge credit card bills, got lost in pornography, masturbation and spent 10 years as an actively gay man.  Thought, my life was out of control, I couldn’t turn to the church.  Many Christians said that my sin was the worst.  I couldn’t turn to God.  All throughout my life I prayed constantly for Him to take away my attractions to other guys and he never did.  I ran from God for 18 years.  With every step my heart grew harder.  At age 27 my hardened heart had had enough.  I quit my jobs and returned home and to both my earthly father and my heavenly Father.  It was December 22, 1998 and I had begun the process of letting God soften my heart.    

            God used Matthew 27 and the events surrounding Jesus’ tomb as a foundation for this message.

Matthew 27:62 The next day…the chief priests and the Pharisees went to Pilate.  “we remember that while (Jesus) was still alive that deceiver said, ‘After three days I will rise again.’ 64 So order for the tomb to be made secure until the third day. Otherwise, his disciples may come steal the body and tell the people that he has risen from the dead. 65 Pilot Answered “Take a guard.  Make the tomb secure...” They went and made the tomb secure by putting a seal on the stone and posting the guard.

            Matthew 28:1 After the Sabbath, ad dawn...Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.  2 There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen…

            Well revisit that scripture a little later…

            If you are an older reader you know I have mentioned this before, but it is worth mentioning again.  I was born a very sensitive child.  I used to hate how sensitive I was.  I would tear up when I was happy, passionate or when I was excited about something new.  It was embarrassing.  I learned that God had gifted me with a sensitive heart so that I could sense the voice of the Holy Spirit.  Sensitive hearts were created for God’s glory.  The problem is that sensitive hearts are easily damaged and can be a target for the enemy.   A sensitive heart can damaged by a single event, a single person or repeated offenses by the community.  

            Later in life, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that my tears were my physical, fleshly body’s response to being in the presence of the most High God.  My flesh bowed down, even when my heart remained staunch and unwaivering.      

            My mother was a harsh woman who didn’t know what to do with my sensitive heart.  She wasn’t always the safest person to be vulnerable around so when I was around her, I hid my emotions.  After many years of stifling my sensitivity, I woke up one day and I was angry at the world and numb. 

            I continually suffered hurt and abuse.  I withdrew from people who hurt me. I stopped trusting them. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “I think I’ll harden my heart to protect myself from getting further hurt today”, but offenses and wounding over time caused me to build a wall around my heart.  As you read this blog, please know that you aren’t simply reading the story of a broken man.  God has brought you here on purpose. Listen closely for your story, in mine.  Listen for the hope of God that will soften your own Heart of Stone.

            Hard heart vs. Sensitive Heart.  A hard heart is deaf to the Holy Spirit’s Voice, has troubling trusting God or anyone, is detrimentally self reliant and is full of turmoil.  Satanic influence and unchecked turmoil run amuck in the life of a struggler, in my opinion, is a huge, contributing factor to someone taking their life.  Whereas the various humanistic organizations around the world would have you believe it’s the fault of the church or Christians.  A sensitive heart listens for the Holy Spirit’s Voice, trusts God and as a byproduct of that trusts in others, cares for people and has a peace about it, even as turmoil rages outside.   

            Some diagnostic questions for you.  Is your heart in danger?  Have you been wounded?  Do you make decisions based on your feelings or God’s will?   What do you do with your pain? -- Keep it to yourself?  Rage against the world?  Do you rely on God’s strength or your own?   And finally…  Are you tired? 

Jesus says in Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

            Do you consider your weaknesses humiliating or a place for God to show his strength?  Have you surrounded yourself with bad people or people of faith? 

            1 Corinthians 15:33 “bad company corrupts good character.”

            2 Timothy 4:3  …a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching.  They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.

            I will end, part 1 of this three part series with something my mentor John used to always ask our guys.  

“Who knows you well enough, to look you in the eyes and ask you tough questions that make it impossible for your sin to survive another day?” 

Voices in My Head

Our reading today took us to the pool of Bethesda.  The bible said that “here a great number of disabled people used to lie- the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.”  The focus of the reading this morning was one particular fellow that had been an invalid for 38 years.  Wow.  That is exactly 4 years less than I have been alive.  In the grand scheme of things, this guy had suffered half a lifetime with disability. 

John 5

            5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”  7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”  8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9 At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked...         

            14 Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”

            The man was in his current state for many years.  Chances are he had grown accustomed to living this way.  He knew of no other way to live so he made the best of his circumstances.  He made a life “near the fires of hell”, because there seemed to be no other option.  Then Jesus shows up, as he occasionally does and starts asking investigatory questions.

            “Do you want to get well?”, Jesus asks.  Interesting question.  Who wouldn’t want to get well?  But Jesus still asks.  Surprisingly enough Jesus doesn’t get the Yes that we all might expect, but instead he gets what amounts to be excuses.  He tells Jesus, maybe I did way back when, but at this point, it’s hopeless.  Then Jesus, once again, doing what Jesus does, calls the man up and out of his bondage.  He calls him to “Get up!” Pick up his mat and walk.  The bible says at once the man was cured and picked up his mat and walked.  Can you imagine what would have happened if the man would have just said, “No thank you” or “How could you do this for me?”  Or worse yet, “It’s simply not possible.”  “How dare you suggest that there is anything wrong with me.”  Thank goodness, the man was obedient to the call of Jesus on his life.  Obedience allowed for his healing. 

            Later on in the story, I find it interesting that when Jesus finds the same man again in the temple, he gives him a spiritual reminder of sorts.  Jesus says, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”  It leaves me to wonder what happened if anything.  Was the healed man sinning in the temple or was Jesus just reminding the man that his newfound freedom would need care and maintenance.  That he should guard it and tend it and grow it.  I also like that Jesus said, “…you are well again.”  The man had the prospective of being well, then being sick and then being well…again.    

            Much of this man’s story parallels the life of some of the gay men I have mentored.  I have met some men who have struggled with homosexuality most of their natural life.  Some of these men are in their 50’s and 60’s.  They, too, have identified with the hopelessness the man at the pool felt after being afflicted for 38 years.   They fear that they have been gay way too long for God to be able to help them with their struggle.        

            When I walked away from homosexuality I was 27.  There was a huge span of history and beliefs that Jesus showed up and begin to question.  As a young man just discovering my gay attractions I fought not to accept them.  I never chose to be gay, but there was no explanation at the time other than genetics.  I prayed for God to take these feelings away night after night.  He didn’t.  At some point, I would imagine just like the man at the pool, I began to give up and accept that I might have to live as a gay man for the rest of my life.  I stopped fighting the feelings.  I built a life around homosexuality, because I felt that I was destined to live that way for the rest of my life.  It was either adapt and accept or spend the rest of my life apologetic and mopey.  I couldn’t do the latter. 

            When Jesus’ voice became louder than everyone else’s at “the side of the pool” I finally began to listen.  “Do you want to get well?”, He asked. 

            “It isn’t possible.” I said.  “Leave me the eff alone.  I am going to be gay no matter what.  There’s nothing you can do about it.”  “I don’t even know if ‘getting well’ is possible. 

            Then, for whatever reason, a spark of hope began to burn.  The hope of not being gay and having a wife and kids and a God filled life grew within me.  When Jesus called out to me, he told me to get away from all the random voices in my life and focus on His.  It was at that point that I packed up my car and got up and began…to walk. 

            Healing didn’t come immediately.  I slept with an old boyfriend on the move back home.  Then when I moved home I tried to connect with an attractive guy I saw in Tulsa.  It was at that moment though, that I heard the Holy Spirit’s voice loud and clear.  “What are you doing?”  I look back now and hear Jesus’ voice as well. “Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” 

            I fear for young men who have known the truth of Jesus’ call on their life out of homosexuality, but have decided that walking this out is too hard.  So they return to homosexuality.  Homosexuality was a sin that did nothing, but take from my heart and life, sinking me deeper onto the “pavement by the pool”.  If I could offer a word of encouragement to those of you struggling with whether or not to continue this fight, I would simply say.  Freedom from homosexuality is not the absence of struggle.  It is the daily surrender of our broken sexuality to Jesus Christ. 

            Asking Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life is the first step my friends, but the battle for your life begins there.  Satan wants nothing more than to ruin your life and destroy your testimony.  A true, spirit filled walk with God is not a one time transaction at the International Bank of Hypergrace United.  It is a constant daily maintenance and surrender in an effort to “stop sinning” so that we won’t be worse off than we were before we met Jesus.  Walking away from homosexuality was the hardest thing I ever did, but Jesus Christ called me to be obedient to his Word not my feelings.  I know now that I was born sensitive, artistic and creative, not gay.  God’s call is as fresh and fulfilling today as it was back in 1998. 

            I trust Jesus and believe in His complete healing for broken sexuality.  I found my hope in God’s word, not in the fickle misgivings of human belief and emotion.  Are there too many voices in your head right now for you to hear God’s?  Then step away and listen to the call of Jesus today.  He is asking you today, “Do you want to get well?”  How will you respond? With the spark of hope for a new life or Out of vast expanse of your fear, because of the passage of time? 

Persecution is a Coming

            As I was reflecting on the controversy surrounding Duck Dynasty Patriach, Phil Robertson, one particular verse came to mind.  Revelation 12:11  And they have overcome (conquered) him by means of the blood of the Lamb and by the utterance of their testimony, for they did not love and cling to life even when faced with death [holding their lives cheap till they had to die for their witnessing].  We are now at a time in America where heavy persecution for claiming the name of Jesus Christ is evident and pretty much the way the rest of the world has lived for centuries.   What do we do with that?  Well, I’ll tell ya.

            As it says in Revelation 12:11 the way we overcome is through Jesus Christ and by sharing the story of how He impacted and saved our lives.  This is not a time to embrace comfort and quiet.  This is the time where Christians step up all over the globe and began to share their story of Jesus.  We can’t love our comfortable little lives so much that we refuse to step up and speak truth that is counter cultural.  After all, isn’t that what Jesus did in his day and age. 

            If our testimonies are motivated by fear and anger or simply because we are annoyed with people then maybe we need to take a step back, pray about our approach and then share your testimony lovingly, but not sidestepping the truth.  Usually when I say this to a group of people I get head nods for the bravery I have exhibited in the face of those who hate that for which I stand.  Yet, when it comes to the practical, living it out, call to arms moment, I look behind me and suddenly the room has vacated.  Why are people so afraid to speak?  Well I think the examples of Dan Cathy and Phil Robertson are good reasons why so many Christians would rather duck their head in the sand and wait for Jesus to come.  Persecution, in any form is not desirable to the fragile structure of human emotions.  There aren’t many sober people who look for a fight.  So when it comes to expressing our opinions, we are often a billboard of resilience inside the church walls on Sunday morning, but when Monday rolls around and we return to work, our stoic confidence has retreated and we feel trapped in a foreign world of beliefs not our own. 

            I remember when I was in Washington, D.C. lobbying against, yes I said against, Hate Crimes Legistation.  The constitution of the United States provides that each and every person is protected equally under the law.  The key word there being equally.  Yet, what the Hate Crimes Legislation did was elevate certain groups to a level of protection not afforded to the average, heterosexual white male.  That was the moment that I realized that the gay agenda and other “tolerant” groups were seeking equality.  They were seeking special treatment for protected classes of people.  That year the Hate Crimes Legislation didn’t pass, but proponents eventually rewrote it so that it had different wording and riders that made it more palatable to a wide range of voters.  And Voila!  It passed.  Which in essence means that a white, homosexual male, is more highly valued according to the law of the land than say a white, heterosexual.  That is not a work in equality my friend.  That was the beginning stages of what we are now seeing from the gay agenda. 

            Let’s be honest folks.  Gay people are not the enemy any more than the Christians are the enemy.  The true culprit here is ole Red Legs himself, satan.  He has worked for years to split the church, bring shame to the name of Jesus and was unable to do so for years and years.  But now, satan has a major vehicle that is gaining strength and steam and is taking not only the American church down, but many churches in other countries the worldwide.  That vehicle my friends is homosexuality.  Satan has worked diligently over many decades to normalize the sin of homosexuality and remove it from the list of other sins in the bible.  God doesn’t have graded levels of sin, but the bible does say that he who sins sexually, sins against his own body.  So it may not be worse in God’s eyes, but the effects of sexual sin in our lives is more far reaching than say Gossip or Shoplifting. 

            The time of persecution is upon us my friends.  Satan’s work is having fruits the world over.  It is time for those of us who have had an encounter with Jesus to stand up for the truth and what is right.  This will be the most difficult task you have ever attempted, but God is on your side as long as you speak the truth out of love and not for other worldly reasons. 

Proof that I'm not making this stuff up.

Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty recently gave this interview to GQ and then snubbed Barbara Walters for an interview.  Thus moving to the top of my "You are so amazing list" just behind Jesus, Sarah Palin and the guy who created oreos.  Check out this interview.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/18/duck-dynasty-phil-robertson-gay_n_4465564.html?ref=topbar

Rescued Heart

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             This morning’s devotions were so amazing that they were probably the reason we came to South America.  That might be overstating it, but man this was one amazing morning. 

            Before our trip to Colombia, Josh, Ed and I decided to do devotions each morning of the trip.  Ed had been having some of his Colombian friends join him on occasion, prior to our arrival.  This morning, a young kid, named Nick, joined us.  Ed gave us a little background on the kid, who is 18.  “He’s tough, doesn’t do hugs and always looks like he wants to kill you.” 

            “Wha?...can’t wait to meet him?” 

            Now, the night before, the three of us had some misunderstandings that didn’t disappear in the night as we slept.  They were there bright and early, fresh and ready to wreak havoc on our day when we awoke.  In my opinion the enemy was doing everything in his power to make sure that our conversations with Nick didn’t happen. 

            Our devotions came from 2 Peter and John 1.  This morning, a lot applied to my life, but I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.  Ed and Nick had been studying and talking in one room and Josh and I in another.  When we finally joined up together, I shared first.  I began to read.  No sooner than I had begun to read that the Holy Spirit began to give me revelations for Nick.  Glitch number 1; I speak English and he speaks Spanish.  Thank goodness for Ed, our faithful translator. 

            At some point in the conversation Nick said, I have been studying with Ed for two weeks and you come in here in a few minutes and give me a summary of my life and the last two weeks.   Newsflash: It’s not me kiddo.  Buckle up!  The Holy Spirit in the building and has a few things He would like to say.

            What ensued was a jaw-dropping dialogue from the Holy Spirit; a heavenly download from God’s super computer into Nick’s life.  Nick would come up with something that he struggled with or a question that he had and the Holy Spirit would bring a scripture to my mind.  This happened repeatedly.  It was one of the most, amazing exchanges with the Holy Spirit that I have experienced. 

            A little back story…  Ed was living at the Big Fish House in Central Florida, in an effort to continue his journey with Jesus and away from Same Sex Attraction.  His stay was approaching the end, but Ed wanted to stay in the states through Christmas.  We felt that God had made it clear that he was to travel home for a few weeks and join us in January 2014.  It was a hard decision and Ed was sad to go.  Ultimately, God is in control.  After the conversation with Nick this morning, I told Ed that I felt like this was the reason he had to come home: a rescue mission of sorts.  Nick is learning a great deal about God and the bible.  God told Nick some hard hitting stuff through his conversations with Ed.  The Holy Spirit spoke through me to confirm a lot of their conversations.  

            There are plenty of people in need of rescue like Nick.  Two types of people come to mind:  those who want to be rescued and cry out and those who for whatever reason, choose to remain stuck.  Our friend Nick falls into the former category.  I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you do as well.  Let me share some of what the Holy Spirit showed me.

            First off, if you have been human for more than 10 minutes you are probably in need of rescue.  The bible says that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God and that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  So let me tell you what I told Nick.  You gotta be okay with letting God rescue you.  You gotta lay down your pride.  God allows plenty of trials and temptations to come our way without us throwing in self derived trials and tribulations with the way we live.  Why make the path to God even longer by creating situations with your stubbornness that God would have never chosen for you.  God will rescue you if he has to, but I think His first choice would be to celebrate your obedience…the first time around. 

            Second.  Slow down.  Fast moving cars kills people.  Slow moving cars allow the driver to see what is in his future from half a mile away.  Paul calls our Christian walk a race so that we keep our eyes fixed on the finish line, not so that we finish faster than everyone else.  Life is no good when you are standing alone at the finish line.  Unless you are the most selfish, competitive human being on the planet or are competing in the Olympics, I think in our Christian walk it’s better to have a crowd to share your victory with than to celebrate as the loneliest winner. 

            The Holy Spirit shared that our weary hearts are like vast warehouses full of junk.  They are filled with so much stuff, that even God has a tough time finding his way around.  However, God has promised us many blessings, but He needs an empty warehouse to store them in.  He needs full access to our whole heart.  If the warehouses of our hearts are full of junk, where is God supposed to store his blessings?  We need to clear out the junk and make room for the new shipments that God promises as we walk in obedience to his Word.  

            Last of all, the Holy Spirit said, “He’s got trust issues”.  Couldn't that be said of everyone on the planet?  Most of us say that we trust God, but we don’t really.  Proverbs 3:5&6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”  God is trustworthy.  Nick got a small deposit of that, this morning.  Won’t you do the same?  Tomorrow morning, take your bible to the coffee shop or out to the front porch.  Take a portion of your lunch to search God’s word for the encouragement you need or the answers you’ve been seeking.  No matter how or when you do it, give God access to the “loading dock of your lives” my friends.  Ask Him to help you clear out the junk and trust Him to provide all your needs in the New Year.      

Another Earth Shattering B-L-O-G

When I was in college, I studied Invertebrate Zoology.  Our professor believed that if you teach a student, 100 pieces of information, statistically they’ll only retain 10% of the info.  To combat such low retention rates, he’d present us with 10,000 pieces of information.  Learning in his lectures was like trying to singlehandedly drink the Ocean. I wrote a paper for him on an ocean creature called the Rhizocephalan Barnacle.  This barnacle lives out its very, destructive life cycle attached to the reproductive organs of a female crab.  Once attached, the barnacle sends out Rhizas or “roots” into the crab’s tissues.  These “roots” allow the barnacle to siphon off precious nourishment from the crab.  Worst thing of all is that the barnacle's body rests where the host's egg sac should be.  The crab's behavior is chemically altered and does not molt until the barnacle's body drops off.

The Rhizocephalan barnacle reminds me of a virus in the way it infiltrates the crab’s, body and affects many aspects of it's growth.   Like its “roots”, a virus uses the bloodstream to infect every organ in our body.  A computer virus also comes to mind.  Destroy every part of a computer’s hardware, but leave the hard drive untouched and the computer’s memory is preserved.  Yet, introduce a virus into the hard drive and left unprotected, it doesn’t matter if the computer is brand new, the computer’s brain will be corrupted. Why all this talk of corruption?  It’s obvious.  Sin works the same way.  Sin starts as tiny suggestions in our young minds.  It eventually grows to insure that we are well versed in sin as adults.

The life cycle of homosexual sin in my life began in just that way.  I knew I was different than other boys.  I knew I found older men intriguing, but not in a sexual way.  Thank God when I was a teen there were no gay activists waiting to hi-jack my feelings and enslave me with the gay-proselytizing rhetoric of today.  Thank God I was in a solid, bible preaching church that instilled the truth in me, before satan was able to do more mental damage.  Thank God I was able to do my own research on the roots and causes of male homosexuality.  That research revealed that homosexuality can develop when a child who was born artistic, sensitive and creative (not gay), is raised by a distant father, an abusive brother and an overly bonded mom.   In addition to these factors, peer relationships and early exposure to pornography and masturbation helped to transform my simple and confusing feelings of being different into feelings of being gay.   Research proved to me that there were causative agents for my homosexual feelings.  So don’t tell me I was born gay suckah, because I’ve done more than my fair share of time in the library.

It was interesting to me as well how similar the crab's reaction to the barnacle was to my body and mind's reaction to homosexuality.  My struggles with homosexuality short circuited my desire and ability to have a wife and kids.  And just as the crab's molting or growth stopped, homosexuality is often nicknamed "Peter Pan Syndrome" or called "Arrested Emotional Development" because of the lack of maturity in gay men and their refusal to grow up and accept the aging process.  All of this held true for my life and many of the gay men I knew over my 10 years in the gay community.

From my experience with some gay activists, they are out to genuinely help young people who struggle, as are some Christians.  However, I also believe that a majority of the louder gay activist voices operate in a militant fashion that seeks to add to their ranks rather than increase quality of life to those who struggle.  The phrase "misery loves company comes to mind". Part of the truth to this is that they have now added a 'Q' and a few other letters to their now infamous LGBT moniker.  What does the 'Q' stand for?  Questioning.  Hmmmm.  I fell into that category for a large portion of my life, but not for the reasons that the gay community might endorse.  I questioned the presence of homosexuality in my life, because the bible very clearly calls it sin.  Also, NEWSFLASH, I didn’t want to be gay.  And it wasn't because I was Anti-gay.  I wanted a wife and kids.  I wanted a family like mine, albeit a little less dysfunctional.  For the 10 years I was more ‘G’ than ‘Q’ for two good reasons: peer pressure to “be who I was meant to be” and the feeling that my overwhelming, homosexual desires were unbeatable.   When God gave me hope that I could be a ‘Q’ again and ultimately a ‘B-A-C’ (born again Christian) and give up ‘G’ for good I was super ‘O-K ‘with that.  All it took was the B-I-B-L-E.

I think it is very irresponsible for the gay agenda to encourage youth to come out while they are still in middle school and high school.  I grew up in a town of 1500 people and attended a high school of 250 kids in a small town in Oklahoma.  No amount of bullying legislation is going to protect a kid like me in a town where he's seen as an outcast, where the school system can barely afford teacher's let along extra security.  Coming out for me would have been a death sentence, but they don't  seem to be too concerned about kid's in small towns hearing their generic declarations.

Don’t be fooled my questioning friends.  The addition of the ‘Q’ is not as much of an altruistic act as you might think.  There is a catch.  The gay agenda’s goal isn't an effort to provide you a nice, quiet place to work out your issues as much it is a forum to forcefully and adequately convince you that you are a ‘G’ an ‘L’ a ‘B’ or a ‘T’.  I would even guess that practicing ‘B’s, might ruffle the gay agenda’s feather’s, because even that indecision lessens or greatens their numbers based on all the ‘B’s sexual preference for the moment.  Ultimately it’s not about finding a place to belong.  It is about satan locking people: mind, body and spirit into a destructive life, in an effort to take another unmerited potshot at God and his amazing creation.  I mentioned a catch.  The inclusion of ‘Q’ is not so much that all ‘Q’s can have the freedom to ponder over their broken sexuality.  It's an attempt to increase group numbers and strong-arm those who feel that homosexuality isn’t right for them into one of two places: submission or silence.

I was the victim of that type of "cannibalistic" bullying from gay friends and foes.  When I finally decided to go from a ‘Q’ to a state of ‘W-C’ (Who cares) and then to a ‘B-A-C’ (Born Again Christian), I got a few letters and emails dripping with healthy doses of the hate that gay advocates accuse everybody else of spewing.  Ironic!  The gay community yells “HATE” or “Anti-gay” in an effort to kill all legitimate conversations about the issue.  Don’t believe me.  Count how many times you hear the words “Anti-gay” when someone references a biblical explanation of homosexuality.  It would seem that a community that cries out for tolerance so often would have a few less double standards and a lot more...well...tolerance.  Anyway, the correspondence accused me of being in denial and delusional.  I even had one guy that told me that if I walked away from homosexuality, I must not have ever been really been gay.  Yep, that’s it.  I was just experimental for 10 years.

The same way that satan infected my mind against God’s plan for my sexuality, is the same way he has subtly, over time, woven the acceptance of homosexuality into societal beliefs over the last few decades.  Homosexual rights activists have worked to normalize homosexuality, hi-jacking the blueprints and ideology of Civil Rights in America.  Homosexuality has successfully worked it’s way onto every major network slowly, surely and effectively.  If you don’t believe me, ask some people in your church who would agree that homosexuality is a sin, if Modern Family is on their D-V-R.  satan has worked to the point that society as a whole speaks of  “race” and “homosexuality” equally, without people even so much as flinching.  But if you do object, prepare for the backlash, hate and intolerance.  Ironic...yet again, I know.  The assimilation was subtle and effective and no one saw it coming.  Well, I did, but my voice isn’t as loud as the Hollywood horde, pushing every major unbiblical agenda on the world.

I fired Hollywood for the most part awhile back when I got rid of cable and my TV.  I don’t expect anyone else to do so, but God is calling me more and more to let my yes be yes and my no be no and to call sin, well…sin.  To practice the power of the veto when it comes to information asking for passage into my brain.  You see friends, at the end of the day I think my professor had a good concept.  For me, I choose to put 1000 scriptures in my head rather than 5 minutes of God dishonoring information that comes through the “Hellavision”, as my friend Sy says, and into my home.  Now obviously, evicting TV and cable is not for everyone.  It should be, but it isn’t.  I do believe God calls us to discern between Godly and worldly things.  1 Peter 2:11 Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.

1 Peter 1:13 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self–controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 14 As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”

Living the Christian life is hard enough without having to weed through the garbage that is coming out of California and New York.  I don’t think it should be news that another Disney star took some nude pics.  I live in the city of Disney and personally I think they should change the name to “The Horniest Place on Earth” with some of the stories that I have heard.  What it comes down to is this.  If you were to throw a dinner party in your home, you wouldn’t invite half of your TV celebrity crowd based solely on their political and spiritual beliefs.  Why on earth are you going to invite them into your head daily?  Television shows are nothing more than mental masturbation; a whole lot of mindless, selfish pleasure with absolutely no productive results.

1 Peter 4:3 “For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation, and they heap abuse on you.”

My question to you is do they think you are strange or are there no visible differences between the life you lead and theirs?  God clearly calls Christians to a different standard of living as we live out these last days.  1 Peter 4:7 “The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self–controlled so that you can pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.”

This blog will most likely be labeled as Anti-gay hate speech and I am okay with that if it makes people wake up and smell the Axe Body Spray.   To those Anti-gay quoters, I’d say, put down your pissy attitude and your “rainbow flag” and I’ll put down my pen and my “bible” and we’ll do lunch.   As the verse above challenges us, I love many gay people deeply.  I have shown that over the last 14 years of ministry to the gay community.  I recently consoled two gay men after difficult breakups with their boyfriends.  I prayed with them.  I shared my heart.  I loved on them, because God loves them no matter what.  His love doesn’t change the fact that without Jesus, they are lost.  I know the truth of God’s word.  I know that He has placed me in their lives to deposit truth in order so that they too may have the eternal gift of life that Jesus gives to all who repent of their sin and trust in him for salvation.

God calls Christians to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ.  He doesn’t call us to bicker over whether to light candles, speak in tongues or dance around with flags on Sunday or Saturday evening service my friends.  Jesus is the reason for the season.  He is in fact, the only reason to exist.  We are to live lives as close to Christ’s example as we can.  Jesus Christ wasn’t a messenger of this drippy, soury, sweet love that removes responsibility for sin and keeps people on a fast train to hell.  He came to do the will of his Father.   He came to show us the way and speak the truth first in love.  He told one woman caught having sex with her “boyfriend for the moment” that he didn’t condemn her for her sexual sins and he encouraged her to go and sin no more.  He did not pat her on the head and say I know you can’t help but act on your sexual urges and then instruct her on the proper use of condoms and say “Get R Done”.

We’ve reached a tragic end in our world today when the truth of the bible that actually saves lives is looked upon as rubbish and shows like “Sex in the City” are the method by which we choose to empower women by teaching them to act more like horny, adolescent men.  Really?  We have also stooped to an all-time low when God’s word is simply labeled as ancient knowledge in an old book.  You must ask yourself my Christian friend, “Am I responsible for people thinking what they think about Christians?  Is the lens of my life that focuses Jesus into this world a dirty, ridiculous mess or do I make people stand up and wonder ‘what makes them tick, I gotta get some of that.’ ”  1 Peter 2:11 “Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.”  Matthew 5:16 says “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father who is in heaven.

The gay community needs your prayers more than they need your religiosity.  Pray for these strong men and women of influence: Rosie O’donnel, Anderson Cooper, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Lady Gaga, Elton John, Justin Lee, Neil Patrick Harris and Dan Savage and Ryan Murphy.   Your kids and your family members are listening to their voices.  Pray that they do more than just “good” in the world; that the message of the gospel would be heard coming from their lips.

I write this blog specifically to a few demographics.  Men and women who desire to walk out of homosexuality, men and women who know God and have walked away from gay and who walked back in and every Christian who knows how to live a pure and holy life, but lives like crap out amongst those who are perishing daily.   This blog isn’t written for happy and proud LGBT’ers.  It is written for those to whom the truth of the Word has been revealed.  There are plenty of blogs out their celebrating homosexuality.  There are far less people speaking the truth in love, so that maybe just one more person can come to a salvation knowledge of Jesus Christ.

I am a couple thousand miles away from my home right now, not because I needed a lavish vacation, but because there were three young men who know Jesus, but are struggling with homosexuality.  Over the next two weeks I will be strategizing on how to share the redemption story of Jesus Christ with these men.  I will go wherever the gospel needs to be preached.  I have experienced many men who hear the word and reject it, but as I am commanded in the Word, I gotta dust my feet off and minister to people who are desperate to hear the truth, not silence it.

Early Morning Recollections

I have had to keep reminding myself that I am in Colombia, SA.  I woke up this morning with that “where am I” vacation hotel syndrome.  Where you wake up and your brain has to recalibrate and remember where you are.  The most refreshing aspect of that though is that it wasn’t cause by an alcohol-induced hangover as in many, many years past.  It was simply that I’d had one, long, amazing day yesterday and I was exhausted.  God reminded me of my crazy 20’s when I would repeated nights of alcohol or partying and I would roll out of bed for work, only to press repeat when I clocked out.  God also reminded me that the only break I ever had from the mayhem back then was when I slept.  5-8 hours every day I was free from the façade that my life had become.  I compared that with the last few years of my life, where it has been hard to get any sleep at all.  I have by no means arrived at complete and utter freedom as the world defines it my friends, but as I shared last night with the congregation of Ed’s church, I realized I am finally comfortable in my skin.  And Jesus is the only reason I got here.  I wrote a poem once that talked about looking for myself in the eyes of every man that passed by.  In a sense that is what life was like for me for so long.  A desperate search for value conducted in the eyes of men.  Jesus is the only one man that will love you as deeply as you need to be loved.  Stop searching in the valley of the lost my friends.  Spend a few moments, or longer, this morning at your bedside or in a quiet place and admit as I did so long ago, “I’m tired and I need a rest that fulfills and quenches this eternal exhaustion.  Jesus give me rest in your arms.  Help me search Your heart and mind for the rest of me. ”  Stop striving little brothers.  Stop striving to be so much for everyone else or striving to achieve greatness and slow your life down long enough to catch a glimpse of the Heart of God for your life.  It took me years to say “ENOUGH!” and when I did, I wished I had said it sooner.  God loves you, warts and all.  Jesus is extending his hand of mercy.  As Sheila Walsh once said, “You have never lived an unloved moment in your life.”  Let God show you love today as you prepare to press that repeat button on your life.  Get off your phone.  Get out of your house.  Answer the call of God that has been ringing in your head for years.  All my best.  May God bless your efforts.

Trophies of Rebellion

A private rant made public from 1 am to 2 am in the morning.  From my dark heart in desperate need of light to yours.  

           I just flushed a span of dental floss.  At one point I had three boxes of different types of cereal open on top of my refrigerator.  And a few days ago I threw out an entire box of beard hair from the last, glorious man beard I was able to grow at Sea World.  I had kept it in a box in my locker for the better part of one year.  It stood as a memorial to the captivity work had become during the past few years.  Although Sea World had approved beards, my ultra controlling boss had decided that beards weren’t right for animal trainers.  We could paint them on as pirates in the show, but growing a real one was, well, a pet peeve of hers and after all she was the boss so there I was.  Lose my job by standing up for bearded men everywhere, or slay my manly whiskers along with any sense of masculinity and pride I had left in this world.  Not trying to be dramatic or anything.  Just saying.

            So now that you are either thoroughly grossed out or completely intrigued, I bet you are wondering what 8 inches of Flushed Floss, Three cereal boxes and a box of ancient facial hair have to do with anything.  Simple.  They were all trophies of my ongoing rebellion against authority in my life. 

            My mom stood as the great authoritarian in my life for a very long time.  “Big brother” had nothing on my mom.  She could smell it if my brother and I had done something wrong.  When I was a kid, she wouldn’t let us buy another box of cereal until the one we were eating was all gone.  Do you know how long it takes a little kid to get through a box of Lucky Charms when all he’s really interested in is the Marshmallows?  If she relented and bought a new box, we were not allowed to open it until the old box was laying at the bottom of the trash can.   I always considered this to be some form of punishment my mother contrived in order to further complicate my childhood.  So when I got my first apartment I went out and bought three boxes of cereal opened them all and intermittently ate whichever one I wanted.  I sure showed her. 

            Another story I remembered my mother telling me was that my uncle’s toilet had backed up, so he called a plumber.  The plumber knew that my uncle was a doctor of some sort, but when he found the problem in the line, he assumed my uncle was dentist.  It appeared that the thing plugging the line was a large mass of dental floss.  This is the story my mother related to me when she told me to throw my floss away and not to flush it.  So what did I do when I grew up?  You guessed it.  I flushed floss flagrantly and frequently.  I did it, because I could. 

            Now on to the year old beard clippings.  I kept them as a sort of memorial to my right to choose.  That choice was taken away time and time again at Sea World and it wasn’t always because it was the right thing.  More often than not it seemed like a bit of a power trip to keep the underlings in remembrance of their ranking in the grand scheme of things.  Honestly, it didn’t matter if I agreed with the rules or not or if they were wrong or right.  A woman in authority had told me what she needed me to do.  And I did it…begrudgingly.   As long as that box sat in my locker it fed the flame of my rebellion and anger towards the woman in authority over me.

            As I was cleaning up my room the other night and throwing things away, I came across my beard in a box.   I held onto the box for a moment whilst deciding to throw it away or keep it and God whispered the phrase “Trophies of Rebellion” into my mind.  

            You see over the past few years I have become the person that steers clear of flipping people off in traffic and would never use some of the colorful words that other people use in conversation.  I refrain from drinking and if I agree with those authority I follow them wholeheartedly.  I would never openly behave out and out rebelliously.  But in the secret places of my heart I was mounting a rebellion of little monuments against the voices of authority in my life. 

            I could almost hear Jesus saying, if you’ll do it to them, you’ll do it to me.  If I say something you disagree with, will you gather your forces against me, against my influence?  It was then that my eyes were opened to the little things in my life that represented much bigger problems in my heart. 

            So I made an agreement with God.  To honor my mother like the bible calls me to do.  To honor those in authority, especially when I think they are full of…stuff.  Then a funny thing happened.  People began to speak.  Real people.  Not just voices from the past.  Two women.  One man.  A whole lotta wisdom.  Their words were truth and power.  They fell like a thousand enemy arrows penetrating the source of my rebellion. 

            By loosening my allegiance to that age old saying that has led men and woman astray for years, “IT IS MY RIGHT TO…”, I had made room in the trophy case for something better.  Where death and decay had survived and been incubated by my own will, light broke forth bringing life to yet another part of my heart.  This Christian thing that I do, that we do, is the hardest thing I will ever have the privilege of doing, but never mastering.  That statement kills pride along with my will to fight some days.  But I love Jesus.  And as crazy, moody and downright ridiculous as I am, He loves me.  That shows me there is hope for you, too my friend, regardless of your story.  Regardless of the trophies of rebellion you have locked away in the darkest reaches of your heart. 

Sweeping the Path

I was reflecting the other day on my animal keeping career that spanned almost 2 decades.  These are the photos from that life.  It truly was, "Life on stage"; on display for all the world to see.  I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Gladiator.  "The time for honoring yourself is coming to and end."  There is no doubt that my love for animals drew me to places like Sea World, but I think it was my love for the attention that the stage affords a person that kept me there.  For 6 years I planned my exit from Sea World, but the thought of leaving that "stage" was too much to contemplate at times.  I knew that God was calling me to honor him and submit my life, my need for attention and all the rest to Him.  God has given me some great gifts over the last 15 years.  They haven't come without hard work, but for sure they would have never worked out without God's divine orchestration.  As I look back over my life, the pictures above represent times in my life where I was "in the groove" and/or grossly underprepared and about as inept as those wahoos in Washington, D.C.  Looking back I can say I was a Christian the whole time, but I think my agenda was sharing "stage time" with the dreams and goals that God had prepared for me long ago.  It took me a long time to get here.  Mistrust was involved for sure.    

I grew up in a house where fear was instilled around every corner.  It was as much as part of my day as breathing.  One doesn't simply stop being fearful, even though the bible says "Fear Not" 365 times.  LOL.   I didn't stop being afraid, I just hid from it for many years.  I also became somebody else.  I was tired of getting hurt at every turn so I became someone who could defend, rather aggressively at times, himself.  I let pain, hurt and anger keep me bound and shape my future.  I was desperate for a place to belong; a place where I didn't hurt every freakin' moment.  A therapist asked me once, "What do you do with your pain?"   The reason he asked me is because every time I would bring up a painful memory, I would laugh and dismiss it as if it were nothing.  I had developed an awful habit of deflecting pain away from my heart by attacking it like the body attacks a virus.  I would grab the pain and wrap it up in "nice little white boxes with red bows and then put it on a shelf to be experienced later."  That is what I told him.  The only problem was that I had built up a reserve of pain spanning years.  The memories of hurt could be accessed faster than any super computer known to man.  I wasn't dealing with my pain and allowing healing to come.  I was using it as a weapon against myself and those who tried to get close to me.  I was managing my pain like a zookeeper manages wild animals, having to always be on guard around them.  That same therapist shared this with me of my homosexuality.  He proposed that I had "invented an entirely different life to manage my pain."  He couldn't have been more right.  I became a snarky bitch as a gay man, because it kept people away from my heart.  It also kept them from hurting those close to me.  I have seen that same attitude from many men in the gay community.  I believe it's a protection mechanism.

God recently showed me that during the last few years at Sea World, I began taking more of an interest in training people than animals.  There was also an admission that God helped me make, that I was reticent to talk about.  I had been unhappy at work for awhile and in my drive to set things right, for myself, I had become a beacon of negativity to my fellow co-workers.  Here's what I learned, "Leaders are leading people whether they are speaking positively or negatively."  I was a leader at Sea World and yet I was depleting the enjoyment of others around me, because I was unhappy.   If you call yourself a Christian or a minister of the gospel, you don't get to tell people when they can and cannot look watch your life.  As a Christian, you are always "on stage".  You get forgiveness for bad behavior, but you are responsible for every bad seed you sow that takes root.  Why was I, a man who called himself a Christian, sowing bad seeds?  Mistrust again.  Misunderstanding of who God is and who I am as a Christian.  The misbelief that because I was a Christian that everything was supposed to go my way.  To put it simply: Hurt, pain, betrayal.  The big three that will throw anyone off course.  I let my pain sidetrack me from the goal once again.  Our daily bible reading this morning was so good.  It was like standing under Niagara Falls with your mouth open.  Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."  I was not following the golden rule during my daily routine at Sea World.  I was too focused on my needs to be any good to anyone else. 

"I am responsible for every word that comes out of my mouth."  It's a tough realization looking over my past and realizing that I am responsible for the spiritual and emotional weeds in my life and the lives of those around me.  Another quote I heard recently from Rick Warren was that Gossips are emotional terrorists.  They wage war on an opponent without letting the opponent know they are even in a battle.   I remember the day at work that my attitude changed.  I heard from my own co-workers that they wished that the people with all the negativity would keep it to themselves or just get over it.  When we replay an argument or an offense over and over in our mind or daily in conversation with others, we are giving ancient pain, new life and new authority to hurt us.  At the end of the day, I had a Sunday Come to Jesus meeting with Jesus...of course.  God was telling me that my mission field wasn't just those people in the gay community.  My mission field is every person that says "Hello" to me today, tomorrow and every day from now on.  

Rebuke.  Look it up.  It's a word that Christians are real familiar with when they have their weapons pointed at offenders, but one they staunchly avoid when the tables are turned.  I'll admit it.  When you think you are really doing well and God brings up something you did wrong, or someone you hurt, your first reaction is to rationalize like a champ.  IT SUCKS, but rebuke is not an option for Christians.  It's part of our refining process.  Matthew 5:48 "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."  My bible notes say this, "Not necessarily without sin, but mature and complete in the likeness of God."  I won't be perfect this side of heaven,  but I must make every effort to keep the pathway between me and God clear.  Understand?  A tortured and bogged down Christian will find it difficult to share a victorious life in Christ if they aren't living it.

"It's a new season."  This song is playing in the background as I type.  "To make all things new.  To make me come alive."  How crazy awesome is God, to allow that song to play as I tell you about a new season in my life.  As I trust in God, He creates a new reality for me.  Many people have asked me over and over again if I miss the animals at Sea World and the answer is an unequivocal "YES".  But I know God has called me on to greater things.  There is nothing better in this life than sharing Jesus with others and seeing them "Come alive".   The pictures above represent a different life, a different time and a different me.  The ones below?  Well, this is my life now.  There were years I thought I would never have any friends.  God has opened up the storehouses of heaven and now they just won't stop coming.  My prayer in this new season is that God allows me to "See every face, Hear every broken heart and be the man to others that He created me to be."  That includes a rebuke every now and then and a constant sweeping of the pathway so that new guests can find their way to Jesus just like I did so long ago.  God bless you and those you have chosen to do life with.  We are glad you are here!