Word of the Year
From my devotions: Genesis 18:14a "Is anything too hard for the Lord?...". God remarked this, when referencing the fact that Abraham's wife, Sarah, laughed when God told Abraham that Sarah would give birth. Sarah stood in disbelief of God's words and His promise. Sarah's beliefs were rooted in her experiences and disappointment. How guilty are we of that today my friends? God can't deliver me from this or that. "I'm stuck. I'm hopeless. I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing. At least it feels good and masks my daily disappointment." How different would your day be; if you dared to hope? To believe? To trust?. To do more than let your circumstance determine your level of faith. 16 years ago, I dared to believe I could live a life independent of homosexual brokenness and I took that first, trepidatious out of the darkness of my broken life and into the light of Jesus Christ. Friends and fellow broken people, I dare you to hope again. Don't just give God a try. Give Him your life. Is there really anything that is too hard for the Lord?
Got Screamed at, at Starbuck's
To the man who screamed at me in the Starbuck’s parking lot today, I have two simple words. "Thank you." You thought that was going to go somewhere else didn’t you. I did, too, when I saw him driving slow and leaning out of the window of his truck. For a moment I started having high school flashbacks and was contemplating an escape route. The interaction, however, didn’t end in tragedy or bullying or anything negative. It was actually a cool, little gift from God above.
I had gone to Starbucks to use the last $3.33 on my gold card, which would have only gotten me half an espresso shot, but I anted up the remaining $1.50 and got my usual, “Fully Loaded Mocha”. I sat inside for a bit and listened as a middle-aged couple regaled a young businessman with their stories of having traveled all over the world, or at least the lower 48. I watched him smile graciously and laugh here and there. With each positive response, the stories from the wife grew more grandiose. I walked outside after a few minutes, or I am sure I would have caught the tail end of how this woman’s great uncle might have helped assemble the Statue of Liberty or nailed the last remaining plank onto the Mayflower.
Once outside, I sat at a small table where someone had diligently worked to remove the no smoking sticker from the ashen black, metal tables and watched three fire trucks and a paramedic team clear up the remains of totaled Chevy Malibu on the nearby road. Then he showed up. The yelling man.
I saw him pull out of the drive way and pull slowly in front of the store. I had my bible and journal with me and was somewhere between what should I read and “hey look A SQUIRREL” when the gentleman in the truck yelled to me. He must have seen that I was carrying my bible and felt led to share a scripture with me. “Psalm 116,” he shouted triumphantly. Then he was gone as quick as he had arrived. My fear and angst suddenly gave way to relief and excitement as I turned the pages in my bible to read what God had given this guy to give to me.
What I read was indeed a message straight from God to me; the perfect, spiritual start to my day. I would love to share it with you.
Psalm 116:1 I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. 2 Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. 3 The pains of death surrounded me, and the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. 4 Then I called upon the name of the Lord: “O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!” 5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;yes, our God is merciful. 6 The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. 7 Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. 8 For You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. 9 I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. 10 I believed, therefore I spoke, “I am greatly afflicted.” 11 I said in my haste, “All men are liars.” 12 What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? 13 I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. 14 I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people. 15 Precious in the sight of the LordIs the death of His saints. 16 O Lord, truly I am Your servant; I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. 17 I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the name of the Lord. 18 I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people, 19 In the courts of the Lord’s house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord!
God is for you little brothers. Keep your ears and your heart open to hear His voice.
Back in…3...2...1
I had one question for God today. "Where is the easy life I was supposed to get when I said yes to Jesus?" You can only imagine God's response. Though, when life gets tough, my first thought resembles this question. I am sure many of you have been at the place of asking God the same question or simply giving up. When it comes to the battle with Same Sex Attraction, many of my friends have simply given up the fight. Over the past few years, many leaders I looked up to gave up the fight as well. Satan has used these instances to sew doubt and confusion into many SSA strugglers lives. The ministry of Exodus may have died a painful and calculated death at the hand of it's own leaders, but there are still many of us still choosing to maintain our sexual sobriety and purity in a world that honors sexual deviancy and vilifies ex gay men who have chosen a different path. We don't need Exodus to continue to choose to honor God with our sexuality.
I spent the day fasting and praying. I have a close acquaintance who for all intents and purposes considers me to be the enemy. I am living for the Lord. He is living for the moment. So I took the situation to God today. I asked for wisdom like the bible says. I cried. I whined. I walked. And walked. At one point I paused briefly for a moment to recalibrate. I felt like my prayers had become formulaic in nature, in an effort to get God to do what I wanted. I started again with a more surrendered heart and my prayers were slower, more honest, filled with a desire to trust God.
"Dear God. Here is the outcome I would like. Do what You will. Dear God, I don't feel anything after all these prayers. Help me learn that being in your presence is not about "feeling" something, it's about TRUSTING."
At the end of my last round of prayers, I had reached the place of resting firmly on the fact that God is in control. There will be some tasks I have to complete, but ultimately He is for both me and my acquaintance. God is able. He is in control.
My reading today came from Genesis 1,2 and Luke 1. I started my new/old devotional reading plan today. If you want to join me and the guys of Big Fish, here is the website. www.lifejournal.cc. I am going to be more diligent at keeping up this year. Not because I want to be good, but because satan speaks and attacks daily. I need to put myself in the presence of God so that my soul will be renewed by the reading of the word. For those of you in places of hopelessness right now, there is hope in God's word. Get yourself to the hospital of God's presence.
In Genesis today, God created the world and everything in it. In Luke, God opened the womb of Elizabeth that was long dead. He brought a miracle child to Mary using just the power of His Spirit. The verse I leave you with today is Luke 1:37 For With God nothing will be impossible. Are you facing impossible odds today? Is it your actions binding God's hand or is it simply that God is not powerful enough? We both know the answer. God is faithful and all powerful. He can be trusted. Will you trust Him today with problems you've been carrying around for the past year? You have had your chance to fix them. Give God a shot and prepare to be amazed.
Desert of my Dysfunction
WARNING! Adult Content Ahead! This might feel more like a series of rabies injections than Christmas Dinner with Martha Stewart. The level of vulnerability expressed could only be eclipsed if I ripped open my chest, cut out my heart and laid it on the table. I am not a fan of suffering in silence. This piece evolved from a simple question the Holy Spirit asked me.
“Why do you go to porn?”
Three people just stopped reading. Five others popped some popcorn. This blog is equal parts hurt, anger and frustration; a frantic tie-dyed tapestry of raw emotion. Normally, religiously, I abhor the use of the F word, but today I use it pointedly. If this one blog is the solitary lens by which you view me, you’ve missed the point. I am more than my struggle. More than the use of expletives to demonstrate emotion. I AM a child of God. I struggle with same sex attraction, but try my darndest to make it in a world where I am both maligned and misunderstood. Some will think I have lost my salvation and my mind. Some will cheer. Others will point out the fact that I still struggle with porn to discredit the redemptive work God has done in my life. I am about to go where most Christians never go, but so many Catholics are pleasantly familiar. Welcome, if you dare, to a time of confession.
The question. “Why do you go to porn?”
Because I envy the good-looking guys. I endlessly compare myself to them. Yet I am enticed by them simultaneously. I love the thought of being connected and intimate with another guy. I envy their hair, muscles, masculinity and confidence. I love that they appear to love who they are. I spend many days hating myself. The guys in the movies are fully surrendered and lost to everything. I love that they are surrendered fully to one another, if only for a collective moment. I know that porn is all about fantasy and a false sense of connectedness and intimacy, but these men are fully surrendered, open, honest and naked before one another. Nothing stands between them. That’s why porn is so alluring to a man who has been deprived of legitimate love and relationship with other men his entire life. Guys in porn appear as close as humanly possible, intertwined, committed for a moment.
Take away the sexual aspect of porn and the concept being bastardized is an intimate friendship between two men, comfortable being open, honest, close and connected with one another. Many straight men are afraid to relate, be emotional, share their true feelings or hug without employing the triple pat and release maneuver. They fear being called gay or having their masculinity called into question. This leaves the rest of us, who need healthy touch and connectedness, out in the cold settling for the “crumbs” that fall to the floor.
I know that porn is a caricature of what real relationship between men who love and care for one another as brothers should look like. Jonathan and David demonstrated a healthy connected male friendship. It’s a biblical relationship hijacked by the gay agenda and a relationship that many, straight men live out through the occasional, locker room butt slaps.
A guy at my church, who knows my story intimately endeavored to give me a longer hug than normal the other day. Another guy, standing nearby, asked him if he was thinking of joining the ministry I direct. I run a ministry for men who struggle with same sex attraction. A single, innocent act of refreshing loving-kindness that my heart needed from another man was derailed by the insecurities of an insecure bystander.
I don’t go to porn, because I am a pervert. I am not a pervert, because I go to porn. I don’t go to porn, because I am gay. I go to porn, because it seems that straight men are so fucking scared of truly open, emotional friendships with another man, that I am left to fantasize about what life would be like if the men in the church were open, honest and didn’t give a rip about what the world says. I could kick my porn habit easily. I could give up every false relationship, every nightly, unfulfilling porn session without a second thought. It would mean that church men would have to step up, love unconditionally, give up their position in the Halls of American Male-dom and descend into the caverns of my fear and shame and love me like Jesus. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t care about your penis. When you continually deny me access to your heart, I am relegated to lusting after the loins in my fantasy world.
Now you know what me and every other broken, gay man in the world needs: true, open, honest, realistic, give and take relationship. Will you still be okay avoiding eye contact? Will you continue to shake our hands as your Christian duty, while avoiding, at all costs engaging my heart? Deep down I know you’re just as broken and messed up as me. Yet, I don’t have the desire or the energy to hide my brokenness for one more day.
So I sit here on the outside of your castle walls, begging for scraps; leftovers from your table. There you sit on a throne of your own design: pompous and shallow. You have as great of a need for connection as I do, but I’ve lost the ability to perpetuate the façade covering my pain. Before you utter one, single word of condemnation, I urge you to consider the following statement.
It was my broken heart not my erect penis that led me to this lifestyle for which you feel such disdain.
I refuse to remain silent one more day about the hollow and often hurtful relationships I’ve had with Christian men. Why is it that every post, every confession of my heart is only answered by women or other sexually broken men? If you indeed have it all together, what gives you the right to hold that life giving, life altering treasure ransom?
There is a world of men finding solace in one another’s beds, because men of God refuse to act, pray, or hug. I beg of you to step down from your Ivory Tower of self-righteousness to give me a sip of water in the desert of my dysfunction. The bible says that if we know that we have the ability to do good for someone and we don’t do it, we can count that as sin.
I dare you to love me unashamedly. Better yet, I ask you. Love me. I have a need to be loved. The horrible reality of my circumstance is that I’ll meet that need with or without you. As much as you have led me to fear relationships with you, God has called me into your circles. He has called me to trust you with my desperate, broken heart.
Porn becomes a substitute for the love that you could easily provide. I continue to wait outside the wall of your heart. I am lucky. The others that once stood with me, grew tired of waiting. Bitterness, resentment and loneliness gripped their hearts. They continued down the path in an effort to find solace in the arms of another hurting and broken man, instead of in the gospel and The Jesus that you hold hostage.
I die a slow death every time log on as the delicious poison I look to cure my brokenness slowly eradicates the remaining shreds of hope. You have a cure for what ails me, man of God. If Jesus Christ gave to you so freely, why do you place such a high price on it to offer it to me?
I have long since stopped trying to reach the bar you’ve set too high. I have relegated myself to places where substitutions for love and sexuality quench my thirst for a moment, then leave me dead and dry once again. I beg of you. Step outside, beyond the gates of expectation, societal norms, convention and life as a red blooded American male. I have longed for you to step into my world, so that I could feel confident to begin my safe passage into yours.
Gay men may cast off all restraint in relationship, but you occupy the other end of the spectrum, vaccinated against viral emotions. Let us lay down our weapons, realize we are both broken and need one another. One difference between us is that I know my life depends on it. You have yet to be convinced.
The question remains. “How long can I go on living outside the shadow of your castle?” Better still, “How long will you let me?”
A Fawn. A Random Butterfly. New path.
The young man, Joshua, about whom this post was written, has read it and signed off on it's content. As my old pastor and friend, Joe Saragusa, used to say, the most important thing is "doing life together." I couldn't agree more. This post is a little longer than my other blogs, but I believe you'll find it well worth the read. As always, please keep me, Joshua and our other guys in prayer. We are constantly under attack from satan and those who would sequester the truth of the gospel. Enjoy! Last night around 4 am, I covertly sneaked out the back door of the house. There was no plan to secretly wreak havoc on the neighborhood. I just didn’t want to wake the roomies with a clackety clack garage door a squeaky front door. By the way, it was the Holy Spirit’s idea. For an hour, I walked the neighborhood and prayed. I returned around 5 am, finally ready for bed. This must have been what it was like for Adam to walk in the garden with God. Recklessly abandoned in God’s presence. It was cool, quiet and peaceful. Precious times these are to me. I need them more often. One of my forever friends, Kathy, exhorted me that I am a missionary now. It is absolutely my job to pray consistently and get alone with God.
Yesterday, I was led to pray after seeing a friend’s Facebook post. Now it wasn’t horrible, but satan has a way of spinning things out of control, kind of like the Kardashians or a Democratically controlled senate. What matters most is that my friend, Joshua, undeniably loves Jesus, but he’s still kind of dabbling in worldly things. A wave of palpable sadness and confusion washed over me as I read his post. I prayed, surrendering that feeling to God. Prayer opened my heart to a desire to get alone with God ASAP. Thus my 4 am stroll, 12 hours later. Yes, my day was that busy. As I walked, I prayed over many guys; three specifically. I don’t know about you, but I fight trusting that God knows what He is doing in other people’s lives, especially when I see them headed down destructive paths. I gotta remember; Faith in the Father, not Faith in the Faltering.
A few months ago, I realized that God was orchestrating a shift. The delicate bubble I had strategically constructed around my ministry was dying a slow and painful, perhaps necessary death. It was my first text from Joshua that alerted me to God’s shenanigans. In our first correspondence, He informed me that he loved Jesus, but he wasn’t interested in walking out of homosexuality just yet. In the past I would have bristled a bit in my mind, listened graciously and began the strategic process of furthering my well-meaning agenda in his life. My initial ‘crisis response’ was averted by a whisper from the Holy Spirit.
At our first meeting, I sat and listened to Joshua’s amazing story. On our walk from the restaurant where we’d had lunch, to a coffee shop, the Holy Spirit told me to be open to learning from him. Holy Ghost say what? I was stricken with acute and immediate mental paralysis. Learn from him? What could I possibly learn from him? He was lost, right? He wasn’t interested in following the same chaste path as me. Talk about a train wreck in the brainwork. What on earth would I have to learn from him?
5 hours later, I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit at that meeting. It was like God installed a fiber optic cable between my brain and His heart. I was also overwhelmed at the presence of the Holy Spirit in Joshua’s life and the level of communication he had with our Father. As the minutes ticked by, it was increasingly evident, that God was writing an amazing love letter to Joshua.
My emotional, roller coaster ride with Joshua continues. It’s a new level of interaction for me. We have some very honest dialogue. I feel challenged by him. I have apologized a million times and look forward to a million more. I am indeed, learning from him as the Holy Spirit said I would. My core beliefs haven’t changed, but I am learning, through Joshua, how to better love the men and women of the gay community.
The foundations of my relationship with Joshua were shaky in the beginning. There were times I’d think he was finished talking with me for good. There were times I felt I was through talking with him for good. God always encouraged me to maintain the connection. Eventually, Joshua needed a new place to live; a place of refuge. I always refer to my house as “a place of refuge”, but there was no way I could let someone stay there who was actively gay. We live according to a strict set of rules. He didn’t want to live under those rules. I found myself being ‘that Christian’. I said something to the effect of,
“That’s a tough situation. I will pray that you. You can’t come live with me, but I’ll help you find another place., I will pray for you.”
It took a few days for me to realize just how self-preserving and pompous those words were. My words were completely blocking a move of God and putting Him in the box of my intellect, prejudice and fear. As the words dripped from my lips, my stomach soured a little. I had pledged my life in service to Jesus first and in service to others second, to love them as myself, but…
“Was there anything more that I could do?”
The question danced about on the surface of my brain, like a random butterfly amongst the flowers, defying capture, inspiring wonder. It was all that God needed for a new journey began.
A few days later, Joshua began texting a slew of angry and sad texts tinged with frustration and angst. He said that he felt like God was saying the answer to his problems was to come and live at my house. As I read his texts from the “ivory tower” of my heart, I knew that he wasn’t truly surrendering to God, but instead succumbing to the pressures of life. I read them and began a quiet celebration broke out in my head. God had finally brought Him to the end of himself, but something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel 100% okay with the circumstances. The Holy Spirit led me to question my attitude. Honest dialogue broke out again between Joshua and I. In his honesty, he carefully laid a few more tender pieces of his heart on the table. Even though I had no idea what to do, I knew the Holy Spirit was calling me to listen and be present. No longer could I blindly say, ‘I’d love to help’, to the safe people my choosing. God was calling me to put actions to my words. I was scared to death.
I met Joshua for lunch. I shared my “house rules” with him. As I shared the rules and cost of rent with him, I saw his countenance fill with more anger and frustration. I wasn’t helping him. I was doing more damage; subjecting him to emotion and spiritual castration. It was almost as if I was saying, “Ha, Ha! I have a house and you don’t. Jump through these flaming hoops and recite this pledge and we’ll see what we can do.” Don’t get me wrong. Rules have a place, but when we put a price on what God freely offers, we commercialize the gospel and drain it of its power. Our actions keep those who desperately need God distanced from His true heart for them. It’s like telling a critically wounded patient to wait outside the emergency room until their wounds have healed.
The sermon at church the next day was all about forgiveness and coming to the Father freely. The Holy Spirit asked me that day,
“How many hoops did I ask you to jump through before you came to live “in my house”? ((Insert Serial Gut Punching Sequence…HERE!))
He was right. I wasn’t helping Joshua draw closer to Jesus. I was piling obstacles in his path and doubling the weight of his burden. With tears flowing down my cheeks I repented of what I had done to this young man. I stayed in a spirit of prayer that entire day. That afternoon, I began the process of tweaking the rules to keep the guys already in the house safe, while providing a place of refuge for another one of God’s broken sons.
Later that night, my roommate and I humbled ourselves before Joshua, who was hurting and broken. We washed his feet and hands. We anointed him with oil. We granted him forgiveness and repented on behalf of Christians who have hurt him. Ultimately, we prayed over him and welcomed him in as our brother. A week later, he moved in and the bubble of self-protection that I, not God had tried to sustain ceremoniously burst. To say the least, I am like a newborn deer in this new place with God; wobbly, uncertain but staying close.
It hasn’t been an easy walk. Not because Joshua is bad, but because it’s a new journey for me. Joshua has actually made the transition fairly easy. God speaks pretty clearly to me regarding Joshua. One morning, I awoke to God saying, “He’s not yours. He’s mine.” I would find out later that this young man’s parents had prayed those same words over him when He was younger, “He’s not ours God, He’s Yours.” Wha What? I told you, FIBER OPTIC connection.
I am both encouraged and challenged by my relationship with Joshua and his knowledge and love for the Lord. When I opened Big Fish ministry 5 years ago, I thought I was simply going to minister to men with unwanted same sex attractions. God knew it was going to be so much more than that. I just missed that memo. What it boils down to is simply this: trusting God, being obedient and having a heart for people. God can be trusted to lead the way and fill in the blanks.
Not Who I Was. He is the Great I Am
scripture hallway
It was fall of 1993. I was loading up my shiny, red S-15 pickup truck and moving to Galveston. It was Phase 2 of my plan to become a world famous killer whale trainer. Phase 1 consisted of a 3-week tropical marine biology class in The Bahamas and a separate overnight stay in Paris…Texas that is. I was leaving my home in Barnsdall, Oklahoma and finally pursuing a Marine Bio degree. When that truck drove out of my parent’s driveway for the last time, it was packed with a comfy, college dorm chair, sentimental, knick-knack crap and equal parts bitterness and rebellion. In the driver’s seat was an angry, hurting 22-year old boy. That boy, was me. There were many reasons I was headed to Texas: college, a psycho ex-boyfriend, Shamu and to run away from who I had been for the last 16 years. I also hoped that God wouldn’t pursue me that far south of the bible belt.The night before I left, I packed every, last, damn thing I owned into that little, red truck. I resented my parents so much that I slept on a comforter in the middle of the living room floor, as one last act of defiance. My mom wasn’t ready for me to move that far from home. Her pain was palpable. I sensed it before one tear dared to stain her cheek. She came to me that night to wish me good night. I had already begun to close my heart off to her emotionally. After years of torturing emotional incest by my mother, this cold, callous reaction was simply a defense mechanism. That night, however, she came to me broken, wounded and sincere. It was that night I think her “mother’s” heart, shattered into a thousand icy shards. It was a turning point for both of us. Her words were simple and true. “You don’t have to go,” she said. “I don’t care if you are sick,” she continued, “I don’t care if you are dying. I don’t care if you are gay. You don’t have to go.” “I don’t care if you are gay”. The words are still just as haunting today.
She knew? SHE KNEW! She knew.
Paralyzed by fear, I just stood there. I looked away. I couldn’t let her see further inside. Besides, my eyes were as cold and dead as my heart. I said nothing, but left her alone to face the echoes of her pain in silence. Nothing was going to change my mind. I was tired of hurting, tired of not fitting in and tired of all the lies. Texas was my answer. Texas was going to “fix” me. At some point in life, I drew comfort from her confessions. Yet, there was nothing she could have said to reach me that day. My feet were firmly planted in Oklahoma, but my heart was already in Texas. My mom knew that many of the reasons I was leaving would fall under the heading, ‘Escape’. I had mistakenly filed them all under “Freedom’. It didn’t matter. At 9 that next morning, I would be fully committed to whatever brand of heaven or hell lay before me. That self proclaimed journey into ‘Freedom’ led me down the road to periodic HIV tests, many a drunken stupor and blackout and eventually a heart so broken and deceived that it led to a night of prostitution. The most incredible thing wasn’t that I Survived my self-prescribed journey into freedom. The most incredible thing was The Reason that I survived it.
Jesus Christ was with me the entire time.
From the moment I set foot in Galveston, God was with me. The first guy I dated was a Baptist minister’s son. What did we discuss on our first date? Christianity and homosexuality. This is what happens when God has a call on your life. He won’t frickin’ leave you alone. God was there. Even when I thought He wasn’t. Even when I hoped He wasn’t. Even after I told him to ‘F’ off, because I was going to be gay no matter what. Even then, He never left me, never abandoned me. Years later, I would read the following passage in the Bible, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10. The author was expressing the realization that there is literally nowhere we can go to be to away from God. While I wasn’t so keen on God seeing everything I had done, I couldn’t deny that life with God was like one great, big, spiritual “Where’s Waldo” adventure. My story of redemption through Jesus Christ was one of wooing and chasing, doting and pursuing. I rejected Jesus for so many years. Yet He pursued me. I blamed Him for all my pain. Yet He continuously forgave me. I built a wall around my heart. I pushed people away. I lived in the rancid isolation of sexual brokenness that so many in today’s gay community call “Freedom”. I can’t remember many days when I called out to God, but He never stopped calling to me. I have every reason to daily hang my head in shame, for the porn that I have seen, the sex I have had and the life that I lived. However, the word of God says in 2 Corinthians 5:21 “For He (God) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (Jesus). I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ. What a reason to hold my head high and celebrate. It’s not my any act or effort of my, but by the power of Jesus Christ to save me, cleanse me and forgive me. I am no longer defined by the sins of my past. You can choose to no longer be defined by your brokenness, but instead by the One who fixes the broken. It took me more than ten years to surrender most of my broken pieces to Jesus. Yet it took Him less than a millisecond to say “Welcome Home”. As a boy who had always looked for a place to belong, those words fell like rain in the desert of my isolation. Jesus is still performing rescue missions little brothers. It matters not what you’ve done or are doing. What matters most, is saying Yes to Jesus. The bible says that those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. It’s time; to end one journey and start another. The same Jesus Christ, who took those first steps with you into sexual sin and brokenness, is waiting at the next exit with cheers and celebration.
“Let the children come to me…for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
Journey To the Deep
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Every once in awhile I like to have a guest blogger on here. For sure, I am not the only one with whom God is speaking. Today's guest blogger is a guy I have been mentoring at Big Fish Ministry. He's new to blogging and sharing his thoughts on "paper", but he's no stranger to the voice of God. That being said, please enjoy this post from the "pen" of Nick Botero and the heart of God.
My journey so far in the Big Fish house has been great. I have learned so much and have made many good connections. It was after our recent conference that I experienced great breakthrough. The Lord is healing me from things that I didn’t realize were keeping me bound. A few weeks later, Matthew decided to go on a trip to hear from God and God definitely spoke.
Our destination was Lake Okeechobee. I have lived in Florida my whole life, but I have never visited the lake. I was definitely excited. Before we made our destination we made a couple of stops on the way. At one of our stops, the Lord began to speak. For some reason Matthew felt led to stop by some train tracks. The tracks were right next to the end of the road we were on. I felt like God was using this picture to show me where He was taking me. I felt like He was saying, you have reached the end of one path you were on and I am now leading you to a new direction.
The old direction I was on was turning me into someone I didn’t want to be anymore. I was really involved in my old church. I made no time for myself. I was so consumed with titles and what others thought of me that it was taking a toll on my relationship with God. I truly became the typical performance driven person; saying yes to everything and receiving acceptance by what I did for people, not for who I was. I was known for being the reliable and faithful person that everyone could count on. I’m not saying that its wrong to be reliable, but I was afraid to say no. I was afraid my ‘no’ would let others down. The Lord is bringing me to the end of myself; to a new path, a path of freedom.
We continued on our trip and reached our destination. We explored our surroundings and enjoyed the view. Matthew left me at the edge of the lake to be alone and see what I could hear from the Lord. As I looked out onto the lake, it may sound a little cliché, but a lyric from the song “Oceans” by Hillsong kept coming to mind. “Your grace abounds in deepest waters”. The thought of new direction and transition was a little scary for me. I felt like God was saying, I will give you grace to wade into deep waters. He was basically asking me to trust Him as He took me deeper into new areas that I have never been before. He would provide grace if I would step out in faith. I was comfortable where I was before. My comfort zones were keeping me stagnant. I am no longer satisfied with stagnation.
We’ve been reading a book on boundaries. It’s been a hard read for me. I now see that I had very few healthy boundaries. The Lord is challenging me with this whole experience. I know its not going to be easy, but I’m looking forward to where the Lord is taking me.
“Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waves and breakers have swept over me.” –Psalm 42:7
“For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.” –Galatians 1:10
Lessons From A 5 Year Old
So I was counting raindrops the other day with my friend Zach. Let me rephrase that. We were attempting to count raindrops. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO COUNT RAINDROPS? It’s freakin’ hard! Why on earth would I even attempt to count something as infinite as raindrops. To be honest, it was Zach’s idea. Did I mention that Zach is 5? It was the typical Florida day, sunny all day and then in three seconds, HURRICANE!!!! We were standing in the doorway to the patio of Zach’s house, looking out over the pool, watching the raindrops hit the surface of the water. Zach wanted to play a game of counting raindrops. We began. I counted as fast as I could, using first one method, then another. The funny part was that I honestly tried to count the raindrops. At first I focused on one area of the pool and tried to focus in to recognize each, individual raindrop. I tried to say numbers really fast and get as high on the numerical scale as I could. BTW, I got tired and stopped at 46. It was then that I broke down. I realized that there were raindrops falling on the ground outside and on the roof and in the road and… I had never thought about it before, but there are SO MANY raindrops in one storm. It is nigh on impossible to count raindrops. I called this blog “Lessons learned from a five year old”, but God was working on teaching me something as well. Zach and I both gave up simultaneously. I was mentally exhausted and frustrated and he may have needed to pee and then he saw a squirrel. A few days later a song spoke words straight from God’s heart to my finite brain. Misty Edwards sang these words, “I believe. You will come like the rain. I believe. You will come like the rain. And I believe You will come like the rain. You’ll come like the rain!” WOW! Suddenly I was reminded of my adventure with Zach. Those raindrops that were too numerous to count, just kept coming. Everything in their path was baptized in water. Water ran along the gutters, the cracks in the sidewalk and permeated every square inch of dry, thirsty ground. Raindrops joined together as a mighty moving force, puddling and pooling, saturating everything under their heavenly waterfall. Misty’s words gained new ground in my mind. If Jesus indeed did come like the rain, then that means He is a mighty, moving, saturating, refreshing, unstoppable, immeasurable force; bringing life and rapture. It was impossible for Zach and I to quantify the raindrops, but when we stepped back and simply enjoyed their synchronicity, we could appreciate the sheer power and amazingness of the rainstorm. I didn’t need to understand every component of the rain to know that it was working and had purpose. The presence of Jesus is as innumerable as the raindrops. When He comes like the rain, He can penetrate and saturate every area and aspect of our lives with His love, His power and His presence. If I had stood in the midst of the rainstorm, I would have quickly been soaked to the bone, but I chose to stand in the doorway, just out of it’s reach. I still enjoyed the cool, crisp, refreshing “presence” of the rainstorm, but I did it from a place of safety; a place of non-investment. That is how I have I have often lived my Christian life; standing just beyond the reach of Jesus, enjoying the promise of heaven’s possibilities, but refusing to take the few steps further, toward Jesus and allow Him to inundate me with His infinite saturating and powerful, all consuming love. My prayer for all of us is that we step out into the rainstorm that is Jesus. That we take those first few, frightening steps out of the doorway of our will and into the presence of Jesus where His cleansing love will envelop us. One of the greatest lessons I learned from Zach, as he stood there holding my hand, listening to me count, was this. When I was interested and engaged, he was, too. When I gave up and was ready to quit, so was he. Zach had begun to imitate the way I was counting. He was saying what I was saying and doing what I was doing. I believe if I had run out onto the patio in the pouring rain, he would have joined me. I also believe that if I had let go of his hand, he would have run onto the patio into the deluge all by himself. Jesus showed me how that is the power or weakness in our Christian walks. There are people who will fall in love with Jesus simply because we love Him. There are those who will follow us to church, stand by and “hold our hand” and follow our lead, as we trudge forward or fall away as we lose faith. They have the potential to be held back by our brokenness and mistrust of Jesus or catapulted forward as we lean on Jesus. Our friend’s lives will reflect our freedom in Christ or our bondage to sin. The time for standing in the doorway, enjoying Jesus from afar, has passed. It is time to recklessly abandon our hearts and lives to the heavenly rainstorm that is the infinite and innumerable presence of Jesus Christ.
Cardiac Arrest
Last night I watched a movie based loosely on the life of the Solomon of the bible, called “The Song”. I had spent the entire day prior to our 10:05 movie time celebrating my birthday with friends. The happy, go lucky, fun frenzy, birthday extravaganza ground to an abrupt halt roughly halfway through the movie. Spoiler Alert. The main character a struggling singer marries the girl of his dreams, then writes a hit song and proceeds to let fame wreck his life. It should have been rated O for “O My Gosh This is so Frickin’ Depressing!” BUT…it was worth the watch. Here’s why. They might have been recreating the story of Solomon, but they were also writing the story of every one of us who has drifted away from God when we got enticed by “the world”. My stomach was in knots the entire movie, but it wasn’t just because the movie was sad and frustrating at times. Deep in my heart, I knew that I, too, had been guilty of cheating on God with various “seductive temptresses” throughout my life. I was mad, because I had spent the entire day celebrating me and now God was asking me to focus my attention back on Him. How dare He, right? I live a cleaner, healthier more Christ filled life now than I did 20 years ago when I was deep in the heart of the gay community, but even a little “rust” if gone unnoticed, can weaken the sturdiest “metal”. One conversation in the movie was especially convicting. The main character’s wife accuses him of loving his career more than his family. He starts rationalizing and gets defensive about how his career is good for everyone. How many times have I gone to bat for something that was a whole lotta me and very little God? In recovery circles the term “self medicate” applies to methods we use to soothe our hurts and wounds on our own using drugs, sex, porn, food, etc.. This movie served as a wake up call for me. As a Christian and follower of God, I am called to surrender everything. That includes ways in which I self medicate. I have to admit this people. There are ways I still don’t believe that God will do what He says He will do in His word. And that is this, God would provide OUR every need if we would step aside and let Him. Instead, I build walls inside and around my heart and post no trespassing signs to Him. Yet, I will throw out the Red Carpet to people on occasion who don’t give a rodent’s rear end about me. One of the biggest heartaches in ministry is when a guy I have been ministering to suddenly meets the “perfect” guy. This leads them to change their mind about God and my testimony. Some are led back into sin by the promise of “the man of their dreams”. I used to get so mad at God when this would happen. ‘How could you let satan do this to these guys? Don’t you care about them? Don’t’ you care about my sanity? What about all the effort I have wasted?’ My heart wasn’t always in the most Christ surrendered places. God has recently begun to change my perspective on the matter. It’s like He has posed the question to me, “Where does it hurt more? Your heart or your pride?” God hurts a million times worse than we do when one of His children says no to His plan for their lives. It grieves God when we choose to settle for sinful behavior rather than to rest in His presence. I know all too well, the seductive, convincing allure of homosexual desires. I also know that gay relationships led me away from God’s will for my life. “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.”- Proverbs 14:12. As I sit and judge or nurse a broken heart because a guy I have been ministering to chooses another path, how much more does God hurt when I do the same thing to Him. Pornography and masturbation is one way we all say ‘no’ to God’s healing love. Food and finances run amuck are other ways we try to fill the void in our lives, while God waits for us to reach our body’s and our credit card’s limit. It’s often only then that He bring healing and restoration. God desires to be in relationship with us. He desires for us to pursue the path of His will. His will is the only path that leads to life. Homosexuality is by no means the worst sin in the basket. All sin grieves the heart of God, but the bible describes sexual sin as a sinning against one’s own body. Homosexuality to me, was a consistent and slow-burning, forest fire, daily claiming acre after acre of cardiac real estate. Our pastor challenged us to be “Boldly Humble and Beautifully Messy”. That is what God called me to be when I started this blog. Today, I had a conversation with a friend, who is choosing to pursue God while simultaneously pursuing a relationship with another guy. That may screw with a lot of people’s theology. It does with mine. But…I know my friends heart. I have seen how anointed and gifted by God he is. However, one of his statements shifted my focus. As he shared his heart super openly, he also told me that he knows very clearly that I believe homosexuality is a sin. He politely asked me not to mention it again, because he was sure he would never forget. He asked if we could simply build a friendship and if I could let him work this next phase of his life out with God and not as the subject of my watchful eye. We ended our conversation with a prayer. Then I made a move that some may disagree with, but I felt led of the Holy Spirit to do. I asked my friend for forgiveness if I have tried to force Jesus on him as an ultimatum. I apologized for any moment that I had treated him as less than me or for any moment I had promoted the idea that I myself “have arrived”. I truly know that my heart breaks for these guys, because I have experienced the hurt and pain of using things other than Jesus to heal my pain. I have been used, battered and maligned by people I thought I could trust with my heart. Although I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I also believe that if I choose something else simply because my trust muscle is broken, that Jesus Christ is big enough to forgive my sin, mend my wounds and set me on the proper path. satan has no new tricks. He tempts each one of us the same. Thank goodness, he doesn’t have exclusive rights to the script of our lives. I love my gay friends with a love that only comes from walking a mile in their shoes and from having experienced the love of Christ when I was saying ‘Hell No Jesus’. I trust that God will answer my prayers for them; that each one of them will one day surrender their lives to Jesus. Until that day I will trust God with their lives the same way my father trusted God with mine. At the end of the day, I am learning to have greater faith in God’s sovereignty than satan’s liberal use of smoke and mirrors. Phililppians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Stay in the Ship
The other day I noticed that another Facebook friend had joined a somewhat exclusive, online club; the Facebook official club. For those of you unfamiliar with what Facebook official represents, it’s the act of announcing your dating relationship to the world via Facebook. The Facebook Official proclamation falls somewhere between “You’re kinda cute” and “I wanna have yo baby”. Oftentimes it announces a relationship previously in progress. One trend I am noticing is that gay couples are using it to announce their relationships, but as a way of coming out to friends and family who might not have a clue. This is where I found myself the other day. I was trolling the newsfeed, looking for funny videos, searching for a daily life slogan and catching up on the latest political and social gaffes that Barack or Michelle had perpetrated on the highly esteemed office of POTUS or FLOTUS. I happened upon a guy that I shared my testimony with about 10 years ago. We have been facebook “friends” this entire time. We met at a Christian, collegiate conference called Sonburst. I spoke at the conference and shared about Jesus and leaving homosexuality with a group of about 100 students. One of the students grabbed my email and shared his similar struggle with same sex attraction. We met to hangout and conversed off and on for a few years. Eventually he moved and the lines of communication grew quiet. The cold hard fact about Facebook though is that you can think you know so much about a person and still know so very little about their lives. I saw that my friend had announced that he was Facebook Official with a guy. I know I hadn’t talked to him in years, but my heart sank. Homosexuality develops as a result of brokenness in relationships and other developmental factors. I hate to see that someone has simply resigned himself to a life built on a foundation of dysfunction. It hurts my heart to see any man, let alone the men who know the truth of the bible regarding homosexuality, choose a different path than the one that God has ordained for all men. Homosexuality is not in God’s plan for us. It is simply not His best for his creation. No matter how many times gay christians manipulate and twist scripture to suit their need or omit the bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts, it doesn’t change the fact that God designed man for woman and woman for man and that any sexual relationship outside of marriage is sin. So there I was, reading and disbelieving my friend’s post. My heart sank a little further as read the comments below in support of his proclamation; nothing but “love” for this man and his relationship. Then I began to wonder, how will he know the truth if no one tells them? How will they find their way back to the will people know the truth of God if they are surrounded by only by the voices of sinful, broken people? I knew I needed to once again, share the truth in love with my friend. I felt in my heart that a loving, compassionate, private message was the way to go. I simply said, I saw your post about dating a guy. I remember where we met and what we talked about together. I have continued my walk out of homosexuality. Homosexuality is not God’s best for you. His reply came a few days later. My friend was no longer the receptive young 20 something that had pursued me for the truth. His reply represented the burgeoning and hybridized viewpoint of many gay Christians today: a little bit of truth mixed with some misinterpreted scripture and a whole lot of defensiveness. It was hurtful, but I understand his response. You are living your happy life, that you have fought hard for and some guy sends you a message after 10 years to tell you that he doesn’t feel that you are doing the right thing and he calls out your relationship with God in the process. Even though my intention was nothing but true love, what I did was put him on guard. So what is the proper response. I wouldn’t change the fact that I spoke truth to my friend, but I would change the fact that I didn’t invite God in to help me process my friends announcement the minute that I read it. I knew I needed to be the only voice of spiritual reason in my friend’s life, but my response was reactive, not relational. My friend said something that stuck in my throat and put a knot in my stomach. He said, unless I had been talking to God on his behalf for the last ten years, I had no idea what God’s plan was for him. Though there’s truth and falsehood to that statement, it was a convicting thought. How much had I prayed for this boy over the last 10 years? How much had I even involved myself in his life? These were all ponderings I took to God in prayer. I knew that a three sentence Facebook message wasn’t going to bring down the power of the Holy Spirit and immediately bring conviction to my friend. I did believe that it would start a dialogue not a “forest fire”. Over the next couple of days, I took my friend’s name before the Lord. I asked for forgiveness for not praying for him more. I asked God for intervention and healing in his life. The entire event has led me to pray more attentively for guys I am mentoring, have mentored or simply gay men I see when I am out and about. I don’t have all the time in the world to pray for every guy, but I know that a number of them have given up on God and given up on walking away from homosexuality. Many have resigned themselves to a form of spirituality called gay christianity as a means of managing their homosexual desires and their desire to serve Christ. I know all too well the battle that rages on in one’s head regarding Christianity and homosexuality. I tried for years to comingle the two. At the end of the day, gay chrisitianity isn’t a life of denying oneself daily, taking up your cross and following Christ, but a patchwork quilt of partial obedience to certain scriptures and a complete disregard of scriptures condemning homosexual practices. I have been led to pray differently for them. Scripture says in Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;”. God is faithful to save our loved ones from the bondage of sin. We must not have more faith that satan has our friends bound, but extreme trust that God is at work in their lives. We must in fact, trust in the Lord with all of our heart. God loves our loved ones and friends so much more than we do. He created them. My prayer for each one of the men I pray for is that they would know God more and more each day. When it comes to the LGBT community, there seem to be two schools of thought, “Support them fully or you’re anti-gay” and “Condemn them completely, because they are all lost”. Personally, I don’t subscribe to either. I can’t support their pursuit of things outside the scope of God’s will for them, but I can love them as God’s creation and hope that one day they all become children of God through an active relationship with Jesus. Even as the world blindly and unwittingly supports all things LGBT, we as Christians must share the truth in love, risk facing persecution and stand before God bearing the names of gay identified men and women in our lives. A while back, I was led Acts 27. Paul is traveling by ship to stand trial before Caesar. Acts 27:23 Paul says, “Last night an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I serve stood beside me 24 and said, ‘Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you.” I was moved by the Holy Spirit to ask God to graciously give me the lives of “the men traveling with me in my ship”. I felt led by the Holy Spirit to speak out the names of the men in my life. God warned Paul that the men must remain on the ship for their life to be spared. Inevitably in ministry there are men who chose to ignore the warning and jump ship even as others heed the warning and remain with the ship regardless of the impending doom they see. Prayerfully, I’m asking God to spare the lives of the men in the “ship in my mind”. It is not God’s will that anyone should perish.
Desperate Quest for Answers
The year was 1997. I had just started “dating” the second to the last guy I would ever date. I was working as an animal trainer in Gulfport, Mississippi. The guy’s name was Matt. I had been seeing him only a few weeks, but had already given away my heart and my body. I wanted desperately for him to come to see me perform in a dolphin show. He always refused the invite. I felt rejected. I persisted in asking. When I stopped begging, he finally showed up, but he attended each show with a calm disinterest. It was this behavior that drew me further into his world, seeking his approval. It was one of many mind games he would play. I had plenty of chances to leave him, but as horrible as he was, he was all I had. I look back now and wonder What The Helicopter was I thinking? The truth is, I was set up to fall prey to guys like Matt way back in my childhood. I was born a sensitive boy, with a distant dad, an abusive brother and a growing “natural” dislike for other guys. The chasm between myself and other boys further widened, because history would show me that men interactions with men were harsh and hurtful. As much as I "hated" men, I grew up with a deep longing to be one of them; a regular guy connecting with other guys on a deeper level. It was a simple, non-sexual desire to be with guys at first. That deep need to belong went unmet for years. Then a guy named Jamie took me to my first gay club.
Just like Alice, I stumbled hard and fast down the rabbit hole into a fabulous, new world. For the first time in my life I was meeting men I could identify with; men like me. My desperate need to be a part of the world of men veered off course that night. These new guys, looked and acted like regular guys, but they were a new breed of men altogether; showing interest in me, paying me compliments, listening and giving me the attention I desperately desired.
I grew up wandering around as an uninvited guest in the world of men, but these new guys welcomed me wholeheartedly. I found the attention enticing; gripping. During those first intoxicating moments I was enveloped by the social quicksand of the gay culture wouldn't see the light of day for 10 years. That night I was introduced to the savior I would serve religiously for the next ten years; the god of approval. Whoever listened, whoever stopped for more than a second look was rewarded with a piece of my soul. My deep seeded emotional need was met and it deafened me to the cacophonous cry of my wounded heart screaming over and over: “TURN BACK! TURN AROUND! DON’T DO THIS!” It was a track that would play repeatedly in the background of my life for the next ten years, but I became as adept at tuning it out as I did the voice of the Holy Spirit.
Years later, the Matt mentioned above, would come along and find me desperate again. I had worked tirelessly to suppress all things gay for months. I even dated a girl. The landscape of my life was devoid of even one connected male peer. The hungry false god of approval I had pledged my heart to so many years before cried out for a sacrifice. I was starved for attention. I was living my dream, but had no one to share it with. There was no one to come home to at a day’s end and worse yet, no one to simply say “good job”. I was terminally in desperate need of someone to convince me of my value, pay attention to me and give me worth. The trouble was that I rarely searched for these things in the presence of God, but instead mined endlessly in the exhausted quarries of the human genome.
I would later identify why guys like Matt had such a mesmerizing hold on me. My fractured relationships with my father and other men had forced me to wander the desert with other fractured men who had suffered the same fate. I was desperately searching for a man to affirm my masculinity; to approve of me as a man, but I was doing it in a world of broken men. I never received real affirmation of my masculinity from my real father and it left a deep, desperate longing in my heart to simply be loved and cherished by a man, a “father” if you will. I submitted myself to an endless parade of men over the years, hoping that just one might quell the torturous ache in my heart. No one ever did.
This entire blog came about, because of the following question I felt I heard from the Holy Spirit. “Do you share your testimony to lead people to worship and adore you?” or “Do you share your story of rapture from “no man’s” land to lead people to worship Jesus; in whose arms your search for value and affirmation ended?” Let the daily quest for all of our answers begin.
John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. 4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. 5 And the light shines in the darkness…
John 1:14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.
Sin Betrayed by a Heart Exposed
As I type the first few words of this blog I am running a race against a computer that has only 35% battery left. I left my cord at a friend’s house last weekend. 34% and I am powerless. Anyway. I was reading my morning devotion this morning, as I do 5 days out of 7 most weeks. I want to be more consistent with my devotion to God’s word; as consistent as I used to be with pornography and masturbation. I never used to miss a day of self-gratification. There never seemed to be a reason to miss it. After all, “it wasn’t hurting anyone right?” Well that is a blog for another day. Suffice to say that pornography and masturbation are a daily dose of gasoline that kept the dim, yet still active fire of homosexuality burning in my life. When I surrendered that to God, my temptations to look at gay porn and my need to find a man to fulfill me began to fade away. The knowledge and wisdom I gleaned from morning devotions today was so worth sharing. We have been reading a lot in Isaiah. And every day I have been depressed and a little saddened, because of my lack of understanding of the book. I’d pray every morning before we read and I would get little tidbits of wisdom here and there, but never any meat. I kept entertaining thoughts that I must just be out of touch with God. After all, I was reading the bible, as I was encouraging others to do and here I was, bankrupt. ARGHHHHH! Then today happened.
I was staring down the barrel of three chapters in Isaiah. I could feel the anxiety begin to rise, but we prayed as usual and I hoped for God to illuminate something for me. WOW! Let’s just say the brightness of the sun was a matchstick compared with what God showed me. Isaiah 58:9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ “If you take away the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, 10 If you extend your soul to the hungry And satisfy the afflicted soul, Then your light shall dawn in the darkness, And your darkness shall be as the noonday. 11 The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
Isaiah 58:13 “If you turn away your foot from the Sabbath, From doing your pleasure on My holy day, And call the Sabbath a delight, The holy day of the Lord honorable, And shall honor Him, not doing your own ways, Nor finding your own pleasure, Nor speaking your own words, 14 Then you shall delight yourself in the Lord; And I will cause you to ride on the high hills of the earth, And feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father. The mouth of the Lord has spoken.” What I got from these two verses was God’s response in times of obedience and walking according to his commandments. If you do these things God says, then I will do these things. I longed to honor God’s commandments in my life, because I know what life is like when I live according the gospel of Matthew Aaron Walker. I left my heart leap in my chest my friend when I read verse 11. The Lord will guide you continually, satisfy your soul in drought, strengthen your bones and that you shall be watered like a garden and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. I long for that kind of refreshing each and every day. We all wake each morning with a hunger and thirst of some sort, waiting to be quenched. I challenge you to see that hunger and thirst through the eyes of your spirit and not through the eyes of your flesh. One way will lead you to God and the other will lead you to man. One way will cause your hunger and thirst to deepen and lead you down a path of self-discovery. The other will satiate your needs, help you meet the needs of others and lead you on a journey of spiritual discovery.
I can do nothing without Jesus Christ in my life. I hated that statement when I was fighting to make a name for myself. I still fight against that statement at times, when I seek to find my value in the applause of man. At the end of the day, I know that there is no truer of a statement. The mercy of God in my opinion, is that the more I learn of His love and wisdom, the less he allows me to run in times of trouble. I struggle a great deal with self-confidence and situational depression. I stepped out into full time ministry over a year ago. It was amazing at first, when I had expendable cash. As my funds have depleted, it was slowly and painfully more evident what I had placed my trust in; funding, not the God who had called me into ministry. I have always suffered by repeating the pattern of falling back into pornography and masturbation when I think God has forgotten me, times get tough and my future is uncertain. All of a sudden I stop trusting the God who honored his promise just last week, I lose faith in the Holy Scriptures and I cry and whine as if my struggles are greater than the suffering of Jesus on the way to the cross. A few weeks later I will usually crawl back into the presence of God, apologize profusely and ask just what He was trying to teach me. It’s never what I ever expect.
The last few months have been filled with great turmoil for a guy in ministry such as myself. I had two major donors peace out, a go to donor peace out as well and two guys leave the residential program I run. That was like “superman leveling a building worthy ridiculousness” if you ask me. I felt like I had made a mistake in stepping out when I did. I felt betrayed by a bunch of people. And I started to have to use my credit cards to get by here and there. Not the picture perfect ideal way to start a World Changing Ministry right? Well. Once I had brewed myself a cup of “Shut the Heck up and Get back to Work” tea, the phone started ringing again. God started leading people to the ministry. And I started talking to God and confessing to my pastor and asking for help to make sure that I don’t fall prey to depression and self-pity. I also began to teach myself some pretty amazing things. No matter who shows up at my door or on the screen of my phone, I won’t compromise the things of God. I know that there are certain things are not optional for me anymore. Reading the bible daily is not an option. If my bible is not in my hand then my penis very well could be by the end of the day. It isn’t optional to talk to God for me. If I am not keeping company with God, I will be conversing with the temptations in my head and conjecturing as to the best way to fulfill them by nightfall. No matter how dark, how depressing or hopeless the day seems.
I have to tell myself when I’m struggling with emotional issues that homosexuality, sex and porn and masturbation are no longer options for dealing with my problems. I haven’t physically slept with anyone in over 15 years, but the word of God says in Matthew 5:28 “…I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” For those of us who struggle with homosexuality, we can interchange “woman” with “man”. My particular sin was especially humbling, because the subject of my lust was a man. And through the medium of pornography, I had been living out what scripture calls “sexual relationships” with other guys even during the time I was celebrating my walk out of homosexuality. Do you see your battle of pornography and masturbation in the same way that God does? There is hope for you my brother. It’s a tough pill to swallow for anyone, but I had to be real, open and honest with myself, because I wanted a deep, long lasting, spiritual change at all costs, not just a change perceptible to those around me. I also wanted God to show me the reason I still clung to the selfish and immature act of self-gratification. God is patient and merciful to show us the righteous path.
That is where the constant surrender of my sexuality to God came into play. There were months even years that I enjoyed freedom from the bondage of pornography and masturbation. Those were months of consistent relationship with God and not so much striving to get it right on my own. This fight to stay clean in a dirty world used to be confined to the public sector, but I find that now, even in my church circles, gay Christian influences are gaining ground. It’s tough enough to fight a battle on the street, but when church ceases to be a place of safety, I feel my resolve weaken. I know this was a bit of a ramble my friends. I am encouraging each of you who feels like giving up to hang on. Trust that God has a plan for you. Read His word daily. Replace the sinful habits that are tearing you down with spiritual habits that allow God to build you up. And last of all, surrender each and every relationship to God for his approval or disapproval. Bad company corrupts good character.
I will close with the first few verses of Psalm 103. 1 Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: 3 Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, 4 Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercies, 5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.