Your Advice? No Thank You!
Image
Before we go any further I have to make a disclaimer. I am about to tell you about a harrowing experience that I had today. I don’t need any advice or recommendations. I don’t want to know how you do it or how you would have done it better. This is absolutely one area of life and growth that I am not willing to budge. You’re intrigued now, aren’t you? I must also say that I don’t need your formula or recipes for success in this matter. I am happy to languish in the decadence of my “depravity” when it comes to this particular area of my life. So now that I have said it and you are firmly back beyond the fences of trying to better me with your words and sentiment I can tell you my personal story of woe.
Never again will I be swayed by the following phrase, “Well it is her birthday.” Today my friends, yes this very day, Matthew Aaron Walker found himself staring “straight down the barrel” of a menu…at a vegan restaurant. It was horrific and more harrowing than when I climbed over the fence to recover the dodgeball in the 5th grade and ripped my pants and my left butt cheek on the chain link.
Travel back with me in time. 8 years ago I ate a Vegan hotdog once that I bought from a street vendor in downtown Orlando. His cart looked just like all the rest. There were no warning labels. The food was the same color as all the other hot dog accouterments I had seen before. Halfway through making the hot dog, the guy told me that he had always dreamed of running a business modeled after his beliefs and convictions. It was then that I noticed that the guy looked a bit hippy-ish, wasn’t very well groomed or showered and thought, “You opened up a hot dog stand that would represent the worst parts of the 60’s and Junior High?” Then he said those heart wrenching words that ever red blooded American carnivore loathes to hear.
“IMA VEGGGAAAAANNNNN!”
I heard it drop off his lips and hit my ears like he was telling me I had just won a year's supply of Organic Cow Manure. At that moment I remember my stomach shrinking to the size of small, domestic coin and my tongue going all Mojave Desert on me. The guy must have seen the disappointment on my face, because he apologized that I didn’t know and offered to give me my money back, but in a moment of what can only be measured as blind compassion, I said,
“No. It’s fine. I’ll try it.”
The man’s face brightened and he continued ladling all manner of meatless, tasteless, yet colorful things onto a bun that was two molecules away from straight up cardboard. I walked away holding my False Dog and a sense of adventure that was about to nosedive into Lake Eola with my first bite. You must know that I ate the entire thing. I did. I can’t remember what it tasted like. I can tell you what it didn’t taste like. I promised myself that this would NEVER, EVER happen to ole Mattiewalk again. Did I say NEVER, EVER?
Fast forward to 2014. Here I am, at “No Meat Town” and I find myself ordering from a selection of things like Chickun, Tofurkey and Seitan. SEITAN? That just proves that Veganism is straight outta the pit of Hell. Any dish that includes “Seitan”, prounounced SATAN, as one of the key ingredients is a dead giveaway. Of the many “beverages” available to cleanse my palate were things like Chocolate Soy Milk and Plain Almond Milk. Two questions arise: one, how in the heck do you milk an almond and two HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLAIN ALMOND MILK? A better question would be “Have you ever licked a foot?” (Wrong audience to be asking that to, anyway, I digress.) My point, and there is one, is that I was looking at this menu a little frightened and a little less open minded than I thought I would be, but open to try something new. By the end of the meal, I was full, but my taste buds were no more fooled than that one night when my driving hunger led me to eat a Dirty, Hippy HotDog on Orange Avenue.
I learned a lot today. I will give the “Plant Pasta Land” another try for sure, but the main thing I came away with though is the lesson for the blogosphere for today.
The restaurant I went to looked like any other restaurant. The food looked similar to food I had eaten all my life, with subtle differences here and there. There was a concerted effort to make the meat substitutes look and taste like familiar things I eat every day. As I read about things like Chickun and “burger” patties, I realized that satan, the enemy of our souls does the same things with our spiritual walk. He takes things that we have seen and done forever and puts a casual spin on them; a subtle nuance here and there that leads us just a footstep or two off the path at a time. Just like my experience with the “Hotdog”, we agree to try this new path, after all, it can’t be that bad. Before too long, our decisions have taken us farther off the path than we thought we’d ever go. The first time I tried vegan, my intense hunger led me to try something I had never tried before. Oftentimes, when we have a hunger and drive for love or connection, we are led to do things we might never do if we were fulfilled and satisfied with our lives. The bible says that a man who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even that which is bitter tastes sweet.
I see the same trend happening with gay “christianity” that paved the way for other false religions like Mormonism and Jehovah’s Witnesses and other well known mainstream religions that have people so steeped in dogma and religious routine that they are convinced they are on the right path. Every life altering mistake starts with small steps in the wrong direction. I had no idea that my trip to a Vegan restaurant would spark a late night blogging session. I do know that God is always afoot.
How do we know what is God’s plan for us and what is satan’s plan disguised as religious work? Well quite frankly the same way I knew that “Chickun” and Chicken are nothing alike; EXPERIENCE! For 35+ years my tastebuds have studied and observed the subtle nuances and texture of all things meat. The same way counterfeit specialists study real money in order to identify the fake I knew that the Seitan that I was eating wasn’t real beef, because of my knowledge of the real thing. If you read God’s word, talk to Jesus daily and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you my friend, then you won’t be fooled by false religion or by your own emotions, because you will have steeped your heart in the Wisdom of the Master. No amount of convincing or enticement on the part of the enemy will get you to trade the false for the Genuine Article.
To gay men and women who might read this article, I have a heart to see Jesus become a reality in your life. I lived a life believing that I was born gay and that there was “no other way”. Then I had an encounter with Jesus, where I traded my old, damaged beliefs for the promises of God.
Christians, if your only interaction with the gay community has involved holding a sign of and not clasping your hands in prayer, you don’t have horse in this race. If you aren’t praying for revival in the gay community, but are instead labeling them the enemy, you’ve missed it. “It’s time to stop believing Google and start believing God.” He says that it is not His will that any man (or woman) should perish. Our brothers and sisters in the gay community are daily sitting down to a meal of substitutes. The real thing is only a prayer away. Before you mention their names in judgment, mention their names to the Father.
Chicken & Egg Debate
Did you ever hear that old adage, “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?” It’s one of those questions that poses a couple of different approaches to the same answer. I am seeing gay “christianity” the same way these days. Are we Christians in light of Jesus or Christians in light of our broken sexuality?
Circa 1995, I attended a poetry convention in Washington, D.C. We were broken into small groups and asked to share one poem for a competition that was being held all week. I debated about what to share, but at the end of my deliberations I selected a poem, but it wasn’t my poem, but my self introduction that got everyone’s attention. Yep, as early as 1995, I was introducing myself as a gay “christian”. I finished my poem and sat down. A gay couple who were attending with a young guy they had adopted, introduced themselves to me, because they wanted to know more about being gay and Christian. They didn’t think it was possible. I can’t remember exactly what I told them. But I remember that my statement was more of a political statement than a profession of faith in Jesus Christ.
In the years after my declaration of being both gay and Christian, I tried my best to reconcile the two halves of my life. It never happened. Why? Because gay and Christian weren’t two halves of a life that would one day fit seamlessly together, simply because I worked hard at it. They were two specific, complete and different goals that would not share the throne of my heart. God was not going to share Lordship of my life with any sin; even one that I had rationalized and sanitized to the point of being socially acceptable and self-acceptable.
I understand so clearly why so many people get trapped in a life of gay “christianity”. Those who accept the idea that a person can be gay and Christian are doing so out of compassion and a spirit of treating everyone equal. That is so understandable, but it is also the hook the enemy uses to get us to rationalize and accept sin. The outbreak of gay “christianity” these days is terrifying in light of eternity. I thank God that my journey through gay “christianity” was a place I stopped off on the way to Jesus. I thank God that He showed me the truth about sin of any kind and surrender to Jesus Christ.
For me I think the trouble came when I entered college. I was led down the primrose path to a gay life. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “Wow, being gay would be amazing!” It happened a little at a time. Eventually, a disconnection from my dad fostered by a too close connection with mom and being born a sensitive, artistic and creative child set me up for the world to label me as different. Then my own mind, in trying to find a place to belong and succeed, found a world of other hurting sensitive, artistic and creative men. And they didn’t tease me or reject me, at first. Don’t be fooled though. Any group you belong to will have rules of admission and a “code of conduct” by which you must adhere.
I remember those nights in college when I would pray nightly for God to take my homosexual feelings away. I had always felt different than other guys and that eventually led to me idolizing them. I wasn’t born gay, I was born sensitive, not rough and tumbled like most guys, but I still had a place among their ranks. It was a place that most regular guys would assimilate into easily, but one that I would have to kick, claw and work my butt off to obtain. I think that is where most gay men give up the fight. Instead of trying to be someone they are not, they act like all the other automatons in the gay community, because of their feelings and in the name of not having to fit into a “normal” male mold. At the end of the day, they are still assimilating to a culture.
God never answered my prayer to take away my gay feelings. That is where I got confusing. Instead of reading the bible further and hearing scriptures like God’s grace is sufficient for me and Be still and know that He is God, His silence dictated to me that being gay was okay. My mistake, not His.
There are so many other factors that contribute to men and women believing at their very core that they are born gay. Too many for one blog post, but that’s why I write often. God didn’t take away the feelings, because they were something I had grown in to. God can’t take away that which we refuse to give up. I remember that while I was still very involved in homosexuality that the Holy Spirit would call to me. I would tell God that I wasn’t going to give up on homosexuality, because I didn’t want to have to go through puberty again or relearn everything in the straight world that I had learned in the gay world. I didn’t want to wake up every day and look in the mirror and say, “I am not gay!” in an effort to convince myself. In essence, the enemy was telling me that I was too far-gone and that there was no time to start over. Thank God for a praying father and deep-rooted scripture that held off the death that satan had planned for me.
I think there are two predominant types of gay Christian, that stick out to me. Those that know the truth and suppress it, because they are going to prove to themselves and the world that gay is okay and those that are truly deceived by the likes of Jason Lee and his Gay christian Network.
I think that those who preach gay “christianity” and the media who suppress the truth will have a lot to answer for on judgment day. I also think that a lot of the gay “christian” community are banking on the idea that if they live a life according to the bible they know, that God will have no other choice than to admit them into heaven. I thought the same. When I was planning to marry my long-term partner “800 years” ago, I suggested that we stop having sex a few months before our ceremony so that I was pure before God. I was monogamous with my partner. I was living a good life. On and on my deception went. My entire life was steered off course, because of my broken sexuality. Isn’t a life in Christ supposed to be directed by Him and Him alone. The scripture that jarred me into reality was Romans 14:12 “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” At the end of all “this” I was going to stand before God alone and tell Him the truth of my life. I had to ask myself, “Was I prepared to do that, considering everything I had done?”
I ask you the same question my friend. No matter who you are following today. No matter how many people agree or support your stance on or life in gay “christianity”, what does your heart tell you today? Homosexuality is not in God’s plan for his creation. Do you believe that today? Have you been led astray by the ideology and sentiment of the world? It is never too late to change your mind. As long as you have breath in your lungs, God is still performing rescue missions.
Down Under. Now Up and Over
As is always the case when I travel, share and hang with other Christians who've walked out of homosexuality, I come back refreshed and ready once again to take on the hostile, "tolerant" world we live in. On April 16, I boarded a plane for a 3 day journey to the land down under. My journey took me to some interesting places. Dubai. Malaysia. New York. I was a little apprehensive to travel, after the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight MH 370. But I realized that I traveled 2 weeks after 911 in 2001, so I buckled down and simply did what God told me to do. What was that you ask? Well, He simply said, "Trust". At every leg of my journey where I encountered something tough, the Holy Spirit urged me to trust God. When they couldn't find my ticket, when the flight was late, when I almost missed my connection, when I needed sleep, God showed up to provide. Trusting God wasn't a new exercise for me, but let's just say I could always use practice. While I was on the trip, there were a few times that I was moved to tears. Yeah, yeah, I know what you are thinking, that's like saying Oprah had a Donut or Hilary lied under oath, it happens frequently, but these tears were of a different nature. God was leading me on a different journey than I had ever taken before. In addition to being on a ministry trip in Australia, I was taking an internal journey as well. It was a journey of gratitude. One night while praying, I was contemplating how good God had been to me. In the grand scheme of things, I am just another guy on the planet. I am nothing. I don't say that in a self deprecating way or in a way to garner affirmation from anyone. I say that, because it's biblical and I fully became aware of it over the last year in ministry. Apart from God I am nothing. I am okay with that. Yet over this trip he showered me with love and adoration. He allowed me to be used for ministry in ways that he hasn't before. I published a book in the last few weeks as well. My tears came as a result of these revelations of "Who am I that God should use me this way?" and "I know I don't deserve any of this preferential treatment or a free trip to Australia, but God gifted me anyway." It's honestly hard to put into words, but I walked into a new place while "down under". I found myself humbled and gladly in a place of gratitude and praise for my God, for Jesus, for the leading of the Holy Spirit. I found myself, in tears, because God is a God of restoration and change. God is a God of provision and surprises. All I had to learn to do was trust when I didn't want to. I also had to learn that trust, like forgiveness, is a concept not a one time event.
My journey home started two days ago from a little town called Brisbane. I seriously think they invent new airplane boarding rules daily. It's like the TSA gets bored and they have to come up with new hoops for us to jump through. I jumped when I needed to and let them swab my palms, pants and some other areas when they asked. Heck, I even threw away my newly purchased coke right after they gave me a Business Class upgrade for my 13 hour flight from Dubai to Boston. Healing and transformation is as layered as the pain in our lives. I am still learning of pain that I have sustained despite God's best efforts to rid me of it. I am still learning ways that I have just been, well, kinda dumb. And today I realized that I had a double standard that many gay and ex gay men deal with. I have always said I want to keep on learning each and every day. The problem was that I always considered that learning simply meant new knowledge that one acquires through a class or a teaching. I had kind of closed the door to learning that happens when I made the mistakes that all humans make. My pride takes a hit when that kind of learning rears it's head. Why? One word. Pride. I hated to be corrected as a kid and I haven't grown too fond of it now. In order to move forward and be able to instruct others on the art of admitting your mistakes and moving on, I have to work on that myself. Now the human tendency is to say that I'll just try not to make any mistakes. That's like saying I hope Hollywood is going to make accurate Christian films. I've got to be easier on myself, more trusting of God and ready to learn no matter what "Professor" is teaching the class.
I take the next few steps of my life, with trepidatious baby-steps as I navigate these new waters and incorporate my newly discovered gratitude into my every day. Jesus is the reason I do any of the things I do. He is more important than sharing my story, being right or promoting whatever tidbit of knowledge I have learned. Jesus has never changed, nor will change, it's just our need to be right and never wrong that has changed the perception of Jesus to us and to the lost in the world. I come back now with an even greater desire to share Jesus more than Matthew. To listen to the Holy Spirit more than my own needs and desires. To trust God, because He's God and despite what the reality show of my life projects on the screen of my eyeballs. I left Australia refreshed, with a renew sense of who God is and honestly who I am in Christ. Confident I embarked on a journey and wobbly I return, but new birth always promises a little pain, before great joy is experienced.
I will still share the joyful news that God can deliver men and women from homosexuality, but I'll share Jesus first and foremost, because He is the only one that has the power to change any of us. When I walked out of homosexuality, Jesus met me right where I was at and that was a long, damn way from Him. I thank God that He waited, loved and paved the way for me, when I needed it most.
Fed Up & Weary?
Attention: Apparently due to an unauthorized reposting of a link to this particular blog, the traffic here might get a little heavy. I wanted to say thanks to Clare Flourish for the shout out. Even though her purpose isn't so altruistic, I figure that God is going to use her purpose for His purpose. This isn't one of those gay bashing, I'm a super Christian blogs. This is a blog about real life struggles on the road to deny my homosexual desires, please God and ultimately walk more in God's presence daily. I think she might be trying to point out something that I already pointed out, but if my crazy emotional state somedays due to the crazy state of the world is a point of interest to people, well then, they need more entertainment in their lives. So welcome if you are coming here from Clare's blog. I welcome your comments. Please refrain form foul language, but I usually allow all comments unless they are just downright defaming and have no point. I think this might be what the bible talks about as persecution for Christians who stand for the word. If so, Praise God. I am doing something that has a lasting impact. Welcome, welcome! May God bless you on your journey and may you encounter Him today. I have been finding it really hard to obey God’s word when it comes to one particular scripture. While it is not good, it isn’t one of the big 10 or anything. My trouble is currently with a little call to arms found in Galatians 6:9; “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” I stand before you today as a man who became weary while doing good and lost heart a few weeks ago.
A great deal of the ministry I have to the gay and ex-gay community involves allowing my heart to be available and open to hurting people. Not everyone treats you with the kind of respect you hope or feel like you deserve for the effort you put forth into their lives. I am forever reminded of how people treated Jesus when He came to show them the way. He didn’t really get the red carpet treatment that He deserved. I will be the first person to tell you that I am not perfect. I still make mistakes that hurt people and have to walk that well trod road, paved with apologies all the time.
The success or fail of personal ministry to someone is directly proportional to their desire for God or their sin. When it comes to homosexual sin, a concept about the world in Ecclesiastes, says it best; there is nothing new under the sun. Sin and temptation are almost as old as the foundations of the earth. They may not be new, but they gain new ground as they encounter each new personality type and that person’s unique brand of brokenness. satan has no new tricks.
A few days ago, I shared the story of how homosexuality developed in my life as a boy and how God redeemed and delivered me from my gay life, with a group of 24 people in Melbourne, Australia. In less than 45 minutes, the Holy Spirit opened the eyes of one young man to see that my story was extremely similar to his. I will say it again. satan has no new tricks. He relies on his ability to keep us isolated, bound, bruised, beaten and broken in order to keep us from finding out the truth. That is where my ministry comes into play. My ministry in a sense, is a ministry of sowing doubt. Every time I share that Jesus freed from homosexuality with receptive hearts and ears, I sow a little more doubt into satan’s perfect little cult-like religion of “Born Gay”.
I don’t share my story to bring shame to the world. I share my story, because Jesus is Lord and Savior of my life. Without Jesus in my life, there would be no life. I thank God for my broken sexuality, because without it, I wouldn’t know Jesus as well as I do now. People are always going to be offended by any message that calls out their sin. satan and a few well organized, vocal people have worked overtime building a PR monster that has softened, polished, elevated and separated homosexuality from the rest of the sexual sins in the bible.
Every morning I wake up and see one more victory to normalize homosexuality, I creep a little further down the road from the verse I quoted. I love to share my story of redemption. I don’t love the persecution that comes as a result of sharing. Just today, a well-known Christian singer came out with some very disparaging and completely unbiblical statements about same sex marriage. Every time I read that another Christian leader has caved and set aside the truth of the bible in favor of personal sentiment, it weighs heavy on my heart.
There is no reputable, repeatable evidence that any person is born gay. A great portion of the population has simply formed an opinion based on their emotion and found an open and accepting media to be the ideal platform for launching this “doctrine of demise” into the world. “Gay Christianity” is even further proof that satan has infiltrated true Christianity, as he has time and time again throughout the history of the world. Scripture is twisted and reinterpreted so that people are left bound and left as the spiritual dead by the very words that were meant to bring them life.
So yes, my friends, I have found myself a little unwittingly and unwillingly disobedient to Galatians 6:9 for the past few weeks. I found myself going through the motions as I read my morning devotions. I woke up daily feeling like I was lost in a heavy emotional fog. I would search the scriptures, hoping for a spiritual cure all, only to close my bible disappointed and hurt. Jesus never left my side. God never forgot me. I believe God hurts intensely at the outbreak and celebration of sin in our world. I am leaning more on God these days. My mornings are filled with prayer and praise as I awake, rather than allowing the darkness to descend over my heart. Sharing the truth about homosexuality as I have lived it, is one of the toughest endeavors I have ever attempted. No matter how much the world holds homosexuality in high esteem I will choose daily to honor God with my sexuality. No matter how much ridicule we endure as “ex-gay” men and women by “Christian” leaders, People of Influence or anyone else in the world, I will stand on the truth of the Word of God that homosexuality is not in God’s plan for my life or anyone else.
I didn’t choose to be a light in the darkness, but I accept my responsibility to reach the lost. Though, I didn’t choose homosexuality and wasn’t born that way either, I will respect that the bible says it is a sin and that God’s grace is sufficient for me. I will honor Jesus Christ with all my heart, soul, mind and strength: on good days, after bad weeks and throughout the rest of this amazing life that Christ has seen the foresight to give me. I am nothing without Jesus Christ in my life. That is not a statement of false humility so I get a gold star on His eternal roster. It is simply a statement of fact. Another scripture I have to get used to is that God’s strength will be displayed in my weakness.
I have often wondered why I am still pursuing the path of righteousness when it comes to my sexuality. I can only look back and credit it to many things: a praying father, endless scripture because of endless church services and the amazing grace of God. I am not special, but I have seen the truth of God’s word played out as it relates to sexual sin and brokenness. Gay “Christianity” is taking its toll on men I once stood arm and arm with in this fight. Many of them feel that if God hasn’t taken away their homosexuals desires then it must mean that homosexuality is in His plan for us. Speaking from experience I can tell you personally that is a lie from satan. If God never completely eradicates temptation and sin from my life, I still owe Him my every waking moment on this earth, because of what He gave up for me. Christ surrendered His right to any expression of His sexuality. Christian, Gay “Christian” or whatever, if we call ourselves a Christ follower, we must follow Christ’s example He laid out before us. Rather than rationalizing and compromising, in order to live a hybridized life of homosexual sin and the Worship of Jesus. The word of God is clear about homosexual sin. The leaders of the Gay “Christian” movement are going to have hell to pay. Instead of presenting the truth of the bible, the Gay “Christian” Network is disseminating a watered down gospel that incubates their own sin and propagates a message of death to men and women who’ll stop just short of the cross and lose out on eternity with Christ altogether.
Head Full of Squirrels
Image
Balance is definitely one thing that I am severely in need of learning. For the most part Jesus has my full attention, but every once in a while I wake up with a whole headful of “mental squirrels”. Our goal this year as a ministry of men pursuing God’s will for our lives and our sexuality has been to read the word of God every day with no excuse. We follow the reading plan at www.lifejournal.cc. A pastor out in Hawaii brought this to the world and it simply works for us. We are not trying to get on God’s brownie points list, but there are things we have always done daily that are far less edifying than reading God’s word. So we decided to put God as our first thing in the morning and see where that would take us. What we discovered was that, very different than the butterfly tramp stamp some of you are still carting around, we, had no regrets.
I rededicated my heart and life to Jesus in December of 1998. I was fresh out of the New Orleans gay, party scene and ready to let go of 10 years of my “fabulous” gay life. Let’s just say that God had a lot of cleaning up to do. 1999 was a year of being inundate with all things God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I read my bible, listened to radio preachers and Christian music whenever I got the chance. I had a prayer life that was non stop.
At the beginning of 2000 I was still on fire for God. I even shared Jesus with the Sea World Animal Training Management interviewing me for my position. At some point though, I thought it was okay to read my bible less and simply get my spiritual “meals” on Sunday. I adhered to that belief for many years. I was still a Christian. I still attended church. But my heart and soul were on “cruise control” and I can’t say that there was a lot of difference between myself and someone just starting their journey with Jesus Christ.
Now this is not a blog to shame any Christian who doesn’t read their bible daily. I just want to share my life before and after my friend Kathy and I made a life changing decision.
It was about 5-6 years ago. I was a leader in our church’s youth ministry. My friend Kathy was also leading with me. At the end of the year, our pastor found the bible reading plan listed above and presented it to our congregation. My friend Kathy, ever bold as she is, came to me and said “if we are going to call ourselves Christians, we need to stop dinking around and begin reading our bibles.” That was really all that I needed. I needed someone to encourage me to begin reading. I needed a scolding. I needed a reality check. You are not a driver, unless you drive a car. You are not a trainer, unless you train. And I couldn’t keep calling myself a Christian, if I didn’t study the Word of God.
I wasn’t perfect with my reading at first. There were days that I missed and fell to self-condemnation and extreme condemnation from satan. I would start again the next morning. All was right with the world. The best part to me was that reading the bible from Genesis gave it a storybook quality that brought the characters and God’s plan for them and me to life. I worked to give myself a little more grace when I missed a day, but I also tried to be more diligent in my pursuit of my time with God.
The main thing that was revealed to me, as if God himself had peeled back a curtain in my mind, was God’s overwhelming grace. Grace that had been extended to me all those years that I was calling myself a Christian, but starving my spirit man with little or no food. When I began to read the bible daily, I saw how much grace God had had to extend to me on the days when I refused to connect with Him. Jesus Christ had set me free from homosexuality, which the world’s says can’t be done, which means that I am a walking miracle and there were days that I didn’t even acknowledge his existence. God didn’t beat me down because I had neglected to read his word. He did allow me to see how much growth I had missed out on, because I refused to slow down the life He gave me long enough to invite Him to enjoy it with me; long enough to let Him guide me through it’s operation.
Recently, the guys of Big Fish Ministry and I have started praying throughout the week for 30 minutes a day. We don’t make it every day, but we are working on it. Once again, my great big Papa in the sky has shared new revelations. This next level of connection renews and refreshes my spirit man. I was embarrassed to call myself a Christian the way I was living before. There was no difference. Now there is.
I write to you my friends and enemies, to simply say this. I am just a man. My story of being an ex gay man may infuriate you or they may excite you. I only know this. If you call yourself a Christian, make a connection with your namesake today. It is never, too, late to connect with Jesus. God is extending grace, until you extend your hands in prayer. God has written a story of many men and women who have gone before you and messed it up as royally as you. satan has no new tricks for mankind. They only seem new when viewed through the lens of your brokenness.
As a broken, rebellious man who is learning to be humble, real and honest before God, let me encourage you to begin reading the Word of God today. It has the power to lift you out of that depression. The Word of God has the power to mend your broken heart. God is waiting to hear from you. Let the last leg of your journey end at the Cross of Jesus Christ. God bless!
Hope? or HOPE!
It’s confession time! I didn’t know how far gone I was until a few weeks ago. As I started formulating the “Our Beliefs” section of the ministry website, I choked. Thick doubt settled over me like fallout from a volcano filled with fear and despair, erupting in my head, enveloping my soul in a toxic cloud of rancid hopelessness. Or maybe it was just a little gas. Anyway, my goal was to share the message that Freedom (from Homosexuality) is Possible, but that phrase has lost some credibility from the ex-gay Christian community. My intention was to proclaim the truth that “Freedom is Possible” for those who want out of homosexuality and the truth of the gospel to those with opposing beliefs. I wasn’t sharing to condemn. I was sharing because once upon a time it was a statement that brought about hope.
So I was stuck. Was I holding on to old ideas on principle alone? Was I afraid of change? Or were the new ideas unbiblical? Was the message I “grew up” on filled with hate or had SIN simply found a better PR/marketing team? My compromised mind hadn’t been evident until I began to write for the website. As I typed, I shimmied to the top of the fence and sat right in the middle, where so many others had taken roost. I wrote the following.
“We believe that those who read God's word on a daily basis, pursue God in prayer and daily surrender their same sex desires to Him will experience a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.”
When I sent the email to my web lady, my stomach was in knots. I didn’t believe what I had just typed, but I typed it to satiate the masses listening to “a new gospel of half hearted hope” blowing on the wind. I felt myself slipping deeper into the sewers of political correctness. With a few simple keystrokes I had succumbed to the doubts that had been brewing in the ex-gay Christian community for months. Instead of standing firm on scripture that we can do all things through Jesus Christ, like I said before, I choked. I gave people reason to doubt God and gave God an easy way out. In the event that He ‘couldn’t’ or ‘wouldn’t’ help someone walk free from homosexuality, I was covered.
“…a greater level of freedom from homosexuality.” The words haunted me. I kept screaming inside my head, “That is not what I believe!” “What if I tell people there is freedom from homosexuality and they don’t experience the same freedom that I have?” “Will they turn their back on God?” “What right do I have to give anyone a license to hope?” I wanted to offer people the same hope that Jesus Christ had given me in 1998 and for 12 years in Exodus circles, but I caught myself torn between the tortured sentiment of gay Christians and their sympathizers and the truth of God’s word. I had accused others of preaching a watered down gospel and here I was doing the same thing.
“Freedom is Possible” and another catch phrase, “Change is Possible” have come under fire, because there were people who attended Exodus conferences over the years that said they had not experienced a noticeable level of change in their sexual attractions. Sorry friends, but I was not on that list. Since I left homosexuality in 1998, I have experienced a noticeable change in my attractions. I’m not a regular attendee at Hooter’s, but I ain’t hold up in Rainbowville either. I’m in process, but I am a little further down the assembly line than the kid I was in 1998. I experienced change and freedom, because I read books, attended conferences, asked for prayer, confessed and asked for help, prayerfully followed conference advice, attended an Exodus ministry and church, read the bible, prayed and held Jesus’ hand as we exhumed the skeleto-emotional remains of my past.
My daily devotional today is found in Genesis and Luke. I use the reading plan at www.lifejournal.cc. The story of Lot’s wife has always fascinated me. The bible says that she looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. In the notes section of my bible, it says this “Lot’s wife was trailing behind him with her heart still in Sodom, looked back, died…”. In warning people about the perils of looking back, Jesus reminds us of Lot’s wife in Luke 17:31-33
Walking away from homosexuality is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do. There were days that I “looked back”, days I prayed for a different struggle and days that I drowned my sorrows in gay porn and masturbation. But, at the end of the day, I did my best to honor my commitment to God and my conviction that homosexuality in any form: whether acting out sexually or maintaining a gay identity, though celibate was not God’s best for my life.
There are many reasons why people who decide to leave homosexuality behind “look back”. If we leave pieces of our heart scattered throughout a sexually charged past, it will eventually call out to us and we will be tempted to return. The bible says to sit down and count the cost before ‘investing your life into in a big project’. People underestimate the power of sin in their lives. Failure can also be attributed to the lure of sexual sin, unbelief and human failure. It can never be attributed to God. God will never fail us, but he doesn’t always do things our way. People fail all the time, yet in attempt to shirk blame and responsibility, they pin their failures on God and the Christians who appear to be getting it right. Proverbs 19:3 says it best, “A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.”
After much prayer and devotional time, I came to a different conclusion today than I had that day, working on the website. Many in the ex gay movement may have given up on true freedom and settled for the scraps that fall from the Master’s table, but I won’t be among them. Over and over again, God has used people to share the following scripture with me. God has called me to live the Isaiah 61:1 life. It says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”
Luke 7:22 “So he (Jesus) replied to the messengers, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.” Jesus performed feats of healing that caused the crowds to marvel. My life and the lives of so many others who have walked away from homosexuality are miracles.
“…TO PROCLAIM FREEDOM FOR THE CAPTIVES and RELEASE FROM FROM DARKNESS FOR THE PRISONERS”. Hmmm. That is pretty clear. These same words can also be found in Luke 4:18. God has raised me up to proclaim freedom for men and women trapped in homosexuality. It isn’t false hope and condemnation to proclaim true freedom. It’s actually the most loving thing a person can do for someone who is lost. It isn’t me making promises I can’t keep. It is the truth of God’s Word proclaiming that freedom and release are available to everyone.
Burger King, Heart Surgeon & Jesus
As I was driving yesterday to pick my father up from the airport, I tried to use the time to pray. The drive from my house past a gazillion tollgates lasted about 50 minutes. Long distance drives and toll roads in Central Florida remind of playing monopoly, when you don’t own Boardwalk and Park Place, there are hotels on both and a roll of the dice could bankrupt you. Anyway. I was praying, rather sporadically, for friends, my dad’s flight and guys that I mentor. A few seconds into the prayer I realized I was like Obama without a teleprompter. Why was I so ADHD while I was praying? I thought, if God were one of my human friends and I communicated in the same way, I probably wouldn’t have a lot of friends. We don’t just take in relationships with people. It’s give and take. That is how a good relationship evolves.
What was wrong with me? I had a 50-minute block of time to talk to the creator of the Universe and there I was acting like Zechariah after a visit from Gabriel. It wasn’t pretty or respectful. So I tried to do better. I succeeded, marginally, but it led me to reevaluate how I communicate with God. There are a few well-known ways to fashion one’s prayer so that it is more effective. Different religions have different ways to communicate with God. I like to sit down and have a one on one conversation with God. I don’t burn incense or lock myself away or go through a mediator.
In 1 John 2, the bible says that in Jesus “...we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.” The bible calls Jesus our High Priest. Hebrews 4:14 ‘Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” (And here is the best part, in my opinion.) 16 “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. We have a direct line to the Almighty, Creator of the Universe.”
The drive and my “irreverent” prayer made me think. God is not a “Cosmic Cash Machine” or simply protection from the schoolyard bully. God is my Father. That was a hard concept for me. I grew up hating my father. He was distant and cold. We didn’t get along. He was the strict disciplinarian, who made Christianity too lofty a goal. The distance from my father was a contributing factor to the development of homosexuality in my life. My brother seemed to be my dad’s favorite son. Ultimately, I didn’t get an accurate understanding of the true meaning of the word, father. Maybe you are in the same boat. When I turned my heart and life to Christ and away from my sin, I began to see a completely different side to the word ‘father’. Sin in my life had blocked me from receiving anything from my father.
Over time, God humanized my earthly father, allowing for a love to develop between us and for Christianity to seem attainable. God stepped in as a loving Father and introduced me to the only perfect, human example, Jesus. He did it in a loving way, at a point in my life where my bitter heart was finally accessible. I met Jesus at rock bottom, while others have met Him at the top of their game. And I am so okay with that. Last seat on the plane to Fiji is still a seat on the plane. So many people’s lives are steeped in pride and entitlement. The love of Jesus has difficulty penetrating their hardened hearts, until everything else has been stripped away. Without the sin of homosexuality in my life, I would have never known Jesus in the way that I do. I ran across a scripture today in my daily reading; it was convicting, challenging and ‘the reason behind the write’ here today.
Luke 4:42 At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them.
I sat there for a moment and wondered. When was the last time that I searched desperately for Jesus, found Him and then begged Him to stay? If I am being honest, my friends, it was a very long time ago. As a man coming away from a gay life, I thought of this a different way. When was the last time I longed to sit and stare into Jesus’ ‘eyes’ the way I did so many guys back in the day? I pray. I spend time in the word, but ‘window shopping’ and investing your heart are very different. My goal is to remedy this ‘problem’ I have. I longed my entire life for a Father and a friend. Then He shows up and some days I treat him like Burger King rather than the “Heart Surgeon” who saved my life.
My father is sleeping soundly in the next room. Oh the journey that God has taken us on. I was once convinced that I didn’t have a thing in common with him. I let the sin of homosexuality steal away the very blessing that family can be. I mistakenly viewed homosexuality as a gift from God for so long. Now I can finally see it as the curse that blinded me. All the while satan used it to strip away every anchor I had in the world in order to set me adrift on a sea of sin.
Life doesn’t have to be that way for you my friend. While you still have breath in your lungs, you can change your future. The love of a family fulfills a soul much better than maintaining your pride. Take some time today and recommit to Jesus. God has a plan for your life. If you don’t know Jesus or have been angry with Him, He’s okay if you’re reaching up from Rock Bottom. He was there before you, so your trip wouldn’t be so bad. Romans 10:13 for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” You’ve been longing for a new start for so long. Let today be the day you dust off that bible and make the connection of all connections. Talk to Jesus like you would an old friend. Rest from your long, exhausting journey can be found in His arms.
Full Circle
And with this fourth and final installment I share my last bits of knowledge about a Heart of Stone. I hope you all have found this helpful. If not, stick around. I am sure something I write will reach you where you are. Until then, read on and start the new year off surrendered to Christ and the Word of God.
Spiritual Blindness, Doubt and Unbelief can also lead to a hardened heart.
Mark 8:17 Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: “Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? 18 Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?
Jesus reminds his disciples of the miracles they had witnessed. The feeding of the 5000? The feeding of the 4000? Then he asks them again in Matthew 8:21 “Do you still not understand?”
Ephesians 4:18 They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.
Over and over in the bible people are told not to be afraid. In the parable of the talents, it was fear of the master that caused the man with one talent to bury it in the ground. Fear of failure. Fear of being rebuked.
Unforgivenness also plays a hand in the hardening of our hearts. My mother went to her grave riddled with unforgivenness towards her parents and so many others. Matthew 5:22 “But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. 23 So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
What are some negative effects of maintaining a hard heart? A person with a hardened heart doubts God’s supernatural abilities and continues to rely on their own natural ability. They look for earthly means to solve spiritual issues. Hard heartedness is contagious. You’ve been hard hearted so long that you haven’t even noticed or cared how your attitude infects others. There are questions to ask yourself: Do you want help and What can you do? Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Hebrews 12:14 “Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life…15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”
Hard hearts alter your spiritual perception and keep you from perceiving spiritual truths. This is why everyone in a church service will hear the same message, and some will receive while others won't. It's not the Word that's the variable but rather the condition of the heart. Matthew 13:14-15 “‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive. For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed…”
A physical example of a spiritual problem. My uncle was diagnosed with a a rare heart condition. The pericardium or sac around his heart began to calcify over time. The calcification began to restrict the movement of his heart. Rather than being able to pump blood efficiently, the heart was forced to work inside a restrictive calcium box. My uncle couldn’t walk more than a few steps without having to rest and his hearing was diminished. He went in for surgery and they had to peel his heart like a hard boiled egg. At the height of his recovery, he could walk around freely and his hearing returned, once his heart was softened. Spiritually, many of us are walking around with a hardened heart that is diminishing our senses. Just like my uncle’s real heart was dulling his senses.
Hebrews 3:7 That is why the Holy Spirit says, “Today when you hear his voice, 8 don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled... 10 So I was angry with them, and I said, ‘Their hearts always turn away from me. They refuse to do what I tell them.’ 12 Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. 13 You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.
A hard heart can lead to separation from a Church body. Proverbs 18:19 An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars. It can lead to separation from family and friends. Deuteronomy 5:16 “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 Never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as you would to your own father. Talk to younger men as you would to your own brothers. 2 Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.
Damage Control: Don’t Panic! There is hope for softening a hard heart. Forgiveness is the key. The bible says, don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” Hebrews 3:7 Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says, “Today, if you hear his voice, 8 do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, on the day of testing in the wilderness,
Practice kindness to one another. Mark 12:31 The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Prayer- Yours and Others. Don’t be afraid to ask for prayer. And don’t be dumb enough to forget or neglect to pray on your own. Philippians 4:6 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.” Tell God what you need. Thank Him for all He has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
Clean up your life! Ephesians 4:30 “And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
Fellowship with Christians! Hebrews 10:25 “And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”
Submit to Christ! Repeat! Ezekiel 36:26, 27 “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.” The bible says that those who call on the name of the Lord will be saved.
An old mentor of mine said it best. Maintaining a heart of stone is like renting satan a room in your head.
When God gives you a new heart, you will be vulnerable again and subject to hurt, but trust in the Lord with all your heart. When you allow yourself to experience pain in the presence of God, an open wound heals and a scar forms. An open wound is a sign that we are still hurt and bleeding. A scar is a sign of healing.
Some of you have been praying for years for something: healing, deliverance, strength, finances. Are you living in obedience or disobedience? Does Jesus have to continually rescue you or is he free to boast of your triumphs?
Hebrews 12:1 ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus… 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.”
Let’s travel back to the tomb. The authorities wanted a guard over the stone at Jesus’ tomb to prevent the disciples from removing Jesus’ body. Their hardened hearts were guided by human wisdom not the heavenly knowledge that Jesus would rise from that grave. In their minds, “The stone was to be maintained.” While the stone remained, the story of Jesus was silenced.
The stone blocking the entrance to the tomb represents our hardened hearts my friends. Every time we say No to God, we dispatch another “soldier” to secure the stone around our hearts. God wants to roll the stone away and give us access to Jesus once again.
Hebrews 4:16 “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”
My Grain of Sand
Image
Finding Internet here in Colombia is like discovering a liberal who watches Duck Dynasty. With no Internet access, I couldn’t find my journal reading for the day. God, instead led me Psalm 119 and began to share new revelations through the Word.
We are talking about heart issues here. So it wasn’t surprising that God led to specific verses about the heart. Psalm 119:10-11 “I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” If I seek God with all my heart, there is no room for secret sin. Even the term, gay Christian denotes a heart divided against itself, not fully submitted to God’s design for human sexuality. No one would ever consider allowing the sin of alcoholism to be an acceptable part of life, and homosexuality is no different. It’s almost absurd to think of calling oneself an Alcoholic Christian, but calling oneself a gay Christian seems socially acceptable. It’s like describing a color as Black White or a dish as Hot Cold. My own experience with homosexuality and Christianity bear witness to this.
Two scriptures come to mind when I think of gay Christianity. 2 Timothy 3:5 brings to mind those who have a form of godliness, but deny its power. God has the power to set us free from sin, but if call ourselves a gay Christian we are denying God’s power to redeem our broken sexuality. 2 Timothy 3:1 “…There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” Denying the power of God to wash and cleanse us from homosexuality is one more way we harden our hearts to the truth of God’s word in exchange for the lie of homosexual desires.
My life is an example of how God has set me free from the bondage of homosexuality. I may still be tempted by the images of my past, but daily I choose not to entertain those thoughts give them life. This verse talks about obeying God with all my heart and that will assist me in becoming free of my sin. Romans 6:15“So since God's grace has set us free from the law, does this mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! 16 Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master? You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God and receive his approval. 17 Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you have obeyed with all your heart the new teaching God has given you. 18 Now you are free from sin, your old master…”
The heart is fertile ground, allowing the growth of good seeds and bad alike. If I hide secret sin, it doesn’t remain a secret, but alive and active, infecting every area of my life. If I in turn hide the word of God in my heart, it also remains active and alive, but when it grows it cleanses and nurtures the rest of my life.
Psalms 119:32 “I run in the path of your commands, because you have set my heart free.” Oh freedom. So many in today’s world reject God’s design for their lives, because they feel that Christianity is a set of suffocating, stifling rules. Worldly ‘freedom’ without God is best described as a ‘Freedom’ of bondage. The ‘freedom’ I tasted in the gay community will never compare to the healing freedom I have experienced as God “has set my heart free”.
My Grain of Sand--------What did the enemy do to cause me to build “walls” around my pain. As you may or may not know, I was born a sensitive kid. That sensitivity allowed for repetitive wounding by the strong personalities of my family.
My brother was molested at age 12. His sexual curiosity was awakened and it led him to discover pornography and masturbation, which he introduced to me at the age of 6. The abuse he suffered sent him down a path of sex and experimentation with lots of drugs. changed him from my loving brother into angry and abusive. I lived in constant fear of him.
My father loved me, but was neglectful and distant. I believed that he loved my brother and the church more than me. My father was a strict disciplinarian. It hurt at first, but hurt grew into anger. I lost all love and respect for my father. I spent most of my life rebelling against his authority.
My mother was bi-polar and unpredictable. Living with her, was like living with an emotional time bomb. My mom loved me, but we had a very unhealthy relationship. I worked hard to make sure I never displeased her, but it was impossible. She destroyed my relationship with my father, because she hated men and consistently attacked my father’s credibility. My mom’s father was extremely abusive. My mother’s moods painted the vast emotional canvas of my brain with a great fear of women.
A combination of wounds caused my heart to harden. The abandonment and abuse by my family led me to feel abandoned by God as well. Scripture describes God as a loving Father, but my father was angry and distant. I wanted nothing to do his church or his God. Scripture says that God would never leave me nor forsake me, but my experience said something else.
Years later as God was softening my heart, He would call me to return to my family and ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness and minister to them. I went, but I was fearful and a little resentful. Matthew 5:44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.
The Reality of Pain------- I have a pain in the heel of my foot. It causes me to walk on the side of my foot, which causes me to hold my leg differently, which pulls on the muscles in my lower back, which causes my upper back to hurt and tightens the muscles that go up into my neck and I get a tension headache. One tiny little annoyance, pain or sin can throw your entire life out of balance.
Is any of this God’s fault? It didn’t matter to me. I blamed Him. Ultimately He could have prevented my hurt and my pain. Years later, someone once said this, “God isn’t allowing bad things to happen to us. He is allowing bad things to happen for us.” I didn’t choose to have a family dynamic that shaped the homosexual desires of a sensitive, artistic, creative boy, but without that affliction I may have never known Jesus as sweetly as I do. Psalm 119:67 “Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. ”
Psalm 119:71 “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.”
In college I prayed and prayed like I was told to for God to change my sexual desires. God never answered. I blamed God for my homosexuality and for not healing me. This hardened my heart further. I didn’t believe that being gay was right, but the God of the Universe who’s bible said it was wrong, had not given me the desire of my heart, which was to be heterosexual and ‘normal’.
Many years later, having truly felt abandoned by both parents, I found comfort in Psalm 27:10, “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.”
Is the pain in your heart like the pearl in the oyster? Do you work to cover up the “irritants” in your life so that you don’t’ have to deal with it? Do you even remember the initial “grain of sand” that caused your wound? Every aspect of your current behavior can be swayed by simple woundings in your past. Is reading this bringing up feeling of hurt and anger? May these words help you return to God with your hardened heart. Begin the process of letting go of the hurt, the pain and old wounds. As it says in James if you draw close to God, He will draw close to you. Whatever the case may be my friends, know this. Jesus came to earth in order to give us all a new beginning. He is ready to offer you one today. You owe it to yourself to say Yes.
Repost of My Story
It has been 15 years since I walked out of homosexuality. I wanted to reshare my story on my blog. So here it is for those of you who have not read it.
I was fourteen years old when our family traveled to Orlando for a theme park getaway. Little did they know they were setting in motion, a lifelong dream. While in Orlando, I saw Killer Whales for the first time. I was blown away. I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. It took me a long time to reach my goal. I am really lucky. It took the Children of Israel 40 years to find a way out of the desert. I am just glad it only took me fourteen years and that I made it with all my own hair and teeth.
When I tell people that Jesus delivered me from ten years of unhappiness, guilt and shame, they ask me if I was a used car salesman. Saying that Jesus swooped down from heaven and saved me from eternal damnation and the fiery darts of Hell, though true, is a bit over the top. Jesus' role in my life is best described as mentor, friend and constant companion. He cries a thousand tears for every one that I shed. Simon Wiesenthal once said, “Every tear is forever on the mind of God.” Jesus Christ cares for my heart better than anyone.
What could have been so bad? One or two misplaced emotions eventually snowballed into a life that consumed my every thought. From the age of 18 to 27, I lived as a gay man, but I had gay feelings long before that. I was introduced to pornography by my brother, at the age of 6. Age 9 provided me with a bevy of choices about the world. Not only was I called into the ministry through a sermon about Jonah, my brother and a cousin exposed me to six hours of video pornography. I knew it was wrong, but it was mesmerizing and I was getting to hang out with the guys. To add to my confusion, I noticed at an early age that I was more drawn to the men in the videos, than the women. It continued to foster a burgeoning curiosity about sexuality and began a 30 year addiction to pornography and masturbation. It haunted my every day thoughts. When I began to walk with Jesus the struggle always brought up feelings of guilt. How could I call myself a Christian and still struggle with pornography? I never shared any of my sexual struggles in the church for fear of being ostracized. My secret battle was embarrassing, stifling, shameful and inexplicable.
I didn’t grow up in the most functional family as a boy. Who did? My brother was molested by a man when he was 13 and I was 6. It sent our family dynamics into a tailspin that immediately begin to affect all of our lives. I wouldn’t learn of the event until I was in my late 20’s. It was something my parents kept secret and locked away. It repeated a longstanding tradition of not talking about painful or embarrassing things in my family. My mom always quipped that she gave me the middle name Aaron, because she knew I would be a great spokesman. Then, she says, I didn't say anything for 12 years. My thought was always, "Who could say anything in this house?" There were three other people whose voices in my childhood home were much louder than mine.
One of those voices was my brother. In many ways he was everything a big brother should be, but the enemy had other plans for us. My brother’s molestation seemed to awaken a pornography appetite which he eventually shared with me. My brother never touched me physically, but I remember being naked with him and he made a game out of naming our penises. I remember being in my brother’s room watching him masturbate with a pillow while looking at a pornographic magazine. No 6 year old should ever be exposed to that. When my brother moved out of the house I inherited his porn collection by default. My early introduction to pornography awakened a sexual curiosity and exposed me to all manner of sexual situations that culminated in rampant sexual experimentation with other boys from the age of 6 to 13.
Almost two decades later my brother would tell me about his molestation. He said he had battled with confusing thoughts about his own sexuality which led to promiscuity with girls and erratic behavioral issues in response to the trauma. The bad behavior garnered the constant attention of my father. This created an absence of my father in my life. Not to worry. Mom stepped up to the challenge. The family dynamic was that my brother was my father's favorite child and I was my mother's. It was more implied than decided upon. My mother ruled with an iron fist or victimized tears. Dad was passive. Mom was aggressive. I spent my childhood scared of both. My dad was a good provider, but he can best be described as there, but "not there" in my life and ever present in my brother’s life. My brother and I had every material provision we could ever want: annual family vacations, amazing Christmas gifts, clothes, food, etc. From the outside we appeared to be the perfect family, but no outsider knew what was going on behind closed doors. One of the most haunting memories of my childhood happened when I was six years old. My mom locked herself in her bedroom and was threatening to kill herself with a gun. I remember sitting there, paralyzed, on the other side of the door crying and pleading with her. I don't remember where my father was. From that moment on though, I think was afraid to leave my mom alone. It would not be revealed to me until much later that my mother suffered from bi-polar disorder. I began to use humor and other distractions to diffuse the conflict created by having a manic/depressive mom. I did anything I could use to derail potentially tense situations. I became a little performing people pleaser who tried to keep mom smiling, but the stress of that role began to take a gradual toll on my life.
My father was the strict disciplinarian and resident Christian. He forced us to go to church every time the door was opened. I appreciate that now, but was not having it back then. I had a growing hatred toward my father. He had a short fuse. He never seemed interested in my life unless it was Sunday morning. I think my hatred for my father came about as a result of my mom’s continual attempts to emasculate him in my presence. In one breath my mother would filet my dad with her words and in the next minute she was pushing me to build a relationship with him. One family vacation she got so mad at him that when he got out of the car to ask for directions, she drove off and left him two states away. She frequently left him after arguments and took me to my grandmother’s house. My relationship with everyone in my family was strained. I was ostracized by my brother and male cousins. I was distanced from my dad. I was bullied by boys in school. I learned early on that the world of men was not a safe place. So I tended to gravitate to the women in my life who were always softer, kinder and gentler.
I spent most of my pre teen years playing with my female cousins and interacting with them. As far as guys were concerned, I was paralyzed in fear over them based on a history of volatile interactions. The problem was that I still longed to be around them. The gap between me and my male peers began to widen. I was a little boy distanced from almost every male figure in my life.
If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, well then it’s probably a duck. At least that is what the guys that bullied me in school felt. I was a feminine guy with feminine responses and actions. It wasn't because I was born gay. It was because I learned how to be a human by watching the actions and reactions of a woman, my mom; a wounded, mentally unstable woman. There were other strong female influences in my life as well. It was a recipe for disaster. I never entertained the thought that I was gay until my attractions and the mental impact of the bullying and name calling collided inside my head. For all intents and purposes, I had watched my mom’s life for years, not my dad. I mirrored her ways, words and attitudes. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She is the main reason I had a solid foundation for success in my early years. I know that she loved me and still does. The problem was that little boys were never meant to be best friends with their mom. They weren't mean to be poured into solely by a woman. It's like trying to program a Mac with Windows programming code. Something gets lost in the translation.
When I was a seventh grader, a gruff and tumbled, ninth grader with a bad attitude became my own, personal tormentor. He took it upon himself to call me Fag, Queer and Sissy. I have since learned that his own tragic childhood had left him with plenty of anger. Unfortunately, that anger was focused on me. His hatred further damaged my self esteem and confidence. I walked around in a fog of fear and anxiety. High school was painful and isolating. I had few close friends. I was the nerd who got good grades. I wasn’t the most masculine boy in school so I was the subject of some nasty rumors. The verbal slurs rooted themselves deep in my mind. The bullying further pushed me away from men and toward the belief that I might be gay.
High school graduation to me was like parole to a death row inmate. I had a chance at a new life. I could reinvent myself. Right the wrongs of the past. Act straighter. Date girls that didn't know me. I could become a new person. So I did. Upon enrolling at Oklahoma State I enrolled as Matthew Walker. Since Kindergarten I had gone by my middle name, Aaron, but I felt that the person I had been in high school needed to disappear. I had hoped that by laying "Aaron" to rest that all the turmoil and pain of his life would die with him. Needless to say, it didn't, but I did begin a new life as Matthew. No one back home understood, but in that moment I lumped every aspect of my past into one basket, good and bad, and threw the entire thing into the trash. In one fell swoop I had silenced any voice Aaron would have in my life. I tried to forget everything about my past in light of making a new life. I let a few bad experiences cloud my judgment and my whole life at that point. I wouldn't really learn the impact of that decision for many years.
College gave me freedom not to attend church. When I started college, I finally found the courage to write my parents a letter detailing my high school experiences with bullying and teasing. One night when I was headed back to college, my father and mother were in their car and I was in mine. We had pulled over on the interstate to say our goodbyes and my father got into my car. He recounted the memories from my letter and consoled me. I know my father had spent many late nights praying for me. This time, my father prayed for me in person. Tragically, my heart was too damaged to accept or appreciate his attempts to help me in that moment. I wasn’t ready to receive his love and compassion. I was caught between his Christianity and the growing temptations of homosexuality. I could tell my father that I’d been bullied, but if I told him that I thought I was gay, I felt he’d reject me outright. That was the first of many times that my father reached out to me, but I rejected him. Thank God he never stopped reaching.
College was the catalyst for sin in my life. I left Barnsdall, Oklahoma as a virgin on a bent to have sex. After all, the people I admired in high school were all sexually active. I was the odd man out. I dated a girl and lost my virginity that first semester. Then something strange happened. One day in normal conversation, she asked me if I thought I was gay. Not the typical relationship banter, but I responded with ambiguity and wonder. That conversation opened up an area of my mind that was lying dormant. It was like someone flipped on the light switch in a dark room. Some would say I was in denial all those years in high school when I could think of nothing but guys. In all reality, I can see how the enemy slowly chipped away at my resolve and prepared me for the ultimate demise. Eventually I started dabbling and curiously investigating gay things. After a night of drinking at a college bar, I fell into my first adult sexual experience with another guy. It was Spring Semester 1990 and I discovered a new “drug” that would control my life for the next ten years.
My workout program in college included bar hopping and running from God. I hoped that Jesus would forget me and let me live my life. My journey into homosexuality, began innocently enough with loneliness, anger and low self esteem. In four years I moved five times. One move took me from the dorms to a fraternity house in search of a cure. I believed that being surrounded by guys would fix me. I called it heterosexuality by osmosis. I was desperate for answers, which left me open to believe anything. I followed a Christian friend into the fraternity. I discovered later that he, too, struggled with homosexuality. By the end of my sophomore year, I had a minor in confusion. After the fraternity experiment failed, I gave up and allowed homosexuality to take over my life.
In the beginning, I constantly prayed that Jesus would take my homosexuality away. Night after night on the edge of my bed, weeping and crying. I never heard an answer during those late night confessions. I would wake up the next morning and brace myself to see if the feelings were gone. Nothing ever changed. Was I praying the wrong prayers? Was God even listening to me? One of the problems was that I was going to Jesus with stipulations and demands, not an open heart. I was asking God to take something away that I had a death grip on. I loved the idea of doing the right thing by God, but I loved my sin with every fiber of my being.
I moved through three states in a period of five years. I felt I was moving closer to my dream. In reality, I was slipping into debt and moving away from Jesus’ plan for my life. A few, small, misguided steps became a sinful, demanding lifestyle, spiraling out of control. I invested myself physically and emotionally in every guy I dated. I searched desperately for love and acceptance. Sex seemed to be the toll for the companionship I needed. I was willing to pay the price. Each encounter added to the hollow feeling growing inside. Thank God, my father never stopped praying.
The bible says that in the end days men will become lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God. That was truly evident in my life. I felt I had two choices at the time. I could either live a sad, apologetic life of denial in the church or pursue homosexuality, a boyfriend, just have a fun and try to make the best of my fate. For ten years, I chose the latter. Another verse that rang true in my experience was Romans 1:27 “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another…” There were times while I was having sex with a guy and I still didn’t feel close enough to him. I felt that I wouldn’t be complete unless I was “one” with him, but that type of connection always eluded me. There were times when I would hang up the phone after talking for hours with a guy and would still have violent separation anxiety when I hung up. Homosexuality and lust grabbed a hold of me and worked its way into my heart, my actions, mind and my desires. I was inflamed with lust and the scriptures rang true.
My father told me that separation from God feels similar to being surrounded by friends and still feeling alone. A poem I wrote details it best. “Simple paranoia rages inside me. Surrounded by familiar strangers, I’ve never been so alone.” Man was created to commune with God. He was never meant to live his life apart from God. When we are separated from Him, loneliness sets in. A life lived without Jesus is merely an existence.
When Jesus didn’t take my homosexuality away, I thought I was meant to live that way. The bible says that homosexuality was wrong. Christianity and homosexuality could not coexist in my life. I told God that I was going to be gay no matter what. That decision took me directly to the proverbial brick wall people talk about at the end of the road. I never hit the wall, but let me just say, I could feel the grain of the brick. I started dating this guy I met on the internet. He smoked. He was verbally abusive. He was dating someone else. Not ideal, but I had to prove my point to God. I found myself in two harmful sexual situations and arguments that would quickly turn volatile. I broke it off. That was the beginning of the end. The guy I dated after him was a true companion. He showed me the love and acceptance I had been searching for, for 10 years. I shifted all my focus onto him. I wouldn’t let him out of my sight. I spent every waking moment with him. He was the one for me. He was a guy I could hang out with. He didn’t want sex. He didn’t smoke. And two weeks after we met, he didn’t want me. I was so love starved at that point that all it took was one person to show me love and I was hooked. I smothered the guy. Proverbs 27:7 says “He is who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even that which is bitter tastes sweet.” It was this relationship that God used to walk me out of homosexuality. God spoke to me and said, you have been searching for a guy like this for ten years and now he doesn’t want you. I can show you what you are truly looking for: companions, friends, mentors, confidantes. You simply have to trust me and surrender to my plan and walk away from the failed plan you’ve been striving towards for the past ten years. A few months later I decided to leave everything behind and turn to God for help. Proverbs 27:17 was where God was taking me, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
One event that also helped in the decision making process was that I had recently gotten back in contact with the first guy I had dated in college. By some strange miracle, he had broken up with his current boyfriend and both of them had become Christians. I had known for a very long time that I was supposed to walk away from homosexuality. When this guy told me that he had already done it, it was almost as if the spirit of competition rose up in my heart. I was a little angry that he had done it before me. But after that conversation, I knew that it was the beginning of the end for my homosexual life.
This time my prayers were simple and sincere. I prayed, ‘God, I have tried for ten years to make this work. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t make this life work. Here it is. Let’s see what You can do with it.’ It wasn’t a challenge to God. It was a cry for help. I gave God free reign over my life. On December 20, 1998, I loaded my car, and left Mississippi and homosexuality behind. I was moving towards God, but I was dragging my feet. Matthew 5:6 says it best “The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak.” All my flesh could think about was the depravity of celibacy, long church services and learning to date women, instead of shopping with them. After ten years of being in and out of the closet more times than Julia Roberts on Oscar night, I turned my life over to Jesus. And immediately I became Super Christian and went on to pursue a full heterosexual life with my wife and our 2.5 children. And the polar ice caps melted and flooded Greenland. NOT! Of course change didn’t happen overnight. I needed time to grow in my faith and time to listen to God’s voice, not the opinions of others. I wrote to my friends about my journey out of homosexuality. Gay friends denounced me. Christian friends rejoiced. The rest were just confused. “Is it possible to stop being gay?”
Jesus orchestrated some great blessings in my life. Three days after returning to Oklahoma in January 1999, I went to work with my dad. Working side by side with my father, I was able to establish a bond that fostered my growth as a Christian and as the man God intended. God was so present in my life. He sent me a swim coach so I could pass the swim test for my dream job. He gave me the perfect job. I was able to pay off more than $10,000 in debt. God began laying the foundation of my dreams. Jesus restored my finances. He restored my faith. He slices, He dices. If you call now for only $19.99 you can get this fabulous...just kidding. In short, Jesus restored my life. I looked for happiness and success for ten years in the world. In less than a year Jesus turned my life around. It wasn’t always easy, but obedience led me to answer God’s call on my heart.
God would have never chosen this path for me. However, He has taken my past and used it for His glory. One of my life’s goals is to help homosexual strugglers find their way out of the darkness. I once called homosexuality the Cadillac of sins, perfect in every way, nestling neatly into a person’s life at such an early age. It seems so natural that we are fooled into believing it is genetic in origin. While other boys are dealing with boy/girl things, the homosexual struggler begins to feel different. Isolation begins. Imagine the struggles every teenager endures, then factor in having to deal with homosexuality. Add to that the self-righteous preaching damnation and not salvation. The fear of rejection; fear that paralyzes proper development. I know that type of fear. No one should have to endure that type of struggle. My power to react and my abilities to enlighten are gifts from God. Celibacy has been my practice since 1998. I still have the potential to stumble in my humanity. 1 Peter 5:8 says “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” My daily walk with Jesus and my time in His word, are what keep me grounded. This message may appear to be the epitome of intolerance and ignorance to some. For those struggling, it is one of hope. 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 15 For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16 To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life… I have 10 years of insight into the gay lifestyle. I will share the message of God’s healing power as we are called to do in Jeremiah 1. “...You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:7-8. “They will fight against you, but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:19 "I have pondered many questions about God. Men have forever tried to elevate themselves to His level. Why do we consider ourselves so advanced a species. We need machines to fly. Birds have wings. We need SCUBA to dive. Fish have gills. When you think about it, we need the help of an outside force to accomplish almost everything in our lives. For goodness sakes, we can’t even digest corn, people! Why would we rule out the need for an outside source to govern our spiritual needs? Relying on Jesus to be my strength doesn’t make me weak. It makes me smart. It allows me to build my faith and take part in his amazing plan for my life.
If you are wondering about my dreams of becoming an animal trainer working with Killer Whales, in January 2000 God opened the doors to my dream job. I have been working with marine mammals of all types for about 14 years now. Jesus truly opened up the storehouses of heaven in my life.
“What would have happened if you had avoided the gay lifestyle and had sold out to God at an early age instead?” I believe I might have been realized my dream in life earlier.” I definitely would not have ten years of memories to overcome. God renews my mind daily, but the devil uses my memories to haunt me at times. In animal training there is a concept that behavior gravitates towards reinforcement. I have to admit that the clubs, the attention and the acceptance were all very reinforcing. I received the proper amount of reinforcement I needed to continue on in my behavior. One of the hardest things to do is train an animal to perform a behavior differently than it was originally trained to do. The “old dog, new tricks” sentiment. It can be done, but you are competing with a huge reinforcement history. I can't imagine having a 20‑30 year reinforcement history as a gay man to overcome. The memories of the pornography, sexual encounters and intimate relationships keep a person bound to the belief that they were created different. I have been where teens who struggle with homosexuality are headed. I can say with confidence that by leaving homosexuality early on they will have a better chance of fulfilling their dreams and God’s purpose for this lifetime. By coming out young I had time to repair the relationship with my father. I know a few men who lost their fathers before they ever began to work through their issues. I have the gift of youth so that I can reach teens, before they make some of the same mistakes I made. God placed me right in the middle where I can help bridge the gap between young men and their fathers.
God has allowed me to enjoy the benefits of obedience and the fulfillment of my dream job. I am happy that I came out of the lifestyle young. I hated the presence of homosexuality in my life. I don’t deserve a medal of honor for being in the gay lifestyle for ten years. God would prefer that all of us remain pure and holy. Jesus was born of a virgin. I can’t relive the ten years I lost. God can use what I learned to prevent others from going down the same road. I have a great fear for the next generation. Life has become a combination of parents who pass on their unresolved issues and wounds to their children. Parents of today have forgotten that their family should be their main priority. Our children corner the market on anger, bitterness and pride; emotions they embrace in order to protect themselves from the pain. Those are the walls standing between them and the freedom of a relationship with Jesus.
I have watched God change and reshape my dream over the years. As a boy my greatest dream was to work with Killer Whales. As a man, surrendered to Christ, God has given me a new dream; a new mission. I have been in ministry to the gay community for the better part of 10 years. I have served alongside Exodus International, an organization that helps support men and women who desire God’s true direction for their sexuality. More recently I started a live in program in the Central Florida area that helps young men who desire to leave homosexuality behind, find a place of refuge away from the hostile plans of the gay agenda. I made a vow to myself as a little boy. I promised myself that if I had the power to do so, that no little boy would ever hurt like I did. God has helped me honor that vow and restored a life that was stolen from me at birth.
Heart of Stone...2
Heart of Stone: Part 2
Our lives and hearts are racked by the ebb and flow of repetitive trying and failing. One reason is that many of us measure growth on a scale of pass or fail. Life as God created it and as satan interferes with it, is way more complicated. The truth is that it take years to amass a life and work experience worth slapping on a resume. I once had a kid I was mentoring, put down his 3 hours as Trainer For a Day as experience on his resume. Really? Experience is built one day and often one monumental, experience at a time. Stop labeling your efforts as pass/fail or try/fail. Let’s adapt something a little different. How about, “try/fail/learn” then move on to “try/apply learning/succeed a little” and then eventually “try/moderate success”. I’m not encouraging anyone to be okay living in mediocrity, but a change of perspective, makes the difference between giving up and persevering. It can allow you to celebrate little YOUR victories instead of comparing yourself to those that are doing things “Bigger, Better...‘Perfecter?’.
A few new Christians and some old ones, have similar Christian walks. They say, “I am going to try and serve God today with all my heart.” Often times what they are really saying is “I am going to try and be perfect today, because if I sin God will be mad at me.” When they do sin, they tell themselves how terrible they are and take on a false sense of humility by serving penance for their sins. I say this in the nicest way possible. There were only three crosses people, not four. So get down off the one that you erected and submit to Jesus in true humility.
False humility is as self-serving as reminding someone of all the favors you’ve done for them, in expectation of their gratitude. In false humility, we voluntarily take ourselves back to the starting line and say “I know I have failed you Lord and have come short of your glory and that I deserve all manner of punishment. If you let me try again Lord I won’t fail you this time. If you take everything away and force me to start over…Blah, Blah, Blah.” My friend Sy has a great analogy as to why this just simply isn’t God’s way. When you wreck your bike 2 miles from your house, you are not magically transported back to your house, because of the accident. You are still, two miles away. Solution: Get back on the bike heifer and keep peddling. I added heifer, but you get what he means.
God gives grace and forgiveness to us as we work out, not work for, our salvation. In our own strength we will always fail God, because of our sin nature. Success is not measured by how well we look when we try to hide our sins from others. Success is a willingness to surrender our sin to God daily. No one who has lived in the world for more than 10 minutes is going to get everything right on day 1, 2 or 567. We need the consistent help and intervention of Almighty God. Each morning, the choice is yours. Wake up, put your life in God’s hands and thank Him for another day. Our days should never be an all out effort to get things perfect. They are to be used to give God glory and to do His will. Jesus met people’s needs, but His purpose in coming, was to do the will of the Father.
When it comes to confessing our sins. We may initially confess to one another, but after we commit the same sin for the 100th time, we fear what people will say, so we stop confessing and pride hardens our heart a little more. That is when we hide, but it should be when we seek out help.
James 5:16 Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.
I have more diagnostic questions to ask. “Do you have a hardened heart?” “Are you hiding secret sin or unbelief?” Romans 6:23 says “for the wages of sin is death…”.
“Are you easily offended? Proverbs 12:16 “A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.”
Matthew 24:10 And many will turn away from me and betray and hate each other. 12 Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold.
“Is there someone you are mad at or have cut out of your life?” “Is there a name that comes to mind?” I have a friend whose older sisters have not talked with each other in 25 years. Their children don’t know their cousins, because of their silent feud. They don’t do holidays or special occasions together. They’ve made a life’s work of avoiding one another. Let me ask you, Is that any way to live? Does this sound familiar in any way to you? It is finally time to allow God to soften your heart for that person you are angry with. Or just like these sister, you are going to wake up one day and 25 years will have gone by.
Anger allows satan to keep you bound to the person who hurt you. Holding on to anger is like taking a hit out on someone and hiring yourself as the “hit man”. Ephesians 4:26&27 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry… Verse 27…anger gives a foothold to the devil.
So after all that, it’s time to ask yourself “How did this happen to me? How did I get a hard heart?”. As I began to write this message one of my newer friends called and left this message.
“In case you didn’t notice, I have a hardened heart. I don’t want to go to church. It’s from being hurt week after week. I am cutting off many relationships. I’m making a mess of things. Everything is going down hill. I have been forcing myself to go. Everytime I go, I get angry. I don’t want to talk to my friends. I just want to be mean, especially towards the people that have hurt me. I have forgiven them, but when I see them again the hurt floods back in. It is a huge issue. I can’t move forward. If only I could chip away at the stone around my heart. It’s doing a lot of damage. I feel like I am changing. I am not myself. I’m two different people. I haven’t told anyone. I have been avoiding everyone. I can’t receive anything. I can’t feel anything.”
After listening to the message, I thought, man this guy’s got problems. I’m glad I’m not him. And I knew that if he continued on in this particular path he was going to be in deep trouble. Then I realized. There are many churchgoers that feel that way. They go to church and smile, shake hands and laugh, but inside they feel rotten, dark and miserable. My friend was just being honest. We should all be honest.
Hebrews 3:12 Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. 13 You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.
A hard heart begins with one offense and over time the enemy makes that tiny offense a life-altering wound.
Let’s talk about pearls for a second. A natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips, like a grain of sand, slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell. The mantle gets irritated by this intrusion. An oyster's natural reaction is to isolate the irritant to protect itself. Using the same substance it uses to create the shell, the oyster covers the irritant, repeatedly. Voila, a pearl is formed.
Cultured pearls are created in much the same way as natural pearls. A pearl farmer will open the oyster shell and cut a small slit in the oyster’s mantle. A small irritant is then inserted under the mantle. Interestingly, in freshwater cultured pearls, the simple act of cutting the mantle is enough to induce the oyster’s pearl forming defense system. You don’t even need to introduce an irritant. All you have to do is WOUND the pearl. You get where I am going?
The process God created for the Oyster to enlarge it’s shell is the same process it uses to protect itself. We do the same thing. God gave us a heart filled with emotions that helps us grow, but when we get hurt our first reaction is to defend ourselves. We build a “wall” against intruders. In the oyster’s case, something beautiful is created. In our case, when we “wall off” our pain, it festers and rots becoming a toxic substance responsible for the hardening of our hearts.
Just like the sand or irritant, satan works to get under your skin and prompt a response. Satan’s goal is to destroy your life slowly; layer by layer, bit by bit. He works to build walls that separate you from family, friends and ultimately Jesus. 1 Peter 5:8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
Tune in Tomorrow for Heart of Stone, Part 3: My Grain of Sand
Heart of Stone…1
Image
Heart of Stone
Recently I was given the opportunity to preach a sermon at a Colombian church in, well, Colombia; South America. The Parents of one of the guys that I mentor asked if I would preach a message during my 2 week visit to their city. I had a few other topics rumbling around my head when the Holy Spirit dropped the phrase “Heart of Stone” into the mix. I was excited about this topic, but I knew what was going to happen. This was going to be another one of those sermons where the Holy Spirit speaks through me and then hangs me up in front of everyone as the poster child for (Insert struggle or sin here). The truth is that I have lived most of my life with a hard heart. So I was well versed with personal experience and lessons learned.
My dad was a devout Christian so when the enemy couldn’t get to him, satan got at my dad by attacking his family. God called me into the ministry at the age of 9. I rejected that call, because I wanted material things that preachers didn’t have. I rejected God’s plan for my life, but I would spend the next 9 years hearing the Word preached in our little Assembly of God church.
As a result of running from God and a lot of misunderstanding between my father and I, I became the Prodigal son. I distance myself from my family, because of my struggles with homosexuality and anger, ran up huge credit card bills, got lost in pornography, masturbation and spent 10 years as an actively gay man. Thought, my life was out of control, I couldn’t turn to the church. Many Christians said that my sin was the worst. I couldn’t turn to God. All throughout my life I prayed constantly for Him to take away my attractions to other guys and he never did. I ran from God for 18 years. With every step my heart grew harder. At age 27 my hardened heart had had enough. I quit my jobs and returned home and to both my earthly father and my heavenly Father. It was December 22, 1998 and I had begun the process of letting God soften my heart.
God used Matthew 27 and the events surrounding Jesus’ tomb as a foundation for this message.
Matthew 27:62 The next day…the chief priests and the Pharisees went to Pilate. “we remember that while (Jesus) was still alive that deceiver said, ‘After three days I will rise again.’ 64 So order for the tomb to be made secure until the third day. Otherwise, his disciples may come steal the body and tell the people that he has risen from the dead. 65 Pilot Answered “Take a guard. Make the tomb secure...” They went and made the tomb secure by putting a seal on the stone and posting the guard.
Matthew 28:1 After the Sabbath, ad dawn...Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. 2 There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen…
Well revisit that scripture a little later…
If you are an older reader you know I have mentioned this before, but it is worth mentioning again. I was born a very sensitive child. I used to hate how sensitive I was. I would tear up when I was happy, passionate or when I was excited about something new. It was embarrassing. I learned that God had gifted me with a sensitive heart so that I could sense the voice of the Holy Spirit. Sensitive hearts were created for God’s glory. The problem is that sensitive hearts are easily damaged and can be a target for the enemy. A sensitive heart can damaged by a single event, a single person or repeated offenses by the community.
Later in life, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that my tears were my physical, fleshly body’s response to being in the presence of the most High God. My flesh bowed down, even when my heart remained staunch and unwaivering.
My mother was a harsh woman who didn’t know what to do with my sensitive heart. She wasn’t always the safest person to be vulnerable around so when I was around her, I hid my emotions. After many years of stifling my sensitivity, I woke up one day and I was angry at the world and numb.
I continually suffered hurt and abuse. I withdrew from people who hurt me. I stopped trusting them. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “I think I’ll harden my heart to protect myself from getting further hurt today”, but offenses and wounding over time caused me to build a wall around my heart. As you read this blog, please know that you aren’t simply reading the story of a broken man. God has brought you here on purpose. Listen closely for your story, in mine. Listen for the hope of God that will soften your own Heart of Stone.
Hard heart vs. Sensitive Heart. A hard heart is deaf to the Holy Spirit’s Voice, has troubling trusting God or anyone, is detrimentally self reliant and is full of turmoil. Satanic influence and unchecked turmoil run amuck in the life of a struggler, in my opinion, is a huge, contributing factor to someone taking their life. Whereas the various humanistic organizations around the world would have you believe it’s the fault of the church or Christians. A sensitive heart listens for the Holy Spirit’s Voice, trusts God and as a byproduct of that trusts in others, cares for people and has a peace about it, even as turmoil rages outside.
Some diagnostic questions for you. Is your heart in danger? Have you been wounded? Do you make decisions based on your feelings or God’s will? What do you do with your pain? -- Keep it to yourself? Rage against the world? Do you rely on God’s strength or your own? And finally… Are you tired?
Jesus says in Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Do you consider your weaknesses humiliating or a place for God to show his strength? Have you surrounded yourself with bad people or people of faith?
1 Corinthians 15:33 “bad company corrupts good character.”
2 Timothy 4:3 …a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.
I will end, part 1 of this three part series with something my mentor John used to always ask our guys.
“Who knows you well enough, to look you in the eyes and ask you tough questions that make it impossible for your sin to survive another day?”