Voices in My Head
Our reading today took us to the pool of Bethesda. The bible said that “here a great number of disabled people used to lie- the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.” The focus of the reading this morning was one particular fellow that had been an invalid for 38 years. Wow. That is exactly 4 years less than I have been alive. In the grand scheme of things, this guy had suffered half a lifetime with disability.
John 5
5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” 7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” 8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9 At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked...
14 Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
The man was in his current state for many years. Chances are he had grown accustomed to living this way. He knew of no other way to live so he made the best of his circumstances. He made a life “near the fires of hell”, because there seemed to be no other option. Then Jesus shows up, as he occasionally does and starts asking investigatory questions.
“Do you want to get well?”, Jesus asks. Interesting question. Who wouldn’t want to get well? But Jesus still asks. Surprisingly enough Jesus doesn’t get the Yes that we all might expect, but instead he gets what amounts to be excuses. He tells Jesus, maybe I did way back when, but at this point, it’s hopeless. Then Jesus, once again, doing what Jesus does, calls the man up and out of his bondage. He calls him to “Get up!” Pick up his mat and walk. The bible says at once the man was cured and picked up his mat and walked. Can you imagine what would have happened if the man would have just said, “No thank you” or “How could you do this for me?” Or worse yet, “It’s simply not possible.” “How dare you suggest that there is anything wrong with me.” Thank goodness, the man was obedient to the call of Jesus on his life. Obedience allowed for his healing.
Later on in the story, I find it interesting that when Jesus finds the same man again in the temple, he gives him a spiritual reminder of sorts. Jesus says, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” It leaves me to wonder what happened if anything. Was the healed man sinning in the temple or was Jesus just reminding the man that his newfound freedom would need care and maintenance. That he should guard it and tend it and grow it. I also like that Jesus said, “…you are well again.” The man had the prospective of being well, then being sick and then being well…again.
Much of this man’s story parallels the life of some of the gay men I have mentored. I have met some men who have struggled with homosexuality most of their natural life. Some of these men are in their 50’s and 60’s. They, too, have identified with the hopelessness the man at the pool felt after being afflicted for 38 years. They fear that they have been gay way too long for God to be able to help them with their struggle.
When I walked away from homosexuality I was 27. There was a huge span of history and beliefs that Jesus showed up and begin to question. As a young man just discovering my gay attractions I fought not to accept them. I never chose to be gay, but there was no explanation at the time other than genetics. I prayed for God to take these feelings away night after night. He didn’t. At some point, I would imagine just like the man at the pool, I began to give up and accept that I might have to live as a gay man for the rest of my life. I stopped fighting the feelings. I built a life around homosexuality, because I felt that I was destined to live that way for the rest of my life. It was either adapt and accept or spend the rest of my life apologetic and mopey. I couldn’t do the latter.
When Jesus’ voice became louder than everyone else’s at “the side of the pool” I finally began to listen. “Do you want to get well?”, He asked.
“It isn’t possible.” I said. “Leave me the eff alone. I am going to be gay no matter what. There’s nothing you can do about it.” “I don’t even know if ‘getting well’ is possible.
Then, for whatever reason, a spark of hope began to burn. The hope of not being gay and having a wife and kids and a God filled life grew within me. When Jesus called out to me, he told me to get away from all the random voices in my life and focus on His. It was at that point that I packed up my car and got up and began…to walk.
Healing didn’t come immediately. I slept with an old boyfriend on the move back home. Then when I moved home I tried to connect with an attractive guy I saw in Tulsa. It was at that moment though, that I heard the Holy Spirit’s voice loud and clear. “What are you doing?” I look back now and hear Jesus’ voice as well. “Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
I fear for young men who have known the truth of Jesus’ call on their life out of homosexuality, but have decided that walking this out is too hard. So they return to homosexuality. Homosexuality was a sin that did nothing, but take from my heart and life, sinking me deeper onto the “pavement by the pool”. If I could offer a word of encouragement to those of you struggling with whether or not to continue this fight, I would simply say. Freedom from homosexuality is not the absence of struggle. It is the daily surrender of our broken sexuality to Jesus Christ.
Asking Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life is the first step my friends, but the battle for your life begins there. Satan wants nothing more than to ruin your life and destroy your testimony. A true, spirit filled walk with God is not a one time transaction at the International Bank of Hypergrace United. It is a constant daily maintenance and surrender in an effort to “stop sinning” so that we won’t be worse off than we were before we met Jesus. Walking away from homosexuality was the hardest thing I ever did, but Jesus Christ called me to be obedient to his Word not my feelings. I know now that I was born sensitive, artistic and creative, not gay. God’s call is as fresh and fulfilling today as it was back in 1998.
I trust Jesus and believe in His complete healing for broken sexuality. I found my hope in God’s word, not in the fickle misgivings of human belief and emotion. Are there too many voices in your head right now for you to hear God’s? Then step away and listen to the call of Jesus today. He is asking you today, “Do you want to get well?” How will you respond? With the spark of hope for a new life or Out of vast expanse of your fear, because of the passage of time?
Persecution is a Coming
As I was reflecting on the controversy surrounding Duck Dynasty Patriach, Phil Robertson, one particular verse came to mind. Revelation 12:11 And they have overcome (conquered) him by means of the blood of the Lamb and by the utterance of their testimony, for they did not love and cling to life even when faced with death [holding their lives cheap till they had to die for their witnessing]. We are now at a time in America where heavy persecution for claiming the name of Jesus Christ is evident and pretty much the way the rest of the world has lived for centuries. What do we do with that? Well, I’ll tell ya.
As it says in Revelation 12:11 the way we overcome is through Jesus Christ and by sharing the story of how He impacted and saved our lives. This is not a time to embrace comfort and quiet. This is the time where Christians step up all over the globe and began to share their story of Jesus. We can’t love our comfortable little lives so much that we refuse to step up and speak truth that is counter cultural. After all, isn’t that what Jesus did in his day and age.
If our testimonies are motivated by fear and anger or simply because we are annoyed with people then maybe we need to take a step back, pray about our approach and then share your testimony lovingly, but not sidestepping the truth. Usually when I say this to a group of people I get head nods for the bravery I have exhibited in the face of those who hate that for which I stand. Yet, when it comes to the practical, living it out, call to arms moment, I look behind me and suddenly the room has vacated. Why are people so afraid to speak? Well I think the examples of Dan Cathy and Phil Robertson are good reasons why so many Christians would rather duck their head in the sand and wait for Jesus to come. Persecution, in any form is not desirable to the fragile structure of human emotions. There aren’t many sober people who look for a fight. So when it comes to expressing our opinions, we are often a billboard of resilience inside the church walls on Sunday morning, but when Monday rolls around and we return to work, our stoic confidence has retreated and we feel trapped in a foreign world of beliefs not our own.
I remember when I was in Washington, D.C. lobbying against, yes I said against, Hate Crimes Legistation. The constitution of the United States provides that each and every person is protected equally under the law. The key word there being equally. Yet, what the Hate Crimes Legislation did was elevate certain groups to a level of protection not afforded to the average, heterosexual white male. That was the moment that I realized that the gay agenda and other “tolerant” groups were seeking equality. They were seeking special treatment for protected classes of people. That year the Hate Crimes Legislation didn’t pass, but proponents eventually rewrote it so that it had different wording and riders that made it more palatable to a wide range of voters. And Voila! It passed. Which in essence means that a white, homosexual male, is more highly valued according to the law of the land than say a white, heterosexual. That is not a work in equality my friend. That was the beginning stages of what we are now seeing from the gay agenda.
Let’s be honest folks. Gay people are not the enemy any more than the Christians are the enemy. The true culprit here is ole Red Legs himself, satan. He has worked for years to split the church, bring shame to the name of Jesus and was unable to do so for years and years. But now, satan has a major vehicle that is gaining strength and steam and is taking not only the American church down, but many churches in other countries the worldwide. That vehicle my friends is homosexuality. Satan has worked diligently over many decades to normalize the sin of homosexuality and remove it from the list of other sins in the bible. God doesn’t have graded levels of sin, but the bible does say that he who sins sexually, sins against his own body. So it may not be worse in God’s eyes, but the effects of sexual sin in our lives is more far reaching than say Gossip or Shoplifting.
The time of persecution is upon us my friends. Satan’s work is having fruits the world over. It is time for those of us who have had an encounter with Jesus to stand up for the truth and what is right. This will be the most difficult task you have ever attempted, but God is on your side as long as you speak the truth out of love and not for other worldly reasons.
Proof that I'm not making this stuff up.
Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty recently gave this interview to GQ and then snubbed Barbara Walters for an interview. Thus moving to the top of my "You are so amazing list" just behind Jesus, Sarah Palin and the guy who created oreos. Check out this interview. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/18/duck-dynasty-phil-robertson-gay_n_4465564.html?ref=topbar
Rescued Heart
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This morning’s devotions were so amazing that they were probably the reason we came to South America. That might be overstating it, but man this was one amazing morning.
Before our trip to Colombia, Josh, Ed and I decided to do devotions each morning of the trip. Ed had been having some of his Colombian friends join him on occasion, prior to our arrival. This morning, a young kid, named Nick, joined us. Ed gave us a little background on the kid, who is 18. “He’s tough, doesn’t do hugs and always looks like he wants to kill you.”
“Wha?...can’t wait to meet him?”
Now, the night before, the three of us had some misunderstandings that didn’t disappear in the night as we slept. They were there bright and early, fresh and ready to wreak havoc on our day when we awoke. In my opinion the enemy was doing everything in his power to make sure that our conversations with Nick didn’t happen.
Our devotions came from 2 Peter and John 1. This morning, a lot applied to my life, but I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen. Ed and Nick had been studying and talking in one room and Josh and I in another. When we finally joined up together, I shared first. I began to read. No sooner than I had begun to read that the Holy Spirit began to give me revelations for Nick. Glitch number 1; I speak English and he speaks Spanish. Thank goodness for Ed, our faithful translator.
At some point in the conversation Nick said, I have been studying with Ed for two weeks and you come in here in a few minutes and give me a summary of my life and the last two weeks. Newsflash: It’s not me kiddo. Buckle up! The Holy Spirit in the building and has a few things He would like to say.
What ensued was a jaw-dropping dialogue from the Holy Spirit; a heavenly download from God’s super computer into Nick’s life. Nick would come up with something that he struggled with or a question that he had and the Holy Spirit would bring a scripture to my mind. This happened repeatedly. It was one of the most, amazing exchanges with the Holy Spirit that I have experienced.
A little back story… Ed was living at the Big Fish House in Central Florida, in an effort to continue his journey with Jesus and away from Same Sex Attraction. His stay was approaching the end, but Ed wanted to stay in the states through Christmas. We felt that God had made it clear that he was to travel home for a few weeks and join us in January 2014. It was a hard decision and Ed was sad to go. Ultimately, God is in control. After the conversation with Nick this morning, I told Ed that I felt like this was the reason he had to come home: a rescue mission of sorts. Nick is learning a great deal about God and the bible. God told Nick some hard hitting stuff through his conversations with Ed. The Holy Spirit spoke through me to confirm a lot of their conversations.
There are plenty of people in need of rescue like Nick. Two types of people come to mind: those who want to be rescued and cry out and those who for whatever reason, choose to remain stuck. Our friend Nick falls into the former category. I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you do as well. Let me share some of what the Holy Spirit showed me.
First off, if you have been human for more than 10 minutes you are probably in need of rescue. The bible says that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God and that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. So let me tell you what I told Nick. You gotta be okay with letting God rescue you. You gotta lay down your pride. God allows plenty of trials and temptations to come our way without us throwing in self derived trials and tribulations with the way we live. Why make the path to God even longer by creating situations with your stubbornness that God would have never chosen for you. God will rescue you if he has to, but I think His first choice would be to celebrate your obedience…the first time around.
Second. Slow down. Fast moving cars kills people. Slow moving cars allow the driver to see what is in his future from half a mile away. Paul calls our Christian walk a race so that we keep our eyes fixed on the finish line, not so that we finish faster than everyone else. Life is no good when you are standing alone at the finish line. Unless you are the most selfish, competitive human being on the planet or are competing in the Olympics, I think in our Christian walk it’s better to have a crowd to share your victory with than to celebrate as the loneliest winner.
The Holy Spirit shared that our weary hearts are like vast warehouses full of junk. They are filled with so much stuff, that even God has a tough time finding his way around. However, God has promised us many blessings, but He needs an empty warehouse to store them in. He needs full access to our whole heart. If the warehouses of our hearts are full of junk, where is God supposed to store his blessings? We need to clear out the junk and make room for the new shipments that God promises as we walk in obedience to his Word.
Last of all, the Holy Spirit said, “He’s got trust issues”. Couldn't that be said of everyone on the planet? Most of us say that we trust God, but we don’t really. Proverbs 3:5&6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” God is trustworthy. Nick got a small deposit of that, this morning. Won’t you do the same? Tomorrow morning, take your bible to the coffee shop or out to the front porch. Take a portion of your lunch to search God’s word for the encouragement you need or the answers you’ve been seeking. No matter how or when you do it, give God access to the “loading dock of your lives” my friends. Ask Him to help you clear out the junk and trust Him to provide all your needs in the New Year.
Another Earth Shattering B-L-O-G
When I was in college, I studied Invertebrate Zoology. Our professor believed that if you teach a student, 100 pieces of information, statistically they’ll only retain 10% of the info. To combat such low retention rates, he’d present us with 10,000 pieces of information. Learning in his lectures was like trying to singlehandedly drink the Ocean. I wrote a paper for him on an ocean creature called the Rhizocephalan Barnacle. This barnacle lives out its very, destructive life cycle attached to the reproductive organs of a female crab. Once attached, the barnacle sends out Rhizas or “roots” into the crab’s tissues. These “roots” allow the barnacle to siphon off precious nourishment from the crab. Worst thing of all is that the barnacle's body rests where the host's egg sac should be. The crab's behavior is chemically altered and does not molt until the barnacle's body drops off.
The Rhizocephalan barnacle reminds me of a virus in the way it infiltrates the crab’s, body and affects many aspects of it's growth. Like its “roots”, a virus uses the bloodstream to infect every organ in our body. A computer virus also comes to mind. Destroy every part of a computer’s hardware, but leave the hard drive untouched and the computer’s memory is preserved. Yet, introduce a virus into the hard drive and left unprotected, it doesn’t matter if the computer is brand new, the computer’s brain will be corrupted. Why all this talk of corruption? It’s obvious. Sin works the same way. Sin starts as tiny suggestions in our young minds. It eventually grows to insure that we are well versed in sin as adults.
The life cycle of homosexual sin in my life began in just that way. I knew I was different than other boys. I knew I found older men intriguing, but not in a sexual way. Thank God when I was a teen there were no gay activists waiting to hi-jack my feelings and enslave me with the gay-proselytizing rhetoric of today. Thank God I was in a solid, bible preaching church that instilled the truth in me, before satan was able to do more mental damage. Thank God I was able to do my own research on the roots and causes of male homosexuality. That research revealed that homosexuality can develop when a child who was born artistic, sensitive and creative (not gay), is raised by a distant father, an abusive brother and an overly bonded mom. In addition to these factors, peer relationships and early exposure to pornography and masturbation helped to transform my simple and confusing feelings of being different into feelings of being gay. Research proved to me that there were causative agents for my homosexual feelings. So don’t tell me I was born gay suckah, because I’ve done more than my fair share of time in the library.
It was interesting to me as well how similar the crab's reaction to the barnacle was to my body and mind's reaction to homosexuality. My struggles with homosexuality short circuited my desire and ability to have a wife and kids. And just as the crab's molting or growth stopped, homosexuality is often nicknamed "Peter Pan Syndrome" or called "Arrested Emotional Development" because of the lack of maturity in gay men and their refusal to grow up and accept the aging process. All of this held true for my life and many of the gay men I knew over my 10 years in the gay community.
From my experience with some gay activists, they are out to genuinely help young people who struggle, as are some Christians. However, I also believe that a majority of the louder gay activist voices operate in a militant fashion that seeks to add to their ranks rather than increase quality of life to those who struggle. The phrase "misery loves company comes to mind". Part of the truth to this is that they have now added a 'Q' and a few other letters to their now infamous LGBT moniker. What does the 'Q' stand for? Questioning. Hmmmm. I fell into that category for a large portion of my life, but not for the reasons that the gay community might endorse. I questioned the presence of homosexuality in my life, because the bible very clearly calls it sin. Also, NEWSFLASH, I didn’t want to be gay. And it wasn't because I was Anti-gay. I wanted a wife and kids. I wanted a family like mine, albeit a little less dysfunctional. For the 10 years I was more ‘G’ than ‘Q’ for two good reasons: peer pressure to “be who I was meant to be” and the feeling that my overwhelming, homosexual desires were unbeatable. When God gave me hope that I could be a ‘Q’ again and ultimately a ‘B-A-C’ (born again Christian) and give up ‘G’ for good I was super ‘O-K ‘with that. All it took was the B-I-B-L-E.
I think it is very irresponsible for the gay agenda to encourage youth to come out while they are still in middle school and high school. I grew up in a town of 1500 people and attended a high school of 250 kids in a small town in Oklahoma. No amount of bullying legislation is going to protect a kid like me in a town where he's seen as an outcast, where the school system can barely afford teacher's let along extra security. Coming out for me would have been a death sentence, but they don't seem to be too concerned about kid's in small towns hearing their generic declarations.
Don’t be fooled my questioning friends. The addition of the ‘Q’ is not as much of an altruistic act as you might think. There is a catch. The gay agenda’s goal isn't an effort to provide you a nice, quiet place to work out your issues as much it is a forum to forcefully and adequately convince you that you are a ‘G’ an ‘L’ a ‘B’ or a ‘T’. I would even guess that practicing ‘B’s, might ruffle the gay agenda’s feather’s, because even that indecision lessens or greatens their numbers based on all the ‘B’s sexual preference for the moment. Ultimately it’s not about finding a place to belong. It is about satan locking people: mind, body and spirit into a destructive life, in an effort to take another unmerited potshot at God and his amazing creation. I mentioned a catch. The inclusion of ‘Q’ is not so much that all ‘Q’s can have the freedom to ponder over their broken sexuality. It's an attempt to increase group numbers and strong-arm those who feel that homosexuality isn’t right for them into one of two places: submission or silence.
I was the victim of that type of "cannibalistic" bullying from gay friends and foes. When I finally decided to go from a ‘Q’ to a state of ‘W-C’ (Who cares) and then to a ‘B-A-C’ (Born Again Christian), I got a few letters and emails dripping with healthy doses of the hate that gay advocates accuse everybody else of spewing. Ironic! The gay community yells “HATE” or “Anti-gay” in an effort to kill all legitimate conversations about the issue. Don’t believe me. Count how many times you hear the words “Anti-gay” when someone references a biblical explanation of homosexuality. It would seem that a community that cries out for tolerance so often would have a few less double standards and a lot more...well...tolerance. Anyway, the correspondence accused me of being in denial and delusional. I even had one guy that told me that if I walked away from homosexuality, I must not have ever been really been gay. Yep, that’s it. I was just experimental for 10 years.
The same way that satan infected my mind against God’s plan for my sexuality, is the same way he has subtly, over time, woven the acceptance of homosexuality into societal beliefs over the last few decades. Homosexual rights activists have worked to normalize homosexuality, hi-jacking the blueprints and ideology of Civil Rights in America. Homosexuality has successfully worked it’s way onto every major network slowly, surely and effectively. If you don’t believe me, ask some people in your church who would agree that homosexuality is a sin, if Modern Family is on their D-V-R. satan has worked to the point that society as a whole speaks of “race” and “homosexuality” equally, without people even so much as flinching. But if you do object, prepare for the backlash, hate and intolerance. Ironic...yet again, I know. The assimilation was subtle and effective and no one saw it coming. Well, I did, but my voice isn’t as loud as the Hollywood horde, pushing every major unbiblical agenda on the world.
I fired Hollywood for the most part awhile back when I got rid of cable and my TV. I don’t expect anyone else to do so, but God is calling me more and more to let my yes be yes and my no be no and to call sin, well…sin. To practice the power of the veto when it comes to information asking for passage into my brain. You see friends, at the end of the day I think my professor had a good concept. For me, I choose to put 1000 scriptures in my head rather than 5 minutes of God dishonoring information that comes through the “Hellavision”, as my friend Sy says, and into my home. Now obviously, evicting TV and cable is not for everyone. It should be, but it isn’t. I do believe God calls us to discern between Godly and worldly things. 1 Peter 2:11 Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.
1 Peter 1:13 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self–controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 14 As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
Living the Christian life is hard enough without having to weed through the garbage that is coming out of California and New York. I don’t think it should be news that another Disney star took some nude pics. I live in the city of Disney and personally I think they should change the name to “The Horniest Place on Earth” with some of the stories that I have heard. What it comes down to is this. If you were to throw a dinner party in your home, you wouldn’t invite half of your TV celebrity crowd based solely on their political and spiritual beliefs. Why on earth are you going to invite them into your head daily? Television shows are nothing more than mental masturbation; a whole lot of mindless, selfish pleasure with absolutely no productive results.
1 Peter 4:3 “For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation, and they heap abuse on you.”
My question to you is do they think you are strange or are there no visible differences between the life you lead and theirs? God clearly calls Christians to a different standard of living as we live out these last days. 1 Peter 4:7 “The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self–controlled so that you can pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.”
This blog will most likely be labeled as Anti-gay hate speech and I am okay with that if it makes people wake up and smell the Axe Body Spray. To those Anti-gay quoters, I’d say, put down your pissy attitude and your “rainbow flag” and I’ll put down my pen and my “bible” and we’ll do lunch. As the verse above challenges us, I love many gay people deeply. I have shown that over the last 14 years of ministry to the gay community. I recently consoled two gay men after difficult breakups with their boyfriends. I prayed with them. I shared my heart. I loved on them, because God loves them no matter what. His love doesn’t change the fact that without Jesus, they are lost. I know the truth of God’s word. I know that He has placed me in their lives to deposit truth in order so that they too may have the eternal gift of life that Jesus gives to all who repent of their sin and trust in him for salvation.
God calls Christians to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ. He doesn’t call us to bicker over whether to light candles, speak in tongues or dance around with flags on Sunday or Saturday evening service my friends. Jesus is the reason for the season. He is in fact, the only reason to exist. We are to live lives as close to Christ’s example as we can. Jesus Christ wasn’t a messenger of this drippy, soury, sweet love that removes responsibility for sin and keeps people on a fast train to hell. He came to do the will of his Father. He came to show us the way and speak the truth first in love. He told one woman caught having sex with her “boyfriend for the moment” that he didn’t condemn her for her sexual sins and he encouraged her to go and sin no more. He did not pat her on the head and say I know you can’t help but act on your sexual urges and then instruct her on the proper use of condoms and say “Get R Done”.
We’ve reached a tragic end in our world today when the truth of the bible that actually saves lives is looked upon as rubbish and shows like “Sex in the City” are the method by which we choose to empower women by teaching them to act more like horny, adolescent men. Really? We have also stooped to an all-time low when God’s word is simply labeled as ancient knowledge in an old book. You must ask yourself my Christian friend, “Am I responsible for people thinking what they think about Christians? Is the lens of my life that focuses Jesus into this world a dirty, ridiculous mess or do I make people stand up and wonder ‘what makes them tick, I gotta get some of that.’ ” 1 Peter 2:11 “Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.” Matthew 5:16 says “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father who is in heaven.
The gay community needs your prayers more than they need your religiosity. Pray for these strong men and women of influence: Rosie O’donnel, Anderson Cooper, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Lady Gaga, Elton John, Justin Lee, Neil Patrick Harris and Dan Savage and Ryan Murphy. Your kids and your family members are listening to their voices. Pray that they do more than just “good” in the world; that the message of the gospel would be heard coming from their lips.
I write this blog specifically to a few demographics. Men and women who desire to walk out of homosexuality, men and women who know God and have walked away from gay and who walked back in and every Christian who knows how to live a pure and holy life, but lives like crap out amongst those who are perishing daily. This blog isn’t written for happy and proud LGBT’ers. It is written for those to whom the truth of the Word has been revealed. There are plenty of blogs out their celebrating homosexuality. There are far less people speaking the truth in love, so that maybe just one more person can come to a salvation knowledge of Jesus Christ.
I am a couple thousand miles away from my home right now, not because I needed a lavish vacation, but because there were three young men who know Jesus, but are struggling with homosexuality. Over the next two weeks I will be strategizing on how to share the redemption story of Jesus Christ with these men. I will go wherever the gospel needs to be preached. I have experienced many men who hear the word and reject it, but as I am commanded in the Word, I gotta dust my feet off and minister to people who are desperate to hear the truth, not silence it.
Early Morning Recollections
I have had to keep reminding myself that I am in Colombia, SA. I woke up this morning with that “where am I” vacation hotel syndrome. Where you wake up and your brain has to recalibrate and remember where you are. The most refreshing aspect of that though is that it wasn’t cause by an alcohol-induced hangover as in many, many years past. It was simply that I’d had one, long, amazing day yesterday and I was exhausted. God reminded me of my crazy 20’s when I would repeated nights of alcohol or partying and I would roll out of bed for work, only to press repeat when I clocked out. God also reminded me that the only break I ever had from the mayhem back then was when I slept. 5-8 hours every day I was free from the façade that my life had become. I compared that with the last few years of my life, where it has been hard to get any sleep at all. I have by no means arrived at complete and utter freedom as the world defines it my friends, but as I shared last night with the congregation of Ed’s church, I realized I am finally comfortable in my skin. And Jesus is the only reason I got here. I wrote a poem once that talked about looking for myself in the eyes of every man that passed by. In a sense that is what life was like for me for so long. A desperate search for value conducted in the eyes of men. Jesus is the only one man that will love you as deeply as you need to be loved. Stop searching in the valley of the lost my friends. Spend a few moments, or longer, this morning at your bedside or in a quiet place and admit as I did so long ago, “I’m tired and I need a rest that fulfills and quenches this eternal exhaustion. Jesus give me rest in your arms. Help me search Your heart and mind for the rest of me. ” Stop striving little brothers. Stop striving to be so much for everyone else or striving to achieve greatness and slow your life down long enough to catch a glimpse of the Heart of God for your life. It took me years to say “ENOUGH!” and when I did, I wished I had said it sooner. God loves you, warts and all. Jesus is extending his hand of mercy. As Sheila Walsh once said, “You have never lived an unloved moment in your life.” Let God show you love today as you prepare to press that repeat button on your life. Get off your phone. Get out of your house. Answer the call of God that has been ringing in your head for years. All my best. May God bless your efforts.
Trophies of Rebellion
A private rant made public from 1 am to 2 am in the morning. From my dark heart in desperate need of light to yours.
I just flushed a span of dental floss. At one point I had three boxes of different types of cereal open on top of my refrigerator. And a few days ago I threw out an entire box of beard hair from the last, glorious man beard I was able to grow at Sea World. I had kept it in a box in my locker for the better part of one year. It stood as a memorial to the captivity work had become during the past few years. Although Sea World had approved beards, my ultra controlling boss had decided that beards weren’t right for animal trainers. We could paint them on as pirates in the show, but growing a real one was, well, a pet peeve of hers and after all she was the boss so there I was. Lose my job by standing up for bearded men everywhere, or slay my manly whiskers along with any sense of masculinity and pride I had left in this world. Not trying to be dramatic or anything. Just saying.
So now that you are either thoroughly grossed out or completely intrigued, I bet you are wondering what 8 inches of Flushed Floss, Three cereal boxes and a box of ancient facial hair have to do with anything. Simple. They were all trophies of my ongoing rebellion against authority in my life.
My mom stood as the great authoritarian in my life for a very long time. “Big brother” had nothing on my mom. She could smell it if my brother and I had done something wrong. When I was a kid, she wouldn’t let us buy another box of cereal until the one we were eating was all gone. Do you know how long it takes a little kid to get through a box of Lucky Charms when all he’s really interested in is the Marshmallows? If she relented and bought a new box, we were not allowed to open it until the old box was laying at the bottom of the trash can. I always considered this to be some form of punishment my mother contrived in order to further complicate my childhood. So when I got my first apartment I went out and bought three boxes of cereal opened them all and intermittently ate whichever one I wanted. I sure showed her.
Another story I remembered my mother telling me was that my uncle’s toilet had backed up, so he called a plumber. The plumber knew that my uncle was a doctor of some sort, but when he found the problem in the line, he assumed my uncle was dentist. It appeared that the thing plugging the line was a large mass of dental floss. This is the story my mother related to me when she told me to throw my floss away and not to flush it. So what did I do when I grew up? You guessed it. I flushed floss flagrantly and frequently. I did it, because I could.
Now on to the year old beard clippings. I kept them as a sort of memorial to my right to choose. That choice was taken away time and time again at Sea World and it wasn’t always because it was the right thing. More often than not it seemed like a bit of a power trip to keep the underlings in remembrance of their ranking in the grand scheme of things. Honestly, it didn’t matter if I agreed with the rules or not or if they were wrong or right. A woman in authority had told me what she needed me to do. And I did it…begrudgingly. As long as that box sat in my locker it fed the flame of my rebellion and anger towards the woman in authority over me.
As I was cleaning up my room the other night and throwing things away, I came across my beard in a box. I held onto the box for a moment whilst deciding to throw it away or keep it and God whispered the phrase “Trophies of Rebellion” into my mind.
You see over the past few years I have become the person that steers clear of flipping people off in traffic and would never use some of the colorful words that other people use in conversation. I refrain from drinking and if I agree with those authority I follow them wholeheartedly. I would never openly behave out and out rebelliously. But in the secret places of my heart I was mounting a rebellion of little monuments against the voices of authority in my life.
I could almost hear Jesus saying, if you’ll do it to them, you’ll do it to me. If I say something you disagree with, will you gather your forces against me, against my influence? It was then that my eyes were opened to the little things in my life that represented much bigger problems in my heart.
So I made an agreement with God. To honor my mother like the bible calls me to do. To honor those in authority, especially when I think they are full of…stuff. Then a funny thing happened. People began to speak. Real people. Not just voices from the past. Two women. One man. A whole lotta wisdom. Their words were truth and power. They fell like a thousand enemy arrows penetrating the source of my rebellion.
By loosening my allegiance to that age old saying that has led men and woman astray for years, “IT IS MY RIGHT TO…”, I had made room in the trophy case for something better. Where death and decay had survived and been incubated by my own will, light broke forth bringing life to yet another part of my heart. This Christian thing that I do, that we do, is the hardest thing I will ever have the privilege of doing, but never mastering. That statement kills pride along with my will to fight some days. But I love Jesus. And as crazy, moody and downright ridiculous as I am, He loves me. That shows me there is hope for you, too my friend, regardless of your story. Regardless of the trophies of rebellion you have locked away in the darkest reaches of your heart.
Sweeping the Path
I was reflecting the other day on my animal keeping career that spanned almost 2 decades. These are the photos from that life. It truly was, "Life on stage"; on display for all the world to see. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Gladiator. "The time for honoring yourself is coming to and end." There is no doubt that my love for animals drew me to places like Sea World, but I think it was my love for the attention that the stage affords a person that kept me there. For 6 years I planned my exit from Sea World, but the thought of leaving that "stage" was too much to contemplate at times. I knew that God was calling me to honor him and submit my life, my need for attention and all the rest to Him. God has given me some great gifts over the last 15 years. They haven't come without hard work, but for sure they would have never worked out without God's divine orchestration. As I look back over my life, the pictures above represent times in my life where I was "in the groove" and/or grossly underprepared and about as inept as those wahoos in Washington, D.C. Looking back I can say I was a Christian the whole time, but I think my agenda was sharing "stage time" with the dreams and goals that God had prepared for me long ago. It took me a long time to get here. Mistrust was involved for sure.
I grew up in a house where fear was instilled around every corner. It was as much as part of my day as breathing. One doesn't simply stop being fearful, even though the bible says "Fear Not" 365 times. LOL. I didn't stop being afraid, I just hid from it for many years. I also became somebody else. I was tired of getting hurt at every turn so I became someone who could defend, rather aggressively at times, himself. I let pain, hurt and anger keep me bound and shape my future. I was desperate for a place to belong; a place where I didn't hurt every freakin' moment. A therapist asked me once, "What do you do with your pain?" The reason he asked me is because every time I would bring up a painful memory, I would laugh and dismiss it as if it were nothing. I had developed an awful habit of deflecting pain away from my heart by attacking it like the body attacks a virus. I would grab the pain and wrap it up in "nice little white boxes with red bows and then put it on a shelf to be experienced later." That is what I told him. The only problem was that I had built up a reserve of pain spanning years. The memories of hurt could be accessed faster than any super computer known to man. I wasn't dealing with my pain and allowing healing to come. I was using it as a weapon against myself and those who tried to get close to me. I was managing my pain like a zookeeper manages wild animals, having to always be on guard around them. That same therapist shared this with me of my homosexuality. He proposed that I had "invented an entirely different life to manage my pain." He couldn't have been more right. I became a snarky bitch as a gay man, because it kept people away from my heart. It also kept them from hurting those close to me. I have seen that same attitude from many men in the gay community. I believe it's a protection mechanism.
God recently showed me that during the last few years at Sea World, I began taking more of an interest in training people than animals. There was also an admission that God helped me make, that I was reticent to talk about. I had been unhappy at work for awhile and in my drive to set things right, for myself, I had become a beacon of negativity to my fellow co-workers. Here's what I learned, "Leaders are leading people whether they are speaking positively or negatively." I was a leader at Sea World and yet I was depleting the enjoyment of others around me, because I was unhappy. If you call yourself a Christian or a minister of the gospel, you don't get to tell people when they can and cannot look watch your life. As a Christian, you are always "on stage". You get forgiveness for bad behavior, but you are responsible for every bad seed you sow that takes root. Why was I, a man who called himself a Christian, sowing bad seeds? Mistrust again. Misunderstanding of who God is and who I am as a Christian. The misbelief that because I was a Christian that everything was supposed to go my way. To put it simply: Hurt, pain, betrayal. The big three that will throw anyone off course. I let my pain sidetrack me from the goal once again. Our daily bible reading this morning was so good. It was like standing under Niagara Falls with your mouth open. Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." I was not following the golden rule during my daily routine at Sea World. I was too focused on my needs to be any good to anyone else.
"I am responsible for every word that comes out of my mouth." It's a tough realization looking over my past and realizing that I am responsible for the spiritual and emotional weeds in my life and the lives of those around me. Another quote I heard recently from Rick Warren was that Gossips are emotional terrorists. They wage war on an opponent without letting the opponent know they are even in a battle. I remember the day at work that my attitude changed. I heard from my own co-workers that they wished that the people with all the negativity would keep it to themselves or just get over it. When we replay an argument or an offense over and over in our mind or daily in conversation with others, we are giving ancient pain, new life and new authority to hurt us. At the end of the day, I had a Sunday Come to Jesus meeting with Jesus...of course. God was telling me that my mission field wasn't just those people in the gay community. My mission field is every person that says "Hello" to me today, tomorrow and every day from now on.
Rebuke. Look it up. It's a word that Christians are real familiar with when they have their weapons pointed at offenders, but one they staunchly avoid when the tables are turned. I'll admit it. When you think you are really doing well and God brings up something you did wrong, or someone you hurt, your first reaction is to rationalize like a champ. IT SUCKS, but rebuke is not an option for Christians. It's part of our refining process. Matthew 5:48 "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." My bible notes say this, "Not necessarily without sin, but mature and complete in the likeness of God." I won't be perfect this side of heaven, but I must make every effort to keep the pathway between me and God clear. Understand? A tortured and bogged down Christian will find it difficult to share a victorious life in Christ if they aren't living it.
"It's a new season." This song is playing in the background as I type. "To make all things new. To make me come alive." How crazy awesome is God, to allow that song to play as I tell you about a new season in my life. As I trust in God, He creates a new reality for me. Many people have asked me over and over again if I miss the animals at Sea World and the answer is an unequivocal "YES". But I know God has called me on to greater things. There is nothing better in this life than sharing Jesus with others and seeing them "Come alive". The pictures above represent a different life, a different time and a different me. The ones below? Well, this is my life now. There were years I thought I would never have any friends. God has opened up the storehouses of heaven and now they just won't stop coming. My prayer in this new season is that God allows me to "See every face, Hear every broken heart and be the man to others that He created me to be." That includes a rebuke every now and then and a constant sweeping of the pathway so that new guests can find their way to Jesus just like I did so long ago. God bless you and those you have chosen to do life with. We are glad you are here!
Silencing the Giants
I am weary these days. I know the truth of my story about walking away from homosexuality. I celebrate the freedom I have found in Jesus Christ. Yet, I am weary, because so many are still being deceived by the haunting echoes of Alan Chamber’s opening speech from the 38th Annual Exodus Conference. As a result of those words I find myself having to defend my beliefs and my testimony to a wider demographic of people than ever before. Never in a million years would I have thought I would find myself head to head debating Christians or at least people who claim to be “Christians”, about the acceptance homosexuality in the church. I was there that fateful night. I can only say that I appreciate the distance, time has given me. Exodus, like the Titanic, was once grand, but seemingly overnight it’s stability was compromised and it sank out from under us. Those of us in the proverbial lifeboats or worse yet in the water were either left to succumb to the elements or be set adrift as Chambers and colleagues moved on to start a new ministry. Which is perplexing, because Chambers himself said “we believe that Exodus must go out of business so the church can do its job. And this will leave a void, one that I hope will not be filled by anything else but the church.” He stated that the new ministry would help the church reach a new generation.
So let me get this straight. It was better to close a well-established organization that has stepped alongside churches for the last 37 years so that the church can do its job. And the void should not be filled by anything, but the church, unless it’s a new ministry run by the old Executive Exodus Staff that plans to step alongside the church to help the church minister to people.
Wasn’t that what Exodus was doing?
The questions I am facing sent me to the facebook page of Chamber’s new ministry. Apparently, the only ministry capable of filling the void left by Exodus, a void that should “not be filled by anything else but the church,” but is being filled by a ministry. Still working on that one. Anyway. In one of the postings I saw this message from Alan. “I just watched my opening message from the 2013 Exodus Conference… So glad I did. It encouraged me greatly. Inspired me…If you haven't watched it, please do. If you have, watch it again… I believe it is the most important message I have ever given and that it was truly God-inspired…”
I accepted the invite and listened to his message. Once again, it left me as frustrated and angry the second time around as it did the first. One of his statements in particular has been flitting about like Miley Cyrus on MTV, stirring up trouble and breeding confusion. Not everyone was as inspired and encouraged as Alan. In fact, his apparent shift in beliefs sent people into a downward spiral of confusion and doubt. I myself wondered if it would be safe to share how Jesus Christ helped me leave my homosexual life behind. Alan tried to reassure the attendees that this new direction of Exodus “doesn’t mean you don’t tell your true story.” He even says things like, “I am one of you.” and “I stand among you as one of you.” Yet as the conference wore on, his words fell like curt platitudes in an effort to keep everyone on board. The truth was this: Exodus was no longer and Alan’s media interviews seemed of more importance to him than the conference proceedings or the attendees. From that point on many of the “true stories” coming off the stage at Exodus stood only to breed more confusion in light of Alan’s reassurance.
The first testimony we heard was from two parents who spoke from an emotionally imbalanced place rather than a representation of the true story about sin and how the enemy not an organization is the only thing that can steal away a person’s life. My gut check about their story was confirmed weeks later. I saw that “The Huffington Post Gay Voices Column” had given the parents story top billing. Hmmmm. Exodus and the Huffington Post are in agreement with one another. This was more than a cause for alarm.
Alan often responds to his critics with the question, “Why didn’t you call me to talk about this first?” I wonder, “Why didn’t you consult any of us, before you threw our life’s work and ministry into 5 lanes of oncoming traffic?” To be sure I have said nothing heard behind closed doors and that has not been seen in the mainstream media. Everything I am referring to or sharing today are either direct quotes from Alan or can be found on the Internet, the Lisa Ling Show or the various, newspaper interviews that Alan has been quoted in.
Finally, the statement causing such a ruckus; “during his address to a Gay Christian Network conference, (Alan) stated that 99.9% of conversion therapy participants do not experience any change to their sexuality and apologized for the previous Exodus slogan "Change Is Possible". During his address at the 2013 Exodus Conference Alan voiced a similar statement that “99% of the people that I’ve met, myself included, continue to struggle with or have SSA. That for the majority of people who deal with this issue, those things don’t go away.”
99.9%? I would love to see those research documents. But…there aren’t any. These two statements are based on one man’s, excuse me, one very influential man’s opinion on the matter. I take issue with these statements, because they are extremely misleading and self-serving. How many of us have made similar statements off the top of our head and embellished the numbers to sway public opinion to our side. By no means am I calling Alan a liar, but I believe his numbers are more for emphasis than they are true to life empirical data. I take offense to this statement, because it is not entirely true. A statement such as this one can’t simply be thrown out without giving a fair amount of explanation. Alan is right in that this may be a struggle that some struggle with the rest of their lives. Agreed. The writer Paul had a thorn in his flesh that God chose not to remove. This did not give Paul creative license to build a life in response to that thorn, any more than we are supposed to build a life around our homosexual desires because God didn’t take them away when we prayed. If Alan would have said 70% or even 80%, he would have at least allowed room for hope for those who were still fighting. Yet the very suggestion that 99.9% caused people to simply give up when they heard the message of Exodus was now apparently that “Change wasn’t Possible”.
The biggest part I take offense to in Alan’s statement is this: “99.9% of conversion therapy participants do not experience any change to their sexuality.” Matt, Matthew, Alan M., Mike, John, Bob, Min, Josh, Ed, Marcus, Mike, Stoney, Kenny, Jason, Christine, Sy, Bill, Russ, etc.. That is a part of my personal list of people I know have experienced a considerable amount of change to their sexuality and sexual desires. Alan makes the statement that Exodus has hurt people. Well I would like to make the statement that Exodus has helped people. A whole frickin’ lot of people. The 99.9% statement is a literary prison Alan erected for young men and women who at one point were questioning homosexuality and then abruptly had the wind knocked out of their sails.
Each of us is responsible for the testimony we share with the world. If I were to stand up and say that I don’t ever experience any temptation in the way of same sex attractions, I’d personally give you permission to make me watch an entire season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. But if I stood up and said that I have not experienced a marked change in the area of my sexuality I wouldn’t be representing the truth. As previously mentioned in one of my blogs, my attractions have changed from being sexually driven to being more mood driven. I don’t lust day in and day out like I used to over nude pictures of the male physique or porn. Over the last 15 years Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit have shown me how homosexual desires developed in my life and have brought healing and restoration to the broken parts of my heart. That healing in turn has caused my attractions and sexuality to fall more in line with God’s will for my life. I have not arrived, but I am not where I once was.
All these people misrepresenting the gospel aren’t offering hope, they are offering a watered down gospel devoid of any power to change our hearts and lives and lead us away from our patterns of sin. The bible is clear in 1 Corinthians 6 that there are those who have walked away from homosexuality and sexual brokenness. Temptation does not mean that I am still a gay man. People get their undies in a bunch when I use labels to describe the various phases of my life. As far as I am concerned they can walk around with an eternal wedgie. I don’t’ live my life for them. The truth of the matter is that I consider myself a straight man who is occasionally tempted by the sexual sin of my past. If you don’t get that I am sorry, but I will never again call myself a gay man and saying that I am ex-gay locks me into a state of limbo. One practice that helps me with temptation is found in Galatians 5:16 “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” I am headed to a place where I can one day be married to a woman, have kids and live out the plan that God ordains for all men and women. Now if I said, I am headed towards being a straight man, even though, that is what that statement basically means, there are few who would have me flogged for using a label.
1 John 3:3 And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure. Alan says Exodus has been an organization “focused on behavior, sin management and short on grace.” Short on grace is bad for any ministry, but if behavior is not curbed and sin is not managed then the natural and logical direction according to the bible is death. Death or sin management? That my friends, is a no brainer. My relationship with Jesus Christ showed me that I was loved and in need of behavioral change and sin management and the Holy Spirit led me along that path. Exodus for me was simply an extension of that Godly directive. As leaders we are called to lead people to Jesus and help those who ask for guidance to augment and change detrimental behavior.
At one point Alan says, “They said, I’ve given people a license to sin, as if I have that power.” After this statement, a few people can be heard laughing. I wasn’t one of them. The eyes and ears of the world were focused on Alan Chambers that night and had been for many years. Like it or not, His position of influence and authority and every word He says has the potential to impact lives throughout the world. In yet another contradictory statement He says “We are not abandoning you, we wouldn’t do that.” Then he says “My prayer is that you’ll find some safe people or that you already have some safe people or a ministry that you’re a part of or a church…”. Did he really just say that? Many of the people sitting there in that audience had already found that place. It WAS called Exodus International.
I am a little leery when I hear people say the Holy Spirit is leading them, yet their actions are about as biblical as a group of Chippendale Dancers on a Women of Faith Cruise. Alan spoke of how he and his board were led of the Lord to close Exodus down. One of the reasons it seemed was that there were certain member ministries that had hurt people. When the early church experienced trouble with an immoral brother causing harm to the body, the bible called them to counsel him and if need be, expel him from the body, not shut the church down.
In reference to the last 18 months at Exodus, the ministry had been embroiled in a scandal, Alan stated, “I’m not smart enough to create a scandal like that. And therefore I am convinced that the scandal is of God’s making.“ I disagree. It’s a similar statement some made of Jesus, saying He casts out demons with the power of the devil. I believe He follows His own statement that says a house divided against itself cannot stand. There is but one author of scandal in the word and his name ain’t God. Yet, when you align the above statements up next to Alan’s overriding goal for Exodus since the day he took over, you see an interesting coincidence. He proudly says that his view of success as the Exodus president was seeing Exodus close its doors, because the church is doing its job. I think in the beginning his goal was admirable and it was to use Exodus to teach the church and then ceremoniously close the doors. At some point, though, the true nature of that statement took on a more destructive nature as the enemy came against Exodus. The goal that Alan stated at his interview was no longer a dual purposed mission, but an emphatic, necessary goal regardless of the consequences.
In hindsight I wonder if any organization should hire someone who vows to shut down the company during the interview. I understand the statement that Alan so proudly touts, but in the end it seems if your overriding goal is to shut an operation down, every goal, every focus, every other aspect of your business will result in a self defeating pathway leading ultimately to corporate demise.
In regards to the closing of Exodus, Chambers says, “It’s the fulfillment of of what I was hired to do.” Yet it wasn’t. He even says so himself. “Exodus must go out of business, not necessarily because the church is doing its job, but we believe God is calling us to go out of business so the church can do its job.” By his own definitions and admissions, Alan’s mission as the President of Exodus was unsuccessful, because Exodus is closed and the church still falls short in the area of ministering to the gay community. That is why so many of us who were abandoned when Exodus closed, continue to run ministries that will do the work of ministering to the gay community.
I obviously don’t write this blog for popularity. I am by no means trying to make anyone decide between Team Alan or Team Matthew. I honestly think it’s extremely necessary though that when evil rears its ugly head that we have to speak up for the truth. Alan may be resting up nicely as the head of a new, unnecessary as it may be, organization, but he left a thousand loose ends and wounded hearts in the wake of his perceived successful reign. As often as that speech is referenced, I will share my “True Story” of what being there felt like. It was like waking up to a battlefield of dead bodies from a war we didn’t know was being fought. For some that was their first taste of what Exodus. For others it was witnessing the death of an old friend. Wherever you fit into this picture my friends, please remember that Alan Chambers is just a man as I am just a man. Opinion on either side does not compare the word of God that was the catalyst for powerful change in my life. Change is indeed possible. Don’t build a foundation for your eternity on the opinions of men. Seek out your own answers in prayer, in the bible and through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Scratching the Surface
Before you get engaged my friends, this is going to be a two parter. I hate when I get to the end of a show and I see that heart-wrenching, death moniker, “TO BE CONTINUED…”. So read on with a little trepidation and a lot of patience.
There are a couple of things really chapping my hide right now. Well…other than Hilary’s 2016 bid for the White House and the current White House Regime’s continual destruction of American civil liberties and freedoms. I keep receiving e-mails from RussianBrides.com and someone signed me up for the AARP newsletter. Florida is hot people. A Russian bride would not fair well here and I am only 42, AARP really? On top of that Cardigans are making a return from the depths of hel…well anyway, you get it. Cardigans and Grateful Dead tribute bands. Don’t you wish there was a section in federal prison for that. Why did I sit down to write?
Oh yes. Big Fish Ministries was visited by an amazing prayer warrior woman last Wednesday and Thursday. She taught on the benefits of inner healing and gave us prayer for all the major wounds of childhood and beyond. I had so many mental visuals I felt like I was at a Grateful Dead concert. God really began to pour healing into the areas of my brain that fed into the foundation of my homosexual attractions and desires. Don’t get weirded out before you hear me out. The bible is clear on Spiritual warfare. Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. And the bible is also clear about cleansing our minds. Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Bringing God into the places where I was hurt was difficult for two reasons: “Why did He allow me to get hurt?” and “Where was God while the hurt was being perpetrated?”
There are so many developmental causations between the damage done to us as children in a fallen world and the emergence of sexual brokenness, or in my case homosexual desires. For so long I chose to build the foundation of my life on the broken foundation of homosexuality that I never selected. I sowed into a gay identity for many years. So many in fact that with each year it got harder and harder to admit that my choice to build and nurture a gay life might be wrong. After all, I never chose a gay life. My belief was that it was chosen for me or God created me that way; please appreciate what a confusing place it was to be.
Hard and fast belief of mine #1: I don’t believe anyone chooses to be gay. H.A.F.B. #2: I do believe that the desires can be likened to the seed of a vine or dare I say a parasite. The seed is planted in a suitable environment and grows and develops over time, like a choking vine that grows alongside a tree over time and uses the tree as a platform to support it’s growth. I compare it also to a parasite whose larval stage is deposited inside an organism and remains undetected until a point that it’s exponential growth eventually overtakes and affects the development of that organism. That is not a clinical observation based in prejudice, but an experiential observation from MY life.
What our friend and prayer warrior Donna was able to help us see was that there were so many attacks perpetrated in our lives that our opinions, feelings and desires were bound to be swayed. For instance, I suffered a lot of physical, mental and verbal abuse at the hand of my mother. So it’s understandable that I might develop a fear of women. I also sustained some damage from the relationships with my brother, father and other male peers in my life. It’s understandable that I might have a little fear of men in my life as well. I can’t get into the particulars just yet, but I realized that my abuse wasn’t a one time event. It was a day in, day out event that left me roaming the halls of my home looking for rapture. And with that I must leave you until Part 2: Rescue and Rehabilitation.
Horse/Dog Chronicles
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$5.01. Why is that amount important? It recently replaced $64 as a significant amount in my head. Which replaced $1500 before it. $64 was the amount I recalled every time I heard the name "Lucca". Lucca is the name of my roommates drooly, Horse/dog who left a plethora of slobber trails on my favorite, black comforter. So much so that it looked like the Snail Daytona 500. $64 was the dry cleaning cost. SCAM! I could have bought a new comforter and my favorite Starbuck’s brew. Which coincidentally brings up the new dollar amount; $5.01. That’s the amount remaining on my Starbuck’s Gold card. When it's gone, I’ll be leaving my 'old friend' behind. It’s kind of a weight gain/white teeth thing and partially the fact that the president of Starbuck’s hates what I stand for. Alas. I sit here today, sipping my fave coffee, using WIFI and thinking of all the amazing times I’ve had here: bible studies, testimony shares, big life convos and a few chance meetings.
As I left the house today, I noticed a few things that settled my heart greatly. Today, different than days gone by, I left the house and I actually “LEFT THE HOUSE”. The yard was mowed, the plants were watered, my roommate was sleeping, morning devotions were amazing, the garbage and recycling guys had come and all was in right order. You know what I am talking about. I left with a clear head that there was nothing to manage or fix or worry about for a moment. My little Honda purred along as if it were a 2014, not a 2000 and life was “quiet” and good. Don’t get me wrong, life is good everyday, even when I am debating friends and fending off “tolerant” haters, God is still God. Today was different. The voice of the enemy was quiet and subdued for a moment and the peace of God was…well…palpable. One of those days where you remember your bank websites password on the first try and the line at the ATM disappears as you pull into your spot.
Devotions this morning were all about keeping our walk with God pure and 100%. I heard once again, in God’s own words that we are to offer up to Him our best, our first, Our Everything. As I live out this life before God and before other men choosing holiness over homosexuality, it isn’t easy. Every morning there is another perceived victory for the gay agenda and “equality”. Every moment the enemy whispers another jab against my testimony and my resolve. That’s okay though. This ministry we are a part of isn’t for the masses of the global market. It is for those men and women to whom God has opened their eyes and revealed the truth of His Word regarding God ordained sexuality.
God gave me the perfect visual of our ministry. Satan, the enemy of our souls, has his hand around the throat of every man and woman of the gay community. God showed me a large colander suspended in the air. It was stuffed full of gay men and women. They represented the masses of the gay community sold out to homosexuality. Every once in a while a person would fall out of one of the holes in the colander, breaking free of the others. God drew my attention to those few people and said, “That is where your ministry begins.” Big Fish Ministry doesn’t exist to take on the gay agenda, debate the masses or wag a shaming finger at the gay community. We are less “Kick the Hornet’s Nest” and more “Hospital Triage Unit”. I, too, was broken or celebratory, however you choose to see it, about my gay life. I was very good at it for many years, yet I have more compassion for the gay community than most Christians. Don’t believe me? Ask my gay friends. Caring for their well being and loving them into hell are two very different things.
I believe in the truth and the power of God’s word to lead a man or woman out of homosexuality. My life is evidence of that fact. Over the last 14 years I have seen other men walk free as well. I am thankful to God for that fact today. Thankful for the peace I felt this morning, after many years of struggle, to do the right thing and serve my God the best way I know how. I was challenged this morning though. To love God wholeheartedly. To lead men better. To share Jesus like Peter and John; emboldened by the Holy Spirit and overflowing with gratitude. To live a life surrendered to Jesus Christ, despite what CNN says is legal, supported or widely accepted. The road to the cross of Christ is a narrow and scarcely traveled. I am only on the road, because Jesus Christ chose to illuminate the path and call me out of darkness. And because of a praying father. My prayer today, in this wonderful moment of peace, is one of rapture. Rapture for men and women still struggling in darkness, contemplating checking out and in need of a savior. I speak this from an empathetic heart, not from a soapbox of judgment. God, Call them out. Let their hearts and souls be rescued.
Wake Up...Part 2
Someone happened to read the blog, "Wake up or Suffer the Consequences" this morning and posed the following question to me. "I want to understand sequestered and warden. Im trying to see how this does or does not apply to my life, except,in my case I don't identify as gay, but rather as a Christian. And live my life, struggles included, as Godly as I can. Would appreciate your response when you have time." 12:28pm Here are my unpolished, unfiltered thoughts. I use the word sequestered the same way that someone might refer to a jury whose life is on hold until a verdict is reached. They are cut off from the world until a decision can be reached. When I describe God as a warden instead of a savior, this is what I mean. A savior saves us when we call on His name leads us to higher places of full redemption. The bible says that those who call on His name will be saved. I take that to mean not only salvation, but redemption from the things that bind us on a daily basis. A warden manages someone who is locked away. He brings them there meals, tells them what to do and offers them care and lodging while the person is locked away in prison. The question we must ask though, is who put them in that prison?
Are they in prison because they have done something wrong? Or are they in prison because life is scary and disappointing and being locked away is safer. When God is the warden in your life, he has set up an infrastructure of binding rules and laws that say you can't be gay and you must live your life avoiding bad "gay" things at all costs. With God as a warden, our lives are not lived out but managed to the point that we won't sin, because we have not only put GOd in a box, but we have placed ourselves in that box as well. When God is our savior, he is more of a shepherd we go to for instructions on how to get through the tough things in life we will inevitably encounter as we roam freely about. God has the capacity to save us from our sin and redeem us from a gay life. When we lock ourselves away, we are attempting to live a life that we are in control of because God didn't change us when we asked Him to and we can't imagine the unknown and difficult path of walking away from gay. When we see GOd as savior in our life, we hand over control of our life to HIm and trust that no matter what we see or think, that GOd is in control. One is sacrifice to the point of being a self proclaimed martyr and the other is being obedient and venturing out into the world. WIth GOd as a warden we build fences to keep us away from sinful things. With God as a savior, we allow Him to test us in order to build resistance muscles so we don't run after things that are bad for us. Both men more than likely are getting into heaven. It's just that one will have made it by sheer willpower and having been hidden away from all sources of temptation. And the other will have led an amazing life of obedience, filled with mountaintop and valley experiences. The latter will have lived a life full of risks and grand perspectives and will have inspired others along the way, because they will have relied on God and not themselves.